#THAT'S NOT THE POINT AND YOU KNOW IT. BUT OH WELL. HERE I JJST FUCKING GO AGAIN.

[thr4shit]

Sometimes I wonder how to even interact with certain people anymore because I want to. And I want them to know i care but I'm monumentally afraid of fucking the conversation up, cracking one of the eggshells, and just making them more upset.

I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to feel like I'm watching from the sidelines or that I don't care.

But I feel like that's what I'll end up doing?

I'm not good at words, and I hate it. Because I really want to say something? Yknow?

I'm just too scared I'll say the wrong thing.

Even if I'm also always scared of.losing them.

[neo91502]

oh my god... ive been staring at this art bro and read through EVERYONE'S paragraphs. holy fuck mango oh my fod... I'm gonna go coo coo crazy positively.

for one, hoLY SHIT. OH MT FOD YOU'RE A MADHORSE MANGO!!!! I WISH I COULD SAY EVERYTHING BUT I WONT BE ABLE TO REMEMBER THEM ALL SJJDJDJ THE DETAILS ON THE ART, THE GROUPING, THE EXPRESSIONS, OH NY FOD.... ITS JJST COMPOSED SO WELL OR SOMEHTINF LIKE THAT BRO OHBMY GOODDDDD.... ITS ALWAYS SUCH A JOY TO TALK TO YOU MAN!!!! i hope you know i let out a giggle when i saw how i manahed to get you to listen to epic the musical teehee!!! but oh my mangos.... i always looked up to you, ESPECIALLY since you were some of the first people i went to go find and saw on tumblr and went "omg wait i recognize this art!!" (mainly because of pinterest 💔 grrrr give credits!!!!) and ong i literally always loved seeing your silly drawings of them all... I THINK ITS ALSO COMEDIC HOW WE BASICALLT GIVE EVERYONE FANGS JAKSNND

you're genuinely just such a joy to hang out with, even if its not for long since. you're 5 hours ahead of me HELP... BUT EVEN STILL!!! I ALSO LOVE ANY AND ALL MANGO LORE??? LIKE HELLO,.. SIRE I'D LOVE TO HAVE MORE PLEASE!!!! ALSO WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY FOUND YOUR NON-SMG4 ACCOUNT I WAS LIKE "HUH... OH MY GOD" ANS IM JUST ?!??!? I NEED MORE OF YOUR NON-SMG4 ART TOO....

oh my god ans rhe PIKMIN!!!!! when you posted the silly post about your main interests, i literally jaw dropped ans pointed at the screen, screaming in my head PIKMIN PIKMIN PIKMIN!!!!NO WAY MANGO ALSO LOVED PIKMIN!!!! i will always associate anything mangos, horses, and pikmin to you (pikmin i mean... i associate to several people but shhhh) augh. EVEN THOUGH I BARELY TEXT IN THE TSB SERVER, IM MAINLY IN VC AND IM LIKE GUHH.... I WANT TO TALK TO MORE PEOPLE BUT LIKE EMOTIONS BETTER OVER MIC!!! I was actually so nervous when i joined a vc with you for the first time HWJENDK i think thag was when i was also anxious with tomm a bit but more like friends with lore GUH.... i remember hearing your voice for the first time and i was so surprised at hearing your voice BJAJDJS i didnt expect it... i hope you know you definitelt affected my accent, i hear a difference sometimes when im in choir in the auditorium 💔💔 /silly

tomm taught me when you appear in the vc chat if we're staying up late and i think its silly with your horse images and gifa teehee... im honestlt just. GENUINELY surprised i got the chance to be in vc with you and even have silly little shenanigans here and there (like the ocs channel with the stupid silly gifs you, me, and lore were making). Honestly. I did NOT think I'd evee even be able to sit here today and think and consider the fact that I'd say we're friends 💙💙

also you can absolutely spam me with pikmin memes i love them so much teehee... i dont mind if you spam dm me with them HOORAY!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR AN AMAZING YEAR! HERE'S TO MANY MORE!

