#TFA49

[looselucy]

Roots

133 “That’s on the third floor.” I smiled pleasantly, the woman thanking me as she scuttled off towards the elevators. Work was as mundanely lovely as always. In my old job, dealing with customers usually brought on vile profanities, needless anger, and name calling. It had been a tedious job, to say the least. Working in a complaints department had been a guaranteed source for a headache. But with my new job, everyone was lovely. All the time. It was weird, really. I’d been there for three months, and only a handful of bad experiences to show for it. Granted, the interactions were usually quite short, but the manners of the people who frequented that building were astonishing. Until that day.

It was Monday the 20th of November, when my mother walked through the front doors. I spotted her immediately, well before she spotted me. I watched her waddle into my work, completely nonchalant and casual as she wandered up to my desk. My initial thoughts were that she had come to see me. Maybe Matty had told her where I worked, but from the puzzled look on her face when she finally looked down and saw her daughter, that clearly wasn’t the case. She looked like she’d seen a bloody ghost. “Florence?” She gasped. “Hi, mum.” I baffled. “What the bloody hell are you doing here?” I had to laugh. The whole situation as just so bizarre, all I could do was laugh. “Uh… This is where I work.” “Oh! I didn’t realise.” “What… What are you doing here?” She seemed somewhat hesitant to answer. At first, I thought it was possible that she didn’t want to offend me with her answer, down to the fact she hadn’t shown up specifically to see me, but that was absolutely fine. If anything, it would have been weird if she had. We’d been doing much better, that much was clear, but it still would have been odd. She took a deep breath in before she spoke. “I’m here doing volunteer work.” She grumbled, so quietly I barely heard. “You’re what?” “I’m here doing volunteer work.” She was clear the second time. “WHAT?” “Keep your bloody voice down, Florence!” She demanded. I slapped my hand against my mouth, my mind completely blown by the fact my mother was doing any form or work, and the fact it was volunteer work only increased the shock I was feeling. I tried to ignore the fact that she’d wanted me to keep my voice down, and that she’d mumbled it so awkwardly, because I knew there was a sense of shame there that I was choosing to ignore. Because even if she wasn’t entirely thrilled about what she was doing, at least she was doing it. “Mum, that’s amazing!” I whelped, lowering my hands again. “What is it? Why… When? Why?” “Because after we spoke the other month… I… I realised that how co-dependent I felt was something that only I could change. So, I thought it best to get out into the world and get some experience. It’s just with a small charity. People were not willing to hire me for paid work as my CV is literally empty, so I thought I should volunteer.” I smirked, folding my arms and gazing across the desk to her, and I kind of loved how pissed off and frustrated she seemed by the whole thing. I decided to add to it. Just for fun. “Not that easy getting a job, is it, Beatrice?” “No,” She fumed. “It’s not.” I was smug. For a million different reasons. I was smug that she was volunteering and smug that she had struggled and smug that our chat, which I had originally thought was very self-focused, had resulted in my mother making a big change in her life, too. As annoyed as she seemed by the whole thing, she was doing it, off her own back and by choice. It was brilliant. It was incredible, how happy that knowledge had made me. “Mum, that’s seriously amazing! I’m so happy you’re doing that. You should be dead chuffed with yourself.” “Well, this is my first day, so I think I’m just nervous. I’m not even sure what I’ll be doing yet.” “Don’t be nervous. You’re gunna do great, I promise! How often will you be here?” “Only once a month. It’s a very… small thing, but… It’s just something I wanted to do.” “And it’s brilliant, and you should be proud. But don’t be nervous! They’re on the top floor, and they’re all lovely.” She hadn’t ever had a job, so I understood why she felt nervous, but that was exactly why she needed to do it. Better late than never, as they say. She gave herself a few minutes staying with me, maybe to catch up or maybe just in an attempt to compose herself, but I didn’t mind either way. “How are you?” She questioned. “How is… this job?” “It’s good. I’m good.” “Does it pay well?” “Does it matter?” She rolled her eyes a little, but nodded, and that was enough. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I stood myself up, tilting my head and watching her for a moment as I came to terms with what I was about to say to her, and how a year earlier, I never thought I would find myself feeling how I felt, or doing what I was about to do. “So you’re gunna be here once a month?” I asked. “Yes.” “Well, how about when you’re here, we’ll get lunch together.” I suggested. “We’ll take our breaks at the same time, and if we can’t… maybe when we’ve both finished for the day… We’ll grab some food and… talk and stuff.” I couldn’t figure out how she feeling. I guess maybe she was just shocked. Maybe she wanted to run for the hills and quit before she’d even started just to avoid having lunches with me. But it just made sense. It gave us the time to casually be around one another, and often enough to make progress, but not so often that we’d wind up killing each other. It was rare that my mother showed her emotions, really. She always made sure to keep herself composed as often as she could. But I could see it then. Just a flash of overwhelming emotions from her. Me asking that really meant something to her. “I think that would be nice.” She choked. “Okay. Good. That’s good. Um… Well, the next time you’re here, let me know, and… we’ll sort it.” She nodded, and the lump in her throat was so large, she couldn’t really speak. Even knowing that my mother could feel emotional and torn over our relationship, or lack thereof, was still extremely foreign to me. It was a strange moment, one that was exceptionally hard to grasp. We were learning, and it was slow and steady and somewhat painful, but we were learning, and it meant so much to me. I guess I just hadn’t realised, fully, that it would also mean a lot to her, too. “I have to go, or I’ll be late.” “Good luck!” I wished. “Thank you. I will… I will see you soon.” She shook it off, the two of us timidly waving at one another as she went back to her former, composed and almost arrogant self, storming off towards the elevators like she owned the damn building. And I continued with my day, half wondering if I’d hallucinated the entire conversation. 