#Sorry but I will always get up on a soap box for country music I grew up on that shit

[cryptvokeeper]

the Dixie chicks were also vocally against the invasion of Iraq and George bush in 2003 and faced massive backlash for it

[calif0rnia-lovers]

sweet as pie.

a/n: please join me in welcoming sam wilson to the page. first story dedicated to this classic man, surely not the last.

pairing: sam wilson x black!reader

rating: 💙

main masterlist | taglist | divider © @whimsicalrogers

sum: sam is home. although times have changed, his sister’s intentions for him have not. sarah would love for her brother to settle down, and she knows the perfect person to make him do it. but when sam gets caught up with work, he misses the date sarah has set up for him.

words: 2.3K

It’s funny how the human mind works.

How easily certain moments can slip through its cracks. Names, dates, songs, conversations, faces lost to the wind, never to be remembered again. In the same turn, how those same things can be retained, recited down to the last detail in perfection.

Sam Wilson has seen enough in his lifetime--more than most men. No one could condemn him for forgetting the smallest of details from time to time. Sometimes he does. He is human. But, strangely, he can never forget a single detail when it comes to you.

Sam can still remember the first time he saw you.

The coffee-colored, cardboard box you carried in your arms--'living room' written across the front panel in your mother’s flawless penmanship. The dark curls pineappled to rest atop the crown of your head--a last-ditch attempt of fighting the Louisiana heat. The oversized Purple Rain t-shirt faded from too many runs through the wash. The round, black sunglasses sliding down the brim of your nose as you paused to take note of the boy watching you from his front window. Down to the scuffed, worn high tops that could barely pass for white.

He even remembers the soft smile you gave him once he froze--too embarrassed to move from the window after being caught watching you for the third time--before turning to lug the box up the steps of your front porch.

It was the summer of ‘94, and Sam Wilson was running late. He was expected to be at the docks assisting his father. Instead, he was peeping around his mother’s powder blue curtains, attempting to score glimpses of his new neighbors. Primarily their teenage daughter.

It’s not every day that Delacroix welcomes a new resident--let alone an entire family. Later that night, over dinner, his mother shared that you were entering your senior year--same as him.

He still remembers the knotting of his stomach. The strange and unusual experience of being tongue-tied when he’d tripped over his name--his name for god’s sake--that morning, you opened your front door to find him and Sarah on the other side. The kindness of your dark brown eyes as they met his, the soft giggle you released as you ignored his sputtering to accept the chocolate chip cookies his mother sent her children to deliver.

He also remembers the vision of you in your wedding dress. The smile he had to keep plastered on his face the night he learned his skepticism, surrounding death by broken heart, faded. You’ve never felt pain until you’ve seen the woman you love marry another man.

Sam must admit. When he returned, he expected--hoped--that those feelings would have disappeared. That they would have been erased from his life. Only, the moment he returned home, Sam discovered those feelings remained--were stronger even.

Five years later, he found you in the same house. Your parents no lived there. After their return from the blip, they packed up their things. Suddenly, tackling their bucket list was their main priority. You still had your husband’s last name but no husband. He was gone, lost to a younger woman.

Five years later, and Sam Wilson finds himself still frozen by the sight of you.

The long-sleeved maroon shirt he’s tugged on is not his number one choice. It’s all he had in his bag. The time on his watch had forced him into an ultimatum. Either run home, shower, and change into the outfit Sarah helped him pick out and risk being five hours late. Or head straight to your house, and risk being four hours and forty-five minutes late.

Sam opted for the latter.

Flowers in hand, he stands in the gateway of your backyard. His eyes admire the glow of the string lights against your skin. The yard has been transformed. Several tables and chairs, enough to host the entire neighborhood, squeezed into its space. Filled with music and laughter a few hours before the backyard is now quiet. Only the sounds of crickets, and the rustle of the trash bag in your hand, can be heard over the racing of Sam’s heart.

“Hey.” Sam takes a step forward, clearing his throat. “Sorry, I’m late.”

“Late is an understatement.” You don’t bother looking up from the plates stacked in your hands. Dumping them into the black trash bag, you move towards the next table. “You missed the entire party.”

After dumping the trash, you realize that Sam is no longer in the backyard. You find him in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” You ask, coming to a stop in the doorway.

Sam glances up from the soap-covered glass in his hands. “Helping you clean up.”

You glance around the kitchen, only to find that he’s managed to wash nearly the entire stack of dishes you’ve been dreading the entire night.

“I didn’t realize you still did stuff like this,” you tease. “What with you running off to save the world. Figured you’d just hire someone to do it for you.”

“Guess it’s a good thing I got you to keep me humble,” he winks.

Sam dries his hands with the bumblebee printed hand towel, a satisfied grin on his lips as he takes in the spotless kitchen. He’s too busy admiring his handiwork to realize you’re standing alongside him.

He turns, the snarky comment he’s prepared lost in his throat as he takes you in.

You can’t deny him a smile as you watch his eyes widen, a boyish grin brightening his face as he takes in the plate you’re holding. On it rests a single slice of homemade apple pie, topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and perfectly drizzled caramel.

“I think you’ve earned this.”

“You saved me a piece?”

“No,” you sigh, allowing your eyes to roll. “I actually saved it for me. But if I have to look at your pathetic attempt at puppy dog eyes one more second--”

“You were hoping I’d show up.” The grin on Sam’s face has morphed into a trademark smirk, the sight pulling a giggle from your lips. “You and I both know you don’t save, or share your pie with just anyone.”

Sam’s observation is spot on.

You don’t share your pie--or food, for that matter--with just anyone. In the chaos of hosting the neighborhood, you didn’t have a moment to stop and enjoy your own party. Let alone a slice of the apple pies you’d spent the previous night preparing.

Apple pies--specifically yours--were Sam Wilson’s true weakness.

The moment he sees you lugging home a bag full of granny smith and macintosh apples, he’s on full helicopter mode. You’re not sure how he knows, but he’s got a radar. One that somehow allows him to prophesize the exact moment the pies are out of the oven and set aside to cool.

He’ll show up, stopping by to say hi, or to see if you still need the drainpipe your ex-husband never got around to working on fixed, or to “pass along a message” from Sarah--as though your best friend couldn’t pick up the phone and call. Whatever the excuse Sam Wilson always manages to be the one to get the first slice of your apple pie. He’s smart enough to know that once the children of the neighborhood catch a whiff, they’ll show up on your doorstep. And as much as he loves the kids--Sam isn’t letting them steal his pie.

Sam’s words come out muffled through a mouthful of apples and crust. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Y/N. You should sell these. You'd make a killing.”

“And I’ve already told you, it’s just for fun,” you dismiss his advice, taking another spoonful of ice cream. “Besides, what do you expect me to do? Quit my good paying--although painstakingly boring--job in the hopes that enough people will like my baking to keep me afloat?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Sam nods, a smile growing as he watches your eyes roll.

It’s a conversation the two of you have had for years. Here is the rundown of how it plays out--every single time.

Sam: suggests that you finally open up the bakery you’ve been talking about since your teenage years.

You: dismiss his words of advice, reminding Sam that most teenage dreams are foolish.

Sam: ends the conversation with, “I’d show up every day for a piece.”

You: spend the rest of the night wondering if he’s right, about taking the chance, only to psych yourself out before going to bed.

“I’m just saying,” Sam sighs, sliding the plate to the side. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned. Life is going to pass you by, regardless, no matter what you do. If you give it a shot, and it fails--which is never going to happen--your life isn’t going to end.”

You glance up from the table, a tiny smile on your lips as you take in his soft smile.

“Maybe you’re right,” you shrug. “If all else fails, I’ll just tell everyone it’s the Falcon’s favorite pie--”

“You’ll have people flooding in from across the country.”

“It’s settled,” you giggle. “I’m using you in my business model.”

“Hey,” Sam chuckles. “As long as I get a cut, I’m not complaining.”

A silence falls over the tiny kitchen as your gaze drops from his.

Sam lightly raps his knuckles against the table before pushing his chair back.

“Uh—I should probably head out. You’re probably tired. I just wanted to come by and apologize...again.”

“Wow,” the light laugh you release halts Sam’s act of standing up. “The second you get what you came for you hit the ground running?”

The response is automatic. The chance to tease him is one you never pass up.

Sam’s brow raises as he takes in your smile.

“That’s not what I came for,” he admits.

“What did you come for then?”

“To ask you over to my place for breakfast tomorrow.”

The proposition hangs in the air, Sam nearly squirming in his seat as you take your time studying his gaze. You let out a sigh, your shoulders shrugging lightly, once you finally speak.

“I don’t know, Sam” You shake your head. Picking up the plate, you stand and cross the kitchen to the sink. “You just have so many responsibilities, nowadays, running around trying to save the world--”

“I’m not going anywhere tonight,” he’s quick with the reassurance. “Or any day, until we get through that date you promised me.”

You turn to face him, arms crossing over your chest as he comes to a stop before you.

“Say I show up. You have to promise me something.”

“Whatever you want.”

He knows that promise can end up being a slippery slope, depending on how hard you’re willing to make him work for it.

“If something comes up, in the future, you call me. And you tell me exactly why you can’t be here. Nobody gets to stand me up. Not the Falcon. And sure as hell, not Sam Wilson. Understood?”

Sam’s eyes drop to your interlaced fingers, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he gives your hand a gentle squeeze.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good.” Standing on your toes, you place a kiss against his cheek. “Now, go get some sleep. You’re making me breakfast in the morning. I’m expecting waffles, bacon, freshly squeezed O.J.--the works.”

if at any point you would like to be removed from the taglist, just message me

sam wilson tags: @missroro @fangirl-swagg

main tags: @crowngold @cant-decide-at-this-moment @wiccanmetallicrose @themarkblues @gemini0410 @binooo98 @the-jer-bear @abbiesthings @trhett21 @trulysuccubus @leahnicole1219 @starrynite7114 @awkwardtayler @toni9 @queenbeered @kaystacks17 @thesandbeneathmytoes @richonne4life @cocotheclown @oscars-wifeyyy @jennisdirtyimagines @ughdontbeboring @myakai13 @linziland13 @sadeyesgf @brattyfics @sincerelykas @ladyofsoa @pearlkitten33 @tian-monique @megapeacelovemusic-blog @rosieposie0624 @appropriate-writers-name @demonquartz @ourlittlesecretsoveragain @beiroviski @chaneajoyyy @frostingguru @seize-the-droid @cutiebubbleboo @siempremamita @awkwardtayler @relaxing-najee @tomhardydallasstarsgirl @inyourbackpocketisbutterflies

[darling-dontforgetme]

the whole list

I’m sorry that I took so long, and I’m so boring, but here you go!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

 Coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Eww, no to both.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

My mom worked at my elementary school, so I was very much a teacher’s pet.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Plastic cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel or boho

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

I really want to say tv shows, but I’m awful at finishing them. I still need to watch the last few episodes of Apocalypse. Don’t at me. 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Is it weird if I say my cats? It’s weird, I know. They all have different smells, and it’s comforting to be around them when I’m stressed or upset.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Nothing, literally nothing. I was that kid who always had their nose in a book, so you can imagine how awkward I was in p.e.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich or pancakes

12. name of your favorite playlist?

The only playlist I listen to is my own. I listen to a lot of country, some musicals, and a handful of older songs.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Gummy bears

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

The Handmaid’s Tale

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Why sit when you can lay down? I usually sit with my legs crossed.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My work pair of tennis shoes

18. ideal weather?

WINTER. All the cold.

19. sleeping position?

On my stomach

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop

21. obsession from childhood?

Books. I read so many books as a kid.

22. role model?

I don’t know. My therapist is pretty cool. Sarah Paulson maybe?

23. strange habits?

I eat soup with a fork. I have to put on my right sock and shoe before I can put on the left. I eat pop tarts upside down.

24. favorite crystal?

I don’t know. Rhodochrosites and amethysts are pretty.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Queen of the Silver Dollar

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Stay inside, lol. I play a lot of animal crossing, try to write sometimes. Read.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Also, stay inside- still playing animal crossing and writing or reading.

28. five songs to describe you?

I honestly have no idea. 

29. best way to bond with you?

Just hang out and talk with me. I like to stay home, or go on simple dates. I love, love, love aquariums.

30. places that you find sacred?

Churches, cemeteries

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

I’m not very confident in myself, so I tend to stick with t-shirts and shorts or leggings.

32. top five favorite vines?

I do not watch vine.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Sorry or what’s for dinner

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Those lawyer commercials that come on all of the time

35. average time you fall asleep?

Between 11:30 and 2:30

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Probably something with SpongeBob

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Hear me out, what about no lemon?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

These kids started a metal band, and our administrators thought the student body loved it, so they got to perform a lot.

41. last person you texted?

@grilledcheeseandguavajelly

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Some sort of berry

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Shorts and a t-shirt (wasn’t kidding when I said I only wear shorts and a t-shirt)

47. favorite type of cheese?

American

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

@grilledcheeseandguavajelly says "something unique but sweet but with a lot of depth to it, so like a kiwi or a honeydew or a prickly pear.”

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

Do no harm, but take no shit

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Probably something my sister has said or done

51. current stresses?

So much. I lost my job recently, and there's just a lot going on in my life right now.

52. favorite font?

