#Steve deserves to enjoy his own things too...and shouldn't have to be the only one compromising

[cosmicanamnesis]

little self-indulgent fic that I'm posting without proofreading, enjoy

steddie, modern AU, idiots to lovers | read on ao3

"It's not a big deal!"

Eddie's crush on Steve was a secret both short-lived and ill-kept. His first mistake was telling the band. Well, no, his first mistake was forgetting that Gareth and Will were dating and that Gareth had the physical inability to keep his fucking mouth shut. But Eddie telling his closest, most trusted friends about the guy he liked was definitely Up There on the list of mistakes.

Which was how Eddie found himself mildly hungover drinking black coffee in his living room while Dustin paced up and down the length of the trailer, berating him for not confessing his doomed love to his alleged "favorite child" sooner.

"HOW is it not a big deal, Eddie?" Dustin said, just a few notches too loud for Eddie's looming headache.

"Because it's not! He doesn't like me! He's never gonna like me! I'm an adult, dude, I have critical thinking skills. I know how to pick my battles."

"It's not- Eddie," Dustin suddenly went stone faced. "It's not about your chances with him. You're moving in with him. He deserves to know."

Oh yeah. There was that. Robin was starting college and there was no way she wasn't taking her Emotional Support Pretty Boy with her. The only place they could find was a 2-bed just slightly out of their budget, and had asked Eddie if he wanted to join them, finally striking out on their own in the city. The agreement was that Steve and Robin would share the bigger bedroom, and Eddie would get the smaller room to himself. Their move-in date was less than a week out when Eddie made his inebriated love confession at his quote-unquote Going-Away-Party.

"It's not about what he deserves, man!" Eddie said, sinking back into the couch. He rubbed his eyes hard to try and relieve some of the pressure building in his head and sighed. "If I don't say anything to him, nothing changes. If I tell him, everything changes!"

"Oh, please. Steve's an adult too, dude, if we tell him you like him but you're well aware that he doesn't like you, he won't make it weird!"

"Wait wait wait, hold up. Rewind. We? Who is we?"

"You and me!" The boys stared at each other in bewilderment for a moment. "Oh come on, Eddie, we both know that if I don't sit here and watch you do it, you're just gonna lie and say you told him when you actually just hid under a blanket listening to Metallica and wishing you had the balls to-"

"OKAY!" Eddie yelled, loud enough for the very shock of his volume to trigger his headache in full force. "Jesus H., kid, you don't need to call me out like that. Fuck. Fine. I'll do it right now, how about that?"

Eddie pulled his phone out and Dustin dropped down hard on the couch next to him, arms already crossed, smug satisfaction already settled on his face.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Dustin scoffed. "Here's what you should say-"

Eddie held up a hand to cut him off. "I'm not listening to you anymore. You had one long distance girlfriend ONCE, you're not some kind of Cassanova here… oh, son of a bitch."

"Son of a bitch what?" Dustin asked, scooting closer to read over Eddie's shoulder.

"I can't do this right now… The last thing I sent him was asking his opinion on the D&D movie and he hasn't responded yet."

"What the absolute fuck does that have to do with any of this?"

"Well I can't be like hey what's your opinion on this movie you know I love because I'm the one who told you to watch it, also I'm in love with you but it's no big deal. Like, what the fuck is that?"

"Oh… Yeah, you have a point." Dustin shifted back away from Eddie, covering his mouth with one hand in concentration.

"I mean… It can wait-"

"It can, but it shouldn't, dude! Shit… I mean, I could tell him, if you want."

Dustin had expected an outright "no" and was shocked when Eddie paused, apparently seriously considering the option.

"Actually… Yeah, could you?"

"Sure, but I'm not letting you see what I say until after I send it."

"You drive a hard bargain…" Eddie said, drumming his fingers on his knee. "Fine. Go for it."

Eddie stood and grabbed his coffee off the table, wandering slowly towards the kitchen, both to find some ibuprofen and to quell his temptation to watch Dustin quickly type a message to Steve.

"Okay. Sent. Now you can look," Dustin announced, beckoning Eddie back over as he downed the medicine. Eddie felt like he'd never moved so fast in his life. The message read,

Eddie wants you to know, before you move in together, he has a crush on you. he won't make it weird if you dont

As Eddie read, the three dots that meant Steve was typing popped up. Suddenly Eddie regretted ever agreeing to this, and pushed Dustin's hand and phone away so he wouldn't have to see Steve's rejection first-hand.

"He responded… Do you wanna know what he said?" Dustin said. Eddie was leaning hard against the armrest of the couch, staring into nothing, imagination running wild.

"Yeah, hit me," he said.

"Oh, alright. Thank you for telling me," Dustin read. "I don't feel the same way about him. I assume you talked to him about telling me."

"So he gets back to you right away but he won't tell me- oh. Never mind. He just responded to my text." Eddie was doing his best to not feel completely devastated by Steve's frankly predictable response to Dustin's text.

"So… What did he think of the movie?"

—

"Uh… Rob?"

"Yeah?"

"Um… Come here and… Just read this."

Steve and Robin were taking a break from packing up Steve's childhood bedroom in preparation for the move when Dustin's text came through. She quickly chugged the last of her soda and came around to Steve's side to see what he was seeing.

"Oh," she said, not bothering to conceal her surprise. "I mean… We knew this was a possibility."

"Yeah, I guess, but… What do I say? I don't like him like that."

"Then say you don't like him like that, dingus. He's probably breathing down Dustin's neck right now waiting to see what you say."

"Yeah, you're probably right…" Steve said. He typed and backspaced and typed something else until Robin got sick of watching and grabbed the phone out of his hand to answer Dustin's text for him.

"Just trust me!" Robin said, actively walking away from Steve as he sputtered indignances, chasing after her halfheartedly. As soon as she sent the text, she turned and shoved the phone roughly back to Steve's chest.

"Oh… Yeah, okay, that makes more sense than anything I was trying to say…" Steve conceded, reading the text Robin sent on his behalf.

—

Steve, Robin, and Eddie saw each other next when they were loading up the U-Haul. No one said anything, and Steve tried as hard as he could to act like nothing was different. It put Eddie's mind at ease while simultaneously driving Robin nuts.

Since Dustin sent the secondhand confession, the only thing Steve had on his mind was Eddie, and how he definitely didn't reciprocate Eddie's feelings, how he was definitely bisexual but Eddie… Eddie wasn't his type. He was pretty, sure, but he was so… Himself. He was loud and unapologetic and into things Steve had never even heard of. They had nothing in common besides their love for the kids.

But Robin saw it coming a mile away.

"It" finally came to fruition a month after they had all moved in together.

It turned out, Steve and Eddie were practically the same person. Same sense of humor, same taste in TV, they even took their coffee the same way. They really only differed in their music tastes, fashion, and theater snack preferences. 

Robin got the text in the middle of her French class.

shmuck: i think i have a crush on eddie

bobbin: FINALLY. please just kiss him and put me out of my misery

Steve came out of the kitchen, bag of chips in hand, to see Eddie just as he'd left him: cross-legged on the couch, demolishing a bag of Sour Patch Kids to the tune of the Criminal Minds theme music. He tucked his phone into his back pocket and rejoined his maybe-crush to watch trash TV until Robin came home.

He didn't know why he was so nervous. He knew Eddie liked him. There wasn't a chase here, he didn't have to flirt or try to win Eddie over… He just had to say yes and Eddie was his. It was different from any other relationship he'd ever been in. Maybe that was why it was so scary. Because it was new.

They watched the episode and bantered back and forth about it, same as always. But before the next episode could start, Steve hit pause.

"Bathroom break?" Eddie asked, hugging a throw pillow to his chest.

"No, uh…" Steve started, unable to even look Eddie in the face. "No… Can I… Can I kiss you?"

Eddie didn't answer right away, which finally inspired Steve to really look at him. His expression was completely unreadable.

"Uh… Yeah, I mean. Yes, absolutely. Um. But what happened to you don't like me like that?" It was such an Eddie response, Steve could almost laugh.

"I, um… I guess I spoke too soon," Steve laughed, trying to be cool and suave and everything else people thought he was in high school. Eddie brought the pillow up to hide his expression.

"Really?" he asked, muffled behind the pillow so that Steve almost couldn't hear him.

"Yeah, really. Just… Since you told me-"

"Dustin told you," Eddie corrected.

"Whatever… I dunno, I guess it put the idea in my head and now… I haven't been able to stop thinking about it… About you- what?"

Eddie was giggling quietly behind the throw pillow, gently rocking himself back and forth as Steve talked. 

"Nothing," Eddie mumbled into the pillow. "Go on."

"You're such a pain in the ass, y'know that?" Steve laughed again. "Can I kiss you or not?"

Eddie slowly moved the pillow away from his face to set it aside, revealing himself to be smiling like an idiot as he turned slightly to face Steve better.

"You understand I've been uselessly pining after you for like, two months now, right? Please kiss me, oh my god."

—

Dustin's phone lit up with a Snapchat notification; a message from Eddie to the D&D group chat. He expected a meme, or for Eddie to ask Jeff for a ride somewhere because his van broke down again.

Instead, it was a picture of Eddie looking smug, leaning against Steve's chest. Steve, apparently unaware he was having his picture taken, had his fingers tangled up in Eddie's curls. The text overlay simply read "hey guys guess what."

The first reply came from Gareth, a picture of him leaning against Will in the exact same position as Eddie was with Steve. "Gross," it said.

Dustin rolled his eyes. Eddie was about to get so much more insufferable.

[strangerthingfanfic]

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

High School Dilemma Chapter 5: Only The Beginning

Two Weeks Later

Joyce fell face down onto her pillow. This was not the summer she had in mind.

First there was Steve's out-of-the-blue pregnancy and then Nancy's cancer diagnosis and miraculous recovery even if she was still too weak to do much.

Next, she found out that Billy and his siblings had been living on their own so Karen and Ted decided to take them all in.

Their parents had just left one night and hadn't returned. The boys believed they had just abandoned them but the two girls believed something happened.

Joyce and Karen both believe the first one is the most likely because Neil and Susan were flakes that only cared about themselves.

That was a fun fight trying to get the two older boys to drop their egos and let someone help them.

Thankfully they did when Pearl and Max ganged up on them as well as Nancy and William.

Then she found out from Heather Holloway's parents that Robin Buckley was living with them because her parents kicked her out for being gay at the end of the school year.

According to Janet Holloway, Heather's mom, Robin came over the same night that school ended with tears streaming down her face and a red mark on her face.

She told Heather her mom had slapped her when she found out she was a lesbian and kicked her out and the only thing she had was her bike.

Heather then proceeded to beg her parents to let Robin live with them which they graciously accepted.

Within a month they had become Robin's legal guardians as her parents were thrilled to sign away their parental rights.

Janet told her Robin was finally easing into life with them but she can tell the pain of her parents kicking her out is still eating at her.

And because there was no rest for the wicked Jonathan begged her and Hopper to let Steve move in with them while he was in the hospital since his mom had taken off again.

