#Surkukteni | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shivasdarknight · 1 year ago

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I've got a LOT. Like, a lot a lot so I'm going to have to put this under a cut. But let's go over Surkukteni's first :3c

First we got Surkie's fiances, aka the Engaged Quad, which is her, Ysayle, Estinien, and Aymeric.

Technically she fell for Ysayle first, and Estinien last, but the order of people getting together was jumbled because of msq and other bullshit. It basically went that pretty much all three of her fiances were at varying levels of Into Her through hvw (Ysayle in the deepest, Aymeric was probably The Most Normal About It, while Estinien was in very complicated denial), but none really said anything because of all that was going on and it feeling inappropriate (also Estinien and Aymeric weren't just only into Surkie; part of Estinien's denial was the fact he struggled processing having active feelings for two people). Obviously hvw happens, Surkie ends up extremely fucked up over the apparent death of Ysayle (it's my canon now), a huge schism has come between her and Estinien, and it's Aymeric she ends up getting a lot closer to - both through her work with him as a Dark Knight (which is a Very long story), but also in ending the Dragonsong War. He asks her out during 3.X, but she really can't bring herself to because right when she was feeling comfortable he's nearly assassinated. Taking it that she's cursed, she refuses to get attached and fucks off.

I've got a fic going of the reconciliation with Estinien during the drg70 quest which eventually turns into their fwb situation. It's a lot of complicated and messy feelings because she's struggling through a lot and he's trying to keep his own feelings out of it because she clearly needs an outlet and it seems to help with the physical loneliness/touch starved state she's in. But Whoops she goes and catches feelings and is under the impression that he wouldn't reciprocate and it eats her alive all the way into 5.3. Perish the thought that him clearly being worried about her, confiding a lot in her, being very openly fond with her could ever mean anything - and yes, she is a bit of a dense dumbass.

Through all of this is Surkie maintaining an (attempted) casual relationship with Aymeric where all of their feelings are very well laid out, but Surkie's not at all ready to commit to anything because she's still very fucked up over hvw (and her abusive ex gf). They're also in a somewhat fwb situation, but unlike with Estinien, they know it's reciprocated just not official. So there's this tone of melancholy that pervades every interaction of theirs. There's this promise of acting upon feelings when she's more adjusted, but it's been ~4 years and she's only getting worse from being denied the time to process everything.

5.3 is where Surkie breaks down and confesses to Estinien out of fear that she'd lost him to Elidibus thanks to that nightmare instance in Amaurot. And unsurprisingly, he's honest with her as well and it ends up in them renegotiating what they are to each other while making it clear that it's not going to be monogamous even if they're officially together - in part because they're comfortable in things being open, but also obviously because of Aymeric. This is also where they fuck up, but that's not discovered until 5.55.

The tailend of 5.3 is where Surkie reunites with Ysayle, and this is also a fic that can be read! :D Ysayle wasn't dead and instead spent 3.0-5.3 trying to recover from hvw and figure out what she wants to do with her life (this is also a fic and another wip one). This leads to the first arrangement of Surkie being with Estinien and Ysayle that eventually leads into a triad as Estinien and Ysayle work out unresolved issues (very fun draft I'm working on), and then pulling Aymeric into Surkie and Estinien's relationship - and that one ends up turning into a proper quad. The dynamic developed predominantly through the wait between 5.55 and 6.0 thanks to that Mistake from 5.3 (they didn't think elezen and au ra could have kids, now they've got infant twins at the start of enw), so they've been cohabitating for the last year or so? More now that we're in post enw. Aymeric proposed at the start of enw, and Surkie is still really giddy about being able to say fiances even if they never go all the way to married (they are tho, the idea of getting to call Ysayle her wife means a lot to Surkie). They're all still living at Aymeric's place while they figure out a more permanent living situation - seeing as Surkie has a bunch of murder pets like Fenrir of which there's no space for + she doesn't like city areas - and a top consideration is just fucking off into the middle of Dravania to get away from everyone lmao It's also an eventual necessity because beyond her pets (three hoarhounds - two full grown, one an adolescent - a young lykaon, and a full grown coeurl), it's four adults (well, five but living in a decent enough space with their four kids (Allie was adopted after the Werlyt storyline, then there's the twins previously mentioned, then one during 6.2) and they figured it might be better to find a place sooner rather than later.

