#THAT'S GENUINELY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO LURE ME IN MAKE THEM DO EL TANGO DE ROXANNE TYPE THING THAT'S IT THAT'S IT!!!!

[jonathanbiers]

Argyle never gets frustrated with Steve when he doesn’t understand something. He doesn’t roll his eyes, or give That Sigh. He explains things patiently, if a bit abstractly, and when Steve is way off base Argyle runs with it. Is Vecna a vampire? Whoa that would be wild, man! Do you think he can’t have garlic? We could just take him out with a gnarly garlic pie, my dude!

the way you're seeing into my mind.... argyle being really soft with steve and taking the time to make sure he doesn't feel stupid when he's confused is something i've considered AT LENGTH (specifically in dms with @himbohohoharringtxn who has the unfortunate luck of being on the receiving end of Most of my argyle thoughts fdjghkdfj)

i would like to preface this by saying that i am firmly in "argyle and steve are both genuinely smart" territory. i think steve is very neurodivergent coded (i see the arguments for adhd/autism/dyslexia/ocd and as someone who might be autistic but is diagnosed with the other three....i see these arguments and i agree on all fronts) and there's also the head trauma of it all, though that's not what this is about. he's not fucking dumb, he just needs things broken down and explained to him in a very specific way. nothing wrong with that!

as far as argyle is concerned - we've literally seen him in action noticing small details no one else has(one of my fav parallels between them), which ends up being the reason the cali group finds nina and el. he's not fucking dumb either, just delivered to us as a comic relief stoner character with little dimension because the duffers need to be fucking stopped

BUT ANYWAY! you're so right! argyle would see the way steve sometimes gets brushed off and spoken over. the rest don't mean it to be hurtful and steve tries not to show that it does sometimes sting (because it's really not that big of a deal to him and it's not like they're being outright mean) but he would ABSOLUTELY "yes and-" whatever steve's off the wall question or idea was, if anything just to make him laugh, relieve some of the tension. AND IT WORKS is the thing.

it's not just, "duuuude, what if we just lure vecna into the sun? he'll be TOAST in five seconds flat, no fighting necessary. nancy, you can put the gun down, we're gonna hurl garlic cloves at him with a slingshot!" in one fell swoop, argyle is 1. making sure steve feels heard and not spoken over; 2. acknowledging steve's input and effort in a way that, let's be honest, the others don't do very often; 3. putting a smile on the group's faces for a while because fuck they're kids in a stressful situation and need a laugh; 4. putting himself in the line of fire so the others can rag on him instead.

argyle would do this when they aren't even dating yet and steve definitely would not be normal about it, he'd be smiling so big and soft and then argyle would catch his eye and smile back and they'd have this little quiet moment between them amidst all the chaos and dread.

after they're dating though? oh, they'd be INSUFFERABLE. they'd be such a pda couple, with the ridiculous pet names("what the fuck did you just call me?" "don't worry about it, my lil sweet potato pie."), and the open flirting until their friends are fake-retching, the whole nine yards. argyle is hanging off of steve's back with his arms around his waist and not even acknowledging it as he makes his argument to the rest of the group that, "no, no, listen. steve is onto something here, i just know. what if-"

and when they're alone, it'd be less of the theatrics and silliness and more of the gentle patience. they're both smart in really different ways and when argyle gets something steve doesn't and steve is getting a little frustrated about it, he'd take his hand or pull him close and just distract him with a little bit of affection to get him to cool down because he knows being frustrated isn't going to help steve figure out whatever it is. conversely, steve does the same when he's trying to explain something to argyle - though he's less likely to get as frustrated when confused, and more likely to pretend to take longer to get it than he actually does because listening to steve explain a subject he's knowledgeable about is fucking hot, can you blame him? they're just soft with each other, okay

[gracegrove]

This conversation started out civil you know... you jumped straight into the deep end because???? But cool. I'm here for it.

*We don't know that Billy "made her life hell". Did he make Max's life difficult? Yeah. Sure. It's very difficult to deal with, interact with, live with, and try to support anyone in an abusive household especially when you also live in that same household.

You do realize that Max said Billy "made my life a living hell" and that she "wanted him out of my life" as a lure right? Or do you truly just want to interpret that scene that literally. Only at face value. Because if you do... then you also have to accept Max's words (literally) that Max can't forgive herself because she does feel responsible for Billy's death. Why she feels she deserves retribution. And that she feels that if she dies it would be deserved. That's the logic you have to follow. And yet here you are only cherry-picking half of Max's logic because it's easier for you to displace something uncomfortable about a character you like and feel is a victim to remain spotless. You don't want Max to look like she truly cares about Billy or that she herself wished harm on Billy (bc you don't mention that you only mentioned the more tender parts about victimhood).

If the fault lies completely with Billy and Max is only a punching bag to him. And we don't talk at all about how Max feels on the matter in any given breath... we can make it all Billy's fault. Because Billy's a horrible person? Am I getting that right?

You can be angry with someone. You can both hate and love someone. Someone can die and you can feel guilty about it even when there was nothing you could do. You can feel like someone is ruining your life or making it hell or even want them dead... and still love them. People have these kinds of family relationships all the time.

You can also by hyper-fucking-bolic and say your life is hell when in actuality it's just extremely stressful.

When she says she wished Billy would have crashed his car, she mentioned how guilty that makes her feel because she loves him. "I've tried to forgive myself..." "I've tried but I can't" because she genuinely cares about him.

She didn't want Billy out of her life. Max in s3 was speaking with El about how their relationship as siblings was improving. Why would you try to mend a relationship with someone if you don't care about them? Or if you want them gone? You wouldn't. You'd avoid them. The implication was that Max and Billy were growing closer the more they were becoming settled into Hawkins.

If she wanted Billy gone why even run to him after he was impaled by the mindflayer? Why not just continue to stand there in shock like everyone else? Why did she fight when El was separating her from Billy's body? Because she cares about him.

And yes babe, she did have a buffer. The buffer is that she isn't being directly abused by Neil. He is the one who sets both Billy's and Max's environment up to evolve and run in such a toxic dynamic in the first place. If there was no Neil. There would be a much greater chance that Max and Billy's relationship would have room to breathe and heal. There's also a high likelihood that Billy wouldn't be the Billy he became if it wasn't for Neil. So don't take my words out of context and then act like there's no precipitant for Billy's actions when their are.

Babe babe babe. Again with the cherry-picking and taking words out of context. Read what I wrote before you quote it. If I get you super stressed out, make you feel cornered, and just keep pushing and pushing and pushing you until you get to a point where you react and swing at me. In that split second are you (in your mind going to stop and think "oh i shouldn't punch her in her stupid face... that would be wrong.") No. You're just going to straight up swing at me, because you're reacting in a moment of stress. That's the point.

Can you tell yourself after and realize that the behavior was wrong. Yes. Can I tell you after you hit me that the behavior was wrong? Yes. But in the split second, while a reaction is being carried out no one has the capacity to tell themselves "oh i can't do this its wrong". you either have to have the capacity and skills in place to keep yourself from reaching that point in the first place which Billy lacks, or you have to come back to it after the action has occurred.

I never said Billy lacks the capacity to know what he does is wrong, aggressive, or excessive. What I said is that Billy is so hyperaroused because of the abuse he's been subject to that he is combative or reactive around others and doesn't take into account that his actions are overly aggressive, excessive, or frightening. Because he's in an altered mental state. It would be like telling a bull that's charging at you in a small room to full-on stop because the bull should know that's dangerous. The bull is going to charge because it's already in a distressed state and you're not going to be able to change it's behavior until after the charge.

Understand what the difference between action/response and reaction is:

It's crazy that Billy fans can blame everyone but Billy.

There was a comment on Tiktok that said "Max did this to herself she wanted to feel guilty she chose it. Billy was already dead."

This is the answer I got. (I couldn't find the original comment but I did find the answers this person gave me.)

Like wtf?

And yes I know. Billy had a bad life too, his father wasn't a good person but that's no excuse.

Do you know who else has a life like Billy? Max.

But did she turn into an abusive racist? No.

I know that trauma can affect people differently. But that doesn't mean you can be racist and abusive.

And please don't tell me, "But there was no one with Billy." No one was there because Billy was rude to them.

[diamondzart]

*claps* ANALYSIS/THEORY TIME GUYS

I just finished rewatching Despicable Me 2 and I got a bunch of screenshots here yeah lets gooooo! You already know which character is the main focus for me here ;)

Okay I just wanted to try and clarify the whole “they worked together for 40 years and then Nefario just straight up abandoned Gru at first opportunity”. I’m here to say that he probably never planned to leave forever. More like he wanted to lure Gru back into being evil. And this leaving was just a step that he needed to make for this plan to work out properly.

As we know from Minions 2, in his early 30s Nefario was about to start living honest life without any crimes and other stuff like that, but Gru just came and dragged him back, this time for the rest of his life. And now he is in mid 70s, there is already no time for him to change the lifestyle again, he is already fully devoted to villainy and can’t imagine his existence without it. And then Gru goes “oops yeah I wanna live an honest life”, and Nefario is like “…….man what the f**k did I tell you like 40 years ago???”

He just can’t change himself anymore, he feels out of place, but he doesn’t want to grow apart with Gru since he is probably the only one who he can truly call his family. So he tries to do the same thing that Gru did to him all those years ago - drag him back into being villain.

He goes to work for El Macho and slowly takes the minions after him, and basically this whole purple army thing is just a big bait for Gru. I’m almost certain that he convinced El Macho that they need to invite Gru into this plan, since he was really happy to finally see him in El Macho’s lair and even brought the confetti to celebrate their reunion as a team. He was hoping that Gru will get inspired, that they will be back to being villains and will take over the world together with their new forces.

I’m pretty sure that at some point Nefario would just quietly get rid of El Macho and go “oops, looks like there are two of us again, cool right?”

He looks quite disappointed when Gru doesn’t show any enthusiasm for the idea. He doesn’t want to take over the world without him. All of this was just to bring his evil boi back into the business. Aw.

And he definitely didn’t expect El Macho to sic the purple minion on Gru. That was the moment that he realised that the situation went out of control. “Destroying the family in case Gru doesn’t join us” clearly wasn’t on his to-do list.

So almost immediately after that Nefario goes back to Gru’s side and sabotages El Macho’s plans. Because the whole plan of luring Gru into the villainy transformed into a big life threat for everyone too fast. Not only for Gru, but for the girls and Lucy as well.

Does Nefario treat the girls like granddaughters? I think yeah, kind of. His attitude to them evolved from DM 1 a lot. I think he even started seeing in them the echoes of his past with 11 yr old Gru. Just look how happy he is about bringing them with him into the battle and giving them guns and stuff, he forgets for a minute that Gru is much more protective about children then Marlena was.

There is a sparkle in him that reminded him of the younger days when he and small Gru were just having genuine fun. Maybe he even felt for a few moments that he went back in time, he wasn’t as excited about anything through the whole movie as much as he was about giving the gOrls the guns and letting them have pure fun without consequences. He is clearly having the time of his life during the whole final battle scene.

Oh my GOD that was a lot. I hope you like the whole thing, I spent like 50 minutes on making this post, lol :D

Any thoughts, maybe? I’d be very happy to hear from you, thank you for reading! <3

[theskyexists]

scholomance 2

The first half of this book was a bit slow and not so crunchy, the second was very very crunchy, and the twist worked out pretty well.

things that don’t make a whole lot of sense:

1. why is there a weight limit (this could be explained by saying it takes gallons of mana to bring mass in that way thus weight capped)

2. why does failing the exams literally maim or kill you. i would protest that shit if i were a fucking parent.

3. why the fuck would you need to reach some damn gates to get out when the kids get IN via induction spell and the way out is via unspooling that same spell

4. why didn’t they use the goddamn COMPLETELY FREE healing spell again

5. why not use a reviser to phase mals (MAWMOUTHS) out of the graduation hall.

6. so why exactly does the school KEEP good spells from students and fuck them over so much with exams and languages if it actually IS aiming to keep them all alive. what a weird twist. would have made much more sense if it was simply the biggest mal yet. like why the fuck would it have encouraged El NOT to go after the mawmouth going after the freshmen if it was trying to keep students safe???

7. i still dont understand where mana comes from and why it comes from horror terror annoyance pain

things that don’t make sense to me narratively:

1. why have El go on and on about enclaves and reading and studying and the scholomance is in essence an enclave and not capitalise on that (maybe next book but like...)

2. why was Precious such a bitch about El getting together with Orion? like jezus, they were just dating, just kissing and having sex and falling in love and shit. whats wrong with that my god. yeah shes gonna be devastated and everything bc he lied. he doesn’t love her more than killing mals (a very late dramatic twist bc for the longest time El didn’t even understand he genuinely loves it)

steps forward now:

just keep doing this shit ey? make an enclave type thing as a trap, lure em all in and boot the bit of matter into the void. BAM. exterminator supreme, El!

Like i was like, well now the chances are 50/50 for wizard kids, let’s build a new scholomance, and have the kids come down the maintenance shaft every week to burn the new ones out in teams (new freshman handbook rules, seniors do this so graduation goes way smoother) and especially kill the agglos and re-ward the mortal flame machines. if a mawmouth shows up just revise it out of existence with the revisers you put under everybody’s pillows. since this was never said to cost too much mana - why not.

but now theres a much better option. just boot em out into the void. just do that shit! hope the debris doesn’t bump into some enclave also out in the void.

incomprehensible liveblog:

is she gonna be a teacher???? to these freshman kids?

scholomance is so damn hard on these kids but it does also sometimes act in their best interests....probably to keep them coming

ok so the scholomance is trying to kill her even more desperately. by playing on her protective instinct, by assigning her the worst ever seminars and classrooms

why doesn’t she ASK CHLOE OR ORION FOR MANA OH MY GOD. WHY DOESN’T ORION OFFER IT TO HER

‘Sure, the story is, the enclaves put in some mana, and our parents all put in some mana if they can afford it, and we put in mana with our work, but we all know that’s a story. The single biggest source of the school’s mana is us. We’re all trying to save mana for graduation; everyone’s working on it all the time. The mana we grudgingly put into our schoolwork and our maintenance shifts is nothing compared with the amounts we put away for that rainiest of rainy days. And when the mals tear us apart, of course we grab for all that nice juicy power we’ve desperately been saving up, and they suck it out of us, only built up more by all our terror and final agony and struggles to live. The Scholomance gets the spillover, and then thanks to all those wards, it kills off a good healthy number of the mals, too, and it all ends up in the school’s mana stores—where it goes to keep the rest of us luckier ones alive’

So when an enthusiastic hero—read, Orion—shows up and starts saving lives, and the mals start to starve, the school starts to starve, too. And at the same time, has more of us alive in here, breathing and drinking et cetera. It’s all a pyramid scheme, and if there aren’t enough of us on the bottom being eaten, there’s not enough for the ones at the top.

an explanation!

so in other words, the only thing that comes into this closed system is the kids, and teh mals. and teh scholomance can only grab teh spillover of mana when the mals or kids are killed, or the kids deliberately put mana into maintenance/schoolwork. somehow. i guess there’s a huge loss on the energy when it’s used to kill though. somehow. i guess because the mana is transformed into something else by spells. thus it cannot be sucked up by the school. but it’s happy with Orion killing teh small mals. won’t it be happy with El doing the same?