They agreed because Jonathan and Steve should be together and raise their daughter and they were going to need all the help they could get.

They made it clear though that they had a nonnegotiable rule and that was that their door was always 3” open at all times.

Eddie was now living next door to Aaron full time which didn't seem like much of an issue.

Both boys were so busy helping out where needed and of course running DnD campaigns that they didn't have much time for trouble.

William and Jason were doing great relationship wise and William's mom was a really nice lady.

William became a huge support system for Jason who had to take on extra responsibilities while Billy was staying with Nancy during her treatment.

This also helped with their decision to let the Wheelers help them.

Daryl was still with Patrick. They were meant for each other. Neither one of them stayed still for long and they both enjoyed just wandering into the forest together to see if anything was wandering around that shouldn't be.

Having a gossiper like Robin around was a good thing at times. She was able to keep up with all of Jonathan's friends in one conversation and the fact that Nancy and Heather's mom loved to talk helped as well.

She and Steve had formed a close friendship over the last several months and she was amazing with the baby which allowed Jonathan and Steve to get some well-deserved rest. She and Heather even talked about adoption after high school.

After talking with the other parents they decided to homeschool the lot of them because they had all earned it.

They stepped up for each other when things got rough and lost most of their summer so they were going to let them have a lighter sophomore year at home.

Of course, the younger kids wanted to as well especially Dustin now that Eddie was his brother and they had spent a lot of time gaming when Eddie and Aaron weren't watching Max and Pearl for Billy and Jason.

But their parents had unanimously voted that they would stay in middle school.

Plus they needed the free time to help Claudia and Wayne plan their big day even though they just wanted to go to the courthouse.

A celebration seemed like something everyone needed so a celebration they were going to have.

Joyce felt the mattress sink and knew someone had sat down.

Then she felt strong hands massaging her back.

“It will be alright Joyce. The kids are strong and we all know they have an even bigger fight ahead of them so why worry right now” Hopper said softly as he massaged her back.

“I know Hopper and I hate it but I guess that old saying is true, every ending is the beginning of something new” Joyce said as she allowed herself to relax under Hopper's strong hands.

[missingexaltation]

Here's a bit of a meta analysis on Eddie and Steve and the general jock/nerd thing. It's worth pointing out that they're still only 19/20ish so they're slightly entitled to be somewhat selfish idiots, but they're at that time of life where they're starting to grow out of it.

There's so many positive reblogs on my last but one text post (where Eddie gets involved with Steve's hobbies) and I find it so interesting that it's not really explored in fic.

I mean...Steve's trying to 'grow as a person' by embracing nerdy things and that's great! Stereotypical high school 'bully' becoming less of a douche bag.

But Eddie embracing the stereotype and doing 'normal' high school stuff? Sign me up! He's a guy that was probably bullied or harassed by the jocks for at least some part of school before he grew hard skin. He's actively (and loudly) denounced them to their faces and protected younger nerdy/outcast kids.

Of course he's going to think sports are shit. That's what those dumb, bullying morons enjoy more than anything, so it's gotta be bad, right? (Hell, you can even take it further and say that his own dad used to beat the shit out of him as a kid if he made a noise when The Game was on.)

So he's prejudiced against the jocks (for a reason, but that's not the point), all while shouting at the top of his lungs about conformity and the bullshit about being a sheep. Yet all he's doing is conforming to a different stereotype, and not really realising it.

It's not until he meets up and speaks with Chrissy that he realises he's judging her without knowing her, and quickly rectifies it by being nicer. Then she dies and he couldn't save her. She was popular and sporty...but she was sweet and nice, and didn't deserve what happened to her.

Then Steve happens. Former Poster Boy for Jocks, and yet he's not a piece of shit either. But Steve's different, he tells himself. Steve's actually a nerd in wolf's clothing. He comes to D&D even if he doesn't play. He watches Star Wars and hangs out with 'unpopular' kids. He's 'better' now. He's learned his lesson.

It doesn't occur to him that Steve's trying to change himself to fit in, and still enjoys all of his own hobbies. He just does it either in secret, or ashamed when 'caught'. So Eddie doesn't see anything wrong. He's been proven right...THE Jock is in their nerdy little group so he's completely validated.

So maybe one night they're all at the Munson's, playing D&D. Except Steve's nowhere to be seen. During a breakin the campaign, he's found in the other room with Wayne and Hopper, watching the football. And Eddie makes some comment or another about Steve backsliding into sports.

And before Steve can say anything, Wayne tells him to stop bullying Harrington into his interests, and let the poor kid enjoy the football if that's what he wants to do.

And Eddie's mortified.

He finishes the campaign for the night on autopilot, the Game ends, and everyone else goes home, oblivious to what those earlier ten seconds has done to Eddie's psyche. Wayne's sitting there with his last beer of the night, and Eddie joins him, quiet and contemplative.

'I'm not a bully.' He says. 'I'm not like my dad.'

And Wayne just looks at him, smile on his face.

'I know.' He says. 'But you can't force everyone to like only your things, son. Just because you don't like football or basketball doesn't mean your friends have to feel the same.'

And Eddie thinks about it. He thinks about it for days. Steve never really complains. Sure he makes comments now and again, but Eddie's taken that as 'Steve's jock side coming out' instead of 'Steve just being frustrated, bored and lonely'. And Eddie can't ignore the feeling that he's actually the one being a total dick right now.

Steve's learnt his lesson. Eddie hasn't.

Steve 'the former douchebag' Harrington is a great guy, and Eddie is unconsciously taking advantage of it to validate himself. He feels like shit.

So he goes to Steve and apologises. But Steve's confused. He still thinks he needs to make reparations for his high school years, like he's conforming in their group as a penance. And Eddie hates himself a little more, because what the fuck. That's what Steve thinks of himself? And Eddie's partially responsible for enabling that, for letting the kids make him feel like that.

So he apologises again, and tell Steve that he's not gong to let it slide anymore. That if he ever wants to go and do something he enjoys, Eddie's down for it. That Steve doesn't need to be at D&D if he wants to watch the sports instead.

He also stops mocking Steve's taste in music, stops trying to force his own music on everyone else, and steps in whenever any of the kids try to do the same. And pretty damn quickly, Steve starts flourishing.

He and Eddie take the kids to the basketball courts, and Steve tries to teach them how to play, before giving up and going 1v1 with Lucas while the others just bounce the spare ball between them and make up their own game. It's fun, and completely outside Eddie's comfort zone, but it's fun.

Steve gets the confidence to start negotiating Eddie's campaign nights when there's an important game on the TV. Half the kids want to watch it with Wayne, Hopper (and weirdly enough, Mrs Henderson). Eddie usually joins them but either reads his book, sits at the table painting his minis, or falls asleep on Steve's lap. Sports just don't interest him, but that's ok too.

It's compromise.

[depravity-n-savagery]

「 Leave Out All The Rest 」

✝ Pairings: Billy Hargrove x (fem)Reader

✝ Summary: Billy goes missing after another fight with Neil, and you're left to search for him on your own. (A song fic based around 'Leave Out All The Rest' by Linkin Park)

✝ CW: ANGST, parental abuse, depression, allusions to the possibility of suicide (its not explicitly mentioned), self loathing, unofficial death, doesn't fit the exact timeline of the show

🛑 +18 Minors DNI 🛑

✝ Word Count: 4.8k

✝ A/N: The way this story ends depends on which one of the possibilities you choose to believe (and how sad you want to be). Read the content warning, and buckle up. The Pain Express is taking off again.

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

"Billy? BILLY?!" 

The trees rustled in the soft breeze, carrying your voice through the empty woods. Empty. Regardless of how panicked you sounded over the phone, or how you didn't even bother hiding your sobs when you asked - no, begged - for help… nobody came. Not Nancy Wheeler. Not Johnathan Byers. Damn sure not Steve Harrington. So you combed through the crunchy fallen leaves and eerie silence alone. Stumbling through the darkness. 

Where the hell could he be? It wasn't like Billy to go this long without talking to you. Even when he was upset. He may give you the silent treatment to your face, but it's never gone a full day without a single word. A hug. A kiss... What you'd do for just a kiss right now. To have him here and see that stupid cocky grin of his. That sandy hair and those pretty eyelashes. Eyelashes that were wet with tears the last time you saw them. That's what had you worried. 

"Billy!! Please…" The sobs were harder to hold back now. Crumbling under the thought that maybe he was gone. Did he get into some kind of car wreck? Did he skip town altogether? Did Neil do something unspeakable and cover it up? You wouldn't put it past him. The only reason you hadn't immediately called the cops was because the first person they would contact is Neil. Neil, who would twist the narrative and tell them whatever he wanted them to believe. That Billy was a 'trouble child' and probably ran off with some girl or to get into mischief. The authorities will eat it up because it's believable, and because it doesn't disrupt their perfect suburban small-town flow. They've been desperate to bring Hawkins back to 'normal' after Will and Barbara went missing. 

All there was left to do was return home and figure out your next step. Something. Anything, to find him and make sure he's safe. 

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here?

Billy embraced and loathed the silence currently surrounding him. For once it wasn't filled with Neil's venomous insults and orders. No criticism. However it left him open to an assault of his own doing. The swirl of his own deepest thoughts. Doing Neil's dirty work for him, even when he was on the other side of town. 

Maybe I deserve it.

The words crept through his mind, like a whisper. It wasn't loud. It didn't need to be, because he already believed them. He did deserve it. The fresh black eye and bruised ribs? Yup. The harsh words, telling him how much of a fuck up he was? Sure did. 

He shouldn't have sassed Neil, knowing the mood he was in. Knowing what the outcome would be. But fuck if it didn't feel good in the moment. To look his father in the eye when he demanded Billy go fetch Max from whatever friend's house she ran off to, and not flinch. To openly grimace at him and tell him to go fuck himself. Ooohh yes. It felt like winning the gold metal. Until Neil's fist brought him back to reality. 

Now here he was. Hiding out in his Camaro at Lover's Lake. Exactly like the coward he secretly was. Licking his wounds and avoiding the one thing he didn't deserve. You. Somehow, an asshole like him landed someone so fucking sweet and patient and caring. It made no sense, but he was too greedy to set you free. He enjoyed it too much - the way you loved him. It felt too good. Too good for him. 

The tears were rolling down his cheeks, heavier and heavier with every sinking realization. What has he really done worth remembering? Worth deserving you? Worth deserving anything? Clearly his mother didn't see the worth in him. The high school basketball team has moved on to the next star senior. His popularity was useless once graduation came and went. His sexual conquests (before you) yielded zero substance, minus the surprising ability to dodge disease and early fatherhood. 

The world would move on without him. Whether it was California or Hawkins. 

You would move on without him. 

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

This is so stupid, this is so stupid- 

He ignored the mantra in his head, turning up the music just enough to drown it out. If he was going to do this, really do this, then he had to see you. Had to steal one last kiss. Hear you say his name again. Sure, you'll be furious with him for making you worry like this. Probably curse him out a bit - but you'll forgive him. You always did. You were good like that. 

