#TELL ME WHAT STU WOO IS

[groovetrill]

Now I like dollars, I like diamonds, I like stunting, I like shining

I like million dollar deals, where's my pen? Bitch I'm signin'

I like those Balenciagas, the ones that look like socks

I like going to the jeweler, I put rocks all in my watch

I like texts from my exes when they want a second chance

I like proving niggas wrong, I do what they say I can't

They call me Cardi Bardi, banging body

Spicy mami, hot tamale

Hotter than a Somali, fur coat, Ferrari

Hop out the stu', jump in the coupe (the coupe)

Big Dipper on top of the roof

Flexing on bitches as hard as I can

Eating halal, driving the Lam'

Told that bitch I'm sorry though

'Bout my coins like Mario (Mario)

Yeah they call me Cardi B, I run this shit like cardio

Woo, facts

Diamond district in the chain, chain (I said I like it like that)

Certified, you know I'm gang, gang, gang, gang (I said I like it like)

Drop the top and blow the brains (I said I like it like that)

Oh he's so handsome, what's his name? (I said I like it)

Oh I need the dollars, cha-ching (I said I like it like that)

Beat it up like piñatas (I said I like it like–)

Tell the driver, close the curtains (I said I like it like that)

Bad bitch make you nervous (I said I like it)

Cardi B

[gcmblingdice]

Marty Stus can fit any Mary Sue Tropes, but some are more common with Marty Stus than Mary Sues and vice-versa. Some of the most common types of Marty Stus are:

Manly Stu: Probably the most common Marty Stu and the most likely to have all or most of the Common Marty Stu Traits above. This character has reached awe-inspiring levels of manliness through pure authorial favoritism. Nine times out of ten, he is written by a male author, with variable levels of Wish Fulfillment tossed in. You won't see him dwell often on romance, if ever, since Real Men Hate Affection. Also usually a God Mode Stu.

Alt. names: Marty Stu on Steroids, Manly Man Marty Stu, Macho Man Stu

Romantic Stu: This sort of Marty Stu is much "tamer" than the Macho Stu, and is much more interested in his Love Interest. In fact, he's more intuitive to the needs of his beloved than most men in Real Life would ever be. He might be a bad boy, or Troubled, but Cute, or this may be just an Informed Attribute. Either way, he's everything a girl would dream of in a guy. He's often written by a female or written to get females interested in the story.

Alt. names: Lovesick Stu, Romance Stu, Love Sickening Stu, Romeo Stu

Uke Stu: Taking Romantic Stu a step further, there's the Uke Stu. He's the polar opposite of Macho Stu and is more than just In Touch with His Feminine Side. As the name implies, he's likely a character possessing the traits typically associated with the 'receiver' in Boys' Love and Yaoi. If he's not gay, he's probably less aggressive and masculine than his female Love Interest.

Alt: Feminine Stu

Lemon Stu: He can seduce and sleep with literally anyone he wants and Really Gets Around. This guy has the sex life most guys can only dream of. For he is The Casanova taken Up to Eleven. See the main page for more details.

Alt. names: Casanova Stu, The Genji

Lemon Stu Anti-Stu: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Lemon Stu meets Anti-Sue. This type of Marty Stu is unattractive, rude, and often meant to be a stand-in for the male audience. Yet somehow, he manages to score with beautiful women, often resulting in Kavorka Man and Ugly Guy, Hot Wife.

Alt. names: Lemon Stu Loser, Anti Stu Casanova, Kavorka Stu

Geeky Stu: Some males realize that they will never physically meet the qualifications for your typical action hero, even though they may enjoy their adventures. Qualifications that include rugged good looks, strength, stamina, athletic ability, and a strong constitution as well as being charismatic and having excellent social and leadership skills. They prefer a protagonist that they could see themselves as. The Geeky Stu is average looking, cerebral, quirky, and probably of a scientific bent, even if he doesn't hold a degree. His strength is in his gray matter, not his myosin. He kicks ass using wit and intellect. He disarms foes with clever rhetoric and kills the ladies with dorky charm. His sidekick might be an action ready type ready to supply the brawn, but will always be taking orders from Geeky Stu, the brains of the operation. Geeky Stu considers himself an intellectual elite in a world of fools. And he is always ready to put the powers that be in their place, whether they be military martinets or bureaucrats. He will always win over "The Girl" from the Alpha Male jock because Geeks Are Sexy. Hard Science Fiction has quite a number of these. May overlap with Einstein Sue.

Alt. Names: Nerd Stu, Intellectual Stu

Purity Stu: This is the Marty Stu whose main character flaw is... His lack of flaws, which irritates the audience to no end. He is an All-Loving Hero or something similar, and may see it as his personal mission in life to be The Caretaker to everyone, whether they want it or not. He will radiate Incorruptible Pure Pureness, and this aura of perfection will often create a weird inversion of Straw Loser, as this character is just so wonderful that he makes everyone else look bad. He will either be a Technical Pacifist or an Actual Pacifist, unless of course, he actually has to fight, in which case he will fight in the most heroic way, with no one being killed. If (and this is a big if) he has any flaws, they will be so tiny that you'll need a magnifying glass to see them, or they will be cosmetic flaws that don't really affect him or the story. And those flaws will almost exclusively be "good guy flaws." He will often have a traumatic past, and may have been a bad guy then, but now he's simply good. In those cases, he's The Atoner. If he's The Atoner he may be on the receiving end of Reformed, but Rejected. On the other hand, anyone who crosses him will be Easily Forgiven, not because of an agenda but out of the goodness of his heart. He's nice to everyone, even his enemies. In some cases, he may even save the life of one of his foes, or of someone close to them, which most will see as kind but the more cynical will interpret as Passive-Aggressive Kombat. If he dies, he may ascend to Heaven/be sainted/have everyone, even his enemies mourn him/ ect. He will probably help others in a way that may come off as sweet to most, but as Condescending Compassion to the more cynical. Everyone will love him, and those who don't will be vilified. In fantasy, he may very well be The Chosen One. He may very well be able to do amazing things simply through his goodness. If a young boy, he may be a male version of The Pollyanna. He will probably love his country. He will always, always, always be willing to rescue people, even if they don't want it. Is nearly always a Good Samaritan, but very rarely runs into No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. If a superhero, he will be The Cape Up to Eleven. He will often be an impossibly good judge of character, and always do the right thing. Sometimes this happens when Historical Hero Upgrade is taken Up to Eleven.

Alt. Names: Perfect Hero Syndrome, Mr. Good Guy, Messianic Stu (in works where he takes on Christ-like qualities, not that uncommon,) Buddha-Like Stu (in works where he takes on Buddha-like qualities, also not that uncommon,) The Galahad (in works featuring chivary as in Arthurian legend).

Black Hole Stu: His gravity is so great, he draws all the attention and causes other characters (and, often, reality itself) to bend and contort in order to accommodate him and elevate him above all other characters. Characters don't act naturally around him - guys wish to emulate him and all the girls flock to him regardless of circumstances. They serve as plot enablers for him to display his powers or abilities, with dialogue that only acts as set-ups for his response. He dominates every scene he is in, with most scenes without him serving only to give the characters a chance to "talk freely" about him - this usually translates to unambiguous praise and exposition about how great he is. Most people don't oppose him and anybody who does will either realize their fault in doing so or just prove easy to overcome. Often a combination of the above Stu archetypes.

Informed Anti-Stu: This Stu is disadvantaged by society, magic, technology or any other factor owning to certain attributes that make him weak and disadvantaged...except none of those weaknesses ever come into play, while any or all of the "positive" elements of the above Stu archetypes continue to apply in the context of the story.

[durotoswrites]

For the character breakdown, I'd love to see what you have to say about Mary! :)

Ah, time for the long-awaited response for Mary! I know a few of you were looking forward to this one! I'd love to hear your thoughts on her as well! @julikoloveszestiria @redtutel I'll also include any thoughts on HM64 Maria as well!

How I feel about this character

As a fellow writer, I love that there's a character who writes for fun. Her moments of writer's block and hyper focusing while writing are totally relatable.

When I first started playing More Friends of Mineral Town, I didn't have much of an opinion on Mary because I wasn't able to woo her. I had triggered her first rival event with Gray and thought it was really cute, but I never thought to go to the library to befriend her – I rarely went in that corner of town. But after I got my character married, I spent more time befriending the villagers. I really liked Mary's dialogue. Her support of the main character's marriage is so sweet and genuine.

As I spent more time befriending Mary, I started talking more to Anna and Basil as well. Their family has some very interesting dynamics, and they're really fun to explore as characters!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I really miss the rival system in the newer systems, but it does make the ideas for writing/shipping a lot more open. I've seen some really cute characters paired together I never thought of.

Maria/Mary x Harris – I think these two are so sweet together. Harris is such a kindhearted and shy person in HM64, and I really loved the event with Maria where he tells Maria that she doesn't need to buy that shady salesman's products to be beautiful – she already is. Him standing up for her when he is shy himself is so precious to me, and knowing that Maria has a history of having trouble saying no to the salesman's offers (she ends up being talked into buying some watermelons in another event) just makes this all the more sweeter. Yeah, it's a little cliché, but it's adorable and I like it. I think their personalities would mesh well together in Mineral Town as well!

Mary x Gray – I really feel like Mary would've been so great with Harris, but I also enjoy her with Gray. She is the gentle nudge Gray needs to be kinder to himself. Her gentle encouragement is something that Gray has needed so desperately. Their post marriage event is really sweet, too – Gray's worries about Mary overworking herself and being the voice of reason when she is burning herself out is a nice way to round out their relationship. I also really love him being so encouraging of her writing – it's a sweet detail, and she knows that he goes through a lot of books (plus a bit of a blunt personality) so she knows that her story is in good hands that will give her honest feedback. Their chemistry is just so sweet, and they're probably my favorite canon couple in FoMT.

Mary x Farmer – I like Mary's pensiveness and the events with her are pretty dang cute. Choosing to share a favorite book with the player is so dang sweet, and so intimate in a way. Everyone has their own unique experience while reading a story, and her recommending one that brought her to tears was really precious.

Mary x Elli – A fun rare pair. I can already see the two of them reading books together by the fireplace. I think Mary would be great with Stu, too, teaching him about the bugs he catches, and Stu would have someone he could show off his bugs to. Mary sharing her knowledge on insects might actually help Elli overcome her dislike for them, too. I could also see both of them having an interest in herbal remedies and teas. They both have such sweet personalities, too. <3

Mary x Cliff – As I mentioned in my Cliff ask, I think these two could have really good chemistry. Mary's gentleness could help Cliff out of his shell, and I think once he got comfortable, he would have some interesting stories to share with Mary. Maybe they could even write a book together about his travels! I could see them being really encouraging with one another, and I think it's a sweet pair.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Mary/Elli – They're great as lovers, they're great as friends. They're just great.

Mary/Doctor – I was just thinking on this one and I could imagine Mary helping the Doc with finding the right resource materials he needs for his studies. I could imagine them bumping into each other sometimes when Mary's family takes their trips up to Mother's Hill. And since I headcanon Mary and Elli being close with one another, I could see him being added to her friend group.

Mary/Gotz – Again, I could see these two bumping into the mountains, and perhaps Mary's treks with her family remind Gotz of his own family. I feel like he'd look after her protectively.

Mary/Thomas – I still see Harris and Mary as close as well, and, again, Thomas would be included in there. I can imagine their families having dinner together regularly.

Mary/Stu, May, and Carter – I mentioned the common interest of insects above, and I think she'd be great with helping encourage his curiosity and eagerness to learn. May could very easily be lumped into this as they pick wildflowers together and look at ladybugs, butterflies, and frogs. I imagine Mary coming to pick up Stu from the church on occasion and since Mary plays the organ in the music festival, it's only logical she has to go over there to practice at times. I feel like Mary and Carter would have a polite, but not very close friendship with one another.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I can totally imagine Mary choosing to live a happily single life even if other romancable people were available. She's a very well-rounded person who has goals in life and a job at a place she enjoys. Her relationship with her parents isn't perfect, but I could easily imagine her friends recommending her to take her book to a publisher and gaining more confident in herself and ultimately deciding to convert the top floor of the library into a cozy apartment and running the library while writing books – living the dream! <3

I do feel like both of Mary's parents are toxic/neglectful to her in one way or another. During the Goddess Festival in HM for Girl, Anna states that she wants Maria to have a boyfriend if you have Gray as your date. Mary states she can't see well without her glasses. That whole situation makes me uncomfortable – Anna's too focused on what she thinks a young woman should want and do, and Mary is too timid to speak up for herself. Basil seems to be so absorbed in his work that he doesn't make much time for his family. In HM for Girl, he even says some really cutting things about Mary that are just heartbreaking - they don't seem to really know that she's putting so much energy into her novel. I really get the impression that both parents just want Mary to follow their own footsteps and neither of them try to relate to her.

In the same vein, I absolutely HATE that Mary/Marie/Maria removes her glasses for her wedding. I am so tired of characters removing their glasses for formal wear. You could argue that she put in contacts, but they live in a pretty rural area, and that's not really the main point. Glasses are very common, and they don't make someone unattractive.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I wish that the player character was able to read her novel. Well, I guess you can in BTN/HM for Girl, but I was thinking of the one in FoMT that she lets Gray read.

I guess it's also pretty obvious I wish that Mary wore her glasses during formal events as well. It would be cute if they wore pajamas at home, and I could see her without glasses when she's in bed. That would be a cute touch to the games.

But for a more serious thing that I wish had happened for Mary is that her events slowly let her gain some independence from her parents, Anna in particular. It would be interesting if the characters changed their dialogue for the festivals if they had higher friendship/heart levels, and the more you befriended Mary, the more confident she became. <3

Thank you so much for the ask! I was happy to see that Mary was a popular character to ask about. I'd love to hear your thoughts on her, too! ;)

[ahsxual]

MASTERLIST

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¬ Smut: ✯

¬ Requests: ✪

¬ Personal Fics: ♡

Arthur Fleck 🎭

Reassurance

Beach Dream

I Know She is Real

Perfect Day

My Caregiver ✪

Warm me up ✪

My Personal Teddy Bear ✪

Patrick Verona

Fun Ride

Romantic Anniversary

Drum Lover

Ledger!Joker 🃏

Sassy Girl ✯

Unbreakable Connection ✪

Dangerous Love

Mask Off ✪

Innate Talent ✪

My Savior ✪

My Little Chaos ✪

Forgive Me ✪

My Nurse ✪

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Weirdo Beloved ✪

Lesbian!Reader loses her virginity to her crush and tells J ✪

Jake Gyllenhaal

Save Me - David Loki

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Love at first sight ✪

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Evan Peters fluff imagine ✪

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La Casa de Papel

Jealous Berlin ✪

Saw

Adam Stanheight - Prompts

Adam Stanheight - Prompts ✪

Mark Hoffman - Prompts ✪

Mark Hoffman - Prompts

Peter Strahm - Prompts

Squid Game

No, You're Not Ok - Cho Sang-woo ✪

Gi-Hun comforting you after a nightmare ✪

Gi-hun taking care of reader while she's on her period ✪

Be Quiet For Me - Seong Gi-Hun ✪✯

This Wasn't Supposed To Happen ✪

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Matthew Lillard

Dark Sins - William Afton ✯

Dark Sins II - William Afton ✯

Dark Sins III - William Afton & Stu Matcher ✯

Birthday Girl - William Afton ✯

Don't Tell My Brother About Us - Stu Macher ✯✪

Surprise Baby - Stu Macher ✯✪

Dennis Rafkin x Insecure!Reader ✯✪

Tattoo Your Pleasure On Me - Stu Macher ✯✪

Dark Fear & Pleasure - Doug Van Housen ✯✪

Daddy's Comfort - William Afton ✯✪

First Time is the Sweetest - Stu Macher ✯✪

What Are They Like In Bed? - Matthew Lillard characters ✯

[sp00kyjellybeans]

Ghostface is typing... [Stu Macher x Reader]

What happens when you text a killer?

First real chapter woooooo- Hope you all enjoy

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,059

part one//iMessage part two//iMessage part three//iMessage Group Chat part four//iMessage Group Chat part five//Movie Night

In hindsight, you didn’t think through the possibilities of tonight. The awkwardness that has ensued was beyond your comprehension when you agreed to be picked up in the first place. You figured that since you’d be spending time with some of the most popular people at Woodsboro High it’d be fine. No awkwardness. Just some movies and pizza... right?

Wrong. 

Currently, you sat in the back of Stu Macher’s car. Stu picked you up no earlier than 6:55pm in his Mercedes-Benz, which subtly reminded you that you were hanging out with one of the richest boys in school on top of his popularity.

Tatum sat in the front seat alongside Stu with their hands intertwined, yet the blonde had her body facing away from him completely. Her head rested comfortably on her manicured hands, staring out the tinted window after greeting you. 

The drive seemed to last longer than it actually was. The seven minutes it took to arrive at Sidney Prescott’s place felt like seventy minutes. It didn’t dawn on you until Stu pulled into the driveway that you were at Sidney Prescott’s house.

Although knowing each other since kindergarten, you had only seen her house at fleeting moments. The most recent time was when her mother passed. As a spastic attempt to leave town, your parents were eager to leave due to the murder, you passed by the beautiful white house that had turned into a crime scene.

“Woo!” Stu’s voice knocked you back to reality, shutting the car door with a slam. “It’s movie night, babes! BILLY! Where ya at?” Stu bellowed out, cupping his hands around his mouth. 

You walked alongside Tatum up to the porch, her eyes practically rolling into the back of her head. 

“You’ll have to excuse him. He’s an idiot,” she sighed, ringing the doorbell. 