EXACTLY. ASK CHLOE. REMIND HER WHAT EL CAN DO. FOR GOOD OR BAD.

YES!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY SOMEBODY GOT THEIR WITS TOGETHER AND REALISED THAT EL IS THE ONE TO GIVE THE RESOURCES

NOW THE WHOLE SCHOOL’S GOT A POWERHOUSE

won’t the new york enclave be upset with Chloe’s alliance?

pretty sad to have el’s work always (still!) be attributed to orion

AAHH there’s a freshman handbook.... which el read ofc but orion didn’t.

Well fucking finally people realised that El’s a catch. I mean - jezus christ. She really could have shown everbody from the start.

what i dont get is if her mother had 7 spellbooks why doesnt she know more of her spells

why the fuck aren’t they inviting orion on their team

Why the FUCK would they stop working on the honeypot if the lute plan mostly worked and apparently Orion has just found the key component of wizard blood. It's essential that Orion pours in more mana into the pool!!! Wtf???

Why think it normal that's 1. Scholomance has it out for El 2. THUS the mals come after her. Just cos the school lets them through or what?

The finals literally main students. SURELY wizards didn't think of that part???? Surely thats the scholomance operating as much within its parameters to weaken the weak further?

Why the hell would El consider all the killing spells she gets useless? The whole point is to kill mals. She could become a literal exterminator outside too.

It really does seem like the wizards have lost control of the school. Why else couldn't they sneak in adults with induction?

How the fuck can I ship Orion and El if he doesn't even get anything ever about her. But I guess his dumbness strengthens her

What are the mouse familiars about...

You're telling me that there's NO magic to keep you from getting pregnant???? Hello??? Aha. The spell gets confused....that doesn't make any sense lol. It's not like a shield spell gets confused when you walk into a gout of flame deliberately to get to the other side of the graduation hall, now does it?

The obstacle course stuff implies that wizards can still adjust things inside the scholomance. So why would they allow the Scholomance to maim those who fail their exams.

I thought seniors got access to way better spells? But El's gotten nothing. Also that reviser trick is great. Why not dump patience and fortitude out into the void like that? And reading so much about enclave spells, I feel like that should give her a way with the reality and unreality of the scholomance.

Why the fuck would El say that mature wizards are the real apex predators. In what sense. What do they hunt

Oh only NOW does El ask the invincible hero in love with her to join her team. What the fuck. And he doesn't say yes? And she was asking him for his safety?

What I don't understand is why they don't share spells. I understand keeping mana for yourself but why not spells??

They actually use the spells they're gonna use at graduation? I mean...isn't that wasting mana. And the obstacle course can kill you. I mean....that's only going to lower everybody's chances right

They're all bloodied up. So let's do a circle spell again? THEY DONT DO THE COMPLETELY FREE HEALING SPELL

Right - ok that explains the casting. If the course fakes the effect then either it's an illusion and illusions are cheaper or the ffect comes out of the general mana pool and we know why the scholomance is always so hungry

Why the fuck would her wither spells not work but khamis firepotion would? Lol

Ahhh now she realises that she must save them all. But! How can she save them all - right?

She should take everybody with her on this course. Yep she is. But she should do it all together maybe.

El is so FUCKING stupid. She never tells people anything. 'oh they won't believe I'm powerful without proof :(' 'oh they won't believe I'll help people :('

Just TELL THEM. Ok just going for it was effective. And now ALL the teams are becoming more and more tightly knit.....

It's funny. El's got the INSTINCTS for bringing people together but she hasn't got the rational thinking for it. That's gotta be her friends dealing with her.

AND she keeps thinking : yeah I'm not doing that, but then doing it anyway. MAWMOUTH here she comes.

Orion is such a dumb brick Jezus Christ. He's really gone down in attractiveness

The SECOND half of this book is actually picking up

El keeps yammering on about how unfairly Orion was treated in the enclave but I genuinely do not see it. She makes deals all the time and thinks them fair. All the wizards do all their lives - and the enclave made the deal with Orion that he'd kill mals - which he instinctively loves to do - and they'd give him whatever. Which I think is pretty damn fair. Just because Orion is SO extremely lucky that he doesn't need any protection and wouldn't have had to come to the scholomance at all to survive - well, that's HIS EXTREME LUCK - which El used to despise in anyone. But if it's natural not social it's fine apparently.

YES!!! LIESEL!!!! ARMY GENERAL!!!!

Since they can't keep more than 300 alive, they're gonna somehow have to go one after the other. But how?

God theyre good. Kept their whole generation from getting eaten much. And now they're tackling graduation like no one else. What about the kids who come after...?

Liesel is so fucking right and El is almost as much an idiot as Orion. Idiot could have told and shown everyone and they could have prepared for FOUR years together.

What's up with this mouse trying to force El to stay away from Orion like she's the manifestation of Gwen's message.

LOOK AT WHAT THEY CAN ACCOMPLISH TOGETHER!!!!!!!!

And look how enormously useful El's death spells are. Should have written some more

EXACTLY. HAH. HERE IT COMES. Thanks sudarat. She's getting them all out. Alllll of em. Yep. All of the seniors. But what about those poor freshmen.....

The title is a bit of a hint. Her friends are gonna pissed when she stays behind.

'im so stupid' yeah El you're smarter than Orion but stupider than most others.

El my dear - you could make it better. You could improve the wards, burn out the mals, teach the children, defend defend defend, for as long as you stay

What would happen on the outside... More and more wizard kids. The lucky ones all survive in scholomance. The others die outside. And the wizard population grows... There really was something to the throwaway comment about wizards being the predators. Ecology ecology.

Maybe.....yeah the scholomance does want to be better. So.... It was nice to Orion because he was protecting kids. And it was hard on El to attempt prod her into action... After all....it gave her the sutra book, and kept her in the aisle. Not to keep her from helping Orion but to allow her to get the book. And it tried to get her out of the aisle when the mawmouth was there. Because it wasnt sure she could kill it. It put her with freshmen and led mals there to test her and to prepare her.

Thing is, if what's in the graduation hall is just so horrible - then them repairing the burners probably didn't work, and all those seniors died.

Oh right. It probably did work, and that's why the mawmouths are now desperately hungry.

Oh what. Oh no. Oh what the fuck. Where are they.

If the induction spell can drop you into your new room, and graduation is actually the reverse. WHY EVEN HAVE GATES.

'what do you want me to do?' she asks. And precious thinks it's obvious?

So the school made her care about everybody and told her look: you can.

Hmmm. But this is a very strange narrative twist. I was really getting into the whole army preparing to survive together by helping each other. And now there's nothing?

why the FUCK would the narrative go this way wtf.

I thought she would get everybody out, have to heroically fight patience and fortitude and then push Orion and Aadhya and Liu out with the sweep spell bc she'd stay forever to keep every generation safe.

But I guess that's....not it.

Ok but this is inconsistent because last year they were very much afraid of a full grown agglo coming through the doors down to graduation. (edit: that was an argonet apparently)

Ok I understand that a mawmouth is bad news but uhhhh El and Orion went down there and fixed stuff and didn't come across a single one. Like. Yeah yeah the little ones are faster but like...

But seriously why is there a graduation hall and not just a reverse on the induction spell

What WOULD work as a plan apart from dropping the whole school in the void is creating things that eat the agglos but which have a destruct button from a distance. Also simply reverse the induction spell to make graduation unnecessary. That having been built in really makes me feel like there's a hidden "lure all the mals to scholomance so they don't overwhelm all of wizard kind' agenda behind it secretly maybe perhaps.

So now I understand why the honeypot shit was in there. Don't understand why the narrative made it fail on small scale though.

Why make graduation only half an hour?

Also. Orion Lake leaking some sort of eldritch stuff out of his eyes certainly should have made an alarm bell go off in El's head perhaps.

OK SO. I think it's silly that a new mawmouth is given as an excuse that they can't keep killing the agglo's and repairing the mortal flame machine. Especially because the mortal flame took whole layers off of fortitude and patience. If you just dodged around the mawmouth /shielded enough - whichever came in in a couple of years, and you've got lots of space now - then you could easily keep it down if not kill it. Also - if the whole point was that Agglos are destroying the flame machine - specifically agglos - then I'm pretty sure that the narrative should have had El notice them chewing on the flame machine in the graduation hall when she was there. And a mawmouth is only a long term risk, they could improve odds for 5 years at least by regularly taking the maintenance shaft down and blasting any new mals to bits. Like every month. Or am I underestimating the presence of a single mawmouth? They really instantly want only a permanent solution.

More importantly, I'm a bit sad that instead of this development giving them space to create a whole new culture, one of all for one and and all for one, which will improve all of their odds enormously and make the experience hugely more pleasant - a culture they could pass on to the freshmen etc if they continue to root out mals together, perhaps hey, in teams from the start, patrolling,etc. but maybe the culture shift will happen outside as their whole generation is now in serious solidarity with each other.

This is one way I can see the prophecy working out in an unexpected positive way. El casts down the enclaves through true solidarity and reducing the desperate dependence that indie wizards have on enclaves. Also makes a mass killing in mals.

One more thing though is why don't they just let their kids get adopted by mundanes. Or idk invited mundanes into their house at all times? Whystick to the nuclear family. Grab your mundanes - grab homeless people off the streets and make them babysitters! Get a mundane nanny bodyguard! Jeeze. get four!

Two other ways I can see this plan go horribly wrong though and fulfilling the prophecy:

1. patience and fortitude are loose. Where did they go? More importantly - where did the Bangkok enclave go.... Can mawmouths traverse the void? Or...did the mawmouths simply roll out and go back hunting in the real world? Two huge impossible to kill mawmouths? Because Orion and El managed to deprive them?

2. There's a lot of ecosystem-type talk - reproductive rates, survival rates and predator Vs. prey. What if it was a good thing that all these wizard kids died? That is to say - it kept balance. This ties into one of my questions: how did wizards survive at all when 6 in 7 kids are normally eaten? It is said that mals used to be less powerful and hungry.... What changed so rapidly ? Or were wizards simply having loads and loads of kids to beat the odds? (seems unlikely to me)

El has often misinterpreted the Scholomance, and I think it's wrong to think it would evenhandedly keep kids safe. I'd say it absolutely does not - and picks off the weak to power itself so the strong can survive.

Im not into this romance anymore. El is so constantly worried about Orion - and yes he's shown himself dumb as a brick, dumb enough to get himself killed almost a dozen times. But! He's so completely blasé. He's never ever shown himself to align with her sense of injustice about his serious desire to simply kill kill kill them mals.

They're literally going to escape like tomorrow. So just fuck already! Jesus! Ok finally.

EXACTLY. Jezus did they really need to have sex first for Orion to set El straight on how he's not been damaged by his parents and enclave? He's just LIKE THIS. he loves to kill and slurp up mana. That's who he is. Lol - but she really can't deal with it. She kept trying to blame the enclave but ITS JUST WHO HE IS.

SHE REALLY STILL THINKS THAT ORION HAS SIMPLY BEEN TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?????

Please do NOT die Liu. DO NOT DIE.

Oh right ok that's the crux. He thinks he's weird. But he IS weird. But that doesn't mean he can't pursue happiness.

I do wonder.... HAVE THEY ACTUALLY TESTED THAT THE SONG WILL LURE THE MALS AWAY FROM THE WIZARDS ACTUALLY LITERALLY STANDING THERE IN LINE

Also I wonder.....whether she's gonna have to kill another mawmouth

An obstruction eh.....might....that....be...a....mawmouth....

Ok but if the induction point is where the kids go back, and it is ringed by adult wizards, and ringed by hungry mals, how are the mals getting past the wizards. And also...if they've lured lots of hungry mals to the induction points and the kids are going back there........

Are they expecting a mawmouth tho. Like there's two still HERE!!!!!

Lol finally El understands and BELIEVES Orion. Jezus when he tells you something El - LISTEN. STOP THINKING HES NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD. now she understands.

Please tell me that the kids going out didn't all get eaten. This isn't that kind of book right.

Why did they not expect a mawmouth. And why was it able to get through the fucking refusalshield??? That doesn't make any sense???? Was Alfie already out???? Oh it wasn't UP to the gate.

Liesel is so damn smart lol. She's so much smarter than El. TAKE THE DAMN MINDPHONE EL OR YOULL NEVER BE ABLE TO CALL ORION THROUGH THE FUCKING GATE

What the FUCK Orion.

Jezus Christ. He can't even fucking kill it! Oh my god.

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 59

Warnings: Profanity

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @ocfairygodmother​

A hot shower and a three hour nap -aided by a mixture of antidepressants, anxiety meds, and pain killers washed down by three shots of tequila- has done Tyler a world of good.  Waking up feeling energized; still riding the high of the morning’s adrenaline rush and relatively pain free. Nothing more than a dull throb in the deepest part of the shoulder; some discomfort and audible cracking and popping when he stretches and manipulates it. But it’s bearable, unlike the agony that’s been a near constant fixture in his life for the past couple of years. While the initial replacement surgery and rehab had both been complete successes, a full recovery had eluded him. It had been his own fault, of course; the surgeon’s orders  had been to alter his lifestyle and to avoid the very ‘activity’ that had caused so much damage in the first place. That ‘advice’ had lasted all of four months, until Nik had called, desperately needing his help and he’d been unable to resist both the lure of the game and the promise of damn good money.

