#Stretch Film rewinding machine

[s1aywalker]

꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ straight to video. ꨄ

↷ ✩ —— video store clerk sam monroe headcanons. (nsfw 18+)

warnings: smutty smutty smutty. minors do not interact or else i'll collect your kneecaps. porn (duh), masturbation.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who lingers and hangs back a little too long in the furthest section of the video store every time he has to put away the lazily disinfected x-rated returns back into their designated slots.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who makes a bad habit out of scoping out the newest releases when he unboxes them before they hit the shelves. it's not usually anything super crazy— the same old titles with "busty" and "hot" in big bold letters. most of the covers are on the classier end, displaying lingerie clad women tantalizing the potential renter with what lies within. but some of them... some of them lacked any subtly at all.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who has to take a sneak peek at all the dirtier titles that occasionally came through their doors. the ones marketed as more "hardcore" that don't bother teasing or leaving the viewer wondering— instead showing blondes with fake tits on the cover, one or two or more cocks shoved into their mouths, full cunts on display and leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination before even hitting play.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who doesn't always bother checking the most interesting ones out. they don't even make it out of the fucking store, let alone into the privacy of his own bedroom. he's instead taking his pick and inquisitiveness into the back room at the end of his shift when he should solely be focusing on putting a rewind on the stack of returns. the ones that are being dragged along under his arm with the selected gangbang in brand new condition that he gets to test run first.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who puts his curiosity before his nonexistent work ethic because he's known to be impatient, and immediately feeds the tape into the mouth of an older model vcr that brings the film to life with a mechanical whirr.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe whose impatience in question forces him to press fast forward as he sits on the shitty couch with stained cushions from spilled lunches and dinners. forwarding and forwarding until he finds a scene that makes his whole body react and his dick twitch, and he knows he has to make this quick.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who lets the explicit sounds of pornographic moans and skin against skin fill the space of the small room, and he's about to add to the harmony of it. his fingers are quickly undoing the buckle of his studded belt and letting it fall open just as the film plays at a normal pace, and he can't reach his hand into the confines of those baggy hot topic bought tripp pants fast enough.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who works his wrist at a deliberate and desperate pace that might've left burn marks if he weren't a seasoned, jerking off professional. he's trying to match the rhythm of the video playing out before him of a stretched cunt getting repeatedly fucked and hammered into, while her stuffed throat can't make any sound other than lewd gurgles. he doesn't even know what this chick really looks like, he didn't catch enough of the beginning. but he also doesn't fucking care what she looks like. his eyes are too busy glued elsewhere and he refuses to let them screw shut.

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe whose teeth are clicking against the labret pierced through his lower lip as he sucks in harsh breaths in between groans, and bites at the skin while his chest heaves with whimpers. "c'mon please, please, please—" he's not sure what exactly he's begging for... the sweet release, he supposes. every tug and stroke from his fist brought him closer and closer and—

𝜗𝜚˚⋆ sam monroe who doesn't waste much time after cum coats his hand. the mess is lazily wiped on his shirt after he shoved his cock back into his boxers and it's like nothing happened at all. he reaches to rewind the tape back to the beginning until it clicks and the machine spits it back out, and it's shoved back into the pristine sleeve to be put aside before he moves on to the stack of returns.

[slittingmachine]

Stretch film slitting and rewinding machine

[ssw001]

An Overview of Stretch Film Manufacturing Machines: Types and Functions

Stretch Film Manufacturing Machines are specialized pieces of equipment used to produce stretch film, which is commonly used for packaging and securing products during transportation and storage. These machines play a crucial role in ensuring the durability, elasticity, and quality of the stretch film. Here's an overview of the types of stretch film manufacturing machines and their functions:

1. Blown Film Extrusion Machines:

Description: These machines use the blown film extrusion process to produce stretch film. The process involves melting polymer granules and extruding them through an annular slit die, followed by blowing to expand the film into a tube and cooling it to form the film.

Function: Blown film extrusion machines provide films with higher puncture resistance and more strength compared to other types. They allow for better control over film thickness and quality.

2. Cast Film Extrusion Machines:

Description: In contrast to blown film machines, cast film extrusion machines use a flat die to extrude the molten polymer. The extruded film is then cooled on chilled rollers.

Function: These machines produce films that are clearer and have better cling properties than blown films. Cast film machines generally have higher production rates and produce films with more consistent thickness.

3. Co-extrusion Film Machines:

Description: Co-extrusion machines combine multiple layers of material into a single stretch film product. These machines can have two or more extruders to process different types of polymers or the same polymer with different properties.

Function: The primary function is to produce multilayer stretch films, where each layer can impart different characteristics such as strength, cling, puncture resistance, or barrier properties.

4. Pre-stretch Film Machines:

Description: These machines are designed to stretch the film mechanically before it is wound onto rolls. The pre-stretching process improves the film's yield and can significantly reduce material costs.

Function: They elongate the film by using rollers rotating at different speeds. The resulting film is thinner but has increased strength and is more economical due to reduced material usage.

5. Rewinding Machines:

Description: After the film is extruded and wound onto large rolls, rewinding machines are used to convert these large rolls into smaller, more manageable rolls for commercial distribution.

Function: These machines rewind the film from the larger rolls to smaller ones, often adding a secondary layer of packaging. They can also be used to inspect the film for defects and ensure quality control.

6. Recycling Machines:

Description: In an effort to promote sustainability, some stretch film manufacturing setups include recycling machines that process production waste or used stretch film.

Function: These machines clean, melt, and pelletize the waste film, turning it back into a usable form for manufacturing, thus reducing waste and promoting circular economy practices.

Choosing the Right Machine:

The choice of machine depends on the desired film properties, production volume, and specific application requirements. For example, high-clarity film requirements might favor cast film machines, while high-strength films might be better produced with blown film machines.

By understanding the different types of Stretch Film Manufacturing Machines and their functions, manufacturers can select the most appropriate equipment to meet their production needs and produce high-quality stretch film for various packaging applications.

[slitterkew]

The KEW ENGG MFG PVT LTD slitter rewinding machine ensures perfect slitting of rolls with Felicitous impeccable quality and continuous line speed. It is receivable in an adjustable model to suit your needs. Release film is usually applied to fiber reinforced plastics and glass reinforced plastics. Our Release Film Slitter Rewinder Machine specially designed with rewind sensation system is capable of converting and controlling the tension on the air shaft.

[slitterrewinder]

We Are Leading Manufacturer, Supplier and Exporter from Ahmedabad. Different Types Of Slitter Rewinder Machine, Paper Slitter Machines, Heavy Duty Slitting Rewinding Machine, Jumbo Paper Roll Slitter Rewinder Machine, Bond, Butter, Thermal Paper Slitting Rewinding Machine Manufacturer, Coated Paper Slitter Rewinder Machine, Filter Paper Slitter Rewinder Machine and Butter Paper Slitter Rewinder Machine.

[rubberrollin]

We are Manufacturer, Exporter & Supplier Hi-Speed Slitter Rewinder Machines with heavy duty slit process, Stretch Film Slitter Rewinder Machine, Film Slitting Rewinder Machine, LLDPE Stretch Film Slitting Rewinding Machine, Stretch Film Slitting machine, Stretch Film rewinding machine, specially designed for film material with suitable adjustment. Slitting of all types of material like Plastic, Paper, Flexible Packaging, PVC, Aluminium Foil, Stretch Film, LDPE Film, BOPP Film, BOPP Tape, OPP, METPET, Pet Film, OPA, Non-Woven Fabric, Paper Board, Adhesive Tape.