“Randy’s not here. Damnit! I wanted some ‘za,” Stu whipped his head around, unable to find Randy’s car. “It’s past seven! That dork is always late.”

“Just give him a minute,” Tatum rolled her eyes once more. “Sid and I will make some popcorn in the meantime. Just chill.”

“Hey guys!” The door opened to reveal a smiling Sidney. “(Y/n)! So glad you could make it!” Sidney leapt forward and threw her arms around you in an embrace. 

“I’m glad to be here! Thanks for having me,” You smiled.

“What? No special greeting for me?” Stu whined and Tatum swatted his shoulder. “Ow- The hell?” 

“Doofus.”

“Come on in!” Sidney grabbed your hand and led the three of you into the living room.

As expected, the inside of her house looked nothing like the crime scene you had envisioned. It was decorated with normal, suburban house décor but most of the lights were out. The only light source coming from the hallway and kitchen bulbs. In the living room sat Billy, who was flipping through various Netflix movies under the horror tag.

“Billy, this is (Y/n)!” Sidney stood to the side and presented you like a new toy. 

“Sup,” Billy barely acknowledged you, still flipping through the movies.

You offered a small wave and allowed Sidney to lead you to the couch. You sat on the end opposite to Billy, pulling your legs to form a criss cross position on the cushion, with your shoes off of course. 

Sidney positioned herself next to her boyfriend and Tatum did the same, with her on your right, leaving no vacancy for Randy who was still late.

“I swear to god you better not put on some cheesy horror movie-” Tatum groaned. 

Stu sent puppy eyes her way almost instantly, “Babe come on!”

“No! We watch one every movie night. Sid hates that shit, too ya know,” Tatum crossed her arms stubbornly.

“Is that true?” Stu turned to face her and she nodded her head. “You lie. You always watch them with Billy.”

“Because he makes me?”

“I’m sure (Y/n) would wanna watch! Don’t you, (Y/n)? Then Randy is always up for it so we win!” Stu pumped his fists up in the air. 

Tatum nudged his side, “She didn’t even say that she likes horror movies, dipshit. Give her a chance to speak.”

The group of four peered at you with curious eyes, waiting for your verdict. You chuckled nervously but went with the truth.

“I actually kind of like them...?” You winced, afraid of how the girls would react. It was a stale reaction.

“Wow. That’s unexpected,” Sidney raised her eyebrows. “Horror movie it is then.” 

You glanced at Stu, who’s expectant expression shifted to pure joy, “HELL YEAH!” The boy stuck out his tongue and held his hand out for a high five, which Billy promptly ignored, “Come on! Don’t leave me hanging!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tatum muttered, sending a pleading signal at Sidney. Neither of the boys noticed this.

Sidney understood Tatum’s expression instantly and pushed herself off of the couch. She walked towards a door, looking at Tatum expectantly, “Tate, come make popcorn with me?”

They left the room, whispering ensued as soon as they entered the kitchen and you were left with Billy and Stu. Once he had lost sight of the two of them, Stu leapt across the couch, taking up the space that Tatum occupied.

“I didn’t know you watched horror movies,” He grinned and leaned on the headboard of the couch. He reminded you of a puppy. “That makes you like a thousand times more interesting.”

You scoffed playfully, “You mean I was boring before?” You put a hand to your chest. “And I thought we had meaningful conversations.”

Stu’s face dropped, “Wait that’s not what I meant-”

“I’m hurt, Stu,” The disappointment was clear in your tone, especially when you turned away from him with your arms folded.

“(Y/n) I didn’t mean that-”

“I’m kidding, Stu!” Unable to contain your laughter you turned back at the blonde. Realizing that you were just messing with him, he joined your giggles, laughing a lot louder than necessary. 

On the other end of the couch, Billy turned his head from the TV to stare at you and his friend. He was annoyed with how obnoxiously obvious he was. Neither of you noticed but his prolonged stare was interrupted when a ding sounded from his phone.

Everyone else in the room had their phone buzz in response too, indicating someone messaged the group chat.

“Oh, Randy said he’s here. Should I let him in?” You lifted your phone to your face.

“I got it!” Sidney called from the kitchen and darted into the foyer.

Stu didn’t bother looking at his phone and instead stared at your screen, a grin wide on his face.

“What?” You said, confused at his smirk. “What’s that look for?”

“Why in the hell is Randy put as Randy Geeks in your phone?” Stu snatched the device from your hand and stood up tall on the couch, looming above you. Every second that passed his grin had grown wider.

Billy covered his mouth with his hand, looking between you, Stu and the newly arrived Randy.

“My name is what?” Randy asked, exasperated. 

While Randy stared at you both, Stu stood upright on the couch to prevent you from grabbing the device. You were both too distracted to notice Randy in the room until he spoke. 

“Oh my god!” Your expression shifted from defeated to horrified to guilty all in a matter of seconds. “I didn’t mean anything by it- I just tried putting your full name and it autocorrected from Meeks to Geeks! I thought it was funny!”

“It is funny,” Tatum said. She had a bowl of popcorn in her hands, shoveling the pieces into her mouth. Her amused expression moved onto Randy. “Hey, Geeks.”

“Watch it,” He pointed at Tatum. “Never insult the guy with the pizza.”

“WHY IS MY NAME STILL GRU IN YOUR PHONE?” Stu exploded, his mouth agape. “I’M CHANGING IT!”

How did you even unlock it? What the hell, Stu?” You jumped up and tried to grab the phone back from this excessively tall boy.

The disadvantage here was, in comparison, you were small next to Stu. His long arms extended past your limit of reach. In a desperate attempt to take your phone back, you started to pound on his back. Maybe he would drop the phone or fall over. But it was no use. The lanky boy jumped from the couch and ran out of the room.

“WH-”

“Great,” Tatum rolled her eyes. “We’re babysitting.”

You groaned and landed onto the couch cushion, far too lazy to chase after the boy. Moments after he ran off you heard a door slam and lock, so there was nothing to be done.

“Stu!” Billy barked five minutes later. “Come get your pizza!”

“No way!” Stu’s muffled voice could be heard from the kitchen. “The stuff on (Y/n)’s phone is juicy. I’ll be in here for hours!”

“More for us...” Randy muttered.

“Sidney, can you help me out?” You whined. Your appetite vanished the moment Stu spoke, the phone was your top priority. Nosy Bastard!

“There’s a key in that drawer over there,” Sidney pointed. “Skeleton Key, it’s pretty obvious. The bathroom at the end of the hallway”

You gave thanks and snuck down the hallway, trying to make the quietest footsteps possible. Once you reached the doorway you could hear Stu snickering behind the thin wood. Sticking the key in the keyhole you turned it slowly...

“AHA” You snatched the phone from the boy and he let out a scream of terror. Behind you there came an eruption of laughter from four people.

“HAHA OH MY GOD,” Randy roared, his phone held in his hand. He had filmed the entire interaction. “That’s going on the private. (Y/n) what’s your snap you NEED to see the look on his face!”

You slapped a hand over your mouth upon realization of what had happened. Your eyes darted to Stu, who was red as a tomato. 

“Whatever, Geeks.”

The rest of the night was more fun than you could imagine. No more awkwardness. You wouldn’t tell a soul but it was even more fun than hanging out with your old friends.

The movie everyone agreed on was Happy Death Day. Billy and Stu were annoyed (Stu was already annoyed but for different reasons, obviously) since they wanted to watch a classic, Evil Dead, but the rest of you were eager to watch the horror-comedy. It came down to a vote and majority ruled. Even Randy voted for the film. It didn’t compare to the classics at all, but you didn’t hate it.

As you watched the movie, you interacted frequently with Randy. He had forgiven you for his contact name and you both had more in common than anticipated. For instance, you both loved movies of all genres, though unlike him horror wasn’t your absolute favorite. You were a total sucker for romance of all genres.

Sadly, you didn’t get to visit with the others as much as you wanted. The couples seemed focused on everything but the movie so you and Randy were left to converse. Little did you know, Stu had been keeping tabs on you in the corner of his eye.

The night flew by and it was time for you to go home. You bid your goodbyes and decided to ride home with Randy. You found out that you both lived on the same street, so it was more convenient than having Stu drive around town.

“You sure, (Y/n)?” Stu stuck his hands in his pockets, bouncing on his heels. “I don’t mind giving you a ride.”

You, Randy, Tatum and Stu stood in Sidney’s driveway, discussing who would go with who. Stu was insistent on driving you home for whatever reason but you could tell Tatum wanted the opposite.

“No worries,” You smiled. “I’m sure you’d like to spend more time with your girlfriend anyway.” You winked at the tiny blonde, earning you a grateful smile, and not noticing the frustrated look on Stu’s face.

“Alright... Bye then,” Stu said and strode to his shiny car.

The boy didn’t exit the driveway until Randy’s car left his vision, his jaw clenched the entire time.

“Can we go, Stu?” Tatum whined to her boyfriend.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.”

“You’re what?”

“Going. I’m going.”

[cup-o-slash-orphaned]

Headcannons For How The Guys Say They Love You

Billy

He tells you things

I don't think he would say 'I love you' very often.

only if he's in a mushy pillow talk mood

The way you'd know he loves you is through trust

Him trusting you enough to tell you how he's feeling.

Like what was so bad about what this person said and why it made him feel that way

So if he tells you stuff, he trusts you. If he trusts you, he loves you

Stu

Other then down right saying it?

Stu's a cuddle bug so affection is the tell tale sign.

Stu's pretty open about how he feels at, like, all times

So other then him saying ya know "Hey (Y/n) guess what? ... I love you!" You'll know by his levels of bodily contact

Is he constantly

Asking for cuddles?

Holding your hand?

Smothering you in kisses?

With an arm around you?

If it's a yes to any of these the he's got feelings for you

Freddy

He won't say it.

He just won't

To show he loves you he'll hardly if not never flirt with any other people.

His eyes will be on you only

Most of the time

He'll even tone down the insults!

Unless you start it

He'll even give the rare, genuine, non sexual, complement

Maybe

Jason

Well he's a mute.... So he can't say it. But! He can show it!

Trust me though if he could he would

The way Jason would show that he cares about you and loves you is to show that he listens

You tell him you like to read. BAM! There's more books around the Cabin

Sometimes you don't need to tell him he just picks up on it.

You could be shivering a bit around the house or rubbing your hands together a bit too often.

Next thing you know he's come home with a sweater and blankets

Bubba

Another Mute. Sorta... You know what I mean.

The ultimate "I love you" You'll get from this big boy is him standing up to his family for you

He loves his family and wants to make them happy

But he also wants to make you happy and keep you safe

So for him to step in when Drayton starts teasing or block the door when Grandpa wants you gone (In the beginning).

It's the biggest "I love you" this man can give

And you better fucking appreciate it or I swear to god I will smite you so hard

Brahms

Now the biggest form of affection this boy can give you is to straight up tell you how he feels

For him to look you in the eyes and say "I love you (Y/n)" is just...

Woo doggy.

He is the sensitive (And cocky as shit) little Heelshire

He is love starved so once the words been used once you better be fucking ready to grow old and die with this one

Michael

The third mute of the day

Well the fact you're not dead should be proof enough.

And if it's not then tough luck?

Michael doesn't really do love. It's not something he's had since he was a kid and we all saw how that went

You seeing him, talking to him, living with him, touching him, (sleeping with him) that's more then enough

The shape could possibly love you but I'm a skeptic and don't trust so you do you.

If he truly did love you he would hold you.

Nothing harsh and sexual.

Just a simple, soft, hug

Disclaimer!

None of these characters or Gifs are mine all rights go to their respective creators.

[dontcallmecarrie]

Are you planing on ever making By Dawns Early Light into a full blown story? ... And is Thanos an issue in this AU? I think you havent mentioned him in it so well, I wondered?

UMM. *looks over what I’ve got in that tag, and winces*

geez this thing’s longer than some of my actual fics, when did that happen?

Here’s the thing, though: this AU’s meant to be a writer’s-block-buster. Which, if the current evidence is anything to go by, has been a resounding success. 

However. 

As of right now it’s just that, a thought-and-snippet-writing exercise, because there’s a lot of things that’d need tweaking before I’d even consider posting it on AO3 [aka my inner perfectionist strikes again]. 

Again, this is mostly just me messing around with a fluffy tumblr-exclusive [for now, anyway] AU because this feels smaller stakes than if I were to round this up and make it into a full-out fic.

Also, in regards to the second part of your ask: not exactly. By Dawn’s Early Light is, at its core, a fairly fluffy self-indulgent AU, which for me is also code for ‘nobody dies if I can help it’ and ‘if the MCU can have a Gary Stu villain then I can do what I want, Deus Ex Machina-levels of fixits included’.

How? Simple. By nerfing the heck out of him, while also unfridging as many other moms as I can, with a side of I-have-yet-to-forgive-the-writers-for-pulling-this-bs-seriously-what-kind-of-writing-was-that. 

Here’s how the entire Thanos situation would go down, in By Dawn’s Early Light (spoilers for a fic I have yet to write):

First, let’s take a step back, shall we? This is, among other things, a timeline-crunch AU. There’s a lot going down in a very compressed time frame [originally just because I wanted Howard to still be around just for Tony to be able to punch him, but now I’m invested in this so time go the full nine yards, buckle up everyone].

So. The entire situation around Maria Stark and Tony and Bucky’s been covered fairly well, but to sum up: when Howard turns out to be an abusive asshole of a husband, his wife smiles at him and promptly turns around and burns both SHIELD and Stark Industries, revealing HYDRA and Obadiah Stane’s double-dealing ahead of schedule [unintentional fixits ftw]. In the chaos, Bucky manages to escape and joins up with Maria and Tony as they go in hiding. 

Ripple effect that didn’t get mentioned: Hank Pym sees this shit going down, realizes that the most famous missing child in the country is about the same age as his daughter, and decides to not aim to be Absentee Father of the Year. He ends up being a tad overprotective, sure, but is way more involved in his kid’s life and Hope Van Dyne grows up with at least one (1) parental figure in her life, so…there’s that. 

Things happen, and the timeline for bringing Janet back gets moved up somehow, right around when the Avengers assemble.

Note to self: adjust part of Scott Lang’s origin story in this? Compare whistleblower laws of that time era, alt. entrance for him could be him somehow helping Tony hide because BDEL!Howard’s the type of petty and vindictive asshole who’d pull some strings if he found out this rando interfered with his search somehow. 

Bonus for giving Scott and Hank something to commiserate about, later on, and would also have Tony and Co. feeling indebted to him [which would result in a lot of shiny prototypes and records being expunged, later on, probably]

…though that might be a bit much. Hmm.

Reason to bring Janet back: I do what I want also I think the MCU fridged moms because otherwise they’d be too powerful 

Ripple effect that didn’t get mentioned, the second: since this is also the AU where moms get unfridged, Frigga’s going to be derailing the plot from her corner of the galaxy.

Also, since I finally watched Ragnarok but was a mythology nerd as a kid and have a passing knowledge of the comics, time to revamp how Hela fits into this universe.

Okay, she’s still murderous and powerful and ruthless. 

Only, turns out there’s a very good reason for it: she was one of Loki’s students [iirc she’s his daughter in the myths, that’s the best I can come up with atm] before Odin saddled her with the thankless duty of being the watchkeeper of Asgard’s enemies and prisoners. As in, Odin just straight-up went ‘hey you look pretty talented, here, I now hold you responsible for this entire goddamn realm of assholes and creeps, if any get out we’re all screwed’. 

Which is something Hela absolutely did not sign up for, but she’s now just about the only thing standing between said realm of undesirables and her home so she stays put […also maybe Odin sealed the only way back? Maybe? Idk].

It didn’t help that in the early days, these ruffians thought they could overpower her and escape to wreak havoc. So she had to kick everyone’s ass six ways to Sunday, until they finally accepted her as the head honcho of this dump and as someone Not To Be Fucked With.

Thus, why Hela’s known as the goddess of death and ruler of Helheim.  

…and it’s also why she accidentally came to Thanos’ attention.

(Because why the hell not, as if her day wasn’t bad enough Odin you owe her big time—)

Thanos, of course, is in love with her carnage and seems to be the kind of guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. Hela just wants to be left the alone but can’t tell him to fuck off because if she did, she’d risk leaving her home open to attack from enemy agents, which is how we get the story behind why Thanos is known as the madman who courted death. 

[Hela: fuck you and the horse you rode in on shoo you bastard and take your stupid flowers with you—]

Thanos was on one of his especially annoying ‘let me woo you with the ashes of this one civilization!’ kicks [Hela: ashes. How romantic. Not. Leave me alone already.] when some of the Dark Elves snuck out and killed Odin. 

Hela…is only pissed she couldn’t have done it with her own two hands. Also slightly embarrassed that the Dark Elves escaped in the first place, and relieved that it was only Odin who’d kicked it because his wife had seemed pretty nice, the one time Hela’d seen the lady before she’d been drop-kicked to this hellhole. 

Also— apparently she now can leave this place? Sayonara, bitches. 

.

Thanos is very displeased when he doesn’t find her standing guard over Helheim when he returns.

Displeased enough to get creative, as far as courting gifts go, and think that if she didn’t like rings or jewelry, well, maybe this Lady Death would appreciate a shiny, fully-assembled Infinity Gauntlet instead.

well…let’s be honest, if it weren’t for his ‘don’t take no for an answer’ thing, you’d have to give the guy props for trying. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than ‘here have this item of absolute cosmic power’, amirite? [just kidding]

.

