#So i finished bff cal

[apt502-if]

Hi! I've just finished the demo. I want to know something (sorry if it's been asked before):

1. Does Cal by default have a crush on MC? I didn't pick choices that lead to their romance. Maybe it's just the alcohol, but this scene got me thinking:

As you turn to face the street, you feel Cal's eyes on you. When you look, he quickly turns away, his cheeks reddening.

2. You can get different people in the elevator scene? How?? I thought it's L by default.

Anyway, good job on making the angsts. I always like the nice character and the one MC has a long-term relationship with (bff, ex, etc). Getting both in one IF is... not good for my heart lmao. I mean, I love angst. But angst is angst, right (getting my heart ripped out eventho I asked for it 🥲)?

Thanks very much :>

Cal does not have a crush on MC by default. They're just naturally awkward :P and MC intimidates them. They've circled around their same friends and colleagues for a long time so anyone new makes them nervous.

You can! It's randomized. You don't have a choice who you meet :P the game chooses for you.

Thank you :> you will get your heart ripped out but I will try to piece it back together :>>>> ;)

[forget-you-morelike-fuck-you]

Heartwork- E.M. Pt. 9

You confront Eddie after he's been avoiding you.

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - Epilogue Masterlist

TW- 18+ Minors DNI, smut, oral (F receiving), pnv, protected sex (wrap before you tap, besties <3), pet names (really just "pretty"), cursing, slight drinking, mention of smoking, a lil bit of angst but mostly ends up fluffy (lmk if I forgot anything!)

Pairings- Eddie X Reader

Word Count- 2,989

(Gifs not mine, credit to owner!)

When you pull up to the small house, you see Eddie’s car in the driveway, and you take a deep breath to try to calm your nerves. You park on the street, thinking of what you want to say before you take the key out of the ignition and walk with conviction to the front door, rapping on it a few times before stepping back, your heart pounding in your chest.  

When Eddie opens the door-- gloriously shirtless, you notice-- his eyes widen in surprise as he sees you, and he pushes the screen door open to step closer. “Y/N... What are you doing here?” You breathe in to speak, but all of the words you were planning on saying fly out of your mind. 

“I- Wayne gave me your address.” You try to keep your eyes on his face rather than letting them wander to his toned, tattooed torso, but it’s definitely a difficult task. “I- I miss you, Eddie,”  

Eddie sighs, looking away from your face, and you can feel your chest tighten in fear. What if he doesn’t want to see you? 

“Do you want to come in?” Eddie relents, his eyes softening, and steps back to give you space to enter. You nod gently and step forward over the threshold, looking around. It’s cleaner than you expected, though the incense-weed combo smell still lingers. You remember how his room was always a mess, covered in dirty clothes and empty cups, bottles, pizza boxes... The door closes with a thud behind you and you turn around to look back at Eddie. 

He looks tired, but freshly showered. You expect he’s just gotten home from work not too long ago. He looks toward the living room and gestures for you to sit. “Do you want something to drink? I’ve got some beer, coke, water...?”  

“I’ll take a beer, sure.” You walk over and sit on the couch, trying to relax. You expected it to be awkward, sure, after everything that happened the last time you saw him, but this is ridiculous. Someone could mistake you for a stranger if they walked in. Eddie returns with two beers and hands one to you, sitting just a couple feet away on the couch next you.  

“So...” Eddie begins. “I guess you want to talk about what happened?” His voice is soft, like he’s embarrassed or ashamed. His eyes are glued firmly to the drink in his hands.  

“Yeah,” You begin. “I just... Why, um,” You can’t find the right words without sounding too desperate or accusatory. “Why did you stop?” You take a long swig from the bottle, hoping to find some courage in it.  

Eddie shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I was drunk. And you were drunk. And, I couldn’t take advantage of you. I could never live with myself. So, I stopped.” You look back down at your hands as he finishes. 

“Oh,” You take another drink, breathing in deep as you steel yourself for his reply. “So, did you not want to... just, in general?” He jerks his head toward you, confusion written on his face. 

“I- I never said that.” He asserts, “I just didn’t think you would have, if you were sober,”  

“That’s not true,” you squeak. Your heart is in your throat as a spike of fear streaks through your gut. You fidget your fingers on the glass of the bottle. You feel Eddie’s eyes on you, and you chance a glance up at him. The look on his face is one of bewilderment, like he would never have expected you to say that, but beneath that is something you can’t quite place. 

“What?” he asks, turning his body toward you. You want so badly to touch him, to shake him by the shoulders and shout Yes! I’ve been going crazy about you since we saw each other in that bar! But you hold back, and simply nod, giving a small smile. 

“I- um... Y/BFF/N called me again today. And I was talking to her and I got so mad because she said some stupid thing and—it doesn’t matter. The point is, I was standing there, thinking about how you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. You deserve the world, because you are one of the best people I have ever known. You’re my best friend, my only friend in the whole world right now after that shitshow of a phone call, and I really meant it when I said that you were the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And since I got back—since we’ve been seeing each other again— I’ve been realizing that that doesn’t just extend to the feelings that I have for you as my best friend. You are kind, and funny, and as childish as it sounds, I also happen to find you incredibly attractive and if you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay, I can get over it. But what I can’t get over is losing the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Eddie puts his drink down on the table next to him and moves closer to you, your knees just touching. Electricity crackles through the air between you as Eddie moves to place one of his hands on yours. 

He chuckles lightly, relief in his voice. “I um, I don’t know what to say,” You look into his beautiful eyes, dark and warm and soft as he gazes back at you. 

“You...” You flick your eyes down, finding your courage again as you continue, “You don’t have to say anything, if you don’t want to,” You look at him expectantly, waiting for him to make a move. You’ve said your piece, now it’s his turn. 

Slowly, his thumb draws sweet circles on your knuckles. He searches your face for any unsurety, but he won’t find any. You’ve decided what you want. You want him. He starts leaning toward you, and you reciprocate, meeting him in the middle. This kiss is even better than the one you shared last time you saw each other. This one is sure, and steady. Eddie’s lips move firmly against yours, his hands finding your waist to pull you closer. You let him, adjusting your legs so you can close some of this agonizing gap between you. Your hands rake lightly along his back as he gives your bottom lip a gentle nip, making you let out a gentle gasp.  

Eddie squeezes your sides when he hears you, pulling you even closer. Your tongue finds his, and your hands go to hold his face, feeling the slight scratch of stubble beneath your fingers. You’re not close enough to him, and so you take a leap and move so that you’re straddling his waist, never taking your lips away from his. Eddie’s hands move up your shirt and lay flat and firm on your back to keep you stable. 

As Eddie’s lips journey down your cheek, your jaw, your neck, you let out another little sound, between a sigh and a whimper as you peck feather light kisses to his forehead. “I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Eddie whispers against your skin. “I’m not going anywhere ever again,” 

You squeeze Eddie’s body against yours, not knowing what to say, not knowing if you can say anything as this fog of ecstasy clouds your mind. You rake your hands through Eddie’s hair as his lips continue their journey to your collarbones, leaning back slightly so he can reach, then one of his hands moves to graze along the curve of your hip, settling on your ass and giving a light squeeze. A bolt of electricity tears through your core as you feel it, making you tighten your grip on his hair, your head thrown back in pleasure. 

“Eddie,” You gasp. His mouth is drawing sweet patterns across the tops of your breasts when he looks up at you, his eyes wide and doelike, shrouded in a mist of lust. “I need you,” It comes out as a plea, and Eddie smiles softly, returning to your chest for a few more kisses before letting you go. You move off of him and he grabs your hand, pulling you up off of the couch, bringing you in for another kiss as he guides you down the hallway to his bedroom. As soon as the door is closed, Eddie brings his hands to your face and pulls you to him in a rougher kiss as he walks you back toward the edge of his bed. As you sit, he runs his hands up your body, bringing your shirt over your head and tossing it to the side. He kneels in front of you, lips connecting to your belly as his hands roam your sides and back before gently pushing you to lay down. Eddie then reaches the button of your jeans, and your hips move of their own accord as he pulls them off, kissing the tops of your thighs and down your legs, agonizingly slow. You can’t hear exactly what he’s saying as he whispers sweet nothings against your skin, but the feeling of his breath fanning over you is enough to make you need to clench your thighs together, your hips still moving in anticipation. 

He hooks his fingers under the waistband of your panties and hesitates. You look down to see a lightly furrowed brow. “Are you sure you want this?” He asks, his voice soft but serious. You nod, your breath trembling lightly from nerves and excitement. It’s been so long since you’ve been touched this way, let alone by someone you really cared about. 

“I’m sure. Are you?” Eddie responds with his actions, his lips going back to your thighs, kisses feather light as he helps you out of your underwear. You let out a sharp whine as you feel Eddie’s breath on your bare core, and you need to grasp his blanket before he’s even made contact.  

“I just want you to know,” Eddie gives you a flirtatious smile, “It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so I’m sorry if I’m rusty.” You give a giggle between breaths. 

“Me too. I probably won’t notice even if you are.” Eddie kisses your inner thigh, making you gasp sharply. You can’t help the litany of noises that escapes you as Eddie moves closer, his hand coming to rub along the thigh his lips aren’t attached to. Just as you let out a whimper of “Eddie, please,” You feel his mouth, hot and blissful against you. The moan that rips through your chest surprises you, and you can’t help but push your hips harder against his face as you bring your hands to Eddie’s hair, keeping a light grip on his curls. You feel the vibration of Eddie’s voice against you in a moan, his hand tightening on your hip, fingers digging deliciously into the skin there to keep you still. 

He licks a stripe up your pussy with a flat tongue before moving to suck gently on your clit. “God, Y/N,” You bite your lip as Eddie’s voice drips with lust. “You taste amazing,” You pant lightly as he dives back in, licking and sucking up and down as you writhe beneath him. His tongue feels like nothing else you’ve ever experienced. He’s definitely not rusty, he knows exactly what he’s doing.  

He listens to your body. When he finds something you particularly like, he does it over and over and over again until you’re at your breaking point. You grip the sheets like a vice as you near your climax. “That’s it, pretty,” He encourages you, adding his fingers to keep the sensation. “I know you’re close. Let go for me. I want to feel you cum.” You lose it then, your walls pulsing around his fingers as he helps you through your high, lapping you up as you start to come down. You’re left panting as he kisses your thighs a few more times before he gets up to undo his belt buckle. You watch, pupils blown wide as he takes down his pants, and you get your first proper look at him.  

He’s bigger than you would’ve expected, a little curved with nice girth, too. What really makes your mouth water, though, is the shiny drips of precum beading at the head. You can’t help but stare, your eyes moving from his cock to his chest to his face, which looks back at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He pulls out a foil wrapper from his nightstand and tears it open with his teeth, rolling the condom down his length before climbing on top of you, taking his time as he kisses up your body. You reach behind you and unbuckle your bra, wanting to be as close to him as possible. It lands somewhere to the right of you and Eddie immediately lets his tongue graze over one of your nipples, eliciting a whimper from you. He takes it in his mouth and sucks gently, and you become mesmerized with his tongue as he circles it around, sucking again before languidly dragging his lips to the other side for the same treatment. You can’t help but buck your hips up, just barely feeling the heat of Eddie’s hard cock graze your stomach. One of Eddie’s hands slides up your body, not stopping until he reaches your hand, your fingers intertwine as he brings it above your head. 

“I’m gonna be honest here,” Eddie’s lips are traveling back up to your neck, near your ear as he whispers. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to control myself once I’m inside you.” He trails his lips along to the other side, “So, you tell me what you want me to do, and ’ll do it. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll break you,” he lets out a breath of a laugh, sounding almost embarrassed. You bite your lip at his words, the craving for Eddie only getting more intense as the seconds tick past. 

“And what if I want to be broken?” Your free hand finds its way back to Eddie’s face, bringing his lips to yours again for a slow, wanton kiss. As you break, Eddie’s eyes find yours, his free hand coming to cup your cheek like yours on his face. His thumb brushes over your cheekbone as he contemplates your reply, a devilish smile growing.  

“Then who am I to say no to a pretty face like that?” He finally whispers, crashing his lips back into yours. You widen your legs as Eddie’s hand reaches down to position himself at your entrance and pushes himself in. You both moan into each other’s mouths as you feel him stretch you open. Your free hand clings to his back, nails digging in to the skin, foreheads pressing together as you melt into one another. You’re both panting as Eddie wastes no time, his hips snapping against you with a force that makes your breast bounce on your chest. The noises Eddie makes as he buries his face in your hair are downright sinful, and it only spurs your pleasure to hear them. 

Your breath comes in short pants, hands running along his body, craving the feeling of every inch you can touch. Your lips press against the side of Eddie’s face, along his jaw, sucking soft bruises in the skin as you move with each other, finding your rhythm to maximize this utter bliss. Eddie comes to kiss you again, positioning his body a bit differently, and it hits a spot inside you that makes you whine into his mouth. You feel him smile against your lips. “That feel good, sweetheart? Tell me how it feels,” This sends your mind into a frenzy as try to form a coherent thought. 

“You... You feel s-so... So fucking good,” Your pathetic whimper that follows makes Eddie stutter his hips a moment, no doubt trying to stall his release so you can find yours one more time. He picks up his pace, his mouth finding a nipple and sucking harshly. The hand holding his squeezes like a lifeline, your other finding his hair in a gentle pull. You’re getting close now, you can feel the orgasm building in your abdomen. “Eddie,” You whine, “Please... Please don’t stop,” Eddie lets out what sounds like a growl, the hand on your hip tightening to a bruising force. 

“I’m not gonna stop,” He promises between licks. “You’re gonna cum for me.” He says it with such surety. It’s intoxicating, and it gets you that much closer. Your cries become louder as you reach the precipice of your release, and the second Eddie gives a word of encouragement, “Cum for me,” you break, feeling your walls tremble around Eddie’s cock, arching your back as Eddie keeps fucking you through it.  

Moments later, Eddie’s hips stutter against yours, a glorious whimper passing his lips as he cums, thrusting a few more times, deep into you, before stilling, his lips finding yours with wanton need. You kiss like that for a few more minutes, before Eddie gently pulls out of you, both of you still panting as he lays next to you. You look at each other through the messy halo of hair, smiling as your breath returns to normal. “Do you wanna stay the night with me?” Eddie asks. You laugh, turning on your side and brushing the hair out of your faces to see him better.  

