#So take this interlude about nothing that has to do with my blog

[clonedchaos]

Happy Sea Otter Awareness Week! 🎉 🦦

Who knew? It’s Sea Otter Awareness Week!

I’m honored to share a birthday week with one of my favorite animal species, and I wanted to take a bit of time to yap about them— I’m an animal caretaker at heart, what can I say?

So what are Sea Otters exactly? They’re carnivores for one, mostly preying on hard mussels, crustaceans, and even urchins. They’re intelligent enough to use tools such as rocks or their sharpened canines to break open these hardy delicacies. Have you seen the action before? It’s adorable!

Pretty practical for an animal without opposable thumbs, huh?

Speaking of their prey, did you know sea otters are actually known as a keystone species? Kelp forests thrive in the ocean, producing around 50% of the earth’s oxygen! Cool, right? Unfortunately, purple urchins love to chow down on the bases of kelp, causing them to break off and die. These forests provide shelter, oxygen, and food for its diverse species that call it home. Without them, the ecosystem itself falls apart.

Fortunately, sea otters find no problem in having an urchin feast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Sea Otters also lack blubber. Instead, they have millions of tiny hairs clustered together to help them thermoregulate their bodies. Their whiskers, called vibrissae, help them detect prey that they might not otherwise see with their eyes. This is due to vibrations in the water.

Sea Otters also give birth to one pup at a time, given the high demands and dangers of the ocean. Fun fact— the mother will sometimes wrap her pup in kelp like a seat belt and leave to find prey. That way the little one won’t wander off and mom knows they’ll be right where she left them.

The bond between mother and pup is strong. They’ll even take in orphans and raise them as their own in rehabilitation scenarios.

Usually, males stay apart from the females, while the females stay with the pups. Sometimes they’ll aggregate in one area and form what we call “rafts”. They hold hands so they don’t float away from one another. :)

You can typically tell females apart from the males if the otter has scratches on her nose. For some reason, the males typically bite the female’s nose for courtship purposes— definitely not a way to get a girlfriend in our society, but it works for the otters I guess.

Sea Otters spend about 10% of their day— or around 2 hours— rubbing oil onto their fur. This oil is made in their sebaceous glands and is completely natural. It serves to keep their fur water proof; the water rolls right off! Many birds have similar behaviors.

Perhaps the most silly fact I learned about them was that sea otters have “armpit pockets” to store extra food in.

Human adaptations are so lame in comparison imo.

Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be an animal learning session if we didn’t talk about the sad reality of our climate and the planet. Sea Otters are threatened by oil spills, boating accidents, and habitat loss; amongst quite a few others.

With such a rapidly warming climate, toxic algal blooms can spring up on the coasts; in part due to fertilizer runoff entering our oceans. These blooms are toxic to many species, sea otters included. This messes with their neurological functions to the point they forget to do basic necessities to keep themselves alive.

So, do your part to limit your carbon footprint by recycling, eating sustainable fish, using non-chemical fertilizers, keeping our beaches clean, and please DO NOT APPROACH A SEA OTTER!

Yes yes I know they’re adorable, believe me. But it is literally illegal to touch or disturb one. Keep our furry friends safe and admire from a distance.

Enough with the doom and gloom, have some silly little sea otter pictures:

THEY USE THEIR STOMACHS AS TABLES, STOP— 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[thatbadadvice]

Dear Advisor,

I (M 21) have formed a tight-knit friend group in college. Yay! My closest college friends are the members of my ttrpg group, who we’ll call A, B, C, D, and E. A (F 21) and B (NB 22) have been dating for the whole time I’ve known them, about a year. Last year, A, B, and C lived in the same residence hall and were rarely apart. Now that B has graduated, the plan next year is for A and D to be roommates while C, E, and I live in a similar residence hall. I expect to see a lot of B, who plans to find a job and apartment in this town.

B is my friend, so this is *almost* fine. Except that while I like A, and I like B, it is painful to hang out with both of them at the same time. B is a fairly jealous person, and they get very upset and mean when A hangs out with friends without including them. When we get lunch together and the topic turns to an interest of A’s that B does not share, B usually ends up monologuing about how much they dislike the interest. These monologues often turn into teardowns of A as a person that the rest of us awkwardly sit through. A and B have a lot of their fights in public, and they’re mean to each other.

At this point, I’ve seen enough meanness that I don’t consider B a close friend anymore, and I’m wavering on A. I like both of them, but the way they’re willing to treat each other in public, especially the way B treats A, throws up a lot of red flags.

Any good options? I’m worried that if I tell A that I don’t like how B treats her, it’ll torpedo my friendships with both of them. C is A’s best friend, E is B’s best friend, and D is about to be A’s roommate, so it’s not like I can avoid either of them. And I do still like them, especially A. When it’s just the two of us, A is a good friend.

What do I do? I’m tempted to bring it up to our other friends, but I don’t like talking behind people’s backs.

Readers sometimes send Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you’d like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the “ask” form!

What a surprise it is, going on a decade-plus of Bad Advice, to finally have some TTRPG drama on the blog! ("Table-top role-playing games," for the uninitiated.) The Bad Advisor is all too familiar with the Darth Partner/Missing Stair dynamic (h/t Captain Awkward, the Pervocracy) in TTRPG scenarios and it's a real goddamned bummer, because you can mostly scoot away from the DP/MS at a party but when you're stuck at the gaming table with them, woof.

My first inclination, as an old-ass gamer lady, was to simply tell you that B will probably just move the fuck on from your group now that they're graduated and doing non-college things, but that doesn't help you in the moment, and they might not, and frankly DP/MS folks will show up for your entire fucking life if you're a game-type person in many and various modes, and it's good to figure out how you're going to handle them now and get some practice in with not tolerating nonsense in your circle. I'm gonna use some elaborate/belabored RPG metaphors in this response and want to emphasize that it doesn't mean your life is a game! (I also believe TTRPG life is real life, because it's my real life, too!) But you've given me a delightful tableau within which to work.

Your instincts for not just straight-up shit-talking and gossiping about A and B's deal are correct! You will never be able to keep those conversations totally private (nothing that starts in the TTRPG side-chat ever stays in the TTRPG side-chat), and for both A and B, it will suck to inevitably find out that their buds were engaged in such conversations. Is it possible you could safely feel out the other members of the group on the A/B relationship dynamic, as a fact-finding, temperature-taking mission? MAYBE. But it's a very risky maybe IMO, and if you don't love the dynamic, I don't necessarily think you need side-chat validation on this point. You have information the other players may or may not have; you are entitled to act upon it. I think we dispense with C, D, and E. You aren't them, and you can't control what they do or say or feel, and they aren't asking me for advice. But you can model behavior and steer your party!

So. What are you gonna do?

You start by describing B as a friend, but waffle on that some -- you've become less close because you dislike B's treatment of/behavior around A, which is fair! You're allowed to decide, with new information about how B behaves in particular situations, that you don't really like parts of a person, or maybe even that person at all! You don't have to set the whole motherfucker on fire to make your feelings known in a thoughtful, polite, and even kind way; if somebody else (B) blows that shit up, it's on them! They are a whole other person who will act a way in a game/life that you cannot control; the only thing you need to feel good about at the end of your turn is that you did something that was true to you/your character. Because for real, if there's one thing I know about people, it's that telling people to do a thing because you want them to do a thing (such as: "Y'all are miserable and you should split up!") will almost always result in the told-parties doubling down on the opposite of what the telling-party wants them to do. (This is what I do to torture my folks when I am the dungeon-master, because it is what people do!)

Assuming we're talking about garden variety shitty relationship behavior (which is what I think you've described here) and not full-scale abuse in public, I think you have a number of options depending on the situation. I don't mean to suggest that you should accommodate bad behavior; you already know that feels crappy and sows discord and confusion because you're doing it, now, by trying to side-step around the ick. You gotta choose your move depending on where you are on the board.

The next time A and B get into it in front of everybody (during a game, or at the bar, or the coffee shop, or the student union, or wherever), you pretend-roll a charisma check and imagine you got a 15+ and they rolled a combined 3 (because they have??? nobody likes this!!!!), and you say something to this effect: "Hey, A and B? These vibes are not great, can we table this tiff until later?" Repeat as needed! Passive voice/vague antecedents are great in these kinds of situations: "Can folks not get into this right now?"/"Moving on! Let's focus on XYZ!"/"Feels like we're getting off track — can we do ABC instead?"/"Wow! That's kind of awkward and private! Let's not do that here!" If it helps, imagine B is the obnoxious NPC you need to get the bare minimum of compliance out of to continue the game of not blowing up the entire situation. You already have a good bead on what people do when they feel attacked, because you're literally playing games wherein that make-believe happens! People fight back and get defensive! It's a bad scene!

Other people's bad relationships are theirs to solve, so you can treat interactions regarding those relationships as open-ended puzzle games that are not for you to finish. You are the Oracle, not the puzzlemaster. If you get A or B on their own in a safe space where you're not rushed to get somewhere or hungry or otherwise pissy or wanting, why not ask: How does it feel when A/B does that? What would you like to see happen instead when Bad interaction happens? What might you do about that irritating/annoying/weird thing A/B does? Despite what I said in the prior bullet points, your friends are not NPCs, and of course you know this or you wouldn't be asking — they are the main characters in their own lives, and you can neither save nor sink them.

It might be that A and B stay in this weird bad relationship! If it continues to cause bad vibes at the game nights/within your circle, I think you're well within your rights to say, either to one or both of them if they haven't gotten previous messages: "Hey, I like you both, I want to keep doing XYZ fun things with y'all, but this dynamic is actually really, legitimately killing the vibe, because I don't get to see the fun part where y'all make up and feel good about everything, I only see the bad arguing parts and it's just a real downer!" Don't let them off the hook about this! Stand your ground when they come back with "Oh, we're just joking" or "Ah, well, that's just how we are." Okay, they're joking and that's how they are, but it SUCKS TO BE AROUND and if it's not a big deal, they can cut that shit out!

The whole deal blows, and you're in a sorry position to have to navigate it. It just absolutely is a shit situation to have a friend-group whose dynamic is messed up in this way. But you're asking because your interest is in maintaining a collective good-feeling, and I can promise you that skipping the missing stair of A and B's bad vibes (and maybe specifically B's behavior) will absolutely in the long-term result in the precise kind of bad-feeling you're trying to avoid by skating past it today. Resentment, distrust, annoyance, back-channeling — all of the things we build and do to avoid being emotionally honest with people who care about because we think it'll hurt less in the moment, or get better later, or just change, somehow — are also 10000000% guaranteed ways to push us farther apart from the people we love, rather than keep us close and friendly.

Your people will always be your people. You have a wonderful and beloved friend group, and you will lose and add members of your party throughout your life, but you will never lose any people who were supposed to be your people if you commit to being kindly forthright while modeling your needs, boundaries, and appreciations for them. This isn't a skill you pick up once and do automatically forever; it takes work and commitment throughout your life and it's fucking annoying and awkward and so, so worth it.

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching It’s a Terrible Life

Welcome to “Sam and Dean are Just Steps on the Bossman’s Ladder: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

Up today, s4e17: It’s a Terrible Life

Dean Smith works a middle-management white-collar job at Sandover Bridge and Iron, and Sam Wesson is a grunt in the IT department there. Sam thinks something about this life is wrong, and when he runs into Dean he could swear they’ve met before. But Dean brushes him off until employees start dying real weird in the company. When Dean witnesses an IT tech stab himself in the throat during a panic attack over filling out a form incorrectly, he accepts that Sam might be on to something. The two work together to research the company and the deaths, eventually realizing the ghost of the company’s founder is compelling workers to kill themselves if they don’t give Sandover their all. Smith and Wesson dispatch the ghost (after finding some helpful tips online from the Ghostfacers), and eventually Dean’s boss reveals that he is actually Zachariah, an angel who arranged this little interlude for Dean to help him remember that he is and always will be a hunter at heart. Dean doesn’t take kindly to this interference from the angels and promises that one day he’ll stab Zachariah in his face.

Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

Lor: bounces I love this one

Mace: 

it is a good one

he looks so ridiculous in that shirt and tie

Lor:

and I love that this show is like "ep 16: torture, hero almost killed by a demon who tortured him in hell for 30 years. ep 17: alternate universe shenanigans"

mmm. someone should maybe take him out of them

Mace: 

they like to mess with us

Lor:

yep

Mace: 

LOR.

Lor:

wot?

innocent

Mace: 

simmer down

Lor:

NEVER

Mace: 

omg this guy plays such a hilarious weirdo on Psych

Lor:

Zachariah?

Mace: 

yeah

Lor:

omg Dean Smith. you do not need to lose any weight. eat a cookie

kill a ghost

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

LOL Sam's face

Mace: 

SAM IN THAT POLO

Lor:

YES

even Dean Smith makes "no homo" jokes when no one else brought that up pets him go to therapy, baby

Mace: 

it’s crazy to me that Sam is uncomfortable in this fake life but Dean suspects nothing

YEP

Lor:

DID YOU TRY TURNING IT OFF AND THEN ON

yeah it is WEIRD

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

but it fits with his "I can fit in anywhere thing"

Mace: 

hm. I wonder if it’s more “I’m so unhappy in the life my daddy forced me into” thing

Lor:

oh definitely

Mace: 

my god he FITS in that shirt

Lor:

YAAAS

he should really stop being work buddies with this asshole

Mace: 

(omg I am seriously wearing almost EXACTLY that other dude’s outfit right now)

Lor:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT

poor Sam doesn't fit in his cubicle

Mace: 

graphic t with ratty flannel over

Lor:

it is the BEST outfit

Mace: 

oh Sammy, sweets, I’ll nap with you

Lor:

MACE

simmer down

Mace: 

I love how he does NOT fit into that cubicle

Lor:

YES

Mace: 

Dean’s profile. just DAMN, son

Lor:

YAAAAAS

they made him extra pretty this ep and I love that they bothered

Mace: 

he cleans up super nice

Lor:

Dean, you know you have some vampire romance novels under your perfectly made bed

Mace: 

SNORK

“you overshare”

HAHAHA

Lor:

the tiny montages of the workplace mundanities

Mace: 

YEP

“I hope they spank me” this boy is naughty

Lor:

LOL

look, we've all been where he is. no evil ghost needed

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

EW

Mace: 

oh GROSS

SHOULDERS

Lor:

YAS

omg Dean's pretty pretty face. his LIPS

Mace: 

RIGHT?!

Lor:

omg Sam and Dean are both researching it and asking the same questions on their own. i love it

Mace: 

YES

“did you shave?!”

Lor:

lol

"the dash-Rs"

Mace: 

“hey, guy”

Lor:

omg his back in those suspenders

Mace: 

right?

omg EW

Lor:

RIGHT?

i always forget this one has some serious ew horror moments

poor Dean so shook

Mace: 

but not as shook as a normal person, which is kind of awesome

Lor:

the way his voice kinda fails on "neck"

YES

I love the way he just totally took charge with Ian (even though it didn't work)

Mace: 

why did he bring his bag?

yeah

Lor:

security laptop. it makes him feel safe

Mace: 

emotional support laptop

Lor:

YES

"NOT NATURAL"

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"no that would be nuts" HAAAAAHHAHAHAHA poking fun at their own show history

Mace: 

SNORK

Lor:

"some skills I happen to have"

Mace: 

okay settle down, Taken

Lor:

I admire from afar

Mace: 

Dean’s arms in that shirt

Lor:

HEY. SETTLE DOWN

Mace: 

“right?!” BOYS

Lor:

"I am dying to check this out." "Right?" YES

Mace: 

SNORK! Look, I’m always like this. It’s weirder when you do it

Lor:

LOLOLOLOL

Fair enough

Mace: 

your desire to trot at any given moment is, like, lukewarm

Lor:

at best

Mace: 

which is, of course, completely cool - PUN INTENDED - I’m just saying that when you bump it up to hot-trotting, it’s just different

Lor:

LOLOLOL

I get it

Mace: 

whereas my trotting enthusiasm always runs at toasty, minimum

Lor:

except for the GIANT BOWL OF APPLES

eat a food, Dean, I beg you

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

LOL toasty trots

DON'T BE A SNOB DEAN SMITH

Mace: 

right?!

(also, their NAMES)

Lor:

your daddy raised you better'n that

Mace: 

did he, though?

I think you mean Bobby raised him better

Lor:

(YES I am kissing whoever decided to give them OTHER gun names platonically on the head)

Mace: 

(HA)

Lor:

Bobby is his dad in the universe, that's what I meant

Mace: 

omgomgomg

Lor:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA GHOSTFACERS

"instructional videos"

Mace: 

GHOSTFACERS

I forgot they were in here!

Lor:

THIS IS LIKE THE BEST JOKE that they learn how from them who they hate who learned it from them

I LOVE IT kicks feet in glee

Mace: 

YESYESYES

Lor:

nrrrrrf Dean's dumb buttondown tucked into his dumb dress slacks

Mace: 

YES

“yeah now sucks"

Lor:

his portfolio is in the sewer. poor rich baby

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"useless douchebags the Winchesters"

"possibly all states"

Mace: 

HAHAHAHA

Lor:

and Dean's face at the idea of digging up bodies

Mace: 

YES

omg Dean hiding

Lor:

YES

oh man another super gross bit coming

Mace: 

UGH

“…what?” SAM

Lor:

YES

eeeeeeeeew

Mace: 

EWEWEWEW

poor Bean

Lor:

poor sammy

"take the stairs"

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

aw Dean's little swallow

Mace: 

YES

Lor:

"I have no idea"

Mace: 

oh boys

Lor:

hey! stop throwing my Dean around into things!

ooo the teamwork

Mace: 

YES

Lor:

I love that Sam immediately clocks that the way to help Dean is not to help him but to dispatch the ghost

Mace: 

YES

so smart

“that was amazing!”

Lor:

HE HAS A FIRST AID KIT IN HIS OFFICE

pets him

Mace: 

yeah

“how would we live?”

HEALTH INSURANCE

Lor:

"you don't wanna go fighting ghosts without any health insurance" I LOVE HIM

YES

Mace: 

I LOVE that Sam instinctively knows who he is

HE WENT TO STANFORD

Lor:

YES

RIGHT?!

And his family is Bobby, Ellen, and Jo

Mace: 

well, Bobby at least

“you don’t know me, pal” ooof

Lor:

"you should go" sigh

YAS SAM

Mace: 

YAS SAMMY DO IT

Lor:

GOD HIS ARMS

Mace: 

YES

he BENT the poker MY GOD

Lor:

YES

Dean, hold out for your own angel

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

gross

Mace: 

yeah

Lor:

THE WAY THE COLOR DROPS OUT

Mace: 

OMG YES

Lor:

"my GOD am I hungry"

Mace: 

HAHAHA YES

Lor:

trots in with a bag of cheeseburgers and fries and pie

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"gross. no thank you"

Mace: 

“gross” HAHAHAHA

Lor:

lololol Dean

ass clowns in monkey suits

Mace: 

how did they not realize how he would respond to this?

