#Sorry this took forever to answer I have adhd and I knew I would not be able to shut up with this one

[antiquepearlss]

quick thanks giving ask before i have to disappear for personal reasons

ill be back soon dw bbys

what r the tts(& hugo cuz varian just HAD to bring his new boyfriend to thanksgivinh this year) favorite foods for thanks giving?

varian & quirin will always love pumpkin pie, its obvious, but i think varian would also like mashed potatoes

Rapunzel likes the corn bread(she just would idk WHY but i think shed liek corn bread okay HEAR ME OUT)

eugene & lance like it all, but eugene likes the gravy, like just the gravy, yes the other food is good, but gravy is just on top i fear

lance is a foodie, he likes it all

the girls like the turkey, except they fuckinh hate when its dry, so they drench their turkey in gravy if its dry

Hugo likes the stuffing and bread rolls, like hes a bread guy, he LOVES bread, and stuffing is like his thing

OH qnd cass(this is from my brother) likes the shit thats not even supposed to be at a thanks givinh dinner, like my brother said ahed like potato salad😭🙏 shes a diva what can i say

and as a whole lance def does the cooking, like dont even try me he does the cooking and its FIRE🙏 and they all get together on thanks giving and just have fun and talk, they just chill and eat and then take a big group nap bcuz of the food coma LMAO

I know this is about favorite foods but I’m just going to go ahead and drop my whole Thanksgiving scenario because I can. Also because those headcanons are canon actually and I can’t beat them. Rapunzel would like corn bread. Varian def likes the turkey and stuffing. Hugo likes the bland foods like bread and mashed potatoes. Lance liking all of it is so canon. Raps and Varian definitely love the desserts after. Eugene tries to bring like, low-calorie/diet alternatives but Lance throws them away. Also I love the Cass hc.

So Thanksgiving is always at Quirin’s house. Lance wants to have it at his but it’s too small, and Rapunzel plans most of everything else, so she lets Quirin lead this one.

Quirin and Lance do most of the cooking. Sometimes the others will bring a side dish, but Quirin and Lance prefer they didn’t. (They’re both kind of a diva in the kitchen) No one is allowed to help in the kitchen, except for Rapunzel and maybe Varian. The two men started off as kinda rivals when it came to cooking Thanksgiving foods, but they finally calmed down and now they’re a dream team. (The Quirin Lance friendship is weirdly super important to me??) Rapunzel and Varian do the baking, though.

I think Thanksgiving football is a thing? (I wouldn’t know, I did not grow up in a sports family lol.) So if it is, everyone watches that, but not really because they’re not sports people either. They just add their own stupid commentary to it while they wait for the food to be done. If they actually play a game, it just turns into Eugene and Varian and/or Hugo wrestling. Cass will play wrestle the girls, too. Eugene is not playing though, he fights to win. (Also Hugo and Varian are annoying and deserve to be smacked around a little.) I think it would be funny if Hugo and Varian wrestle and they get very aggressive about it. Couple goals.

They definitely watch the Macy’s parade, too. Rapunzel adores it. Lance likes the musical acts. Varian isn’t allowed to watch it because they’re worried it’ll inspire him /j. If the food still isn’t done, Quirin pops in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special to get them to stfu. I also think it would be really funny if Lance made them watch these really obscure 1970-80’s Thanksgiving specials that aired once and no one knows about. They also watch that one scene from The Addams Family Values. You know the one.

Rapunzel also brings little crafts for everyone, too. And you can’t get out of them because they’re all too weak to her pouty face. Hand turkeys, paper towel turkeys, acorn turkeys, leaf turkeys, paper plate turkeys, if she gets her hands on something, she’s turning it into a turkey. It’s a new craft every year.

Varian absolutely tries to do educational stuff, and it works about half the time. Documentaries about the first Thanksgiving, little worksheets for third graders because they were free to print, stuff like that. I think he and Rapunzel (and to a lesser extent, Hugo) probably do go on rants about the lack of education about Native American history, so I think they take this opportunity to study and teach it.

(Eugene: Varian wtf why do I have to do this? Varian: because it’s educational! And also the only one that was free to print.)

I think Hector and Adira show up occasionally. Not every year, but maybe every two or three years. They also never give a heads-up, so it’s just a headache for everyone involved except them. Cass usually spends it with her father, but if he’s busy she’ll do it with Raps’ family (which for the sake of this post, is Quirin, Eugene, and Varian. Idk Frederic and Arianna are anti-Thanksgiving ig.)

Because they’re the youngest, Varian and the girls are tasked with setting the table and are just, so grumbly about it. Varian once suggested plastic plates and cutlery to cut down on dishes and Quirin grounded him for a month /j.

Once they actually sit down to eat it’s actually pretty chill. Quirin forces them all to say things they’re thankful for, and about half of them actually give serious answers. I think Hugo always gives a snarky answer, but one year he said “Varian.” So Var Bear definitely cried into his mashed potatoes that year. Rapunzel goes on soliloquies so she’s always last. There’s a 50/50 chance Varian will start talking about the latest scientific marvel, before going “and like, my family too.” Lance has a list. Cass gives one word answers. Eugene is usually not very serious, but sometimes he’ll say something sweet (followed by something funny.) Kiera and Catalina have never given a serious answer and they never will.

“so what are you thankful for?”

“the teletubbies reboot”

“my lobotomy”

“your mom”

“weed”

The dinner itself is actually pretty tame. This group of people aren’t exactly the type of people to argue about like, politics lol, nor would they get unnecessarily chaotic during the meal. (Hugo is too scared of Quirin to pick a fight with his nephew in front of him on a holiday.) They just kinda vibe and hang out. They seem like the type of people to keep talking even an hour after they’ve finished their food, though. They really enjoy eachother’s company.

Once they’re done, Rapunzel usually is the one to volunteer to do dishes, and Varian helps her out (and forces Hugo to help as well.) And because they’re them, the dishes are somehow washed, dried, and put away in the span of fifteen minutes. They also measure out the leftovers for everyone to take home.

Maybe after the dinner they all go on a walk or something idk. Just to take in the last of the fall foliage before everything is barren and dead. Also because Old Corona is generally very chill and cold, so sometimes it snows which Raps loves.

So this one is purely based off of my family, but after the dinner/walk they all watch a Christmas movie and fall asleep. It is not uncommon for all of them to just spend the night there because of the food coma they’re in. Cass usually does leave, though. Raps takes pictures and makes a lil scrapbook.

Max, Fidella, and Ruddiger all get some leftovers, too. (Usually leftover stuffing and mashed potatoes because you shouldn’t give animals turkey!)

Also one year Quir an Var had Thanksgiving with Ulla’s family, so naturally everyone went with them because where else are they supposed to go?? And so they all sat at the kids table with Varian to make him feel better. Fred and Ari tried to host a Thanksgiving once, and it was so stiff and formal and uncomfortable, that everyone just agreed to never do it again. Donella went to a dinner once with Hugo, she was weirdly delightful.

[thecapricunt1616]

Hey. Hope you’re doing well. I just want to say congratulations on 200 followers. Also I am a fellow autistic person myself. I was wondering if you’re only okay with answers this, do you sometimes see your reader as an autistic person? Because sometimes I do even when the reader isn’t autistic. Also I hope you have a great day stay safe.

Also remember to stay hydrated.

What is your least favorite thing people have ever asked you about your autism if you have had that experience?

What is your favorite tips of fanfics you write?

I have read your fanfics and great writing job on them.

And again congratulations on 200 followers. 🎉🎊

🙂😊😀🌸👍🏻

Oh my, Hello friend!! Thank you SO much, firstly!

Alrighty, there are kinda different answers to this? It depends!! Heres what I mean.

For The Bear & His Honey : Winnie is autistic, as is Carmen - this is just canon for me. Carmy, (as an autistic person myself, who has also done extensive research on autism & how it presents in different genders, and even age groups) is visibly autistic. JAW as an actor has mentioned in interviews, even if he didn't realize? He purpousfully gave Carmy autistic traits, this likely because Mikey - the main driving character of the original Chris Storer Screenplay, and The Bear show in general - showed traits of autism as well, and Carmy took strongly after his older brother.

Winnie though, is a 'Manic Pixie Dreamgirl' To Carmy, she was raised 'Normal' - as a latchkey kid, in a trailer park, with a deaf twin, and a mother who worked too much to keep them afloat. She has a big personality - like Mikey, because Mikey had to raise him and sugar, but Winnie had to keep a social life afloat for her and Chris - before he died. So Carmys autistic traits were way more coddled by his family, hence why his panic sets in much more often (Mike was always there to hug him and calm him down) - Winnie helped herself, and her brother.

Now - Carmen x Reader? It depends. It depends on the ask. I believe every writer bases things off their own feelings as much as they can because it's all they know (the more you stray from experiences you had yourself, or at least extensively read about, the more difficult they are to realistically write). So, alot of things I write - I think about how I would feel. I am an overly emotional kind of autistic. When it comes to empathy, I have too much - which is why I am able to write Dad!Carm so well, (parents and empathy are like PB&J)

Smut? It is up to interpretation. I'm autistic, so the reader can always likely be read as autistic. I also have ADHD. So severe, I was diagnosed by the time I was 4 (early 00's) & I'm AFAB, which it wasn't recognized females could even have ADHD until I believe 2010 or later, so thats how you know it hinders me - even as a 4 year old little girl, the doctors knew I was more then just - 'chatty'

Least favorite thing people ask me .... hmmmm - i've gotten "i'm not sure I can handle that, do you have any empathy?" from A FREAKING GIRLFRIEND!!! like- I finally opened up to her, and her first question was if I was capable of feeling like I was a sociopath!!!

In regards to my favorite kind of fanfics to write? I like asks that are detailed. I like getting an ask with someone's detailed vision, and trying my best to bring it to life as close to what they saw in their head, kinda like a tattoo artist tries to do! You always have an idea in your head for a tattoo (if you're inked you get this, if not - sorry for the bum analogy) but when you have the idea, if the artist just doesn't get it - it's hard to say yes to having it on you forever. You want that artist that can bring the vision that is plastered on the inside of your brain to life, that is the kind of ask I like answering.

thank you so soooo much for this adorable ask sweetness!!! I hope you are having a wonderful night xoxo-xoxo

[lovrre]

Could you do Eddie Munson with a stuttering partner who has adhd?

The presentation~

Summary: you’re very nervous about a presentation coming up and your boyfriend knows just what to do to motivate you.

Author note: sorry this took forever, I didn’t know if you wanted smut or not so it’s just fluff. Btw…REQUEST ARE OPEN!!

Word count: 1k

Warnings: nothing really there’s like one curse word just a little fluff

You were sitting at your desk in your room, coloring in the letter on your poster. Eddie sat a cross from you on your bed flipping through a magazine from off your dresser.

“These m-m-markers are dull as fuck” you say aggressively, dropping the marker down on the poster Board. “Do you got anymore?” Eddie asks, looking at your annoyed expression.

“Ya over there,” you say pointing to a shelf holding up a pink pencil case (the hard plastic glittery kind) Eddie places the pencil case down on the desk next to you.

“What’s bothering you y/n,” Eddie says, sitting on the edge of your desk. “It's This dumb ass p-p-presentation” you had been stressed all week about the presentation not just because you were scared you wouldn’t finish it but because you actually had to present it. Meaning, you would most likely stutter in front of the whole class. Everybody already knew you had a stutter, it used to be a lot nastier before your speech exercises. It’s still really hard for you to pronounce words that start with S or p, and occasionally, you hum on m’s, Not to mention it worsens when you're nervous.

“I don’t wanna p-p-p-present my-” you pause before attempting The next word. “Project so everyone can laugh at me” Eddies face falls a bit. “Have you asked the teacher if you can get a pass on this one ?” “Of course, I did and of course, she said no, MMMM-Mrs” you take a deep breath before continuing. “Mrs. Helton hates me”. Eddie stays silent for a second before talking,

“Let's practice then!” Eddie Announces

“No, thanks,” you say, shaking your head in disagreement. “Practice is good,” Eddie tells you, “I'm not doing it” you reply sternly

~~~

You stand against your room wall, poster in hand, while Eddie sits on the edge of the bed pretending to sit at a desk. “I don't wanna do this,” you say grudgingly. “Go on,” Eddie says, shooing you forward to continuing. You roll your eyes and continue “I decide to do m-m-my project on” you take a deep breath again hoping not to mess up the next sentence too much. Not that Eddie would care, he’s always understanding of your stutter and your struggles with ADHD. “On how colors coordinate with emotion in film,” in mm-Many movies, colors are used to portray emotion. Most commonly blue, yellow, and red.” You continue with the rest, but before you can finish Eddie starts clapping “LOOK AT YOU” Eddie says smiling ear to ear. You laugh and roll your eyes. “ SHHH BEFORE MY DAD HEARS YOU,” you say, quite yelling.

“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie says lowering his voice, “But you did really good at the “how the colors coordinate” part” “I did” you reply walking back to your desk. “You’re Not gonna finish?” Eddie asks, turning his head in the process.

“No forget it, I don’t think i-I-I-m gonna do it,” you say placing the poster on the desk before walking towards the mattress and plopping next to Eddie.

“Why not,” he asks, turning his head to face you. You don’t answer right away, still staring at the ceiling. “Because…” you say trailing off

“I think you should” Eddie interrupt, you turn to face him this time. “Hmm, I think I should……NOT” you say smiling to yourself.

“Are you really gonna make me bribe you?” Eddie asks, lifting a brow, “Am I?” You ask, pretending to be clueless.

“I’ll take you to Cherries?”

You instantly sit up, “are you serious!” Eddie nods, sitting up on his arms. “Pinky promise?” You say, extending Your smallest finger. Eddie does the same interlocking pinkies. “No, take b-b-backsies? Cherries is a serious P-p-promise”

“Cross my heart” he responds giving you a small smile and making an x gesture over his chest.

And cherries was a Big promise, and you mean Big. Not only was it the best ice cream place in the world with over 75 flavors. It also was 7 miles away, so you rarely got to go. But it was the place to go after a celebration.

“Ok then deal”

~~~~.

Today was the day of the presentation, and you were up next to present. Instead of listening to your classmates present like you probably should have. You were making up fake romantic scenarios in your head while mindlessly biting your nails. “Y/N” your teacher called making you jump. “Huh?” You say, still a little dazed, ripping your hand from your mouth, “it’s your turn to present”:

“Oh yea, sorry,” you say, picking up your poster that had been resting against the legs of your chair. You walk up to the front of the class and give your classmates a sarcastic simile that hides your lips. “I did my-” before you can finish your sentence, you see someone out of the corner of your eye. Eddie gave you a little wave through the window of the door. Your teacher follows your eyes and looks towards the door. Eddie quickly ducks down to hide.

You return to speaking, and you see a figure reappear in your peripheral. Instead of looking again, you continue with the presentation hoping not to get him caught. “Umm… I did my presentation on how colors coordinate with emotions in film” you show your poster and point to A drawn scene from a movie you colored in.

I don’t know if y-y-y-you guys have ever seen (A little lam) but in the mmm-movie. You take a deep breath “when Molly is happy everything is yellow, but after her lam dies everything is gray and monotone”.

You continue on with the rest of your presentation, you stutter a little here and there but pretty much smooth sailing. When you finish a couple of people clap, and you walk awkwardly to your chair, sitting down quickly.

You start fidgeting with your nails when your classmate across from you taps your shoulder. “You did fantastic!” she says smiling, exposing pink braces That matched with her quirky hair clips. “Thanks” you reply with a genuine smile before watching your next classmates go up to present.

~~~~~

When you get out of class, Eddie picks you up and spins you around. “You did so good,” he says after placing you back on the ground. You roll your eyes before speaking, “you’re so dramatic, all I did was read” you say trying hard not to smile. “I’m just happy you’re overcoming your fears,” he says quietly his eyes darting to your lips, You lean in for a kiss “thanks to you,” you say smiling against his lips.

“Oh my gosh eewww,” some random girl says in a preppy high-pitched voice. You quickly flip them off, not breaking the kiss.

~~~~

In the long line at cherries, you couldn’t help but smile ear to ear in anticipation of being the next’s one’s up. “Hi, welcome to cherries What can I get you today,” the lady says behind the counter in a high pitch southern accent. Before we get to say our orders, she starts back.

“If it’s hard to choose, I suggest the walnut Winkle or the berry cherry sorbet. If you don’t like any of those, we also have over 75 different flavors. Nana's banana, Rocky road, wacky walnut, very berry blueberry, Mono-“

“ we’ll willtake a sugar s’more in a waffle cone and swirl in a cup,” You says cutting The woman's list short, she smiles “ok that will be $5.36” Eddie hands her the money, A minute later she hands him the swirl in a cup and me the s’mores cone.

“It’s cute you know my order” Eddie says rubbing your head and messing up your hair.

You and Eddie sit on top of A picnic table close by, eating your ice cream. You give your ice cream another lick “ delicious” you hum closing your eyes land slowly shaking your head. Eddie puts down his now empty cup of ice cream. “You still aren’t finished?”, Eddie asks watching you take your time on your cone. “I actually wanna taste it, unlike you.” You say laughing, Eddie doesn’t say anything, just Silently admires you with a smile on his face. “What?” You say, quickly whipping cream off your face with your finger and putting it in your mouth.

“Just thinking about how much I gotta love you to wait in a 35-minute line for Damn ice cream ”

“a lot” you respond pecking him on the lips, “and don’t act like you don’t love this ice cream”

[melo-yello]

📚School Struggles📚 w/ 💥🪨KiriBaku💥🪨 HeadCanons

Pairings: KiriBaku X Black!Reader

Summary: College AU! Reader falls behind in course work, and won’t tell anybody. But Kirishima and Bakugou find out.

A/n: I’m an adult who went most of my life with undiagnosed learning disabilities so this would just be comforting to me. Lil angst! Lots of fluff. Implied ADHD and Dyslexia.

📕🖊 First tests are handed back in four of your eight classes.You’ve failed all but one which you barely passed. You are asked stay back as yet another professor suggests you find a tutor

📕🖊You’re lowkey offended. You’ve never needed a tutor before. Up until recently your performance in other areas compensated for your less than stellar academics. You were in gifted courses all your life. You would just hafta try harder

📕🖊 Kiri and Baku are saving a spot in line for you by the time you meet them at the cafe when you shove the thoughts of failure out of your brain and perk up to your usual self

📕🖊 Kiri’s face lights up as soon as he spots you. “Over here, Babe!” He beams flagging you down. Like it was hard to make out the giant red head in a crowd. Especially with the large lean, continuously pissed blonde scowling at everyone right by his side.

📕🖊 “Hey,Dumbass.” Baku smiles slightly and pulls a hand from his pocket to offer you a hug and a kiss on the temple

📕🖊 Kiri pulls you by your waist into his torso kissing your forehead “What took you so long?” He asks letting you free from the vice grip he had on your curvy hips

📕🖊 “I got a lil turned around again.” You lie pulling Bakugou’s free hand into yours then lean into his shoulder. There’s something very comforting about how warm he is all the time. You wanted to snuggle into his back but PDA really isn’t his thing and you are already pushing it

📕🖊 “It’s a big campus, Teddy, you just have to get used to it. You just transferred. Me and Eiji can take turns walking you from class to class until you get the hang of it, you know?” Baku says trying to read your eyes. He could just feel something is off. Your box braids and the angle itself saves you from any further scrutiny.

📕🖊“You guys, gotta be pretty sprung to do that for me, ya know.” You quip smirking up at him then over to Kiri. “Fuck you too, Teddy Bear.” Baku huffs smirking *maybe he was wrong, unlikely* “Yea basically, Pebs. Liking who you date is super manly.” Kirishima laughs grabbing his tray.

