#Sorry real Dolphin now you have to contend with this knowledge. But think of it this way.. at least you’re on holiday in spirit? 😅

[soft-serve-soymilk]

This is based on the lrb on my sideblog but also WHO stole my wife. My miniature wife. From my Unit 4 piece last year. I’m not even upset, I too feel very noncommittal about it, I just want to know whyyyyy

[matrixaffiliate]

A Twist of Fate

Co-written with @hufflepuffmarlenemckinnon

FFN and AO3

Chapter 8

"Booooooooored," Sirius sang in the most grating way that he could muster.

"Well, I'm terribly sorry that none of the rest of us feels like celebrating our imminent doom…" Marlene rolled her eyes at him as she examined her cloak.

"If we really knew we were doomed then what would be the purpose of being miserable?" He argued. "I'd much prefer celebrating. I'd much prefer anything to this, really."

Watching other people cry and be ill upon a boat was worse than boring. It was outright unpleasant. Sirius liked to think he saw the pleasantness in all situations whenever he could, but this whole thing was just a dearth of pleasing sights.

Marlene heaved a sigh, "I'm sure we'd all much prefer anybody to you, but here we are."

Except one. Marlene, daughter of Fate was an endlessly pleasing sight. He could have looked at her like one does a clear night sky. There was never a moment where you decided 'well I've seen this sky, that's quite enough.' Marlene only got more profoundly beautiful every time he looked at her.

He hated it and felt almost as sick as the poor idiot retching violently off the deck.

Marlene glared at him before standing and walking to the said retching young man. She placed a hand on his back and whispered in his ear. Much to Sirius' surprise, the man stood and looked like he hadn't just spent the last several hours vomiting over the side of the ship. But it struck Sirius that the lad also looked quite frightened of Marlene. That didn't make any sense.

Marlene walked back with a touch of sadness in her eyes.

"So you aren't so dreadful after all." Sirius taunted as she returned to sitting next to him and running her fingers over her cloak. "What'll the captain have to call you now?"

"I'd prefer he just refrain from calling upon me at all." Marlene pressed her palm to her forehead. "That poor boy was miserable, and it was in my power to help. So I did. Anyone would."

She was even worse when she went and said things like that. Sirius felt short of breath. He was dangerously close to actually admiring her. That would not do… not even a little bit. He could not let himself consider the content of her heart or her mind. It was hard enough to contend with the undeniable attraction to her more surface qualities.

Why couldn't she have been Hephaestion's daughter? Demigoddess of ugliness and also big hulking tools that could be used as weapons against the thing they were supposed to subdue. That would have been very helpful. How were they meant to do that anyway? She couldn't exactly kill a great horrible death-beast by being excessively beautiful.

"You're staring at me," she didn't even look over at him as she said it, and Sirius quickly looked away.

She might kill him in exactly that manner… Sirius felt like he would probably die. It was so unbelievably embarrassing. He didn't want to look at her. He didn't like her. He had no idea what good she was doing him on this whole quest and it was entirely possible she'd work against him rather than with him. It was more than a little inconvenient that he felt his stomach flip over upon itself every time she looked him in the eye. Her blue eyes could pin him against a wall if she'd wanted to.

He didn't know what to do. He never did. He'd almost certainly inherited his father's ineptitude in the way of planning.

All he could think to do was to antagonize her. It was weak, but it was his only shield against the flutters in his chest. If she hated him it would be easier to get a hold on this horribly ill-advised infatuation. Unfortunately, all his unpleasantness seemed to only make her bored with him.

Perhaps he could try something else. The first idea in his head was the first out of his mouth. That was usually the way of it, for Sirius.

"So your betrothed… you must miss him as much as I miss fun by now."

Marlene gave him a quizzical look. "I'm not yet well enough acquainted with him."

Sirius stared at her, "You mean you don't actually know the man you're supposed to marry?"

"Well, of course, I know him," Marlene rolled her eyes. "I've met him once, a week or so ago."