Lor:

his idiolect! I cannot

RIGHT?

Cas coulda told them. No way they ran this by him

Mace: 

nope

daddy issues

he’s not wrong there

Lor:

"I will stab you in your face" AND HE DOES

Mace: 

HAHAHAHA

Lor:

his face journey after "fornicate with women" is something else

look, Dean, I'm here to tell you you can hunt and still have the lattes

Mace: 

HAHAHA YES

and fuck all of them for doing all this to Sammy too but not bothering to explain

Lor:

RIGHT?

Mace: 

and HE’S THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY PASSED THE STUPID TEST

Lor:

like Sam goes from "my brother is beat to hell in a hospital bed" to being mind fucked and then no one bothers to tell him what's up

RIGHT?

Mace: 

so mean. he needs comforting.

Lor:

I think we've talked before about how if they'd given Dean a life HE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE HAD, like running his own auto shop, restoring cars, with either Cassie or Cas, he would have STAYED THERE FOREVER

Mace: 

YEP

[radicalrascals]

Layers

TAGGED  BY:  copied from my old blog TAGGING:  @etxrnaleclipse , @icarian-carrion , @miidnighters , @ofginjxints , @strikersunindie , @rowan-revelry , @saudadexmses , @sirxnx , @rubiesintherough & whoever else wants to x

                 LAYER  001 :   THE  OUTSIDE.

NAME.  William Donovan Talbot | Liam Talbot EYE COLOR.  Amber with specks of green HAIR STYLE / COLOR.   Naturally mouse brown, unruly and curly-wavy if not cut short; which is why he usually wears it short. Every now and then he decides to bleach the fuck outta his hair, too. HEIGHT.  perfectly a v e r a g e 5′9″ CLOTHING STYLE.  Usually a layer-look consisting of oversized band shirt, hooded sweatshirt and leather jacket paired with snug fitted jeans and trainers or boots.  BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE.   His bum His cheeky impish/boyish grin

                 LAYER  002 :   THE  INSIDE.

FEARS.  Not being good enough, abandonment, canines of all sorts, relapsing (blood magic) GUILTY  PLEASURE.   Nothing legal, so I won’t advertise it BIGGEST  PET  PEEVE.   Pet-peeves are for beginners, true drama-queens take full-offense in everything.  AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE.   There are probably a few songs out there he’s looking forward to master on guitar in the future; other than that he’s not exactly one of the planning type. If there’s anything he’s ambitious about though it’s about improving musically as well as magically 

                 LAYER  003 :   THOUGHTS.

FIRST  THOUGHTS  WAKING  UP.   ’Coffeeeee~’ THINKS  ABOUT  MOST.  How to get out of the predicament he’s just landed himself in. Again.  THINKS  ABOUT  BEFORE  BED.  Nothing much or overly specific; he doesn’t have troubles falling asleep, so the time span for pre-sleepy-times-thoughts is usually extremely short.  WHAT  THEY  THINK  THEIR  BEST  QUALITY  IS.   He thinks his best and worst quality is his magic.

                 LAYER  004 :   WHAT’S  BETTER ?

SINGLE  OR  GROUP  DATES.   Single. Group-dates are just hanging out with the mates, there is no such thing as a date if it involves more than two people. TO  BE  LOVED  OR  RESPECTED.  Loved. Even if it meant he was loved by one and respected by none, he’d still choose love. Though he believes respect should be a vital part of any relationship. BEAUTY  OR  BRAINS.   Brains. As in someone like-minded, not necessarily someone of the intellectual kind. DOGS  OR  CATS.   Cats. He fucking fears hates dogs (and he pretty much behaves like a cat, so… duh)

                  LAYER  005 :   DO  THEY…

LIE.   Yep. Every day. Extensively. And he’s pretty much a shit liar when forced to make stuff up as he goes. BELIEVE  IN  THEMSELVES.   Nope. Usually not. Unless he’s high as fuck on magic. Has jumped off a high building with a levitation spell he’s never used before. That sort of misguided confidence is what we’re talking here. BELIEVE  IN  LOVE.  Of course. Everyone he falls in love with is his one true love until, well, he realises they’re not. But he’s out there, somewhere, and one day they’ll meet. WANT  SOMEONE.   Generally speaking: yes; save for short interludes of ‘everyone fuck off and leave me alone’

                   LAYER  006 :   HAVE  THEY  EVER…

BEEN  ON  STAGE.   As a musician, yes, numerous times. (But never anything fancy or big) DONE  DRUGS.   Yes.  GOTTEN  DRUNK.  Yeah. CHANGED  WHO  THEY  WERE  TO  FIT  IN.   He’d never change for anyone, but he’s always looking for somewhere he’d fit in.

                   LAYER  007 :   FAVORITES.

FAVORITE COLOR.   Anthracite grey, nightly shades of blue, black FAVORITE  ANIMAL.   Koalas…? Dunno, I feel compelled to write that FAVORITE  MOVIE.   The Lost Boys and Live And Let Die FAVORITE  GAME.   Guitar Hero at the arcades; doesn’t help much if you know how to play an actual guitar, but he slays this game no less. 

                   LAYER  008 :   SLEEP.

HEAVY  OR  LIGHT  SLEEPER.  Depends: heavy when in the safety of his home, light when sleeping on the streets or at a stranger’s place WHAT  SIDE  OF  THE  BED  DO  THEY  SLEEP  ON.  All the bed. WHAT  DO  THEY  WEAR  TO  BED.   Same what he’s been wearing all day, usually minus shoes and jacket, preferably minus socks, trousers and hoodie as well, naked when in good company. WEIRD  THINGS  THEY  DO  IN  THEIR  SLEEP.  He has an always expressive face, even in his sleep, pulling grimaces and such; also does fucking hog the blanket(s) 

                  LAYER  009 :   LOVE.

BIG  DECLARATIONS  OR  SMALL.   Small but persistently OPEN  OR  CLOSED  OFF.  Always open to (and starving for) love, yet at times reluctant about admitting his feelings LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT  OR  SLOW  BURN.  Affinity at first sight, everything else is a slow burn from there on. ONE  TRUE  LOVE  OR  A  STRING.  One true love; but finding it is a whole different story; besides, Liam is aware what True Love can do to people, knowing that his mum lost hers and she never learned to cope

                   LAYER  010 :   FINISH  THE  SENTENCE.

I  LOVE.  devotedly. I  FEEL.   you | Your heart it sings | I feel you | The joy it brings  ...wait what? I  USED  TO  HIDE.  from the bullies in school before I turned to hexing their arses instead. I  MISS.  having a place person I can call home. I  WISH. I’ll get a chance to righten some wrongs.

[ranknfoul-blog]

Interlude One

As far as what I do is concerned:

Let's say you have a surgical procedure. Now, (goodness forbid), let's say that something bad happens to you during or after that procedure. Let's also say that post surgery, more surgery (called 'intervention') is needed after the fact.

One of three things happen at this point: A sales rep reports that an additional (let's call it a 'revision') procedure took place. We have to report it, both within the company (because honestly, if you keep seeing a consistent failure, you seriously need to know about it because if you keep seeing it, well, you need to fix it. Think of the airbag recalls as an example), and to Regulatory authorities - In the US, that would mean the FDA. You know how starting in 2024 there were a billion recalls on food items ranging from chocolate, to lunch meats, to salads? Yeah, mandated reporting is how that happens for us. I'm not 100% sure, but I think for food items it's likely the public at large (see Thing 2 below) and/ or healthcare professionals reporting to the FDA - because believe me, they both DEFINITELY report things to the FDA. That's speculation on my part. Where I work, speculation when reporting things is strictly forbidden. But this is my blog, damn it, I'll speculate away.

Thing 2: patients self-report to us and/ or a Regulatory Authority (again, in the US, that would be the FDA). And Facebook. And Twitter. And one time, LinkedIn. Or Thing 3 below. Not a great look, if it was something a sales rep should have reported initially. EXCEPT, and this is important, no additional surgery takes place. As an example: I had this surgery a year ago. I've got pain that's worse than the original issue. Nothing has yet been done to fix it surgically, but dang it I'm in distress. A rep wouldn't know about that. The patient definitely will

Thing 3: Lawsuits. Seriously, I don't think you can have a company that deals with anything medical and not have lawsuits (Let me be brutally honest. I don't think you can have a company and not have lawsuits). So it's always a fun surprise getting served with a lawsuit.

So yeah. My job is like a complaints department, if the overseer (Regulatory authority) has a loaded shotgun in their hands is just pacing back and forth behind you.

Here I am, at the time dying of cancer, and I'm STILL loving this!

[paganpoetrywrittendown]

Agnetha's legacy (aka Attack Of The Swedes)

At some point, I will have to write about ABBA. They were the first band i ever got into...i was like 10 or 11. Back then, the fact that they were Swedish was a novelty. Now, being Swedish is no big deal...there's is a virtual Scandinavian invasion afoot. So Attack Of The Swedes, here we go

With Every Heartbeat-Robyn You might remember Robyn from a few years back. She was this short Swedish chick with a Pink-esque look and had some minor hits (i think they both hit the Top 40) with Show Me Love and Do You Know What It Takes. Catchy tunes, yes...but kinda blended into the pop/r&b landscape (although i actually liked the former). And then she disappeared.

Well lo and behold, she's back. Now older, Robyn left the major labels and puts out her own music, using the web and MySpace to promote her music. She was linked up with Max Martin (future Britney Spears svengali) and was irritated that she lost control of her music. So she bailed. Kinda cool. I read about her on another blog...she had a song out last year (although the album is just out in the UK) called Be Mine. Insanely catchy, it should have been an enormous hit. Over skittering beats and massive strings, it's all angst and girlish tears (it opens with the fabulous line "it's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain"...basically she sees her ex-boyfriend with another girl. It all features a fantastic spoken word interlude about the scarf that she gave him and the new girl. Honestly, shoulda been huge. Maybe still will...who knows.

Two other songs worth nothing hit the web. Robotboy (also great pop) and Konichiwa Bitches, which is about 2 minutes long in its original version and featuring a much lauded Trentemoller mix. Both good....

but this....simply gorgeous. Again, it's pop. But its brilliant. It's on the cd as well as being out on a single where its credited to Kleerup featuring Robyn. In any event, she opens the song singing about how she and her love should keep working

maybe we can make it alright we could better sometime maybe we can make it happen baby we could keep trying....

and then, in a moment that i can only call a "Joy Division" moment (i know sacrilege) the song literally sounds like it is lifting up...she sings...."but things will never change, so i don't look back, still i am dyin' with every step i take." And then the beat comes in. And thats it...she just walks away while the song goes on to talk about why the relationship will never ever work and how it hurts "with every heartbeat." Its a beautiful sad song. It reminds me of If You Leave by OMD, I am sure because of the subject matter and the phrase "If you leave, don't look back." Maybe its the companion piece or its her answer. But it has that same feel...surely one of the more beautiful melancholy Number 1's of the 80's. Please seek out this song...its wonderful and charming and cool.

Anyways, you can check it out on www.juno.co.uk or on www.beatport.com or on her website,http://www.robyn.com/index.html and you can check out some of the other songs i mentioned on her myspace site, http://www.myspace.com/robynmyspace

Lose You-Linda Sundblad

Another Swede and another MySpace denizen (http://myspace.com/lindasundblad), where i ran into her. This is a song that you could easily imagine hearing on the radio. It definitely sounds a bit like some of the better selections from Sheryl Crow...it has that casual rock-chick feel. Also, its very summer. Honestly, it reminds me a bit of the 70's...very Fleetwood Mac...i don't know, the chords or the organ sound.

Keeping with the blonde, gorgeous yet dark & melancholic Swedish vein, the song starts out all casual about meeting a boy

Pounding heart on a Saturday night sneaking peeks down my velvet skirt cutie talk not to witty or bright but your beauty was the kind that could hurt l could tell from the look in your eyes l was trigging your insanity l just knew l could see it that...

and then the song goes from a pensive meeting to a much darker and twisted place

...i would lose you, i would lose you from the start

Very Bergman, if you ask me.

Sit Down-Flunk

Ok. Not Swedish. Nobody knows this band. I think like 4 people outside of Norway (1 is me, 1 is Carlos). It's a shame. At the risk of labeling them with an adjective often considered bad, they are often lumped into the chillout genre. I consider them soul music, really.

This is their new single. It's beautiful, pensive, kinda sad sounding. Very late night. Very glass of red wine...you can check it out here....http://flunkmusic.com/personale/

but what i really want to write about is this song

On My Balcony-Flunk 3 minutes and 10 seconds of sexy sexy sexy. Has a vague hip-hop beat and a funky guitar. And that's kinda it, save the languid vocals of Anya Oyen Vister. Anya has a very Scandinavian voice...its hard to explain, but she has that chilly/warm combo that you hear in many artists from that area.

Like i said, the song is very sensual...i'd even say erotic, although not explicit in any sense.

Here comes summer Beaming in through my bedroom window There´s a song on the radio You used to hum back then Here comes summer Still feels fresh as morning air Today I'll just stay here And do, well, whatever I´ll do whatever Please, make summer last forever All I wanna do Is sit here on my balcony And think about you and me And how happy we could be

And thats kinda it. From my perspective, the song is kinda ambiguous. You don't really know if they will be happy, i guess. However, its hopefully, not only in the tone, but i get this image of her on her balcony in the early morning, maybe her lover is still sleeping. Its early, both literally and in the relationship, and she's hopeful that it will always stay just like this. Summer as a metaphor for the beginning part of every relationship, before things get tough (and sometimes end...Linda Sundblad knows its gonna end right from the start)

Find the album Morning Star....you can hear it there. Sexy sexy sexy, i swear.

[conceptalbummultiverse]

WIP Wednesday

I've decided to move all WIP Wednesday posts from my Dreamwidth blog to this one for the time being, at least as long as they're about the Concept Album Multiverse.

It occurred to me today that it's been a week since I finished Part 3 of Strange Fascination: A Love Story, which means it's time to post the Second Interlude, but I'm not done editing that yet. Maybe I'll be able to post it tomorrow. Anyway, for WIP Wednesday, I thought I'd share a section from that Second Interlude, along with a section of Concept Album Extravaganza that roughly corresponds to it, to track the changes that I've made to this story in the last 11 years.

Keep Reading for the excerpts and my explanations of them.

This scene is where American Idiot re-enters the chat, paving the way for the storyline of Part 4. It takes place in a fictional city that I created, Suffragette City (named for the song from the Ziggy Stardust album). In Excerpt 1 (the original story, Concept Album Extravaganza), the protagonist of American Idiot, the Jesus of Suburbia, has been taken to a communal living space by his newfound friend, St. Jimmy. In Excerpt 2 (which is from my current WIP, Strange Fascination: A Love Story), Jesus- called Johnny in this version- has been living in Suffragette City for several months, and this scene describes his feelings on living on his own, as well as reveals his occupation. I also decided that in this version, St. Jimmy is a persona that Johnny consciously adopts, instead of being a hallucination like how I interpreted his presence in CAE.

Both scenes include drug references- hard drug use in CAE, and a drug deal in SF: ALS (if you consider weed to be a drug, anyway). I was... very naive when I wrote CAE, so if you find that scene to be cringe, don't worry, I find it cringe too.

From Concept Album Extravaganza:

        It didn’t take long before the Jesus of Suburbia was all settled into his new home. St. Jimmy had led him into the city, and it was too hard not to follow his compelling presence. The joint that Jimmy had given him was also making Jesus more open to possibilities. He felt more laid-back and relaxed than he had for days. Jesus didn’t quite remember how he got there, or really anything about the city, but he ended up in some burnt out basement underground, surrounded by people. All of them were either smoking or had stuck needles in their arms. Jesus looked to his savior, the St. Jimmy. “Where are we?”

       “Home,” Jimmy said. “You’re out of the suburbs, kid.” Jesus took slight offense to Jimmy calling him a kid, when he couldn’t have been that much older than he was, but said nothing. “You’re in the city.” He led him through the mass of bodies. Somewhere, a radio was blaring, and the singer howled over a fierce, driving guitar. Jimmy pushed Jesus onto the floor. He landed on a dirty mattress and lay there, looking out at the people. Some of his wits were beginning to come back to him after the marijuana high. “Is it safe here?”

        St. Jimmy snorted. “This is the safest damn place in the city.” He slipped back through the crowd, and Jesus sat up, his head spinning with all the smoke in the air. No one in the room looked directly at him, or at anyone else. They spoke in grunts, avoiding each other’s eyes. Jesus pressed his back against the wall and suddenly wondered- what had happened to Tunny? Had he made it to the city like Jesus had, or had he gone home? Or had the police gotten him?

       A shudder of anger ripped through Jesus as he thought of the police. Fucking authority figures…         

        Jimmy returned to Jesus’s mattress with two injector needles. He offered one to Jesus and plunged the other into his arm. “Ahh…” Jesus stared in a stupor at the needle in his hand, which Jimmy noticed. “Don’t say you’ve never shot heroin before.” Jesus shook his head. Jimmy sighed. “God! Here, I’ll do it for you.” And the needle entered his vein, spewing its poison into his system.

        In school and everywhere else, Jesus had always been taught that drugs were bad. They would destroy you, everyone said. But neither marijuana nor heroin seemed to be that bad to Jesus. In fact, they were helping him feel better. All of the anger and pent-up frustration that Jesus had been experiencing over the last few weeks was washed away. He no longer felt like exploding- in fact, he felt better than he’d ever felt before.

        “God,” he gasped, lying back next to Jimmy on the mattress. “It’s like Novocaine.”

        Jimmy nodded. “This stuff is better than air, kid.” They fell silent as the drugs worked their magic, and Jesus enjoyed every second of it.

From Strange Fascination: A Love Story:

       It was hard to believe that the Earth was dying when you were living for the first time in your life. So ran Johnny’s thoughts as he gazed upon the city streets from his tenth-floor apartment. If he were anywhere else in the world, perhaps he wouldn’t have held such a strong opinion, but Suffragette City did wonders in wiping the memory of curfews and power restrictions, hoarding and patrolling, all the news reports that his mother had regularly viewed. From the way the talking heads had harangued and fearmongered, Johnny had half-feared that he’d arrive in Suffragette City to find it a destitute husk of what it once had been. However, his anxieties couldn’t have been further from the truth. Suffragette City teemed with life and glowed with neon, its denizens either scrambling from point A to point B or throwing up their hands and surrendering to the chaos. Whether a person chose to toil from dawn to dusk, or decided not to give a shit, the city welcomed them with open arms. It was the perfect place to take up residence on the brink of an apocalypse, and Johnny had done just that.