[textilesmachine]

Krishna Engineering Works dealing on manufacturing and exporting Roll Wrapping Machine. A genuine specialized supplier of Roll Wrapping Machine, Coil Wrapping. Our machines are designed with a wide range of quality for long lasting heavy duty process, specially for cutting in different sizes from 12 mm to 1000 mm. Also, we manufacturing of all types of Technical Textile Machinery. Stretch Film is an elastic polyethylene film, also known as Pallet Stretch Film. Fabric Roll Wrapping Machine is extensively used for packing & securing loads stacked in pallets & gives extensive protection from dust & rain.

[slittingrewindingmachinenet]

Roll Wrapping Machine Manufacturer, heavy duty Roll Wrapping Machine, Pallet Wrap Machine, and Roll Stretch Film Wrap Machine Exporter from India. Our machines are designed with a wide range of quality for long lasting heavy duty process, especially for cutting in different sizes from 12 mm to 1000 mm. Slitter Rewinder Machine, Winder Rewinder Machine. All types of Roll Wrapping, Roll Stretch Wrap Machine, Carton, Water Tank, Cloth Roll, Nylon Roll, etc. Easy loading and unloading of Fabric roll and ease of integration into conveyor lines High energy saving-more than 90% saving over shrink wrapping.

http://www.slittingrewindingmachine.net/roll-wrapping-machine/

[unwindermachine]

We are engaged in Manufacturing, Exporting & Supplying of Flexible Packaging, Paper, Tire–Cord, Textile Machinery & Equipment. Roll Wrapping Machine, Reel Wrapping Machine, Pallet Wrapping Machine, Mini Roll Wrapping Machine, Ring Wrapping Machine, Carton Box Stretch Wrapping Machine, Coil Wrapping Machine, Stretch Film Wrapping Machine, Door Wrapping Machine, Water Tank Wrapping Machine, Heavy Duty Roll Wrapping Machine, Mini Roll Wrapping Machine. High quality spare parts Winding Rewinding Machine.

[slitter-rewinder-machine]

We are a Leading Manufacturer exports & supplies of Roll Slitting Rewinding Machines, Jumbo Roll Slitting Rewinding Machine, our product range also comprises of Stretch Slitting Machine, Rotogravure Printing Machine, Stretch Slitting Rewinding Machine, Drum Type Slitting Rewinding Machines, Paper Slitter Rewinder Machines, Film Slitter Rewinder Machines, Tape Slitter Rewinder Machines, Foil Slitting Rewinding Machines, Fabric Slitter Rewinder Machines, Flexible Packaging Films Slitter Rewinder Machine .

[rewindingmachine]

Krishna Engineering Works is biggest manufacturer of Polyester Slitter rewinder machine at best price. Slitting of all types of material like Plastic, Paper, Flexible Packaging, PVC, Aluminium Foil, Stretch Film, LDPE Film, BOPP Film, BOPP Tape, OPP, METPET, Pet Film, OPA, Non-Woven Fabric, Paper Board, Adhesive Tape, Film Ribbon, Textile Cloth, Nylon Fabric, Micro Tape, Coated Paper, Ice Cream Cup Paper, Fax Roll, Laminated Film, Cling Film, Duct Tape, Mask Tape, Rubber, Tarpaulin, Tube, etc. For more information visit our website: krishnaengineeringworks.com

[ssw001]

[popculturebuffet]

The Lion King Review and Analysis “Happy Birthday Kevin!”

Hello all you happy people! Today’s review is a special gift in honor of a special friend who without whom this blog woudln’t be making nearly as content and two of my best retrospectives, The Three Cablleros and Lena Retrospectives, wouldn’t even exist. 

Of course i’m talking about @weirdkev27, one of my patrons on patreon, and a guy who goes out of his way to comission reviews from me on a weekly basis, sometims more than once. It’s thanks to him i’ve been able to sorta make a living of this and trying to not put my ENTIRE finacial well being on his back is the reason i’m currently doing a patreon membership drive. For a buck a month you get exclusive reviews, to pick a short when I review a bunch of them for disney and looney tunes character brithdays, and if you bump up to five you get a review a month of any episode of any show. And with the membership going right now I have stretch goals to hit to unlock reviews for everybody so go join up RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. 

But i’m not bringing this up just to plug myself: I genuinely appricate Kev, and he’s been a wonderful creative partner not only having REALLY great ideas for retrospectives (After the current Ducktales one we have Wallace and Gromit and The Evil Dead a coming so you can thank him for those), but also being respectful, asking what my pricing models are, making sure I get paid fairly, paying me promptly... he’s a really good dude is what i’m saying. 

So when he asked to comission something for his birthday I gave it to him for free because he’s given me such good business and when he asked the limit on that and then explained he wanted me to review the original lion king, and CLEARLY would back down if I asked him to... I said sure. 

I had not seen this film in well over a decade and frankly that was a clear “shame on me moment” for not doing so for so long. See this is a nice contrast to my LAST look at a classic Disney Movie that was popular with my generation, A Goofy Movie. That one I ended up loving but didn’t really remember well from childhood as the hot tub and principal call scenes really scared the crap out of me and made me not like what was honestly an utterly masterful flim. 

Lion King on the otherhand? I remmebered beat for beat. I forgot some things sure, my memory is crap a lot of the time and what it retains is a roulette wheel spin I take every day so it’s not a suprise, but the general plot, the lyrics to the songs.. it was all burned into my brain  depsite again, not having watched this film in god knows how long. I have warm memories of watching this film at my Grandma’s on her old VCR, using the rewinder, and yes there was a device JUST for rewinding tapes, to spin it back after. And granted I sound old as hell saying all this and I don’t care. This film was firmly part of my childhood alongside Aladdin (My personal faviorite disney film as a kid), The Little Rascals (My faviorite film period as a kid) and Problem Child. Rewatching it made me feel like a kid again and reminded me how much I used to love this film while making me fall in love with lit all over again. So obviously this reviews going ot be pretty gushing, i’m not going to hide that nor is childhood nostaliga going to prevent me from picking apart it’s few flaws. 

So yeah this was a pleasure so thank you Kev.. and a happiest birthday to you dear friend I look forward to working with you for years to come. So join me under the cut as I pick apart Disney’s masterpiece won’t you?

As a note I watched this film last night with my good friend @jess-the-vampire. The two of us have a weekly movie night on Tuesdays and weds days on her days off. Granted sometimes we just binge shows (it’s how she got caught up on Amphibia and how I got her into Tuca and Bertie), but lately we’ve mostly been focusing on watching through all the direct to video scooby doo movies. It’s a trip and it’s given me PLENTY of things to review good, bad and “Fred mourning the mystery machine like it’s his dead wife and he most certainly made love to it”. That’s not even me joking the film has him call it baby and say “I know every sound it makes”. Fred had consensual sex with a van and I still don’t know how to properly deal with it. Point is she was fine with watching this and as happens with my star vs and owl house reviews provided valuable insight in a place or two. And the best chapter heading i’ve ever had. Okay now tha’ts out of way

The Making of: Finding making of stuff wasn’t as difficult this time, with me primarily going off an oral history as I didn’t have time to watch Disney’s offical docs. But needless to say most of it can easily be peppered in as we go, but I do have a few extra things I can get to before the film proper so.. here we are. 

