#Stone Gossard fan fiction

[chloejustlikeme]

need stone gossard fan fics

yearning for stone fics

need…. pls…

if anyone is out there please hear my plea and write stone fics pls….

[jjmichie]

In Too Deep:  Chapter 5

Been on a writing roll this week!  Happy to finally be getting back to this with another chapter.  Enjoy! In case you missed Chapter 4a, you can find it here  

Stone pushed the buzzer to Andy’s apartment.  Again.  He had pushed it twice already with no response.  He folded his arms and winced as a sharp wind sliced through his opened jacket and stung his cheeks, which were still flushed. Two girls passed him on the sidewalk, huddled arm in arm, glancing at him as their laughter blended into the hum of traffic and furnaces that endlessly pumped noise into the gray city.  He avoided their eyes, suddenly feeling embarrassed, like they could see inside his mind, like they knew what he had just done.  He hit the buzzer again.  

Come on Andy.  Please be there.  I need to fucking talk to you! 

“Who??” Andy’s voice suddenly demanded, crackling and raspy through the static of the intercom.    

“Stone.”

The familiar guttural buzz of the door immediately followed, allowing it to crack open.  Stone pushed his way into the smelly entryway, thankful to be free from the cold and the knowing gaze of the couple.   

“Hey,” Andy called from the top of the stairs. He was wearing sunglasses, and had a box of Captain Crunch captive in the nook of his arm. “What’s up?”  

The feel of her lips on him.  The tingle of her hand.  The smell of her.  The warmth of her breath on his cheek when she was zipping his pants.  That’s what was up.  

But Stone said:  “What took you so long?  It’s fucking freezing! Thanks for leaving me out there like a forgotten dog!” as he clomped up the stairs. 

“Sorreeee,” Andy moaned, holding his apartment door open for Stone. It was warm inside. 

Stone’s stomach fluttered briefly as he saw that Andy’s roommate was sprawled out on the couch in nothing but boxers, his head nestled in a tangle of his own brown curls.  Geraldo Rivera was on the TV, obviously going unwatched.  

“Hey Chris,” Stone called to him. “Heard about Europe. That’s great.”  

Chris nodded in Stone’s direction, but didn’t lift his head or reply.   

“So . . . what’s going on Stoney?  You look excited.  Talk. To. Me.” Andy said in a robot voice.

Fuck. Did he really look excited?   

“Umm . . . can we . . .” Stone glanced at Chris.  “Can we . . . talk in your room?”  

Andy’s smile faded.  He took off his sunglasses. 

“Uh oh. This. Sounds. Ser-i-ous.” Andy was still attempting the robot voice, but his joy had dissolved.  He walked flatly down the hall to his room, and went directly to the window.  He stood facing out, gazing at the trees across the street as if they were a fascinating distant vista.  

“Are you feeling okay?” Stone asked. 

“I’m fine.”  Andy didn’t move.  He continued to stare beyond the trees, then finally sighed. “Yes, I KNOW I didn’t make it to the office today, and yes I’m SORRY if you guys needed me and I wasn’t there, and NO it won’t happen again . . .” 

Andy abruptly flung the window open and whipped a handful of Captain Crunch out, past the pane, over the sill, and watched the pieces float down toward the sidewalk beneath them.  The sidewalk where Stone had just been standing. Stone watched their journey too.  The little yellow chunks drifting apart to land randomly, undoubtedly to be crushed by oblivious pedestrians, or buried in the rare snow that was predicted to blanket Seattle that night. 

“Something totally weird happened today,” Stone whispered, ignoring Andy’s recital.  He had heard it before.  “I have to tell someone.”  

Andy perked up, clearly surprised and delighted.  He closed the window, and motioned for them to get comfortable on the beanbag chairs that occupied the corner of the room.  

“What?” Andy whispered back.  It amazed Stone how quickly Andy could shift demeanors.  The wall he had barricaded around himself a second ago had instantly vanished, and he was back to his happy self, snuggling into the bean bag chair, scooting up closer to Stone. “What!”   

“So . . . Molly was at the office today . . .”

“Ohhhh no!”

“Wait!  Just listen ok!”  

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Andy covered his mouth.  

“First of all, you HAVE to keep this to yourself.”  

“Yes!  Of course.” Andy leaned in even closer.  “What happened?”  

“Yep, so like I said, Molly was at the office today, and when Jeff and those guys left to get lunch, we were alone in the office, and . . . umm . . .” 

“No . . .”  

“I mean . . . we . . . sort of . . .”

“No . . .”

“It just sort of happened.”  

“What EXACTLY happened?  What did you do?”  

“Well, I didn’t do anything!  She did it!  She . . . started it.  She started kissing me!  And then . . .”  Stone looked down at his crotch.  At the belt she had undone, at the pants she had pulled down, at the outline she had traced with her fingers.    

Andy pretended to scream and collapsed backwards into his beanbag.  

“No way!  Holy fuck . . .”  

“I know!”  

“I TOLD you she was flirting.  But . . . no.  Dude, this isn’t cool.  I can’t let you do this!  What about . . .?”  

“Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are.  But I mean, what was I gonna do, say NO?”  

“Ummm, YEAH!  That’s EXACTLY what you shoulda done.  Okay . . . Stone?  Don’t move.  Stay right there.  I want to show you something.”  Andy got up and began rummaging through his messy dresser drawers.  “I found this yesterday, and was actually going to bring it in the office . . .”   

He pulled a handful of 4x6 color photos from the drawer, and held them out in Stone’s direction.

“Remember this?  These are from our trip to L.A.  These are pictures of Molly and her husband.  Stone, let me repeat that. Her HUSBAND. Look at him.”  

Stone looked at the photos.  

It was them.  Molly and James.  Posing with the band.  Everybody goofing off.  Molly looking as beautiful as he remembered her from that day, with her knee high boots and slant-bob hair. But next to her was a handsome taller man.  Rugged yet debonair, shaggy yet refined, James emanated an intensity and power that seemed to jump right off the film. Sandy brown hair framing deep eyes, eyes that seemed to bore into Stone with the same knowing gaze as the girls on the sidewalk.  And his body.  Jesus.  

“Take a good look!” Andy insisted.  “You really want to mess around with THAT GUY’s wife? He could snap you in half.”  

“She invited me to their cabin.”  Stone said, his eyes still roving over James’ chiseled jaw and powerful arms.  “This weekend.”  

******

The station wagon groaned as it snaked up the sharp incline towards the icy whiteness that lay ahead of him.  

Despite the distraction of his favorite Simon and Garfunkel cassette blasting from the car's tape deck, Stone could feel his heart pounding.  He gripped the wheel tightly as snow accumulated around his tires. 

The words Andy had said kept coming back to him.  Man, I can’t let you do this!

Why was he doing this?  What was he thinking?  

He could snap you in half!  

He passed a scenic overlook on his right, and at the last minute, swerved the car into its parking lot, skidding to a slippery stop, garnering a look of disapproval from a family that was trying to enjoy the view in peace.  

“Go back to the city,” he said out loud to himself, just as Mrs. Robinson began playing on the cassette.  “Now.”  

He looked back to the north, in the direction of the city.  The Seattle skyline had disappeared from view, and all he could see was the undulating monotony of Federal Way and the piles of subdivisions that seemed to literally multiply before his very eyes.  The whole metropolitan area had really changed in the last few years.   

He let his head fall forward to rest on the steering wheel, then he banged it several times.  He couldn’t erase the thought of her.  Images of her danced through his mind constantly now. And the scene that had happened in the office played on continuous loop.     

And right then he knew he was going to give in.  He wasn’t going to take Andy’s advice.  He wasn’t going to listen to his own conscience.  He wasn’t going back to the city.  He was going to the cabin. 

He turned his head to look eastward, slowly raising his gaze upward toward the white peaks that towered over the narrow twisting road that lay ahead of him.   

Nope.  He wasn’t going back to the city.  

Continue to Chapter 6

[stateofloveandnegan]

Sweet - Stone Gossard

Can you write a Stone Gossard one shot? Something really fluffy about how you met and he had a crush on you for a while before asking you out or something but he is super sweet and says the kindest words? I don't know something cute and sweet!! Thanks! 😁

It’s finally up! I totally forgot about this one so I’m sorry about that. Also, I couldn’t really come up with a good end for the story so I hope this is good enough..

Requested by: anon

“Stone, mate, you’re staring again.” Mike mumbles in his ear as his eyes are on me, unbeknownst to me. Stone quickly blinks and moves his gaze away from me. “When are you gonna tell her?”

Stone laughs and shakes his head, “Yeah, that’s never gonna happen, Mike. Forget it.” Mike rolls his eyes and sighs, “Whatever, Stone. Just know that you’re gonna regret it if you don’t act upon your feelings sometime soon.”

I laugh as Eddie tickles my sides, before wrapping his arms around me, “Ed! Ugh, let me go, you stinker!” I giggle and Eddie shakes his head, “Never gonna let you go, little one.”

Eddie and I have been very close, ever since the first day of him being in the band he’s been like a brother to me, nothing else. People always talked about us and how we’d be a cute couple, but for Ed and I it’s just weird to think about it like that. We have talked about it, if we should try dating, but after one date we were both very sure that it was just awkward. And besides that, I’ve had my eyes on someone else for as long as I can remember…

“Go to your man, lovebird.” Eddie mumbles in my ear and I blush, pushing him away from me and mouthing ‘fuck you’ at him, to which he smirks and points at Stone, mouthing ‘fuck him’ back to me.

I roll my eyes, but walk over to Stone and Mike anyway, letting Eddie get back to what he was taking about with Cameron and Jeff. “Hey, Steno,” I smile at him, biting my lip. He turns around and smiles at me, “Hey, beautiful.”

Stone always says the sweetest things to me, probably another reason why I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him. “Always the smooth-talker, hmm?” I smile a little teasingly to hide my blush, and the fact that his words absolutely make my heart skip a beat.

“It just goes naturally when I’m with you.” He winks before walking off to the other guys. I sigh softly, “Why doesn’t he actually like me?”

Mike chuckles and shakes his head, “You have no idea about what’s going on I that head of his, (Y/N), but I can tell you, he’s as stubborn as a donkey.” And Mike walks off as well.

That’s how it always goes… Stone and I flirting here and there, but it never turns into something serious, every time I want to make a comment about it, Stone’s already off to somewhere else and it’s driving me wild.

So, one night, while we’re all in the bar and Stone and I have been flirting for longer than usual, something inside me snaps when he walks off again, this time to greet some sort of girl who gets way too touchy with him. I grab my bag and run off outside, tears already streaming down my face.

The guys call after me and in the corner of my eye, I notice Stone turning into my direction, but I don’t budge and keep walking, trying to hide my face as much as possible. I go to the spot I always go to when I want to be alone, when I want to cry about stuff, the roof of my apartment building.

I sit on the roof, in the corner, where I built a little place for myself, crying and hugging a blanket around myself as I try to come up with excuses as to why I left and trying to think of how I’m ever going to live with the fact that I’ll never get to be with Stone like I’ve always dreamt of being.

After a little while, I’ve calmed down, occasionally letting out soft sniffles, but most of the crying has died down. With a can of coke in my hand, a blanket wrapped around me, I sit on the edge of the building, my legs dangling down. The view before me always seems to calm me down, that’s why I always go here when I’m feeling sad or stressed.

“(Y/N)?” a very soft, familiar voice speaks up. I immediately tense up, biting my lip as I keep gazing at the view. “Stone…”

I can hear him sigh as he walks up to me, sitting down on the edge beside me and I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t spare him a look.

It takes him a while before he speaks up. “I’m an idiot, (Y/N). I’m an idiot for never realising that your flirting with me was because you had genuine feelings for me.” He speaks in a guilty voice.

I bite my lip even harder to keep the tears at bay, not wanting to cry anymore. “I always cut you off, because I thought it was just joking around. I cut it off, because I wasn’t able to continue, thinking it wasn’t serious.”

My brows furrow in confusion at his words, and for the first time, I turn my head to look at him, unshed tears in my eyes. Stone meets my eyes and I can see the guilt on his face for making me cry. “W-What do you mean?” I speak in a quiet, hoarse voice.

“I’m madly in love with you, (Y/N). And I have been for so long… Mike always told me to make a move, but I was so scared. And I know you and Ed are like family, but I couldn’t help myself that, when every time I saw you two so close, I thought there was more that you guys weren’t telling us.”

I look at him in disbelief, not believing his words, and open my mouth multiple times, but nothing comes out. Stone looks away, sighing and mumbling, “I shouldn’t have believed Mike when he said you felt the same.” He moves to get up and speaks louder, “Forget I said anything.” and starts walking away.

For a second, I’m frozen on the spot, not knowing what to do or what to say, but soon enough I regain sense and jump up, accidentally pushing the can of coke off the edge, down the building. I hurriedly walk after Stone, catching his wrist in my hand and pulling him to me before planting my lips onto his when our faces are close enough.

I can feel Stone freezing under the sudden feeling of my lips on his, but very soon he gathers himself and kisses me back, his hands coming to rest on my hips as our lips move in sync. Everything around us seems to fade and nothing else matters in this moment, just Stone and I, holding each other, kissing each other.

After what feels like hours, but seconds at the same time, I pull back, needing air to breathe. Stone and I stand there, foreheads resting against each other’s as we catch our breath. My eyes are still closed, but after a minute I finally dare to open them and I’m immediately met with Stone’s.

As soon as I notice Stone opening his mouth to say something, I speak up and beat him to it. “I do love you, Stone. So fucking much, it killed me to see you so close to that girl earlier.”

“She means nothing to me… I met her once and I just wanted distraction from you, because until then, I thought you could never be into me, let alone love me…” He admits with a sheepish smile on his face.

I smile at him and bring my hand up to his face, my thumb brushing over his cheek. “Well, you were wrong, Steno… I do love you, very much so.”

Stone chuckles and leans in for another kiss, this one much softer, but still just as meaningful. When we break apart, Stone takes my hand in his and walks me back to the edge of the roof, sitting down with me and grabbing the blanket before draping it over both our shoulders.

I look at him with love in my eyes and he returns the look easily, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me a little closer into his side, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. “I’m never gonna back down with the flirting now, do know that…”

[aboysbestfriendishismum]

CHAPTER 60 - JUKEBOXES, CORN AND BRACES

In the previous chapter: Angie and Grace visit the set of Singles and meet Cameron Crowe. Grace would want to meet and talk to the actors but Angie's too shy and does everything to avoid them, especially Matt Dillon. The director offers her a small part in the movie and Angie is shocked. When she hears Tim Burton is supposed to make an appearance in the same scene as her, she sneaks away from the set. Eddie and Angie meet up the same night outside her apartment building to have a cigarette together and talk a little bit, a quick "date" in between their obligations. They flirt a little and Eddie not so subtly hints at the fact that he misses her a lot, also physically. Angie wonders how will they do once Eddie eill be out touring with the band after the record release and will be away for weeks and months. Vedder reveals his solution to the problem. In the meantime, Jerry wants to spend a nice uneventful night at home but his plans are shattered by Layne and Demri, who set him up in a blind date with one of the girl's coworkers.

Seattle is not Los Angeles and First Avenue is certainly not the Sunset Strip, but walking this street that almost entirely crosses the city from north to south is the best choice if you want to enter the heart of the Emerald City. And if you want to meet a musician or an artist of any kind, the area between First Avenue and Pike Street, before the market, or the border area between Belltown and Downtown, are the ones to keep an eye on. Not because of the live music venues, which certainly are not lacking, but because here you can find the ideal combination of goods and services particularly sought after by the just mentioned category: sex shops, pawnshops, second-hand shops, record shops, drug dealers and, above all, places to eat and drink super cheap. Whether they're signed to a major label or not, the average musician here is perpetually broke anyway and couldn't survive without places where they could get a decent meal for a few dollars. Many wonder why and how this fervent music scene developed in Seattle, bringing into discussion college radios, fanzines, independent labels on the one hand, isolation, cold, rain and not having shit to do but staying at home and listening to or making music on the other. In my opinion, however, there would be no Seattle sound without the cafes, diners and bars that feed and quench the thirst of the broke artists who have lived here forever or moved there to be part of the scene. 

The Frontier Room is one of those holy places. It opens at six in the morning it could very well knock you out by half past seven. Drinks are cheap here and the bartenders are known for having a heavy hand. I'm at the bar with Layne, for a second round after the first round of introductions, small talk, and booze with Demri and Heather. I must say that girl is not bad, she is not even what I expected. I don't know why, but from the name, I pictured her as a sort of sex bomb all boobs and perm... not that I have anything against boobs or perms, God forbid! And I don't even mean that she's ugly, on the contrary. She is a beautiful girl, tall and thin with legs fir miles, blue eyes and dark hair, she could easily be a model and she would kill it, even walking the catwalk with the white sweater and the jeans she's wearing now. She also seems likeable and down to earth. In short, she would be my type. If I gave a damn. Layne walks off with gin and tonic for him and Dem, while I watch the bartender mix the two whiskey and coke for Heather and I at the same time. He basically fills whiskey glasses half full, then grabs the coke, and as he turns to talk to another guy, he doesn't notice that most of the drink he pours misses the target and ends up soaking the rag over the counter. When he finishes the exchange, he notices that the glasses are still just short of half empty so he tosses in some more whiskey. This is the secret of the Seattle sound: the places that give you more whiskey than coke, I hope live forever. 

I grab my glasses and make my way over to my friends' table when I spot a smooching going on right between Layne and Demri. Nothing exaggerated, but enough to make me take a small U-turn in search of a diversion, which materializes right in front of me in the form of a jukebox. I set the glasses down on the machine and flip through the titles to waste some time, sorry Heather! I skip a lot of country music, not because I don't like it, but because I'm not in the right mood. Garth Brooks, Bob Seeger, there's a bit of classic rock, but I keep scrolling, partly because I want to be sure to find separated lips when I come back, partly because nothing particularly strikes me. Eagles? Ugh... Scorpions. WAIT. I stop there, for a double reason. Number one: I love this band. Number two: Angie hates this band. I don't think I've ever heard her say a bad word towards anyone other than the Scorpions, Bon Jovi and…um, well, yours truly. There is Love at first sight, easy, there's Animal Magnetism, which is my favorite album, there's also Crazy world, the latest, a good work, but certainly the most commercial. And I totally fall for that right now.

 

Wise man said just walk this way

To the dawn of the light...

 

Kenny Rogers finishes just as I get to the table with the drinks, Send me an angel begins and my three evening companions moan almost simultaneously. And they're not the only ones because I can almost hear a single moan run through all the people in the bar one after another as they listen to the ballad and reflect on the meaning of their lives. A little too depressing maybe, huh? The evening seems suddenly quieter and colder and perhaps not even the supercharged whiskey and coke is strong enough for this song. I think I've officially ruined everyone's night, at least until Heather gets up, at which point I think I've mostly ruined hers. And Dem and Layne's too. After all, they only want me to socialize like a normal person and I don't think they're asking too much but why has everything gotten so hard all of a sudden? Anyway, the girl doesn't pull up her jacket and bag to just up and leave with an excuse as I thought. She just takes a couple of coins from her pocket, winks at me and with a few strides reaches the jukebox. With the same grin on her face she scrolls through the titles, inserts her quarters, presses the buttons and returns to the table, while my song fades, leaving the bar in almost total and surreal silence. Heather doesn't sit down, but she looks at us, looks around and addresses the whole place judt as Rudolph Schenker starts playing some grittier chords.

“His fingers just slipped and hit the wrong button, that's all!” Heather raises her arms and then points her gaze at me, takes the glass and takes a nice sip of basically plain pure whiskey and starts singing, here, in the middle of the bar, as if nothing had happened. This surprises me, but what surprises me most is that I sing along.

 

I look in your eyes, I really think you're fooling me

You're pretty and nice, it doesn't matter don't you see

 

We sing Falling in love by the Scorpions in a duet, but only until the first chorus, because from there on it becomes a choir, first of our table, then of the whole bar. My memory could easily fail me, but I think it's the first time I've helped start a bar sing-a-long. It's easy to have the crowd sing at your concerts, but it's much more difficult to wake up a group of drunks in an anonymous place on a cold and humid evening in March. Sometimes a wrong night just needs the right fingers.

 

“I love that album,” I comment with Heather nodding, long after the chorus ends.

"It's the breakthrough disc." she says, just before Dem and Layne leave with the excuse of cigarettes "My favorite song is The Zoo , but that was more catchy"

“Hehe yeah, better for bar karaoke. Anyway The Zoo is a masterpiece, you're the first girl I've met who knows the Scorpions so well” leaving out Angie who, just because she knew them well, vomited just hearing their mention, I really don't remember any fan in particular. Well, aside from her , but she wasn't that badass.

“Oh man, Jerry, I'm sorry” Heather immediately becomes serious and places her hand on mine, which rests next to the ashtray after having just put out a cigarette.