       It did kind of suck that he had to stick it out alone. As a police siren splintered the air from beyond his window, Johnny’s thoughts turned to the one who’d left him behind, and a frown emerged on his face. Once they’d gotten settled in Suffragette City, he and Tunny had split the rent at their new place, until one day Tunny decided to split in general. A world beyond Florida was tempting him, he’d explained. He’d always wanted to travel, and if this was to be his last to do so, he had no choice but to take it.

       Johnny hadn’t understood why Tunny would want to leave Florida, since, according to those news reports, Florida was practically the only place in the US where you could still do anything, but he’d respected his choice and sent Tunny off with an encouraging word and a pat on the back. It wasn’t long after that that business had picked up, saving him from having to make excuses to his landlady in order to put off paying the rent. But it wasn’t Tunny’s income that Johnny missed the most– it was his company, the knack he had for knowing what to say at the right times, and how to make Johnny laugh. After living on his own for two months, Johnny still hadn’t met anyone who could replace him. Although he could think of a pretty good candidate.

       Speaking of which… Johnny turned from the big sign plastered across the building next door that read DRINK COCA COLA IN BOTTLES to stare at the clock ticking away on the opposite wall. He heaved a sigh, his shoulders settling, and removed the cigarette from his mouth to stub it out. It was time. If he didn’t get going now, he’d miss his appointment. And since Tunny had taken the car, the only way to move forward was to hoof it. Fortunately, pedestrian travel did have one significant perk.

        Leaving his cigarette smoldering in an ashtray on the windowsill, Johnny took the time to draw down the blinds, kick aside a crushed Pepsi can, and retrieve a well-worn sign that he’d made with the help of a single Sharpie. As he passed the sink, his eyes narrowed. If he tried to pile any more dishes into it, they’d all come toppling down. Not for the first time, he considered calling his landlady to help repair the dishwasher, and not for the first time, he reminded himself that he didn’t want any repairmen poking around while he may or may not be at home. If they found his stash, it would be game over. Better get paper plates the next time you’re at the store.

       When Johnny opened the door, the sight of a person standing before it nearly caused him to spit out the gum that he’d just popped into his mouth. He recovered himself before he could, chewing vigorously. The guy took a step back, his half-raised arms falling awkwardly to his sides, as if he’d just been about to knock on the door. He was a skinny guy with very little hair and a pair of smudged glasses, someone to whom Johnny vaguely remembered selling before. 

       “Jimmy,” he said. “Are you, uh… You got any…” 

       “Dude.” Hastily Johnny spat his gum into his palm and affixed it to the back of the sign, before slamming the sign against the door. He gestured exaggeratedly in its direction, his thumb out. “Can’t you read?”

       The man’s mournful eyes shifted to take in the words on the sign, penned in all caps– OUT. BE BACK SOON. It took him a few seconds, the time it could have taken for Johnny to light up another cigarette, before it sunk in.

        “You’re here now, though!” 

       “Not for long.” Johnny gave the door an irritated tap. “Hence… the sign…”

       “C’mon, man.” A note of pleading had entered the man’s voice. Again his hands rose, and again they fell to his sides. “Don’t jerk me around. I just wanna get high.”

       Although Johnny was pretty sure that it didn’t matter what the man said, given that he suspected half the residents of this building were drug dealers, he fired off a death glare nonetheless out of principle. “If I sell to you, will you shut up?”

        The man nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat like a buoy on a lake. “You have my word!”

        “Okay.” Johnny crossed his arms. “But you gotta pay extra for interrupting me on my way out the door.”

       Fortunately, the man happened to have enough cash, and after Johnny had counted it up, he went back inside his apartment. It had taken him a while to figure out where to discreetly stash the product that he sold, until one day he realized he’d been staring it in the face for the past hour. He dragged a chair across the floor– one of his few pieces of furniture that hadn’t been left behind when the previous tenants moved out; he’d found it on the side of the road instead– and hopped up on it, reaching towards the wall clock. It took no time for him to unscrew the clock’s hollow back and pull out a baggie, his product already sealed within it. 

        Back in the hallway, the man lit up before Johnny had even handed over the baggie. “Thank you!” Instead of taking it, he reached out to squeeze Johnny’s hand.  “You’re a saint, Jimmy.” His eyes shone with such pathetic sincerity that Johnny had to look away from him. His skin prickled. It was just pot. He wasn’t trying to change anyone’s life with it or anything– he was just trying to survive. 

       If you’re SO grateful, why don’t you get my fucking name right…

       “Don’t bother me again,” Johnny muttered, letting go of the man’s hand and pushing him away. Still half-dazed with gratefulness, the man nodded and took his leave, moving jerkily as if he were a marionette controlled by an incompetent puppeteer. Once he was well out of sight, Johnny locked the door and headed down the hallway. Fervently, he crossed his fingers that the man’s interruption hadn’t ruined his chance to make a detour before his appointment.

[an-inbetween-place]

13. Annual Return?

6:45 AM

Can we have a brief interlude for how absolutely shite (lol shes obsessed with that right now) the tumblr editing UI is? This teeny tiny little module that pops up ... we simply do not love it. I’ll bet we won’t even be seeing the same UI the next time we post but more on that later...

Anyways -- here we are, jet lagged after our 2 week trip to SE Asia (Bangkok, Krabi, Hanoi, Hoi An, HCMC just because future Jess will inevitably forget) and just in such a weird place emotionally. (There is no room for pretty prose right now).

Here, on this winter-y morning -- where it’s already past when I used to be on the Auburndale LIRR track, waiting for that cold rush of air that signified that I was on my way to Stuy and yet another day of routine was about to begin; the sky is still grey and dark and I’m sipping on a coffee, burning a candle and throwing my Haven onto it’s brightest possible setting (now that’s a purchase that might not be around - or used, rather - when the next post comes out but the vibes are just too good to return). 

I can hear the city coming alive around me - the clanging of the elevator, the rush of the cabs outside and the apartments across the way slowly illuminating. I do love and relish the moment the city wakes up; going from the rare quiet and serene city (lol would anyone who didn’t grow up in the city agree with me that the city @ 4-5 AM is ‘serene’) to the ‘hustle and bustle’ of people getting up, speed walkers on their way to the train with coffees in hand, delis and carts running through orders like nobody’s business. 

However, I feel rushed and anxious - like I need the cover of darkness to get all my thoughts out. Like I can’t be vulnerable in the daylight. Like I’m racing against the sun and as always, fighting a losing battle. Like my fingers and words are failing me with their lack of speed. Like I’m taking an exam and my thoughts are sticky and moving through honey.

And on that note, we should really just get into it. It’s the elephant in the room -- and I guess keeping in tradition, we should stick to initials on this blog. Good ole D. DRZ if you will. I cannot fathom a day that I do not remember this man’s name but if my brief scroll through this blog tells me anything, that day may come one day. (Well, I doubt I won’t remember his name fully, but it’ll be a foggy memory).

I’ve been saying this and stewing in it but I should say that I really did get what I wished for. For two whole years (and the last post commemorates it), all I’ve been saying is that I want something. Anything to make me feel something. Anything so that I don’t feel apathy and nothing more than a faint wave of sadness for a few hours over someone saying goodbye forever. Anything to make me fully understand the heartbreak songs and the crazy movies and everything in this godforsaken relationship obsessed media (holidays are not a fun time to be struggling with this).

I just saw something on Instagram that may have prompted this post. A joke about how with situationships, all they do is prepare someone else for a relationship with the next person. I suppose LI guy (S...XYZ? we cannot remember his last name for the life of us.. and that tells the audience enough really) would agree. 

I gotta get a move on - I see the sky lightening through the (white lol that was a terrible idea) curtains and my mom just called me. I need to move out of this headspace and get back into my normal business bich/empty head bich mood.

I’m being dramatic really - and that’s totally fine, we support our dramatic queens. Nothing has happened, but it’s just all in the water. We never were in a real relationship but we’re about to have our break up conversation. I can picture it completely -- I’m going to ask for more (as I have been) and he’ll let me know that he can’t give me what I want. The only shift here is that this time, I won’t respond with ‘okay’. It’ll be a ‘okay, I think we should stop seeing each other then’. And even typing that breaks my heart a little.

I think it’s the fact that he won’t fight for me that is the heart wrenching part.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but I really want to be.

I suppose I should be all manifest the future you want and sending good vibes into the ether but I know that’s a fool’s mission.

I suppose that’s all I have left in terms of a defense mechanism --  the whole you expect nothing so you aren’t disappointed situation.

Who would have thought? A simple party for a friend of a friend, coming off of a weird situation with a coworker (lol A... what a time that was) and several drinks in... and we’d find ourselves here -- 6 months later. 

Not to silver line everything but this entire situation just demonstrates what little I had with everyone I thought I did have something with - LI guy, MS, S (BW one.. I forgot his last name which is a positive thing IMO), and the countless other 2/3 week dudes that I’ve cycled through.

I can’t even pinpoint why I like him -- I suppose I just enjoy spending time with him. He makes the time go by so easy -- it forever will remind me of that song ‘Loving You is Easy’. Not that I love him, but I can finally see what those lyrics are about.

It’s insane really - I want to talk to him all the time, I want to see him all the time, I want to wake up next to him and go to bed next to him - to start our days together and end them together. I want to travel together, to explore new places and have new experiences. I want to drink just a little too much together and think about nothing for a while. I want to feel safe and secure and wanted and loved and everything! I just want everything together.

Even typing that.. after the last few weeks, I haven’t even let myself think those thoughts - much less relish in them.

I know I’m falling for the classic girl move (also something I saw on Instagram... can the algorithm let a girl LIVE?). The whole, do you like him OR do you simply like the possibility of him? Everything you imagine with him?

Regardless, I want to acknowledge all of that. I want to acknowledge the good that we had, the reason for all the tears and heartbreak and angst. For all the glasses of wine and pining to the girlies.

It feels like pressing on the wound but I want to go through all the fun times we had. The somewhat insane night at the Canary Club that led to Maru. The countless number of bottles of wine we made our way through and my sheer surprise over the number of hours that pass whenever we’re together. My birthday. The hours we have spent on the phone. 

I struggle with recalling those things which may be a positive sign after all.. the body’s defense mechanism coming in strong.

Not to be vengeful, but I hope he’s sad. I hope I’m more than just a blip for a few hours and then he’s back on tinder.

And just like that, my coffee cup is cold and empty and I can hear the clanging of the garbage trucks outside. The cloudy winter light is coming in -- dark and grey and yet too illuminating for me to continue this really.

I suppose the last thing - and the main thing I wanted to get down earlier... I want so badly to relish in this in between place. This grey area of having something and not. This urge to be happy with what I’ve got even though it’s not entirely what I want - but at least it’s somewhat!

I know that’s a cowards move.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that has been my position since October (the infamous pre-Spain date lmao).

I’m nearly shocked by how many times I’ve cried in with/over this man. I mean the number is like 3 but still.

And I know that I cannot be happy with this. It’s a disservice to myself! To my original goal.

I know all of this and it’s still so hard. 

I guess I just really want someone. And at least in this moment right now, I want it to be DRZ.

Now that’s a line that future Jess will definitely cringe over...

7:38 AM

EDIT - 7:41 AM

As I was scrolling through this blog - something caught my eye... something about peach picking/hiking upstate. 

And an irrational anger overtook me - I mentioned it how many times to DRZ and did we go? Never. I mentioned going to a sports bar and watching a game and did we go? Never. And he had to gall to mention that that was something I wanted to do and asked me how it went when I did!

Good riddance. 

I should ride this high all the way to the conversation.

The gorlies are right - let that MAN-GO. You can do so much better.

7:43 AM

[wardenparker]

You’re So Vain - Chapter 2

Dieter Bravo x female Reader Co-written with @absurdthirst​

Oscar winning star Dieter Bravo’s reputation is suffering after the debacle of “Cliff Beasts 6″ and “Beasts of the Bubble”, so his management team has signed him on to a publicity stunt to find his soulmate and show the world a softer side of the erratic and unpredictable star. The plan quickly go awry, though, when Dieter’s soulmate wants nothing to do with him.

Rating: Teen. But this blog is *always* 18+ Word Count: 8.9k Warnings: *Blanket warning for chronic illness, cursing, and deceased family members. This is a Dieter fic, folks, so there absolutely will be discussions of drugs, drug use, and addiction.* Enemies to lovers, family hardships, mention of age gap, medical debt, financial problems. Summary: You are nothing like Libby or Dieter could possibly expect - but it turns out that Dieter might be like entirely like you expected, either.  Notes: When we conceived this particular soulmate pairing, *this* was the chapter we talked about, and I’m so excited to see what you guys think as we start to dig into the story!

Ch 1

The ringing of the phone is never the way that Dieter likes waking up. His head popping up from the mountain of pillows that he was using to try to block the fucking sun out of his face and peering around with one eye open. Groaning when the ringtone "Little Red Corvette" blares again and he grapples for the device. Hitting the answer button and holding it near his head. "What the fuck, Libby? It's seven." He huffs into the phone, not even bothering to greet his manager. It's too early for niceties.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Libby is already three coffees deep and sitting in her office surrounded by a mountain of paperwork that she's spent the last two days negotiating after a previous two days of authentication, and it's finally time to deliver the news. "Get up and get yourself presentable, Dee. We found your soulmate!"

"What?" Dieter hadn't honestly expected them to find whoever it is. "Who? I mean, are you sure? You verified it? It's not some fucking crazy fan who tattooed my shit on their body?"

"We verified and authenticated everything." She promises him, noting the interest in his voice and the small note of what might be hope. "She's got all your ink, of course, but also the scar on your leg. Apparently, she got it learning to shave her legs when she was a teenager." Libby chuckles. "We all had an incident like that. It checks out. So, get up and take a shower and put on your best, because she's just an hour away in San Juan Capistrano."

"She?" It honestly intrigued him over the years, whether his soulmate was a woman or a man. He's had plenty of liaisons and romantic interludes with both. "I— so close?" He asks, shaking off the fog of sleep and sits up and reaches for the pack of cigarettes but then decides against it. "What does she do?" He wonders why she hasn't come forward earlier, basking in the exposure of his celebrity.

“She’s a high school art teacher.” That had been a pleasant surprise, and when she had dropped the information on the rest of his team, they had all had the same immediate thought as her. “She’s more than ten years younger than you, I’m sure you’ll be excited to hear that. And she lives with family, so I’m sure any place you take her on that grand first date will be absolutely thrilling.”

"I don't care about age." He huffs, rolling his eyes even as his interest is piqued by her being an art teacher. "You've got the date set up, right? I don't actually have to do anything."

“Of course I do.” The whole team, Dieter included, desperately needs this all to go off without a hitch so there was no way in hell that they were leaving any date planning up to Dieter. It will be public, it will be romantic, and even his clothes have been picked out for him. “Is there anything else you want to know about her ahead of time, or do you want to be surprised?”

"I'll just find it out." Dieter groans as he pushes out of the bed and stretches. "It'll look more authentic since everything is supposed to be filmed or 'conveniently' papped." He tells her as he walks into his large bathroom to start the shower.

He’s right, and Libby shrugs her shoulders. It makes things a hell of a lot easier that this woman lives in Southern California. That had been a happy convenience. “I’ll be by to get you in an hour.” She tells him. “We’ll go over some things and then we’ll drive down to meet your soulmate!”

"What am I supposed to wear?" He demands, not particularly looking forward to this. He leans over the sink and looks at his reflection, narrowing his eyes at the crow’s feet that are looking deeper. Maybe he should look into Botox, or something natural. Smooth out some of the wrinkles.

“Blue linen shirt, a pair of your good Polo jeans, and white shoes. Not just ones that were white when they left the factory, ones that are white now.” Libby knows his wardrobe like the back of her hand. Better than her own soulmate’s. She’s had an outfit picked out in case he asked or picked something awful. “And put some product in your hair, okay, Dee? The curls are a good look for you.”

"Fuck....you're gonna make me wear a belt too, aren't you?" He huffs, rolling his eyes and walking to his closet. He has clothes, a lot of them actually, but he prefers the comfortable stuff. He ignores the designer suits he's acquired over the years and moves to the jeans and linen shirts.

“Yes, you have to wear a belt.” She laughs at his petulance, letting it roll off her shoulders because everything is going so well. “I could always rescind the white shoes decision and make you wear loafers or dress shoes. I know you would love that.”

"Fuck. I'm hanging up!" Dieter tells her, pressing the red button and tossing the phone down onto the counter. "Fuck." He hisses, looking into the mirror again. "I guess it's time to meet my soulmate." He mutters to himself, wondering how you are going to react to him showing up in your life.

******

Southwind Court in San Juan Capistrano is a relatively typical suburban street. There are kids out on bikes and neighbors in their gardens when the sleek, black car and nondescript SUV pull up to number 33115. The house is set back a little from the street with a sunken front door, sporting an herb garden in the front and a little front porch where a little girl’s tricycle sits proudly in the shade waiting to be ridden. A hand painted ‘Welcome’ sign in shades of blue offsets the otherwise unremarkable front door, and there is not a soul in sight as Libby ushers the two camera men she brought and their small steady cams into place. This is being live-streamed on Dieter’s website for the world to see and the angles need to be perfect.

Climbing out of the SUV, Dieter wishes he had a fucking drink. Something, especially since Libby had been serious about no drugs when he got out of rehab this time. He scrubs his hands on his jeans and puts on a confident smile, faking what he doesn't feel. HIs hair is styled, his scraggly scruff trimmed and looking neater than usual, and he feels like he is about to twitch out of his skin. "This is it?" He asks, surveying the house. It's nice. A slice of suburbia.

“This is it.” She reminds him of your name quietly just in case there are lurking neighbors, and ushers him up to the front door. She knows with confidence that you will be the one to answer the door despite living with other people, and she waves a hand at it. “Show time, Dee.”

Dieter clutches the flowers in his hands, they are supposed to be your favorites. Not that he actually knows that, he was just told to give these to you. He wipes his hand on his jeans and gives the camera a grin. "Nervous." He admits, not acting for that. "Meeting my soulmate is something I've looked forward to for a long time." He adds before he blows out a breath and rings the doorbell.

******

“Are we expecting someone?” You’ve been up for maybe half an hour now, just long enough to take a half-assed shower and throw on some clean clothes and graciously accept a cup of coffee from Steph before she tries yet again to grapple her daughter into the Mary Poppins Game, aka cleaning up all her damn toys.