“Yeah, I’d like that,” You graze your thumb over his cheek sweetly before a mischievous smile lights up your lips. “Any chance we can do that again before bed, though?” Eddie lets out a hearty laugh, his eyes squinting in joy before moving closer to you, his face hovering next to yours. 

“I think that could be arranged,” He muses, pulling you in for another kiss as you laugh together. 

@corrodedcoffincumslut @haylaansmi @bebe07011

[something-tofightfor]

Everybody do themselves a favor and get in on this from chapter one.

Marcus Pike + longstanding friend + post fun-vortex Teresa + GHOSTS?????? How could you not want to read this?

How could you not want to end spooky season with this type of beautifully written story?!!?!

And Alyssa - I love the backstory you've created here. I love how you made me care about these people that are long dead. I love how it feels like this house has history - and it means that this get together there is more meaningful and tied to history and there's a REASON behind it all - it's not just a random campus building that people want to keep up / restore ... it's significant.

You know what else is significant? The fact that Marcus is her best friend, and she's been there through a marriage and a failed relationshop and distance. She's been there for him (and with him occasionally) and they're still close - and I love that for them. They need a constant, good and reassuring presence ... and this is it. And the fact that he's there for a big event for her? The fact that he came to support her - and actually bought a ticket and didn't expect BFF treatment?

He's not looking for a free ride, he wants to support his friend and I love him for it.

It's also really fortunate that he's there when she gets the news of the body and extra painting, because not only is he support, he's HEAVY support and has some pull - there's no one better and I can't wait to see more of these two and where this goes.

I have so many questions:

who is the body

where did it come from

why is it there

how did the painting get there without anyone seeing?

have you ever eaten these disco fries yourself?

what cologne does marcus wear

does he offer to stay with her / have her stay with him because she's so freaked out?

how miserable are Teresa and Jane?

does marcus have his scruff here or is he cleanshaven?

does marcus extend his 3 days and turn it into an actual work case?

how spooky are these ghosts? because if my husband killed my one true love and then suffocated me, I'd be pretty pissed, even wehn people were just trying to help (like I assume Marcus and Reader are going to)

I hope that as we go along, there's more revealed about Eliza and Cal and Henry - and what happened to the kids. Because I'm sure they knew something was up, even if they weren't exactly sure what it was. Also I hope they find Cal's body, since it deserves a proper burial. And i hope that she finishes Eliza's painting and gives her some closure and turns her - and Cal - from lingering ghosts with unfinished business to ghosts that are content and can either leave the house for good and be at peace ... or simply stop being upset and enjoy the forever in the house.

Either way - or if something else totally different happens - I'm all in. I can't wait to read more and I hope you know how much I love your marcus .... so PLEASE keep plowing through writing this one (hopefully with no more fever). I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

Unfinished - Part One: Love is Like Ghosts

A/N: Happy Spooky Season, friends! This story has been marinating in my brain for the last few months, and I am super excited to share it with you. It's my first stab at something truly spooky, and though this part is mostly set up, the next few should hopefully bring the scares. If anyone is curious about the inspiration for this story, please please please feel free to ask because I have LOADS to say about it! I hope you guys enjoy my ghosties!

*Chapter title comes from Love Like Ghosts by Lord Huron*

Warnings: death, illness, murder, infidelity (not Reader and Marcus) mention of loss of parent, language

Word Count: 4,723

Summary: Maplewood Manor has a long history, not all of it pleasant, and not all of it known. You and Marcus also have a long history, and when you reunite for a few days, both of those long histories become intertwined.

Maplewood Manor - October 30, 1868

Henry Ashford stood at the window of his wife’s sickroom with a decision to make. 

His hands gripped the wood that framed the panes of glass as he watched three bright orange leaves swirl through the chilly autumn air on their way to the ground. Ever since he was a child he had been fascinated by the colorful display of the changing fall foliage, the leaves seemingly celebrating their own impending demise by turning as bright and beautiful as they could before departing from the branches they were born to. Once they’d fallen, he would traipse through the grounds in search of the right one - one with perfectly shaped edges or the most vivid golden hue. Bringing it back inside he would take it to his mother, the woman pressing it under glass to preserve it through the colorless winter. Henry would hang the glass encased leaf in his window like a suncatcher, marveling at the ghost of autumn he’d captured until Spring came again with its buds and blossoms. And then the leaf would be discarded, the glass awaiting its next specimen until he outgrew the childish hobby. 

Or perhaps outgrew was the wrong word for it. The fascination with preserving the beauty of things that had died stuck with him, stoked and fed by his father’s work in the burgeoning field of photographic technology. James Ashford was the owner of the largest camera company on the East coast, and the invention of the daguerreotype took his sales to new levels, solidifying the Ashford fortune for generations to come. At the same time it solidified Henry’s interest in a new method of preservation - postmortem photography. 

It was a strange thing for a young man to be interested in, and as such, Henry himself was regarded as a bit strange. Nevertheless when the time came to marry, a suitable match was made for him in the form of Eliza Cutwright, the daughter of a wealthy banker from Philadelphia. It was not a marriage of romance, nor was it one of shared interests. Though she was wed to one of the most influential men in the photography industry, Eliza preferred the majesty of oil based portraits and pencil sketches to the cold reality of anything caught by a camera lens. It was rendition, interpretation, that she found fascinating - the way an artist would paint their version of the truth, the world as it was through their eyes, with emotion and passion. Not the scientific chemical process of taking and developing photos. 

The Ashfords though, like any respectable family of the time, functioned as they were meant to. They hosted and attended high society events, Eliza playing the role of the ever-devoted wife, always a smile on her face, her arm always linked with Henry’s while they laughed and hobnobbed with investors and socialites. They had two children - a son, Edwin, and a daughter, Josephine - ensuring that their family legacy would live on for future generations. On paper, Henry and Eliza Ashford were an enviable couple. 

Behind closed doors though, they hardly had anything to do with one another. Each year that passed seemed to widen the gap between their mindsets, every bit of growth that Henry’s company saw driving Eliza further into her love of the traditional arts. He spent more and more time in their townhome in the city, giving the excuse that he was busy with running his father’s company and leaving Eliza on her own at Maplewood, only returning when decorum called for it. It kept both of them happier and made it easier for Henry to stomach his wife’s obsession with fighting against modernity. 

In turn, Eliza felt freer in her husband’s absence to commission artwork for their home, to visit galleries and meet with artists. In the Spring of 1868, while at tea with a friend, she was reacquainted with one of the first artists she had ever met - Calvin Harper. 

Cal was the son of the artist that Eliza’s parents had commissioned to create both individual and family portraits of the Cutwrights, and he would tag along with his father when he came for sessions. While the rest of Eliza’s family had their turns sitting for Cal’s father, she and the boy, roughly the same age, would play in the gardens or else in one of the house’s many rooms. The only time Cal would be at his father’s side, watching each painstaking stroke of the brush, was when Eliza was his subject. Mr. Harper would later credit Eliza for Calvin’s interest in art. Their friendship, though not one of equal social status, was allowed to continue even after Cal’s father had completed his work, but it was terminated the minute Eliza was betrothed to Henry. It wasn’t proper for a married woman to keep company with bachelors. 

Especially bachelors that same married woman had always harbored affection for. 

But when she saw a piece hanging in her friend Grace Felton’s parlor, the same movement and light present in every brushstroke and the familiar C.H. signature in the corner, she knew at once that it was Cal’s work. Grace had purchased some of his paintings and had taken his information so that she could hire him to do portrait work. At Eliza’s request, she put the two old friends back in touch, and though it had been nearly a decade since they’d seen each other last, nothing had changed between them. Their friendship was rekindled as though it had never been dampened, Eliza inviting Cal to Maplewood and commissioning him for the same work that her father had hired his for. 

He started with portraits of Edwin and Josephine, the children taking an instant shine to their mother’s childhood friend, running to greet him when he arrived, stuffing little bouquets of wildflowers or interestingly shaped rocks into his hand as gifts. Josephine had even made him a drawing, once, the girl beaming as he heaped praise upon it. He reciprocated with sweets and the occasional small toy. By the time both of their portraits were finished, Cal had himself two little shadows that sat and watched in awe as he painted, just as he used to watch his father. The way that they interacted only made Eliza’s heart grow more fond of him, and he more so of her. She began to imagine what it would have been like had she and Cal never been separated, daydreaming a life where they’d been together the entire time, where Edwin and Josephine were his and the four of them were a family. Where she’d never met Henry Ashford and never had to pretend to be anyone other than who Cal Harper knew her to be. 

The affair seemed inevitable, largely because neither party did anything at all to stop it. It began while Eliza sat for her portrait, the little willpower that either of them had to keep things plutonic vanishing entirely once Cal’s eyes studied every detail of her face, once she watched the lick of his tongue against his lips as he concentrated. They were careful not to let the maid or the butler see, and they never shared more than a brief embrace in front of the children, not wanting to drag any of them into things should Henry arrive home unannounced. But during the week or so that Cal stayed at Maplewood while he worked on a painting of the house and grounds, he and Eliza took every chance they could to slip away to the meadow at the edge of the property, or else up and away into one of the many spare rooms. 

The one that ended up being the last room either of them ever set foot in, actually. The room that eventually became Eliza Ashford’s sickroom. 

Just as the affair itself seemed imminent, so too was Henry catching wise to it. He met Cal on a visit back home, the artist taking the opportunity to start Henry’s individual portrait while he was available, setting Eliza’s aside to finish once he was gone again. Nothing happened then to tip him off about what happened while he was away, the two men saying very little to one another but remaining civil. Despite his affinity for photography, Henry was actually quite pleased with the outcome of Cal’s work, bestowing a handshake on him. It wasn’t until all four Ashfords were sitting as a family that Henry picked up on the attraction humming between the artist and his wife - and between the artist and his children. 

It wasn’t as though he remained loyal to Eliza while he was away. Henry had at least two women in Philadelphia that Eliza knew about. But a man of his stature was almost expected to have a mistress, and so long as there were no bastards involved and no one important caught wind of the man stepping out on his wife, it was like it never happened. 

What enraged Henry about Cal and Eliza’s tryst was the fact that it occurred in their home. It was the fact that Eliza had allowed Cal to become close with the children. It was the idea that Edwin or Josephine might slip and mention their mother’s good friend who spent long weekends at Maplewood while their father was gone. It was the ramifications of a leader in the camera industry’s wife spreading her legs for a common artist. It was pride, more than anything. 

He knew for certain that something existed between the two when Eliza fell ill and Cal still came to Maplewood. He’d given the excuse of needing to refine the painting of the house - more detail in the cornices or better color matching to the stained glass windows - but that hadn’t kept him from making a stop to see her. The final nail in the coffin had been the sketches Cal had brought to show Eliza, hoping that they would lift her spirits - sketches of her, not a stitch of clothing to cover her body, sketches of the two of them together in positions he dreamed of during their ten years without contact. Sketches that included birthmarks that only Henry should know about on Eliza’s body. Sketches that fell out of his bag and that Henry found on the floor of the hallway outside Eliza’s room. 

The doctors said it was consumption, but the medical world would likely later redefine her condition as a type of lung disease, non-infectious, which was why no one else caught what was killing her. She may even have survived her illness given a few more weeks to recover. But those sketches became her true cause of death. Cal’s, too. 

Edwin and Josephine had been sent to stay with their governess at the townhome in the city while their mother was sick since no one knew that it wasn’t contagious. The staff had been pared down to just the housekeeper, who had gone into town to go shopping, so there was no one home to hear the gunshot that tore through Cal’s skull, and there was no one home to stop Henry from aiding Eliza’s death with a pillow over her face. 

Which led Henry to the decision that he needed to make. The way he saw it, he had three options. 

The first was to turn himself in for the murder of his wife and her lover. He would go to prison. His father’s company, his company, would be dragged through the mud, and Edwin and Josephine would likely never speak to him again, let alone have anything of his to carry on which was the whole point of their births. This was the option he gave the least amount of thought to. 

Option number two was to follow Eliza and Cal by swallowing a bullet of his own. In his eyes it was preferable to prison. There was even the possibility that when the three bodies were discovered, authorities would assume it was a murder-suicide committed by Cal. The children would grow up traumatized by the story of their parents’ murders, but Henry figured that would already be the case after losing their mother so young. The company would survive, and nothing of the estate would be liquified. Henry didn’t want to die, though, so he put that one out of his mind, too. 

That left the third and final option - disposing of Cal’s body before anyone returned, and passing Eliza’s murder off as a natural cause. Because he hadn’t shot her, there was no wound. It would be easy to say she’d died in her sleep. Cal had fallen in the center of an area rug, which meant that the mess was contained and would be simple enough to bundle up and drag into the cellar. The floorboards were removable, and there was plenty of space for a 5’11” corpse to never be found. 

Turning from the window pane and back to the gruesome scene in front of him, he made his choice. 

It wasn’t until both bodies had been dealt with that Henry noticed the easel in the corner of the room, Eliza’s half-finished portrait staring through him from an otherwise featureless face. 

–  –  –  

Maplewood Manor - October 30, 2023

You sat at the long elegant dining table going over the notes for your lecture and listening to the murmur of the crowd as people shuffled into the next room to take their seats. 

Sounds like a full house out there. 

As a member of the Society for the Restoration of Maplewood Manor, you were obligated to host one fundraising event that was open to the public a year, and whenever you could, you chose to do something that had a Halloween spin on it. Other members chose things like tea parties, dinner dances, or summer barbeques on the sprawling lawns. People from the area - and even some from further away - would purchase tickets, and then whoever was in charge of the event would round up sponsors to donate whatever was needed so that 100% of the profits could go back into the maintenance and repair of a two hundred year old estate. 

Maplewood had been in rough shape until the fifties, the deed falling into the township’s hands when the last owner had passed and there was no one looking to move in. It was turned temporarily into an art gallery, which had done severe damage to the walls and floors, not to mention the botched job that some electrician had done with the wiring of overhead lights. Eventually the property was purchased by a local university and that’s when the serious repair work had begun and the Society formed. Years later you would end up attending the college, which was how you got involved with the restoration, and though you’d graduated almost twenty years ago, you were still an active member. 