So he tightened his grip on the steering wheel and floored it, speeding down the familiar roads that led to your place. Lowering the volume of his radio only when he reached your street. By now your parents would be asleep, and he didn't want to wake them. Didn't want any chance of someone stopping the plan he had set in motion. 

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

There was no way you were going to get a wink of sleep. Not with your boyfriend out there somewhere, god knows where doing god knows what. There was no point in even trying. The map of Hawkins spread out across your bed was the main focus of your attention. Red X's marked in crude worn-out Sharpie littered the glossy paper. Showing the places you managed to search in one night. There's still so much ground to cover.

Then you heard the soft clink of something hitting your window. A pebble, you guessed. Or several. The noises came rapidly, and harder each time. 

"Billy?" You whispered into the night, practically yanking your window wide open. 

Thank the heavens above, you heard that gruff voice speak back. It's sad that you missed it so much more when you thought you'd never hear it again. "Yeah, I'm here baby. 'M comin' up." He dropped the rocks in his hands and started climbing his way up to your window. It was a terrible time to be awestruck by his physical strength, but it felt good. To just admire this man before the heaviness of the night resumed. Good thing he works out so damn much. 

In less than five minutes he was in your room, standing right in front of you like nothing happened. It set you off. "Where were you?!" You hissed at him, caught between wanting to scold him and wanting to hold him. The action would depend on his answer. 

"I had to get away for a while."

"Get- Get away?? You disappeared!" The shaking in your hands was unstoppable, spreading until your whole body was antsy. Prompting you to pace and run your hands through your hair. "I know.. you weren't here for when the Byers kid and Barbara went missing. But- weird shit happens here! I lost my friend, Billy." Your feet stopped, turned to lead as you remembered her smiling face. She was always so bright and beautiful. Elegant, really. She deserved so much better than what this shit town did to her. "I'll never see Barbara again, and if something like that happened to you I couldn't take it. Okay? So don't ever do some shit like this again!" 

Billy was a silent statue. He let you get it all out, absorbing your words and trying his best to let them sink in. No matter how much they hurt. It hurt to know that you cared so deeply for him. That'll only make it harder. 

"I'm sorry…" Was all he could manage. It was enough to soften you, and send you running into his embrace. Burying your face in his exposed chest, peeking out from the red half-buttoned shirt. He could feel the tears you let freely wet his skin. Hot and plentiful like the ones he shed in his car earlier. 

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shared what I've made

The next thing you noticed, once the flow of tears finally stopped, was his face. The now familiar signs of an altercation with his father. "Did he-" There wasn't really a point to asking him what happened. You already knew the answer. So with a sigh, you simply guided him to your bed. Sitting down beside him with the weight of tonight's events still dragging down the air in your lungs. Every breath felt strained and slow. 

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

It was painful to watch him try to hold it all together. Being the only person to ever really see him fall apart. You could tell he was fighting it. Just let it go. Billy was never that simple. "You know… you don't have to do that." 

"Do what?" He replied, barely looking at you through his peripheral vision. 

"Mask how you're feeling. I- We've been here before. You know it doesn't change the way I see you." Your hand raised to steady itself on his bicep. The muscle tensed under your touch. His whole body tensed. 

"Don't do that. Don't baby me." 

What did he want you to do? Just sit there and watch him hurt? Do nothing? That wasn't in you. You knew him enough to know he wouldn't want that either. "Why is this always such a fight with you?" The leftover anger seeped back into your words. "I just spent the whole night out in the woods, and all over Hawkins looking for you! I should be pissed off-" 

"You are pissed off."

"-BUT, here I am. Sitting beside you. Just wanting to hold you and love you. Goddamn it Billy, why do you make it so hard for me to just love you??" 

The wind whistles through the open window. Not solely to blame for the chill you feel in your bones. The ice in Billy's cold blue stare as he looks right at you. "Sorry I'm so hard to love." 

No… You go to touch him again, but he shrinks away from you. Standing and going back to the window. "Wait, Billy please. I didn't mean it that way. Baby, you know that." 

He was already halfway out the window when the panic returned. There was still so much left unsaid. Unfinished. If he leaves, you might not ever see him again. So in a final desperate move, you held on tight to his jacket. The worn leather scratching against your soft skin. 

"Y/n." The ice remained, so detached and void of affection. Like you were just a stranger on the street. "Let me go."

Your breathing was erratic, coming out of your mouth is sharp gasps. You kept your hold on him tight. Gripping on like his life depended on it. "Please don't. Please." There were too many thoughts to make sense of. Too many possibilities. But the alarm bells were clear. Something was very wrong. "I'm scared, Billy! Please don't make me let go."

He was your life raft, in the ocean of anxiety starting to pull you under. Or were you his? It felt like this tug of war was more for his survival than yours. That only made you more determined to keep pulling. Not caring if he protested. You will drag him out of his grave kicking and screaming if you must. Besides, with him hanging on to the side of your house, he had no free hand to fight you. 

"Y/n… I've never hurt you." At least in the physical sense. Not any pain that didn't involve the act of sex. He was set on not mimicking his father in that particular way. Anymore. You brought that out in him. So much that he even eased up on Max a little. Looking back on the way he had gripped her wrist almost a year ago, made him feel sick. Sickened because he remembered California. Remembered Neil's hand on his mother's wrist just the same. "Don't make me force this. Let. Me. Go." A more unhinged version of himself would've already ripped himself out of your grasp. It was in him. Just beneath the surface. 

This was the last thing you wanted. A scolding, maybe. He deserved that much. A full-blown fight was never the plan. How naive of you. Things with Billy rarely go as you plan. You didn't even plan on falling in love with him. A love that stabbed you when you allowed your fingers to loosen up and release his jacket. Whispering the last bit of strength. "I love you." 

"I know." 

He climbed back down to his Camaro, without a second glance. Looking back would risk it all. It could break him. Make him turn back on this whole plan altogether. You made him too weak. Weakness won't help him where he's going. "I love you too." He whispered back, once he was safely hidden away in his car. Drowned out by the rumble of him peeling off down the street. 

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

For once, the dangerous way he sped down the road brought no thrill, or even a cocky sense of pride. He usually felt above it all. Above Hawkins, and its lack of upgraded name brands, beaches, and city structures. Too much grass, not enough sun, and the place reeked of cow shit. In a way, his Camaro kept the line in the sand. He's not from here. He's not one of them.

Until that's just what he became. Or he thought he did. He thought he became a part of Hawkins, despite his constant fights against it. He won basketball games for and with them. Partied hard with them. Begrudgingly helped some of his teammates with their basic ass school work, so they wouldn't get kicked off the team. Helped teach their twerps how to swim, and even saved the occasional milf from purposely 'almost drowning' for his attention. Then, like the final nail in his coffin, he even fell in love with a Hawkins girl. Built roots here. Silently made plans. Got used to the cold.

Maybe it was karma that Hawkins didn't accept him. After all, none of it's other residents (besides you) were looking for him. Not the teammates he helped. Not the horny mothers of the kids he helped. None of the people who once showered him with praise. 

I was right. Hawkins would move on without me. 

You wouldn't. He couldn't lie to himself about that anymore. Not after seeing the way you begged him not to leave. Time will just have to heal that wound on its own. He could hope that the little folded piece of paper in his back pocket might help. 

On his way down the dark road, shadowed by large trees, he took a quick peek at the rearview mirror. Tilting it down a little so he could assess the damage to his face. Of course Neil would always aim for one of the things he took pride in. After reviling him for putting effort into the way he looks, whenever Neil caught him in front of the mirror. Thankfully the bruises always fade, and he's never left any permanent physical scars. 

In a flash, something heavy landed on his windshield. It put him on high alert, swerving off the street in an immediate action to get the 'thing' off his car. Not the first thing he'd do if he were a little more prepared, and had time to think. Nobody plans for something like this. 

"Ugghh.. fuckin' piece of shit!" Billy yelled, slamming his hand down on the dashboard. The car skidded roughly into a cluster of bushes and rocks, just outside of some abandoned steel mill. His precious vehicle stuttered and creaked, windshield severely cracked by whatever the hell hit it. With a frustrated grunt, he got out to look it over. There was no way a squirrel and some bushes caused this much destruction. The thing didn't look big enough to be a deer when he caught that glimpse of it. 

No. Crashing his car in the middle of nowhere near an abandoned steel mill wasn't part of the plan. 

Neither was the two seconds of his heart stopping, once he felt something slither around his ankle and tighten. 

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

It was six in the morning when you got the call. The sun had just started to filter in through your curtains, and for a moment you forgot what happened last night. The haze of sleep was still halfway blurring your vision. It helped that your eyes were too puffy and sore to open fully. 

Riiiing!! Riiiing!!

The cream-colored phone on your nightstand woke up the headache that was waiting for you. Screaming its high pitched battle cry and cutting off your peaceful moment. No amount of hours spent weeping have ever gone by without consequence. You stuck your arm out from under your blanket cocoon and felt around until your fingers wrapped around the shaking receiver. Jeeez, make it stop! 

"Hello?" You croaked into the phone.

"Is this Y/n?" 

The soft female voice was familiar, but you couldn't quite put your finger on who it belonged to. Whoever it was sounded young. Younger than anyone you'd usually associate with. "Yeah, uh that's me. Do I know you?" 

"No…" The girl sniffled. Was she crying? You weren't sure, but you thought you heard a small whimper. "We- He never brought you around, so I guess we didn't get to meet. But I found your number on this-" Yup, she was crying. The way she kept trying to swallow it down and continue her sentence reminded you of… "It's Max."

Oh shit. Billy. 

"Max?" It was back all over again. Your heart couldn't seem to catch a break from its high-speed marathon. "Is something wrong with Billy?" 

There was shuffling on the other end of the phone. A few seconds of distant shouting, then Max was back. Speaking in a hushed tone. "I can't talk about it here. Can I come to you? Like, now?" 

You were sprouting up from your mess of blankets before you could even answer. Hurrying to get dressed as you gave her your address. Turns out you lived close to one of her friends, so it would be easy for her to find you. Fifteen minutes tops. Just enough time to straighten up the messy state your room was in. The Hawkins map was still sprawled out, thrown onto the floor by you kicking your way out of bed. Markers scattered. A few trinkets tossed around in last night's meltdown were here and there, all over the place. Billy may not have been super fond of the little girl, but she was 'family' all the same. In a way. You weren't sure where your relationship with Billy stood, but you still felt the need to make a good impression. Who knows? You could be meeting your future sister-in-law. 

Wouldn't that be nice? Marrying that man. Maybe a beach wedding, so he could be reunited with the waves he spoke so fondly about. Honeymooning under the sun, curled up together in a hammock. Far away from Hawkins. Far away from his father. That asshole wouldn't get an invitation. You'd probably elope. All you ever needed was each other. He was more than enough. 

Sweet fantasies, to keep you from spiraling over what could possibly be so urgent. 

Forgetting

All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well

Max made it to your door in ten minutes. Wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand, while the other hand hoisted her skateboard up to her hip. Without waiting for her to introduce herself or even ask to come inside, you stepped out of her way so she could enter. Your mother wasn't due back from her overnight shift for at least another two hours. Overtime was a bitch, but it kept the lights on. 

