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facepalming-since-chernobyl · 5 years

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Oh, so Jolly

For @chrisifornia for the Karamel Christmas fic challenge. Big thanks for meine liebe @zrnas who beta-ed it.

Merry/happy Chrismtas/holidays, assholes! <3

(You can also find it on AO3 -> xxx)

Kara Danvers Sometimes Zor-El was a simple girl with simple needs, which is why she was going to kiss (and maybe, probably, most definitely do much more to) that jackass Daxamite at the Christmas party, even if it meant traumatizing all the guests for the rest of their lives.

Kara Danvers Sometimes Zor-El neatened her super sexy, clinging to her like a second skin, red dress, while standing in front of the door to her loft.

She took a glance at the big-ass mistletoe hanging just above her and nodded, satisfied.

It was impossible to enter her loft and miss it. If someone walked under it, he - yes, he, because she had a specific guy in mind while hanging the mistletoe - had to kiss the person who opened the door. And that person was going to be Kara.

And the “he” was a piece of a well-shaped Daxamite ass that came back from the future two weeks ago, with Winn on his heels.

Yes, two whole, long frustrating weeks passed and he didn’t do a thing. He just informed them Brainiac was defeated, kicked Brainy back to the future to “talk to his fucking race and fix their problems, because no one else has enough patience to do it” and happily said that he was no longer a married guy.

He got his bartender job back, started to help DEO and Supergirl as Valor, and everything was just like it was before.

Well, not everything.

As much as Kara was thrilled to see him happy, beardless, handsome and friendly, it was not enough for her.

Why? Because it was years, rao-damned YEARS, since she last had sex or any intimate activity with something other than her fingers or her vivid fantasies, and she was missing intimacy with a real lover as crazy.

The worst thing was, her sexual frustration was visible and known to all, because even Brainiac noticed and asked if he should have made her an nth metal vibrator or some sex robot, to “improve her mental state and increase her general hero effectiveness that had dropped for 9,45345% since her celibacy started”.

He said this in the middle of DEO, in front of 10 agents, Alex and J’onn. Yep, Alex was not going to forget that and will probably mention it at every family/friends gathering for the next 60 years.

But yes, Kara the prudish American slash Kryptonian girl liked sex and enjoyed it greatly.

And we all knew who was responsible for awakening her sex-loving side.

Too bad she sent his ass to the future. And then he came back. With a wife. And then left again. With his beautiful, nice, kind, amazing wife.

But hey! Her prayers were heard for once, and the only one who could make her satisfied returned (without a wife) and… acted like a friend.

A friend.

Maybe he thought she needed time? If that was the reason, he was an idiot because she has had enough time. A few fucking years… wait, there was no “fucking” there, ha, ha, ha…

Ugh.

Maybe he was the one who needed time? Possibly, but two weeks should have been enough for a Daxamite, right?

So, Kara created a deliciously simple plan to lure him into her lair by asking for help with preparing her Christmas party and cooking some food.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 0:1

She was going to suggest the hot stuff in a super civilized way, perfect for politepeople like her, by simply grabbing his shirt, throwing him at the door and kissing him senselessly. And then throwing him at her bed and having some fun before the whole (non-important) party.

Kara checked her watch (her dress made a cracking noise, like it was ready to tear in some strategic places) and frowned a little. He was 7 minutes and 45 seconds late.

Suddenly, her balcony window was opened with a bang.

“Sorry for being late but Winn had called just before I left and asked me to bring his board for the charades.”

Kara slowly turned and looked with wide eyes at the Daxamite who was putting the incredibly big board down. He had also a backpack and three bags full of food, ruffled hair, a one day shade, and was wearing a leather jacket.

Basically, he looked like a snack.

A snack that was not going to be consumed by her, because her freaking nerdy, so called best, friend hijacked her masterfully laid plan.

She was going to murder Winn Schott.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 1:1

“Something wrong?” Mon-El asked with raised brows, taking the ingredients from the bags and putting them on her kitchen table.

“No.” She cursed in her head when he took a glance at the traitorous place between her brows, but thankfully it was covered by her bangs. “I’m just happy you are finally here.” Kara smiled genuinely.