Stephanie glances at the clock, trying to hide her own giddy sense of anticipation. "Oh! Uh, I think it might be the grocery order?" She offers. "I put it in last night, so we didn't have to go out unless we wanted to." It's a complete lie, but she needs you to not be suspicious when you open the door. "Will you get it while I finish up with stubborn?" She asks, nodding towards where Nora suddenly decided to organize all her doll clothes.

“Oh, cool. Auntie’s stayin home today.” You had planned on running the errand for Steph so she wouldn’t have to balance groceries and her four-year-old, but this is definitely better. Heading down the stairs from the second floor, you leave your coffee mug in the living room and walk through to the front door without a second thought.

When you open the front door, though, it’s like entire world pivots, flipping you upside down to drop you on your ass all in a split second. What the fuck is HE doing— the half-formed thought pings in your brain as he starts to open his mouth and it hits you like a freight train.

Stephanie is going to fucking pay for this.

You’re not entirely sure what you meant to say when you opened your mouth, but what came out was a sudden, sharp, “Fuck you, Bravo!” As you slammed the door in his face.

“Stephanie!” The second the door is shut you’re screaming again, but this time the angry is directed at the one person you trusted most in the world. “Stephanie! Tell me you did not do this!” The tears are a surprise, but they are hot and angry and definitely there.

Dieter's mouth drops open, eyes wide in shock. He had not expected that kind of reaction. Looking over at Libby and gawking for a moment before she elbows him in the side. The cameras are still rolling, live streaming this latest embarrassment. He huffs and chuckles and looks over at the camera with what could only be described as a roguish grin. "I see my less than sterling reputation has precedes me." He quips and turns back to the door to ring the doorbell again, face dropping into a frown.

“Auntie Gigi said a bad word!” Nora gasps, looking up as her mother scrambles to her feet.

“Yes, she did, baby.” Steph sighs. “Why don’t you stay here and play while I go find out why.” She doesn’t wait for an answer, closing Nora’s bedroom door behind her as she all but bolts for the stairs. “Honey, open the door,” she begs, hustling through the living room. “Just let him in and I’ll explain.”

“I can’t believe you did this.” The utter betrayal on your face would melt stone, the anger and hurt boiling behind your eyes. “You know I never wanted to meet him.”

“You think you don’t.” Steph gestures to the door again. “But he’s your soulmate. Just let him in. You might be surprised.”

“I—” You tug at your sleeves, that age old nervous habit meaning more than every right now. “We are having a conversation you will not enjoy later,” you tell her flatly before you turn around again. Wiping your tears on the edges of your sleeves, you square your shoulders and take a deep breath before opening the door again. “Turn off the cameras.” Is the first thing out of your mouth, and you say it to the woman behind him. “Turn off the cameras, put them back in your cars, and then come in.”

Dieter frowns, turning and looking at Libby. This is not the reception that he had expected. This woman supposedly reached out to his team? To Mate Marks? “Lib?”

Libby nods to the camera guys, waving them off with pursed lips before she looks back at you. “Your sister-in-law decided to surprise you.” She guesses, thoroughly displeased with that development.

“Yeah, she did.” It takes concerted effort to step aside, but once the cameramen are gone you hold your word and let the two remaining people standing your doorstep into the house.

“This isn’t what’s supposed to happen!” Dieter hisses, glaring at his agent. “You said this was supposed to improve my image.”

“It’ll be an amusing anecdote in no time.” Libby promises him, hoping she sounds sure of that. Because she definitely isn’t. “Listen.” You cross your arms and clear your throat, trying for stern but probably not hitting it. “I don’t know what was promised, but it wasn’t by me.”

“Obviously.” Dieter frowns, furrowing his brow at you and wondering what in the fuck makes you hate him. “What did I do to you?” He thinks about it and his eyes widen slightly. “Was it the tattoos?” He asks before another thought hits him. “Shit— could you— you didn’t experience my OD, did you?”

“I gave up trying to get rid of your tattoos after the first one.” The little flower behind your ear had been painful to receive and painful to have lasered off, not to mention expensive. “The fact that you went for a giant—” From the corner of your eye you look at Steph and sigh. “Fudging triangle on your arm after that showed me how little regard you had for the person who shared your marks.” When the two intruders look at you like you have just grown three extra heads you shrug. “We have a four-year-old in the house. Bad words are off limits.”

“Oh.” He bites his lip and looks around, trying to find the kid. The signs were obvious, but he had been trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. “You have a kid?” He asks.

"My niece." You motion toward Stephanie who looks appropriately guilty a few feet away. "My brother died two years ago of Covid. Stephanie - uh, my best friend and my brother were soulmates. So, Auntie stepped up when Dad got sick."

“Oh shit— uh, shoot.” He bites his tongue and Libby’s jaw drops open at Dieter’s attempt to rein in his foul mouth. “I’m sorry.” He winces, directing the comment towards Stephanie. “I know that sucks.”

"Thank you." Steph nods vaguely, used to absorbing people's sympathies fairly consistently since Shawn died. That's just part of what being a widow is. "Why don't you guys talk? I'm going to go check on Nora and I'll come back down in a few minutes."

The flowers Dieter was supposed to hand you are hanging by his side and he brings them up to offer to you again. “Do you want these?” He asks.

You have a sense that he might be as blindsided by all of this as you are but in different ways, and you find yourself nodding slightly and reaching to take the flowers from him while studiously avoiding actually touching him in any way. "Let's go in the kitchen," you offer, not checking to see if they follow you as you cross the floor to the place where coffee lives and a vase is most likely to be found for the (admittedly pretty) zinnia flowers.

Dieter drifts behind you, letting Libby pull ahead of him as he makes his way to the kitchen. Ego slightly bruised by the reception he received. Even if he hadn't wanted to meet you, argued against it, it was insulting the way you had just hurled 'fuck you Bravo' at him and slammed the fucking door in his face. Plenty of people would want to be with him, had tried to convince Libby they were his soulmate, and he was stuck with someone who fucking hated him. "Are we sure?" He asks Libby again when he makes it into the kitchen, looking over at you where you were putting the flowers in a vase and watering them.

Libby sighs, short and staccato like a hrrumph and nods slightly. “Her sister-in-law is the one who contacted us,” she admits quietly. A fact that she had considered need-to-know for Dieter before this. “We’ll spin this and make it work, Dee. I promise.”

“What do you want from me?” You can hear them whispering - he might be quiet but she’s too forceful for that - and frown again as you pull three clean coffee mugs and the sugar bowl out of the cupboard. “Why look now. What’s the angle?”

"I'm ready to settle down." Dieter quips, the comment sounding more like a question than a statement and he watches your back while you pour coffee, something he would sell his fucking soul for right now since he can't have a little toot like he really wants. "Why didn't you?" He asks. "Look for me. Or you know, get in contact with me since you obviously knew."

Annoyed at the implication that you’re in the wrong for leaving him alone, you pull open the button at the cuff of your shirt and tug the fabric up to reveal the ludicrously oversized triangle tattoo that he put on your arm. The first time he or anyone beside Steph has seen the marks on your skin in years. “It was impossible not to know. But you seemed to be perfectly content in the life you’ve been living and I have no desire to be reduced to tabloid fodder for the rest of my life, so I kept my mouth shut. No one knows except Steph and my parents. I keep my marks covered.” As if to prove it, you rebutton your sleeve before setting all the things they’ll need for coffee in front of them. “My niece doesn’t even know I have tattoos.”

"They aren't that bad." Dieter scoffs, shaking his head and crossing his own arms, sleeves rolled up to show off the tattoos and the assortment of bracelets that he insisted pulled the outfit together and made it interesting rather than boring. "You even cover up the hand tattoo." He huffs when he spots your left hand.

“Make up.” You tell him, Instinctively covering the spot with your other hand. “My students would recognize it.”

"Fans?" He smirks slightly and then remembers that you don't want people to know that you are soulmates with him, making that look slide off his face.

“Some of them.” You’ve definitely had to remind yourself not to be overly harsh when grading portraits of him as unit projects before. Those are usually the days that you come home from work and don’t say a word besides playing with Nora or reading her a story. “But look, you didn’t answer me.” Leveling your gaze back on the woman who came in with him, you ask again. “What do you want from me?”

"Dieter wanted to find his soulmate." Libby answers for him, pulling out a chair at the table and sitting down as if it were a conference room table. "Obviously Mate Marks was wildly interested in having one of Hollywood's Oscar winning actors endorse them if you could be found through their services."

“Okay, that’s why you did it, but again not the actual answer to my question.” Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you’re not going to be a neglectful host, and the tray of banana chocolate chip muffins you made yesterday is uncovered and set in the middle of the kitchen table. “I assume you want me to do something? Something public?”

Dieter's eyes light up at the sight of the chocolate chips, and he immediately reaches for one. "Date me." He answers, breaking one open and popping it into his mouth, only to roll his eyes and groan in pleasure. He loves sweets and the dark chocolate mixed with semi-sweet chips hits just right since he hasn't eaten anything today.

It’s just two words, but you actually deadpan stare at him in borderline horror and panic. “I—wha—? No.”

He swallows the muffin and Libby rushes to try to reason with you. "Just a few 'getting to know you' type things." She assures you, knowing that once the initial interest has worn off, they can either convince you to continue on or just keep comments about his soulmate to a minimum. Libby starts explaining her plan and the agreement they have with Mate Marks, and Dieter loses interest in this part of the conversation, looking around for something to pique his interest. The thick stack of bills off to one side that is stamped with bright red 'Overdue' and 'Urgent' do. Twisting his head to the side to read what it's about.

As a business venture, the whole thing is very sound. A few public dates, a few high-profile appearances - a half dozen in total. They’re offering to buy you clothes and they’ll provide you with a driver for every event. A member of Dieter’s security team will be assigned to you if necessary. It all sounds like a huge headache that you don’t want for a man you have no interest in knowing. “Look, I appreciate that you went through a lot of work for this stunt.” You tell them, even though he isn’t listening. “But the answer is still no.”

“What are these?” Dieter asks, picking up the thick stack of bills and nosily starting to riffle through them. There are a lot. Some for a man - the oldest ones, but a lot of them are for a Nora.

“None of your business is what they are!” The horrified look on your face when you see what he’s holding is very plain, and you snatch them out of his hand immediately. “That’s—I can’t—I—” The medical bills from Shawn’s treatment are still outstanding, piling up with Nora’s bills and the mortgage payments. They’re none of his fucking business and the fact that he’s snooping just reinforces how rude you’ve always thought he is. “Please leave.”

“Okay. Okay.” Dieter holds his hands up, standing up and dropping them back down so you don’t see the three papers he had tucked into his pocket. There was a lot of money owed. A shit ton and he wanted to look at them more closely. Have Libby look into it. “We’ll go.”

“It was interesting meeting you.” Is the only thing you can think to say to him at the door, too agitated and angry and upset with the whole thing to try to be less transparently polite-but-not-nice. Once the door is shut behind him you can feel the walls crumbling fast, and before you realized you were even moving you’re standing in the doorway of Nora’s room with a drawn frown pointed at the woman who claims to be your best friend. “We need to talk.”

Stephanie bites her lip and smiles down at Nora, looking confused between the two adults. It’s not often that mommy and Aunt Gigi argued and feels her tummy flip unpleasantly. “Okay.” Steph agrees. “Mommy’s going to go talk to Aunt Gigi, you want to watch cartoons in my room?”

“Uh huh…” Nora nods, still not liking the feeling in her tummy, and grabs her doll along with her mom’s hand to go into the other room.

“I’ll meet you downstairs.” She tells you before she hustles Nora into her room. Setting her up amongst her pillows and turning on cartoons, she shuts the door behind her. She hadn’t thought you would react this badly. Maybe a little upset but you look furious. Biting her lip, she walks downstairs to face the music.

“What the hell were you thinking?” The words are out of your mouth the second she hits the bottom of the stairs. You’ve been prowling them living room like a caged tiger for ten minutes and the only reason you’re not shouting is so Nora won’t hear.

Steph rounds her shoulders slightly, knowing that she was wrong for intruding. Sighing heavily, her guilty look slides to the side, unable to look you in the eyes. “I just thought maybe If you met him…” she tells you softly. “You used to love him. Before your tattoos showed up.”

“Before he turned into a careless asshole.” You correct, wishing this damn skirt you’re wearing had pockets to shove your hands into. “You invited him into our home Steph. Our safe place. I don’t…I don’t understand.”

Stephanie snorts, shaking her head and honestly getting a little pissed at you. “Do you know what I would do? What I would give to spend five more minutes with my soulmate?” She demands, touching the tattoo she had re-inked into her skin in memory of Shawn. “And you don’t even want to get to know yours!”

“That’s different.” Your lip trembles a little, hating having your brother’s memory brought into this. “You loved him. You were twelve years old, and you looked my big brother in the eye and told him you were gonna marry him one day. I don’t have a soulmate. I have an ego on legs with bad ink and no concept of manners. He was rifling through our shit, Steph. Our bills.”

“Shit, I left them out.” Steph winces and gives a small shrug. She can’t help that she’s in debt up to her eyeballs. “Did he mock us for being broken by the fucking health care system or something?”

“I kicked them out before he could say anything.” To be honest you’re not even sure he comprehended what was in the envelopes he was holding, but it sickens you to think he might have been forming an insult based on something that almost every single American of the twenty-first century can relate to.

“So he might have just been curious. He’s your soulmate. I wanted to know everything about Shawn. Everything.” Stephanie tells you before she holds up a hand. “But I’m sorry I interfered. I shouldn’t have. And I won’t anymore.” She promises.

“What else did you tell them about me?” You can only assume there was some kind of survey or interview to verify your identity and your status as Dieter’s soulmate. Some kind of test. “He came here with zinnias so they must have asked what my favourite flower is.”

“Just basic things, that you are a high school art teacher, and you love fresh brewed coffee and concerts - although you haven’t been to one in years.” Steph sighs and shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I just— I want you to be happy. Outside of me and Nor.”

“I don’t need anything outside of you and Nora.” For the first time since the doorbell rang your anger cracks, and you reach for your friend’s hand. “I wanted a family, and the universe gave me a brother I loved, a best friend to cherish every minute with, and that little girl upstairs to help take care of. And I love this life.”

“I know you love it, but—” She shakes her head again. “Aren’t you lonely?” She ventures softly.

“Well—” The best shrug you can manage is the most half-assed thing in the world, and you feel like dissolving a puddle on the floor if you could. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.” Steph huffs. It definitely matters. Especially to her, when all she wants is your happiness.

“It doesn’t.” You shake your head insistently. “You matter. And Nora matters. And the promise I made to Shawn to help take care of you matters. Not whether or not I get laid.”

“No.” Steph argues. “We are not going to sacrifice your happiness to help me.” She huffs. “Then we’ll be two bitter old hags sharing a house.”

“You’re not old and you’re not a hag.” There’s no point in debating the ‘bitter’ part since the world dealt her an ugly hand. “Dieter Bravo isn’t going to make me happy, honey. The universe has it wrong this time.”

“Give me another twenty years.” She jokes and heaves another sigh. “I’m really not going to convince you to give him a chance, am I?”

“It would take a literal miracle to change my mind about him.” After all the years and all the things that you’ve read and seen - secretly reading articles and news releases when you were younger has waned over the years - you just don’t see how it could ever work. “If this is really about my sex life, I’m okay. I’ll sign up for a soulmate-less dating app or something if I get desperate.” It’s been…years, actually, now that you think about it, since you had anything even remotely resembling a personal connection with someone. But that has been a seriously low priority in your life since Shawn got sick, and even then your encounters were nothing more than a quick release, always with the worry that they would see the elephant on your thigh or that your sleeve would come unbuttoned during a chance encounter and reveal a triangle. The specter of your soulmate has been hanging over your head for a long time.

******

“Aunt Gigi!” Nora burst in the door, home from her doctor’s appointment, her face scrunched up in confusion and a little bit of fear. “Mommy’s crying!” She races over to where you are chopping vegetables and grabs your arm. “She won’t stop!”

“Steph?” Nearly dropping your knife, you wipe your hands on the apron around your waist and pick Nora up so you can hustle through the house faster than her little legs are capable of. “Stephy, what’s wrong? What happened?” It seems like a violation of the Hippocratic Oath for them to deny Nora’s treatment based on debt, but you wouldn’t put it past anyone these days. Today was an infusion day and her medication is pricey.

Stephanie barely made it inside the door, crumpled to the floor on her knees with her face buried in her hands. Body shaking as she sobs. Everything just spilled on the ground beside her, her purse, keys, Nora’s bag for daycare, carelessly heaped beside her while she weeps.

“Nora baby, can you get Mommy a bottle of water from the refrigerator? Don’t run, sweetie.” The little girl nods, on the verge of tears herself, and you have to remind her not to run again as she takes off back across the house a second time. “Honey, what happened?” It only takes a second to right the bags again and scoop up the things that had fallen out so you can pull Stephanie into your arms on the floor, rubbing her back in soothing circles. “Whatever’s wrong, we’ll figure it out. Just take a deep breath, honey. I’m right here.”

“N-no.” Stephanie inhales a large gulp of air, shuddering from her crying. She had managed to keep it together until she pulled into the driveway but now that she was home it’s all crashing down on her like a ton of bricks. “It-it-it’s gone!” She cries, choking out the words.

“What’s gone?” Oh god…did the bank foreclose on the house? You were sure you had more time.

Nearly hyperventilating, Stephanie reaches into her pocket and pulls out a few folded papers, shoving them into your hands. “Ev-everything.” She manages. “Gone! It-it-it’s not a glitch!”

You’re well acquainted with what a balance statement from the hospital looks like. Over the years you’ve seen plenty of them, memorizing the way they look and even the way they smell completely against your will. This one is unlike anything you’ve ever seen though - because the balance reads zero. A one-time payment is listed for every single cent that Steph owed for Nora’s treatments and care. As of two days ago, the balance is paid in full. The folded and crumpled page has a mate, of course, and you snatch it out of the envelope frantically. Every penny of debt for Shawn and Nora’s care has been paid by the same credit card. It was hundreds of thousands all told. Years piled up in doctors and dollar signs. And it’s gone. “Holy shit…” you breathe, eyes wide as you stare at the zeroes on the pages. “Who…?” Bundling Steph up in your arms, you squeeze her tight and feel the palpable shift in the air. No wonder she can’t stop crying, you think, unaware that you’ve started to cry too - albeit silently.

“Th-they wouldn’t tell me.” She blubbers, fresh tears sliding down her cheeks. “S-said they asked not to be named.”