Sirius could not process what he had just heard. This was not what he intended to learn. No… this was bad and he immediately wished he hadn't asked. He'd expected to hear her gush on about some mortal she was in love with and for that to serve as some sort of reminder to him to stop staring at her like a hopeless puppy. He was a full grown dog dammit! Not a puppy. He had some dignity. Maybe.

Or not. He couldn't help but poke his cold wet nose at the metaphorical snake.

"Do you even know anything about what he's like, really?" He was genuinely perplexed as to why a woman like this would be so certain that she wanted to marry a man she'd met once. That in and of itself was strange but there was also the fact she was going to give up a part of who she was for this man? Why? Perhaps, either through her own powers or through her mother's telling, she knew this match was fated. That would explain it better than anything else Sirius could think of.

"He's handsome," she shrugged, "and he's kind. If memory serves me he makes and sells pottery."

"You sound in the throes of passion," Sirius drawled with a sort of sarcasm that he thought must have been proof of his mortal heritage. The god of revelry was unable to produce such bitter notes with his eerily melodic voice.

He smirked at the look of annoyance that crossed Marlene's face. He could comfort himself in the knowledge that his mother had never in her life been known to smirk. She didn't smile at all, really, at least not in Sirius's memory. This part of him was all Father.

"Have you become demigod of interrogations now?"

"No I don't actually care or anything it's just that we're on this dreadful boring boat and I was trying to… you know… make conversation? Or is that beneath you what with all your foresight and all…"

Making petty low blows to her character was childish. But she'd already indicated that she thought he was childish and perhaps maximizing on that quality would be the thing to get under her skin. He had to create distance. Distance was the only way out of this. If he didn't get out of this he'd likely get eaten by a horrible beast thing because he would be busy staring moonstruck at the daughter of Fate.

"I'm not above conversation; I just don't appreciate having to prove to you my desire to marry." She glared at him.

Sirius felt some measure of pride that he was winning. "I'm not asking you to prove anything. I was just asking the normal questions one asks about another's betrothed. You know, normal things couples know about each other."

"Forgive me; I didn't realize that my attempt at some semblance of a happy life was any of your concern." She looked away from him and out over the water, but she didn't leave.

Sirius's eyes followed her annoyingly perfect face as she turned. She looked troubled. Not angry, but sad and worried. He didn't know how to deal with those sorts of feelings. His usual strategy was to avoid them altogether, but he found himself unable to walk away from Marlene.

He cursed that fact and considered apologizing for his rudeness. Even though it had been entirely intentional, it hadn't been designed to make her sad. He couldn't bring himself to say the words though. They stalled inside his mouth and he swallowed them back down. Perhaps she really would hate him now. He sincerely hoped that he hadn't been the cause for lasting sadness in the Dreadfully Beautiful Daughter of Fate.

He was no better with silences than he was with sadness. It was so unnatural for a son of Dionysus. He asked himself what his father would say in this instance to lighten the mood and then let the words fall out of his mouth.

"Did you know that Apollo can turn into a dolphin?"

She sighed, "...no, I did not."

"Well, it's just that we're on a boat and it reminded me of the tale my Father told me about Apollo being in dolphin form and saving a ship from a terrible storm by leaping aboard and guiding the ship to shore."

"That sounds very... heroic…I suppose." She finally turned to look at him wearily.

"Rightly so," Sirius smirked, "but I have to wonder why he did the whole thing as a dolphin."

He saw the corners of her mouth turn up just a hair, and then watched the smile grow into a real sigh of laughter. Even her teeth were perfect. Her smile was as blindingly bright as the very sun that Helios chauffeured around. Sirius was sure he would get burned.

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Kevin Wozniak on Kevflix: 2020 NFL Mock Draft – Movie Edition

Kevflix has always been a website about movies, with the occasional dabble into some T.V..  But my first love before getting into writing about movies was sports and it is something I am still very passionate about.  Since I can remember, I’ve always loved sports.  I have my favorites to play and watch, but I don’t discriminate against any sport.  Whether something as popular as basketball or a sport so random it might not even be classified as a sport, I’ll watch it and try to play it all.

This week, the 2020 NFL Draft is taking place, though it won’t be the event that it has been in past years thanks to COVID-19.  I love watching the NFL and the NFL Draft is always a big day for the sport.