Mon-El smiled back and, yes!, he finally really looked at her. Screw the mistletoe, there were other ways to make the guy lose his mind and kiss the girl!

“You like it?” she twirled, showing of her dress, that as you already know, clung to her like a second skin, showing off her goddess-like Kryptonian body.

“This dress is a killer,” he admitted without a second of hesitation and Kara started to smile wider.

Ha! No way he was going to resist her now! No way-

“But are you sure it’s a good idea to wear it while cooking?” he asked and her smile, that supposed to be sultry, froze. “You may get dirty,” he said matter-of-factly and checked something on his phone.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 2:1.

Damn. He had a point. Knowing her cooking antitalent (but hey, did he just suggest she was a klutz...?) and the fact her squeezed breasts were going to escape her dress if she bent (hmm, maybe it was not a bad idea to bend in front of him...?), she should have changed it.

On the other hand, no Daxamite, no matter how handsome and lovely, was going to tell her what to do.

“I think I’ll manage.” She smiled and threw him an apron.

Five minutes later, somehow, just before Kara bent in front of him, she’d managed to shower herself with a pound of flour.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 3:1.

She had a super quick shower and exchanged her sexy dress for a little less sexy dress that was not so tight.

Kara, trying to do something with her wet hair to not look like a drowned rat, and washing away her ruined make-up, told herself that now everything was going to be fine.

It was not.

Unfortunately, Mon-El looked like her Mon-El again (not like that bearded version that was very hot but, well, belonged to, ughhhhh, Imra) and behaved like her Mon-El.

That meant that he focused on cooking like it was the most important thing in the entire universe. And even a Kryptonian almost clinging to his back, breathing sensually down his neck and hovering over his shoulder didn’t change that.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 4:1

“Can you get me some cinnamon, please?” he asked while peeling some apples.

“Sure,” Kara sighed and opened a cupboard, when another plan appeared in her brain.

“Oh, no! I totally forgot I ran out of it,” she shut the door to the cupboard where an unopened package of cinnamon was innocently lying. “Can you fly to the shop and buy it? I’ll finish peeling the apples.” She smiled sweetly, and when she smiled like that, he just had to do what she asked.

When he flew away, she superspeeded peeling the apples, not caring that she peeled more flesh than skin, and rehung the mistletoe near her balcony doors.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 4:2

And then waited.

And waited.

15 minutes later she was sighing angrily and cursing the Christmas queues in the shops.

30 minutes later she started to create unpleasant theories in her reporter head.

Like, he was checking his phone a lot and writing messages. And… right after their heroing jobs he would quickly return home. She was getting a nasty feeling that maybe… he had someone? And flew to check on that person?

Naaaah, it was impossible to find someone in two weeks, right?

Even when he was dashing, sweet, cheerful, charming and had an amazing ass.

Right...?

42 minutes later she was sure he had someone and just didn’t tell her to avoid hurting her feelings, and that was why he was avoiding her and-

The front door opened and Mon-El entered her loft again.

“Sorry, I met your neighbour, old Miss Kowalski in the shop, and helped her carry 5 bags full of cat food. Five bags, can you imagine? And we had a talk about cats and... ” he finally stopped babbling and looked at Kara who was still standing near the balcony door with an… unusual but very interesting look on her face he could not really read.

“Uhm, is something wrong?” Mon-El asked slowly.

Kara, who was in the middle of internal existential crisis and on the verge of bursting into a hysterical laugh, made a face.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 5:2.

“No, just you know… cats,” she said flatly.

She was going to make hot dogs from the damned mouse eaters.

Mon-El who was currently frowning at the massacred apples and was ready to put cinnamon into them froze hearing her tone.

“You don’t like cats?” he asked slowly and took a glance at her. And then blinked, because wasn’t the mistletoe hanging in a different place before...?

“I absolutely adore them,” Kara smiled like a predator. “What’s next on the cooking list? Pudding? Awe and some.”

Humming, she approached the kitchen table and started preparing ingredients, totally missing the weird glances Mon-El was giving her.