134 The gang all cheered loudly as soon as I walked into the bar, Zayn and Louis putting three bottles of champagne down on the table we’d booked for the evening. They even had bloody sparklers. “For fuck sake, guys.” I groaned, approaching the table with a smile on my face. “It’s a bloody Tuesday night!” “But we’re celebrating!” Mo cheered, getting to his feet and moving to give me a warm hug. Mo had recently decided that he wanted to start celebrating every accomplishment life had to offer, from the big to the small. He felt celebrations were too rare, and that maybe his humdrum life wasn’t all that bad after all, as long as he didn’t have to feel like he was just waiting for something big to happen. He'd had this weird moment, a revelation, where he realised that this was his life and there wasn’t going to be some miraculous change that made everything better and he could start living fully. This was it. So when I’d told him I’d finally been accepted by a landlord, and would soon start renting my own place once again, he felt it was the perfect time to celebrate. So we’d all gotten dressed up, and booked to have drinks at Vocatus, where we knew the boys would treat us like royalty all night. “Congrats on the flat, babe.” Louis moved in after Mo, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.” I blushed. “And thanks for having us tonight.” “My pleasure. Anything you need, let us know, alright? And if you stick around long enough, we’ll let you stay in when we shut up, and me and Zayn will have a few drinks with you.” “Sounds ideal. Thanks!” He gave me a soft smile as he and Zayn went back behind the bar to continue their shift, and I took my place between Mo and Sasha, Molly and Niall sat across from us, and everything in the world felt right. “You look nice!” Sasha complimented. “I never see you in a bloody dress.” “They only come out on special occasions.” I grinned. “Thank you.” “Why were you late?” She asked. “Because I’m always late. No specific reason, just a late person!” Niall shuffled forward, leaning and grabbing the first champagne bottle, pouring each of us a glass. It wasn’t often that Mo drank, so I knew immediately that he was going to be a bit of a handful, and I was weirdly looking forward to it. He was practically giddy as our drinks were sorted out. “I am gunna be fucked at work tomorrow.” Niall groaned. “Pull a sicky.” “I’m not gunna pull a sicky, Mol, I need the money.” He groaned, and it was like they were mid argument. I scowled at them both, wondering why they seemed so annoyed with one another. I turned to see Sasha roll her eyes, like she was used to it. I was very confused. “Niall, just do it, you barely do any work anyway.” She huffed. “What the fuck is going on with you two?” Sasha snarled. “All you bloody do recently is argue!” “It’s her fucking fault, she’s annoying. Constantly.” “Shut the fuck up, Niall.” “Oh my god, you drive me fucking mad, I’m getting some air.” He was on his feet in seconds, storming towards the door to join the smokers who lingered out front, shrugging his blazer on a little more and shaking his head as he went. We all slowly turned to look back at Molly, who had wide eyes and a rigid frame. “What the fuck was that?” I asked. “I slept with Niall.” “WHAT?” She hid her face almost instantly, groaning and cringing and even stomping her feet as we all stared across in utter shock, waiting for an explanation. I hadn’t called it, and that annoyed me. Usually, even with a shock coupling, there had been at least a few hints that didn’t make it utterly surprising, but with Niall and Molly, I never would have guessed at it. They’d been friends for a long time without anything happening, no kisses or even flirting, as far as I had noticed. It was the best gossip we’d had in ages. “No fucking way.” Sasha managed to speak first. “When?” “The other week.” She grumbled. “That’s why you’ve been so weird with each other?” “I’ve never regretted anything more in my life,” She finally revealed her face again. “And trust me, I’ve slept with a lot of people worth forgetting.” “Mol, you’ve gotta figure this out!” I gawped. “We’re such a unit! And you work with him, too.” “Yes, Florence, I’m aware of that.” “You’ll figure it out. It’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.” Mo shrugged it off, sipping his champers. “Maybe you should marry him, who knows?” “Mo, stop trying to couple people up!” I chuckled, trying to be stern but failing, then turning back to Molly. “Well, I refuse to lose either of you, and we can’t have you falling out all the time, so…” “I’ll sort it. I will. I’m sorry! I promise not to snap at him again.” “Good, and-” “BUT ONLY IF HE PROMISES NOT TO SNAP AT ME!” I huffed whilst rising to my feet, shaking my head at her and knowing full well that it was not going to be an easy road towards the two of them being normal again. “I’ll talk to him.” I called over my shoulder, sauntering outside. Niall was stood with his back against the glass that revealed the inside of the bar, a cigarette between his lips and a miserable look crafted onto his face. As soon as I reached him, I took the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it on the floor. “Oi!” He complained. “You don’t bloody smoke, Niall.” “I do when Molly’s involved.” I folded my arms and stood by his side, the glass behind me freezing my skin as I stared at the side of his face, surprised by just how upset he seemed. “She told us… What happened.” “Mm.” “And she says she promises not to bite if you also promise not to bite, and then we can all have a lovely evening together.” He didn’t say anything, staring down to the damp cigarette on the floor almost wistfully, stroking his tongue over the top row of his teeth, and I think I knew he was about to unleash his feelings before he’d even said a word. “D’ya understand how fucking hard its always been at work? Whenever she’d come in… talking about whoever the fuck she’d shagged that weekend. When she… fucking shagged one of my best mates? That shit stung, y’know?” “Do… Do you like her?” “Of course I fucking do. And she has no fucking idea, so don’t tell her!” “I won’t tell her, of course not, but… why won’t you?” “Because the second I… The second I even got close, I could see the regret in her eyes the moment it was over. And that was worse than… hearing her brag on about different lads she’s been with. So I’m not setting myself up to get knocked down. It’s not happening.” I tried to think back to times where Molly had come into work talking about people she’d slept with, and it happened often, and I could definitely recall some times where Niall had asked her to shut up, but really, we all had. She was extremely good at over-sharing. I hadn’t thought Niall was asking her to shut up in any different way to how me and Sasha always did. It must have been torture. “Are you alright?” I sighed. “I’ll be fine. I need to just… get past it. It’s fine. I’m fine.” “Let’s go get really