Can I pick people’s handwriting as my favorite font? I know it’s dumb.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Well, I should use more lotion

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That the whole world is going to expect you to know things without you actually ever being taught those things

55. favorite fairy tale?

The Little Mermaid?

56. favorite tradition?

Getting cake for birthdays because I love cake

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Me, myself, and I

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, caring for others. I don’t know.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Don’t fuck up

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

I don’t really have any anime knowledge

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“You want to tell her that there are between two hundred and four hundred billion stars in the Milky Way, but when you look up, you could only ever see, like, twenty five hundred of them. You are one of the ones that no one can see. She is one of the ones that’s even visible in the city.”

-The Moment by T.C. Anderson

Guys, this is my favorite book. I highly recommend checking it out.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Alice Macray, Maura Isles, Temperance Brennan, Regina Mills, Callie Torres, Olivia Benson, Rachel Stevens

63. five songs that would play in your club?

She’s a Rainbow, Free To Be You and Me, Defying Gravity, Goodbye Earl, Queen of the Silver Dollar.  My club would not be very cool.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkinz

65. any permanent scars?

I cut the side of my thumb off with a pair of scissors once.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Zinnias, Passion flowers, sunflowers

67. good luck charms?

I don’t know that I have any?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

GRAPE

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

I am so bad at thinking up answers on the spot. I’m sorry I suck at this.

70. left or right handed?

Right handed

71. least favorite pattern?

Any sort of animal pattern

72. worst subject?

Science

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Peanut butter and chocolate on ritz crackers

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Depends on the type of pain. Headaches- I usually take it pretty soon, but for other things, I tend to wait.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I would assume kindergarten or first grade?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Flowers

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

I no longer have a school ID, but that definitely looked better

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Fireflies sounds so much better, but I say lightning bugs

82. pc or console?

Console

83. writing or drawing?

Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Fairy tales

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

I’m going to be single and alone for my entire life 

88. your greatest wish?

To fall in love

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My sister

90. luckiest mistake?

I don’t know

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Fairy lights

93. nicknames?

Kat, Kate, Backpack

94. favorite season?

Winter

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr

96. desktop background?

It’s a sunflower drawing

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Maybe 15-20?

98. favorite historical era?

I don’t know

[rgr-pop]

I need an ENTIRE afternoon wall of noise. 4/3 music library on shuffle until I hit a killdozer song.

the thermals - “god and country” reset - "double cross" nirvana - "polly" (1986-88 home recording) nirvana - "radio friendly unit shifter" (2013 mix) peterbuilt - "sateliteyes" the dickies - "got it at the store" apocalypse hoboken - "box of pills" fiona apple - "slow like honey" tex & the horseheads - "big boss man" everclear - "the drama king" anti-flag - "america got it right" neil young - "tonight's the night, pt. ii" everclear - "brown-eyed girl" noooooooooo oh my god no please millencolin - “israelites" listen you know that i'm p tolerant when it comes to this subject but why specifically did you boys do this. specifically you useless id - "note" never accuse me of pop punk nationalism again! that's three of global pop punk the selecter - "selling out your future" built to spill - "some things last a long time" holidays - "proof" let's wrestle - "bad mammaries" radhos - "one breath" ween - "boing" bracket - "g-vibe" local h - "'cha!' said the kitty" sublime - "40oz to freedom" failure - "saturday saviour" blink-182 - "don't leave me" (tmtts live take) why did they make this live album, they were so bad live shrimp boat - "melon song" interpol - "not even jail" the ataris - "angry nerd rock" 50 million - "superhero" skankin pickle - "violent love" the breeders - "put on a side" all - "honey peeps" the commandos (suicide commandos) - "weekend warrior" suicide machines - "friends are hard to find" the eclectics - "laura" good ska block! love this band pansy division - "jack u off" rocket from the tombs - "ain't it fun" dynamite boy - "devoted" young pioneers - "downtown tragedy" the breeders - "so sad about us" fenix tx - "jean claude trans am" fuck i love this song nofx - "bob" hickey - "happily ever after" bob dylan - "tangled up in blue" (bootlegs vol. 2) gas huffer - "king of hubcaps" tullycraft - "crush this town" atom and his package - "goalie" faith no more - "the real thing" carly rae jepsen - "tell me" bis - "listen up" one direction - "still the one" mtx - "she's no rocket scientist" eugene chadbourne - "roger miller medley" grouvie ghoulies - "carly simon" white town - "thursday at the blue note" gas huffer - "moon mission" rx bandits - "sleepy tyme" everclear - "rocket for the girl" failure - "kindred" blood on the saddle - "johnny's at the fair" the distillers - "red carpet and rebellion" cruiserweight - "dearest drew" stp - "plush" everclear - "wonderful" (live, from the closure ep) (don't hate it) new found glory - "sonny" everclear - "otis redding" (impure white evil demo) (BEST song) stp - "adhesive" incubus - "have you ever" cub - "tell me now" everclear - "short blonde hair" i simply do not hate it letters to cleo - "happy ever after" amazing transparent man - “the ocean is a fuck of a long way to swim” nerf herder - “(stand by your) manatee” kitty kitty - “ab tokeless” osker - “the mistakes you made” perfume genius - “hood” radhos - “shut up & deal” (welcome to the jungle take) osker - “the body”  gas huffer - “the sin of sloth” the fall - “bombast” excuse 17 - “code red” mad season - “lifeless dead” unwritten law - “differences” hanson - “two tears” the eyeliners - “anywhere but here” moby grape - “lazy me” brian wilson - “wonderful” 88 fingers louie - “something i don’t know” sicko - “wisdom tooth weekend” the replacements - “love you till friday” suicide machines - “green world” midtown - “another boy” hickey - “cool kids attacked by flying monkeys” the roman invasion suite - “carnations” the beat - “tears of a clown” local h - “24 hour break up session” okay i’m awake i want to end this now toots & the maytals - “funky kingston” local h - “strict-9″ his name is alive - “her eyes were huge things” nirvana - “frances farmer will have her revenge on seattle” slapstick - “almost punk enough” urge overkill - “bionic revolution” janet jackson - “you want this” piebald - “long nights” small brown bike - “now i’m a shadow” the story so far - “left unsaid” crj - “more than a memory” tracy + the plastics - “my friends end parties” liz phair - “6′1″“ fastbacks - “555, pt. 1″ this mix is feminist now swindle - “one track” shockabilly - “burma shave” temple of the dog - “say hello to heaven” amazing transparent man - “shove” cool soul asylum cover from dekalb illinois :)) the vindictives “eating me alive” midwests only!! the judys - “radiation squirm” gulfs only!! frogpond - “sleep” flipp - “rock-n-roll star” throwing muses - “red shoes” everclear - “santa monica” throwing muses on summerland??? mekons - “atone & forsaken” holidays - “take me home country roads” this is a good tone to lead up to killdozer... true believers - “all mixed up again” prince - “adore” beulah - “queen of the populists” eveclear - “rocky mountain high” (99x live acoustic--I don’t have a date for this actually) of montreal - “dustin hoffman thinks about eating the soap” heatmiser - “stray” rickie lee jones - “woody and dutch on the slow train to peking” tar - “viaduct removal” common rider - “carry on” the frogs - “u bastards” mudhoney - “this gift” hammerbox - “outside” fuck my mom would have loved this song if it had gotten the airplay it deserved in 1993... hammerbox on summerland!!!! letters to cleo - “little rosa” kay hanley on summerland!! nine pound hammer “wrongside of the road” hanson - “with you in your dreams” (3cg demo) hamson on summerland!!! fastbacks - “555, pt. 1″ again... fastbacks on summerland!!! face to face - “sensible” soul asylum - “happy” soul asylum on summerland!!!! television - “see no evil” pinq - “careful not to mention the obvious” the dickies - “nights in white satin” tar - “mel’s” truly - “chlorine” babes in toyland - “deep song” hole - “berry” hellbender - “half driven” hammerhead  - “new york? ...alone?” everclear - “malevolent” guzzard - “last”  archers of loaf - “tatyana” hum - “stars” hum on summerland die kreuzen - “don’t say please” this is not fair joanna newsom - “sadie” down by law - “peace, love and understanding” nirvana - “aneurysm” (1990 demo) hovercraft - “endoradiosonde” modest mouse - “cowboy dan” rage against the machine - “born of a broken man” skatalites - “scandal ska” pylon - “driving school” the vindictives - “babysitter” jimmy eat world - “ten” the get up kids - “lowercase west thomas” oh we’re doing this now? hot rod circuit - “knees” fine triple fast action - “the rescue” FINE  full disclosure i do skip emo diaries tracks at my discretion the amps - “bragging party” everclear - “am radio” this is not fair mxpx - “middlename” MXPX ON SUMMERLAND chokebore - “your let down” bob dylan - “you’re a big girl now” helmet - “primitive” pond - “filterless” blink-182 - “all the small things” local h - “ralph” tar - “over and out” pearl jam - “black” the gits - “sniveling little rat faced git” local h - “eddie vedder” >:) tar - “flow plow” i always misremember this as a subpop single so i’m like “i’m not amphetamine reptile biased?” but it was an a/r release, lol. brad wood produced it. lake michigan as hell  unicorns - “jellybones” this song makes me sad ever since i didn’t get to adopt the jellybones cat oblivion - “clark” desmond dekker - “jeserene” veruca salt - “one last time” veruca salt on summerland!!!! dead moon - “dead moon night” extremely dead moon on summerland fishbone - “i like to hide behind my glasses” dead moon - “on my own” paw - “sleeping bag” tar - “goethe” doc dart - “casket with flowers” smashing pumpkins - “zero” i don’t want billy corgan on summerland and i am sorry for that kicking giant - “&” kicking giant on summerland lmao shockabilly - “pile up all architecture” ween - “sorry charlie” sublime - “april 29, 1992 (miami)” heatmiser - “blackout” the clash - “pressure drop” hellbender - “pissant’s retrospective” the queers - “i won’t be” the vindictives - “circles” the beat farmers - “selfish heart” screaming trees - “end of the universe” 7 year bitch - “second hand” bourgeois filth - “above” nirvana - “scoff” the breeders - “cannonball” saturday looks good to me - “save my life” cara beth satalino - “good ones” communique - “dagger version” soul asylum - “sometime to return” sublime - “jailhouse” tullycraft - “twee” nuns - “wild” beyonce - “countdown” the replacements - “sixteen blue” living colour - “what’s your favorite color” britney - “why should i be sad” mdc - “church and state” alice in chains - “junkhead” rage against the machine - “mic check” everclear - “nervous and weird” soundgarden - “fresh tendrils” helmet - “army of me” the gits - “it all dies anyway” pansy division - “smells like queer spirit” mtx - “i’d do anything for you” 5 year sentence - “just a punk” pennywise - “nothing” mudhoney - “thirteenth floor opening” yesterday’s kids - “eighteen” mxpx - “punk rawk show” small brown bike - “zerosum” incubus - “trouble in 421″ hanson - “speechless” incubus - “circles” dead moon - “my time has come” (!!!!) first of all is this killdozer blink-182 - “here’s your letter” everclear - “electra made me blind” (nervous & weird take) saves the day - “through being cool” groovie ghoulies - “don’t go out into the rain (you’re gonna melt)” babes in toyland - “never” husker du - “target” guzzard - “biro” fairweather - “next day flight” mcr - “house of wolves” broadcast - “until then” liz phair - “never said” the dicks - “rich daddy” quasi - “the iron worm” mustard plug - “not again” janitor joe - “boyfriend” snapcase - “new academy” neil young - “someday” blindsided - “spaceman” placebo - “without you i’m nothing” the creeps - “lakeside cabin” solomon grundy - “time is not your own” the clash - “the card cheat” silversun pickups - “common reactor” lagwagon - “leave the light on” denali - “where i landed” system of a down - “highway song” sprinkler - “personality doll” the vindictives - “structure and function” unplugged” the queers - “ursula finally has tits” we’re entering no repeats territory  buffalo springfield - “expecting to fly” hit squad - “pictures of matchstick men” cows - “almost a god” hop along - “young and happy” pixies - “i’ve been tired” the fall - “spoilt victorian child” camper van chadbourne - “knock on the door” queens of the stone age - “tension head” choking victim - “war story” cool that we have gotten to drop by the greatest song ever recorded :) guttermount - “happy loving couples” audio karate - “nintendo 89″ tad - “pork chop” the kelley deal 6000 - “where did the home team go” colorfinger - “hateful” :} man or astroman - “evil plans of planet spectra” pere ubu - “arabian nights” accepting repeats for  new found glory - “my friends over you” cool moving on american steel - “optimist” tom petty & the heartbreakers - “even the losers” meat puppets - “another moon” black cat music - “wine in a box” wallside - “ready” crucifucks - “pig in a blanket” the bananas - “my charmed life”

KILLDOZER - “EARL SCHEIB,” UNCOMPROMISING WAR ON ART UNDER THE DICTATORSHIP OF THE PROLETARIAT, 1994. KILLDOZER ON SUMMERLAND

[zrtranscripts]

Radio Abel, Season Six

Part 5 of 6

Parts 5 and 6 take place after S6M24, “Mother’s Little Helper”

JODY MARSH: All right, I think I've got it. Glastonbury. That's what I'd do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Glastonbury Festival! Oh, that's good.