Together, while preparing food, they managed to fall into an easy conversation about their friends, their jobs, heroing, Gameof Thrones and other not important things, they talked about everything but them. And it was okay for Kara, because thanks to that she managed to stay clean and didn’t cause any cooking disasters.

While pre paring the last snack, walnut macarons with salted caramel, they worked hand to hand, brushing their shoulders from time to time, smiling, feeling easy and incredibly happy, like during the old times when they started their relationship and everything was super easy.

And then she tasted the caramel cream, and of course she smeared some of it on her cheek.

Like it was the most natural thing to do, he simply brushed it and licked it off from his thumb.

Just like that her heart almost jumped out of her chest.

Finally!

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 5:3!

She bit her lip, closed her eyes and leaned into him…

But he didn’t notice.

His phone had vibrated a second before. He turned around and immediately checked the message.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 6:3.

Kara kissed the place between his shoulder blades.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 7:3.

“Oops, sorry, I lost my balance,” she giggled nervously.

“It’s ok,” he murmured absently, focused on his phone.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 8:3.

And then, because he decided she needed to finally learn when to take out the cookies from the oven, he ordered her to guard the macarons.

Kara didn’t complain, because they were both crouching in front of the oven, their limbs touching again and he was describing in his amazing, deep, warm, smooth baritone how the perfectly baked macarons, that could make anyone’s mouth water, looked like.

She was just glancing at his profile and fantasizing that it was her, not the damned, stupid cookies, could make his mouth water.

“Uhm, Kara? Were you listening? Now you can take them out, exactly 7 minutes have passed.”

She was harshly brought back from a Daxamite La La Land by his voice.

“Hm? Oh, sorry, I was just-” fantasizing about us “-thinking about how easy it is to miss the perfect moment.” She took the batch out and holy crap, as much as she hated them for making Mon-El ignore her, they smelled deliciously.

“Don’t worry, you can practise on the three last batches,” he smiled, put the second one into the oven... and just in case set an alarm.

And that was how she ended up guarding the cookies while he was opening the door for her guests.

He’s been opening the door.

While the goddamned mistletoe was hanging near the balcony.

Kara watched him like a hawk, another master plan forming in her head. All she needed was a chance.

She was so focused on him that she over baked the second batch a little. Somehow, she didn't notice the alarm was ringing. Mon-El was not amused.

But screw the macarons, so far he opened the door for Alex and Kelly, her moms, Nia, James and J’onn.

Kara screamed inside of her head, because that meant only Winn was left - her last and final chance.

(Yes, only Winn. That Luthor bitch that was probably crying her crocodile tears in her mansion and drowning her Luthor’s pain in whiskey, was not invited.)

But finally, the universe, God, Rao or Santa Claus had some mercy on her and Mon-El went to the bathroom.

Kara, totally ignoring the smug faces of her friends and family, hastily re-hang the mistletoe and came back to guard the cookies, just before Mon-El left the bathroom.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 9:4

Thankfully, he didn’t notice the smug faces and conspiratorial whispers, because once again he was focused on his phone.

And then, finally someone knocked on the door and Mon-El approached it.

Time slowed down. The tension filled the room when everyone stopped talking and looked at his back. Kara slowly raised herself, ready to casually approach the door too and traumatise Winn and her whole family for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately, it was really not her day.

Just before Mon-El had opened the door, the alarm rang.

“Kara the cookies!” he yelled and opened the door. “Hey, Winn,” he greeted his friend.

Meanwhile, Kara was taking out the goddamned macarons using her superspeed, so some of them fell on the floor. When she turned around she saw something she would much rather not.

Mon-El was looking confusedly at the mistletoe above his and Winn’s heads.

“I swear it wasn’t hanging here...” he said with furrowed brows.

“Aww, you could’ve just said you wanted to kiss me, pal,” Winn laughed and patted Mon-El’s shoulder.

“Oh well, we better not piss off the Christmas god, huh?” the Daxamite said and kissed Winn.

On the lips.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: 10 to -100.

Kara dropped the batch to the floor, the cookies spread all over the floor.

Mon-El unglued, UNGLUED!, from Winn (who didn’t look slightly ashamed).

“Noo! Our cookies!”