Alllright, final thing to close off today, and what better than with a great big THANK YOU to everyone for sticking with me for a whole year! Regardless of if you’ve been around since I first joined or if you only just followed me today, thank you so much for your support of me and my work. Knowing there are so many fantastic and wonderful individuals who all enjoy what I make is just indescribable, I get to wake up and enjoy creating things I love for the series I love so dearly all while so many amazing people enjoy what I make too. I really can’t put into words how thankful I am for everyone who follows me but genuinely from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you all for an amazing year and here’s hoping for many more to come!

Now, I do have a few special dedications to a few certain individuals, if I didn’t get the chance to include you PLEASE don’t think that I don’t value you in any way! There were so many cool and talented people that I wanted to thank but I simply didn’t have time to do so! You are all so important to me and it does kill me a little that I can’t thank everyone, but I am just one guy at the end of the day so again please don’t take it personally, I am still so thankful for everyone and I want you to know this. <3

ANYWAY LONG ASS BLOCK OF TEXT UNDER THE READ MORE

So, in no order in particular

@lizaluvsthis @shygirl4991 @b-r-i-n-g-x - I’m putting you all together as one because I always see you guys working as a group so it feels wrong to split you guys up lol. You were all some of the first people I ever saw in the SMG4 fandom and your contributions inspired me so much to make my own stuff too! Everything you guys make always has so much heart and soul put into it, Brewing Romance, Split into 3’s, Gay Ogres, they’re all some of the first projects I remember seeing and for that I wanna thank you guys for motivating me to make and create my own things within this fandom! Even if you guys aren’t as active now or have moved on from those projects, I still hold them dear to me so keep making and creating because you guys are all so amazing at it! <3

@mothsbakery - Moth my beloved friend, I don’t know where to start, when I first got into SMG4, I was so worried about sharing it with my friends because I was worried it would somehow get turned against me in some way (blame that damn trauma lol), so having you take a passing interest in it was such a major relief to me. I’m so glad I’ve been able to sit down with you and watch the few episodes that we have because they’ve been so much fun! I’m so glad that we’re friends even after all these years. I know I’m not always the best at keeping in touch but I do genuinely appreciate your friendship and all that we’ve done together. Please keep making and creating and enjoying what you love, seeing you come to my DM’s with your newest musical piece is always such a joy to listen to and it’s been so wonderful to watch you improve over the years! Keep being amazing Moth, I’ll chat to you soon I promise! <3

@strange0-0storm - STOOOORM!!! (POINTING AT YOU POINTING AT YOU) FREAK!!!!/J I’m kidding lol, Storm I am so glad I’ve gotten the chance to talk with you, even if it's brief, you are so fun to talk to that I can’t wait to get the chance to chat with you again about OC’s or just anything really! Your work is always so yummy, whether it's SMG4, Gravity Falls, Popee The Performer, and more, your art is always just so full of character and it just makes me wanna keep doing what I’m doing and it helps me not worry about branching out at some point to something else. No matter what I will always come back to your work because it's so amazing and it’s even better knowing it’s made but such an equally amazing person, stay awesome Storm! (also RhythmDoctor 4 life they should kiss and make out more JHBBSGHBSGH) <3

@bluesbox - Blue! Dude you are so freaking cool I cannot put it into words, not only is your work fantastic and such a joy to interact with, but you’re also so dedicated to characters lore and interactions that I can’t help but wanna be just like that! I’ll never forget when you first dropped the TSB lore presentation that shit was SO WILD, knowing there's someone who's so invested in other peoples OC’s (including my own!) to such an extent is honestly so amazing, and it really pushes me to invest more time into my own work! Knowing there’s someone out there who genuinely takes so much interest in it is so uplifting, so thank you for always wanting to know more about what I make as well as everyone else, we need more amazing people like you Blue, keep being you! (also PS, the way you give Mango glasses is probably my favourite thing someone has given him, it makes me so happy to see every time, don’t tell anyone shhhhh) <3