The film started as King of the Jungle a passion project of Jeffery Katzenberg who greenlit it and got people on board. He also claims the idea of family drama is his though there’s no real consensus: in teh oral history I found some said it was him some said it came later in development. My guess?

Point is the film was greenlit slowly evolving into it’s natural state: it first started as more of a “national geographic special” come to life but eventual rewrites turned it more into a combination of a heroes journey, as Disney was apparently REALLY big on doing one of those for every story at the time to the point a cliff’s notes version of “hero of a thousand faces” was given to writers to help them get it down pat, and hamlet. King Lear was the original base point but once they realized the evil uncle angle with Scar it became obvious and little other elements seeeped in. ONe of those was NOT Kimba the White lion. I”m getting this out of the way NOW: It was not based on the manga Kimba the white Lion. I would say more but HONESTLY I only know this not to be so true because Adam, the guy behind the youtube channel yourmoviessuckdotorg, did a two and a half hour video on Kimba throughly debunking this misconception while also showing just how throughly weird this franchise is. Keep in mind this spiraled out of him simply wanting to mention the controversy and finding it SUCH bullshit he spent two and a half hours tearing it the fuck apart. You can find it HERE. 

They also had no idea this would be the MASSIVE hit it would be. Yeah this film while a passion project of Katzenberg, wasn’t really given the stuido’s a-team to work with and while still given a hefty budget and plenty of star power, wasn’t expected to be a huge hit: just a modest one to tie disney over till theri real, super star, tried and true ultra mega smash for next year: Pocahontas 

I know i’m REALLY laughing at this. Pocahantas... one of disney’s worst ideas, the film that was a nauseating mixture of cultural apporiration, heavy handed racisim aesops that fell into “both sides-ism”, forced animal sidekicks, forgetable villians, a very cliche “princess wants better” story that just didn’t work with the framework and unintetional racisim in a film trying to be anti-racist. As you can tell I don’t have fond memories of this one, and Lindsay Ellis has torn it apart enough for me not to have to get into it some day. 

And this isn’t even just me as a more knowledgble adult who sees how cringetastic the film is: at the time it bombed heavily and was critcized for a lot of this and as a kid, not knowing shit about racisim, I just found it really boring. The best I can say about it is Colors of the Wind really fucking slaps. That song is too good for the movie it’s in. 

And to just rub salt in the wound while fellow flop the Goofy Movie got a critical revaluation over time and audience love and support via VHS, Pocahantas.. would be buired six feet deep and one of it’s stars would go on to be better known as an anti-semtic and abusive piece of shit.

But back to the actual movie before it’s Kevin’s NEXT birthday, point is this film was an unepxected hit and has become one of Disney’s most loved and profitable films. Let’s get into why shall we

The Circle of Life: We begin with one of the most iconic openings in all of Cinema: the Circle of Life. The majestic shots of the various animals of the Savannah, coupled with the amazing song written by Elton John, it’s easily one of the best songs in Disney History and one of their best openings. Just starting this movie last night my jaw dropped at seeing it in HD for the first time: every frame BEAUTIFULLY holds up, every animal moves as it would in the wild, not wasting a second or a movement, and there’s tons of gorgeous sunrisen detail as the whole of nature moves to greet their new prince. It’s just utterly mesmersing and engaging and gets you into the film right away. 

Disney also for once knew what they had, and thus used this as the teaser trailer.. and damn straight they did: this is an engaging hook that instnatly invests you in the film and what’s happening. The animation being this good is also no accident: the crew took a trip to africa for research, something not really heard of at the time but ended up being vital to the film as it allowed the animators to view these animals in their natural habitats and thus animate them naturally and gracefully as they are in the wild and the resutls speak for themselves. Over 25 years later, 30 in just 3 short years, and this film’s animation looks as gorgeous as it did in 94. 

It’s here we meet Mufasa, King of the Jungle voiced by utter legend and sith lord James Earl Jones, who proudly hands his son Simba over to Rafiki, voiced by Robert Gulliane, a legendary actor who stretched from stage to Screen and even lead his own show Benson, taking Simba from his life voiced by fellow legend Madge Sinclair. Needless to say this cast is both stacked and has a nice amount of amount of diversity for the time. 

Rafiki is a shamn, marking Simba with some tribal paint and then iconically holding the boy to the air to all the animals. This shot would be endlessly parodied from here to doomsday but it’s iconic for a reason. 

Before we move on the names are a result of the crew having an english to swahilli dictonary.. yes really. I.. honestly don’t know what to add to that but felt i’d be leaving something out if I left it out so moving on. 

There is one notable absence from the “Look at my baby isn’t he neat” Ceremony: Scar, Mufasa’s brother voiced by Jeremey Irons. Scar is one of the best Disney Villians of all time and one of the most loved for damn good reason, a master manipulator with a dry sarcastic wit and a cool design. 

He didn’t attend because as the king’s brother he was next in line.. and Simba means he’s essentially cut from the line of succesion and isn’t happy about it. Zazu, Mufasa’s chief advisor and tiny bird voiced by my boy Rowan Attkinson, chides him for it and also dickishly rubs the fact Scar isn’t going to be king in his face. Don’t get me wrong Scar himself is a peak asshole and his not attending is ENTIRELY a passive agressive jab at his brother and his newborn nephew. But Zazu rubbing salt in that wound dosen’t make HIM any better.. and is also really stupid given Scar nearly murders him and only dosen’t because Mufasa shows up just in time and puts Scar in his place, making it clear that if Scar actually challenged Mufasa for the crown, he’d die slow die fast now. It’s also clear this tension isn’t going anywhere and will only fester. 

Some Years of Festering Later:

Simba is now a kid, cutely waking up his parents. Simba is voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. If you don’t know that name.. fair enough, he hasn’t really done much since the 90′s where he was one of the kids on the Tim Allen sitcom Home Improvment, back when tim allen was america’s goofy dad instead of it’s trumptastic grandpa. He bankrolled that into a teen hearthrob career then just sorta quitely retired from acting an does a decent job here: a bit too loud but the kid could emote really well and does get to carry some really powerful moments, so he’s not a bad actor. I do however question hiring a white kid, and a white adult, to play Simba when both his parents are voiced by black actors and it comes off as a racist move by want to slap some marketable white people in there instead of letting a black voice actor break out with the roll. 

So after waking his dad they go out for the morning rounds, wtih Zazu giving his morning report... which orignally had a song here. I know because the edition that restored it got promoted ENDLESSLY on disney channel so that small sectoin of the song they played is in my head. ON. LOOP. 

But yeah Simba has no real respect for Zazu, shocker, and neither does Mufasa who uses the poor guy for pouncing practice. This.. really is a dick move not going to lie. 

Mufasa then teaches Simba thee importance of the food chain and this is something I like about the film: the animals.. are still animals. They talk like humans.. but they still hunt and still eat other animals. It’s also emphasised WHY this was okay as it’s the natural order: the lions eat the antelope, and the lions will later decompose becoming the food for the grass, which the antelope eat. It’s a nice way of describing the food chain and showing WHY: it’s simply nature and nature is beautiful but also terrifying. It’s the circle of life as explained at the beginning. 