The group is made up of two extremely sardonic people with a history of communication problems, and then two very charismatic leaders who are beyond patient - yet still have cheeky streaks underneath it. It's also three orphans and then Surkie, who isn't an orphan but also doesn't consider her blood parents to be her family. Not a single one is straight (all are bisexual, with Aymeric being the only one without a strong leaning since Surkie and Ysayle are very inherently sapphic while Estinien predominantly likes men; this arrangement is very funny to me because of this), and like half of them aren't cis (surkie's bigendered and intersex as it relates to au ra, while aymeric is a trans man). Lots of fun overlap in politics vs wanderlust as well as other interests, but mostly I just really enjoy them from the perspective as four really lonely people who found comfort in one another getting the chance to build a family together, especially when there have been so many instances where they've nearly died. Getting to build something like that with people who Get It just really gets to me it's so sweet qnq

There's also Heustienne in this. I'm still trying to figure out how she interacts with half of the Engaged Quad, but she does end up eventually seeing both Surkie and Ysayle - and specifically, it's starts seeing them again since they were both separate flings back in hvw. Heustienne has a lot larger of a role in my rewrite and isn't stuck in the drg50-60 quests, specifically she's part of the main group in hvw up until her being turned and then she ends up joining the Scions around shb. So she's around during the extended wait between 5.55 and enw and ends up back with Surkie and Ysayle, meaning that (at least for now) Estinien and Aymeric are metamours - Aymeric's more cordial since he doesn't know her super well ahead of time, but Estinien is super familiar with her and (playfully) harasses her a Lot.

Moving from them, we have another one of Surkie and Ysayle's partners.

This one's fun because it's the whole immortal and their reincarnating lover, but it's like. 2 reincarnating lovers, each meeting more and more tragic ends, but the ones that finally break through are so far divorced from the original that the immortal has to put aside her feelings for her old lovers as they're long dead and works to get to know these two present people.

Venat was lovers with Charon (Surkie) and Khione (Ysayle) back in Elpis, and Charon is a whole fucking complicated thing but it was basically three people who felt really alienated by their own society and found solace in one another. They'd always wanted a family but between Khione's infertility and Charon's severe dysphoria at the mere thought of that, as well as not knowing anyone who'd be willing to surrogate, it was something that really ate at them while Venat's original lovers were still alive. Yeah, of course they considered adoption and were more than happy to do that, but the world ended before they got the chance. Khione died first, Charon - who was supposed to be the heart of Hydaelyn - died soon after, leaving Venat as Hydaelyn for millenia. And as Hydaelyn, she had the misfortune of watching them reincarnate and find each other - time after time again - only for things to end poorly and prematurely. Across every life, across every shard - nothing seemed to improve and Hydaelyn kept finding herself forestalling their reincarnations little by little each time as a way to spare them of further grief. The worst was during the 3rd Era on the Source when Ammut (Surkie) and Macchi (Ysayle) were horrifically murdered by Ammut's on brother, Amon. The rage that carried over even in death had Venat keep their souls with her for three-thousand years until the aetherial sea swept them from her to reincarnate as Surkukteni and Ysayle. Weakened as she was, Venat did what she could to try and protect the two of them - which is why both have her traveler's mark - but she could only do so much. This is the first cycle in which both reincarnations of her lovers are aware of her existence, yet it's so distant and she can feel the animosity rolling off of Surkukteni over the idea of having someone deign to lord over her life's course.

Endwalker is when Surkie does ease up a lot on Hydaelyn as the reality of her growing weaker begins to hit her. The lack of contact, the lack of action - no shit she hasn't intervened, she's basically dying. And it only really hits her when Hydaelyn intervenes during Garlemald (i altered that one 83 instance, its very different now) to keep Surkie's daughter, Yukiko, alive. Surkie only just managed to get to her daughter in time before Hydaelyn's intervention wavered, having exerted too much energy. She goes totally silent then, and it's only then that Surkie begins to regret much of what she's said about and to Hydaelyn upon realizing the direness of the matter.