Hela now has mixed feelings about Asgard. Before she was crowned Queen of This Dump, she’d been a student of magic, had been used to certain things. There’s quite an element of culture shock to be had, now that she’s back. It’s the first time she’s seen sunlight in thousands of years, and also there’s a lot of systemic changes going on now that some of Odin’s dirty secrets are coming out at last. Turns out she’s not the only one who’d been pressed into duty: some of Loki’s other students[/children in the myths] came back with stories of the same. Fenrir was apparently voluntold to be the guardian of the Reality Stone, Jormungandr had apparently been busy on Midgard […which now had a school of Mystic Arts? Pfft. Overachiever], and the more Hela thought about it the angrier she got.

Especially when it turns out that her teacher had been mocked for suffering a breakdown and was also tortured by the creep who’d been flirting with her for millennia [Everyone: wait what Hela: I am going to KILL THAT BASTARD NEXT TIME I SEE HIM]. 

However, thanks to Frigga being Frigga and having a crazy-high charisma stat, Hela is still mostly willing to play ball with everyone else on Asgard. Despite her not being happy with how ungrateful the general populace acted [oh, magic’s just ‘tricks’? Here, have a fireball TO THE FACE I FOUGHT MONSTERS WITH THESE TRICKS FOR MILLENNIA]. 

So when Thanos shows up again, he gets one-shotted by Hela, who’s very very pissy about her vacation being interrupted.

Because this planet has sunlight and hot chocolate and punk rock and she’s got centuries’ worth of time off and she is damn well going to enjoy it.

.

…aka why Thanos is a bit of a non-entity in this one. Again, fixits are the name of the game for this AU.

[amandabe11man]

a VERY LONG post about Hell on Wheels

YEAH i forgot about this post in my drafts... it’s been like a year since i finished the show now and i feel i’ve barfed everything out into this post (that i can think of), so here it goes (you’ll have to shield your eyes after the spoiler warning if you don’t wanna be spoiled btw. i can’t seem to be able to add a read more-link...) :

SO... i finished watching “hell on wheels” at last, pm half a year since i started. it’s funny because i was under the impression that i’d sOMEHOW be able to binge all five seasons within just one month (reason: i wanted to watch it before my free trial on HBO’s website went out). honestly, that wouldn’t have been possible because it was a LOT more emotionally draining than you’d think at first glance... after being gutpunched three times in a row in season 4, any reasonable human would need a little break.

anyway, it feels-- weird. i’ve never been big on following tv-shows so i haven’t been able to relate to that feeling ppl describe once they’ve finished a show they’ve become so attached to, except NOW i can relate. the show’s not groundbreaking, it’s not perfect, but i’ve had a lot of fun. what a ride it’s been...

looking back, i’d say HOW’s biggest weakness is its tendency to forget or ignore certain plot points. i guess that’s not too weird, with such an arsenal of characters, but still, i find that’s what bugged me the most, if anything bugged me at all. for example--

[SPOILERS for those who might wanna watch it after seeing me go on abt it, idk]:

first off, what REALLY grinds my gears is how ezra dutson’s plotline was handled. it was set up perfectly in the beginning; having him escape from the swede (who promised him that, and i quote: “i’ll find you, ezra! i always do”), the original plan was obviously for ezra and the swede to “reunite” some time in the future so that ezra could tell everyone that the swede killed his parents, thus tying up loose ends and giving some closure to that whole arc. some might say this would’ve been too predictable, but i would rather have that predictable storyline than having it just end unceremoniously like it did, with ezra dying ACCIDENTALLY and off-screen by sidney snow’s hand, simply as a way to further bohannon’s pain and set the stage for ruth’s final arc. this might’ve been fine, if the writers had made it so that ezra actually, y’know, TOLD SOMEONE WHY HE’S AN ORPHAN TO BEGIN WITH. but they didn’t even give the viewer that form of closure, instead just deciding to use him as a plot device for the other characters’ increased angst... bohannon and the others were never even made aware of ezra’s last name, and this is all what bugs the everliving SHIT outta me: the only ones who know, or will EVER know, ezra’s full story is the swede and the viewer, tho after season 4′s end, ezra is never mentioned or acknowledged again-- not by bohannon, and not even by the swede. ezra went from convenient character with a PURPOSE to “nameless” orphan forgotten by history. thanks, writers...

then there’s the whole deal with campbell coming to town to reinforce The Law™, which wasn’t a bad arc, mind you-- campbell and his goons were the most infuriating little shits for a while there-- but the thing is; didn’t campbell LIE to his men about the president giving him the position as governor? i might’ve misunderstood it, but i’m PRETTY sure the president didn’t give him THAT much of an upstanding role, but that campbell just went ahead and took that position anyway? if that was indeed the case, then that’s another plot hole, cause nobody finds out about campbell’s possible trickery to become the governor. nobody rats him out, despite literally no one in “his” town liking him all that much, so they’d have no reason to protect his “secret”. (correct me if i’m wrong on this one though. i might be misremembering things)

then there’s the other pretty infuriating issue of bad guys never getting called out for doing bad shit (unless it’s the swede, who gets all the blame, all the time), for example:

major dick bongbendix(???idk he had a silly name like that) is presented VERY MUCH as a bad guy in the beginning. y’know, just casually beheading natives on all his missions and collecting those heads and taking them to the bar like a fucking nutcase-- those little details. he also seemed to believe in racial biology, so yeah, definitely not a good guy. but by the end, he’s been watered down into some quirky guy who’s ALMOST on friendly terms with the main characters. yeah, uh-- seems everyone (writers included) collectively forgot the whole public display of cut-off heads he had going on...

aaron hatch: started off as a guy too proud for his- or his family’s own good when he shot the police officer, BLAMED IT ON HIS FUCKING SON and then just kinda let bohannon hang the kid even though it was pretty obvious hatch was just shifting the blame away from himself. THEN he reappears with some other mormons and causes a full-on shootout in the town (probably getting some people killed, i don’t remember), TAKES EZRA (also a mormon) HOSTAGE SO THAT BOHANNON WILL COME WITH THEM WILLINGLY and passive aggressively forces bohannon to marry his daughter who bohannon knocked up. somewhere along the line, hatch’s bad side is just thrown to the wind, and bohannon at one point describes him as “a good man”. yeah, ABOUT THAT--

sean and mickey mcginnes: unlike the ones mentioned above, these two started out as seemingly decent dudes, but ended up pm as secondary villains in the end. however, like the ones mentioned above, they hardly face any consequences for whatever crap it was they did in boston, OR the fact that they killed and fucking mutilated/dismembered a man in cold blood (a man who WAS gonna kill them, yes, but HE did it because he thought they had killed his friend, which wasn’t a farfetched idea since mickey DID brag about killing the dude even though he didn’t actually do it). sure, they face their OWN demons as time goes on, they get ostracized, and they start losing faith in each other as well, which ends up with mickey killing sean before the latter can confess(?) his/their crimes. so, while sean was spineless and a creep, at least he thought about finally owning up to what he’d done in the end, whereas mickey lives on to keep doing shady shit, killing people, and getting increasingly more corrupt. he does end up pursuing new goals in the end, but it’s obvious he’s not happy about it anymore. that’s-- really all the comeuppance he ever gets, and the only one who knows about his shady businesses are pm just bohannon, durant and eva (also, personal gripe here-- they seemed to not settle for “just” tarring and feathering the swede and publicly humiliating him, but i’m pretty sure i recall mickey telling bohannon they were thinking about having the swede killed too. keep in mind, this was BEFORE the swede truly lost it and started killing people left and right. apparently, being kind of a douche about taxes is bad enough to warrant being tortured and cast out by the entire community... i’m obviously biased here, but still-- the mcginnes bros’ double standards are amazing to behold)

now that i’ve aired some of that out-- here are some highlights, according to me:

unexpected friendships, like that between eva and durant. i’d say the swede finding that stray dog and fawning all over him qualifies into this category too

durant and campbell fighting in the mud before finally coming to an agreement -- just- durant and his competitors being petty as fuck, honestly. it’s hilarious

bohannon trying to get through to elam by reminiscing about their friendship, especially since bohannon isn’t one to show his feelings often OR get sappy -- in fact, EVERY time bohannon loses his stoic facade is a good moment. when he was gonna bury elam and he just broke down completely for the first time since we were introduced to him... that shit had me in tears as well, but man was it a great scene

jimmy two-squaws

every time the swede opens his mouth (yes, even when he’s spouting some lies and bullshit like that)

ruth’s character development. i admit i didn’t like her at all in the beginning, idk something just felt off about her, but man did she ever grow on me. just-- how everyone kinda relied on her eventually, even though she’s only like in her 20′s or something... she still became a pillar of the community. bless ya, ruth :’ı -- also, her essentially adopting ezra was Pure as heck. I Lov it

the fact that this was the 1800′s and the only backlash the (openly) LGBT characters faced for it was pm just “yeah they’re a bit confused maybe but they’re not hurting anyone”. maybe that’s not very realistic but WHO GIVES A SHIT AMIRITE

mr tao just being a sweet old man

chang’s sunglasses, straight out of Django Unchained

mr toole’s complete heel-turn from racist POS to someone who sticks by his word to turn himself around. that shit was impressive coming from him, tbh

bohannon just calmly running into a buffalo by the train tracks

mei posing as a grown man instead of a boy (which is what she looks and sounds like, oml)

another thing i realized is that bohannon is a classic gary stu. there’s just no getting around that fact after seeing him being revered by most everyone he meets, how he’s somehow the only person able to build the railroad(s) fast and efficiently, and even wooing the literal PRESIDENT and becoming close friends with him-- all this despite his Bold and Brash personality. of course, there’s more to bohannon than these gary stu-symptoms, but i felt someone should bring it up, for the lulz

[mjihkaaaa]

Transcript: “Randy Writes a Novel” by Randy Feltface

I have transcribed this hour-or-so-long comedy piece. if I put the transcript on tumblr, it might pop up in the search results of some poor sod wondering whether it’s a thing that exists. fAiR uSe DiScLaiMEr or something, I’m making no money off of this and am posting it out of the goodwill of my heart, and also I sat down for two hours to make the transcript so it’s probably work. /original date of transcription, not that it makes a difference: 2019-07-16 /link: you can find the actual piece yourself or buy the dvd like a good consumer