It also shows Mufasa off as a wise and noble ruler.. but he’s not without blind spots as while he tells Simba everything the light touches at himn the dark is releigated to the hyennas, who are practically starving and who if they so much as dare to move into the pridelands are chased off, as Mufasa runs off to do.

This is something unteitonal in the scipt but in a lesser film could create a problem: Mufasa comes off racist. 

Yeah.... he keeps another species, who just wants to eat more than scrap, in the most desolate, lifeless area, dosen’t give them anything himself and attack sthem when they come into his territory. While this is supposed to just be because the Hyenas are EVILLLLLLL and lions and hyeneas are natural rivals, when you anthromorphize them, it makes it seem like he’s instead a petty racist dick. 

However.. it somehow DOSEN’T ruin the film. It simply makes Mufasa flawed: he’s a wise noble leader mostly.. but his racist and short sighed blindspot towards the Hyenas mean they rightfully resent him. It shows racisim is ultimately pointless and self destructive and that hating someone just for being another race... ends up destroying you. That wasn’t INTETIONAL, but had Mufasa been a just leader to them, Scar would NEVER have been able to kill him or take over pride rock later in the film. It also allows Simbas flaws more wiggle room as while his own father’s flaws are worse it shows even his seemingly perfect father was an imperfect ruler and he has the chance to be better. This is something I honestly wish the remake explored more and as far as I can tell it didn’t. I’m not watching it unless someone pays me for a reivew saying that now and keep in mind this is a flim with both Donald Glover AND my spirtual dad John Oliver in it. If them combined can’t get me to watch something you know it’s so toxic a muk will run from it. 

Anyways Simba is naturally curious about the Hyena terriotory which his dad didn’t tell him shit about because vaugely hinting about something to your child and saying don’t do that is the quickest way to get them to do that. 

The second quickest is their uncle talking them into it as Simba goes to talk to Scar, who shows just how awesomely manipulative he is. And as Jess put it to Simba.. Scar’s just his moody uncle. Unlike his dad, who knows what his brother is capable of to a point, and simply just underestimated HOW badly Scar wanted the throne, Simba fully trusts Scar. So Scar shows off just HOW skilled a manipulator he is by abusing that trust: he fully plays simba, using the child’s need to be seen as brave like his dad to hype up the elephant’s graveyard, even naming it for the kid and telling him only the bravest go there KNOWING what his nephew will do and knowing that it will likely result in the death of his only competition for the throne. But i’s also done in a way that gives Scar deniablity. After all he could easily spin how he talked to simba as just trying to respect the boy’s intellegence or just teling him stories not thinking he’d actually doing it while knowing full well it’s all bullshit. This gives him a perfect deniable death.  It also shows off Scar’s craft: He’s already bought of the Hyena’s as we’ll see later, he simply waited for the right trap to spring on his newphew’s neck. 

I Just Can’t Wait To Be King:

Simba goes to hang out with his best friend Nala and sneak over, and we get a cute scene of both being bathed byt heir mothers as cats do. There is a wrinkle though as they send Zazu to babysit the kids to the watering hole, Simba’s cover, but Simba naturally planned for that and shows that even if he’s rambunctious and short sighed, he’s not dumb and does have some clever planning skills. 

So he distracts him via song, I Just Can’t Wait To Be King, an utterly awesome track. The animation here is colorful as all hell, and the lyrics are just fun as Simba boastas about the power and seeming freeodom of being a king and is a huge dick to zazu. It showss off how the boy dosen’t get what being a king really is, the chains of command and the power and responsiblity that come with them in a fun kid freindly way that’s also a real fun bop. You also really CAN’T blame  Simba for not liking Zazu when Zazu constantly talks down to the boy and acts like he’s the worst when he’s just you know, a child. It’s just a fun show of the dynamic between the two. As one last note as I don’t have much other to say about this song other than “it slaps”, Jason weaver sings instead of JTT, and would later go on to be on Smart Guy.. and also go by the name J-Weav for some reason. 

Weaver does a great job though and the song’s iconic for good reason, I just really don’t have a ton to say about it. 

So Simba and Nala head to the elephant graveyard and encounter Zazu... who apparenntly can teleport and wnats to take them home... only for the three to encounter the hyenas, Shenzi, Banzi and Ed, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, Cheech Maron and Jim Cummings. As for how they got the parts as you can probably guess by Maron’s casting they WANTED his partner Tommy Chong for the Shenzi roll, but Chong was too busy. This ended up working out great as while I love chong from that 70′s show, Goldberg is a better fit as the leader and more compietent one of these chuckleheads. Jim Cummings meanwhile go this roll because voice acting legend Frank Welker, aka Fred “Vanfucker” Jones, Megatron and Scooby Dooby Doo among MANY others, coudln’t get the roll down right and recommended Jim, and since Jim had already worked witht he company a lot it likely wasn’t a hard sell. The three are great characters, Shenzi being a fun, clever leader but still goofy in her own right, Banzi being her sarcastic sidekick and ed just sorta making various noises and being entertaining for it. 

But the film makes no bones about the fact that, while comical, these three ARE deadly predators and are more than willing to murder all three , not helped by Simba announcing he’s the prince.. aka the son of the guy whose the reason their exiled here. A really harrowing chase ensues and the three NEARLY die.. until Motherfucking Mufasa makes his presence know with a giant roar and scares them the fuck off telling them to NEVER fuck with his son again or else, scarring the crap out of them, and Simba and also me because James Earl Jones can be pants destroyingly terrifying when he wnats to be. 

He then sternly tells Zazu to take Nala home, he’s going to have a talk with Simba.. which made me worry given his tone but it turns out Mufasa is a fair and just parent: he does chide his son for near sucidally risking his life and disobeying him... but listens to his reasons why, wanting to be brave and fearless like his dad and pointing out why their flawed: Mufasa is brave sure.. but that’s not what makes a king. And as for fearless.. he was TERRIFIED seeing his son in mortal peril. Being a king isn’t about being strong or powerful or imposing.. it’s about what’s inside you, about knowing what to do and standing up when the time is right. He also makes a pointed and important observation when Simba assumes he’ll be around forever: he won’t. No one lives forever, but to Mufasa the kings live in the stars, and he’lla lways be iwth him in a way.. but someday he will be gone. 

The Coup of the Century:

So we cut back to the Hyena’s who are squabbling amongst themselves until Scar comes in revealing himself as his boss.. something I didn’t bother to hide because this film is only slightly younger than I am. He, being a terrible boss as well as an even worse brother, is annoyed they didn’t do a murder on his nephew and when one jests that “what were we going to do kill mufasa”.. that’s exactly what Scar wanted and reveals his end game in the classic disney manner.. in a banger ofa villian song...

...... what. 

Fresh hell. 

Is this? 

How the hell did John Faverau, Disney, Chewetel Ejofor, and Mickey Mouse HIMSELF think that taking one of the most iconic, riviting, and just play badass villian songs of all time in both visual and music and making it into a spoken word piece even William Shatner and shooting it at one in the morning with no lighting whatsoever so I can’t tell if scar is in this much less the hyenas, think this was a good idea? No no no let me show you how it’s done...