While much of her perspective is changed during Endwalker (especially during Elpis and getting to properly meet Venat), this relationship is only built after Endwalker once everything has been secured and they can take a godsdamned break. During Endwalker, Surkie managed to save Venat by collecting her tattered soul after their final battle into a white auracite - something that she left with Nidhana as she didn't want to risk hurting Venat while traveling, especially when they had to go to Ultima Thule. During the recovery period of 6.0-6.1, it's with the help of Gwendoline (another wol, she's below) and Nidhana that Venat has a vessel built for her in the same vein as the older Varshahn vessel - but whereas both Varshahns are more puppets for the sake of observation and function, Venat's was designed to be as realistic and livable as possible. And so Venat spends 6.X effectively relearning how to be mortal, getting used to her new body, seeing what she can of the star she so diligently protected, and slowly building up new relationships with the inheritors of her lovers' souls. They're officially together at the start of 6.2, Venat ends up joining everyone during 6.4 when Ysayle has to dip out because she and Surkie fucked up gg guys, and she lives in the Borel manor now since she doesn't really have anywhere else - which also was Aymeric's idea by the way, he's more than fine with company and especially if said company is the lover of two of his fiances.

Venat's also with Gwendoline and I'm thinking maybe Y'shtola? But I'm still trying to decide on it. But a definite is that Surkie-Gwen-Venat and Surkie-Venat-Ysayle are all absolutely a thing.

And yeah, Surkie is with Gwendoline because it's a really cute dynamic of these two knowing each other for 7 years and this just really sweet slowly building dynamic of really really good friends turned into really close lovers. They got together after Endwalker and have been inseparable.

So, speaking of Gwen:

I only really have gposes of one of Gwen's relationships, and that's with Zero. But like Surkie, she's very polyamorous and has a lot of fun relationships.

So like as just a thing to point out, Gwen's a demisexual femme lesbian and is very married to her work. In spite of all of this, she has managed to end up with Y'shtola, Nidhana, Venat, Surkukteni, and Zero. The dynamics are Gwendoline-Y'shtola-Nidhana, Gwendoline-Y'shtola-Zero, Gwendoline-Surkukteni-Venat, and she's been in this mess since ARR.

Gwen began to catch feelings for Surkie mid-to-late ARR, which was also when she was beginning to grow fond of Y'shtola. But that led to her sitting there going "do I find them very good friends, or do I actually like them" and wound up trapped in a state of indecision of what to do - like, should she act on either? Bloody banquet happens, Y'shtola's gone. Hvw happens, Surkie is very obviously into Ysayle. Gwen is regretting a lot of things, but she's trying to support Surkie regardless of what happens. It's really rough for her through most of hvw - especially since she's dodging (accurate) accusations of necromancy - but things do ease up when they managed to find Y'shtola. The two are very close over shared research fields, curiosity, humor etc., but Y'shtola's recklessness managed to scare Gwendoline so badly that she ended up confessing soon after getting her back out of the fear she'd lose her again so suddenly. It's...rocky, especially because of trying to help Y'shtola now that she's blind, but they have a very strong foundation for a very long lasting relationship. ...Little does Gwen know that her feelings for Surkie were reciprocated and Surkie was beating herself up over a missed opportunity, but then what fun would it be? :)

Gwen spends the next four years dealing with a horrifically messed up Surkukteni, someone she deeply loves who is going through it after the perceived death of Ysayle. Worse, Gwendoline is one of the people who worked to keep Ysayle alive - she knows better, she knows that Ysayle is alive, but she can't tell Surkie just yet due to the danger of drawing attention to a weakened Lady Iceheart when the Garleans were already really agitated by the Warriors of Light. She feels fkn awful about lying to Surkie, but she doesn't see it as something that could help by telling her; first it was because she was unsure that Ysayle would pull through, then she didn't want to draw attention that could get Ysayle killed and have it be on Surkie's hands, then everything was too chaotic to have the time to do so, and then they were on the First and on a time limit. And all the while, Gwen had to watch someone she loved deteriorate. It hurt! A lot! Even more so when Y'shtola disappeared because of shb, and then everything with the Light that threatened to destroy Surkie.