The event that you were hosting was entitled Unfinished Business: Ghosts Caught on Canvas. You’d decided to go with something that combined your interests and skills. You were an artist by trade, but your focus was very atypical. Though you did also create your own original works, you’d made your name in the art world by completing works that had been left incomplete by their creators’ deaths. Sometimes the families of the artists would commission you, other times you were contacted by museums, universities and private collectors. In a way, you felt like you were bringing closure to the people who hired you, and to the actual pieces of art themselves. Your lecture didn’t include any of the pieces that you’d worked on, all of the ones you’d chosen to highlight still unfinished and baring all of the sketchy lines and over-painted areas that showed how their artists were still unsure or undecided about how that portion of the piece would look when it was done. 

To your surprise, the event sold out in under a week when normally tickets for these events would still be available at the door. You were glad that you’d been able to contribute something so beneficial to the restoration society. But an even bigger surprise came in the form of one of the attendees on your guest list - Marcus Pike. 

You smiled to yourself as you recalled the message you’d sent him as soon as you saw that he had purchased a ticket. This really you? You’d sent it along with a screenshot showing his RSVP, and within seconds he had responded. Do you know any other Marcus Pikes? It had made you roll your eyes and snort, but at the same time it filled you with excitement. You hadn’t seen much of Marcus in the past few years while he was in Texas, and hadn’t spent a Halloween with him since the year after the two of you graduated college. 

Which sucks, because he’s so much fun around this time. And… and I miss him. 

Though you’d remained as close as you could from so many states away, nothing beat the few times you’d visited one another when he had time off from work. But none of those visits had been in the month of October. Another smile climbed your cheeks - along with a splash of heat - as you thought back to the first Halloween you spent with him, and the night that the two of you met. You and Kelly, your roommate, were hosting a costume party, and you were meeting her new boyfriend for the first time. Though their relationship wouldn’t last, you had formed a friendship with the cute guy from 2E who showed up in an impromptu sheet-ghost getup that would at times border on something more but never truly solidified into anything official. You’d kissed a few times, even slept together once, and more than a few of both of your friends had assumed that you would end up together. 

But then Marcus had moved south to start his career, and the will they won’t they question seemed to be answered with a won’t. And then he met and married Erin, and even when the marriage quickly came apart, you never really considered that the two of you would shift gears. 

And then there was Teresa. 

You wrinkled your nose at the thought of the woman and the bullshit that you knew she put Marcus through. In a way, you were glad that they hadn’t worked out, because you didn’t think you could stomach being nice to someone who had toyed with your best friend the way that she had. But at the same time, you felt for him, because you knew that when Marcus went in on a relationship, he went all in. He fell hard, which made it hard for himself to get back up sometimes. Moving back East to D.C. was good for him in that regard, and selfishly, it was good for you, too, because him being only two hours away meant that more regular visits were back on the table. 

Your phone chimed on the table next to your notes, and you couldn’t help the way your face broke into a grin as you read the text displayed on the screen. Just got here. Place looks great, can’t wait to hear your lecture! Another text bubble popped up that made you pull your bottom lip between your teeth. And to seeing you. 

Before you could respond, Xander, one of the grad students who was part of the restoration society, poked his head into the room where you sat to let you know that you were all set to start. 

“Thanks, X.” You smiled at him and gathered your note cards before heading into the next room. 

Thanking everyone for coming - and honing in on Marcus as you said it - you launched right into your presentation. 

“Real quick, before I start, how many of you all have been on a supposed haunted tour? Of a house or a city or graveyard?” You paused to let people respond, counting the raised hands in the room. About half of them were in the air. Not surprised. You smirked. “Now keep your hand up if you actually saw a ghost on any of those tours.” A ripple of laughter went through the room as every hand dropped back down. “That’s what I thought. Now, show of hands, how many of you really truly believe in ghosts?” 

This time, only a few people put their hands up. Again, not surprised. But you acted surprised anyway. “Really? Almost everyone in here has paid money to go on a ghost tour, but only four of you actually believe in ghosts?” 

That got another round of chuckles, Marcus’ hitting your ear over the rest. “Well, don’t worry. I’m not asking you to believe in ghosts tonight. The word belief implies that I’m expecting you to put your blind faith in something without being able to prove that it’s true. But I have proof. Solid, physical proof of ghosts that exist here in our world. So I’m not asking you to believe. I’m telling you that ghosts are real. And now I’m going to show them to you.” 

You could feel the rush of anticipation in the room, everyone going from joking and laughing to scooting forward in their seats at your promises. For the next hour and a half, you went over the selected works, pointing things out and connecting each piece with its artist, sharing facts and stories about them when they were relevant or entertaining. 

“You can still see the sketches underneath, right here. In this corner of the image. It’s almost as though the artist hadn’t decided yet - should the wings be unfurled or folded? The pencil lines here and here would indicate that originally they were open, spread wide. But from the beginnings of the brushstrokes over here it seems like maybe he was considering a different pose. And we’ll never know which way it was intended to be, or if the wings would even still be there in the final piece. So in a way, the painting itself is haunted, full of the ghosts of the artist’s original intentions.”

You finished up your talk by briefly explaining how you did your job - how you tried to immerse yourself in the mindset of the artist by gaining access to their journals, letters, photographs or any information about their life at the time that they were working on the piece, and then do your best to match the different styles and color palettes to complete the picture. Wrapping it up by thanking everyone again, you let people know that refreshments were available in the dining room and that you’d be available for any questions for about a half hour. Most people made their way in for snacks, but a few lingered for your informal Q & A. You gave them your undivided attention, which was difficult knowing that Marcus was hovering just beyond the small group that had formed around you and the six easels behind you. 

But there was no urgency, no rush to finish up and spend time with him, because he had four days off and was planning to spend three of them catching up with you. When you were finally done and the last person had thanked you for your time, you turned to Marcus and blew out a huff. “Well that went well I think.” 

He grinned wide, the expression lighting up his eyes. “You think?” Without warning, he moved in to wrap you in a hug, arms winding around you and giving a brief, tight squeeze. “You did great.” 

Returning the hug, you laughed. “Thanks, Marcus.” The scent of his cologne hit your nose and you had to stop yourself from burrowing into his neck to inhale again. Instead, you pulled back to see the smile he was still wearing. “I’m so glad you could make it. Been a while since we’ve been in this building, huh?” 

Marcus glanced around the room and nodded. “It has. Brings back a lot of memories.” He looked back at you and winked. “Good ones.” 

It does. 

Marcus hadn’t been in the restoration society with you while you were in school, but there were a number of campus activities that happened at Maplewood Manor, so you’d both been in the old mansion plenty of times before that night. 

You kissed me in the parlor room junior year. Doesn’t get better than that, Marcus. 

You wondered if that was the memory that came to mind for him, but before you could get too caught up in that thought, he spoke again. “Not to rush you out of here or anything, but I’m starving. You ready to go grab dinner? On the way here I noticed that Michael’s Diner is still open and I’ve been thinking about those disco fries since then.” 

Your eyes widened. “Of course Michael’s is still open, that place is an institution, Marcus. And yes, I’m also very hungry. Let me just check in with Xander and the other student volunteers to  see if they need anything before we head out.” 

“Sounds good. I’ll be here.” 

Verifying that Xander had everything he needed to close up once the remaining guests had cleared out, you thanked the kid and rejoined Marcus. “Alright, all set. Let’s go pig out like we used to.” 

–  –  –  

You’d made it halfway through your meal and most of the way through listening to Marcus tell you about his latest case when your phone rang. Reaching to silence it, you noticed Xander’s name on the I.D. “Sorry, I need to…” You trailed off pointing at your phone and showing him the screen. “Xander probably forgot his key or something.” 

Marcus held up both hands, palms facing you. “Of course, go ahead. No need to apologize.” 

Nodding, you answered. “Xander? Everything o-” 

“You need to get back here. Now.” 

The young man’s voice was thin and shaky and it made your stomach drop. Something was wrong, very wrong. It wasn’t just a forgotten key or a lock he couldn’t figure out, and the fear in his voice made your stomach drop. Your expression must have given you away because Marcus’ eyebrows pinched together in concern as he sat across from you. 

“What happened, X? You okay?” Your pulse pounded in your brain as you asked. 

What could have happened? I haven’t been gone that long. 

“There’s… someone…” He gasped a breath and swallowed, saying your name. “I called the police already, they’re on their way and I’m across the street at the security booth, but… There’s a body - a dead body in one of the bedrooms upstairs. I… I was doing a sweep before I closed up and…” 

“Oh, shit.” You breathed the two words out, ice flooding your veins as the concern on Marcus’ face went full-blown. “Oh, shit, Xander. I…” 

“There’s… s-something else, too.” You heard him swallow again. “When I came back downstairs there was… You only had six paintings in your lecture, right?” 

Blinking quickly, you nodded even though he couldn’t see you. “Yeah, why? Is one missing?” 

“No. No, nothing’s missing. It’s… there are seven now.” He paused. “Where… how are there seven now?” 

“Okay, X. Alright, sit tight until the police show up.” At the mention of the police, Marcus shifted into law enforcement mode, eyes laser focused and hands already moving to pull his wallet out and drop cash on the table. “I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay?” 

How the fuck… a dead body? What the… how? When did that happen, I was up there earlier in the day and then the door to the staircase was locked and- 

“Hey.” You looked up at Marcus as you both stood from the table. He shook his head. “What’s going on?” 

“Xander said he… Marcus, there’s a body. At Maplewood. Someone was killed, and… and there’s another painting that I didn’t bring with me now. I… I don’t-” 

“Alright.” He reached for your biceps, taking a deep breath and letting it out to try to get you to do the same. “Okay. Leave your car here. I’ll drive. Let’s go.” 

You nodded and tried to calm yourself down, the task made easier by the fact that Marcus was with you, and then you let him steer you out of the diner and into his car.

-- -- --

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[im-robins-bitch]

Kiss me again | c.h

masterlist

I was gonna post this tomorrow but i just hit 400 followers so thanks, that's kinda insane 💖

You feel more than you should for your best friend, maybe it’s time to admit it. 

warnings: swearing, sorta a sex scene?

word count: 9k+

“He sounds lame” Calum commented, laying back on your arm-chair with a yawn. You crossed your arms, hitting the top of his head as you walked past carrying the large pizza box. “Just saying,” He mumbled, grabbing a slice. He noticed the sweetcorn on top and scrunched his nose.

“Switch?” You questioned, holding out your plate with a matching pizza on it only with a lot less sweet-corn and a lot more tomatoes. He nodded, taking the plate with him making you grumble as he placed the slice of pizza sloppily in your hand, you could already feel the cheese sticking to your thumb. “He was just being a gentleman.” You explained, getting back to the topic at hand, your recent date. “the food was really-”

“shit.” Calum finished, making you open your mouth to protest but Calum beat you to it “You ordered pizza as soon as you got back in,”

“Fine, ok, he took me that new fancy place.” You said, although you didn’t really need to explain, the satin dress on your body was more than confirmation. “I did tell him I didn’t like places like that, but I don’t know I guess he just wanted to impress me.” You sighed.

Calum snorted, watching as you curved your pizza, shovelling it into your mouth, your hand cupped underneath to catch the rouge toppings trying to escape. “If only he could see you now.”

“Are you saying I don’t look hot as fuck covered into tomato sauce?” You joked, wiggling your red saucy digits at him. “Oh you look absolutely divine” He laughed, putting his plate back down on the table, “Some might even say you look delicious!” He moved from his position on the armchair and sat down in front of you on the floor, hooking one of your fingers with his and bringing it to his mouth to lick the sauce off.

“Ew Calum gross!” You laughed, shoving him away, making him knock back into the coffee table, the thud from his crash covering up the thudding of your cheat.

“I was just helping you clean up, and what do i get from the trouble? a concussion!” He said dramatically rubbing his hand against his head, which didn’t even hit the table.

“God, you are such a drama queen!” You groaned, trying to hide the smile on your face by stuffing it with more pizza.

“Are you going on another date?” Calum asked, his voice taut as he leaned forward, pulling his legs up to his chest, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Hmm?” You stuttered between bites, moving your hand to cover your mouth. “Oh you mean with-h-” You stopped, choking on a bit of chicken, “w-with William?”

“William, god even his name is pretentious,” Calum huffed under his breath, settling his head on his hands.

“Yeah I think so, he asked me, I hope its more...fun next time.” You pulled Calums plate your direction, putting down the pizza crust that you knew Calum was going to eat whether you offered it to him or not. “What about you? Didn’t you have a date with-”

“Oh yeah...” Calum said, feebly reaching to scratch the back of his head. “I broke up with her...”

“What?” You stuttered, “Why didn’t you tell me? you’re supposed to tell me these things before they happen! Those are the best friend privileges!” You rambled, “God I don’t even think I have any ice cream left.”

“It's ok,” Calum laughed, “It’s not really a big deal, she was more of a distraction really.” You raised your eyebrows, encouraging him to keep going. “Well, I was sorta...am sorta in love with this girl.”

Your eyes snapped wide, your heart both beating out of its chest and ripping apart at the same time. Never in your life did you expect Calum to tell you he was in love with someone and the fact that he felt that way made your heart leap with joy, your best friend was in love. Though you felt a sting, as if you had just been stung by a scorpion, because there you sat in love with you’re best friend always hoping maybe he felt the same, but now it was clear that was only a fantasy. 

 A few seconds past without you saying anything and you noticed Calum was growing anxious, you realised you had to say something “BEST FRIEND PRIVILEGES!” You yelled, sliding off the sofa to sit down on the floor with him making Calum giggle and move to sit with his legs crisscrossed, mirroring you.

“Yeah, I wanted to tell you sooner but...” He gazed down at his lap,

“So are you not going to tell the girl how you feel?” You questioned, biting down hard on your lip trying to prepare yourself for the reply.

“I-I want to I really really want to but I just can’t.” He reached his hands out for yours and you gladly gave them to him, watching as his fingers traced circles into your palm. “She doesn't feel that way about me”

“How do you know?”

“Huh...” He hummed focusing his attention on following the ridges of your palm with his pointer finger.

“How do you know she doesn't like you,” You asked again, trying to catch his eye. “No offence cal but you’re not that great at picking up when people are into each other.” He opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by you instead, “Do you remember when you thought-”

“that you were in love with Mikey because you were giving him ‘the eyes’“ He mocked. “You flirt with everyone all the time, you’re difficult to read.”