At first she just stood there, looking down at her hands as she picked at the skin around her nail. "I-…" Her voice was breaking. "...The cops called us this morning. About two hours ago. They found… Billy's car. It was on fire, near the old steel mill. No sign of Billy, but they found this in the seat. Said it must've fell out of his pocket." 

She held out a folded piece of paper, burned a little at the bottom of the page. The words she spoke were still sitting on the surface of your mind. They found Billy's car… no sign of Billy… You took the note, handling it with more care than a parent holding a newborn baby. The crisped burnt section tinted your fingertips with small bits of ash. 

'Hey, baby Y/n, 

I don't know when you're gonna read this, and I don't even know what to say. But I have to say SOMETHING. So I'll cut to the point. I didn't do this because I don't love care about you or whatever. I do. So much I almost didn't go through with it. But it's the best thing. For me, and for everyone who ever knew me. I just need to disappear. 

So dont bother looking for me or anything. Look out for the little shithead, if you can. I put your number on her bed before I left. She can be a bitch sometimes, but you have a habit of liking assholes so she'll fit right in. 

I'm sorry I didn't-' 

The last two or three lines were badly singed, and completely unreadable. Eaten away by flames with no way to recover them. An abrupt and sharp cut, cruelly mimicking the situation in its entirety. What conclusion could you come to? Did he run away and leave Hawkins? Did he get hurt in a car crash? Or did he…

The final possibility punched you, pulling out a scream you didn't realize you were holding in. Your knees met the hardwood floor with bruising force. Still clutching the note in your hand, you held yourself, dry heaving between sobs. Max's skateboard fell as she knelt by your side, joining you in grief and confusion. Letting her small arms awkwardly wrap around your shoulders. You two didn't know each other at all, but right now you were the only two that understood each other. The only ones that heard the news of William 'Billy' Hargrove's disappearance and felt the loss. 

Pretending

Someone else can come and save me from myself

It was only a week until the authorities changed his case from a 'Missing Person's' to 'An Accidental Death'. Hopper barely had any say in the matter, regardless of his position. Even he had an overhead. No matter how much he argued "The kid is probably still out there. We didn't find a body or any blood." The mayor, and an unnatural amount of shifty looking men in dark suits, ended all searches. Billy's father even had a pathetically small and cheap funeral service. Gave him an empty plot in the cemetery, and a headstone. Then ran away in the middle of the night, like the coward he is. Just left Max and her mom all alone with no support. 

That's where you came in. 

You couldn't house them, unfortunately - You and your own mom were barely getting by - but you always brought food to their trailer. When you got your license, you drove Max to and from school. You let her sleep over at your place whenever her mom got drunk. You gave her whatever clothes you couldn't fit anymore. It was Billy's final wish, and he was right. She did fit right in. In no time the two of you were inseparable. Which meant also coming to know her crew of friends too. Shining a new light on the way you saw Steve, Nancy and Jonathan. Although you'd always hold a bit of resentment towards them. Deep inside. Maybe, if they'd cared when you first called them, he would still be here. You may not have had all the friends you do now, but you'd have him. That would've been enough.

You vented to Max about it often. How much it killed you that his disappearance did in fact make multiple things 'better' in your life. It filled you with more rage than you could stand, and you'd even picked up smoking to cope. Laughing at the irony, since you tried many times in vain to make Billy kick the habit. 

Billy…he deserved so much more than to be this town's sacrificial lamb. 

I can't be who you are…

Max gasped when she heard the sound of your car approaching. It was loud enough to hear, before you even entered the trailer park. Music blaring, and an arm lazily slung out of the window with a lit cigarette between your fingers. It was something she still worked on getting used to. It's not him… She grabbed onto her backpack with a sigh and made her way outside. Whispering a 'see you later' to her mom, slumped over and snoring on the couch. Empty beer cans cluttering up the space between her and the television. 

"Someone's gonna be late for their first day of high school if she doesn't move her ass!" You called out in a playful voice, honking the horn until you saw her close and lock the trailer door behind her. It was eerie, getting into your Camaro. It wasn't the exact shade of blue as Billy's, but it was blue nonetheless. Cost you half of the college fund you never planned on actually using for college, and a LOT of searching to get it. You refused to buy any other car. This one was special to you. 

"Someone's in a mood today." Max mumbled, shutting the passenger's side door gently. She could still hear the way Billy cursed when she slammed it, the first time he'd given her a ride. 

You smiled at her, happy to be a part of her journey into the teenage jungle known as high school. "Buckle up, Buttercup. It's about to be a big day for you."

"I'll buckle up if you never call me that again." Max couldn't help but grin through her sarcasm. 

"Deal." 

Dust kicked up as you sped away. Nowhere near as recklessly fast as Billy's driving, but Max was there earlier than she needed to be. Leaving with a wave and a promise to see you later. The promise made your gut wrench. You've heard it before. Now twice you've had that promise go unfulfilled. 

Where do you go for the next few hours? Your usual spot. Parked outside of that abandoned steel mill. Smoking and bawling your eyes out. Some days you'd even ponder the idea of entering that dark place. Maybe he got hurt and went inside to find shelter or supplies to help? It made no sense. There'd likely be no medical supplies in an abandoned place like this. Billy would know that. He's smart. Nobody even knew what it was that hit his car and caused it to catch fire. Or they didn't tell the public what they knew. 

Maybe Billy went in there to… A darker thought entered your mind, and you refused to entertain it. It's that thought that kept you from ever searching inside. Afraid that you just might find him. Or what was left. Snuffing out any small hopes that he was out in California somewhere, living a happy new life.

The building in question creaked, echoing throughout the empty space inside and out. Settling, and wailing under the faint pressure from the breeze. There was something else. A light…tapping? A shuffle? Something. Something was inside there. Something that made a chill run down your spine. 

You could almost hear Billy's voice in the back of your head. Calling you a dumbass for even thinking about looking inside. Looking for him. Whatever it was, it scared you. Plus, Max would be looking for you in an hour. No time to play adventurer today. 

Even when you were long gone, and back on your way to Hawkins High School. The old steel mill creaked and something within its walls was gurgling. Squelching and slithering across the floor of the basement. Waiting for it's next opportunity to grow. 

✝ A/N: Holy smokes, this is the longest one I've written so far. ♡ I'd love to hear whatever conclusions you come to, on how the story ends. As always, feedback and reblogs are appreciated. ✨️ Hugs for everyone! Especially after reading this. 😬

Masterlist, Ao3 ☆

[burgundybmw]

Munson's Mixtape

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Cunningham!Reader

Word Count: 6,058

Warnings: Discussions of sex (PG-13, not 18+), Shower sex (this is 18+! If you don't want to read it, or are under 18, skip past the *** and begin again at the second ***. I tried to make it realistic, so be warned hahaha), Consent is mandatory!! (and can be sexy too).

Summary: Chrissy has been acting weird, and like a good big sister Y/N drives to Hawkins from Notre Dame to check in on her. Only to find out she has plans to meet up with Eddie Munson. Things take a turn for the worse and now Y/N gets wrapped in to the horrors of Hawkins. Hey, at least she has the company of the guitarist she was sweet on back in high school for comfort.

Author’s Note: I honestly didn't intend for this chapter to be so spicy, but it sort of got away from me. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Track Twenty One

"Roses? For me? You shouldn't have sweetheart" Y/N didn't understand how Eddie could be in such high spirits. It was a close call, the doctors had to perform emergency surgery on him when Y/N, Steve, Robin, and Nancy dragged him to the hospital. His heart stopped for 86 seconds before they revived him. For 86 seconds Eddie was dead. For 86 seconds Y/N lived in a world without him in it. The surgeon said that he would have died if she didn't stop the bleeding when she did. He was still at risk for infection, but everything was healing well thus far.

"Eddie..." her voice was cracking, tears threatening to fall. She felt stupid. He was alive, he was healing in the hospital, she should be relieved. Everything was going to be okay. She gave her statement to the police, they weren't after Eddie anymore, the horrors of the Upside Down were at bay. Why couldn't she stop crying? Why was this guilt consuming her?

"Come here" Eddie opened his arms out, and she immediately ran towards him. The roses she brought were abandoned on the floor, before she carefully molded herself around him in the small hospital bed. She hated the smell of disinfectant on his skin, the smell of old blood around his neck. It made her sick.

"Don't know why you keep shedding tears for me Princess, I'm alright..." Eddie said as he wrapped his arms around her. Y/N focused on the sound of his heart, how it echoed on the electrocardiogram. Eddie was alive, he was okay, he would heal with time. She repeated that to herself over and over again the past 24 hours.

"Y/N? Come on talk to be sweetheart..." The floodgates were about to open, everything she wanted to say but couldn't. This was the first time she was able to see Eddie since he came here. She should be holding him, telling him she loved him, but she couldn't do that. She was hurt, frustrated, guilt ridden. Y/N lifted herself on the bed and swung her leg over, gripped both sides of Eddie's face, and kissed him right there in that small hospital bed. It wasn't the sweet kiss she should have gave, what Eddie deserved. She was pissed. Her lips pressed hard against his, biting, licking, gasping for air. Until she pulled back from him once again and unleashed some hellfire of her own.

"Never pull that bullshit with me again Edward Munson! You could have gotten yourself killed! Do you have any idea how horrible that was?! You almost made me watch someone I love die a second time! I swear to God, if you EVER put yourself in danger like that again I will beat your ass till you cry, do you understand me?!" Y/N's heavy breaths showered his face. She tried to sound intimidating, put the fear of God into the man below her, but the look on Eddie's face wasn't fear, not even close.

"Look, I know you're trying to be serious with me right now... but that was so fucking hot baby holy shit. I don't think I have enough blood in my body to spare it traveling south" Eddie said with a wolfish grin. He wasn't lying, Y/N could feel the evidence beneath her. She knew she should be upset, chastise him for making light of the situation, but it was so honestly Eddie that she couldn't find it within her to be angry.

"Are you serious right now?"

"As a heart attack" Y/N was about to give a lecture how that wasn't something to joke about but was interrupted by Eddie kissing her again. She decided she'd save the lecture for a different time, when he was safe at home and not stuck in a tiny hospital bed. She allowed herself to enjoy this, a gentle peace that filled the bubble she built around them. The taste of his mouth, the touch of his skin, the sound of his heartbeat grow faster on the monitor. After everything they'd been through, this was well deserved.

"Ahem" Y/N pulled herself away from Eddie to see who interrupted their moment, only to find a doctor standing in the doorway. He was the surgeon who saved his Eddie's life, Dr. Facinelli. He was looked at the young lovers with a twinkle in his eye, a slight smirk on his lips. Y/N could feel her body grow hot with embarrassment as she struggled to plant both her feet back on solid ground. Eddie looked like he didn't have a care in the world, the dumb smile he wore never left his face.

"I feel now is as good a time as any to tell you that intense physical activity isn't recommended for the next 6 weeks" Dr. Facinelli chuckled as he went to check Eddie's stitches. That's when the dumb smile slowly shifted into a look of pure horror, Eddie was clearly not thrilled with the news.

