#THE ANGST I CAN WRITE ON HIM AND MOZE BEING IN THE COMISSION BOTH HURT AND IN HOSPITAL BEDS

[generalsdiary]

jiaoqiu actively taking the strongest poison he knows of, for the chance his captor will honor the long tradition of drinking the captured's blood before battle is literally a given sign of him giving up hope. because any single person wouldn't do so if they were hoping to get out, to be saved, rescued, to escape- for him to ACTIVELY DECIDE that he will poison himself is him giving up any chance of getting back alive. and that does things to a person, as much as he was portrayed "alright" in the end, his mental ain't the same like before and no one can convince me otherwise.

he is alone, kidnapped, even let loose to walk around to find information (taunted by it)- unable to seek help, to get a message across, from the literal nightmare fuel foxian parents tell to their kids; and when help does arrive for once the first thing he says is "Moze... run". still protecting others. taking care of moze.

playing this play of lies and trickery, giving away every card in his sleeve for the off chance that his captor may kill him. and he gave up that hope of being saved early on. as early as the green peppers analogy. it is heartbreaking. in his last moments he is grateful that he has bested him, saved feixiao which was his long-term goal and yet he is dying alone, still captured, left in some corner to rot like a fruit gone bad. and then found on the brink of death.

and waking up, alive? well at first I doubt it was a relief for him, because what if he was still with the borisin. what if he wasn't safe. I'm certain moze was beside him but remember he is now blind. he wasn't able to look around and confirm, yeah I'm in this commission and I'm safe. so to go through the literal terror where they treat you less than equal, less than them, fight or flight or freeze for days on end, possible death or worse his friendly companion in every moment and then to actually bring harm upon yourself and on top of it all to thankfully be saved and then to wake up in unfamiliar surroundings with one of your main senses gone. yeah, jiaoqiu isn't the same man he was before this. repercussions he reaps are not light ones.