“Shhhh, honey…” When Nora comes back and sees you crying too she almost loses it, her lower lip trembling violently, but you smile at her reassuringly and pull her into your lap right along with Steph. “It’s okay, baby,” you promise her, sniffling back as much emotion as you can. “Someone did something really nice for Mommy and we’re just…we’re very shocked by it. It was a surprise, baby. But everything’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” She immediately snuggles into both of you and Stephanie manages to catch her breath again.

“It’s so good baby.” She promises her daughter. “So much so, I - I think we are going to order dinner to celebrate.” She announces. Ordering dinner is a rarity in your house, saved for the most special of occasions. A real treat for everyone.

“But it’s not a birfday.” Nora’s eyes widen at the implacable importance of ordering dinner, and she hugs her mother hard. “Must-a been a really good surprise, Mommy.”

“It is baby.” Stephanie bends down and presses her lips to her daughter’s head. “Why don’t you go think about what you want?” She asks, leaning back and brushing the curls away from Nora’s face. “Anything you want. I want to wash my face and talk to Aunt Gigi.”

Nora runs off again at lightning speed, knowing exactly which drawer in the kitchen holds the take out menus because she likes to order pretend take out for her dolls for very special tea parties. “Let’s see how getting up goes,” You half-laugh at the way the two of you groan as your crumpled, over-30 bodies creak and groan as you stand back up.

“I’m going to call the mortgage company.” Stephanie tells you. “The money meant for medical bills will quickly make up how much we are behind.” She hugs you again desperately and pulls away with the brightest smile in a long time. “Will you help Nora order?” She asks, handing you her purse. “We are treating you to dinner.”

When you start to protest she puts one hand over your mouth to stifle it and nearly laughs with actual joy, and you can’t see fit to bicker about anything when she’s so happy. Instead, you hug her tightly and head off to the kitchen to find Nora pouring over the menu for the Chinese place in town that makes the sweet and sour chicken she and Steph both love. It’s one of the few restaurant items she can really enjoy with all of her food restrictions, and something you’ve never quite managed to nail cooking at home. “Did you find something already, Nor?”

“Uhhuh.” She proudly displays the Chinese menu. “Chicken!” She claps her hands excitedly.

“Chicken sounds good.” She’s all cheered up again after having been worried about her mom, and you set her down at the kitchen table beside you while you plug your order into the app together. By the time Steph comes back in from the living room, you’ve picked up the beginnings of the dinner you were making and cleaned up the kitchen, and Nora is playing happily with the building block house she made for her favourite dolls earlier in the week.

She’s not crying, she’s stunned. Walking slowly into the kitchen with a dazed look on her face, Stephanie comes and plops down beside you. “I don’t know what is going on.” She murmurs.

"What do you mean?" You had just pulled out your phone to check your e-mail for any job application responses, but she looks like she's seen a ghost, so you put it aside immediately.

“They are sending me the deed to the house.” She murmurs, looking over at here Nora is playing happily. “The mortgage was paid off two days ago.”

"What?" Hissed under your breathed, the word rockets your eyebrows up to your hairline in surprise even as you're careful not to disturb Nora. "What the heck is going on?"

“I don’t know.” She shakes her head, overwhelmed by the sudden and complete turnaround of her fortune. “No one knows how badly I’m drowning except you.”

"Somebody must have known." With both her parents and her husband gone and no other close family, it's not like Steph's relatives could have known anything. Your own parents adore her, but you and she have a standing agreement not to ask them for help because they're barely squeaking by on their own. She hadn't been to therapy in over a year because of the expense, and her bosses certainly don't have a clue. Even if they did, they wouldn't care.

“No one.” She promises before she stops, works her mouth and then shuts it again before speaking. “You— you said that he was snooping.” She bites her lip. “You don’t think— No. That’s crazy right?”

The blood drains from your face at the thought, but you shake your head adamantly. "No way." You insist, stubbornly refusing to admit that it might be even the tiniest possibility. "That would require him to care about another person. Absolutely no way in heck." Oh if ever there was a time to be able to swear...

“I don’t know anyone else who could pay that kind of money.” Stephanie reasons, looking over at Nora, sighing. “Whoever it is. I need to thank them. They just gave my daughter her childhood back.” So many things she had wanted to do with Nora had been delayed. Aquariums, water parks, Disney, all now within reach due to someone’s generosity.

"Maybe some secretive billionaire is out there calling up hospitals and banks and paying off people's debt like their idea of a fun Wednesday?" It's possibly the most ludicrous thing you've ever said, but the terrifying possibility that that man might have grown a heart and done something caring is too much for you to stomach. No, more likely he did it to lord it over you. Like he'd call to taunt and – but if someone were going to do that they wouldn't have insisted on remaining anonymous. They would want the two of you to know so they could gloat. "Maybe some rich eccentric is working off their debt to society by paying other people's debts?" Surely that's it.

“I’m not that lucky.” Stephanie scoffs before she gives you a knowing look. “You should ask.” She tells you.

"Even if I wanted to?" Which you truly don't, despite your curiosity, because it would involve talking to him again. "I have no way to contact him."

“Didn’t they give you a number or something?” Stephanie asks, surprised that you are just flat-out saying no.

“Maybe? I kicked them out pretty fudging abruptly.” You vaguely remember there was a card in the flowers, but you had assumed it was for the florist and tossed it in the trash. Or maybe a drawer? Popping out of your seat, you dig into the junk drawer in the kitchen where you would have gotten the scissors to trim the flower stems. An unfamiliar piece of card stock is sticking out from under them and you swear if it gives you a paper cut you won’t be surprised. Dieter is scrawled on the back of the card, and a nine-digit number with an LA area code. If you were cruel you could auction this little thing off for more money than you’ve ever dreamed of - but that isn’t you. You, right now, is the person staring at it like it personally caused every ill that mankind has ever known. “The back of the florist’s card.” You hold it up to show her, and then flip it over so she can see what you can only assume is his handwriting. “I guess I thought the flowers were pretty enough to keep it.”

“They were very pretty flowers.” Steph concedes, not mentioning that it was romantic of him to bring you flowers, even if she was certain someone else bought them. “You don’t have to do this.” She tells you, voice filled with guilt. “I would just love to know if the worst man on earth is responsible for changing our lives. I mean, he’s probably not. You know, since he’s horrible.”

“Are you seriously teasing me about this?” Steph has never thought as poorly of him as you have, you know that. But you still huff at her like you’re vaguely surprised she won’t ever be on your side on the issue.

“Yes I am.” Steph looks over at Nora to make sure the young girl is fully absorbed in her playing so she doesn’t hear her mother. “Because you have a hot soulmate and you won’t even angry…snuggle him.” She murmurs quietly.

“I would not snuggle that man, angrily or any other way, if my life depended on it.” You inform her flatly, absolutely not thinking in any way, shape, or form about how he’s actually far more attractive in person. No movie star glitz, no chaotic disaster vibes, just a clean and decently dressed man in your kitchen. That is not relevant.

“You’re a better woman that me.” She huffs, acknowledging to herself how long it has been since she’s been snuggled. Since Shawn got sick. “I would do it just for bragging rights.”

“That would involve admitting I’ve been within a mile of him, which I will not be doing.” With a sigh, you look down at the card in your hand. “I’m only doing this for you.” One phone call to confirm it wasn’t him and then you can get back to your quiet, normal life. One that is now considerably less burdened with debt.

“You don’t have to.” She’s serious this time. If it was going to upset you, she would rather you not.

"We have to know." You tell her honestly. "I'll go upstairs and call this number. Hopefully it's just that Libby woman and I can ask questions without having to talk to him and I'll be back downstairs in no time."

“Okay.” She reaches over and squeezes your hand. “If it is him, tell him…tell him I said ‘thank you from the bottom of my heart’.”

Once you're sitting in your room with the door closed, the anxiousness hits. A full five minutes are spent staring at that phone number with your legs bouncing before you actually manage to dial it into your phone, and another two minutes before you actually hit the call button. Though you're praying that it's an official business number, the pit in the bottom of your stomach says it won't be. Maybe it will go to voicemail...

“I don’t care if you’ve been trying to reach me about my cars extended warranty.” Dieter huffs into the phone, feeling frustrated at the number of spam calls he’s been receiving. He was supposed to have some kind of private number, right? That’s what Libby told him when she said not to give out his number to everyone.

"What?" The abruptness in the answer catches you off guard, and you find yourself scrubbing one hand down the side of your face. "No, no— this isn't a scam call. Uh...I'm trying to reach Dieter Bravo?" A sentence you never thought you would ever say...

“Oh, uh, that’s me.” His tone changes. “I mean, who is calling?” He rolls his eyes at himself, wondering if a fan got his number again.

You do your best not to sound resigned or, worse, nervous, when you give him your name. "This number was written on the back of the florist's card," you tell him, wondering now if that was even his handwriting.

“Oh yeah.” He pulls his way away and looks at the number. “It’s my personal cell phone.”

"I, uh...I called for a reason." This already goes down as one of the most awkward phone calls you've had in your life, so why not just go for the jugular. Can't get worse, right?

“You gonna yell at me again?” He asks, tucking his phone into his shoulder and unwrapping a mini KitKat.

"I don't think so." You admit begrudgingly, twisting the hem of your shirt in your lap with your free hand. "I need to know if you looked at the mail you picked up while you were at my house last week. Like actually looked at it. Names and accounts and things. Because..." A soft exhale escapes your lips, and you squeeze your eyes shut. "Because my sister-in-law's medical debts and mortgage payments were all magically paid off two days ago and..." Oh god, don't cry. Nothing could be more humiliating that crying on the phone to this man. "And you're the only person we could think of who would have that kind of money..."

“They let her know?” He hums. “Good.” He pops the KitKat into his mouth and chews happily. “Didn’t think it would be for another month. I know that shit makes you fucking stresssssseed. Worry about bills.”

"It was you? Nora had a doctor's appointment today and when Steph went to pay they said—" Halfway through blurting out the explanation you stop, processing the absolutely casual way he answers and how once again you can't believe it's this man that the universe stuck you with. "She wanted me to tell you thank you. Thank you from the bottom of her heart." The quote is exact, though it feels odd to say the words to him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He murmurs, waving away the gratitude. “It’s done.” He pauses and reaches for another KitKat. “That all you wanted?” He knows you don’t like him; you’ve made that evident and while it sucks, he knows he can’t do much to change your opinion of him.

"Why?" It's almost as important to you as the fact that he did it at all. "Why help us? You didn't have to."

“You’re my soulmate.” He tells you, as if that should be obvious reason for doing anything. “You were struggling. I could help, so I did. Besides, I’m not spending money on drugs anymore.” He huffs that part, still annoyed with sobriety. “Smart figuring it out. I told them not to say anything.”

"You're not?" That probably shouldn't be the part you're focusing on, but it's surprising to you nonetheless.

“Not what?” He asks, confused by the question.

"You just said you...you weren't spending money on drugs anymore." You clear your throat slightly. "Surprised me. That's all."

He grunts, not happy about it, but he promised he would try to stay in the wagon for a while. “Yeah, apparently being happy is bad for my image.”

"I— look, it's none of my business." It's not, and you know it, and now you regret pursuing the line of questioning altogether. "We're just...we're extremely grateful. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but Steph was on the verge of losing the house and this is the place she bought with my brother, so it means a lot to her. You, um...you gave Nora back her childhood and my best friend back her ability to breathe. So thank you."

“You’re welcome.” Dieter tells you quietly, feeling good about being able to help you. “I’ll let you go; I know you don’t actually want to talk to me.”

In an impulsive move that you regret almost as soon as you open your mouth, you swear you can feel the tilt of the earth shift in an out-of-body-experience kind of way as you blurt out the words: "I'll do it," as quickly as possible, catching him before he hangs up.

“Do what?” He stops, puts his phone back up to his ear and waits for you to explain.

"The...thing. The date thing." Oh god, what the hell are you doing?? It's too late to take it back and your heart is pounding in your throat. "You need me to help fix your image or whatever, right? Well...you helped me, so I'll help you." You could have let him hang up. It would have been easy. But then you would have been sitting with this debt hanging over your head in a whole new way. A debt to Dieter Bravo. That definitely isn't something you want on your conscience, and you firmly believe in paying your debts anyway.

“I didn’t do it to get you to do this.” Even if Libby had begged him to tell them who paid it off, he had insisted it be anonymous. It wasn’t why he was doing it. It would have made him the asshole you think he is.

"If you had, you would have made sure we knew it was you." Alright, so he might not be the worst person on earth. Jeff Bezos is definitely worse. Dieter Bravo gets a point for positivity today, begrudgingly. "Nevertheless, I am saying that I'll help you. What you did changed our lives, and I— I don't believe in letting that kind of thing go unrecognized."

“Okay.” Dieter doesn’t know why you are doing it still, but it will get his manager off his back. “I’ll send you a text, okay?”

"Okay." Nodding as though he could see you through the phone, you sag on your bed and let out a breath. "I assume that Libby woman will have a contract or something for me to sign. Just have her send it over."

“Probably.” Dieter grumbles. “Woman has contracts for every damn thing.”

That actually makes you laugh despite yourself, and you clear your throat again. "Okay. I guess...I guess I'll talk to you later, then."

“Hey—” He hopes you haven’t hung up the phone yet. One more thing on his mind.

"Yeah?" You had pulled your phone away from your ear when he spoke again, and you pick the electronic back up quickly.

Dieter grins, knowing he’s going to probably make you hang up on him. “What are you wearing?”

"You'll never know." Rolling your eyes, you thump the red button on your phone to disconnect the call and let out a long, loud, agonized groan before getting up to go back downstairs. Dieter Fucking Bravo... this is going to be a shit show.

Chuckling to himself, he tosses the phone down. He had wanted to ask about what was wrong with the kid. They wouldn’t tell him when he paid the bills. However, you seemed confused by the idea that he had a heart, so he hadn’t wanted to surprise you too much. Groaning, he picks up his phone again and shoots Libby a text message, telling her that you agreed to help him fix his image. She will be thrilled.

******

"I smell dinner!" At the bottom of the stairs you call out through the house, inhaling the comforting smell of Chinese take out. Steph and Nora are setting out containers on the table and you cross behind them to wash your hands, checking the table as you go to see if anything else is needed. "Everybody excited for sweet and sour chicken?"

“God yes.” Steph groans and winks at Nora. “It’s been 87 years since we’ve had Chinese.” She jokes. Because it is a special occasion type of meal for the past couple of years, Nora is excited.

"87 years, huh? That makes Nor the oldest four-year-old I ever did see." You laugh and shake your head at them, bringing over the pitcher of cold water from the refrigerator before you sit down next to Steph. "It was him," you tell her quietly, knowing that you have but there's more face.

“If you tell me a new car will be delivered tomorrow, I’m gonna snuggle him.” Stephanie jokes, amazed that your soulmate just solved the majority of her problems in minutes.

"I did not mention the cars." Although, now that the looming mortgage payments have been eliminated, Steph can definitely price out a good mechanic. "But, um..." As Steph serves Nora and then herself, you find yourself wanting to melt into the floorboards all over again. "There will probably be other deliveries. Clothes and whatever. For the...the dates..." You mumble the last word as quietly and incoherently as you possibly can, but the look on Steph's face says she heard you loud and clear.

“You’re going to do it?” Stephanie breathes out, staring at you for another second before she breaks into a grin. “Oh, we are definitely having wine with our Chinese!” She bolts up from the table to grab the rest of the bottle from the fridge. Now that she didn’t have to worry about the mountain of debt or the house, she was going to buy you the fanciest bottle she could find tomorrow.

"Fair is fair." You contend, since it is now your personal party line as to why you have agreed to this charade. "It is six appearances and then I can fade back into obscurity where I belong."

“Unless you decide you like being there with him.” Steph hums, pouring you both glasses and finishing the bottle.

"Let's not start talking crazy." A part of you believes you're doing this as much for Steph as you are for him. It will make her happy to live vicariously for a little bit, and you can prove to her that just because you're technically soulmates does not mean that you're actually supposed to be with Dieter Bravo. "It'll be done by the end of the summer and the kids will completely forget it even happened by the time Homecoming rolls around."

“Yeah right.” You can tell yourself that, but Stephanie knows better. Dieter might have negative press surrounding him right now because of what happened on the Cliff Beasts set, but he is a star. An Oscar winner. “We’ll just have to see.”

______

Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @katheriner1999 @littlemousedroid @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @hardc0rehaylz @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri

YSV: @tortor-mcgee @hnt-escape

My Masterlist!

[miomines]

draconic instincts

ok this is basically meili vs zhongli. dragon mom fights in ur honour.

writing fight scenes is very difficult. this is the longest thing I've written on this blog so far. I mean im happy with it but im much better at just. softer things. anyways here's angry dragon mom

part 1 | interlude | interlude 2 | part 3

Her precious little gem is at home. They are safe and happy. They will stay that way.

Truly, Meili thought her old friend had outgrown these behaviors. She had watched him as he mellowed out over the years. She remembers the Archon War and she's sad to say that this behavior has been here a long time. Perhaps she just wanted to believe in him. If her little gem never crossed her path, she knows, without a doubt, she would still be supporting him.

"Morax," Meili says to the air. Behind her is the shrine made to the Divine Creator, a personal shrine built by her old friend. Her rage is simmering, nearly boiling over yet she still keeps a calm disposition. There's no doubt in her mind that this encounter will turn into a battle eventually.

"Meili." She turns her head and watches the Ex-Geo Archon approach. She says nothing, not yet, as she gazes at him with impassive eyes. Meili steps down from the shrine's entry, breathing deeply to keep her rage from exploding.

She has conflicting feelings about the man in front of her, a fondness she currently resents. Zhongli was her dear friend, one she viewed as a brother. This is not Zhongli, not her old friend, but Morax. A fool who harms a child under the guise of worship to the Divine Creator. The man in front of her is Morax, a dragon who has hunted her little gem down.

"Morax, my dearest friend," she drawls, her tone full of forced cheer and friendliness. "You're such a loyal acolyte to our Divine Creator that you attack a helpless child who has merely existed." She grins as she cocks her head to the side, calmy stepping closer. "Would Guizhong be proud of your behavior? Or has your mind deluded itself to believe that she would join you?"

Meili is delighted to see that he takes the bait, his eyes narrowing as his voice lowers to a growl. "You know nothing of the situation," Morax hisses. It doesn't do anything to growing, sharp grin. "You know nothing of Guizhong."

"Morax," she tuts. "You forget that I was there. You forget that I fought alongside her." She narrows her eyes as she crosses her arms. "She loved our Divine Creator, but she also loved humanity. A child with a visage similar to the Divine One. She would see it as a blessing."