ZOE CRICK: Hm, I suppose. If you like music.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We run a radio show.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but what about the whole washing under a tap, pooing in a box and sleeping in mud thing? Don't you think we get enough of that sort of thing post-apocalypse?

JODY MARSH: Yeah, but I mean, it's totally different when you know it's a choice, isn't it? It's like the difference between going on a detox and not having enough to eat. Not that I'd go on a detox obviously, because it's ridiculous.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I guess. Personally, I'd spend my day sipping champagne cocktails in the Maldives.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sipping cocktails in the Maldives with Amelia, you mean.

ZOE CRICK: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm sorry. I know, I promised not to talk about it. But you know that's not a promise I was ever going to keep.

JODY MARSH: Yeah, come on, Zo. You are basically dating my mortal enemy. You can't expect us not to mention it.

ZOE CRICK: I'm not dating her.

JODY MARSH: So it's just sex? I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

ZOE CRICK: It's... I don't know what it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A [?] inexplicable mistake?

ZOE CRICK: Like Jody's decision to spend her one pre-apocalypse day at Glastonbury.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You're changing the subject.

ZOE CRICK: Yes. Yes, I am. To the fact I'd like to spend my day sipping cocktails on a beach and Jody would very weirdly like to spend it at Glastonbury.

JODY MARSH: In a way, we're talking about the same thing, though.

ZOE CRICK: You've got a very strange idea of what Glastonbury was like. I went every year. It was less sipping champagne cocktails on a sun-kissed beach and more necking cider in a rubbish-strewn field.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You make it sound so glamorous! All right, citizens. More of your questions for Jody Marsh right after this.

JODY MARSH: No, but see, I never went to Glastonbury.

ZOE CRICK: Clearly.

JODY MARSH: I always meant to, but I just never got around to it. And now I never will.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, you might. Things are getting better, aren't they? I mean, apart from the whole Sigrid running half the country thing. There might be a Glastonbury Festival again one day.

JODY MARSH: But it wouldn't be the same.

ZOE CRICK: True. Three quarters of the acts would be zombies. Although to be fair, zombie Coldplay might be an improvement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And zombie Morrissey would probably be a lot more cheerful.

JODY MARSH: But it's not about the bands! It's about the people. Glastonbury used to be so carefree.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, as long as you didn't care about where you'd be weeing.

JODY MARSH: What I'm saying is, if they held Glastonbury now, it would be full of people who'd lived through the apocalypse. I'd like to spend just one day in a crowd full of people who didn't know the end of the world was coming. I'd like to remember what that felt like.

ZOE CRICK: So, quick-fire questions: favorite color?

JODY MARSH: Bangladesh green.

ZOE CRICK: Weirdly specific, but okay.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs or cats?

JODY MARSH: Dogs.

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear. Well, there goes our friendship.

JODY MARSH: Don't get me wrong. I like cats, but dogs are just better.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you're just digging that hole deeper.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs are better. They're actually, you know, loyal.

ZOE CRICK: Et tu, Cheeseman?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is a good one. If you wrote your autobiography, what would the title be?

JODY MARSH: Oh, that's hard. Can I have a think about that one?

ZOE CRICK: Yes. And while you're at it, why don't you have a long hard think about your wrongness on the subject of cats?

ZOE CRICK: Okay, here's another tough one for you, Jody.

JODY MARSH: Go for it.

ZOE CRICK: A listener from Walthamstow Commune wants to know, "How can you expect us to side with you when Sigrid can give us the cure and you can't?"

JODY MARSH: That's easy. We don't expect you to. It's not an easy decision to make, and if you've got a loved one who's been bitten, of course you'll go to whoever can help them. That's only human nature, and we won't judge you for that.

ZOE CRICK: Um... is that it? Don't we sort of want people not to go over to Sigrid just because she's got the cure?

JODY MARSH: Of course. And we're working as hard as we can on a cure of our own. But I'm not going tell people what they should do. I'm not going to judge them for making hard choices. That's the way Sigrid behaves. Just remember, like I said, Sigrid doesn't give anything for free, and the price of getting the cure from her may be much, much higher than you realize.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Also, if you go over to Sigrid, she'll probably make you stop listening to our show. So um, there's-there's that to consider.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Not sure that's quite the threat you think it is. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

JODY MARSH: Actually, you do get points for trying.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: For trying what?

JODY MARSH: No, that would be the title of my autobiography.

ZOE CRICK: Hm, I like that. Not sure it's true, but I like it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who's giving out the points, though?

JODY MARSH: Well... me, I suppose. Or whatever that little voice is inside me that's always got an opinion on what I've been up to.

ZOE CRICK: I hate that voice. It's so judgey.

JODY MARSH: Yeah. Well, it used to be, but it's been getting better. I mean, I used to think if I didn't get what I was after, that was it. I was a failure. But these days, we've failed on a pretty global scale. We could just sit back and go well, right? That's us finished.

Or we could keep trying. And we might not get anywhere, but while I'm breathing, I'm going to keep trying. That's what Abel's all about, really. Looking at the way things are and going, okay, that's a bit rubbish, but maybe I can make it better, even if it's only a tiny bit.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's really lovely.

ZOE CRICK: And that's all we've got time for from Jody Marsh, former Commander in Chief of Abel Township. Thanks for your time, Jody.

JODY MARSH: My pleasure. And here's one last song from me. I always used to listen to it when I needed that extra bit of motivation.

BERNARD PRIOR: So, exciting news, worthy listeners. Coming up, old Bernard will be reviewing another jolly old motion picture. And I have invited none other than our glorious leader, Amelia Spens, to join me and give us her verdict. No doubt she will have her own opinions to impart, and they will be fascinating! Stay tuned, friends. Don't touch that dial!

BERNARD PRIOR: Greetings, everyone! The time is now! Welcome one and all to edition two of Bernard's Movie Thingummy Whatsit!

AMELIA SPENS: What? Is that the catchy name you've come up with for this? "Bernard's Movie Thingummy Whatsit"?

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes. Don't like it?

AMELIA SPENS: [sighs] Give me strength. Play another song. We're going to do that again.

AMELIA SPENS: Hello, and welcome to The Guide, your one-stop shop for all the best entertainment in Fort Canton. Today, Bernard and I will be reviewing another of the movies that you can rent for a modest fee from our sponsor, Fort Canton General Stores, where you can also pick up a range of groceries, homewares, and personal products, including soap. Bernard?

BERNARD PRIOR: What?

AMELIA SPENS: Uh, introduce the movie.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh. I see. Sorry. I think I was in a mild state of shock for a second. [clears throat] Fair listeners, stay tuned please for our review of that great classic, Casablanca!

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah yes, Casablanca. What a story! Sweeping romance, tear-jerking sacrifice for the greater good. I confess, listeners, I did shed a single tear when the perfect soulmates, Rick and Ilsa, bravely put the war effort before their own happiness. They'll always have Paris! Oh, goodness me. I'm still a little choked up.

AMELIA SPENS: Yeah, I didn't get that bit.

BERNARD PRIOR: What do you mean?

AMELIA SPENS: I don't get why, if Ilsa liked Rick so much, why didn't she stay with him? Or failing that, go back to the bar. A much better option. The bar looked quite fun.

BERNARD PRIOR: Because she'd regret it! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow -

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, so Rick told her. Probably he just wants her to go so that he can go back to the bar and hang out with his real friends.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, you wouldn't understand romance, Millie. There was a war on!

AMELIA SPENS: Okay, no need to get precious. I expect you saw this when it first came out.

BERNARD PRIOR: The cheek, Millie

AMELIA SPENS: Tell me more about the war, grandad.

BERNARD PRIOR: You are trying my patience, now.

AMELIA SPENS: You love it.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, shush.

BERNARD PRIOR: So, we almost forgot, there. Casablanca: five stars! Run, don't walk, to Fort Canton General Stores to put your name down on the list to borrow the VHS tape.

ZOE CRICK: Sorry, listeners. Just me, tonight. Phil's off on a date. Yes, you heard that right. An actual date with an actual living human. [laughs] Well, that's what he told me, anyway. It's possible he was lying. Hopefully he's not going to mess it up.

I gave him a bottle of very nice wine I've been saving for a rainy day, and Jamie, I mean King Jamie, offered to cook them fish curry. It's not every date that gets catered by the King of England. Though don't tell Jamie I said this, but he really needs to go a bit easier on the coconut cream.

Anyway, conditions are favorable. Obviously, Phil will find a way to mess it up because this is Phil we're talking about. But he's going to have to get creative about it. Phil and Raisa, if you're listening, this one's for you.

BERNARD PRIOR: Okay. Okay. [beatboxes and raps] And Bernie was a radio host. He was bestest, he was the most. He had the listeners begging for more. He wasn't actually born until after the Second World War. Oh yeah! [regular speaking voice] See? I'm a man of many surprises. That was for you, Margot. Life will find a way!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! We've got a packed program lined up for you today. It's the first episode of our new cookery show, Recipes on the Run. There's the latest news reports coming from around the country. And yes, the moment has finally come – we'll be announcing the winner of the vote on our new name. Can't wait!

ZOE CRICK: Is that it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes. No! We'll also be telling you all about Late Night Review with Phil and Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] That's not what I'm talking about. I don't care about any of that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Any of that" is literally our job.

ZOE CRICK: I'm talking about last night.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about last night?

ZOE CRICK: Oh my God, you're doing it deliberately, aren't you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, I've got no idea what you're talking about. Don't go away, citizens! We'll be sharing our best post-apocalyptic recipes right after this.

ZOE CRICK: But I - [sighs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Quite an appropriate song there, because our very first recipe on the run is baked beans à la mode -

ZOE CRICK: No. No, absolutely not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that definitely is our first recipe. Look, Sam wrote it out by hand. I wish he did his J's clearer. I can't tell if that's supposed to be jam or ham.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] If Sam's been eating ham roly-poly for dessert, we need to have words. But it doesn't matter, because food's definitely not what we're talking about right now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It literally is.

ZOE CRICK: Well, we're stopping and talking about your date instead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, we're not, unless you want to talk about your date with Amelia. Your date with Amelia Spens, the most awful woman in Britain.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, me and Amelia's old news. [laughs] Our listeners are much more interested in you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, they're not.

ZOE CRICK: They definitely are. Anyway, did you or did you not promise to fill me in on all the gory details?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I definitely didn't.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, but when you said, "Don't be ridiculous, it's none of your bloody business," I took that to mean, "I will spill the beans, I'll just need a little cajoling."

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why am I friends with you, again?

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

ZOE CRICK: But I promised our listeners you'd tell them all about your date.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know, I heard.

ZOE CRICK: You're listening to the radio during your romantic dinner?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm not answering that.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. Fine. But are you going to be seeing her again?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: Right. It was a disaster. What did you do? Spend all evening telling her about why you think the Brady Bunch and the X-Files are in the same fictional universe?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, although they clearly are. It was fine! There's just no...

ZOE CRICK: Spark?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actual date.

ZOE CRICK: What? She stood you up?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. I mean, yes. But no. Her ex decided she wanted to get back together with her. Which I totally understand. So I said of course she could cancel the date, and I gave her that nice bottle of wine to celebrate.

ZOE CRICK: All right. You obviously can't be trusted to organize your own dates. Next one I'm running for you, in person if necessary.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're literally the last one who should be giving anyone else dating advice. Your idea of an appropriate person to date is Amelia bloody Spens, who is, in case I haven't mentioned it before, the worst human being in the world.

ZOE CRICK: Be fair. Amelia's not as bad as Sigrid.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not as bad as Sigrid isn't the benchmark anyone should be using for dating!

[ZOE CRICK sighs]

ZOE CRICK: It's just... not all of us can have the big romance like you, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I haven't got a big romance. In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally failing to have a big romance.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but you will. You're just that kind of person. I'm not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don't be silly.

ZOE CRICK: No, I'm really not. I'm too cynical. I'm always second-guessing myself. Do I really like them? Am I just flattered that they like me? What horrible secret are they hiding that I'll only find out about when I'm in too deep? That's what's great about Amelia. I'm not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm already intimately familiar with the other shoe in all its horrible detail, so it can't come as a nasty surprise.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But that's a terrible reason to date someone!

ZOE CRICK: Also, the sex is amazing. Amelia's surprisingly giving in bed for a person who's so entirely selfish.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Stop telling me things like that.

ZOE CRICK: You asked.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I take it back. I don't want to know.

ZOE CRICK: That's what I thought. [laughs] So no more questions about Amelia?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Never asking anything about her ever again.

ZOE CRICK: My work here is done.

BERNARD PRIOR: So, those travel papers they had in Casablanca...

AMELIA SPENS: I've told you, B, it was a movie.

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes, I do know that. But travel papers do exist.

AMELIA SPENS: Is this Chalk Valley again?

BERNARD PRIOR: And if it was?

AMELIA SPENS: It would be very difficult.

BERNARD PRIOR: But not impossible?

AMELIA SPENS: ... not impossible, no.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens. Finally, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.

ZOE CRICK: The end of the zombie plague and the restoration of civilization as we know it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The new name for our radio show!

ZOE CRICK: Hm, that would have been my second guess.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The votes are in, they've all been counted, and there's a very clear winner. So without further ado, here's a rundown of the top five. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: A new entry at number five -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They're all new entries.

ZOE CRICK: Cute and concise, it's Radio Dork. I'm going to assume you're talking about Phil there and not me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: At number four, an old favorite, we've got Radio Cabel!