"Eheheh well, no big deal. I mean good musical tastes are welcome, but they are not everything. I am pleased when I find someone who shares my interests, but it is not fundamental". I mean, music is my life, but I stopped selecting friends based on musical tastes in 1980, more or less.

“No, I meant, I'm sorry…but I'm not going to sleep with you.” She shakes her head and looks at me contritely, as if offering me condolences.

"What?"

"I'm not sleeping with you, don't get any strange ideas"

"Oh. Okay. But what does it have to do with it?”

“I wanted to be honest with you before you started hitting on me But I couldn't say anything before, in front of Demri, she cared so much about this date”

“Who says I wanted to hit on you?”

“You're already doing it… You're the first girl I've met who loves Scorpions, uh! After this sort of imitation she pushes my hand away from hers giggling and finishes her drink.

“So, I understand that it may sound like a pickup line and I admit that I have used something like this in the past, but I swear that in this case the intention was absolutely not that”

"Come on! Look, you don't have to pretend with me, it's normal to expect something from a blind date, I don't blame you" Heather reaches out for my pack of cigarettes without asking, takes one and lights it with my lighter.

“Of course it's normal, but normality doesn't really belong to me lately. I can assure you it was a simple remark, I was not hitting on you. To tell you the truth, since it's the moment of truth, I didn't even want to come tonight."

"Oh really?"

“I was this close to standing you up”

“This reminds me of the fox saying that the grapes were sour…” Heather winks and blows smoke in my face.

“Hahaha I know what it looks like, but it's not like that. I would certainly make a better impression if I went along with your story, but no. I'm much more pathetic than that” I don't know why, maybe it's because deep down I don't know her, she's a stranger, and it's easier to be honest with strangers; it may also be because of the vibes I get from her but to me telling the truth seems the easiest thing in the world right now, sitting at this table with Heather.

"Pathetic? What do you mean?"

"That until a few months ago I would not only have hit on you, but I would have also succeeded and by now we'd already be driving towards my house"

“Hahaha even if I told you that I had no intention of putting out?”

"Of course and I would have done it in such a subtle way as to make you believe it was you who changed your mind, indeed, I would have convinced you that I wasn't even thinking about it either and that everything was happening totally by chance"

“That is exactly…what are you doing now? Or am I wrong?" she smiles at me curious and even though she thinks she has caught me, she doesn't seem irritated. Is it because she believes me? Is it because she plays along? I don't know.

"No no, now I'm just baring my soul to you, I'm not using tactics, I swear"

“So what has happened lately that has changed you so drastically?” here is the fateful question. I take a deep breath and spit it out.

“I fell in love with a girl, broke her heart, got dumped and haven't been close to another female since then, which would be three months ago, more or less”

"Oh. Well, you made a great recap”

“I went straight to the point, at least with words I'm still able to do it” what is it, have I started walking the path of self-irony? Well it sort of works, I laugh and she giggles with me.

“You know, your story is very similar to mine. Well, I mean, more or less. I fell in love too, I've been dumped for a while and I still haven't recovered”

"I'm sorry"

“But I'm the one whose heart was broken. Well, he dumped me for someone else”

“I understand what you're going through, I really do. It's not a pickup strategy!” I repeat trying to make her laugh again.

“I killed the mood, didn't I? Like you did before with that fucking song!"

“Nah, I totally beat you, sorry! And I win the award for saddest story too, because I'm in such a bad place that my friends introduce me to girls hoping to cheer me up and instead I end up driving them away by talking about my ex"

“Haha and what about me? What do you think I'm here for tonight? Demri is sick of seeing me cry on cigarette breaks day in and day out. And she's not the only one. All my friends push me to get to know new guys, but they don't understand that it's much worse this way!”

"Exactly! I don't know if it's the same for you, but... it's hard to explain. When you have to forget someone, the best solution would be to avoid everything that makes you think of that someone, right? Well, how can't they see that a date is the first thing that makes me think of my ex because..."

“Because that's the thing you used to do with her! Same thing for me, I agree. You date a guy and you come up with the same situations and…”

“And make comparisons!”

"Of course, how the fuck can you not make them!"

“Do you know why I chose the Scorpions on the jukebox?”

“Cause you have memories of her with that song?”

“Because she can't stand that band, she hates them!”

“Hahaha”

“I've been scrolling through all the titles on that fucking jukebox for a while and there wasn't a name that made me feel something. And music is my life, mind you. Then my eyes landed on that name and... byeeee"

"And then, I even told you that I like them"

"Right! Tell me, how could this arranged date make me forget Angie, it can't, it's the opposite"

"Five minutes after you arrived, I had already made a mental comparison between the shades of blond of your hair and those of Rob, as well as your heights and way of laughing"

"We're both so fucked up, we need to make a toast!" I exclaim, as I pour some of the content of my glass into hers, then go back to being serious for a moment "You're not squeamish, are you?"

"Hahaha no, nit at all! Here's to the broken and pathetic hearts!"

"Cheers" our glasses touch each other and we drink them all down in one.

“You're nice, if you weren't brokenhearted I would have hooked up with you. You're cute too"

"Really?"

“Yeah, tall, long hair, musician… you're pretty much my type”

“Wow, thanks, I'm flattered”

“And at least you understand me. Whereas I'm going to have to go on who knows how many more blind dates."

“Well, maybe sooner or later you will find someone you'll be so attracted to that you will even forget your ex's name”

"Eheh after what we said to each other, you are not credible anymore, I'm sorry"

“Well, just tell your friends that you don't want to date anyone right now”

“Do you think I didn't? Like it's a prerogative to have someone, I mean, what's wrong with being single?”

“Single and happy!”

“Besides, sex is overrated”

"Well..."

“Yeah, it's cool, I'm not saying it isn't, but it's not like I miss it that much. It's not the thing I miss the most about Rob, so that's proof that it's not fundamental."

“In fact, it's not like I'm struggling either. And I wasn't one to spare himself, on the contrary..."

“I bet your not sparing yourself has to do with how you broke your ex's heart, right? I'm not judging you, huh! We all make mistakes, we are human"

“What can I say, you hit the mark. But now the girls who go around in the backstage of our concerts... I don't even look at them, I don't see them, I don't want to "

“LOOK, I HAD AN IDEA!” Heather slaps her palm hard on the table, causing even the guys sitting at the table next to her to turn towards us.

"What an idea?"

“We are in the same situation and we have the same problem. Why can't we be each other's problem solvers?"

"Uh?"

“It's just occurred to me right now, maybe it's bullshit, but I think it would work”

"Do you want to explain yourself better?"

“So, Demri and Layne will be back at the table soon, they'll see there's no chemistry between us, they'll see us leaving without even exchanging numbers, and what will they do next time?”

“They'll torment us asking why it didn't work?”

“No, that what they will do tonight, immediately. But what will they do next time?”

“What will they do?”

“They'll introduce us to someone else! And on and on and it will never end!”

“I'm about to go on tour with the boys, they'll ask me to do the fourth every time they pick up someone with a friend"

“And Dem? She knows literally everyone in Seattle, do you have any idea how many tall, long-haired musicians will be sitting where you are right now?”

“And what would your solution be?”

“Put on some chemistry”

"That is?"

“Let's not tell them it didn't work” Heather shrugs as if she's telling me the most obvious thing in the world.

"Do you want them to believe we've clicked?"

"We'll make them believe we like each other, we can exchange some effusions..."

“Exchange what?”

“Just for show! We can also exchange numbers. You're going on tour soon, aren't you? At most you call me once or twice, just to make the game more believable for my roommate too. Your friends will see that you're into me and you're doing ok and they won't dare pushing other girls to you at the risk of screwing you up again"

"And your girlfriends will quit arranging blind dates"

“It's a win win for both"

“Mmm”

“I know the fake boyfriend archetype is overused and may sound like a John Hughes rom-com cliché, but I assure you I have no ulterior motives. And it would be for a good cause: our sanity” Heather looks at me hopefully. All in all she's not talking bullshit and, fake or not, her eyes are hard to say no to.

“It's so absurd that it could work”

"WHAT?" I'm so focused on Heather's evil plan that I don't notice our friends returning, or Demri coming over to scream in my ear.

“What, what?” I ask playing dumb.

“What could work?” she repeats, as she sits down with her boyfriend.

"Us! We found out that we are very different, but also have so much in common, right Jerry?” Heather winks at me and moves the chair a little closer.

"True! You were right to drag me here, man, you know?” I reach around my new accomplice's shoulders as Layne looks at me in amazement.

"Seriously? Well…” but not without suspicion.

 

I'm not getting into another mess, am I?

 

************************************************** *****************************************

 

"Your first kiss? When did it happen? With whom? Tell me..."

Grace and I are in the midst of our almost daily post-coital Random Questions session to get to know each other better, hosted as always on the couch in her apartment. Grace's couch is the official home for pretty much everything we do, whether it's sex, post-sex, no sex, listening to records, eating, watching tv, looking at aquariums, or hanging out. Oh and I also sleep on it, because Grace's bed is still offlimits. Because the speech I made to her the other night was perfect and I know my words hit the mark, but in the meantime, making love without her boots, let alone sleeping together, it's still not an option. And so here we are, me in my underwear, she wearing my T-shirt and her ever-present boots, both on the sofa which has now taken on the shape of our bodies, especially mine, eating toasted cashew nuts and asking questions to get to know each other, when in reality we'd just need to undress completely and go to her room to really get closer. Anyway, intimacy is made up of many things and it takes a lot of time to build it. I have patience, it's just that I have the bad habit of always turning around and keeping an eye on the easiest route, while I trudge along the most impervious path, unanimously considered the most effective.

“It happened on sixth grade, with a redhead I didn't like,” I recall as the scepter of power, aka the bowl of cashews, passes from Grace's hands to mine.

"I don't know why, but I expected such an answer. Was she crazy too?"

"Mmm no, Jane was normal, as normal as an eleven-year-old can be. She was nice, okay, but not someone I intended to kiss"

"And how did it go?"

"We were walking home from school, we lived on the same street. We got off the school bus and walked together, her house was before mine, when we got there and I was saying goodbye, she took her chance"

"Girls who take the initiative are a recurring element in your life, have you noticed that?" Grace reaches into the bowl and takes a hefty handful.

"Yes. But not with you, I kissed you" let's give Caesar what belongs to Caesar.

"Okay, and all the work to get to the kiss? What about that? I did it all man!" okay, always dotting the i's.

"Details"

"Anyway, Jane tried to kiss you and you?"

"I panicked, of course"

"Obviously"

"And as her lips were getting dangerously close..."

"You ran away?"

"No, I told her the first thing that came to my mind"

"That is?"

"That I'd just threw up"

"Ahahahaha what???" the sofa shakes a little under us as she laughs. 

"I told you, it was the first thing that came to my mind! And as I tried to explain to her that it must have been the meatloaf from the cafeteria and that I had thrown it up in the school toilet before going out, she threw me off"

"Did she vomit too?"

"No he said It's okay , he shrugged and kissed me anyway! Can you believe that?"

"Wow she must have liked you so much"

"So she wasn't quite as normal as she seemed" 

"You gotta have a crush to be willing to kiss a pucked mouth"

"No, you must be sick! However it was a wet and cold kiss. And there were no more kisses between me and her. To be safe anyway, from then on I went to school by bike"

"It didn't traumatize you at all, nooo"

"And what about you?"

"Ah my story is less funny. I was twelve, he was one year older, I had braces on my teeth, he had too. We didn't get stuck or anything like that, but there were some technical difficulties, mini metallic clashes, it was a bit embarrassing, but cute" the little smile that appeared on her face as she recalled the memory almost makes me jealous.

"And your cute kiss was the first of a long series?"

"No, the next day he got together with my friend" and the dreamy smile disappeared, replaced by a half-resigned grin.

"Ouch. Did she have braces as well? It must have been an issue of accessibility, don't take it personally"

"Actually no, she didnt!"

"Come on, next question, but this time it's my turn" I take matters into my own hands and pretend to improvise a question that I've been preparing for a while instead.

"Ok"

"How many guys did you date after the surgery?"

"Oh. Wow, good question" 

"I only ask good questions"

"First of all, define date"

"At least one date, in the evening, alone" I list the primary conditions on three fingers.

"Okay, well, that's an accurate definition"

"Did you expect something different from me?" I set the bowl of cashews down on the coffee table and cross my arms, turning to face her, preparing myself for her response and the big talk that will follow.

"Hehe absolutely not"

"So?"

"Well I don't know, ten-ish"

"What about a more precise answer, adequate to the question?" I know, it's not essential to have the exact data, but while we're at it, I want to know.

"Wait..." Grace, after one last bite, rubs the salt of the cashews off her hands and then I see her start counting mentally and with her fingers.

"Twelve"

"Including me?

"Thirteen" she corrects herself with a satisfied smile. 

"And how many of them did you share your secret with?"

"All of them, except two. So eleven"

"And how many of these did you go on a second date with?"

"Mmmm six"

"And how many have you had sex with?"

"Oh God, where are you going with this?" Grace starts to get suspicious, but I won't give up.

"How many?"

"Four"

"And of these four, how many have also slept with you?" 

"Do we really have to talk about it?" she's not angry, just a little sulky.

"Yup" 

"One"

"Ok. And was this guy so much better than me?"

"Stone..."

“Was he a saint, an empath, a Nobel Peace Prize…?”

"I would say no"

"A psychologist, a therapist, a doctor?"

"No, and he wasn't even a champion of sensitivity, if I have to be honest"

"Great! Just like me. So how about we give my back a break tonight and have a good night's sleep in your room?"

"You have to understand that it's not easy"

"No way! Really? Of course know it's difficult, Grace, and even if I hadn't figured it out myself, let's say that an average of one in thirteen would have been overwhelming proof, don't you think?" 

"It took me a long time to accept myself, it was hard to be able to look at myself, let alone let another person see me and touch me"

"Grace, I know, ok? I know. But I'll ask you a question" I take her hand, perhaps more to block her than to console her. 

"Another one??"

"We have to get to know each other, don't we?" I take the other one too and she squeezes both of them.

"Yes, but at this rate we'll tell each other everything tonight and what will we be talking about from tomorrow on?"

"Haha, do you think I won’t find any more topics to talk about? Me? You underestimate me"

"Okay, what do you want to know?" she sighs resigned.

"You don't show yourself because you're uncomfortable or because you don't want to make me uncomfortable?" 

"Stone, it is...both"

"But in percentage?"

"How can I quantify? I don't know, fifty-fifty"

"Bullshit"

"Ahahahah how can you say that?" 

"What happens if you take off these boots in front of me now? Nothing changes. Nothing for you, you are always the same, the only variable is me and how I could react. This is what changes and this is what worries you"

"And you think your reaction has nothing to do with me? That it doesn't have any effect? ​​I'm obviously worried about it"

"Sure, but you gotta understand that it's not an avoidable thing. I mean, sooner or later it will have to happen, I can't sleep on this couch forever and you can't wear boots inside the house forever" 

"Sometimes I even wear normal shoes. With baggy pants," she points out knowing full well that's not the point, but behaving as if it were. 

"Yes and when you have that outfit it means you don't wanna have sex" I can lighten up a conversation too, you know?

"Ahahahah"

"I've learned to recognize the signs, you know"

"However, I know that sooner or later it will happen. I just want to take my time" 

"The question is... if I see all of you in a month's time, will your foot be less absent than it is now? I mean, is the non-existence of your foot inversely proportional to the time that goes by?" is it a good idea to make sarcastic jokes right now? Yes, because if I didn't, then it wouldn't be me, I would seem fake, and I want everything to be as true and honest as possible. 

"No, but you'll have more time to get used to the idea"

"And why should that be your problem?"

"Huh?" Grace glares at me, as if I've insulted her, so maybe I need to explain better.

"Cause we're back to to my first question: are you more uncomfortable for yourself or is it more like not wanting to make me uncomfortable? Because if it's the second one, well you don't have to, because it's not your job. It's not your job to think how to make your boyfriend feel comfortable when he's with you, that's none of your business, it's the part of the relationship work that I have to do, it's my responsibility, not yours. Will it be a piece of cake? No. Will I be completely indifferent to the thing? Fuck no, but I'm the one who has to deal with my fears and reactions, not you" 

"You must be really uncomfortable on this sofa to try and sound so convincing, huh?" she delivers this pretty good, because she keeps a very serious expression, except for a slightly arched eyebrow. 

"I don't give a fuck about the couch"

"I know, I was being sarcastic"

"Well you can't be when I'm not"

"The light must stay off" the light will be off, but I finally see a glimmer of light.

"Okay, I'll grope, feeling the stuffed animals in the dark towards the bed"

"And the hands must stay away from the legs"

"Jeez, I'll keep them away from everything if you want, I'll stay on my side and won't move, if you want you can come closer. We'll, if you really have to"

"I have to remove the prosthesis when I sleep"

"I'm so ignorant I didn't know, see how much I'm already learning with you? Anyway it's ok" 

"But I have the sock"

"Ok"

"It's a specific sock, which you put on the stump... it covers everything, in short"

"I won't see it in the dark anyway"

“Ok”

"Ok, can we go, then?" I slowly get up from the couch, not letting go of her hands, which I've been holding the whole time.

"Let's go" she takes a moment, then she gets up too.

"Anyway, you don't need to turn off the light right away. You're wearing my shirt and you're completely naked underneath, who gives a shit about your feet? I mean, in general, people aren't constantly looking at each other's feet while interacting. I take it for granted that people have them, but it's not like they're there to be looked at. Have you ever seen my feet? Can you honestly tell me what they look like? I guess not, I think you don't give a shit after all. And the same thing  goes for me. And by the way, I'm too concentrated on what is there to think about what's missing" I go freewheeling, perhaps because the walk in silence towards the bedroom looks so much like a journey to the gallows and this has got nothing to do with that.

"Are you done?" Grace stops in front of the bedroom door and looks at me as if I were a poor jerk.

"Yup"

"I've already said yes, you don't have to convince me anymore"

"You said yes to this now. There are still a lot of things I have to convince you to do, I must keep myself in training"

**************************************************

21:58 

In theory there are two minutes left for my shift, in practice, as usual, it will still take some time before I set foot back home. First I have to dispose of the people in the till, then I have to do the accounts and write down the partial collection, I gotta check that there are enough coins and cash, bags, paper rolls of the card machine and the cash register, leave notes in the notebook for Ian about the things I've done and what still needs to be done. In short, I won't be free before half past ten, but tonight I don't mind. I have to wait for Eddie anyway. Finally we'll see each other and we manage to spend one evening together. At least I hope, cause he warned me that he might be late, but that he will do everything to be here as soon as possible after today's recording session. He cares a lot and, well, so do I. Every time we talk on the phone or see each other in passing it's like he's trying to apologize for his working schedule and I'm always there to reassure him. It's his job, and you don't have to be together 24/7 to be in a relationship. However I am pleased to be able to spend a quiet evening without counting the minutes. And maybe it's because of my unusual good mood that I decide to break the rule of the good old pissed off saleswoman and start a conversation with the customer in front of me that goes a little beyond the simple greeting. 

"Good evening, how are you?" I smile as I type the receipt.

"Have you ever sat on the toilet reading the newspaper long enough to forget you shitted only to realize minutes later that you hadn't wiped your ass?"

"...it's twenty-four dollars fifty-five"

It's my fault, only my fault. 

The intellectual man pays and leaves and it's the turn of another guy in his forties. Of all the items he's placed on the counter for me, I reach for the six-pack of beer first and I am about to scan it, but the man cuts me off. 

"Sorry, I'm actually trying to drink a little less. Could you put them away, please?"

"Sure no problem!" I put the beers to the side and continue with the rest of the shopping, when a woman, who has appeared out of nowhere, approaches him and stares at me with a glare.

"What did you tell him?!" he yells at me.

"Excuse me?"

"Stop talking to my man! You can't have him, he's mine!" then she turns to him "What the fuck did she tell you? Did she ask your number or what?!"

"Mmm no, I just asked her to put the beers aside" he replies in a calm, monotonous voice, in stark contrast to her anxious one. 

I look at her dumbfounded, she stares at him first, then me and I take the beer to show to her and confirm the man's version; then her gaze returns to him.

"Ah! So now you're buying other women drinks, huh?! Forget about coming home tonight!" and that said, she just up and leaves. 

The customer stands there, impassive, rolls his eyes, and then motions me to continue. I tap the last few pieces and at that point I see him stretch his hands over the beers to bring them closer to the till again.

"Okay, l think I'll take the beer after all. If I have to sleep in the dog's kennel tonight, at least I won't be sober!" he hints at a smile, rather bitter, with the face of someone who has already seen multiple scenes like this. I finish his bill, he pays and leaves and I greet him, not envying him at all. 