"That child is a criminal, guilty for the crimes of impersonation."

"Really?" Meili taps a finger to her chin, expression thoughtful. "That's strange. From what I'm aware of, the child was attacked on sight." She turns her head to stare into Morax's eyes. She sees the mirrored rage in his eyes that reflect her own, although for very different reasons. "Hard to be guilty of a crime if you didn't even impersonate anyone, no?"

Morax lets out a low growl, his posture shifting as if he were a predator hunting prey. If she were a lesser adeptus, a weaker dragon, she would be cowed into submission. Something that he was likely counting on. Unfortunately for him, she is not a weaker, lesser adeptus. 

"Really, Morax," she yawns. "I know you. We have grown together. If you think I will be scared of a little display of dominance, then you forget yourself." Meili doesn't bat an eye as he summons his spear, staring at her old friend with hidden disdain.

"I believe it is you," he says, spear twirling in his hand before he points it at her. "That has forgotten themselves."

"If you think I'm going to be scared of the man who fell off a cliff by trying to impress our dear Guizhong, then you're mistaken." Meili barks out a laugh, her grin sharp as she finally lets her boiling rage consume her. "I'd dare say that she would be disappointed in you. A child blessed by the Divine One and you simply attack? At your core, you're still just a brute."

"Silence!" He bellows and attacks. She steps away from the spear with ease. Morax attacks in a practiced motion, one she's seen many times over the many millennia she's been alive. It makes it easier to dodge. "You know nothing!"

Meili lets out a loud laugh, dodging his attacks with his spear gracefully as if she were dancing. "You're just proving it to me! Morax, you're truly just a brutish fool who lives in his own delusions!" She wonders how long she can go without summoning her weapon. It's almost amusing how determined he currently is to attack her. "Tell me then! Tell me the information that I'm missing!"

She dances away from his spear, continuing her speech as if this were a normal conversation. "That so-called criminal is a child! To both you and me! What have they done to be hunted down like an animal?!"

Morax narrows his eyes at her, realization lighting up in his eyes. "You know where they are," he hisses. "You are harboring a criminal, the impersonator of our Most Esteemed Creator." 

"I am harboring a child who has been hunted down for merely existing." My child, something inside her croons. She hushes it. Now is not the time. 

"That impersonator ruins Our Divinity's name!" Morax spat. "They are a criminal and they must face divine punishment!"

"Are you even hearing yourself?!" This is who she supported for six thousand years?? "The Divine One is kind, they would be disgusted by your actions!"

"Which is why we are dealing with the impersonator ourselves!" He growls. "The impersonator refuses to accept the blame and continues to run from their punishment! As loyal acolytes of the Divine Creator, we act to protect them!"

There's not getting through to him, is there? Around six thousand years of friendship, of family, and now all she can do is to let it go. Morax is not her friend, her family, but someone who wishes to harm her little gem. 

"The one you call the impersonator, I have taken them as my child," she states. Meili narrowly dodges a swipe of his spear aimed at her legs. "And I will not let you touch them."

"You are a traitor against the Divine One."

"And you are an idiotic, brutish fool."

With a snap of her wrist, her catalyst is summoned to hover beside her. She's unamused when Morax barks out a laugh. Truly arrogant. Taking a seat with the Seven Archons has changed him and Meili can't say that it was for the better.

"You are a healer, Mei," he drawls. "You do not have a chance in a fight, especially against me, don't you realize that?" 

Meili simply grins, letting the feeling of geo flow through her. "I learned how to heal during the Archon War, don't you remember, dearest friend?"

Morax rolls his eyes, lunging to attack her. She ducks underneath the spear, places a construct just behind his feet as she circles behind him. He turns and tries to lunge, however his feet get caught on the construct and he stumbles.

"I learned how to heal because you were an idiot."

An elbow to his face.

"I learned because you needed a healer."

A kick to his knees.

"It does not mean I'm unable to fight~" 

His legs swept out from underneath him

"It'll be good for you to remember that I've lived as long as you have, dear friend." Meili grins and takes the spear (Vortex Vanquisher, that emits power through her) from his stunned grasp. Her smile screams hostility, aimed at him in a predatory and sharp manner. "I am not as weak and helpless as you like to think I am~"

Morax attempts to stand, to right himself, but Meili shoves him down with a kick to the gut. She twirls the spear in her hand, letting her vision sharpen the spearhead as she points it right to his throat.

"Meili, you are the fool for believing in that impostor," he spits as he glares up at her.

She laughs and pushes the spear so it just slightly pokes into his skin. "You are a fool for believing that the All-Creator would wish harm on a child." 

"A criminal."

"Oh, enlighten me, old friend. How do you know of their crimes?" She asks, sarcasm dripping from her mouth as she increases the pressure to his throat.

"The Golden Ichor does not run from their veins," he drawls. As if he were explaining something simple to a child. "A mere mortal playing God. Dearest sister," the spear digs in further and he hisses. "Do you truly wish to protect such a disgrace?"

"You do not get to call me that anymore, Morax," she spat. "I am ashamed of you, I am ashamed of our past bond and I wish to have nothing to do with you." She stares at him, hate flowing through her as she views this fallen archon.

"When the Divine Creator has forsaken you, I will be there to grant you pity and to destroy that pest that started it all."

Meili scoffs. He will not even breathe the same air as her little gem if she has any say in it. Her precious child. "You will not bother my little one, or I will rain hellfire upon you." They will be safe and happy and they'll cook together each day.

(--she takes the cutting board into her hands)

"You will see it my way one day, Mei."

(Near one of the sides was a shiny metallic colour)

"You will see that pest is not worth protecting."

(and she brought it closer to her face for inspection.)

"The Divine Creator will accept you back,"

("Meili!")

"Since they are kind,"

(Without a second thought, she drops the board back into the water.)

"But I will never forget how you've chosen a criminal over the Divine One."

It clicks in her mind. The small knick of a knife against her little one's finger when they were cooking. The golden residue on the cutting board, only to be distracted by her little gem with their new slime friends.

Oh it makes so much sense! Meili knew her little one was special, but she didn't know how special they were! 

"Such kindness," she drawls. The most loyal acolyte cannot even recognize the same God he claims to worship. Pathetic. "Unfortunately, I will not be taking it."

Meili places pressure on his chest, pressing him to the ground with her foot as she brings the spear to her side. "When the Divine One has forsaken you, I will not grant you pity. I will be there to laugh."

Morax scowls, going to respond but interrupted to a stomp to the gut.

"I fought as support in the Archon War for you. I did not wish for the responsibility, did not want a seat with the Seven." She leans down to stare him directly in the eyes and whispers, "you had an easier time in the war due to my help.

I would have won that seat if I wanted to."

Morax looks away and she takes that as victory. Meili keeps the spear in hand as she steps off and turns with a flourish. Before she descends down the hill, she turns back to the other adeptus.

"If I see you anywhere near my house, or near my little gem, I will tear you apart, limb from limb." She tilts her head and covers her mouth with a hand. As if she were shy, as if she weren't threatening an old archon. "That's a promise, Morax. Stay away from my family."

Meili turns her head to look off into the distance and hums. "Mondstadt is beautiful this time of year, I've heard. Send word to Barbatos that I will visit him soon. I need to have a chat with him…"

She smiles, glancing back at her old friend. Her new enemy. The hunter of her child. He doesn't deserve to know about her little gem. He does not deserve forgiveness.

"Goodbye, Morax. I truly despise you. I hope our paths never cross again."

With the Vortex Vanquisher in hand, she leaves. Perhaps she'll mount the spear on the wall...

[lowkeyorloki]

masterlist ♛

Last updated: January 12th, 2023

Welcome to my masterlist, where you can find my published works! Every fic opens in a new tab.

In each section (one-shots, headcanons, and multi-chapters), the most recent works are at the top. This means the further you go down, the older the fics become. I have written multiple drabbles on this blog, but they are not included on this page. Just search ‘drabble’ on my blog and they’ll come up.

As of 2020, my imagines do not use any type of pronouns or biological descriptions (i.e, breasts or genitalia) unless the fic is smut. This is to make my work as inclusive as I can.

🌶️ means the fic contains smut. PLEASE only consume if you are 18+

⭐ means the piece is one of my personal favorites

Enjoy 🐍

One-Shots

Domestic Interlude

Fingers

Loki x reader who has vaginismus.

Face - ⭐

You ask Loki if he thinks you’re pretty.

Pretty Prince - 🌶️⭐

Loki gets pegged, but like, with emotions.

Harsh - 🌶️⭐

A sequel to Gentle that can be read alone.

You return to Prince Loki’s chambers.

Episode One Drabble

Mobius shows Loki the reel of his life, and Loki sees what he missed with you.

Gentle - 🌶️⭐

Your fellow chambermaids have often spoken about their experiences in the dark haired prince of Asgard’s sheets, but when you finally meet Loki in that way, it isn’t what you expect.

Stomach

You’re sick, and Loki wants to make you feel better.

Break Up

How a perceived breakup with Loki goes…

Apology

Loki tells you he’s sorry.

Thorns -🌶️

Author lowkeyorloki finally writes a sex pollen fic.

Happy Birthday, Loki

You know Loki’s birthday isn’t easy for him, so you ask what no one else has before: what he would like to do.

Grace Period - ⭐

Loki is in love with you, but you’re a mortal and he’s a god. You both need time to adjust to that.

Anger Management -🌶️⭐

Loki hates you. He’s begging himself to keep it that way.

This fic has been expanded into a multichapter called The Archetype on my ao3.

Stolen - 🌶️⭐

Loki takes and takes and takes. Then he finds you, with nothing to do but give.

Chaos And Control - ⭐

You’ve been assigned by the other Avengers to be Loki’s babysitter, essentially. They should have assumed your feelings for him would be complicated.

Loki’s Angel

It would have been better if you were like Steve or Thor, super-powered, but still normal. But you weren’t born that way. You were born with wings. A Jotunn! Loki fic.

The King And Queen Of Asgard - 🌶️

You and Loki are the new rulers of Asgard. You’re in the bathing chambers when Loki appears to… assist

Library Card

An AU in which you’re a librarian, and Loki fingers brushing yours as he hands you his card makes you blush

The Difference Between You And Me - 🌶️

Loki hurts the reader during sex, and she promises him she wants to continue

Love Is Not A Victory March

Loki catches you playing the piano, and decides to join

A Mortal Occurance

In a scene of domestic bliss, you and Loki ponder one of the Midgardian greats

Glass Warrior- 🌶️

You’re so beautiful, and so breakable. Loki would never forgive himself if he hurt you.

Dove

You begin to question the nature of your relationship with Loki as he calls you sweet names and looks at you with soft eyes.

Stay Kind

As you lay dying in Loki’s arms, you work up the strength to tell him one final thing.

Wounds- ⭐

You’re injured, and Loki shows a new side of himself as he nurses you back to health.

True Form

You’re intent on seeing Loki’s Jotunn side, even if he doesn’t want you to.

Release - 🌶️

A sensual situation from our favorite god’s point of view.

lbd - 🌶️⭐

After a fight with Loki, you wear the smallest dress you can to an Avengers press event.

Aftermath - ⭐

Loki always hated weakness. Because of this, you try to remain strong- even after being kidnapped.

Wine Drunk

The Asgardian wine Sif gave you is stronger than anything Tony Stark has in his liquor cabinet.

Tell Me You Love Me

You know it’s hard for Loki to be vulnerable, but sometimes, you need to hear those three words too.

An Heir

You have an honest conversation with Loki about the possibility of children.

3:33 In the Morning

You comfort Loki after a nightmare.

Steve

Loki experiences jealousy over a certain one of your past lovers.

Loki’s Perspective - 🌶️⭐

We always read about your first time with Loki through your eyes, but what is Loki thinking?

Phantom Pains

Loki can’t get his encounter with Thanos out of his mind.

Not the First, But the Last - ⭐

You ask Loki about his previous loves on Asgard.

A Different Loki

After Loki’s death in Infinity War, you awake to see him standing next to your bed… and it isn’t a dream.

Snapshots - ⭐

Having moments with Loki isn’t all that it seems.

The Wading Pools

Loki takes you to one of his favorite places in Asgard.

The Other Brother - ⭐

We all tell the story your romance with Loki through his eyes or your own. But what does it look like to the only other person who loves Loki as much as you do?

Scars

Loki returns from the events of Ragnorak after leaving you without a word, and finds you look different than he remembers.

Not His Tricks, Not This Time

After having a dream that may be telling of the future, Loki begins to train with you and become protective.

A Proposition

Loki is at a bar trying to forget you when a woman approaches him.

Blood

Loki awakes looking as perfect as ever- except for his bedhead, that is.

His Eyes - ⭐

After having a dream that may be telling of the future, Loki begins to train with you and becomes protective.

Through Loki’s Eyes - 🌶️⭐

Loki is so guarded around you. Now you can find out why.

Erstwhile- ⭐

You’re different than all the other girls Loki has been with. You’re sure of it.

Professor! Loki x You

A fun AU where Professor Laufeyson invites you to dinner, as he knows how bad the dorm food can be.

Burdened With Glorious Purpose - ⭐

Loki doesn’t have anything he came down to Midgard for. But he has you.

Bait

Villains have started to get wind of how much you matter to Loki, and soon enough, one takes you.

Power

Loki gets candid with his love for you.

Cruel

You’re engaged to Thor but in love with Loki, and it’s hard for both of you.

The First Time - 🌶️

You lose your midgardian virginity to Loki.

Heritage

After Thor’s banishment in the first “Thor”, you confront Odin about lying to his second-born son.

Hate Unguarded

You promise Loki his Jotunn form does nothing to deter you.

What Now?

You ask Professor Laufeyson what will become of the two of you now that classes are over.

I Can’t - ⭐

Loki never wanted to fall in love with you. He isn’t sure how to handle it.

Gone

Loki is a god, and you were always immortal. This was always going to happen.

Shrouded Secrets - ⭐

This is what being in a forbidden relationship with Loki entails.

Warrior

Loki patches up you, his Asguardian lover, up after a battle.

Soulmates (?)

Loki doesn’t believe in soulmates. He does believe, however, in choice.

The Battle of NYC- 🌶️⭐

You’re an Avengers, tasked with protecting the citizens of New York as Loki and the Chituari attack. You find Loki on the ground- but fighting doesn’t seem to be where your head is right now.

What Loki Learned For You

Deaf! reader x Loki request where he learns sign language.

Sleepy Mornings

Loki is cuddly when he first wakes up.

Replacement

A fic inspired by the slander that was Infinity War to MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY.

Get It Together, Laufeyson

Loki isn’t sure how to tell you his true feelings, so he goes to Thor and Valkyrie for help.

I Thought You Were Dead

Loki is overcome with relief after you return to Avengers Tower.

The Throne - 🌶️⭐ (for a version with he/him pronouns, go here)

Loki sits on the throne of Asgard, and it’s everything he ever wanted- you decide to make his fantasy even better.

Loki and Lightning

For Loki, lightning brings less than pleasant memories.

Mythology Nerd

As someone who has loved and studies Norse myths for as long as you can remember, you’re thrilled to meet Loki- not that you would want him to know that, of course.

I’m Not Like Thor - 🌶️

Years of being compared to his older brother have taken a toll on Loki.

Thor’s a Flirt - 🌶️

…and he really should have known better than to court you in front of Loki.

Bullets

You and Loki gradually grow closer and closer.

Loki x Plus Size! Reader - 🌶️

Loki is more than willing to show you how truly beautiful you are.

Five Kisses

Five different types of kisses, each to prove your love.

Charity Event

Stark is always forcing the team to smile for the cameras, but the world hasn’t been accepting of the love you found with Loki.

Nightmares

This is the fic that put me on the map! Loki struggles with nightmares, and you help him. You help your own.

Friday Nights - 🌶️

Loki comes to your apartment every Friday- in multiple meanings of the word.

Kiss Me

Both you and Loki know he loves you, but he won’t say it.

Realizations

As you and Loki grow closer and closer, he notices the shift in his true emotions towards you.

Headcanons

Living with Loki on Midgard

Ceramics Artist! Loki

Loki x Mortal! Reader Headcanons

Types Of Kisses Loki Gives You - ⭐

Loki’s Most Common Words + How He Says Them To You - ⭐

Frost Giant/Jotun! Loki x Human Reader Headcanons - ⭐

Ways Loki Tells You He Loves You- Without Actually Saying It - ⭐

Loki As A Father Headcanons

Gradual Friends To Lovers Headcanons

Sad Loki Headcanons - ⭐

Does Loki Want Kids?

Random Yet Heartfelt Misc. Loki Headcanons

Loki Gets Headaches After NYC - ⭐

Sensual Loki Headcanons - 🌶️

Misc. Loki and Loki x Reader

Loki’s Vices - ⭐

Domestic! Loki Headcanons - ⭐

Random Loki and Loki x Reader - ⭐

Loki’s Jotunn Form Provides Him With High Levels of Stamina - 🌶️

Friends With Benefits to Lovers With Loki - 🌶️

Loki After An Argument - ⭐

Loki’s Favorite Positions- ⭐🌶️

Being Pregnant With Loki’s Child Would Include

Does Loki Like Vocal Girls?- 🌶️

Losing Your Virginity To Loki (Established Realtionship) - 🌶️

Dating Loki Headcanons

Multi-Chapters

These are all stories I started when I was a lot younger. They won’t ever be completed, but I have left them up because people enjoy the little there is!

Betrothed: 1, 2, and 3

You and Thor are engaged, but it’s Loki you’re in love with.

Lugh: 1 and 2

Loki died, leaving you to raise your child he never got to know about alone. But then, Loki shows up on your doorstep, and neither of you know where to go from there.

She Shall Have

She Shall Have is a multi-chapter I started on tumblr but moved to ao3, where it is now updated every Saturday. It is the fic I am the most proud of, and I am SUPER passionate and excited about it!

Chapters 1, 2, and 3 can be found here on this blog. It is continued on my ao3, where I write under the pseud lowkeyorloki. Check it out and come say hi!

Misc.

Loki Themed Asks- ⭐

You should also check out my ao3 ;)

[violethowler]

The Heroine’s Journey of Sora

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks writing out my thoughts on Kingdom Hearts and the way the series follows the framework of the Heroine’s Journey. Rather than a bunch of drabbles or a single long-winded post, I’ve decided to break up my explanations of the Heroine’s Journey and the way Kingdom Hearts fits into it as a series of ten essays posted weekly. I will put up a masterpost once all of them are finished, and in the meantime I will have all of them on my blog under the tag ‘Kingdom Hearts and the Heroine’s Journey.’