I know i’ve gushed about the other songs so far... and will abotu the ones remaning but holy. shit. This is, and this is with PLENTY of classic competition like “Friends on the Other Side”, “Hellfire”, “Poor Unfortunate Souls”, “Shiny”, and “Love is an Open Door”, without a doubt the BEST Disney Villian song. In just a few short minutes Scar shows WHY he’s so damn loved: the ego, the swagger, the cunning, giving the Hyean’s a cut of everything in exchange fo rbacking his plan> And all of this backed to gorgeous animation with three notable and awesome color phases: Green as Scar ramps up to his scheme, bragging about it and himself as only Jeremey Irons and Jim Cummings could, and gracefully moving, every bit of coreography as controlled and awesome as the lion himself. 

Then we move to his big grand speech in a shade of stark, striking yellow as he gets his army and they mark in step, willing to serve him for a full belly, before moving to red as he makes it VERY clear whose in charge, that they need him and just who their fucking with. IT’s fucking gorgeous, horrifying and awesome all in one package. 

And I did mentoin Jim Cummings but not for ed: See while Jeremey Irons is many awessome things a singer isn’t one of them, so while he could carry a tune well enough, a bit of the song was beyond him so Jim Cummings stepped in.. and you can’t tell the diffrence. The most I caught of jim was toward the end and even then he still sounds enough like Jeremy it’s not distracting and you’d NEVER tell if you weren’t looking for it.. I know because I COULDN’T tell last night, and only found out Jim filled in parts of the vocals in post. THAT’S how good he was. This song is straight fire and if i’ts not on any of your spotify playlists it damn well should be. 

So Scar sets out his true plan and it’s a work of poetry. Poetry written by Lex Luthor but poetry none the less. He takes Simba to a canyon, and has him wait for his dad whose TOTALLY coming there and totally dosen’t know his brother dragged his nephew into a crevice to die. 

He also tells the boy to practice his roar.. and told the hyenas to startle some nearbye wildebeasts the second it happened. This leads to an utterly horrifing and awesome sight as the poor child is caught in a storm of scared stamping hooves. One of the crew had the idea for this after seeing a stampeded of Wildebeasts on tv, but the rest of the crew were skeptical. Not because it wasn’t cool it was but because “how the hell could we pull this off.”. The answer was computers: they animated the beasts in CG, used cell shading to make them look real and then used a program to make the patterns random like a real stampede. The result.. is flawless. I genuinely can’t tell it’s the same drawing over and over again and the motion is frantic and terrifying and melds perfectly

Scar’s next step is to bring Mufasa to the stampede, and Zazu but he quickly takes care of that complicatoin, knockign the bird out in a way that dosen’t implicate himself. Mufasa is able to save Simba.. but finds himself stranded on the cliff begging scar to help him... which scar naturally responds to with “Long live the king” and throwing him off a cliff. 

Before we get to his final master stroke, we get an utterly heartstomping scene. Simba goes to his dad’s corpse... and tries to get him to wake up. To obviously no avail it’s a dead body and this isn’t marvel. If it was.. he’d still be dead but he’d back in a few years or so. Maybe two. He’s a big enough character. 

Point is it’s crushing and while Jonathan Taylor thomas can be mildly annoying, he’s mostly just endearing.. and oh so good at conveying this poor child having his soul crushed in front of your eyes. 

Scar dosen’t help, feeding into Simba’s guilt over seemingly causing it and telling the boy to “run as far as you can and never come back”. Being a bastard though he dosen’t leave his bets at “hope the boy dosen’t come back and sends the hyenas after him. Simba BARELY escapes through some thorns due to his side and the Hyenas.. just let him go asuming he’ll die of heat stroke and presumibily told Scar he died. But despite this hole in things.. it still works. Scar is egostistical, he woudlnt’ dare presume his new minons would lie or that his nephew could POSSIBLY surivive out there and probably figured the hyena’s might have given up.. but it dosen’t matter. So yeah Scar completely and utterly wins and takes over and showss off his new army to the greiving masses. 

Problem Free Philosophy: 

So Simba, in one day has had his dad die, has been gaslighted into thinking he’s responsible, ran for his life and is now wandering the desert half dead surrounded by vultures ready to eat his corpse when he dies aka in a few minutes at best. 

 So jus tas he’s abotu to die he meets two new friends, protectors and replacement dads Timon and Pumbaa, played by Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella, aka america’s gay uncle and that guy what owned a resort on saved by the bell respectively. 

The duo were part of the film for some time, being fellow childhood friends of Simbas, but that was removed as it really undercut the whole food chain aspect. The two were later reinstated and reformed after Lane and Sabella, who had been doing a stage show together, riffed while auditioning for the hyenas and a month later got the call that not only did they get cast afterall after assuming they blew it, but that they riffed off each other SO well they WROTE parts just for them. The two also filled in a key gap: being the ones tha tboth took care of simba while he was in exile but also taught him to be lazy and avoid his problems. 

The two do so as they take him into the jungle, the mighty jungle, not carring that he dosen’t want to talk about his past and intorducing the kid to bugs and to their fun and fancy free life. These two characters.. are awesome. Their funny, endearing and while slackers you get why: the jungle turned i’ts back on them.. so when given the chance they don’t turn their back on Simba, instead taking him in as their own. Granted Timon later implies part of it is protection from predators... but he still took in a kid who could’ve decided “nope i’m going to eat you” and raised him with his commonlaw husband best he could, a kid who clearly had lost everything, didn’t want to talk about why, and was far from home and scared. Timon may be a bit of a jerk at time but it’s clear at his core he’s a good person. Pumbaa on the other hand is just friendly and loveable. 

The two outline their philosphy in the all time classic Hakuna Matata, which means no worries for the rest of your day. It’s another lively, iconic number iwth gorgeous visuals and is just a nice, happy break after the misery and terror of Mufasa’s death, Simba’s exile and Scar’s takeover. This was intentional: to prvent things from getting too dour but felt organic: by the time Simba runs into the two, just enough space has been given by the vulcture scene to transition back into comedy, and there’s still enough pathos in their first interaction, with Simba still heavily depressed and content to die in the desert till Timon and PUmbaa talk him into coming with, to have it not be TOO jarring. The lack of Simba telling them his story also means when his past comes crashing in on his present later, their utterly floored making for good interactions. 

The song also has a really great transition, showing Simba slowly growing before becoming a full adult played by Matthew Brodrick who DOES do an excellent job and is a talented performer. I may not like ALL his performances, Ferris Buller and Godzilla specifically aren’t great for writing reasons even if he treis his best, but he’s a damn fine human being as far as I can tell and is still acting his ass off today. 

One final note is that Jim Cummings admitted in the Oral History that he and Jess Harnell, yes Wakko Jess Harnell, sung the song first, as Lane and Sabella not being trained in music at the time, had trouble keeping in time and this gave them a guideline. Jim is also the one who came up with the whole when I was a young warthog bit, which naturally stayed. 

Romance Subplot Because Shut Up:

Scar has suprisingly fucked up as king, with the Hyean’s growing restless because they ran out of food and Scar stubbornly refusing to go anywhere else. 