"Oh, such weird people..." a lady in a long yellow coat, the last in line, at least for now, shakes her head as she approaches the counter.

"Yes, strange types show up sometimes at this time if the day" 

"Very Strange"

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I have to make a return"

"Sure, what is it about?"

"I'm returning this" the lady hands me a copy of today's Seattle Times. 

Never two without three.

"Excuse me, why do you want to return it?"

"Because I've read it all, I need tomorrow's issue"

Take a breath, Angie, a good deep breath. 

"Tomorrow's paper isn't out yet, ma'am, but I couldn't change it for you anyway"

"Well give me a voucher, so tomorrow I can get the new newspaper"

"It's not possible, ma'am, I can't accept this return"

"Why not? It's from today, it's expiring, you have to give me tomorrow's newspaper" 

The thing that drives me crazy the most is actually having a dialogue with people like this: not the assholes, who insult you or pick on you by yelling after you, they are nothing compared to people who are perfectly calm, even kind, and lucid in their their madness, they really think they're right and they just don't understand why you're there making trouble for them. 

"I can't because my superior takes care of this kind of returns, just wait a minute, I'll go call him immediately" I wouldn't want to bother Hannigan, but I can't make it tonight. And then I caught a glimpse of the headlights and the silhouette of Eddie's pickup through the glass, so goodbye. 

I get the boss to intervene and he must be really in a state of grace because he tells me to go and that he'll take care of the rest. It's mid-March, but I'm sure tomorrow it's gonna snow! I go and get changed in a flash and when I come back in front of the till I hear the lady repeating the same objections and, at the same time, the doorbell ringing.

"EDDIE! God I'm glad to see you!" I greet him, and almost knock him down, with a hug.

"Hey! Oh, well, heheh, me too Angie"

"Please save me, take me away from this madhouse" I add softly begging for mercy. 

"Ah! So that's why…"

"There's a particularly high concentration of crazy customers tonight"

"And I thought you missed me, at least a little bit" Eddie frees himself from my clutches and jokingly pushes me away pretending to be offended. 

"Of course I missed you." I come closer and kiss him. Yes, here, in front of everyone, including Hannigan, Ian and the crazy customer. Eddie should be proud of me, I'm not ashamed of anything anymore. Well almost "The fact that your arrival coincides with the end of my nightmarish shift is a plus" 

"I pretend to believe you. I forgive you. But only because it's you. And because it's a special day" he kisses me to seal the peace and I think about how special this evening will be. I guess Eddie has very high expectations, but I just hope I don't fall asleep before the end of the film since I'm also a bit tired.

"So, what do you want to do? Where are we going?" she asks me once outside.

"Oh well, I was planning on staying home, I rented a movie" 

"Okay, kitty" I appreciate the fact that he kept the dumb nickname for when we would be alone, away from prying ears.

"And then I was thinking of ordering a pizza, since I haven't eaten"

"Oh perfect, me neither! In fact I'm starving" with an arm around my neck, he accompanies me towards the door of my house. 

"But maybe you wanted to go somewhere"

"Nah, your place is great"

"Perhaps you were thinking of something in particular. We can also change plans, you know"

"The program is fantastic and, to tell you the truth, it's exactly what I was hoping for, I'm a little tired. Of course, if you had planned something else then I would have adapted, but really, pizza, movie and sofa with you seem like a dream to me right now"

"Are you sure?" he's kept talking about this special evening for days but now he wants me to believe that he was waiting for nothing but to be sprawled out on the sofa to stock up on pizza and horror?

"Absolutely. Then it's with you, so it's perfect regardless"

"Is it?" I ask him as we climb the stairs.

"Of course. Well... actually, no." he changes pace, in every sense, because he accelerates and passes me on the steps, then he turns around and I see that he's pouting. Real or fake? "No, because I'm actually mad at you" 

"Hehe what? Why?"

"Ask Matt" he starts running up the stairs, but not too fast, because he knows very well that I would catch up with him the day after tomorrow and out of breath.

"Matt? What does Matt have to do with it?" I ask both him and myself, not understanding the connection between the drummer and some crap of my own that I may have said or done. 

"Well Matt told me something this morning during our guitar lesson"

"Ah. You mean that Matt" I understand he's talking about Dillon and not Cameron.

"Yeah, that Matt. Let me tell you, I'm very, very disappointed" we get to my floor, we cross the corridor, he always pouting ahead and I behind, laughing a little and thinking about how I'll get out of it this time. 

"I don't understand what you mean, what did he tell you?" I play dumb as I open the door, under Eddie's stern, judgmental gaze. 

"He told me that a few days ago he met some of my friends on set, which would then be you and Grace"

"Ok"

"So I explained to him that you're my girlfriend and guess what he said?" did he really feel the need to tell a Hollywood actor that I'm his girlfriend? 

"Um what if I order the pizza first and then I guess?" rhetorical question as I take off my jacket and grab the cordless phone.

"He said we would all surely meet each other more often on set, since Cam OFFERED YOU A FUCKING PART IN THE FILM" Eddie reveals everything and raises his voice just when I've finished dialing the number and put the phone to my ear.

"Is it okay with double cheese?" 

"Yup." she concedes and then takes me by the hand to the sofa while I finish ordering "But you're a liar"

"It's not true, I told you so! I also told you about how I escaped and about the shitty figure" I try to justify myself to him, who looks at me like a principal listening to the apologies of the student in trouble, undecided whether to suspend them or not, obviously sitting on the opposite side of the sofa a thousand miles from me.

"You told me you ran away because there were too many famous people and you were getting anxious and not because Crowe had just asked you to star in the movie"

"It's not a lie, technically it's more of an omission"

"And why would you have omitted to tell me this?"

"Because if you had known, you would have tried to convince me to accept"

"Why? Don't you want to accept?" he suddenly asks me in amazement and moves on the sofa in my direction.

"There we go"

"But why?" Eddie moves a little closer. Why? As if he didn't know me.

"Because… it's not my thing"

"But cinema… is your thing, isn't it supposed to be like your job?" he gets even closer until our knees touch.

"I want to write for cinema, not act"

Eddie unties my legs, which were crossed until a second ago, and gently adjusts them on his, he pulls me towards him and now we're as close as we can get. 

"I too want to write and sing songs, not be a roadie. But I set up the stages anyway. It's all part of the system, you have to start somewhere"

"You only did it so you could see concerts for free"

"Well, just think that you can watch a movie for free, from inside the movie." he reiterates hugging me "You can see how a film is made, see the actors"

"I don't care about actors and movies look much better from the outside, trust me"

"Angie, can I ask you one thing?"

"Yes" I say and I already expect the correct and perfectly logical, as well as almost certainly funny, speech with which he will bare the stupidity of my insecurities and demonstrate that accepting that part is the only sensible thing to do and will convince me to say yes and that's exactly why I didn't want to tell him a damn thing in the first place. 

"Actually two"

"Ok"

"Where's Meg?"

"She went to be a stewardess at a cardiology convention or something, and she said she'd go dancing with the other girls afterward, so she'll be back late."

"And when does the pizza arrive?" it confuses me and I try to understand how far he's taking it and where he's going with his motivational speech starting from my roommate and passing through pizza.

"In half an hour. Why?"

"Because… I know we're discussing important things and I don't want to sound inappropriate at all, but we're alone and so much can be done in half an hour and you're so sexy when you insist on defending your indefensible opinions and wee haven't had sex in like fifteen years, so how about going to your room for a sec?"

"How can it be fifteen years if we've known each other for less than one?"

"Tsk you want to be a writer and you can't recognize hyperbole?"

"What?"

"Hyperbole"

"Say it again"

"Hyperbole"

"You're sexy when you say hyperbole, could you say that in a more indefensible tone?"

"Fuck you. Shall we go?" 

Since I'm good at being cool and resisting, about thirty seconds later we are in my bed. And we're still there exactly seven minutes later, gasping for breath in the dark. 

"A bit fast, huh?" 

"Fast, but effective"

"I told you it felt like fifteen years..."

"If these are the effects, I recommend continuing to see each other at this frequency"

"What a bitch!" I can make out his smiling profile in the dark, as he shifts closer under the covers "Anyway, going back to the previous topic…"

"Ah, do you want to go back to the previous discussion? I thought you'd dismissed it by now due to more urgent needs- OUCH!" I joke and he, close to me, takes his revenge with a pinch where the sun doesn't shine. 

"No, I haven't dismissed it. And be good, because I'm about to say something serious"

"Mmm ok, shoot" here comes the bullshit in disguise that will lead me to accept the proposal.

"I don't want to tell you what to do, because in the end it's you who have to decide. I can only give you my opinion. I think that deep down you want to throw yourself into this adventure but you're scared or ashamed or both. I don't know if you can do it, but Crowe is a professional, I think he can tell if a person can act or not and would never entrust you with a part above your skills. I have a line too, you know?"

"But I have more than one, that's the problem!"

"He definitely doesn't give a shit about our acting skills, he wants us to play ourselves, so you too, you'll just have to be yourself"

"Okay, I correct myself, that 's the problem"

"I don't…" My eyes have adjusted to the darkness and I see almost every detail of his face as she tries to piece together what he wants to say "but I don't see why you shouldn't try. Worst case scenario, if it really doesn't work, Cam could always cut your scene, you've got nothing to lose."

"Except my dignity"

"Mmm don't pretend to be a coward"

"Hahaha do you think I pretend? Sure, I'm actually super brave"

"You're very brave. Since I've known you, I've seen you do a lot of things that you might not even want to hear at first: play basketball with us, play the drums, go up the Space Needle, dance in a disco full of people without shyness, taking a plane to San Diego alone..." he kisses me after the last one in the list "I wasn't there yet, but I heard you even took the elevator in this building once" 

"There I risked seriously"

"Anyway, it seems to me that you are quite good at doing the things that scare you the most, this would be just the umpteenth demonstration of how cool you are, you wouldn't risk anything"

And I would like to tell him that I'm neither cool or brave and that if I've done each of those things it's because each and every time there was someone else to push me and that it takes very little insistence to make me do things, it's really easy to make me say yes. But for once I don't want to exaggerate, I don't want to make him snort as usual and turn out to be the ever problematic girl, I don't want to destroy his beliefs: I mean, if he's drawn this little portrait of Angie the Intrepid in his mind, who am I to refute it? At the same time, I have no idea what the fuck to say because I never understood how the hell you respond to compliments.  Like, who was supposed to teach me and when? Usually I respond with a sarcastic joke, but now I'm in bed with my boyfriend and something tells me that would not be the best reaction. So what do I do? Do I show discomfort? Do I scale back his flattery? Do I justify the reason for the success of all the experiences he listed? Do I distrust? Goat? Not say anything? Drop the subject? Thank him and stop? The sound of the intercom comes to my rescue.

"Oh. Either Meg broke all hearts at the cardiologist convention or our pizza's early." Eddie pulls away from me and sits up on the bed.

"We gotta get up to find out" 

"I'll go, don't worry" Eddie with sudden newfound energy springs out of bed and leaves the room.

"EDDIE?!" I yell at him as he runs away, but he doesn't listen. He reappears at my bedroom door a minute later.

"It's the pizza" he acts as if nothing had happened.

"BUT DID YOU GO LIKE THIS?" I insist, holed up under the duvet, while he turns on the light and explores the floor of the room. Luckily I'm already lying down, otherwise I could have collapsed.

"Like what?" he asks absently, then finds his boxers at the foot of the bed and, picking them up, finally looks at me. And I look at him. And then he understands "I only answered the intercom, he can't see me" he smiles slyly putting on his underwear.

"Thank god…"

"Don't pretend to be jealous, you're not credible" he quickly puts on his cargo pants and red checked shirt, buttoning it at random. 

"The money for the pizza is in the cabinet outside in the corridor, in the drawer"

"Okay." starts to leave the room again, but then turns around "What are you doing? Aren't you coming?"

"I'm coming now"

"Ok"

"Ok" I answer, still under the duvet, while he doesn't get out of there. 

"Or maybe you want to have dinner in bed?" the little shit winks at me.

"No no, no crumbs in my bed"

"All right"

"Okay" and he stays there.

"Come on or pizza will get cold" 

"I told you I'm coming now, just go and I'll join you!" he almost laughs at me, but the pizza guy saves me a second time as he rings the doorbell. Eddie gives up and goes to open the door but I don't hear the sound of the drawer opening. What the fuck. I get out of bed in a sprint and close the door before putting on my pajamas in record time. When I leave the room we almost have a head-on collision: the jerk thought he would be catching me red-handed! 

"Ready?" he asks pretending to pass by by chance.

"You payed?" 

"Yup"

"But the money is here" I open the drawer and show him.

"I took the money from my wallet"

"And why?"

"To make it faster. Are you coming now or do we have to stay here and discuss until the pizza becomes inedible?"

"Come on, let's go!" I would like to take his hand, but I end up pulling him by the unbuttoned sleeve of his shirt, and take him to the sofa. Eddie immediately grabs a slice of pizza and I manage to throw paper napkins at him, threatening him "If you dirty my sofa I'll kill you"

"What movie are we watching, kitty?"

"We're watching Children of the corn !" I reply enthusiastically by pressing PLAY on the remote control and pounce on the pizza too.

"From the title, I imagine it's a romantic comedy with a guaranteed happy ending" 

"Obviously" 

"And are you sure I can eat while I watch it?"

"Ahah yes, don't worry, it's not that strong" I open two beers and give him one.

"You said the same thing about Hellraiser "

"Okay, you're the one who's too sensitive! Amyway this is a lot softer, there's no comparison, I'd say it's almost comedy"

"Ok, I trust you, kitty" we toast with our cans and start the vision.

***

"Well comedy… I wouldn't say that…" the movie is over, as well as pizza and beer.

"Come on, shall we talk about the acting? And then, those fucking special effects! It seems like they ran out of money at some point"

"They must have spent it all on corn"

"Haha exactly! Hey, by the way, did you know that in a certain sense I was a child of the corn as well?"

"Were you a member of a satanic cult of baby-killers?" Eddie, who was completely slouched on his side of the sofa, now sits up a little curious.

"Eheheh no, also because at this age they would have already sacrificed me"

"So?"

"Well, you know the summer jobs you used to work when you were a kid? Ok, you're from San Diego, so well, your concept of a summer job will include things like lifeguard, waiter, ice cream guy, stuff like that, right?"

"More or less. Whereas in Idaho?"

"In Idaho we went out castrating corn!"

"Hahaha what?" at this point I have Eddie's full attention, and he sits up straight and approaches me.

"Corn detasseling, I went four years in a row, to Notus"

"What the fuck does detasseling mean? Does corn get castrated?"

Of course now I'm teaching my mini-agriculture lesson that Eddie was dying to hear. On special evenings, couples talk about projects, they slowly discover each other, they flirt. Instead, I talk about how corn has both male and female flowers, explaining that if you remove the male part of the plant it will not pollinate itself, but it can be fertilized by the variety chosen by the farmer, which will not be clipped, thus creating hybrids . 

"In simple terms, the work consisted of walking for hours and hours in the corn fields, pulling the tops off the plants with your bare hands. You started in the morning, when everything was damp, and you ended up in the afternoon, soaked in sweat from the heat. Also because you had to wear long pants and long sleeves if you didn't want to cut your skin completely"

"Sharp leaves?"

"Like fucking razors, Eddie, you don't understand"

"The ideal job for children"

"I'm sure you'll be more understanding with Malachi now"

"Hahaha yes! Now I understand why they rebelled, poor kids"

"I'm pretty sure He who walks behind the rows is actually a child who got lost while corn detasseling, bleeding to death, and now his soul continues to wander in the fields in search of his parents to take revenge"

"Blood red corn from children employed in child labour"

"Those in short-sleeved T-shirts! But I was making twelve dollars an hour..."

"Not bad! Anyway, you were practically working as corn contraceptives"

"We Were Corn's Planned Parenthood "

"So corn has sex too. And more than us, I guess”

"Hahahaha Eddie!" I get up acting shocked, and I go to throw away both the pizza box and the empty beer cans.

"I'd rather not be neutered though"

"You're an asshole! How long have you been circling around the concept to finally get there?"

"It's been a while. Just kidding, kitty"

"I know" I get back from the kitchen.

"It's just that… well, we just got together, we should be in the middle of our honeymoon phase , but I'm never there and I'm so sorry"

"Our phase what??"

"Yes, the first phase of a relationship. When you are constantly looking for each other... euphoria, lots of mutual attention, cuddles, continuous search for physical contact, passion, chemistry... you know?"

"Well, I'd say we still have these things, don't we? They're just more… diluted over time"

"Uh I'd rather concentrate them"

"But that's not necessarily a bad thing if you think about it: it means you'll get tired of me much later" 

"Why do you always have to say stuff like that?" it's not that he's really pissed off, but you can clearly see him frowning a bit.

"Heheh come on, it was a joke"

"I know, but I don't like it when you make these jokes. About me breaking up with you, getting tired or bored… it's like you did that to normalize the thing, to prepare yourself for when it should happen"

"It's not like that" but it's exactly like that, fuck, and I could not have summarized the concept better. If I can't help saying certain things it's not because I want to be reassured by him that they will never happen, but precisely because I know for sure that they will happen and at least that's how I get used to the idea. 

"I'm exaggerating, I know. I don't want to make a drama out of it, it's just that I don't really think about the end of our relationship, I don't wanna think about it, not even as a joke"

"Maybe it's because we've had different experiences, that's all"

"Yeah. Anyway, I didn't want to start an argument, who cares about other experiences, let's think about this one now, ok? And then, especially today" he takes me by the hand and the dimpled smile becomes overbearing again.

"Hehe why today?"

"Well, because it's a special day"

"Wow the fact that you missed me so much flatters me, but does it take so little to make a day special?"

"It always is when we're together, but… this time it's not special just because of that"

"No? For what then?"

"Well, you should know..."

Oh shit. 

"Mmm should I?"

"Angie, what day is it today?" he releases my hands and, arms folded, begins the interrogation.

"Thursday"

"Yes, but what day is it?"

"March 14th"

"And what day is it?"

"Your Birthday is in December"

"It's clearly qnot my birthday. And neither is yours"

"Name day? I didn't know you were Catholic"

"No and no" by the fact that he's smiling I know I'm not in trouble, but it's clear that I'm not making a great impression. 

"Were we supposed to do something and I completely forgot about it?"

"No, it's something we've done before, some time ago." he explains to me and when he sees the cosmic nothingness in my eyes he gives me another clue “One thing we did this day”

"But last year in March we didn't know each other, I wasn't even here"

"Don't go back too long"

"What do you mean?"

"A month ago, what day was it?" he rolls his eyes and gives me yet another little help.

"February 14th, Valentine's Day?"

"And where were you a month ago at this time?"

"Dunno, same as the last 18 years? Most likely in bed sleeping"

"No. Think about it, where were you?"

"Wait, yeah, I was on a bus to Seattle"

"Okay, what about a few hours before? Where were you? What were you doing? Angie, you're fucking making me sweat"

"Aaaaaaaaaah! I know! At the bus station! We kissed!"

"BINGO!" Eddie even starts a mini applause, I don't know if it's relief or to take the piss out of me or both.

"Yay! See? I did it"

"So you understand why it's special"

"It was great, yes. At one point I didn't understand shit anymore, but it was an unforgettable moment" he kissed me and I started hearing Depeche Mode in my head and then I couldn't even remember where I was, if he hadn't physically put me on that bus I'd probably still be there.

"Yes and that's when it all started. Well, it's a kind of anniversary, isn't it? It's not an anniversary, but…"

"It's a... Monthliversary! Ahahahahah like welve year olds say, who count months"

"Well, we've been together for a month, so…"

"A month…? What do you mean? Cause you… you count since the kiss?"

"Yes, for me it started from there. Why? Since when do you count?"

"I don't count"

"Huh?"

"I mean, I never asked myself the question. I didn't know I had to count, that's it"

"You didn't know you had to count" he repeats, looking at me almost in amazement.

"I didn't… I explained to you that I haven't really had any regular relationships, right?"

"Are you saying you never counted ?"

“Exactly, the guys I was with weren't interested in those things. And so I never was either. I never celebrated anniversaries, monthlyversaries  or dayversaries or anything really. My relationships were all so short that I never even had time to figure out if I wanted to celebrate"

"Well, it's not that it's essential to have a date. But… no, fuck it, it's not true, I want a date, I need it, so if it's okay with you, February 14th is our day, ok?" his inner debate can be seen very well even from the outside and makes me smile.

"What you call our day ironically coincides with the most hypocritical and commercial holiday in the world, did you notice that?" 

"Of course! And making it our day is the greatest revolutionary act we can do, don't you think?" 

"Well, it's a point of view- WAIT" I don't smile anymore because I just realized it's not a fucking laugh.

"Hehe what is it?"

"You've been talking about this special night for days. Because that's what you meant! Celebrating our… Oh my!  Our monthlyiversary?!"