pissed.” I nodded. “And if you wanna chat about this… I’m all ears.” “I do not wanna chat about this, Ren, but thanks.” I knew he wouldn’t. He was pretty closed off when it came to his feelings, so that didn’t surprise me at all. I just wanted him to know that the option was there if he ever chose to use it. I took his hand in mine as we walked back indoors, and I took the place next to Molly where he had been as he settled across from us with Mo and Sasha. I think he needed that room to breathe. Without being prompted again, the two of them began pretending that everything was fine. There were a few minor blips as the evening went on, but nothing noteworthy. We were onto the third bottle of champagne, when Mo introduced an interesting conversation, already wasted. “Okay okay okay!” He yelled to grab the groups attention. “So, since we’re coming to the end of the year-” “Not really.” Sasha giggled. “It’s the fifteenth of November, Sasha, which means it’s practically January. So, since we’re-” “It’s the fifteenth?” I butt in breathlessly. My heart was in my throat. Maybe I’d subconsciously ignored the date. Maybe I’d been trying to avoid thinking about it. But the second he said it then, everything hit me at once, and I’m really not sure what kept me from crying. I could see the looks on their faces, confused by my almost panicked state, my heart beating so vigorously I thought it may have been leaving a bruise upon my chest, and none of them had a single clue as to why. “Uh… Yeah. Why?” Mo fumbled, eyes half shut. “It’s… It’s nothing.” I tried to swiftly move past my turmoil. “Forget it. Sorry. Go on.” I thought the fact that he was drunk might have saved me, but from the suspicious look he was shooting me, I knew it hadn’t. Either way, it was clear I didn’t want to talk about it, so none of them asked. “O… Okay…” He trailed, attempting to get back on track. “Since we’re getting towards the end of the year, I was thinking we should all say something we’ve done this year that we’re proud of.” “You’re one of the cheesiest people I’ve ever met.” Molly giggled. “I know! Isn’t it wonderful?” “Extremely.” Mo was only just becoming closer with the people I used to work with, really. Because he didn’t drink that often, it usually meant he didn’t accompany us at our usual gatherings, because we drank a lot. But he finally felt like he was part of the team, too, and I could tell the guys were enjoying getting to know him. He was sweet and funny and wonderful. I knew they’d love him. Even if he was a little cheesy from time to time. It was all part of his charm. “I’m proud of the fact I’ve been getting more gigs.” Niall began. “That’s been sick.” The rest of us didn’t jump in quite as quickly as he had, mulling over things and trying to piece our year together, recalling accomplishments, even the minor ones. “I can’t think of anything!” Sasha complained. “I’ve done next to nothing this year.” “Trust me, Mo isn’t asking for much.” I giggled. “On my birthday, he asked me to list off my accomplishments, and was happy enough when I answered about a finger painting I’d done in primary school.” She eased a little knowing that he wasn’t looking for anything outstanding. We all eagerly awaited her answer. “I only had one sick day from work this year.” “That’s good! That’s really good.” Mo seemed exceptionally proud. “Well, I didn’t get fired, which is surprising! And I’m proud.” “I passed my driving test!” Molly piped up. “Twelfth times a charm!” Suddenly, all eyes were on me. I could have gone deep, but possibly too deep. I didn’t want to put a dampener on the night by becoming overly reflective on just how much had changed for me since the 1st of January. I felt like a completely different person, but in the best way. Almost every single aspect of my life had changed, and most of it could be placed down to growth. Most of it, I could confidently say I was proud of. To think I had a new job, where I was actually quite happy, and that I was finally building what seemed to be a good relationship with my family, was something that helped me to smile when I was feeling my absolute worst. My first therapy session back in January, was the very first time that I’d actually opened up to the idea that something was wrong, and something needed to change. It felt as though all I had done that year was grow and develop and become a version of myself that I was comfortable with. If I was going to really list off the things that I’d accomplished that year that I was proud of, I wouldn’t know where to start. And the same could be said for things I wasn’t at all proud of. I cleared my throat, before finally answering. “I’m proud of… um… the whole… I dunno. I’m just glad I’m talking to my family again.” “No matter how difficult.” Sasha grinned. “No matter how difficult.” I repeated with a small giggle. The rest of them sparked up again, chatting and merry, having the kind of evening we all promised we’d have. Yet, suddenly I felt like I couldn’t contribute. I could physically feel it happening, my stomach crashing in on itself, my mind fading from its happy conscious state to one that felt lost and empty. I completely, subconsciously, took myself out of my surroundings and wallowed in this place within my mind where all I could think of was the date. It was an angry beam within my mind, like a flashing light accompanied by a siren, like nothing else made any sense. I wanted to go back to enjoying my night and just being around my friends, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t escape it and it was crushing me. I couldn’t get back to my former state. 135 It was freezing cold, and I swiftly reminded of why dresses only came out on rare occasions. I had my arms crossed over my chest, gripping my fingers around the tops of my arms as though that would genuinely help to block out the cold, marching over to the location I needed as quickly as I physically could. The city felt miles away. The further I walked, the quieter it became, the lights a dull and distant twinkle that I felt I was leaving far behind. I already felt calmer than I had. I’d only managed another hour or so with the gang, before I told them I needed to leave. They all seemed a little bewildered, but by that point, Mo was so wasted and hilarious, it was hard to take the attention away from him. I appreciated that. He certainly hadn’t done it for my sake, but it definitely helped. I looked back over my shoulder, seeing myself distance from a busy existence and become lost in a place I had allowed myself to be lost more than once. It was a place that brought a calm that I had craved, and it was a place I had been exactly a year beforehand. Tall, orange lamps helped to give a soft glow to the boats that were pulled into the docks as I made my way to the right one, where exactly a year earlier, myself and Harry had passed