"Doc, come on man. Don't tell me that, anything but that" Eddie begged, and Y/N couldn't help the small giggle that escaped her lips.

"I'm sorry Mr. Munson, we can't risk reopening up your stitches or the burn marks getting infected. If you follow my aftercare instructions exactly you will heal faster, and then you can carry on with any physical activity your heart desires" The pointed look he shot Y/N wasn't missed, and she knew it was up to her to keep the man in the hospital bed in line, something she knew would be no easy task.

"Okay, okay, fine, but what counts as intense physical activity? What specifically can or can't I do?"

'This is going to be impossible', Eddie thought to himself. How he would manage to keep his hands off Y/N sounded like an Olympian sized ordeal. He needed to know all the dirty details of what he was allowed to get away with.

Dr. Facinelli hummed as he checked over Eddie's wounds, thinking carefully of his answer, "I would say that intercourse counts as intense physical activity, any harsh movements of your body that involves your neck is ill advised. The wounds around your arms and knees aren't as damaged and should be okay to move. Any perspiration should be cleaned quickly and efficiently to reduce risk of infection, as well as any other bodily fluids. Does that answer your question Mr. Munson?" Y/N couldn't look the doctor in the eye as he spoke, mortified by the discussion at hand.

"So I can't be on top or give head for 6 weeks... Christ..." Eddie began, much to Y/N's embarrassment, "but hand stuff is okay? And what if she was on top? Is that okay too?"

"Normally I would say it would be best to avoid it entirely, but I was a young man once myself, so I will try to give a realistic recommendation for you and your lovely lady over there" This was the least sexy conversation about sex Y/N has ever had.

"Throw me a bone here Doc, I'm begging you" Eddie looked like he was halfway ready to jump to his knees to do it.

"I would say with proper cleansing for both you and your partner before and after activities, those two options could be acceptable. I would still wait a week before engaging in that type of sexual intercourse, but 'hand stuff' as you put it is fine, and always use protection when engaging in intercourse. If at any point the wounds look infected, red, or hot to the touch you come back to the hospital immediately. If everything heals as it should, any physical activity is permissible after 6 weeks" Dr. Facinelli finished his assessment and gave Eddie the all clear to leave the hospital the next day, with a note to come back every Monday for the upcoming weeks.

Y/N was concerned about the amount of bills that would follow Eddie's visit, but the good doctor told them he was taking the case pro bono publico. Apparently, Dr. Facinelli was a good friend of Y/N's father, and he asked the surgeon to take on Eddie as a client as a favor. She was unaware that her father did that for her, for them. He didn't mention it when they spoke the previous day. It didn't surprise her; her father often threw money to solve problems or show affection. Normally it would bother Y/N, but she wouldn't refuse the olive branch he extended to her. Chrissy would have wanted her to try and fix their relationship, she always saw the good in people, even when she shouldn't. Y/N would do that for her, for Eddie, and for herself.

The kids stopped by Eddie's room shortly after Dr. Facinelli left, all of them were so excited to see how he was doing. Y/N gave Will a hug when he waltzed in last, feeling bad she didn't acknowledge him when she first stepped foot in the hospital. Mike had asked how they knew each other, and Will told him how she used to babysit him. Introductions were given, and Eddie was so excited to meet both Will and El, much to Mike's embarrassment. Apparently, Mike wouldn't shut up about the two of them during Hellfire meetings. Y/N noticed that Will got a bit quiet after he realized his friends joined another DnD party after he had left, but quickly jumped at the opportunity when Eddie asked if he wanted to join Hellfire.

"The campaign could use you Will the Wise, it would be an honor to have you"

Y/N loved how kind Eddie was, that even though he didn't know Will personally, he knew exactly what to say to make him feel welcomed. She knew Eddie and Will would get along well, just like he did with the rest of the kids. It wasn't hard to see how much they adored him. Dustin was beside himself when they first brought Eddie to the hospital, he cried for hours in Y/N's arms as they waited for news from the staff. His mom had to drag him home when he refused to leave the waiting room and came back as soon as Eddie was cleared for visitors. Y/N was upset she missed it at first, but she knew that speaking to Chief Powell about Chrissy's case was more important.

Steve, Robin, Nancy, and the kids all corroborated her story that Eddie was innocent. Lucas told Chief Powell how Jason had threatened him with a gun and nearly killed him. They embellished a few details, and due to Jason's demise in the old Creel house, the police considered it a closed case. It was disappointing how quickly they believed their story, how little effort they took to properly investigate her sister's murder. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but it kept Eddie out of prison. It was the only silver lining she could find.

After speaking with Uncle Wayne, Y/N picked up Eddie from the hospital and brought her to her house. Her parents had already packed up their belongings and moved to the Hamptons, so they had the space to themselves. Y/N had moved her belongings to the master bedroom, everything she packed away in Rick's car. She bought new linens and a comforter, and all the medical supplies Eddie would need.

The master bedroom had a large walk-in closet, more than enough space for their clothes. It also had a bathroom attached to the room, with a large bathtub, shower, and double sink, so Eddie didn't have to go far to use the facilities. The arrangement freaked Y/N out a bit first, sleeping in her parent's old bedroom. It was the only room in the house that fit their needs, and after changing the bedsheets and throwing up some of Eddie and her stuff, it felt more like theirs rather than her parents. Eddie was just amazed they could both sleep in the same bed with plenty of space. She reminded him about the Doctor's no intense physical activity rule, and Eddie threw a mild temper tantrum after the fact. It was sort of endearing, hearing him curse out the demobats and the medical staff.

"If you stop complaining, I'll let you take a shower with me" Y/N teased as she set down the last box of Eddie's stuff. The act was more out of necessity than pleasure, it hurt him to move his arms above his head. So, she knew it would be better to assist him then cause unnecessary strain, but he didn't need to know that.

"You won't hear a peep out of me sweetheart, not when that's on the table" Eddie replied, comically zipping his lips shut. Y/N walked over to the man in front of her and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I like hearing you talk, so don't shut up on my account, besides..." Y/N began, before softly whispering in Eddie's ear, "I like my men vocal."

She turned around and made her way to the bathroom, removing different articles of clothing with every step. Eddie stood motionless in front of the bed, eyes wide in shock. Y/N was down to just her underwear when she entered the bathroom threshold, her naked back exposed. He quickly shot his eyes up to look at her face, an action built from years of muscle memory. Then he realized he was allowed to look, he didn't need to hide from her, not anymore.

"Lucky for you I never shut up" Eddie replied before he could think better of it. It wasn't his proudest moment, or his smoothest, but it got a laugh out of her. He didn't know what deity blessed his ass to be given such a gift, but he wasn't about to take it for granted.

"Now, are you gonna just stand there and chit chat or are you gonna join me? I'm getting a bit cold here" Eddie didn't have to be told twice. He took off his clothes as quickly and carefully as he could, tossing the old bandages in the waste bin beside the bed. Y/N was already in the bathroom, the sounds of water running filling the space. It took him a few seconds to gather the nerve to walk in and join her. It would be the first time he saw the love of his life without clothes on, and it scared the shit out of him. He knew he looked gnarly, with all the stitches and burn marks. He was terrified that Y/N wouldn't like what she saw, but when he finally walked into the bathroom all that fear flew right out the window.

***

Because there she was, Y/N Cunningham, naked as the day she was born, in the shower only five feet away from him. The glass door to the shower hid nothing, the steam from the water not yet clouding his view. Her head was tilted back under the water, eyes closed as she washed her hair. Eddie watched the suds cascade down her body, and he definitely didn't have enough blood in his body to warrant the raging hard on he sported underneath his boxer shorts. It was the last article of clothing he had on, waiting for her to give the go ahead to completely strip down.

"Jesus Christ..." It sounded like a prayer coming out of his mouth. Y/N turned to look at him, her eyes bright and teasing.

"You can't shower with boxers on Eddie, you should probably take them off before you come with me" Y/N was certainly right about that. He could feel his cock twitch in his boxers, straining to be released from its cotton prison. Eddie slowly lowered the last bastion of his modesty, wincing as the fabric pulled on his cock. His boxers pooled at his ankles before he quickly kicked them away, Y/N's eyes followed the movement.

There was just the glass door separating them now, and Eddie watched as Y/N scanned every inch of his body. Her eyes widened when she saw how hard he was, and he couldn't help but feel a sense of pride when he saw her squeeze her legs together. That movement alone gave him the confidence to step into the shower with her, keeping enough space so he didn't poke her with it. Eddie thought it was the gentlemanly thing to do, but she wasn't having it. Y/N pressed her warm wet body against his and swallowed the heady groaned that escaped his lips.

"You're absolutely gorgeous" Y/N said in between kisses. Eddie could feel warmth blossom within him, and the praise washing over him like the water from the shower head. He kissed her harder, rubbing his hands wherever he could until it hurt. He fondled her tits, gripped her ass, rubbed up and down against her waist and back. Eddie never wanted to stop touching her, relished in the feeling of her skin against his. His hips moved of their own will, his cock rubbing against her middle. Y/N moaned into his mouth when he pressed against her clit, he was desperate to hear the sound again.

"Eddie" God in heaven he loved the sound of his name on her lips, especially like that. A soft, obscene whine that couldn't be contained. He rubbed against her harder, finding the rhythm that made her legs shake. Y/N's moans were getting louder and louder with every pass of his cock against her clit. Her nails dug into the skin of his back, a safe distance away from the wounds on his neck.

It nearly killed him when Y/N pushed herself away. Eddie was about to ask why before he saw her descend to her knees. Her hands trailed softly down his chest before she gripped the sides of his hips. He watched she stared at the flushed red tip of his cock, a small bead of pre-cum threatening to spill over. Y/N flicked her tongue against it and dragged it against her teeth. Eddie almost came right then and there.

"Can I?" Y/N asked sweetly, her head tilted to the side in a way that was much too innocent considering what she was doing to him.

"Fuck yea sweetheart" Eddie tried to come off as devil-may-care, but his breathlessness easily gave him away. Y/N giggled at his response, pressing gentle kisses down his shaft. No one had ever touched him like this before. Sex was always quick and dirty, a romp in the sheets until they finished. Y/N was taking her time with him, savoring him like he was something precious, like she loved him. Then she slowly dragged her tongue on the underside of his cock, and all coherent thoughts left Eddie's brain when she finally wrapped her lips around him.

Eddie could count on one hand the number of blowjobs he's had in his life, and none of them could compare to this. The heat of Y/N's mouth, her soft wet tongue swirling around the head, her hand rubbing up and down length of his cock where she couldn't reach, it was absolute bliss.

"Shit Y/N, your mouth is fucking incredible" Y/N moaned around his cock as he said it, and the vibrations nearly pushed him over the edge.

"Doing so good for me sweetheart, oh fuck" Eddie was getting dangerously close, and he couldn't stop the stream of babbles that flew out of his mouth, "Shit, you feel so good, you're so good at sucking my cock, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck" Y/N kept moaning around him, and Eddie desperately tried to hold himself back. It was too soon to be this close, they just got started. Then she started rubbing his balls, and Eddie could barely remember his own name let alone remember to keep himself from finishing too soon.