@libbytwq - LIBBY, LIBBY OMG I don’t think I’ve ever met another SMG4 fan who just gets the same sense of humor as me so well, I love being terminally on Tumblr and having someone else who is also terminally on Tumblr, it’s so refreshing lmao! Lore not only are you an amazing person to talk to, you are also so insanely talented to match, all of your work has so much charm and passion put into it that I can just sense it with every piece, I always want to know more with your characters like I NEED the full SMGL:E lore or else I will explode and die, that’s how good you are at getting people invested in your work! You’re so great at creating interesting and engaging characters/stories that it motivates me so much with my own work. You have so much love for what you do it’s so wonderful to see, please keep creating forever and always because your work is such an absolute joy to see. I love getting the chance to chat with you so much and I can’t wait to chat with you again, thank you for being such an amazing friend Libby! <3

@hamlos - Hamlos, your work is truly incredible. I really can’t express it enough, it’s so dynamic and flexible in such a beautiful way, everything you make is just so amazing and that's just talking about your art itself, the characters you have are so interesting I always want to know more about them, especially Cardiac I seriously love him so much and having him paired with Mango is so wonderful, they really go together so well! I’ve never had anyone go so crazy (positive) over my characters before and It’s so amazing to see, every time you come to me with your amazing work it’s always such a nice thing to see! I know I am not always the best at responding but I do always see and read everything you send me and it always leaves me with a big smile on my face. Even if you’re not super into SMG4 right now, thank you for all that you’ve done and all that you’ve made for me, HeartBeet will always have a special place in my heart and I hope it does for you too, they are gay after all lol. <3

@neo91502 @hexsie @aquaproductions - Grouping you all together even though you all couldn’t be more unique and individual, every single one of you is so special and amazing to talk to, I legit get so excited any time one of you joins a VC with me because all of you are so fun to hang out with for so many reasons! Neo omg you are honestly such a nice person to chat to and be around, you’re always so fun to hang out with and you’ve convinced me to sit down one day and listen to Epic the Musical because every time you go crazy over the word Epic, I can’t help but find it so cute lol. Nova your obsession with Hex3 is so sweet and I’m genuinely glad you’re having so much fun with it, seeing you go on rambling about your OC’s will always be such a joy to see and you know what yes one day I will draw Hex3 just for you, gimme a second though (dies first /j). And Aqua, I had no idea how much of a sweetheart you were to talk to, you are honestly so cool and I’m so glad to have you in my DM’s sending me amazing fanart that you know I’ll like, thank you so much for being so awesome and I’m giving you platonic smooches right back at ya so watch out!!! All of you are again so amazing and I can’t wait to keep chatting with all of you! <3

MY BELOVED WHO SHAN’T BE NAMED BUT I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS!!! - Hai babe, listen, I can’t believe the whole time you’ve been dating me I’ve been an SMG4 fan, that must be so embarrassing to you lol /j but thank you so much forever and always for sticking with me. You are truly the light of my life, I treasure every moment we spend together and I am waiting for the future to come so that I can spend it with you forever and always. Thank you for not only indulging in my interests with me, but for enjoying me for who I am, everytime you call me cute for getting giddy over SMG4 it honestly makes my heart flutter and it reminds me of why I love you so much, I wouldn’t be who I am without you and I hope you can say the same thing for me. I cannot wait to get the chance to see you again in person, I need to kiss you sloppy style soooooo bad it's making me bark and growl grrr grrr bARK BARK BARK anyway I love you so much and I always will. (I will forever kiss you for getting me Smug I can’t believe you got him, he’s like a fucked up and evil son to me) <3