In honor of the draft, I am going to do a mock draft of the first ten picks of the 2020 draft.  Then, using my knowledge of each team, along with some real 2020 NFL mock drafts to see what the teams need, I am going to draft them a player from a football movie that would actually make an impact on their team and one that I could realistically see the team drafting if they were real.

For a football movie to be eligible, the movie must be fiction, so sorry Remember the Titans, The Express, and Friday Night Lights.  All fictional movie character are eligible, even if they were in high school, prison, or are older than draft picks would usually be.

Those are the rules.  Here is the 2020 NFL Draft – Movie Edition.

          #1 PICK – CINCINNATI BENGALS

The Cincinnati Bengals select…

    BOBBY BOUCHER, LINEBACKER (The Waterboy)

The Bengals are a bit of a mess right now.  They haven’t been able to trade Andy Dalton this off-season, yet they have a strong running game with Joe Mixon, a stud wide receiver in A.J. Green, and good number two and three receivers in Tyler Boyd and John Ross III, so the offense could be solid under the right play calling.  Bobby Boucher is a bonafide stud.  A hard-hitting, well-hydrated linebacker that will elevate the defense to a new level and take some of the pressure off the offense .  Though Cincinnati is a long way from the Louisiana swamp where Boucher grew up, I’m sure his Momma wouldn’t mind a change of scenery, especially when her boy has All-Pro talent.

    #2 PICK – WASHINGTON REDSKINS

The Washington Redskins select…

    LUTHER “SHARK” LAVAY, LINEBACKER (Any Given Sunday)

The Redskins are an absolute nightmare on offense.  Will Dwayne Haskins pan out as a starting quarterback?  The backfield is all over the place and their wide receivers aren’t any better.  So rather than add another young offensive player to a messy situation, the Redskins sad defense will get an immediate upgrade in Luther “Shark” Lavay.  He’ll add an intensity and power to a Redskins defense and give other divisional quarterbacks Dak Prescott, Carson Wentz, and Daniel Jones some real trouble during the season.  Lavay has Hall of Fame potential.

      #3 PICK – DETROIT LIONS

The Detroit Lions select…

    BECKY “ICEBOX” O’SHEA, LINEBACKER/FULL BACK (The Little Giants)

Becky might be the best overall player in the draft.  She can play both sides of the ball and is a beast on both ends.  The Lions would love to pick “Icebox” here.  On the defensive end, she’ll make a huge impact on a defense that has been known to give up a lot of points.  On the offensive side, the Lions run game has been injury-prone and unreliable, so “Icebox” has the potential to be a major player for Matt Stafford.  In a brutal NFC North, “Icebox” would be a force to be reckoned with.

      #4 PICK – NEW YORK GIANTS

The New York Giants select…

    DEACON MOSS, WIDE RECEIVER (The Longest Yard)

The Giants are young with a lot of potential.  Daniel Jones is now quarterback and he has a beast of a running back behind him in Saquan Barkley.  Jones’ receiving core is a bit suspect, however.  Golden Tate is really solid, but Sterling Shepard is having trouble with concussions and Darius Slayton is too young and raw to know if he’s legit or not.  Though he has some off-the-field issues, Deacon Moss would immediately become Jones’ number one target and has the potential to be a Michael Irvin-esque talent (*wink wink*).

    #5 PICK – MIAMI DOLPHINS

The Miami Dolphins select…

    “STEAMIN’” WILLIE BEAMON, QUARTERBACK (Any Given Sunday)

Miami has a lot of young talent on the offensive end.  The signing of Jordan Howard gives them a solid backfield and they have good young receivers.  They need someone to throw them the ball and unfortunately Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t the man to do it.  “Steamin’” Willie Beamon is a little rough around the edges, but his upside is huge.  He has a cannon and can run.  Also, Beamon would thrive in the South Beach lifestyle.  Defense is still questionable, but Beamon has the potential to turn this team around in a now Brady-less AFC East.

