#Sorry 4 late reply I was not in the rp mood and has no motivation

[no-ditches-no-bitches]

𝙄𝙩'𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙖 𝙛𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙮 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬, 𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙚𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙙𝙖𝙮, 𝙨𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖 𝙗𝙞𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙮𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙮𝙨 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙮𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙦𝙪𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙪𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙖𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡, 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙪𝙥 𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤?

(the little girl is Lila, jus to clarify)

@ask-mayfly

Ditch walked over to the edge of the second floor, staring down at the kid and one of his many henchmen. He groaned, glancing away as he rested his head on his hand.

“this is what I get for not investing in a lock..-“

He mumbled

“What the hell is this kid doin’ here, pal-? Lost, or something-?”

Ditch shouted to his minion. He wasn’t a fan of kids.

[ryxji-archive]

Blog Update and... Mun update?

This is mainly a mun rant so... Yeah readmore I guess

So it’s no secret that my activity and especially rp quality has dropped significantly if you compare to how I started out... Well there is a reason for that... It is incredibly personal and petty and stupid but whatever.

I suffer imsensely of a heavy depression backlash. My last year wasn’t... the best to keep it short (also lbr nobody really cares). Lot’s of school issues and stuff and I have heavily reverted back to old, very very unhealthy habbits in the past months. I’m on new medication and now with summer vacation at hand I almost feel... weirdly pressured and overwhealmed. I won’t dwell too much on it (as I believe that nobody gives a fuck about my personal issues), but it has been only enhacing my anxiety here on ryxji. 

I was always someone who would rather rp her own things. I could never understand people saying it’s hard to rp OCs. Yes you have to work double as hard for recognition, but for me it was always a nice thing because it was my own, it was like you know working for myself...

Rping canon muses is something I am a) not used to and b) usually not too comfortable with.

So far I only have rped a handfull of canon muses, while my OC repartour has been up to probably 5 times the count of my canon muses. There are many reasons for that

1. I feel pressured to uphold a standart of quality I can not always provide. There are probably a hundred of the same canon muses around and while everyone is “hey it’s not about competition!” “I don’t mind rping with many of the same muse!” it will always be a challenge. People follow and interact with who they are interested in. If you are one of many it’s not uncommon for people to rp with others than with you, because they deem someone else more worth their time (be it bc they reply faster, have a nicer writing style, prettier aestetics, write much more, etc). I know it can be subtle and unconscious but it happens.

2. Comparrison is a thing. While as stated above competition should not be a thing, it certainly is for me. I have a nature of always comparing to others, as a way of improving, but it is also a majour factor of why I feel alone and insignificant on my blog. With my depression hitting hard lately I have an issue of seeing twinsies that surpass me in many aspects. Of course while they are inspirational and a push to get better, they are also an incredibly unreachable goal for me. And that definitely doesn’t help my mood and motivation.

3. I have personal standarts for quality. Yes I know I talk a lot about how others are the reason I feel uncomfy, but that’s not the issue. It wouldn’t really bother me if I didn’t have this perfectionist view on whatever I do. If I rp a canon muse, I always compare myself to others and try to uphoald “canon”. I want to give the muse I rp justice. I don’t want to make them something they are not. I want to hold true to what the initial creators wanted to depict and that really leaves me in a predicament because I always tend to go into a different direction.

4. Self Pressure is something I suffer from. Just like my impossible standarts, I do have incredible pressure of myself I want to uphold. I tire myself out. I have a perfect picture of how I want this blog to be and if I can not provide that I get frustrated with myself and basically kill off my own motivation. One of those “rules” is that I want this rp blog to be mainly rp related and with the much of personal rants I already put out I feel like I am just making excuses and whining all the time.

5. Service Mentality. It’s not just about standarts and perfectionism. I belive it’s because of my mum, but in regards to myself I have a service mentality. If I have an rp blog, I run an RP BLOG. There is no time for needless mun stuff or anything, just focus on rping and doing what an rp blog does. Keep your pages clean and updated, rp, write starters, do replies, etc. If I can’t do my job it’s no wonder nobody will want to rp with me. If I go to a restaurant and have to wait an hour for my damn soda I do not intend on paying and will leave not coming again. My mind is all I have to do my damn job.

And those are just the points I can think of right now...

And yes, don’t think I don’t know about all this “you’re too hard on yourself!” or “rping is for fun, mii!” I know that well. Very well, but it’s hard to take that mentality when I am just so used to the self sabotage.

When I started off I was almost overwhealmed of the attention I got. I had to actually tell people I am busy and couldn’t respond to them. Now when I am online people see me but they don’t see me... And why? because in the end we only care for those that give back.

Not all your rp partners are your besties and friends. They are aquaintances at best and you want to write with them. You don’t care about their personal life. You do you and they do them. As an attention whore as I am this is very hard on me to be honest. I am like a damn rabbit. If I don’t get loved I will die. But I understand why I am alone

People believe I am too inactive to rp

When I am active it’s very sparse and not quality content

People don’t care because they don’t know me or do not want to know me

there are far better rpers of my muse

I am too “unique” and don’t uphoald ic standarts

I am way too whiney and post too much Mun stuff

Timezones

Reasons why I personally feel pressure when on here?

I want to put out my best (If it’s not perfect it should not be on here)

I get overwhealmed easily by my own pressure and start to sabotage myself

I am clingy, easily getting jealous and petty

I compare myself a lot to others

I want to provide a good service and uphold to my own standarts

I don’t feel as creative anymore as I used to

I grow more and more antsy with the fandom and topics of discourse

Trust me. All I want is fun on here but I can’t really uphold to it right now.

Idk what words to close this on just

I’m sorry I turned out not to be the great rp blog u wanted me to be. I’m really sorry....

I’m sorry