bottles of beers back and forth, and come up with a plan so ridiculous it had literally changed my life. It didn’t matter how cold I was. It didn’t matter the hour, and how dark it was, I had to go back. “Fuck.” I shivered, feeling relieved when I saw the right one coming into view. I picked up the pace slightly, my dress almost catching beneath my feet as I hurried, breathing out a sigh of relief even knowing I was within the proximity of the place my body had been begging me to visit the very second I learnt what date it was. When I turned onto our peer, my body stopped itself, crashing to a standstill. He was there, head down, long legs dangling above the water, his back to me. Harry Styles had been drawn to the exact same spot I had. I stood in silence staring at him, the wind picking up and forcing my dress to cave around my legs, and the heat of my nerves and excitement over seeing him managed to warm what was otherwise a freezing cold evening. I’m unsure how much time passed, where I just stood staring at him, but the two of us were motionless. He kept his head down, and it was like the wind barely touched him, like it just circled around, like in his attempts to block out the world he’d become immune to his surroundings. I was fascinated by him. I always had been. Eventually, I began my approach, slowly wandering down towards him, hoping that my presence wouldn’t make him run back towards the city. I’d really wanted to be alone, and I imagined he did too, but the fact we’d both wound up there stirred feelings within me that I’d spent months trying to bury. Without saying a word, I took my place by his side, and as I hung my legs over the dock, he turned his head to me. I didn’t turn to look and gage his reaction to me being there, but I felt the burn of his eyes on my cheek, forcing them to be rosy red as I looked out at the peaceful water ahead of us, and surprisingly, I felt just as calm as those waters were. I’d given myself the chance to calm down, and I’d needed that. I knew that was why our silence continued, because Harry had to give himself that same opportunity. I guess it also wasn’t really easy to find the right thing to say. For a long time, we sat side by side in complete silence, both of us consuming and feeding that feeling that had taken us to the docks in the first place. As soon as Harry spoke, I finally looked his way, noting he was wearing a gorgeous black suit, admiring his profile as my stomach flipped simply from the sound of his voice. “I dunno why I’m here.” He grumbled, not looking back at me. “I guess… because… this time last year was when… I dunno. Everything changed that night. And… And I don’t think any of the good shit that’s happened to me this year, would have happened if we hadn’t… done what we did. Everything changed… right here… and, I couldn’t help but… I don’t know. I just wanted to come back.” He didn’t need to explain himself to me. He didn’t need to attempt at wording what it was that had dragged him to those docks. Everything had changed in the past year. Our initial idea was so ludicrous and seemingly short lived, but it had led to these exceptionally large changes within both of our lives, from really small things to things that were too large to fully comprehend. That had started on those docks. That had started with the two of us. He dropped his head again, his trembling fingers twisting the rings on his other hand. “Sometimes I think about… how different things would have been if we didn’t come here, and it scares me.” He swallowed before he continued. “So… I guess… this place just means a lot to me.” That was probably my cue to say something. That was cue to make some sort of contribution to the conversation, to tell him that I’d felt the same thing, and that was why I was there. I should have simply said that where we’d found ourselves meant a lot to me, too. But I didn’t. “Why… Why are you here?” He asked quietly. “Harry, I love you.” I blurted without thinking, his head lifting the second I’d said that. “I’m sorry, but I’m so fucking in love with you, and these past few months without you, I’ve… I’ve not been the best version of myself, because that’s something that you help me to be. I know that… happiness isn’t a goal, but… when I was with you, at least it was a consistency. And I miss you so fucking much, and I’d do anything to have you back. And I know I’m probably too late, and I fucked up one too many times, but I just… I should have told you when I came into your shop last month, but I was still so unsure about what was the right thing to do. But I’m not anymore. I know I have to tell you this. I love you, and I need you, and if you could… maybe forgive me… for everything… and just give me one last chance… I just need one last chance and… I’ll love you fully, in the exact way you deserve.” My voice had quivered and quaked throughout my ambush of passionate proclamations, because none of it was prepped or thought out or contrived. Those words had come from somewhere else, a cove of my heart that helped the thing to beat and keep me breathing. What I’d said was so abrupt and hysterical, that I couldn’t even really recall any of the words I’d used. All I knew was that I’d told him I loved him, and that there was a physical ache within my body that begged to hear those words in return. Tears spilled over my eyes and ran down my cheeks as I waited for his reply, the two of us gazing at one another, biting my bottom lip and trying to read what it was he was feeling. He dropped his head again, looking down to his lap, his hands forming into a fist and his brows creasing at the centre. “Ren,” He released an exasperated sigh, his shoulders drooping. I burst out sobbing, my calm and hopeful tears turning into aching weeps just from the tone of his voice. The miniature glimmer of hope I’d had fizzled and faded in front of my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I whimpered, knowing he had something to say and wanting to remain calm enough to hear it. “Ren, just listen to me, because I need you to understand something, okay?” He was back to looking at me, his face stern as he waited for me stop crying, if only for a moment. I bit my lip again, the action helping me keep the sobs at bay, nodding in a weak attempt at prompting him to continue; to tell me what it was he needed to tell me. He finally felt we were both ready, and he spoke. “I just need you to… realise… that I won’t fucking let you go again, Florence Daisy Valentine. This is it now. If we’re really going to do this, then that’s fucking it. It’s me and you, forever. That’s the fucking deal here, okay? I’m not gunna let you walk away again. When shit gets hard and when things seem hazy, it’ll be me and you. That’s what I need you to understand. I’m not letting you go again.” Somehow, through the tears and through the fact I couldn’t fully consume