ZOE CRICK: Number three, it's Radio Treachery. And Phil and I would both like to thank you for keeping it clean on the insult front. It's appreciated.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: At number two, turns out Zoe was almost right. It's Radio Station McRadiostationface!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And for the new name of the Station Formerly Known As Free Abel, stay tuned. We'll be announcing the winner right after this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So... should we tell them?

ZOE CRICK: No. I think we should keep them in suspense a bit longer.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, but that's really irritating.

ZOE CRICK: And yet people like it. People are odd that way.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They've been waiting a long time for this.

ZOE CRICK: They can wait a bit longer.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's Radio New Hope!

ZOE CRICK: What happened to keeping them in suspense?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry! I was just excited! It's a really good name.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, it actually is. [laughs] Both uplifting and geeky, which seems appropriate.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Although I think it might actually have just been Sam voting a million times.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] It's true. The person who first suggested that name on Rofflenet was CurlyWurlyLover.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Doesn't matter. It's a great name. So hello, citizens. And welcome to Radio New Hope.

BERNARD PRIOR: And ahoy-hoy, sweet listeners! It's Bernie Prior! Don't touch that dial, don't click that mouse. Do not, whatever you jolly well do, do not swipe left, because this is Fort Canton Today, the show with all you need and more! So that includes things you don't need. Sorry about that. Plus me, your most humble servant and host, Bernard Prior. Oh yes. Jolly what. Are you ready for a Bernie bonanza? A Bernie beanfeast? A Bernie-ucopia? Perhaps that was a bit too far, listeners. Please accept my humblest apologies for any distress caused by my raucous wordplay. Sometimes I simply don't know my own strength.

BERNARD PRIOR: Now listeners, what a jolly tune. And as that fades out, I have a rather personal letter about a rather personal topic. How rum. I suppose you want to get up close and personal with me and feel the Bern! What what? [laughs] Oh heavens, what has gotten into old B? But listeners, enough revelry. The letter.

"Dear Bernard, could you tell us more about your first love, Margot? How did you meet? Why did you break up?" What a question. You're asking about one of the most tragic and bittersweet love stories of our time. Let me try and recall.

BERNARD PRIOR: Exciting news for those of you who tune into this show for our thrilling entertainment guide! Keeper of the keys, Miss Spens, has informed me that there will be more film reviews coming up, whether I like it or not, to quote her verbatim. So if that's your thing – and who am I to judge? - you are rather lucky! Your wish is my command.

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah yes, where was I? The old gray matter does wander from time to time.

I met sweet, fair Margot at university. The same university where young Bernard was to learn much of the gripping political science that has been judged too hot for broadcast by our glorious censor. Margot was, in the vernacular, my best friend's girl. So I was, naturally, far too chivalrous to make a move. I loved her from afar, like a courtly knight of old, chaste and pure in my affections. Perhaps she guessed, perhaps she did not. It was not for me to make my feelings clear.

After university, my friend and I drifted apart, and though I was invited to their wedding, my heart was shattered to smithereens at the thought and I stayed away. Truly, I never thought we'd cross paths again. But I also didn't expect a bally load of zombies to start munching on all and sundry either, so... expect the unexpected should perhaps be Bernard's new motto. And now a tune.

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, talking of expecting the unexpected, how are you, my dear Miss Spens?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, fine, fine. Well, not fine. Not at all fine! I don't like to complain, but you would not believe what people will complain about.

BERNARD PRIOR: I probably wouldn't.

AMELIA SPENS: Jigsaw shortage. I ask you, peoples' ability to waste my time trying to waste their own time. It's a picture of a sunset, for example. You can spend all afternoon assembling it, or you can spend that same time doing nothing whatsoever, and then see pretty much the same thing, and have achieved the same amount, i.e., nothing!

BERNARD PRIOR: People like a sense of accomplishment.

AMELIA SPENS: I have raiding parties they can join for that. I ask you, if they riot over this... wait, is this thing on? If you riot over this -

[glass shatters, crowd shouts]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Perhaps a tune! A calming tune. How about this, honorable listeners? Sit back, relax. Pop the kettle on, or whatever you're using for a kettle, and try not to think about the rioters outside. And if you are rioting yourself, do keep hydrated!

BERNARD PRIOR: They're getting close. I believe I hear the distant sound of folk crying on the wind, "We want jigsaws!" Could they have discovered your whereabouts? You have been broadcasting it, quite literally.

AMELIA SPENS: I don't care. They are idiots.

BERNARD PRIOR: Perhaps, but they are rather voracious idiots. The demands are quite simple. I read a placard. Could we not consider manufacturing some jigsaws? I mean, we have the capabilities these days, surely.

AMELIA SPENS: No! How could you even suggest such a thing? I need my carpenters for actually making actual things, not cutting actual things into small pieces so other people can reassemble them for a misguided sense of achievement! No, Bernie, I will never give in to this.

BERNARD PRIOR: Sorry, listeners. While your host takes prudent cover under the shelter of this table, do listen to... this.

BERNARD PRIOR: So hang on a moment, Millie. You're not just hiding out in here? You actually want to talk about the film we watched?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. The fact this studio has no windows and is reasonably secure is just a coincidence. To work, Bernie.

BERNARD PRIOR: I see. I suppose we can just gloss over the way your presence here endangers me. [clears throat] Delicate listeners, honest travelers. Coming up, Amelia Spens and I will be, I dearly hope, calm and contained enough to furnish you with our personal musings on the delightful motion picture Legally Blonde right after this.

BERNARD PRIOR: And we're just going ahead, despite all that? Okay, fine. Fine. Never mind professional standards, never mind them. What ho.

Ahoy-hoy. Oh, dear listeners, the visual treat that was Legally Blonde. What a story! A noble hero against the odds. A fight for love or glory. There's even a dog. I do love a plucky hound. Listeners, I am beaming as I think of it. Amelia, I don't suppose you agree.

AMELIA SPENS: I do, actually.

BERNARD PRIOR: You do? You like Legally Blonde? A story where a good-hearted ingénue wins through?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. She's a hero of mine, actually. A heroine. I have on occasion modeled myself on her.

BERNARD PRIOR: Elle Woods? Really? But she's so... nice.

AMELIA SPENS: I've got nothing against being nice, Bernie. Sometimes being nice is an excellent plan when it suits one's needs. You catch more flies with honey, B. Oh! [laughs] Honey bee. Anyway, being nice, when combined of course with being smart, is very effective, as in the compelling case presented in Legally Blonde.

BERNARD PRIOR: Jolly good. Well, I suppose wonders truly do never cease.

AMELIA SPENS: You could say that. So off you pop, listeners, and reserve your copy at Fort Canton General Stores! As soon as it is safe to leave your dwellings.

AMELIA SPENS: I've had a message to say it's safe for me to leave the studio. Jigsaw riots are over.

BERNARD PRIOR: Really? But you didn't do anything. Surely a riot like that didn't just burn out.

AMELIA SPENS: Didn't have to do anything. It seems the riot destroyed most of Fort Canton General Stores' ceramics overflow storage next door to the studio. The jigsaw enthusiasts are now happily piecing everything back together!

BERNARD PRIOR: Really? Miss Spens, you sheltered here and encouraged a riot to pursue you so that in their destructive rage, they'd create their own puzzles?

AMELIA SPENS: Well, we did have a surplus of novelty mugs no one was using. Win-win-win. Now, isn't it time you played a record? Entertain your listeners, Bern! They don't need this waffle.

ZOE CRICK: I always think of that one as the zombie anthem.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I know what you mean.

ZOE CRICK: You ever wonder what it would be like as a zom?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not really.

ZOE CRICK: I do. It's just... don't you sometimes think how much easier it would be if you were a zombie?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not.

ZOE CRICK: Really? I think about that a lot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But... the whole point of being alive right now is trying not to be a zombie. It's every single person in the world's current life goal.

ZOE CRICK: Well, yes. We all try not to be zombies, but that's just peer pressure, isn't it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: You're weird.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm weird? [sighs] I tell you what, let's ask a few people around Abel what they think, see who's out of step with mainstream opinion. Back in a moment, citizens.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, so maybe most people don't want to be zombies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Literally no one except you wants to be a zombie.

ZOE CRICK: It's not that I want to, it's just I think it would be very peaceful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, being brain-dead?

ZOE CRICK: Yes. Not having to worry about anything, not having to answer to anyone. All you need to do is shamble around groaning. It's a very undemanding job.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There is the whole killing people thing.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, but on the plus side, you never need to worry about where your next meal's coming from.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I can't believe you just said that.

ZOE CRICK: It's true, isn't it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I suppose. Except zombies don't worry about food. They don't worry about anything... I don't think.

ZOE CRICK: Thinking's overrated. It always gets me into trouble.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought it was not thinking that did that. Like that time you picked up a stray cat without thinking because it looked sad, and then it gave you ringworm. And then you gave me ringworm.

ZOE CRICK: And then you didn't speak to me for a week. See? Ringworm's another thing zombies don't have to worry about.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. This conversation's over.

ZOE CRICK: Why?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because you're freaking me out. We'll be talking about something less disturbing than Zoe's brain right after this.

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, listeners, I have to apologize. Your usual fun-loving host is rather lackluster today. But I do have a letter to share with you, the contents of which are in part responsible for my delicate state. [clears throat]

"Dearest Bernard, I do wish you had told me back then that you loved me. I never loved John. I just felt like marriage to someone like him was what was expected of me. I hoped you'd come to the wedding. I even – and I know this is ridiculous, but in some crazy dream – imagined that maybe you would rush in and stop proceedings. But it didn't happen, and now, sadly, I am stuck behind the Chalk Valley barricades. I've tried to reason with the governing council, but apparently, no one can leave without papers. Yours always, Margot.

[anbu-legacy]

Character and Writer Asks: Round Two, Now with 100% More Writer Asks

Back at the beginning of 2017 we opened the Ask Box for a week, for Round Two of Character Asks . Shamefully, there are one or two we still haven’t answered, but it’s more than time we put up this Index to the asks we did answer. The New Year is coming, and we’re not making any promises, but maybe start thinking about any new questions you might like to ask the characters or writers? Reading the questions from Round One and the ones here might be a good place to start.

<3 Nezu

Team 6+

Hey team 6, what do you think you'll be doing 10 years from now? Would you still be in ANBU, retired, jounin sensei, most popular underwear model in the country, dead?

For team 6: how much would you give up for Konoha? Is there anything you would not give, and if so, what is it?

For Team 6, Ginta, Kurenai and if anyone else feels like it: What's your favorite jutsu to use? And what's the jutsu you most often?

Team 6, what would you say your specialties are? (Things like taijutsu, weapons, assassination, etc.)

When did each of Team Six first discover their specialties? (Ryouma's has been given slightly, with Iwa.) What did they initially think of them? (I'm thinking Genma's gradual was a conflicting feel-set…

Any ninja who wants - if you could learn any jutsu in the world, which would it be?

Team 6! What's one thing you've always wanted but never quite been able to achieve?

This is a two-part question for the characters: If you weren't a ninja, what job would you have? And if you're injured in such a way that you couldn't continue field missions, would you continue to serve your village as an Academy sensei/Intel agent/medic/etc, or would you retire and pursue your own interests?

For Team Six: what's something comforting you like to do after a bad day?

Everyone: what's the most trivial thing you've used chakra for?

What is the most annoying mission you've been on? (the millionth time you had to catch the cat, that one time you did three weeks of surveillance in a swamp, etc)?

Anyone who wants to answer: The perfect meal? Like a fantasy meal. As much or as little of anything you would like.

Raidou mentioning his culinary prowess has me curious now: how good are our boys at cooking?

I think Team 6 could use a vacation after the missions you've had. So, what would be each of your idea vacations? Assume cost and distance are not issues.

oh. favorite drinkss for the teaam (and writers if they want)! alcohol related mostly but since kakashi isnt that fun he can do a non alcholoic one

Happy New Year! Do our Team 6 boys have any new years resolutions?

Question: does anyone in Team 6 (other than Kakashi) have any experience with babies, and to what extent are they mentally prepared to swim with a baby through shark-infested waters?

For Ryouma, have you asked Kakashi what was in his letter from Katsuko? Did your drawing a place of pride on your wall? All, did you consider writing her a letter to stay in touch?

Okay, fantasy wish fulfillment time. You (hypothetically) have blanket permission to eliminate Kuroda in any way you see fit. Team Six, go!

What do you dislike about each other?

Team 6: What would be each character's theme music, if you had to pick one song?

Everyone in Legacy-verse who wants to answer: what are your feelings on pillow forts and team cuddle parties? (No fraternization, just cuddling)

For team 6: how many goats/livestock do you think your teammates are worth?

Team 6, what do you find physically attractive about each other?

Members of Team 6 who are into this kind of thing: what do you look for in a romantic/sexual partner?

Team Six: please place yourselves in order of how big your dicks are when they're hard, from smallest to largest *RUNS AWAY*

Question to team six members + and maybe Ginta? : (assuming characters know the writers) what do you think of legacy writers?

Genma and Raidou

For Team 6, but mostly Raidou & Genma: Logically, being the captain and lieutenant of an ANBU team is a great honor and responsibility. But with the combination of having two rookies (those two being Still-Learning-Boundaries-san and Antisocial-san) and previously having Katsuko, do you ever feel like you're babysitting? What are some challenges (or amusing moments) that you've faced as team leaders?