||[Beard guy] Hey Randy? Yeah mate? ||[Beard guy] Ready to do this? (exhale) Yup! ||[Announcer] Please, without further ado... Welcome to the stage... The purple one... Randy! (Applause) YEEES! HELLO! THANK YOU! LOOK AT YOU ALL, MMMH! This is so EXCITING! This is my favourite bit of the show, this bit; The expectation - You don't know what to expect, I don't know what to expect. I've got high hopes for you people. I think you're gonna be fantastic. Some of you may have never seen me before, there's probably a couple of you wondering what the fuck is going on right now - couple of people up the back probably regretting smoking that spliff before they came in... "... ... ... the fuck is that?" it's alright, just relax. Throughout the show I'm probably gonna walk from about here, over to here. Any further than that, it's gonna ruin the magic, alright? And, um, this is pretty much what it's gonna look like for the next fifty-fix-and-a-half minutes, so just adjust your eyeballs to this shit accordingly. Looks pretty good, we did my tech rehearsal today, and we set this lighting stand and was like that looks good, that's good, and Stu, my lighting guy back there, said "iS tHaT iT?" and I was like ehh... eh... no, Stu, we can turn on the lamp as well, like this ... (lamp turns on). Yes. So we did that just to justify Stu's certificate for... in fucking... theatre production. GIVE IT UP FOR STU! UP THE BACK! (Applause) Who's having an alcoholic beverage this evening? (wooing) Ah-WOOO! I don't drink anymore, I used to SLAM that SHIT into my FACE like a WEAPON but I quit ... and nothing really changed, you know, I didn't notice too many differences between being sober and being a drinker ... UNTIL ... the first time I got pulled over by a cop, and had to do a random breath test sober. Because my physcial and emi-seeonal reaction was exactly the same as it had always been when I was a drinker. Which was ... - "OOOOH fuck I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "wind down your window please sir" - "IIIII'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "one long breath into the bag sir" - "NAAAAAAAAAA I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm- (blow) I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked I'm fucked" - "... you're free to go mate" - !!! ... oh yeah, I am, and the sense euphoria I felt was the closest feeling I've had to being drunk since I quit drinking. To the point where I now drive around on friday and saturday nights, LOOKING for cops. And if I get pulled over, I pretend I'm drunk just to get an extra rush... AHHH! Seriously, if you ever get pulled over, and you're sober, pretend you're wasted. Oh, the BUZZ! It's like shelving nine pills at once, it's fucking sick. Seriously, the next time the cop's walking towards the car, just be like - - "ohh, shush everyone he's COMING! act normal he's comin- put it down! put it down, he's coming! shush he's comi-!! he's here!" - "... ... ... Wind down your window please, sir." - "yeah, I'ma do that, I'ma do that, I'M DOING IT! ... Ah, it's electric. The button's in the middle 'cuz it's electric." - "... ... ... Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?" - "NOOO ossifer [officer] not on a tuesday" - "It's a friday-" - "NO friday either mate!" - "One long breath into the bag please, sir." - "yes I will, you fucking champion ... y'know, people say youse are cunts but I don't reckon youse are, PBRRTT (blow) - WOOO! hahaaa..." (Cop checks bag, shocked.) - "Uh... You're free to go." - "FUCK YEAH! BRRRRRRRRR MEEPMEEP" (Applause) I took it so far once, I got down to the station for a blood test - ahhahaAA, gets addictive when you get to that stage... I've got track marks, it's out of control! and laDIES AND GENTLEMEN - you're very close, aren't you. Hello! (Shriek) Um... The reason we're here is because, didididii, didididi-didii, I wrote a book! Yes! Woo! Yeah, you can clap, but I'm concerned that it might be a bit shit. I don't know. It's weird - this is it here - I'm not sure if it's any good 'cuz I think I'm too close to it, y'know, I can't tell anymore. I'm concerned that it might be, like, an ugly baby that I'm looking at through the eyes of a loving mother? And it's not until I take it out for a walk in its little pram and people start screaming in horror and crossing the street to avoid me that I'll realize I've made a piece of shit baby? There's nothing worse than a piece of shit baby, is there... - "Ah, who's this little guy- WAUGH YOUR BABY'S A PIECE OF SHIT!" - "God... damn it..." But do I need to be told it's good to know that it's good? You know, that's how it goes with comedy; If I come up here and tell a shit joke, you tell me it's shit by not laughing, and I stop telling that joke. But with a BOOK I won't know it's shit until it's out there. Forever. Until I DON'T sell a million copies. Just wake up one morning, surrounded by towering boxes of unsold books, featuring on an episode of mentally deranged hoarders... We need to lay off hoarders, by the way. I think there's one too many television programmes "exposing the horrors" of people that like collecting shit. It's their house, let them do it! - "No we have to fix them!" No you don't, people are fucked up! If they wanna climb over a stack of cat shit stained national geographic magazines from the nineteen seventies to get to the kettle, fucking let 'em. THEY LIKE IT. - "Yeah but it's a mental illness-" Yeah, well, may be, but I would argue it's MORE insane to film them doing it, and then package it like a tacky microwave meal for one, so assholes can sit at home going "LOOK HOW SHIT THAT PERSON IS! They've got too many of the same thing..." ... Who's more insane in that sce-nario, I ponder... ANYWAY my book... My book is called "Walking to Skye", it's about a young man who walks from the southernmost borders of Scotland up to the Isle of Skye in the far north, retracing the footsteps of his great-great-grandfather and having a massive existential crisis along the way. It's a reeeeeeeeeeal HUMDINGER, and now that I've written it I'm terrified to let anybody read it, so what I've decided to dewwww, is; I'm gonna read bits of the book out, you're going to react, and then at the end we'll all collectively decide whether or not I should kill myself. Okay? Okay. Here we go. Hm-hm-hm. Ready? Everybody comfortable? No-one needs to go to the toilet, or get a drink, or anything? No? If you do, seriously, just go for it, because fucking... (waves hand in front of eyes). I'm not.. going.. to notice... Ahem, okay, ahem... Here we go. Alright. Here we go, here we go, okay. Khm. Blblbl. Okay. Phew. Alright. Here we go. Walking to Skye, chapter one. ... Phew. Okay. Khm. Blbl. Okay. Khm. Phew... (Sigh)... (Shivering) Read it... Just fucking read it... Come on man... Just... Son of a bitch... Pth... EHGgghhh... I'm too scared. (Audience goes "aww") No, fuck off. It's weird being scared for this, y'know, it's strange to be scared of something so intangible as JUDGEMENT. You know, I care what you people think, but taste is so subjective. Y'know, one man's "To Kill a Mockingbird" is another man's "Twilight" saga. Hello there, what's your name? (Matthew:) "Matthew." Matthew! N- where- right about there, mattie (adjusting line of sight)? Tell me, Matthew, what do you fear, what's your greatest fear, what are you scared of mate, we're all friends here, open up, unpack some shit, what are you-.. What's your biggest fear, Mattie? (Matthew:) "It must be rejection." Rejection? Same as me. <close> what do you know about my fear of rejection? </close> How old are you, man? (Matthew:) "Twenty-six" Twenty-six! The twenties are the time for rejection, my friend, it is the best time for rejection. Have you been rejected a few times? (Matthew:) "Quite a lot." Fucking rack it up, Mattie, rack it up mate, you just get- you wear those scars like a fucking warrior, mate! And then you get to thirty-six, my age, and you could not give a fuck, my friend. I'm telling you mate, rack up the rejection while you can, and then just.. fucking.. grab whatever's left. That's what you've got to look forward to. Let's hear it for Matthew! Yes! (Applause!) Rejection, eh? I think, actually, Mattie, Mattaroonie, Matterectomy, I think for me, Mattanoonles, I'm actually more scared of ... failure, in this case. I fear that I might've written a shit book, and as a result I'll fail, y'know. But I believe, Mattress, I believe it was Ernest Hemingway who put it best when he said "The first draft of everything is shit". And I often thought of that while I was writing my book, it's a great thing for young readers and young writers, sorry, to keep in mind, because it kind of lets you off the hook, y'know. And it makes you feel not so bad when you churn out something akin to Fifty Shades of Grey fanfiction. - "Every nerve ending in my body tingled as he boldly placed his swollen member directly onto my left shoulder ... and whispered into my ear ... 'tickets please' ... suffice to say, that won't be the last time I catch the bus to Broad Meadows." Khm. True story, true story. Okay, I'm gonna read the book - Broad Meadows, good suburb, Broad Meadows, good name! (Audience member goes WOOO!) Hahahaha, WEEEEEW! Has Broad Meadows ever had that reaction anywhere ever? How good is Broad Meadows- WOOOOOO! WOO! Wooing is one of few things you can do in a crowd. You can't woo when you're on your own, can you... You can't just be walking down the street like WOO! - "What's wrong with that person?" But if there's a group of you going "woo!" it's like, - "Naw, they're having a nice time, aren't they..." Wooing in- when you're in an audience is one of the few times you can get away with wooing. You can't, fucking- don't woo at the butcher's, y'know? - "I'll just have a ... 2 pounds of some sausages and uh, some pound of mince, and let me- six pound fifty WOOOOO!" - "I no longer wish for you to purchase my meat products." What was I talking about? Ah, Broadie? Yeah, Broad Meadows, it's a good name, Broad Meadow, like it makes sense, there was an expanse of just fucking... no stuff, there was some broad meadows, and they went "let's fucking build it here" and it was an honest name. All these new subdivisions now, they're all fucking, just... - "What are we gonna call this deserted swamp?" - "Um... Spring Valley Mountview Niceface." Fuck that! Name them honestly, y'know? - "Where are you living now?" - "Shitty water feature." - "Ah!" - "Where are you?" - "Stabbyville." - "Ah! ... How's that?" - "Yeah, it's good, it's close to schools, which is great, but um... We do get stabbed a lot though, it's a... You know, we knew the risks..." - "'Cuz it was in the name?" - "'Cuz it was in the name! yeEEeeAh." I like an honestly named place. I was Broken Hill recently, that's an honestly named place. - "We had a hill, we fucking broke it. Welcome to Broken Hill." Actually, Broken Hill have gone one further, they've named all the streets in the centre of town after elements. 'Cuz it's a mining town, they went thematic with that shit. So you're walking down Chloride, and you hit the corner of Bromide, or Oxide, I love that! That makes sense to me! I live in Collingwood - it'd be much easier to direct people to my house if I could send them to the corner of Soy Latte and Hipster Fuckwit. That'd take out all the guesswork ... When you're heading to Frankston, don't forget to check out the beautiful parklands on the corner of Bucket Bong and Pregnant Teenager. They are just enchanting. Alright. Gonna read the book. Blblblbl. You cool Matt? Sick. I'm gonna keep talking to you so you feel included. Therefore, not rejected. Khm, okay. Alrighty. Okay. Here we go. Alright. Shut up, I'm gonna read it. Okay. Phew. Walking to Skye, chapter one . . . Fascinating man, Ernest Hemingway. I didn't know a lot about him, but I kept thinking of that quote, "the first draft of everything is shit", while I was writing my book, and I started to think, "who are you to tell me my first draft is shit, Hemingway? What did you ever do that was sO fUckIng gOOd?" So I realized I didn't know anything about him, so I decided to do some research on him, and it proved to be an excellent means of putting off writing my book. And now I can tell you everything I know about him as an excellent means of putting off reading you my book, so... Swings and roundabouts, my friends, swoongs and rimbledibbledoodledoodoos, as they say in Scotland ... They don't say that. No-one has ever said that. Anyway, what I suggest we do, okay, is I'm just gonna tell you a little bit about Ernest Hemingway, bit about Hemmers, and then we'll just let the segway into reading the book develop organically. Like a runaway fungus at the bottom of a misplaced coffee cup. - "Aw, guys, how long has this been behind the couch? ... There's little people in it!" - "Save us! Save us from our porcelain prison!" - "wwWAAH!" (tosses cup) KSSSH - "We're free!" - (Running noise, tktktktktktk) - (Randy steps on the little people with an audible crunch) It's just for me, that bit, it's just for me!.. Okay. Okay, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time I would wager in all of your living memories, I now am proud to present to you, the life and times of Ernest Miller Hemingway in approximately three and a half minutes. Go! (Background shifts) Born in Chicago in eighteen ninety-nine, son of a physician and a musician, reasonably uneventful childhood, decided to study journalism. Enlisted with the Red Cross during World War One, got blown up in Milan and spent six months in hospital with severe shrapnel wounds in both legs, fell in love with a nurse, they decided to get married. He came home to prepare, she stayed there and ditched him for an Italian soldier, which initiated a life-long pattern of him rejecting women before they had a chance to reject him. Take note, Mattie. Got a job as a foreign correspondent, fell in love with his roommate's sister, married her and moved to Paris. They hung out with Gertrude Stein, they kicked it with Pablo Picasso, he started writing in earnest, moved to Toronto, had a kid, moved back to Paris, published a couple of books, cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, converted to catholicism ... ... ...  Cut his head open after pulling on a cord thinking he was flushing a toilet, and instead ripped a skylight from the roof and smashed it onto his face, moved to Kansas City, had another kid, his dad committed suicide, he shot a lot of bears for some reason, had a car accident, had another kid, went to Africa to kill some wild animals and got dysentery - Karma! -, published another book, moved to Cuba, shot himself in the leg whilst aiming at a shark! Cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, published "For Who the Bell Tolls", sold half a million copies in a couple of months and got nominated for a Pulitzer prize, cheated on his wife, got divorced, married the other woman, became the self-appointed leader of a band of village militia outside of Paris, and was subsequently brought up on charges for contravening the Geneva convention and got away with it like a FUCKING CHAMPION! Got pneumonia, moved back to Cuba, and spent most of his spare time on his boat, tracking nazi u-boats with a machine gun and a pile of hand grenades - I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP! Had a few more car accidents, three more concussions, got clawed while playing with a lion! ... Got depressed, drank, got fat, published a couple of more books, went back to Africa to shoot some more wild animals and barely survived two separate plane crashed in the space of twenty-four hours, winding up with a fractured skull, internal bleeding, cracked spine, ruptured liver, first degree burns, and a paralyzed sphincter muscle - Karma! -, won a Nobel prize, had a file opened on him by J. Edgar Hoover, left a bunch of shit in a safe in Cuba and moved to Idaho paranoid that the feds were following him, which they were, because he spent most of the nineteen fourties working for the KGB! AGAIN, NOT-MAKING-THIS-SHIT-UP! Suffered from hepatitis, nephritis, hypertension, hemochromatosis, anemia, and impotence - Karma! -, got committed, received way too much electroconvulsive therapy and came out all fucked up, started hinting at suicide so immediately got re-committed, received another couple of months worth of electroconvulsive therapy, got released, put both barrels of his favourite twelve gauge shotgun into his mouth, and BLEW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF. WHAT A GUY!!! (Applause) Ah... That is all true! What a fucking unit! Hemingway is the quintessential anti-hero, the talented, charismatic, belligerent, suicidal, alcoholic genius that can't keep his dick in his trousers. And he still found time to write about fifteen books! I've written one, and it took me ages, because I procrastinate like a motherfucker! I only got this written by doing most of the work in my local public library, because it's very difficult to masturbate in the reference section without getting caught. It's... It's almost impossible, in fact ... Almost. I don't even enjoy masturbating anymore, I just do it to avoid other tasks. And if it's something I really don't wanna do, I can seriously just go back-to-back wanks, just AARGH, just 'till it's painful, like NAAAAAAAAH, like hurty cum, like MWOOOAAARGH, WOOOMMMHHH MHHHH MMHHMHMMM RMMMMMHHHHOOkay fine I'll do the fucking dishes. And you know the weird thing about books is that you only really need to write one to be considered to be a great writer. Until last year, "To Kill a Mockingbird" was the only book that Harper Lee ever published. One book in eighty-nine years. To be fair that one book did win the Pulitzer prize and sold over fourty million copies, so she didn't really need to do another one, did she... - "Hey Harper, you gonna write another book?" - "Nope! Did you read the first one? FUCKING NAILED IT! FUCKING NAILED IT! I'm just doing the one. Just doing the one." Imagine if I did that. Came up here, told one joke, and then stared at you for fifty-eight minutes. - "You gonna tell another joke?" - "Nope! Did you hear the first one? FUCKING NAILED IT! I'm just doing the one." There's not many jobs where you can just do the one, is there... Just... Writers, and... Suicide bombers. Hard to do two of those... Or maybe UFC fighters that get punched in the head so hard in their first bout that cerebral fluid trickles out of their eye sockets. - "Ohhh, that's fucked Randy..." It happens. It's pretty much the perfect example of why we're sort of festering in this evolutionary cul-de-sac, isn't it? - "Welcome to planet earth, there's approximately seven billion of us, as you can see there's quite a few of us that don't have any clean drinking water, OH! Here's a large group of us that get paid millions of dollars to knee each other in the face! Obviously still... Ironing out a few of the kinks." Martial arts, mixed or otherwise, should not be the domain of fat-necked roughians trying to stomp on each other's ballsacks. Just as yoga should not be taught by twenty-two year old gym instructors that did a one week yoga retreat in Bali and now get around in low-slung fisherman pants with a bindy and a plat talking about mindfulness like they've ever had any fucking life experience at all. I'm sorry, you can tell me to relax and center myself when you spend maybe ten or fifteen years considering what that actually means. Until then, go back to taking photos of the froth on your coffee and shut the fuck up. And I'm torn! I'm torn because I do yoga! I buy oragnic vegetables. I blindly sign internet petitions without reading the fine print, give myself a good old pat on the back and go back to downloading hardcore pornography... I'm trying to be a good buddhist, I'm trying... But it's even difficult to identify as buddhist in the current climate without coming off as some sort of new-age pompous twat dipping his toe into the "What does it all mean?" kiddie pool while holding a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and staring lecherously across the back yard at your cousin's tits. - "Geez, Tamara's grown up since last Christmas, hasn't she..." And I mean, Buddha was just a dude who found enlightenment sometime around the fifth century, and he decided to stick around and talk about it, y'know. But he made it clear that everything's optional, I guess, y'know, "here's the thing I've discovered, I think it's pretty nifty, but you can find your own way through it". He was kind of like a benevolent woodwork teacher, just overseeing the workshop, but allowing his students to discover for themselves which machine is most likely to cut their fucking head off. - BRRRRRRRRRRR-WAUGH! - "It was that one, Gareth, well done. A plus, matey, A plus for you." And there's been loads of other buddhas since, right, but they haven't necessarily felt the calling to stick around and talk about it. I guess they just become enlightened and fuck off. I think that's fantastic. But ... Are you only enlightened if you're able to share it with people? Y'know? If I write a book and nobody reads it, is it still art? What is the collective noun for monkeys? ... ... ... Seriously, does anybody know what it is? I was trying to think of it all day. Anybody? (Inaudible audience response) What? (Audience member:) "Gang" Gang? Gang of monkeys? Coming through on my gang of monkeys, we're a little gang of monkeys, ooh-A-A-A! It's not gang! Anybody else? If you come up with something stupid, I'll sing a dumb song about it ..? What else? (Inaudible audience response) What is it? (Inaudible audience response) ... Oh you people are fucked. Does anybody know what it is? It's not barrel, by the way. It's troop. What, what did you say, uhh... Gang. Who-what, what's your name, who said gang? Where are you? (Victoria:) "Victoria." Victoria? How are you, Victoria? (Victoria:) "Great." Thanks for coming to my show. Hey, Victoria, riddle me this m'sister, have you read "Go Set a Watchman"? Harper Lee's new book? (Victoria:) "Naw." Naw. Has anybody read it? (Audience member:) "Half." Half. That is the best book review ever. - "I read half." Has anybody read "To Kill a Mockingbird"? (audience responds yes) yEES we reAD IT at scHOOL, fuck off. For those of you who haven't- for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, "Go Set a Watchman" was the Harper Lee book that came out last year, right, and if you don't know the backstory, alright, I'll just fill you in. Victoria, listen up. Um... Basically, Harper Lee, right? So, Harper Lee, she had a stroke in two thousand and seven, and until she died earlier this year, she was in like, assisted care, she was in a wheelchair, she was deaf and she was blind, and her sister Alice had been taking care of all of her affairs, until Alice died in twenty fourteen at the age of one hundred and three, like a fucking boss... Anyway before Alice died she was pretty much the last line of defence between Harper and this 'lawyer' that had just sort of been loitering in the wings, right. And when Alice died, this 'lawyer' just happened to discover the manuscript for "Go Set a Watchman" in the locked safety deposit box in an obscure vault in a random bank, where it had been busy minding its own business for the last fifty-six and a half years, and according to the 'lawyer', Harper was delighted that the manuscript had been discovered, and suddenly reversed her life-long vow to never ever ever publish another book ever ever again, particularly not "Go Set a Watchman" which she actually wrote before "To Kill a Mockingbird" and didn't think was very good. Other people think that maybe the 'lawyer' was attempting to get filthy rich by brutally fist-fucking an eighty-nine year old stroke victim, but the question is; ... ... ... The question is, if "To Kill a Mockingbird" had've stayed in that vault, alongside this newly discovered manuscript, would it still technically be a work of literary genius? Or is it only when something's been evaluated by the world and possibly someone's made some cash off it that it's considered to be valid artistic expression? Is art only art once it's been witnessed? Acknowledged? If I don't take a bow at the end of this show, does it devalue the performance? Will you feel unsatisfied? Or rejected? ... I recently read that book "The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work" by Alaine de Button, and in it, he says; "we might consider art as anything which pushes our thoughts in important, yet neglected directions". Now, I'd like to consider what I do artistic expression, but that sort of poses the question - do people really need their thought pushed in the direction of old ladies being brutally fist-fucked? Is that my artistic legacy? Is that what I'm gonna leave behind? Y'know, "Randy... He was the old lady fisting guy, wasn't he? Eh. Very droll, very droll. Yeah." Because Ernest Hemingway is remembered more for his literary talents than for being an insufferable cunt with a penchant for killing shit and cheating on his multiple wives, does his artistic legacy outshine his tactless and unfortunate personal life? Is it better to be a mindful human that leaves no palpable remnants of artistry behind, or a violently unlikeable sexual deviant that shits handfuls of heart-breakingly beautiful sonnets and sonnatas out of his asshole before brunch? Because it's the image of the tortured, self-destructive artist that prevails nine times out of ten. Amy Winehouse was just a girl that wanted to sing some songs, do you know what I mean? So... Should I just keep my fucking mouth shut? And try to navigate towards enlightenment, leaving behind an intangible trail of good deeds? Or do I dive deeper and deeper into the inky, black ocean of self-destruction and self-indulgence until I nail my chosen art form, leaving an echo for the eternal wonderment of countless future generations that will just breeze over my asshole personality? ... it's what's keeping me up in the night times. Eh... (Pause) Y'know, from the moment we're born we become less than human? You know that? E-... E-hh... Eh... All the bacteria from our mother is passed onto us on the way out of the womb, and from then on, we just continue to collect shit, on the inside and the outside, until the day we expire. Occasionally, you get to choose what that shit is, but most of the time you have very little say in where it comes from or when. You just have to duck and weave your way through the shit for as long as you can, until the chunk of shit with your name on it finally-AAARGH! cleans you up. Look, I know this was billed as a comedy, but a-ha-ha-HAA! LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH! Woo! There are some pretty fucking ridiculous ways to die, though- OH, like that guy, that scuba diver they found when they put out the bush fire! *oh my go-od have you heard this fucking sto-ory?