Lot of helpless feelings in this. Lot of Gwendoline having to swallow feelings because nothing felt appropriate to admit. Things were finally calm and maybe she could say something----and Surkie's settling into a relationship and expecting twins. Gwen swore she was going to go insane.

Through the course of enw, Gwen builds up a lot of rapport with Nidhana - and similarly, so does Y'shtola. So yeah, admittedly even if it takes Gwen a bit to properly catch feelings for Nidhana, she does use this as a distraction to see if she can ignore the feelings for Surkie that have only grown more intense with time. She does love Nidhana dearly, don't misunderstand; but she was pursuing what distractions she could to no avail.

Elpis is a fun section, for the sole reason that it gets to Gwen bad. She likes to say she's only immediately fallen for someone once and it was such an intense and overwhelming feeling that she prays it never happens again. .......Yeah it happens a second time, and it's Venat dropping down from the sky and cleaving a shark in two. Gwen is in a state of things, she's extremely flustered, and she doesn't know what to do with herself because this is Hydaelyn. From a past that no longer exists. Y'shtola thinks it's the funniest fucking thing, but Gwen is Suffering.

Ultima Thule isn't any better. Having lost so many allies to this bizarre reality - and mind you, Estinien and Ysayle disappear at the same time - Surkukteni's not in a good headspace whatsoever. It's down to her, the Leveilleur twins, and Gwendoline. She's desperately trying to keep things together but she's on the verge of falling apart. Worse when it's those three's turn to sacrifice themselves and Gwen steps out of the group to be painfully honest in a way she's never allowed herself to be. She admits the feelings she's been harboring for the past seven years, admitting to her reasons for not saying anything, mentioning Surkukteni needn't reciprocate since all is falling apart...she just needed to get it off her chest. She seals it off with kissing a stunned Surkie before getting swept off by Meteion with the Leveilleur twins, leaving Surkie alone and distraught.

When she manages to bring everyone back for the final push into the Dead Ends, Gwendoline is having a brief Moment realizing that Y'shtola's mad plan actually worked - meaning those weren't her last words and that wasn't her last action. Surkie is, understandably, smothering the two fiances that came with them and reaming them out for being self sacrificial assholes, but it's not long before she turns on Gwen who didn't let her answer. And wouldn't you have it, Surkie grab's Gwen and drags her down to kiss her silly and asks her to put things on pause so they can talk about it when things are done.

.........and then surkie does a self sacrificial thing that gets her yelled at by p much everyone, but it's deserved.

Gwen and Surkie make things official during the recovery period of Endwalker, which also is when Gwen starts work on Venat's body. She knows she's gonna have to confront someone who managed to get her attention immediately, but she wasn't expecting Venat to be so patient and kind with her - just makes the feelings worse. It's over the course of Venat's recovery and adjustment that the two end up falling for each other and get together, which just so happens to be when the Void stuff starts up and Gwen gets to meet Zero.

patch complicated things, so I'm just going to talk as if this is up to 6.4. Gwen didn't trust Zero at first seeing as this was Zenos' voidsent - and she has every right to be wary. She was very standoffish and didn't understand why the others - especially Y'shtola! - were giving her the benefit of the doubt, and did everything in her power to remain cordial and not let venom slip through. Gwen's gut feeling has saved their asses on many an occasion, but she was off with this one by a bit: had Zero remained as they'd met her, then she'd've been right. But Zero's growth countered that gut feeling and allowed them to warm up to each other. ...Very slowly. What's funny is that Surkie and Gwen had opposite reactions with Zero. While Surkie was willing to give her a chance at the start - trusting the story of being used by Zenos and wanting to help her - the two became a bit awkward with each other not because of anything serious; no it's literally just they're basically pointing mirrors at one another and it makes Surkie v uncomfortable lmAO It's nothing against Zero, she just doesn't like being called out. Gwen, on the other hand, warmed up to Zero and managed to get through to her in part due to her experience dealing with Surkie. I also have a fic for these two, it's really cute I adore it, and I'm going to have to...do a bit more planning with them.