📕🖊 You three finally sit in a small wrap around booth. Bakugou taking the middle spot today. You do your best to not zone out and hyper fixate on your test scores by making sure to laugh at Kiri’s jokes and nod along with Baku’s venting

📕🖊 You slide your fork in and out of your picked over food as you strategize how to fix your current problem without alerting your boyfriends. Before you knew it your table is quiet with two crimson gazes fixed on you

📕🖊 “You’re quiet today, L/n.” Bakugou says fixing you with a deeply fierce gaze which was his way of looking concerned. Sharpness of your actual name drew you from your thoughts in a instant. “Hmmm I think Kats has a point, L/n Y/n.” Kirishima says in between slurps of his smoothie. His red eyes practically dripping with curious concern

📕🖊 You make a quick split decision between the truth and charm. “Wow, my government. I must be in real big trouble.” You pout trying to flirt your way out of a more serious conversation. You poke out your plush bottom at Kiri while slipping a hand onto Baku’s inner thigh and gently squeezing before hitting him with the same seductive pout

📕🖊 Big Mistake!😳 Bakugou’s vermillion eyes widen before becoming instantly stern as he grips your wrist tight enough to hurt. “The fuck are you doing?!! I was being serious, Y/n! And in public?!! You’re fucking priceless!” The ash blonde hisses with angry pink cheeks. Guilt washes over you when you snatch your wrist back. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to...talk about it.” You mumble. “Then use your fucking words!” 😤 Bakugou kisses his teeth and stands so Kiri lets him out. “He’s just a little embarrassed, Pebble. I needa talk him down. You can find your next class right?” He sighs watching Baku storm out

📕🖊 “Yea. I’m sorry. Tell him, Kiri. Please.” You squeak sheepishly grabbing your stuff. “He knows but I will. He’s mad about other stuff.” He nods following after Bakugou

📕🖊 It’s intimidating to compete with their history at times. You couldn’t bring yourself to just dump all your issues on them

📕🖊 You’ve only been dating since summer and Kiri and Baku have been dating since their senior year in high school year. You guys are starting your junior year and are still learning each other.

📕🖊 You get lost a couple times before finding the right building. The noise in your head going nearly at light speed to wrap all the problems you’re having. The professor passes the test you’d spent majority of last night and early morning studying for. You felt confident until it was in your hands.

📕🖊 You chew the pen top trying to finish up the last 7 short answer questions when then alarm for 5 minutes left is given. You panic not even having started the true false section on the last page. You scribble down answers just as time up is announced across the classroom

📕🖊 Defeat washes over while you shuffle out the door. You reach in your pocket to dig out the card for Student Accomidation Services your World Civ professor gave you. Maybe this was something simple as a “processing problem” as she had explained when you visited her during office hours

📕🖊 A throat clearing pulls you from your thoughts. You jump stuffing both hands into your jeans card and all. Bakugou stood unreadable propped up on a wall only a few steps away from you. “Eiji, thinks we need to talk about the cafe. Plus he doesn’t get out of lab til 3:45, so you’re kinda stuck with me.” Bakugou mumbles offering his palm as an olive branch.

📕🖊 “He’s probably right. I don’t mind just you, Tuff Guy. I really am sorry though, Katsuki.” You sigh interlocking your fingers with his. “I know, Teddy. I wasn’t really mad about that anyways.” Baku concedes as you two stroll down the hall. “I didn’t hurt your wrist earlier, did I?” Baku asks softly opening the door and meeting your eyes with gentle concern. “Nah, You didn’t, King Explosion Murder.” You laugh giving his hand a firm squeeze before kissing it

📕🖊 The walk to your dorm is quiet and peaceful. He lets you settle your school bag before speaking again “I just feel like you’re still trying to hide parts of yourself from us, especially me,” He says looking into your eyes now, “Like you’ve been pulling back. Eijirou thinks I’m looking too deep, but I doubt it. I know I can be a little rough and mean sometimes...well a lot of the times. I’m not easy to get along with. But you know you can talk to us when you’re upset or if something bothering you... if I’m bothering you. I don’t like you feeling like you have to pretend to be ok if you’re not.” Baku finishes crossing his arms tightly across your chest.

📕🖊 You dig your nails into your palms mercilessly. You open your mouth to reply and reassure him but the words won’t come. Baku notices what you’re doing to your hands and steps closer to take them into his. He rubs slow circles into the backs of them. Hot tears pool at the corners of your eyes as you try to find your voice. “Kats, I’m...I didn’t me...I...Of course you’re not what’s bothering me.” you croak out just as tears roll down your face and Baku pulls you to his chest.

📕🖊 Your breathing hitches and you just let yourself be disappointed, confused, frustrated, and upset about the last month and a half of struggling and wondering why you couldn’t tell anybody and why no one was even noticing. But He did. Baku had noticed. He rocks gently as you tremble in his arms rubbing firm circles in your lower back.

📕🖊 You two stay like that for what seems forever. Once your breathing evens out Baku’s hold relaxes. He kisses both your temples.You reluctantly let go , so you can pull wrinkled failing test pages from your backpack. “Please don’t laugh at me, Suki.” You peep placing the cause of your meltdown in his hands not attempting to have your puffy eyes met his red ones. Lifting your chin so you’re looking him in the eyes. “Come on, Teddy Bear. I wouldn’t dare.” He nods with the most serious face

📕🖊 Bakugou is quiet for a while as he leafs through the exam papers. “Why didn’t finish any of them?” He asks “Time. I’m a slow reader.” You mutter back. “I’ve seen you doing homework for two of these courses and passing those, what’s happening?” Baku says staring in disbelief at the scores at the top of each exam.

📕🖊 You swallow the lingering fear of judgement. You place a hand at your temple to remind yourself of Baku’s earlier tenderness. “I get anxious. It gets so much harder to read when I’m that worked up, and I can barely focus once I start forgetting answers...I know it’s just a test. I guess...That sounds dumb, doesn’t it?” You sigh shrug off your own explanation.

📕🖊 “Nope. Not dumb at all. Sounds like test anxiety to me. I struggled with that in high school . I didn’t know you were a slow reader, Teddy.” Baku says pulling your hand before you can dig your nails into it. “Yea. One of my professors thinks I have dyslexia and ADHD...but I’m not stupid sooo.” You hum rocking on your heels “That is not what either of those words mean, and I know you know that, L/n.” Bakugou growls he absolutely hates when you or Kirishima talk down on yourselves. “Yea but it feels like it though.” You sigh biting your lips

📕🖊 Before Baku can say a word, Kiri swings the door open. “Babes! Have you two hotties missed me?” The red head shouts coming through the door way smiling until he sees your puffy eyes and tense posture. “Bakugou Katsuki, I know you fucking didn’t?!!” Kiri questions suspiciously leaning down to rest his chin on your shoulder and wrapping a protective hold around your waist.

📕🖊 “The Absolute fuc-” Baku’s defensive rant is cut short as you kiss the hand holding yours to quiet him as you answer Kiri “No Eiji, he didn’t. I’m flunking like half my classes.” You huff meeting his eyes with quivering lips trying your best not to cry all over again

📕🖊 Kiri is stunted into complete silence. The only thing he can think to say is an apology to his boyfriend for jumping to conclusions. Last time he checked your GPA’s a lot more impressive that his. “How the fuck is that even possible? You transferred into the honor courses.” Kiri says completely baffled moving to where he could see your face.

📕🖊 You explain to your boyfriends all the things that have been tripping you up and confusing you. You detail how hard studying has been as far as staying focused and actually understanding lengthy test questions

📕🖊 Kiri has a million questions at first but stops half way through after Baku grabs your overnight bag and leads you out the door. “You’re gonna freak her out all over again, Shitty Hair, if you keep going at her like that.” He could tell you were getting overwhelmed, and might cry again “My bad, Pebs.” Kiri says kissing your cheek as he follows behind

📕🖊 Once you get back to their apartment and Baku askes for your help making dinner. He has you read the directions and ingredients to him. You stumble through most of it, but that doesn’t stop him from praising you as soon as you finish. He has since learned you and Kiri do best when told how well you’re doing vs his typical shouting method

📕🖊 The three of you set an assessment time with the Student Disability Services on campus that doesn’t conflict with the Boys’ schedules, because they insisted that they’d both be there to support their baby and wouldn’t take your bullshit excuses for an actual reason to miss it

📕🖊 Kiri helps you make flash cards for your next test. If he remembers nothing else from Baku’s tutoring sessions the importance of repetition is drilled into him...among other things. Each time you ask him how that went he’ll just shudder. “It was the most intensely terrifying experience of my high school career, and we fought villains pretty regularly.” Kiri deadpans before grinning like the Cheshire Cat and covering his head. “You’re full of fucking shit, Shark Week! I’m the best tutor you assholes could hope for.” Baku yells pushing Kiri’s face into his pages of notes.

📕🖊 The night before your disability assessment you find yourself tossing and turning at like 4:45 in the morning. Kiri repositions pinning you in place so you face Baku’s back. You trace soft shapes into him just before he flips meeting your eyes. “Lil early isn’t it, Babygirl?” He whispers brushing away a few stray box braids covering your face. You don’t bother answering and instead offer him your palm and he takes it without hesitation interlocking your fingers with his. “Nervous?” He hums when he feels the steady trembling of your hand.

📕🖊 “Katsuki, what if there’s nothing wrong with me? What if it’s just me? What if I’m just...” you trail off not sure if you want him to hear how much this subject shakes your confidence. Bakugou moves close enough for your foreheads to touch. “If you’re just not smart? Not even possible. Whatever it is me and Kiri will help you go beyond. I know this is scary, but every first usually is.” Bakugou smiles softly

📕🖊 “Bbbbbuuut maybe I’m just du-” You attempt to argue until a sharp nip on the side of your neck where Kiri was peacefully nuzzled quiets you. “Nope. Not a chance. Pebble, don’t talk shit about my girlfriend again.” He mumbles in a gravelly half sleep voice. He settles again and snakes an arm around hips as he tugs Baku into you with the other. You open mouth your more to defend yourself but KatSuki just bops your nose as he closes his eyes, “You heard, the sexy ass red mountain. You’re fucking smart. Go back to sleep, Kay?”

📕🖊 “Kay.” You sigh digging your face into the crook of Baku’s neck. You lay there out argued but feeling overwhelming loved, so you chose to let them win the debate. The boys hardly agree on most things so they were totally probably right about this one anyways.

📕🖊 You are on a very very short list of people who Bakugou Katsuki repeats himself for. Like boy lets you “huh?” the fuck out of him. He will often cup your face or hold your hands if he needs tell you something important b/c he understands you’re a tactical learner

📕🖊 Best believe that all your future successes in classes big and small will be celebrated you getting taken out for icecream and if it’s a graded paper they’ll put on the fridge like you’re in grade school. You find it a little embarrassing but it really makes you feel like you’re making progress

📕🖊 Kiri brings your favorite snacks for study sessions so he can reward you for right answers and staying on task. You call it “childish” at first until he shrugs “Oh my bad we can try something els-” about to put them away. “Noooooo no those are my favorites.” You nearly jump over the table. Kiri has a shit eating grin the rest of the study session

📕🖊 When giving directions from the passenger seat both Kiri and Baku typically do a good job of remembering you need them to point left and right

📕🖊 If you’ve had long day in tutoring and homework and you guys are watching anime Bakugou will read the subs to you. Sometimes if he’s in a particularly good mood he might even imitate a voice or two

📕🖊 Kiri would politely let you ramble about one of your niche interests and will help you get back to your point when you get lost in a tangent

📕🖊 Don’t let these two hear you call yourself “dumb” or “stupid” Kiri will just act like he can’t comprehend what you’re saying like deadass “Pebs, speak English please. Nope not catching that, Babygirl. Did you say you were a smarticle particle? An intelligent ass motherfucker?! Oh, of course you are!” While Baku is more like “Sorry what was that? I thought I heard a very accomplished and creative thinking ass bitch say something? A incredibly capable ass bitch say something?A smart ass bitch say something?” Your only response is yes and then you get a forehead kiss

[greekgeek21]

Percy Jackson & The Avengers: Convergence - percy takes a test (which is never a good thing)

I am not dead, so there's that.

Hi Felix and Claire!

- your author

Ω ♆ Ω

If Annabeth was being honest, she understood the Avengers concerns about Percy. He hadn't really given them a reason to trust his control yet. It WAS understandable. However, she was also Percy's girlfriend, and that meant that she was ready to fight an army to defend him. That is how she found herself in this situation.

Ω ♆ Ω

"He needs to be contained!" Nick Fury shouted.

"NO! He hasn't done anything wrong! All of his actions were in self-defense!" Annabeth countered.

As soon as the team had gotten back to the tower, they had found Director Fury waiting for them in the living room. Based on the scowl adorning his face, Steve had decided that they had to jump right into the discussion about Percy. Better to get it over with, he'd said.

"Guys..." Percy sighed.

Everyone either didn't hear him, or they were ignoring him.

"He is a threat to the city. Hell, he's a threat to the world!" Fury said.

Jason's eyes crackled with lightning, "My cousin is no threat to your world. He SAVED it!"

"Multiple times!" Leo added.

"It doesn't matter how many times he's saved the world," Fury said, "It matters if he is stable enough to be out with regular society."

He had finally stopped yelling at them, and was instead speaking in an even scarier tone: calmly. It was deadly.

"Don't talk about him like he's any worse than any of your special projects," Annabeth gave Fury the full force of her death-glare, "If this were truly about stability, you would be a hypocrite; with your 'Avengers.'"

Tony gave an indignant squake-like sound at that, but everyone ignored him.

"Guys!" Percy finally yelled, standing up from his position slouched against a wall.

"This is my life you're debating here! And I feel like that gives me a vote!"

Annabeth's features softened for the first time that night, and were replaced with guilt, "I'm sorry, Seaweed Brain."

"It's fine, Wisegirl. What is NOT fine is Director Fury making orders without even telling everyone here the full truth. He KNOWS who I am, WHAT I am. That should be reason enough as to why I'm let go," Percy said.

Steve turned to glare at Fury, "What was that?"

Fury finally seemed to be coming to the conclusion that his plan to lock up Percy would not work when he said, "I know that Perseus and his team are demigods. I know more about their world than you ever should, Captain."

"Why were we not informed?" Clint asked, finally putting in his input.

"It was need-to-know, and you did NOT need to know."

Tony snorted into his glass of whiskey, "That's bullshit and you know it."

It kept going on like this for at least another ten minutes, or that's what Percy thought anyways. His ADHD often made time a jumbled mess, so it wouldn't be a shock if he was wrong. But it did go on for some length of time, that he was sure of. It went around and around and around and around...

Pretty annoying, actually.

What finally ended it was Percy shouted, "ENOUGH! I'LL JUST SHOW HIM A DEMONSTRATION OF MY CONTROL AND WE CAN BE DONE WITH ALL THIS SKATA!"

All eyes turned to him (which kinda freaked him out just for a second) simultaneously.

"Works for me," Fury commented and promptly walked out of the room, "I'll be in the pool room when you're ready, Mr. Jackson."

Ω ♆ Ω

Percy locked everyone out of the room. He walked straight into the pool room and proceeded to close the door on Annabeth's face. It wasn't about him not trusting the Avengers and the Seven, it was more about him not needing their anxiety and frustration distracting him. He was confident in his abilities, but it still helped to be around calm things.

Fury was waiting for him by the pool in all his ominous glory.

Absently, Percy wondered how he was able to hold that scowl in place all the time. It must get tiring eventually, right?

"Mr. Jackson! Are you just going to stand there all day?" Fury spoke, startling him out of his thoughts.

"No, sir. I'm just wondering what you want me to do," he answered.

Smooth, Jackson, he thought to himself.

Fury clearly saw through him, but he ignored it. "Lift the pool water up and split it in two, then freeze one half while lowering the other into the pool."

Percy scoffed, "Are you kidding me?!"

The Director's scowl somehow got deeper, and he said, "I don't kid, Mr. Jackson."

"Would you stop acting like you're better than me? I already have issues with authority, you don't need to make them worse, SIR," Percy snarked back.

He knew that it was a risk provoking Fury, but he couldn't help it. Like he said: he has issues with authority.

It didn't even work, though. Director Fury just held his gaze with an unimpressed look on his face.

Rolling his eyes, Percy sighed, "Fine. I can try to do it."

Fury smartly took a few steps back from the water's edge as Percy prepared himself. It wasn't like he didn't think he could do it. He just knew that it would be draining and annoying. Plus, he hated how new people looked at him after they saw what he could do, even if they'd already seen a display of power. That's mainly why he likes to visit his mom as much as possible. With all the new campers they've been getting, it was becoming increasingly harder to find a peaceful time to himself.

The tug in his gut was welcomed now; letting him know that he was still human. Even if the tug was significantly lesser now, it was still a reminder that he was not some all-powerful god that some people thought him to be. He had limits.

The water did not slowly rise. It instead jumped to obey his will. A week ago, that would have terrified him, but now he knew that it was just the product of his powers growing.

With the water about ten feet above their heads, still holding the shape of the pool, he split it into two bodies.

It was much easier than it used to be.

If he was going to successfully complete the next step, he had to split his focus as well. He found solace in the fact that this part was difficult for him. He gently started lowering the right side of water while he focused on the molecules in the left side. He may act stupid sometimes, but he knew his water facts. Usually, you lower the temperature in the air enough to force the water molecules to connect, but he just compelled the molecules to connect, causing it to freeze.

In his mind, the process lasted forever, but from an outsider point of view like Nick Fury's, it took about five seconds. It was impressive.

But Fury didn't let it show on his face. He hadn't truly believed that Percy would fail his test, but it was protocol to test him. He had to be absolutely sure. It was his instinct to be skeptical.

"Good. I see that my work here is done. Don't make me have to do this again, Mr. Jackson," he gave a nod to Percy before promptly leaving the room and probably the building.

Percy wasn't sure whether to be shocked or grateful that no further discussion had to be done. Spoiler alert: he chose to be grateful.

No need to look a gift horse in the mouth. Just one look at Blackjack's pearly whites and anyone would agree.

"That's all?" Annabeth asked, walking in with the rest of the heroes.

"Yep. I guess he just wanted to make sure," Percy answered.

"How come he trusts a teenager more than he trusts us?" Tony remarked.

Natasha spoke, "Because you're on our team."

"Nice," Tony deadpanned.

"You're welcome," she gave a minuscule grin.

Jason broke in, "Can we just go get some sleep now? It's been a long couple of days."

"I'm all for sleep," Piper added.

Steve smiled at the tea

Steve smiled at the team's new additions (even if they weren't aware of their induction yet), "Yes. Go get some sleep, team."

Ω ♆ Ω

I split this chapter into 2 parts, so this kinda short. At least it's an update right? Please like, comment, follow, and reblog!

- your author

other chapters :)

[literaphobe]

Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so 

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao) 

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical��� degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years) 

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

[grasslandgirl]

oooo i sent it more as a fix prompt but also from one adhdhead to another i’m glad we agree!! thinking about sam and peter study dates

ahhhh fvbjsjvkbjf im so dumb i’m sorry i saw “adhd sam” and my brain just yelled YEAH. RADICAL. and that was it kjdvskfj 

that being said i’ve been haunted by ricky montgomery’s Line Without a Hook + eldonado since yesterday so........ hmmm.... (oh no this got wildly out of hand)

-----------

Peter threw himself wholeheartedly into anything he worked on. It was just how he was built. Peter was either on or he was off, and it was hard to get him to change course once he was en route. Head down, eyes narrowed, his whole body angled down at his computer like if he got his face close enough to the screen, it would start streaming information right to and from his brain. His hair would flop, unnoticed, into his eyes and he would shove his glasses so far up his nose that Sam would worry he was going to bruise his nose. 

All this to say, of course, that study dates were something of an occupational hazard when you were best friends with Peter Maldonado.

And also secretly in love with him.

Well, mostly-secretly. Secretly to Peter, and probably only Peter, because Sam was 90% sure everyone else was in on the secret and knew how hopelessly gone Sam was for his oblivious best friend. Gabi was the only one who ever said anything to him about it, though. So, little victories. 