Raidou, Genma, I would be interested in your professional and personal opinions on your team as you have been together quite a while now

Raidou

Radiou: did you ever have a chance to see Hisa before she left Konoha?

Writer question: so now that Raidou has taken genjutsu classes, is that going to come up again as a plot point? And is he good enough now at genjutsu to be a full jounin?

Genma

Genma, what seals do you specialize in?

Does Genma still run eros-type missions in this universe? If so, will we be seeing any of that?

Did Genma and Asuma manage to find an apartment yet? Was there a house-warming party?

Hajime, did you ever talk (*cough*gossip) with Genma about his new team? Did you have some advice besides continue being the absolutely awesome person/ lieutenant Genma is anyway? Genma did you ever go to Hajime's to complain (whine)?

Will we get to see the Genma's rats??

Kakashi

Kakashi, have your initial impressions of your team changed, now that you've been with them for a while?

Kakashi, what does your team smell like, to you?

What challenges did you face when adjusting to combat with only one eye? I know you have the Sharingan, but it's covered most of the time.

Kakashi, what fuuinjutsu do you know?

"What Do Your Shoes Say About Your Style?; What Kind Of Sexy Are You?; and Are You A Secret Bitch?" -- SO what were Kakashi's results to these questionnaires if you got em

Does Kakashi have any other books/series that he likes besides Icha Icha?

Kakashi, what are you going to do about your dyed hair after the mission [to Kirigakure] (you know, assuming that you survive, which you should)? Will you try to grow it out? Half-brown, half-grey? ...Shave it all off (eyebrows?!)?

Hey, Kakashi, any helpful hints on how to assassinate an asshole ANBU Vice Commander without anyone finding out? Asking for a friend

DK, I would be interested to hear your thoughts on Grey-A Kakashi now that we have reached this point in the story, plus how you think Kakashi understands himself. This is an aspect of Legacy that I've really loved.

Ryouma

Ryouma: are you still planning to get a tiger for your next tattoo? If you are, where are you planning to get it?

Ryouma: backstage passes to a Shuriken Force concert, or free fancy soap for a year. Which would you choose?

Ryouma why DO you like fancy soap so much?

Ryouma, if you could go on a date with any or all of your team, where would you take them?

Ryouma, since you're somewhat of a connoisseur on the subject, what's the best sex you've ever had? (Can also be a top three kind of thing, if just picking one is too hard)

RYOUMA: Please choose three sexual techniques in your arsenal and rank them in order of proficiency. Thank you.

Question for Ryouma: have you ever used your team as spank bank material? Pls provide details thx

Ki, as Ryouma can't really document his research in the same way as other characters, what kind of techniques does he use instead?

Will we ever see Ryouma's group medic classes? The ones "with genin and chuunin"? (Sure to be a bunch of laughter!) Alternatively, Ryouma, how are they like?

Ginta

Ginta, how cool is being a ninja? Spare no detail.

Have Legacy Genma and Ginta ever hooked up?

Hi Ginta, as an objective outsider, is Team 6 actually the hottest ANBU team currently in active service?

GINTA!!!! Welcome to Legacy! Please rank the members of Team 6 in order of fuckability, and on a scale of 1 to 10, how much would you be into a fivesome with ALL of them?

Ginta, assuming you could have your carnal way with each member of Team Six individually (saving the orgy for later), would you prefer to take or be taken? Details please. (NSFW NC17, click at your own risk)

Ginta: in theory, how would you go about arranging the orgy? (This is assuming everyone is consenting, & maybe not in ANBU, to avoid involvement with someone of a higher/lower rank.) Do you have a time/location set in mind? Would you take everyone out to dinner/drinks first or just go to the designated location and dive in? Do you anticipate awkwardness afterwards; if so, do you have any plans to mitigate it? Would you want it to be a one-time thing, or an annual tradition? Details please. ;)

Note to self: never ask Ginta anything.

How can I refuse an offer of haiku? Ginta, please describe your favourite body part of each member of Team 6 in haiku form. :)

Ginta, do tell about the Team 6 betting pool. Whether it's in haiku or in prose, inquiring minds really wanna know.

Ginta: your thoughts on Kakashi? (Other than sparky-sparky fun. Which was *wonderful* worldbuilding tidbit.) On Ryouma? :3

Usagi or Ginta, or anyone on Team 13, really: I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell us a little more about Eizo?

Minato

Minato, what does Kakashi mean to you?

Minato can you tell us something more about Kakashi's mother? Who is she? What is she doing? How is the relationship between Kakashi and his mum?

A question for Minato, are you still planning to meet the whole of Team six and what do you think about them and Kakashi's development now? Also for Naruto, do you talk with Ogata-san a lot about your Nii-san and his team?

Naruto

Naruto, what's it like having Rin as an older sister?

Why is Naruto's last name Uzumaki? Is it part of the Kushina-worship? And what kind of trouble does Naruto get up to at preschool (when he's not skipping to hang out with Kakashi and his dad)?

Kurenai

Kurenai, as future clan-head, what kind of responsibilities do you currently have, and what kind of special training do you take on to prepare you for the future?

A question for Kurenai: did you get a chance to talk with Katsuko before she left? And you seem to have changed your opinion on Kakashi a bit? Do you actually less dislike him a little or is it just because of the mission?

Other Konoha Characters

Kuroda: Honest opinions on the ninja currently under your command for the Kiri mission, go!

So, Vice Commander, what do you do when you're not being a shitweasel? Do you have a social life?

For Yuuichi, Ume + Shun, Sadayo, Minato (and Shibata Tomohiro if he'd like to come play): what do you like most and least about your son? What are your hopes for him?

Will we ever get to meet Kakashi's mom?

There was a mention of Sadayo being of some kind of noble house- what can you tell us about that? Or about her background, for that matter? I won't lie, I'll probably scream when she makes her first proper appearance:D

How much does Sadayo know about the recent events in her son's life? And is Team 6 going to meet her?

Ayane and Hakone, we haven't seen you in a while. How's it going?

Satomi, what did the Hokage tell you about what happened to Obito, and what do you think really happened to him?

Rin, what do you think of Team 6 now that Kakashi's (kind of) settled in?

Hajime, did you ever talk (*cough*gossip) with Genma about his new team? Did you have some advice besides continue being the absolutely awesome person/ lieutenant Genma is anyway? Genma did you ever go to Hajime's to complain (whine)?

Hajime, how's PT going? Are you still suffering through hospital food, or have they finally let you go home?

Usagi, what kind of explosion-tag related things are you working on right now? And also, writers, any head canons about explosion tags/sealing and how that all works?

Usagi or Ginta, or anyone on Team 13, really: I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell us a little more about Eizo?

Pakkun, how long have you been with Kakashi? Any fun stories about him when he was younger?)

I noticed that Asuma is now a retired character as well as Katusko and Rin. Is he really not coming back, either? Sorry if this has been asked before!

I was browsing the site when I noticed the Hayate journal and was intrigued, and though from looking in his tag I know he's not being played, I still want to tell Nezu that truly, he has a skill in making profiles. "Friends: He undoubtedly has friends." made me spit water over my keyboard. And right handed scissors!! The worst! I don't know if they have spiral notebooks in Konoha but those would make the list too.

Fukuda

Writers, can you tell us more about Fukuda? She's so badass and awesome.

Who writes Fukuda's dialogue?

To the writers: is it a member of Kisame's clan who is Sango's father, or Kisame himself? If this will be an important plot point, you don’t have to answer. To Fukuda: do you know who Sango's father is?

Fukuda, did you know what was going on in Mist, regarding the purges, before you left for the Tsuto mission?

Fukuda, here are a few random questions: Did working as a jounin in Mist allow time for any hobbies? How long have you been working with Iebara--would you mind sharing a good memory of your entire team, including him (if there is any)? Also, have you considered any alternative careers wherever you end up? Thanks!

Fukuda: What are your plans once you and your sister get out of Kiri? I can't imagine it'll be easy to hide a blue baby with gills.

Fukuda: is there anything you would do differently when you first ran into team 6, had you known then what you know now?

Fukuda: From what I can remember, you're one of the few people who've gotten rotted AND survived. Can you tell us how getting your arm rotted off feels like? For the authors: What does getting a limb rotted off/removed do to the chakra networks around that region? Thanks!

Fukuda: what do you think of the Konoha shinobi you've been working with so? How about specific members of Team Six?

What Ifs and AUs

What roll would each team 6 member have in a "Leverage-esque" scenario?

Sort team 6 into Hogwarts houses please please?

I saw Nezu's post where he classified Ginta as Slytherin. Would you be willing to "sort" Team 6 and some other recurring characters? I headcanon Kuroda as Slytherin since his... "winning personality" reminds me of Umbridge.

In a university AU what would everyone be studying/doing?

How would the main Legacy characters react to meeting their counterparts (if they exist) in the canon Naruto verse?

Ryouma's father, Fukuda et. al., the Ueno congregation, and Kakashi's mother. None are proven dead. If any of the above ever met, through some confluence of events, how would the Team be affected?

Question (humble request? but only if you feel comfortable?) for the writers: if, in theory, you were ever to consider expanding Fallen Leaves... I remember a fight scene in which a certain moody Haruichi bit the Anbu director in the leg (Season 1, title: Pride and Falls). I think it would be highly amusing if Hyuuga Hiashi found out. Or if, in Legacy, Kakashi bit Raidou I think that would be pretty funny too.

Technically not a question but - DK. "Gut them while they're laughing." (In a previous answer.) Nezu how can you live with this man!? XD Actually... Raidou and Genma co-habitated (& more, heh) in FL. What'd happen if they did in Legacy?

Worldbuilding

How common is therapy in Konoha? Not the physical or interrogation-disguised kind. Have any of Team Six / Ginta / Kuroda been to "visit a Yamanaka," or whatever the euphemism for counseling is?

What are Konoha's continuing education classes for shinobi? Is it like a normal class, with homework, tests, and essays? What happens if a shinobi doesn't pass the class or go to any of the classes? Most importantly: Is there a jounin study group? I'm picturing 4 jounin each doing a quarter of that week's assignment and sharing the answers. Because students are students no matter the age.

Do the four medical-ninja laws exist is ANBU legacy? the ones that prevent medics from fighting unless they have the Strength of a Hundred Seal.

Nezu, what's the process of researching, creating and writing medical jutsu like?

Question about ANBU dating regulations: so for same rank dating, are captain and lieutenant considered different ranks?

Does Genma still run eros-type missions in this universe? If so, will we be seeing any of that?

One of my favourite things has been the films that you create for Legacy. Would you mind giving me summaries of a few of your favourites?

Okay, I've got to ask: are ALL ANBU missions as bad as the ones Team 6 has had, or is Team 6 just really unlucky?

Writers and Writing

Question for the writers: I am fascinated by people's writing processes, and I'd like to know more about yours. Especially when it comes to the mission threads, which are so intricately plotted. How does a mission come together in the writer's room?

Writers, what do you do with scenes that don't make it into a thread (I'm assuming they exist)? Do you guys save them somewhere? Are we ever going to get an outtake reel?!

Do you guys ever come into conflict with each other when you're writing? Like, one person wants something, one person wants the opposite? How do you resolve those kinds of conflicts?

How far in advance do you plan your threads/basic plot? Do you have a lot of fairly concrete ideas worked out ahead of time, or do things change pretty frequently?

Question for the writers: Do you guys have any tips for writers who are just starting out? I've started writing fanfiction, but I feel myself often hitting roadblocks while writing or not having any real inspiration for a few days at a time.

Writers! Tips for handling humor in writing, and balancing it with the serious moments? I find I either forget humor entirely and my writing takes itself too seriously, or I head too far in the other direction and can't find the off switch for the snark.

For the writers: is it tricky to write sex scenes?

WRITERS: If you could pick one (1) ship to be end-game, which ship would you pick?

Hello writers! I am a big fan of Kakashi/Ryouma since Fallen Leaves and I was wondering if there would be a chance for this pairing in Anbu Legacy. Or maybe any other Kakashi/member of Team 6 pairing, cause poor Kakashi needs some love ;D

To the writers: do you think you'll bring in any plots or things or characters from previous works (Fallen Leaves and Scarlet Spiral)? *cough*genrai*cough*

Question for the writers, those of you who write multiple characters, which character do you find easiest to write?

Another question for the writers, what do you like best about your character(s), and/or each other's character(s)? Feel free to answer as much or as little as you want.

Writers, who is your favourite non-Team 6 character to write? Who is your least favourite to write?

For the writers: Is there any personal meaning to your online names and Tumblr URLs?

For the authors: how many goats (and/or other animals) do you think each other is worth?

For everyone! Do you have writing playlists? What kind of things do you like to listen to when you write?

oh. favorite drinkss for the teaam (and writers if they want)! alcohol related mostly but since kakashi isnt that fun he can do a non alcholoic one

[the-master-cylinder]

Elisabeth was born on July 2, 1951 in Toronto, Ontario and adopted by William Harrison “Sandy” Luyties Jr. (1927-1996) and his wife Joan (née Brooks; 1935-2010) when she was 6 months old.