Lastly, we got the token monogamists:

Altan is Surkie's little sister (half sister specifically), and W'khittri is her girlfriend. Both have been on the team since mid-to-late ARR and have specifically been friendly with one another since post ARR. W'khittri is a fair amount older and more experienced than Altan (11 year difference), but it's less of a power imbalance and more W'khittri picking up on Altan's interest and trying to get her to act and be more confident in herself. Altan's a baby butch lesbian who's still trying to figure herself out (especially ARR-STB), while W'khittri is a bi trans woman who lost her long-term partner to the Garleans. So it's a lot of fostering Altan's curiosity and desire to experiment with her gender presentation, and being a resource for her whenever she needs it. Altan's agency isn't encroached upon whatsoever, she's closer to 20 when the two end up together, and much of what they do is on Altan's terms based on her comfort as she figures herself out.

They're honestly a really sweet couple, especially as they do what they can to support each other. Stormblood is A Trip, seeing as W'khittri has to deal with constant reminders of the destruction of the W Tribe and the deaths of her partner and father. The only family W'khittri has left is her daughter, W'leinshi (who's like 5 in arr, so a preteen in enw), and Altan is constantly doing everything in her power to do right by this kid. Altan and W'khittri are a solid team as Scions, and eventually become inseparable in their personal lives. When Surkie approaches Altan to take over many of her responsibilities as the Warrior of Light while she's on the First, W'khittri is quick to back her up much like how Altan helped W'khittri gain closure for her tribe's massacre.

Unfortunately it's not all happy. While yeah, I still stand by that their relationship remains really sweet, things get messy when Altan is betrayed by Misija and loses both of her arms. This relegates Altan to a non-combative role, with W'khittri having to step down as well to take care of Altan. Even though Altan isn't mad at W'khittri for what happened, it still frustrates her that she's so immediately helpless after the injury and it really fucks with her head. Worse is when she realizes that she can't do a lot for herself, but one thing that she voices and causes her to break down was she "can't hold W'leinshi anymore" and won't be able to properly hold her niece and nephew without fear of hurting them with her initial prosthetics. And honestly it takes W'khittri by surprise because she was expecting something to do with her mobility, her ability to fight, to stay as a Scion - not if she'd be able to hug her girlfriend's daughter, or hold her sister's children without hurting either of them. It spurs W'khittri to do what she can to help Altan bounce back and try to make sure her spirit isn't too crushed by all that happened, but it does mean that they're not involved in enw save for helping Aymeric take care of the Engaged Quad's kids while the other three are trying to stop the Final Days.

Both are back as of 6.X and tighter than ever. Altan's about...26 at this point? A lot more confident in herself and her relationship with W'khittri, and the two have been together for so long that she's genuinely thinking about proposing but she wants to figure out how to do so in a way that'd work within the W Tribe's customs.

There's a lot more that I have. Like Seraphin and Teodore (ocs) who are part of the og WoL group, there's Katsuro/Thancred/Urianger and probably G'raha maybe idk (+Katsuro's grand fuckup with two different Ascians), Melisande and Yotsuyu who are Very Very fun (Mellie also had a past thing with Laniaitte), Zirnghota and Athanasia (ocs), Iolaine and Odin (oc + friend oc, but actually it's Urth and Odin and odin's a LESBIAN), Lillith and Avian (another oc + friend oc thats been a thing for years now - i love @/lcvnderhazed so much), Krystsyng and Misaki (ocs, Misaki is Surkie's abusive ex), Saoirse and Cylva (which is fun >:3c), Philomene and Saoirse (ocs), Ammut and Macchi (ocs), Ammut and Bahamut (ya i said what i said), Macchi and Tiamat - which then also extends into Ysayle and Tiamat, and even a bunch of past relationships/flings like with Surkie and Cylva .o.

I just think that this is all v neat and fun

WoL/OC Question(s)!

This one goes out to the WoLshippers! Who do you ship your WoL/OC with? An NPC or another WoL/OC? How did they meet, and how long have they been together? What kind of relationship do they have?

Show me your favorite SFW gpose/art of them together!