* They put out, like, a bush fire, and they found a dude in full scuba gear, and they figured out that the water bomber plane or helicopter that scoops up the water to put out the fire accidentally picked up a diver and dumped him into the flames! What a fucked up way to go! It's pretty much the polar opposite of "He died peacefully in his sleep", isn't it? Just dumped out of a plane into a blazing inferno... with a highly flammable gas tank instead of a parachute strapped to your back? - "NOOoo!" (Explosion noice) "I just wanted to look at the fish..." What do you say to his family? - "Uhh... At least he died doing what he loved." Well, he was a firefighter that enjoyed skydiving and water sports, but I'm not sure he ever wanted to combine the three... That's better, isn't it? - "Tell more jokes you little purple fucker." I had a good joke the other day - How do you know if a hippie has been to your house? ... They're still there. Haa... How do you know if someone's vegan? ... They'll tell you, yes, ahaHAHAA! Hahahaha, I'm vegan. Um... I initially became vegan for environmental and ethical reasons, and now I just do it to give people the shits at dinner parties. Like, - "Get it away, I can't eat that, meat is murder, STOP HAVING FUN EVERYONE!" It's a funny conversation, the vegan one, you bring it up, people just go - "... shut up fuckhead" But it's funny, 'cuz you know you don't actually need to eat meat. You don't NEED it. Nobody actually needs it. Unless you're on hemodialasys and you have to inhale a rare porterhouse steak every three hours to stop your kidneys backing in, you don't actually need it. That makes it a choice, and it's your choice. As long as you understand that that choice is born from belief and that particular belief is called "carnism". It's an inherited belief system that sort of conditions us to eat meat, and the notion is so... pervasive, I guess, it's viewed as a given rather than a choice. But it's totally a choice. - "Where do you get your proteins from then you little poofter!?" PEAS! (Gasp) It's crazy. And I know it's easy to just lump veganism in with all the other food allergies and just go - "They're the annoying fuckheads that don't eat the good stuff" which I get, I totally get... We're having Christmas at my house this year, right? Three months out, my cousin calls me to discuss her son, my cousin's son, which makes him... Someone I couldn't give a fuck about, anyway; She calls me up, the first thing she says - she doesn't even say hello - the first thing she says is "Brayden can't have blue." - "What the fuck? - "BRAYDEN can't eat BLUE FOODS." Apparently this kid, if he eats anything with a blue food preservative in it, he just KLKH (imitates death) just taps out. That is bullshit! Firstly, don't call your kid Brayden. Secondly... secondly, blue is not even a natural colour for foodstuffs. It occurs very rarely in nature- name me one blue food. (Audience member:) "Blueberry." BLUEBERRIES ARE FUCKING PURPLE! I'm talking about mentos blue, like seven eleven slushie blue, what flavour is that? Fucking highlighter? - "Ah no Randy, blue means mint-" MINT IS GREEN- if you planted mint and it came up blue, you would SET that SHIT on FIRE. - "And that's cool! It's cool! it's like ice, it's like water!" Water is clear. The only time water is blue, is when there's billions of tonnes of it and it's all in the one spot. And then it's got all sorts of shit in it, like salt, and SHARKS ... BLUE MEANS SHARKS IN IT! don't eAt iT it'S gOT SHARKS IN IT! You know, when sharks eat people, it's fucked, but it shits me how they immmediately go out and kill the shark like - "awrH it's gONe roGUe. iT's gOnE rOgUE!" No it hasn't, it's just doing what millions of years of evolution have programmed it to do, fucking swim around eating shit. - "yeeeeeeeah but ... ... ... it came into our bit. thIs bit's oUR bit oF tHe ocEAn." No-see that bit there? That big fucking wet bit? That's its bit. This bit here, all of this dry bit here, that you're standing on with your legs, your legs that have evolved to stand on the dry bit, that's your bit. You go into its bit, you're going to get bit. That's the lesson. ... Paddle out next to a seal colony and wiggle your ass around like a slutty little ol' dove, complaining when you get munched. It's that weird disconnect, y'know, it's the same thing as carnism, it's like if I imagine a pig is just a pig, and all pigs are the same, then I can detach what is on my plate from how it got there. It's just how most of us are brought up, y'know. But if you saw someone slit the throat of a Labrador, and then string it upside down to die an excrutiating death just squirming and bleeding out at the end of a steel hook, you'd think it was a bit fucked. How is a pig any different? It's not. It's actually not ... I said that on stage in Rock Hampton, in Queensland about four months ago. I was like, "how is a pig any different?", and a man in the audience yelled out "BACON!". Touché, sir. You win this round. He actually came up to me after the show - I was standing at the merch desk not selling anything - and he-.. I saw him coming from the other side of the room, just this massive dude, like - (stomping noises) - "Ah, you're a large man" and he said - "I was the one that said bacon" - "fucking don't kill me" and he goes - "nah, you alright mate, you alright mate, you alr-" It's the most passive-aggressive Aussie male thing you can say to another- - "naah, you alright mate, you-" It basically means "I wanna punch your fucking head in, but I don't wanna upset me misses. You alright mate." Anyway, he goes to me, - "Mate, you're not gonna make any friends in rock hampton being vegan. Did you know that Rocky is actually the beef capital of Australia-" - "ah fuck I didn't know that" - "-with over two and a half million head of cattle within a two point five k radius of the town centre?" - "fuck I didn't know that either" - "And that is a fair wack of the thirteen million head of cattle in Queensland alone, seventy percent of which is bred purely for export. Few fun facts for ya matey, few fun facts." I said - "thank you sir I did not know any of that" Did you know that, globally, cows produce thirty-eight percent more greenhouse gas than every single car, truck, bus, boat, train, and plane combined each year? That breeding animals for food uses up one third of the planet's fresh water? Takes up fourty-five percent of the earth's surface, and is responsible for a whopping ninety-one percent of amazon destruction, making it the number one leading cause of species extionction, resource consumption, and environmental degradation destroying the planet on a daily basis? FEW FUN FACTS FOR YA MATEY, FEW FUN FACTS FOR YA! Now, I'm aware this is in danger of becoming a TED talk at this point... - "jesus, a lot of statistics, is there gonna be a test?" It's alright, it's fine, I'll read the book, alright? I'll read the book. Not forcing my opinions on you, I'm merely saying them with a microphone, and you're paying for it. LOCK THE DOORS-no, seriously, okay, here we go. Khm. I'm gonna read the book. Y'know we've got McDonald's home delivery now? Does anyone do that? (Audience responds) You... You do? You know you can already get it in your car? You can get it without getting out of your car, but what McDonald's have now done is they've removed the gruelling walk from the front door to the car, so you no longer have to do that humiliating - "BWAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH- WUUUUUUUUUAHHHH! OOOOOOOAAAAARGGHHHH! Now I have to reverend carpool! Oh, God damn you, God damn you -click- MRRRRRRGHHHH! HMMMMMRGHH! MMMMOOUUHHH WHY CANNOT THEY JUST BRING IT TO MEIN HAUS?" Well now they can. I think it's a good thing. Keep the fatties off the streets, STOP 'EM HOGGING UP THE FOOT PATHS, if they wanna eat shit, let them do it in their own home- WHO'S WITH ME? (Audience starts applauding) Don't clap that, it's a horrible thing to say. yoU'RE moNSTerS! ... Okay. You all good Mattie? Sweet. Okay, here we go. Blblblblbl, okay, kh-hm, alright, here we go, buggedabuggedabuggeda, okay. Stop it! Okay ... Do you like my typewriter, by the way? Isn't it beautiful? It's basically here just as a prop, but occasionally I am always tempted to just go ... (humming). Eh? A few "Murder She Wrote" fans in the house? Heyo? Everyone else going - "What? What is that? Sounds like an old person's joke." ... it is! It is! It totally is! Alright. Here we go. Okay, fuck, here we go. Blblblblbl. Walking to Skye, chapter one ... I bought a bookshelf on Gumtree recently, um, it was an amazing experience, I'll quickly tell you about it and then I'll read the book, but- I found it strange, becasue it made me start to think about the way our, like, methods of communication have sort of changed over the years, y'know? In the old days, if you wanted a bookshelf, you'd just go see Gareth the Bookshelf Guy, 'cuz he was the dude in your tribe that made the bookshelves, he had a little bookshelf cave, he was REPUTABLE. Now any mad bastard can sell their shit on Gumtree, you know what I mean? As a species, we're sort of able to cope with knowing and gossiping around like a hundred, or a hundred and fifty people. That's like the limit of our tribe. Any more than that, it starts to get confusing, which is why we created abstract constructs like territories and deities to unite larger groups of people under an imaginary common factor. And it works the trick, because we only really gather en masse on special occasions, but I think like social media and mmmh... It's fucking all that up, y'know? I think we're able to deal with the thousands of people we're connected to on a daily basis, and as a result we neglect our immediate one fifty, y'know? That's why I never get invited to parties anymore. It's not 'cuz I ramble on about veganism and fisting old ladies, it's because I'm not on facebook and everybody just assumes you are. I am so behind on the births, deaths, and marriages of my friends that I feel like the time traveller's wife every time I go to a party, I'm like... - "This is Tim, he's our son, he's six now-" - "Fucking... Didn't even know you were pregnant." Anyway, you know smartphones, aren't they great? You know that, right, they're not, they're not that great, you don't need the internet in your pocket, you work at Cole's, okay? You're not working for the president, you don't need it, you don't need that much information. And also, what was the point of developing opposable thumbs for you to take a photo of your head, post it on the internet, and then just stand by for validation. No-one gives a fuck about your head! They'll only validate it in order to gain permission to post a photo of their own head on the internet and stand by for validation. The people who give a fuck about your head will at some point see it in real life. Fuck your head and the neck it rode in on. Your vanity is sucking up my bandwidth ... Anyway this is what's going through my head as I'm on Gumtree looking for a bookshelf, because- you know when you put something on the... on the... in like... in the search in booktree- in booktree? what the fuck- When you put something in the search on Gumtree - I'm having a stroke up here - When you put something in the search, right, and like, there's always a couple of things that come up in the list that are like the polar opposite of what you searched for, and like "get out of my head gumtree algorithms, CONSPIRACY!"? No but seriously, it's all you type, it's like "bookshelf", and it's all bookshelf, bookshelf, bookshelf, grammophone? Huh. Bookshelf, bookshelf, bookshelf, combine harvester? What the fuck? ... Huh, that's actually a pretty good price. Anyway, on this particular day, I found two bookshelves that worked for me, in terms of cost, and more importantly, geographical convenience, 'cuz I'd be fucked if I'm driving to Broad Meadows to pick up a bookshelf, right? So I type in bookshelf, and I see the two things, and I'm like okay, one seller is Cathy, the other is Morgan. I send them both the same text message, "Hello! I saw your bookshelf on gumtree, is it still available?". Cathy texts back straight away, saying - "sorRRY iT wENt thIS MorNING!" - "That's cool, Cathy, I'm sorry I gave you an annoying voice in the retelling of this story." Morgan's response came through a couple of minutes later, and simply read, - "It was my wife's bookshelf." ... HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT? Aside from the fact that it doesn't answer my fucking question... His use of past tense in that sentence unnerved me slightly. I'm like, aahhh, I should probably just find another bookshelf... And then I noticed he lived in the suburb next to me, so I replied; - "Is it still available?" He responded with the letter Y. Just a Y. Is he asking me why I wanna know if it's still available? Or is it a Y for "yes", and he's so in the throws of grief that he can't manage the E and the S? I assume it's a Y for "yes" and respond, - "Cool! I'll take it. When's a good time to come and pick it up?" No reply for fifteen minutes, I'm like... ah he's forgotten about it, fuck it, I'll find another bookshelf, and then when his reply actually does come through I realize he spent those fifteen minutes crafting his response, because it's a FUCKING THESIS. He must've felt so bad about only using a single consonant in his previous text that he just massively overcompensated with this one. Also, for some reason, felt that the use of punctuation? Entirely unnecessary. So it's just one obscenely long sentence, which reads; - "You must come and pick up now I only have short time here at house and also it wide so bring van or trailer and there's stair but I can help you carry it down stair if you come park out front walk up path ring bell and I will help you carry it to trailer or van I only accept cash and if you do not come now I will sell it someone else" (Shriek) Again I'm thinking, ahhh, I should just find another bookshelf at this point, but now I am FASCINATED by Morgan, and I simply must meet the man. So I drive over to his house- before I left, I sent him a message saying - "Cool, I'll be there in ten minutes" and he replied "ok", but spelled it OK-A-Y which just fascinated me more, that he'll use four letters to spell a two letter word, but only one letter to spell a three letter word, MORGAN IS OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN! And as I'm driving over to his house, I'm trying to picture what he's gonna be like, y'know... His pidgin English might suggest ethnicity of some sort, but I don't wanna racially profile him; Maybe he's an old man who recently lost his wife and is not that very good at texting, or maybe, and I'm really hoping this is the case, Morgan is just batshit crazy. So I get to his house, and I go up to the- ehe, I park out front walk up path ring bell, and I... I brace myself for the door to be opened by like, an old man in a smoking jacket, wearing fishnet stockings and suspenders, just puffing on an opium pipe while a butler just creepily polishes a goldfish in the background, and then a tiny pugdog wearing a fez hat just trots up the hallway, sits on the mat, looks up at me and says "RELCOME TO OUR ROVERY ROME!"... And then the door opens, and I am thoroughly disappointed. Before me stands an average caucasian male in his mid-thirties, dressed casually, hipster sheek, stubble, glasses with designer frames, expensive watch - I immediately think "architect?" but the house is too cheesy for that - it's like a double story doll's house with bay windows - but definitely a designer of some kind? Maybe a graphic designer? He's too skinny for manual labour, but he's too hip for the public sector, BUT THIS CAN'T BE MORGAN. Because Morgan's text messages would suggest that he's not that technically savvy, and then the man standing in front of me says - "Hello my name is Morgan" AND THE PLOT THICKENS! He invites me in, shakes my hand, closes the door, and twenty minutes later, I will be witnessing Morgan perform some of the most aggressive acts of violence I've ever seen in my life, and I will be speeding away in my car bleeding from the face. Here's how this shit went down... I go into the house, and I notice two things immediately; One, this is a house in the throws of renovation. Nothing too extreme, but there's like drop sheets on all the furniture, there's freshly painted walls, there's a bathtub wrapped in plastic in the hallway, awaiting installation- someone's doing some work on this house. The second thing I notice, on the way up the stairs to the second floor, on the first floor landing, is a wedding photograph featuring a very cleanly shaven Morgan with a very beautiful bride. Very much in love! The photograph is very much on the floor, and the glass in the frame is very much smashed. She's not dead, she's left him, and THE PLOT THICKENS A BIT MORE FOR MORGAN! And as Morgan unceremoniously like, kicks the photo frame to one side on the way up the stairs, I really wanted to pry into Morgan's life and ask heaps of inappropriate questions... But he was clearly a broken man. He had this terrible air of sadness around him, so I didn't wanna intrude. Luckily for me, though, I didn't have to, because Morgan immediately began oversharing and told me the whole fucking story aaAAAH! Thank you Morgan! I shall hang off your every word and then retell your tale to two hundred strangers and record it for a fucking DVD! He IS a graphic designer -YES!- and he's really good at it. He does like massive rebranding campaigns for large corporations, he gets flown all over the world doing this shit, right? About four years ago, a woman hired Morgan to rebrand her florist business, and he did such a great job she married him. And he thought everything was just fine, until about three months ago. Morgan had to do a presentation in Sydney, right? But he was on his way home from overseas and got stuck in Dubai due to a flight cancellation, so rather than cancel the meeting, Morgan suggested to these businessmen in Sydney that they do a Skype chat, because he's so technologically savvy, despite his fucking baffling text message style. So Morgan checks into a hotel, cracks open his laptop, and starts skyping with this room full of businessmen in Sydney, who are all watching Morgan on a massive screen on their boardroom wall, right? And everything's going great, Morgan is totally nailing it, until about halfway through; He realizes that a file he wants to show these dudes is on the desktop of his home computer back in his home office in Melbourne. And he decides to live share the desktop of his home computer on the Skype chat. He knows how to do that, he can remote control his computer from anywhere in the world, it's not particularly new technology, but Morgan makes it sound so impressive. So this room full of businessmen are all watching keenly, like - "OOAHP! MARGARET, BRING IN SOME BISCUITS, THERE'S SOME NEW-FANGLED SHIT GOING ON IN HERE!!!" as Morgan clicks a few buttons and (click) brings up the desktop of his home computer on the Skype chat. Now, what Morgan doesn't realize is that his wife has been using the "Photobooth" app on that particular computer to take pictures of herself. To take naked pictures of herself. To take naked pictures of herself... doing some pretty fucked up shit. It's embarassing, to say the least, just as Margaret came back in with the biscuits- - "I've got you the b-WHUIEAAAAURRRHHH!!!" Now, those of you who are familiar with the Photobooth app will know that how it works, is it accesses the built-in camera in your computer and with the click of a button, (click) takes a photo of you when you're standing in front of your screen. And if you know that, you also know that if you leave that application open, the camera also stays open, witnessing whatever may be happening in front of the computer, in real time. Such as your wife, in your home office, fucking your best mate. OOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOORGANNNN... Nooooo... Morgan then goes on to tell me she's keeping the house, his former best mate is moving in, and while they're out for the day shopping for fittings, Morgan must suffer the indignity of moving his shit out, and selling the stuff they don't want on Gumtree to this guy. Ahhh... It's at this point of the story that Morgan starts crying, he breaks down, and I do not blame the man, it's fucking horrible and I just wanna give him a big hug and say "Everything's gonna be alright, Morgan", but I am holding the full weight of a BOOKSHELF halfway down a set of STAIRS and Morgan is the only thing stopping that bookshelf from caving my face in- I was like, MORGAN! MMMMORGAN! And Morgan managed to pull himself together ... for about eight seconds? And then just went BAHHH and let the bookshelf go. I fell backwards, it literally rolled over me, and took out the light hanging above the staircase, I'm now lying on my back getting showered in broken glass, as the bookshelf turned end over end and just went FONK right through a freshly painted wall at the bottom of the stairs. I'm like, AAH. aaAAAh. aaAAAAAAhhh. aaAAAAAHHH. I've got a tiny cut on my forehead which is just pissing blood, for some reason - apart from that, I'm fine. Morgan, however - he's not fine! Morgan is the opposite of fine. Something happened when the bookshelf lodged itself in the wall and his sadness just (click) went away in a second, and he started PISSING HIMSELF laughing. Hysterical. And he had the creepiest laugh I've ever heard in my life- I'm standing there like "this is weird" and he's like "mwhueHUEUEEUEUEUE! mhhwuEUEUEUE!" like some sort of demonically possessed baritone cookaburra, - "mwhueEUUEUEE, a-HOGUGUGUGAGAGAGA!" - "Um... Uh..." - "mwueEUEUUEUEUE" - "can I still have the bookshelf?" - "yuuEEEEAAH" We extract it from the wall - the bookshelf, incidentally, showing no sign of having just rolled down a staircase and smashed through a wall. We carry it out to my car- we had to stop about six times, 'cuz Morgan was like - "Hang on a minute, mwueHUEUEUEUEUEE" We got it to my car, put it on the trailer, and Morgan was in such a great mood he let me have the bookshelf for free. Ohh! Hahaha... Mm... And that's where the story SHOULD end. But there was something about the bookshelf going through the wall that flipped a fucking switch in Morgan's head, and he is now hungry for more destruction. So as I started tying the bookshelf down to my trailer, Morgan just strolls over to like an upright mailbox on the front lawn and just starts trying to wrench it out of the ground. Really putting his back into it. I'm like, "are you okay buddy" and he's like "YEAP" (struggling) HUAH! He pulls it out of the ground whereupon he wields it like a fucking battleaxe and just starts smashing up the front garden, just beheading the daisies, fucking up the lavender... I'm like, "uhh, hey Morgan, maybe you wanna stop and think about that" and he whirled around and looked at me like Jack Nicolson chasing Shelly Duvalle up the stairs in the shining and said - "WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS?" ... yep, yep, cool, man, yep, yep... Now, I like tying knots. I'm quite good at tying knots if I tie something down I take my time because I want it to stay there... But as Morgan nonchalantly strolled up the driveway, rolled up the garage door, and put the mailbox through the windscreen of an Audi!? I must admit, I kind of rushed my knot tying job. I got in my car, I'm about to drive off, I'm like, looking at the house going "ah, I'm sure he'll be fine" and then an armchair smashed out of an upstairs window and just went DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK down the front lawn. I was like "... what's my duty of care in this situation?". I didn't want to call the cops on him, I didn't want him to trash the house, I'm like - "daw fuck I'm gonna have to talk to Morgan" So I got out, I walked up the driveway shitting myself- you know when someone does something really violent and you're just like "ah, fuck, we're not supposed to do shit like that!"? Yucky, just yucky feeling in my tum-tum- and I'm standing there, standing there in the garage and there's like an adjoining door in the garage that leads into the house. I can see in through the door into the house, up the staircase, it's like a wooden staircase, and I'm standing in the garage just going - "ah fuck..." (gulp) "morgaaaan. Morgaaaan!" Like I was calling a cat for its dinner? "Morgan! Moggie-moggie-moggie-moggie-moggie!" And then I notice a small trickle of water start to come from the top step. And then a little bit more water, and then QUITE A LOT OF WATER, just pissing down the stairs like shitty water feature, I'm like "aw that can't be right" and then Morgan appeared on the top step holding a hammer like this: - "BAAAH!" (jumps out) I was like - "WOAH!" and he's like - "mwhuEUEUEUE" Starts running at me wielding the hammer, like "UEUEUEUE", I'm like "aw no no I just wanted to buy a bookshelf..." he's like "UEUEUEUEUEUE-.. RRAH!" runs straight past me, I'm like - "Where are you going?" he's like - "UEEEH!" made a beeline for my car, I'm like - "NO, MAN! STOP!" he's like - "UEUEUEUEUUEUE" - "STOP IT! JUST STOP!" He spins around and goes - "I just checked my phone, she texted me fifteen minutes ago saying she'll be here in fifteen minutes, WE'RE GONNA GO!" and gets into my car! - "fucking... jesus... fuck me" I run down the lawn, get in the driver's seat, I'm like - "What was with the water?" he goes - "Ah, I put plugs in all of the sinks and turned all the taps on!" I'm like - "Oh that's fucked" He's like - "JUST DRIVE!" I was like - "AAH!" I took off so quick, rounded the corner of his street, and the bookshelf just went "mrrreeUUWh-BOOSH" and exploded against the guard rail, just exploded in a shower of badly tied knots and broken dreams... So me and Morgan just fucking left it there, like a little breadcrumb for his ex wife to find on the way home to her destroyed gingerbread house. I dropped Morgan at a train station. I have never seen him again. And that, my friends, is why I no longer shop on Gumtree. Thank you very much! Thank you very much. (Applause) Haha, ah, fuck... You know my favourite bit of that story? I just made it up. Yes, not true. There is no Morgan. MMMH! It's very unsatisfying, isn't it? - "But I saw him in my head. I saw Morgan in my head." ... ... ... Why is it we can feel so robbed when someone tells us a story we just heard isn't true, and yet so satisfied at the end of a fictional novel? Y'know? You know that? ... You know the other great thing about that story? First draft. FUCK YOU HEMINGWAY! ... (sigh) Can't end on that, can I? - "Those LIES? WE DID NOT COME HERE TO BE HOODWINKED, SIR!" The truth, eh? ... The truth is, I'm... I'm not an exceptional person, y'know? Nothing interesting really ever happens to me, I'm massively flawed, and I think I'm quite forgettable, if I'm being a hundred percent honest. And this isn't the shit bit at the end of the show where I get on the cross, I'm like "lOve mE on the wAY OUt thE doOr". It's not that, it's just that I don't think- on a scale from one to memorable, I'm not that memorable. Not on like the Morgan sort of scale, not on the Ernest Hemingway scale, certainly, y'know... But if I tell a great story, maybe people will remember that instead. Remember the card trick and just... pretend that they don't know how it's done, y'know? ... But must we leave a legacy? MUST we make an impact? Do we HAVE TO leave a footprint? Is it okay to just settle, seek safety, nest, y'know? Or must we constantly shake our lives up, or suffer the indiscriminate cruelty of having it shaken against our will? Must we try to carve a path through the tall grass, feeling as though no-one has ever felt how we feel? Terrified at what may be lurking low in the grass on either side of us, but just pressing ever on with that paleolithic instinct deep within our chromosomes that the only way is forward, that you HAVE TO keep going? That eventually you'll stumble upon the edge of the field, hitch a ride from a passing car, and meet up with the rest of the gang for tea and sandwiches at the old town hall? ... (deep breath) Do we feel like the path that we are carving through the grass is all our own? Only to finally float above the field with the sweet relief of expiration and realize that the field is insignificantly miniscule in size, and that there's only one path through the grass - the exact same one that every human has trod before us will ever after, just stumbling blindly along a tiny hyphen between the words "birth" and "death". And when reduced to that level of crisp simplicity, fear cannot exist ... So. (pausing, readying) Phew. Walking to Skye, chapter one: (Blackout) (Applause and credits)