what it was he’d just said to me, I managed to smile. I placed my shaking hand against my mouth, my tears turning from heartbroken cries of what I thought was love lost, to tears that represented shock, relief, and happiness. “You don’t mean that.” I blubbered, my whole body on fire. “I do. I do because I want you, for the rest of my fucking life. And I’ve always known that but… being without you for the past few months just reinforced it. I mean every fucking word, Ren.” I wanted to stop crying, to close the gap between us even for a gesture as simple as him holding me, but I couldn’t. I was in pieces, my smile not diminishing even though all I was doing was crying. I was in a bliss state of shock. He was kind of smiling as he watched me, wonder in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” I apologised once more. “Just give me a second to calm down. It’s fine. Holy shit.” “I love you so much.” He chuckled. “Oh my god, Harry! You can’t say that! I’m just going to cry more!” “I’m so fucking madly in love with you.” What actually happened, was those words seemed to calm me. It was almost like an assurance, something that my body welcomed back as though it was returning home, where it could breathe easily and just sigh its beautiful relief. Hearing him say he loved me, was the one thing that stopped me crying. Frantically, at least. There were still tears streaming down my cheeks as I looked across to him, seeing how happy and bashful he looked, reaching my hand out so we could join our fingers together. “I’ve missed you so much.” I whispered, shuffling a little closer to him. “I’ve missed you too. More than I can explain.” He breathed, shuffling to so our legs were touching, and then he lay his forehead against mine. It felt so good to be that close with him again, for our skin to meet, even in such an innocent way. I closed my eyes, my body shuddering liberation thanks to the contact, feeling him reach his hand upwards to cup my cheek. “This is our time now, isn’t it?” He whispered. “It feels like it. Harry, I’m so sorry for-” “Please stop apologising to me.” He pained. “We’re here now, and we know how we feel, and we’re gunna figure this out. I don’t care if it’s… the easiest thing in the world, or if it’s really fucking hard. I love you, I always have, I always will, and this is it. Me and you, okay? Promise me.” “Me and you.” I repeated. “I promise.” He produced a smile so delicate, I almost began sobbing again, but I didn’t get the chance. Slowly, he began to tilt his head my way, the notion drawn out and almost painful, my free hand that wasn’t clasped within his moving to lay on his chest as his lips finally pressed against mine. I joined him in that bubble he had created, where the outside world didn’t exist, where neither of us could feel the cold or the wind or be in fear of the darkness. We were there, together, locked within a golden light that couldn’t be fragmented. His grip on my cheek tightened when he widened his mouth, his tongue delightfully draping against my own, my smile so wide I was almost stinting the kiss completely. As tranquil as I felt, I was more alive than I had ever been before, electricity beaming through my body as we kissed upon those docks, this strange feeling as though the two of us were so at peace with everything that had happened, because this was where we’d found ourselves. He tasted sweet, his honey voice a zest I could devour, his cherry lips a flavour I had almost forgotten. Everything felt right. He pulled away just slightly, his kiss still stinging my mouth and his lips still grazing mine. “Let me take you home.” He groaned, quiet and strong. 136 As soon as the door to his flat opened, Moggy ran straight over to me like a flash of light, as though she had actually missed me. “Hi, baby!” I squealed, crouching down and scooping her into my arms, Harry grinning as he closed the door behind us. “Oh my god, do you like me?” “What?” Harry sniggered, wandering over to the kettle, as always. “I’m pretty sure she went back to hating me. But now you love me again, don’t you?” I bleat, and she nudged my chin with her head. “She always loved you. Trust me.” I kept her in my arms, brushing my cheek across her thick fur as I wandered a little further into his home, noting the small changes that had been made since I was last there. “Looks good in here.” I told him, spotting new pieces of art, and more flowers than there ever had been in there before. They were everywhere. On every surface they could be, and a long line at the bottom of his window. The place was bursting with different colours. He used to keep it quite simple in there, a mixture of oranges and browns and warm colours, but that had changed. Seeing that some of the new art he’d purchased had a burst of blue within it, could seem so minor to most, but I knew the depth of what that meant. He’d removed that colour from his life as much as he could previously, and the fact that he’d now purposefully placed that colour within his home, almost brought me to tears. “Thanks.” He replied calmly. “I’ve… I’ve missed having you here.” “Missed being here.” “Congrats on the flat, by the way.” I turned to him with my brows low, Moggy still in my arms, and the puzzled look on my face meant that I didn’t even need to vocally ask my question. “Louis told me.” He blushed shyly. “I know you… still go and see him sometimes, so… I liked to… check in. Make sure you’re doing okay. He told me, and said you’d booked for drinks and you were celebrating and… Well, that’s why I’m all dressed up.” He gestured down to his suit with a smile. “I was gunna come and… I dunno. Doesn’t matter anyway, I didn’t have the guts.” “You… You were going to come tonight?” “Wanted to see you.” He mumbled. I placed Moggy down on the floor, my heart beating like mad. Harry had probably been aware of the date and what it symbolised well before I was, and I think it was that fact which had almost drawn him to me that night. Thankfully, we’d found our way to one another regardless, but the thought of him getting dressed up to surprise me that night sent my heart racing. “Harry, come here.” I whispered. He sluggishly walked towards me, head down, and he was still so nervous and shaky even just admitting that he’d planned to come and see me, and then lost his courage. As soon as he was close enough, I clasped my hand at the back of his neck, fingers finding themselves playing with short hair, sharp but smooth to the touch. I lifted my jaw and kissed him, tender and thoughtful, his hands being placed upon my waist as he kissed me back. I still couldn’t quite believe I was there, back in his home, back with his lips on mine where they belonged. We were so soft with one another, like we needed a little time to fully wrap our heads around what was happening, how we were feeling, and how those feelings were finally