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shivasdarknight · 9 months ago

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I thought for sure I posted this wip a while ago but I can't seem to find it SO

ESTINIEN AND YSAYLE POST HVW REMEET, GOES AS WELL AS YOU THINK IT DOES >:3c

cw alcohol consumption

There was tense silence that filled the space between them, frustration and guilt mixing in with the despondence that threatened to consume Surkukteni as she glanced up and between Ysayle and Estinien.

“Was that Bajsaljen?” Estinien asked, quick to take the distraction.

Surkukteni nodded, but she didn’t look at all comforted that she’d finally been contacted by the Bozjan Resistance. “It was about Altan. She’s finally awake.”

Surkukteni’s little sister?

“Is she alright?” Ysayle was quick to ask, inadvertently confirming that her voice bothered Wyrmblood.

“No.” Surkukteni swallowed hard, shaking her head and tussling her messy hair in the process. “He wouldn’t give me the details, just that she’s up and making things difficult for the chirurgeons.”

“She’s your sister, alright,” Estinien muttered, sighing heavy. “I presume you're leaving?”

There was the source of the conflict on her face, eyes screwing shut and lips twisting into a frustrated snarl. “I can’t just not, but godsdammit this fucking timing.”

“Your family comes first,” was Estinien again, pointedly not looking at Ysayle - despite the fact that she was just a few fulms away from him at this point. He took Surkukteni’s arm, catching her attention so that it was solely on him. “We can deal with this later. Do you need me to come with you?”

“I know what you’re doing and regardless of it, it’s not a good idea.” Surkukteni sighed and pulled away, glancing between Ysayle and Estinien again - lingering longer on Estinien. “I was prepared for the stress that this would bring considering everything, but to do this, leave it unresolved, and have Katsuro find out about our relationship? He’s inevitably going to be there, and it’s just going to cause more stress when Altan doesn’t need it.”

A pang of guilt shot through Ysayle at that; that Surkukteni had expected turmoil hurt worse than any mortal wound. Protests about Estinien’s attempt to flee that she had wanted to voice died in her throat, scarred hands curling into themselves. ‘Twouldn’t be appropriate; best to mind her tongue.

As if she weren’t there, the conversation continued on: “Your brother ought to have some sense knocked into him,” Estinien muttered as Surkukteni slipped from him and towards the door.

“And I’m forever this close to enacting it myself.” Surkukteni’s boots were hiked back up, strapping each one down tight around the scalemail that covered her large, muscular thighs - a peculiar knife tucked into one, with pale emeralds set into its pommel and sheathe. “...I’ll be back as soon as I’m able. I’m sorry.”

Surkukteni walked back to pull Estinien in a quick embrace that he mirrored, conflict still clear on her face. She repeated the same with Ysayle, her grip tight to almost smother her in her arms - equally as large and muscular as the rest of her. A heavy sigh slipped from Surkukteni’s lips as she walked back to the door, lingering at the handle as her gaze lingered on Ysayle.

“It’ll be fine,” Ysayle tried to assure, yet she knew she couldn’t promise that as she caught Estinien tense at the sound of her voice again. “Focus on your sister.”

The tension didn’t ease at all from Surkukteni, shaking her head as she finally opened that damned door. “I wanted to be here, but…” She swallowed hard, composure settling into place as she gave them one last glance. “Good luck. ...I pray things go well.”

It was all Ysayle could do from looking horribly guilty, giving an assuring - yet fake - smile back. “You as well.”

Estinien said naught, though his gaze yet lingered on Surkukteni - even as the door closed soundly behind her.

Tense silence was the only companion Ysayle would find in that room; a tension most tangible, a silence that threatened to suffocate. The only thing she could hear over the anxious thudding of her heart in her ears was the muted sound of an incessantly ticking chronometer.

As Estinien said naught.

‘Twas his turn, it seemed, to be as still as a statue; but not quite, as she could see how his hands clenched into fists - over and over, yet saying naught. It wasn’t the stillness of stone, but the trembling rigidity of something about to crack that paralyzed him — like a bow pushed to its limits.

And much like a bow looses its burden to avoid shattering under the strain, the tension in the air snapped as Estinien stormed out of the room.