"Yes, but it's not like we had to do who knows what celebration, what we did is fine"

"But it doesn't count if I didn't know shit! I forgot, do you understand? I feel like shit" I stare at the carpet in the living room and I would like to roll up in it and then be thrown into the landfill in shame.

"Hahaha but no, why?"

"You thought of something sweet and I'm the fucking cold loveless nonaffective girlfriend" I take a pillow from the sofa and sink my face into it.

"Nonaffective? You?? How?!"

"I'm a bitch. Luckily you didn't buy me a gift, otherwise I'd be a total bitch"

"Uhm…"

"Eddie?" his hesitation leads me to remove the pillow from my face and I read his answer on his.

"It's not like I really got you a present..."

"HOLY FUCKIN SHIT" this time I slump directly on the armrest of the sofa.

"But it's a thing for both of us, not necessarily to celebrate the month" he tries to sugarcoat the pill as he gets up to retrieve his jacket to take something from his pockets.

"You bought me a present. And I didn't even make you a sandwich. I ordered a pizza. WHICH YOU PAID FOR!"

"Kitty, don't fret" she comes back and kneels on the rug in front of me, making me feel more anxious.

"Advice: NEVER call me Kitty when I'm upset"

"Listen, I only bought two tickets to Neil Young at the Coliseum in April. I would have bought them anyway, apart from the monthlyiversary" he explains, showing me the two white and blue tickets.

"I can't believe you say monthlyversary, you're an adult" I breathe a sigh of relief, even though I still feel like shit.

"Are you trying to make me feel stupid?" thinking about it, I feel stupid for forgetting about it, but how must he feel? He made all this big deal about this special occasion when I wasn't even remotely thinking about it, and what's more, I'm making a Greek tragedy out of it.

"No! It's pretty obvious by now that I'm the dumbass of the couple" Eddie puts the tickets in my hands and then takes them in his own.

"So, what I'm trying to say is that I just took them, regardless of the anniversary, because as soon as I heard about the concert, the first thing I thought was that I would go with you. I thought I'd give you the ticket today because. it seemed like a nice way to say Hey, Angie, I didn't disappear, I'm still here and I want to be with you and do things with you and even though the currents seem to carry me away a lot, you'll never lose me because the currents are always changing, and I'll only ever come back to you"

"You really have a thing for surfing metaphors, no doubt about it"

"Fuck off, Angie. From the bottom of my heart" he kisses me and I can't help but think about how much I love when Eddie tells je yo go to hell.

"Now I have to think about what to give to you that can compete with Neil Young"

"You don't owe me anything" he shakes his head as he gets off the floor and settles down on the couch.

"Ok, what if I want to give you a badass gift for our second monthlyversary? Who'll stop me? This time I'll mark it on my calendar though"

"Haha it's not like we have to celebrate every month now"

"Why not? And how do I make up for my poor figure ?"

"You don't, so I keep the upper hand in our couple dynamics"

"I was already looking forward to the fifth, with the curious interposition between our anniversary and the anniversary of the Bastille Day: the two revolutionary acts par excellence"

"I see you're still fucking with me" I pull away again slipping towards the other end of the sofa, but he follows me and is practically on top of me.

"Who? Me? No!"

"You're sexy when you do"

"So yeah, I'm definitely fucking with you, big time"

"The truth is, you do and say a lot of sexy things, have you noticed that?" 

"Yes, you see that's my upper hand in our couple dynamics"

"This too, very sexy"

"Do you want to, like… go to my room?"

"And you read my mind too"

“But I can't read every single thing"

“No?”

"Uhm no"

"Then I guess I'll have to give you some advice"

"Please, I'm all ears"

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

9. My Sharon…ah a.k.a. porn star alter egos, the other Stone and a dangerous ginger (Part One)

We’ve already been waiting for our food for almost an hour; unlike we do during our usually chaotic meals accompanied by parallel discussions, we’re all sitting silently staring in front of ourselves, trying to use as little energy as possible.

“I’ve told you we should have chosen that vegetarian restaurant…” Jeff mutters in a monotonous voice.

“Of course… and the predator part of the team can go to hell, right? Vegetarian restaurant, ‘course… over my dead body, Jeff.” Smitty hisses indignantly.

“Hey, I see food! Finally!” I sigh relieved as I spot the waitress approaching our table carrying two huge trays with burgers, burritos and fries. On arriving, she recoils desperately since everybody starts shouting their orders to be the first to be served. After a few seconds of hesitation, she puts the trays on the table and then flees terrified. I’m not surprised about her reaction; I’ve never been in the middle of a locust swarm but it can be something similar.

“And people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp…” Judy and Stone recite in unison but realizing the situation they both fall silent embarrassed.

“What???” I inquire confused. Their sudden telepathic connection is pretty strange, not to mention the fact that it didn’t make any sense.

“Armaments, Chapter Two.” Stone lectures me briefly with an eyeroll.

“Verses Nine to Twenty-One.” Judy adds helpfully probably seeing my still clueless expression.

“It’s from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. When Arthur and his knights encounter the Killer Rabbit, they think that the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch might…”

“Thanks for the explanation Mike, I think I’ve heard enough...”

“Finally, my precious.” Judy rubs her hands together and grabs the Tabasco bottle to pour an enormous amount of hot sauce on her large cheeseburger.

“Tabasco? Don’t your lips hurt?” Jeff’s head perks up.

Why would her lips hurt? Did Jeff bite her mouth on the date? I glance at Karrie who answers with a barely visible shrug. So she hasn’t succeeded to learn some details of yesterday’s events either… I haven’t been able to get rid of the guys and make Judy tell everything. I could swear she has been hiding intentionally the whole day, she pretended sleeping when I got on their bus and fake-shopped between the shelves of the store at the gas station for long minutes so that we wouldn’t meet at women’s restroom. She’s quite naive if she thinks I would give up and forget about it so easily…

“Why would her lips hurt?” Scully echoes my thoughts.

“Oh, eheh, I thought I got herpes but luckily it was only a false alarm…” she snickers awkwardly. Herpes? Jesus, she’s impossible… Okay, Jeff definitely didn’t bite her anywhere… I’m not the only one who’s shocked by her words, though, Jeff exchanges a meaningful look with the terrified Mike who forgets to chew for a few seconds, Dave narrows his eyes and glances at Stone who answers with a content smirk. Am I hallucinating or do they know something I don’t?

“Uhm, but really, Tabasco? I didn’t know you liked hot sauce.” I try to direct the chat back to culinary topics.

“Oh, I adore it! But… ugh… cucumber…” she picks out a few slices of vegetable of her burger.

“Are you crazy? I mean, that’s not an actual question, of course you are; cucumber is one of the best things in the world... But if you’re such a picky eater, then take the consequences… ” Stone leans over the table and steals the green treasures from her plate.

“Hey, you haven’t even touched your fries, are you a potato snob? And it is him who calls me a picky eater… Waster… Eye for an eye.” Judy fires back and grabs the small paper bag of fries greedily from Stone’s plate.

“Guys, could you suspend the food fight until we finish our meal? You can stay here and disembowel each other with plastic cutlery but please, wait until we leave, I can’t stand blood…” Eric intervenes. “Judy, are you serious, you eat cheeseburger with knife and fork?” he breaks the character of the form teacher.

“I have to… my mouth cavity is extreme small.” Judy explains making Stone snort.

“Hmph… this is new to me, I’ve never heard this excuse. OUCH!!!” he allows himself a sexist joke, which I immediately punish by stomping at full strength on his left foot.

“Maybe because you’ve never even got close to any type of situations when you could hear it.” Jeff joins the attack with verbal means and a satisfied grin.

“Thank you very much, Jeff… Eeed… your partner is hurting meeee....” Stone whines in the voice of annoying squealer kids.

“Because she’s my feminist girl who immediately avenges jerk behavior.” Ed presses a long and slow kiss on my cheek, which makes me immediately pull closer to him.

“And she bites too…” I whisper into his ear making sure that no one else can hear it. Okay, I know, whispering in bigger company is not the most polite behavior but… it’s been a while since we…

“And how was the exhibition?” Scully’s annoying capon voice pulls me back in the present.

“The s...exhibition…” Smitty giggles and earns a head-slap from Karrie for his immature joke.

“I liked it a lot… Zach has really good eyes to find art in everyday life. It’s cool how these paintings reflect on current public issues or even on each other… You know, painters usually don’t use each other’s work as canvas but with graffiti… anything can happen. The angry owner paints the wall or it gets completed or altered by other artists… And this is why Zach’s work is so worthy; he takes snapshots of society…” Judy rambles unaware of the fact that Jeff is listening to her with dreamy heart-eyes.

“Jeff, I’ve started being jealous, you’ve never taken me to any intellectual programs, always those smoky pubs…” Stone pretends jealousy. Scully turns to him and takes a deep breath while stroking his shoulder gently.

“Stoney… it’s high time you faced the fact that is obvious to everyone else here: he’s ashamed of you.”

“But why? I do everything to meet his expectations… I read every day and…” he sniffs.

“Stone, what you do to those… “artistic” magazines… it can’t be regarded as reading.” Jeff snorts moving his hand obscenely over his lap.

“Jesus…” Ed almost spits out his apple juice of laughter and the general amusement spreads along the table like bushfire.

“Stone, if you want to win Jeff’s heart, you have to count with serious competition, reading won’t be enough.”

“Anyway, Scully, speaking of reading, I actually didn’t read yesterday evening since something very weird happened to me when I was heading to my room.” he darts his eyes at Judy who immediately freezes and stops snickering. “I heard music from the bar and went in to take a closer look at the piano player but I happened to meet…”

“AWWWW!!!” Judy groans with a surprisingly high volume, which makes everyone stare at her. “Dif... dif iv fooo delifiouf!!!” she mumbles pointing at her burger. Judging from her pronunciation, she must be nibbling on a half cow in her mouth.

“After this interesting gastronomic intermezzo, I would go on, may I? So, entering the bar I encountered…”

“Amd de dabafco… heabedly…” Judy keeps moaning. Okay, if she goes on like this, I’ll begin to be concerned about her mental condition, maybe someone spiked her drink…

“Okay, everyone who’s interested in this incomprehensible muttering, raise your hands. Nobody? Great. So, entering the bar I encountered a very weird chick.” Stone begins and for some unknown reason, Judy looks as terrified as if she had realized that her food was poisoned.

“You mean alien kind of weird or sort of a psycho girl?”

“Thanks for the great question, Mike. I don’t know, she seemed to be pretty harmless, she just ordered drinks she didn’t like but at one certain point she grabbed my arm, I thought she could have been able to break it. We also played pool but she insisted on choosing the most hopeless options, as if she had tried to lose intentionally.”

Judy listens to him with a tense attention while literally stabbing her burger with the plastic fork again and again.

“And then?” Ed asks with some impatience in his voice. I can relate to him, Stone’s story doesn’t sound very interesting even despite the theatrical presentation.

“I tried to help her with a few advice but she kept digging in my privacy and left insulted.” Stone shrugs.

“… and this was the story of the evening when Stone almost picked up a lunatic. Thanks Stone, that was interesting, really.” Ed sums up probably everybody’s opinion.

Hearing a snapping voice I squint at Judy; as if she’d just woken up from hypnosis, she examines the two plastic sticks helplessly that remained from the fork. Okay, I have to remind Eric to keep any kind of pointed or edged objects away from her if Stone’s in the room as well.

“Ugh… I’m not sure if I’m able to walk back to the club on my own feet…” Mike rubs his stomach standing up from the table.

“Because you’re a chowhound…”

“Would you be willing to pull me back while I’m sitting on carrier trolley? You would be allowed to insult me in the meantime… Consider it Stone, this isn’t an everyday offer, take it or leave it…”

“Come on Mike, he couldn’t even pull a five-year-old child…” Scully follows them and they begin a heated discussion about the estimated load capacity of Stone’s different body parts.

“Beth… uhm, could we talk for a second?” Jeff steps to me. I wait until everyone else leaves but I’m afraid this conversation will be embarrassing even without the smartass remarks of the others. I’m rooting for Jeff with all my heart but the role of the matchmaker isn’t really for me… I encouraged Judy but that doesn’t mean I want to mediate between them…

“What can I do for you?” I ask although I exactly know the answer. Pushing Judy into his bed and locking the door from outside.

“I don’t know if Judy have told you anything about yesterday evening… and I don’t even want to ask it… “he adds defensively seeing I’m about to refuse to take part in any intervention.

“Then what?” I fold my arms amused. I’m mean, I know. But I can’t help enjoying how this more than six feet tall guy is scratching the ground with the tip of his sneaker.

“Our date ended in a pretty sudden way. I mean, you know, we didn’t… kiss…” he lowers his voice at the last word, unnecessarily, though, since everyone else from the team has already left the restaurant.

“But she didn’t slap you either… I mean, I guess.”

“Exactly, that’s the point… we didn’t talk about what’s next. At first I felt pretty confident but… I don’t know, I realized we haven’t agreed on a second date yet and…”

“Look, I think you expect too much from her… Imagine this situation in a normal environment. And when I say “normal”, I mean the usual dating habits. Girl and guy know each other, guy likes girl so he asks her out, they have a date… and that’s where you are right now. What would you do normally after a date?”

“Uhm, I don’t know, I guess I’d call her a few days later and…”

“See, that’s the key. A few days later. You wouldn’t call her immediately pressuring her to give a feedback. The fact she’s around you basically all the time doesn’t mean she doesn’t need time to process and consider the pace. Plus, you’re colleagues. Plus, there are a bunch of curious people around who are observing you like you were the main characters of a soap opera. So being pushed is probably the last thing she needs.”

“I know, but this insecurity is killing me. I’m not a macho type but I don’t like to be fooled either…”

“I’m convinced that she’s not the type who would intentionally fool you. Just give her a little space.”

“Okay… but I would appreciate if you talked to her… I mean you don’t have to tell me how she feels but…”

Jesus, the guy is persistent and his only luck is that I really like him.

“I can’t promise anything, but if she comes up with the topic, I’ll try to drop some cautious hints. Deal?” I throw my arms in the air unwillingly.

“I knew I could count on you!” he flashes his trademark thousand watt smile at me.

And now, all I have to do is cornering Judy. Because I’m not going to let her screw up everything with this sweet idiot.

***

“Hey, Scully, what happened to my amp during the show? I started being worried about Ethel.”

Mike and I glance amused at each other hearing the sign of Stone beginning to embrace the name of his stuffed pet.

“The ventilator I stood behind it broke down. But your calf wasn’t in danger, she felt like a rock star in the cloud of smoke.”

“Please don’t overplay the role, Scul.”

“I’m not overplaying anything, I can hear her mooing the backup vocals every time you play Black, just ask Dave!” Scully puts his tongue out insulted at Stone.

“Jesus, I never thought I would be the one who warned you but… you smoke too much weed.”

“No because I share it with Ethel, she likes chewing the cud of it…”

“Okay, some hash and acid must have kicked in too…” he rolls his eyes following Scully in the hallway.

“Okay, finally we’re alone, we need to talk.” Mike jabbers pulling closer to me.

“But we’re already talking.” I grin at him enjoying his mongoose moves; I’ve noticed he acts like a nervous little rodent when he’s excited.

“Please Jude, we don’t have time for this, they’re back in minutes.”

“Hey, it wasn’t me who…”

“Jude, it’s about Jeff.”

The smile freezes on my face. I can’t believe this, even Mike? I thought if no one else, he’d leave me alone.

“Mike, I’m not going to discuss this with you, it’s my business. And Jeff’s.” I correct myself for show. Obviously, if I had to choose between discussing our thing (in case we have one at all) with Jeff and impalement, I’d pick the latter.

“Wait, so did it happen? Did he conceal it from us only because he’s a gentleman?” his face lights up suddenly. “Oh, I knew you play in the master class, Jeffrey, you shouldn’t be so modest.” he goes on talking to himself.

“Excuse me???” I cut him off suspecting he’s rambling about something I’m not even willing to call by its name.

“Oh, so you didn’t…?” he asks disappointed. “Then he didn’t lie to us…”

“Mike, would you try to speak coherently?”

“Sure, sorry. So Jeff joined us at the bar after your date and the main character was a girl who was raised by foster parents and she didn’t know anything about her biological family.”

“What?” I stare at him. Oh no, I should have known, he’s drunk.

“And she fell in love with her rich boss who owned an ostrich farm and collected bowling shoes.” Mike goes on and his eyes pop staring at something behind me, which makes me turn around. I notice Dave fidgeting with his drum kit and realize Mike shifted topic so that he can’t overhear us.

“Aaand… was her boss handsome?” I make an insecure attempt to play along with him.

“I don’t know; too much hair gel for my taste but…” he shrugs. “So the guy invited her to his ranch and we discussed your date and Jeff misunderstood everything, your hair, the lenses, everything…”

I guess from his next switch that we’re alone again.

“How do you mean he misunderstood my hair? How can one misunderstood hair at all?”

“He thought you had dolled up for the occasion but Stone tried to convince him that it was only the razor.” Razor??? What if I was right and he’s drunk? Or even high? Or is someone behind my back again? Or did Stone notice with his impossibly green X-ray eyes that I haven’t shaved my legs since I arrived to Cleveland?

“Yeah and after having had sex with him, the girl received an anonymous letter which claimed she and her boss were biological siblings.”

“Oh no! And then? What happened after she had read the letter?” I pretend astonishment and follow Smitty and Karrie with my eyes who carefully lift the soundboard and place it onto the amp to push them out to the van.

“She ran away from the ranch and got hit by a truck. She woke up in the hospital but due to her amnesia no one could identify her. Things got more complicated when the hospital was attacked by zombie apes and they dragged her to their space ship and…”

“Mike, you shouldn’t harass Miss Judy with your pervert movies. Judy, he made me watch that one too, you don’t want to know what comes next, trust me.” Smitty shakes his head and disappears with the gear in the hallway.

“So that was that weird chainsaw sound I heard through the wall last night… Mike, you should see a sex therapist, I’m serious.” Karrie steps back for a second before leaving with Smitty.

“Now I’m really interested in the ending, please go on, Mike.” I grin at the blushing guitarist.

“And Stone also found out about your trick. And now Jeff knows about it as well.” he retorts challenging.

“What are you talking about? I can’t pull out rabbits from a hat or coins from behind anyone’s ears.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” he points at me with an accusing look.

“No, I don’t, could you be more specific?”

“The trick you used to prevent Jeff got pregnant and couldn’t find out if the father was ostrich farm guy or one of the zombie apes. The guy was convinced it was him but the wedding ceremony got interrupted and…”

“Excuse me, Mike but have you just said that Jeff got pregnant from an ostrich farm owner? Or zombie apes? Ugh, I thought Montanans fucked cows but this… this is…”

The steps that made Mike tell on the plotline of the chainsaw porn belonged to Stone who unfortunately must have heard a few words from our actual topic.

“Actually, we wanted to keep it in secret, since you had that little quarrel at the restaurant. You know, pregnant... men have to be protected from any sources of stress. And in the meantime you turned out to be the father but don’t worry, Stone, you’ll be a great dad, anyway. And if you won’t find the front of the child just check it in the manual.” I flash my sweetest smile at him.

“Ugh… I imagined the baby of them, it would be no wonder if no one knew which is their back and their front… Jesus, I need to go to the restroom.” Mike frowns leaving us alone, although I guess the reason of his escape is the six pack beer box that was left unsupervised in the backstage.

“Uhm… Stone… do you have a second?”

To his nodding I start talking.

“Look, I…”

“Time out.” he mumbles rummaging in his guitar case.

“Idiot.” I click with my tong and stomp angrily; even despite my eyeroll I spot a weird twitch in the corner of his mouth which I can’t decode. Who cares, I decided to be a lady this time and I’m not going to let him rile me up. “I… I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that you didn’t mention our conversation to Jeff… or anyone… I guess…” I keep my eyes on the mic cables that I’m trying to untangle in the meantime, with not much success, though.

“Why?” he asks back briefly.

“How do you mean “why”?” I perk my head up.

“Why do you appreciate it? Were you afraid of me doing it?”

I mutter something indistinct since I don’t feel like answering yes but I don’t want to deny it either as who knows what his reaction would be…

“So basically you’re thanking me for not telling to Jeff that you find him amusing, kind and funny? You’re weird, I don’t think he would feel insulted hearing that.”

“No… I don’t… I’m not…” I gibber. And here we are. I hate that he’s able to confuse me with one single word and I hate that he doesn’t let me tell what I mapped out and…

“Are you not thanking me or don’t you find him amusing, kind and funny?” he stares me with that irritating poker face, I wish could punch him… but no. I’m going to stay cool. I don’t let him influence my behavior. I’m the more mature so I can’t lose my temper.