Out on the west coast, Elisabeth balanced her career goals with fostering her infant son. While waitressing at both L.A.’s Roxy Club and the then exclusive upstairs affixture On the Rox, she became acquainted with Hollywood high-rollers, including Warren Beatty, Harry Dean Stanton and Jack Nicholson (with whom she claims to have had a wild six-month relationship). While working an onset babysitting assignment, she was discovered by the actor Don “Red” Barry. It was never clear to me what specific contribution he made, but shortly after her introduction to the actor, she made her television debut in an episode of the NBC series, EMERGENCY (1972-1977).

Elisabeth subsequently earned prime time visibility from guest appearances on hits like Starsky and Hutch and made the telefilm Heart to Heart. Brooks also made the rounds at Universal Studios, appearing on The Rockford Files, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman and even The Night Stalker. She played a nurse’s aide on the episode, “The Spanish Moss Murders.”

She tells of her first role in a Universal movie: a small bit in Alfred Hitchcock’s Family Plot (1976). “I had a very small part,” she admits, “and when I first got on the set, I overheard the make-up man and wardrobe people and crew talking about how he [Hitchcock] had not talked to anyone in two weeks. He just wasn’t a friendly person to the crew. He wasn’t rude to them, he just didn’t talk to them. He didn’t spend much time talking to anyone. He didn’t care to get into conversations with actors so he had an Assistant Director give all the directions.

“When I started to do my two lines, he sent the AD over to the guy I was working with to give him some directions and the AD came to me and said, ‘Mr. Hitchcock suggests…’ and way in the corner I hear this booming voice saying, ‘Young lady…’ and he started talking to me and I got very nervous and I was the talk of the set because I was the first actress he had directed on the film directly. I felt really impressed

“And of course the first few times I screwed up. I got him to laugh. I was very nervous and I dropped my purse right in the middle of everything and he started laughing and I said, ‘I’m sorry…’ and he said, “That’s all right, that’s all right.’ This was just a small start.”

For nine months, Brooks lived in New York and played an ex-alcoholic country singer on the soap opera, Days of Our Lives. It also brought Brooks her first fan mail. “She was kind of a spaced-out character,” ‘Brooks says with a laugh. “She wasn’t too sure what was wrong, what was right and what she was going to do next. She ran off to be a rock and roll star.” It was on that show that Brooks began singing, and writing her own music and lyrics. “During the show I opened my own publishing company and I did a couple of my songs on the show. The part I played was not a good singer and so it was easy,” she chuckles. She is now taking lessons and is planning on performing when ready.

Elisabeth was best known for her role as Marsha. the tempestuous werewolf in Joe Dante’s cult classic, THE HOWLING (1981). Brooks had never heard of the novel, The Howling, but she received a call at home, telling her Avco Embassy was making the movie and they wanted her to come in and read for a part. “I went in and I was given a script and I read it and came back. I did a scene for the producer, Mike Finnell, and the director, Joe Dante, and came back again and did another scene, or the same scene for the executive producers, Daniel Blatt and Steven Lane. And then I had to come back with a long, dark wig on.” Brooks was wearing short, blondish hair at the time.

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Marsha is described in the film as “elemental” with vast untapped powers. She’s also a seductress, who has little use for men and even less use for women. She’s accused of taking men and bending them to her will for whatever purpose she chooses and no one can understand her motives.

“I was told not to read the novel,” Brooks explains. Marsha may be one of the few elements to remain similar to the book’s depiction. Marsha Quist is also the toughest role Brooks has undertaken. She describes Marsha as an animal. “And in being an animal, she has no compassion or desire to be associated with human beings. She has very definite points of view on the human race and being an animal, she finds them extremely threatening to her unless she can control them. And she does control the humans.” To her, it was an extremely challenging role and she feels she accomplished what she set out to do: create a complex character and make her believable.

What disappoints her is the final cut of the film. She describes working with Director Dante as being very easy. “We really didn’t have any trouble until I saw the film–and then we really didn’t have any trouble. I had a meeting with him to voice my complaints, I felt he didn’t leave enough substance to my character. He just centered on the sexually stimulating parts of her which are fine. Those are just actor’s and director’s opinions. He had to make his movie work. That’s the way he said he could make the movie work. I am upset as an actress because I worked very hard on developing a character that I spent a lot of time and energy trying to develop. It’s a little disheartening when you work so hard on something and you see so little of it up there except something that you were told wouldn’t be the substance of the character and all of a sudden that’s the substance and everything else you worked on isn’t there anymore. I know how much was not left in and I’m a little upset but it’s ok,” she says.

“For Marsha,” Brooks continues after taking a breath, “I was told to think of a cat. A very sexual, soft and feminine cat but very dignified. The type of thing a cat is. A cat gets it victims through sex-they have a very sexual outlook. I think a lot of that was left out of the film. A lot of the power was left out. The power that was left in was sexual power. So that’s ok. Joe and I had many talks about it but by the time I found out about the cuts, it was too late to go back and change anything.”

Part of the sexual nature of Marsha is also very visual since Brooks had to do a scene with full frontal nudity. “It was freezing,” she remembers. “It was done very late at night and it was extremely cold. We did it very quickly. It was my first such experience and hopefully one of my last.”

What made the love scene so difficult was not just the cold. Both Brooks and Christopher Stone had to go through partial transformation into werewolves while supposedly making love. Both wore fangs in their mouths that slid into place when wires were tripped with their tongues.

Thinking about Marsha, the young actress goes on to discuss her, “In the film and the character and the script I read, my character had a lot of substance and credibility to it. And this person I played had a lot of dimension that in the actual cut of the film, I feel, has been diminished. I think The Howling is a cartoon brought to life. In looking at it as a cartoon, my character is a cartoon character, totally different from me as a person. I think it will be a very, very big hit.

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“It is fun and it doesn’t gross you out. They didn’t put a lot of traditional horror elements in it, yet it encompasses all of it. I’ve heard it’s almost a classic type of film. I think it will reach for more than the horror audience. Everyone has a good time.”

She was very vocal in her objections to scenes that required full-frontal nudity. “I was signed to do the movie on my acting ability alone. I was told the sex shots would be smoke screened by a bonfire and that you wouldn’t be able to see anything.” Playboy published the nude footage, without Elisabeth’s approval, in the magazine’s annual “Sex in the Cinema” retrospect. With no heat waves nor smoke, she disrobed near the embers of a modest blaze. Elisabeth was further quoted, “In the past, I’ve always refused to do nude magazine work because I believe in the Bible and have morals.” Elisabeth later told me that she had a reputation to consider as a single mom; she was referring to Jeremy, who was seven years old when THE HOWLING was released. Elisabeth refused to marry the boy’s father.

To make Marsha come alive, and turn into a carnal werewolf, Rob Bottin worked with her. Brooks says of him, “He’s a sweetheart, really easy to work with. They put a mask on my face when I turn into a werewolf. My face gets all distorted. They put a plaster cast over your whole face and it’s a total freak-out, totally blows you away because you can’t breathe. The whole time I was there, knowing Rob was there … he never stops talking, never. He has a soothing voice and you get comfortable and you don’t get scared. Anytime I started to get scared, he would sense it and he’d say, ‘It’s ok Elisabeth, sit still … He explains every step that he is doing so you know what’s going on. He’s fabulous to work with and he’s like that with everyone.”

While THE HOWLING cleaned-up at the box office, Elisabeth required a hysterectomy to recover from PID (pelvic inflammatory disease). The illness was one reason that she backed-out of THE HOWLING II, though initially agreed to do the sequel. But there was another reason. Friend Kristy McNichol, an actress formerly tied to a popular TV series (FAMILY, 1976-1980), had wielded some influence on HOWLING II’s failed salary negotiations.

Elisabeth said she had met Kristy while babysitting on movie sets. They actually performed together in a movie aptly titled THE FORGOTTEN ONE (1990). It was reported in the Star tabloid (Dec. 1994) that McNichol, upon learning about Brooks’ diagnosed cancer, “ran to her side.” Their relationship, while sometimes tumultuous, was very close.  After a 33-month struggle with brain cancer, Brooks died in Haven Hospice near her home in Palm Springs, California at the age of 46.

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Fangoria#12 Femme Fatales v07n02

Elisabeth Brooks: Sexy She Wolf Elisabeth was born on July 2, 1951 in Toronto, Ontario and adopted by William Harrison "Sandy" Luyties Jr.

[saikaigigi]

The time I rescued a kitten in Japan.

The time I rescued a kitten in Japan. This is a long post.

I’ve always thought that if a stray cat came to my apartment, I would be tempted to take it in. But those cats are usually self sufficient and able to fend for themselves. They don’t really *need* me to help them. They can hunt on their own and don’t exactly need food from me (although I do have some treats in case a kitty shows up - it happened once!).

I chronicled my adventure on Facebook, but here I would like to write in detail about my experience rescuing a kitten in Japan.

This is Ame on the day I found her 

I was on my 30 minute commute to my second high school when suddenly I spotted a VERY scared looking kitten sitting in the road against the curb. There was no question about what I had to do. There were so many cars and I KNEW that she was going to get hurt. I’ve seen dead cats on the road here too many times now. So I turned around and pulled over across the street from her, and walked toward her. I wanted to be on the opposite side of the road in case she ran away from me - this way she’d go on the sidewalk. I was sort of in a panic but I managed not to get hit either lol. She stood up when she saw me coming to her and didn’t run away. She looked at me like she wanted my help. I picked her up really fast and went to the sidewalk where I held her to me and looked around for a mother cat. There wasn’t one in sight. I walked a little and ran into an old man, who I asked for advice. He said I probably would have to take her. I really didn’t have much time - I was running late to work now - so I decided to take her in my car and figure out what to do with her once I got to the school. (Actually, at this point in time I didn’t know if she was a boy or a girl.) When I got into the car, I noticed that her eyes were caked in yellow mucous.

I sat the cat down on the passenger seat and turned the car around. She climbed up my arm while I was driving, and my lap suddenly got REALLY WARM. Yeah. She peed on me. I don’t know if it was out of fear or comfort, but I got peed on by a stray kitten. In my car on the way to work with no change of clothes on me. And the pee was RIGHT where it looked like I peed myself. But I wasn’t mad at her. I actually thought it was quite hilarious. I pulled over (after I promptly removed her from my lap) and called the teacher I work with most at my second high school. Actually, I couldn’t get signal so I had to drive a little to be able to make the call. The route to the school is mainly country road surrounded by trees and mountains. Finally, we were able to communicate and I told him what happened and asked what I should do. He actually had no idea and didn’t have much time to talk because of the morning meeting. He said I could take her to city hall. So I made my way to city hall. I carried her in as she cuddled me (the cat pee on my pants wasn’t actually visible anymore) and filled out some paperwork about when I found her. I waved goodbye to her and wished her good luck. I really had to go since I was late to work at that point.

When I got to school, the vice principal asked me where the kitten was. It seemed she wanted to see it. I wish I had just brought the kitten to school. When people see a kitten, they are more likely to feel sorry for it and maybe they would have actually helped me find a foster.

I got a change of clothes from the nurse and made my way to class. All day, my mind was on the kitten. What would happen to her? Did city hall feed her? Is she really going to be alright? I got to talk to my classes about finding her, and the teacher I had called that morning advised me to go get the kitten back. He said that it’s likely she will be killed. He actually said it this way, with the word “killed” because I doubt he knows the term “put down”. And after some research, I’ve realized that using the word “kill” is more accurate.

This information is quite sad and honestly put me into quite a depression. So read on at your own discretion.

Japanese pounds, called hokenjo - a misleading word that is translated in dictionaries as “health care center” - try to find homes for the pets in their care but after 7 days (or 2 weeks? I was told 2 weeks, but the internet says otherwise), the animals are killed in batches. They’re taken to a room called the “dream box” and gassed. The dog barks turn into whimpers, and then silence.

I was NOT going to let that happen to the precious little girl kitty I found on the road. She deserves to be cared for and to have a chance at life. I was seriously disturbed at the information I found. You can read more here : http://www.animalrightsforjapan.com/EN/index_en.php#?page=problem/petculling.php

So, I did what I had to do. There really was no way I wasn’t going back to city hall for that kitten. So I did. I picked her up after work and took her straight home. When I arrived at city hall, she was in a hard plastic pet carrier with a box over it, sitting on a stack of boxes in a random garage behind a car. As soon as I followed the worker outside to get her, I could hear her meowing. He put her in a cardboard box for me and I took her home. She meowed the whole way home.

I had Philip arrive at my place before me. He stayed with the kitten while I ran to the store for some kitten milk - which I bought after realizing that kittens can’t have cow milk. It’s a good thing that Google exists.

I grabbed necessities, too, like cat litter and a random plastic box to use as a litter box. I also needed something to drip the milk into the kitten’s mouth, and I hurriedly wandered around the store looking for drippers. I finally found some that were meant for ink (don’t worry, I got a real one the next day).

I rushed home and heated the milk in the microwave (after spilling some everywhere) and quickly fed the starving kitten. I knew she was super hungry because she kept climbing me and rubbing her mouth into my neck. She even tried to get down my shirt…

After I got her to eat, she was really happy. She fell asleep on my lap. She was so loving.  The name came to me then - Ame. Ame with a downward inflection means “rain” but I was going for the upward inflection - “candy”. Because she was a sweetheart.