[supposed2bfunny]

2doc Week Day 5- Vacation

Rating: T+

Warnings: Mentions of sex and drugs/drug addiction 

“Can I be honest?” Stu asked, licking spicy red sauce off his fingers as he passed what remained of his bomba to Murdoc.

“Uh-oh,” the bassist looked at him wearily as they wandered through Parc Güell. “Here it comes.”

“Relax. I was just going to say, I’m surprised. I wouldn’t have thought Barcelona would be your first choice.”

Murdoc chewed the last bites of the potato croquette and tossed the empty container in a nearby trashcan. “Well, it was this time around. You chose Jamaica for our anniversary, I chose Spain for the anniversary of, erm, ‘D-Day.’” He tapped a finger against the singer’s temple playfully, looking into his black eyes, the result of an act of stupidity that had happened over two decades ago that they had celebrated every since.

“It was a good choice,” the singer confessed. “The castle was really cool, and I didn’t really understand most of that Dalí museum, but it was colorful. The food’s been great and the beaches in Spain are always wonderful.”

“And look at that view,” Murdoc exclaimed, sitting down on the mosaic-covered bench to point at a particularly stunning vista of the city. “You can’t beat that!”

“Yeah, that’s pretty, for sure.”

“Get in the shot, Stu, let’s get another picture for Twitter!”

“Murdoc, you’ve posted like two hundred pictures of me today alone; your followers are going to hate you!”

“Half of ‘em already do, bluebird,” he quipped with a smirk, merrily snapping away regardless of his boyfriend’s protests.

“Okay, fine, but I want a picture of the two of us,” he said after a few poses. He approached the man on the bench, reaching for his phone. “Can you figure out how to flip the camera or do you need me to—”

“I know how to get it to Selfie Mode, mate, I’m not that old!”

“Did you just call the front-facing camera ‘Selfie Mode?’”

Murdoc glared, but only for a moment, because then Stu was guiding his hand so that the angle was perfect: a shot of the two of them, cheek-to-cheek and giddy, and a view of the city behind them. They snapped one picture, two. Murdoc turned, kissed Stu’s cheek (the picture would become his home screen approximately two minutes later), then licked his cheek, earning a squeal.

“Don’t be gross when we’re in a public park!”

“Honestly, Stu, I’ve never heard such a boring string of words come out of your mouth,” he teased.

“You avoided my question,” the singer complained as they continued their walk.

“Which was?”

“Why Spain? I love it. I’m not complaining. I’ll definitely want to do this again. But why?”

Murdoc looked around, watching a small guided tour weave its way through the park, watching vacationing families with matching shirts, watching young couples, presumably on honeymoons. It was strange to observe all these people; somehow when he took trips alone with Stu, it often felt like the two of them had the world together in spite of crowds.

“We came here to promote Demon Days,” he finally said.

“Yeah. I remember that. We traveled all over Europe to promote that,” he replied.

“But it was here, in Barcelona that we started hooking up.”

Stuart slowed down then, watching the bassist carefully and struggling to remember. Those early days were a blur for him. His attempts to balance medications to keep the migraines at bay during their debut album had turned into a dangerous addiction by the second album, and whole weeks were often gone from his memory, sounding fresh when one of his bandmates would bring up a party or an interview that he couldn’t recall being present for.

“I think I remember that…we were in the hotel by the water, right? So we stayed here more than a day...”

“We were scheduled to be here four days, three nights,” Murdoc helped him out, pausing to purchase some bottled water from a cart as the heat of the day wore on. “You and I stayed an extra two days.”

Stu furrowed his brow. “Why?”

Murdoc took a sip of water, passed the bottle to the younger man. “Because you and I spent almost the entirety of the trip in my hotel room, bluebird.”

Just like that, an image of the hotel’s interior jogged his memory, and he could remember kissing Murdoc feverishly in the elevator, breaking apart when they stopped on a floor to pick up a large family before finally making it to their own floor. He could remember the master bathroom in Murdoc’s hotel suite, and taking a shower with the bassist in there. He could remember ordering room service when they were famished from their activities, and he distinctly remembered them sharing a plate of cheeses, olives, and fruit, feeding each other and giggling and kissing like lovesick teenagers.

“Oh my god,” he exclaimed. “Yeah! Now I remember! That trip was amazing! We stayed an extra two days to fuck more, not to see the sights. We went the to the beach like, once that whole time we were here.”

“Yeah,” Murdoc agreed, giving him a strange look. “I think about that trip a lot.”

“Why? Why Barcelona specifically?”

Murdoc stopped at the top of a staircase to take a few pictures of one of the dozens of Gaudí sculptures (and also to catch his breath, Stu assumed, given the rapid rise and fall of his shoulders). “Because on that trip, that’s when I realized that you were it.”

The singer stepped a little closer, letting his arm bump the older man’s. It was making his head spin to think about how close they had been, yet how emotionally distant they still were all those years ago. “Speak up, Muds,” he implored. “I want to understand.”

With a sigh, the bassist turned to look at him, clearly a little embarrassed. “Watching you sleep in the mornings when the sun rose, spending that much time with you. Mate, I knew it then. That I was never going to feel as strongly about anyone else in the world as I did about you. I knew you were the only one I would ever love.”

Stu felt his mouth go dry despite the water bottle he had been guzzling. “Oh…”

“I know,” he added quickly, “I didn’t say anything to you, so obviously nothing came of it. Not right then, anyway. I was too scared to put myself in a position like that. Especially back then! My old man was still alive, I wasn’t on meds so the hallucinations were still fucking commonplace, and also…” he let his arms drop to his sides as he looked out at the spires and palm trees wistfully.

“Go on, lovely thing.”

“I assumed that you felt it too,” he said, sounding so sad that the singer hooked an arm around his waist and pulled him close despite the hot sun. “I thought you could feel what I was feeling, so when we left Spain and continued traveling through Europe and you went back to shagging birds and acting like nothing had happened…”

“It’s all coming back to me,” he admitted. “You were insufferable after that trip. Oh god, the next few weeks, you gave me and everyone around you absolute hell. I didn’t realize you were acting out because you were frustrated with me. Muds, if you’d just told me how you felt—”

“It doesn’t matter!” he snapped. “It’s all in the past. I got a taste of what it was like to hold you for a night without all the commitment crap. Anyway, we couldn’t stay apart for long, could we?”

“We hooked up again as soon as we were back at Kong,” the singer agreed with a smile. “And all through the music video shoots. We couldn’t keep away from one another.”

“It was only a matter of time before you returned my feelings,” Murdoc joked.

“Maybe in time, you’ll want to be mine.”

“That’s it.” He agreed quietly.

A soft wind blew, and Stu brushed his bangs out of his face, brow furrowed in thought. “I never realized,” he confessed. “I thought you hated me back then, Muds.”

“I never hated you, you daft twat. Only resented you a tad. The sun might be hot in the middle of the day, burns and makes us sweat and complain, but we need it so we can snap shots like this for Instagram,” he broke away to take a picture of some flowers, leaving Stu to contemplate the metaphor that he had very intentionally cut short.

“Well, I’m sorry your first trip to Barcelona didn’t work out the way you wanted,” he said. He walked up behind the bassist, so when Murdoc turned around, he was right there, tall enough to block out the sun, dark eyes fixed on the older man. “But I hope this trip makes up for it.”

He had intended to kiss his boyfriend then, but it felt too aggressive given the history that they shared in the city, too much like something that he would have done when he was younger and wilder and always carrying switchblades around for no good reason. Instead, he took Murdoc’s hand and kissed it. They were in a country filled with castles; let him act like a prince for once in his life.

It did the trick, because Murdoc’s eyebrows shot up behind his fringe and he sputtered uselessly, too flustered for words for a shocking five, ten, fifteen seconds.

“You incorrigible sap,” he finally managed. Quite mild as far as Murdoc Insults went.

“That’s me,” he replied with a grin, and Murdoc was already lacing their fingers together, guiding them out of the park and to their next destination in the city. “Thank you for telling me all that. Makes me all the more eager to savor every second of time with you now.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grunted, “Don’t be too cheesy or I’ll toss you into one of the fountains.”

Stu laughed. “Fine. Where are you taking me next?”

“First, lets get some ice cold cervezas. Then, I’m thinking a siesta before we hit the beach.”

“Sounds perfect. Y’know, you’re actually quite good at planning these tips, Muds.”

“Of course I am,” Murdoc replied, swinging their hands between them as they walked, uncharacteristically playful. “I’ve been planning how I would woo you since the first time we stepped foot in this city, mi corazón!”

[beerthebard]

beer throckmorton & family as bdg quotes

(specifically unraveled quotes)

(specifically specifically unraveled season 1 quotes)

“he just goes and hangs out with his pirate friends” - beer hanging out with rum and ale

“he does this thing and then he goes sailing and then he crashes and has a dream and then dies in the ocean” - rum

“instead of having an existential crisis and then going to have to save the world from a moon, or having an existential crisis and hanging out with pirates, he just really gets into fashion” - weed

“that’s right! it’s darkness, baybey!” - beer describing his sister vodka

“what is he gonna do for the rest of his life? i’ll tell you what he does. he go-karts and fights people. for sport.” - weed

“i swear to god, if i get one ‘well, actually’ comment...” - wine

“history’s so BORINGGGGGG. UGHHH-” - beer

“i don’t give two shits about a king who lost a war 700 years ago! *snoring noises* GET OUTTA HERE!”

wine, reading to her brother: “they parted, and each went home to his own colony.” beer, having sat through 4 consecutive history lessons from his twin sister: “RIVETING.”

“everyone knows. that poetry and theatre. are meant to be seen. and not read... and you have NO idea how much it pains me that i DO not have time to do staged readings of all of these oh my GOD i would’ve loved that.” - beer

“who DOESN’T love a little erotic lizard fiction?”

beer abt the assassin he has a crush on: “there’s no way you can manage to maintain that level of erotic tension for seven acts.”

beer and his assassin boyf: *the entire staged reading of “the sultry argonian bard”*

“why the FUCK is he a top” - beer’s assassin crush abt beer

*gesturing to a picture of Garbage Man* “it’s me” - beer

“here’s a good rule of thumb: magicians are always evil” - beer abt vodka

“technically not murder. DEFINITELY BAD!” - beer abt his assassin boyf

“humans are trash” - every member of the throckmorton family abt their father

“this is what man has wrought... you will see these men in your nightmares.” - beer’s entire family descending upon their father

“we all know that dracula is hot. we all know that richter belmont is hot.” - beer

beer: “that’s right! we’ve narrowed it down to 69 monsters! can i get a WOOP!” bliss: “WOOP!” kiara, notorious asexual: “woo,” beer: “we’ll work on it”

“Oh God I Gotta Have Another Baby” - beer’s mother

“and, i just think we need to start thinking of new jersey in general as sexier.” - beer

“i got nothin for ya. if you’re not attracted to this, you’re wrong” - beer talking abt his crush

“if someone comes up to me and introduces themselves as Duke Mirage, my pants are already off” - beer

“it’s not their fault, they didn’t choose to be born! who does. choose to be born, right? who chooses...” - beer’s whole lineage of siblings

“am i safe to smash?” - beer any time he’s faced with a moderately attractive person or enemy

“pop some earplugs in!” - anyone listening to beer’s music, ever

“i couldn’t give a shit about death” - the throckmorton family

“just LET ME GAME, MOM” - weed @ their mother, beer’s aunt

“again, i could not categorize that, but i know he shouldn’t have been there!” - anyone who sees beer at any public gathering

*sung* “should auld acquaintance be forgot and all thaaaaaat jjaaaaaaaazzzzzzz~” - beer

“nobody wants to hear my opinion. which is why i am not STATING AN OPINION. I AM STATING A FACT.” - wine

“they called me a fool! but do i look like a fool to you?!” *proceeds to look like a fool* - beer and weed

“OH MY GOD THAT IS SO HOT. OHHHHH MY GOD-” - beer abt his crush

“hello friends. i’d like to take a moment to apologize for my recent outburst.” - beer after doing literally anything

“once you’ve got that boy under your possession, time to get real into unethical science~!” - vodka and/or wine

“and now that you’re jazzed and ready to go! time to fail.” - beer and his party

“and then you fail again.”