Finals were looming over their heads like a dark storm cloud. Looming on the horizon, fucking with barometric pressure just enough to make everyone jumpy and nervous. Peter worked well under pressure- which was a good thing, because Sam knew Peter put more pressure on himself than anyone else did- but he would always show up the night before a big exam and demand that Sam help him study. It was so commonplace after seven years of friendship that Sam didn’t question it anymore. Mostly.

There was always that small, hopeful, and nervous voice in the back of his head asking why Peter always studied with Sam when he studied just as well on his own. The only answer he could think of was that Peter knew Sam studied better with him there. But that wasn’t- that couldn’t- Sam always shut that annoying little voice down before it spiraled any further.

It didn’t do anyone any good to overcomplicate things that were objectively very simple. Peter liked routine, they were best friends, Sam was the only one who could talk Peter down from an academics-induced panic attack at 2 in the morning the night before a final exam. 2 + 2 = 4. Simple math. 

Sam was slumped on his back, halfway falling off his bed with his head and shoulders draped over the side of his mattress. The notebook he was supposed to be reviewing was abandoned, sitting on his stomach. Peter was sitting at Sam’s desk, leaned over and scowling at his laptop. 

It was unfair, really, how pretty Peter looked illuminated by the blue-white light of his notes document. Sam had the perfect view of Peter’s upside down profile, all furrowed eyebrows and clenched jaw and dark hair that’d had hands run through it too many times. It was late and Sam’s brain was wrung out and exhausted, only able to focus on Peter’s expression as he mouthed whatever obsolete moment in history he was trying to commit to memory, and the looping chorus of a Carly Rae Jepsen song he’d had stuck in his head for the last two hours. 

A big part of being friends with Peter Maldonado was knowing when to draw the line. 

“Pete, dude.” Peter looked up, blinking away the lines of notes Sam could almost see in his eyes. “It’s the middle of the night. Either we know it or we don’t at this point.”

“You think we should cut our losses?”

“I know you can survive on three hours of sleep and five cups of coffee, dude, but I can’t.” Sam tapped himself on the forehead. “This baby needs r&r or I can’t fucking function.”

“Right, right. What time is it?”

Sam sat up- an impressive showcase of his abs that Peter didn’t notice, of course- and dug around in his rumpled comforter for his phone. “12:30.”

Peter sighed heavily, tipping his head back against the headrest of Sam’s computer chair. “I should go home.”

“Dude. Just-” Sam was his own worst enemy sometimes- “just spend the night.”

“Yeah? Your moms won’t mind?”

“Nah, I’m pretty sure they assumed that’s what was happening when you showed up after dinner.”

It was probably just a weird reflection from the computer light on one of Sam’s posters onto Peter’s face. There was no way that Peter was blushing. 

“Anyway,” he continued, shoving his textbook and notes off of his bed instead of looking at Peter, “I’m gonna drive you tomorrow anyway, right? Saves me a trip.”

Peter closed his laptop with a soft click. “Yeah, sure, if it’s not-”

“It’s cool, dude, don’t be weird. Just two bros-”

“Chilling in a hot tub?”

Sam prayed Peter couldn’t see the hot blush he felt rising to his cheeks. Five feet apart cause they’re not gay. “Whatever you want, dude.”

Peter knew Sam was gay. He was the first person Sam had come out to- followed closely by Gabi and his moms. But there was a difference, Sam was sure, to having your best friend be gay versus having your best friend be gay and in love with you. An invisible line in the sand that would shift their relationship forever. Sam didn’t want to test how that shift would happen. Didn’t want to risk losing his best friend on the off chance that he wasn’t alone. 

“Right.” Peter repeated. 

They went to bed in pieces: Sam pulling on an old pair of sweatpants and throwing one to Peter, Peter neatly stacking all his notes on one corner of Sam’s desk, Sam kicking all his schoolwork to the edges of his bedroom floor as opposed to the middle of it, Peter brushing his teeth with the same toothbrush he’d kept in the Ecklund house since they were ten, Sam turning off all the lights, Peter wandering back into his bedroom, Peter’s hair turning to gold and ink in the faint streetlight coming in from the window, the two of them curling up back to back in Sam’s bed just like they always did.

And then it was dark and quiet and all Sam could hear was the faint sound of Peter’s breathing beside him. The warmth from Peter’s back mere inches from Sam’s. They’d fallen asleep next to each other a million times, but Sam still felt electric with the proximity. How easy it would be to just- stretch his legs out and wind his feet with Peter’s, to flip over and press his nose into the soft place where his hairline met the back of his neck, to whisper something hopeful and mortifying into the still night air and hear Peter’s breath catch in silent response.

Sam stayed still, held himself perfectly motionless lest he finally show his hand. And eventually, they both fell asleep.

-------------------------

Peter woke up surrounded by Sam. The pillow he’d pressed his face into smelled like Sam’s hair and the sheets on his bed were the same tacky Star Wars ones he’d been so proud of in the seventh grade and the bed was warm with Sam’s body next to him. For an instant, Peter let himself consider it: waking up next to Sam like this every day. Falling asleep with his arms wrapped around Sam and waking up with his head on his chest. 

He squeezed his eyes shut against the glaring dawn light, and against the daydream that quickly threatened to spin out of control. He could still hear Sam’s sleep heavy breathing behind him.

Slowly, Peter sat up in bed, pushing his hair out of his face and scrounging the nightstand as quietly as he could for his glasses. He allowed himself a single glance at Sam- sleep soft and sprawled out on the bed, his hand inches from where Peter’s shoulder had been, like he’d been reaching out in his sleep- before standing up and grabbing his phone from where he’d left it charging on the desk.

“Sam.” Peter poked his shoulder. “Sam.”

He groaned incoherently, but rolled over, which was a good sign. 

“You have to get up, dude.”

“Breakfast?” Sam mumbled.

“Yeah,” Peter laughed a little, “I’m sure your mom’s making breakfast.”

“Urrgghhh.”

Peter grabbed the clothes he’d left in the corner the night before and pulled an old t shirt out of Sam’s closet. “I’m stealing a shirt.”

“Oh,” Sam said, half sitting up and blinking the sleep out of his eyes. “Yeah- good, okay.”

“I’m gonna go-” Peter gestured weakly towards the door, and beyond it, the bathroom. Sam peered up at him, the light from the window hitting his face in a single pane, like something out of a sun-soaked French movie. Like this was the moment where one of them broke the uncertainty, the silence. Peter could see the scene unfolding in his mind’s eye, like he’d seen it a hundred times. He’d say something like, did you sleep well? And Sam would answer, better with you here, and Peter would oh-so-slowly close the distance and drop his jeans to the floor and Sam would arch up and meet him halfway and the camera would pan away, leaving them both washed in the golden early-morning light. “Bathroom. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Peter said, and closed the bedroom door behind him. 

He splashed water on his face and combed through his hair with his fingers, throwing on yesterday’s jeans and Sam’s t shirt under his sweatshirt and hoping it wasn’t obvious to anyone else how badly Peter wished every morning could be like this. 

He left the bathroom quickly and perched on the edge of Sam’s bed, scrolling through twitter while Sam did his hair in the bathroom. 

Breakfast was quiet and normal and filled with the usual mini-dramas in the Ecklund house. Kara didn’t want PB&J for lunch and one of Sam’s moms left the flat iron on in their bathroom and Leah almost burned the eggs and Sam spent half of breakfast finishing the math homework he’d almost forgotten he had. 

Sam drove them both to school early for the Morning Show, laughing and singing along to his “perfectly composed drive to school playlist,” and the rest of the day went on normally. He took his history test and saw Sam in math class and they sat with Ming and Randall and Phil at lunch. 

But all the while, Peter couldn’t shake the feeling that something had shifted. He’d had... feelings for Sam for a while, unquantifiable and nebulous. He’d categorized them all: the way his stomach twisted when Sam smiled at him crookedly, the skipped beat of his heart when Sam slung his arm around Peter’s shoulders, how his hands got clammy when he caught Sam watching him out of the corner of his eye, how he always found ways to hangout during and after school. But he’d never dared to name the feeling. Defining it meant- meant he should do something about it. Made it real. 

But that morning, waking up next to Sam, borrowing his t shirt to wear to school, falling asleep next to each other- they were all things they’d done a million times before. Peter’s chest ached with the normalcy, the domesticity of it. 

Peter’s fingers itched to try and piece it all together, his feelings and Sam’s and their history together. String it all together on a corkboard until it made sense. But Peter knew it wouldn’t work. Not without Sam there to see the bigger picture in the first place. It’s why they worked so well together; Peter would gather and organize all the information, but Sam was the one that knew how to put it together, knew how to see the forest from the trees in a way Peter never could on his own. Even if he tried to map out the snarl of feelings in his chest, Peter knew he’d be left with a labyrinth of post-its and red string without Sam there to untangle it for him.

Dramatic irony, he supposed.

Peter caught the bus home, Sam had something for theatre after school, and spent the entire ride with his music turned as high as it would go, trying not to think about Sam as he stared out the window. 

The problem, Peter realized, with being a self-professed movie lover, is that your brain starts to treat life like a movie. He could imagine a dozen different ways his life could spiral out from this moment, a dozen different movie time-lines he could find himself in. The tragedy, where he never tells Sam and lives his entire life in uncertainty. The drama, where he tells Sam and it tears their friendship apart. The tragic love story, where he and Sam are together and happy until they’re not. The comedy, where Sam laughs him off and they go back to their friendship with a tiny crack between them, spackled over with laughter that’s just a little strained. 

The romantic comedy, where everything goes perfect and they ride out into the sunset. 

Life wasn’t like the movies, though, nothing ever went as simple or as straightforward or as cinematic. There isn’t a director behind the camera who can call cut and change the scene halfway through. There aren’t any sweeping cinematic shots with atmospheric indie pop playing in the background.

It was just Peter, and Sam, and the creeping uncertainty hanging between them. 

Right before dinner that night, Peter got a text from Sam.

sam: thanks for the study help last night, felt good about the test today

sam: don’t stress i know youre freaking out about it too

sam: you did great on the test pete i know it

Peter blinked at his phone, at the unspoken I know you hidden inbetween the lines. Sam knew him better than anyone, knew his habits and his worries and his annoying little tendencies. And he was still there. 

And that, Peter realized, said more than anything else.

Love wasn’t a panoramic of a passionate kiss at sunset. It was knowing someone, learning them backwards and forwards, all the good and the bad pieces of them. It was staying, not despite everything, but because of it.

Peter loved him. It was as simple and as complicated as that.

--------------------

The doorbell rang at the end of dinner. Sam rushed to get to the door before his sisters- if he was lucky, it was their batty old neighbor Mrs Gorschtt and she would prattle on for fifteen minutes about her cat, shove a cake into Sam’s hands, and get him out of having to help clean the kitchen.

But when he opened the door, it wasn’t Mrs Gorschtt standing on the front porch, it was Peter. 

“Hey, dude, what’s up? We don’t have like a math test tomorrow I blanked on, do we?”

“Huh?” Peter blinked at him, “No, no.”

“So, what’s up?” Sam stepped out onto the porch beside Peter, closing the front door behind him. Maybe he could still get out of washing the dinner dishes. 

“Uh- so, the thing is-” Peter muttered, twisting one of the strings from his hoodie between his fingers. Sam’s stomach dropped; something was wrong. Peter was nervous, uncertain about something. He wasn’t looking Sam in the eye, and he had one arm wrapped around his stomach like a shield. His head started spinning with a million different things Peter could be upset about, but the thing Sam kept coming back to- he knew.

Somehow, Peter had finally figured him out. And he was coming to tell Sam- what? That they couldn’t be friends anymore? That Sam had made it weird? 

“Pete-” Sam started, trying to cover his bases, trying to fix this before his best friendship in the world went up in flames.

“You’re the only one who calls me that.” Peter interrupted, finally looking at Sam.

“What?”

“Pete. You’re the only one.”

“I- we’re friends, dude, I’m allowed to have nicknames.” Sam tried to laugh, but it sounded forced, even to his ears.

“I- I know,” Peter’s eyebrows were furrowed, and he was staring at Sam like he was a page of history notes he was trying to memorize. “I got your text.”

“Oh, uh okay.”

“Sammy, I uh, I have to say something, and I want you to promise you’ll let me finish.”

Sam’s stomach dropped even further. Here it was. The end of everything. “Right,” he tried to smile at Peter, “sure dude, whatever you need.”

Peter nodded. “You’ve been my best friend since the fifth grade. You know all of my secrets, all the bad things that I don’t tell anyone else. You know that I don’t like orange-flavored things because I had too much orange-flavored medicine as a child and that I stay up too late studying the night before a test and I panic after I finish taking it. You watch movies I recommend, even though you think High School Musical 2 is the best movie ever made, you- god-” Peter scrubs his hands through his hair, clenching his eyes closed briefly- “this would be so much easier if I could just- you can see the big picture. Like with this you could just- take the words, the discrete pieces of data and put them together. Make it cohesive, coherent. I’m not making sense,” he muttered.

“Pete-”

“I don’t want to just spend the night after study dates.” Peter blurted out abruptly. His face froze, like he wasn’t sure what he just said, like he was terrified Sam was going to misunderstand. “I- I mean. I want to do real dates. With you. And spend the night and wear your clothes and have my hoodies smell like you and watch you spin around in the morning show chairs without having to worry about you catching me and I want to see you without gel in your hair and I want to lean against you when we have movie nights and-”

“Pete.”

“Sammy,” Peter said, kind of breathless. “Go on a date with me.”

“Like a study date?” Sam said, also kind of breathless.

“Like a date-date. Please.”

“Yeah. Yeah, just- come here-” and then Sam’s hands were on either side of Peter’s face and his fingers were in his hair and Peter’s hands were caught in Sam’s sweater and then-

Peter kissed like he didn’t know all the answers, for once, and he was okay with it. Peter kissed like he was memorizing everything about the moment. Peter kissed like he was planning on replaying it like an old video tape, over and over until the tape wore thin and tore. Peter kissed like he could hear the orchestra playing behind them, like they were in some cheesy made for tv rom com and were about to get their happy ending.

Peter kissed like Sam was his happy ending.

Finally, they broke apart- more to catch their breath than anything else. 

“Hell of a study date,” Sam breathed, unable to stop smiling.

“Shut up.” Peter was smiling, too.

And, leaning back in, Sam did.

[breakingsomething]

the fall part fifteen - the topic of forgiveness

basic summary: marvin does an emotional speedrun. chase attempts an apology. a storm is coming.

trigger warnings: mentions of medication, hypnosis

tagslist: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow @graveyardlettuce @lower-your-expectationss

marvin had had hangovers before, but this one was just awful.

the hotel was nice though. someone that he assumed was staff had brought him toast and apple juice, which he was immensely grateful for. it helped his headache ease. then he'd spent the morning psyching himself up for getting up and going to face his brothers again, which he really didn't want to do but knew he'd have to eventually. he supposed he couldn't avoid his responsibilities forever. ugh, everything hurt.

"what was the name of the man who paid for my room last night?" he asked the receptionist as he finally worked up the energy to check out. the woman smiled at him, the computer screen lighting up her face as marvin waited patiently, clinging to the desk for support. he was tired as shit. maybe he should have taken advantage of the free room and slept longer, but he knew his brothers would be worried. he wondered how many frantic texts they'd sent him before remembering anti had stolen his phone. the thought shouldn't have been funny. yeah, he needed a nap.

"it was… anthony berlin," the woman told him, pushing up her glasses as she looked at him. marvin nodded. he didn't recognize the name, like he'd expected. a small part of him had thought the interaction between them had seemed very familiar, but of course he'd been drunk out of his mind. he probably was just imagining things.

"thank you," he said gratefully, and flashed a small smile at her as he left. this hotel was pretty nice, actually. he wondered how much it had cost for a room, but decided not to ask that as well. once outside, the cold air practically slapped him in the face. well, that was one kind of wake up call. he should definitely go back home now.

he didn't.

he walked to naomi's instead. she'd managed to move back yesterday, though the shop was closed and likely wouldn't reopen for a little while. he went up the fire escape and knocked on the side door, whistling sharply to let her know who it was. it took her only about a minute to answer, and marvin breathed a sigh of relief when she did.

"why are you on my fire escape?" was the first thing she asked. she looked different from the last time he'd seen her; bags under her eyes, hair yanked back into pigtails, fringe hanging in her face. "i mean, good to see you. uh. yeah. good to see you."

"good to see you too," he said softly. he tapped his shoes on the metal bars, avoiding the thin vines that had woven themselves through them. he cleared his throat and glanced back up at her. "do you wanna go somewhere? the beach, maybe? we could go sit at the gazebo and get fish and chips? or -"

"fish and chips sounds good," she interrupted. a grin split her face. "let me get dressed very quick. i'll be out in five minutes."

five minutes later, they were on their way down the steps and towards the high street, talking casually like the events of last week hadn't happened. it was only once they'd arrived at the shop down the street that naomi quietened, lowering her head and silently taking marvin's hand.

"they're going to start me on carbamazepine," she murmured. "that's usually used to treat epilepsy, but it's effective for bipolar as well. the lithium wasn't working anyway, so they're easing me off of it. i should be good in a month or so."

marvin blinked, then smiled wide. "oh - naomi, that's great!"

she snorted, turning her face away so he couldn't see her grin. "yeah, i suppose. i'm - i'm sorry about my breakdown. i know i must have scared you."

he squeezed her hand gently. "you're ok. i've… i've dealt with things like that before. henrik sometimes has flashbacks and barely recognizes us when we try to help him. we're always there for him, and i'll always be there for you."

naomi's lips parted, and her eyes flickered away. "oh, uh - thank you. thank you, marvin, i… ugh, i don't know why you put up with me sometimes. but thank you for it."

they each got a container of fish and chips, then walked to the gazebo, grabbing a spot on the benches. "you'd think there'd be more people here so early on a - what day is it?" marvin said as they ate. "thursday?"

"i think so," naomi said. she threw a chip across the ground, and above twenty seagulls immediately flew down and began fighting over it. "lost track of the days. they're all the same, anyway. boring." she glanced at marvin. "unless you're visiting. those days are easier to manage."

marvin went silent, staring at his plastic fork. it was a minute or so until he spoke again. "are you really ok? now, i mean. i imagine that - breakdown, was, uh… something that'd been building up for a while."

she sighed, crossing her legs over each other. "i guess. i do feel better, yes. i'm going back to therapy and i believe new meds will help a lot. i just… it scares me, the way my magic exploded like that."

marvin hunched further over himself, resting his elbows on his thighs. "has that happened before?"

"mm-hmm," she hummed. "never to that extreme, but yes. i suppose that happens when you - when you're bottling up so much emotion inside of you. you can just explode."

she kept talking, but marvin was staring down at his food with unfocused eyes, suddenly not hungry. he had lashed out at chase with his magic. had that been why? maybe marvin wasn't as composed and put together as he thought he was. maybe. but he was supposed to be the big brother now. he couldn't afford any explosions like that again.

"- anyway, what's been happening with you? it seems all i've talked about is myself," naomi was saying. marvin jolted, snapping back to attention guiltily with wide eyes. naomi giggled at the look on face. "daydreaming a bit there, pyro?"

he laughed. "maybe, maybe. sorry. i'm - doing fine, yeah, fine." he decided not to mention the storm or anti or his own magic explosion. she didn't need more stress on top of her own. "do you wanna walk down to the beach? i'm sick of sitting still, and we've been here for like, ten minutes."