The frustration in Ysayle’s breast had finally reached a boiling point, quick to stalk after him, thoroughly sick of the silence. Venom burned hot against her tongue, right on his heels as he made his way into the kitchenette. “And where are you going?” she spat, words acting like arrows that he had set free.

“I need a drink.” His voice was curt, sharp; right to the point. So much restraint, so much tension - yet he wouldn’t even look at her. “I can’t damn well do this sober.”

It mutely occurred to Ysayle that this was the first time he’d directly spoken to her - the first time in years. Some bloody reunion. Not that it changed anything about her conscious actions, feeling less willing to be civil with each moment that passed. “Am I such an affront to you?” Predictably, he said naught. Instead, he pawed through the cabinet noisily - not looking at her, not speaking to her. “Do you loathe the fact that I live? That I survived? That I stand before you now? For what reason do you have to act like this?”

Still nothing. Seemed he wasn’t going to bother with a glass, instead just ripping the top off of some bottle of gin and tipping it back with little regard for himself.

Still that chronometer ticked on; still that taught tension like another arrow had been drawn. A million and more things flooded Ysayle’s mind, itching to loose them at Estinien, yet found herself stuck in indecision as she stared daggers into him - ever her opposite as he just seemed despondent. The gin bottle hit the extended shelf loudly; one hand a fist around the bottle, the other balled up on the surface - knuckles as white as bone.

Still, Estinien said naught.

Still, the chronometer ticked on.

Still, Ysayle’s heart roared in her ears - poisonous words damming up her throat.

The tension snapped; and with it, Estinien’s silence.

“Four years,” he rasped in a low voice, each word carefully enunciated - impact after impact - yet said at a snail’s pace. His tempo gradually picked up with every sentence that left him, yet the tension eased naught - only stoking the fervor that he spoke with; a fervor that set the ever-increasing, cruel rhythm he followed. “Four years. Four bloody years. Four years of grieving, four fucking years of guilt and self loathing - four godsdamned years of watching someone I love lose herself in your absence. Of doing what I could to atone while knowing damned well it’d never be enough; of wishing and cursing mineself out for it not being me instead - for if anyone were to fall, it should have been me and not you. Of bells spent talking to nothing - relaying what I could recall - and yet.”

The most defeated, most self-deprecating laugh escaped Estinien, bowing his head as silver curtained his face and hid it from view. “And yet here you stand.” His voice cracked as he spoke, so quiet Ysayle almost missed it. “Here you stand as if none of it happened. Here you stand like it all happened but yesterday, and you still loathe me all the same - not that I can blame you, you’ve every reason to.” A shuddering breath, but he still wouldn’t look at her. “Funny. It all came so freely when I thought I was talking to you, and yet as you stand before me it instead eludes me. Bloody typical.”

Try as Ysayle might, the urge to be argumentative still rose - still drove the response that came to her. It was funny, wasn't it? To her, it sounded like a lot of words to say next to nothing at all. Anger burned in her breast that she tried to douse, but it grew harder the longer silence stretched on between them. All of that, and for what?

"You sound as if you're faulting me for surviving," Ysayle began, trying to rein her tone in and failing miserably. "For what I did to help you and yours. Pardon me for not alerting you specifically that I wasn't dead; I was a bit preoccupied with recovering from a near-death experience!" It was all Ysayle could do from seething, but by the gods she wished Surkukteni was there.

"The problem isn't that you survived, it's that the circumstances in which you damn well seemed to die should have never happened." Estinien sounded as if he were trying his hardest to not shout, voice restrained and body still as tense as a bow pulled beyond its limit. "That I contributed to you feeling as if the only way you could be of any use to us was to sacrifice yourself for our cause still eats at me to this day - not at all lessened by how much it clearly pains Surkukteni to be without you. That neither of us could do anything to stop or aid you remains a sticking point ever still, and I know I’m speaking for Surkukteni in this moment but she’s no doubt expressed similar sentiments to you herself." His voice cracked further as he finished his piece, still refusing to even look at her.