He’d attempted to walk away several times in as many years, fully intending to commit himself to being a family man with his own little side business. Content with the motions of being the one to stay home with the kids while his wife either went back to school or found a new career she’d be happy with. But sometimes the best laid plans don’t work out. Not long after an early term miscarriage when the twins were two and a half, she’d  gotten pregnant with Declan DESPITE being on birth control and coming to a mutual decision to wait until both Millie and the twins were in school full time before once again trying to add to their family. It had been completely unexpected, and off of their previous plans regarding their home life quickly went by the wayside. The job was easy money; he was confident in his skills and his abilities and Nik had promised to offer only the easiest of gigs.

That changed quickly. What should have been an ‘in and out’ assassination of a key political figure in El Salvador turning  into a four day shit show that had him falling into dangerous enemy territory and almost needing to be extracted himself. After that, he’d said ‘fuck it’ and began taking whatever Nik brought to the table. And his physical health began to pay the price.

He orders a meal from room service and cracks open the bottle of whisky in the mini bar. He’s stuck to his word; staying sober while actually ON the job and not ever indulging during his downtime. Unlike the old days, he’s able to both pace himself AND stop after just a couple. A far cry from the guy who’d polish off an entire bottle and would be either too hung over to get up with his kids in the morning, or already passed out in the early evening; missing school events and extra curricular activities that he’d promised he’d attend. He refuses to be that guy again; the one who’d almost single handedly ruined his marriage because he put the bottle and the pain meds at the top of his priority list; allowing his addictions to take precedence over his family. The one who’d rightfully had his ass kicked out and then spent the next six months in a drunken stupor.

Never again. Never again will he be ‘that guy’. The absolute failure as a husband and a father. He can control it now; no longer needing to silence the inner demons or lessen the emotional suffering by getting. The want not nearly as powerful. Before it had been a way of life; no day complete without at least the smallest buzz. Now it’s a matter of convenience. Even enjoyment. A feeling of satisfaction and relief when the whisky finally hits the tongue and he experiences the initial burn in the back of his throat. After that, one drink doesn’t make him crave more. Instead satisfying his palate with bottle water and Gatorade and terrible coffee made in the hotel provided maker.

He’s lounging in the middle of the bed in a pair of boxer briefs when Koen finally returns. Back resting against the headboard and his legs stretched out; laptop resting on his thighs and a plate of food in his hands. And he only gives a brief glance towards the door when Koen stomps in and allows it to slam shut behind him.  Offering no greeting, calmly and casually eating from the enormous serving of goat curry and naan bread,  eyes never leaving the video playing on the computer; his three oldest on the plane, reading HIM a story and every so often having mispronounced words gently and lovingly corrected by their mother. And the grin that plays on his lips is double fold; pride and love for those beautiful and intelligent little human beings he’d had a hand in creating, and amusement at Koen’s mutters and complaints and strings of profanity.

“Look at you,” his friend grumbles. “All fucking relaxed and shit. Cocky, shit eating  grin on your face.”

Tyler’s attention  never leaves  the laptop. A different video this time; Addie giving a real, genuine smile when she has her chin tickled. That one brings the prick of tears to his eyes. She’s still so tiny and so fragile, but she is...in fact...growing up.

“Why do you swear all the time?” He finally asks. “Makes you sound stupid. Find another fucking adjective.”

Koen smirks. “Well aren’t you just the clever one. Leave it to your brain damaged ass to remember THAT.”

“It’s my short term memory that’s fucked. Although I do remember threatening to throw your ass off the balcony. Keep calling me stupid or brain damaged, and it’ll happen.”

“Don’t be so goddamn sensitive. What’cha watching?”

“Just some videos Esme sent me. Of the kids. I’ve got two five year olds and a six year old that can read better than I can. How’d the fuck that ever happen?”

“Well their momma’s pretty damn smart. Maybe just be thankful their brains at least took after her.”

Tyler frowns, then flips Koen the middle finger.  “I meant that they’re practically babies still and they can read like they’re a lot older. They’re so smart. So fucking smart.”

“Definitely gonna be trouble makers when they’re older. Imagine them as teenagers? Especially Millie? With that mouth of hers?”

“That mouth of hers is going to keep trouble AWAY from her. She says what she wants; fuck anyone’s feelings. Someone gets mouthy with her when she’s older, she’ll put them in their place. And if her own mouth doesn’t do it, her right hook will. She's a savage that kid.”

“Best of both mom and dad if you ask me. And look at you just kicking back. Acting like  you didn’t just butcher two people this morning.”

Tyler shrugs. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for them?”

“Just thought maybe you’d be a little more...I don’t know...grumpy.”

“Why would I? They got what was coming to them. And they deserved a lot worse. You think that was brutal? Wait until I have more time and more space.”

“You’re starting to scare me a bit, mate. You’re enjoying this a little too much, I reckon.”

“Well if it was  your family being threatened, you’d enjoy it too. You know what kind of things they would have done to my wife and kids? What I did is tame compared to what they had planned. I’ve heard the threats; you haven’t. It’s nightmare inducing shit. Let’s leave it at that.”

“That why you been freaking out in your sleep? Waking up barely able to breathe and shit? Scared the crap out of me the first couple of times.”

“It’s fucking with my head a bit,”  Tyler admits. “Kind of hard not to let it mess with you. Trust me when I say that what I read? What was said about Esme? About the kids? I don’t wish any of it on my worst enemy.”   It makes bile rise in his throat just thinking about it and he places the laptop on the bed and reaches for the bottle of Gatorade sitting on the nightstand. Downing half in order to rid himself of the bitterness and the burn.   “Heard you guys had a bit of trouble.”

Koen scowls, pausing in the middle of taking off his gear. “Don’t get all cocky again, young man.”

“Not getting cocky. Just repeating what I heard. Didn’t you guys leave the same time I did?”

“Your point?”

“No point.” A slow, sly grin spreads across his face. “Just making an observation. I mean, I was alone and had to take out two people. By myself. Took me twenty minutes. And that includes me getting there AND back. You know all the shit I’ve done since then?”

“Nope. But I bet you’re gonna tell me, aren’t ya.”

“Took a shower, ate, slept for three hours. Now I’m eating again. And you’re getting back. Just now. It’s almost six. In the evening.”

“You’ve kept yourself busy. You jerk off sometime in there too?”

“Twice, actually.”

“Your lazy ass could have handled some more work. Instead you’ve been here slacking.”

“I’d done my bit for the day. Next time be faster.”

“Easy for you to say,” Koen scoffs. “Mister ‘I have all the experience’.  You now, we could have used your help out there.”

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t hear that. Can you repeat it?”

“Don’t be a little prick."

“I swear you just said that you could have used MY help. I swear you just said that.”

“You’re asking for an ass kicking, you know that?”

“Funny how you wanted my help when this morning you were acting I like I didn’t know what the fuck In was doing. It’s almost like...I don’t know...like you’re actually admitting you were wrong.”

“I ain’t admitting shit. Just saying we could have used your help.”

“Why? Apparently I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I am five seconds away from punching you in the face,” Koen growls. “And your wife won’t be too happy if I mess that face up. So…”

“Just swallow your pride and admit you’re wrong, mate. That you shouldn’t have underestimated me. Get it off your chest. It’ll make you feel better.”

“Make you feel better, you mean. I’d rather stroke your cock than your ego.”

“Well you’re definitely never getting anywhere near my cock so it’s my ego or nothing.”

“Fine,” Koen sighs heavily. “I underestimated you. I will never again second guess your skills or your abilities. But I still think you’re a brain damaged fuck.”

“I’ll take it,” Tyler says, then sits the now empty plate and Gatorade bottle on the nightstand and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. “How did it go in the end?” he asks, groaning and grimacing as he stands. Forty starting to feel like it’s closer to death, never mind middle age.

“They’re dead. So it ended on a good note. Put up a hell of a fight. Rata took an elbow to the face and went crazy. Beat the guy to death. You would have been impressed. I think he’s a natural.”

“And you?”

“I prefer the simple things in life. Pull a trigger and it’s done. I’ll leave the more hands on, gruesome shit for you two. Gotta date or something?”

“Going to the airport.” He slips into a pair of jeans and a simple black t-shirt. “Going to see my wife and kids.”

“Think that’s a good idea?”

Tyler sighs in exasperation. “Don’t fucking start this shit again.”

“Just if anyone is following you and you lead them right to your family…”

“Anil gave me the okay. Said he’s got tons of guys keeping their eyes on things. Yaz is sending a couple of people with me. So fuck off with this overprotective bullshit.”

“Now you know how your wife feels.”

“I have a reason to worry about her. A LOT of reasons. Damn good ones too. If you’re going to ride my ass so hard, at least pull my fucking hair.”

Koen smirks. “You’re into that kinda shit, aren’t ya. I knew it. Always knew you were a freak.”

“As much as I’d like to stay here and discuss my sex life with you, I’ve got better things to do.”  He attaches his holster to his right hip, gathers up his wallet and hotel key card and both phones.

“You better not come back here with that ‘’just got fucked’ grin on your face,” Koen warns. “Because I will beat your ass.”

“You’ll be too busy beating something else.” Tyler retorts, right hand mimicking jerking off. Chuckling when Koen throws a shoe at him when he steps out the door.

****

It’s only a fifteen minute drive to the airport and he already knows everything there is to know about the young tech that Yaz has recruited to ‘escort’ him. It’s annoying enough not to be able to something as simple as driving, but to have to stuck with someone that is overly chatty and friendly is nothing short of torture.  He’s never been a social creature; unlike his wife who makes friends easily and never shies away from making conversation with just about anyone, including strangers in the grocery store or out on the street. She’d been the first...and only...chatty person that hasn’t gotten on his nerves.

Her name is Riya and she’s twenty one; last of eight kids, her mother and father both extremely successful and wealthy business people in Dubai. The so-called ‘black sheep’ of the family; all but disowned when she’d decided to attend an American university  -Georgetown- and  make her home there. Even if he HAD have been talker, he wouldn’t have had the chance to offer up much commentary; her mouth running a mile a minute as she nervously and awkwardly spills even the smallest details of her life.

He doesn’t have the heart to tell her to stop her. The old Tyler...the one that existed only six short years ago...would have already snapped and told her to shut the fuck up. But who he is now...the man he is...is different in so many ways. Far more patient. Considerate. Empathetic, even. And the father of a little girl that is the very definition of a chatterbox. Who’s bright eyed and bubbly and talkative from the time she opens her eyes in the morning until the moment she closes them at night. And he wouldn’t want some asshole speaking to his own daughter like that, so why would he?

“How long HAVE you been married for?” Riya asks, and he can hear Esme’s voice in his head; reminding him that not everyone is out to get him. That their curiosity is often just that. They’re genuinely interested in him and want to be his friend.

“Six and a half years.” Sometimes it doesn’t feel nearly that long. Other times, considering all of the bad shit they’ve been through and the time they didn’t think they’d make it. It seems a hell of a lot longer.

“And five kids, right? In only six and a half years?”

“We’ve really been together for seven. Well, almost seven. But yeah. Five kids.”

“They must be really close together.”

“First three are. My daughter is six, the boys are five.”

“Twins? Identical or…?”

“Fraternal. Millie...my daughter...was only two months when we found out they were on their way. They were kind of a surprise, needless to say. We have another boy after them; he’ll be two in a few months. And we have a baby girl. Almost eight weeks.”

“Just a little one.”

Tyler nods. “Very little. Very tiny. My wife is, too, Small. But feisty as hell. And tough. Toughest and strongest person I know.”

“Yaz said you met on the job.”

“Yeah, we got sent out on the same gig, To Bangladesh. Actually had to pretend we were married.”

Riya laughs. “Really?”

“First time I ever got mixed up in something like THAT. It’s a long story, but in the end, my fake wife ended up becoming my real wife.”  He doesn’t feel the need to fill in the gaps between beginning and end; Dhaka and what happened there has never been kept off the radar. Word travels fast in the dame, and every single details has been made available; everything from Mahajan fucking him over to Gaspar’s betrayal to  his near death experience.

“Probably the best ending to a job you’ve ever had,” Riya comments.

“Took me nearly dying and her sticking her fingers in my neck to keep me alive, but yeah, in the end things turned out pretty damn good. What about you? You got a family? Other than the ones that don’t speak to you?”

“Nope. It’s just me. It’s hard finding someone that understands this kind of life. Who won’t judge you for it. And the people you meet through this life aren’t exactly the settling down types. As much as I want to believe I’ll meet someone, I probably should just prepare myself to be alone for the long haul.”

“There’s gotta be someone out there. Either in the game or someone who won’t be bothered by it.”

Fuck. He’s starting to sound like his wife. Years spent listening to her reason with her little sister over the phone that there has to be a guy -or girl- out there that would be into her; a full time student with five cats and a host of mental health issues and an extremely toxic family. Or hearing her talk Ovi through his personal issues; always chasing the wrong girl and left brokenhearted in the end. Normally he just stays out if; offering shrugs of the shoulders or a simple nod or a head shake when Esme attempts to get him involved.

“Maybe there is,” Riya sighs. “Do you have any single friends?”

“My single friends are single for a reason. And I’m a lot older than you and they would be too. So…”

“What about Ovi? He’s your friend. He’s young. Is he single?”

“He’s actually more my son than my friend”

“Son?” Her brow furrows in confusion. “How…?”

“Another long story. We ended up taking in him, giving him a proper home, a family. But yeah. He’s single.”

“Do you think  maybe you could…?”

Tyler laughs. “Yeah...no.  Just no. I’m not trying to be a dick about it, but I don’t get involved with this kind of thing. That, and I’ve got some pretty serious shit I’m dealing with and it’s definitely NOT the time even if  I WAS  the kind that would help. I mean, my wife likes to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong. You could always ask her to talk to him or whatever. I’m not who you want. Trust me.”

“Do you think she would? Put in a good word for me?”

“I guess,” he shrugs. “I don’t know. Look, I’m not the sociable type. So I don’t mean to come across as an asshole, but…”

“You’re honest,” she says. “I heard that about you. That you don’t say much, but you mean what you say and don’t pull any punches.”

“I can be a little harsh,” Tyler admits. “So I’ve been told, anyway.  I’ve bet you heard a lot of things about me.”

She nods.

“Probably not a lot of good things.”

“More good than bad. But the bad is pretty...well...bad.  I don’t know; you don’t seem that awful to me. I mean, how awful can someone be when they have a wife and five kids? No woman would stick around long enough to have one kid, never mind that many.”