in line. “I love you.” I spoke against his lips, gripping at his short hair. His grip on my waist tightened, and he moaned, as though the words were a gorgeous weight he could feel upon his skin, a weight that he welcomed and treasured. “I love you so much.” He returned, gasping into my mouth. He moved one hand lower, gathering a bunch of the material of my dress within his left hand and then lifting it up so it collected around my hips. Then he moved his right hand, slowly stroking it down the front of my body before dipping his fingers into the front of my underwear, leaving me wheezing as he trailed two fingers between my folds, and bit sweetly at my bottom lip. “I need you.” I trembled. “Take it off, please.” He did as I’d asked, moving his hand to pull at my dress and lift it over my head, and the second the material was off he took his lips to my collarbone, my fingers messily pulling at the buttons on his shirt and taking them from their slots as he shrugged his blazer off, grunting and groaning as we began falling backwards towards his bed. I felt as though I’d been deprived of him in so many ways since we parted, and that was one of them. Having his lips all over me, having him undress me, hearing his vocal bleats of pleasure. The wonder of his voice and the sounds he could emit had always affected me, but when those sounds were sexual, the feelings it irrupted within me were truly magnificent. By the time the backs of my legs crashed against his bed, his shirt and blazer had been removed, and his mouth had found its way back to mine for just a moment before I dropped backwards, landing with the light thud onto the mattress, and immediately playing with the straps on my shoes. He stood ahead of me, eyes always fixed with mine as he fiddled with his pants, his chest heaving and throat hitching. I unhooked my bra, and then subconsciously placed my hand atop my thigh, covering my scar. This was something that Harry picked up on instantly. “You don’t need to do that.” He hushed, his loose pants dropping to the floor, then moving to kneels on the bed, between my legs. “You don’t need to hide anything from me.” We lay down, his lips lavishing my jaw as I cusped the hem of his underwear, gently pulling it downwards, his girth rubbing up against my white lace knickers. His lips began to lower, ghosting down over my chest and my stomach until his teeth were nipping at the one bit of fabric left on my body. He hooked his fingers around the lace and pulled downwards until it was left to me to kick them off the rest of the way, his tongue protruding from his mouth and licking harsh against my nub. “Fuck!” I shuddered, that small trace sending my body into oblivion. He gripped at my legs to keep them still as his tongue dove into me, my fingers searching through his short hair, my back arching as he worked. I felt incredible because he made me feel incredible. Not just then with what he was doing, but always. I had never known a force like it, where his love elevated me into this existence that felt so healthy, and thriving. Of course my natural instinct was to walk away from something as powerful as that. It was completely in my nature to reject something so pure. I never wanted to be that way again. His mouth worked against me, causing me to writhe and wind atop his sheets, still just about being able to make out his satisfied moans that tingled against me. Being with him didn’t just feel like coming home, but as though we were returning to our motherland, rediscovering our origins and giving ourselves the chance to grow together. Because I knew that our roots were intertwined, and they ran so deep they couldn’t separate. His tongue searched into me, tilting his head and bolting his eyes open, glaring at me with those enchanting eyes, and I could feel the tilt of his smirk against my core. That was all it took for me to unravel, throwing my head back and silencing through the orgasm, Harry lapping it up as though he had missed my taste. Smug, he brought himself upwards, one strong arm holding him afloat above my body as the other gently stroked at his length, and I was still coming down from my high. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” He groaned, lining his tip at my entrance. He moved his mouth down, kissing and licking across my neck as he slowly pushed into me, my hands clasping at the sheets as my entire body was overcome with sensations that washed over me like a flood, gradually becoming accustom to his size. I cursed once my body eased, a smirk breaking its way onto my lips, my body glad to welcome his return. I felt as though I was stepping into summer, bursts of green and gold growing beneath my feet with each step I took into the season. We had both been missing within winter, cold and empty and withholding new beginnings; but being back with Harry, having him love me so intensely, so physically, aided me in my escape of a valley lacking life and wilting before my eyes. Finally, I could feel that the air was gentle. Finally, I could feel that the iron sky was altering into a soft blue. Finally, I could feel the blossoming branches stretch towards the sky and burst with colours that would titter in the wind. Finally, we were summer. He slowly ground his hips into me, lips still on my neck and hands harsh on my waist, grunting every time he pushed into me fully, strong yet calm with each movement. I dragged my fingernails lightly down his back, grazing over the curve of his backside before gripping him there, the notion forcing his hips to pick up their pace. He let his lips travel to my ear, nibbling sweetly on my lobe and groaning his admiration. “You feel so good.” He told me. “I’ve missed you. I’ve needed you.” I cracked my neck backwards, wanting him to always be whispering words of love and wanting into my ear, because I would never tire of hearing them. Effortlessly, he flipped us, dragging me along with his movements so that I was straddling his waist, automatically rolling his way and watching his mouth drop open and his brows lower. I placed one hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat as I circled my hips and bit my tongue. He trapped his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyes shamelessly stalked down my body. I reached me hand out and touched his lips, the tip of his tongue reaching out to lick at my thumb. “T-touch yourself.” He asked breathlessly. “Look at me, and touch yourself.” I leaned closer to him, my forehead resting upon his as I snaked my hand downwards, gently rubbing my clit, the sensation forcing my eyes to close. “Harry.” I called his name with bated breath. “Please keep your eyes open. Please, I need- Fuck!” My lashes flicked back upwards, making sure to keep them open as much as I could as I worked my hips and touched myself to the point of pure ecstasy, our moans increasing in