    #6 PICK – LOS ANGELES CHARGERS

The Los Angeles Chargers select…

    SHANE FALCO, QUARTERBACK (The Replacements)

The loss of Phillip Rivers has put the Chargers in an interesting position.  They have a lot of talented players on both sides of the ball, especially on offense.  But is Tyrod Taylor the way they want to go?  Shane Falco, though a bit old for a draft pick, would be a great pick here.  Draft him here and you’ll have a veteran running your offense who can get the ball to Keenan Allen and dump it off to Austin Eckler.  They could then look to draft a younger quarterback later in the draft, like a John Mox (Varsity Blues) to learn under Falco and have a stud quarterback for the future.

      #7 PICK – CAROLINA PANTHERS

The Carolina Panthers select…

    JOEY BATTLE, LINEBACKER (The Longest Yard)

The surprising retirement of All-Pro linebacker Luke Kuechly shocked the Panthers organization this offseason and left a big whole on the defensive side.  Luckily for the Panthers, there is a great pick waiting for them at seven.  Joey Battle, like Deacon Moss, might have some off the field issues, but the combination of size, speed, and aggression will make him a perfect replacement for Kuechly in a loaded NFC South.

    #8 PICK – ARIZONA CARDINALS

The Arizona Cardinals select…

    VONTAE MACK, LINEBACKER (Draft Day)

Getting Deandre Hopkins was a huge move for the Cardinals and really improved an already exciting and talented offense.  Though they should focus on getting help for their young quarterback Kyler Murray, Mack is the kind of player that will elevate the Cardinal defense to a whole new level.  The Ohio State product is fast, tough, incredibly smart, and the kind of player you can build your defense around.  The NFC West is a tough division with San Francisco, Seattle, and Los Angeles, but with Mack on defense and this high-power offense, the Cardinals could be a sleeper contender sooner than we think.

    #9 PICK – JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

The Jacksonville Jaguars select…

    EARL MEGGETT, RUNNING BACK (The Longest Yard)

Picking Maggett here might sound surprising, as the Jaguars already have a pretty good running back in Leonard Fournette.  Fournette has had issues staying healthy since being in the league and without him, the Jags offense becomes anemic and depressing, especially with an unproven receiving core.  Maggett has a ceiling to be the next Christian McCaffrey.  He’s a little smaller than McCaffrey, but Meggett is a crafty, speedy runner who could also double as a receiver for Garner Minshew.  He’d also play well alongside a healthy Fournette, as the two could become the most dynamic backfield in the NFL.

    #10 PICK – CLEVELAND BROWNS

The Cleveland Browns select…

    BILLY BOB, OFFENSIVE TACKLE (Varsity Blues)

On paper, the Cleveland Browns have a stud offense: Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt in the backfield, Odell Beckham Jr. and Jarvis Landry at wide receiver, the huge addition of Austin Hooper at tight end, this is an offense that should destroy defenses this year.  The biggest question mark on the offense is quarterback Baker Mayfield.  However, if you give him protection, which Billy Bob would most certainly do and do very well, Mayfield could have a Pro-Bowl year.  Concussions could shorten his career, however, so the Browns will have to be super cautious with him.  But he’s worth the gamble for one of the best offenses in the NFL.

    STILL IN THE DRAFT ROOM

PAUL CREWE, QUARTERBACK (The Longest Yard)

JUMBO FUMIKO, OFFENSIVE TACKLE (The Replacements)

ROD TIDWELL, WIDE RECEIVER (Jerry Maguire)

JULIAN WASHINGTON, RUNNING BACK (Any Given Sunday)

ALVIN MACK, LINEBACKER (The Program)

BRIAN MURPHY, TIGHT END (The Replacements)

      Follow Kevflix on Twitter and Instagram, @kevflix, and on Facebook by searching Kevflix.

          The post 2020 NFL Mock Draft – Movie Edition appeared first on Kevflix.

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[flauntpage]

Morning Wood: Double Team Pleasure

My eyes hath seen the light, and we are totally fucking for real again!