“Never thought of it that way. I’m not an easy person to live with. I’ve put her through a lot. But maybe I’m not as terrible as I think I am.”

“I don’t think she’d still be around if you were. If she’s as tough and strong as you say she is, she would have hauled ass a long time ago.”

****

He’s still thinking of those words when they arrive at the airport; pulling right onto the tarmac behind the smaller hangar he’d flowed into only two days before. It feels like a lifetime has passed since then. Since he’s stood in front of his home, kissing and hugging his wife and kids goodbye and wondering if he’d ever see them again. With how successful the morning had been, he wants to be more confident in regards to the eventual outcome. But he knows how things work; each kill will get harder and messier and more complicated. Mahajan will clue into his involvement and up the stakes even more. One good day doesn’t mean you can let your guard down. Not in the slightest.

Riya waits in the car, but both drivers and passengers of the three vehicles that had followed them climb out. Staggering themselves along the tarmac, eyes surveying the surroundings; bullet proof vests under their clothing, weapons at the ready.  The jet’s already arrived and the stairs being placed in front of the open door when he crosses the distances between it and the car; less than ten feet away when the first little body appears. Millie with her ever present messy hair and those Spiderman sandals; an Incredible Hulk t-shirt paired with a frilly -and glittery- pink and purple tutu over a pair of camo leggings.  Her head down at first and a slight frown on her face; shrugging a unicorn and sloth themed backpack onto her shoulders and one foot tentatively checking the strength and support of the stairs in front of her. And when she finally does glance up, the look is one of shock at first.  Her brow furrowed and those huge blue eyes wide and disbelieving. Then quickly widening and sparkling when realization sets in; a brilliant smile spreading across her face.

“Daddy!” She shrieks, and immediately forgets about her discomfort on the stairs, rushing down them and leaping from the second last one; not even stumbling or missing a single stride. “Daddy!”

Tyler catches her as she throws herself at him, effortlessly scooping her up into his arms. Feeling those little arms immediately circle his neck, squeezing as tight as they can and how soft her cheeks and her forehead are against his lips and how impossibly light she seems.

“You said we wouldn’t see you  for a few days!” Her tone has a slight scolding quality to it.

“I thought I’d surprise you guys. I got things finished nice and early so I could come and say hi. I missed you,” he lays a hand on the back of her head and presses a kiss to her temple and then her brow. “I missed you so much.”

“I miss you too. This is the best surprise EVER.”

“Even better than getting Saju as a late birthday gift?”

"I love Saju, but I love you more. You’re my daddy. And I was worried about you. About the bad guys getting a hold of you.”

“The bad guys don’t stand against me. You know that.”

“Daddy!” TJ hollers, and soon both he and his brother -and two dogs- are racing towards him. And with Millie still on his hip, he drops down to one knee, laughing when the force of those of those small bodies - and all of the power and excitement and love inside of them- knock him off balance and he finds himself on his ass on the damp, cold tarmac. Gathering all three kids into his arms and pulling them tightly into him.

“I knew you could do it,” Tanner’s face is buried in the side of his neck, tears hot against his skin. “I knew you could beat up the bad guys and still come and see us! I missed you. I missed you so much.”

“I’ve only been gone two days, mate.”

“Doesn’t matter if it’s only two hours. I still missed you.”

“I missed you too. I missed ALL of you.”  

He presses his lips to each forehead, returns each tight, fierce hug. Still sitting on the ground as he listens to all three speak at once’ excited tales about what they’d done on the plane and the movies they’d watched and the naps they’d taken and the food they’d eaten, Millie showing off her matching bracelet.  And she moves out of the way when Delcan arrives; a beaming smile on his face and a ‘miss daddy’ in his tiny voice before throwing his arms around Tyler’s neck. And he runs his fingers through his son’s silky red hair and showers his cheeks with kisses and holds him as tight as Declan will let him. And even now he’s not sure he deserves all of this. The adoration and the unconditional love and their blind faith and trust in him.

“Good to see ya,” Kyle says in greeting, placing Addie -in her car seat carrier- on the ground beside him, then offering a hand to help Tyler to his feet and giving him a one armed hug. “Especially in one piece. Heard today was the day. Must have went okay. You’re standing here.”

“Went better than I thought it would. I’ll take a good start over a bad one any day.”   He drops to a knee once more, smiling at his baby girl as he unfastens the straps of the carrier.  “Hey sweet pea...hey little peanut…” he scoops that tiny body into his arms, settling her against his chest; a forearm under her bum, hand on the back of her head. “Daddy missed you. He missed you so much.”

“What are you even doing here?” Esme inquires as she joins them, a playful scolding tone to her voice and a look of pure relief on her face.

He grins down at her. “I guess crossing your fingers worked.”

“I guess it did,” she says, and he’s able to keep Addie pressed securely against him with one arm as he wraps the other around his wife; pulling her tightly into him, lips meeting her temple. “I know it’s only been two days,” her voice is muffled against his chest, both arms around his waist. “But I have missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. It’s felt longer than two days.”

She nods, pulling away slightly to look up at him, tears sparking in her eyes. “I was so worried about you. Everything went okay?”

“Better than I thought it would. I’ll call you later and tell you all about it. Fill you in on all the gory details.”

“Yes, because I just love your stories of mutilation and homicide. You’re okay?” Her hands rub at his sides. “You look okay.”

“I’m fine. Not a scratch on me.”

“Guess you haven’t lost your touch after all. And to think you were worried about that.”  Her face turns serious, the amount of tears in her eyes increasing. “I was so fucking worried about you, Tyler.”

“I know you were.” He presses a kiss to her forehead. “It’s okay, baby. Don’t cry. Everything’s fine.”

“I’m just relieved. That I didn’t just have to take your for it and I got to see it...you...with my own eyes. I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”

“Now you’re going to make ME cry.”

“Did you get the videos? Did you watch them?”

“I did. And I’m slightly concerned that my six year and five year olds are already smarter than I am.”

“I don’t think they’re anywhere near being that smart yet, but they are crazy intelligent. Almost scary HOW intelligent. We are going to have our work cut out for us, I think. Having three brainiacs in the house?”

“Four if you count their mom. Where do you think they get it from? My looks, your brain. We’ve been through this.”

“Is that some sneaky, backhanded way of calling me ugly?” she teases.

“Baby, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, you know that. And I love you,” he places a soft kiss to her lips. “So much.”

“I love you too. And did you see Addie? Her smile? Her REAL smile? She smiles exactly like you.  Her eyes crinkle and everything. So there. She DID get something from you, after all. Are you okay?” She reaches up and lays a hand on the side of her face, running her thumb over his lips. “With what happened? You’re alright?”

“I’m okay. I just missed you guys. It’s been harder than I thought it would.”

“It’s been six months. You had a whole different life for half a year. I’d be worried if going back to this WASN’T hard.”

“It’s not just that. It’s...I don’t know….” Tyler shrugs. “I can’t talk about it right now. Not with the kids around.”

“Is it about what you did?”

He nods. “About what I did. How I felt about it. How I DIDN’T feel. We’ll talk later. I can’t stay long; just in case someone is keeping an eye on me. You guys will be safer at the house than you will be standing out here talking to me.”

“Thank you. For making the effort to get here.  The kids needed that; to see you. I needed that. I really needed to see you. I needed to make sure you were okay.”

“I needed to see you, too. I was worried I’d never get the chance again. And I wish I could stay longer. Or go to the house with you guys. I’d give anything to be able to do that. Anything.”

She gives a small, understanding smile. “I know you would.”

“I gotta go.” He holds Addie out in front of him, kissing her forehead. “I love you, little peanut. Stop growing up so fast. You might be the last one.”

“We’ll talk about that later too,” Esme says, and he leans down to press a kiss to her temple before placing Addie in her arms. “I love you. We’ll see you in a few days, right?”

“Yep.” He attempts a reassuring smile, then kisses her; long and soft and sweet. “I love you. Call me when the kids are asleep. We’ll talk about stuff.”

“Okay,” she agrees, squeezing him tightly and burying her face in her chest once more when he gives her one last hug. Holding onto him longer and tighter than before.  Unable to control the tears that trickle down her face.

****

“You should see this place,” Esme says four hours later, after all the kids have finally settled in their rooms  and have managed to fall asleep. “Remember when we stayed at Mahajan’s? What that place was like? Well this Mahajan’s on steroids. I am serious. Ten bedrooms. TEN! And eleven bathrooms! Who cleans all those bathrooms? We have three and we can’t keep up half the time. And the master ensuite is bigger than our entire bedroom. And our room at home is what I consider huge.”

He can’t hold but smile at the youthful exuberance in her voice. He knows she’s exhausted; physically and emotionally. Not just from a twelve hour flight with five kids, but with everything that’s gone down within the past month and a half.  But he can hear the difference; being in Mumbai and closer to him has lifted some of the stress and worry, replacing it with relief and at least some peace of mind.

“And you should the shit this guy has,” she continues. “I’ve never seen anything like it. An underground garage full of insanely expensive exotic cars. A home theatre, indoor and outdoor pools and jacuzzis, his own tennis and basketball courts. Who needs all this stuff? I thought we had a lot of stuff. This? This is our stuff times a thousand.”

“We have a lot of stuff...normal stuff...because we have five kids. He has a lot of stuff because he doesn't have anyone or anything else to spend his money on.”

“”I mean, we have money too. We’re not exactly poor. Not anymore, anyway.”

“We don’t have  his kind of money, babe. What we have in the bank is like a month’s salary to him.”

“We also don’t buy stuff just to buy and have stuff. This is just insane to me. And the animals. It’s not one or two, Tyler. It’s its own goddamn zoo. He’s got tigers and monkeys and peacocks and a sloth. And snakes. So many snakes. Don’t even get me started in the snakes. All I have to say is thank god they’re far enough away from the house and securely contained. Because you know my fear of snakes.”

“I don’t know where this fear comes from. We’ve only had one snake in the house so far”

“In  my shoe!” She reminds him. “Which I tried to stick my foot into, thank you very much.”

“What was one of the first things I told you when we first moved back to Australia? Especially where we moved TO. Check your shoes before you put them on. If you listened to me more often…”

“What if it bit me?”

“You would have lived because it wasn’t poisonous. And it was a baby. The way you fucking screamed, you would have though it was an anaconda trying to eat one or two of the kids.”

“I don’t like snakes. I told this when we first lived there. That I’m scared of them but I loved you enough to live somewhere where there’s tons of them. And you promised you’d be the one to handle them.  And the spiders.”

“Which I have. And the dingoes. Have I let a dingo get you?”

“You’re probably waiting for the opportunity to feed me to one.”

“Baby, if I wanted to get rid of you, there’s about a hundred different ways I could do it. And feeding you to a dingo is NOT one of them. And I don’t want to get rid of you, so…”  He stretches his legs out in front of him, resting his bare feet on the top railing of the balcony. “...you’re safe.”

“What I don’t understand is our children’s fascination and love of snakes and spiders. If you didn’t encourage them to pick the damn things up and let them crawl all over them…”

“They’re not dangerous. They can’t hurt the kids. Let’s not raise pussies, okay? They have to learn about stuff, yeah? Let them learn. As long as they’re not in danger, what’s the worst that could happen? What are they going to do? Want a Huntsman as a pet?”

“I will refuse to step foot in the house again,” she declares. “I will move out. I will live with Ovi in the guest house. If you EVER let the kids do anything like that, I swear…”

“I’d miss you too much. I know what lines I can’t cross.”

“Speaking of lines you shouldn’t cross. Who’s the girl you were with tonight?”

“Are you serious right now?”

“What? You thought I wouldn’t notice you left with her?”

Tyler grins. “Esme, are you jealous?”

“Do I have a reason to be?”

“I kind of like this. You getting all jealous. You getting all worked up. It’s kinda hot, actually. And no, you don’t have a reason to be jealous. She’s young enough to be my kid.”

“Maybe she likes older men.”

“Good for her. But I like you, so…”

“So who is she?”

“Riya. She works for Nik. She’s from Dubai. Apparently her folks are loaded and basically disowned her for going to school in the States and picking the job she did. Sound familiar?”

“That DOES seem a little too close to home for my liking.”

“She actually wants to talk to you.”

“Oh how cute,” Esme scoffs. “She wants my permission before she bangs my husband. Well at least this is asking before she tries.”

“Only person I want to bang is you. And she wants to talk to you about Ovi.”

“Ovi? What about him?”

“You’re the one who can’t stay out of other peoples’ business, right? You like meddling in relationships.”

“Pardon me? It’s advising. Not meddling. Advising.”

“She wants you to hook her up.”

“With Ovi?”

“Are you following along at all or have I been talking to myself?”

“I mean, it’s Ovi. He’s like my kid. No. Scratch that. He IS my kid. I can’t set him up./”

“Why not?”

“Do you want me setting Millie up? Or TJ? Or Tanner?”

“First off, Millie is six. The boys are five. It’s not the same thing. Just do it. Put in a good word for her.”

“So now you’re encouraging me to meddle? That’s a first for you.”

“I’m encouraging you to help a poor, desperate girl out. And Ovi too. He’s been acting like a little bitch since Chloe took off and I can’t can’t take much more. So do me a solid and save what’s left of my sanity and help Ovi get laid.”

“Okay, wow. THAT’S a little disturbing. Isn’t that supposed to be your thing? Anything sex related? You’re a guy. You find him a piece of ass. Call one of your hoes from your old  little black book.”

“Actually, I didn’t have anyone in India,” Tyler admits.

“You poor baby,” she scoffs. “My heart bleeds for you. And find. I will put in a good word for this girl. But if you want him to get laid, you figure out how to make it happen. And don’t sample the goods, either.”

“Only goods I want to sample are yours. So why don’t you come over here and let me.”

“You’re hurting, aren’t you,” Esme laughs.

“A little. It’s been forever.”

“It’s been two days, Tyler.”

“Feels like it’s been forever. What are you wearing?”

“Are you serious right now? You want to have phone sex?”

“You can’t come here and I can’t go there, so…”

“I’m wearing a lovely combination of premenstrual syndrome, baby puke, and dog hair.”

“Now THAT’S sexy. PMS, huh? So things are going back to normal that way.”

“It was going to happen eventually,” Esme sighs. “After the next one, they can take everything out. I’m done. I won’t need any of it  anymore. They can have it. If I never have a period again, that’s fine by me, I’d say it’s good for you too because you won’t have to put up with my extreme bitchiness once a month, but you have two daughter who will go through this one day.”