Kara almost heard the facepalms that all of her guests were giving themselves inside of their heads.

But she didn’t really care because Mon-El. Kissed. Winn. Not. Her.

While the Daxamite was dusting off the cookies and apologizing to them for Kara’s horrible behavior, she approached her so called best friend, whose days were numbered - to one.

When the nerd saw her face he gulped loudly, because he knew his death was going to be painful.

Kara vs Winn: Game fucking over

Kara sighed and put the last batch into the oven. This time she hoped she was going to take them out in a perfect moment, because everything else on that evening was a freaking disaster.

If she had only known...

“Uhm, Kara?”

“Yeah?” she poured herself a glass of punch and looked at him.

Mon-El was biting his lip, looking nervous. And a little frustrated.

Her heart skipped a beat.

“Not sure how to ask, it’s sudden and you probably won't like it-” his voice faded into such a quiet whisper that even with her superhearing, she couldn’t hear anything.

“Hey just say it,” she smiled encouragingly. “It can’t be that bad as long as it’s not baking another batch.”

“Can I bring someone to the party?”

Kara choked on her punch and spit some of it on her dress.

“What?” she managed to squeak, between coughs.

“Grife, are you ok?” Mon-El grabbed paper towels and handled them to her.

“Perfectly fine, I just choked on an orange,” she lied, blessing her bangs again. ”So, you want to bring someone?”

“Uhm, I’m sorry, I know it’s a friends and family party but I really don’t like her staying alone at home for so long and-”

Kara stopped listening. And maybe her heart stopped beating too.

I don’t like her staying alone at home.

Mon-El (unknowingly) vs Kara: GAME OVER

“Yeah, sure,” she interrupted his blabbering, because she really didn't want to listen to it. “Bring whoever you want, if... that makes you happy.” She said with furrowed brows, pretending to clean the stains from her dress.

Mon-El’s eyes lit up and he kissed her cheek.

But it didn’t matter anymore.

“I’ll be back shortly,” he said happily and flew away.

Kara focused on her dress, straightening out the creases, fighting the tears back.

“Oh, honey,” her mothers sighed at the same time.

“I’ll just-” she left them, grabbed the first clean dress from her closet and locked herself in the bathroom.

She changed the dress, cleaned her face, fixed her hair and didn’t think.

When she came back, she didn’t give a shit they were all throwing her sad glances. She just crouched in front of the oven and waited.

And she still didn’t allow herself to think about… stuff. She was so focused on it that she missed the perfect time. She didn’t hear the alarm. She just woke up from her state, when J’onn approached her and took out the cookies.

They were burnt.

Kara wanted to cry.

But then she heard a knock on the door, so she swallowed her tears and put a mask on her face - something she was so good at it.

Bracing herself, she opened the door that revealed -

A smiling Mon-El of Daxam who was holding a pussy.

Kara blinked.

Mon-El blinked.

The pussy didn’t blink.

“Are you crying?” The smile faded from his face in a second when he noticed her slightly red eyes.

“That’s a pussy,” Kara said and blinked again.

“What?!” she heard all of her guests gasping loudly (minus J’onn’ who was sighing tiredly). They all hastily approached the door and looked over her shoulders.

“I’m pretty sure it’s called a cat,” Mon-El said slowly, looking confusedly at the crowd of people that were looking at the creature in his arms with their mouths wide open.

The cat was incredibly ugly.

She was a big tabby, with long, ruffled fur, jaggy ears, a tail thick like a bottlebrush, some broken whiskers, scars on her nose, a bandaged paw and a missing eye. She looked like a barbarian cat fighter who could eat a German shepherd for dinner.

“Sorry it took me so long, she hates flying so I needed to walk,” Mon-El looked at the cat lovingly and scratched its ear.

And Kara started laughing. A little hysterically.

But when she looked at Mon-El and the cat who were watching her like she was a little crazy, she coughed awkwardly and invited them in.

A cat. A freaking cat. She was jealous of the ugliest cat in the world. Dear Rao!

“I’m sorry, I know you don’t like cats,” Mon-El entered the room, took a glimpse at the mistletoe, pecked Kara on the lips and continued talking. “But she hates staying alone and my landlady who was taking care of her was leaving for her own Christmas party and… Are you ok?”

