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Cruel Intentions

Cruel Intentions was the most forbidden movie my 11-year-old brain could possibly imagine. 1) it was all about sex 2) it starred teenagers and 3) those teenagers’ motivations were just right there in the title. I didn’t see it in full until I was 25 years old. It was re-released for its 20-year-anniversary and I was curious to see how well it held up, both as an artifact of the 90s and as relevant to today. Does it live up to the dark, sticky legacy my 11-year-old self could have imagined? Well...

I hate to say it but...no? The half that has aged fine has aged fine. No real additional layers of meaning or transformative commentary in the past 20 years have been added. But the half that has aged poorly has aged really fucking poorly. While there are moments of truly inspiring cinema to be found here, this sordid tale of high school seniors betraying and fucking each other has no real central hero or villain to root for or against, which makes it kind of a convoluted mess.

Quick plot summary for the uninitiated. It’s summertime for rich assholes in New York City, and Sebastian (Ryan Phillipe) makes a bet with his stepsister Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar, relishing every minute) that he can get the new student starting at school, self-avowed virgin and all around good person Annette (Reese Witherspoon), to sleep with him before the semester starts. But uh-oh, over the course of his deception, he falls in love with Annette for real and can’t deflower her. Until he does anyway? But it’s for love. And he’s still kind of an asshole and terrible person. And then he dies and everyone finds out what a bitch Kathryn is and The Verve makes $20 million because everyone’s new favorite song is “Bittersweet Symphony.”

Some thoughts:

As an artifact of the 90s, you can’t get much better than this. The tiniest sunglasses that do NOTHING! The pastels! The sheer blouses over spaghetti strap tank tops! Even this font in the credits looks 90s. The nostalgia is THICK with this one.

And this soundtrack is excellent through and through. *puts on repeat on Spotify*

What happened to Sean Patrick Thomas? Between this and Save the Last Dance, he was my ultimate ~artistic~ dreamboat guy of 1999. I just saw him in The Curse of La Llorona where he was woefully underused. I need a Sean Patrick Thomas renaissance, stat.

Oh shit, and Tara Reid! Oh what a terrible crier she is here. But I suppose that’s to be expected with her awful mother who is a psychologist and slut-shaming her own daughter when she knows what an asshole Sebastian is.

Sebastian is so insufferably full of himself that it’s frankly nauseating BUT I will say, watching him make fun of Christine Baranski is pretty funny.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is honestly the most flawless and iconic part of this movie because it’s clear she’s having so. much. fun.

It’s confusing when every film and tv show uses 20-something actors to play teens but if they’re starting school in the fall that means Sebastian and Katherine both are maximum 17? And he’s meant to have slept with this many girls already? Bullshit. Have you met 17-year-olds? Especially before Instagram and YouTube were a thing? Give me a break. 

Way to throw around a shitton of gay slurs, wowie wow 1999 how I did not miss that. Plus the whole “closeted gay guy has Barbara Streisand cds” thing...god I’m glad we’ve moved past that, not because the joke is offensive, but because it’s just about as funny as saying “Women like cats.” It’s not even a punchline, that’s just you saying a sentence.

I literally can’t believe we’re supposed to root for Sebastian at any point in this movie when he made a bet in order to buttfuck his stepsister.

Selma Blair is overacting like hell in every scene she’s in, but she’s having nearly as much fun as SMG, so I’ll allow it.

And even though I’m obviously so into the #iconic scene giffed above, the way two girls kissing is filmed makes it seem like THE most voyeuristic, salacious thing which is pretty gross. 

Why would you put perfume on before you get into a pool, Annette??

SMG’s monologue about unfair pressure for girls is LEGIT. This is probably the only scene in the movie, where she describes how much pressure she’s under to be the perfect little lady even though she’s smart and driven and actually likes sex, that has aged really well and feels very relevant to today.

Um...did Sebastian just get a girl drunk and commit sexual assault? Yeah, that really cancels out SMG’s female empowerment monologue up above like what the snail-sucking FUCK.

The line “But I have theater tickets!!” is the funniest goddamn thing in this movie.

Can we talk about how it makes no sense that Annette likes Sebastian at all? They have nothing in common, and he treats her like an idiot most of the time when he’s not gaslighting her SO HARD. Is it the mystery? Girl, buy yourself a Nancy Drew book, because he’s not fucking worth it.

Ok but “Colorblind” is still an amazing song, damn. And the lighting in this love scene between Annette and Sebastian is incredible. But why are they so sweaty when they’re doing it? And again, why is she into him in the first place???

I can’t believe Sebastian thinks giving Annette the journal will solve things. Who reads this and says “yeah this guy gets a pass”???

Who is this person inciting a riot at a funeral?

I love that we realize what everyone is reading when people start looking at Kathryn and doing the slow head shakes. And why should we be happy about Kathryn’s comeuppance when Sebastian never really proved that he had changed and did all this fucked up stuff too?

I don’t think I realized how nonsensical this movie was in its goal of being ~scandalous~. I feel like I have whiplash between one scene and the next. You hate Sebastian, then he’s kinda dreamy, then he’s a rapist, then we’re meant to sympathize with him because he laughed ONE TIME? Each individual scene is good, but all together they make no real sense. Still a banging soundtrack tho.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

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over the years. people in the Political and legal system and councils have blatantly shown me that they are care free and above the rules laid for others in the UK, this includes some TV Media agencies also.

over the years. people in the Political and legal system and councils have blatantly shown me that they are care free and above the rules laid for others in the UK, this includes some TV Media agencies also.

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Video game Of Thrones Tv show 703 Recap

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