That night, a fellow ALT helped me bathe Ame. I’m really glad I had someone to help me do it, because Ame really needed the bath. She had fleas crawling all over her if you looked closely. We quickly figured out a good way to get them out and to die, which ended up being wet her with dish soap and water, then use tweezers to pick them out one by one. I think we got more than 50 off of her. That’s a lot for such a small animal. She didn’t like the water, but she needed the bath. I didn’t realize how dangerous fleas are to an animal. They actually feed on blood, and for a kitten that means they can suck the life right out of them. Ame may have already been dying when I found her. I have no idea when she had last eaten or if her mother deserted her or what.

I slept upstairs in my own room that night, but every night after I slept with Ame.( I often woke up with her laying on my pillow by my head, or under my blankets with me.)

The next day, I took Ame to the vet as soon as I was off of work. Since I live in the sticks in a town that has no money and a decreasing population, a trip to the vet meant a 45 minute drive north. Ame was in her box and eventually fell asleep. I had music on low.

I carried her into the vet without the box. She clung to me. We got signed in and she was put in a net laundry bag to prevent fleas spreading off of her (though all the fleas I saw after her bath were dead). Actually, I opened it and let her poke her body out. We waited for what was probably 30 minutes to be seen. It was busy that day. But Ame was really good. She stayed on my lap and eventually fell asleep again. She slept a lot those first few days.

In the consultation room, they took a look at her and began an eye/nose drop treatment. They made it look so easy to get those drops in her eyes and nose. They cleaned her ears for me, which Ame just HATED. She was in such distress over the discomfort. And her ears were SO dirty. It was unbelievable. So much brown gunk. It was during this that I began to get emotional. I was so glad that Ame was getting treatment and that she didn’t get run over by a car. Seeing her in her mild discomfort made me grateful that she didn’t get injured in the road. I was overcome with love for her. I wanted to protect her.

The vet gave her a flea treatment drop in her fur on the back of her neck. We left with her smelling like a hospital. It felt good. (Also, the vet fee was only about $50. Holy!)

So, I went home and for the next week I did nothing but spend time with that cat. I got her started on wet cat food, got her used to the litter box (and covered my entire living room floor of tatami mats in plastic), and almost got her to stop biting my toes. She made such good progress under my care. Giving her her eye/nose drops was the hardest part. She really didn’t like those… And the vet made it look so easy. 

When we went back to the vet a week later, they asked me “Is she more energetic now?” And I laughed. She was running around my apartment, getting into places she shouldn’t be, waking me up with her paws on my face, attacking my feet, climbing my pants and sitting on my shoulder. She got so much better.

My search for a foster family started on Facebook with English speaking communities of JETs and NAVY families. No one wanted to take her. I did find a foster for her, but she wouldn’t be able to go until the 28th. And then I began to worry that she would be deserted if a foreign family moved back abroad.

I had to set my sights on Japanese websites. It took me a few days to get my post finalized - I had to work through Japanese and figure out what information I needed to offer. Also, the photos I had got better as the days went on, as Ame began to look healthier. I was worried that people wouldn’t want a sick cat. But eventually I got it all sorted and posted her on neko-jirushi.com. A day later, I got an application from a local woman. And in a couple days, I had to take Ame to her new owner.

Actually, the day I handed over Ame it was pouring down rain. Her name means candy, not rain, but that day it felt like a culmination of all the effort and love I put into her even though I couldn’t keep her. I wonder if her new family will still call her Ame since they got her on a rainy day.

I cried alot after I got home later. I’m glad I had Phil with me. I’ve honestly never felt any emotions like that before. I know that Ame is safe and being taken care of, but separating from her felt like a close family member died. It’s not grief, obviously, but it hurts similarly. Call it separation anxiety, if you want. Maybe that’s all it is. I needed an entire day to get the emotions to pass. The next day, I cleaned my floors and washed a lot of laundry to start getting the allergens out for Phil. I expected to be overwhelmed by emptying her litter box or washing her bowls. But I was pretty much fine.

So yeah. That’s the time I rescued a kitten in Japan. It was emotional and risky (my apartment doesn’t allow pets), but I know I’d do it again.

UPDATE: I e-mailed the lady who adopted Ame and asked if Ame had settled in. She said that she’s gotten used to her new home and plays with the kids and dog a lot. Also, they’re calling her Ame! I thought they might name her something else, but I guess since it was pouring that day they kept the name lol. Or, maybe the name just stuck with them. Here she is!

[thelandofmrsparkle]

A Glossary Of Terms

1-kyu:

First level. As in the top level of the Japanese Language Profiency Test!

A man:

Ten thousand. Sounds cool, don't it?

Anime:

Cartoon.

Apato:

Apartment.

Apato Biru:

Apartment building.

Apropos:

Appropriate (French).

Arubaito:

Part-time job, esp. one for students.

Asa-gohan:

Breakfast (lit. "morning rice").

Base brat:

Someone whose parent(s) was (were) military personnel, therefore necessitating living on military bases and multiple traumatic cross-country moves during childhood.

Bento:

Japanese boxed lunch.

Bit:

Slang for stole, copied, and/or plagerized..

Blocking:

A stage term that means where actors are supposed to stand on-stage.

BOE:

JET abbreviation for Board Of Education.

Boshi:

A hat or baseball cap.

Bosozoku:

Young Japanese gang members who ride around on real noisy, super-modified motorcycles (lit. "speed tribes").

Bougie:

Slang term for "bourgeois"

Bunkasai:

School "culture festival;" a bizarre mix of talent show, open house and carnival.

Bureki:

Brakes.

Can't Be Arsed:

See "couldn't be arsed."

Carte blanche:

The freedom to do whatever you please (French).

-Chan:

Attached to someone's name to infer affection for that person as a friend. Also used to indicate that the person being refered to is a child.

Chelsea Smile:

Inserting a knife into the mouth of a person one is assaulting and cutting at either end of the mouth, so as to extend the victim's smile in a grotesque fashion.

Chikan:

Pevert or molester. See also hentai

Chimpira:

A low-level yakuza.

Chi chi fou fou:

Fancy.

Cho:

Very. See also totemo.

Chotto:

A little.

Chugakko:

Junior high school.

Chugakkusei:

Junior high school student.

Conbini:

Convenience store (Montréalers: depanneur), which are ubiquotous in Japan.

Couldn't Be Arsed:

English slang, meaning "couldn't be bothered." Also works as "can't be arsed."

Crust:

A style of punk rock known for its death metal-esque vocals and overall severity. Crust punks are well known for their aversion to personal hygeine and love of mescaline.

Dafuya:

A ticket scalper.

Daibutsu:

Buddah. Or, more commonly, a giant-ass statue of the Buddah.

Daigakko:

University.

Daikyuu:

A day off in lieu of having worked on a regular day off (e.g. do-yobi).

Dame, dame:

Forbidden, as in "don't do that!"

(da)Saitama:

A nickname for Saitama City used by the more cosmopolitan Tokyoites. Dasai means "uncool."

Deets:

Slang term for "details."

Denki:

Electricity; or, electronics store.

Depato:

Department store.

Deshita:

Was. Kind of.

Dinkus:

Dink (Latin).

DIY:

"Do It Yourself." A punk rock manifesto/slogan (North America) or the way to describe homeowner-done home renovations (Merry Olde England).

Dodgu baru:

Dodge ball (formerly known as murder ball).

Dojo:

A school or building devoted to martial arts.

Domo arigato gozaimashita:

"Thank you very much."

Dorama:

Katakanasized English for "drama," meaning "soap opera."

Dosh:

Money. Sorry, I've been renting to many "there's gangsters in London"-type movies lately!

Do-yobi:

Would be Saturday, wouldn't it now?

Echo Parque:

Echo Park. A neighbourhood in Los Angeles (Spanish).

Eigo:

English.

Eikawa:

English conversation school.

El Jefe:

The boss (Spanish).

Enkai:

The legendary "office party" of Japan, where you colleagues try to get you as drunk as possible. Notorious for being the social occassion where the reserved and meek Japanese people you work with go off and get nuts.

Ethiopia no ryoori:

Ethiopian food. Look, just put any country before no ryoori and you are talking about the food of that country. It's just that easy!

FA:

Fuck All

Fameru, the:

The other, more centrally-located but crappier, apartment building wherein almost all the other AET's working for the Saitama-shi are housed.

Flossing:

Wearing clothing or jewelry in a flashy, homologic manner.

Flush:

In the wacky world of poker, five cards of the same suit. A good hand.

Furikomi:

Transferring money from your bank account to someone else's.

Fushigi:

Weird, as in spooky or mysterious weird. Like an Astro-boy action figure spookily and mysteriously "floating" in a Denny's toy. Hello? Go back and read the sentence again!

Gaijin:

Foreigner. Non-Japanese.

Gaijin cado:

The "Alien Registration Card" that every foreigner living here is required to carry at all times.

Gaikokku:

Foreign country or countries. Any country or countries that is not Japan.

Gakusei:

Student. Or students. Depending.

Game senta:

Arcade ("game centre" - get it?).

Ganbaranai!:

"Don't try!" "Why bother?" "Do a half-assed job, if even that much." The opposite of ganbatte.

Ganbatte yo!:

"Fight!" "Try hard!" "Do your best!" J-folk never tire of uttering these words of encouragement at every opportunity.

Genkan:

That part of a J-house right after the front door where you take off your shoes. Considered part of "outside," so if you don't leave your door locked here, don't be surprised when delivery guys, Jehovah's Witnesses, the cops and the NHK guy just open your front door and stand in the genkan, calling for you!

Genki:

Healthy, happy, in good spirits, socialable, frisky. Pick one or a combination thereof.

Genkikunai:

Unhealthy, unhappy, in poor spirits, unsocialable, not frisky. Pick one or a combination thereof.

Geri:

Either diarrhea or having sex with your girlfriend. Can't remember which one, but either way, geri is a top-notch excuse to give your supervisor when you want the day off. Though I'd recommend seiri-tsuu for the ladies.

Getsu-yobi:

Monday. You didn't read the week one entry very closely, did you?

Gi:

Martial arts uniform. Costume? Get-up? No, uniform!

Giving us the hi-hat:

1920's gangster slang for being snubbed or disrespected, see?

Glasgow Kiss:

A head butt.

Gobsmacked:

Flabbergasted; astounded; shocked (English slang).

Gomen nasai:

"I'm sorry."

Haafu:

Katakanized English for "half," which is how mixed-"race" offspring of one Japanese parent & one gaijin are actually refered to here!

Hanabi:

Fireworks.

Hanamizu:

Snot (lit. "nose water").

Hanko:

A stamp or personal seal, used in lieu of a signature on most legal documents, bank forms, etc.

Hansomu:

Jinglish for "handsome."

Harajuku:

A popular district of central Tokyo, known for attracting throngs of young people dressed to nines in all manner of garb. Particulary on Sundays!

Hawdkoah:

The New York City pronounciation of "hardcore", a style of punk music.

Hella:

San Francisco slang for "very" (lit. "hell of").

Hentai:

Pervert. See also chikan.

Hiragana:

One of the Japanese syllabic alphabets.

Hisashiburi ne!:

"Long time, no see!"

Ichi-nensei:

First-year students (Canadian translation: 7th grade).

Inaka:

The country. A rural area.

Isofuckingashii:

Bufuckingsy.

Itabashi-sensei:

My supervisor at the Saitama Board of Education.

Itai:

"That hurts!" lit."ouch!"

Italian run-through:

When an actor, in rehearsal, goes through their lines as quickly as possible. Used to assist with line memorization

Itari no ryoori:

Italian food.

Izakaya:

Japanese-style drinking/eating bars designed to accomodate larger groups of drunks.

Janken:

Rock, Paper, Scissors.

JET:

The Japan Exchange Teaching program - how I managed to fanagle my way into this country.

Jet Coaster:

Roller coaster.

Jido hanbaiki:

Vending machine.

Jiko shokai:

A self-introduction - a prepared speech used to introduce yourself to others.

Jitensha:

A bicycle.

Joie de vivre:

"Joy of life." (French)

Jozu:

Skilled, talented, impressive.

Jofuckingzu:

Skilfuckingled, talenfuckingted, imfuckingpressive.

JTE:

JET program jargon for a Japanese Teacher of English.

Judo:

A Japanese martial art involving the throwing of people. Derived from ju jitsu, another Japanese martial art.

Juku:

Lit. "cram school." Private tutoring-style schools most kids go to after regular school, to give them that edge on the all-important, life-determining exams they face at the end of junior and senior high school.

Ju-ni-nichi matsuri:

Some sort of weird festival in Urawa that appears to celebrate December 12th. Literally translates to "The Festival of the 12th."

Kafucho:

Hay fever. But really, pollen allergy, esp. cedar pollen allergy. Which is bad news given that 60% of Japan's forests were clearcut to make way for cedar plantations.

Kai-yobi:

Tuesday. You didn't read the week one entry very closely, did you?

Kame:

Turtle.

Kana:

The Japanese written language, composed of the hiragana, katakana and kanji alphabets.

Kanji:

The Japanese characters that are actually Chinese characters and usually have two or three totally unrelated pronunciations and meanings. Oh, and there are thousands upon thousands of them, too.

Kanpai:

Cheers/Skoal/Here's Mud In Yer Eye.

Kare rice:

As near as I can figure out the Japanese pronounciation for "curry rice," a popular Japanized curry dish.