"Holy shit, I love you so much, you're fucking amazing, oh God, don't stop, please don't stop, just like that baby, oh fuck, I'm gonna cum, you gotta, fuck, gotta pull off or I'm gonna-"

Y/N didn't stop, she didn't pull out. She pushed Eddie's cock deeper into her throat and swallowed him whole. It propelled him right over the edge, a deep wanton groan ripped straight out of his throat, and the babbling never ceased as she took everything he had.

"I'm cumming, I'm cumming, oh shit, oh fuck, oh God, Y/N, Y/N, Y/N, fuck yes, yes, yes!" Eddie could feel himself spill down her throat, it just kept coming, and coming, and coming. Y/N swallowed every last drop of his little death, sucking the soul straight out of his cock. He knew it was much too fast, his stamina was usually much better than this, but the euphoria that flooded his veins lessened his shame of cumming too soon.

Y/N pulled off his cock with a slight pop, and Eddie swore he could cum again when he looked at the smug look on her face. Red hot embarrassment sank deep into his gut, and he couldn't stop the word vomit that followed after.

"I promise I normally don't cum that fast, you see, uh, it's been awhile, and holy shit that was good, like really fucking good, and I haven't jerked off in like two weeks, so, I'm honestly kind of surprised I didn't cum the second you started to blow me, which I probably shouldn't have told you, but my head is kind of fuzzy right now so if you could please shut me up I'd appreciate that-" Y/N pressed her thumb against his lips, and Eddie nearly collapsed in relief.

"It's okay Eddie, no need to feel embarrassed" she says as if that wasn't embarrassing enough, "I wanted to make you feel good. That was for you because I love you, I promise I'm not upset" Eddie moved to kiss her, but she turned away at the last second.

"If you're not upset, why can't I kiss you?" Eddie asked, his voice nearly frantic. He was terrified he fucked up his first intimate moment with her, and that she might never want to do that with him again. It would be her choice and he'd respect that, but deep down he knew he'd never forgive himself if he ruined everything.

"Eddie my love, I just swallowed your cum... You could probably taste it still. I know most guys think that’s gross, it's okay to wait a bit" As much as his heart soared with the endearment, and how relieved he felt knowing he didn't screw up, he couldn't help but feel slightly peeved with the last statement. It took everything in him not to roll his eyes with how nonsensical it was.

"Most guys are fucking cowards then. You just gave me the honor and privilege of putting my dick in your mouth, and now I want to kiss you til my lungs start to collapse from lack of oxygen. You think I care if I can taste it? Quite honestly, it sounds super fucking hot. So, are you gonna let me kiss you or what, sweetheart?" The second Eddie saw her head nod yes, he gripped both sides of her face and crashed their lips together. He could taste the salty essence of himself on her tongue and swallowed every gasp that escaped her swollen lips.

Normally, Eddie would have dropped down to his knees and ate her out like a man starved, but Doc told him it was forbidden for the next six weeks. He believed in returning the favor the same way it was given, even if he was often left hanging on that front. Eddie didn't want Y/N to settle for anything less, but if he wanted to avoid another trip to the hospital, he'd have to deal with using his fingers instead.

He trailed his hand from her face down her neck, lightly passing over her chest. He gave her breasts a light squeeze before trailing down her stomach. Eddie could feel the trimmed hairs of her pussy underneath his fingertips, mere inches away from where he needed to be. He was just about to press down on her when Y/N gripped his wrist, halting his movements.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want to, I'm fine with just taking care of you. If it's too much trouble I can take care of myself later" What Y/N didn't want to tell him is that none of her other partners had ever made her finish before, and she didn't want Eddie to be disappointed if he couldn't either. He had just gotten out of the hospital, still healing from the attack of the demobats. Under other circumstances she wouldn't feel bad letting him try, but she didn't want him to overexert himself trying to do something she could easily do herself.

"I want to sweetheart, more than fucking anything. If you don't want me to that's fine, but don't stop me because you think it's too much trouble. It's the least bit, and I would love watching you cum on my hand" Y/N felt the sharp intake of breath fill her lungs, her pussy throbbing at Eddie's words. She'd be lying to herself if that wasn't exactly what she wanted too. The nod of her head was slight, her nerves nearly getting the better of her.

"Use your words sweetheart, yes..." Eddie slightly inched his way down, "...or no" and quickly pulled his hand back. Y/N gripped his wrist harder and pulled him against her, a high-pitched whine escaping her lips.

"Yes Eddie, please!"

"As you wish" Eddie pushed his middle finger inside her, pumping the digit in and out slowly as he went deeper. Y/N flung her head back, banging it against the ceramic wall of the shower. A shock of pain hit her skull, but she ignored the feeling entirely. She hadn't been touched in so long, and most of her past partners didn't take the time for foreplay before they went right in. She felt him move his other hand to cradle her head as he pushed his ring finger inside her. Despite the warm water cascading around them, she could feel an entirely different wetness between her thighs.

Eddie started to move his thumb between her folds, just slightly off target from her clit. Each brush rubbed against the side of it, and Y/N whined with neediness. He was so close, so close to touching her right where she wanted him to.

"Is it good for you baby? Am I making you feel good?" Eddie asked, voice deep and husky. Even when asking her a question he sounded confident, sure of himself. Something must have flashed across her face, a look that gave away that he wasn't quite there.

"You gotta tell me how to please you Y/N, it's okay, just tell me where" Y/N hesitated, nobody had ever asked that of her that before. She assumed the men she was with would get insecure if she said anything, but here Eddie was, asking her what to do. Not an ounce of insecurity in his voice.

"Can you move your thumb up a little bit? And to the left?" Eddie followed her instructions, pleasure washing over her as he got closer to her clit.

"Here?" Eddie's eyes were dark, his pupils nearly blacking out the chocolate iris she loved so much, so honest with their intensity. It was hard to look at him, with the water running down his face and his fingers knuckle deep inside her, like staring straight into the sun.

"A little more to the left" Y/N whined, her eyes not leaving his. Eddie moved his thumb a mere centimeter, and stars shot out behind her eyes.

"Right there! Don't stop! Right there, Eddie!" She gripped his forearm with both hands, digging her nails into the skin. His thumb was rubbing tight circles around her clit, the two fingers in her pussy pumping faster and faster. Y/N could feel her legs begin to shake; momentarily afraid she'd collapse onto the shower floor from the blazing inferno swirling deep inside her.

"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, don't stop, please don't stop, right there, right there," she was begging like a bitch in heat, not an ounce of shame within her as she could feel her orgasm creep up on her. She was so close; no man had ever made her this close before. Eddie kept that rhythm, desperate to see her finish.

"You're close now sweetheart, I can tell. Your pussy is throbbing, just itchin' to cum. I know you want to, you wanna cum so fucking bad. Right on the edge. You're so fucking wet baby, totally soaking my hand, you want me to make you cum? Is that what you want Princess?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Please Eddie, make me cum, I wanna cum so bad!" Y/N could feel tears pool in her eyes, threatening to fall with every brush of Eddie's thumb on her clit.

"Then cum for me Y/N, cum right fucking now" Eddie bit down right where her neck met her shoulder, like a vampire in the night. Y/N keened with pleasure, and felt him curl his fingers deep inside her. He pressed against something she never felt before and lightening shocked down her spine. He kept rubbing that same spot and she felt her orgasm crash over her like the snap of thunder.

"Oh God, yes! Fuck, Eddie I'm cumming! Oh, oh, oh," Y/N screamed, her head thrown back in ecstasy, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

He worked his fingers inside her, waves of pure rapture consuming her whole. Eddie kissed, licked, and sucked on her neck as she came down from her high, her whole body vibrating from the aftershock. Once her orgasm finally ebbed away, he pulled his fingers out and stuck them in his mouth, licking them clean.

"I will say, no one's ever thanked me before. That's a first for me sweetheart" Eddie teased, popping the digits out of his mouth.

"Well, no one has ever made me cum before, so it's a first for both of us I guess" She was still trying to catch her breath, her heart still pounding heavily against her chest. Eddie scrunched his eyebrows at her comment, a small scowl on his lips filled with distaste.

"A part of me wants to say I'm sorry no one has treated you the way you deserved, but my ego is way too satisfied with knowing I'm the one who gets to do it now" Eddie replied with a smug grin.

"Alright Tiger, slow your roll. We've got to get cleaned up now or Dr. Facinelli is gonna be on your ass for infected wounds because we didn't listen" Eddie chuckled at the reprimand, placing a soft kiss on Y/N's pouty lips.

"Whatever you want sweetheart, I'm all yours"

***

It took longer than Y/N would like to get them both cleaned up, too many distractions and wandering hands to get the job done efficiently. After they stepped out of the shower, she carefully rubbed medicine over Eddie's stitches and put new bandages on. They got dressed into their pajamas in comfortable silence, content with the afterglow they both felt.

Y/N helped Eddie down the stairs to the living room and plopped him on the couch. After she made sure he was comfortable, she walked towards the landline right beside the television stand. She was far too tired to cook anything, so pizza would have to do. Once her order was placed she took her spot next to Eddie on the couch and turned the TV on, some mindless show to fill the silence in the room. He placed his hand on her thigh, rubbing gentle circles into her skin. It was then she realized she never felt so at peace in her own home, and she wished Chrissy was here so she could share it with her. Y/N hoped her sister had found her own peace now that Vecna was gone. She followed that train of thought before Eddie interrupted her with a question she didn't want to answer.

"So, what are we going to do now? Are you going back to Notre Dame?" Eddie asked, his eyes glued to the TV screen.

"Why? Sick me already Eddie?" She didn't know why he was asking this now, after everything that happened.

"Of course not sweetheart, if it were up to me I'd stay in bed with you forever," Eddie paused, taking a deep sullen breath, "but I know you have to go back to school. You're way too smart not to, and I'd hate for your grades to suffer because of me. I just... I just wanted to know how long I have to keep you for myself until you go back"

Y/N knew he was right, it had been nearly two weeks of class she'd missed. She called her professors the day before, telling them that her sister had been murdered and the police needed help with the investigation. She also called her roommate Maya, who was absolutely beside herself with worry, telling her she was alright.

They were all understanding, and told her to if she missed another week, it wouldn't affect her GPA too much. Each of her professors said they'd work with her on catching up, that it would take a decent amount of extra work, but it was possible to do. Fortunately, she didn't miss any exams, her last midterm was the day before Chrissy died. None of that comforted her though, the thought of leaving Eddie was too painful to think about. She knew it wasn't healthy to be this clingy, but his near-death experience was still fresh in her mind.

"I'm allowed another week off before I have to go back. I don't have classes on Mondays, so I can drive back to Hawkins on the weekends and drive back Monday night. Cheerleading practice is on Tuesdays and Fridays, so I'd probably come straight from there" It wasn't the best solution. She'd be spreading herself thin with keeping up with everything, but it had to be done.