Because Kara was standing, frozen in her tracks, red faced, absolutely speechless, with her jaw hanging, looking like a fish.

“What? Was I not supposed to kiss you? Did I confuse the customs again or-”

“No, no, it’s ok,” Winn clapped his shoulder and saved Kara from embarrassing herself more. ”She’s just jealous our kiss was better and she is going to lose in the Christmas kissing competition.”

“There is a competition?” Mon-El sat on the couch and started stroking the cat, who was staring at Kara with one big and very judging yellow eye.

“No!” Kara finally got her voice back.

“There totally is,” Alex dragged Kelly under the mistletoe and kissed her hard.

“And the winners get laid,” Nia giggled and pushed Winn to the kissing spot.

“Oh, and you can repeat the kiss,” Eliza said loudly, winked at her daughter and high fived Alura.

“What?! No!”

Nia and Winn were still kissing.

“Winn? Maybe we should kiss again,” Mon-El asked seriously, but there was mirth dancing in his eyes. “This time with some tongue action.”

OVER HER DEAD BODY!

“Dude, you are so right,” said Winn, who finally stopped kissing Nia, but was standing suspiciously close to her, and burst out laughing when he saw Kara’s face.

Two seconds later his and the Daxamite faces were hit by flying pillows.

That was the moment when Mon-El’s ugly cat decided to not like Kara.

She totally ignored the Kryptonian while Mon-El told how he found her one day in his apartment, casually sleeping on his bed, like it belonged to her. How she started to visit him every night, sometimes bringing dead rats (he read some article that it meant she thought he was her baby that could not take care of himself). Which basically meant she adopted him.

One day she didn’t come, so he started to look for her and found her in an alley not far from his apartment with a wounded paw. He took her to the vet but she couldn’t walk for a few days and she absolutely hated staying alone in the apartment. So he tried to come back home early and asked his landlady to visit his pet and keep him informed by sending him messages.

When Kara tried to pat her, the cat hissed. The animal kept sitting with her back turned to the Kryptonian every time Kara was sitting near Mon-El. She didn’t take any snacks from Kara, while she ate some treats from Alura and Eliza. She even allowed J’onn to take her on his lap and sat there for awhile. But the only person who made her purr like a little tractor was Mon-El.

Kara felt jealous.

The Kryptonian felt that Mon-El’s adopted mother disapproved of her. As much as it was ridiculous, it stung a little.

But the cat finally fell asleep on the couch and the party got jolly, with a tipsy Alex singing Christmas carols and making Kelly die from laughter, Winn and Nia winning the Christmas kissing competition and the whole group having lots of fun playing charades.

When Mon-El ate the burnt macarons saying she made them and they tasted exceptional, Kara felt the day was not that bad.

And then, suspiciously smoothly, her guests left the party (Winn and Nia together) and she was left alone with Mon-El.

“Thank you for inviting us,” he said while tucking the cat in his jacket and heading to the door. “I really missed it.”

“Me too,” she said sincerely, knowing exactly what he meant and suddenly feeling very shy.

She nervously tugged at the material of her dress.

“I really like this dress, it brings back some good memories,” he said quietly.

“Oh?” she looked at what she was wearing and gasped.

It was the flowery dress she was wearing on their first and only Thanksgiving.

If that was not a sign from Rao to put her crap together, then she was not Supergirl.

“You didn’t respond to my flirting,” she blurted out and Mon-El blinked.

“You were… flirting?” he asked slowly, his last two active brain cells were trying hard to process the information. “When?”

“My killer dress? Me breathing suggestively down your neck? Me kissing your… ugh, back?”

Mon-El blinked. “Oh. OH. I didn’t notice,” he said sincerely and then sweated a little because Kara made a face. “That doesn’t mean you suck at flirting.”

“Suck, you say,” she said slowly.

“Maybe I should just shut up,” Mon-El laughed nervously.

“Well, we have never really flirted, things just... happened,” Kara rolled her eyes and noticed the goddamned mistletoe was still hanging just above them.