Kasa:

Umbrella.

Katakana:

The Japanese syllabic alphabet reserved for non-Japanese words.

Katana:

Those cool samurai swords. Also, an iconic "rice rocket" made by Kawasaki.

Kawaii:

Cute.

Keitai:

A cellular telephone. Which you would have ascertained, had you continued reading the sentence.

Kendo:

A Japanese martial art involving wooden swords and the hitting of people with them.

Kenkyujo:

The proper pronounciation of the Japanese word for Research centre. Specifically, the Saitama City BOE research centre.(see also kinkyujo).

Kimpura:

Um, marinated shredded vegetables? Not entirely sure, but I eat it!

Kin Jeh:

Vegetarian. Though I cain't recall if it means "vegetarian food" or "vegetarian person." Ask Thi. She'll know. (Thai).

Kinkyujo:

Research centre. Specifically, the Saitama City BOE research centre.

Kin-yobi:

Come on. If moku-yobi was Thursday and this followed Thursday, what the hell day do you think it is?

Kissaten:

Café/coffee shop.

Koban:

Police box - a little, mini-office where at least one cop is always present. Thousands of thems all over Japanese neighbourhoods, which is sometimes credited as a reason for Japan's low crime rate.

Kocho-sensei:

Principal (lit. "head teacher").

Koguro:

aka "ko-gals." Lit. translating to "high school girls," this refers to a Japanese female youth subculture where teenage girls bleach their hair, tan themselves as dark as possible, wear a lot of white makeup and dress as cute as possible. Think Britany Spears as done by David Lynch and you are getting close to what it's like.

Kokkoi:

Cool.

Konnichiwa:

Hello/Good day.

Konshu:

This week.

Kowe:

Scary (refering to males).

Kowaii:

Scary.

Kuro:

Black.

Kyoto-sensei:

Vice-Principal.

Kyudo:

Japanese archery.

Kyuryobi:

Payday.

Lactards:

The lactose intolerant; usually those whose bodies do not produce the enzyme required to digest the protein lactose, found in milk and diary products.

La Comida Mexicana:

Mexican food (Spanish).

Live House:

A bar where bands play. The tweaked thing is that, unless the band is huuuge, they probably have to rent out the venue, PA & staff and produce the show themselves. Cost? 300,000 - 400,000 yen! Yipes!

Maddog:

To glare at someone in as threatening a manner as possible.

Maka:

The accepted abbreviation of Makadonorado.

Makadonorado:

McDonald's - an American fast-food restaurant chain, popular in Japan. See also Maka.

Mamachari:

A "shopping bike" - a rickety old-style bike with a basket on the front and sometimes the back. The kind you'd expect to see grandmas trucking around on. Which they do. Along with everyone else.

Man:

10,000.

Manga:

A Japanese comic book, which are read by children and adults alike and cover every possible topic and story, including golf, tennis and, of course, pornography.

Mansion:

Hilariously enough, what they call really big multimulti unit apartment buildings!

Matsuri:

Festival.

Megane:

Eyeglasses.

Meishi:

Business card (lit. "name card").

Melonpan:

A melon-flavoured bun. Also, a character on the popular children's television series Ampanman. Whose title character is a flying superhero with a sweet bean-paste-filled bun for a head.

Merde:

"Shit," in French.

Mi Vida Loca:

"My Crazy Life." In this case, a pretty good gang film. Not the Ricky Martin song (Spanish).

Moku-yobi:

Come now, you deduced that this was Thursday all by yourself, didn't you?

Moleto:

Wallet (Spanish). Possibly the only spanish word I remember from that summer class I took four years ago.

Mugly:

Weather so hot and humid ("muggy") that it is downright ugly ("ugly"). Just because I made a word up does not mean that it should not be in everyone's lexicon.

Muzukashii:

Difficult.

Nasi goreng:

Thee scrumptious, rice-based national dish of Indonesia.

Natsukashii:

Kind of when something caused you to reminisce in a happy, sentimental, "ah, the memories!" way.

Ne?:

"Isn't it so?/Don't you think?" Liberally inserted at the end of practically any sentence. Similar to the Canadian "Eh?" Or the Parisian "quoi?" Or the Québecois "la." Etc.

Neko:

Cat.

Nenkyu:

Paid vacation time. Which, in theory and according to your JET contract, you can book off with your supervisor without much problem. In theory.

Nihon-go:

Japanese language.

Nihon-go no sensei:

Japanese language teacher.

Nihon-jin:

A Japanese person.

Nihon ryoori:

Japanese food.

Niku nashi onegai dekimasu ka:

Could you pretty please make that without putting dead animal parts on it?

Ni-nensei:

Second-year students (Canadian translation: 8th grade.

Nissei:

Second-generation Japanese living somewhere other than Japan.

Nomihodai:

A special and popular deal at Japanese bars, where you and your friends may drink all you possibly can in a set period of time, for a set price.

Nova usagi-chan:

The annoying animated rabbit mascot of the largest chain of private English schools in Japan, whose theme song is permanently ingraved on my memory thanks to heavy airplay of their TV commericals. "Ippai kikite, ippai shaberuru NOVANOVA!".

Off-book:

A stage term meaning that an actor has memorized their part and can or will rehearse without having to look at the script.

Ohayo gozaimasu:

Good morning.

Ogenki desu ka?:

How are you? (honorific form).

Oishii:

Delicious.

Ojiisan:

Grandfather. But let's not start singing about his stupid fucking clock, ok?

OLs:

"Office Ladies." Women working low-level secretarial/receptionist/clerk positions in Japanese offices, until they get married and stop all this silly nonsense about having a career. Which means pretty much any woman working in an office in Japan, since, of course, only men should be promoted or hold positions of importance or responsibility.

Omiyage:

Little individually-wrapped snacks you bring back from a trip to anywhere for all your co-workers. A major Japanese tradition.

Onigirii:

Popular J-snack of a triangle of rice wrapped in seaweed, usually with a fishy or seaweedy centre.

Onsen:

Hot spring. J-folk loooove love love to visit the innumerable hot springs dotted around Japan on their vacations.

Onis:

Demons.

Otaku:

Nerds. But especially obsessive-compulsive collecting nerds.

Pachinko:

This wildly-popular but weird gambling game involving a sort of vertically-mounted pinball machine, hundreds of steel balls, prizes and a lot of noise and flashiness.

Pit justice:

A straight-edge slang term for physically attacking someone in the dance area of a punk rock concert.

Player:

One who maintains a high level of romantic popularity and multiple romantic relationships.

Poutine:

French I mean Freedom Fries smothered in a special gravy and then covered with melting cheese curds. Québec's national dish, right above chien chaud steamée.

Purikura:

Special arcades specializing in those cute photo sticker booths where you take pictures with your friends and then customize them like mad.

Quelle Surprise:

"What a surprise!" (French).

Queue:

A line of people. (British).

Queuing:

Lining up (British).

Restos:

A Montréal abbreviation for "restaurants" (probably French).

Reverse:

Puke (verb).

Roku-nensei:

6th graders.

Romanji:

What they call the Roman (read: English-language) alphabet o'er here.

Ryokan:

A traditional-style Japanese inn.

SaiSta:

Slang for former World Cup venue Saitama Stadium.

Saisho RU! Janken PON!:

What J-people say instead of "1,2, 3!" when playing Janken. (see Janken).

Saitama BOE:

The Saitama City Board of Education.

Saitama-ken:

The prefecture of Saitama. A prefecture is like a province or state. 47 of 'em in Japan!

Salary(wo)man:

Business(wo)man. But pretty much always men. Women who work in offices are OLs.

San-nensei:

Third-year students (Canadian translation: 9th grade.

Seiri-tsuu:

Menstrual cramps.

Sempai:

The more senior, and therefore, superior person in a given work/school situation.

Sensei:

The honorific term for teacher.

Senta Gyaru:

Katakaniz'd English for "Centre Girl," which refers to a mostly-female subculture of high school girls who hang around Shibuya's Centre Street dresses in animal costumes with their hair dyed as unnaturally fluorescent as possible, with fake jewels glued on their faces. See also koguro.

Senta Guy:

The male version of a senta gyaru.

Seppuku:

Japanese ritual suicide.

Servo:

Brain (French).

Shag:

Fuck (British slang).

Shanked:

To be stabbed with a homemade or improvised knife.

Shibuya:

A popular district in central Tokyo for shopping, food, or dates. I like to pronounce it "shi- BOO-YA!" but somehow I don't think that's very original of me. Satisfying, though!

Shinjuku:

A popular district in central Tokyo, known for its nightlife.

Shinkansen:

Tha bullet train! Pow! Zip!

Shippu:

Stinky ointment-laced gauze. Did you not read the sentence or something?

Shizzy:

Slang term for shiznit, which is, in itself, a slang term.

Shiznit:

The stuff, the deal, etc.

Shogakko:

Elementary school.

Shogakkusei:

Elementary school students. I mean, in only follows, right?

Shogunai:

"It can't be helped." The J-way of saying, "sorry, you're fucked!"

Shogunakatta:

Past tense of shogunai.

Shojin ryoori:

Lit. "temple food." Special Japanese vegetarian you'll find at Buddhist temples, emphasizing elements of Buddhism in food form.

Shoppingu:

Shopping.

Shoppu:

Shop. See, it's not so hard, hey?

Shouganai:

It can't be helped/there's nothing to be done about the situation.

SIKE!:

1980's slang for "I tricked you!", yelled at the tricked in a mocking tone.

Skint:

British slang for flat-ass broke.

Slowplayed:

To have played a strong hand weakly, by checking instead of betting or by calling instead of raising. Usually done to win extra bets by keeping more players around for future rounds of betting. Thank you U of A type Jonathan Schaeffer for the definition!

Somen:

A type of Japanese noodle, usually served in a tasty soup.

Souji:

Cleaning/cleaning time.

-Sugoi:

Great.

Sui-yobi:

Wednesday. You should be getting the hang of the yobis now, right?

Sumimasen:

Excuse me/pardon me/sorry 'bout that. One of the handiest and most oft-used expressions in The Japan. Learn it, live it, love it.

Sumo:

You know, those really big fat Japanese guys that wrestle each other? Like in that Weezer video!

Support:

What English people call the opening act.

Tabernac:

The short version of tabernacle, which is essentially the French equivalent of "fuck."

Tacoyaki:

A super-popular Japanese streetfood, consisting of chopped octopus cooked in little balls of batter, served with tons of mayo and dried fish flakes. Taco=octopus, which can be a bit of a surprise if you are trying to order la comida Mexicana.

Taiko:

Japanese drums/drumming.

Taikukan:

Gym.

Takyuubin:

Delivery/courier company.

Tarento:

"Talent" - minor celebrities and personalities that populate the game/talk shows that comprise 90% of Japanese television.

Tatami:

Rice-straw mats that serve as flooring in traditional Japanese rooms. Most houses have at least one tatami room and rooms in Japan are measured according to how many tatami mats they fit or would fit.

Terebi:

Television.

Terebi dorama

TV drama.

'The Bash:

Our nickname for Itabashi-sensei.

The filth:

English slang for police.

The Old Bill:

Slightly-more polite English slang for police.

The River:

The last card dealt in a hand of poker. What Mile End Poker Society members would term "fifth street."

Tomodachi:

Friend.

Tori:

Chicken.

Totemo:

Very. See also cho.

Toyu:

Kerosene.

Tweaker:

Amerian west coast slang for person addicted to methamphetamine, aka speed.

Udon:

A broad noodle.

Unko:

Shit.

Urusai:

Shut up (lit. "[too] noisy/loud!").

Usagi:

Rabbit.

Utage:

I honestly have no fucking idea what "utage" means. Can anyone help me out here? Good fucking alcohol, though. Real tasty, that there utagehol.

Vick:

Victimize.

Vignette:

A short scene (French).

Wa, The:

Harmony. Balance.

Wakarimasen:

"I don't understand." See also wakarinai.

Wakarimashita:

To understand, past tense, formal.

Wakarinai:

The less polite, informal version of "I don't understand." See also wakarimasen.

Wakaru:

The unconjugated form of "to understand."

Wakatta:

The shortened, informal, past tense form of "to understand."

White Day:

A special, Japanese-only holiday invented so that Japanese men could buy Japanese women white gifts and/or chocolate, partially to reciprocate them for having received gifts and/or chocolate on Valentine's Day. Which, in Japan, is when only men receive gifts from women, never vice versa.

WTF:

What The Fuck.

Yakisoba:

Fried noodles, usually with pork or beef and some other stuff.

Yakitori:

Grilled pieces of chicken on a skewer.

Yak:

See yakuza.

Yakuza:

Every country has their own version of the mafia. The Yakuza are Japan's.

Yamasigawa-sensei:

My supervisor's assistant at the Saitama Board of Education.

Yorushiko onegaishimasu:

Sort of a catch-all polite phrase to use when asking someone to do something for you.

Yubinkyoku:

Post office.

Yukatta:

Traditional Japanese summer garment, similiar to a kimono but made of lighter cotton instead of silk. Still just as difficult to put on, though. Or so I'm told.

Yuki:

Snow.

Yuki Matsuri:

Thee Hokkaido Snow Festival. One of the biggest and most famous festivals in Japan. Kind of like the Québec Winter Carnival, but with more snow sculptures and less Bon Homme.