Oh what a day this is. Sports are back, baby! It’s been five years – FIVE YEARS – since we’ve had anything to give a shit about. I’m not kidding. At no point since 2012 could we seriously claim that our teams were contenders or that we were truly building something great. Now, through all of that misery and waiting and trusting, it’s all coming to fruition. Carson Wentz, on whom the Eagles staked maybe their entire franchise (or at least Howie Roseman’s office location), turned in what was easily his best performance to date, maybe not in terms of sheer stats, but in a purely biblical sense on national TV. Remember when he struggled to throw the deep ball. REMEMBER THAT? The north fucking remembers it:

Carson Wentz's TD to Mack Hollins traveled 62.8 yards of raw distance in the air, the longest of any over the last two seasons #NextGenStats http://pic.twitter.com/BmIgGb2KGI

— Matt Harmon (@MattHarmon_BYB) October 24, 2017

WHAT A BOMB:

I said to my Dad that looked like it went 50 yards in the air. I then tried to do the math from the 30 to the opposing 40, 30, 20, 10… um, how many is that? I can’t do football math over 50 yards. It doesn’t compute. 62.8! That’s like, off the top of my head, 188.4 feet! What a stud. By the way, the touchdown routes on that pass chart look like the visual interpretation of a dressage horse’s dance steps:

Meanwhile, in the former Motor City, the Sixers dismantled the Pistons on the strength of Joel Embiid’s 30 points and Ben Simmons’ triple-double, which seems good:

Ben Simmons just tallied a triple-double in his *4th* game. For reference, LeBron didn’t get his first until January of his second season.

— Tom Haberstroh (@tomhaberstroh) October 24, 2017

Simmons has a double-double in three of his first four games, a triple-double in the other, and is averaging 17, 11 and 7. There is a large eggplant Emoji in my pants.

Embiid is back to being himself, Carson Wentz is DA GOD (actually he might not like that phrasing and I’m sorry, My Chosen One, oh holy shit I gone dunnit again, ah Jesus Christ), and Ben Simmons is on his way to being the greatest player ever, so let’s check in on Markelle Fultz:

To be clear, I didn’t write the title for that video and, well, at least he took one? Yeah, this is a long-term thing with Fultz. Settle in.

Let’s Wood!

  Deuce Gruden

The one game all year when Ed Hochuli is not the most jacked guy on the field. Jon's son, #Redskins strength coach Deuce, takes the title. http://pic.twitter.com/o5mmSmJrnA

— bill hofheimer (@bhofheimer_espn) October 24, 2017

Holy shit Jon Gruden named his kid Deuce.

I saw a few Tweets about Gruden playing favorites last night because his brother is the coach and his son works for the team, but I actually think he does an EXTRAORDINARY job not playing favorites, without being like the Little League coach who is overly hard on his own kid to compensate. Think about it– it’s a tough spot. He calls him “Jay Gruden” for God’s sake. And I thought doing one little segment to acknowledge that they are in fact brothers is the right way to go about it. No issues at all. Love Gruden. He’s great. And his knowledge of Carson Wentz’s college call, followed by the crew having video of it? That’s good production right there.

  It’s unclear if Jordan Hicks was on crutches

It has been confirmed @CrossingBroad @EliotShorrParks http://pic.twitter.com/Zjr9lBOQl9

— Rick Paton (@Rickybob90) October 24, 2017

  Who wore it best?

@CrossingBroad What the fuck. Haha. That thing was authentic too. http://pic.twitter.com/W1WjPUua01

— Joe Buriak (@urbudyjoe) October 24, 2017

http://pic.twitter.com/y9mB21svPP

— Michael Shapiro (@mshapiro3) October 24, 2017

I’m willing to bet the first guy is from Upper Darby. I’m actually really impressed with this. That’s a Nike jersey, but it’s not technically authentic. NFL Shop filters will catch that customization 10 times out of 10 (I’ve told you this before, but I literally used to be the guy to run those filters and oh boy you won’t believe how many ways there are to spell “cunt” if you really try). It pairs so well with the baggy khakis, it’s like a cab sav paired with a dry-aged bone-in ribeye. They were just made for each other. And speaking of bonin’, that guy ain’t doing much of it, and your mom is most certainly not dangling her parts over his… you know what, let’s just take a beat here and appreciate the look.