“Yeah well I’m assuming if she caught your attention she’d not such an easy catch” You joked, closing your hand around his giving it a squeeze “Trust me cal, if she isn’t into you now its because she probably didn’t even think you were an option, as soon as you confess your gonna be all she thinks about.”

“Do you think so?” He said quietly, hating to admit he needed this much comforting over something as stupid as love.

“I know so” You confirmed, giving his hand a warm squeeze.

Calum squeezed it back, looking at your hands thoughtfully. He let out a big breath “Actually, Y/N, the thing is-”

“AH, one second,” You said, pulling yourself up from the floor with a groan, to pick up the house phone. “Hello?” You mumbled into the cream block, you’re phone looked like it had come from the 80′s and it was very unusual for people to be calling it. “William,” You greeted with glee, turning to Calum to give him a soft smile and a wink, “hmm, oh no I’m fine my phone’s just on silent...”

You continued to chat to William on the phone, trying to steer the conversation towards hanging up as you looked at Calum regretfully, but you didn’t want to seem rude considering you had only been on one date, was in rude to invite someone over for pizza as soon as you finished a date? You didn’t think so, but you didn’t want to give William the wrong idea, especially now that it looked like Calum was definitely not an option anymore, as much as your heart wished he was.

After 5 minutes you finally managed to say your goodbyes and jumped back down onto the plush carpet with Calum. “Can you believe that he looked through the entire phone book just to find me so he could wish me goodnight, I told you he was sweet” You giggled. “Oh, you wanted to tell me something?” You questioned, cocking your head to the side, trying to ignore the how plush Calums lips looked as he pulled on it with his teeth.

“Uhm, yeah...I wanted to tell you I....I need help with packing? Can you help me?”

“You haven't packed yet?” You questioned, staring in disbelief when he nodded his head “you're leaving in like two days?”

“Some of us don’t start packing a week before there holidays,” Calum joked, laughing half-heartedly as he picked at the fibres of your carpet.

“I think going on tour requires a bit more planning than a trip to Florida “ You laughed. 

For the first time in a long time, an uncomfortable silence fell over the two of you. You squirmed on the floor, leaning back against the sofa trying to picture the girl that managed to make your best friend fall for her. 

A couple of weeks later you lay in a cush four-poster bed staring up at the ceiling noticing the brush marks from when it had been painted. You felt something drip down onto your shoulder and you’re eyes focused again on William who was floundering on top of you. Sweat was dripping from his every-pore, although you didn’t understand how because he wasn’t doing much. 

His hands lay either side of you like a cage you couldn’t escape from. His body thrust into yours and your eyes furrowed. He looked down at you, his face was so concentrated, you tried to smile up at him but from the way he looked away and picked up his pace it was clear it looked like more of a grimace.  

Your mind trailed to Calum, walking in on all the girls he’d fucked on your couch just because Ash couldn’t stand the noise anymore. Even when you went upstairs you could hear the sounds they would make, his name slipping from their lips like a mantra. 

Fuck, it’s not like you hated missionary all the time, but this was really like torture, the worst part was you just didn’t want to have to ruin your first time together by telling him he was just rubbing his cock in between your thighs, you wondered if he even knew what a vagina was, or if he had even watched any porn..  

You rolled your eyes to the back of your head, trying to picture yourself somewhere far away. You’d tell him next time, but for now you just sat in bed wondering how no one else had mentioned this to him and cursed that the responsibility laid on your shoulders. 

You sat on your porcelain throne wrapped up in your fluffy towel watching as steam raised from your skin. You didn’t particularly feel like getting up and drying yourself off, the hot water draining you of energy. Instead, you scrolled through your phone waiting for the air you dry you off a bit more. Only a couple of seconds and you already saw three posts of the same photo of Calum coming out of a bar in Paris walking next to (probably not even with) a tall beautiful brunette. Usually, you wouldn’t give these photos a second thought, but now they just made you wonder about his mystery girl, he hadn’t had much time to text you while he was off and you hadn’t wanted to bring up the girl he was in love with again, not sure you could deal with too much disappointment at once. 

You leaned back against the toilet seat, your thumb flicking the screen up and down just seeing the two photos again and again. It was dumb, really dumb to be thinking of your best friend this way, for the longest time you were just happy with this, the two of you were insanely close and knowing that he hadn't been interested in love always gave you this weird sense of security, that you could take your time, that nothing was going to get in between the two of you. 

He’d always called you his favourite girl (apart from his mother and sister) you had always corrected and he would nod with a smile “apart from them. Your eyes started to water, realising that soon enough maybe that wouldn’t be the case. He would have a new favourite. 

You scrolled up, deciding not to torture yourself any longer, refreshing the page you were filled with relief when that photo was replaced by an advertisement for plane tickets for Paris. 

For Paris. 

Your fingers were working before you even knew what you were doing, your mind didn’t even register the very high price-tag as you dropped your towel running around your flat to find your card, spotting it laying on your coffee table, spilling out of your purse. You clutched it in your hands, typing in each digit with a shaking hand, cursing that phone wasn't going fast enough. 

When you had managed to get the detail correct (it took 3 times because of your shaking hands and pruney fingers) You flopped onto the sofa with a sigh, staring at the screen. 

You’re going to Paris!

YOU WERE GOING TO PARIS. You had no idea what you were doing when you ran to your wardrobe, throwing clothes into an oversized backpack. When you drove down to William’s and knocked on his door until he came out, leaving him with a fleeting sorry and “it's not you, it's me”. 

You’re brain wasn’t even working when you went to the airport, needing to ask for help every second of the way, your brain to frazzled to even understand what each person was saying.

You spent the whole flight pushing the nerves out of your mind, pushing out every thought in your mind. Your legs were bouncing and you just wanted to sleep until you arrived but you didn’t want unwanted dreams slowing down whatever the fuck it was that was motivating you to do this. 

You clutched your fist, in your hand and stared out the window listening to mindless music to escape your mind.

The plane landed and you called Calum, but you were immediately sent to voicemail, you tried everyone but only got voicemail or no answer at all. You gave up, instead looking at twitter, they had a concert somewhere and you were going to go and find it. 

“Yoyo!” You mumbled after spending a good portion of time standing on the pavement, tourist threading through you as you scrolled through the 5 seconds of summer hashtag. You tracked down a taxi and asked them to drive you there. The drive felt like it was lasting a life-time, the taxi drivers small talk about what brought you to the city and love was to much for your brain to comprehend at that moment, once he got to the venue you dashed throwing money at him before you dashed out the car. You could hear the faint sound of fans screaming and the hum of music, not quite able to make out whether or not it was who you were hoping for. 

You looked for some kind of back door, a fire exit, even a window but couldn’t find anything. Your heart was plummeting every second, what the hell were you doing. You were in the middle of France, no idea where you were, you had just given most of your money to a taxi driver and had no way to get to Calum at all. Then you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket, pulling it out you saw Ashton and answered it as fast as you could.

“ASHTON YOU ARE MY SAVIOUR!” You sang through the phone. 

“Y/N whats wrong? are you ok? you’ve called so many times is something wrong? we’re in France we cant help remember” Ashton’s voice was filled with nerves, and you could hear the hustle and bustle behind him. 

“Yeah, so am i!” You exclaimed, “It’s a really long story but i’m here like outside so please come let me in, I really need to talk to Calum.” 

“have you hit your head? Y/n do you need some kind of ambulance?” 

You sighed, you really didn’t have time for this, and every second you stayed on the phone another inch of doubt crept into your mind. “Yeah I really do need an ambulance, because I’ve gone insane, insane on love so please Ashton let me in because Calum is the cure!” You blurted. getting antsier by the second. 

“Huh..are you about too.”

“Tell Calum I’m in love with him, yeah! So if you could let me in before i change my mind” You needed to keep talking, to keep moving, every time you stopped to think the only thing you felt was your brain telling you how bad of an idea this was. 

“No stay there ok, someones on their way. I’ve got to go, only came to pee” No sooner than Ashton hung up did a large man in a black shirt open a door, you had been certain was welded shut moments ago. 

You were ushered down cream corridors, it felt like they stretched on forever, you could hear the echo of the crowd and the music, your heart racing whenever you heard Calums voice “Sorry guys when you gotta go-” You heard Ashton say slightly muffled through the walls. The wind was knocked out of you, how long were they going to be on stage for, you didn’t know how much longer you could keep up this act. “You’re going to need to wait here.” The man said, finally leading you to a small dressing room. 

You sighed, plopping yourself on one of the wooden stools as the man left and closed the door. The room was covered in posters for events that were going on, some brand new and some so old they were peeling at the sides. Your eyes flicked to the brand new poster of 5 seconds of summer, your fingers trailing over the photo of Calum. 

Were you really about to do this, did you really fly all the way to France just to get rejected? You knew Calum, he wouldn’t stop talking to you because of this, but he sure as hell wouldn’t talk to you as much as he did now. 

Then he came in, sweat dripping from his chest, his tattoos peeking out of his black wife-beater, his face squished in a smile clearly excited but exhausted from his performance. He was looking at the boys behind him, laughing at something luke said, furrowing his brows in confusion when they stopped walking and slammed the door shut locking him in the small room.

He was about to spin around, thinking this was some dumb prank again when he spotted you, a smile instantly appearing his face, his eyes filled with disbelief. “Y/N? Is that actually you or did i fall asleep during the set?” 

You walked towards him, grabbing his hands in yours, twisting at the rings that adorned each finger. You took a deep breath, before looking into his twinkling eyes. 

“I love you, no. I’m completely enamoured by you Calum Thomas Hood and I flew all the way to fucking France just to tell you and even if you’re about to reject me please can you just wait for a second and kiss me first”

Your grip on his hands grew tighter, squeezing down hard enough to turn them white. His eyes scanned your face looking for any sign of doubt or joke. Your eyes began to water, your sudden surge of courage suddenly wearing off. “or you could just...reject me if you want” You mumbled meekly. 

Calums hands wiggled out of your grip and you moved away, bracing yourself when he pinched himself, “ouch” he exclaimed, before doing it again, looking to you and back at his sore arm again.  “I really must be awake.” he panted breathily

Tears began to roll down your cheeks, but his hands quickly cupped your cheeks and rubbed them away. “I love you too.” He confessed, bringing your face to his in a soft kiss. 

His lips brushed against your cupids-bow before they met yours more firmly. His hands moved to your jaw squeezing slightly as you moved your lips in sync with his. You could taste the salt from both of your tears, dripping down your faces with relief and happiness. “I love you,” You mumbled against his lips.

“I love you .” He whispered, his breath panting against yours. 

“I love you,” You said, nudging his nose with yours.

“I- hey wait.” He pouted, pulling his face back. “best friend privileges! You’re supposed to tell me when you’re in love with someone.” Calum said, his hand falling from your jaw to your neck giving it a soft squeeze

“fuck best friend privileges, I want girlfriend privileges.” 

“Yeah...like what?” He inquired with a teasing smirk. 

“Kiss me again” 

So he did.

[cloud-fairy-boy]

Ed tips that’ll keep you safe and skinny because we all know we won’t stop until we get there so let’s make sure that we make it there alive with functioning organs <3

Do NOT get an ed/4na etc buddy

I know this sounds weird but bear with me. I’m not saying “don’t make friends within the ed community” ofc by all means let’s be friends but it’s extremely dangerous to “encourage each other” to st4rve and shit even when it’s done unknowingly or with the intent of “help and support”. What we’re doing is already dangerous so let’s not encourage each other any further. When I was my lowest I had a real life bff that also had an ed and we would encourage each other and compete knowingly or unknowingly. It’s not a good relationship. Just be friends in a normal way idk send memes and vent every once in a while

Don’t chew too much gum

Yes, gum is amazing gum is awesome sometimes we use it as a meal substitute but 1) it weirdly has a lot of sugar in it and if you’re the type to switch to a new gum once the taste is gone you could be getting a lot of calories unknowingly. I once finished a pack of gum in one day and it racked up to 100 calories. That’s not worth spending on sugar you should eat some cucumber or something nutritious instead 2) it can definitely give you cavities if you go overboard because of the sugar 3) it can cause di4rrhe4 when consumed excessively 4) it can upset your stomach and cause aches if you chew on it for a very long time

Go out & drink water

We’re just houseplants with complicated emotions and childhood trauma. It’s important to get enough vitamin D for your bones to compensate for all the nutrients we miss out on. Also we don’t want to be depressed we just want to be sk1nni so don’t stay holed up in your room all day. Go out and move your body + if you eat 100 cals and just lay in bed all day you won’t be able to lose weight effectively because then your body will get into starvation mode and hang onto the fat in the body. Instead eat a bit more to gain some energy and burn it by being outside even if it’s just a walk. Actually walking is the best exercise especially for ed people but some of us aren’t ready for that conversation lmao

And for water you gotta have it frequently and have it plenty. But not too much all at once because you can d1e. I don’t remember the whole thing but you can look it up I know there’s been a recorded case of someone dy1ing from drinking too much water at once. But other than that if you struggle to drink water because you don’t like the taste etc I won’t tell you to put more shit in it to make it taste better because let’s all accept that putting fruit and water together makes them both nasty. Instead put your water into a relatively small but long bottle that can easily bend. Then while the bottle is in your mouth (bear with me ik it sounds super weird rn) put the bottle on a higher surface but not too high or you could choke on it. Just enough for water to flow into your mouth. Then you let go of the bottle and DONT TOUCH IT this way you will have no choice but to drink the whole thing. And dw you won’t drown because you can obviously stop to breathe between sips and you don’t have to do it quickly AND YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY TAKE THE BOTTLE AND JUST STOP DOING IT this is just something I’ve came up with to drink more water it makes it kinda like a carnival game idk lmao

If you feel like you’re about to faint don’t push it and give in

Okay now we all probably know how it feels to faint. But we also know that it kinda comes in waves. You can definitely feel that you’re gonna faint at least 20 minutes before it happens. So unless you’re in the middle of a fucking road where cars go and shit just stop on your tracks and sit down. In a store, at school, at the gym, in the bus etc literally no one gives a shit. It’s better to get some dust on your butt than to hit your head somewhere and d1e.