“It doesn’t matter what I said or did. I just wanted to thank you for your discretion.” I try to get out of the situation without giving a straightforward answer.

“Do you think that I shut my mouth to save your ass?” he folds his arms smirking. “Cute theory, truly. But it’s not about you. It’s about Jeff. I didn’t want to embarrass him since…”

“Embarrass him??? I’ve heard you calling him a caveman, a yeti, a Montanan cow-fucker… and you don’t want to embarrass him???” I burst out in an exaggerated laughter.

“At least, I don’t play with his feelings.”

“That’s for sure. You humiliate him in pretty obvious and clear ways. But I don’t like veiled references, let’s be honest. Do you think I fool him?”

“I haven’t even mentioned your name, you’re smarter than I thought.”

The fuckin’ smirk won’t appear from his face. Okay, please, let someone took this cable away from me before I strangle him with it.

“I don’t know what you have to do with my private life but...”

“Nothing, luckily. But our bassist has, however much unprofessional it is to run after a colleague…”

“Speaking of professionalism, you have to play in one of the most important TV shows of this country in less than twenty-four hours and instead of preparing for the big event you’re spending your time with prying into other people’s life.”

“I’ve played Alive and Porch so many times that could do it only using my toes so…”

“EW!!!”

“…so it doesn’t require much preparation. Look, I’m not saying that you’re fooling him intentionally. Or even consciously. I’m only trying to point out that it’s pretty obvious that you don’t have the faintest idea how to handle his affection.” he shrugs.

“But I have a pretty clear idea of not discussing this with you.”

That damn cable has tangled into a huge knot in the meantime and my nervous tugging doesn’t help much with untying it. He takes it out of my hands and starts loosening it with slow, steady moves.

“You don’t have to. But you’d better find out what’s next before things get more complicated.” he reaches his palm with the knot-free cable on it out in front of me.

“Otherwise?” I ask with hands on my hips refusing to take it.

“Otherwise things do get complicated.” he remarks nonchalantly and ties it again into the most complex knot I’ve ever seen. I should answer something witty but I’m just mouthing like a damn fish as he slowly reaches for my arm and pulls it from my hip to put the cable into my hand. I have no idea for how long we’ve been staring at each other when he finally clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair flipping it back. I only start blinking when he grabs his guitar case and leaves the stage. When I hear the nasal voice echoing, I’m still standing motionless on the stage.

“And by the way, nothing’s wrong with my toes.”

***

I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to throw up. I should have already got used to public performances but I feel awful. The whole country is going to watch us and if it wouldn’t be enough, my mom called the whole family, uncles, aunts, cousins, their wives and husbands (including the former ones) and reminded them to turn on the TV at 11 p.m. My symptoms are worse than ever, I really need something to calm down… I should check our dressing room, maybe I find some booze there…

“Hey Mike… are you okay?” Jude approaches me with her tiny, quick steps.

“Yes, I’m okay… I’m almost okay…” I keep marching in circles in the backstage room of Studio 8H.

“You shouldn’t be that nervous, it’s not your first TV performance.”

“You don’t understand… I’ll screw up everything, I can feel it in my guts.” And I mean it literally.

“Haha, why would you? You’ll be great, I’m sure as hell.”

“Because. Before the unplugged show we realized our rented instruments weren’t suitable to anything we wanted to do and Ed fell off the chair during the set… my solos were barely audible…”

And it’s being aired in a few weeks so the whole country will know about the fiasco…

“You shouldn’t be that strict with yourself. But you know what? I know someone who is objective and can smell bad gigs from miles. A real expert.” she smiles cryptically. “We’re going to call Effie tomorrow. She’s going to watch the show, she even wants to record it.”

“Watch? Record??? No!” I squeak in despair. Suddenly, making myself ridiculous in front of my family and the whole American nation sounds pretty marginal in comparison to the fact that the person whom I’ve never met but to whom want to listen until the universe collapses is about to watch me making silly faces and stumble on my own foot.

“Jesus, why?” she sighs with growing annoyance.

“Because… because… she’s a young girl and… young girls should go to bed by 11 p. m.?”

My argumentation doesn’t sound very convincing and Jude looks at me as if I was completely losing my mind, which is pretty close to how I feel right now, actually…

“Okay Mike, now we’re going to look for your dressing room and I help you with a few relaxation exercises I learnt at Juilliard. They helped me overcome the terrible stage fright I used to feel before concerts so trust me…” she wraps one arm around my shoulder and gently but firmly directs me towards the hallway.

“I think Stone has already found our room.” I nod towards our rhythm guitarist who’s standing in front of a door staring it persistently.

“I know you’re convinced you can use the force but what if you tried the door handle?” she remarks in a mocking voice.

“There’s no try.” I help her out with the matching accent.

“Unlike you, the staff seems to be serious with this Star Wars thing.” Stone points with his thumb at a sheet taped on the door. After decoding the sloppy handwriting, I read the following names on it:

EDDIE VADER

JEFF AMEN

MIKE MCREADY

STEVE GOSSARD

DAVE ABRUZESE

       ABBRUZESE

     ABBRUZZESE

“Excellent.” Stone mumbles.

“I think they expected your porn star alter egos.” Judy shrugs casually.

“Our what?” I glance at her furrowing my eyebrows.

“You know, porn actors and actresses all use stage names, borrowing those of celebrities. Of course they always change the spelling to avoid legal problems.” she picks the sheet at the typos in our names.

“And what kind of porn actor would call himself Eddie Vader?” I ask in disbelief.

“Maybe he’s the protagonist of a kinky, incestuous story flavored with father issues. And Jeff Amen…”

“…is the naughty parish priest of a sleepy, small town somewhere in Montana.” Judy finishes Stone’s sentence. “Whereas Mike McReady…”

“…bangs everything that moves and comes in like five seconds?” Stone chuckles and although Jude tries to keep a straight face, to my biggest surprise, I spot a mischievous sparkle in her eyes that sends a completely different message towards him. They team up and joke at someone else’s expense? That’s new to me.

“You…” I point alternatively at Judy and Stone, who are still staring at each other with the same half smile on their face “…you’re supposed to be enemies, okay?” They finally notice I’m talking to them and interestingly, they both rearrange their facial muscles into a nonchalant expression in a fragment of a second. “Anyway, what about Steve Gossard?”

“It’s pretty obvious. The crew of SNL wanted him to feel like a normal person, at least for one day.” Judy explains. “Of course they didn’t know that a proper name was barely enough but they gave it a try.” she adds fixing her glasses and avoiding Stone’s glance.

“You can joke with my name but it’s undeniable that my name is the coolest porn star name in the world. Get it, Stone, hard like a stone, the connection is undeniable.” he slaps back putting on his disarming smirk and does indistinct moves with his hands to underline his theory.

“No sane porn actor would use your name but you know what, if you feel better of that thought…” Judy shoots one more arrow saturated with sarcasm after Stone who started pacing towards the studio room in the meantime.

“I don’t have time for this right now. If anybody looked for me, I’m gone to find Sharon Stone. Who borrowed her name from you know whom…” he answers with a high-minded wave, not even looking back at her.

“Who exactly needs to relax?” I squint at her. Am I hallucinating or are her nostrils really fuming? She looks like a dragon that’s ready to burn down a whole metropolis.

“I’m relaxed, Mike.” she utters slowly. “I’ve never been more relaxed.”

We spend like half an hour in the dressing room before the rehearsal. Although Judy’s exercises are efficient, I still find this whole process more stressful than a simple sound check. There are cameras and fussy crew members everywhere, we’re even asked to do everything the same way as we will do it in the live show. Like it was possible to ask Ed bouncing both times in the same way or Stone bouncing during the sound check at all, which he never does anyway... It’s just ridiculous. The glass-wearing, stage manager called Joe has even to act like the host of the show announcing us and then clapping exactly for five seconds playing the audience… like we were in some fuckin’ theater.

After having played “Alive” and “Porch” umpteen times, the director shows up to discuss the details of the gag in which they want us to participate.

“So according to our conception, the scene begins with Sharon Stone sitting cross-legged in a chair, wearing her famous dress from Basic Instinct. He announces you and after a cut, the camera shows you staring at her with dropped jaws for a few second. Can you do it?” he shares the plot. He seems to be impatient, probably because of the tight schedule.

“What a great idea. Of course we can, we do that all the time, right, guys?” Ed mumbles in a colorless voice. He’s right, it sounds like a pretty schematic, cheap, sexist joke, which doesn’t really fit our style but luckily, we’re open about our principles enough not to compromise ourselves by doing it.

“But where’s Sharon Stone? We need her to the scene.” Stone insists; he’s the most enthusiastic from the band for obvious reasons.

“As I’ve said, there will be a cut in the scene, which means we don’t need her to be able to shoot your part. Ms. Stone hasn’t arrived yet, anyway.” the director tries to keep his temper but Stone isn’t really cooperative in this process.

“But I’m not an actor, I can’t pretend I’m watching Sharon Stone if I’m not. I’m afraid I can’t do it without her.” he shrugs flashing his most irritating lopsided grin.

“I’ll see what I can do. But you need to wear the same clothes as in the live show, so please, go and change…” the director decides to quit the conversation. I can understand him.

We gather again in the same room about ten minutes later.

“Where is Sharon Stone?” Stone repeats the million-dollar question like a broken record player.

“I am Sharon Stone.” I turn in the direction of the familiar male voice and I notice Joe, the grinning stage manager waving towards us. “At least for the next ten minutes. I can even sit in that chair like her if that helps you. But I’m not willing to put on that dress, I like this sweater better.” he remarks addressing his words to Stone.

“No… uhm…I don’t think it’d be necessary… I learnt how to use my imagination in the last ten minutes…” he mutters.

The makes a few takes of our dumbest stares but we’re not told which one is the winner. Not that I’m interested in any of them.

“Hey, stunned guy, you were awesome.” Jude nudges me while I’m heading back to the dressing room, which makes me start.

“Huh, what?”

“Your stunned face. I saw your acting performance in the control room, I think it was sweet.”

“Oh. Thanks.” I flush. Maybe I should practice how to look stunned… maybe she’s not the only Camden girl who thinks I’m sweet… Cool down, Cready, what if she’s a hideous, toothless frog?

“Hey, and what about me?” Jeff catches up to us, provoking Judy to compliment him too.

“Your face can’t even be seen of that fur hat… I could cut a few holes into it for your eyes, nose and mouth, if you want to.” she teases him, which he answers by sticking out his tongue at her.

“That’d be problematic. His brain has already grown to the hat, if you tried to cut into it, you would basically execute a lobotomy on him.” Stone maneuvers between them, to Jeff’s utmost delight.

“It’s like you and your scrunchie, right? It blocks your skull so that your cerebrum doesn’t fall out of your head and roll away during your head bobbing.” she imitates Stone’s typical, pigeon-like neck moves. After a quick half turn, Stone rambles on walking backwards.

“Why don’t we discuss your potato bag dress too… sorry!” he adds mechanically not even glancing at the tall, blonde woman into whom he’s just bumped. She looks familiar but I can’t recall if I have met her and if I have, where...

“Ha, Stone Gossard is trying to give me fashion advice, I like that…”

“Yes, maybe you should set your own house in order at first…” Jeff retorts too.

“…says the guy who sleeps wearing a hat.” Stone keeps torturing our bassist.

“How could he take it off? His brain…” Judy points at Jeff’s forehead.

“Don’t make me turn this car around...” Jeff grunts.

“But where’s Sharon Stone?”

***

I loathe restrooms of public places so much. Small, tight compartments, like this one. Even the lock is broken so I have to hold on to the door handle while I’m balancing over the toilet bowl of questionable tidiness. At least, I don’t have any company; I hate sharing my most intimate body functions and enjoying those of the others at the same time. Awkward sounds and unpleasant smells… I know it’s a natural thing but still… I’m almost ready when I hear the door squeaking and heels tapping on the tiled ground. Unfortunately the owner of the legs picks the compartment next to me… great, one can’t even finish her internal monologue without being bothered. Maybe if I don’t move and breathe, I can stay unnoticed.

“Damn.” I hear my neighbor cursing. “Hey… there’s someone over there, isn’t it?” I hear the voice again from the level of my ankles. Of course, she peaked around under the wall, next time I should crouch down on the top of the toilet. “There’s no toilet paper in this one, could you give me a few sheets? Just put them into my hand, I think I can manage to reach for them at the bottom…

“Sure…” I groan. And now? Should I ask her whether she wants to pee or…? I make a quick calculation and tear off and hand her the estimated needs of an adult woman with healthy digestive system. I can get a glance at hear shoes in the meantime, one could commit a suicide by jumping off them. I decide to sneak out while she’s doing her job (whatever it is) to avoid the usual embarrassing encounter. I’m already washing my hands when the entrance door opens and it is Beth who slams it behind herself with a victorious smile.

“Ha! There you are.”

“So now you’re even following me to the restroom too?” I ask sarcastically.

“It was you who forced me to do it. And neither of us will leave until you finally tell me what happened last night.” she leans her back to the door folding her arms.

“Nothing particular, I don’t know why…”

I forget to finish the sentence since the door of the occupied compartment gets suddenly kicked out and a blonde, tall, beautiful woman basically falls out in front of the sinks.

“Shit, it got stuck, I was already thinking I would die here… Gosh, I hate this dress so much, I’m going to set it on fire in the second my contract’s running out, I swear.” she fixes the tight mini dress she’s wearing. Let’s wait for a second… Is she? Oh my… She is.

“Judy, nothing and nobody can distract me this time, not even Sharon Stone.” Beth stares me with her coldest look.

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you, just finish the girl talk.” she remarks cleaning and drying her hands.

“So, are you willing to tell me what happened or should I pull everything word by word out of you?”

“Can I choose the word by word version?” my lips pull into an embarrassed smile but Beth’s reaction is crazier than expected. She turns the key in the lock and walks slowly to the toilet bowl in the closest compartment.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be more cooperative?” she flashes a somewhat terrifying grin and swings the key over the toilet.

“You can’t do it, you can’t take us hostage… you can’t take Sharon Stone hostage here. She needs to go back to the set.” I try to make her come around.

“Actually, I don’t feel like going back so I’d stay… if you don’t mind, of course.” the captured sex symbol ruins my argumentation.

“Great. A real girl party.” Beth confirms with a plastic smile. “So, what happened yesterday evening?”

“Yeah, what happened yesterday?” Sharon repeats the question curiously. “Do you mind if I…?” she pulls a cigarette and a lighter out of her tights and since we both shake our head, she lights up.

“She had a date with Jeff.” Beth explains with a meaningful look. “With Jeff Ament.” she adds realizing the name didn’t ring a bell with her. “With Jeff Ament from Pearl Jam.” she narrows it down seeing the still clueless face of our chat partner. “And now it’s time to share the details.” she turns back demanding to me.

“Okay…” I sigh and give them a quick review about the date, trying to stay as objective as possible, avoiding any forms of judgment and not leaving any occasion for speculations.

“And at the end, you chickened out and used the trick.”

“Seriously, Beth, what trick? Mike told me the same and…”

“So you’ve already discussed it with Mike!” she shouts outraged. “Anyway, I’m talking about the herpes trick, of course.”

“What???”

“Pretending to have herpes to avoid being kissed.” Sharon enlightens me making me feel week-minded.

“Who… who would do something like that?” I try to sound innocent.

“Oh, come on, sweetie. The herpes trick is older than herpes itself. It’s a part of the female toolkit.” she goes on taking a deep drag.

“Judy, there’s nothing wrong in acknowledging you got confused and made a desperate decision.” Beth mellows out. “You can talk to me about your insecurities, it’s not a shame. I was too pushy and I’m sorry for that but I really think he’s a great guy and deserves a chance.”

“I know, I just… I’ve known him for... how long? Two weeks? I barely know him! And the thought of him having known me for the same time and wanting to know me better… maybe not only as a friend… it freaks me out. I’m not saying I’m not interested in him at all, it’s just… too fast!” I blurt out finally.

“Okay. You know what? If you’re not sure about your feelings… or expectations… let’s make a checklist! I mean… you start listing the characteristics you like and want to find in a guy and I tell you if Jeff has them. I’ve known him for more than two weeks…”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ve started being interested in that Jeff guy too.” Sharon hops on the sink with a bright smile.

“Jesus… guys are not like shopping lists… but okay, whatever!” I throw my arms in the air. “First of all… he must be reliable. I don’t like good-for-nothings.”

“Checked.” Beth nods satisfied.

“And… he must have a good sense of humor. If he can’t make you laugh or if he makes you explain your jokes, run!”

“Needless to say, but checked!” she confirms enthusiastically.

“The guy I’m looking for is… intelligent…”

“…checked…”

“…smart…”

“…checked…”

“…creative…”

“…checked…”

“…some talent doesn’t hurt either…”

“…some talent checked…” I can’t not notice that her voice gets more and more bored at every answer.

“He must be amusing and kind and funny as well. And interesting and gentle too.” I jabber in one breath.

“Checked, checked, checked, checked, checked… Come on, Judy, how long do you want to go on with this to believe he’s ideal for you?” she huffs impatiently.

“There’s one more thing.” I cut her off. “He… he must be attractive. Physically.” I feel my face reddening as I add the last word.”

“Checked.” she replies without hesitation. “Checked?” she repeats it with a questioning face and due to her reaction, I realize I’m scowling.

“I… I don’t know… I mean… he’s definitely not unattractive… but I’ve never felt that “let’s jump into bed immediately” vibe when being with him…” I try to express my feelings although the only thing I want to do is to mumble something indistinct and escape from this fuckin’ piss-smelling room.

“Now here’s the point!” Sharon exclaims and points at me holding her cigarette between her index and middle finger. “You don’t feel the buzz! Forget him.” she adds in a serious voice.

“The fact you don’t want to take him to bed immediately only means you’re not a slut. If a guy’s personality is likable, you can suddenly realize you’re attracted to him physically too. You should just spend some time with him without any pressure and let things happen.” Beth talks her over ignoring the advice.

“Bullshit! It’s not about having sex on the first date but there must be a spark… even if you don’t notice it immediately. Passion won’t grow out of nothing, trust me. Yes, passion, that’s the key. It isn’t worth a pile of shit if there isn’t any passion between you.” she flails intensely with the cigarette.

“Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know any of you two.” Beth keeps persuading me and honestly, I don’t know whom I should believe.

“By the way, which one of the guys is Jeff? Is he the lanky one?” Sharon inquires while she’s stubbing the cigarette on the sink and then drops it into the trash bin.

“The tall, athletic one.” Beth helps her out. “The one with the hat.” she rolls her eyes seeing the uncomprehending expression of her.

“Oh. I thought he was the lanky one, with the ponytail.” she mutters disappointed.

“Ugh, Stone?” I groan in disgust.

“Yes, the one that almost hit me in the hallway. I heard you teasing each other, I thought something was going on between you. It looked definitely passion-like.”

“Wait, was that you?” I giggle.

“Yup. Wearing a leather jacket, denim pants and no makeup.”

“I have to tell this to Stone, he’ll freak out. He really appreciates your… ahem… talent… very much. Obviously not much enough to recognize you in “civil” clothes. Anyway, nothing is going on between us, let alone passion. Apart from the fact that we hate each other passionately.”

“Interesting, I could have sworn… But hate is a good start. Better than nothing. Have you ever tried hate sex?” she asks out of the blue.

“Excuse me, what?” I cackle.

“Of course, you haven’t. But you should. It’s hot.” she leans closer confidentially. “It makes things extremely complicated most of the times, but it’s hot. Anyway, what time is it? However much I’ve got fed up with drooling crew members, I should go back, they want to pre-record a few scenes…”

“Shit, it’s late you’re right. Beth, would you…?”

She fishes the key out of her pocket and unlocks the door unwillingly shaking her head.

“I hope you don’t let yourself be influenced by this… this… actress…” she whispers to me while we’re walking back to the studio room following the person in question.

“You mean by having sex with Stone?” I joke but Beth doesn’t seem to appreciate my humor so I go on sincerely. “Why would I? I’ve known her for like ten minutes. And I consider your advice but… you know it’s not as easy as you think, Jeff doesn’t stay away from me for a minute, the “without any pressure” factor depends on him too…”

“I see what I can do, don’t worry.” she smiles mysteriously in front of herself.

“Don’t you dare talk to him, do you want to ruin my life?” I scream-whisper since we’ve arrived to the waiting room in the meantime. The guys are talking standing in a circle apart from Stone who’s fixing his half ponytail with undivided attention in front of the mirror. What a narcissistic asshole.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be the prettiest poodle at the dog exhibition.” I remark casually as I pass him by.

“Do you prefer stray dogs?” he shouts after me in his irritating teenage guy voice. “Anyway, where is Sharon Stone?”

“I’m here and I’m ready for the action.” she answers in the steamiest tone I’ve ever heard and walks along the room with hypnotic hip moves.