Okay enough of that back in the jungle, the mighty jungle, Timon and Pumba are goofing off only to find some peril at the hands of a grown up Nala Thankfully Simba’s around and easily matches her and the two fight for a bit before recognizing each other and then chuckling it up and everything with Timon understandably pissed off that Simba is suddenly chummy with the woman who just tried to eat his husband. 

The two banter, Pumba accepts her and Nala and Simba catch up: Simba explains he escaped, nala explains she went looking for help and it’s all okay now because Simba will come back and be king and everyone will dance and skip.

Yeah SHOCKINGLY the traumatized... however old Simba is, dosen’t want to go back still thinking he killed his dad and not knowing how bad it’s gotten, figuring his good uncle scar is in charage and totally didn’t rule with an iron fist. 

The two go off to talk anyway with Timon convinced they lost him as he now found a love intrest as Can You Feel The Love Tonight plays over the two bonding and reconnecting. 

This song... is my least faviorite. It’s also the last new one, so it’s an eh note to go out on. Now don’t get it twisted it is a pretty damn good song.. they all are there’s a reason this soundtrack sold like gangbusters, including one copy to Sabella himself who was shocked to find he was on said soundtrack. And this is sir Elton John wirting a love ballad, the man’s words are like silk.

It’s issue is context: the others help push the story forward help move it and help emote things... this one.. tries to use a ballad to massage the fact these are two people who haven’t seen each other in a decade and end up together because the 90′s thought men and women coudln’t be friends without wanting to hump one another unless one of them was gay. It’s just.. the weakest part of the film and while it dosen’t drag the film down, it does just sorta drag for a second. 

The argument after dosen’t helpas Nala outlines just how BAD things are: food is gone, Scar let the hyenas in (which we knew btu Simba didn’t) and things are very dire, with her having come for help. Simba however.. i sa tad annoying as he refuses to just admit the father thing and instead says “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY PAINNNNNN I CAN’T TELL YOU..... IT’S TOOOOOOO BADDDDD I CAN’T HELLLPPPP YOUUUU OR MY MOMMMMMMYYYYY I’M GONNAAAA RUNN OFFF FNOOWWW” Okay that may not be the dialouge EXACTLY but my brain is a bit fuzzy sometimes. It’s what I heard anyway. 

So Simba Runs Off to Cry:

And ends up finding Rafiki, who found out Simba was alive via his magic skills... after what was clearly a decade or whatever. 

So he goes to find Simba whose moping in the savannah and helps the boy. By giving him a swift knock on the head. But more improtantly we get a really cool, really powerful metaphorical moment as Rafiki reinforces what his dad taught: Those we love aren’t really gone.. they live on.. but not in the stars, though they kinda do we’ll see in a second.. but inside us. He has Simba look at the water and realize that his reflection looks just like his dad.. his dad died.. but his spirit, what he taught his son, the love he gave him and the lessons simba learned form him are there. 

So then Simba hears his dad and finds his cloud head in the sky with an important message

I mean basically. He tells him he must take his place, face his past and become his future and we get a really tearful bit as simba runs after his dad’s ghost cloud. But with this the boy finally realizes he can’t keep running, that he can’t keep trying to avoid who he was and has to face his mistakes and be the man his father knows he can be. 

Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss:

So Simba returns home, horrified at what he sees.. and soon joined by Nala, Timon and Pumbaa. Simba is determined to take his crown and dethrone the asshole. And come up with a plan... live bait. No really Simba’s plan is “have my friends distract the hyena hoard and hope they don’t die”. And timon’s actual response is “what do you want me to do put on drag and sing the hula”

Cue a really funny and as it turns out improvised song as Timon sings a song and uses his husband as a lure and the two book it, leaving Simba clear and free to confront scar. 

Speaking of Scar, Simba’s mother’s already confronting him, pointing out there IS no food and they need to leave. Scar naturally attacks her... only to stop when Simba arrives, utterly horrified as it looks like his brother has come back from the dead. Simba awakes his mother the same way he did as a kid and i’ts cute. 

But as the title said Scar quickly rebounds and is like...

I mean i’ts not wrong: he brings up the daeth, but without context and while Simba rightly protests it was an accidnet Scar uses that to back the stronger lion off and scare him up onto the cliff of pride rock.. with things only getting worse when lighting hits lighting everything in hellish fire. 

It’s then Scar makes what both jess and I call his one REALLY dumb move of the movie. Like this one unlike the hyena’s thing and not checking them has no excuse other than just pure ego: Scar tells simba he killed his dad ..... which this being a movie Simba gets his second wind, escapes near death and corners his now terrified uncle. 

SO with that Scar puts some Ash in Simbas face and a fight insues, with our hero eventually winning the day and pinning scar long enough, with Scar blaming everything on the hyena’s.. who naturally hear it after getting their asses owned by the unambgiously gay duo, before being forced to say what he did to everyone exonerating the new king. Scar ends up falling into the fire.. but he dosen’t die. Oh no that’d be TOO nice. No the hyena’s find him, and all corner him, eyes glowing as Scar begs for his life, reduced from a master manipulator.. to what he truly is at his score: a scared, power hungry coward who got too greedy and let his own ego and sadisim eat him alive.. meatpahorically> The Hyenas are going to take care of making it VERY literal. 

So with that the day is saved, the rain puts out the fire, and Simba asecneds and becomes king, and we end as we began, full circle of life with Simba and Nala welcoming their own daughter. I smell a sequel. 

Yup the circle of life continues.. as does the need for DTV money. Though i’ll come back to that some other day.. maybe. I dunno. 

Final Thoughts: This film is a masterpiece. It has flaws sure, i’ve listed them, but their all papered over by the story being SO good it self corrects any holes in it with stellar characterization and flawless voice acting. The cast is phenominal, the music is all classic from the bops of vocal songs to the uplfiting and engaging score, and the naimation STILL holds up nearly 30 years later. If you haven’t watched this one in a while do, it’s awesome.

So as I close this out i’d like to thank Kev for suggesting this review and for supporting me. I said it before and i’ll say it again.. your a good friend man. Thank you so much for the past year and a half and here’s to many more. 

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #13- Swerve Doesn’t Have Any Friends

Okay, let’s go ahead and get this out of the way.

It’s a FUCKING SPORTS BRA AND RUNNING SHORTS ALEX.

And don’t think I don’t see that friggin’ cleavage alien back there. You ain’t slick.

I’m going to make it a law that all comic book artists learn how to draw clothes that don’t vacuum-seal themselves to women’s bodies. Milne gets six months for this infraction alone, and Roche gets a year for the initial bra crime he committed back in Last Stand. Learn how women’s underwear works, you ninnies.

Our issue opens up with Swerve stretching his radio personality muscles.

Oh, Guido Guidi, whisk me away to flights of fancy!

Our artist for this issue is none other than Guido Guidi, ascended from fanwork to deliver us from evil with his near-superhuman ability to emulate other artists’ styles and just make things look really pretty. He was responsible for the mythos pages in the 2012 Annual, AKA the best part. He also filled in on some of the art for Last Stand of the Wreckers, not that I really noticed because he’s just that good.

Swerve lets Blurr know that while it might have looked like the Lost Light had exploded, thus killing everyone onboard back in issue #1, that isn’t actually what happened. I’m glad someone filled in the Cybertronian populace on that.