Have an emergency kit on you at all times

This is not a fucking anti binge box no it’s for actual health emergencies. In it you will have pads for surprise periods (let’s all admit that none of us have them regularly at this point so every time is a surprise) OR big wounds and nosebleeds. We’re already malnourished so when we loose blood it’s even more dangerous. You’ll also put water, candy, protein bars (I recommend kinds that you actively hate or ones that taste bad and no I don’t mean rotten or stuff you’re allergic to this is just to keep us from eating them unless we absolutely need them) in case you faint. I also recommend a little slip of paper with a trusted friend or family member’s number, your blood type, chronic illnesses and allergies etc in case you faint and need medical help while you’re unconscious

Don’t wear your binder too much

This is for my fellow binder buddies (god this sounded like a corporate slogan I hate it). It’s already very dangerous to use binders for more than 6 hours at a time but when you’re already low on nutrients and probably running around in hopes of burning calories you DEFINITELY shouldn’t wear your binder AT ALL. Instead opt for a sports bra while you’re exercising or you’re especially low on food that day. I know it’s very difficult to live with body dysmorphia AND dysphoria but we want to stay alive so we gotta do our best.

This was all for today peeps if there’s anything you want advice on put them in the rbs or comments I’ll read all of them like the morning paper. Stay safe, alive and hydrated

[emmyhem]

everything you’re missing (c.t.h)

a/n: hi everybody, i’m back with another post. this is my first calum piece and i’m so excited to finally get it up. this is once again unedited, i’m way too tired rn. it’s also the second smut i’ve posted so that’s pretty exciting as well. yeah i don’t really have much to say right now because i’m literally exhausted, my classes are really kicking my ass. anyway i hope you all enjoy this bff!calum piece. feedback and comments are always appreciated. hope you all are doing well and are being safe. thank you - emmy <33

pairing: bff!calum hood x fem!reader

summary: a drunken text meant for your ex shows up on calum’s phone and leaves him questioning everything he’s missing out on with his best friend.

warning(s): talk of a previous bad relationship, y/n’s ex body shamed her, mentions of alcohol, insecurity, smut, cursing

word count: 4.7k

You’ve decided that 3 glasses of wine is your happy medium, but even a sip into the 4th and there’s no telling what you’ll do. 

So, naturally you were finishing up your 5th glass on Friday night while angrily scrolling through your exes instagram when you got what seemed to be an incredible idea. It was simply too tempting not to, your mind was feeling hazy which made your confidence skyrocket, and you truly did just look good. 

A day of pampering had left you in a black floor length silk robe with nothing but your favorite deep cherry red lingerie set underneath. Your face was bare and glowing after a refreshing and illuminating face mask, and your lips were left glossy and plump from a new scrub. 

You had posed in front of the floor length mirror in your living room, giggling between snaps until you had taken the perfect shot. It was classy but provocative, the dressing gown slipping from your shoulders exposing the lace of your bra and a tasteful amount of cleavage. You had also left the bottom open, allowing a clear shot of your thighs and the curve of your ass from where you sat on your knees. 

With a mischievous glint in your eyes you selected the picture into a message, typing a cheeky, “take a good look at everything you’re missing”  and sending it off to your ex (or so you thought). 

But you really couldn’t be blamed for your mistake, Cam and Cal were far too similar for your drunk brain to decipher the difference. You also couldn’t be blamed for the fact that you dozed off on the couch immediately after sending it, before you even had a chance to recognize your humiliating mistake. 

You were awoken by the ringing of your phone at around 9:00 am, way too early for your liking. Before even registering who it was, you brought the phone to your ear and groaned a sleepy, “hello,” 

“At your door.” a voice you recognized as your best friend responded. 

“M’coming” you said, scooting off the couch. On your way to the door you registered that you were still scantily covered, the robe falling off of you as you walked. You clutched it around you as you swung the door open to a wide eyed, Calum Hood. 

“G’morning.” he smirked, looking you up and down. 

“Shh” you hushed, pulling him in by the arm. “Why in the world are you here so early?”

He lightly laughed while taking a seat at the kitchen table, eyes following you while you moped over to the fridge and pulled out two water bottles. 

“Well,” he sighed as you handed him one. “I got a very interesting text last night and I figured I just had to come over and see, y’know everything I was missing.” he spoke in a teasing tone as he gestured a hand down your body.

You tugged your eyebrows together in confusion. There was something familiar about what he was saying, but not familiar enough for you to put the pieces together. 

“What are you talking about?” you questioned bringing the water bottle to your lips. 

Calum shrugged his shoulders, a smirk still glued to his face as he took out his phone and began looking for something. After a few seconds he extended his arm to hand you his phone. You accepted it and glanced down absentmindedly as your body slumped against the counter.  

The second your eyes hit the screen it all came back to you, your mouth fell open and you straightened out, suddenly very awake, not to mention very mortified. 

Calum on the other hand was buzzing. Actually, he had been ever since his phone dinged last night awakening him from his sleep. Well, buzzing and extremely, extremely sexually frustrated. 

When he first opened your message and saw the picture that would now be making a regular appearance in his wet dreams, he had nearly choked on his own breath. He knew that it was most likely a drunken mistake, and while that slightly saddened him it didn’t stop his dick from plumping up at the sight, straining uncomfortably against his boxers. He seriously debated wanking to the tempting image but decided against it, thinking it would be a gross violation of your privacy since it wasn’t even meant for him. Oh how he wished it was. Unfortunately that meant he had been sporting an exceptionally sensitive halfie since then. 

“Oh my god.” you groaned, sitting the phone down on the counter and covering your eyes in humiliation. “Cal I’m soooo sorry, I was drunk, and overly confident, and I meant to send this to Cam and now I’m just, I’m sorry.” you reiterated. 

‘Hey, don’t apologize on my account.” he countered. “Plus, you should be thrilled you sent it to me and not that asshole, doesn’t deserve ya.” 

“I know, you’re right. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m mortified though. S’bit ridiculous, get a little alcohol in my system and I have a god complex all of a sudden” you rambled, running your hands through your hair nervously. 

Calum stood and pulled you into his arms, resting his chin on the top of your head. 

“You think too much, y’know that?” he quipped. 

You turned your head, pressing a cheek against his sweater clad chest and mumbled, “Yea I’ve been known for that.” 

Calum softly chuckled at your words before pressing a chaste kiss to the top of your head and pulling apart. 

“S’really no big deal, y/n.” a teasing grin plastered on his face. “Besides I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it.”

“Calum!” you scolded, swatting a hand at his arm. 

He dodged your hit just in time and held his hands up in surrender before taking his seat again. 

“Why'd you let that dick bother you anyway? Y’know you’re way out of his league.” 

Your jaw clenched at the question, your mind wandering to every time you had come to Calum crying after your ex had done something to hurt you. Everytime he commented on your “stomach pudge” as he liked to call it, when you wore a tight dress to go out. Or when he would ask if you were really “that” hungry, even if you hadn’t eaten much at all. And each time you would feel absolutely wretched and end up sobbing in Calum’s arms, but refusing to tell him why you were so, so sad. 

“He texted me the other day y’know?” you muttered under your breath, while fiddling with the coffee machine. 

“Really? What’d he say?” Calum responded, watching your back with narrowed eyes. 

“Uh, he saw me the other night, when we were at that bar with the guys.” you said, shaky fingers pulling out a mug. 

“And?” he spoke flatly. 

“It’s stupid really,” you sniffled, willing your voice not to break. “He said I put on a few pounds, that he was glad he got out when he did.” your bottom lip traitorously jutted out as you turned to face him. 

“Fucking dick.” he hissed. 

Calum wasn’t necessarily proud of the violent images that flashed through his mind at the thought of that asshole finding yet another way to hurt you but, the sad little quiver of your lip allowed him to reason without a doubt that they were fair. 

Before you could even blink he was holding you again, arms impossibly tight around you. . 

“He’s wrong, y/n. Fuck, I don’t know how to even...he’s just so wrong.” he said softly, his hand rubbing your back reassuringly. 

“I know.” you whimpered, holding tears back. 

He pulled back enough to look you in the eyes, arms still firm around your waist. 

“No you don’t. It’s...It really fucking pisses me off that he makes you feel like this. It’s like-fuck you’re just like-” he moved his hands to cup your cheeks. “You really are gorgeous.” 

Your heart fluttered at his words, and your whole body felt warm as you stared at his big brown eyes. His words felt sincere, everything about him felt so sincere. 

“Thank you, Cal.” 

He pulled you back into his chest, “Really wish I could just, like hug away all his bullshit.” 

“M’used to it.” you mumbled. 

“You don’t deserve any of it.” 

“Yea, well what can you do.” you sighed, moving out of his embrace. 

Calum’s eyes were still glued to you as you stirred a spoonful of sugar in your coffee. 

“I hope you don’t let anything he says get to you.” 

You let out a breath of exhaustion. 

Confidence wasn’t something that you used to struggle with. I mean sure, there were spouts of insecurity here and there but you knew your worth, and you considered yourself pretty, hot even. That had all changed a few months into your latest relationship. First it was the backhanded compliments which quickly turned into passive comments, and then outright cruel insults. People really underestimate the toll their words take on others, especially when the person that’s making you feel so ugly and worthless, is one that you adore and who’s supposed to adore you right back, no matter what. 

“I try but, he can’t just be making it all up.” you were ashamed. When did you become the girl that lets a guy affect how she sees herself? That just wasn’t you. 

“He is. He’s insecure and a douche. He was probably trying to destroy your confidence to the point that you felt like you couldn’t leave him.” Calum assured. “But you’re way too strong for him, dumped his sorry ass anyway.” 

You smiled gratefully at his words, taking a seat next to him. 

“Yea, so strong I tried to send him half naked pictures for reassurance.” 

Calum shook his head, “I wish you could see how hot you are.” 

Your eyes widened at the compliment, your head dropping to avoid his stare as blood rushed to your cheeks. 

“I’d be happy to reassure you whenever you want.” he continued, bumping his knee against yours under the table. 

“Doesn’t count.” you dismissed, before sipping your coffee. “You're my best friend, you’re obligated to tell me I’m pretty.” 

“Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.” he muttered back quietly, his expression dropping slightly. He hated when you deflected his compliments. All he ever wanted to do was make you feel good, and you made it very difficult for him when you blocked every swing he took at the wall of insecurity that Cam had built around you. He would kill Cam if he could. 

You let out an apologetic sigh, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his shoulder. 

“M’sorry, you’re right. I love you for that, the only thing keeping me sane.” 

Your heart squeezed as he hugged you back. 

Calum was perfect, he was sweet, and funny, and quite literally your favorite person on earth. Not to mention you had been hopelessly in love with him since practically the beginning of your friendship. But as his best friend you had heard over and over just how uninterested he was in a relationship. Everytime you would ask about his love life he would just respond, 

“I’m just not the boyfriend type, m’not cut out for it.” shrugging nonchalantly. 

Which you thought was laughable because anyone would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend, in fact sometimes you would let yourself pretend he was yours. 

Like,in a busy club with his hands on your hips, guiding you through the crowds. So close behind, you could feel each exhale on the back of your neck, as his eyes darted around the room to ensure there weren’t any potential threats to your safety, in the form of drunk overzealous flirts. Or after a night out when he got cuddly and clingy, and would find his way from the couch into your bed. You’d wake up with his cheek pressed against your chest and his arms snaked around your torso as he released soft breaths that caused goosebumps to rise on your exposed skin. You’d let yourself imagine that you had this every morning and that he would wake up any minute to smother your face in kisses and tell you he loved you. And of course, here he was again this morning being so thoughtful and kind and everything you wanted in a boyfriend. And here you were again swimming in his praises and physically having to restrain yourself from kissing him. 

Begrudgingly, you pulled away and stood up. 

“Gonna get changed.” you spoke. 

“I’m making us breakfast.” Calum called as you walked away. You hummed in response and slipped into your room. 

Once in the privacy of your own room you quickly pulled on a pair of leggings and a hoodie before scurrying to the bathroom sink and splashing cold water on your face in hopes of ridding yourself of any romantic thoughts towards your best friend.

Although you weren’t aware, Calum was doing the very same thing just a few feet away. Internally reminding himself repeatedly that it was never gonna happen with you. He wasn’t good enough to be anyone’s boyfriend, let alone yours. You didn’t want him that way and he could almost trick himself into believing that he was okay with that.

You hastily finished brushing your teeth before returning to the kitchen. You were greeted with the sight of Calum’s back, he stood over the toaster cutting an avocado and humming a song you didn’t recognize quietly to himself.  He looked over his shoulder as your footsteps approached. 

“Hungry?” he questioned. 

“You have no idea.” you affirmed, as he fixed a plate for you both. 

“Good. I was thinking we could watch something while we eat,” 

“Fine with me.” you responded, hoping he wouldn’t notice the distraction laced in your voice. Your focus had easily been stolen from the conversation to how easy it was to see his back muscles flex through the thin material of his jumper. 

But of course he did, it was Calum after all. 

“Y’alright?” he said, handing you a plate. 

“Uh, yep.” you rushed out. 

“Not still thinking about Cam, are you?” 

“No, not at all.” you answered honestly, walking to the couch, Calum trailing closely behind you. 

“Then what’s got you all flustered?” 

“You” you thought, taking a seat in the furthest corner. 

“I’m not flustered.” 

“Bullshit” he countered, sitting practically on top of you. 

You let out a huff, and motioned to the other  completely empty side of the couch. 

“Is there a reason we aren’t practicing personal space right now?” 

He laughed softly at your question and nuzzled closer into your side. 

“Yea, you’re all pouty, looks like you need a cuddle.” 

 “I’m really fine Cal.” you shoved him lightly but saw no results, he just scooched in even closer and bit into his toast. 

The two of you sat in silence while some newly released action movie played on your TV. Calum’s arm was wrapped around your shoulders keeping you tight to his side, and although you could’ve sworn that you had been in this exact same position hundreds of times, you felt as if this were the very first time. Every single one of your nerves were on fire and the warmth that had flooded your body was making you antsy. 

Feeling overwhelmed by your senses, you allowed your eyes to flutter close with a deep inhale. 

“You okay?” Calum whispered, dipping his head down slightly to reach your ear.

You opened your mouth to respond but didn’t trust your voice to protrude through your shaky exhales, settling for a subdued nod instead. 

“You sure?” his words were long and drawled out, despite your eyes being closed you knew his proximity from the feeling of his breath just behind your ear. 

Before you could speak up his hand secured itself just above your knee, and your muscles flexed involuntarily at the contact. 

“Relax, y/n” he continued, his thumb beginning to run repeatedly over a spot on your inner knee. 