time with one another. Harry kept his eyes open too, attempting wistfully to gaze into mine as we neared our peaks. His brows were furrowed, his lips parted to make way for the aching pants that pushed across my skin. “You’re golden.” He panted. “You’re golden you’re golden you’re fucking golden.” He pushed up his chin with speed, forcing his lips on mine and digging his tongue into my mouth as we came, mine happening just moments before his, pulsing and tightening and wetting him towards his finish. He continued kissing me throughout, his trembling hand clutching my bright red cheek, the tips of my fingers foraging over the vein that obtruded his neck. “I love you.” I whispered to his lips, the words forcing them to stretch into a beautiful smile. “Feels so good to hear you say that.” He spoke between brooding kisses. “I never thought I’d hear you say that again.” “I love you.” I told him again, my grin stopping our kiss. “One more time.” He sighed, closing his eyes slowly, his throat jolting. “I love you.” “Fuck. Nothing compares.” I kissed at his unresponsive lips, admiring his idyllic features, the way he reacted to me saying I loved him. I wanted to stare at him forever. Eventually, he opened his eyes again, stroking this thumb gently beneath my eye, and he just looked amazed, as though he couldn’t quite believe the sight. “Will you stay the night?” He asked quietly. “Of course.” I finally got off him, the two of us getting beneath the sheets to keep ourselves warm. Harry stayed on his back as I placed my chin upon his chest so I could continue gazing at him, one of his hands propped beneath his head and the other playing through my hair so gently. I kept my eyes on him as we lay in silence, his eyes closed, completely heavenly. “Harry?” I whispered. “Mm?” “We were… We were split up for a while.” “I’m aware of that.” He grinned, eyes still closed. “Did you… Was there anyone else?” He opened his eyes then, tilting his head downwards and creating the most adorable double chin, smirking a little. I think he liked that I’d asked. “No one else.” He confirmed. “Would you have been jealous? If there were?” “Painfully.” I admitted. “But… I mean, I would have been fine with it, but… I’m still glad you didn’t.” “Did you?” “No.” I shook my head. “Didn’t even look at anyone else.” “Me neither.” He sighed, jutting his head up and summoning my lips. “You’re my one and only, sunflower.” Once I was in place, I kissed him, soft and slow, my hand resting upon his cheek as our mouths functioned in time. I was so excited to sleep by his side again, because I’d only gotten to experience one evening of entirely undisturbed slumber with him. I had only been there with him once, and it was the very first time the dreams had stopped, so neither of us were prepared. It felt like we couldn’t appreciate it quite enough. I was utterly thrilled by the thought of falling asleep in his arms, and waking up exactly the same way. “I hope you know I never stopped loving you, Harry.” “I never stopped either.” He swallowed, nudging my nose with his. “I fucking tried, but… I couldn’t. What happened? The day you left? I still… I don’t know!” “Matty, she… fucked with my head.” “I knew that much.” “Made me think… I was with you for the wrong reasons. Made me out to be… to be just like my mum.” “You’re nothing like her.” He scowled. “Not in the way that she said, no, but… It really messed with my head and I… I got lost again and it felt like I went… crashing back to square one. But that’s why I went straight back to Dr Jackson because I knew that it wasn’t right. I just knew it wasn’t. And I never stopped loving you, ever. I just… I really wanted what was best for you, and I-” “You’re what’s best for me.” “-shouldn’t have tried to make that decision for you, and I’m sorry. I was in… a bad place, but I’m not there now.” Somehow, he still looked a little hurt by the fact I’d ever been there at all, but he nodded, his fingers brushing silkily through my thick hair, his eyes dropping for a moment before he looked back at me, poised and assured. “If you ever… do… go back there, y’know all I wanna do is support you and help you through it, right? You don’t need to turn away from me.” “I know that now.” I kissed him tenderly. “I wanna be there with you through everything.” “I wanna be there for you, too.” He smiled again, his lips blooming to a shape I wasn’t quite sure I’d seen before. I could almost feel it, this new confidence and assurance within our relationship that maybe we’d been lacking before. I think, in a way, we had expected something to happen. We had expected something to trigger within me that made me run from our love, so overwhelmed and almost threatened by it. There had been something there before, something in the back of both of our minds, where we knew that I could snap at any moment. That didn’t exist for us anymore. For the first time, we knew exactly where we were, and how we felt, and we knew that nothing was going to change that. There were no doubts or fears or worries. That’s what I could see within his smile then. He knew that I wasn’t going to turn away from him again. “Move back in with me.” He spoke abruptly. “What?” “I love you, and that’s never going to change. The happiest months of my fucking life, were the ones where you were here with me. I need that again. We work so fucking well together-” “I’ve literally just got a flat, Harry.” I giggled. “Fuck the flat. Come home!” I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to say no. I couldn’t think of anything better than to be back there, to call that place home again, for it to be ours. We knew what it was like to live with one another, and I had to agree. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been happier than when we shared our lives so intimately. “Okay.” I whispered. “I’ll come home.” He pushed my head down and kissed me again, and we were both beaming. We were so achingly happy with one another, and we could clearly see the bright future that we were building together, where the once grey skies were eclipsed by a golden sunrise instead. The moon was shooting silver arrows directly onto us through his window, but I couldn’t see anything other than the yellow hue we created between us. His body was the earth, and I was laying upon a beautiful bed of flowers. The kiss fevered, my mouth desperate for more of him, my lips engorged and eager. “Look at me.” He gasped, jaw tight. “Ren, look at me.” Breathless, I created a small amount of distance, my hair falling and coving around his face as he looked up at me in silence, like he was merely taking the moment in, making sure that he could remember every single second, painting the image of me upon a canvas in his mind. His hand reached up, thumb stroking down over my swollen lips, his voice so quiet, and so full of love. “A view has never been so beautiful.”