Maybe… they could… make things happen again?

“So…” Kara made a little cough. “You came back, for good?”

“For good,” he said quietly, looking at her with longing.

“You are not married anymore,” she looked into his eyes.

“No.”

“And nothing is stopping us.”

He smiled, remembering. “Nope. Nothing is stopping us.”

They stared into each others eyes, so intensely, like they were the only people in the entire universe. And then in a blink of an eye they leant to kiss…

And well, maybe nothing was stopping them, but the cat was not nothing.

“MEOW!”

The animal made an angry hiss when they almost crashed her between them.

“Oops, sorry.” Mon-El gently put her on the floor. “Where were w-”

He didn’t manage to finish when Kara grabbed his shirt and unceremoniously threw him at the door.

But he didn’t complain, because his lips were occupied by hers, while she was kissing him senseless.

And then, like years ago, they moved and landed on the couch, only with Mon-El on the bottom this time.

“MEOW!”

They stopped kissing and slowly turned their heads.

The cat was standing near the couch, swinging her tail and watching them angrily.

“Erm, why is she pissed off?” Kara murmured.

“Why should I know?” Mon-El whispered back.

“It’s your cat!”

“Only for like 10 days! I don’t-”

He was interrupted by the sound of a flushing water and J’onn J’onzz leaving the toilet.

Kara and Mon-El froze.

Kara with one of her hands in his pants.

Mon-El with his left hand on her ass.

And his right hand under her shirt on her breast.

“She is angry because she thinks the couch belongs to her now and you occupied it,” Space Dad said matter-of-factly and put his hat on his head. “Have fun kids,” he said and left the loft.

Kara and Mon-El looked at each other.

“That was awkward,” he said slowly.

“Super awkward,” she agreed.

“A real mood killer.”

“Yep.”

They kept staring at each other. Kara bit the inside of her cheek. Mon-El coughed a little.

“On the other hand, it can’t get more awkward, right? So maybe, we should just continue?” He said hopefully.

“Absolutely,” Kara agreed without a second of hesitation and leant to kiss his neck but:

“MEOW!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Kara banged her forehead on his chest.

“Cat? Really?” Mon-El sighed heavily.

Kara raised her head and looked at him with squeezed, judging eyes.

“You call your cat a cat?”

“Yes? She’s a cat.”

“And her name is?”

“Uhm… Cat,” he said sheepishly.

“You named your cat Cat? That’s so wrong on so many levels, Mon.”

“Do we really need to have this conversation right now? While you still have your hand in my pants?” he asked a little annoyed.

“Well,” she moved that hand a little and smiled like a cheshire cat when he whimpered. “It seems you are still in the mood.”

Mon-El rolled his eyes. “Yes, so can we please move to the bedroo- EEK!”

He shrieked when she grabbed his shirt (yes, with the other hand still in his pants) and flew them to her bedroom.

Mon-El vs Kara: END GAME

The cat whose name was Cat rolled her one eye and jumped to the couch.

She was cleaning her fur for a long time, while ignoring very weird noises that were coming from the other room. And then fell asleep on her couch.

But in the middle of the night, she woke up and decided to change the location and find her dumb baby humanoid she was taking care of.

She entered the bedroom and hopped onto the bed, wanting to curl herself on her humanoid’s chest, but the chest was occupied.

The weird female, who had smelled like she wanted to eat Cat’s humanoid earlier in the day, was lying flat on his chest. She was naked, drooling on his shoulder, smiling dumbly and looking very ugly by Cat’s standards.

Cat didn’t judge, her male humanoid was not a beauty either, like every other furless creature. But dear Bastet, their offsprings were going to be extremely ugly.

Oh well, she was going to bring them rats anyway.

Cat looked at the female and swung her tail gently.

She didn’t like that Kara female in the beginning, but well, she had a nice couch and her humanoid mated with her. Also, did she just purr in her sleep like a cat?

It seemed she needed to adopt another humanoid.

The animal gently climbed Kara’s naked back and curled into a ball on her waist. Then yawned and fell asleep, lulled by Kara’s purring.

#karamel #fics #my shit #KaramelSecretSanta2019

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