Due to the length of this essay, I will be putting the full thing under a cut. 

What many Kingdom Hearts fans do not realize is that while Tetsuya Nomura does sometimes make up the details as he goes when it comes to the writing of Kingdom Hearts, he does do things with a plan. 

In the KH3 Ultimania [1], he talked about how he’d had the conclusion of the Dark Seeker Saga outlined by the end of Kingdom Hearts II’s development. In an April 2012 interview [2] with Nintendo President Satoru Iwata, he indicated that he’d had a general framework up to Kingdom Hearts II planned out when the original game was first announced. And in a 2004 interview after the original Chain of Memories was released on GameBoy Advance, he mentioned that he’d already come up with the “last scene” that would serve as the definitive ending of the entire series[3]. 

So while some details may be hard to predict because Nomura comes up with lore and backstory details as he goes, he does have a plan in mind where the overall story is going. And the central arc of the series is entirely predictable once you understand the framework that the story fits into. 

Since the late 1800s, scholars have been studying the common patterns that repeat in stories, legends, and myths across different cultures around the world. One of the most well known templates developed from such research is the Hero’s Journey. In his 1949 book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, literature professor Joseph Campbell published a 17 step formula of storytelling. Campbell held up this framework as the monomyth, an ultimate narrative archetype from which all other stories are derived, and in discussion of his work expressed his view of The Hero’s Journey as a universal framework that showed how people grow from youth into adulthood.

However in the 1980s, Maureen Murdock began work on her own narrative framework. Believing that Campbell’s view on the universality of the Hero’s Journey did not encompass the experiences of every identity like he claimed, Murdock developed what she called The Heroine’s Journey as a critique and response to Campbell’s monomyth. Other authors have shared their own variations of the Heroine’s Journey, but for the purposes of this analysis, I will be focusing on Murdock’s model. Hers is both the oldest one I know of, and the one that I personally have the most familiarity with. Though originally conceived as a therapy tool, the core concepts of Murdock’s template have resulted in its use in storytelling for narratives about protagonists overcoming the ingrained biases and preconceptions of society. 

Some notable examples of stories that follow the Heroine’s Journey template, albeit most with different formulas, include 

Beauty and the Beast

The Hunger Games trilogy

The Princess and the Frog

Tangled

Howl’s Moving Castle

Labyrinth 

Star Wars Sequel Trilogy*

Voltron: Legendary Defender*

*Note: Voltron: Legendary Defender and the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy are examples of 3-act narratives that followed the Heroine’s Journey framework in the first 2 acts only for behind-the-scenes conflicts to result in the formula being abandoned in the final act. 

Despite the name, it is possible in theory to have a male protagonist follow the Heroine’s Journey, much like how you can have a female protagonist in a Hero’s Journey.  While nearly every story I know that follows the Heroine’s Journey template has a female protagonist in the lead role, Kingdom Hearts is the first example that I’ve discovered of a male protagonist following this formula. Sora’s arc across the series follows Murdock’s framework so precisely that I was able to correctly predict the broad strokes of how Re:Mind would go three months before the DLC was released. 

Part I: The Beginning

While the Heroine’s Journey mimics the Hero’s Journey in its early stages, it ultimately goes in its own direction. I plan to go into further detail about the differences between the two in a later essay, but for now I will say that while Campbell’s monomyth describes physical plot points and the themes they represent, the Heroine’s Journey formula focuses on the emotional conflict of the narrative and the psychological development of its main characters. The pattern of the Hero’s Journey is fluid and doesn’t have a fixed central theme, while the core element of the Heroine’s Journey is a protagonist coming of age in a society that consciously or not regards them as lesser because they do not fit in with the expectations of the dominant social group. 

I know that some people who decide to read further will be put off by the fact that the names and descriptions of the Heroine’s Journey feature gendered language and focus on discussions of masculinity and femininity, so allow me to explain. The reason for this is that in a Heroine’s Journey, the protagonist is attempting to conform to a set of traits that the audience’s culture values. In pursuing this external validation, the main character has to suppress a vital part of who they are, cutting themselves off from achieving their full potential. The traits they are suppressing are the ones which are often regarded as feminine, while the ones they are trying to conform to are typically associated with masculinity. We see this pattern frequently in movies where the female lead tries to succeed in a male-dominated career field, only to feel lonely and unfulfilled when she finally gets what she wants because she sacrificed the parts of herself that made her who she is along the way. 

Now that I’ve given you a relatively brief summary of the Heroine’s Journey, I can get down to business and walk people through the steps to this template and how it fits with the story of Kingdom Hearts. Note that this is only a basic rundown of the steps of the Heroine’s Journey and how it relates to these games, and I will be posting additional essays shortly which go into greater detail on the themes, character archetypes, and other different layers of the framework that are present in the series. 

Murdock’s version of the Heroine’s Journey begins with the “Separation from the Feminine”. This is the stage where, as mentioned, the protagonist suppresses a core part of themselves in pursuit of external validation. It often takes the form of the protagonist sacrificing their emotional strengths and focuses exclusively on proving themselves in the physical sphere. Sora has demonstrated again and again that his greatest strength is his empathy and his willingness to make connections with others. It makes him a strong unifying force because of how well it complements the people around him. But because this isn’t something tangible in the same way that physical strength is, he doesn’t see the value of it, believing that without the strength of his friends he’s nothing. 

From the way the other kids on Destiny Islands talk about their competitions, Sora’s focus is on trying to prove that he’s just as strong and capable as Riku is. But he’s so focused on proving himself in physical challenges that he doesn’t notice the signs of Riku’s jealousy that lead his friend into the arms of Maleficent. And we see through Anti Form and Rage Form that Sora is still repressing his own negative emotions in Kingdom Hearts III. His narrow focus on external skills has cut him off from achieving the full potential of his internal ones. 

When Sora awakens in Traverse Town after the destruction of Destiny Islands, we come to the second stage of the Heroine’s Journey, “Identification with the Masculine and Gathering of Allies”. This is where the main character chooses to align with the traits and roles that the dominant social group sees as desirable in order to achieve their goal, and where they acquire the allies who will help them in their quest. With the adults around him focusing on his ability to destroy the Heartless, Sora latches onto the Chosen One status that implicitly comes with having a Keyblade. His interactions with Phil and his disappointment with the status of Junior Hero in subsequent games paint Sora as being focused on heroism in the sense of overcoming obstacles with force. Even Donald and Goofy, in the beginning, are focused on Sora’s value as a Keyblade Wielder in terms of how their fight against the Heartless can lead them to King Mickey’s location.

By setting off with Donald, and Goofy, Sora embarks on the “Road of Trials” stage of the Heroine’s Journey. This is one of the few points of similarity between the Heroine’s Journey and the Hero’s, corresponding to Campbell’s “Tests, Allies, and Enemies” stage. This is where the main character faces the initial obstacles and challenges of their quest. In the first few Kingdom Hearts games we have Sora face off against Maleficent, Ansem, and the Organization, before reuniting with Riku and Kairi in The World That Never Was. The final stages of Kingdom Hearts II correspond to the “Finding the Boon of Success” stage of both the Hero and Heroine’s Journeys. 

Part II: Interlude

In a Hero’s Journey, the Boon of Success is the end of the story. They slay the dragon, save the princess, and go home to live happily ever after. I suspect this is one reason why a lot of gamers in the KH fanbase tend to think of Kingdom Hearts 2 as the best game of the series - because in their minds Sora’s quest had been completed now that he had found Riku and Kairi like he set out to do in the first game. His journey, as far as they were concerned, was done. 

(This may also have an affect on how some fans reacted to Kingdom Hearts III, expecting it to be a grand epic finale that wrapped everything up with a bow and left a completely blank slate for the future of the series)

But in a Heroine’s Journey, the Boon of Success is not the end of the main character’s story. They have achieved their external goal, but they have not addressed their internal motivations for seeking that goal in the first place. And as their story continues, they find themselves facing challenges that their attitude thus far has failed to prepare them for. Finding The Boon of Success typically occurs early during the second act of the story. Usually it is achieved in the second half of Act II, but can sometimes happen as early as the end of the first act. For Sora, this was of course finding Riku and Kairi so that they could all go home to the Destiny Islands together.

But because the protagonist of a Heroine’s Journey has not addressed the underlying insecurities which set them on their current path, they “Awaken to Feelings of Spiritual Aridity”. 

They begin to learn that the conflict they find themselves involved in is not as clear cut as they previously believed, and the challenges that come with this new knowledge are ones that their current way of doing things has failed to prepare them for. They may have found their boon of success, but things quickly begin to go wrong until they are ultimately forced to sacrifice their reward. 

The first game already showed through Riku and Mickey that Sora was not the only person able to wield a Keyblade, but because of his heroic deeds the story still framed him as the Keyblade Master and treated him as having a more significant role to play in important events than anyone else. It’s only after he hears from Mickey of the Keyblade Wielders who came before him that it begins to sink in for him that being a Keyblade Master is not a special Chosen One status. He thinks that because of all that he’s accomplished, he doesn’t need the recognition that comes with the official title, and because of that he’s careless and almost gets himself Norted at the end of DDD. 

His failure in the exam is a blow to his self confidence and shows that despite what he had said at the start of the test, deep down he really does want that kind of external validation. His insecurities and doubts continue to eat at him over the course of KH3, culminating in his breakdown at the Keyblade Graveyard. Outside of battle, we see him bottle up his doubts and other negative emotions because his friends (Except for Riku. More on him later) brush his concerns and problems aside. It is very much like Joy from Inside Out doing everything to keep Rylee happy and refusing to let Sadness take the controls. 

When their current way of doing things ultimately costs them their boon, the protagonist tries to go back to the way things used to be. To return to a simpler time and avoid the pain of the present. When literally going back to where their journey began isn’t possible, a Heroine’s Journey story will use this stage symbolically. The main character will cling to a person, object, or relationship that they associate with a simpler time. But as comfortable as the sense of familiarity they get from that is, it ultimately cannot truly address their inner pain in the long run.

This is reflected in the Re:Mind DLC, where Sora goes back in time in order to find the pieces of Kairi’s heart and bring her back. One of Kairi’s most consistent character traits is her fear of change and desire for things to remain the way they were. 

At the end of the DLC, Sora compares his connection with Kairi to the bond between Ventus and Chirithy, a friendship explicitly strained by distance, time, and Ven’s amnesia. In an interview at E3 2018 [4], Nomura commented about Kingdom Hearts III tying into a theme of childhood friendships changing as one gets older, a plotline that Merlin calls attention to after Sora’s visit to the 100 Acre Wood. And in a 2006 book titled Character’s Report Vol. 1, Nomura specifically calls attention to Kairi’s anxiety about growing apart from Sora and Riku as they get older. [5] All of these details combined frame Sora’s quest to save Kairi as an attempt to symbolically recover the innocence he lost when he began his journey.

But while he is able to find a way to renew his connection to Kairi, it can never be the same as it was before, and attempting to go back to how things used to be is ultimately doomed to failure. By the time he brings her to The Final World at the end of Re:Mind, Sora has realized that he and Kairi cannot stay on the same plan of existence anymore as a consequence of his actions. So he takes her on a tour of the worlds to re-establish their connection before fading away at the end of KH3. Thus, we come to the final act of the Kingdom Hearts narrative. 

Part III: The Future Story 

It is at this point that the protagonist of a Heroine’s Journey begins the “Initiation and Descent to the Goddess” stage. Having failed to achieve meaningful success through their old way of doing things, they must look inward and examine the cause of their insecurities and accept that in order to move forward they need to heal themselves. In this step, the main character travels to either a dream world or a physical location that is closed off and forbidden to them, like the West Wing of Beast’s Castle in Beauty and the Beast. In Jungian psychology, this metaphorical dark cave represents the main character’s subconscious, and entering it triggers a dark night of the soul for our protagonist as they are forced to confront the parts of themselves they’ve been keeping locked away.

While Sora knows in his head that darkness is not inherently bad, he continues to rely entirely exclusively on light, on his connections to others, and has not properly accepted it in his heart. In order to truly finish his coming of age narrative, Sora must learn to balance his inner light and darkness the same way that Riku has. And to do that, he needs to look inside himself and figure out why he feels so badly that he needs his connections to others in order to be strong. And in order to achieve that level of understanding of himself, he needs to understand his Animus. 

Derived from the psychological theories of Carl Jung, the Animus in a Heroine’s Journey is an external representation of the protagonist’s masculine-coded traits in physical form. While not every Heroine’s Journey features an Animus, many of the stories I’ve seen that follow the formula do. Usually the Animus appears in the form of a deuteragonist who often functions as the protagonist’s Shadow, an archetypal character that embodies the aspects of the main character’s personality that due to their immaturity they either aren’t aware or don’t want to acknowledge that they have. 

In order to complete their character arc, the protagonist must symbolically integrate with their Shadow by learning to embrace the parts of their psyche that the Shadow represents. In many stories the protagonist has more than one Shadow figure, all of whom challenge the protagonist by forcing them to become faster or smarter to stay one step ahead, giving their interactions with the main character a push-and-pull dynamic as they drive the main character to grow. Shadow figures who fill the role of the Animus also challenge the protagonist to look inside themselves and examine their own emotional needs. With an Animus, the push to grow runs in both directions, with the main character motivating their Animus’ growth just as much as the other way around. 

In these types of stories, every aspect of the character is tailored to make the Animus and the protagonist fit together like Yin and Yang. In visual stories such as film, television, and video games, the Animus’ entire look is designed to complement the main character and they are framed in the narrative as the protagonist’s equal physically, intellectually, and spiritually. This serves to emphasize that despite their surface differences, much of the conflict between the protagonist and their Animus comes from the ways in which they are fundamentally similar. While their circumstances may have led them to drastically different lives, the characters are ultimately two sides of the same coin, and their character development is driven by learning to balance their contrasting traits.

And within the structure of the Kingdom Hearts series, there is only one character who fulfills all of these qualities in relation to Sora’s journey. 

The same character who Testuya Nomura said in the KH1 Ultimania was designed to balance Sora; [6]

Who series producer Shinji Hasimoto said was part of the core of the series alongside Sora [7], as has been repeatedly emphasized by the number of games where he is given a major focus and is a playable character alongside Sora. 

[Image Description: Riku walking towards a door to light in the opening of Kingdom Hearts III. End Description]

While Sora and Riku have addressed some of the latter’s behavior in the first game during their conversation on the dark beach at the end of Kingdom Hearts II, they have yet to truly dig deep into why Riku felt the way he did in the first game. Riku has not told Sora about how he felt like he was being left behind and forgotten. And since that conversation, Riku has gone to the opposite extreme, dealing with his emotional problems on his own instead of lashing out at others like he had done at the start. Likewise while Sora has accepted that darkness is not inherently evil he has yet to apply this to his own negative emotions, as seen in Kingdom Hearts III. Neither character has truly achieved an ideal balance yet, and they cannot until Sora completes his journey. 

After the protagonist returns from their spiritual journey, they experience an “Urgent Yearning to Reconnect with the Feminine.” As the main character recovers from their period of soul searching, they embrace the parts of themselves that they had neglected in their pursuit of outside approval. Their Descent allowed them to recognize their value as a person and an individual outside of their ability to fulfill the role that they were expected to fill. Following this realization, they go about “Healing the Mother/Daughter split”. Reclaiming the aspects of their personality they’ve been repressing gives the protagonist the clarity necessary to gain a different perspective on their old way of thinking. This new understanding is what will allow them to find the inner balance needed to truly complete their journey. 

The Japanese version of the “My friends are my power” mantra often repeated across the series is “Connected hearts are my power.” For Sora, who has long relied on his connections to others as a source of strength, he should come to realize that these connections go both ways: that his friends draw strength from him just as much as he draws strength from them. This should help him come to accept that he is still strong and worthy all by himself. Ven’s version of the mantra from the English version of BBS summarizes it best: “My friends are my power. And I am theirs.” After he accepts this, Sora will finally be able to use the full extent of his emotional abilities.

After achieving that new perspective, the protagonist’s next step is “Healing the Wounded Masculine Within”. This is the stage of the Heroine’s Journey where the main character, having come to understand themselves, reconciles with their Animus, thereby symbolically integrating the aspects of their psyche that the Animus represents and permanently healing the rift between the two characters. This will be where Sora and Riku need to have a longer, more in-depth conversation than the one they had on the Dark Magin at the end of KH2. Where they talk about why Riku acted the way he did and finally address the underlying reason for why he was so jealous of Sora in the original game. 

The final stage of the Heroine’s Journey is the “Integration of Masculine and Feminine”. This is the point at which the main character and their Animus finally achieve a perfect balance between them. They are united both internally and externally. There are no more secrets between them, and they are now free to move forward and overcome the main antagonist together. 

Part IV: Conclusion: 

While there’s too many different possibilities to completely predict every twist and turn of the series’ lore in future games, once you understand how Kingdom Hearts fits into the framework of the Heroine’s Journey, the broad strokes of how the story will go in terms of Sora’s growth and character development are entirely predictable. When Re:Mind first released and the rest of the fandom was reacting on Twitter, I was sitting back with a smug smile on my face thinking:

[Image Description: Emperor Palpatine in Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi sitting aboard the Death Star II with the caption ‘Good, Good. Everything is going according to plan.’ End Description.]

While I didn’t expect the precise mechanics of how Sora went about saving Kairi, Re:Mind was exactly what I expected it to be in terms of themes and its place in the Heroine’s Journey framework, and then the Secret Episode came along to reinforce that the next game is going to be Sora’s Descent.

While there isn’t a complete guarantee that the series will continue to follow the formula, I find it extremely unlikely that it won’t. Kingdom Hearts follows the stages of this framework too precisely for me to ever believe it happened by accident. So as long as there is no corporate interference from Disney like what happened to Voltron, I’m confident that Nomura’s plan for the finale of the series will be exactly what the Heroine’s Journey predicts it should be, no matter how unexpected future additions to the lore may be.

Special thanks to @dragonofyang and the rest of Team Purple Lion for everything I know about the Heroine’s Journey. I wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about analyzing the story of Kingdom Hearts if they hadn’t taught me the vocabulary to realize the kind of story that Nomura has been telling right under my nose for the last 18 years.