Everything in your brain was screaming at you to excuse yourself, maybe even kick him out, anything to gain some space and hopefully some clarity from the cloud of sexual tension that was looming over the two of you and blurring boundaries at lightning speed. But you were essentially frozen in place, petrified that any movement would alert Calum to the way he was affecting you. 

Your head lolled back to rest on his forearm which was lying behind you on the couch and finally peeled your eyes open, staring up at the ceiling. 

He watched you from the corner of his eye, taking note of every rise and fall of your chest, every thick swallow of your throat. 

If there was one thing Calum was well versed in, it was his ability to read you, he liked to think he knew you better than anyone else in the world. He could tell exactly how you were feeling just by watching you, your face, your breathing and he was more than shocked when he started getting the feeling you were no longer upset but something far more appealing. 

Were you turned on? Right here in his presence? The thought made blood rush to his dick, which twitched in his pants when another breathy sigh passed your lips. 

“What’re you thinking about, love?” 

Everything in you urged you to answer honestly, just tell him the truth. “You, I’m thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you.” But you couldn’t do that, so instead you deflected. 

“What’re you thinking about?” you countered, meeting his eyes. 

Calum questioned his next words very carefully, debating whether or not he could recover if he was wrong about what you were feeling and you shut him down. It was pointless though, he knew he would never recover from your rejection. He also knew that spontaneous combustion wouldn’t look very good on his tombstone and that’s exactly what would happen if he spent one more minute not kissing you. 

Fuck it. 

“That pretty little set you had on last night.” he confessed. 

That you weren’t expecting. 

A quiet whine rang from your throat and you were far too affected to feel embarrassed. 

And that did it, Calum was now impossibly hard in his pants, no doubt leaking precum onto his boxer briefs. He needed to get his hands on you, now. 

His hand started to slowly travel up your thigh, goosebumps rising on every centimeter they passed. 

“So gorgeous in red, aren’t ya y/n?”

“Cal,” you hissed when his thumb brushed the sensitivity of your inner thigh. 

“Mm.” he hummed. “It’d be pretty hard fo’me to stop right now, but I will if that’s what you want. Is that what you want, love?” 

He was sure he’d cry if he had to let go of you now, but he needed to hear you say it. 

“No, don’t wanna stop.” you whined, turning your body flush to his.

“Whaddya want then, baby? Hm?” You could feel his every word on the flushed skin of your neck as he leaned into the crook.

“Want you.” 

He could’ve came then and there. 

“Then I’m all yours.” he admitted before crashing his lips on yours. 

Your heart was in your stomach as his tongue entered your mouth, explorative and eager. He was too busy memorizing your taste to notice your fingers tugging at his sweater. You attempted to push it up desperate to feel his skin under your hands. You were able to pull the fabric up about halfway before they were blocked by his arms that were holding you close against him.

Calum laughed when you pulled apart from the kiss, giving him a disappointed look. 

“Want it off?” he teased. 

You couldn’t bother to be embarrassed when you nodded eagerly in response. He didn’t waste any time peeling the fabric off of his skin, and you were quick to lightly run a finger across the ink feather just below his collarbone. 

Now it was his turn to tug on your clothes, “Level the playing field?” 

You nodded, lifting your arms and allowing him to lift the sweatshirt over your head leaving your chest completely bare. Calum groaned at the sight of your tits, his hands quickly finding your waist and tugging you down to lay on your back in one swift motion. 

Once you were laid out in front of him he took the opportunity to explore the new skin. His hands left a lingering warmth as they dragged across your stomach and despite the kind words and endearing demeanor that he always upheld with you, you found yourself shying under his gaze, wanting to curl away from him. As your hands began to wrap around your stomach in an attempt to cover yourself up he quickly pushed them away, locking them in place on either side of you. 

“Wanna see everything baby, all of you.” he cooed in your ear before nipping at the lobe. 

His kisses began to travel down your neck, sucking a few marks to your collar bones and the surrounding areas. When his fingers grazed over a fresh bruise in the dip just between your neck and shoulders you hissed lightly. 

“You look so pretty marked up for me. All mine, aren’t you baby? Not Cam’s, mine. Say it.” 

“Yours, Cal.” you admitted, feeling your body sink further into the couch. You had never felt drunk off of someone’s words before and the experience was leaving you sputtering, completely compliant to your best friend. 

He hummed contently at your confession, his large hands gripping at your hips, before slowly peeling your leggings off.

“Y’feel so good in my hands, like you were made for me.” his thumbs poking at the soft skin, just beneath your panties. 

The feeling of his hands so close to where you needed them, but not quite there was driving you crazy. 

“Cal, please.” you begged. 

He groaned before tugging at the cotton covering you. “Cam’s a fucking idiot, y’know that? He had the prettiest girl in the world and treated her like shit. I’d never do that, wanna worship you baby.” 

It was ridiculous how overwhelmed his words were leaving you, all desperate and squirming. As his fingers met the soaked expanse of your cunt you couldn’t hold back the throaty moan it elicited. 

A pornographic sigh followed close behind, one that made Calum want to pinch himself to ensure he wasn’t in the midst of a haunting dream. 

“Soaked f’me darling.” he mused, running his fingers up and down your folds to completely coat you in your arousal. You whimpered at the feeling, bucking your hips up desperate for friction. 

Tutting while shaking his head, he used one hand on your lower stomach to press you back down to the couch. 

“Stay still for me won’t you, love?” he cooed, continuing to run his fingers over your core lightly. 

When you bobbed your head up and down in agreement he lifted your leg to his mouth, pressing a kiss to your calf. 

“Hm, good girl.” he praised, softly laying your leg back down. 

Calum hovered above you, dipping his head down every so often to peck at your chest, his fingers still unrelenting. The knot in your lower stomach tightened every second that passed and you felt like you could scream at any second, yearning to be full. 

Calum felt like he could burst any minute himself but was determined to make this experience the best of your life. He wanted to give you something to remember, a reason to want more. 

Your soft moans and frustrated grunts alerted him to your neediness and he was just about ready to give in for the both of you. 

“What do you need from me, baby?” he said against your shoulder before peppering kisses across your collar bones. 

You could only respond with an airy moan when his fingers found your clit. 

“Hm? My fingers?” You shook your head aggressively. He knew exactly what you wanted, the tease. 

“No? Want my mouth?” he teased further, leaving an opened mouth kiss in between your tits. 

“Cal,” you sighed. “Fuck me, please.”

He groaned at your words, nipping lightly at the skin before ridding himself of his pants. 

“You’re a fucking dream, y’know that?” he praised, desperately searching for a condom in his pants. When he finally located one he held it up to you as if it were a prized possession, smiling proudly at his own preparedness. 

He hastily freed himself from the constraints of his boxers and rolled the condom on, never once taking his eyes off of the blissful expression on your face. 

“Ready?” he questioned, his tip lightly pressing at your entrance. You nodded and sucked in a breath, bracing yourself for the stretch, your eyes falling closed in the process. 

When a few seconds went by and nothing happened you opened your eyes to find Calum staring down at you in awe. 

“Cal,” you whined. “what’re you doing?” 

Your words seemed to break him from his trance, he shook his head and muttered an apology to you. 

“Sorry, fuck you’re pretty. You’ve got no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.” 

“Then stop waiti-” your words were cut off by a sharp hiss that couldn’t have been prevented as his length finally pressed into you. 

“Fuck.” Calum groaned his head falling back. You felt too good around him, seriously he was fucked, completely ruined for you. 

You felt the exact same as your silky moans filled the room. You had never been filled this good and you questioned how you had gone so long without this. 

“M-move” you sighed, clenching around him. 

You could hear his breath catch at the feeling and he grunted out a strained, “Need a minute.” 

He held himself in place for a few more seconds until his breaths began to even out once again before pulling nearly all the way out and slamming back in. 

You yelped, pulling your lip between your teeth in hopes to drown the sound. 

He continued slamming into you at an unrelenting pace, taking notice of each time your eyes would roll back when he brushed against your g-spot. He could write a book about how good you looked all fucked for him. 

As his thrusts grew closer together you could feel your release creeping up on you.  

“Cal, need’ta cum.” you stuttered out. 

His hands tightened around your hips, pulling you even closer to him as his head poked at that spot again. 

“Go on baby, let go.” he encouraged, willing himself to hold out a little longer as your walls fluttered around him. 

Once you had came it only took him about three more thrusts before he was painting the condom with his release, groaning your name as his hand searched for yours to intertwine them as he came down from his own high. 

  His body flopped next to yours on the couch, both of you struggling to fit next to each other in such a small space, not that either of you minded the close quarters. 

Your fingers remained laced together as you caught your breath, Calum peppering kisses to your shoulder and mumbling praises into your skin. 

“You’re an angel. God, I just- I love you.” he said, causing your head to snap in his direction. 

He looked like a deer in headlights when you asked for him to repeat himself. 

“I love you?” he obliged.

“Is it a question?” 

“No, I’m just not used to saying it.” he admitted, vulnerability clear in his eyes. 

You wanted to kiss away the worried crease in his forehead but instead pressed your lips to his, pulling apart a fraction of an inch to speak after a few seconds.

“I love you too.” you ensured. 

Calum eyes widened, not expecting you to say it back, at least not so soon. He had so much he wanted to say to you but figured all of it could be summed up by another kiss to your soft lips. So he closed the distance once again, using a bit more force this time in hopes it would convey the strength of his feelings for you.

[catradoraism]

yeah i just finished watching ep 4 not too long ago and...

wtf jules? wtf rue? like i was so down to see the rue jules and elliet become bffs because they have an interesting dynamic and or maybe even in some kind of poly relationship but like w/o the cheating and being messy :/ like what waS that ew

and wtf cassie? like gurl ohnooo

ajsdnf and cal i don't even know what to say that was just so cringe

this whole ep everyone was a mess

also sidenote i think fez and faye have a hilarious dynamic like she's so wacky but goes with the flow and he's just chill i like how he acknowledges and is actually nice to her

anyways sorry no one else i know really watches euphoria and i jngkljsdgnksd

ok don’t apologise i have no one to talk to about this show either dbbdjfjf. anyway i never liked the rue/jules/elliott dynamic i Knew they were gonna do some weird shit w his character from the beginning. cassie is weird, cal is weird. everybody is weirddddd. like euphoria has always had its many many problems but it was fun to watch. and i am no longer having fun lmao <3 i hate the directions they’re taking literally every character (except maddy maybe???)

[getsojaded]

late nights || calum hood

word count: 1.4k+

warnings: slight mention of cheating

a/n: hi so my twitter tl was talking about bff calum one day and this kinda just popped in my head so yeah enjoy homies <33

—

“It’s three am babe, why’re you still up?” Calum answered the phone tiredly with his eyes heavy, and his voice raspy. “C-Can you open your d-door?” He heard back in response, immediately getting to his feet and throwing his nearest shirt on. He quickly rushed downstairs, opening his front door and seeing his bestfriend, teary eyed with a sad smile on her face.

“Babe, are you okay?” Many thoughts fillled Calum’s mind as he tried to figure out what she was doing here in the middle of the night, with tears streaming down her face. She was crying too hard to get a single word out, and the sight of it made Calum’s heart ache. He pulled her into the tightest hug ever, her burying her face into his neck as he felt her small body shake against him, him filling the silence with it’s okay’s, don’t worry’s, and i’m here’s into her ear.

“I’m sorry to b-bother you.. but he came home from the club like 10 minutes ago, with some o-other chick and I just-” She managed to get out before bursting into tears once again. 

Calum knew exactly what she was talking about the moment she said he. She was talking about her boyfriend, who Calum was not the biggest fan of to begin with. Maybe it was the way he had such an attitude the moment he first met Cal, or maybe it was the way he told his girl he wasn’t allowed to see him again (but she continued to see Calum, which enraged her boyfriend even more.).

Or maybe it was his feelings towards her that made Calum never like him from the start.

“Oh babe, I am so, so sorry,” He rubbed his hand on her back at an attempt to soothe her. She shook her head lightly, pulling away from Calum. “No, no, it’s not your fault. Sorry for waking you up.” She responded, wiping her tears and taking a deep breath. “It’s alright, I’d rather much be up at three in the morning if it made you feel better. He took her hand and walked the both of them towards his kitchen. “Do you want tea? Pancakes? Both?”

She laughed at the gestures the boy in front of her was trying to make. “I don’t need anything Cal, it’s okay.” Cal shook his head, taking his kettle and filling it up with water. “Nope, I’m making you some tea. It’ll help you sleep.” 

While he was waiting for the water to boil, the room was silent. A comfortable silence though. She saw Duke laying on his little bed, and bent down next to him and scratched behind his ears softly. When Cal turned around seeing the sight, his heart filled with warmth and a small smile appeared on his face. I could get used to seeing that every night, he thought to himself, but snapping out of his thoughts once the kettle popped, indicating that the water was ready. 

“Two milk, one sugar, right?” He asked, turning towards the girl who was currently walking back towards the island in the kitchen, her nodding in response. Cal made his way towards her, placing the mug in front where she sat and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She took her arm and wrapped it around his waist, letting her head lay on the side of his body. 

“Everything okay?” He softly asked as she took a sip from the mug. “Do you wanna talk about it?” She looked up at him, his heart instantly aching at the sight of her bloodshot eyes and her drained face. 

“No, there’s not much to talk about, it’s just that,” She took another sip of tea. “It’s just something I have to get over myself y’know? And you know I’ve never been the best at being on my own, and maybe that’s why I kept him around for so long.. I just, was scared of what I would do once I was alone.”

“You know you’re not alone babe,” His grip tightened on her shoulder as she pulled him in closer. “You have me. You know you’ve got me by your side whenever you need it.” 

“I know Cal, I know. And I can’t thank you enough for that. You truly are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I love you so much,” She responded, getting up from her chair and standing up to properly engulf him in her arms. His head rested on her shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her body, sighing. “You don’t need to thank me, I’m happy to be around you, I love you.” Calum told her, knowing that his words meant so, so much more. She pulled away, interlocking her hand with his as she took his hand and interwined it with hers, finishing her cup of tea. “I think I’ve bothered you enough for tonight. I’ll head out now, thank you for letting-” 

“No, I’m not letting you go back to that asshole. Stay with me tonight.” He cut her off, gaining quite a bit of confidence. Maybe it was the jealousy kicking in. “Are you sure?” She asked questionably, her head turning to the side. “You aren’t bothering me whatsoever, of course you can stay the night.” 

Her quiet okay made Calum’s heart jump in excitement, as she slipped off her jacket and set it on top of one of his chairs, then following him upstairs to his room. He threw her a shirt and a pair of sweatpants, with her quickly changing in the bathroom. She came out, seeing Calum without a shirt on and a pair of sweats as well. “Is this okay? Do you want me to put a shirt on?” 

“Cal, this isn’t the first fuckin’ time I’ve seen you shirtless. Also, I’m single now apparently, so it doesn’t even matter anymore.” She laughed, hopping into his bed and turning her back away from him, sighing. “Goodnight Cal.” “Goodnight babe, sleep well.” And with that, the lights were turned off and the only thing you could hear were Calum’s soft snores. 

Unlike Cal, she didn’t go to bed right away. In fact, she was up for a good half hour after he had fallen asleep. Her mind wouldn’t stop racing with thoughts, and her emotions got the best of her. Her eyes began to well with tears, and before she knew it, she was shaking in the bed, attempting to hold back her sobs. Fuck, stop crying, you idiot, she thought to herself. All of a sudden, she heard the lamp turn on and Calum asking her, “Are you okay?” 

She turned to face him, his face instantly filling with worry. “Yeah, sorry, I just couldn’t stop thinking. Sorry for waking you.” She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, smiling at Calum once she was done. “Goodnight again, sorry.” He hated seeing her upset, whether it was over some assignment, her losing MarioKart, or in worse situations, a boy he hated. He loved making her feel better and knowing he was the reason for her smile. 

“C’mere,” He sighed, pulling her closer to him, her obliging and laying her head in the crook of his neck. She wrapped one arm around his waist, hugging him like a teddy bear. He kissed her forehead softly as she nuzzled a little bit more. “You comfy?” Calum asked. She nodded her head, her breathing becoming heavier by the minute. “Yeah.” And with that, the lamp was turned off again.

It was quiet for a little bit, the only thing being heard were their breathing and Calum’s hand running through her hair. The silence was broken as she spoke up, “Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for always being here for me. I know I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions, aside from crying, but words truly can’t explain how much I appreciate you being my best friend. It means a lot, and I’m sorry I haven’t told you that more.”

Cal’s heart fluttered at her little statement, hoping she didn’t feel his heart beat faster. He felt his face warm up and a grin appeared on his face, silently thanking himself for turning off the lamp when he did. “It’s not a problem at all. You’ve been there for me countless times, and it’s only fair if I do the same for you. I’d never leave you in the dust even if I wanted to.”

“I’m glad I have you in my life, Cal. I got so lucky stumbling across you.” She yawned, rubbing her eyes before closing them. 

“Get some rest, you deserve it.” “You too Cal, thank you. Goodnight, love you.” She responded, before falling asleep almost instantly. 

“I love you too, you have no idea how much I do,” He sighed, turning off the lamp and closing his eyes, a bittersweet feeling filling his body.

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

My Ultimate Reading List v2.0 Blurbs Part 2

A/N: As some of you have heard or seen, My Ultimate Reading List (in it’s original version) has crashed on desktop because of (as I realised trying to restore it) too big number of links, so I’m basically recreating the whole thing in a new format. This post goes for 2nd part of Blurbs. Here’s the 1st. There’s one more post for One Shots and Serieses. I’m really sorry for the tag notifs for the people who has been tagged already in a previous version. Hope it’s not much of an inconvenience. I’m also not going to delete the first version of the list, as it’s been liked and reposted a lot of times, it’s still working on mobile, so some might still use it. But all the updates are going to happen only on these two posts, which I’m going to put in my bio instead of an old one.

So, this list was created because of my crazy urge to reread favourite fics and blurbs from time to time. It was made purely for me, but if it helps you to find a fic or a writer you’d love, I’d be only happy. I tried to make navigation easy. For blurbs links go to my reblogs, for oneshots and full lengths links go to the original posts. I try to check links from time to time, but if you see that some of them don’t work, please, hmu.

* stands for the implied smut

*** stands for the pure smut

This list is far from finished, that’s just the first things that came to mind and/or were reblogged. Still have a ton to add. So will update it every now and then.

NOTE, pls: There’s no Michael content here! And that’s not because I don’t like him or don’t appreciate him enough. I guess, it’s quite the opposite tbh. There’s no Michael content here because I appreciate him too much. I love this cute little kitten, he’s the most precious soul and, most of the time I think, there would be no 5sos without Michael Gordon Clifford. I just don’t have any fantasies or images of him in me, don’t see him in any way romantically. That’s why I don’t read (or write for that matter) about him as main character. I understand, that I miss a whole lotta great authors and fics because of that. Maybe it’ll change in the future. But for now, it is what it is.

Also HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHOSE WRITING IS ON THE LIST - THANK YOU FOR THIS! THESE FICS AND BLURBS BELOW HAVE REALLY GIVEN ME ALL TYPES OF FEELS, INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION AND CONTENT. I’M FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS YOU GAVE TO ALL OF US.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU!

Blurbs

Ashton

Cockwarming with Ash by @calpops

Teasing competition with Ash* by @i-calumhood

Being Luke’s friend and getting close with Ash by @babe-babylon

Cherry lollipop* by @i-calumhood

Dad Ash and his lil girl by @irwinkitten and @rosecolouredash

Power out*** by @cal-puddies

Ash coming home late at night*** by @talkfastromance4

Dad Ash and a sick baby by @ukulelecal

Calum

Taking baby boy Hood to Disney by @singt0mecalum

Hogwarts AU Slyth competitors to lovers by @burncrashbromance

Making love to Calum*** by @i-calumhood

Cal keeping you to himself by @i-calumhood

Ice skating first date by @calpops

Clingy baby Hood by @calpops

Cal’s daughter being bullied by @calpops and @rosecolouredash

Fratboy Cal helps you to get off*** by @i-calumhood

Telling Cal he’s going to be a dad on fathers day by @i-calumhood

Facetiming kids from tour by @babe-babylon

Meeting Cal from tour with kids by @i-calumhood

On to the second baby by @babe-babylon

Cal spending time with his baby boy by @calpops

Meeting Cal in the bar*** by @flannelpunkcalum

Toxic hate sex with Cal*** by @flannelpunkcalum

Taking care of Cal after tour*** by @i-calumhood

Parking lot by @calpops

Soulmates with firefighter!Cal by @angelbabylu

Cal giving you hickeys by @singt0mecalum

Cal’s son’s first gf by @babe-babylon

Bff Cal calling you his good girl*** by @singt0mecalum

Cal coming home with new tattoo*** by @flannelpunkcalum

Cal talking to your newborn by @babe-babylon

Bath routine with baby girl Hood by @babe-babylon

Cal singing to your baby bump by @babe-babylon

Soft and cuddly Calum by @vipclifford

Long distance with Cal*** by @i-calumhood

Cal finding out he’s going to be a dad* by @babe-babylon

Duke and baby Hood by @i-calumhood

Dancing with Cal by @calpops

Goodnight selfies by @babe-babylon

Rainy weekend in with dad Cal by @calpops

Mutual pining with bff Cal by @mutualmv

Grocery shopping by @calpops

Masturbating Cal*** and Masturbating for Cal***  by @cal-puddies

Watching porn with Cal*** by @cal-puddies

Friends in love by @flannelpunkcalum

Waking up with Cal by @calpops

Guys hear you with Cal*** by @cal-puddies

Walking in on roommate Calum fucking this girl*** by @ukulelecal

Having sex with roommate Calum*** by @ukulelecal

Morning blowjob*** by @ukulelecal

Calum confirms his love to you by @cal-puddies

Outing dating Calum by @cal-puddies

Dad Cal talking to his newborn baby by @calpops

Aesthetical opposites with Cal by @calpops

Sharing headphones by @currentlyupcalsass

Dad Cal and dating perspectives by @myloverboyash​

First time staying at Calum’s* by @calpops

Chosing a school with dad Cal by @calpops

Cal proposing by a tattoo by @calpops

Dad Cal and future drummer daughter by @ukulelecal

First kiss (enemies to lovers) by @calpops

Lazy day with Cal by @vipclifford

Luke

Dad Luke and teenage daughter by @babe-babylon

Sending nudes to fratboy Luke*** by @hereforlukescruff

Dad Luke coming from tour by @babe-babylon

Car sex by @flannelpunkcalum

Dad Luke and a newborn baby by @ukulelecal

[boytoynamedcalum]

30 Questions Challenge

Rules:

1. Tag the person who tagged you

2. Answer the Questions

3. Tag 20 people

I was tagged by @toofadedtofight

1. How tall are you? 5’3

2. What colour and style is your hair? Naturally dark brown almost black but currently highlights. Naturally wavy as well down to the middle of my back

3. What colour are you eyes? Dark brown

4. Do you wear glasses? No I do not

5. Do you wear braces? No but I might soon

6. What is your fashion style? I’d rather be comfortable. Also living on an island you gotta dress where you can be cool and comfy so I wear shorts and T-shirt’s or shorts and tank tops with cardigans.

7. Full name? Raeanna Lynn Garrido Paulino

8. When were you born? June 1, 1998

9. Where are you from and where do you live now? Inarajan, Guam still live here!

10. Where school do you go to? Currently not enrolled

11. What kind are student are you? I was always the quiet one who turned her work in early or on time😹I tried to finish it asap

12. Do you like school? No and I’m sure people thought I was going to drop out of HS

13. What are you favorite subjects in school? English, Guam History, Beginning cooking and Cultural dance (all in HS)

14. Favorite TV show? Hawaii 5-0, OTH, Friday Night Lights, Gossip Girl, The Good Doctor and Greys Anatomy

15. Favorite Movies? Crazy Rich Asians, 13 hours: the secret soldiers of Benghazi, law abiding citizen, and almost any horror film

16. Favorite books? The five people you meet in Heaven and poetry books

17. Favorite pastimes? Staring off an imagining my life if I were to actually chase my dreams or even dating cal, yeah I said it😹also reading and listening to music

18. Do you have any regrets? Oh absolutely but let’s not get into that

19. Dream Job? SINGER.

20. Would you like to be married someday? Yes!

21. Would you like to have kids someday? Yes!

22. How many? Four!

23. Do you like shopping? Yes but I actually hate trying on clothes so yes AND no

24. What countries have you visited? Just USA

25. The scariest nightmare you’ve had? I was Christmas shopping with my nephew and we had gone to the car to drop off packages so we can continue shopping and these two guys came and took him from me while holding me at gunpoint. I woke up before I can find out if we were able to get my nephew back. (I also cried while telling my sis and bffs bc it felt soo real)

26. Do you have any enemies? None that I know of

27. Do you have a s/o? No I’m holding out for calum. JK

28. Do you believe in miracles? I’m not sure🤔

(It stopped at 28)

I tag @slimthicccal @norawashere @neptunight @xxfuckmecalumxx @cosmocalum @bitterbethany @cthmore @5secondssofssummer @revolt-the-system @my-only-angelle @calssunflower

[jennygoeseastbay]

2018 in Review

So I used to do one of these every year on my Livejournal, and I completely blew it off in 2017 because I kind of abandoned that medium, and because the last month of that year was complete consumed with packing and moving. I’m not entirely certain I want to get more active on here, but for now this is a good place for me to post this, simply to have the written record of my existence that I need in order to process all that has happened and reflect on how it has helped me to grow and improve as a person. If I’m feeling really ambitious, I might even backtrack and do one for 2017 next week, because I like to be complete in my self-documentation. ;)

01. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before? Visited Washington DC for the first time.

Visited the Los Cabos region of Mexico for the first time.

Closed a major gift from someone who had not already had decades of cultivation from their University.

Visited even more areas of California that were new to me, including Anaheim, Santa Barbara, Santa Maria, Pismo Beach, Paso Robles, and Lake Tahoe (I guess that also includes Nevada since we stayed in Carson City)

Visited Ashland Oregon for the first time.

Sold a piece of real estate. Phew!

Practiced Yin Yoga. (And walking meditation!)

Engaged in a yoga hike!

Also tried yoga with goats!

Attended WonderCon

Attended a county fair.

Road a bicycle somewhere other than a residential street

Tried kayaking

Ran a trail run race

02. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never really make concrete resolutions, just some general proclamations about eating better, and putting more time into fitness and writing. Of these three things, the one I was most successful at this year, surprisingly enough, was eating better. In September I realized that it was time for a physical tune-up, and so I rejoined WW after a long time away, and though I still have a few pounds to go, I’ve been happy to have gotten a bit sleeker after dialing back the bread and cheese. I also attended a writing group called Shut Up and Write a couple times, and I’d like to become more of a regular at their cafe sessions in 2019, because I’ve found that their method (literally a concentrated hour of shutting up and writing) has been helpful the two times I’ve gone.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth? My dear friends Drew and Kelly had their first child in September. And my friend Lynn had her second child, a little girl, just a couple weeks ago. 04. Did anyone close to you die? Not super close, but a professor at UC Davis who I had worked with closely, passed very unexpectedly right before Halloween. 05. What countries did you visit? Mexico! Finally broke in my current passport with a new stamp! 06. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Good novel progress. Or more discipline on some other fiction and an essay that I just started tinkering with. A legit boyfriend. 07. What date(s) from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 2 was my first day on the job at UC Davis.

January 7 was a super fun evening at the Museum of Ice Cream in SF

January 13-15 was a wonderful weekend in Seattle where I got to meet my nephew Apollo for the first time and photograph his first swimming lesson for his parents.

January 20 was my second Women’s March outing in Sac with my friend Jade and her little ones.

January 27 was a day when I got to play tour guide for my friend Gricel and her husband when they were in SF visiting for the first time.

Feb. 10 and 11 was a fun weekend in Berkeley and SF, being silly and singing loudly with my former Cal colleagues who had become dear friends.

March 23-25 Was my whirlwind Anaheim weekend at Wondercon, and I got to catch up with my friend Mike, whom I’d not seen in a couple years.

March 30-April 1 was an epic road trip weekend, the first of what my friend Maya and I now call our Girls Gone Sensibly Wild excursions. We drove to Santa Barbara and visited the deserted UC campus there (it was closed for spring break) and also enjoyed an amazing live show featuring Dave Hause, Dan Andriano, and Cory Branan, among others at the Cold Spring Tavern. And then got a joint membership at Peachy Canyon Winery on our way back, because it was one of the few establishments open on Easter Sunday.