I was never great at math, but those speech bubbles might be phoning it in a bit.

Swerve says that he’s having a great time on the quest, despite all the hiccups, and we get an explanation for why this long-range communications system hasn’t been seen prior to this point. It’s been broken for a while- most likely due to the quantum jump that started the series off with a bang- but Blaster managed to get it running again. Good job, Blaster. With this little setup for our framing device out of the way, we get into the meat of the story.

Swerve is being nosey about things that weren’t any of his business, happening in a closed off room, when Drift drags him down the hall and hid him away for safety. Swerve doesn’t much appreciate being manhandled, but there’s a method to the madness here.

Drift’s nose has vacated the premises once again, so we’re just going to have to deal with that. And how shapely does one have to be to be known as “the guy with the legs”? I mean, Drift is RIGHT THERE.

Drift uses his own powerful legs to kick down the door to Cyclonus and Tailgate’s room. It turns out that the horrific screaming wasn’t the sound of a murder or sexual relations taking place, but rather that of Cyclonus singing in Old Cybertronian.

My god, he’s completely enamored with this unrepentant murder machine.

We are just all up in Cyclonus’ grill for this panel. Nothing but lips. Was this specified in the script? Because it feels like it might have been specified in the script.

Old Cybertronian, or the Primal Vernacular as some might call it, was last seen in general when Rodimus channeled the will of the trapped Titan all across Tailgate’s chest. It was last seen spoken when we met Vos, the terrible murder gremlin who turns into a gun and uses his face to cause puncture trauma.

Comic books are wild, y’all.

Now that we’ve established that no one’s being killed, Drift goes back to what he was doing earlier, with Swerve deciding to tag along because he’s horrifically lonely. He invites Drift to come room up with him, because I guess if you’re going to sell off your comatose roommate’s bed out from under him, you might as well go for the guy who’s third in command,  is probably one of the hottest guys on the ship, and slices people into chunky salsa if they try anything funny.

Drift politely declines, and awkwardly removes himself from the conversation when Swerve doesn’t take the hint, returning to his sword lesson with Rodimus.

Oh thank god, the obnoxiously pink room is back.

Ultra Magnus bursts into the room, appalled by the actions of his fellow crew members. Some of his concerns are well-placed. Others, well…

Is- is that another friggin’ retainer on those lower teeth? Why does this design choice keep showing up?

So Magnus has imprisoned roughly a third of the ship at this point, and Rodimus suggests he take a chill pill. Magnus doesn’t even know what a chill pill even is, so we’re forced to make use of our most dangerous weapon- the threat of a good time, courtesy of Swerve.

The fact that Ultra Magnus hasn’t reduced Swerve to an oil stain on the floor is genuinely astounding. The guy has zero respect for bureaucracy or proper business management. It has been MONTHS, you dinky little man, get your act together as a business owner.

Swerve takes the bribe, and soon everyone’s shipping off to Hedonia, where the drinks are plentiful and the women… well, most of the Lost Lighters don’t even know what a woman is, so that aspect doesn’t really come into play. Thanks, Furman.

Also, Rung’s back to normal. Don’t worry about it, not a big deal.

Swerve isn’t having much luck on his Roommate Quest, as Tailgate spurns his advances, stating that he’s good kicking it with Cyclonus, mainly because they’re both old as shit.

I see we haven’t quite hit the threshold on the “Cyclonus is allowed to have friends now” meter. Give it a few more issues, I’m sure we’ll get there.

Man, zero for two for Swerve on trying to get a hot roommate. Maybe third time’s a charm?

Rodimus pops into the back of the shuttle to remind everyone that their entire race is more or less despised by the entire galaxy, and to play it safe by using their holomatter avatars.

The revamp by Brainstorm and Rung is truly a blessing, because the avatars in IDW were awful to look at up to this point.

Y’all, that is HOT ROD. Jesus wept.

Getting back to Tailgate’s questionable taste in companionship, Tailgate asks if Swerve and Blurr connected right away. Swerve gives him an affirmative, then starts listing off the guy’s racing stats until Ultra Magnus plops down between the two of them, drawn in by the melodious sound of statistics.

Magnus is having a hard time relaxing, but he’s giving it his best, and I think that’s very commendable of him. It’s hard trying new things.

On the surface of Hedonia, it would appear the B-Movies are having a Pride event in the entertainment district.

Okay, moment of truth- show us those avatars!

Oh thank god, they aren’t totally hideous. Though, isn’t Rewind old as shit? I guess youth is a state of mind. Still, I can’t believe we missed out on silver fox Rewind.

Rung’s line is in response to folks at the time claiming that Rung was a self-insert character, which is interesting, because we’ve already seen what a self-insert looks like when it’s Roberts doing the inserting, and we’ve also seen his Mary Sues.

Rung, while an original character who had appeared in Roberts’ pre-professional works (a single line of text in Eugenesis, where he was a psychiatry play-on-words), he isn’t what I’d consider a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are usually stunningly beautiful, beloved by their peers, insanely talented in ways that no other character is, and typically have some sort of connection to another character that more or less forces them into the story despite not needing to exist.

Mary Sues don’t get their friggin’ heads exploded, or exist in a constantly-forgettable state. Sure, he’s the only therapist we’ve ever seen in the Transformers franchise, but there was kind of a massive need for that sort of character to be created, seeing as all of these sons of guns have PTSD and clinical depression. And, as we’ve seen in previous issues and will continue to see later on, he’s really not even that great at it.

That isn’t to say that he doesn’t have certain traits befitting such a characterization, merely that they don’t add up to equal that sort of whole by issue #13. Transformers (2009)-era Drift is way closer to a true Mary Sue than Rung is.

Anyway, where the hell did Tailgate get to?

They really just let Frodo Baggins in this bar all babybjörned up, huh? Does Tailgate even know what a baby even is at this point? Does he just think he’s a very small person? How much human media has he consumed? We haven’t gotten into the reproductive process for the continuity yet, but fresh Cybertronians aren’t exactly a one-to-one to human infants. Damn it, Roberts, what the fuck am I supposed to make of Babygate?

Whirl’s off in the corner, disguised as a 12-year old girl who’s fucking STRAPPED. Magnus has disappeared, but Rewind locates him pretty easily as Rung makes a comment about Magnus needing to make an appointment with him.

Oh hey, Verity. Been a minute. Careful, ol’ six-eyes over there is leering at you.

The fellas come back to the bar as they truly are, and sit down for a round of drinks. Whirl gets Ultra Magnus a drink that sounds disturbingly like a Cybertronian equivalent to Milk Coke, and we get a little anatomy lesson. Transformers have something called a Fuel Intake Moderation chip, something that keeps them from getting drunk on pretty much the only thing they can consume. Swerve suggests Magnus turn his off so he can have a good time- which I don’t personally agree with, but this is Captain Stick-in-the-Mud we’re talking about here. Magnus gives it a shot.

And that’s a series wrap on Ultra Magnus!

No, the man’s just got no tolerance and has been knocked the hell out by his drink. Things begin devolving. Tailgate is crying. Skids has found out that Whirl didn’t give Magnus Milk Coke at all, but instead the equivalent of liquid cocaine. Swerve is convinced he’s going to prison. Rewind is filming the whole thing.