@ominus-potato @theartistisme43 @coralalala64 - Grouping you all together even though I have different things to say about all of you, but regardless, all of you are such amazingly talented people that I’d love to get to chat with you all properly one day, even if I’ve talked with you guys a bit it’s not enough! I’d love to get to know you guys better at some point lol. Ominus your work is just so good I can’t help but feel happy anytime I see it. I promise one day we will meet at a convention, I’m so mad I missed you once I won’t let it happen again! Cantro, your work is incredible!!! Every time I see it I’m so amazed with what you’ve made that it just gets me excited to see what else you can create, I am manifesting with all my strength that if you do ever decide to apply as a SMG4 machinima artist, that you get it because god damn you deserve it! And Coral, THE CREATURE CREATOR!!! I love your lil creatures so much, and OMG you have to teach me how to do such amazing pencil work, your work always inspires me so much and I’m so glad I’ve gotten the chance to chat with you a lil, your gif collection is truly frightening but in the best way possible. Again all of you are so amazing so please keep doing what you’re best at! <3

@tiredsmashbros - Tomm, Mr Tiredsmashbros, holy shit where do I even start with you. First of all, I would probably not be thanking half the people in this piece if not for you, I know how scary setting up a server was for you but I will forever be so thankful that you did. Finally getting the chance to chat with not only you, but so many amazing people in the SMG4 fandom has been an absolute joy and I am forever thankful for you for creating such an open and accepting space, you and Radiant are seriously so awesome for all the work you’ve put into that place. It’s from your server that i’ve learnt how wonderful and generous you are as a person, I really cannot think of anyone kinder than you Tomm, the way you always have an essay planned for every piece of fanart you get, from just your overall positive attitude, I am so glad I’ve finally gotten the chance to meet you after just being a fan of your work for so long. Your work has been such an inspiration to me and you’ve always been someone I wanted to chat with and the fact that I am now is!!! Crazy!!! I can’t believe you were scared of me at one point lol. Anyway thank you Tomm for being such a fantastic friend overall, I need to know TSB’s lore right now, can you whisper it to me I promise I’ll keep it a secret, regardless stay awesome dude, you deserve nothing but joy and happiness forever and always. Qwah Tuh (also Burgerfruit beloved, they should get weirder /j) <3

@doodledev1l - Doodle!!!!! Okay I know this sounds weird but genuinely finding another British SMG4 fan has been so refreshing, not only that but you’re super fun to talk to and be around so it’s even better! Getting the chance to hang out and chat with you is always so fun, I love getting to hear what you’re working on for uni and I always hope that it goes well for you, I know how stressful it can be lol. Regardless, I know you’ll do amazing because I’ve seen how dedicated and talented you are when it comes to your work, again I hope the rest of uni goes well for you because you deserve it, we gotta end your bad luck streak somehow lol. Thank you for being such an amazing person to chat and hang out with, keep up the amazing work dude, I’ll get you a tescos meal deal one day I promise. <3

PHEW, THAT’S EVERYONE, again thank you all so much for sticking by my side for a year! Doesn’t matter what time you showed up, I will always be thankful to know all of you, keep being awesome I love you all. I die now

Mango <3

[onfyexo]

Laundromat - Tom Holland x Reader Series

Warnings: angst (kinda), mentions of substance abuse metaphorically, language 

Ohhh shiiett! This may or may not be the last part of this little series! Read this and let me know if I should continue or leave it up to you’re own interpretation :’))

Part 4 - the feeling of withdrawal has such an effect on you and meanwhile, Tom keeps thinking about you after the departure

*Tom is in bold

https://soundcloud.com/ginsengxx/shes-in-my-dreams

-

On your drive back home, it was hard to focus on the road with the thoughts rushing through your mind. You had already slammed your head against the steering wheel once you saw Tom pull out of the parking lot first. You felt dumb, you felt stupid, yet you felt lucky and honored to have been in his presence; hence why you beat yourself up physically and mentally.

Driving seemed dangerous to you because of you. You definitely didn’t want to be anywhere else but home from then on. The feeling of withdrawal from Tom felt like a drug. You had injected yourself with his charisma and wanted to live off of his high forever; you didn’t care if you overdosed on him.

It took the strength you had to pull all your baskets out and carry them inside the house. And when you realized that Tom had touched the exact handles minutes earlier, you wanted to scream.

How am I supposed to get through the rest of the week after what just happened?

You debated whether or not you should call in “sick” for work tomorrow. You also debated whether or not you should post on social media about your bizarre encounter but you didn’t want others to disturb him if he came back to that same laundromat. Crowds of people could be waiting for him the next time he came and he would immediately feel let down and betrayed.

So many decisions and so many choices were open for you and yet, they all made you seem like a psycho. You could be that person who posted “I JJST FUCKSK MET TOM HOLLAND” on Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr. But in all honesty, you were still trying to catch your breath.

The only action you could do once you stepped foot in your flat was plop on your bed and think about him to no end. You switched between multiple sleeping positions but nothing felt good enough. Sleeping in Tom’s arms felt so much better to you at the moment.

The tears came soon after and they were because of the love you felt. And you wondered if Tom would forget about you after today. Considering how busy he is, you were sure of it.

There’s no way he would even think about me after this?

But you would be surprised at what Tom was actually doing. Him on the other hand, kept replaying your facial expressions in his head while driving.

Damn. He thought.

His knuckled clasped his steering wheel hard; turning pale in the process. He had to tell Harrison about this while they went out to eat. Maybe talking with his best mate would help him decide if he should try and see you again.

They were going to a simple restaurant that was downtown. But first he had to change his clothes.

The same images flashed through him but he didn’t get tired of it. The way you looked at him intrigued him. The way you spoke to him intrigued him. The way you acted intrigued him.

He was actually glad that he had a certain place to remember you by if he was never able to see you again. He felt silly for praising a laundromat in his head but “oh fucking well” he thought.

-

“Shit dude! I didn’t even get their number or anything!”

Harrison was really surprised Tom was distressed over something like this. He witnessed his best friend stuttering every other word and having trouble picking up his food with a fork which shouldn’t even be that difficult. He could tell Tom was struck over with attachment in the most eccentric way.

“Tom listen to me, that was just today that you met them. And what if they were weirded out by you wanting to exchange numbers anyways!” Harrison exclaimed, trying to calm down his brother but to no avail.

“Ugh, I could tell they knew me.  They called me beautiful for fucks sake!”

“Wait! They said that?” Harrison almost choked on his drink while listening intently with caution.

“Yes man! I’ve never seen anything like it. And I want to keep seeing it, I don’t care.” Tom huffed with so much force and let his head fall in shame. His appetite wasn’t as strong as it usually was for today and he wondered if you were the cause. The tone of his voice had changed from excitement to tell a story, to anxiety that made him want to drop everything.

“I don’t know man. I guess you could can try and catch them next week. Maybe they go the same day every week and since today’s Sunday, do it next Sunday.”

Harrison felt sympathy for Tom and hoped his advice was meaningful. But Tom was treading on thin ice, and if he wanted to go farther than friendship with you, he would have to realize his risks. He would only wait until later to warn Tom if you were actually there again next week.

The rest of the brunch was silent except for when the server checked up on the two boys.

~

You had proceeded through your week semi-normal. You decided not to call in for work and push through everything. Daydreaming became more frequent though, and this damaged your coordination; even your co-workers and classmates could tell.

You would be lying to yourself if you said you hadn’t driven past the laundromat every other morning, hoping to see your russet-eyed boy. His Audi was nowhere to be found each time you checked so you gave up and concluded that his washer machine and dryer were just temporarily broken or not even installed yet.

Tom had continued on with his week in a clumsy fashion. He lost his train of thought more than ever. And practicing his scripts for upcoming films was a challenge. He found himself re-reading the same lines in a row before cursing at himself; causing Tessa to stir and look up at him with confusion.

He was aware that a friendship could blossom if he kept in contact. He knew you would open up to him, he just had to be gentle with you. You were a treasured delicacy to him and he didn’t care if he had to hear yapping from Harrison if he went further with you in the future.

Next Sunday approached fast for you and slow for Tom. The same routine started again with your laundry. You had gathered your color-coordinated clothes and coins for the day.

The feeling of dread was present again, not only because a lot of people could be there, but because Tom might not be there. You would for sure keep going even after today.

I guess I shouldn’t give up.

While putting your baskets inside your car, you realized how beautiful dawn seemed today. With sunrise approaching, the vermillion tones and flushed shades of pink covered the sky above you. It calmly put you at ease while you drove to the same place you met Thomas.

It sucked that you didn’t have anyone to share this dilemma with. If you did tell anyone, you didn’t trust them enough to not spread the word. The last thing you wanted, was for Tom to never come back here again if a mass of people kept showing up just for him.

On the other end, Tom needed Harrison’s assistance for today in order to make this chance work. Since he didn’t actually need any of his clothes washed, he asked Harrison to drop him off anyways and just wait for him in case you weren’t there. Harrison didn’t have a problem with it and met Tom at his place at 6 am.

“Tom are sure you need to be up this early?” Harrison questioned, using one hand to steer and the other to accentuate his concern.

“I'm positive! They got here around 6 the last time and that's what time it opens.”

“Alrighttt. I’ll just wait in the parking lot.” Harrison sighed while turning left to see the laundromat in the distance.

Tom began sitting abnormally in the passenger seat when he saw that your car was nowhere to be seen. His eyes grew wide and the expression of sadness was apparent on his face.

“Fuck dude fuck. I don’t see her car” He stammered with tension as he pointed in the distance where you car could’ve been.

Strings of curse words exited Tom’s mouth the closer he got and Harrison took it all in with worry. Tom kept taking off his baseball cap and putting it back on in the course of a minute to wipe the perspiration forming on his forehead.

“You’re really losing it man.” Harrison exhaled while finally pulling into a parking spot.

“I guess I’ll just wait for a little bit and come back ok?”

“Ok man, don’t stress about it. It won’t be the end of the world.” Harrison reassured with pat on the back and decided to pull his seat back and sleep while he waited since it was so early.

Tom got out of the passenger seat before scanning the area in case he saw you arriving in the distance.

Once he rubbed his sweaty palms on the side of his jeans, he opened the door and took a seat. Luckily, no one was there again and the familiar smell of detergent soothed his senses. No other sound was present except for the manager watching a sitcom yet again in his office.

You felt frustration build up when you saw a car in the parking lot that wasn’t Tom’s. It was a simple sedan that you had never seen before and if it was someone other than him, you would honestly scream.

The windows were too tinted to see anything so you trusted your gut that maybe it was only one person inside. You had gathered all your baskets that were stacked high in front of you.

Using your hand to balance the baskets and the other to open the door, you entered and heard definite silence at first. No machines were running and only the muffled tv in the background could be heard.

“(Y/N)?!”

That same accented voice you were acquainted with, filled your ears faster than you could gather yourself. Goosebumps formed at his vocalization filled with excitement while cold sweat covered your neck and back underneath your clothing.

Instead of simply placing your baskets down to see him, you dropped them with carelessness and saw Tom rising from his seat with the widest smile. His fair-skin met your eyes and his ivory teeth hit you with electricity that made you smile back with just as much intensity. There was more stubble around his mouth and there was discoloration around the bags in his eyes but you never doubted how beautiful he looked to you. Not once.

Rushing at each other in a tight embrace felt like the fantasies you came up with had realism in the deepest parts.

“T-Tom! It feels so good to see you again”

“I can definitely say the same sweetheart. I’ve missed you...” There was relief, passion, and tranquility in the words he spoke and he wanted you to feel his longing.

He missed me? Thomas Stanley Holland missed me.

To think you would be hugging Tom in a laundromat was something you wanted to carry along with you with utmost joy.