He frowns “Can Addie at least get to her first birthday before we talk about this shit?”

“It’s going to happen, Tyler. I mean it could happen to Millie in a few years. I was ten.”

“Esme, for fuck sakes. I don’t…”

“Sorry, honey. I hate to break your heart like this. But one day it’s going to happen. And one day she’s even going to want to have sex and need to go on birth control and…”

“Do you want a divorce? Because bringing this shit up is how you get a divorce.”

“I love you,  Tyler James. You’re my favorite human And I love how you can impale someone with a garden rake but you can’t handle the thought of your daughter maturing. You’re so fucking cute. You’re so cute, I’d have phone sex with you right now if my cramps weren’t so bad. I am telling you, after the next one? My body is done. That’s it. Take it all out. It’s not needed anymore.”

“Next one? I thought we weren’t going to talk about that until I got home.”

“I made the decision. Without you.”

He smirks. “Oh, so you mean like you usually do about everything.”

“Pretty much. If you really want another one…”

“You gotta want it too. Not just me. I don’t want you doing it just because I want it.”

“I do want to. One more. An even number.  And if something happens like it did with the one that should have been between the twins and Declan…”

Tyler sighs. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“We stop if something goes wrong. Because once was bad enough. Well twice, if I count the one with Mark.  I can’t keep having my heart broken like that. And if we can’t successfully carry another one, we just stop. Okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees. “And it wasn’t fun for me, either. Going through that. It was my baby too.”

“I know. But you were amazing and so good with me and it made me love you even more. I’m worried about you, Tyler. There was something in your eyes tonight. When you talked about what you did today. I can’t put my finger on it. I just know what I saw and that I’ve never seen it before. It wasn’t old Tyler OR new Tyler. I don’t know who it was.”

“Before I tell you what’s going on, I need to tell you what  I did. And I know you hate hearing the gory details. But I need to tell you.”

“Okay…” There’s a slight rustle of the phone as she shifts positions in bed. “...I’m not going to sleep for a couple days after this, am I.” While she accepts and supports what he does, she draws the line at hearing the details. She’d seen enough in Dhaka, and once that was over, so was her desire to ever see -or think about- another drop of blood again. “Did you shoot them?”

“No. I didn’t shoot them. I was more...hands on.”

“Like your bare hands, or…?”

“Sort of. I kinda slit a guy’s throat and gutted another one. Literally.”

“Okay…”

“And I liked it. I liked doing it. And I’ve never liked doing it before. I killed because I had to. Because I had to keep myself alive. Now I’m doing it because I WANT to. Because I enjoy it. That’s fucked, yeah? Tell me that’s fucked. That I’M fucked.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s fucked. And I definitely won’t say you’re fucked. And I can’t say I’m totally shocked. Or shocked at all, to be honest.”

“Maybe we’re both fucked,” he says. “And not in the good, fun way either.”

“Well before you question our levels of depravity and insanity, let’s look at this for what it is. This isn’t a normal job. This isn’t what you’re used to. You’re used to not having any emotional ties to what you do. You go in, you do what you have to do, you get out. That’s it. You don’t know these people, you don’t know the people they’re hurting, none of that. You’re not connected to any of them, right?”

“Right.”

“Well this time you DO have a connection. A very personal one. These people threatened your family. And I don’t know exactly what the threats are, but they must be pretty bad if you won’t tell me.  I mean, people are saying horrible, twisted things about people you love. About me and your kids. It doesn’t get more fucked up than that; threatening children. Addie’s one of them and she’s just a baby. What kind of fucked person says shit like that about a baby?”

“Evil people,” Tyler concludes. “Really fucking evil.”

“And you’re pissed. To your very core. I see if in your eyes, Tyler. I hear it in your voice. How angry you actually are. How disgusted you are. And you have every right to feel those things. This is as personal as it gets. And you wonder why you enjoyed it? I’d enjoy it too if someone threatened you and I got to kill them. I’d enjoy every fucking second.”

“It just makes me feel like such a dick,” he admits. “Like I’m a horrible fucking person. I made the one guy look at me. Made him watch me while I slit his throat. And he recognized me. He knew who I was. And I liked that he did. That my face was the last thing he saw.”

“And that doesn’t make you a bad person,” Esme says. “A bad person wouldn’t  be worried that it makes him a bad person. You’re a good person, Tyler. I know you struggle to see that. But I see it. And I know it. I know who you are away from all of this. I know how loving you are. How gentle you are. What you did today...what you felt or didn’t feel...that doesn’t erase who you are or what you’re like away from all of this.”

He blinks back tears “This is fucked. This all so fucked.”

“You’re doing what you have to do. You’re stopping them before they can do the same thing to us. Or worse.”

“Definitely worse. Much, much worse.”

“Do you want to tell me what the threats were or…”

“No. You don’t need to hear that. You don’t need that shit in your head. It’s bad enough it’s in mine. That it’s  probably never going to leave.”

“We’ll work on that,” Esme promises. “Your brain. When we get home. We’ll work on it TOGETHER. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Tyler. So much. And I wish I could be right there with you. I know this isn’t easy for you. That you’re struggling with so many things. But I love you and I’m so proud of you.”

He swallows around the lump of emotion sitting in this throat and using a forearm to wipe the tears from his face. “I love you. And this sucks. Being away from you. You’re so close but it’s like you’re so fucking far.”

“If you need me there, I can find a way. And I will. You know me. I’m pretty sneaky and tenacious on a good day.”

He gives a small chuckle. “Yeah, you are.”

“And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So if you need me there….”

“I’m okay. For now anyway. Stay with the kids. They need you.”

“So do you. Even if you won’t admit it.”

“I do. Need you. But they need you more.”

“Promise me you’ll call if it gets worse. If you change your mind. Because I’ll figure it out. How to get to you and stay with you. Promise me.”

“I promise. I’ll call you if I need you.”

“Get some sleep, okay? It’s been a long day. Call  me in the morning. Just so I know how you’re doing.”

“I will.”

“And thank you. For showing up tonight. Seeing you did a world of good for the kids. Especially Tanner. He’s finally smiling again. And he has such a beautiful smile. YOUR smile. And it did me a world of good too. To see you. I miss you, And your arms. It was really nice to be in those arms again,”

“It felt good to have you in them. Hopefully in a few days…”

“It’ll happen. I know it will. You’re doing fine. Just keep doing what you have to do. That’s it. We’ll talk in the morning, okay? I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Get some sleep,” she gently orders, and then disconnects the call.

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

Oh, so Jolly

For @chrisifornia for the  Karamel Christmas fic challenge. Big thanks for meine liebe @zrnas who beta-ed it.

Merry/happy Chrismtas/holidays, assholes! <3 

(You can also find it on AO3 -> xxx)

*

Kara Danvers Sometimes Zor-El was a simple girl with simple needs, which is why she was going to kiss (and maybe, probably, most definitely do much more to) that jackass Daxamite at the Christmas party, even if it meant traumatizing all the guests for the rest of their lives.

Kara Danvers Sometimes Zor-El neatened her super sexy, clinging to her like a second skin, red dress, while standing in front of the door to her loft.

She took a glance at the big-ass mistletoe hanging just above her and nodded, satisfied. 

It was impossible to enter her loft and miss it. If someone walked under it, he - yes, he, because she had a specific guy in mind while hanging the mistletoe - had to kiss the person who opened the door. And that person was going to be Kara.

And the “he” was a piece of a well-shaped Daxamite ass that came back from the future two weeks ago, with Winn on his heels.

Yes, two whole, long frustrating weeks passed and he didn’t do a thing. He just informed them Brainiac was defeated, kicked Brainy back to the future to “talk to his fucking race and fix their problems, because no one else has enough patience to do it�� and happily said that he was no longer a married guy. 

He got his bartender job back, started to help DEO and Supergirl as Valor, and everything was just like it was before.

Well, not everything.

As much as Kara was thrilled to see him happy, beardless, handsome and friendly, it was not enough for her.

Why? Because it was years, rao-damned YEARS, since she last had sex or any intimate activity with something other than her fingers or her vivid fantasies, and she was missing intimacy with a real lover as crazy. 

The worst thing was, her sexual frustration was visible and known to all, because even Brainiac noticed and asked if he should have made her an nth metal vibrator or some sex robot, to “improve her mental state and increase her general hero effectiveness that had dropped for 9,45345% since her celibacy started”. 

He said this in the middle of DEO, in front of 10 agents, Alex and J’onn. Yep, Alex was not going to forget that and will probably mention it at every family/friends gathering for the next 60 years.

But yes, Kara the prudish American slash Kryptonian girl liked sex and enjoyed it greatly.

And we all knew who was responsible for awakening her sex-loving side.

Too bad she sent his ass to the future. And then he came back. With a wife. And then left again. With his beautiful, nice, kind, amazing wife.

But hey! Her prayers were heard for once, and the only one who could make her satisfied returned (without a wife) and… acted like a friend.

A friend.

Maybe he thought she needed time? If that was the reason, he was an idiot because she has had enough time. A few fucking years… wait, there was no “fucking” there, ha, ha, ha… 

Ugh. 

Maybe he was the one who needed time? Possibly, but two weeks should have been enough for a Daxamite, right?

So, Kara created a deliciously simple plan to lure him into her lair by asking for help with preparing her Christmas party and cooking some food. 

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 0:1

She was going to suggest the hot stuff in a super civilized way, perfect for politepeople like her, by simply grabbing his shirt, throwing him at the door and kissing him senselessly. And then throwing him at her bed and having some fun before the whole (non-important) party. 

Kara checked her watch (her dress made a cracking noise, like it was ready to tear in some strategic places) and frowned a little. He was 7 minutes and 45 seconds late.

Suddenly, her balcony window was opened with a bang.

“Sorry for being late but Winn had called just before I left and asked me to bring his board for the charades.”

Kara slowly turned and looked with wide eyes at the Daxamite who was putting the incredibly big board down. He had also a backpack and three bags full of food, ruffled hair, a one day shade, and was wearing a leather jacket.

Basically, he looked like a snack.

A snack that was not going to be consumed by her, because her freaking nerdy, so called best, friend hijacked her masterfully laid plan. 

She was going to murder Winn Schott.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 1:1

“Something wrong?” Mon-El asked with raised brows, taking the ingredients from the bags and putting them on her kitchen table.

“No.” She cursed in her head when he took a glance at the traitorous place between her brows, but thankfully it was covered by her bangs. “I’m just happy you are finally here.” Kara smiled genuinely.

Mon-El smiled back and, yes!, he finally really looked at her. Screw the mistletoe, there were other ways to make the guy lose his mind and kiss the girl!

“You like it?” she twirled, showing of her dress, that as you already know, clung to her like a second skin, showing off her goddess-like Kryptonian body.

“This dress is a killer,” he admitted without a second of hesitation and Kara started to smile wider. 

Ha! No way he was going to resist her now! No way-

“But are you sure it’s a good idea to wear it while cooking?” he asked and her smile, that supposed to be sultry, froze. “You may get dirty,” he said matter-of-factly and checked something on his phone.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 2:1.

Damn. He had a point. Knowing her cooking antitalent (but hey, did he just suggest she was a klutz...?) and the fact her squeezed breasts were going to escape her dress if she bent (hmm, maybe it was not a bad idea to bend in front of him...?), she should have changed it.

On the other hand, no Daxamite, no matter how handsome and lovely, was going to tell her what to do.

“I think I’ll manage.” She smiled and threw him an apron.

Five minutes later, somehow, just before Kara bent in front of him, she’d managed to shower herself with a pound of flour. 

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 3:1.

She had a super quick shower and exchanged her sexy dress for a little less sexy dress that was not so tight.

Kara, trying to do something with her wet hair to not look like a drowned rat, and washing away her ruined make-up, told herself that now everything was going to be fine.

It was not.

Unfortunately, Mon-El looked like her Mon-El again (not like that bearded version that was very hot but, well, belonged to, ughhhhh, Imra) and behaved like her Mon-El.

That meant that he focused on cooking like it was the most important thing in the entire universe. And even a Kryptonian almost clinging to his back, breathing sensually down his neck and hovering over his shoulder didn’t change that.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 4:1

“Can you get me some cinnamon, please?” he asked while peeling some apples.

“Sure,” Kara sighed and opened a cupboard, when another plan appeared in her brain.

“Oh, no! I totally forgot I ran out of it,” she shut the door to the cupboard where an unopened package of cinnamon was innocently lying. “Can you fly to the shop and buy it? I’ll finish peeling the apples.” She smiled sweetly, and when she smiled like that, he just had to do what she asked.

When he flew away, she superspeeded peeling the apples, not caring that she peeled more flesh than skin, and rehung the mistletoe near her balcony doors.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 4:2

And then waited. 

And waited.

And waited.

15 minutes later she was sighing angrily and cursing the Christmas queues in the shops.

30 minutes later she started to create unpleasant theories in her reporter head. 

Like, he was checking his phone a lot and writing messages. And… right after their heroing jobs he would quickly return home. She was getting a nasty feeling that maybe…  he had someone? And flew to check on that person? 

Naaaah, it was impossible to find someone in two weeks, right?

Even when he was dashing, sweet, cheerful, charming and had an amazing ass.

Right...?

42 minutes later she was sure he had someone and just didn’t tell her to avoid hurting her feelings, and that was why he was avoiding her and-

The front door opened and Mon-El entered her loft again.

“Sorry, I met your neighbour, old Miss Kowalski in the shop, and helped her carry 5 bags full of cat food. Five bags, can you imagine? And we had a talk about cats and... ” he finally stopped babbling and looked at Kara who was still standing near the balcony door with an… unusual but very interesting look on her face he could not really read. 

“Uhm, is something wrong?” Mon-El asked slowly.

Kara, who was in the middle of internal existential crisis and on the verge of bursting into a hysterical laugh, made a face.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 5:2.

“No, just you know… cats,” she said flatly. 

She was going to make hot dogs from the damned mouse eaters. 

Mon-El who was currently frowning at the massacred apples and was ready to put cinnamon into them froze hearing her tone.

“You don’t like cats?” he asked slowly and took a glance at her. And then blinked, because wasn’t the mistletoe hanging in a different place before...?

“I absolutely adore them,” Kara smiled like a predator. “What’s next on the cooking list? Pudding? Awe and some.”