In all honesty, Ysayle had expected him to tear into her - to fault her for everything, for not saying anything about her return to health - yet that so much of what he said was placing the blame on himself quelled her frustration somewhat, whilst tempering her anger moreso. If anything, it just surprised Ysayle. This didn't at all sound like the same man. ...The man who berated her for her optimism and idealism.

"I don’t understand,” she muttered, shaking her head as she tried to clear her muddied thoughts - where to even begin processing that. “You hated me, you made that much very clear - why do you sound like you don’t?”

“Outlandish idea, but mayhap because I don’t?” Estinien flinched at his own tone, finally letting go of the bottle to keep it from shattering in his grip - running that same hand across his face and brushing aside silver bangs momentarily before they shielded his expression yet again. “...There’s no excusing what I said or did back then. I can wish all I want that I’d never said those things to you, but what good will that do?”

“What are you getting at with this?” Ysayle’s arms crossed over her chest almost defensively, flinching backwards at his shift in tone - it was so alien to hear his voice take that vulnerable quality, it felt wrong. “We were enemies. Opposites ideologically and factionally - so why do you seem so broken up over this?”

“Because when you extended an offer of aid, I took it as an opportunity to tear into you. Because when you did what you could to help us even as it violated your morality and better judgement, I still berated you regardless. None of what I did was fair nor right, especially as you and Surkukteni grew closer.”

“I killed your countrymen, I worked with the Horde that killed your family - why the change in heart?”

“...Do you truly believe I’m incapable of such a thing?” A heavy sigh slipped from Estinien, dragging his hand across his face yet again. “Do you truly believe that I am without regrets for what I’ve done and said and enabled?”

“‘Tis not as if you’ve given me much reason to believe otherwise.” Ysayle’s arms tightened around her chest, knowing damn well what she said wasn’t entirely true.

“Ysayle.”

Her name said with his voice - something she damn well wasn’t used to - had her freeze in place, watching as he finally turned to face her. Fitting that one could describe his eyes as stormy, as all she could see in them was a tumult of emotion like the name implied. And unless her mind was playing tricks on her, she swore they were the slightest bit red.

“I’m sorry,” Estinien began, surprising her with the sincerity in which he spoke. “I’m sorry for what I did and what I said - for undermining and belittling your beliefs. I took you for granted, and that’s my fault to bear. Allies by circumstance or no, how I acted was inappropriate. I know words mean little, but it ought to be said regardless.”

Mayhap it spoke to how little faith Ysayle had in Estinien from when they knew each other or mayhap just a general lack of faith in her fellow mortals, but an apology was the last thing she’d expected - let alone from him, genuinely taking her by surprise and caught speechless yet again. She blinked wide eyes at him, trying to keep her jaw from going slack yet finding her ears betrayed her as they perked up and folded flat against her head - the godsdamned things. It took her far too long to realize he was waiting for her to respond, the quiet that stretched between them an increasingly awkward one.

Ysayle would answer honestly: “I don’t know what to say,” she muttered, a hand falling over her mouth.

“You don’t need to. Frankly, that you can respond at all is beyond what I ever expected.”

Right, the dying business. Ysayle’s lips folded into a thin line as she watched Estinien, trying to see when this facade would crack - this had to be some joke she was being strung along into! - yet...she saw nothing. One could probably tell the moment she realized his sincerity - how her eyes widened slightly, how her ears drooped down more noticeably - but she at least elucidated this and didn’t stay silent.

“You genuinely mean it,” she muttered, surprise tinging her words. “Don’t you?”

“I’m a shit liar, so you’d know if I didn’t.” The bottle was retrieved again, though this time he leaned back against the cabinet as he took another swig from it. It hung just shy of an ilm from his lips - drawn into a line - as he stared down at it, expression difficult to read. Only after a moment did he glance back, looking forlorn - guilty, even. “I don’t wish to excuse my actions. I’d rather focus on how I can make things right by you.”

“Which, apparently, has been the theme of these four years for you,” Ysayle muttered, almost wishing she were closer so she could steal that bottle for herself.

#original #wip #writing #fic wips #estinien #ysayle #ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #surkukteni #surkie #im so excited because this is the sequel to the dream fic

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