“unfortunately, even the military hierarchy is not insulated from nepotism” - beer explaining why his family is so spread across the continent

“despite what he has written in his memoirs, he’s never been on active duty, and he’s a valor stealing bastard.” - the throckmortons talking about their father

“and the chill bully, who is exactly like the bully, except he’ll kinda go easy on you if he can tell you’re having a rough day.” - beer describing whiskey

“is a living Bowser, Wet Bowser?” - beer talking about himself (bc he’s constantly horny)

beer, rum, and ale: *singing In The Navy*

“next we’ve got the Bros.” - beer & his brothers

beer: *is Smolderin’ Stu*

beer: *sings We Are The Toads as a jester for the royalty so that war stops being a thing*

[alvertesongdiary]

Cardi B, Bad Bunny & J Balvin - I Like It

[Intro:] Yeah baby, I like it like that You gotta believe me when I tell you I said I like it like that You gotta believe me when I tell you I said I like it like

[Cardi B:] Now I like dollars, I like diamonds, I like stunting, I like shining I like million dollar deals, where's my pen? Bitch I'm signin' I like those Balenciagas, the ones that look like socks I like going to the jeweler, I put rocks all in my watch I like texts from my exes when they want a second chance I like proving niggas wrong, I do what they say I can't They call me Cardi Bardi, banging body Spicy mami, hot tamale Hotter than a Somali, fur coat, Ferrari Hop out the stu', jump in the coupe (the coupe) They trippin' on top of the roof Flexing on bitches as hard as I can Eating halal, driving the Lam' Told that bitch I'm sorry though 'Bout my coins like Mario (Mario) Yeah they call me Cardi B, I run this shit like cardio Oh, damn

Diamond district in the jag (I said I like it like that) Certified, know I'm gang, gang, gang, gang (I said I like it like–) Drop the top and blow the brains (I said I like it like that) Oh he's so handsome, what's his name? (I said I like it) Oh I need the dollars (I said I like it like that) Beat it up like piñatas (I said I like it like–) Tell the driver, close the curtains (I said I like it like that) Bad bitch make him nervous (I said I like it) Cardi B

[Bad Bunny:] Chambean, chambean, pero no jalan (¡jalan!) Tú compras to'a las Jordan, bobo, a mí me las regalan (jejeje) I spend in the club (wuh), what you have in the bank (yeh) This is the new religion, bang, en Latino gang, gang, yeh Trato de hacer dieta (yeh), pero es que en el closet tengo mucha grasa (wuh) Ya mude la Gucci pa' dentro de casa, yeh (¡wuh!) Cabrón, a ti no te conocen ni en Plaza (no) El Diablo me llama pero Jesucristo me abraza (amén) Guerrero como Eddie, que viva la raza, yeh Me gustan boricuas, me gustan cubanas Me gusta el acento de las colombianas (¿qué hubo pues?) Como mueve el culo la dominicana (¿qué lo que?) Lo rico que me chingan las venezolanas (¡wuh!) Andamos activos, Perico Pin Pin (woo) Billetes de cien en el maletín (ching) Que retumbe el bajo, Bobby Valentin, yeh (boo) Aquí es prohibido amar, diles Charytín Que pa'l picor les tengo Claritin Yo llego a la disco y se forma el motín (rrr)

[Cardi B:] Diamond district in the jag (I said I like it like that) [Bad Bunny:] Bad Bunny, baby, be, be, be, be [Cardi B:] Certified, know I'm gang, gang, gang, gang (I said I like it like–) Drop the top and blow the brains (I said I like it like that) Oh he's so handsome, what's his name? (I said I like it) Oh I need the dollars (I said I like it like that) Beat it up like piñatas (I said I like it like–) Tell the driver, close the curtains (I said I like it like that) Bad bitch make you nervous (I said I like it)

[J Balvin:] Como Celia Cruz tengo el azúcar (azúca') Tu jeva me vio y se fue de pecho como Jimmy Snuka (ah) Te vamos a tumbar la peluca Y arranca pa'l carajo cabrón, que a ti no te vo'a pasar la hookah (hookah, hookah) Mis tenis Balenciaga, me reciben en la entrada (woo) Pa-pa-pa-pa-razzi, like I'm Lady Gaga (woo) Y no te me hagas (ey) Que en cover de Billboard tú has visto mi cara (ey) No salgo de tu mente Donde quieras que viajes has escuchado "Mi Gente" Yo no soy high (high), soy como el Testarossa ('rossa) Yo soy el que se la vive y también el que la goza (goza, goza) Es la cosa, mami es la cosa (cosa, cosa) El que mira sufre y el que toca goza (goza, goza)

[J Balvin (Cardi B):] I said I like it like that (I said I like it like that) I said I like it like that (I said I like it like that)

[Cardi B:] Diamond district in the jag (I said I like it like that) Certified, you know I'm gang (I said I like it) Drop the top and blow the brains (I said I like it like that) Oh he's so handsome, what's his name? (I said I like it)

16/08/2018

[humanityinahandbag]

Exposure

Going Up

Judy hadn’t known what to expect from life. But timelines are as uncertain as bridges to the stars, and she’s prepared to see where this one takes her. Almost. As long as he’s there with her.

I was going to make this platonic, but then I remembered that you loved Wildehopps, and I couldn’t deny you that.

But if you want the same prompt with a platonic plot, let me know!

She’s never had exposure to love. Real love. Not quite true- truth in itself was, by definition; accurate or exact. And they were neither of those things. Nick was sometimes too terse and she was sometimes too hopeful and they were a grab bag of will they won’t they and there wasn’t anything remotely true about the reality of them.

But it was honest and it was good, and she tentatively sidled into it with as much reserve as could be spared.

She asks him out. Tapping her feet on the underside of the dashboard and trying not to fiddle too badly with her radio. “Nick?”

He takes a left turn down fifth street and lets the wheel slide back through his paws. “Hmm?”

“Do you think you’d want to, uh…” tap tap tap go her feet- “we’ve been partners for a while.”

“One year,” he recounts almost lazily, his voice a twinge of summer days and sweet tea. “Or is it one and a half?”

“One and a quarter.”

“Tomato tomato.” He twists his head to give her that smirk. The one that always has her stomach in knots. Smirk number three out of his six smirk arsenal. “Why? You planning a party?”

“No. Uh- actually.” fiddle fiddle fiddle went her fingers- “I wanted to see what you’d think if I uh… asked you out?” A bunny of action was she, and beating around bushes had never been her specialty. Her arm was strong, but her morals were far too large to carry about sticks.

The silence after that is almost nauseating.

Nick is quiet. Taking the next right. Judy feels like she might vomit. Sorry, she wants to scream. God, she wants to barrel roll right out of their cruiser and duck into the sewers. Maybe she could live there forever! Become a hermit! Answer only to the call of the wild and tell no one about the mortifying moment where she asked her partner out in their cruiser.

Or… she could just be a big bunny, apologize, and then get home and bawl out her eyes the way she had at senior prom after she’d caught her date playing tonsil hockey with Jenny Clover.

“Nick-” she starts, her speech prepared with the twang of last words on her tongue-

“You know, Carrots, I ain’t a cheap date. Diamonds and flowers are all that really woo me. But if you’re willing to take a shot…”

The only thing that breaks her of her complete shock is smirk number five, and then she has to use every fiber in her tiny body to keep herself from throwing said tiny body across the dash and onto him. But she does well. Acadamy life trained her for this. And she sits in her seat, and gives a little wiggle of pleasure.

“I was thinking that Vegan place?”

“Sounds good.” He takes another right. “And I expect flowers.”

She brings him a bundle of petunias and he laces one through his lapel.

He’s never had the experience of meeting the parents, but here he is, sitting across from the both of her parents (who look like what he’d see on an honest to goodness How To Farm For Dummies instruction manual) and he is at a loss for everything.

“So… Nick…” Stu fiddles with the knife in front of him and Nick can see where Judy gets that habit from. “You uh… our daughter mentioned before that you were… different-”

“Stu!”

“Dad!”

Nick thinks he might actually be sick.

“What! He is! He’s a fox!” They opted out of eating at a restaurant, and Nick can see the advantage. At least the privacy of his home was of some comfort. He could duck out the fire escape and no one would be the wiser. “I’m not sayin’ it’s a bad thing!”

“Dad! Stop!”

Bonnie presses the heel of her hand to her brow and blows out a tropical storm. “Honestly, Stu.” She reaches across the table, taking Nick’s larger hands in her own. “Nicholas. We just thought it would be good to meet you. Our daughter’s gone through a lot and-”

“Mom!” Judy’s face is pink and red all at once, and she’s mirroring her father, fingers fiddling with the cloth napkins that Nick had taken out specifically for this occasion. “This isn’t ancient times, I can actually date someone without your approval!”

“I’m not saying you can’t hon bun. I just want to make sure that Nicholas here, I can call you that, can’t I?”

“Uh… yes ma’am?”

“Nicholas here is taking care of you.” Bonnie caught his eyes. “This isn’t a kind world, Nick, as I’m sure you’re well aware. And this isn’t a kind city.” The fox can suddenly see why she’s got as many kids as she does and is still standing. The woman was nothing short of a matriarch, and Nick wonders just how much strength she can fit in her denim clad body.

“I know, ma’am.”

“But my daughter is kind, Nick. You understand?”

And he does. Because this world could split in two, and Judy would still find a way to grapple a path to the stars, just for him.

He nods.

Bonnie smiles. “He’s a good one,” she tells her daughter, still holding tight to Nick’s hands. “Keep him.”

“Mom.”

Nick feels exponentially lucky.

They eat blueberry pie for dessert straight from the farm. And after, Nick and Stu head to the living room and scream at the screen, and Nick finds out that her father is a Lions fan, which is about as close to treason as it could get, but apparently in the country anyone who was a Panthers fan was practically trash and four beers later he and Mr. Hopps are getting on fine.

“Anytime, Nick,” he says, slapping the fox on the back.

Mrs. Hopps gives him a tight hug on the way out, and he responds in kind. “She’s kind,” Mrs. Hopps says quietly next to his ear. “But so are you.”

And then they leave.

“Well… that went… well…”

Nick agrees. 

He shows her how lucky he is later, pulling her away from the sink (”Nick, your hands are sudsy!” - “As if you’re any better.”) and dragging her into the bedroom.

The world had one Judy Hopps, and he’d wound up with her.

Judy has never had this much exposure to change. But here she is. Changing. First, it’s moving all her things to his apartment. Then it’s watching their home grow. And then, picture by picture on the wall, they become something kind and simple and good.

And then;

“Let’s have a baby.”

He says it, but it’s a question, and she can hear it there, somewhere between his teeth.

“What?” She looks up over her book.

“I said, let’s have a baby?” Ah. The question. There it was.

She puts down her book. “We’re not even married.”

“So?”

“So… shouldn’t we get married, first?”

Nick smiles wide. “Are you asking me to marry you, Mrs. Hopps!”

“It’s Ms.” She picks up her book again. “And maybe.”

They get married in the courthouse the next day.

             Things are good.

                                  So good.

                                                      (Too good)

She’s never had this much exposure to sadness. But here it is. And it slits her belly open and says nothing to the hole inside.

“I’m sorry,” says the specialist over the phone. “It just… won’t work.”

Nick comes home to her on the floor of the bathroom. Two tissue boxes are used up, and the second one had been thrown at the door hard enough to dent the cardboard.

He doesn’t ask.

He knows.

“I’m sorry,” says Nick.

“Don’t be,” says Judy.

They hold one another like that until the sun finally goes down. And when it does, Nick says, “we’ll find something.”

“Nick?”

“You’re too kind.” He wipes his eyes. Wipes hers. “You’re too kind not to love something that much.”

“I love you that much.”

He knows she does. That bridge to the stars is still incomplete but she never stops building it. For him. But…

“That’s not what I mean.”

She leans against the cracked tile and breaks. “I know.”

She’s never been exposed to this much grief before.

But neither has he. 

They share it, and that makes it a little easier.

Mrs. Wilde comes over one weekend and brings a casserole with her. “Judy,” she says, and her voice is as warm as the pot she pushes into the rabbit’s paws. “I’m so sorry, darling.”

“We’re… handling it.” She puts the pot down and hugs her mother-in-law. The woman smells like Nick without all his awful cologne.

“Foxes rarely have many children,” the mother explains once they pull back. “Nick was my only, and I was glad to have him. I couldn’t imagine not…”

“Yeah.” A laugh, a little bitter. A little sour. “My mother has a couple more.”

They drink wine on the small patio until Nick gets back and pours a generous glass for himself. “I still expect grandchildren,” his mother says after a time, finishing off her second glass of red.

“Mom… we can’t. It’s not possible.”

“Still.” She stands up and brushes off her dress. “I was exposed to a house of little feet.” She slides open the door. “Come on. There’s casserole, and I won’t let it go to waste.” 

They lie in bed after it’s all over and done with. “Nick?” Judy hisses through the dark.

“Hmm?”

“Your mother’s right.”

He flicks on the light by his side of the bed. “What?”

“I said-”

“I know what you said.”

“I just think… it would be good for us! You know. I want a kit.”

“I do too, but-”

“No.” She shakes her head. “You’re a flowers and diamonds kind of guy, remember? Well, you’re not getting any less. And neither am I.”

The bridge to the stars is making good progress, and as he pulls her to him, teeth clicking, hands rushing to fill in the gaps, he can feel the security of a constellation overhead.

She is kindness, and he will fall for her all over again.

She’s never had this much exposure to love.

Not when they’ve gone through agency after agency. Turned away because of their “life choices”. Because the fox sitting beside her was something to hate. Because Nick was too damn kind, too damn finished, to ever do anything but accept.

She was done accepting. So she made some calls.

“Hey, Nick?” she’ll ask him in the cruiser. Her feet tap on the bottom of the dash. Her fingers fiddle at the buttons.

“Hmm?”

He takes a left onto Seventh Avenue.

“So I made some calls…”

“Hmmm…” he says again, tapping the wheel.

“How would you feel about a little boy?”

This time, it’s Nick who has to keep himself from throwing the weight of him across the dash. And he doesn’t do a good job at that.

They name him Rigel. Well… she doesn’t. He does, really. Nick pointed out, from fifth-grade astronomy, that it was the brightest star in Orion’s belt. And it had some meaning. To him, at least.

Judy had wrinkled her nose. “You want to name our son Rigel?”

“You don’t like it?”

“I don’t not like it. It’s just a little…” she flounders. “I don’t know… Crunchy granola?”

“We can pick another name.”

She looks at their already exhausted list. “No… I want there to be some meaning to it. And you seem to like it.”

“I do!” he nods fast.

Her bridge falters. Just for a moment. “Rigel.” She tests the name on her tongue. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” She circles the name. “Crunchy granola it is.”

He won’t tell her that he’d thought of that name again and again. Rigel. If she were hanging any tightropes up through the skies, he rather thought she’d choose the brightest star. Kind Judy never did anything but poke holes in the darkness, and he’d been prepared to supplement whatever was to come ahead with a candle, a match, and a light bright enough to prove he was worth the effort.

Her bridge continues.

Rigel is the runt. They’d kept him under observation for a time while his lungs caught up with the rest of his tiny body. He’s all rust and puffy fur, and he settles so well into her arms that Nick could swear he was built for them.

He’ll say the same thing a moment later when he accepts his tiny boy into the crook of his arm.

“You’ll need to fill out paperwork,” the social worker reminds them.

“That’s fine.”

“And there’s a visitation from myself a few other board members coming up in three weeks. You think you’ll be ready for that?”

Nick bobbles over, (up and down up and down) watching the babe stare at the world around him with still blue eyes. “No,” he snips happily. “Not prepared at all.”

The social worker gives them a look. “Nevertheless.”

And that’s that. 

Rigel is settled between his parents. Fed. Bathed. Sleeping off an exhausting ordeal of playing with his new favorite pink hippo toy surreptitiously named “Bop”. Judy toys with his tiny ears.

“You’re okay with a fox?” asks Nick. His son - his son - yawns wide, and his milk teeth flash. They’ve already started having issues with that, and the legs of their best chairs are going to suffer dearly. “I know it’s… not what you expected. We could’ve gotten a Prey-”

“I’ve stopped expecting.” Her son makes a noise, and she kisses the back of his soft head with such affection that Nick wants to cry. “And there are too many foxes, Nick.”

Nick might cry, then. But he buries his face against her head and keeps their son (theirs, theirs, yours and mine and mine and yours and ours) between them.

This child will be exposed to nothing but love. He’s sure of it.

He won’t have an easy life. Foxes never do. They’re born with a pock, a mark, a scarlet letter stitched to their chest, and there’s nothing he can do that will wash it away. But he’s Judy’s son, now. Nick has to realize that. And he knows that this little boy will have to learn fast that the callouses passed on to his paws are good for nothing less than turning the world over and over and over again. And the woman who holds the Atlas, lying on the opposite side of the bed, won’t let the weight snap this child in two.