  Just get on top

Week 8 NFL Power Rankings (via @HarrisonNFL):

1. @Eagles 2. @RamsNFL 3. @steelers 4. @Chiefs 5-32. https://t.co/e8y9nFyy65 http://pic.twitter.com/3Kvr4LElzG

— NFL (@NFL) October 24, 2017

  Wentz

This was his coming out party, make no mistake. He was slinging it like a legitimate Aaron Rodgers out there. Calling his own college plays. Perfect strikes. Purple 65!

@CrossingBroad I’ll take a Purple 65 in a large

— @nealstradamus1 (@nealstradamus1) October 24, 2017

It’s hard not to like everything about Wentz. He’s a great player and a good person. The Dutch Destroyer video is just one example. I’m a cynic when it comes to those things, but that kid and the bracelet 100% mean something to Wentz, and imagine how much that means to his family? Wentz isn’t paying lip service to some publicity thing– he’s doing what’s right. I honestly can’t imagine a better face for a sports team.

  Everyone else

And he’s just one of many on this team. Chris Long. Malcolm Jenkins. The celebrations. Wherever you stand on the anthem thing, there’s no denying the Eagles handled it right. Just everything they do is upbeat, positive and sends a good message regardless of skin color, age, ethnicity or allegiance. So much emotional intelligence it makes me want to punch someone.

  Jason Peters chants

That's brotherhood. We ❤️ #JasonPeters! #FlyEagelsFly #EaglesNation http://pic.twitter.com/mWOPqIjEbQ

— BEX {rebekah} (@bexonair) October 24, 2017

I can’t wait for the inevitable “it’s just a sprain, back after the bye” Tweets that will make this all seem so ridiculous. But, whatever happens, that was a cool moment– if you have to go out in the NFL, let it be in front of your home fans, with them chanting your name:

.@Eagles fans chanting Jason Peters' name as he gets carted off due to injury. #WASvsPHI #FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/mOtICVwpc6

— NFL (@NFL) October 24, 2017

  Adorbs

That's Mack Hollins riding his bike to the game, lol. http://pic.twitter.com/wX7GmqIzDY

— Jimmy Kempski (@JimmyKempski) October 23, 2017

  Winning so much we’re tired of winning

Dolphins have released CB Byron Maxwell per source.

— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) October 24, 2017

  Found footing

The Eagles came out looking sluggish and like they hadn’t played in 12 days. It all felt very similar to how they looked after starting 3-0 last year. Could the lull, followed in a week by a bye, do it again to the Eagles? It felt that way for a while. But credit to the Birds for finding their footing, quickly, and picking up right where they left off. This team is for real. Maybe not a true Super Bowl contender, but absolutely for real. They have always felt more legitimate than that 3-0 team last year, which played two dreadful teams to start and then a Steelers squad that wasn’t quite right yet. This team is well-rounded, with a stronger, more cohesive D, a better offense, more experienced quarterback and depth. They’re the real deal.

  Creeptweets

If anyone has any information on this lovely redhead call: 888-729-9494! You can get yourself a fine WIP pen. http://pic.twitter.com/NBYBai7AR3

— Angelo Cataldi (@AngeloCataldi) October 24, 2017

Imagine outing this (married) woman to Angelo and getting… a pen… for your betrayal.

  We have one

get a joel embiid in your life http://pic.twitter.com/9TM6YoyCvx

— Whitney Medworth (@its_whitney) October 24, 2017

  Look familiar?

It's hard not to think of a young LeBron when watching Ben Simmons pass the ball. http://pic.twitter.com/ExuOn6PcIa

— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) October 24, 2017

  So this is good

Eagles offensive ranks through Week 7:

Points: 3rd Yards: 3rd Rushing: 2nd 1st downs: 2nd 3rd down %: 1st Point differential: 3rd TOP: 2nd

— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) October 24, 2017

Tuna can offense no more.

  Men on Women

This is real….. http://pic.twitter.com/HVYH3FDyxd

— Yashar Ali (@yashar) October 23, 2017

What do you think Sal Pal can add to this event?

Morning Wood: Double Team Pleasure published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv