#So idk. I guess I sort of came out to 2 coworkers today

[galaxseacreature]

Weird fucking end of the day, y'all!

I've got a progress pride flag pin and a little round ace pride flag pin on my backpack. The progress pin has been there long term but even the ace pin has been on there for probably a year now. I've gotten exactly one chill "hey me too!" in that whole time (nice!)

So ofc it's the day I'm drop dead tired, I'm talking brain absolutely fried, need to get home asap, lay on the floor, and recalibrate type of bone tired. Ofc THIS is the day a coworker I'm walking out of the building with decides to ask what the ace pin is

[pookiescurls]

Personal rant

So my spring break is next week and it’s my last spring break since I’m graduating in may. I went on a big trip last year with some friends but most of them all graduated so I can’t do anything with them this year. So I tried making plans with a different friend early last semester and I mentioned going to Florida or Texas and she responded with “can’t afford it” which is fair, so I came up with a different game plan. So then I asked her if instead of Florida or Texas we could spend a few days in either Chicago or go the the mall of America (we’re in the Midwest and neither one is like a big trip) and she replied with “I’m broke” so I kinda tabled the whole spring break plans thing for a while until a coworker of mine mentioned a st patty’s day 5k were you get a shirt and drink tickets and there’s an after party at a bar IN TOWN. So I mentioned this to the same friend, Sedona and another. And the other friend seems super flaky about the whole thing so I don’t think she wants to do it because she missed pre sign up and didn’t seem super into it when I told her she could still go and sign up day if. But Sedona on the other hand did the pre sign up and was all excited about it and we literally talked about it 2 days ago. Right so I found something that didn’t cost a lot of money and required no travel and we could do together with some other mutual friends (they’re going either their other friends but we’re all still doing it). So then I get to work today and that one coworker comes up and says “I hear Sedona bailed on the 5k to go to Florida” and here’s the thing. We’ve had these 5k plans for idk almost 2 weeks and she was invited to Florida 2 days ago. And I talked to her this morning about it she said that she didn’t want to go to Florida bc the she doesn’t know the couple that invited her very well. But what really has me upset is that I had to hear from a third party that she cancelled our plans because she found something better to do. And tbh that makes me feel shitty and to me it just sounds like she doesn’t want to hang out with me at all. She kept a telling me no to any sort of trip I suggested over spring break but as soon as someone else offers she’s game? That’s super fucked up and I feel super dumb because now I don’t think she ever wants to hang out with me because she always cancels on me ir gives me a shitty excuse to not have to come. So that’s awesome. And the same friend today hurt my feelings even more. So I told her that I thought this guy at work was flirting with me and her immediate response is “he’s into skinny gym girls I don’t think he’s into you” which I heard as ‘you’re too fat for him to be into you’ and then proceeded to say how shitty if a person he is anyways and whatever. So that then got me thinking if I’m too fat or not good enough for a piece of shit what makes her think I’m good enough for someone who isn’t a piece of shit? And I never mentioned liking this guy hell I barely even know him. I just wanted to see if she caught on to the vibe that he was flirting with me or into me and she hit me with that bs? That’s not something you say to a friend. And all of that insecurity is building into something else this same friend said to me last year. I was on tinder and not getting many matches and her response was “well you’re not exactly a 10 so…” and like I know I’m not, I never said I was but that’s still not something you say to a friend. So I guess in short, my friend has said some fucked yo shut to me and made me feel shitty about myself and then goes and cancels plans that I don’t think she ever intended to follow through with anyways and is making me feel like shit about being upset about it. :)

[foronceleavemealone]

Long time no see

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 

A/N: First time writing. Really wanted to write, but I think this is very bad. I don’t know how repetetive this is, but to me it seems very repetitive. Please be kind, but also I’m open for roasting. This isn’t a reader insert, this is more of an OC, but not really either. I feel like it’s somewhere in the middle. The watch that I wrote about is inspired by this watch. Also I don’t know much about 90s fashion, especially work fashion/clothing, I just think those type of necklaces that I made her wear look very neat. 

Summary: She’s very done with work. On her way out she sees an old friend and they begin to catch up.

Pairing:  Javier Peña x OC (I guess? But it can also be an insert. Seems somewhere in the middle for me. idk..)

Genre: angst(ish), fluff(ish)

------------------------------------

She layed in her bed on her left side staring into the distance of the room. Her heartbeat felt a lot more annoying than usual and even in a way painful. She looked at the clock. 4.37am. Not too bad?

‘If I fall asleep right now I'll be able to sleep for 3 hours and 23 minutes, which isnt that bad. I've had worse’. But she couldnt fall asleep. Various thoughts were plagueing her mind. After a couple more hours she couldnt take it anymore.

“For fucks sake” she mumbeled to herself and looked at the clock. 6.42. “good enough”  she got up and went to the bathroom. Getting ready took up quite some time. She did want to look professional one last time. White button up, with a couple upper buttons undone, black blazer, black pants, black heels, a lariat necklace and a watch completed her look. She never liked pencil skirts. Not that it was a statement of some sort, more so that it made her feel uncomfortable. The hip hugging sensation, the way it looked, it just wasnt her cup of tea. Also she couldnt get much field work done in them.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

‘Looks like I'm going to a funeral’ a thought ran through her mind. In a way this was a funeral. The funeral of her career.

She thought about having breakfast but was too afraid to ruin her clothes.

‘Why didn't I think about this’ is all she thought mentally cursing at herself for not planning the little things.

She grabbed an apple, took a few bites and realised that that was not going to work, the nerves were kicking in and food didn't seem like their right companion. She grabbed her keys, her bag and went to take the last trip to the HQ.

------------------------------------

“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?��� her boss asked.

“Absolutely. I don't have any doubts” she said with a smile forming on her lips, but she knew she wasn’t sure. 

“Well, it's difdicult to let such people like you go. It's tough losing good agents. But I wish you luck”

“Thank you. It was an honor working here and with you, sir” she said as she stood up.

“Likewise” her boss put out his hand and she reached out a shook it.

They nodded to each other and she walked out of his office.

It's not that she was a bad agent. Like her boss said, she was good, great, fine. But not great enough. She always felt underappreciated, but that wasn’t the reason why she decided to resign, or so she thought. It was everything else. Both physical and mental trauma. Getting shot left it's toll. She was never severely injured and thank goodness for that, but a couple of bullets pierced her arm once, one went to her lower abdomen and not to mention the times the tac vest saved her life, only leaving a pain in her chest rather than a gaping wound. All of these incidences made her think that maybe she was not only a lousy shot, but also a bit shortsighted, not quick enough, yet she never spoke about these worries and kept everything to herself. The physical scars were fine, they healed and stopped hurting, but the mental ones... She never forgot those moments when she got shot, or when she shot someone else. Losing coworkers left a mark. Losing partners, now that  left a huge mark... After working for what felt like centuries, she started thinking whether this is really making any difference. Is it actually doing any good? So many people dead, so much blood shed, so many lives ruined. Being morally gray? Yeah, seems about right.. 

Working overtime surely didn’t help the situation. She wasn’t a workaholic, at least that’s what she had told herself. Working overtime, obsessing over details and usually getting little to no progress at all led her right into burn out teritory. And one day, she had enough. She talked to her boss about quitting after she finishes off one last case. He tried to talk her out of it, somehow drag out the case, giving her more paperwork or by making her chase loose ends, hoping she would change her mind. She did her job, being the great agent she is (or was), and finished everything yesterday. As she handed the case report to her boss, a letter of resignation was attatched to it. Today she only came in to gather the rest of her stuff from her office and tie up any loose ends, and say goodbye to her coworkers. 

She didn’t have that many things in her office. She kept it simple, nothing too personal. She didn’t even need a box, she had cleared most of the framed honors yesterday. She looked through the rest of the office to see if she forgot anything. She checked the drawers of her desk and in one of them there was something she’d left yesterday, not knowing whether to leave it there, throw it out or take it with her. It was a watch. She hesitated.

“Oh what the hell” she said as she took it and put it in her pocket. 

Finally she was done. She didn’t even stop to look at the now empty office. She was quite done, she had been for a while. She started walking down the corridor. As she reached the first floor she glanced at her watch.

“11am, not too bad” she mumbled to herself. 

She looked up and a few meters right in front of her she saw a man. They locked eyes and something felt so familiar, so nice, so heartwarming. A smile formed on the man’s face.

“My my my, what a sight for sore eyes” she said with a huge smile which almost made her chuckle.

“Sad to hear your eyes are sore” he said and chuckled a little bit himself while going in for a hug. He smelled like he always had (she could never tell the exact composition, but it reminded her of cardamom and cedar) and she found it comforting in a way, especially on this day. 

“How have you been?” she asked pulling away from the hug.

“I’ve..” he hesitated for a bit while looking at her. “I just resigned. Had enough of this bullshit”

“Oh wow. How come? I heard you did a great jo-”

“I did what I had to do. Or at least what seemed right to do” he said as he looked at the floor. “Anyway, what about you, how have you been?” he asked trying to change the subject.

“Oh I... I actually quit today too” she said, with a little quiver in her voice.

The man looked at her and raised an eyebrow. This not only surprised him, but made him a little bit upset. He was never big on picking up emotions and feelings, but this just felt somehow a bit off.

“You? Quitting? That doesn’t seem like you”

“Well, I had enough of this bullshit too”. She forced a smile.

“So, are you done for today then?” 

“Yeah, pretty much so. I was just about to head out. Go...home.” she said with a sudden wave of sadness washing over.

“Wanna get a drink?” He thought that whatever she was going through could be washed away with a drink, at least for a moment.

“It’s like 11 am”

“Right... and I forgot you don’t drink”

“Yeah, I don’t drink. So how about some coffee?”

“Yeah, sure”

“Javier Peña, man of many words, like always” she smiled with some memories flooding her mind.

“Shut it” he said smiling, feeling surprisingly blissful at the sight of her smiling.

------------------------------------

“So why did you quit?” Javier asked bluntly.

“Straight to the point, huh” 

He tilted his head a bit and smiled.

“It just doesn’t seem like you. You always seemed to love the job, the rush it gave you”

“It did once. But it was getting too much. And I couldn’t take it after I lost my partner” she said with a shaky voice. She visibly got upset, but cleared her throat “sorry” she smiled.

“No, it’s ok. We don’t have to talk if you do-”

“No it’s fine. I should talk about it. It’s been months. And the longer I keep it to myself the worse it’ll be”

Just as she was about to begin talking the waiter came and brought their drinks.

“Thank you” she said to the waiter and flashed a smile. Javier always loved how she was kind like that.

“Black coffee? I thought you hated straight up black coffee” 

“Well, I thought I’d spice up my life with something I don’t usually get” she said and took a sip, regret forming on her face.

“How’s that spice?” Javier said trying not to laugh.

“It’ll... It’ll grow on me”. They both giggle. 

“I’ve heard that many times before. It’s been years and still no progress” he said still trying to control the slight chuckle.

“It’s really been years, hasn’t it?” she said and looked at him. They both stared into each other’s eyes for a bit, some form of nostalgia washing over both of them, until she reached out into her pocket and pulled something out. “Speaking of years, or well, time I guess. Here’s what I found”. She showed Javier that silver watch she took from her drawer before she left the office.

“No way.. is that? Is that my watch?” he said and reach out for it. She handed him the watch, their hands touching for a bit and she remembered that day.

------------------------------------

It was a hot summer day and the car surely wasn’t parked in a shade before they got in it.

“Oh fuck” Javier said as he sat behind the wheel. 

“You could actually cook something in here” she said and fanned herself with her hand. 

They sat in silence for a bit. Javier rubbed his face with his hands while she sat on the passenger side with the door wide open, rubbing her right temple. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Javier asked as he looked over to her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He knocked the wind out of me, but everything seems fine”

“He would have thrown you out the window”

“He would have done a lot more, if it weren’t for your quick thinking. Thanks by the way”

“That’s the least I could do for a partner” Javier said as he looked her up and down.

They sat in the silence for a little bit.

“He tore off my watch, broke it” she said as she rubbed her left wrist, which most likely hurt since her facial expression shifted once she touched it. “It was my dad’s gift” she said with sadness in her voice.”I have a date tonight, and I don’t even know what time it is” she smiled a bit, thinking to herself that it was a bit absurd to think about such a thing after all that just happened. 

Javier looked at his watch.

“Well it’s currently 6:47pm. And as I remember you have that date at 8pm.” Javier looked at his watch for a bit too long and unclasped it. “Here, take it” he said holding out his watch.

“What? Javi, I don’t need a watch that desperately, I’ll manage” 

“Just take it for tonight, I know you don’t wanna be late, you like that guy. And we always get too focused on paper work to pay attention to the lobby clock” 

She looked at his hand with his watch in it and thought for a moment before reaching out and touching Javier’s hand.

-------

“Some last day of trainee work that was” Javier said placing the watch on the table and bringing her back to present day. It seemed like he was reliving that same moment. “And you’ve kept the watch for so long” 

“I forgot to return it the next day. And then we were transfered to different locations. I couldn’t just throw it out. I always wanted to return it.” 

“It stayed with you for that long you should keep it” Javier said and took a sip of his coffee. 

“Well it did get me through that date”

“Some date that was. You married the guy” he said with some heartache and bitterness, regretting his words seconds after as he cursed at himself, he should’ve thought more before speaking, he didn’t want to upset her. 

“Some marriage that was. We ultimately got divorced” she took a sip of her coffee to wash away those rancid words with the bitter liquid, but decided that she hated it.

“Sorry for bringing it up” Javier said and looked at his own coffee cup. He felt like he was hitting all of the wrong spots today. Like poking a wounded animal with a stick. He didn’t want to do that. He’s been fond of her from their academy days and the feeling always increased with their every meeting, especially when they moved up from being just trainees to special agents.They didn’t get to see each other as much, but they would run into each other from time to time, catch up. The last time they had a catching up session like this was after the Escobar case, right before Javi went to spend some time back at his hometown. 

“No, it’s fine.. It’s fine. So what are you going to do now that you’re free?” she emphasised the word free.

“I’m going back to Laredo. Gonna spend some time with my dad, help him out. He’s not getting any younger. What about you?”

“Oh, I don’t....know” she said as she twisted the cup of coffee in her hands.

Javier didn’t like this mood she was in. Quitting her job, not having a plan on what to do next. She was always one step ahead, organised. He knew that something was wrong and it broke his heart. She was probably hurting, as he guessed. 

“Why don’t you come to Laredo with me for a while?” this time he said it after some thought, but still it felt like a wild card to him.

She looked up at him, with surprise on her face. 

“Javi I-”

“I’m sure some fresh air and good company would do you go. We have plenty of room at home, you’d be welcome. And you don’t have any plans so” he clears his throat “I think..I’d be a good..idea”

“But, Javi, I wouldn’t want t-”

“You won’t be bothering anyone”

“What about your dad? I wouldn’t want to impose”

“Trust me, he likes company. So what do you say?”

“I mean it’s a big deal”

“It’s really not. Just for a couple of weeks”

“Ok, fine” she said as she took the watch that was still laying on the table and put it in her pocket.

“Great” Javier said as he took a sip of his coffee. He finally felt some relief in his heart. 

------------------------------------

When she got back home it was already 5pm. Where did the time go? They spent their time talking about their academy days, and their trainee days, also talking a bit about the trip. 

“What did I get myself into” she said as she poured herself a glass of water. 

She brushed a hand over the side of her blazer and was reminded of the watch that was still in her pocket. She took it out and looked at it, caressing it with her thumb as a smile grew on her face. And to think she wanted to throw it away. Gosh, what a foolish move would that have been. She never realises just how much she had missed him until they meet again and this time was to exception.

“Yeah... Some date that was” she said as she sat at the kitchen table still looking at the watch, contemplating the events of today. She stopped her thoughts and realised what she actually had agreed to do - travel to Laredo with Javi- and laughed to herself. 

“Well... maybe it’ll be fun” she said to herself, as she took a nother sip of water, with somewhat forced positivity, but excitement too.

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 4 - “I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home.” - Joseph

Raffy

I am glad that I survived tribal. Now I just have to win this challenge for the tribe! I don't want any of my allies to go home!

Raffy

My strategy for this challenge is not to be the guesser since that only puts a target on my back if we lose. So, Joseph volunteering himself is good for my game overall. Honestly, though, I really want to win this challenge so that the stakes are even when we get down to merge. No side has more people than the other. Also, taking the path of the bear lets me know that Cormac only made that alliance for that idol path. So there is no real bond in the alliance with Joseph, Ellie, Sierra, and him. Though, I do plan on using it against him later on if we happen to be on opposite sides.

Sierra

I lost my vote for the next tribal... so I’m a bit nervous about losing. But I almost want to lose this next immunity challenge so that I’ll still have the numbers on my side. If I don’t vote at a tribal and we still have the majority, I’m less likely to go home. Later in the game, my vote will mean more. I also don’t want to throw a challenge, though, so we’ll just have to see how it goes!

Joseph Collins

I think I established some trust between the still-alive Dylan and I. Me and Justin are starting to clock. Me and Elle have a strong alliance. I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home. 

Raffy

You ever just want to organize a challenge so that your tribe can succeed, but none of them want to put in the work? I'm screaming and very frustrated.

John

so the trio is coming together, being me, cormac and zoe. we want sierra and stephen gone. stephen first, sierra second. they both have the potential to be devastating to our games come the merge. i last talked about this with them like 14 hours ago, but i’m assuming everything is the same. blindsides are becoming a necessity. and wowowowowow they are fun.

Raffy

I think we did really well on this challenge! I think we can win unless they have some sort of god taboo player on their side

Keith John

Its been a dull few days. Since we won immunity and the next challenge had ample time to be completed.

Another challenge that I couldnt compete in thanks to the time difference. Abit annoyed. As things can go in so many directions. 

1. Tribe might not be happy about my challenge contribution. 

2. The rapport built during challenges between other players will make things harder for me.

Although since im travelling soon. Il be on est soon. But I am not sure if I should let people know. As I dont know what could trigger them. Example. They might think. Il be able to play more socially and can easily be ready for future challenges like individual immunity. Hence I think for now. I should keep this info to myself and let my tribe underestimate me. Knowing that the time difference will hurt me enough to make me a so called GOAT that at the final tribal I might not have a case as I have not done enough. For now I have no choice. Hopefully i can make a few moves later.

Timmy

I’m trying to remember when the last time I confessed was so I apologize if this is a repeat. But I got what I wanted last tribal. At first people wanted Justin out rather than Dylan R and that wouldn’t have been good for me. It wasn’t difficult to get people to switch since all that had to be done was Justin say like 2 words to people to prove he’s more active than Dylan R so that was good. I hope we win the challenge, our score was good, but there’s could be better you never know until results. My fear is that Justin will go if we end up back at tribal and I’m not here for that. 

Ellie

Because of debate I wasn’t on for the challenge and I feel like shit!! I hope we won or else I’ll provably be the vote out

Sierra

Well, we lost immunity again... and this time, I don't have a vote. That means that I have to work super hard to make sure that we're all on the same page and that votes go on one person. I tried my best during the challenge, and it was super close... so even though I was in the 'hero' position, I feel like I wasn't the reason that we lost the challenge. A few of the people giving clues during the Taboo game used 'illegal words' and cost us a few points. I think we would've been tied if that didn't happen. Still, anyone could go home at this point, and all I can do is hope and pray that it isn't me. Especially since I don't have a vote!

Zoe

okay well fuck, we lost the challenge.

I was pretty confident we were going to win but I was wrong. I'm not too worried, if only because I'm pretty sure Cormac wanted us to throw the challenge anyway, and this way we can get rid of someone we don't trust, whether it be Stephen or Sierra. This way is probably better anyway, because we can say we did our best and nobody will be upset about it.

John, Cormac, and I are aligned now in a group called "The Blindsiders" and we're trying to decide whether or not we want to convince Sierra that Stephen is after them, stirring up some drama and making them seem paranoid so that everyone will vote them out. I'm not sure if we'll go through with it, but we'll see. Cormac hasn't been super active lately, but I'm hoping he comes through soon. He is my partner in crime, after all.

Maynor

Damn. That immunity was so close. 36-32. Adding the ones me stephen n zoe got subtracted. Adds like 3 so like was 36-35 which like really sucks. But hopefully ill be okay for tribal.

Raffy

I am so glad that Joseph was able to pull through with this challenge. This means I get a day where I can just socialize and chat without having to strategize. However, some of these people are hard to hold conversations with like Timmy. I feel like I am bothering him all the time too, so I have to be mindful of that. My social game does need a bit of work, but I know I can make it better. Other than that, if merge does happen now, we are going in with an even split of members from both tribes. So, it should be fine all things considered. I'm certain that someone has found the idol by now, but I do not care much about the idol hunt to worry about it. Hopefully, the person who does is on my side in the end.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/fKN_ePEVYKc

Joseph Collins

Comfy week off of tribal 😎 I made a small decision that I think made a big impact. I chose to take clues via chat instead of call. It cut down on people trying to speak over each other. And I think that helped us win. 

Stephen

So the games going eh. We’re going to tribal, which sucks, but on the other hand i feel like ive made some genuine connections. I made an alliance chat with zoe sierra maynor and john. I could take or leave john, he is nice but idk how much i trust him. The rest im putting all my game hopes on so, yeah, fingers crossed.

John

it’s not a secret, i’m going through a lot right now. i lost a coworker and my cat literally within days of each other, and i’m currently spinning thinking about the game because of everything going on personally. i already wanted stephen out, but to see that i’m number 5 in his eyes, that means he gotta go now. i ain’t coming here to be the fifth place throwaway. i do like chatting with him though, he is a nice guy. but i’m not fully in his plans moving forward. Keith JohnWell its tribal today. I had a feeling my name could come up due to being on a different timezone and having less interactions with people. I felt the same reason would be valid to target to stephen. And now I guess, Stephen himself felt that it could be used against him. So he is targeting me. I have no idea if he has any other reason

Now regarding, keep my ass safe for this tribal, I hav to keep faith with the people I made an alliance. Zoe has got my back. she also confirmed that Its I had an alliance with her n Cormac day one. I always planned to take it to final three and now I pray that they know Im honest in that promise Cormac has been busy and it looks unlikely il get to talk to him before tribal. John and sierra have said that they would do Stephen. Not Sure if Sierra is completely on board. Maynor has replied to me. 

Im gona vote Stephen and pray no one gets an itch to make a move and vote my ass off.  

Zoe

John and I have been getting closer just in general in Cormac's absence. Miss him, but I like John. Keith now trusts me implicitly, which is great. Three people on my side is better than one.

John and I have orchestrated the Stephen vote by making Sierra think it was her idea all along. Stephen came to me, Sierra, and Maynor yesterday asking to make an alliance (four votes into the game? come on) and in "oh, worm?" Sierra suggested we add John, which Stephen agreed to. He believes now that we are all voting for Keith, but everyone, even Maynor I think, will be voting for Stephen as far as I'm aware. After this, I'm pretty sure there will be a swap. I'm preparing now to talk to my new teammates, reignite old conversations, and maintain old relationships. Let's go.

John

i’m gonna flat out just say it. i 👏🏼 do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 trust 👏🏼 sierra 👏🏼. i think they’re open to literally any idea of an alliance, and if it wasn’t for me and zoe reigning her in, they’d be voting keith off tonight. they have to go after this vote. nice person, helpful in challenges, but they’d be a quick flipper.

Sierra

Stephen approached Zoe and I to talk about building an alliance with Maynor. Of course I agreed -- you're always supposed to say yes to an alliance, even if you don't plan on going through with it. I asked if Stephen would be comfortable adding John. He said that he was, so we added John to the alliance and conversations, too. The danger of Stephen wanting to form an alliance so late in the game is that the rest of us already have an alliance. Actually, most of us already have MULTIPLE alliances. Stephen hadn't approached us until recently. That makes me worry that he wasn't thinking about alliances or building bonds until later in the game, or that he doesn't actually want bonds with us and that he's waiting for a swap so that he can jump ship. My alliance is planning to vote Stephen out for those reasons... and honestly... I can't say I disagree.

Justin

This round I just tried to lay low and build my connections up cuz of my name being brought up last tribal. Luckily, my tribe won immunity so I don’t need to worry about being voted out. Now that I know I was being talked about, I think I’m gonna have to readjust my game-plan. I’m think I should align myself with Joseph, Timmy, and Dylan because Joseph and Timmy told me my name was being brought up and Dylan and I trust Dylan more than Ellie and Raffy. I think I it’s in my best interest if Raffy goes before she does because I’m pretty sure he’s talking to the most people. His possible connections scares me and I need to get him out soon because that’s the position I want in the game. On another note, Keith is stressed that he’s probably gonna be the one voted out this round. It would suck if he does cuz I really feel like I could work with him in the future, but it might not happen. That’s why, I’m talking to more people on the other side. Cormac hasn’t responded to me since yesterday so I don’t know what’s up with him cuz I really want to work with him too. John is just having a rough time. First he talks about his coworker dying and then his cat died too and that’s just terrible to hear. I’m assuming a swap is coming after this round and I just hope I get good numbers with the people I mentioned I would like to work with.

Maynor

Im in another alliance. Omg. Its me sierra stephen and zoe. The people who worked on the challenge and also john. This was made by Stephen and its cute. That leaves out Keith and Cormac. Zoe helped kept the target off Cormac and onto Keith which is good because Cormac is part of our other alliance that doesnt include Stephen or Keith. It is good and ultimately i will be siding with Zoe because I feel like i can trust her. Still no movement with idol search and honestly its just been my back for not doing it.

Stephen

I feel like I’m going home, people are super quiet and apparently my names already been brought up :/ Ah well, been a while since my last early boot, still. Who knows wattle happen. Just a little australian humour.

Joseph Collins

I’m wondering who’s on the outs of Melrakki. I think Keith or maynor go home tonight. 

Maynor

Well looks like zoe sierra and john want Stephen out. Which i also feel like he is a threat in the game. It should be 5 on Stephen now with votes on keith and maybe a self vote for cormac. Im just hoping its true and not a plan to have me throw my vote and blindside me. If it is then i give them props because i didnt see it coming. Lets hope for Stephen going. But im so sad to do this tho.

Ellie

Life sucks, I’m glad that I have these people to connect with. I haven’t really been talking strategy much

[wishingfornever]

2/22/2018 – No Contact:  Siesta Thursday

I woke up at 8… fell asleep.  Woke up at 11.  Fell asleep.  Woke up at 1.  Staying awake.

Several dreams.  The first dream was about my boss’s boss’s boss. Supposed to be a woman.  Dreamed I was speaking with her but I can’t remember her face.  Makes sense, since I have yet to see her face. Second dream… Esther.  This one was different than recent Esther dreams.  We were sitting in a room with other people, I was bored and she asked me if I wanted to read an article for couples who broke up and are trying to get back together again.  I considered not going, but I reminded myself that I’d do everything I can to keep her. So, I said, “Actually, I would like that very much.”

Finally, the last dream I had, I was reminded that Esther and I no longer speak to each other and this saddened me.  I fell asleep and I was crying, speaking to these people who weren’t really there.  The room was dark.  It was night.  There was this woman there as well as several others.  The woman wasn’t Ariel, but I had told this woman I loved her but I could never love her as much as I love Ariel.  Then while I was crying, I rolled over to see the door open.  I was alone at this time and I thought it was this same woman and I told her I’m sorry when she approached me.  She got close enough and I tried to kiss her but she pulled back.  As did I.

I realized it was my cousin, and apparently she was fired from her job and she was massively depressed, though she wanted to be fired.  I reassured her, she left my room, I looked outside to this alleyway (that isn’t there in rl, it’s just these apartments out my window) and I saw a lot of rain.  A lot of Mexicans too, like we were actually in Mexico and not a part of Houston that is heavily populated by Mexicans… which wouldn’t be too inaccurate to say, tbh.

Regardless, something told me they were Mexicans.  I saw a couple walk down the street and I was jealous.  Then I saw a man hit another man on the back of his head with a club.  Then the police came.  It was a mess.

Perhaps that dream was a reminder that I worry too much about myself when the world outside my window has… well, the burdens of the world.  Criminals, cops, and lovers.  Idk.

Anyways, the Boss’s Boss’s Boss.  Triple B.  She was supposed to inspect the store today.  Yesterday, I closed.  I did a poor job but I discovered… energy shots make my nose itch.  It makes sense but I don’t have concrete evidence just yet.  It’s very peculiar. Might have something to do with stress?  Idk.

Customers are nice to me at work.  I don’t know how to react.  Several days ago, a woman tried to give me a bag of potato chips and a liter of pepsi.  I told her I don’t drink soda and don’t like chips.  She was nice and I felt horrible for saying no.  Yesterday, I had a can of pringles and a two liter of root beer.  I feel like an ass.

Of course, I hated the pringles and the two liter was to fix my water bottle which had become so dented I needed some carbonation to undent it.  Worked great, btw.

I was given a box of chinese food from a coworker.  Walked home with that.  I have to say, it wasn’t my finest moment.  Reason being is that there was chicken in it.  I felt bad for that.  I’m trying to be as vegetarian as possible.  :/

Regardless, I ate everything.  So consider 21st of February the last day I had meat.  I’ll count until the next day I inevitably cheat. We’ll see.

My manager, the one I closed with last night…  I legitimately think he hates Mexicans.  Dan is his name.  He’s the one who referred to customers as “Wetbacks” and on Monday (several days ago) said kid’s in the store were running loose because their parents were irresponsibly drinking and having a party a little bit down the way. I said “Oh, it’s Monday.  Mondays are the worst days for partying.”

“Mexicans don’t care,” he said.  “They party every night if they could and we have to deal with their kids because of it.”

The last comment, though perhaps not blatantly racist, didn’t sit right with me.  The way he said Mexican… that was an issue I had.

Ironically, I had mentioned to the store manager (Jack) of Dan’s “Wetbacks” comment and how it caught me SO off guard.  This wasn’t me reporting, I was just gabbing.  That day when he said “Mexicans don’t care,” I found out he told Berenice, a shift manager like Dan.  I asked him not to tell Dan about it.  I don’t want to get involved in Workplace drama and if he knew I was gossiping, there would be a major conflict of interests and working would be… difficult.

I hate working with Dan.  He smells, his breath smells, and he’s kind of a hassle.  Bad days are made worse with him.  I don’t have a lot of faith when working with him.  He complains A LOT.  Like so much. One of those.  I try to be polite, but god damn.  Like, he swears up and down that the store would fall apart without him (not those exact words, mind you).

Admittedly, he’s the only one who can do some chores because he is the only manager with a car.  But, still.  Some of the places he claims to have organized are kind of… crap.

I wonder if I’m just too extensive in my job or if everyone has phoned it in.  I swear I’ve phoned it in but I’ve been wrong before.

So, remember how I wanted to message Marjane Satrapi?  Ask her for advice?  Not feeling so confident, so I won’t be doing that.  I looked, and it’s probably a fan page I saw.  I don’t have any chance in hell to get guidance from her.

It’s a shame. When she stopped identifying as Iranian, I could relate.  When growing up, I pretended I wasn’t Mexican.  My dad sort of made it out to be bad, so I thought so too.  Now, I don’t want to identify as American but I don’t have anything else to be.

Dennis used to give me a hard time calling me, “Half-Breed.”  A lot.  It hurt more than I’d let on, but I ignored it.  Whenever I mocked him, he was quick to say, “omg, wtf dude?!” but I never pointed it out.  I guess I would have when dealing with Esther, but I was too emotional then.  Might still be now.

He also called me “Mama’s Boy” a lot with Adriana which wasn’t as bad as half-breed because it was always my dad I had to call or whatever.  I knew otherwise but half-breed… eh.

Whatever.  Not trying to shit on Dennis for busting my balls.  We all did it.  Shane was the worst at it, though.  Like, laughably bad.  Fun times.

Right, Marjane.

I was hoping to get into a discussion with a fellow Marxist and discuss life… how to approach my dad, tell her about Esther, tell her my troubles, just… I need someone I feel I can relate with.  Someone wiser than me.  I won’t get that with my parents because my dad is part of the problem and my mom is too invested in me.

I really feel alone.

Tomorrow, I’ll message Esther.  I’ll call my dad, too.  Esther I will try to make quick.  I’ll ask her if she’ll want me to change her name or whatever.  Try to keep her identities secret.  If not, I’ll keep the names how they are because… well, I’m lazy and I really don’t feel like changing ALL the names on a whim.  But if she wants me to, I’ll listen.  If she blocks me without saying a word, then I’ll assume she doesn’t mind.

Whatever the case, I’ll make it quick.  Let her know I still care… perhaps she’ll see that and open up dialogue again.  Won’t amount to much, but if there is a chance then this is the way to get there.

Of course, the worst case scenario is she blocks me immediately.  The most likely scenario is that she messages me to tell me “Change my name” and then blocks me without saying anything else.  The second to best case scenario is that she tells me to change her name, tells me she wishes me well, and then blocks me.

I can almost guarantee dialogue beyond that.  Life hasn’t been kind to me, but… idk.  Maybe sometime this year, things will get better.

Strangely enough, despite what’s happened since January, I feel like this may be my year.  I mean, it started poorly… and continues to be mediocre, but there are a lot of things that are being released that appeals to my interests.  Like, Age of Empires Definitive Edition is released (not for steam yet).  Kingdom Come Deliverance (which has a bad title) is supposed to be pretty neat, if you can get past his HUGE forehead.  Rome II Total War has more DLC being released for it for SOME FUCKING REASON.  Doki Doki Literature club is a graphic novel about poetry… poetry.

I can’t play of these things, yet.  Like, AoE isn’t for steam or Windows 8, KDC is too graphically intensive, Rome II DLC hasn’t been released yet or I refuse to get at full price, and DDLC is free to download but I won’t be downloading it yet.  Why not?  I don’t know, I figure I’d wait a little while to play through it myself but it’s already been spoiled for me so no rush.

Adela didn’t go to work today.  She was too sick.  Which is great because Max wasn’t in here.  So, I sort of slept in if you say taking a nap at about noon is sleeping at noon.  I have yet to eat and it’s 5. She’s going to barre soon and she’ll leave Max with me.  I think I’ll do some exercise, weigh myself after, have breakfast, then do the dishes.

I look a lot thinner than I used to.  I’ve lost a lot of belly weight.  I also feel stronger than I have in months.  I’ve never felt stronger which is perhaps to say I’ve never been weaker.  I’m ashamed to admit that.  But, I’ll get over it.

Speaking of getting over it, Max is in the room now.  He is something of a pest as of late and has been avoiding me.  He used to be super chill with me but something’s happened.  Now when we’re in the same room, he pesters me until I let him out.  He REALLY doesn’t want to even be in the same level as me.  Like, he waits downstairs when I’m in the room and when I’m downstairs he’ll be upstairs.

Hrm… Perhaps this started when we stopped giving him treats?  I can’t even remember.

He was walking over the keyboard as I was typing.  Unfortunately, his anxiety worsened when discord went “BLEEP” and that scared the crap out of him.  So, that makes him want to walk on the keyboard. And Max has the worst breath (not as bad as Dan’s, though).

Now that I think about it, everyone at work has bad breath.  I hate it. But I’m reminded of myself because I don’t bathe a lot when I’m depressed and I was depressed for a very long time.  :/

Eh. I’m bathing more than I ever had and I’ve never been so… emotionally unstable.  Things change, I guess.

About to walk max.  Tried to brush my hair.  Looked in the mirror. Smiled.

I look like the joker if he were chunkier and more Mexican.  The comic book joker.  The joker there is super skinny, but I have his angry looking smile.  Erm…

The reason for this is because I shaved yesterday.  No more beard.  It’ll grow back.  But… I probably shouldn’t shave.

That said, I now way 241.5 pounds.  What is that in Metric?  Not sure. The US is dumb.  But that’s pretty light.  Last time I measured myself, I weighed a bit more.  I’m still losing weight, but at a slow rate.

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....

[howtogettheshyguy]

Summer girl! I ran into SG at the club with a few other coworkers. He was clearly already drunk and a bit touchier than usual, coming over to give me a hug, staring at me a few times, and coming over to sit next to me/talk to me. One of the first things he mentioned was "are you excited for skating?" and he kept repeating how he was glad I showed up and surprised to see me there. He even said at one point "I feel like I barely know you" and jokingly reintroduced himself. An old coworker was (1

there as well, I'll call her S, and she's a lesbian and goes out partying a lot. So I was dancing with S at one point and she asked me "so what's going on with you and him?" I told her we were just friends but she said she was getting vibes from both of us and then asked "so you wouldn't want to make out with him?" i laughed awkwardly and said "nah we're just friends!" again. She was drunk too so idk how much she remembered of that convo, but I don't know how it came up or how she noticed (2

anything between us when she hadn't seen either of us for a long time before that. Afterwards we all got pizza, and she was saying to him how he should date someone that he already knows and will like his personality and he was nodding (although in a daze) and then they whispered a few things to each other that I pretended not to notice. When SG was leaving, he reached across the table to grab my arm/give me a hug but I just held his arm and patted him on the head, then he turned and touched (3

his head again and smiled at me. Right before he left he said "skating!" with a serious face and pointed at me, and I replied with "yeah!" and a smile. I definitely felt like there was at least some sort of attraction there that night, or that he was feeling something for me on some level. I don't know how much of it he could remember though. Today we were supposed to go skating and I didn't hear from him at all. I figure he's embarrassed, but I'm still disappointed. What should I do/say?

People are perceptive so I’m not surprised that your colleague S noticed things. Especially since there is something going on. Her involvement doesn’t seem to scare your shy guy away, so it’s ok. 

As for not going skating, you could turn this into a playful reprimand. Message him or tell him something like “hey, you owe me a skating day!” and “I guess you were too hangover, you silly teen”  Show him that you’re still ok with him and that you still expect to go out. This should eliminate the embarrassing part. And I believe he will try to fix it  :-)

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s a blog for a reason

Idk if i’ll keep up with this actually or not but its a blog for a reason, they’re places were you can talk about whatever the fuck you want. I said Id do the same thing with my personal blog but also I follow some friends on that blog and they probably don't want to hear about the stuff I get up to or my little depressive episodes. I mean sure they’ll show their concern but that only goes so far I guess. 

Idk I mean it’s just a place for me to talk, I once started a google docs document where I had the idea to start writing like a guide? i guess you could call it but where I would write the name of someone I knew, one of my friends, a family member, ex boyfriends, whoever then I would create an entry of who they were, their interactions with me, my relationship with them and what I thought of them or their like defining character traits or actions that stood out to me. The benefit with this though I guess is that I can just type whatever comes to mind as i type it. Sometimes it could be organized and tie into older posts if I keep up with it or it could just be on the fly stories and recollections of thing that have happened to me or what I’m feeling at the time. Ive meant or at least had the idea to actually physically write this or start a journal where I could do the same thing but that would take me much longer to do where typing I can do much faster and get more thoughts out. Plus writing for so long and about so much makes my hand hurt after a while and I can’t talk about all I wanted to because I can't keep writing. I don't have that problem with typing XD

I guess I could start with some recent events that have been on my mind. So I guess about like 2 months ago? I had gotten a Tinder. That in itself was an event XD Ive always been both curious and scared of it because in my mind meeting someone on tinder doesn't feel as genuine when meeting someone by chance or passing or words between friends to meet someone new. But I had gotten one and within a few weeks I had made quite a few matches, however none of them seemed really into it. Half of them never messaged me back and only seemed to be there for the sake of getting a match, others may have talked back but didn't seem interested in trying to start something or meet up for a date. I had finally gotten one guy to go on a date with me, I had never really talked to him but Ive seen his face around because we had some friends within the same social group but like I said, never really met or talked to him only seen him on like instagram before. We had gone on one date and texted a bit but he just wasnt for me. I called him a “real flower child” is the best way I can describe it. Now I don't mean to offend anyone but also who the fuck is gonna read all this, this is only my first like text blog post no one really cares its more for me to get this out. Anyway I call him a real flower child because he's very outdoorsy and loves nature and Lana Del Ray and has the whole nose ring piercing, curly hair, circular glasses, he actually said once “the world make me sad” as he took a bath with candles and a bath bomb, he also said “wine makes me cry” which I mean ok maybe wine does make people drunk cry but still its all about his aesthetic. Its a fun aesthetic but that’s just not for me.

After him I had an occasional match but I ran into the same problem where either no one wanted to talk and was just there for a match or they never seemed interested. I had given up on the app really but I kept it around because in the back of my head I'm thinking like alright, its all good, I'm a patient person it just takes some time, you never know I may meet someone actually, and then last week I matched with two guys. One that lives on the other side of Columbus and one that lives just outside of Easton. The one on the other side of Columbus is really cute and had a lot of the same interests and is just kinda quirky and fun, I just haven't met him yet but we both want to meet up. Now the other one I’ll just say J, he lives outside of Easton and I went on my first date with him on Sunday. It was a good day, we had wandered around Easton, gone out to eat and saw a movie. He also has a lot of the same interests as me, video games, some anime, youtube, but thats about it actually now that I think about it. He's a little rough, like more aggressive but in a sarcastic way I guess. But we vibe well together i feel. Shorter than me, has contacts, wears glasses occasionally mostly at home really. He's 21 as well which I mean sure Im 19 but I guess thats where Im also attracted to him because he's a little older, he’s more mature than some of my past boyfriends but also has a childish side like me. Thats where we’re similar. We went and saw Mother! which I guess was supposed to be a phycological thriller but it was really dumb to us, it didn't make much sense. I was during the movie where I first kissed him, I had wanted to earlier as well but I didn’t feel like it was right yet. It made me laugh though that that was the movie we saw and decided ah yes, this is a good movie to kiss and cuddle and hold hands to. 

After the movie I didn't quite want to leave yet because I was getting pretty attached to him that night so we went back to his apartment for the night. I watched him play Skyrim for a bit, he let me try out Overwatch while him and his roommate had gone to get her some pizza. Which I thought like alrighty, this is okay, just leave me alone at your apartment even though I literally just physically met you today. They came back after like a half hour, eventually me and him went back to his room, we made out for a good while on and off. He wanted to take a bath together which I had never done before. My last boyfriend had suggested it but I never really wanted to much. We got the water running for a second but I was really anxious, I had gotten my shirt off but I didn't take off my pants. He was already in his underwear, it took me a second but eventually he also kinda forced me as in getting close and kissing me then pulling down my shorts and underwear. I was really awkward at that point. It took me like 2 months before my last boyfriend had seen me naked and no one before him has seen me naked, its just not my thing its weird, I just don't like it much. But anyway so we had gotten in the shower instead, I was still pretty anxious. My legs were shaking I was hugging my body, it was just generally uncomfortable but within a few minutes I had mostly gotten over it. It just make me feel really weird. After the shower we got out and just laid on his bed for a bit still naked. I had gotten over it by that time but there was still some after feelings that I guess I didn't notice as much since we were making out again. Eventually we but our underwear back on and a t shirt and went to bed after about another hour or so.

The next morning we just stayed in bed really until I had to leave to go back home because mom was wondering where I was, I had texted her last night that I was staying there with him so that was taken care of. Eventually I got home and that was that. He had actually invited me to a party one of his coworkers was having that night but I had already stayed with him one night and I had to but up early the next morning for work so I told him no I couldn't which of course he was pouting over a little but in a playful way that you would when your flirting with someone. So that night I actually ended up going to a party at my other friends house till like 1am but THAT was ok because he only lived like 5 minutes away from home compared to an hour that J lived. That was  Monday night, the first date was Sunday and I stayed with J Sunday night. I worked early on Thursday morning but then he came out to my house that afternoon. We played some Mario Kart Double Dash at my house then drove out to my friends house Ive been housesitting for to technically grab some wires for my Wii but then we ended up taking another bath in their huge bathtub with jets for about an hour and a half which was nice. I was used to being naked with J by now. We watched some youtube while in the bath, made out for a bit again. Then we got dressed and drove back to my house. By the time we got back it was about 1am when I wanted to get to bed because between Sunday and Monday night I had gotten about 8 hours of sleep total. So he left and that was Tuesday. Now yesterday, Wednesday I worked again early in the morning, then I went back out to Columbus and saw J again for a few hours, we played some gamecube again, I went with him to get groceries, then me and him went out to eat. Came back and laid in his bed in our underwear again watching youtube and cuddling and kissing until it was about 11:30 then I went home again. 

Idk what to make of J, I like him, he's the farthest Ive been on a first date thats for sure. I enjoy his company but do I? Or is it just because I haven't had any sort of attention like this in almost 6 months? Like I had said we share some similar interests. Video games, some music, a little bit of anime and legos. He's pretty sweet with me but also he's a little more aggressive than me, which I mean Im okay with kinda. challenge me a little, don't be afraid to playfully challenge and fight me. But don't be an ass about it. Idk theres the other kid on the other side of Columbus who I've been snap chatting as well but Ive been giving J most of my attention. 

[definitelynotwinter]

Can you do all the "distract me" asks plz UwU

If i actually fill it out will you actually care?

I’m still gonna do it tho bc what else am i going to do with myself 

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? - I have several people in my life , just not anyone i’m into like THAT 

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? Hell no 

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

This

4: What’s something you really want right now? To feel okay again (:

5: Are you afraid of falling in love? Fuck yeah

6: Do you like the beach? I only went once and it was semi terrifying but also fun

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes

8: What’s the background on your cell?

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? 

My bed , My mom’s bed,  Josue’s bed , and maybe a motel bed if I look that far back

10: Do you like your phone? 

It’s aight

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

They never go how I would like them to, everything is crumbling around me but I guess that’s just life.

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

An old mutual i’ve followed for a couple years here on tumblr, they’re pretty rad. I’m sure they’re the one who sent this ask lmao

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I have 6 poodles so i’m going to have to go with poodle

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional , DUH

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo

16: Are you tired? When am I not?

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? 3 years i think

18: Are they a relative? Nope but I wish bc their family is badass

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? Only one

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? idk bitch i don’t pay attention

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Well probably not just bc i want a fairy tale wedding with lots of stuff so i’d probably PROPOSE 

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? probably not

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? Zero

24: Is there a certain quote you live by? I live by a lot of sayings but I can’t think of any specific ones right now lmao

25: What’s on your mind?  How much I want to end my life

26: Do you have any tattoos? I wish

27: What is your favorite color? Blue

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Whenever I feel like it’s worth pulling someone into my world again

29: Who are you texting? Josue , Nadz, Maka, Carlos , Nick , and Howard E. Scott bc I met him at my job yesterday and he offered me a voice acting job that he’s trying to get approved by Sony

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? Ya

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Everyday of my life

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? DUH

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Everyone else has feelings for me so I get really awkward and hate myself bc i don’t feel the same way

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? All the time

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I’d punch the asshole in the face

36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Tis a mystery

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?  Hell no

38: What do your friends call you? The mom friend , Summy / Summi , Baby child , Smol bean , honey ,  Stephanie ( and I call the other person Becky ) , Jordan , Cas,  Soomer , Summy the Dummy

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? I can’t go a day without being upset by someone

40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yup

41: Where’s your last bruise located? My boobie

42: What is it from? Hell if I know

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Yesterday

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Nick

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? My work shoes

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Sometimes

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Sure why the fuck not

48: Do you make supper for your family? Fuck my family they can starve

49: Does your bedroom have a door? yeah , but it’s broken

50: Top 3 web-pages?  Youtube , tumblr , and gmail

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Every poor person I know?

52: Does anything on your body hurt? okay but like ..always

53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Yuuuup

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Water?

55: How is your hair? Poofy and unmanageable

56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Pet my dogs and check my phone

57: Do you think two people can last forever? Maybe. idk

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? I was literally like 8 years old so ..yes?

59: Green or purple grapes? GREEN

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? Next week maybe?

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Always

62: When will be the next time you text someone? Now 

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? in dreamland 

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. I was asleep 

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I was super in love with a boy named Nick , but nothing ever came of it 

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Josue or Brittany

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Hug but no kisses

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Is the rest of my life going to be like this? Plus I wonder if my coworkers did this shit for an angry customer who entrusted me with doing shit that I was unqualified to do

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Story of my life tbh

70: How many windows are open on your computer? 19

71: How many fingers do you have? how many do YOU HAVE?

72: What is your ringtone? Idk some lame shit , my phone’s always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months? 18 still

74: Where is your Mum right now? In her room wasted out of her mind

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Because he cheated on me and abused me. I literally sat through the pain just for the hope of having that love come back, but I just lost all the hope for my romantic life

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Does my dog count?

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Yeah some

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?  Actually yes I do, I had a big ole crush on this boy in my art class .. I can’t quite remember his name now but i was  super infatuated with him and me and him would talk like everyday i don’t even know how i forgot him omf and then I also liked a boy named Jose and we dated for a bit

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Every Mike I know is a drug dealer who thinks they’re apart of anonymous  and acts like they know shit about the dark web

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yeah........

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? I don’t think ..anyone?

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? do my dogs count

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? who tf is that 

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Josue , but instead of yelling horrible things that are all sleezy we tell them “ HEY HAVE A NICE DATE I HOPE YOU FIND 20 DOLLARS ON THE GROUND “ 

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? Hell yeah , if you do drugs you do not love me or yourself and i do not want you near me.. I have had too many people in my life do drugs and it makes me extremely uncomfortable 

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? Once me and my friend Ivy went to go see some horror movie and she literally acted like those people in the commercials that spill their popcorn at jumpscares , she just down right threw it in the fucking air and i was like GIRL PLS

87: Who was your last received call from? Some spam number 

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? would the butterfly already be caught and i would just have to grab it or what , can it be dead? Can it be fake? can it be a paper butterfly?

89: What is something you wish you had more of? Icecream and money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? YUP

91: Do you sleep with your window open? hell no

92: Do you get along with girls? Um of course 

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? Probably , but some things are better left unsaid. I have a lot of things to say to a lot of people

94: Does sex mean love? As an asexual , very much no.

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? I mean... i guess matters how long

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? No but I should make it a goal to

97: Did you sleep alone this week? i never sleep alone bc i have my dogs

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? sometimes but not all the time

99: Do you believe in love at first sight? Boy i have had 2 love at first sight things happen to me recently and it was so fucking weird like when I was with my dad in a hospital there was a dude outside the door by himself on his phone and i was like so smitten we sort of talked but like .. not conversation but i saw him and i was so fucking angry that i didn’t ask for his number i was like what the fuck how do i feel like this for a STRANGEr 

then that happened to me again TODAY and oh my LORD I WAS AT THE CHEROKEE NATION POT LUCK AND THERE WAS A DUDE ALL BY HIMSELF HE WAS ONLY THERE TO GET HIS ID AND EAT AND MY HEART DID THE THING AND I WAS LIKE WHAT!!! THE !!FUCK!! i am SO ANGRY AT MYSELF I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM SO BAD WHY THE FUCK AM I LIKE HOW I AM

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? My niece , Amy