"That sounds like a lot of work sweetheart, I don't wanna be a burden to you" She didn't know how Eddie could possibly see himself as a burden, he was the best thing in her life. Y/N placed a chaste kiss on her lips and gently placed some of his damp hair behind his ear.

"You could never be a burden Eddie, ever. I love you, and I'm doing this because I love you. Relationships can be a lot of work, but you're worth it. I promise I'm going to be fine" He didn't look very satisfied with her answer, a small frown on his face.

"You'll take a break if you need it though, right? If you're too stressed out or too tired, please stay on campus. You have to take care of yourself first..." Eddie began, rubbing his hand up and down her thigh, "once the six-week sentence is done, I'll come up to visit you. I don't want you doing all the work to come see me"

"You'd miss Hellfire to come spend the weekend with me Eddie?" Y/N watched as he opened his mouth and closed it again, clearly not thrilled with her question.

"I promise I'll drive up right after Hellfire, I've postponed enough of them as is. But we can still spend the night together in your dorm room when I get there. Hopefully your roommate won't be too annoyed with my ass constantly loitering around" Y/N knew he would never postpone Hellfire for her, and she didn't expect him too. It was nice to hear his honest answer, and it made her feel better knowing there was some type of plan.

"I'm sure Maya would love you, and so would the rest of my friends. I can't wait to introduce them to you! They can be a little too much at times, but I'm sure you can handle it" Y/N chuckled, imagining introducing Eddie to her cheer friends. She knew he'd get along with the DnD group, but a bunch of Notre Dame cheerleaders bombarding him with questions might be a lot.

"Have you met me sweetheart? Too much is my middle name"

"Edward 'Too Much' Munson?" Y/N asked.

"Damn right"

[supermoviemaniac]

Rest in Peace, Stan.

We're all human and are the same in that respect, but it's our creativity that makes us unique and what helps our personality resonate. Creativity and imagination cannot be bought or taken - it's there from the get go - we all have it. Most of us go about our lives suppressing our flair however, whether it's on purpose, in fear of what others will think of it, or unintentionally, courtesy of being conditioned to be nothing more than mundane "9 to 5" drones from the cot to the grave.

Imagine people capable of such unparalleled imagination that it literally changes/shapes and influences the world, pioneering the majority of pop culture. Stan Lee, amongst the likes of Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby to name a few, didn't allow their creativity to be suppressed, but sadly, every superhero's story has a final page.

Stan Lee sadly passed today at the commendable age of 95. You'd think he'd be able to enjoy his final golden years relaxing, witnessing the millions of people's lives he'd influenced, reflecting on all the amazing things he'd done... but life being as cruel as it is, pneumonia proved to be a difficult battle. Seemingly in the eventual clear, alleged claims of elder abuse were filed against the people closest to him, including greedy family members and 'carers' - the people he should've been able to trust the most. If that wasn't enough, he had to file a lawsuit against one of his own companies... all whilst losing his wife the year before, having been married for an incredible 69 years. He deserved a better retirement than that, yet he STILL went to conventions for the sake of meeting fans and showing how much he cared, sitting for hours to say hello and sign things. Though most people will never reach such an age, let alone acomplish anything close to what he's done, am I selfish to wish that he'd been given another 100 years? Regardless, his legacy lives on in the form of his creations, and you don't have to be a genius to know that the superheroes and stories he left behind for us aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

Most current creators are probably only doing what they're doing now because of him, let alone all the up and coming ones that are yet to follow in Stan's footsteps. Speaking for myself, the things I've done and the things I'm interested in are what they are because of him. I wouldn't have written stories if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have a Marvel blog consisting of 75,000 followers just like me if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have a tiny bedroom ridiculously doused in Marvel collectibles, clothing, posters, comics, and movies if it wasn't for him. Me and my younger sister wouldn't have a common interest (that's borderline religious) if it wasn't for him. I remember being beyond obsessed with Spider-Man as kid, to the point where I used to pick up spiders in the hopes that they'd bite me so I could swing on webs and climb walls. I remember being 7 years old, literally praying to God that I could be Spider-Man, and I remember how dissapointed I was when nothing happened!

One of my favourite things he said in response to being asked why people love superheroes so much was (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I wanted to make stories that are magical and fantastical. Superheroes are a different take on fantasy," and it's exactly that. Life sucks, and I know I probably shouldn't rely on a single entertainment company to provide me with my fix of escapism, but I'm too far gone, and I fear my younger sister is too, haha! You don't hear us complaining though, and I wouldn't change my interests in the slightest. "Escapism" wasn't an overstatement either. I live and breathe this stuff, it's ridiculous... and it probably annoys people around me that aren't as fanatic, but I don't care. These superheroes come in all shapes and sizes, come from all walks of life and have powers beyond belief - everyone has a favourite hero, and mine's Stan Lee; his superpower being the ability to change my life among others, making weirdos like myself feel special. A true modern 'Marvel' if there ever was one. I'll never feel as though you're no longer with us, because you and your imagination is here forever. You'll live on in the hearts and minds of people like myself. I can never come close to explaining to anyone just how much Marvel has shaped me. Rest in peace Stan the Man, you've earnt it you legend. Excelsior!

Dec 28th 1922 - Nov 12th 2018

[bizarrewritings-blog]

Knock Hard Life / Pt. 4

Bucky Barnes x reader

Being the new one is always problematic. Being the new one while thirsting over a new companion is even more problematic, especially when he shows no interest at all towards you.

Warnings: slight smut (blink and you'll miss it), Angst

A/N: The next part will be the last one sooo hope you enjoy this!

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5

The following night was rough. You've been tossing your body around the sheets for at least 3 hours resisting to fall asleep. You sighed heavily, sitting up and rubbing your palms over your face. Since you moved you always slept perfectly, the comfiness of the mattress lulling you to sleep easily. But even the softest sheets didn't bring you to doze off.

You turned on your bedsite lamp, picking up your favorite book from its place on the nightstand. Maybe this would help you to get a little sleepy. Making yourself comfortable against the headbord you started reading, almost immediately feeling in your own little world where only you and the story the pages infront of you pictured existed. You had no idea for long how you've been reading until a noise ripped you out of your trance, making you flinch. It was a knock at your door. Confused, you looked at the clock. 2:26 am. "Come in." You called, closing the book on your lap, still suspicious why someone would be up this time. Your features softened when a nervous looking Bucky took a step in your room. He wore a grey shirt to his sweatpants this time. Sadly.

"What's up Buck?" You asked, puzzled why he kept his gaze at the floor. You really thought he was finally over the 'I won't look at you' phase. "'M sorry for bothering you." He murmured, something lingering in his voice that you couldn't quite name. You crossed your leg under your blanket to sit up straighter, putting your book back on your nightstand. "You're not bothering. What's wrong?" He run a hand through his hair, his gaze still on his feet which were nervously scratching your grey carpet. "I normally go to Steve with stuff like this but...I walked by and your lights were on, and the talk we had in the kitchen was nice, so i thought... i don't know, if you want to...maybe I shouldn't have come..." He was unbelievably adorable when he was all nervous, but you really wanted him to form his thoughts into proper sentences. "If you want to talk, we can." That's when his gaze finally lifted from his feet to you. His eyes were a little puffy and red, the usual sparkling blue in his eyes turned to a cloudy grey. You gave him a sad smile, shifting a little to the side, petting the sheet to your left, telling him to sit down. He walked over to your bed slowly, sitting at the edge of the mattress. You giggled at his actions, making him throw a confused look at you. "You can sit on the bed normally, you know? You don't have to keep yourself so far from me." He only nodded, carefully taking his place beside you, making himself comfortable against the headboard as well. "Great. Now, talk." He took a breath before speaking. He told you about the nightmares he had for years, flashbacks of his years as The Winter Soldier, completely under another persons control. He talked about how the dreams where always different yet the same. Sometimes he would get pictured flashbacks of missions, the feared faces of people around him. Other times eveything would be a blurry imagine, but he heard the screaming, yelling, gunshots. And rarely he could feel the pain he went through everytime they messed with his brain, he even heard his own suffering screams.

You only looked at him while he talked, not saying anything. You wanted him to talk without being interrupted. When he finished you took all your confidence, carefully putting your hand in his flesh one, squeezing it lightly. He gave you a little confused look but didn't pull away. "I can never imagine the way you have to feel. It has to be absolutely horrific to be reminded of the things those bastards forced you to." You gave him a heart warming smile. "But you have to remember one thing. You're still here. You've made it through all of that and now you're here, being one of the toughest fighters the world has ever seen, with a group of friends everyone would love to have." He smiled brightly at your words, carefully squeezing your hand which still remained in his. "You're even better at these speeches than Steve." You both chuckled at that. The sound of his laugh spread warmth in your belly, it was such a beautiful thing to hear. You decided to be even bolder, shifting a little closer to him to lean your head on his shoulder. You felt him lightly tense again, his metal arm stirring lightly, but he relaxed soon after, making you sigh in relieve. None of you said anything, just enjoying each others company. You wanted to stay like this forever, the peaceful silence, the warmth of Buckys Hand around your own combined with the scent of him making your eyelids feel heavier by the second.

Bucky was the first to talk again. "Thank you, for all this. I hate bugging Steve all the time, waking him up and stuff, even if he says it's okay i still feel bad." You slightly nodded, you completely understood him. "I have to thank as well. You finally make me feel sleepy." You lifted your head from his shoulder to look at your alarm clock. 3:19 am. You really talked for almost an hour. You felt Bucky shift, his hand about to leave yours. "Maybe I should go then. But really, it was n-" "Wait." He stopped his movements, watching your face while you felt it going red. God you sounded really desperate there. "Y-You can stay if you want. You often stay at Steves as well right?" His eyebrows furrowed together in question. "How do you..." "Steve told me." You admitted. His face dropped a little, making it your turn to give him a questioned look. His gaze falling to his hand still intertwined with yours. "So you knew all of this and still had me explain it?" "No, no, i didn't know!" You instantly protested, fearing he might get mad at you for putting him through the misery of remembering all his dreams. You softly squeezed his hand, signaling him to look at you instead. His gaze met yours, a hurt expression on his face. "I promise, okay? He only told me you that when you had nightmares you would go to him to talk and sometimes staying there for the night. That's all. Really." Your eyes practically begged him to believe you. You didn't want him to go, you would do anything to convince him to stay. He took a breath before nodding. "Okay, okay. I'm...I'm sorry for accusing you like that." You sighed and shook your head. "It's alright, really." You ran your thumb over the back of his hand before lifting your gaze back to his eyes whose colour had returned to sparkling blue. "Stay, please." He smiled softly before nodding.

He stood up, the warmth of his hand leaving you. You shifted under your blanket to give him enough material to crawl under. After he joined you under the covers, laying on his back, he went full nervous again, you could almost see his rapid heartbeat trough the thin material of his shirt. You suppressed a chuckle but didn't accept that he wasn't at all close to you. With help of your new found confidence, wherever that came from, you lifted his arms and maneuvered yourself next to his body, your head on his chest. Now you could also hear his racing heart and you actually feared he might have a heart attack. He's an old man after all. "This okay for you?" You asked carefully as his heart didn't slow down. You feared you might have taken it too far. He answered by moving his flesh arm, which was laying somewhere behind your back until now, setting his hand at your hip, softly squeezing. You smiled at that, making yourself even more comfortable, soon after drifting off into your well deserved sleep.

