#Sorry for being grossly personal? Im sad ofcourse but Im not seeking comfort or anything | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

evvlogetarian · 11 months ago

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Grossly personal posting again sighs... but I can't believe tmrw/the 2nd will mark one year since my grandma died. I was feeling okay earlier when talking to my family about it, and her death does kind of come up a lot in therapy because my grief is so different from my family's.

Like...my grandma was the first house call/removal I ever did. I bathed her postmortem, I took out all her tubes and medical devices and stitched her up. I was the last person to even *see* her before she was cremated. I still wear the pendant/her tag from the crematory on my necklace everyday.

The first year is always difficult. There's still a lot of times I find myself wanting to tell her about school or work because she was interested in my career. There's days where I want nothing more than to hug her again and catch whiffs of her perfume. Maybe tomorrow will be harder than I thought?

#.personal rambles #Sorry for being grossly personal? Im sad ofcourse but Im not seeking comfort or anything #Grief is just very strange. And I think for me its manifest different because of what I experienced #I remember the last words she said to me were 'I love you' and she was in organ failure and she was p out of it but #In those moments she looked at me and she saw me and she spoke to me #And I suppose it doesnt help that I believe that this is...it? Like theres no afterlife theres no reunion...#I just dont really have any faith in anything. The world is beyond my understanding and I think that the concept of a higher power is...eh #Its not for me. So when people tell me shes in a better place or Ill see her again its like...#Its okay that this is it. I feel that when I die I will cease to exist. All that I am and was. The people I love/d. Mere moments in time #Im not sad about that. It is what it is. It makes life more precious. etc #Wow I got weird! Anyways ! yeah

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