"sounds about right, you adhd ridden bastard," naomi joked, and they set off again, chatting about nothing the way they always had. it made marvin's head hurt. something about how… how usual, how samey this was. it was like the past three months hadn't even happened. like it was april and they'd just celebrated chase's birthday and jackie had come home with a huge cake, having forgotten henrik was supposed to be getting it, and chase had ended up with two cakes that he'd shared with the kids and even stacy when they'd come round to give them his presents. marvin remembered on that specific day they'd sat out the back and ran about like idiots for a few hours, even some of the adults. jackie had lifted louise onto his shoulders and marvin had taken connor, and they'd raced up and down the garden, stacy occasionally yelling for them to slow it down before they got hurt. a few neighbourhood kids climbed the fence to play with them, and eventually it had turned into a right party, every one of them laughing so hard their chests hurt, the heat of the sun making them all dizzy and warm. it had been such a good day. and to think that all that time, anti had been chained up in jackie's makeshift base under that shop, tortured and hurt. just the thought of that made the memory sour. why had that been better days?

"you know, everything's been so strange lately, hasn't it?" naomi said, stirring him from his thoughts. they had arrived at the stone steps down to the beach, and naomi was walking down the wall with her arms outstretched so she wouldn't fall. "ever since you, uh, found anti. like, there was the veil breaking, the resurface of the black magic people, that weird ass storm…" she stumbled, then leaped from the wall to the sand of the beach. "a lot has happened in just three months."

"yeah," marvin murmured, kicking sand into the air. the wind blowing off the water was salty and cold, messing up his already scruffy hair. "it's all shitty! all shitty. let's just… let's run down to the bottom of the beach and then go back up towards the park." he glanced at naomi, grinning. "what do you say?"

naomi's eyed flashed with mischief. "i say... i have a head start," she said, then took off running like a child, sand flying behind her.

"hey!" marvin called. he raced after her, the wind roaring in his ears, nearly slipping on the unstable ground several times. he caught up with her right as she reached the second flight of steps. "that was - that was cheating, you asshole - rematch, rematch!"

"catch your breath first, pyro," naomi grinned. they sat at the top of the steps next to the park, the grass still wet from the rain. marvin doubled over and rested his head on his knees, breathing hard.

"you're - terrible," he gasped. "swear to - god, i'm - gonna - get you back."

"pfft. you wish." she ruffled his hair, and he gave a small shriek of annoyance. she laughed at his reaction and leaned back to look at the sky, laying her back on the grass. "it's getting dark already. think it's gonna rain again?"

marvin laid back too, facing upwards. the sky was getting very grey, black clouds rolling in. "maybe," he agreed after a moment. "hopefully not for a little while."

they just rested in each other's presence for a while, warm and comfortable. "i missed this," naomi murmured. "just sitting doing nothing like this. it feels like i'm always doing something these days."

marvin nodded, yawning contentedly. "yeah, i get the feeling. so much shit always going on." he raised his hand to the sky, twirling faint strands of magic round his fingers, small and controlled. "i just wanna run around and do random bullshit again."

the wind rustled the trees, people playing faintly in the background of the park. it was a while before naomi spoke. "do you think raymond's alright?"

marvin startled. he had barely thought about raymond since he'd been taken, mostly because the memories hurt and he didn't like to think. a small stab of guilt hit him, and he turned his face, cheek touching the cold grass. "i dunno," he mumbled. "i hope."

the truth was, raymond had now been missing for almost a month, and hecate was starting to lose hope for finding him. marvin never thought he'd say it, but he hoped he'd be ok. the two of them had been really close, once. and as much of a dick as his ex was, marvin didn't want him in the hands of jackie.

"remember the day we met?" naomi said. she raised her arm next to marvin's, and several dead leaves flew off the ground to rotate round her hand, visibly getting greener and brighter as they spun. "you were running from him cause you owed him money. you ran into my shop to hide. that's how you set my door on fire, ha!"

marvin found himself giggling at the memory. "oh my god, yeah. and i was hiding under the cash register bit while you told him to fuck off in swedish? holy shit, that was fantastic."

naomi's arm shook with the force of her laughter, and she bumped into marvin, resting their hands together in the air. "i wish you could have seen the look on his face, he was raging. i suppose we have him to thank for us meeting, actually, which is very weird." she turned towards marvin, dark eyes twinkling. "that's pretty funny, when i think about it. the irony, ha -"

she froze. marvin opened his mouth as if to say something, but just licked his lips and swallowed, mouth dry. was she implying what he thought she was?

"can i kiss you?" he said without thinking. his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his fingertips, which were now entertwined with naomi's. he wondered dimly if she could feel his heartbeat.

"i'd like that," she whispered.

marvin leaned forwards, eyes fluttering shut, and pressed his lips to hers before quickly pulling away. "shit," he giggled, covering his face with his hands. "i've forgotten how romance works."

naomi laughed. "no, you're doing it right." she rolled over and bumped their noses together. her breath was warm, chocolate eyes sparkling like stars. "this is peak romance. kiss me again."

and he did.

-

the yelling started as soon as he got in.

"where the fuck were you?"

"henrik, calm -"

"chase, i told you to let me -"

"no, i told you not to be an asshole!"

marvin just stood there and took it. he couldn't be bothered to say anything back. really, it was amazing how quickly a good mood could dissipate in this house.

"jesus, marvin, are you even listening?" henrik cried. his face was blotchy, hair mussed like he'd just been asleep. he poked a finger into marvin's chest, face screwed up in anger. "you didn't come back for hours, you sent us one bullshit text saying "oh, i'm taken care of for the night," and then you don't message us again! what are you playing at?"

marvin sighed, closing his eyes. "i never texted you, henrik."

"- and you even think you can - you what?"

marvin winced at how cold henrik's tone had gone. "i didn't text you," he said, loud and clear. "anti stole my fucking phone. i spent the night in a hotel then went out with naomi. is that ok by you?"

henrik blinked, mouth falling open. "you - i - i thought you'd gotten your phone back! who texted us saying you were alright if -"

"don't know, don't care," marvin muttered, before pushing past henrik and standing in front of chase, speaking to him only. "i'm sorry i lashed out. i should have been more in control and i shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"no, i was being the asshole," chase sighed. he leaned against the oven, bouncing on his heels and biting his lip. "i was mad about something else and took it out on you. i'm really sorry."

marvin nodded. "well, then that's settled," he said. "problem solved. i see no more reason for us to fight anymore."

"i - what - no!" henrik spluttered. his glasses had fogged up with his anger, and he quickly took them off to wipe them. "i'm not done -"

"i don't give a shit." there was no warmth in marvin's voice, no emotion at all. "i'm done. i'll see you guys later."

and with that, he raised his chin and matched out of the room, head held high until he got to his room and collapsed against his door, trembling and eyes stinging.

he sighed softly, breaths shuddering. maybe he should have asked naomi to borrow her phone so he could message his brothers like he'd originally planned to do. to be fair, he'd gotten a bit preoccupied. a smile spread across his lips, and he gently touched them with the pads of his fingers like a lovesick teenager. well, something good had happened today. something different. maybe that was what he'd needed.

-

"i'm going for a walk."

henrik barely looked up from his computer. "sure. go for it." then he blinked, suddenly softening and looking up at his brother with tired, pale blue eyes. "and… be safe. are you alright?"

"mm," chase grunted, already yanking on his jacket and pulling on his boots. "i'm fine. i'm gonna - meet lucas, actually. i should be back soon."

henrik pursed his lips, nodding slowly. he glanced back towards his screen, but his eyes kept flickering back to chase, concern etched in his face. chase ignored it. he had shit he had to do.

he needed to apologize to lucas. in person. he'd already texted him, but felt like he owed him a real life apology for running out on him like he had. chase had no clue what he was going to say - sorry i freaked out when our faces got too close, i have childhood trauma relating to my sexuality that's scarred me for life - but lucas had agreed to meet him next to the train station, and chase was already rehearsing what he was going to say in his head. hopefully they could be friends again after. he'd hate to lose a friend to something so dumb.

"sir! excuse me, sir, sir!"

chase whipped round at the sudden frantic cries. running up behind him was a man with curly black hair and a long coat, freckled face pale and panicky. he stopped and doubled over, trying to catch a breath. "i'm sorry - but my - my children, my two sons, they've disappeared and a woman down the path told me she'd seen them come up here with some man - have you seen them?" he was shaking, eyes wide with alarm. "please - i can't lose them, please help me!"

chase made several stuttering sounds, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. his chest tightened in sympathy for the man; chase had lost his own kids before, and he could feel the man's panic in his own heart. lucas was going to have to wait. "i haven't seen them, i'm sorry," he said, and the man sobbed with dismay. chase held up both hands, stepping forwards. "but i'll help you look for them! they came this way?"

"yes, yes," the man cried, his scottish accent thickening with tears, swiping at his face. "i asked several people, a woman with a pram told me she'd seen two boys, black hair like mine, coming this way. i'm - i'm so sorry to bother you, oh god, i'm just so sc-scared…"

"hey, it's ok," chase comforted, flapping his hands awkwardly. "i'll help look. come on, let's see what we can find."

the streets were oddly empty. strange, it wasn't even six o'clock yet. "what are your kids names?" chase asked, attempting to distract him.

"dolos and apate," he babbled, tripping over his shoelaces as he walked. "they're twins, seven years old, my wife chose the names because she loves names that mean things. she died recently and there's been - there's been no one else to help me look after them…"

"i'm - i'm sorry," chase said, eyes scanning his surroundings as they got deeper into the city, farther away from the train station. "uh, what's your name? i forgot to ask that, i'm sorry."

"ronald," he said, getting farther away from chase as he walked faster. "i know, such a difference from my kid's names - fuck, i don't know what i'll do if i can't find them!"

"sl-slow down!" chase wheezed, clutching at his side. ronald paid no mind and raced round a corner, disappearing from view. chase cursed silently. "ronald - be careful!"

it was only when chase turned the corner too that he realized something was wrong.

in front of him was was the music shop. silent aside from the blowing wind, birds cawing in the darkening sky. ronald had completely disappeared, and all chase could hear now was his ragged breathing and the blood pumping in his ears.

"ronald?" he said softly.

a sudden, blood curdling scream suddenly rang out from inside the store.

chase wasted no time. he took off like a shot, shoving the doors wide open and darting inside. "ronald?" he cried, bouncing round the room looking for a door. there was nothing, just a small back room that was completely empty apart from a charred guitar. "ronald, where -"

and oh, shit. there was a door behind the place that had once probably been a cash register, slowly opening to reveal what looked like a white hallway, where chase could hear faint screams emitting from.

his first thought was to call the police. he dialed the number as quickly as he could with shaking fingers, waiting for someone to answer. eventually, after far too long, someone did. "hello?" came a man's cockney english accent. "brighton police, what's your emergency?"

chase quickly filled them in on the situation, all the while walking slowly closer to the white door. he felt like something was drawing him closer, calling him, even. "that does sound serious," the policeman was saying, somewhere far away. "do you know if the man is alright? he's screaming, yeah? well, that's not ideal. maybe it'd be best to go see he's ok."

"yeah," chase mumbled softly. his head felt like it was full of wool. "maybe i should."

he could hear the policeman laughing as the phone slipped from his hands.

the hallway was painted white, no doors or windows, slanting downwards to a large silver door at the end. and it was the sound of the door behind him slamming shut that snapped him out of his strange trance, eyed widening with the gravity of the situation as he realized he was somehow trapped.

"hey - hey, let me out!" he screamed, sudden panic filling his veins and making him immediately lightheaded. "no, no, no, this isn't funny, let me out, please, please let me -"

"chase," came a familiar irish accent. chase took a sharp breath, not daring to look. not daring to turn towards the source of the voice he hadn't heard since the owner of it had threw him in the air with black magic. "chase, i want you to listen to me."

-

someone was tapping on marvin's window.

now, the problem with this was that he was on the second story, maybe ten feet off the ground. he hauled himself off his bed, shoving his laptop to the side and blinking away his headache. he'd been so caught up in messaging naomi that he hadn't even noticed the room had gotten dark. it had probably been staring at the bright screen that had caused the problem. he yawned, rubbing his temples, and threw open his curtains to see -

"oh, you're fucking shitting me," marvin shouted. he threw his hands up in the air, staring at the man who was somehow ten feet in the air, clinging to a pipe with shaky fingers, grinning proudly as he looked in. anti tapped the window again, managing a small wave before gripping the pipe again.

marvin shut the curtains.

the frantic banging started up again straight away. marvin rolled his eyes and opened the curtains again. "what do you want?" he asked flatly, glaring at anti hugging the pipe tightly. he was pale and trembling, soaked through from the rain, nose bleeding with a bruise over one eye.

anti made a face and attempted to mouth something. marvin furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, not understanding. it was harder to tell what he was trying to say with no tongue in his mouth. eventually, marvin managed to decipher it. "you got mugged?"

anti nodded. marvin gave a despairing sigh and dragged a hand down his face. "ok. give me one good reason why i should trust you."

anti opened his mouth again, but suddenly his fingers slipped and he nearly fell, scrabbling to find a foothold so he wouldn't be left dangling in the air. his breathing visibly quickened, and he shook his head rapidly, mouthing one word over and over. marvin couldn't tell what it was, but he could also tell that anti was absolutely going to fall if marvin didn't let him in.

part of him wanted to shut the curtains and just let him go. another part of him wanted to open the window and smack anti's hands off the pipe himself. and another part of him, a much more depressing part, just didn't want to see anyone hurt anymore.

"you're so pathetic," marvin said flatly. anti nodded solemnly.

with a dramatic eyeroll, marvin pushed open the window, reaching out an arm to pull anti inside. anti gasped with relief as he left go of the pipe and tumbled to the floor, slamming his head off marvin's desk. marvin didn't move to help him.

anti groaned in pain. but by the time he'd sat up, marvin had a glowing hand held in front of his face. "this is a damage spell," he growled, pressing his other hand to anti's chest. "i've just wound up all the power based magic in my body and compressed it into my hand. i will not fucking hesitate to shoot this through your goddamn skull if you so much as touch me or my brothers at any point. i will eviscerate you. do you hear me? i will eviscerate you."

anti nodded again, eyes wide. the second marvin let go, he scrambled back into the wall, breathing heavily and clutching at his neck.

marvin narrowed his eyes, lowering his hand just slightly. "now. tell me what you're doing here or i throw you back out the fucking window."

anti didn't even attempt to respond. he just stared at marvin's lit up hand, his pupils dilated. he swallowed, almost completely unmoving.

marvin sighed and shook the magic from his hand, distributing it throughout his body again. "fucking hell," he muttered, and sat back on his heels. "hurry up and talk. i'm getting sick of the sight of you."

anti blinked and raised his hands to sign, but they were shaking so badly he couldn't seem to move them properly. marvin frowned and touched one of them, yelping. "fuck - you are so goddamn cold, how are you even alive?"

he paused, then tugged down anti's right hoodie sleeve, making him flinch. his wrist was still somehow bruised and painful looking. "how did you even do this, anti?" marvin despaired. "i'm just - fucking hell. how did you climb up in this state?"

anti's eyes had gone slightly unfocused. he didn't appear to be listening. marvin groaned. "here - do you have my phone? you can communicate using that."

anti shook his head, and marvin sighed again. "didn't expect so," he muttered, and went to get his computer off his bed. before handing it to anti, he held up a hand in warning again. "break this and you die. i'm not fucking playing around."

anti made a face and slowly flapped his hands in a circle, trying to warm them up enough to type. "the phone and also your kitchen knife got taken when i got mugged," he wrote slowly into an empty google doc. "sorry."

"of course," marvin sighed. "of course. so what do you want?"

anti hesitated before writing the next part. "can i borrow your computer?"

marvin didn't even have any words. for a moment he just stared at anti, open mouthed, before raising a hand and slapping him across the face.

anti yelped loudly and made an exaggerated what the fuck face. marvin curled his hands up with rage, digging his nails into his palms. "you - you, you - you fucking dare even -" he was shaking with anger, tears picking the backs of his eyes. "oh, you fucking infuriate me!"

anti attempted to write something again, but marvin cut him off, slamming his laptop shut. "no. get out. get the fuck out. i don't know why i decided to let you in here. get out."

"wait!" anti signed quickly. "i'm trying to -"

"no!" marvin cut off. "i don't want to hear it -"

"i'm trying to find -"

"i'm giving you ten seconds to get out or -"

"i'm trying to find dapper!"

marvin froze at that last sign. anti looked like he wanted to retract his statement as he saw the look on marvin's face. "you fucking what?"

anti shrank back briefly before sitting up again, trying to regain some scrap of dignity. "i've been looking for dapper," he signed, keeping his eyes trained on marvin. "he's nearby, i know he is, and i -"

"if you think we're letting you near him ever again," marvin said quietly. "you're wrong."

they were interrupted by the sound of anti's stomach rumbling loudly in the quiet room. anti winced and pressed his hands in on his stomach, trying to silence himself. "hungry?" marvin asked with a raised eyebrow. anti flushed, rolling his eyes. he shook his head, removing his hand from his stomach. it immediately started up again and anti hissed through his teeth, curling in on himself.

"i should… probably get you food," marvin said quietly. he still had no clue why he was doing this. why he was giving anti second chances. he breathed in and out, trying to calm himself again before speaking. "fucking hell, why am i even bothering…"

he stood, blowing air out his cheeks as he thought. "you're not staying the night here," he said firmly. anti looked like he wanted to protest, but lowered his hands after probably a second of self reflection. marvin nodded, satisfied. "and i'm not letting you use my computer. especially not for - that. but i will get you food and water and an ice pack for your wrist, cause you're really pathetic and as much as i despise you, i don't wanna find your body on the floor of a bus shelter one day. you got all that?"

anti bobbed his head slowly. marvin glared down at him. "now, stay quiet while i get you shit."

anti's shoulders slumped down, and he gestured to his mouth, making a face of seriously?

marvin groaned. "i mean it, anti. shut the fuck up. if henrik finds out you're here, he'll kill you. and i will let him. got it?"

"fine," anti signed, glancing away. "i'll shut up."

marvin grabbed the doorknob and shook his head. "i can't believe i'm trusting you again," he muttered, before opening the door and immediately coming face to face with henrik.

for a moment, neither man said anything. then henrik started. "trust who again?"

marvin's heart was racing. "uhhhh… myself?" he nodded quickly, his palms suddenly sweaty despite the cold. "giving myself a pep talk. you know, gotta stay on my toes." he laughed nervously, and he hoped anti had had enough sense to duck out of sight in case henrik peeked in. henrik glowered, and for a moment marvin was completely convinced he knew. then the other man lowered his gaze and sighed.

"ok, sure. marvin, i'm - i'm sorry i was an asshole to you. we can't keep going in fucking circles like this." he laughed softly. "not to sound like that arschloch. honestly, i hope he's suffering in the rain out there. i can think of no one who deserves it more."

marvin winced. "uh, yeah. i'm just gonna -" he gently pushed by to get down the stairs, desperately praying that henrik wouldn't look in his room. "i'm gonna make food. 'scuse me."

"marvin," henrik called, and marvin briefly screwed up his face before turning round again. the doctor was looking down at the floor, wringing his hands awkwardly. "i - i'm genuinely very sorry. i know i… didn't sound sincere before. probably because i wasn't being sincere. but now i am." he took a sharp breath between his teeth. "i think we should stop fighting. put all this anti business behind him. i think we can now both agree that anti is an untrustworthy bastard, right?"

marvin bit the side of his lip, guilt welling in his chest. "mm-hmm," he hummed, beginning to step down the stairs. "i'm - sorry too. i am. thank you for… yeah."

his heart pounded as he darted through the house to the kitchen. and as he started on making a sandwich with a packet of crisps, he wished and wished jackie had never picked up that fucking necklace.

-

"jackie," chase said, voice unsteady. "jackie, i don't - i don't… i don't understand."

jackie nodded slowly. both his hands were raised next to his face, covered by a pair of gloves. red hoodie, mussed hair, goggles on top of his head; he looked almost the same as he always did. but chase knew this wasn't the same man he'd once called brother. the blue of his eyes had turned a solid black, and although chase couldn't see his necklace, he knew it must be underneath his shirt. he wasn't even wearing the thick glasses he could never see without. chase took him in, heart pounding in his ears.

"just listen to me a second," jackie said softly. chase nearly sobbed at his voice. "please. i need to -"

"where's ronald?" chase demanded loudly. his eyes darted back and forth, looking for any other way out of this tiny hallway. "and i've - i've called the police. they'll be here soon."

jackie sighed, then tapped the back of his gauges. "come in," he murmured, and suddenly the silver door behind him opened up, two people stepping through. one was ronald, dead eyed and stiff. the other was a tall blonde man chase didn't recognize, wearing a trench coat and holding a bat. jackie gestured towards each of them respectively. "chase, this is rhudy. and this… this is aaron, our dear policeman. also my boyfriend."

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello," aaron said in a mocking tone, flashing chase a grin. ronald - rhudy - didn't move. just stared straight ahead without any expression on his face. chase felt sick.

"you tricked me?" he spat. "you - this - this is the boyfriend that hurt henrik?"

aaron rolled his eyes. "no, i'm one of his many other boyfriends. i'm the one he saves specifically for when he needs someone to pretend to be a policeman."

jackie turned and shot aaron a glare before turning back to chase, softening. "i want to talk to you. there was no evil intentions behind this, i swear. i just needed you to listen."

"this is where you kept anti," chase managed. his lip was quivering, and he blinked hard so he wouldn't cry. "this place, this weird b-base of yours - why? i don't understand. and why him?" he waved a trembling hand towards rhudy. "what's wrong with him? why does he look like that?"

jackie took a step forwards, just slowly. "i built this place to hold anti, yes. very high tech, but i had help." behind him, aaron straightened, tilting his head up proudly. "and rhudy is - no one important. well, he is, but not to you."

chase shook his head, fear pulsing in his veins. "why's he so… dead looking? why did you lure me here?"

"well, to answer your first question… he is dead," jackie explained, like it was nothing. "i killed him. accidentally, of course, and i didn't realize until recently. this is his soul you're seeing. i control it." he lifted a hand, and rhudy immediately followed, blank faced. jackie smirked. "like a little puppet. remember when anti was younger and always called us his puppets? oh, the sweet sound of the tables turning… warms my heart."

chase's breathing quickened, his stomach rolling. he could taste the bacon tortellini he'd eaten for lunch in his mouth again. "you - he - jackie, that's so fucked!" he squeaked, ashamed of how wavering his voice was. "that's so fucked, i - what do you want from me? answer the question!"

aaron opened his mouth, but without even turning round jackie held up a hand and aaron silenced himself, huffing and leaning on his bat. jackie looked suddenly serious. "chaser, i want you to believe me. this necklace - it's… corrupting me." his hand drifted towards his collar, and he clutched at something beneath his hoodie. jackie winced in pain, and chase's heart tightened. his brother looked up, desperation visible in his dark eyes. "i want rid of it, but i don't know h-how… i feel like something bad is taking over my mind, m-making me do things… i don't want to be like this. i don't, i don't." he shook his head, screwing up his face. "i'm so sorry i hurt you."

everything about this screamed danger. but chase found himself taking another small step forwards, lifting a hand to touch jackie's arm gently. "i knew it wasn't you," he choked out. "i told marvin and henrik. i told them. i said that you were still in there, that your magic was just hurting you - i'm sorry i doubted you, i'm -"

jackie suddenly pulled him in for a hug. chase didn't even hesitate, just immediately melted into it, clinging to his brother like an anchor. jackie was cold. he had always been so warm.

"i'm sorry," jackie whispered, voice cracking. "i love you, chaser, i love you with all my heart."

"i love you too," chase sobbed. he opened his eyes briefly, and looked at aaron and rhudy. rhudy didn't move or react. aaron was looking at his phone, bored. he glanced up to give chase a small, wicked smile, eyes glittering.

"tell me you really love me," jackie said. there was something in his voice that instantly put chase at ease, making him relax in jackie's arms, warm and sleepy.

"i really love you," chase murmured.

jackie's grip tightened on his back. "tell me you'll obey."

"i'll obey," chase said, even quieter.

jackie pulled away, smiling and facing chase head on. oh, his head was spinning. he felt so empty, his thoughts gone. "good," jackie grinned. "good. now listen closely."

he leaned into chase's face. "you're going to go straight home and forget you ever saw us, or that you came to this store at all," he whispered, voice dripping like honey, filling chase's head. he nodded sleepily. jackie smirked even further. "you're going to wait until i tell you i need you. understood, chaser? nod again if you understand."

chase hummed softly, bobbing his head mechanically. "i understand," he said flatly. "i understand."

jackie pushed him away gently, turning chase towards the door and opening with a few button presses. "by the time you've left the store, you'll have forgotten everything," jackie told him, his voice far away. "remember what i told you. i love you, chaser."

true to his word, by the time chase had gotten back out into the now pouring rain and the colour returned to his eyes and face, he didn't remember a thing. had he been planning to meet someone? he didn't think so. no, he needed to go home. go home and wait until he was needed. needed? needed for what? his thoughts screamed. chase shook it off. fuck, he had forgotten to take his meds this morning. must have been why he was so confused suddenly. it must be.

he hummed to himself the whole way home.

-

anti was right where marvin had left him. leaning against the wall under the window, shivering and burying his face in the curtains. marvin sat down beside him. "made you a sandwich. it's, uh, bread and butter with like, a full bag of cheese and onion crisps. i also have a bottle of water. it's tap water. and a pack of ice." he placed the last one on anti's wrist under his sleeve. anti sat up, hissing through his teeth at the pain. his eyes darted back and forth across the room, and marvin frowned. "are you alright?"

scowling, anti nodded, yanking his hand away and pulling it close to his chest. silently, he grabbed the water bottle and clingwrapped sandwich and stuffed them in his hoodie pockets, not meeting marvin's eyes.

"you're welcome," marvin said sarcastically. anti rolled his eyes and tried to push himself to his feet, managing to get onto the windowsill again.

"yeah, you'll have to go back out the window," marvin deadpanned. anti scrunched up his face, and marvin pushed him aside to open the window again. "i know, it's terrible. but like i said, i don't want henrik to see you."

anti made another face as the sound of pouring rain picked up ever louder through the open window. marvin threw his hands up at anti's reaction. "what? what is your problem?"

anti just shook his head and swung his legs out the window again. "i don't know how the fuck to climb down," he signed, glancing down to the floor below. marvin huffed loudly.

"don't care. have fun." he tapped anti's shoulder, making him flinch. "don't come back here again, ok? fucking christ."

anti rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of the pipe again, giving a small gasp of pain as he clung to it with his injured hand. marvin only watched him go for a moment before straightening and wandering back to his bed, flopping down and pulling his computer back onto his lap.

there was a sudden yelp and a loud thump from below.

marvin immediately leapt up again and raced to the window. anti was on the ground, flat on the grass. "fine!" he signed up at him, giving a thumbs up. "fine!"

he staggered to his feet, swaying painfully. marvin huffed and slammed the window shut again, closing the curtains. this time, he definitely didn't look back.

-

chase came home an hour later.

"how was your meeting with lucas?" marvin asked with a supportive smile. henrik had filled him in on the situation, and he was going to try and help chase as much as he could with it. "did it go well?"

chase blinked, resting an arm against the doorway. "meeting with who?" he mumbled. then he shook his head, mouth falling open slightly. "oh. oh, oh, oh shit. oh shit!"

marvin furrowed his eyebrow in confusion. "chase, what? did you - did you meet up with him?"

chase palmed his forehead, groaning loudly in despair. "i didn't, i meant - i forgot, christ, how did i forget that?"

marvin gaped. "you forgot? how do you forget - how do you - isn't that what you went out for in the first place?"

"yeah!" chase's eyes were wide with sudden panic. "yeah, how could i forget? i just walked around and then came back, i must've gotten really lost in thought - oh fuck, he's gonna hate me, marvin!"

marvin placed his hands on his brother's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "chase, bro, calm. it's ok. we're all very preoccupied, this is heavy shit we're dealing with recently. just tell him the situation." he lowered his voice. "have you looked at new therapists? you just seem so spacey lately."

chase nodded slightly, bringing his head forward to rest on marvin's collarbone. "mm. i did. i promise i'll show you later… i'm tired, marvin."

"i'll help you upstairs," marvin said softly. he knew chase sometimes got like this where he randomly forgot things; it was a symptom of depression, he knew. chase murmured something into his chest as marvin wrapped an arm around him, assisting him in stumbling out of the kitchen into the hall. he could hear henrik on a call with someone in his room as he walked by. "you just rest, drink water, feel better tomorrow."

and if chase noticed the tone change in marvin's voice, he didn't say anything. he definitely didn't see marvin's face crumple as chase fell onto his bed, drifting off almost immediately. and when marvin left the room, shoving his hand in his mouth to stop himself from crying out, he thought about how much he missed the days that henrik, jackie and jamie were all here together when chase got into states. how he didn't have to do it alone. something heavy sank in marvin's chest. he chose to ignore it.

don't cry, don't break. just deal with it and move on.

and he did.

[hopetofantasy]

Wandering Romance

- A future with child fic -

Square Filled: Future, Family, Past lovers Ship: Sander Driesen/Robbe Ijzermans   Trigger Warnings (if applicable): none applied.   Created for @skamevents Summary: “A perfect, tight little family. But happy. Until one unfortunate day in May, in the year that David turned six.”  

In the future, Robbe and Sander have a son named David. The only tie they have left with each other, actually. Because our lovers split up years ago, due to mistakes that were made in the past.  

So is their love strong enough to sustain a healthy friendship? Will they find their way to each other again or break all connections for good?

Also available on AO3

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CHAPTER 2: 'No one sees what I see in you’

—————————————————————

“So this is it then?”

A beautiful boy with mesmerizing eyes lying in arms. The warmth of love. It felt like puzzle pieces finally fitting together, after months of frustration and searching for anything that might look like it. Something that had been missing for quite some time. It just didn’t add up? Long sighs, hurtful eyes, loaded silences that made them more sad than happy. Their love wasn’t strong enough to deal with this...

No, he didn’t believe that.

They were strong enough.

Just not now...

He was caressing the cheek of his lover, his best friend, his partner in crime. Another part of the pair, the amazing family they had. Fathers. Their boy. All tossed away, like it was nothing. A paper crumbled in the trash. Like they never even were. And because of what? Why? Why now? Why this? This wasn’t right. They both knew it wasn’t.

He sighed to stop the spiraling.

His hands started to clench into a fist. He was so angry at first, he was so angry and sad at the world. He was promised forever, they both promised each other that their love would survive anything. The perfect man in a beautiful white suit and him wearing the black one. Ying and yang. Always complimenting each other, begging for a deeper connection, receiving it and now cutting it away.

Like his heart.

“Is this it? Can’t we keep trying? Please?”

His eyes were staring inside those deep ones. His tanned skinned hand slightly caressing his lover’s arm. Mindlessly. They were used to pillow talk until the early morning, the sunrise. The night sky turning from dark blue to light orange hues, exactly the color he once made by accident, trying out the paint samples on his palette. A beautiful coincidence. Just like the night they met.

As if faith knew.

When the other boy didn’t answer, he just went for it. His lips trying to convey everything he felt inside the troubled mind, his hands feeling every hitched breath taken away from his other half, the softness of a wanted caress, but also the sting from nails digging in his back, the bite of pleasure, the strained movement of legs  - as if love couldn’t be felt without some pain. It suited them, he thought. Every day could be a high. Every day could be a low.

His fingers gripped the sheets of their shared bed. Sharing it for the last time.  

“Oh my god, schat”, exclaimed the one.

“I love you”, answered the other.

“I love you too”, was moaned.

“Don’t leave me, please”, was said.

A tear rolling off a heated cheek.

Kissed by soft eyelashes.

The silence that followed wasn’t wounding. It was passion, it was love, it was a high that never experienced a low. A white light behind the eyes. Stars for their lights. Something shared only between them. And never would be again.

“Let us go... please”

The whisper.

And that’s when Sander woke up from his dream.

When he started to cry.

-^-

“Papa, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, darling, always. What is it?”

“How did you and paps meet?”

Oof, that was such a loaded question for a Monday morning. And he didn’t even have his first coffee yet. His eyes instantly analyzed David’s face, which was just a pure reflection of playfulness and wonder. The tiny boy seemed to concoct something on his breakfast croissant. It looked like choco spread, decorated with speculaas cookies.

What is this? Where the hell did he get that idea? This can’t be healthy right?

“Sweetie, did you eat a hearty sandwich before shoving this in your mouth? You can’t live on sweets, you know that. You won’t grow to be a big boy, then!”

“But, papa, I like it. Can I have this, like... one time?”

Oh no, not the puppy eyes.

He was a real manipulator with those big brown orbs. The kid was 9 years old, for God’s sake, how could he be this smart? He knew exactly how to play the game to convince them of mischievous things, things that were bad for him and stuff they needed to say ‘no’ to. But it was sooo rewarding to just say ‘yes’. Just to see the beautiful grin creep up onto the face he loved so much.

Something Sander wanted to collect in a jar and pull out whenever he had his ‘cloudy days’. David didn’t understand the concept of bipolarity yet, so once he was old enough to notice something, they had sat him down to explain. “David, sweetie. You know how papa is sometimes a bit different?”, Robbe tried to approach the subject, while their son stared with unsung tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, he lies on the bed and sleeps and don’t eat and is very, very sad. I don’t understand. Does papa hate me? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry...”

If the room was a stethoscope, the family would’ve heard a heart breaking. It was one thing that Robbe had to deal with his mania and depression. Now another innocent soul was being corrupted by his stupid brain and Sander just couldn’t deal with that. The pain he might induce, the worry in his soul almost growing too much. But as always, his other half seemed to know what to do. While holding his hand, to anchor him back to this world, Robbe explained.

“No, darling. Papa will always love you. Even if you did bad things. But now you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You see, people have a bright sun inside them. And sometimes that happy, beautiful sun will have clouds blocking their light. Clouds who bring in bad weather, like being tired, not being hungry, not wanting to talk, have sad thoughts, just wanting to sleep all the time. And that’s okay. Because after a few days of rain, comes the sunshine, right?”

“And sometimes a rainbow!”, their beautiful boy exclaimed.

A couple of teeth missing in the front, but his smile was beaming nonetheless. It melted their hearts. “Yes,” Sander whispered softly. If he wasn’t sure about how much he loved his curly angels before, he knew now. When did he become so lucky to have such beautiful love? Him and his loving partner hugging their soft boy, giggling all together, without a care in the world. A fulfilling life.

Perfection.

“Papa, are you there?”

Sander blinked back some tears, while trying to focus on the situation at hand. David was glaring at him, already halfway through the disgustingly sweet croissant in his hands. Some crumbs were falling down the plate. And the choco paste tainting his pink cheeks. The look in his face was peculiar, like he tried to figure out what his dad was thinking. If he was going ‘cloudy’.

“David... I do remember that I never told you ‘yes’, right?”

The answer was a simple shrug.

“You didn’t answer my question about paps, either. C’est la vie.”

To say that Sander was perplexed, is an serious understatement.

-^-

When Sander was thirteen, he knew.

He wasn’t normal.

This was way before he was diagnosed with bipolarity, but that wasn’t the only thing not fitting the ‘standard normal’. He knew the boys in his class and he simply didn’t like them. They were all talking about video games, Call Of Duty: Black Ops, while eating their weight in greasy snacks and referring to girls like pieces of meat. Making jokes about what they learned from their older siblings or watching too much nighttime television.

And he didn’t.

He liked to write, he wanted to be a writer someday. And paint. Drawing was amazing. Sander loved walking around with cut jeans, graphic band t-shirts and a bleached buzzcut. One day, he’d love to have a pierced eyebrow. That was considered cool in his book. Maybe his career would be ‘rock-and-roll’ artist, since he played the drums too. Something to get his energy out.

Because he had ADHD.

At least, that’s what his doctor said. He just wanted different things than others and sometimes all at once. Was that weird? Apparently so. But he wasn’t entirely convinced about having the disorder. It sounded ill-fitting. Like a shrunken skinny jeans in the dryer, the broken mug in his room where he put his discarded pencils. It didn’t make sense.

Because he was who he was.

He liked who he was.

But who was he exactly?

He knew the day he changed schools. His mom somehow knew, the way only mothers do, that the previous school wasn’t the right fit for him. His course orientation was ‘sciences’ and he almost failed everyone of his classes. Sander was struggling to keep afloat. Almost drowning at the formulas and facts and figures. Those were more abstract to him than art. Art made sense, somehow?

And that’s why his mom send him to an art school.

There he saw people with asymmetric hair, nose rings and cut t-shirts. Girls with alluring auras, rainbow shoes and paint covered arms. Boys with mesmerizing eyes, fresh make-up and decorated backpacks. Beautiful souls who talked about art like breathing. Who understood things like writer’s block, portrait frustration and tunnel vision.

And he fell in love with them, all of them.

His people.

It took him a few years to understand what else made him special. Because he did fall in love with people’s souls, their auras, instead of a specific gender. It was a highlight in his life when he figured that one out. He finally knew another piece of the puzzle. Life was complicated, but knowing something more about yourself, made it so much easier.

His first crush was on a dark skinned boy from his drawing class. He didn’t reciprocate feelings, but liked Sander as a friend. Ekon appreciated the way Sander caught him in his art pieces. Complimented him on how he perfectly attained his off-beat smile, when someone made a joke at his expense. He was a quiet boy. But a boy, nonetheless.

And then there was Saartje. An unconventional girl, even for an art school. She seemed to walk around like an ice queen surrounded by raging fires. Hated every thing he suggested to lift her sculptures to a new level, always answering his comments with a cold stare. Such a soft girly name for such a raging bitch.

And Sander couldn’t help but fall.

Hard.

Without parachute.

But she used that to her advantage.

His love was treated as an exchange. If Sander would shut up about his newest passion called David Bowie, she’d give him a kiss. When he asked her on a date, she would think about it. Maybe if Sander could persuade the teacher to give her a better grade? And if he paid? Being the hormonal teenager he was, he obliged. And he believed. He was tricked into uncertain love.

Something he carried with him.

Especially after his eventual diagnosis. He dated Britt. He thought he deserved this kind of love. The uncertainty, the doubt, the hardships. It was all his brain’s fault, for being the way he was. Love? Love was something to be earned, not to be given. And nobody would give that up so easily for someone as broken as him.

Until that one boy,

in the moonlight.

He never saw true beauty ‘til this night.

And his heart,

did love as true again.

-^-

“Do you want any help with that?”

“Papa, I know how to make myself look like Bowie, you know.”

Sander snorted. He was truly a son of his, wasn’t he? This tiny boy was sitting on a high chair, right in front of a mirror, attempting to put on the make-up in a dramatic way. The tip of his tongue spilling out his lips, trying very hard to focus. He couldn’t stop staring at this sight, which filled him with pride. He must have taught him well.

The next generation was secured.

“Dad, stop staring at me and go find my other dad.”, David said sternly.

Ok, but who was the parent in this relationship exactly? Sometimes Sander didn't know. Yet, catching the eye of the supervisor right behind him, he was sure that everything was going to be a-okay. Maybe he did needed to find Robbe and the boys. It’ll do him some good. It had been ages since they had some real interaction that wasn’t through a phone.

It wasn’t difficult to spot them through the crowd of curious adults. The exaggerated screaming at each other was enough. Robbe had been pulled into the biggest hug by Milan, flanked by a jumping Moyo, giggling Aaron and a serious Jens. It sounded like the weirdest end of the world. But the feeling that coursed through his heart wasn’t unusual.

Pride.

For what they all achieved.

How they all stayed together.

Through hell and back.

Moyo had, somehow, become a successful club owner of a couple of nightlife establishments all around the city. From an only-known-by-initiates speakeasy to a high paid, high-end sky club, he knew what he wanted to do with his life and brought it to the table. Jens, on the other hand, went on a totally different route. After failing to start a few start-ups, he became g a video editing/sound mix freelancer and stay-at-home dad to help his lawyer-wife.