Both of you actually slept longer that night, enjoying the comfort. What you didn't know was that at the same time you were the number one topic in the kitchen. "Has any of you seen Bucky?" Steve asked, nervously looking at Tony, Wanda and Sam. "Nope, barely see that guy." Sam shrugged. "His door is open and I usually always meet him here." The blonde stated, feared for his best friend. "Gym?" Wanda suggested. Steve just shook his head. "Already checked." "You know we have a AI in this house right?" Tony chuckled. "FRIDAY? Where is Barnes at the moment?" "Sergeant Barnes is asleep in Miss Y/L/Ns room." All four exchanged suprised glances. "Never thought Tin man would actually get laid." Tony laughed, Sam joining. Steve rolled his eyes with a smile. He was happy for you two but damn that went fast.

You woke up slowly, prying your eyes open to adjust to the dim light in your room. You tried to move but failed, something heavy keeping you in place. You turned your face, the glistening of metal catching your attention. Buckys left arm was draped around your waist, making you smile. Thank god it wasn't a dream. You managed to turn on your back, Buck immediately shifting even closer to you, pressing his body against your side with his face in your neck. You felt something hard against your thigh and gulped hard. Morning woods were awkward, but having Buckys pressed against you was torture. Suddenly the door swung open, making you jump. Steve entered the room, smiling wide. Bucky stirred in his sleep, slowly waking up with a mumbled "What the hell?"

"Good Morning, Lovebirds! I would've liked my best friend to tell me about this, but the AI took this job." Bucky and you both sat up, giving him a confused look. "What are you talking about?" The dark haired man rasped, the sleep still lingering in his voice. "Don't treat me like a goddamn fool, Buck. That between you two! I mean i knew you were meant for each other and as soon as Y/N told me she liked you I-" "STEVE!" You interrupted him with a shout, your eyes wide and entire face heating up. He shot you a confused glare before realizing. "Oh- You didn't...?" You let your head drop back against the headboard with a sigh. When you felt Buckys gaze you turned to look at him, Nervousness written over your face. "You like me?"

[aslaton8-blog]

What does "Home" mean?

What does "home" mean when you don't have a family? I mean I have a family, a very large one fact. None of us get along though. My family is wrought with mental illness. Mostly things such as narcissistic personality disorder, hypochondria, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and above all just flat selfishness. I really can't handle them. They make my issues so much worse. Actually they are the cause of my issues.

My society has been the least of my problems. I made the best decision when I decided to get away from my family and never talk to them again. I was sick of being gaslighted and ghosted being treated as if I wasn't doing anything when I was the only one doing anything meanwhile homeless and struggling by myself. Fuck those people they aren't a family.

So I struggle to understand what family means. I've been invited to be a part of a witch coven. It's actually really cool. I don't hate the idea. I'm just so disconnected from the idea of having a family. I can't even make a friend family of my own. I'm married to my friend family. To the twins Ryan and Daniel Krone. I love them with all of my heart. I don't love anybody else this way outside of the celebrities that have been with me since my childhood. Those are distant feelings though and I'm just a stranger to them anyway.

I feel like I got tossed into this witch coven immediately. I didn't really get a say so in whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. I didn't really have a full understanding of witch covens before they tossed me in there. We had one meeting already and it just felt like a meeting of complete strangers. Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity? Being in a room full of strangers and still feeling completely disconnected from people and community? I'm so glad I never tried that path. I don't like much attention anyway. I mean I like attention to an extent just like everyone else would want to feel a part of life. But I don't need all that. That was too much.

I don't think I'll feel at home with these people unless they stay in my life. I still don't feel at home with these people and I've been hanging out with them for a couple of years. it just feels like another adventure that's going to disappear in time. I like these people don't get me wrong, it's just not a hundred percent there for me. First of all the entire coven is completely white minus maybe one lady who is close enough to being white that she could pass as white. All that does is remind me of our societal problems and all I want to do is keep fighting them. Second of all I'm not religious and I believe in every religion not just one. It's hard for me to feel honest with being in a coven when I don't hundred percent believe in everything their doing.

It seems like all I want to do is fight anymore. I don't want to get along with society. Why is that? Maybe I'm just that full of pain. I feel like I'm walking through the next door of the chapter of my healing. But it feels like a door that I opened and don't know where to go. It's like a room full of mazes. Maybe I shouldn't have opened the door just yet but what do I now? I haven't had much guidance in this life I only have me to guide myself.

People say take the direction that's right in front of you but what if you're not a hundred percent feeling it? What if that road just leaves to falling off a cliff and breaking every bone in my body? I can't take a different path though or I'll be steering away from my husband and his brother who I don't want to be away from at all.

I've been feeling my soul pushing me to form a life outside of Ryan. And that scares me so much because I don't want to think about a life outside of Ryan. I don't want to lose him like Terry lost Steve Irwin. I'm not ready to detach from him yet like that, I mean I haven't even given birth to my child yet. Why are you always pushing me to do stuff I'm not ready for yet world? I vibe with conservatives here. Stop moving and changing so fast let us enjoy what we have right now.

I cried my eyes out last night. I haven't cried in a while so I probably needed it but then that's a paradox in itself because why do we need to cry? I suppose in this case to release a lot of the pressure I have been feeling inside lately. I've got to get started with my photography career because I'm going to quit my part-time job in February and need to make income. I always wanted to start my photography career but I was always so hesitant because I didn't want to turn my hobby into a capitalist dream. I don't believe in capitalism and I don't believe it works. It's like a tool that worked at one time and is now broken and we need to try something else.

If I ever have employees I'll make sure they get half of the income and not this 80/20 bullshit. If they aren't putting forth the effort into the work then obviously I will look for somebody else. Naturally that's all we can do. But for now I prefer to just team up with other photographers that are seasoned and have their own established business that we partner up on. I really love this field and I don't want to steer away from it in any way.

I'm having other fears. Like I said I've been pushed into this witch coven thing. Which to be fair they haven't really pushed me on anything else, she just kind of stuck me in there and I'm welcome to back out if I want to but I feel like I didn't learn enough about it to make a real decision on it and I'm just becoming a part of it automatically because I never made a decision. You people move too fast!!! Now my brother-in-law is dating one of them. *Sigh*

I mean I like her I just have a lot of conflicts in my heart. She favors the character that I was creating for Daniel's character in my story which is really weird because she's like a silhouette of what I already imagined. Maybe this is his dream lover maybe this is where he's supposed to be. But something about it has me really uneasy. I feel like it's all moving too fast. Maybe that's just my fear speaking, maybe it's not moving too fast and maybe that's just how I'm seeing it because I fear people. I also love Daniel very much and don't want to see him get his heart broken again. I feel like we just met these people.

She and I did not get off to a good start either. I was connecting with this lady that I really really liked name Tonya and I was having a bad day and wanted to go see her. This woman was there and Tonya said she would be leaving soon so I wouldn't have to meet new company since I was not in the mood to meet any new company. I feel like I had just met Tonya and didn't get to really get to know her yet before I'm being forced to me all these other people...so I was rude to this woman. I treated her exactly like I felt. I did not want to meet anyone new. We talked about it later and we smoothed over our bad first meeting. We got to talkin and she seems fine and I like her I just did not expect her to start dating my brother-in-law this fast. I understand he's starving for a partner because he loves romance and he deserves a good partner and that will tend to make a dog eat its food too fast and throw it back up. This is my family, my home. I love whoever he loves. But I'm jaded because the last girl he was in love with was a complete psychopath. It wasn't really love again it was starvation for love. Thankfully this woman does not seem like a psychopath. She's a very sensitive empath with a lot of love in her heart. Despite that I still feel so many fears. We got in another fight again when I was just trying to be direct, be myself. I found out how sensitive she really is.

That scares me too because I don't need anybody in my life who cannot handle me and if she's dating my brother-in-law and something comes of it she could one day become my sister-in-law. That's a big deal for me. I've never connected really well with women. I've been connecting with Tonya and I was happy with our slow pace. She's a really cool woman and I like her. So the idea of getting closer to this woman put a lot of pressure on me because I don't want to be a jerk and be completely distant from my brother-in-law's girlfriend because we've already had that issue with another friend and it will just bring up old hurt. I need people who can stand up to me when I'm at my worst moods and I'm beating you up emotionally.

Daniel's new girlfriend did that with me the other night. We got in an argument sure but we also resolved it. She did not run away from the argument and go hide. She broke down and cried right in front of me and expressed every emotion I caused her to feel. Great start right? I hate feeling like this monster that calls out everybody's bulshit including mine. I really was just trying to pull out my conflict and deal with it and not try to put the burden on her for sure but I'm not about going behind people's back and talking about them especially to the people that they are dating who else that I have to discuss this with other than her anyway? I like direct communication. I'm not a passive aggressive person. I can be passive so not to hurt your feelings but I'm not a passive aggressive person. If I've got something to say to you I'm going to say it especially when I am ready and know how I want to say it. It turned out for the better because she admitted that she needed to cry from a lot of pressure from the week and that I was the push that made her move but I'm still worried about future interactions. I don't want anyone in my life I'm just going to beat up by being myself. I need people to be in my life who can separate themselves from my anger and internal conflicts and not take on the pain.

My husband is still learning how to do this. I was ranting and venting away about him being sick and not being able to enjoy my birthday with him and he took all the pressure on as if it was his fault. 🙈 I swear I can't be angry about anything without somebody taking on the pressure themselves. I have to suck it up all the time just so I don't hurt other people's feelings. I think that's why I relate to #Slipknot so much. I've been listening to that band since I was like 11. So that means I've been listening to them for like 22 years. They are a huge part of my life and a huge influence in my life and my healing. Probably number one on my list. They're definitely a part of my soul and I definitely feel the big brother attitude that they have with society. It's beautiful and well needed for people like me. The magic of their music has filled my spirit with so much love in so many times that I needed it.

But before I go on a tangent let's get back to what was bothering me in the first place. Family. I need to work through my fears because it's not like this woman is some crazy monster person like the last girl. The last girl wanted to keep secrets with my husband about me. He immediately told me about it of course but I'm just really jaded by her and my mother because they popped in my life at the same time. They were just alike. It was like my mother pushed herself into my life not only physically but spiritually too. I have so much hatred for my mother I really wish she would die. I know she's going to die one day and I can't wait for that day to end everybodies suffering. She's one of those Santa baby ladies, gold digging, cocaine junkie narcissistic trash. She's somebody else's mess to clean up, I was not here to raise her. I don't want anybody else like her in my life ever again. The fighter in me will really show and I might damage some relationships along the way. I just hope this girl turns out to be fine. She seems fine. I'm just wrought with a lot of trust issues and fears and I'm not feeling at home right now even though I know I am home.