Humming, she approached the kitchen table and started preparing ingredients, totally missing the weird glances Mon-El was giving her.

Together, while preparing food, they managed to fall into an easy conversation about their friends, their jobs, heroing, Gameof Thrones and other not important things, they talked about everything but them. And it was okay for Kara, because thanks to that she managed to stay clean and didn’t cause any cooking disasters.

While pre paring the last snack, walnut macarons with salted caramel, they worked hand to hand, brushing their shoulders from time to time, smiling, feeling easy and incredibly happy, like during the old times when they started their relationship and everything was super easy.

And then she tasted the caramel cream, and of course she smeared some of it on her cheek.

Like it was the most natural thing to do, he simply brushed it and licked it off from his thumb.

Just like that her heart almost jumped out of her chest. 

Finally!

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 5:3!

She bit her lip, closed her eyes and leaned into him…

But he didn’t notice.  

His phone had vibrated a second before. He turned around and immediately checked the message.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 6:3.

Kara kissed the place between his shoulder blades.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 7:3.

“Oops, sorry, I lost my balance,” she giggled nervously.

“It’s ok,” he murmured absently, focused on his phone.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 8:3.

And then, because he decided she needed to finally learn when to take out the cookies from the oven, he ordered her to guard the macarons.

Kara didn’t complain, because they were both crouching in front of the oven, their limbs touching again and he was describing in his amazing, deep, warm, smooth baritone how the perfectly baked macarons, that could make anyone’s mouth water, looked like. 

She was just glancing at his profile and fantasizing that it was her, not the damned, stupid cookies, could make his mouth water.

“Uhm, Kara? Were you listening? Now you can take them out, exactly 7 minutes have passed.”

She was harshly brought back from a Daxamite La La Land by his voice.

“Hm? Oh, sorry, I was just-” fantasizing about us “-thinking about how easy it is to miss the perfect moment.” She took the batch out and holy crap, as much as she hated them for making Mon-El ignore her, they smelled deliciously.

“Don’t worry, you can practise on the three last batches,” he smiled, put the second one into the oven... and just in case set an alarm.

And that was how she ended up guarding the cookies while he was opening the door for her guests.

He’s been opening the door. 

While the goddamned mistletoe was hanging near the balcony.

Kara watched him like a hawk, another master plan forming in her head. All she needed was a chance.

She was so focused on him that she over baked the second batch a little. Somehow, she didn't notice the alarm was ringing. Mon-El was not amused.

But screw the macarons, so far he opened the door for Alex and Kelly, her moms, Nia, James and J’onn.

Kara screamed inside of her head, because that meant only Winn was left - her last and final chance.

(Yes, only Winn. That Luthor bitch that was probably crying her crocodile tears in her mansion and drowning her Luthor’s pain in whiskey, was not invited.)

But finally, the universe, God, Rao or Santa Claus had some mercy on her and Mon-El went to the bathroom.

Kara, totally ignoring the smug faces of her friends and family, hastily re-hang the mistletoe and came back to guard the cookies, just before Mon-El left the bathroom.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 9:4

Thankfully, he didn’t notice the smug faces and conspiratorial whispers, because once again he was focused on his phone.

And then, finally someone knocked on the door and Mon-El approached it.

Time slowed down. The tension filled the room when everyone stopped talking and looked at his back. Kara slowly raised herself, ready to casually approach the door too and traumatise Winn and her whole family for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately, it was really not her day.

Just before Mon-El had opened the door, the alarm rang.

 “Kara the cookies!” he yelled and opened the door. “Hey, Winn,” he greeted his friend.

Meanwhile, Kara was taking out the goddamned macarons using her superspeed, so some of them fell on the floor. When she turned around she saw something she would much rather not.

Mon-El was looking confusedly at the mistletoe above his and Winn’s heads.

“I swear it wasn’t hanging here...” he said with furrowed brows.

“Aww, you could’ve just said you wanted to kiss me, pal,” Winn laughed and patted Mon-El’s shoulder.

“Oh well, we better not piss off the Christmas god, huh?” the Daxamite said and kissed Winn.

On the lips.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 10 to -100.

Kara dropped the batch to the floor, the cookies spread all over the floor.

 Mon-El unglued, UNGLUED!, from Winn (who didn’t look slightly ashamed).

“Noo! Our cookies!”

Kara almost heard the facepalms that all of her guests were giving themselves inside of their heads.

But she didn’t really care because Mon-El. Kissed. Winn. Not. Her.

While the Daxamite was dusting off the cookies and apologizing to them for Kara’s horrible behavior, she approached her so called best friend, whose days were numbered - to one.

When the nerd saw her face he gulped loudly, because he knew his death was going to be painful.

Kara vs Winn: Game fucking over

*

Kara sighed and put the last batch into the oven. This time she hoped she was going to take them out in a perfect moment, because everything else on that evening was a freaking disaster.

If she had only known...

“Uhm, Kara?”

“Yeah?” she poured herself a glass of punch and looked at him.

Mon-El was biting his lip, looking nervous. And a little frustrated.

Her heart skipped a beat.

“Not sure how to ask, it’s sudden and you probably won't like it-” his voice faded into such a quiet whisper that even with her superhearing, she couldn’t hear anything.

“Hey just say it,” she smiled encouragingly. “It can’t be that bad as long as it’s not baking another batch.”

“Can I bring someone to the party?”

Kara choked on her punch and spit some of it on her dress.

“What?” she managed to squeak, between coughs.

“Grife, are you ok?” Mon-El grabbed paper towels and handled them to her.

“Perfectly fine, I just choked on an orange,” she lied, blessing her bangs again. ”So, you want to bring someone?”

“Uhm, I’m sorry, I know it’s a friends and family party but I really don’t like her staying alone  at home for so long and-”

Kara stopped listening. And maybe her heart stopped beating too.

I don’t like her staying alone at home.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: GAME OVER

“Yeah, sure,” she interrupted his blabbering, because she really didn't want to listen to it. “Bring whoever you want, if... that makes you happy.” She said with furrowed brows, pretending to clean the stains from her dress.

Mon-El’s eyes lit up and he kissed her cheek.

But it didn’t matter anymore.

“I’ll be back shortly,” he said happily and flew away.

Kara focused on her dress, straightening out the creases, fighting the tears back.

“Oh, honey,” her mothers sighed at the same time.

“I’ll just-” she left them, grabbed the first clean dress from her closet and locked herself in the bathroom.

She changed the dress, cleaned her face, fixed her hair and didn’t think.

When she came back, she didn’t give a shit they were all throwing her sad glances. She just crouched in front of the oven and waited.

And she still didn’t allow herself to think about… stuff. She was so focused on it that she missed the perfect time. She didn’t hear the alarm. She just woke up from her state, when J’onn approached her and took out the cookies.

They were burnt.

Kara wanted to cry.

But then she heard a knock on the door, so she swallowed her tears and put a mask on her face - something she was so good at it.

Bracing herself, she opened the door that revealed -

A smiling Mon-El of Daxam who was holding a pussy.

Kara blinked.

Mon-El blinked.

The pussy didn’t blink.

“Are you crying?” The smile faded from his face in a second when he noticed her slightly red eyes.

“That’s a pussy,” Kara said and blinked again.

“What?!” she heard all of her guests gasping loudly (minus J’onn’ who was sighing tiredly). They all hastily approached the door and looked over her shoulders.

“I’m pretty sure it’s called a cat,” Mon-El said slowly, looking confusedly at the crowd of people that were looking at the creature in his arms with their mouths wide open.

The cat was incredibly ugly. 

She was a big tabby, with long, ruffled fur, jaggy ears, a tail thick like a bottlebrush, some  broken whiskers, scars on her nose, a bandaged paw and a missing eye. She looked like a barbarian cat fighter who could eat a German shepherd for dinner.

“Sorry it took me so long, she hates flying so I needed to walk,” Mon-El looked at the cat lovingly and scratched its ear. 

And Kara started laughing. A little hysterically.

But when she looked at Mon-El and the cat who were watching her like she was a little crazy, she coughed awkwardly and invited them in.

A cat. A freaking cat. She was jealous of the ugliest cat in the world. Dear Rao!

“I’m sorry, I know you don’t like cats,” Mon-El entered the room, took a glimpse at the mistletoe, pecked Kara on the lips and continued talking. “But she hates staying alone and my landlady who was taking care of her was leaving for her own Christmas party and… Are you ok?”

Because Kara was standing, frozen in her tracks, red faced, absolutely speechless, with her jaw hanging, looking like a fish.

“What? Was I not supposed to kiss you? Did I confuse the customs again or-”

“No, no, it’s ok,” Winn clapped his shoulder and saved Kara from embarrassing herself more. ”She’s just jealous our kiss was better and she is going to lose in the Christmas kissing competition.”

“There is a competition?” Mon-El sat on the couch and started stroking the cat, who was staring at Kara with one big and very judging yellow eye. 

“No!” Kara finally got her voice back.

“There totally is,” Alex dragged Kelly under the mistletoe and kissed her hard. 

“And the winners get laid,” Nia giggled and pushed Winn to the kissing spot.

“Oh, and you can repeat the kiss,” Eliza said loudly, winked at her daughter and high fived Alura.

“What?! No!”

Nia and Winn were still kissing.

“Winn? Maybe we should kiss again,” Mon-El asked seriously, but there was mirth dancing in his eyes. “This time with some tongue action.”

OVER HER DEAD BODY!

“Dude, you are so right,” said Winn, who finally stopped kissing Nia, but was standing suspiciously close to her, and burst out laughing when he saw Kara’s face.

Two seconds later his and the Daxamite faces were hit by flying pillows.

That was the moment when Mon-El’s ugly cat decided to not like Kara.

She totally ignored the Kryptonian while Mon-El told how he found her one day in his apartment, casually sleeping on his bed, like it belonged to her. How she started to visit him every night, sometimes bringing dead rats (he read some article that it meant she thought he was her baby that could not take care of himself). Which basically meant she adopted him. 

One day she didn’t come, so he started to look for her and found her in an alley not far from his apartment with a wounded paw. He took her to the vet but she couldn’t walk for a few days and she absolutely hated staying alone in the apartment. So he tried to come back home early and asked his landlady to visit his pet and keep him informed by sending him messages.

When Kara tried to pat her, the cat hissed. The animal kept sitting with her back turned to the Kryptonian every time Kara was sitting near Mon-El. She didn’t take any snacks from Kara, while she ate some treats from Alura and Eliza. She even allowed J’onn to take her on his lap and sat there for awhile. But the only person who made her purr like a little tractor was Mon-El.

Kara felt jealous.

The Kryptonian felt that Mon-El’s adopted mother disapproved of her. As much as it was ridiculous, it stung a little.

But the cat finally fell asleep on the couch and the party got jolly, with a tipsy Alex singing Christmas carols and making Kelly die from laughter, Winn and Nia winning the Christmas kissing competition and the whole group having lots of fun playing charades.

When Mon-El ate the burnt macarons saying she made them and they tasted exceptional, Kara felt the day was not that bad.

And then, suspiciously smoothly, her guests left the party (Winn and Nia together) and she was left alone with Mon-El. 

“Thank you for inviting us,” he said while tucking the cat in his jacket and heading to the door. “I really missed it.”

“Me too,” she said sincerely, knowing exactly what he meant and suddenly feeling very shy.

She nervously tugged at the material of her dress.

“I really like this dress, it brings back some good memories,” he said quietly.

“Oh?” she looked at what she was wearing and gasped.

It was the flowery dress she was wearing on their first and only Thanksgiving. 

If that was not a sign from Rao to put her crap together, then she was not Supergirl.

“You didn’t respond to my flirting,” she blurted out and Mon-El blinked.

“You were… flirting?” he asked slowly, his last two active brain cells were trying hard to process the information. “When?”

“My killer dress? Me breathing suggestively down your neck? Me kissing your… ugh, back?”

Mon-El blinked. “Oh. OH. I didn’t notice,” he said sincerely and then sweated a little because Kara made a face. “That doesn’t mean you suck at flirting.”

“Suck, you say,” she said slowly.

“Maybe I should just shut up,” Mon-El laughed nervously.

“Well, we have never really flirted, things just... happened,” Kara rolled her eyes and noticed the goddamned mistletoe was still hanging just above them.

Maybe… they could… make things happen again?

“So…” Kara made a little cough. “You came back, for good?”

“For good,” he said quietly, looking at her with longing.

“You are not married anymore,” she looked into his eyes.

“No.”

“And nothing is stopping us.”

He smiled, remembering. “Nope. Nothing is stopping us.”

They stared into each others eyes, so intensely, like they were the only people in the entire universe. And then in a blink of an eye they leant to kiss…

And well, maybe nothing was stopping them, but the cat was not nothing.

“MEOW!”

The animal made an angry hiss when they almost crashed her between them.

“Oops, sorry.” Mon-El gently put her on the floor. “Where were w-”

He didn’t manage to finish when Kara grabbed his shirt and unceremoniously threw him at the door.

But he didn’t complain, because his lips were occupied by hers, while she was kissing him senseless. 

And then, like years ago, they moved and landed on the couch, only with Mon-El on the bottom this time.

“MEOW!”

They stopped kissing and slowly turned their heads.

The cat was standing near the couch, swinging her tail and watching them angrily.

“Erm, why is she pissed off?” Kara murmured.

“Why should I know?” Mon-El whispered back.

“It’s your cat!”

“Only for like 10 days! I don’t-”

He was interrupted by the sound of a flushing water and J’onn J’onzz leaving the toilet.

Kara and Mon-El froze. 

Kara with one of her hands in his pants. 

Mon-El with his left hand on her ass. 

And his right hand under her shirt on her breast. 

“She is angry because she thinks the couch belongs to her now and you occupied it,” Space Dad said matter-of-factly and put his hat on his head. “Have fun kids,” he said and left the loft.

Kara and Mon-El looked at each other. 

“That was awkward,” he said slowly.

“Super awkward,” she agreed.

“A real mood killer.”

“Yep.”

They kept staring at each other. Kara bit the inside of her cheek. Mon-El coughed a little.

“On the other hand, it can’t get more awkward, right? So maybe, we should just continue?” He said hopefully.

“Absolutely,” Kara agreed without a second of hesitation and leant to kiss his neck but:

“MEOW!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Kara banged her forehead on his chest.

“Cat? Really?” Mon-El sighed heavily.

Kara raised her head and looked at him with squeezed, judging eyes.