“Stone, are you ready too?” I ask grinning ear to ear at my blushing enemy but I can’t enjoy his embarrassment for long since someone leans over my shoulder and sings two words into my ear.

“Hate sex…”

[dissident-vedder]

- dissident-vedder masterlist!

 disclaimer: all of these are purely fiction and of my own creation. this blog is a mostly pearl jam fan blog, so there will be very little other characters in this outside of the group.

 please do not repost my work, i spend a lot of time on them.

if any of them seem ooc, i am sorry, i don’t know them personally.

i am not going to do any of the drummers of the band, i am very sorry!

if you want to be tagged in any future imagines, please message me!

( eddie vedder! )

( series! )

pessimist! | optimist! | sanguine! 

once upon a december! | once upon a december ii! 

fame!

( oneshots / blurbs / etc! )

moral of the story!

wine & rooftops!

( headcanons! )

n/a!

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almost!  | hiraeth! 

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( mike mccready! )

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american daydream!

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( stone gossard! )

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towards the sun! 

the christmas miracle!

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in a week!

like real people do!

breaking the girl!

( headcanons! )

n/a!

( tags! )

i | ii | iii | iv | v | vi | vii | viii

[burltonsing82-blog]

How Yield Signaled the Evolution of Pearl Jam into Rock and Roll Lifers

Studies in human development depict a person's life as a series of crises to be negotiated and, for lack of a better word, mastered before moving on to the next challenge. Experts argue that if someone fails to come to terms with a particular phase in a healthy and productive manner, they run the risk of developmental paralysis and missing out on the stages that come afterward. For some reason, this information from a bygone professorial career crept into my mind while I listened to Pearl Jam's Yield over and over again this past week as it turns two decades old. I wondered, do similar hurdles exist for rock bands? Because Yield always felt like a daunting hurdle cleared to me - a clear division between who Pearl Jam are now and who they once were.

Several of the acts Consequence of Sound celebrates seem to have made that leap from adolescence to young adulthood and later to middle age. Productivity may slacken, breakup rumors may periodically surface, and hiatuses of multiple years may come and go, but bands like Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, Radiohead, and even studio feet-dragging outfits like Tool seem destined to carry on well into old age. The late Erik Erikson, a pioneer in human development, may have posited that the stability demonstrated by these bands stems from them being comfortable with themselves, secure in their relationships, and content with their standing in the music world. Hence, when it's time to plug in again, the band members are in a healthy space to create, contribute, and collaborate rather than backslide into the behaviors that cause an inordinate number of bands to whither long before their time.

None of this is meant to make an academic study of the longevity of rock bands, but it's perhaps worth considering that the difference between a band burning brightly or burning out prematurely could be this idea of discovering a new type of maturity in the midst of crisis. And considering all the mounting tensions that consumed Pearl Jam prior to recording Yield, it makes the record seem like a clear-cut resolution of the destructive behaviors and problems that had plagued the group and threatened to cut their career short. The album feels not like a coming of age but, for this band, a coming of middle age and the first leg of the rest of their run together as a veteran act.

Pearl Jam might be the most dependable, well-oiled American touring band around in 2018, but that's light years from the tumult of the group's earliest days, which included, among other trials, rising from the ashes of a fallen friend and bandmate. Less than three years after Stone Gossard and Jeff Ament had buried both Andrew Wood and their rock star dreams as Mother Love Bone, the two found themselves at the unpredictable epicenter of the grunge explosion as members of Temple of the Dog, the fictional band Citizen Dick in Cameron Crowe's Seattle-promoting Singles, and the multiplatinum-selling grunge band Pearl Jam. The fame rushed in even quicker than units could ship out, but with notoriety also came cries of “sellouts,” castigation over the graphic “Jeremy” music video, and barbs flung at the band by no less than Kurt Cobain - comments the Nirvana frontman later rescinded.

By the time Vs. and Vitalogy had run amok all over the top of the charts a couple years later, the band had already taken personal steps to sidestep some of the media's glaring spotlight. They stopped giving interviews, cut down on their television appearances, opted out of releasing singles, and refused to belittle their songs by making music videos. More infamously, they declared war on Ticketmaster after finding out that the ticketing behemoth had been sticking it to fans with secret service charges on tickets to Pearl Jam concerts, even ones organized as “benefits.” The ongoing five-year battle saw Gossard and Ament testifying before congress and the band attempting to tour from scratch without the backing of the world's biggest ticket broker or its spiderweb network of venues.

1996's No Code can be viewed in several different lights. For fans, it remains an inexplicable outlier in Pearl Jam's catalog, even though many have warmed to its eclectic charms over the years. For Pearl Jam, as a band, it could constitute hitting rock bottom. Musically, it finds them, as on Vitalogy, pushing as far away from their anthemic roots as possible – as far away from themselves as possible, which makes sense. The gauntlet of grassroots touring sans Ticketmaster had taken its toll on the entire outfit, and Eddie Vedder, heretofore given complete creative control of the band's direction, had burned out on going it alone. So strained was the recording process that co-founding member Jeff Ament didn't find out Pearl Jam was even recording a new album until three days into the sessions. By all accounts, drummer Jack Irons can be credited with nursing the band through the sessions intact and even reportedly got the bandmates to begin sorting through their contentions by the end of recording. “No Code was all about gaining perspective,” Vedder would later explain, a theme easily identified in several of the album's contemplative, inward-looking songs, like “Off He Goes” and “In My Tree”.

I'd argue that just casually inspecting the packaging of Yield tells you so much about the band's maturity and state of mind. Instead of the chaotic, eye-diverting mosaic of 156 bizarre Polaroids that constitutes the album art for No Code - not to mention the collect-the-whole-album loose replica photos that came with each copy - Yield features a yield sign presiding over an open expanse of rolling Montana highway, sandwiched between two black bars, one above and the other beneath, as in a widescreen projection. Flipping open the front cover reveals a cut-out and that the yield sign actual resides in a sky-blue sea with no bounds. The cool, crisp, and pacifying artwork meant something slightly different to each member. Ament sees it as representing open possibilities, Vedder as a reminder of that aforementioned perspective, and Mike McCready as as sign of maturity and the band having become more comfortable in their own skin.

It's not surprising then that Yield sounds as it does: unabashedly like Pearl Jam, only a bit older and wiser. In many respects, it was the first Pearl Jam album not made in reaction to previous recordings. It feels at peace with itself, comfortable enough to open up and soar like the band hadn't in years on anthemic singles “Given to Fly” and “In Hiding” one moment and to mumble through a cataloging of Vedder's desires the next on “Wishlist”. The album, while eclectic, somehow manages to find a through line between songs as emotionally varied as the paranoid agitation of “Brain of J.”, the tranquility of “Low Light”, and the resolute abandonment of “MFC”. With Vedder ceding some creative control and asking bandmates to bring in more developed songs for him to polish, Yield marks the beginning of Pearl Jam as a more collaborative studio outfit –more a songwriting brotherhood now than Vedder and four flies on the studio wall.

As important as Yield and its songs are to Pearl Jam's narrative, the record also found them in a place where they were comfortable enough to begin making decisions based on what was best for the band and their fans rather than on broad, sweeping principles that had often crippled or put undue strain on them in the past. For instance, the band that had famously refrained from reducing their songs to music videos opted to partner with Spawn creator Todd McFarlane on an animated video for “Do the Evolution”, a power-drunk take on technology that perfectly matched McFarlane's dark, skeptical depictions of the world. Even more critically, Pearl Jam finally ended its one-band crusade against Ticketmaster, which allowed them to tour full-scale again and return to venues and towns they hadn't visited in years. Their 1998 North American tour behind Yield alone can boast an incredible live record (Live on Two Legs), bringing former Soundgarden drummer Matt Cameron on board full time, and truly planting the seed for what would germinate into the most reliable, dedicated, and rewarding veteran touring act working today.

If the maturing that Pearl Jam underwent as a band between the end of the No Code sessions and the touring of Yield can be viewed as the band equivalent of a person transitioning from adolescence to young adulthood, then the group have long since entered middle age. It's a time in life when people - in this case, a band - traditionally turn outward to care for others and view the world with empathy and concern. In that respect, look no further than the band's upcoming hometown shows this August in Seattle. They've pledged to donate at least a million dollars from those concerts to help the local homeless, with the goal of raising several more million through community partnerships. Picture it: Pearl Jam's first hometown shows in five years; 100,000 people in attendance, the most for a show in Seattle since the Stones back in 1981; a guaranteed marathon set from one of the best live bands going; and a chance to funnel millions of dollars towards helping the most needy among us - the real forgotten Americans.

Now, that's a future worth growing into.

[chloejustlikeme]

who want badly written jeff x stone fan fictions

[eddie-vedder-luv]

Tangible Existence CHAPTER THIRTY!

CHAAAAAPTER THIRTY

Stone and Jeff went upstairs to check on Livvie because they hadn’t heard a peep from her in a while.

“Livvie babe, we finished up the last room, are you hungry?” Stone asked turning the corner and goes into the room she was in, when the walked in they saw Livvie there curled up in a ball on the floor fast asleep.

“Shoot she fell asleep….go make sure the couch is cleared off and I will carry her downstairs.” Jeff said to Stone quietly trying not to wake her up. Stone nodded and made his way downstairs to the living room.

Jeff kneeled down on the floor next to her for a moment and he moved her hair from her face looking down at her sleeping peacefully. He leaned over and he kissed her forehead before picking her up in his arms like a baby, Livvie still half asleep wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Stoney….” She said quietly thinking Stone was the one holding her.

“It’s me little one…it’s Jeff.” He said sweetly and her eyes fluttered open quickly.

“Ames…oh my god I am so sorry…I thought…you were…oh my god I just kissed you….” She said looking a little embarrassed.  Eddie had been walking back by the room and he overheard Livvie say that she kissed Jeff. He stopped for a moment.

“It’s alright…you were sleeping …no worries my little one. Shh it’s okay. ” He said with a smile.

“Um…Ames…can you put me down?.” She laughed a bit still nervous about the situation, he did as she asked and she looked up at him for a moment and left the room quickly going downstairs to find Stone.

“FUCK!” Jeff said out loud to himself.

“Everything okay man?” Eddie asked him acting like he just got upstairs, Jeff turned quickly around and looked at Eddie faking a smile.

“Yea I’m good,…everything is fine.” Jeff walked passed Eddie and went downstairs. Eddie followed shortly behind him.  

When he got downstairs Livvie was curled up on Stones lap with his arm draped around her. She had her face buried in his chest.

LIVVIES POV

I couldn’t believe what just happened, what was going on with Jeff? Why was he acting so strange lately I hope everything is alright. It was my fault just now that I had kissed him but I swear I thought I was in Stone’s arms not Jeff’s. I ran as quickly as I could downstairs freaking out about the situation not knowing if I should tell Stone or not. He looked at me with a smile, I just crawled onto his lap and wrapped his arm around me and I snuggled up close to him hiding my face hoping that when Jeff came downstairs he wouldn’t say anything to me.

“You alright babe?” Stone asked me quietly. I just nodded my head yes for a moment.

“Fine Stoney,..just hold me please.” I whispered back. I felt him smoothing his hand up and down my arm, I tangled my hand in his hair and laid there quietly.

Everyone was talking with each other I knew they all thought I had fallen asleep but I sat there listening to their conversation.

“Thank you everybody for coming over to help me finish up the house.” I heard Sam say when she walked back into the room. Everyone told Sam that they were more than happy to help her out.

“Stone is she okay? She really didn’t look good earlier, but you know how she is.” Sam said laughing a bit mentioning my stubbornness.

“I don’t know if she is or not,…I asked her and she said she was fine but I just think she won’t say anything because she doesn’t want us to freak out. But not to worry we will keep a close eye on her.”

  “I um I think I am going to go for a while, I have some stuff to take care of.” I heard Jeff say he said bye to everyone and then he whispered to Stone to make sure I stayed safe and then he left.

“Man is he okay too, he’s been way off today you should’ve seen him upstairs earlier.” Chris said shaking his head. Eddie blurted out quickly trying to cover Jeff because he was pretty sure he knew what was going on.

“Yea he’s fine man he said he was stressed out about Christmas he can never figure out what to get anyone…typical Jeff right?” Eddie said snickering trying to cover up what he's been observing.

Livvie soon fell asleep on Stone’s lap thinking about everything that just happened, when she awoke everyone was gone except for Stone, Eddie and Sam. Eddie was poking at the fire adding some more wood to it and Sam and Stone were sitting on the floor in front of the TV playing a video game, she was teasing him that she was winning making Eddie and Livvie both snicker. Stone heard Livvie laugh and he turned around quickly.

“Your awake….hello beautiful. Did you sleep well?” He asked pausing the game and he got up and walked over to her. Liv sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Yea sorry for falling asleep, you know you could’ve woke me up and took me home.”

“Nonsense, you needed rest its fine, we have just been here hanging out playing games. I am totally kicking Stones ass! Everyone else left considering tomorrow is Christmas eve and you know how those boys are with their last minute stuff.” Sam looked at her with a smile getting up from the floor and going to sit on the sofa across from her.

“Vedder…Stoney…are you the only two good boys who are done Christmas shopping already?” Liv asked raising a brow looking at them. They both kind of looked away from her, she knew very well that they weren’t done buying gifts either. Her and Sam played it safe and did tons of shopping while the boys were busy working.

“Actually um…Ed and I were going to go out later and finish up some stuff if you girls didn’t mind.” Stone asked.

“Of course we don’t mind go ahead…Liv and I have some stuff that we still need to wrap so go ahead you two get your bums outta here…Liv and I will meet you back at your house.” Sam said happily. Stone looked at Livvie and she nodded her head.

“You sure baby, if your still not feeling good I can stay…” he asked her.

“Stoney it’s fine go ahead, like Sammy said we have things we need to take care of too. Go have fun dealing with the hellish crowds of last minute shoppers.” She teased him, Eddie laughed and him and Stone said goodbye to the girls and went out to finish their Christmas shopping.

“Liv are you sure everything is alright? You can tell me.” Sam asked her with a serious look on her face.

“I guess…well I don’t know. I still feel really tired and have been getting super dizzy spells. It should pass hopefully. And I don’t know what is going on with Ames…hes acting so strange.”

“How so?”

“Well earlier when he came out and checked on me…he…well he called me babe, and when I said something about it he said it just slipped out and it was nothing, but hes done it more than once. “ Liv  said looking kind of confused.

“Maybe it did just slip out I mean Jeff loves you…you two are like the best of friends. He was just showing affection I mean I wouldn’t think anything bad of it…He’s just being Jeff you know.” Sam tried to comfort her and make her not worry about anything.

“Yea I guess your right hes just being lovey Ames.....so …lets get back to the house and finish wrapping stuff up before the boys come home.”

Olivia and Sam went back to the house and started wrapping the plethora of gifts that they had got for all the guys.

Stone and Eddie came back late in the evening, to find both girls passed out on the couch and the living room floor was covered in a mass of ribbon, wrapping paper and bows.

“Wow I guess they were hard at work look at this place.” Eddie said laughing and he started to clean up a little bit.

“You don’t have to do that Ed I can take care of it. Want to go in the kitchen and have a drink or something? We can let them sleep a little while longer.” Stone asked him, Eddie agreed and they went to the kitchen both sitting at the island on some barstools and had a couple beers.

“Are you going to stay at Sam’s again tonight?”

“Probably just stay here, I would hate to have to wake her up.” Eddie said taking a sip of his beer.

“Sounds fine to me man, I think Liv will like having Sam here tomorrow you know tomorrow shes going to be crazy like last year. I have never seen a grown woman so insanely excited for Christmas. She is always bouncing around like a kid whos had too much candy on Christmas Eve, and shes usually the first one awake on Christmas morning too. Typical Livvie.” Stone replied thinking about how excited shes going to be that tomorrow is Christmas eve.

“Her and Sam both, I think we will have our hands full tomorrow man, plus we still have to get all the stuff for Christmas dinner and things. I mean were all supposed to meet here in the evening on Christmas right?” Ed asked him.

“Yea everyone’s comin over, I know we do have to go get groceries and all that crap. But you know Livvie is going to want to do that because she said I always buy the wrong stuff or I forget things. So tomorrow we will take the girls with us to the grocery store…..saves me and you from getting yelled at.” Stone and Ed both laugh knowing Stone’s comment was entirely correct.

“I hope Sam likes what I got her, do you think buying her jewelry was too much too soon man” Ed asked Stone looking worried.

“Nah of course not, women like jewelry. She will love it.”

“Liv had Sam and I a little worried all day today, She told Sam that shes tired of being sick all the time and that she really wasn’t feeling well at all. Has she made another doctors appointment yet?”

“I made one for her she goes in the day after Christmas, I know I have been worried too but you know how she is trying to cover it up she thinks we were born yesterday or something and that we cant see through her charade. We all know when shes not doing good…she so damn stubborn sometimes…okay well all the time but I love her anyway.” Stone laughed and tipped back the rest of the beer he had.

“You are both stubborn.” Eddie jokes with him.

“I suppose your right.”

“Right about what?” The guys heard Livvie say, they turned and saw her standing there half awake rubbing her eyes.

“Oh nothing babe, you alright? We didn’t wake you did we?” Stone asked. She shook her head no and shuffled her way over to where the guys were at, she kissed Eddie on the forehead, and then gave Stone a kiss.

“No you’re not alright or No, we didn’t wake you?” Eddie asked.

“You didn’t wake me, I am doing okay, still a bit nauseous got kind of dizzy when I got up but I’m fine.”

“You really don’t look fine Olivia,..your cheeks are bright red let me see.” Eddie stood up and put his hand to her forehead.

“Feel her Stone…” Eddie took his hand away and Stone did the same. 

“It’s okay just a little warm in the livingroom that’s all.”

“No its not because it’s a warm in the livingroom actually its cool in the house, you have a fever Olivia.”  Eddie replied, moving his long hair from his face.

“I will be right back, sit down babe.” Stone left the room for a moment.

“Vedder I don’t have a fever I am fine.”

“Don’t do that to me,…I know your not fine Olivia now stop it. You may be able to be stubborn like that with Stone or Jeff but I am not going to let you. You’re not fine and I know you haven’t been for a few days now so stop the act, its not funny. Something is wrong.” Eddie said to her putting his hand back onto her face, looking concerned.

“I’m sorry Vedder.”

“Don’t be sorry just stop hiding from me okay, I am here for you…I will always love you…you’re one of my best friends and I will always want what’s best for you. Just let us take care of you okay…please?” He smoothed his thumb across her cheek and he kissed it. She shook her head yes and agreed to stop being her stubborn self.

Stone came back into the kitchen with a thermometer and an arm full of medicine and things.

“Open” He said to her and he stuck the thermometer in her mouth.  Eddie got back up to make her some tea. Stone waited patiently until the thermometer beeped.

“See…you DO have a fever Livvie…it says 102 that’s too high, come on lets go put pajamas on you and then you can come back and have your tea and we will get ya some medicine.”

“I can do it myself…I will be right back. I am raiding your closet for a shirt….” She said aloud as she walked down the hallway.

“Do you have something for her fever, do you want me to go get anything?” Eddie asked  Stone.

“I think we got everything we will need but thank you, and thanks for making her some tea.” Stone said to him

“Eddie…babe?” Sam said walking into the kitchen to join them.

“Hello love, sleep well?” He asked giving her a kiss.

“Yea…Im so sleepy still…where is Liv?”

“Putting on pajama��s,  you can go put something on for bed too,…my closet is full of clothes. Think its best you just sleep here tonight its pretty late.”

“Alright love,..I will be back.”

Sam and Livvie both came back into the kitchen wearing the guys clothes for pajama’s. Livvie had on pajama pants and a huge oversized button up long sleeve shirt that she was sure wouldn’t even fit stone…and Sam was wearing Eddies shorts and a Who t-shirt.

“Here you both go, nice hot tea, and Olivia you take all those pills right there, I don’t want an argument just take them. They will make your fever go away.” Eddie said sternly putting two mugs of hot tea in front of the girls where they sat. She nodded her head and did as she was told this time.

“Stoney?” She said loudly not hearing him or seeing him in the kitchen.

“I am just picking up the livingroom baby…drink your tea please.”  He shouted back from the livingroom.

Livvie pulled up her long hair and rubbed at her temples, closing her eyes getting dizzy again. She sat there quietly  for a few moments trying to calm her nerves and tried to avoid the nausea.

“Liv?” Sam asked putting her hand on Livvies back.

“Yea…Im  so......dizzy”

“You alright?” Livvie shook her head no and opened her eyes slowly looking up at Sam and Eddie, She went to scoot back a little bit on the stool she was siting on and she fell back when the dizziness took hold and went straight down to the kitchen floor.

“Olivia!” Eddie said, Stone ran in quickly and saw her on the floor Eddie kneeled down beside her.