Aaron was still on the grind as a social worker, working until late at night to fight for the hardest cases. “These people deserve a happy ending”, he’d always say. And Sander couldn’t agree more.

Last but not least, Milan. The interior designer with an ecological mind. He had helped them out with the decoration of their home, which was totally picture perfect. And still cheap as f.

After the whole ordeal of greeting, Robbe seemed to have a huge smile plastered on his face. That was good, Sander though. Lately he looked so lost, certainly in Sander’s neighborhood. And he didn’t know why. As far as he knew, he didn’t say or do anything wrong. On the contrary. He’d encouraged Robbe to bring Wouter along, saying it was totally okay to find love again.

Where was that bastard, anyways?

“Heeeeeey, Jack Frost!”, the entire group turned towards him and engulfed him into an instant hug. Causing a lot of high pitched giggling, ‘omg, your hand is on my butt’-s and eye rolls. The warmth next to him was familiar, though. As was the scent. Which made his heart drum a little harder, like it wasn’t stating the obvious already. Pulling away, the electrified gaze lingered.

“How are you?”, the one asked.

“I’m good.”, the other answered.

He wanted to know more. Sander always wanted to know more. His heart never stopped beating for this boy, so everything he would say, would be engraved in his soul. His broken mind. His eternal love. That would never change. Even through the pain, he knew that they belonged together. That it was neither fault. Life just happened.

Like always.

But before he could ask anything else, a woman approached the brown haired man. Some colorful glasses, a beautiful classic dress and an intrigued smile on her face. Robbe immediately greeted her as ‘Mrs. Raymaeckers’. “I saw David backstage. Are you ready to see the performance, Mr. Ijzermans?”, she politely asked. Robbe slowly nodded his head with a careful smile.

“Ofcourse, David is going to be amazing, he was bouncing off the walls about this. I’m interested in what he’s going to play...”

“Ah yes. The David Bowie thing. He’s truly special, isn’t he? Unique in some ways.”, she giggled, while wrapping her hand around his arm. Causing a lot of heads unsubtly turning towards the gesture.

“I love how he has such a playful spirit. Does he have that from his father or his mother?”. She blinked rapidly. Auburn hair tossed over her shoulder. A beaming smile.

Wait...

Was she...

Trying to flirt with him?

A potential married man?

Sander saw how the other boys desperately held in their laughs. Some of them failed. Robbe’s cheeks reddened slightly, like he didn’t know how to answer this delicate question.

She just assumed he was straight?

That was such heteronormativity.

It irked the beach blonde man, that people could still think this way, like a child couldn’t have two fathers or mothers?

“He has that from me, actually.”

Six pairs of eyes bore into his. Most of them applauding the ballsy move on his part, one of them grateful for this way out. The last one, however, went through a whole process.

Confusion, calculation, realization and shame.

“Oh... I’m sorry.”, Mrs. Raymaeckers sheepishly stated. "I didn’t know. I just assumed... Ahem. Well, I’m gonna check the rest. Bye, Mr Ijzermans. Bye, Mr-”

“Driesen.”, he answered coldly.

“Bye, Mr. Driesen.” And with that, she was gone. As fast as the wind.

He didn’t like it.

He just didn’t.

How people could still think the way they did, how they would just come up to potential married men and flirt with them? How was that okay?

He knew he was clenching his fist, because of the pain. Fingernails making tiny half moons. It stung. Jealousy and anger tasting like poison in his mouth. His stare trying to find a fixated spot to calm his breathing.

He found it in some deep brown eyes.

A cautious smile coming towards him. He knew. Robbe always knew what Sander needed, even when he didn’t know himself. He was intuitive that way. His beautiful man, such a perfect human. The father of his child. And he couldn’t help, but sigh. Breathing slowly, heart thumping. A small caress around his fist, trying to soften the harsh ache. Only making the ache in his heart greater.

“Robbe”, he whispered silently.

“Yeah, Sander?”

He didn’t say anything more. He couldn’t. Robbe needed to live his own life, making his own mistakes, battle his own prejudices. Feeling his own real love. So Sander just stood there. Looking at the face he adored the most and he started to notice something. It almost looked like Robbe was anticipating this, was waiting for some kind of answer, some kind of truth.

And that's when they heard it.

A David Bowie lookalike coming onto the stage.

Childlike coughing in the microphone.

The first notes of a guitar riff.

The scratchy start of ‘doodoodoo''.

The song.

David Bowie.

The sign.

“You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey babe, your hair's alright Hey babe, let's go out tonight You like me, and I like it all We like dancing and we look divine You love bands when they're playing hard You want more and you want it fast They put you down, they say I'm wrong You tacky thing, you put them on.

Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress Rebel rebel, your face is a mess Rebel rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so!”

[amberlynnwashere]

Still on this train of just writing down the thoughts as they come to my head. Now for: It Was So Obvious I Had ADHD, Why The Fuck Wasn’t I Diagnosed Until I Was 23??: Not Paying Attention Edition.

- Waiting for my grandma to pick me up after school. It was also raining. I was too busy spinning around the flagpole and singing about the rain to notice that 30 minutes had gone past (time blindness?) and my grandma had gone through the car-pickup-lane 3 times and the Yard Duty had called my name probably 2-3 dozen times. 

- My day camp used to have a couple vans to take kids to school if they didn’t go to the school that the day camp was located at. I was so invested in playing with legos that I didn’t notice when the van driver lady called us to get on the van and go to school. Worst part was that my 2 friends who also took the van to school were sitting on either side of me, and I didn’t think anything of them getting up. It wasn’t until all the other kids who actually went to the school we were located on were gone that I realized something was wrong. (time blindness/ hyperfocus? I loved legos and could play with them all day without stopping to eat/drink or anything)

- Teacher had us go to the computer lab. When we got there, she had us all line up and turn in our homework before we could go to the computers. I didn’t have mine, even though I completed it. How did I miss her telling us to grab our homework or else we wouldn’t be allowed to play on the computers? How did I not notice everyone carrying their homework papers to the lab? 

---my favorite part about ^That^ memory is that I lied to my teacher, too. Instead of saying, “I didn’t hear you tell us that”, because I knew she’d translate that into ‘I wasn’t paying attention’ & scold me, I had told her “last night some guy was driving around with a mega phone and he screamed in my ear and my hearing has been off ever since” B/C it was the day after Halloween. But THEN I started crying and apologizing BECAUSE I lied to her & I told her the truth. It’s not like she didn’t believe me or anything, I just felt guilty for lying! 

- Another teacher had requested me to run to the office, get some information for her, and come back and tell her. I went to the office, got the information, and came back. When she asked me what the answer was, I just stared at her. “...I forgot, should I go back and ask?” She was obviously annoyed, and just sent another kid. 

- The way I write. IDK how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that ADHDers have bad handwriting b/c we’re thinking of the next sentence before we’re done with the current word & just trying to get it all downHOLY FUCK I THINK ONE OF MY FRIEND’S MOM’S KNEW I HAD ADHD

- Okay sorry but hear me out

- She literally said to me, as a child, “Oh sweetie don’t worry, I have bad handwriting too. It’s because we have so many thoughts in our head that we want to get them written down before we forget them.” Which isn’t a big deal BUT when I told her a while back that I had been recently diagnosed with ADHD, she just smiled and nodded knowingly. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND HAVE TO SET A REMINDER TO CALL HER TOMORROW. 

-Does She have ADHD? Why didn’t she say anything to my mom? She ALWAYS called other parents out on their BS. Did she talk to my mom?? Would she even tell me at this point if she had spoken to my mom about it?? I mean I wonder if she’d try to protect my (dead) mom’s image for me?? She seems like the kinda person to do that. It also would make sense that she has ADHD just by behaviors I’ve noticed from her over the years. Holy crap. Holy crap this is really interesting fuck if it wasn’t almost 11pm on a Thursday night I’d fucking call her right now. 

-Yikes.

Well. 

Either way. 

- This is just a cute thing that I my friends and I realized earlier: One of my best friends recently realized that she is autistic (confirmed by her therapist but not officially diagnosed b/c getting official diagnosis as an adult female is hard).I distinctly remember multiple times in our childhood of us having a conversation, and she’ll say something related to something from multiple topics ago, and we’ll both end up confused. I’ll be confused as to why she brought up a topic from forever ago, and she’ll be confused as to why I don’t understand the meaning of her comment b/c it has to do about the topic we were “just” talking about. Now that we’re older and more aware of how our brains work, we’ve come to the conclusion that it was a likely mix of my brain switching to different topics extremely quickly, while her brain is still latching onto that original topic about something she was very interested in. And I just think that’s really neato that we were able to still have a thriving relationship and be such close friends 12+ years later. 

[mewhenhorrormovies]

Prompts

Fluff~

“Can you please cuddle with me?”

“Is that my hoodie?”

“Let’s go dance in the rain!”

“You make me the happiest person alive.”

“You make me better than I was before.”

“Thank god I’m yours.”

“You put a new heartbeat inside of me.”

“Trust me. As long as I’m here, nobody will hurt you.”

“You’re my one and only.”

“Your my first, my second, and my last choice.”

“You mean the world to me.”

“Are you wearing my flannel?”

“How’d you sleep, love?”

“Pumpkin, your crushing me.”

“Pillow fight!”

“This is WAR! That’s right, I’m going to act like a child!”

“Give me a piggyback ride!”

“How about I just tickle the answer out of ya?!”

“Five more minutes.”

“Come get in bed! I need attention!”

“You always have to have the attention don’t you?” “Duh!”

“I need your love and affection! All of it!”

“Your mine. All mine.”

“Yours. All yours.”

“I won’t ever leave your side.”

“As long as you’re by my side, I can do anything.”

“You are my hopes and dreams.”

“I love you, more than you could know.”

“You’ll never be alone.”

“I’m yours. From now till the end of time.”

“I’m cold! I need hug.”

“Pwease? Just one hug?”

“The sunset is prettier than ever.”

“If we make it out, I promise we will live a normal life, get married and have children.”

“Now kids! Your mother is tired, why don’t you go play with Uncle ____?”

“I love you. And our precious little daughter too.”

“I love you more than my own life.”

“Id give up all my cookies, just to get one kiss!”

“I know it sounds weird but...would you possibly like to meet again?”

“I think I fell in love.”

“You’re so in love.”

“Sorry my dude. You fell hard.”

“Aww! I totally ship you two!”

“I bet they’ll kiss by tonight!” “Your on”

“HA! In your face _____! Where’s my money?!”

“You bet on us?! I can’t bel-never mind I can totally believe it.”

“Awww! My little cuddle bear is blushing!”

“How cute! I made My Prince turn red!”

“Just kiss already!”

“FINALLY! Took you long enough!”

Angst~

“Why would you just leave me?!”

“I can’t believe it...after all this time?!”

“Did you ever love me? Dammit, DON’T LIE TO ME!”

“You promised! You PROMISED you would always be there!”

“What happened to always and forever?! What happened to your one and only?”

“Are-...are those cuts?”

“KILL ME! If you’ve ever been my friend KILL ME!”

“Get out! Get out get out get out!”

“I hate you! Leave!”

“I-I didnt...no! It wasn’t supposed to be you! Anybody but you!”

“We’re just kids! Why?! Why so much death, so much pain, so much fighting?”

“We were only kids, thrown into an adult war. And now we’ll never recover.”

“IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I was supposed to die, not them!”

“Come on, come on. Breathe, come on BREATHE!”

“You liar, be honest or so help me I will drag you to hell!”

“I’m sorry! I only ever loved you, I tried...”

“Please! Open the door, I’m sorry! Please...”

“Don’t leave! I-I didn’t mean it!”

“It’s too late! You already said it, you can’t take it back!”

“Can you hear me? I really miss you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you...but everybody says your happier...”

“What about me?! What if I’m not happy?!”

“Who cares about everybody?! What about me?”

“Nobody needs me...” “I do...”

“Nobody loves me! Nobody cares! I’m better off gone!” “NO!.....I-I loved you...”

“They’re gone! They’re gone and it’s your fault!”

“I did this! I-I killed them!”

“Y-y-you guys need to l-leave! I’m d-dangerous!”

“Nothing compares to watching a friend die right before your eyes.”

“I don’t belong! I shouldn’t be here!”

“No...why?! Why did it have to be them?! Why didn’t you save them!? HUH?! WHY?”

“Kill me.”

“I hate you. More than anything.”

“You’re dangerous...you can’t come with us.”

“We made it...but at what cost?”

“Do you see these?! These are cuts!”

“I said get away!”

“Go away! I don’t want to talk!”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Don’t even think about me!”

“Don’t touch me!”

“You killed them...so now I’ll kill you.”

“It’s over. They’re gone, they’re not coming back.”

“I miss you. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry...your gone and it’s my fault.”

“You said forever! Who knew forever was so short.”

“Don’t you yell at me!”

“Don’t you dare blame this on me, you twat!”

“Get back here and listen when I’m talking to you!”

“Don’t walk away from me, you git!”

“Touch me again, see what happens.”

“Don’t call me again.”

“Go. Away.”

“DON’T! LIE! TO! ME!”

“The future rests in your hands now...”

“Take care of everyone...I won’t be there anymore.”

“She was our hope! She was the only thing that kept us going and she’s gone!”

“She sacrificed herself for me...”

“So many have sacrificed themselves for us to get here...friends...family.”

“Boys....I love y’all...don’t forget me...ple-........”

“Is it over...?” “This is only the beginning.”

Random Silly Prompts~

“I’m a simple woman. I crave one thing...C H A O S.”

“Bite my rat sass.”

“Uh oh, here we go again.”

“Come on, let me sing you old crooked nose, slimy grandma.”

“Hey guys, Whats u-” “Go stuff an egg up your nose.”

“What are those?!?!”

“Wait, you remember vines?”

“Was that a vine reference?!”

“Welcome home, boys.”

“Welcome home, girls.”

“Welcome home.”

“We did it. We made it.”

“I don’t give a rats sass about yo day.”

“Ew, you’re reading?” “Gross, your breathing?”

“Nasty, your writing?” “Disgusting, your living?”

“Hey, don’t play dumb with me!” “But he’s not playing. He’s actually dumb.”

“Nobody has managed to kill me yet. Few have tried and succeeded but not for very long. I always come back.”

"I'm not even sure she's entirely human."

"I don't care about your Bee Movie opinions, go to sleep."

“Don’t be such a jerk.”

“I have made the inference that you are actually a bully.”

“I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me!”

“They would disagree but in reality they have no idea what they’re actually doing.”

“Thank the devil, I thought you were serious for a second there.”

“I made a bet. I lost. It’s simple as that.”

“Shut up, buckle up, and hold on tight.”

“Well this turned into a giant cuddle pile.”

“Trouble is my middle name. I thought you’d know that by now.”

“stop staring before your eyes fall out of your head.”

"I swear to the devil you have the attention span of a Boston terrier puppy with ADHD and ADD on crack. You don't listen even if it would save your life!”

“If everyone would just stop shucking panicking for five seconds and act like they still have a lick of sense left, we might actually be able to get something done here.”

“And, I'd love to be sorry for everything but we all know that I've done much, much worse.”

“Every time you sleep, you are practicing your death.”

“I guess its time to throw logic out of the window.”

“We must remain calm.” “I can’t remain calm. I’ve never been calm.” “Okay, well then remain not screaming.” “Remain not externally screaming. Okay. Got it.”

I found a few on Tumblr but I forgot from who! I’m so truly sorry, if you know who then please tell me so I can give them credit.

Also, please send me request! You can say ‘section 1 20 and 47’ or ‘fluff 2 and 10’ or ‘7 and 27 from Angst’ whichever just please send requests

[ziracona]

Ohmygod I want like all of ur headcanons they're all so good. Oml. Would it be okay if I settled on meg headcanons or Dwight & Jake hcs? God you write them so well it makes me so happy

Thank you so much! <3 I know you asked this like this morning, and sorry about that, but I had a lot of fun answering it. Ended up doing Meg. I’m not sure if you want general, or post-ILM so I just kinda did some of both? And got carreid away, haha, it’s gonna go mostly under a read more. :’-)

Meg’s mom did a great job taking care of her growing up. Meg had a hard time making and keeping friends, because she’s full of energy and passion and also very ADHD, so she has a big personality and will talk all the time about what she loves and is a whole lot (in a good way). But a lot of people growing up did not enjoy that about her. Meg wasn’t great at shutting up and acting or lying or falling into a role to get kids at her school to like her, and also just didn’t understand why the rest of them would do that, and didn’t mesh well. With each time she was not accepted, she got a little bit more bristly and ready to defend herself, and it kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It wasn’t like she never had any friends, but she never had any close ones, and a lot of the ones she did have kind of dicked her over for someone else, or moved on, and that was rough. Plus, her dad left her when she was a baby, she was poor, she was loud, and she was Bi. This gave kids a whole lot to bully her for. And they sure did.

Meg’s a fighter, though, and didn’t take shit—she got into trouble a lot, and was mad, because (as y’all who’ve been in the American education system at least know) the faculty never cared if she’d shoved someone because they called her a slur, or said something shitty about her mom, or that she’d punched someone because they’d followed her out of school to say nasty things about her, or that someone else had shoved her, or poured something on her book, or provoked her first. Didn’t even care if it had been four on one, or a guy had come up and fake asked her out to make fun of her in front of his friends—didn’t care about any of what was being done to her, or that she’d just been defending herself. The worst they ever did was talk to the other students, and that just made them want revenge and didn’t stop jack shit. Because of that, she really started to resent faculty and got a huge rebellious streak. She used to get in trouble all the time, before joining track, at her mom’s suggestion. Then, finally, really for the first time ever, even if she didn’t have friends, she had a pack, and that was something. Team didn’t have to like her, they still worked together so they had some kind of a bond and couldn’t just flip, and their track teacher would care if things got nasty, because it lowered performance. Plus, she had natural talent, and a bunch of energy, so it was an ideal fit.

Childhood was all still pretty damn rough though. I wouldn’t say she was miserable all the time or anything, but she was constantly tired of it all. There were some good parts, though. And she had some casual friends she was pretty chill with. Even a kind of almost girlfriend her last two semesters (although that was not exactly the world’s most stable relationship either. Still, not all bad.) While she wasn’t ever tight with them, there were several people at school who thought she was really cool too, because not only would Meg always defend herself, she also was ready in a heartbeat to throw hands for anyone—especially someone weaker or smaller than herself—she saw getting shit from classmates. She was a roaming vigilante of school hall fury by 10th grade, and had earned a certain amount of respect and fear, and a pile of detentions and reprimands, and parent-teacher conferences where her mom chewed out teachers and staff for ignoring the parts of all this where her daughter was getting bullied. Meg used to actually love parent-teacher time, because she got to watch her mom rip people she hated apart, and it filled her with glee to have somebody else fight for her.

Even with school all sucking, Meg had a pretty good childhood basically exclusively because of her mom. Her mom had to raise a kid as a single parent when Meg’s dad abandoned them while Meg was still a baby, and it wasn’t easy. She worked full time when Meg was little as a postal worker. That was unsustainable, though, with how life was going and her wanting and needing to actually be physically present in her kid’s life, so she ended up finding employ as a ghostwriter, and switching to that. It was almost exclusively terrible and ridiculous romances she would get a fraction of the pay and no credit for when published, but Rachel Thomas found a way to make that funny and enjoyable both to herself, and her curious little daughter who would waddle up to her and ask all the time what Mommy was doing and to hear her stories. She would pick safe bits and read them as silly and funny as possible to amuse Meg and feel okay about what she was spending all her time on, and it worked. It made the work enjoyable, when otherwise it would have felt tiring and worthless. Rachel got to be happy with it instead.