Nobody actually checks to see if Magnus is actually dead, until Rung gets around to it. Swerve, you’re a doctor by original trade, what the hell are you doing?

The boys sit Magnus at the table to wait out his nap. Hours later, nothing’s changed, except that they’ve started up the nemesis game, and Whirl’s decided he’s going to be rude about monoformers being monoformers. Rung gives a non-answer, because that’s just who he is as a person. Skids names Misfire as his worst enemy, only because he’s still missing a good chunk of memory and can’t remember if he had a worst enemy, but still wants to contribute to the conversation.

Rung, don’t be a dick, he did his best. You were right on top of Fort Max, it was a tricky shot.

Ultra Magnus finally starts waking up, and that’s the point where everyone decides to foot Swerve with the bill for the emotional labor he’s going to have to perform by explaining just what the friggity-frack happened.

Magnus starts laughing, then crying, then offloads his troubles onto Swerve. Magnus feels like he just doesn’t fit in on the Lost Light. He’s just trying to do his job and everyone makes fun of him, or disrespects his authority. He’s trying, he really is, but he’s just not built for post-war life. He’s actually tried to leave his position on the Lost Light, but they just keep pulling him back in.

Probably doesn’t help that Rodimus seems more interested in Drift’s opinion on matters than his own SIC half the time.

Oh no, he’s making digs at the things Swerve’s sensitive about. Where is Rung?

Magnus just wants to be understood, y’know? He’s a fully realized creation. He’s got interests. Like music! And the fact that Swerve is missing his Autobot badge!

This was the point where MTMTE was still bouncing back and forth on whether it wanted to commit to the crotch badge. It was a tumultuous time for everyone, very dark days.

WHERE THE FUCK IS RUNG

Magnus, having had enough of sharing his feelings, takes another sip of his cocaine and slips back into unconsciousness. Swerve admits to his limp body that people don’t actually like him, but rather only stick around because of what he can offer- namely, a good time.

The rest of the Swerve posse comes back, with Cyclones having joined the party. Rung shows off his new model ship, which gets Rewind started on his movie collection. He pulls up the opening ceremony for the Ark 1. Y’know, the Ark 1, that ship that Cyclonus was on that disappeared into the Dead Universe for six million years. The Ark 1 that Tailgate was supposed to be on.

Before we can get started however, someone throws the model at Rewind’s head.

That someone is none other than Cyclonus, who proceeds to fly into a rage, throwing tables and shoving the still-unconscious Ultra Magnus to the floor. My word, what a reaction! What could possibly be setting him off so much? Does he not like being reminded of his fated trip to the stars? Is this a manifestation of trauma from that event?

Who knows? No time for questions, Skids is too busy punching him in the face.

Tailgate intervenes, explaining that because Cyclonus and himself are so goddamn old, the engex Cyclonus consumed is wreaking havoc on his body. He tells the rest of them to go on while he tries to calm Cyclonus down. Interesting that Rewind doesn’t have any sort of input on this, given that he is also super fucking old, but there’s no time for questions! We’ve got to get Ultra Magnus back on the shuttle in the next 20 minutes, or else they’ll be stuck on Hedonia FOREVER.

They start throwing Magnus on the floor repeatedly, trying to get his t-cog to spin up. No dice, however.

It’s 4AM. Do you know where your Domey is? Because Rewind sure as hell doesn’t.

Okay, time for Plan B.

I’m guessing not, Rung. I’m guessing not.

Using Magnus as a trampoline does the trick, and the boys are rewarded with the sight of Magnus’ alt-mode… resting on its roof, upside down. They get him sorted, pile in the cab- Rewind is driving, which leads me to believe he at least has some experience handling a vehicle. Chromedome does turn into a car…

I don’t even know what that sort of activity implies for a Transformer. We won’t go any further down this line of thought.

The boys manage to get Ultra Magnus to the shuttle in time, and all’s well that ends well!

This is about the time that Blaster knocks on the glass at Swerve to wrap things up, seeing as he’s been at this for over nine hours now. There’s one last little aside before we’re done with our story, however, and it involves just what happened in the bar after everyone else left.

Cyclonus calmed down almost immediately after the rest of the guys left, paying for what he broke and inviting Tailgate to have a seat.

Well, I say invite, but it’s really more of an order.

If you’d already figured out at this point that this jumpy little marshmallow was lying about being the biggest badass who ever lived, a gold star for you! It turns out, dear Tailgate has been crafting a fabrication, spinning a yarn, telling a tall tale since Day One on the Lost Light. The story has been feeding us a steady diet of fish the whole time!

Red herring!

Red herring!

Red herring of Tailgate’s own design! Autopedia’s mods are a friggin’ joke.

Tailgate was supposed to be a the Ark 1 launch, but it was because he was on the cleanup crew. Boy’s a sluicer, and his arm SHOULD say "waste disposal”. Through a cunning use of his wits and cold reading, Tailgate faked his way through the dismantling of the bomb on Temptoria. A smart boy, he is, if not a bit self-centered.

Which brings us to why exactly Cyclonus freaked out in the bar: he wasn’t having an episode, but rather faking a reaction to prevent Tailgate’s lie from being exposed. He still thinks that Tailgate should come clean about this whole thing, before things get really messy, but it wouldn’t be an issue of MTMTE without some raw-ass emotions getting thrown about.

Cyclonus, who hasn’t allowed himself to feel anything other than simmering rage or national pride for over six million years, is beginning to feel something for Tailgate.

That feeling is sympathy, and maybe a little pity.

He offers to teach Tailgate a song to help him feel better, because that’s what he does when he has feelings.

And given that Cyclonus seems to sing often enough that Tailgate’s gotten used to the horrific sound, it might be that Cyclonus has feelings a hell of a lot more often than he lets on.

Roberts, how many times are you going to make Tailgate cry? How much pain are you going to subject him to before you’re satisfied?

The scene closes out on the two of them getting their karaoke on in the empty bar, in the god-awful language that is Old Cybertronian. I can only imagine that they get kicked out of the bar pretty quickly after this.

Getting back to the present, Swerve has finally, finally finished his story, closing out with an invitation for Blurr to come visit Swerve’s.

Blaster gets ready to shoot one hell of a voice message at Blurr, but there’s a problem; the number Swerve has isn’t long enough to be a personal hailing frequency.

Yeah, turns out that Tailgate isn’t the only liar on board the Lost Light.

Four million years ago, Swerve met Blurr at a publicity event, got way too friendly with a celebrity, pestered the guy until he gave him a fake number, and has convinced himself that he made a life-long friend to this very day.

Big oof.

Later, back at Swerve’s, Swerve is busy cleaning the glassware when Ultra Magnus comes in, sober and having just gotten out of surgery to fix his fuel tanks. Guess that second sip of Nucleon really wasn’t a good idea.

Swerve tries to tell a lie about what happened the night before, only to have the dawning horror that Magnus remembered the entire night, as he’s presented with a new badge. Swerve, bolstered by the fact that, while Magnus didn’t enjoy the previous evening, he appreciated having company, begins to ask Magnus if he’d want to room with him.

Wow, zero for three! That’s rough, buddy.

Kind of a bummer end to this whole issue, but it was still decently light, tone-wise, for MTMTE. A great deal of fun was had, in between all the mortifying reveals of our characters inner demons.

...Well, shit.

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