“Baby..Livvie..” Stone said kneeling down beside her as well, her face had gone pale and her eyes were closed.

“Oh my god Eddie do something!! Stone…what do we do?” Sam asked getting scared and nervous not knowing what was going on.

“Get a wet cloth for her head, maybe we need to cool her down.” Eddie said.

“Come on babygirl..wake up..its me its Stoney. Come on Livvie don’t do this to me again,..wake up baby.” He sat on the floor and put her head in his lap and rubbed the side of her face.  Sam gave the cold cloth to Eddie and he put it on her forehead.

“Olivia…can you hear us?” Eddie said softly.  Soon the door from the garage opened and Jeff came in and saw her on the floor. He dropped the bags he was carrying and ran over to where they were at pretty much moving Eddie out of the way.

“What’s wrong? What happened to her Stone?…you’re supposed to keep her safe!” Jeff said getting mad at Stone even though none of it was Stones fault. But of course Jeff’s feelings were coming out again Eddie saw it and was hoping Stone didn’t catch on.

"Calm down Ament..." Eddie said eyeing him. Jeff ignored him and focused all his attention on her laying there on the floor.

“She has a fever and we were going to give her medicine and she was sitting on the stool having some tea and she just fell off after she said she was dizzy.” Sam said getting teary eyed she was scared and wasn’t sure if she should call for an ambulance or not. Jeff took off his hat and he fanned her face with it trying to give her some air.

“Little one, open those beautiful green eyes…come on look at me. Olivia Marie…please..open your eyes.” Jeff shook her shoulder a little bit.

“Yea see Livvie were all here baby..come on wake up.” Stone said softly to her trying his best to keep his composure.

“Dude shes burning up man…” Jeff said feeling her face and her arms.

“Take her shirt off.” Eddie said, Sam looked over at him quickly and so did Stone.

“Oh come off it! Not like that, …just do it! She will cool down..take it off of her.” Eddie said seriously looking at them both.

Jeff looked up at Stone as if to ask him if it was okay, Stone nodded at him still holding her head in his lap. Jeff unbuttoned her shirt  and opened it a little bit still fanning at her with his hat trying to cool her down.

“Liv, my little one..it’s Ames..can you hear me? Get up love.”

“Please baby wake up …wake up..”

“I’m calling an ambulance shes not waking up!!” Sam said going for the phone.

“Call that number on the fridge its one of the doctor’s that said he would be on call 24/7 he can even come by the house if we need him to.” Eddie motioned to Sam the paper that was stuck on the front of the refrigerator.  She went in the other room and called him, and the guys continued to try and wake her up.

Jeff laced his fingers with hers and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

“Livvie…”Stone kept saying quietly. Jeff looked up at Stone when he felt her squeeze his hand.

“Shes squeezing my hand…shes waking up…Little one! Come on wake up .” Ed stood there watching them…eyeing Jeff.

Olivia’s eyes fluttered open slowly.

“Oh thank god,..your awake…baby are you okay?” Stone asked her looking down at her pale face. She didn’t say anything she just layed there looking around for a moment.

“Here sit her up …slowly.  Let me help you Stone.” Jeff kind of nudged Stone and took his place pulling her up so she could lean against him. Stone went to sit in front of her.

“I don’t feel good,…the room is spinning around. Stoney there are,..two of you right now.” She closed her eyes tightly.

“No Olivia don’t close your eyes again, keep em open…look at Stone keep your eyes on Stone.” Eddie said knowing closing her eyes would make her more dizzy.

“The doctor is coming…oh Liv your awake…do you need anything, what can we do?” Sam asked when she came back into the room.

“I don’t know what ….whats going on…?” She asked slurring a little bit.

“You passed out baby, your face went pale again and your burning up!” She looked at Stone with tears in her eyes and up at everyone else they all had looks of worry on their faces. A tear rolled down her cheek when she looked back to Stone sitting in front of her.

“Babe don’t cry please…it’s okay..your okay now were all here.” Stone leaned forward and wiped her tear away.

“It’s not okay. I am so tired of this, I am so tired of being sick when is it going to stop.”

“Shh…stop it little one, your going to make it worse come on calm down. “ Jeff rubbed his hands down her arms, Stone and Jeff helped her up and they helped her back to the couch in the livingroom.  They all sat in there with her and waited for the doctor to arrive.   When he arrived he told them that she still needs to cut down on any stress, and to stop smoking. And that he wanted to make sure she comes in the day after Christmas for more testing.  He told them all to keep a close eye on her, make sure she sleeps enough just like before, and if anything gets worse or she blacks out again they need to take her to the emergency room. They all agreed to followed the doctors orders, once the doctor left everyone went to bed.

They spent Christmas eve  just the five of them getting everything ready for Christmas day, Livvie felt well enough to go shopping with Stone to get all the food  that was to be prepared.   Everyone finished last minute wrapping and got the house ready for the next day.

**

Liv woke up early Christmas morning reaching over to find Stone but the bed was empty.

“Little sucker he beat me, I am usually the first one awake on Christmas morning.” She giggled to herself.  She got up out of bed and took a quick shower putting some comfy pants on and stealing a shirt of Stones, she wrapped herself up in a blanket from the bed and shuffled her way down the hall into the livingroom. She heard talking she wasn’t sure if it was the TV or not, when she turned the corner much to her surprise everyone was there sitting in the livingroom. Eddie, Sam, Jeff, Mike, Dave, Chris, Matt, Kim,  his girlfriend Sarah,…Ben and of course Stone.

“Wow, um..whats going on here? I thought we weren’t getting together until later this evening?” She asked out of curiosity raising an eyebrow.

“We were kind of wondering the same thing.” Ed chuckled a bit.

“What?... Stoney?” She looked to him and he smiled, he walked over to her grabbing her hand and he took her to the middle of the living room by the Christmas tree and sat her down on a chair he had put there.  Jeff sat there with a grin getting excited for he knew what was about to happen. He set up the video camera on the mantle to record this for Stone.

“Well first of all,… Merry Christmas everyone, it is so great to have all my friends here and that we all can celebrate this holiday together.  Second of all,… I invited all of you here because well, I knew I wanted to share this moment with the people that mean the most to us.” Stone looked around at the room filled with his friends, everyone was still a little confused as to why Stone had called them over so early in the morning when they thought they weren’t going to meet up until dinner.  Stone turned toward Olivia and he reached out for her hand, he held it gently smoothing his thumb across it softly.

“Olivia Marie, First I need to say to you that I love you more than you will ever possibly know. I have loved you since we were kids. You have been my rock in life, you may think it’s the other way around but truly you are what made me smile every day, your love for life and appreciation for everything around you taught me every day how to live and love life, and to not take even the littlest thing for granted…” Stone was saying to her looking straight into her green eyes. Everyone was sititng quietly listening intently, Liv stared back at him not saying a word just listening to everything he had to say with a smile.

“ You Oliviaare my best friend and are everything I have ever wanted and needed, you have been there for me with open arms and an open heart through the thick and the thin and I hope I have done the same for you, and I will continue to do that for you for the rest of my life.  Everything about you drives me wild…that amazing smile, the way you laugh, those killer green eyes, you are my idea of pure perfection, I have known since we were young that I was meant to have you in my life, but what I wanted to ask you is…” Stone got down on his knee in front of her and reached into his pocket pulling out  a small blue box and he opened it in front of her revealing a beautiful diamond ring sent in platinum gold, everyone’s eyes got wide and Sam gasped a bit getting excited as well. Olivia had tears in her eyes and she still didn’t look away from the man she loved who was kneeling in front of her.

“Olivia Marie Harris,…I love you, I need you, I want you…for always… and I wanted to know if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife…Will you marry me?” Stone stared back into her green eyes and his smile made her grin. She wiped her tears away and shook her head yes.

“Yes ….Yes Stone…I will marry you.” She said through tears, Stone reached over and slipped the ring onto her finger and they both stood up, wrapping their arms tightly around each other. Stone lifted her up and she squeezed him tightly trying to stop crying from happiness. Everyone started shouting and clapping.

“Woo!! YEAH!!! “ Chris shouted. Sam smiled  and looked over at Eddie who had a smile on his face as well he watched Stone spinning her around in circles in the middle of the living room she held on tightly  never taking her eyes from his.  He stopped a moment and she pressed her lips to his softly.

“I love you Stone.”

“I love you too Liv, …for always and always.” He said back letting her down carefully.  She walked over to where Sam was sitting with Kim’s girlfriend Sarah and the girls started squealing making all the guys laugh. Olivia showed them her ring, Chris looked over eyeing it.

“Holy shit that’s a huge rock.” Chris said snickering looking over at Stone, Stone shook his head yes and laughed a bit.

“My god Liv that ring is gorgeous! Stone you did a great job….” Sam said.

“Thank you, Thank you.” He bowed everyone got up and hugged and congratulated the newly engaged couple. Livvie was still in a bit of a shock,

Eddie walked over to Stone and gave him a huge hug.

“Congratulations man, I wish you two nothing but the best. Keep her happy man, and don’t let her get too crazy with those wedding plans.” Eddie said joking a bit making Stone laugh and he patted Ed on the back. Eddie again carefully eyed Jeff, he could tell Jeff was forcing a smile but trying to be supportive for his friends. 

“Thanks man, I will do anything in my power to keep that amazing smile on her face, as for the wedding plans you know I can’t tell her No…” Stone laughed.

Olivia looked over and saw Jeff sitting there with a smile, she walked over to him and sat on his lap and showed him her ring.

“Ames…”

“It’s beautiful isn’t it little one, I am so happy for the both of you.”

“You knew didn’t you?” She asked nudging him a bit. He kissed her cheek and nodded.

“Of course I did, surprise! And merry Christmas Little one ..., love you.” She kissed his cheek and whispered to him.

“I love you too Ames. Thank you.”

“Now go love on your fiancé some more so I can get more of it on film.” He laughed grabbing the camera and putting it in her face.

“You’re recording this? Oh my god no I look like hell,..no make up…AMES!” She said shielding her face making him laugh harder.

“Of course I’m recording and you can never look like hell, you are beautiful. Now show us that ring little one.” He pulled her hands away from her face, She flashed her ring for the camera and smiled.

“There it is folks…the ring of all rings…check it out.” Jeff zoomed in on the ring and then Olivia got up going back over to Stone, he grabbed her by the waist and started kissing her again. Jeff circled around them filming.

“Here they are, the newly engaged couple…Stone and Olivia…say hi to the camera you two.” They turned and smiled making funny faces at the camera.

“Alright everyone, Ament…set that camera back up it’s time for presents. Everyone have a seat.” Stone said, Olivia squealed again like a little girl getting excited to see everyone’s faces when they open their gifts, that was always her favorite part to see how happy everyone was. Stone and her passed out the plethora of gifts that filled over half of the living room.

Mike opened one up first it was a few signed vinyls of one of his favorite bands KISS.

“Holy shit who is this from? OH MY GOD KICK ASS!!!”  he looked around the room and saw Liv sitting there grinning at him.

“Ah-ha! Liv…thank you love. These are fucking incredible.” She nodded and blew him a kiss.

“Oh shoot hang on…Stoney we gotta get that one for Ames from the back room.” She said to him he nodded and she left the room coming back in with a huge blue box that was covered in gold ribbon. She walked over to Jeff and handed it to him.

“This is from Stone and I Ames…we hope you like it.” Jeff pulled the ribbon off slowly and carefully took the paper off, he saw a black box underneath and lifted the lid. There it was a brand new black and white checkered bass with custom inlays and there was an engraving on the neck.  ’3 Forever- J, S & O’ Jeff didn’t know what to say but he loved the gift and the engraving made it even more special. He smiled up at Olivia and Stone.

“This is incredible, thank you both…I love it …so much.” He gave them both a hug and he sat there plucking away on it for a while watching everyone else open gifts he was too busy playing with his new bass and thinking about things to want to open any more gifts.

JEFFS POV

The gift they gave me was wonderful, I knew it was all  Olivia’s idea, Stone wasn’t too sentimental when it came to gifts so I know most of it was her doing, which made it even more special. That was always how she was with everything, paying attention to every little detail trying to make everything just right to ensure everyone around her was happy.  I sat back watching everyone else open gifts, Eddie and Sam were being lovey with each other which I found quite amusing, I kept watching Stone and Olivia, they both looked so happy. I was happy for them too but at the same time I was hurt… not because it wasn’t me with her but because I know now that I cant ever do anything about the way I feel for her. I care about the both of them too much to even try to come between them. I am doing my best to hide my feelings as I have for years now, I put that fake smile on and pretend its okay,… but as time goes by I am finding it harder and harder.  Our Christmas morning was great, everyone enjoyed their gifts and had a good time talking with one another, Eddie was of course snapping photos and filming random things. All the while I sat quietly here trying to take everything in, … get it together Ament… no one can find this out. 

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

3. Pleased to meet you a. k. a. androids, reserved groupies, gentlemen and rude boys (Part One)

„Mom, are you asleep?” I whisper as I sneak in her room.

“Not anymore…” she sighs. “I’ve hoped since you turned five that one day you’ll realize how unnecessary this question is…”

“Sorry… I…I go back to sleep…” I feel suddenly guilty for waking her up in the middle of the night.

“I’m just kidding, come here, sweetie!”

I slip under the cover on the other side of the bed and crawl next to her. I can’t understand how she can still sleep in this large bed. Effie and I have maintained the habit of sometimes visiting Mom’s bed when we want to feel like children again, which is maybe pathetic and implies the urgent need of a psychotherapist but makes me feel safer than anything. I smell Dad’s scent on the pillow, which is probably only the cruel product of my mind as the cover of it got washed at least two hundred times since then. I swallow a salty teardrop to prevent myself from crying.

“Mom…”

“Hm?”

“I can’t sleep…”

“Of course you can’t sleep. If you could I would start worrying if you got kidnapped by aliens who put you through a brainwashing or replaced you with an android.” she remarks sleepily.

“Thanks… do you even know what androids are?” I slap back.

“Who do you think I am? Of course I know. Mr. Taylor is a huge sci-fi fan so every time I visit him he makes me check the whole building since he’s convinced that aliens are hiding in his home. Once he even got me to crawl under his bed, of course I didn’t find any aliens. But what I did find were his denture for which we had been looking desperately for almost two weeks. As for androids, he suspected me being one as well since I bought him raspberry yoghurt by chance instead of the strawberry-flavored sort which is his favorite. So please, don’t question my knowledge about androids.”

“And how can you be sure that I’m not an android who’s trying to trick you by saying she can’t sleep?”

“I give up… You’re worse than my clients…” she yawns.

“But at least I can change my own diaper without help…” I snicker, which makes her snort too.

“So what’s the matter? You’re already stressed out by the possible events of the next few months?”

“I don’t know. If something happened to Effie while I’m away and I couldn’t help her, I would never forgive myself.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty for leaving us. Actually, I’ve never told you but I’m as much concerned about you as about Effie’s health.”

“About me? But I’m okay, I’m healthy, I have a degree…”

“But you’re lonely and you live like a recluse. I’ve never heard you mentioning any friends from New York, you don’t see your high school friends anymore, you don’t have colleagues who you could go out with…”

“But Effie is actually my best friend, and…” I cut her off.

“I’m happy for having such wonderful daughters who are inseparable but you should start building your own life too…”

“Oh no, it’s about the “find a husband” thing, isn’t it? I can’t believe…” I sigh.

“No, ford God’s sake, no! I just think you narrow your world to your work and us and I don’t want you to feel later that you didn’t collect enough experiences…”

“With guys?”

“With everything! You don’t go out, you don’t travel anywhere, you don’t date but you’re 24. These supposed to be your most memorable years, don’t waste them, you’re can finally drink legally without any grey hairbreadth!” she nudges me encouraging. “But that’s why I’m glad you accepted the job offer. For the record, Effie agrees with me on that, she’s pretty much psyched about the whole thing and at least her brain is full of these thoughts instead of…”

“I know, she doesn’t leave me alone with her daydreaming… But those people seem to be quite different than me… I don’t know any of them but Karrie… They are probably surrounded by party faces who dance on the table or smoke one joint after the other. Not to mention the job part of it…”

“Why do you try to convince yourself about having made a wrong decision? You haven’t even met “those people” yet! Besides, I’ve known for some time you want to do something surprising, something that is out of your comfort zone. When you came out of your room after the conversation with Karrie, I saw on your face that this was it! But for some reasons you play your compulsory hesitation this time too…”

“Mom?” I interrupt her, not because she’s not right but because I know she can’t help me to get rid of this feeling. “How did you know it?”

“I’m your mother and mothers know everything. Or, I’m an android who can read in peoples mind. Or, both of us are androids and we were programmed by the same person, which created a special connection between us. But androids need to spend some time in sleep mode too…”

“Okay, I get it… Good night, Mom!”

“Good night, my android roadie!”

***

“Carefully with the old bag, my dear!” Granny moans while I’m trying to help her to get out of the car. Mom stands already at the trunk to hand her enormous backpack to Judy. It‘s almost larger than Judy although she sorted its content at least three times to reduce it to the most necessary clothes and personal belongings. Anyway, she’s to spend her next months with guys who share their stuffs and have worn the same shirts probably for months so it was easy to convince her about keeping her luggage as modest as possible. With a few necessary precautions…

Judy looks paler than usual and this effect is multiplied by the dark shadows around her eyes. She spent the last two weeks with preparing for her new job and to stay true to herself she took it very seriously. After the interview she literally panicked and begged me to call Victor, my former high school classmate who works at Rock Candy so that he would show her the basics of a sound system and the tasks of a rock band’s staff. She hung out there after work almost every evening and in the remaining time she was listening to Ten and the tapes with unreleased songs that Krisha gave her until she learnt them to the last note. She got labeled as a nerd by her classmates for reason, her perfectionism made her immediately worrying about the possible expectations of her new employers. But it’s kinda cute how tenacious she tried to become a perfect monitor engineer in two weeks with the same enthusiasm as she studied for being the valedictorian of her class. She can’t do anything in a low-key way.

As we enter the main hall of Sea-Tac Airport I notice that the check-in counter of Judy’s flight to Cleveland has already been opened. Get it over with fast, I don’t want to get too emotional. It’s inevitable, though, Granny will start crying anyway and Mom always cries when Granny cries and so on…

“I’ve got something for you, Sis!” I turn to Judy. I almost forgot about it, the other thing was on my mind all evening...

“Do I want to know about it?” she asks pretending to be desperate.

“It’s very funny… You don’t even deserve it. I’ve changed my mind, I keep it.” I shake my head reprovingly.

“A present? But you needn’t have…”

“It’s a very useful present, if I were you I’d take it…” Mom winks at me.

“So… I think you’ll know for what purpose… ” I place a small package onto Judy’s palm.

As she opens the little box wrapped in paper and recognizes its content her face lights up immediately.

“A mini tape recorder! Effie, this is awesome!” she captures me in a rib-breaking hug.

“But there’s a rule! I want to hear the newest stuffs while you’re away. There are more tapes, we can manage somehow that you always have one with you for recording your ideas. As I receive a tape I copy it and send it back to you, okay?”

“I don’t want to get them lost, we have to figure out the exact method… I don’t know if I’ll be able to find time to record my ideas... or if I’ll have ideas at all, I count with busy days… But if I won’t, I still can use it to that groupie thing!” she raises her eyebrows quickly a few times referring to our recent conversation.

“I’m sure that surrounded by so many musicians you’ll have more ideas than ever…”

“Just don’t forget to eat, sweetie.” Granny warns her. “When you’re busy, you tend to forget to eat. Didn’t you forget your sandwiches at home, did you?” Granny’s biggest fear before travels is that we’ll starve to death so she always makes sure if we have a detailed plan about our meals at least five days in advance.

“Granny, if I wasn’t able to get food when I’m hungry, I would have already died due to natural selection!” Judy gently strokes her shoulders but when Granny begins to share her advice and warnings, nobody can stop her.

“And be cautious with those men! Don’t let yourself get drugged and seduced!” Here we are; the Granny Show has started. I think my favorite part comes right next… I glance at Mom and I can see she’s trying to repress her laughter, just like me. By the way, Granny is always right…

“Those men? Granny, they’re just guys in their twenties!”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about young lady!” Granny pokes Judy in the chest with her index finger. She leans closer to her and keeps pestering her more quietly. “Judy, my little star, it’s so embarrassing to ask this but someone has to do it… Do you have ‘that thing’ in your bag, don’t you?” Oh my God, this episode is better than I’ve thought.

“That thing? What is ‘that thing’?” Judy asks back suspecting she doesn’t want to know the answer.

“ ‘That thing’… you know… if it still happens… you have to take precautions, young men are so irresponsible nowadays… You know, I watch TV a lot, I’ve already heard a lot about that AIDS disease…” I see that Judy realized in the meantime what Granny was trying to say but she wants to trap her with the topic she came up with.