She always worked super hard to give Meg a good life, even with very limited resources. She taught herself how to do things like use pencil dust to check for fingerprints when Meg was super into Nancy Drew books as a kid, and how to pick locks, and then taught them to Meg. Meg loved growing up in that house, because her mom was the best. She was always ready to hear about whatever fascinating new thing Meg had discovered, or to pick up a toy sword and go have an epic battle in the backyard as people they’d made up to be. She passed on a love of movies and music and dancing, too, and because she knew that life was rough for Meg, even as a young child, Rachel always went out of her way to make holidays huge productions. Got one really cool present that always had to do with whatever story Meg was the most into usually, and a lot of fun little ones to go with it, so she could open a whole pile of gifts even though the only one who was ever there to give her any presents was her mom. Meg kinda just grew up thinking of holidays like that because of her, and did as big productions for her mom too (to the best of her age-relative ability).

It was super hard on Meg when her mom got sick. I mean, I think it would be on anyone (who had a positive relationship with the parent, or probably even a neutral one), but she took it really hard. She’d been super excited about finally getting out of her hometown and going to college on a track scholarship she’d worked incredibly hard for, but then this had happened, and of course she’d come back to look after her mom. It was really awful though. She wasn’t sure if her mom would survive. At first, the situation had been like, go to college, or go home to help your mom get better, but she realized after a little while with a sinking feeling that it was starting to look like something else. Like give up on your one chance at being able to pay for college, or come home to watch your mom wither away and die while you can’t do a fucking thing to stop it. Her mom had always been a strong and fun and full of life person, so much like Meg herself, in a lot of ways, and she got sick so fast, and so bad. They even looked a lot alike—not just in biological features, but they kind of dressed similarly by nature, and Meg’s mom had also always kept her bright red hair long and liked it like that. Sometime when Meg was little, she’d called her mom’s hair a “fire mane,” older Meg could only assume because she’d been reading picture books about horses, and her mom had loved that and teasingly called it that forever after. The second night after she started chemo that her hair started to fall out, Meg got home to see her shaving her head in the bathroom, because it had been coming out in clumps she hadn’t been able to stand the way that felt. Meg felt heartbroken, and went over to join her and took the scissors on the sink and started to cut hers off too in solidarity, but her mom stopped her and begged her not to. Meg cried and told her she wanted to do it, and her mom comforted her and kissed her on the forehead and asked her to please keep it for her, so that when she got better, she could look at Meg’s as inspiration for what she wanted to get back to. Meg finally agreed, but it was really hard. Harder still to watch her getting weaker and weaker until she just couldn’t do any of the things she used to. And then one day her mom’s doctor had come back and told them he was sorry, but that treatment was failing. She could try a few experimental avenues, and there were people to contact, she could keep trying this in case there was a change, but that she probably only had another year at most to life.

It had been beyond devastating. Meg hadn’t known what to say. Or how to think or cope. She’d just walked out of the hospital feeling shellshocked. And when they’d gotten back in the car, her mom had asked her to pull over at a Wendy’s, and bought them both frostys, and Meg went through the motions, and parked in the lot. And when they were there, her mom had started to eat hers slowly with a spoon, and looked her in the eyes and said, “Don’t worry, Meg. I’ll get better. I promise.”

And Meg had looked up and seen she meant it somehow, even with what they’d just heard. And her mom had said, “You know me. I’m a fighter.” and that had been true, so Meg had sniffed and nodded and said, “Me too. We’ll try all the options.”

Her mom smiled at her and they ate their one dollar treats and went home to research, but Meg had still kind of believed it, because she always believed her mom. She’d had hope then, that she might not die. Even as the weeks went on and she got sicker. And then Meg went for the one jog she didn’t come back from.

Meg and Dwight were the first two to really band together. They survived a trial together and made it to the same fire, and Dwight just unloaded like a whole plan to start systematically picking up other people they met, and theorizing about leaving with them to make it to the same fire, and banding together to survive better, and Meg was kinda ‘no thoughts—head empty’ because she was exhausted from trying to outmaneuver the Nurse, and he was talking so fast and she hadn’t listened at all to the first few lines and now she was playing catchup, but she’d been like, “Oh. Worm I guess?” and agreed. Meg kinda thought Dwight was a pushy little dumbass, and he kinda was, but she also kinda liked him, and waaay faster than Jake did. Meg’s an extremely loyal person, so even though unhooking her and helping her out, or giving her a tool he knew she was better with than he was was just good strategy, Meg’s heart went “Friend saved me” and kinda kept it, so she didn’t mind “New friend is also annoying and full of himself and kind of a douche.” I don’t think she really noticed his change in behavior at first. Just one day like, a month after he’d started working hard to be less of an ass, she was sorting a new toolbox post-trial, and he paused by her and was like, “Hey! Great job in the trial today. Sorry I messed up your escape during that chase—I misjudged how fast he was and thought you’d have time to hide. You really saved us with that last-second chainsaw dodge getting the door open. –Oh here, I found these in a box and I’m still pretty shit at flashlights, but I saved them for you,” and gave her some batteries, and she was just like, “Cool. Thanks. And it’s fine—I almost tripped right over Claudette’s hiding spot yesterday.” and then when he was like halfway back to the fire she was just like WAIT A SECOND and sat bolt upright and stared at him and was like, Didn’t you used to be kind of pretentious and inconsiderate? When did this change??? And was never totally sure, but was pretty jazzed about it. She also remembers way less well than Jake, Ace, or Claudette that Dwight did used to be a loser. If someone else told her that she’d be like, “Oh yeah…huh.” but she’d never really think of it on her own.

This is kind of more a Dwight one than a Meg one, but one of the specific events that was a personal changing point for Dwight was back when it was just the OG four, before even Ace had joined, they had a hard trial with Trapper and Meg was really down. Everyone passed out before Dwight, because he was trying to plan and stayed up, and he noticed Meg having a nightmare and after a minute woke her up because she looked so scared, and she thanked him and then was quiet and just sat there, looking miserable. After about ten minutes he decided to ask if he could do anything to help, and she said she was afraid to go back to sleep, because she thought she might just pick up where she’d left off, and then hesitantly asked him if it was okay if she came over by him, because she thought it might help. He was super surprised, but said yes, and she came over and lay down beside him and leaned on his chest fell asleep. And it felt really nice that someone would seek him out for comfort, and trust him to watch over them. The first time they stayed at the same fire, she’d given him a look and said, “Promise not to come over here while I’m out if I take a nap?” and warned him she was a light sleeper, but she hadn’t even jokingly reminded him of anything like that now. She just trusted him. It made him want to be worthy of that and a lot more.

[ I want to do more bc I’m super into Meg rn, but my word count is shooting me dirty looks so ima do 2 real short post-ILM Meg and call it a night—happy to do more or your Jake-Dwight sometime though. <3 ]

Tapp helps Meg take courses and study up, and gets her certified as a PI, and she actually does really love it. They work cases for cheap for people who need help, and do it together, and it’s very rewarding. That’s not the most sustainable full-time job, but Tapp’s got a little money saved, and David’s…David. Plus, collectors will pay weird money for realm merch sometimes, and Min is…scarily. Worryingly good, even, at finding those people to sell to. So she also has a lot of time to do other things. She can’t exactly do track like she did, but she does long-distance runs for charity, and has fun, and gets to go visit her friends all the time. She loves being able to say she actually is a private detective, and feels like she’s come full circle from being the little her who loved Encyclopedia Brown and Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie books so much. She’s able to help her mom, too, so her mom is able to actually spend time writing the kinds of things she’d like to, for once, and Meg’s super happy for her and still spends a bunch of time with her, often her and Susie, who her mom took to really fast, together. Meg loves to ambush Susie with gifts when she’s working on stuff and make surprise visits to drop off a drink or something, and thrives on the embarrassed-happy Megggg look on her face if she pulls off flirting in public just right. Sometimes Susie will come with her and Tapp when they’re working to try to help, or just to spend time, especially for the like, long research parts of the job. Meg also makes sure they see Michael Tapp a lot, and that Tapp takes time off to do fun stuff with her and his other friends. She is still definitely trying to get him with her mom. Or Jane when Jane’s there. Or her mom and Jane. Sometimes Ace is in the mix when he’s there. And it all ain’t subtle. It’s rough out there being Meg’s even vaguely parental figure. :’-)

Like Tapp promised, he and Meg get a dog. A retired K9 whose handler died a few years ago, and been retired when that happened because it was old enough it had been set to retire that year or the next, and it took the loss of its handler very hard. With its handler gone, it was open to adoption from other force members or retired ones. It was an old dog that had been alone for a long time, still missing someone dead, so sad looking. Outlived his best friend. Tapp had checked the database on impulse alone when starting to work on honoring Meg’s request, and seen it, and wanted badly to take it home. He’d been kind of nervous asking Meg about getting it though, thinking she would want something that would live longer, but she’d jumped at the chance and been really happy. The German Shepherd had been named Partner, because that had been the sense of humor his handler had, and Meg thought it was cute, to always be saying, “Come on Partner,” to a dog. He had been really sad looking when they’d gone to pick him up. Lonely in the back of a pen, nose between his paws, watching people go by, and hesitant when they’d gone inside. Quiet, all the way to the car, and the whole drive home. Just sat in a seat, looking out the window, no matter how much Meg petted him or talked him, or Tapp did, and then they’d gotten home and taken him inside, to a bed and a food bowl and water dish, and he hesitantly ate, and then started to wag his tail a little. They took him out to the yard after to play and he finally got it, and it was like seeing a totally different animal. He got excited, and barked for the first time, and ran around pretty fast for an old dog and would come press his forehead against their legs while wagging his tail, like he was hugging them, in a way Meg had only seen dogs do a few times. He is now a very happy pup who likes to hop up on the couch and put his head in people’s laps and watch them lovingly while they watch tv, and sometimes puts the old skills to good use if he’s in the mood to walk around and lend aid to a case.

[sterekshaven]

Ohhh, for the non sexual intimacy prompts, can I have numbers 2 and 12 together, please and thank you? ♥️♥️♥️

Hello and thank you, I have FLUFF for you! Mind your teeth! xD Sorry that I’m taking forever with these prompts (I blame my new blog ( @smowkiespromptsandgames ), it’s eating my time with all the tags I’m constantly adding for it xD), but I’m doing them, slowly but surely! (the Non-Sexual Intimacy prompt list)

A good morning ao3 - pillowfort

457 words | Gen | characters: Stiles, Derek | tags: Established Relationship, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Sappy

Stiles liked waking up before Derek. He was the one with ADHD, he should be the one who woke up late, but work had him at a good sleep schedule, and when he woke up he was awake at once, while Derek woke up and was sleepy. It was adorable, and Stiles loved spending the mornings of his days off just lying in bed, letting his mind wander as he watched Derek sleep and wake up.

It happened that Derek slowly blinked his eyes open and Stiles barely said good morning before asking him random or in-depth questions. Derek always looked adorably confused for a moment, and sometimes, if it was a fairly easy question for him, he answered it in a sleep rough voice, but other times he just groaned and demanded coffee before thinking.

Some mornings, if Stiles woke up early or was especially restless, he would get up and start to prepare for breakfast or make coffee before returning to the bedroom to watch him wake up. They had gotten predictable through the years, and Derek knew Stiles would be there to wake him up, so even if he woke up when Stiles wasn’t in bed, he would just fall right back to sleep.

Regardless of what happened or was said in the mornings, Stiles loved watching Derek wake up, and on this particular morning, Stiles’ very fast brain had snowed in entirely on Derek. They were on their sides, facing each other, as he laid there for nearly half an hour and just watched him and thought about him. Then Derek tiredly blinked his eyes open, and Stiles smiled.

”I love you,” he said softly.

Derek smiled and closed his eyes again. ”I love you too,” he said, his voice soft and a little sleep rough. ”Good morning.”

”Good morning,” Stiles said. He scooted closer, brushed his nose against Derek’s. ”Did you sleep well?”

”I did,” Derek said, moved his hands to take Stiles’ both in his without opening his eyes. ”Did you?”

”Yeah.”

”Good,” Derek said, then brushed his nose to Stiles’. ”No weird questions.”

”Hyperfocus on you,” Stiles said, ”I just turned sappy.”

Derek huffed out a little breath. ”You can’t turn into something you already are.”

”That’s true,” Stiles said. ”Sappier, then.”

He pulled back a little so he could look at him properly again. He was smiling softly, dimples at full display, his eyes still closed, and Stiles took one of his hands from Derek’s to gently touch his nose. Derek’s smile widened, and he raised his eyebrows.

”What are you doing?”

”Touching you,” Stiles said.

He moved back to gently rub their noses together and cup Derek’s cheek.

”Mm,” Derek said. ”Good morning.”

Stiles smiled. ”Yeah, it is.”

[netrf-org]

Coping with the uncertainty of cancer

Jeff Danuloff and his wife Jasmine, who offered positive, encouraging, loving support during his lengthy illness.

How one family navigated NETs

There are so many unknowns when you live with neuroendocrine tumor (NETs).  You can’t predict how you will respond to treatment, and it can be hard to know how neuroendocrine cancer will change the life you imagined for yourself.  See how one family learned about coping with the uncertainty of neuroendocrinr cancer. 

(Left to right) Youngest daughter (Aubrey Danuloff), Jeff Danuloff, and Wilma Fellman.

During her son’s six-year journey with pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor (pNET), Wilma Fellman, a career counselor and life coach, got to practice what she preached about living in the present. Jeff Danuloff was a muscular married professional with two young daughters. He taught martial arts and made a hobby into a career with cars.

“When he was diagnosed at 37, we were 100% sure they had the wrong medical file,” Wilma said. “He was the healthiest person I knew.”

In that instant, their lives changed forever. “Everyone lives with uncertainty,” said Wilma. “We were just much more aware of it.”

Focus on the present

Jeff realized that cancer tests and treatment were a new way of life. But it didn’t overtake his life; it was integrated. He scheduled embolization and chemotherapy to minimize interference with work and family.

He took it one day at a time. “He’d say, ‘Today, I’m OK. Today I am going to work, then to pick up my kids.’ And if he had to take a handful of pills to be able to do that, then he did that,” said Wilma. Jeff’s commute to work was sometimes interrupted with bouts of nausea and vomiting, but he didn’t turn around for home; he went to work.

Find joy

Jeff Danuloff with wife Jasmine and daughters Jaelyn and Aubrey.

Coping with the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis means finding ways

to take your mind off cancer, to do what you enjoy most, finding meaning and purpose. “People [with cancer] sometimes drop things they feel passionate about at the time they need it most,” said Wilma, who has coached clients on how to find meaningful interests following retirement. “Do something where you can lose yourself for a few hours.”

Jeff poured himself into his hobbies of teaching martial arts, target practice, and cars, even when it meant heading to the gym at 8 pm after working a full day…or going to work out at 5 am.

For Jeff’s family, joy also came in the form of laughter. They learned to laugh, even cry-laugh. “We would seek out standup comedians on YouTube and HBO,” said Wilma. Staying positive was key for them. If Jeff was having a bad day, he’d reach out to a friend or family member to watch a funny movie with him.

Learn as much as you can

Being informed helps reduce uncertainty. It can also help you feel more in control. Early on, Jeff and his family focused on learning as much as they could about neuroendocrine cancer and its treatment options. As a person who grew up with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Jeff knew he wasn’t the best person to do all the research. So, he divided it up. His family served as his researchers, gathering data, finding reliable sources for accurate information, and then sharing that information.

Establish good communication with your care team

Doctor’s visits can be a challenge. There is never enough time to learn all you need to know. And there can be a lot of unfamiliar terms. That’s why Jeff always took someone with him (or many people…commonly referred to as his “tribe,” for every test and treatment. He came prepared with a list of questions, tough questions, so he knew what to expect. In addition to taking notes on the answers, Jeff and his family members used their cell phones to make audio recordings of the doctors’ answers so they could go back and listen again and again.

Friends and family supported Jeff during his cancer journey. Left to right: step brother (Michael Stallsmith), brother (Rick Danuloff), Jeff Danuloff, good friend Jimmy Elowe.

Find support

To cope with the emotional challenges of living with neuroendocrine tumors, people need someone to talk to, someone they trust, someone that will listen without judging.

That can take many different forms. Some people rely on support groups, mental health counselors, or faith leaders.

Jeff turned to his devoted wife Jasmine, friends, and family for support.  He was particularly adept at knowing who to call when, whether he needed someone to listen to him vent or someone to tell him to snap out of it.  

Stay positive

It is common to have days when you’re down. Let yourself grieve in whatever way feels natural. But find tools to bring you back from that place.

“Jeff sometimes needed a couple of hours of wallowing and feeling sorry for himself because of all of the needles, poking, and jumping into bushes to throw up. He’d ask the normal question… ‘Why is this happening to me?’” said Wilma.

The Danuloff/Fellman family, however, doesn’t believe in good days and bad days. Instead, Jeff’s aunt coined the phrase “good minutes and bad minutes.”

“You don’t write off the whole day because you feel crappy for a few minutes. That’s an overgeneralization,” said Wilma. 

This philosophical perspective helped Jeff reframe and move beyond the moments when cancer seemed too much to bear. He used problem-solving to get beyond “bad minutes.”

“Whatever the problem was in that minute, we would try to solve it to ease the situation,” said Wilma.  Jeff’s care team helped ease pain, symptoms, and side effects. His doctors helped him find what he needed to get through it.

Celebrate life

Jeff’s family celebrated his cancerversary (anniversary of his cancer diagnosis) every year.  This allowed them to celebrate what was good and be thankful for another year together.

When Jeff passed in May of 2019, 600 people celebrated the life he led… a life filled with intention, passion, and purpose, despite illness and obstacles that tried to slow him down.  His energy and positivity were universally inspirational.  

To honor Jeff, Jeff’s family has established a tribute fund in his memory to raise $10,000 for neuroendocrine tumor research.

The post Coping with the uncertainty of cancer appeared first on NETRF.

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[richiefuckfacetozier]

Chapter 11: Piece of My Heart

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Commission by @kseniadraws

Title - Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin

Also on Archive of Our Own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

This chapter is told from Richie's perspective and anything in italics is Richie's thoughts.

Richie woke up spread out on his bed in just his boxers. His head felt groggy and his body exhausted in a great way. He had easily had the best sleep in weeks.  Did I dream that Eddie and I got busy last night? We definitely didn’t have sex but he still blew my fucking mind.

He slowly rose out of bed, grabbed his Rolling Stones band shirt from the floor then walked out the door to his bathroom.

He stopped in the middle of the hall because his house smelled delicious. Someone was cooking an incredible breakfast.

He bounded into the kitchen and stopped abruptly in the door frame. Eddie had his back to him, cooking bacon furiously. There were eggs, hash browns, French toast, fruit, and bagels. He was wearing Richie’s favorite blue sweater and it went to his thighs. The sleeves were rolled up 3 or 4 times. He also wore a pair of old pajama pants that did not fit Richie but looked great on Eddie. Everything looks perfect on Eddie.

Richie’s mother was drinking coffee and reading a book, her breakfast plate halfway finished. Richie’s jaw opened in shock.

“Am I in an alternate universe?” Richie blurted out.

His mother looked up and rolled her eyes. “Hello, Richie.” Then went back to eating.

“Hello mother,” Richie responded slowly, “If that is your real name. You seem to be looking...sober.” His mother shot him a nasty glare but did not retort.  

“Good morning, Rich!” Eddie said cutting through the tension with extra cheeriness. He did not turn to look at Richie which made him anxious. How do I play this? Be cool. Don’t show you are in love with him or he will kill you.

“Morning, DUDE. Making breakfast for my mother? She’s a married woman, Eddie. Even if the ass is never around.” His mother scoffed and Richie saw Eddie’s shoulders tense. He went to stand next to Eddie and picked a piece of bacon straight out of the pan. “OUCH FUCK!” He dropped the bacon and cradled his fingers to his chest.