The escape bridge runs long and the stars spell their names in poetry.

Nick wants to say I love you, but she’s pressing another kiss to Rigel’s soft face, and Nick keeps it to himself.

(Besides)

(she already knows)

“What do you think he’ll be when he grows up?”

“I thin it’s too early to tell, Nick.”

“Nah. He’ll be a police officer.”

“Nick-”

“If he’s anything like his mama he’ll change the world.”

The baby yawns and stuffs one of Judy’s ears into his mouth. She winces fondly when he gnaws in his sleep. “It’s too early to tell, Nick. No one’s born to change the world.”

His leans over to kiss her and mumbles you’re wrong into her mouth. The bridge above her head changes course and reaches for higher stars. And he’s got no doubts that the path will be anything but exquisite.

“Maybe,” says Judy.

“Definitely,” says Nick.

She scratches her son’s head. “What d’ya think of that? You gonna change the world?”

Her son chews on her ear and yawns.

[professor-kukui]

Interview with your Muse!

Tagged by: @craniumaniac

Pick one of your muses. Fill in the questions/statements as if you were your muse in a new post.

DON’T REBLOG!

1. What is your name? “The name’s Kukui, yeah! Though most just call me ‘Professor’.” 2. What is your real name? “Well, my first name is Kaleo if that’s what your askin’.” 3. Do you know why you were called that? “Just what my parents felt like naming me, you know? I guess it sounded right!” 4. Are you single or taken? “Taken, and very happy to be!” 5. Have any abilities or powers? “I won’t lie, I’m no push over of a trainer, I can also take some good hits myself!” 6. Stop being a Gary/Mary Stu/Sue. “A.. what?” 7. What’s your eye color? “They look black but in the right light you can see they’re actually dark brown.” 8. How about your hair color? “A not-as-dark brown, ha ha!” 9. Have you any family members? “’Of course! I consider everyone my family, but I’ve got my wife most of all! And my parents too, though Hala is kind of like an uncle to me and Molayne is like the brother I never had!” 10. Oh? What about pets? “My Pokemon aren’t so much pets as they are family as well, yeah!” 11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like. “I can’t really say there’s much I don’t like. I guess I don’t like having to deal with Team Skull causing trouble...” 12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing? “Not too many, too busy most of the time. But I consider bein’ a good husband my favorite hobby, yeah!” 13. Ever hurt anyone before? “Maybe a couple of times...” 14. Ever….killed anyone before? “No, of course not!” 15. What kind of animal are you? “I’ve been told quite a few different Pokemon tend to remind people of me. The one I tend to get more than others is a Kommo-o. Not sure why~” 16. Name your worst habits. “Guess I’m bad at knowin’ when to quit, ha ha! But that really ain’t too bad. I also like to bother my wife while she’s at work.” 17. Do you look up to anyone at all? “I look up to my old man a lot! Even though I didn’t follow in his footsteps like he wanted me to, he still supports me and I just think the world of him! Burnet’s also a big inspiration to me!” 18. Gay, straight, or bisexual? “I’m definitely straight, cousin. Always have been!” 19. Do you go to school? “I did! Even did some university studies when I was workin’ to become region professor!” 20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day? “Well I’m already married, but I’d definitely love to have kids one day..” 21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls? “I think so~ I tend to get those kids of messages from time to time, you know, ha ha!” 22. What are you most afraid of? “Ain’t nothin’ really scares me, yeah! But... I guess I worry about Burny a lot.” 23. What do you usually wear? “Same thing I wear all the time! The lab coat comes with the job!” 24. Do you love someone? “I love Burnet more than I think I’ve ever loves anything, woo! I also love my family and my students!” 25. When was the last time you wet yourself? “Can’t recall a time where I ever did~” 26. Well, it’s not over yet! “Alright then, I’m ready for whatever you’ve got!” 27. What class are you?(High class, middle class, low class) “I do alright I think? Don’t want for nothin’ but I ain’t living in some mansion with servants and such, ha ha!” 28. How many friends do you have? “I think of everyone as a friend of mine!” 29. What are your thoughts on pie? “It’s good a guess! I like Malasadas more, though.” 30. Favorite drink? “No particular favorite, but I like fruity stuff for sure. But I drink coffee more than anything else now that I think about it~” 31. What’s your favorite place? “Wherever my wife is, yeah!” 32. Are you interested in someone~ “As I’ve said, I’m married, cousin. Ain’t got eyes for anyone but her!” 33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy? “Heh, that’s information for me and the wife to know, yeah.” 34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean? “The ocean, I think! There’s something really daunting but also fascinating about just how deep it goes you know? Like when you look down and it’s like as deep as the sky is high!” 35. What’s your type? “Everythin’ about Burnet is my wife, you know!” 36. Any fetishes? “Yeah, a few~” 37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive? “Whatever Burnet feels like doin’ then that’s what we’ll be doin’, yeah! I ain’t opposed to switchin’ for her, but naturally I tend to take the top position when I think about it~” 38. Camping or indoors? “Somethin’ I’ve learned since becoming a professor is that you sometimes gotta rough it outside for your research, yeah!” 39. Are you wanting the quiz to end? “If you got more questions I don’t mind answering!” 40. Now it’s over! Tag five people: @interdreamed, @n-ightmareeyes, @ofpalletown, @pxlletchxmpion, @alolan-traveler-lillie, @lille-nebby, @firespun, @denkinokikai, @mocrosoft, @beareroftheblueorb, @moonkxssed, @lunahaule

[survivortongatapu]

Episode 3 : Like He Lost Tag On The Playground | Andrew Gentile

So few subjects to choose from to entertain myself Too high to competently do this education stuff Too many grains of rice to eat I need a bagel with loxspread because I'm Jewish

The motivation to show that I'm manly, good at challenges and have lots of testosterone is not worth all this pain of clicking stupid numbers in the multiplication table. I keep telling myself I'm doing it for two charities: - The sanity of my tribe - The children

Literally 9x6=potato at this point

Lol being immune and lurking? I’m in Ecuador going to the Galapagos rn so outcast island is the best thing ever.

So I have no idea where I stand on my tribe at all! I'm initiating most of the conversations that I have which sucks! And I'm trying my best to form bonds but also not try too hard! 

 hope i can get enough to win this immunity to be honest i am glad i was not voted out 

We lost the challenge and I'm just woo! Jordan got a lucky pass and only got to submit 30 points had that been me I would have been voted out smh. Kaci got evacuated to Outcast island luckily so no drama tonight!

YES! we won rip kaci but woo us i hope we can keep winning

So IDK what the heck our vote was last round. I thought everyone was voting for Adrian but instead it was a huge mess. Basically I'm glad we won because otherwise I think we'd be in for another messy tribal council. 

his confessional will probably be a little less filled up than normal because: A. Free Rice took up all my time of socializing with people B. No tribal but on the other hand, i got the highest score in Free Rice which idk what to feel about it. It's good because I helped my tribe win, but bad because.. challenge threat label? But having a challenge threat label in Ausvivor when.. half the game is premerge won't affect me much. Only thing really going on is the Reward/Idol System... APPARENTLY Andrew found half of a Super Idol on the Purple Rock... and we need to find the Purple Rock. He said he told me, yes, ME! because he trusts me the most which is GREAT. Also though, I'm talking to Charlotte and she's done the EXACT SAME THING as Andrew on both times she's gone to the Idol System, first time, they both grabbed the torch in the cave, second time, Andrew got the Purple Rock like... 2 minutes before her which SUCKS for her. But I'm glad Charlotte is telling me about it too. I got a disadvantage for our tribe in the next challenge because I searched in the top hole of a tree, which Pocket told me to search in because he did the bottom and middle holes, but whatever! Antoine went into the bush on the clear path, and did the Yellow Rock. My goal right now is to figure out what most people on our tribe have done for the Idol System so I can have a greater knowledge of it and find out where idols are! Overgrown -> Keep Going = END Clear -> Top Hole = DISADVANTAGE Clear -> Middle Hole = END Clear -> Bottom Hole = END Clear -> Keep Walking -> Bush = END Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Yellow Rock = DISADVANTAGE Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Blue Rock = ? Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Purple Rock = HALF SUPER IDOL Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> None = ? Rocky -> Cave -> Grab Torch = END Here's my list of what I know so far, so I wanna know what happens on the Overgrown and Rocky sections now. Outcast Island is also having its first Tribal, and I'm assuming Conor or Kaci will go because they're more inactive. And besides that... nada! I have WAY better strategic relationships with people now because everyone talked game last round. I feel so much more aggressive and proactive in this game! It's really nice getting what I want. Like I've never done that in games before so being able to have more control over my fate is SOOOO nice and strategy is.. kinda, sorta fun! So I'm having a great time and playing the game, and I guess I can just hope I win.

We lose. Johnny no lifing does NOT prevail RIP Kaci. She would've been a good ally, but she's a fool and didn't tell RTP that she was excusing herself for the challenges, which is kinda playing survivor 101 if you know you're not going to be here, which is fucking tragic, but it's okay. Maybe her pretty face can make her way back into the game from outcast island. WE SHALL SEE

So things are goinf well...-ish. We might have lost the challenge but we don’t have to go to tribal thanks to Kaci’s absence. Thank god. I think if we went to tribal now it would all blow up, I still want time to soldify the bonds I’ve made, so no matter what i have options when things do inevitably change.

I really hope we'll win the challenge tonight. I'm worried I might have to fight for my spot if we lose! I hope those hidden rewards are worth it cause they are hard to find.

So Tim basically has attached himself to my hip as a dynamic duo in this game. Honestly, I am perfectly okay with that. I feel like Tim will be a particularly loyal ally to my cause, and he will definitely boost my reputation on this tribe. Still working on getting in with Stephen, but I feel like I have done that successfully. Johnny is another potential ally on this tribe and lord knows I need to start earning them.

bye trip and your idol hehehe

Y'ALL I'VE FINALLY DONE IT! AFTER TOO MANY GAMES TO NAME I HAVE FINALLY FOUND AN IDOL. And it's a ruby idol, so I can't wait to fuck shit up. I'm not telling anyone about it either cause I trust no one :)

Glad we won this challenge, but I am starting to get nervous. By this point I expected strategy to come into play a bit more, with people already starting to talk about who they want gone. But thats not happening. Tribal would, at least, reveal alliances and start the game going. That being said every round we win is a round I’m 100% safe, and a round I could find an advantage in reward.

I love that we won immunity! It's such a great feeling to not have to worry about going to tribal. Also, RIP Trip. It's sad that the person who sacrificed himself for us was voted out first. Though I do doubt if there was ever any hope for him seeing as he would have had zero connections. At the very least, Kaci is surviving which is good for me since she is someone I would like to work with. If Adrian comes back, though, I could very easily use him to take out his other tribemates like Jay. Hopefully, he is bitter enough to do that.

I CANT THIS TRIBE IS.... I wish i had a gif of this but just imagine the gif of Brenda Lowe saying "I don't even have to do anything and people align with me!" LIKE!!! IVE BEEN ADDED TO 2 ALLIANCES WHILE IVE BEEN AT SCHOOL ALL DAY. AND PEOPLE SAID TO WAIT FOR MY OPINION TO DECIDE WHO TO VOTE.. I LOVE HAVING CONTROL. I have.. POWER.. love it. Also Chrissa and Pocket are fighting because Antoine is in Pocket's pocket essentially, but Antoine doesn't really talk to anyone else, so Pocket wants Charlotte out, while Chrissa wants Antoine out. IDK Also now I'm in 3 alliances!!! Alliance #1 - Good Eggs - Andrew/Carson/Chrissa/Jay/Owen/Pocket Alliance #2 - hey youtube stu here - Andrew/Bryan/Carson/Jay/Owen/Willow Alliance #3 - The Watchdog League - Andrew/Antoine/Carson/Pocket/Willow this is fucking.. insane why are these people like this i feel like the only sane one. also, jay threw Pocket under the bus in Alliance #2 Pocket threw Jay under the bus in Alliance #3 so Willow/Charlotte/Chrissa/Jay/Antoine/Pocket are the names circulating andj ust... i dont even know. this tribes a mess

These people are the most wishy-washy people ever. First nobody want to say a  name and then, when I decide to throw a name out, nobody want to really commit to it. OMG, I don't know what to do with these guys. Like i'm suppose to be in an alliance of 5, who care who is voted out outside of it! To be honest, I wouldn't be surprise if my name come up tonight or if i'm going home. It's either me or Jay to be honest or I'll be surprised.

Nothing going on

Oh boy, immunity aint that swell. reward was lame, i injured myself but didnt even die like come on ryan. anyways ya, its chill #LongLiveJordanPines

So apparently Pocket is throwing out my name. It’s too early to try to take him down but I won’t forget it.

I hope the vote goes smooth i just want us to be on the same page and so i just hope however the vote goes we still are on the same page 

Ok so. Jay made an alliance of me, him, Carson, willow, owen, Charlotte, and drew. So I’m cool with that for now. Also. I thought willow was gonna be the target before hand. But it turns out pocket was targeting Charlotte and Chrissa was targeting Antoine and they had a little kerfuffle about it. I don’t like that pocket was targeting Charlotte. So I suggest to this alliance we vote him out. But like. This vote is probably gonna be all over the place tbh. Smh. 

Im more than happy to not have tribal but my forest searches are going horribly! Ive gotten closer to Raffy and even proposed a final 2 with him. ALSO Stephen found half of the supeidol and decided to tell me about it I'm estatic! I smell a swap coming though so.... Honestly thats good for my game because that means that I won't be voted out from my original tribe who I think have an alliance already made :/ (without me in it of course). I still want to work with Johnny and Raffy and Stephen and maybe even L.A but for now jm leaving all of my options open!

So I found something in the reward, half a super idol!!!! eek. but now i have to keep looking for the other half, although chances are someones found it. But it’d be a bad idea to broadcast in the hopes that someone will come forward with the other half. I have told Tim, my ally, so that if he hears anything he will tell me. I hope that isn’t a mistake, but I trust him. Idk if I’ll tell Johnny, or Jordan, the ither two I’d consider aligning with, I don’t 100% trust them yet.

Its time to find part 2 of the SuperIdol, let the hunt begin.

Ok despite this round being twice as long, even less happened. Kaci was medevaced, which sucks because I really wanted to work with her. At least I know I'll have an ally at outcast island if i get voted out. I've got johnny on my side still, as well as jordan, rob, and probably stephen. I had a convo with tim today, and I also want to work with him. I'm just wary of how many people i give my loyalty to because I'm sure andrew is also going to have his own allies. But honestly? why am i even thinking about this game. Why do i have to constantly remind myself that I also have an opportunity to win. Anyways! I think i'm in a good spot on this tribe. I wouldnt mind a swap tho, lets shake it up!

this game makes me wanna eat my own ass bc pocket and chrissa fought and the vote switched from pocket to chrissa to charlotte to antoine back to chrissa back to antoine maybe idk I'm literally gay and i wanna die and I'm like in 18 alliance chats and I'm on call with jay carson and willow trying to figure this out someone pls fuckin help

i somehow flipped this vote to Antoine?? like i said earlier i wanted antoine out and this is somehow working... i love big movez!!!!! im shaking. this is for you pocket!! also apparently charlotte likes antoine more than chrissa.. we're working this. i really do feel like brenda lowe rn with everyone coming to me and me just telling people things! like i dont think imma get the blame for this vote from ANYONE because andrew/jay/willow were doing the heavywork while i suggested it. whew. hope antoine goes because he sorta petered out after night 1.

heres a short synopsis of the vote and what happened: 1. i got added to 3 alliances and every single one wanted different things, with pocket, jay, antoine, charlotte, and chrissa being targeted. 2. i went on call with bryan/jay and they tried getting me to vote pocket, i like pocket, so i was like EHHHH maybe iDK! i like majority :3 could we do antoine? 3. talked to andrew during that call who wanted chrissa out hard, said "CAN WE CUT ANTOINE PLEASE.." 4. went on call with andrew/jay, said we could do antoine, not too bad to flip it. they agreed, added willow, told everyone while i ate food. 5. :) woo lets see if this works

ugh its gonna be ant tonight which is kinda sad bc hes really nice f;alksdjf this is too messy honestly 

I would vote out Pocket rn because he's asking to if it weren't for the fact that we all just went to the trouble to save him, and now he's gonna be a piss baby that things aren't going his way. Sorry I don't respect that and now I don't respect him as a player so he can go back to Party City (Zwooper) where he belongs.

This round has been a massive mess. So to start, I wanted to vote out Antoine, but Chrissa and Pocket had a fight about whether it's Antoine or Charlotte. I talked to Andrew and we decided to cut ties with Chrissa and Pocket and start a new alliance with Bryan and Willow replacing them. Well what do you know! A new conflict broke out on whether to vote Chrissa or Pocket! It really looked like Chrissa was leaving until Owen messaged me saying that he's voting Pocket no matter what. So naturally I call my closest ally, Carson, and we get to talking and we decide we want Chrissa to stay. But we didn't want to alienate Andrew, so after the vote was set on Pocket, we talked to Andrew about the vote since he didn't want Pocket out. We ended up deciding on voting Antoine because if he leaves, and Pocket continues to trust Andrew, we have a solid five (Me, Andrew, Carson, Willow, and Pocket) and I trust Bryan to vote with us too. 

And as we speak, Pocket is having a meltdown and asking to leave and I'm sorry I didn't go through so much effort to get this vote the way it's supposed to be JUST TO CHANGE IT AGAIN! Sorry buddy, I need numbers, and you're one of those numbers. :)

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