[eversince-newyork]

TFA49 in T-minus 2 hours and 30 minutes.

@looselucy can’t wait my love

[looselucy]

Okay! I just finished TFA50, thaaaaaaank you for that. Just thank you. Towards the end I was so anxious but then TFA49 with the docks *swoon* I miss them already. With your writing I am reminded of when Jane Austen said, “My characters shall have, after a little trouble, all that they desire.” Thank you, Lucy. (I’m not sure I have thanked you enough, haha)

I CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH, MORE LIKE! I can’t even tell you how rare it is for someone to leave their thoughts on a completed story, it rarely ever happens and it’s such a shame and I’VE LOVED GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS WITH YOU SO MUCH AND THIS FINAL MESSAGE

You’re so kind and I’m so happy you liked it. I miss Ren and Harry A LOT but they really did get their happy ending. Thank you. Love you.

[looselucy]

TFA49: Ren bursting and blundering our all her feelings is one of my fave parts in the whole story. Harry deserved that.

HE REALLY FUCKING DID!!!!!!! 😩❤️❤️ He needed that.

[looselucy]

I’m now 5000 words into TFA49...... which is already longer than TFA48..... and I’m still nowhere near finished.

[looselucy]

I’m literally in shock about how many TFA messages I’ve just answered. Will never be able to thank you guys enough for the love and support and theories and thoughts. It means everything. TFA49 WILL BE WITH YOU SOON!!!!

[looselucy]

“You’re my one and only, sunflower” OMMGGGG LUCY THIS LINE MADE MY HEART SQUEAL !!!!! WHAT A MOTHER EFFING CHAPTER THAT WAS I HONESTLY CANNOT PUT INTO WORDS HOW I FEEL SO ILL JIST KEEP YELLING!!?!!!! Askcjxkjdjs IM SO HAPPY THIS IS AMAZING MY OTP IS BACK BITCHES

OKAY LEMME TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT TFA49 AND THIS MESSAGE

SOIDJOIEWJWROIFJEAOIJFOIAEJDOWKNO;AENFOIJNAEORFNOINIOWENFOIwnfoifioewjwdoiwwoidioaneoinoienoifroiriepleasekillmeoweijdoiejoirjfoeiwjoifejwoijfwoijeoijdowiejfoijfoirioejfoerijfoijeroifjroijeidead

[looselucy]

Right, so I've calmed down but not really calmed down and I just need you to know that reading TFA has changed me. It's made me a better person. It's made me more mentally stable. And it's just been a constant, a friend, when I needed one. Like, BB let me find you, and we became friends, but I connect with Ren in so many ways that reading your story, the words you've given so generously has changed me. AND THE LAST CHAPTER WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT AND IM SOBBING. THEY'RE HAPPY--TOGETHER!🌻

I have no idea how to even process this message. Like…. literally no idea. I don’t know what to say. I just read this and immediately went and got the remainder of my chocolate bar from when I posted TFA49 because I’m just…. a fucking mess. You’ve got no idea how much this means to me.

[looselucy]

MY EMOTIONS!! TFA49! OHMYGOD this was so beautiful!! I really don’t have the words to say how much I’ve loved this fic. Ren and Harry, I have never loved two characters more than I love them. I’ve cried over them so much and it was worth it. “You’re my one and only, sunflower” 😭😍 Thank you for creating an amazing story that we all love so so much. I feel lucky to have stumbled upon it in the Harry tag. You’ve made my Sunday’s a little brighter honestly. All the hearts for you🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

No words. I’m just…… I love this so much. Thank you for being a wonderful support throughout. Your messages have always made me smile. Thank you thank you thank you. I just can’t say it enough.

[looselucy]

I've just read TFA49. Honestly, I've been sitting here struggling with how to properly formulate my thoughts and adequately convey just how beautiful this last chapter was. I know it's not over just yet, but I just want to say that it's been an honor to be a part of such a wildly beautiful journey with these incredible characters. In other words, I'm crying in a cool way™ Thank you, Lucy. (PS: I'm greatly anticipating my death via epilogue)

I don’t know what to say either, really. Like…. I dunno. This story just means so much to me, and to finish it and know their story is more or less done. Hurts me a lil bit, but I’m so fucking happy you’ve enjoyed it. It has been an honour to have you reading, love. Thank you so so much!