Sources:

[1] “Kingdom Hearts III Ultimania interview with Tetsuya Nomura”; March 12, 2019

https://www.khinsider.com/news/Kingdom-Hearts-3-Ultimania-Main-Nomura-Interview-Translated-14763

[2] “Iwata Asks: Nintendo 3DS: Third Party Game Developers, Volume 12: Kingdom Hearts 3D [Dream Drop Distance], Part 3: Square’s Intentions”; April 2012.

https://iwataasks.nintendo.com/interviews/#/3ds/creators/11/2

[3] “2004 GMR Nomura Interview 2004!”; Translation by Kingdom Hearts Insider posted May 5, 2012. 

https://www.khinsider.com/news/GMR-Nomura-Interview-2004-2563

[4] “E3 2018: Tetsuya Nomura on If Kingdom Hearts 3 Is the End of Sora's Story”; June 14, 2018.

https://www.ign.com/articles/2018/06/14/e3-2018-tetsuya-nomura-on-if-kingdom-hearts-3-is-the-end-of-soras-story

[5] “Character’s Report Vol. 1 Translations”; Jul 16, 2014

https://www.khinsider.com/forums/index.php?threads/characters-report-vol-1-translations.195560/\

[6] “A Look Back: Kingdom Hearts Ultimania Gallery Comments Part 1″; August 30, 2019;

https://www.khinsider.com/news/A-Look-Back-KINGDOM-HEARTS-Ultimania-Gallery-Comments-Part-1-15519

[7] “How Kingdom Hearts III Will Grow Up With Its Players.” September 24, 2013

https://www.ign.com/articles/2013/09/25/how-kingdom-hearts-iii-will-grow-up-with-its-players

[X] “The Heroine with a Thousand Faces”; June 13, 2019;

https://www.teampurplelion.com/heroine-with-a-thousand-faces/

[X] Murdock, Maureen. The Heroine’s Journey. 1990.

[X] “Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey Arc”. The Heroine Journeys Project. https://heroinejourneys.com/heroines-journey/

[miserablesme]

The Les Miserables Changelog Part 4: 1987 Australian Tour

Hello, everyone! This is the latest edition in my attempt to chronicle all of the musical and lyrical changes which the show Les Miserables has undergone over the years. Unlike previous parts, this one is not focused on any official libretto changes affecting all productions of the musical. Rather, it looks at a set of changes applied specifically to the 1987-1991 Australian tour. While the tour mostly followed the normal 1987 libretto discussed in the last part of this blog, it did add a few unique touches that are worth discussing here. Many would never make it outside of this particular production; however, a few would in fact be used in later productions of the musical too. Without further ado, let's get started!

The first change I am aware of is in the prologue. Usually the Bishop tells Valjean, "Now God's blessings be with you". In the Australian tour, he instead states "May God's blessings be with you". Not a big edit, but an edit nonetheless.

The next change comes at the beginning of "Lovely Ladies". While originally a sailor sings that "seven days at sea will make you hungry for a poke", the Australian tour switches this to "seven weeks at sea". I suppose this would be a more realistic timeframe for a sailor at the time to be away, and it also makes him come across as slightly less desperate. Having said that, the original sense of desperation fits the mood of the number perfectly.

The very next scene, "Fantine's Arrest", also has a very slight change. While usually Valjean requests "A moment of your time, Javert, I do believe this woman's tale", the word order is swapped so that he instead asks "Javert, a moment of your time, I do believe this woman's tale" in the Australian tour. Not a huge change, nor do I quite know what it was supposed to accomplish, but interesting nonetheless.

In "Who Am I?" Valjean usually asks regarding his workers, "How will they live if I am not free?" The Australian tour changes this slightly to "How will they fare if I am not free?" This slightly changes the mood from a life-or-death situation to a more subtle question of looking out for others' well-being, though it's not a huge difference.

Then, after "Who Am I?" a bit of spoken dialog is added for this tour. Perhaps in acknowledgement of the "You know where to find me!" used in the West End at the time, Valjean shouts "You will find me at the hospital St. John!" after his high note. Similar in spirit to the mostly-scrapped original declaration, though now he doesn't actually trust Javert to figure out his location (which makes more sense to me than the original).

The preamble to "Master of the House" mixes up the genders regarding the bar crowd's lines. First off is the opener, which usually goes as follows:

(FEMALE PATRON)

C'mon you old pest

(MALE PATRON)

Fetch a bottle of your best

(MALE PATRON)

What's the nectar of the day?

In the Australian tour, this is how it goes:

(MALE PATRON)

C'mon you old pest

(MALE PATRON)

Fetch a bottle of your best

(FEMALE PATRON)

What's the nectar of the day?

Usually this was how a later part went:

(MALE PATRON)

One more for the road

One more slug of gin

(FEMALE PATRON)

Just one more

Or my old man is gonna do me in

The Australian tour swapped the sexes of some of those lines, leading to a slightly different final lyric:

(MALE PATRON)

Landlord over here

Where's the bloody man

One more for the road

(FEMALE PATRON)

One more slug of gin

(MALE PATRON)

Just one more

Or her old man is gonna do her in

The ending to the "Waltz of Treachery" has an interesting lyrical edit. Usually Valjean proclaims the following:

Yes, Cosette

Yes it's true

There's a castle just waiting for you

However, the Australian tour gave him this line instead:

Yes, Cosette

Yes it's true

A world of surprises is waiting for you

This gives a much more general promise to Cosette, and is a less direct response to her "Will there be children and castles to see?" question. I'm not sure which I prefer to be honest.

A very small change occurs during "Look Down"; namely, a line originally sung by the ensemble is now sung by just one person. Originally this is how the sequence goes:

(BEGGARS)

See our children fed

Help us in our shame

Something for a crust of bread in Holy Jesus' name

(SOLO BEGGAR)

In the Lord's holy name

(BEGGARS)

In His name, in His name, in His name

However, for the Australian tour, "Something for a crust of bread in Holy Jesus' name" is sung by one single beggar woman (who is distinct from the beggar woman who sings "In the Lord's holy name"). This change would be adapted into the official libretto much later to account for a staging change in which the beggar singing the line walks by Marius and Enjolras to ask them specifically for some extra cash (as opposed to asking for help more rhetorically, as was originally the implication). I'm curious as to whether or not the Australian tour used a similar staging difference earlier on, or if there was some other reason to make the line an individual one.

A few changes are made to "The Robbery". First off, Thenardier tells Valjean "God rewards all the things that you do" as opposed to the normal line, "God rewards all the good that you do". I slightly prefer the original, though it's not a huge difference.

Finally, Eponine's "It's the p'lice, disappear, run for it, it's Javert!" is bizarrely changed to the rather repetitive "It's the p'lice, disappear, it's the p'lice, it's Javert!" I have no clue what this was supposed to accomplish, because it makes the line far messier than it was before. Perhaps this was the intention, in order to highlight Eponine's unrefined self? Though that doesn't seem particularly relevant to the scene... who knows.

Some significant changes occur during "Stars". Not long after the song's start, Javert's declaration is changed from its original:

A fugitive running

Fallen from grace, fallen from grace

Into the less repetitive:

A fugitive running

Fallen from God, fallen from grace

Personally, I have a soft spot for the original repetition, but i do understand why some would prefer the Lord's name being used instead of the vaguer concept of grace.

Soon afterwards, a few conjunctions are removed. Originally Javert declares:

He knows his way in the dark

But mine is the way of the Lord

And those who follow the path of the righteous will have their reward

However, the Australian production (and the London production not long afterwards) simplified the sequence to:

He knows his way in the dark

Mine is the way of the Lord

Those who follow the path of the righteous will have their reward

I suppose the conjunction-free variant is likely to be easier to sing, since the lyrics are a little less rushed. This variant also separates the lines so that they come across as separate sentences, instead of one long run-on one. However, it does slightly bug me that the later line "And each in its season returns..." maintains its conjunction while the opening verse does not. That strikes me as somewhat inconsistent.

By far my favorite change to "Stars" happens towards the end. Originally, Javert sings:

And so it has been

And so it is written

On the doorway to paradise...

However, the Australian production changes the first line in the sequence:

And so it must be

For so it is written

On the doorway to paradise...

The revised line is much more dramatic and forceful, and makes Javert's final promise all the more powerful. It also sounds less passive, which seems more appropriate for Javert's character.

Philip Quast, who originated the role of Javert in Australia and later returned in 1991, changed the line "We'll be ready for these schoolboys" into "I will join these little schoolboys" during "One Day More". This line arguably makes his intentions a bit clearer, though it carries less threatening implications than the original lyric. Interestingly, however, Quast's replacements in the tour revert to the original line.

A very slight change occurs in "Drink with Me". Instead of Grantaire's "Can it be your death means nothing at all?" he asks "Could it be your death means nothing at all?"

Something weird happens during "Dog Eats Dog". For whatever reason, instead of the usual musical interlude that plays as Valjean carries Marius through the sewers, a similar but slightly different (and in my opinion inferior) variant plays instead. It sounds quite messy in my opinion. I wonder whether or not there was some difference in staging to inspire this different version of the music, or if someone inexplicably just thought it sounded better?

Similarly, the usual music that plays as the Thenardiers awkwardly feign sophistication during the wedding scene is given another in my opinion less polished edit. Nothing much to say here that I haven't said in the context of the last change.

One of the more impactful changes in the long run comes in the epilogue. Originally Fantine and Eponine sung the following line together:

Take my hand

And lead me to salvation

However, the Australian tour gave them the following line instead:

Take my hand

I'll lead you to salvation

This makes a lot more sense, since they have been dead for years and only now is Valjean joining them. Some have argued that because Valjean has become the epitome of good, an almost Christ-like figure, it ends up that he continues to save people even after they have passed away, hence the original lyric. I personally don't buy this at all. I think Fantine and Eponine were clearly good people doing the best they could, and if they still need an outside influence to be considered worthy of salvation that speaks quite poorly of whatever God may exist! The revised line is far better in my opinion, and fortunately it would become the standard worldwide in a few years.

And that just about sums this part up! (Man, it feels good to make such a short, easy post after the hours that went into the last one!) If I missed anything feel free to let me know, as my goal is to create a changelog as thorough and complete as possible. I plan on making more parts in the near future covering all the changes that have been made in the show up until this day (discounting concerts). Any feedback and constructive criticism is very much appreciated.

As a side note, both for this project and my own enjoyment, I want as complete a collection of Les Miserables audios as possible. I already have most of what’s commonly circulated, but if you have any audios or videos you know are rare, I’d love it if you DMed me!

Until the turntable puts me at the forefront again, good-bye…

[dragalialore]

Caged Desire & Emile

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m enjoying the HELL out of this event. Not because I’m a Persona fan (never played a single game), but because it addresses Emile and his biggest character flaw: cripplingly low self-esteem.

Let’s chat.

First off, anyone who follows my more shitposty blog (@incorrectdragalialost​) likely knows at this point that I have a soft spot for the sixth scion. I also have a habit of giving him quotes that play up his shitty nature. Emile, the black sheep of the royal family, seems to be a character that is universally despised both in and out of universe. And you know what? I agree! He’s a pretty shitty and terrible person, and I don’t think that Euden should be giving him so many chances. I don’t think he deserves them.

I DO, however, think he deserves a redemption arc, and I think it needs to start with him. Let me explain:

Emile is a very insecure character with cripplingly-low self esteem, and he’s desperate to be seen as equal to his larger-than-life older siblings, who all seem leagues ahead of him. That’s what it comes down to, really: he wants respect, and everywhere he turns he just finds people using him for his royal status or manipulating him towards failure. Hell, Chapter 11 had Chelle tricking him into turning on Laxi and Mascula, and it wasn’t even hard. All she had to do was tell him that they possessed an absurd amount of power. Emile, who feels powerless and useless on his own, jumps at any chance to get more powerful, and it bit him in the ass in the end.

Later, in 14′s interludes, we see Emile trying to garner a reputation the only way he knows how: through showy acts of bluster. Not only does it not work, we see another reason for Emile’s desperate attempts for respect: the common people don’t even know his name.

We can actually see the start of his hero worship in Memories of Youth, where he tries sparring with Leonidas but simply isn’t good enough, and then watches Leonidas and Valyx duke it out as rough equals.

We can ALSO see the start of his superiority complex in His Clever Brother, where Euden clearly idolizes his older brother. Emile basks in finally being relied on for something... and then, of course, Chapters 2 and 4 happen and Emile gets fucked both times. He earns it, sure. But at the end of Chapter 4, Euden says this:

That one line shows that Euden has a lot more insight than he’s let onto at this point. He knows Emile wants to be special. He knows Emile wants his own specialty. ALL of the other Alberian siblings are known for something: Leonidas has his valor, Phares his wisdom, Chelle her espionage, and Valyx his might. (Beren doesn’t count. Nobody knew he existed.) And now Euden gets recognized by these siblings that Emile has been trying so hard to catch up to and he doesn’t. And Zethia? Zethia’s the fucking Auspex! She has holy powers, she prays to the Goddess! Every SINGLE one of Emile’s siblings is better than him in some respect. As a younger sibling myself, I get it. It’s HARD to watch someone else get all this praise while you get nothing.

Now, here’s where Emile has all his siblings wrong: he thinks they all got their specialties effortlessly. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, and as an example, we can look at Euden’s journey thus far. He’s worked VERY hard to get to where he is now--and he has GUTS. It takes brass balls to declare yourself a new kingdom within another kingdom’s territory, not to mention defending and expanding his borders. He didn’t suddenly get that magic touch overnight; he grew his ranks and gathered his warriors, and he trains every day to get better. He has companions by his side to support him, and he supports them in turn.

Emile, though? Emile just... stops when it gets hard. He thinks that he should pick up something perfectly the first time, so if he’s bad at something? He gives up. Sort of in a gifted-child burnout kind of way, but without the gifted part. He doesn’t recognize the amount of hard work that goes into developing skills like that--he thinks they should be as inherent as his own dragonblood. He’s got it all wrong; nobody starts out as a prodigy. You decide you want to master something, and you work at it. And if you’ve grown up with a silver spoon all your life...

So yes. Emile? Terrible person. Treats his allies and enemies like trash. MASSIVE superiority-inferiority complex that feeds into itself and decreases his self-worth while increasing his ego at the same time. He needs a fucking wake-up call--what’s more, he needs someone he respects to tell him that he matters. I hope it happens sooner rather than later, because I’d love to see how his reformation arc goes. He shouldn’t be instantly forgiven, and he should fucking WORK for his respect. Even if Euden’s memories of the past are clouded by nostalgia, the guy has a knack for seeing the light in anybody’s heart, and I hope that he’s right on this count.

[adultswim2021]

Sealab 2021 #32: “Splitsville” | November 23, 2003 - 11:15 PM | S03E06

Debbie and Quinn break up, which causes everyone to go CRAZY! There is also a Battle of the Bands going on with Dr. Virjay and some other dudes. One of them is voiced by Dave Willis, which is always nice to hear. Well, dudes all hit on Debbie, and then she gets into a largely off-screen cat-fight where the dudes are like “SEXY CAT FIGHT YES” and they ‘bo out, and also Dr. Virjay’s band destroyed the nuclear reactor because they think it’s drugs and holy fuck is this a terrible episode.

This is also the first instance of Murphy-less Sealab to reach our television screens. Harry Goz has died. Long live Harry Goz. The episode actually appears in a much different order on DVD. This and one other episode exist as a bridge between premortem and postmortem Harry Goz Sealabs. That other episode is called Frozen Dinner. On DVD (which I assume is presented in production order) they appear before the episode where they introduce Capt. Murphy’s replacement, Tornado Shanks.

There’s a scene in this where Dr. Virjay and his band play Fishin’ Hole by Donnell Hubbard, which I’ve just learned is actually a BAND formed by Matt Maiellaro and Barry Mills. There is no man named Donnell Hubbard. Did I not put this together the last time this song was used (Legend of Baggy Pants)? I guess I didn’t, even though I credit the song to Matt. Anyway, this is the second time on the series that they basically stop the show to showcase this song. It’s a good song, arguably the best part of the episode. I wish they could’ve but a longer song in there, like MacArthur Park.

There were two things I liked: one, Stormy’s card to Debbie which reads “CHIN UP CUTIE” (INSIDE) “I THINK YOU’RE SAUCE-SOME!” and it’s a little picture of a dog with a bowl of spaghetti turned over it’s head. Funny! And then later Sparks says Debbie looks like a steak drizzled in slut-sauce. I don’t think I ever laughed at that line before in my life, but for some reason I appreciated the turn of phrase. It’s too bad the only two gags involve sauce. I guess I like-a-da-sauce (or juice, which is what the line actually is in the thing I’m referencing).

The catfight thing is kinda gross. It seems like an ironic joke, maybe, but I just picture Adam Reed getting a huge boner, beating off between drafts while attempting to get the scene cut down to a TV-14 rating. I guess I wish they either dropped it all together or just cast live-action pornography women to suddenly stand-in for the cartoon women and actually film a nice one that we can ALL beat off to, and not just Adam Reed. In fact, if a caption popped up saying ADAM REED IS NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS during it, that’d be pretty good. So, live-action women slapping each others pussies and a MacArthur Park interlude is how I would fix this terrible episode.

MAIL BAG

It’s a mail bag party / who could ass for more

Kinda don't appreciate the disrespect for The Army Show> I know its your nature as someone who "hates the troops" but The Army Show was more than that. Sure if it lasted passed 9/11 it would have been significantly more reverent to the military but there was no danger of that happening because American audiences cannot take that much screentime of Posehn and a Higgins. They are simply too weird looking.

I watched it didn’t I. I mean... jeez!

Hey dude you mentioned Brian Posehn awhile back and I just wanted to let you know: Metal by numbers, 1-2-3. Follow these rules and you'll see. Cookie monster vocals or yell like a wookie. Metal by numbers, cookie-cookie-cookie. Metal by numbers, 1-2-3. This is the gay part with melody. Even a baby could do it, just give it a try. Sounds like Maiden or Metallica or Every Time I Die

Wow is this real

every episode of every adult swim original program reviewed by a middle-aged dipshit. go here if you wanna start at the start: graphic footage of a live birth of a piglet, not cute, covered in blood and worms

oh I just hate it. I simply detest it. You are worms

I've been wonder why you haven't updated since you posted a skeleton GIF for awhile and then I realized I was going to the wrong blog. Why did you post that skeleton GIF though? LOL!

Shout out to Simpsons Night, my other bad blog about bad shows. I posted it there because I wanted to, jackass

The other shoe has to drop on Eric Wareheim right. Tim knows this and has been doing more and more stuff without him every year while he is out on yachts with noted troublemaker Aziz. I just don't know if I can bear it. What if he tried to grope Whoopsie Goldberg.

I truly know nothing concrete except that he has a lot of sleezy sex and is a traditional horn dog. I mean, the sheer number this guy’s putting up makes one wonder what small percentage of those “sperm encounters” could be “100% lethal”. What I’m saying is that purely on a statistical level there’s a significant sporting chance that he has killed a woman with his dick. But, as long as she consented I can’t complain

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3