“You call your cat a cat?”

“Yes? She’s a cat.”

“And her name is?”

“Uhm… Cat,” he said sheepishly.

“You named your cat Cat? That’s so wrong on so many levels, Mon.”

“Do we really need to have this conversation right now? While you still have your hand in my pants?” he asked a little annoyed.

“Well,” she moved that hand a little and smiled like a cheshire cat when he whimpered. “It seems you are still in the mood.”

Mon-El rolled his eyes. “Yes, so can we please move to the bedroo- EEK!”

He shrieked when she grabbed his shirt (yes, with the other hand still in his pants) and flew them to her bedroom.

Mon-El vs Kara: END GAME

The cat whose name was Cat rolled her one eye and jumped to the couch. 

She was cleaning her fur for a long time, while ignoring very weird noises that were coming from the other room. And then fell asleep on her couch. 

But in the middle of the night, she woke up and decided to change the location and find her dumb baby humanoid she was taking care of. 

She entered the bedroom and hopped onto the bed, wanting to curl herself on her humanoid’s chest, but the chest was occupied.

The weird female, who had smelled like she wanted to eat Cat’s humanoid earlier in the day, was lying flat on his chest. She was naked, drooling on his shoulder, smiling dumbly and looking very ugly by Cat’s standards.

Cat didn’t judge, her male humanoid was not a beauty either, like every other furless creature. But dear Bastet, their offsprings were going to be extremely ugly. 

Oh well, she was going to bring them rats anyway.

Cat looked at the female and swung her tail gently. 

She didn’t like that Kara female in the beginning, but well, she had a nice couch and her humanoid mated with her. Also, did she just purr in her sleep like a cat?

It seemed she needed to adopt another humanoid.

The animal gently climbed Kara’s naked back and curled into a ball on her waist. Then yawned and fell asleep, lulled by Kara’s purring.

[taiblogcomics]

The Final Mission of the Suicide Squad

Hey there, excused princesses. Well... This is it. The culmination of eight years of reviewing. It's a new year, and it is also the very last issue of Suicide Squad.

From the resiliance of Yo-yo surviving inside King Shark, to the quotableness of the shark-man himself, to the terrible designs of Harley Quinn's outfits, to the road trip with Batman and Deadshot, to the oddly heroic spirituality of El Diablo, to the touchingly sweet relationship of Killer Croc and Enchantress, to Captain Boomerang who was also there... Boy, has it been a long and usually dumb ride. Not the road trip, though. The part where it was actually a ride was honestly pretty sweet. But yeah! This is our last issue. Will it go out with a bang, or more of a wet fart? Let's look and find out~

Here's the very last cover we'll ever see with these jerks on it:

The gang's all here! Honestly, a cool group shot is a great way to go out. I have no complaints, it's a cool cover. I just think there's a fun irony in "extra special anniversary issue" and it also being the last issue. Happy anniversary! For a gift, we got you cancellation!

So we open in the past with the Ghost Recon Squad, before they became zombie ghosts. Just in case you thought this was going to be a backstory to make them sympathetic, the whole thing is bathed in red lighting, and they're torturing Gulag of the Annihilation Brigade for information. Gulag spills the beans on the underwater base where the last issue took place. The Recon Boys head there to set up a trap of recording the Suicide Squad on camera and prove to the world they exist. Oh trust me, this is more of a trap for the viewers of said footage than the Squad itself, particularly Jared Leto's performance. Anyways, they open a secret vault and are transformed into the zombie ghosts.

Back in the present, the same power has infected Amanda Waller as well. She's less of a zombie ghost, though, and more of a Grey Hulk. And then her stomach opens up in a fiery maw, which is somehow both terrifying and ridiculous. She leans in and attempts to shove Rick Flag in her belly-mouth, which should give you some idea of how gigantic she is now. Fortunately for Rick, Harley suddenly appears and beats Waller in the face with her hammer, causing her to drop Rick. The pair regroup and swap an exposition dump about the Tunguska virus that's possessed Waller, then get the hell out of the room, just as Waller starts breathing fire.

The exposition doesn't stay confined to the one room, though. On the other hand, Cosmonut shows up to tank Waller's flame breath and make sure that stays confined. Seriously, it's a full page of plot details of more or less what we already know. At best, it at least gives me a specific issue number I can link to, which is at least nice for archive purposes. Otherwise, all this accomplishes is that Cosmonut gets killed while Harley yaks away. Alas, dear Cosmonut. He was exceedingly bizarre and out of place, and therefore was a fan favourite for me. Let us all raise a jar of Skippy in his honour~

Meanwhile, the Ghost Squad corners Captain Boomerang, who begs them to let him go and even offers to join them. Katana shows up and chops off the ghost's arms so Boomerang can get away. He's a ghost, though, so he just makes new arms out of fiery ectoplasm, and blasts Katana. Given that it's a magic cursed virus, this even hurts the souls in her magic sword. Ah, I love the sentences that comic books cause me to write sometimes. Deadshot also shows up and lays down some suppression fire so they can get away. The Ghost Squad opts not to give chase, figuring Waller will get them sooner or later. Finally, a lazy villain. That much I can relate to~

After a brief Stargate reference for no reason, they find a submarine. This also leads to a "Yellow Submarine" reference for no reason. I guess that's Boomerang's role now: Australian, coward, soiler of pants, thrower of boomerangs, spouter of pop culture references. Deadshot and Boomerang are all prepared to leave, but Katana insists that they have to stay to defeat the Tunguska virus-curse. Rick Flag and Harley join them, agreeing with Katana. This makes the vote 3-2, and they convince the others with simple logic: if Tunguska gets out, then everyone is doomed, including Deadshot's daughter. As for Boomerang, helping them is penance for killing Hack, and he sadly agrees to that. Deadshot also agrees, on the basis that his favourite film is The Wild Bunch. Well, whatever motivates you, I guess~

The underwater base breaks the surface, and the Ghost Squad prepares to go out and spread their virus among humanity. Whatever men they were are gone, though the one called Jones is still reluctant. Grier, however, is all gung-ho to be the apocalypse that dooms mankind. Once you're a zombie, might as well go all-in, I guess. It's at this point that Rick Flag finally actually learns that the zomblers here are made of his old squad, and he's horrified long enough to freeze and have them infect his arm. Deadshot pulls him back into cover, and tells him to snap out of it.

While those two are holding off the Ghost Patrol, the rest of the Squad is in the vault taking care of Tunguska's corpse. Katana's magic sword can parry the infection long enough for them to grab the body. And what is the purpose of the corpse? Well, remember the out-of-hand Stargate reference earlier? It's legitimately a Stargate, and they figure if they can get it open and chuck Tunguska inside, it'll cut the possession virus off at the source. Unfortunately, Monster Waller catches up with them and infects Harley with her flame breath, leaving the other two to drag the corpse.

Running out of both options and ammo, Rick Flag tries a new tactic. He gives up. He surrenders himself to the Ghost Squad and approaches them, where they gladly welcome him as a new infectee. After all, the Suicide Squad's supposed to be expendable, right? However, this turns out to be a ruse so he can get close enough to just deck them instead. And while that's going on, Katana and Boomerang manage to drag Tunguska's cadaver (the Tunguskadaver, if you will) to the dimensional door and force it open. Channeling her grief into her sword, Katana uses it as a beacon to lure the infection energy right to her.

Deadshot shows up, having abandoned Flag when Flag seemed like he was giving up. He helps Boomerang heft Tunguska into the Stargate. Of course, the powerful interdimensional vortex also catches Boomerang in its wake, and he's very nearly sucked into it himself. Deadshot, though, uses his particular talents of marksmanship to shoot the control console while still holding onto Boomerang, closing the gate and saving him. It's admittedly a cool, heroic moment, and it's nice that Deadshot gets one.

With Tunguska beyond the boundaries of this dimension, the infection dissipates. Waller and Harley return to normal, and even Killer Croc lumbers up, having avoided death in the previous issue. Harley gives a big thumbs up, since they've finally saved the world like Waller wanted. Waller, ever the grouch, chastises her, saying that being heroes once doesn't erase their past misdeeds. In fact, nothing will, and she tells them that no matter what they do, they're Suicide Squad for life--or death. No one leaves the Suicide Squad.

Except us! We, the readers, are leaving the Suicide Squad and moving on to better comics. And while a new Suicide Squad title is due to start up again next month, keep in mind how long this was on the back-burner for me. It’s actually been, like, a year since this issue originally came out. We’re only reviewing it now, but as an actual published work, Suicide Squad‘s been dead for a year or so. This very much is the final issue, as far as I’m concerned. Like, when the title briefly became New Suicide Squad, we knew that was happening, and it took over immediately enough to count as a continuous story. But for all intents and purposes, the Suicide Squad that I’ve been reviewing since 2011 is done, and I will not be checking out the new series. No thank you sir~

But as a final issue to all we’ve read before? This is honestly not that bad.It wraps up a story arc with a genuine world-saving hero moment, and dovetails a bunch of past arcs together. Surprisingly, for a book called Suicide Squad, they sure go out of the way to not have any of its members die in the last issue. Like, I’m very glad they didn’t kill off Killer Croc, I would have hated that. But it’s still very bizarre to have him suddenly turn up like “hey guys, I’m alive” when he hadn’t even been seen or mentioned in the preceding rest of the comic. It just seemed a little too “Saturday Morning” to me, if you know what I mean~

Don’t worry, though! This isn’t the end of Taiblog! I still have a good stack of ten or so Red Hood issues to get through before my backlog dries up completely. Even then, there’s still so much else I could do. I have other terrible New 52 comics we could review. Trust me, we’re not at a loss for terrible comics any time soon~

I’m just glad to have a finale that didn’t make me cry for once~

[sloumate]

Hello my friends! Here I am, once again, with a recap of the fics that warmed my heart during 2018. It was a bit of a weird year for me, not gonna lie, the first half was very good (I graduated from uni, so there was that, yay), but the second half was a bit meh :\ i lost myself in the absolute uncertainty of the future and anxiety has been eating away at my soul. Both the fandom and fics have always been a safe place for me, but towards the end of the year i started feeling slightly detached from everything so it was a bit of a slow one, even fic-wise.

Angst aside, good fics have always been and still are the best way to lure me right back in, and for that, I have to thank all the authors mentioned under the cut: you’re all legends and I genuinely hope you feel as loved as you made us feel with your words.

A big thank you also goes to a group of people that kept me updated on all fronts, shared with me some of these gems and definitely made my year much brighter: @imlt-archive​, @pinklucozade​ (who also made the banner above, so thank you very much bee ♥), @moonloueh​, @louistomlinsonsz​, @mattbelloumy​ & @nouies​ ✨

But let’s get to business: here are my favorite fics of the year. They’re listed in chronological order and the ones that are marked with a ♡ hold an extra special place in my heart. Hope you’ve read most of these during the year, but if you haven’t, well, here’s a treat for 2019:

{ 2016 / 2017 / more fics here }

As We Were, As We Are by jaerie / @jaerie / 51k / ♡

Alex is a British soldier who has been injured in battle, Louis is a RAF pilot with amnesia. Somehow they put each other back together even if they get separated along the way.

Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado / @avocadolouie​ / 150k

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was. / Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

Try to not remember (rather than forget) by hereforlou / @hereforlou / 59k

Harry hadn’t left, not really. He had been right there the entire time. And that’s what had made it worse, knowing that his body was within touching distance but his mind, everything that made Harry Harry, was lost somewhere Louis wasn’t able to reach. He hadn’t left, but that’s what it had felt like most of the time. Just as if one day Harry had up and left him. / Or, the one where Harry wakes up.

A Study in Love by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings​ / 24k / ♡

Louis knows everything about everyone which has put him at a great and weird advantage over nearly all of them since the very beginning. He can solve any puzzle before most people know where to begin. He is rarely perplexed, mistaken, or wrong, and obviously, Louis is never ever surprised. And yet, his new flatmate after a very long string of failed ones has Louis questioning how he ever did any of it without him. [part 2 / part 3]

Chased the High by crimsontheory / @ireallysawanangel / 12k

Working as a fireman is a tough job. Being in love with your best friend and fellow fireman is also a tough job. / Or the one where Louis and Harry are both fireman and Louis doesn't know how much longer he can go on harboring his feelings for Harry.

When We Find Love by angelichl / @angelichl /38k

The famous/not-famous AU in which Louis lives in a house by the lake and doesn't know Harry is famous.

Take my hand and make the stars collide by tolvsmol / @rosesau​ / 15k / ♡

It all started with a few too many shots and ended with Louis drunkenly betting Harry to marry him – apparently “You won’t” is enough incentive for both of them, because now they’re at a rundown motel with a 24 hour chapel, and they’re giggling and kissing in the pews as they wait their turn. Except Louis sort of lost his buzz an hour or so ago, but he’s too afraid to say anything. Where does ‘marrying your best friend under false pretenses’ fall in terms of moral ambiguity? (Louis almost calls it off right then and there, until Harry admits he’s also dead sober, but… why not go home with one hell of a story anyway?) / or the one where what happens in vegas doesn't always stay in vegas.

Make Your Words A Weapon by HelloAmHere / @helloamhere​ / 36k / ♡

Louis is a music critic, Harry is a rockstar, soulmates are destiny but no one ever said destiny was easy, music is everything.

Simply Irresistible by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 12k

Louis only comes to town to start up a successful restaurant, but finds he can't quite leave once the job is done. Though, that might have more to do with him falling for his quirky neighbor than anything else.

Smoke & Mirrors by sincewewereeighteen / 59k

"What are we drinking then?” He asks Harry, claiming his place sitting on the stool by his side. “Tequila.” Harry replies. “Is this a good idea?” “Neither is sleeping with you, probably, but I’m going to do it anyways, so…” He hands Louis a glass. “Bottoms up!” / Or: the one in which Harry hates Louis, but doesn't know him. And then... He does.

Gonna dream of how you (tasted) by hereforlou / @hereforlou / 21k

The one where Harry needs a handyman and it turns out they have a bit of a history.

Loving You, It's Explosive by missyoubabycakes / 12k

Harry is obsessed with organization and Louis makes way too many jokes. Somehow, they're made for each other. / or Louis can't properly work because he's so in love and Harry just wants him to admit that.