“Richie! You idiot!” Eddie turned off the stove, grabbed Richie’s hand and pulled him over to the sink. He shoved Richie’s hand under the faucet and ran warm water over it.

“Should I grab anything?” His mother asked awkwardly.

“I just stocked your first aid supplies in the cabinet over there.” Eddie pointed behind him. “There is burn cream and bandages inside.”

Eddie inspected his hand as they kept the water running over it. “What’s the damage Dr. K?”

Eddie clicked his tongue in annoyance, “Imbecile disease and a burn. The burn we can treat. The disease not so much.”

Richie laughed and reached across the counter with his not burned hand to grab a piece of French toast. “That’s alright. I’ve lived with the disease my whole life.” He shoved it in his mouth and immediately groaned in delight. “This tastes fucking amazing.”

“Here.” His mother handed Eddie the supplies, picked up her plate of food and left the kitchen.

“Helpful bitch.” Richie mumbled.

Eddie did not respond but his expression softened. He turned off the water and dried off Richie’s hand. He glanced at the kitchen entrance then brought Richie’s hand to his mouth to kiss.

“You alright?” Eddie whispered his cheeks tinted pink. Richie smiled then kissed his cheek quickly, which only made them turn redder.

Richie sighed, “Hey Eds?”

“Don’t call me Eds. I don’t call you ‘Chee’.” Eddie said wittily.

Richie did not answer right away, his mouth had gone dry and his eyes were scanning Eddie obviously. Eddie looked at him with a raised eyebrow waiting for him to say something.

“I was just so turned on at the thought of you calling me ‘Chee’ that I completely forgot what I was going to ask you.” He responded.

Eddie glared at him and let go of his hand. “I’m not fucking calling you ‘Chee’. Get out of my house.”

Richie laughed, “This is my house!”

“What’s your point?” Eddie huffed out. Richie knew he was not actually mad because he made a plate of food for him.

“Thanks! Everything smells fucking amazing. I don’t think I have ever seen this much food in my kitchen in...ever.” Richie began shoving food into his mouth barely taking time to chew or breathe.

“Slow down, Richie! You are going to make yourself vomit.” Eddie grabbed a plate for himself and sat across from him. “And eat fruit, it’s good for you.”

“Yeah yeah.” Richie snagged a banana and peeled it slowly. He made the hardest contact with Eddie as he did it. Eddie’s eyes widened. Then he licked the side of the banana slowly bringing his tongue to the top and took a vicious bite out of it.

Eddie’s voice shook as he said, “I have officially decided you are never coming near my dick with your mouth. Honestly, I don’t know if I want you to kiss me ever again.”

“We’ll see,” Richie smirked. “Oh! You know what we should do today?! Practice driving! Since we have MY car now.” Richie said ‘my car’ with so much pride, it made Eddie smile.

That smile faltered a bit as he answered, “Oh...um...about that…” Eddie began hesitantly. “The others tried to teach me and it went horribly. I had a panic attack just about every time. Even made Ben cry.”

“Shit Eddie. That’s hilarious.” Richie put eggs, bacon, and potatoes in between a bagel. He took a comical bite with almost all the food falling out.

“I cannot handle you.” Eddie shook his head.

“Wont no unless ve try.” Richie said with food spitting everywhere.

“Attractive,” Eddie said dryly.

Richie swallowed quickly, “I think it will be different with me teaching. I’m calmer than the rest of them.”

“I don’t think I would use calm to describe you. Undiagnosed ADHD probably. Calm, not so much. But we can try it though.” Eddie shivered and clung to the sweater a little tighter. “Fuck, I am so cold.”

“Me too. Mind if I use your thighs as earmuffs?” Richie grinned at Eddie’s horror.

He managed to choke out an indignant, “Richie!”

“We haven’t seen each other in two weeks. I have about 50 plus pickup lines to catch up with.” Richie ducked as Eddie threw a bagel at his head, which made them laugh until their sides hurt.

They kept eating and enjoying each other’s company. Richie began picturing this as what living together would be like. After they went to Vermont, he wondered where he and Eddie would end up when they graduated next year. Even when they were just friends, he always loved the thought of them being together forever. Would we get a house? Or an apartment in a city? Do we go to the same college? I may not even go to college. Could we be together in that way? Like a regular couple. We are two guys in love but what’s next…

“Did you hear me Richie?” Eddie’s voice slashed through the daydream. Richie shook his head apologetically.

Eddie gave him an exasperated expression but continued anyway, “I restocked your kitchen this morning with food and most of your house with cleaning supplies. I was thinking we should clean it up. It is looking pretty shitty.”  

“Can we do it later?” Richie whined like a 5-year-old. “I want to hang out, we haven’t hung out in forever.”

Eddie tapped the top of the table with his hand contemplating then sighed, “Alright, we can hang out. Do you want me to call the rest of the Losers?”

“No, I see them fucking plenty and school starts up again tomorrow so I will see them then. I want to hang out just us.” Richie brought his hand forward to hold Eddie’s small one. Eddie glanced at the kitchen entrance again but relaxed into the touch. The ring he gave Eddie for his birthday was still there on his pinky. I wonder what it would be like for it to be on his ring finger. Probably would not fit because it’s so small and...did I just legitimately think about marriage to Eddie?

Richie’s eyes flicked to Eddie’s brown eyes. He always loved looking into them because they were so unique with silverish grey flecks sparkling in them. He loved when they turned dark like storm clouds any time he was angry. Or horny. Hee hee.

Richie was about to bring his face forward to kiss him but Eddie shook his head and removed his hand. “Sorry, Rich.”

“Me too.” Richie said in frustration. It drove him crazy that they could not be affectionate except behind closed doors. What he would give to just hold Eddie’s hand in public or kiss him whenever.

“Alright, well, I need to go home and change. Also, to check in with ma, so she knows I am alive.” Eddie picked up their plates and started washing the dishes.

“I’ll quickly shower and drive you over.” Richie stood behind Eddie placing his hands on his hips.

“Richie…” Eddie warned.

Richie smirked and moved to flush his body against Eddie’s back.

“I’m serious...” Eddie tried to wiggle out of the grasp but Richie was too strong.

He lowered his lips to Eddie’s ear whispering, “Call...me…’Chee’ and I’ll stop.”

“Not on your life.” Eddie put the plates down and went to spin his body around. Richie put his hands over Eddie’s arms trapping him up against the counter.

“Your mother could fucking walk in!” Eddie angry whispered struggling to free himself.

“So what if she does?” Richie argued. “She already knows about me.”

“But not about me and I don’t want it to get back to Mom!” Richie let go of Eddie at that. Eddie spun around glaring up at him.

“So how long until you tell your mom?” Richie asked boldly. Eddie’s eyes widened in confusion. “Next month? Next year? When we graduate? When we move in together? When we get married and have kids? Never?” He said every question mockingly in about as nasty a tone as Richie could make. It was working because Eddie looked like a beat up pup.

Richie turned and left the kitchen. He all of a sudden felt mad and upset at himself. That was cruel. I shouldn’t have said those things.

“Rich, wait.” Eddie’s nervous voice called from down the hall.

“I’ll be out in a couple of minutes.” He said harshly as he rushed into the bathroom and closed the door.

The drive to Eddie’s house was not silent but there was obvious tension between them. Richie tried cracking jokes but none of them quite landed correctly. Eddie would laugh at them except it was like he could not really hear him and was just going through the motions.

He parked in front of Eddie’s house and Richie went to unbuckle his seat belt to go with him but Eddie stopped him.

“Babe, can you um…stay in the car. I just...you know how Mom can be…” Eddie was stroking Richie’s arm in a soothing way.

The earlier rage was bubbling to the surface again. “Sure, whatever. I already gave her some good loving last night. Oh wait, that was her son. Easy to get them mixed up.” He tried to smile to show it was a joke but he knew it came out a sneer.

Eddie punched Richie’s shoulder hard, “Beep beep, asshole.” He opened the door and slammed it shut.

Richie rubbed the now bruising spot on his arm watching Eddie march into his house. I need to cool it or else this day is going to be shit. We literally go two weeks without seeing each other and it’s like I don’t know how to talk to him.

Those two weeks were just as painful for Richie as he knew they were for Eddie. Stuck in his house, desperately forcing his mother to eat food or drink water. He would talk to her constantly even when she told him to shut up and go away. On a particularly drunk night, she said Richie would be better off without her. This confession scared him shitless, he tried to get ahold of his dad but his work had no idea where he was fucking around. Richie just wanted to be held by Eddie and told everything was going to be alright but instead, he was trapped in a personal hell. He wanted to tell Eddie all this except the burden belonged to him and him alone.

Eddie came back bundled up in a big coat. He opened the door and went to hand over Richie’s sweater but Richie pushed it back toward him.

“Rich, I’m not taking your favorite sweater.” Eddie demanded.

“I want you to have it my twizzler.” Richie said softly gazing at Eddie apologetically.

“Ok.” Eddie paused for a moment, then removed his winter coat and sweater to put the blue one instead. They grinned at each other, Eddie still standing outside the car.

“That sweater looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.” Richie wiggled his eyebrows which made Eddie’s nose wrinkle in disgust. “God, you are so cute.” Richie said in wonder.

“Shut up...” Eddie mumbled but a blush was sprinkling his cheeks. “I like that the sweater smells like you.”

Richie beamed at him letting his irrational anger ebb away. “So! Let’s start your driving lesson!” Richie got out of the car and headed over to the passenger side.

Eddie stared at Richie then at the car in alarm. “Now?! No, no, I’m not ready.”

Richie stood in front of him smiling. “There is no ‘ready’ or ‘not ready’ with driving. You just do it. Let’s go! To the driver's side with you.”

“Fuck me…” Eddie sighed.

“Maybe later.” Richie replied laughing at the glare Eddie shoots him.

“If this doesn’t work...I mean, who gets this anxious driving? what is everyone going to say?” Eddie took a step closer to Richie as if he wanted to be physically comforted but he stopped himself from touching Richie.

Richie quickly pushed Eddie’s bangs to the side to give some lite contact then removed his hand. “I think it's time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...‘Nice ass!’”

Eddie tried to look angry but broke into a huge smile. “You are an idiot.” Then trekked over to the other side of the car. Eddie sat in the driver’s seat trying to adjust the seat, steering wheel, and mirrors to his exact liking.

“You are so fucking tall, it is not fair.” Eddie complained as he brought the seat much closer to the pedals.

Richie grinned at his struggle, “I like being taller than you. Makes me feel like I can protect you from anything. Even though you are usually the one protecting me.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow, “Protecting you from what?”

“Myself.” Richie shrugged.

“I don’t know Richie. Remember when I spilled popcorn from the balcony of the movie theater onto Bowers' head? You were the one that poured soda after so it looked like it was your fault.” Eddie recalled. “You have always protected me.”

Richie barked out a laugh, “That was a fucking fantastic day! The look on his face was priceless. But you protect me from my own mouth and accept me for all my glaring flaws.”

“When you love someone, you barely notice they have flaws.” Eddie admitted biting his lower lip subconsciously.

Richie felt his heart clench and could not take it anymore. He put his hand on the side of Eddie’s face and brought their lips together. Eddie let him returning the kiss but broke away quickly glancing out the windows to make sure passersby had not seen them.

“And when I am going through shit...like now...you try to help.” Richie breathed out slowly still holding onto Eddie’s face to ground himself. “The only reason I felt safe leaving the house today was because Mom actually ate food. She was drinking coffee, Eds?! Without added whiskey to make it Irish. I honestly thought I walked into someone else’s house.”

“She was a lot nicer to me than last night.” Eddie smiled anxiously. “That may have been because I handed her Tylenol and water the minute she walked in. Then fixed her a plate of food fast so she would not argue.”

“She probably doesn't remember last night and oh my god...you asshole.” Richie smiled. Eddie grinned mischievously which confirmed his suspicions. “You used to do that with me!”

“You were starving yourself!” Eddie complained.

“Listen, I just went a couple days without lunch in 9th grade. It wasn’t a big deal.” Richie shook his head.

Eddie pointed his finger threateningly, “No, you went without lunch practically every day for 2 years because your family couldn’t be bothered to stock your fridge.”

“Well, my job at the record store helps pay for my lunches now.” Richie shook his head. “I can’t believe you tricked my mom the same way you used to trick me. Put food in front of a hungry person before they can refuse.”

“You Tozier’s are easily manipulated.” Eddie joked. Richie’s face fell a little. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t meant to be mean. Rich...I…”

“Eddie, it’s fine. It is true. My mom is manipulated every day staying with my dad.” He looked out the window and added darkly, “Drinking herself into an early grave.”

Eddie took his hand. “Hey,” he waited until Richie slowly met his eyes, “We will figure this out. Together. No more doing it alone shit. Promise me?”

Richie nodded slowly.

“Great! Now, show me how to drive this screaming metal death trap.”

They started out slowly driving through the neighborhood. Things were going alright even though Eddie was extremely tense. He was doing a really good job but kept arguing with Richie the whole time. Richie ignored him and just continued giving instructions which Eddie obeyed automatically.

“Turn left here. Don’t forget to indicate.”

“Oh god oh shit oh Jesus…” Eddie repeated under his breath.

“You are doing so well, Eds.” Richie reassured.

“No, I’m not. I am so bad at this. I hate it.” Eddie turned the wheel slowly as he crossed the intersection and made a perfect left turn.

Richie smirked, “If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.”

“Why can’t you be serious?!” Eddie whined as he kept driving through the streets with no problem.

“Oh! I got another one! Are you a parking ticket?” Richie looked at him seeing if he knew what was coming. Eddie kept his eyes forward as Richie said, “Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.”

“You are a monster.” Eddie groaned.

“Hey, I’m pretty and you’re cute. Together we’d be Pretty Cute.” Richie grinned delightedly.

“Alright, that one was actually nice.” Eddie said begrudgingly.

“I would tell you a joke about my penis, but it’s too long!” Richie had already started to laugh as he said the last terrible pickup line.

“Fuck you, Richie! GOD!” Eddie yelled.

“Ok parallel park into that spot there.” Richie pointed to the curb.

Eddie shook his head, “This is not going to work Richie, you are just too distracting and...”

“Great parking job, Eds!” Richie cheered.

“You aren’t listening to me, Rich!” Eddie claimed.

“Alright, put it in reserve and backup.” Richie coaxed. Eddie immediately did what Richie asked still rambling on. “And put the car in park! You did it!”

Eddie ceased talking and looked at his parking job. It suddenly occurred to him that he had driven, done an unprotected left turn, parallel parked, and backed up perfectly.

“Richie! You are a fucking genius!” Eddie squealed with delight.

Richie shrugged, “It was all you. I merely gave directions.”

Eddie leaned over grabbing Richie’s face to capture his lips in a kiss. Successfully driving seemed to make Eddie euphoric. He broke contact to climb over the console and straddle Richie’s lap.

“Holy shit Eds!” Richie said excitedly. “I'll need to teach you things more often.”

“Shut up and kiss me.” Eddie breathed.

“Fuck yeah,” Richie kissed Eddie hard and when Eddie moved his lips to Richie’s neck he moaned. He reached up under Eddie’s shirt, his cool hands on Eddie’s bare sides. Eddie unbottuned Richie's shirt preventing him from thinking straight, he could only breathe. They found themselves getting lost in making-out. Forgetting where they were. Just being normal teenagers for once.

Eddie eventually slipped back into the driver’s seat. Richie slowly buttoned his shirt back up. They were quiet for a little bit, then Richie laced his fingers with Eddie’s. “Hey,” Eddie looked over at him with a smile. “I missed you so much during this break.”

“I missed you too, Richie.”

Richie shook his head, “No, like. I miss you all the time. When you are gone, when you talk to someone other than me, when you fall asleep first...it is hard to explain. So even if it did not seem like it, I really did miss you these past two weeks. I love you, Eds.”

Eddie’s eyes welled up as he leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips. Then he patted Richie on the chest, “Dude,” he said, “I just have to tell you that you buttoned your shirt wrong.”

Which in Eddie Kaspbrak language clearly meant, ‘I love you, too. Maybe forever.’

Mature Ending

@sammy8675309 @slashpalooza @ohheydatsme @dandeliontozier @reddie-brasil @takemetothetide

[sweetsonautica]

hahaha

man! so! BIG breakdown under the break

apparently the break doesn’t go on mobile, so long fucking post to scroll through, sorry

it has been almost a year since I failed to graduate college after taking an extra year and i have been able to do nothing but wallow for a whole god damn year like the entire planet is nearly in the same position it was in last year after travelling millions and millions of miles and I am the same piece of shit I have been all year. I haven’t been able to get mobilized to get back to minnesota because it all seems entirely impossible and completely beyond anything I could be capable of doing because why would I be able to do anything? it’s not like I’ve ever done anything! 

i’ve only been in therapy this time since february because why would I start therapy out here?? i’ll definitely be back by my birthday, other people’s birthdays, the movies I wanted to see with people, the holidays I wanted to be able to enjoy with people, literally any of these!! i know that therapy is good and all that noise but that is literally just noise because i have felt so fucking few effects of any of it it’s been twice a week and all it has done is make me more acutely aware of my awful habits which are part of why i hate myself, and make me more aware of how STAGGERINGLY dysfunctional my family life has been forever and make me even more bitter about everything than i was before!(very!!)

like i know it’s done more than that but i’m very upset right now so i will continue to be dramatic

but every time i go in i can’t fucking think of anything i should be talking about or how to ask for strategies on how to do anything by myself because why would i ever ask for anything?? when have things gone well in something i have actively wanted and sought?? things that i haven’t been able to work myself up about until i have so thoroughly ruined them that they are no longer anything that makes me happy??? exactly one time

doctors started telling me i might have adhd almost two years ago and have i been able to make any kind of progress dealing with that?? no! do i have the slightest idea what progress with that would even fucking look like?? no! have i been able to make any calls about the neuropsych testing my therapist thinks i should take?? hahaha! what the fuck do i think will even come from this?? vindication and a more scientific diagnosis of something i have already become very sure i have?? but what do doctors know, I am a 24 year old asshole who couldn’t get his fucking bachelors in FIVE YEARS!(that is one more than 95% of my friends!(and pretty much all of them actually graduated!!!!))

it’s just so fun, also, how i have so fucking little opinion of myself i have never been able to reach out and talk to my friends because why the fuck would anyone want to talk to me? and if they do then: “how the fuck do i talk about how i am doing?”(bad) “how the fuck do i talk about my situation?”(depressing) “how the fuck do i talk about how i feel exactly nowhere close to seeing all these people i love and care about?”(i feel so much shame!) the answer? just don’t!!! just fucking don’t talk to people for like a year it’s super fucking healthy i love it!!

it has been four years since i took half a semester off to try and get my head on straight and it is!!! ??? in a ditch! covered in petrol! i am in such a worse state than i was then!! it is almost a year since the last objectively happy time i can remember!(i am counting as when i was happy enough not to get down about all my shit all the time) and as i’m trying to pull together for another stab to get out of here, all i can think about is “why the fuck do i think any part of this will work out at all??” “when this plan fails to work how on earth am i going to not just crawl under my bed and eat captain crunch in my pajamas for a month??” “how weird is it going to be talking to everyone if i ever get back out there??” “has it been too long pick things back up?/did i definitely ruin any future chances by not talking to her like at all this whole time because i never knew when i’d be coming back and felt such great shame about everything about my current situation??”(probably!(HAH!))

man i’ve been running at this post for an hour and i need to stop now. i hate posts like this because i’ve always thought that these kinds of things were sad and something that i shouldn’t do, even though i’ve never had that thought about anyone else’s personal posts(HUH I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT) this isn’t a cry for help(i mean i think literally everything i do and say is a cry for help, but like) but more of trying to say things because i am upset. i guess if i have such crazy issues reaching out to people to talk about shit, then I’ll just post like ten paragraphs talking about my feelings! but like i’m posting this on my main blog so like? sorry if you don’t wanna hear about my shit! you did click keep reading! 

in summation