-

Part 1 - https://bangtanscope.tumblr.com/post/172785019225/laundromat-tom-holland-x-reader-series-mini

Part 2 - https://bangtanscope.tumblr.com/post/172810255305/laundromat-tom-holland-x-reader-series-warnings

Part 3 - https://bangtanscope.tumblr.com/post/172837117775/laundromat-tom-holland-x-reader-series-warnings

Tag List

@gryffindorbws // @hollandbaby // @softboyhollands // @f-andomimagines // @wolvesofthewinter // @zophora // @leni-lion-luke-larb-logic // @ashleyhearto // @im-meant-to-be-bi-myself

[mycomori]

anxiety about my shift at work this morning but i tried i worked hard i did my job and tried to learn even tho shit was really...disorganized to say the least (i was left to open the cafe for the first time with someone who was having their first day there and neither of us were ever taught how to do like 75% of the opening tasks) like i had to rely on my shitbucks training and past experience and the other persons knowledge to register as well as someone form another department who came over to help us because we had no idea how to do half the hair because we never got taught but god forbid i have a slightly negative view on that to describe it as “kind of an inadvisabke descision” (WHICH IT FUCKING IS) and the other manager (the one that interviewed and hired me) apologized as soon as she came in and heard about the morning and i said it was fine i was used to it i could handle shit and roll with the punches and she said she didn’t wnat me to have to do that tho and wanted it to be different for me here but honestly i’m cool i can handle it what i can’t handle is not being about to express any stress or emotion at all. i mean i can, i basically did that the first two decades of my fucking life. o still do it by default as a fucking trauma response. and guess what? im gonna do it again! because i’ve learned no matter of the principal of it or what’s really right or fair it’s safer to jjst keep your fucking mouth shut always and never give a single opinion on anything. never voice ANYTHING especially in a work environment. jsut never say anything. and never have emotions. except happy. and also never be stressed. or at least suppress it. oh and also never ever express any opinion at all. im not being sarcastic here. this is really what i’ve learned all my years working. fuck ive been fucking FIRED (for no written reason) because my mental health made me scared and disconnected and just “not happy enough” for them. that’s fucking it. and i’m so terrified of that happening again i can’t ever open my mouth. shitbucks i at least finally stopped giving a fuck what i said. and then i spent six months i treatmenrt learning to express my emotions. but was still told to shut up there because what i said sometimes differed from the cultish fucjing rules of the program that didn’t want any opinion of a slightly different source or any critisim at all jsut for you to blindly follow. i’ve experienced a lot ofthe. it’s not new to me. and in the end it’s why i suppress so much. along with the fact that it was fucjing dangerous for me to express anything negative as a child. it doesn’t matter. i accept reality. im not negative, i’m very inherently idealistic. but i’m also realistic. and those two things are very painful together. because a smuch as i wish the best for everything. i also know and accept reality. i’ve had to to survive. i will be realistic aboutmyself and the world and the wya that things are that does not make menegatuve. that makes the fuck g state of our world negative. and you know what i won’t fucking back down from that. i will stay silent around others i can’t trust. (do most people) i will keep my mouth shut, but i will not fuck i g change how i know and view the way of the world and the fucking corporate system and how it relates to the suffering and exploitation of fucking everyone who works under it. i’ve lived it, people i’ve loved lived it, fuck it ruined my whole childhood! like if my dad hasn’t been so stressed with fiances and a job he hates but needed to keep so we could literally continue to live because we were fucking poor that he abused me my whole life! like, maybe it’s naive of me, but i know my dad. despite being my main ‘abuser’ he is not a bad person. he is still responsible for the mistakes he made but he also made those mistakes as a result of extreamly stress. that doesn’t excuse it but my point is maybe i’m stupid but also maybe i never would ah e been traumatized of it weren’t for the wya do the world. andnive seen nothing but support for that my whole life. i am not negative.

i am realistic. and i will continue to be. but i will not speak. even tho i know how to speak. i will not. also fuck you tumblr for cutting me off