“Granny, I’m more and more confused. Please be more specific!” Judy plays the uncomprehending, innocent little girl. Mom turns in the direction of the departures board but the shaking of her shoulders reveals her.

“Judy, my dear, I’m talking about… you know…” Judy keeps waiting with an amused smile for her uttering the end of the sentence. “Condom!” she whispers in horror and at this point Mom, Judy and I erupt into a loud laughter, which makes her more embarrassed than the word she’s just said.

“First of all, I don’ think I would need ‘that thing’. I’m supposed to work with them, like ‘work’, literally. But if I still would, it’s rather the guy’s responsibility to be prepared. Aaand, if he’s not prepared but I can’t resist the temptation, there are bunch of ways of having fun to which you don’t need ‘that thing’. I’m sure you’re being a widow with one daughter and two granddaughters, there’s nothing new for you, Granny.” Judy grins, which makes Granny get close to fainting. Of course I know that Judy’s cheeky remark about sexual alternatives was only meant to freak her out, I’m sure as hell she would chicken out if someone tried to get so close to her that she would need ‘that thing’. But Granny is always right… And I took the precautions, Granny, even if you think you’re the only responsible adult in this family…

“Sorry Granny, I adore how much you’re concerned about me, I just can’t shut my big mouth.” she embraces her. “But I think I should go…” Judy is still wiping the teardrops of laughter from her eyes. Or are those already different kinds of teardrops?

While Judy is standing in the cue, I exchange a bitter look with Mom. Until now I was focused on Judy’s exciting perspectives and ignored the fact that I would miss her. Fuck, I’ll miss her a lot…

After finishing the check-in process she kisses and hugs all of us in a suspiciously short time and before we could get really touched she sets off with quick steps for the security check. Before entering the security zone she turns back for a second, sends an awkward wave to us and disappears in the crowd immediately.

***

“Sir… excuse me, sir… EXCUSE ME!” I have to repeat the same sentence more times, as usual. People at public places usually can’t hear me when I’m speaking to them, or even if they can, they misunderstand what I’ve said, which often leads to miswritten names, misheard numbers, wrongly taken orders.

“Oh, sorry… Good afternoon, Madame, may I help?”

The receptionist of the hotel turns to me distracted, as if he had woken up from a deep dream.

“As far as I know, I have a reservation for this night.”

“Your name, please?”

“Camden, Judith Emilia.”

“A moment, please… would you repeat it?”

I can’t believe that.

“Camden. C, A, M, D, E, N.” I spell and I can hear my voice getting sharper.

“Sorry, I can’t find your name in the book.”

“It’s maybe a group reservation. I’m a crew member of Pearl Jam.” I explain.

Suddenly his expression changes and his lips form a patronizing smile.

“I’m afraid, in that case I can’t help you, Miss Camden.” he closes the book with a quick move.

“How do you mean…?”

“Well, you’ve been the fifteenth female person today who claims being a stuff member of Pearl Jam.” he emphasizes the word “female” in a mocking tone, which makes me clear what he’s thinking about me. I feel my cheeks reddening. This damn blushing… Even if I don’t have any reason for feeling embarrassed…

“Look, I’m not like those female guests, I have my contract in my bag, I have every single document…” I try to get him to open the book again.

“I’m sorry Miss Camden, but our main principle is discretion, I have to follow strict rules, I’m only allowed to let in persons who arrive with the band or with their manager. You don’t need to show any documents, I can’t help you, I can’t make any exceptions.” he rejects my attempt.

I stare perplexed and frozen at him. But I decide not to beg him and every single brain cell of mine starts searching for a plan ‘B’. Should I call Krisha? She gave me her office number… But if I called her, she would think I’m a loser with the problem solving skills of a pupil in the second grade… The crew is probably not here; Karrie told me something about an afternoon sound check… Yes, this is it! Krisha gave me a list with the names, addresses and phone numbers of the clubs where the band plays the remaining shows of the US tour. If I called the club, I could ask if they’re still there and maybe I could join them…

“Thank you, I really appreciate you efforts, good bye!” I tweet to him and leave the lobby almost cheerful, relieved by my idea. The receptionist gazes puzzled after me, probably the other female persons weren’t so happy after getting thrown out…

I slam into the first phone booth, throw my backpack on the ground and tear off the thick folder from its backside. After a short search I find the number I need and I dial it impatiently. After a few ringing I hear a bored male voice on the other end of the line.

“Peabody’s Down Under…”

This time I’m more cautious.

“Hello, I’m Krisha Augerot from Curtis Management. I would like to talk with Karrie Keyes, from the Pearl Jam crew, it’s very urgent. Are they still rehearsing?” I try to sound impressive.

“Yes, they’re still here, I’ll look for her, hold the line, please…”

I hear a deep boom from the background, the band probably started playing in the meantime.

“Krisha? Hi, what happened? Is everything okay?” Karrie breaths heavily, she must have hurried to the phone.

“Calm down, Karrie, it’s just me, Judy!” I snicker.

“Judy???”

“Yes, don’t ask anything… I had problems with the check-in at the hotel so I decided to use an alias…”

“Problems? Alias?”

“Yeah, the receptionist took me for a groupie or what…”

“Hahaha, you? For a groupie?” she giggles. I feel somehow a little bit offended, although as I look down at myself I have to acknowledge I’m not the archetype of band chasing butterflies. My braids, my glasses, my long, brown and loose dress which ends where my docs begin…

“Hey, the world needs reserved groupies too, they’re also valuable members of society!” I defend myself. “Anyway, the thing is that I can’t check in so I thought I joined you at the club. Is it far from the hotel?”

“No, only a couple blocks away, a few minutes on foot. I tell you how to get here, listen…”

***

I’m standing in front of the stage and watching them play. Right after the last chords of “Even flow” Stone walks to Eddie shaking his head.

“You fucked up again at the beginning of the second chorus. You fucked up at the same part even during our first show, which wasn’t a big deal because we played for survival but we’ve already played this damn thing for one and a half year…”

“Because Dave’s fuckin’ cymbal noises drive me crazy, I can’t focus on anything… And that damn smoke kills my throat…” Eddie slaps back nettled glancing angrily at Dave.

“Hey, you’ve forbidden me to smoke on the bus, which I’ve accepted so I would appreciate if you didn’t want to crucify me for having a few cigarettes anywhere else…” Dave joins the quarrel in a sharp tone.

“A few cigarettes? You fume like a fuckin’ smokestack!” Eddie yells at him.

“Interesting, nobody complains about the suffocating sweet smell of Jeff’s incenses. I’ve already given up counting my allergic reactions to them, I’m basically suffering during the journeys, over and above my wrists hurt like hell. But my problems don’t seem to be as important as those of the others…”

“Hey man, at least I try to do something for our living conditions! That fuckin’ bus smells like a polecat hole, the ape house in the zoo is a rose garden in comparison to that!”

“A hole of alcoholic polecats, to be exact. Mike, you should do something with your messy shirts, they smell of vomit… And if you think that we haven’t noticed that you’re basically hiding a whole bar under your bed, you’re wrong.” Stone targets Mike this time.

“Hey, they’re for sterilization…” Mike tries to explain himself.

“If you don’t want to produce little McCreadys during the tour, just cut your balls off or wash your feet wearing socks!” Stone misunderstands his words intentionally. “Anyway, has anybody seen my guitar tuner?” he asks out of character.

“A missing object again? Seriously Stone, you should see an expert, this level of obliviousness is already pathological. I’ve got fed up with the whole band’s searching for your shit…” Eddie attacks him.

“I wouldn’t be oblivious if I could sleep more but I have to babysit Mike every single night, I get into the bed basically in the morning, I need intravenous caffeine, it’s no wonder I’m insane…”

“Hey, nobody asked you to babysit me!”

“Nobody asked me, but I don’t want to be executed by the furious crowd after we announce we canceled the show since we had left our lead guitarist dancing naked in front of the McDonalds in the last town.”

Everybody shouts with everybody. The roads glance at each other helplessly, they shrug and with that move they basically decide not to intervene. As I turn back I see a short and slim young girl staring the guys on stage with a scared face. She carries a giant backpack – as much as I know about the laws of physics she should fall back from its weight. She might be the new girl…

“Aren’t they supposed to be friends? What if they were enemies…” she asks with a questioning expression.

“They’re just sick of touring… Imagine spending months with the same people, even if they’re your friends… You would probably want to kill them in the cruelest ways…” I step to her.

“I hope this verbal crowd fight won’t get physical. If the singer and the bassist teamed up, the drummer might have a chance to survive but those two bags of bones…” she shakes her head.

“Yeah, the coroner would have a hard job while collecting their residues with a spoon… maybe a mop and a bucket could help…” I grin.

“But the relatives might be able to identify them from their teeth…”

“Or from their internal organs… like ‘oh my God, that liver looks familiar, he had his father’s liver!” we both snicker. In the meantime the guys begin to play ‘Porch’ and as Eddie counts in she clicks with her tongue a few times. “That’s too fast… If the drummer doesn’t take back from the pace the guitarists’ hands will ignite…” Okay, she must be the new girl… “Okay, what’s that guy doing?” she asks when Eddie starts performing a reduced version of his usual climbing show on Jeff’s amplifier to jump back on the stage. As he touches down he loses his balance, ends up on the ground and stays there rolling back and forth. “Is he performing scenes from The Exorcist? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to eat roads for breakfast…”

“Hahaha, I don’t think so!” I giggle, and I decide to delay a bit revealing who I am. I like this girl. I can finally talk with someone sincerely, she’s objective, she doesn’t know who I am and I’m fed up with polite and diplomatic lies which are addressed to Eddie Vedder’s faceless girlfriend.

“If I hadn’t listened to their songs earlier, I wouldn’t understand a word from the lyrics…” she remarks during the last chorus.

“And do you like their lyrics?’ I ask curiously.

“Uhm… A little bit too much of fucked up childhood and family issues, or at least for my taste but it’s definitely a good point that they’ve broken up with the infinite permutation of the girls-cars-drugs combo… Although the singer should take care of his voice, his tone is very unique but he basically yells. On one hand, it sounds flat and on the other hand I guess he’ll have voice problems within one month…”

If you knew… Eddie overstrained his vocal chords a few times in the last weeks. He would have needed a break after the European tour but they didn’t have much time to recover before the next one in the U.S.

“Maybe I can convince him about it.” I smile because the song ends in the meantime. “I’m Beth, Eddie’s girlfriend.” I offer my hand.

“What? Shit… I thought you belong to the club’s staff! I didn’t mean to…Sorry…” she shakes my hand confused. “Anyway, I’m Judy, Karrie’s second cousin.”

“I know; you’re the new girl everybody talks about. And you don’t need to apologize, I appreciate honest opinions… But I think it’s time you introduced yourself to the others!” I push her gently towards the stage.

[stonegossardfanfiction]

Just updated the chapters list:)

[chloejustlikeme]

posted another one shot !!

[chloejustlikeme]

hello ✨ i have posted my first badly written jeff and stone fic

i will also be taking requests here if anyone interested 😌

[stateofloveandnegan]

Movie Night - Steddie

Then here I go! Can you write a Stone x Eddie oneshot where Stone invites Eddie over for a movie night and then very fluffy cute stuff happens and some kissing? Haha I’m a sucker for Stone x Eddie story’s 😂❤️

You don’t even know how much I enjoyed writing this. I love Steddie guys xx

Requested by: anon

“Come on guys, let’s hit the club!” Jeff says and Mike and Dave start cheering. “I’m sorry, not tonight. I’m just a little tired. I’ll see you guys tomorrow, yeah?” Stone speaks up, which causes Eddie to immediately doubt whether to go to the club or to make sure that Stone gets home safely.

But, he thinks, the latter will cause suspicion and he doesn’t want anyone to think he might fancy Stone, because that will ruin the band and their friendship. “What about you, Ed?” Jeff asks and Eddie’s snapped back reality, “Oh, yeah I’ll come with you.”

It almost seems like Stone’s a little disappointed as Eddie says those words, but Eddie figures it’s just his imagination. “Alright, see you tomorrow Stone!” Jeff says and with that the four guys leave to go to the club.

Throughout their time in the club, Eddie’s mind keeps wandering back to Stone. It would’ve been nice to have him here, hell, Eddie would probably be having a great time if Stone was here. But no, Stone’s not here and Eddie’s having the worst night of his life.

All the guys are hanging around with some chicks and Eddie is the only one left at their table, drinking away a glass of water and brainstorming about what he should do with his tiny little crush on his bandmate.

He really wants to tell Stone how he feels, but he’s simply too scared. He doesn’t even know if Stone’s into guys. But then again, nobody knows he’s into guys either. Well, he’s not really into guys, he’s just into one guy: Stone Carpenter Gossard.

The next few days Eddie is awfully quiet and the guys, as well as Stone, take notice in this. Mike tries to lighten up the mood every now and then and it kind of works, sometimes it really gets Eddie’s mind off Stone, but mostly he just keeps sulking away.

“Hey Ed, you still up for movie night tonight, right?” Stone gently asks while putting down his guitar in order to start a little lunch-break. Eddie’s breath hitches in his throat for a second at the thought of being alone with Stone, but he smiles nonetheless, even though it’s a bit forced. “Yeah, of course!”

The rest of the afternoon, Eddie’s mind is even more off of practice than before. Ever since Stone mentioned their movie night his mind is a rollercoaster with too many ups and downs and loops and whatever.

“Let’s call it a day. Ed, you’re not really with us, something wrong?” Jeff asks and Eddie absentmindedly shakes his head, still not really being with them. They just brush it off and figure that if it’s something really serious Eddie will eventually speak up about it, they’re his best friends after all…

On his way back home, Eddie decided he’s got too much on his mind to cook dinner. He drives past the local snack-bar and orders some fries, a burger and a drink to take home and heads home.

‘What am I supposed to do? I can’t even get my fucking act together with the others around, how am I supposed to act normal when it’s just him and me alone?’ is a thought that goes through Eddie’s mind constantly.

As Eddie’s making his way up to Stone’s front porch, his heart hammers in his chest. He’s decided that he’ll tell Stone about is feelings. Tonight. And even though he’s anxious about the whole thing, he needs to get it out. He needs to get it off his chest.

“Hey, come in.” Stone says with a smile after opening the door for Eddie. Eddie smile a little nervously and mumbles a soft “Hey,” back.

Stone is in the kitchen when Eddie walks into the living room, having discarded his shoes and jacket in the hallway. “Do you want some tea, Ed?”

“Yeah, tea would be nice, thanks.” Eddie tells him while taking a seat on his usual spot on Stone’s sofa. Not much later, Stone walks in with an adorable, goofy smile on his face and a tray with their tea and a bowl with some popcorn. “Thought it’d be nice to have something to snack.”

Eddie smiles. It’s a genuine smile and it feels like ages since he’s sincerely smiled, “Lemme help.” he stands up from his spot and takes the two tea mugs from the tray before putting them down on the table in front of the sofa. Stone places the bowl down before quickly heading back to the kitchen to leave the tray there.

Stone quickly sits down next to Eddie when he’s finally done. That’s when Eddie feels the nerves crashing back onto him, he hasn’t been this close to Stone in a while. He’s snapped out of his daze when he feels Stone’s arm against his and when he looks to the side, he notices that Stone’s put a blanket over the two of them.

“You always complain about how cold it gets so I bought a little duvet.” There’s a cheeky smile plastered on Stone’s face and his cheeks are sporting a light tint of red, but Eddie doesn’t notice that, he’s way too focused on keeping his face away from Stone because of his own bloodshot cheeks.

When he’s calmed down a little, Eddie smiles and looks up at Stone, “You’re such a goofball sometimes.” And Stone can’t help but blush even more after that comment.

“So, what are we watching?” Eddie asks, trying to get his mind off of how gorgeous Stone looks. When Stone doesn’t answer immediately, Eddie’s looks at him and raises his eyebrow in a questing manner.

“Don’t laugh, alright?”

Eddie furrows his eyebrows, “What? Why would I laugh, what do you have in mind?”

Stone lets out a nervous chuckle while scratching the back of his head, “I know we always, like, watch action movies or something of the sort, but I actually really wanna see Dirty Dancing.”

A smile breaks out on Eddie’s face, “There’s no need to feel so ashamed, I wanna see it too.” And Stone chuckles, letting out a relieved sigh, “Alright, I’ll put it up.”

After a good twenty minutes into the film, Stone suddenly starts moving a little restlessly. Eddie tries to focus as much on the film as possible, even though the thought that he’s supposed to confess his feelings tonight is still haunting him.

When he feels Stone’s arm softly brushing against his own, his eyes go wide and he takes a swift look at his bandmate. Stone’s already looking at Eddie, but he immediately looks back to the tv when he notices Eddie’s turning his head.

Eddie still manages to catch a glimpse of Stone’s eyes and Stone knows this as he silently curses himself for being so obvious, but none of it all is obvious to Eddie. Eddie’s oblivious to Stone’s subtle actions, actually.

A couple of times after that, their hands brush against one another’s and the electricity jolts through both their bodies.

Eddie’s eyes keep wandering back to Stone’s face, flashing back to the screen in front of him every now and then to keep Stone from catching him. But one time, Stone catches him red handed and Eddie’s frozen, not knowing what to do to get out of this hole he’s dug himself into.

“Ed-” Stone begins, but he’s cut off by Eddie’s lips against his own. Eddie doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he just felt like the right thing and now he can’t stop himself from continuing. Only when he realises Stone’s stone cold frozen, he moves back and immediately fixes his gaze on the ground, “Shit. Fuck I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what came over me.”

Stone’s still frozen with shock and it takes him some time to regain himself. Eddie eventually gets up and that’s what sends Stone back to planet earth. “Where are you going?”

Eddie doesn’t look at him, just walks into the hallway, “Home.”

Stone jumps up from the sofa and runs over to Eddie, grabbing his wrist to keep hi from leaving and turning him around so they’re facing each other, “Don’t go.” They’re looking into on another’s eyes, but Eddie is soon to break the contact and look down at the ground, “I can’t stay here, not now. I’m sorry.” and he’s about the turn around again.

But Stone gently lays his hand on Eddie’s cheek and guides his face forward to his own, before softly pressing his lips against Eddie’s. Now it’s Eddie’s turn to freeze, but when he feels Stone placing his hand behind his neck, softly running his fingers through the nape of his hair, Eddie starts kissing him back. Their mouths dance together as if it was always meant to be this way, and that’s exactly how it feels to both of them, they’re finally where they both belong: in each other’s arms.

Eddie softly pulls back, one hand resting on Stone’s chest and the other on the side of his face. Stone opens his eyes and looks deeply into Eddie’s while it’s silent for some minutes.

“I honestly didn’t know you felt the same.” Stone’s voice is soft and a goofy smile appears on his face.

Eddie chuckles, “If I’d known you felt the same, I wouldn’t have waited this long to make a move.”

The two of them burst out in laughter and when it’s died down a little, Stone pulls Eddie close to him in a warm embrace, “Gosh Ed, you have no idea what you do to me and how much you mean to me.”

“I could say the same Steno. You mean more to me then I care to admit.” Eddie tells his friend while he rests his head on his shoulder.

Stone moves back and his hands find their way back to Eddie’s face, cupping them and softly caressing his cheeks. He places a quick peck on his lips, “Let’s get back to the movie and cuddle up.”

“Oh god yes. I’d kill for a cuddle, especially for one from you.”

[stateofloveandnegan]

EDDIE VEDDER - one shots

Break Up

A Cigarette

Unfortunate Events

Grunge Concert

MTV Unplugged

No Confidence

Truth or Dare

Cosy

EDDIE VEDDER - requests

A Damn Wedding

Flirty

Car Accident

The Little Sister

The Backroom

Lollapalooza

Goodbye

The Shy One

Don’t Cry

Friends With Benefits - smut

Overprotective

Why?

Hatred

I’m Here

Massage - smut

My Girl - smut

Sweet Benefits - smut

Hey Ed

Alcohol

EDDIE VEDDER - short series

Backstage

Part 1

Part 2 - smut

Under Pressure/Date Night

Part 1

Part 2

STONE GOSSARD - one shots

Jealousy

STONE GOSSARD - requests

Dances

Hidden Feelings

Love

First Time - smut

Tease - smut

Eye-Contact

Sweet

CHRIS CORNELL - requests

Surprise?

Drunk

Lazy Day

Rehab

Interest

Crush - smut

On The Way - smut

Records

JERRY CANTRELL - one shots

One Date

JERRY CANTRELL - requests

I Just Can’t - smut

Rainy Days

MIKE MCCREADY - requests

What’s Wrong Up You? - smut

SHANNON HOON - requests

Exception

DAVE GROHL - requests

Conclusions

KENNY HICKEY - requests

Finally

EDDIE VEDDER X STONE GOSSARD -  requests

Movie Night