Don't Let the Tide Come and Take Me by kiwikero / @icanhazzalou / 28k

The aquarium in the lobby has been there as long as Louis can remember, and so has the merman inside. That is, until the day Louis loses his job and decides to set the creature free. They set off on a road trip to the sea, learning to communicate more and more each day. Their destination is LA, but the closer they get and the more Louis gets to know the merman, the more he dreads having to say goodbye. / Or, the one where Louis decides to set a merman free and ends up finding his own freedom along the way.

Into The Midnight Sun by summerwine / @smrwine​ / 63k / ♡

It's 1983, Harry embarks on his first world tour and Louis is a budding actor in LA. Life spent apart isn't easily adjustable, but somehow they make it work.

Sun Means The Sky'll Be Blue by PearlyDewdrops / @curlsandlashes​ / 91k / ♡  

As the only singleton under thirty attending his cousin's five-day wedding, Harry is desperate to find a date, or at least a reason to get people's questions about his love life off his back. So when Louis, Harry's old uni roommate and fellow wedding attendee waltzes back into his life, Harry seizes the opportunity, pretending Louis is his ex-boyfriend and that it's a sore subject not to be mentioned. If it's a little bit closer to the truth than Harry would like, well, he's a master at living in denial. So cue a mess of trudged-up feelings, past misunderstandings, a rekindled summer romance and a whole lot of sexually-charged bickering.

Keep this love in a photograph by suspendrs / @suspendrs​ / 48k / ♡

“I could never forget a damn thing about you, Harry Styles, not even if I wanted to,” Louis says. His hair falls into his face when he glances over at Harry, the moonlight reflecting off of it and making it glow golden, like maybe Louis himself is the sun. Harry thinks of how dark and cold his life got once Louis went away, how Harry got a taste of the sweetest sunshine imaginable and then was plunged into the longest winter of his life. He feels like he’s been buried under mounds of snow for months, years, and he’s finally made it to spring, finally getting another taste of how wonderful life can be. / Or, it’s 1919, and Harry’s been falling in love with his best friend for his entire life.

Wild Love by purpledaisy / 130k / ♡

Two best friends try to date each other for forty days. It's supposed to be fun until emotions make it complicated.

Ain't That A Kick In The Head! by lesbianharrie, wreckingtomlinson / 22k

In which Harry’s a disaster gay who doesn’t know shit about soccer, Liam drinks too many blue raspberry Coolattas, Niall knows everyone, Zayn looks dead, and Louis is Not Happy about sharing his breakout moment with “Drunk Hawaiian Guy.”

A Taste of Desire by casuallyhl / 104k

A Victorian ABO where Harry is the owner of the most successful cotton mill in Manchester, and Louis is an opinionated social activist about to disrupt Harry’s world.

Tissue-thin lies by HelloAmHere / @helloamhere​ / 5k

Louis has a cold but he's FINE.

This Melody Was Meant For You by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings​ / 32k

The Marie Henry Conservatory of Music has been around for ages, and not once has it ever admitted anybody besides the traditional, classical music student. Or at least they hadn’t until a few select outsiders are let in to mix things up and to give someone like Louis a chance.

Loyal Knight and True by rainbowninja167 / @rainbowninja​ / 51k / ♡

In contemporary Oxford, Harry Styles and Niall Horan run a magical bookshop, unbowed by an entire academic establishment that insists magic doesn't even exist. Sometimes, Harry finds, it's much easier to have faith in magic than in himself. Louis Tomlinson is a classically trained poet who needs something to believe in, and Liam Payne longs to be a part of something magical. But when the lines between reality and fiction - poetry and magic - start to blur, can they trust each other to keep track of what's true?

You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home by styleandsin / 43k / ♡

Louis needs a break from everything, from acting and the constant pressure of life in LA. He decides to move back home for a bit, some time with his family is exactly what can lift his spirits. What he doesn't expect is to fall in love. Both with the town he hated so much so that he couldn't wait to leave it years ago and with a curly haired florist that was the complete opposite of the guys he'd often meet in LA.

When the city shines (like the sun at night) by fondleeds / 37k / ♡

Love, Simon AU.

Oh, We're In Love, Aren't We? by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings​ / 30k / ♡

After sixteen wonderful years of friendship, it's hard to imagine any grand (and usually dumb) plans they haven't had or some type of mischief they haven't gotten into together. But, when Harry suddenly finds himself without a fiance and Louis just wants to help him feel okay again, they realize falling in love is one thing they haven't done, and that's about to change.

You came into my life by disgruntledkittenface / @disgruntledkittenface​ / 57k

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

The Second Hand Unwinds by FullOnLarrie / @fullonlarrie​ / 51k / ♡

Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep.

The Lonely Planet Guide to Second Chances by 1Diamondinthesun / 102k

When Harry and Louis broke up, the last thing on Harry's mind was the non-refundable surprise trip he had booked for them across Europe. Harry was supposed to be moving on, not sightseeing with his ex. In hindsight, touring the continent with Louis was probably a bad idea. So naturally, that's exactly what Harry did. / Or, the breakup travel fic featuring romantic sunsets, awkward bed sharing, and second chances against a backdrop of some of Europe's most iconic cities

Truth, justice, and the gay way by hattalove / @hattalove​ / 2k

Liam needs a costume. Louis needs a best best friend award, a holiday, and to get a grip. (Harry's just in the right place at the right time.)

I believe him when he tells of loving me by bitterlee / 28k / ♡

Louis doesn't remember Harry. Harry takes him home.

When the Sun Won't Let You Sleep by allwaswell16 / @allwaswell16​ / 30k

Four years ago, Louis Tomlinson left the UK to live on an Antarctic research station for reasons best left in the past. He’s carved out a life for himself on the ice and has dedicated himself to his research, his friends, and especially the Halley VI research station. He’s less than thrilled when he learns that Harry Styles, a glaciologist from another base who once broke his heart, will be coming to Halley, and he’s definitely unprepared for the upheaval Harry brings with him.

Take It To The Limit by taggiecb / 35k

Louis Tomlinson enjoys the simple life. He has his house, his family, and his friends all in the tiny town of Petty Harbour, Newfoundland. When he isn’t spending the winters plowing out the residents and keeping Liam and Niall company at Payne’s pub, he’s out on the open water doing the one thing that he loves the most, fishing. Harry Styles is a traveler. He lands in the tiny town to try to find himself. What he finds instead is a beautiful blue eyed man who seems to have everything figured out. But even a brick house can be damaged by a storm if it’s big enough. Can Louis’ perfect life and their relationship survive the tumult that’s coming?

What Our Souls Were Meant To Do by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings​ / 34k / ♡

All Harry’s father wants is for his son to marry as soon as possible and give their family another heir. All Harry wants to do is fall in love.

Where your lips land by BriaMaria / 12k / ♡

A love story told through Louis' tattoos. / or the Tyler Knott Gregson-inspired AU where Louis is a poet who lives in Montana and Harry is a photographer passing through.

Just call me inspiration by hereforlou / @hereforlou​ / 51k

The truth is Louis knows he’s going to hell, if there is such a thing, but it isn’t because he writes erotic fiction for a living. If anything, it’s because his muse, the reason he’s inspired to write about people shagging in increasingly creative ways everyday, is the sweetest, loveliest, most genuine (and completely oblivious) future children-book illustrator in the world. / Or, the one where Louis is a writer, Harry is an art student, and they inspire each other in very different ways.

Love Me Please by angelichl / @angelichl​ / 23k / ♡

Louis hates Harry, which is fine because he would really rather prefer to avoid him at all costs. The only problem? They're soulmates.

O' Christmas Tree by Justalittlelouislove / @justalittlelouislove / 15k / ♡

Louis has a busy schedule to keep and a daughter to raise. He definitely isn't looking for a relationship. Enter Harry Styles, a local Christmas tree farmer that seems just a little too good to be true.

For As Long As I Can Remember (It's Been December) by green_feelings / 128k / ♡

After recovering from a severe accident that causes Harry to lose his memory of three years, he moves to London to start his life over as a star chef. Little does he know that when he falls in love with Louis at first sight, it’s not the first time they meet. Featuring an unintentional game of hot and cold, Harry chasing memories that won’t come back, Louis burying himself in work to try and forget what he can’t forget, Liam being torn between two of his best friends, Zayn as a moral compass and Niall saving the day with good music and brutal honesty.

[thesestrangeimagines]

The Ghost of Hawkins: Part One

Steve Harrington x Reader

request

Can I get a fluffy yet angsty Steve x reader where the reader drops out of high school and becomes an EMT and completely adores the party and Hopper is like a dad to her and El calls her sister and she’s tough but so so kind and just wants to love Steve but after the gate closes she’s depressed and anxious about the party bc “don’t fucking touch my kids” and she and Steve bond over that and it’s been a silent slow burn and I need desperate breathless kisses and grabbing and smiling and KSJD

At first I was thinking, how am I going to write this, but now I have some great ideas and am SUPER EXITED ABOUT THIS! So I’m breaking it into parts bc ya girl has got a hella good (?) plot maybe, so sit back, relax, and enjoy!!!

Warning(s): mentions of death

————

Steve’s POV

Steve went months without seeing Y/N, that was until the closing of the gate. She was an enigma after she dropped out of school when her parents passed away. Rumor had it that she became an EMT, that she wanted to help prevent more orphans like her, but other rumors spread too. There was one that she had moved to Chicago because she had an aunt there and then she became a drug dealer. There was another that said she just ran, lost all connections and ran. People did see her though, she was an EMT, she just looked different. The weight of the loss changed her. She was a new girl, not the dainty one Steve had known her as, but a fierce and loyal woman who would do anything to protect those she cared about. When Steve saw her, he had been luring the demodogs to himself at the old junkyard. She already knew of everything that had gone wrong and wanted to make sure things weren’t going more wrong. Steve, and all the others, came to find out that Y/N wasn’t new to this Upside Down stuff, she already knew El and her skill set because of Hopper. After Y/N dropped out, she disappeared. Hopper found her with nothing but a drained bottle of alcohol and a death wish in a ditch somewhere, sobbing. He took her in and became her father figure. When Hopper brought in El, El started to refer to Y/N as her sister. After Mike went off to fight Hopper, El ran over to Y/N, saying “Y/N” and gave her a huge hug and everyone started to put prices together. After that she was there when Billy fucked up Steve’s face, because she also jumped in the fight, she had to protect her kids. Y/N treated his cuts and bruises, properly, not that the kids wouldn’t have tried their best. It was just that their best probably would have left Steve with infected wounds and an even worse concussion. When it was time to go into the tunnels Y/N took the lead, and made Steve guard from behind, because “someone in your condition shouldn’t be on a dangerous mission in the first place, much less leading it,” she had said. It was a dark time and dark times left their wounds. Though her’s weren’t physical, much like everyone else’s. Y/N was left with even darker scars than the rest, though what she thought was the darkest time in her life was behind her, losing her second chance at family would have killed her, and coming that close didn’t help her already troublesome mental health. After the gate was closed and El was put into another year of house arrest, Y/N started to disappear again. No one saw her anymore, it’s like she was just watching from the sidelines, but never wanted to be in the game. Steve was upset, over the time he had spent with Y/N, they were almost friends. Y/N could be cold and have a tough shell, but Steve could break through it, make her smile and maybe even laugh. Steve wanted to help her, he couldn’t understand what she was going through entirely, but he had a damn good idea about some of it. That’s why he was ecstatic when Hopper approached him that day.

“You know Y/N?” Hopper asked, in a concerned tone.

“Yeah, how could I not, she’s saved my life on multiple occasions?” Steve replied, intrigued by the topic.

“Would you mind, maybe, hanging out with her, she doesn’t really have any friends her own age, or really any friends at all, and she’s breaking down, but worse this time,” Hopper explained, he looked as if this was his final hope.

“Oh course, I’ll stop by after school tomorrow and bother her until she lets me be her friend,” Steve smiled, trying to quell some of the chief’s fears.

Hopper let out a heavy sign and nodded, walking away from the boy.

Your POV

You had today off, which was a gift. You worked a lot, it kept your mind off things, except you were always so damn tired. You never slept, every time you closed your eyes, you saw a horrific scene. It was either your parents funeral, the tunnels, the demodogs, the kids dying, not being able to save them, or anyone ever again. And so you barley slept unless it was absolutely necessary, and you always had coffee. You were sitting on the couch, watching some soap with El. She was sitting on the floor and you were putting her hair into 2 small French braids to either side. Her hair was getting longer and this was her favorite way to have it, second only to short, slicked back, which she really couldn’t do anymore as her hair was too long. You had just put the tie on the second braid when there was a knock as the door. This caused El to stand up and dash to her room, locking the door behind her. You stood calmly, ready to fight whoever might be behind that door. You grabbed the nearest metal object, which happened to be a fire poker, and brandished it as a sword. You took a deep breath, unlocking the locks, and opening the door just a sliver. “Oh what the hell?” You said as you fully opened the door to reveal a smug Steve Harrington. You turned around a yelled, “El you can come out it’s just Steve!” At that you heard a door unlock and the soft sound of steps running down the hall. She ran, push you aside and hugged Steve.

“See, someone is happy to see me!” Steve said, hugging the small girl looking up at you accusingly.

You rolled your eyes as El walked back to her spot on the floor and sat back down, resuming her focus on the episode.

“I am actually here on a mission, a mission to help the infamous Y/N Y/L/N, Hawkins’ Ghost, on a divine quest, I am here to be your friend, I have been made aware that you have no friends. Is this correct?” Steve asked, wiggling his eye brows.

“Did Hopper put you up to this?” You practically yelled.

“Maybe, but that doesn’t make my mission any less genuine, now, will you do me the honor of joining me for ice cream?” Steve asked, smiling like a lunatic.

You looked Steve dead in the face, and slammed the door.

“So I’ll take that as a,’I’m getting ready’?” Steve shouted through the door.

“Go home Steve!” You yelled back, walking over to the sofa and sitting down with a humph.

“Nope, I’m not leaving until you come with me!” Steve yelled back.

This back and forth lasted for a while, until El tugged on your sleeve and said, “go.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone, you’re always alone,” you explained.

“Yes, but you need friends,” El said.

After getting roasted by your sister, you stood up and walked back over to the door. You opened it, and said “fine, but you’re buying,” as you walked over to Steve’s car.

————-

Hey hey I hope you enjoyed and if you wanna request something like this lovely human did you can find the link to do so in my description or if you wanna read something else I’ve written you can do that from my masterlist whos link is also in my description, or you can do both, whatever floats your boat!!!