April 22 was Earth Day, and prompted me to venture out to Marin for an impromptu yoga hike at Rodeo Beach.

May 14 was my first appointment with a new hair stylist who would also unexpectedly become a trusted friend.

May 24 was my first time seeing Depeche Mode live, and it was incredible.

June 8-10 was my second of two hit it and quit it Chicago trips (although really, the first one wasn’t so much Chicago as it was Joliet) this year, and allowed me to reconnect with my dear friends Drew and Kelly (Drew finished his PhD at UChicago and I attended his commencement and hooding), have a day at the zoo with my friend Dawn, and also road trip to WI with my friend Mary for a beautiful and moving Lights Festival experience together.

June 30 was the day I attended my first ever CalShakes performance with Maya and our mutual friend Paola (Girls Gone Sensibly Wild continued!), and Maya also got me on a bike for the first time in ages, thanks to LimeBikes being available at the Pleasant Hill BART station. We took a short, wobbly, but fun ride down the Iron Horse Trail.

July 1 was the day I learned to kayak and surprisingly got myself through 5 miles of the Russian River without tipping over or running out of steam.

July 26 saw me reuniting with my dear pals Shannon and Glenn, when they were visiting the Sac area for a wedding.

July 27-29 was the weekend I drove up to Ashland to enjoy some time with my friend Debbie and to experience the Oregon Shakespeare Festival for the first time.

August 3-6 was when I somewhat unexpectedly had the delight of hosting my friend Clarise for a weekend visit. We drove down to Pacifica for the International Dog Surfing competition and I schooled her in the ways of California wine as much as I could with my limited knowledge.

The following weekend, August 9-13, I had a lovely time hosting and touring around with my 16 year old niece, and got to introduce her to the joy that is Santa Cruz. And yoga with goats!

August 30-Sept. 4 was when I hosted (this is a recurring theme in August, isn’t it?) my Aunt Sherrie for local sightseeing and a road trip up to Lake Tahoe.

Sept. 22-24 saw me heading down to L.A. for my cousin Katie’s wedding and some work meetings. It was the first time in ages that I got to connect with that specific branch of my family, and get to know them a bit better.

Sept. 29 was my first AFSP walk in Sac. And i was joined by Jade, her visiting mom, and her three little ones.

Sept. 30 was the really long hair session with Mason that helped solidify that we were legit friends (and included a shared sunset from the window of his hair studio!) and a quick follow up appointment on Oct. 3 allowed us to enjoy a rainbow and storm together.

Oct. 19-21 saw Maya and I doing another Girls Gone Sensibly Wild road trip. Back to Peachy Canyon to pick up some wine, and also Pismo Beach and Santa Maria for our first visit to a really lovely winery called Foxen.

Oct. 26 was quite possibly my all-time favorite Brian Fallon performance. It was just him alternating between his acoustic guitar and an electric piano, and he was joined by Craig Finn from The Hold Steady, who also did his own acoustic set.

Oct. 27 I got to introduce my new friend Torrey to the Old Sugar Mill in Clarksburg, and we did a fun wine and Halloween candy pairing and some epic day drinking.

Nov. 3 saw me reuniting with my Cal crew and a sprinkling of East Bay friends at Fillmore Karaoke, for an epic night of loud singing as an early celebration of my 40th bday. So much wine. Actually too much, but for a birthday, that’s acceptable!

Nov. 4-6 I was in Indianapolis for work, and though the work part wasn’t particularly memorable, I was super honored and thrilled that my BFF Dawn drove all the way down from Joliet IL with her two boys to have dinner with me on my first night there.

Nov. 9 was an epic Local H show in Sac. Also a welcome break in the midst of a period of forced solitude, after the Camp Fire residual smoke prompted my whole office to work from home for about a week to protect us from the terrible air quality.

Nov. 18 was the day we had the beautiful service honoring the life of a beloved professor who passed.

Nov. 24-29 was my trip to Cabo with my Aunt Sherrie, and was also my official bday celebration.

Dec. 9-12 was my DC trip, which also allowed me to catch up with my friend Max, who lives in Baltimore, and my friend Stacey, who also happened to be there for her own work purposes.

Dec. 15 was my full day of yoga retreating at Green Gulch Ranch in Marin, and then I drove to the East Bay to catch up with Maya at Calicraft, which is one of our favorite craft distilleries in the area.

Dec. 16 was a white elephant celebration in Pleasant Hill that allowed me to unexpectedly meet a new, interesting friend.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year? So far, meeting all expectations at my new job and closing a major gift earlier than is required. Also not losing my shit during the condo selling process, even though there were a lot of reasons to do so.

09. What was your biggest failure? I wrote VERY little fiction. But I did dip my toe back into writing in general, so I guess there’s that. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I took a tumble at home that left my tailbone a bit tender about a month ago. But otherwise, no, pretty healthy, even after getting rear-ended in my car! 11. What was the best thing you bought? Various travel tickets, both air and rail. A beautiful new necklace that I found at the holiday market in D.C. All the concert tickets that provided soul-fueling live music.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine! I adjusted to a new job and an unfamiliar setting and managed to acquire a few new friends while also maintaining the East Bay friendships that meant the most to me. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Who else but certain immediate family members? 14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Travel. Wine, and to a lesser extent, craft beer, now that I’ve picked up a taste for stouts and sours. 15. What song will always remind you of 2018?

Anything off of Sleepwalkers by Brian Fallon

Anything off of  Be More Kind by Frank Turner

Chariot by Gavin DeGraw

Tall Green Grass by Cory Branan

16. Compared to this time last year, you are: Thinner and sleeker, weight-wise

More willing to make room for others and open my life and space to them (friend and lover both) Still as sleep-deprived as ever 17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Novel writing, as always. Flirting. And kissing. 18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Angsting over adulting-related things that were either beyond my control or that ended up working out just as they should.

19. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?

I’m driving to Santa Cruz on Xmas Eve and treating myself to an overnight stay so that I can indulge in my happy place and a sunset hike. Also get to celebrate Boxing Day for the first time with my friend Jade and her brood back in Sac.

20. How will you be spending/did you spend New Year’s Eve? Original plan was to hang at my friend Jade’s place with her kids, movies and snacks. But just learned the wee ones are ill, so now I’m not sure what I’m doing. That was how I spent last year (the original plan, that is), with the main difference being that last year I also went to a two-hour yin workshop beforehand, which was how I discovered my current yoga studio, and discovered how much I enjoy yin practice in general. 21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

No. But I made more effort to pursue it, and had more options than I think I’ve ever had in a single year. Which was kind of encouraging even if each one was relatively short-lived.

22. How many one-night stands? I always laugh when I read this question. How about I just wink knowingly and say a lady never tells? 23. What was your favorite TV program? Supernatural. iZombie. To a lesser extent, Riverdale, even though I’m still pretty behind on that one. Sons of Anarchy (which I know is old but I’m playing catchup via Netflix and Hulu) And as a guilty pleasure, Total Divas. And of course, I'm still casually following WWE on the WWE network, though the only thing I’m finding compelling aside from the women’s matches are the Brits featured on the UK specific programming. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, I don't think so. 25. What was the best book you read? I finally got into the Harry Potter series and I’m really enjoying it. I just finished the Order of the Phoenix, and have the next installment requested from the library. 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Not entirely new, but my appreciation for Cory Branan was reinforced and amplified after seeing him in Santa Barbara. And I’m also on a rediscovery tear with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and the Cold War Kids.

27. What did you want and get? Reassurance that this move to Sac was the right next step, after I settled in to my new role relatively easily. 28. What did you want and not get? Romantic love for an extended period. More down time. 29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year? Bohemian Rhapsody, even though I know it had some historical inaccuracies.

A Quiet Place was hard because of the ending, but decent as well.

And the latest Halloween was hella satisfying, especially since I caught it after needing an escape after learning about the passing of the professor I mentioned earlier.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I prepped for my Cabo departure, went exploring at the Cosumnes River Trail, which is also a bird sanctuary, and caught the movie Widows with my work friend Christine. Then she took me to Panera for dinner. Couldnt’ do much more than that since I had a 5 am flight the following morning. I turned 40.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Love, as always. 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Activewear as much as possible. But never enough. 33. What kept you sane? My friends. The various trips I took and rock shows I attended. Junk food. Wandering in nature.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jensen Ackles. Tom Hiddleston. Charlie Hunnan. Idris Elba. My taste doesn't change much. 35. Who did you miss? Dawn. Becca. Kelly and Drew. Stephanie and Scott. Rob. Elspeth. Mike K. Jason. 36. Who was the best new person you met?

Lu

Ellen

Mason

Torrey

Anthony

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018 Never underestimate my own ability to adapt to new situations, and to handle my own shit like a boss. I had a few challenging things thrown at me, namely the condo selling process, and the logistical gymnastics that followed after having to bring my car in for a bumper repair following a recent rear-ending, and though I felt tested by both of those situations, I ultimately succeeded at navigating both of them to a positive end.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I’m always starting over....

I don’t wanna waste the nights in my life

But I never fit in, or felt home in my skin.

I’m waiting on a big love, baby.

--Brian Fallon, “Her Majesty’s Service”

[nyisles]

okay I'm lowkey getting into the Islanders but idk very much so could you give me a rundown of your team. they're from what i've seen good guys and I want to love them

i’d like to welcome you to the biggest mistake of your hockey-loving career. you’ll probably hate and love every second of it like i do. i’m trying to think of important info (or at least important to me and it’s definitely biased and missing GREAT guys) so here we go….

before we jump into players it’s CRUCIAL you know isles fans HATE the GM Garth Snow who is honestly a rat. He does NOTHING for this team and needs to be fired. #SnowMustGo and Doug Weight…. he was only supposed to replace our former coach Jack Capuano but here he is… still fucking coaching.

now onto players who make my world go round.

we’ll start with our lord and savior, John Tavares (#91). sometimes called JT. sometimes the biggest loaf of plain ole boring bread, but he’s our captain and we love and need him forever. he’s now a free agent so i’m honestly going to sell a kidney to ensure his spot on the team next year.

then there’s his dare i say elite winger, Josh Bailey (#12). you either hate him or love him, there is no in between on the island. the guy has come a long way from the ~trash~ hockey player we have seen in the past and for that i want to hug him and keep him forever. he finally went to the all star game this year and dang, i’m proud

next is the final part of the BLT line, Anders Lee (#27) (get it… bailey, lee, tavares…) this man just got 40 goals this past season so i am proud!!!! his most notable contributions to the team is being a stud in front of the net and having the anders lee kancer jam which is to fundraise for childrens cancer research. he’s also a proud notre dame alum. one time i saw him on the train and literally walked to barclays next to him and went to talk to him but he had his headphones in and didn’t notice me omfg.

nexT is the second line… they are my life….. let’s start with our absolute gem of a rookie centerman, the loml, mathew barzal (#13). only one t in mathew because he’s fucking cool like that okay? he’s a SHOE IN for the calder. the kid can skate circles around defensemen and create plays in almost any situation. it’s definitely because he had figure skating lessons this past summer, so kudos. i feel like i need a separate post for his perfection and i’m trying to be limited in how much i talk about him because ARE YOU STILL READING? i digress… he is just good at everything. literally. plus he got his first goal in the game against the rags. he is a true islander.

then we have, mathew’s #1 bff / butt buddy….. anthony beauvillier (#72), aka beau aka tito aka a french canadian BEAUT. he speaks french fluently and him and barzy speak it to each other… rt if you cried. this boy was a rookie last year, spent his sophmore year in a lil bit of a slump and was sent down, BUT with ladd’s injury he was recalled and FUCKING DESTROYED IT. he ended this season with 21 goals. dang boy, i’m a proud mom. he is SWEET, he writes cute shit on his stick and smiley faces before games. nothing says panty dropper like a bilingual, sweet, hockey player.

next we finish the line with the gap toothed beauty that is jordan eberle (#7). thank the lord we got him from the oilers (what a fuckin steal…. ebs for ryan strome….) he plays on the most electric line with barzy and beau. he’s probably the consistency this team needed and GOD I LOVE IT. he just does so many things for this teams offense. he said he had fun playing here this season and honestly that’s reassuring to hear someone enJOYING their time on the island.

now to onto less popular guys, but all goodies! we’ll start with cal clutterbuck (#15). most notoriously known on tumblr this past season for injuring both brock boeser and auston matthews. he’s AGGRESSIVE. we need it tbh. plus, he’s not hard to look at. if you’re into older men with great facial hair and tattoos… he’s your dreamboat.

ok next we have in my opinion one of the most beautiful men ever, casey cizikas (#53). he’s just had a baby so he’s truly a ~daddy~ he’s another aggressive guy on the team which is beyond fabulous. i love that shit. he used to be matt martin’s #1 butt buddy but that’s long gone since matty has parted ways with the isles. i feel like zeeker had a pretty quiet season, a lot of ups and downs with an injury.

i would talk about brock nelson but i’m not a fan. andrew ladd also would get a mention in this but he royally blew it this season too. :-)

now onto defense.. this will be short since i’m super biased and only really want to discuss like… 3 of them… nicholas leddy (#2). i really love him for some reason and honestly he’s FAST. he can bring shit into the zone and is fabulous, but he definitely had a rough season. started off great and then it went into a serious decline along with the team :’) i still love him so so so so so much. like if you know anything about me it’s my unnatural love for leds.

then we have leds’ liney.. JOHNNY MUTHA FUCKING BOYCHUK (#55). honestly i would never look at this man the wrong way in fear for my life. recently he fought nolan patrick so he has my FUCKING HEART. he’s a good fucking guy who has dealt with an injury all season and he’s finally having surgery so here’s to hopefully a better year next season.

next is RYAN PULOCK (#6). WATCH THE FUCK OUT FOR HIS ONE TIMERS. HE IS A BEAST. a 10/10 guy in my opinion. he had a 5 point game against the bl*ckh*wks which was INCREDIBLE because he’s the first rookie defenseman in team history to get five points. he’s still young and fresh to the nhl… so he’s probably going to pop the fuck off next season…you heard it here first, a @nyisles​ hot take.

honarable d-men to mention - thomas hickey, BRANDON DAVIDSON… he’s attractive otherwise can’t say much since he was acquired at the trade deadline, cal dehaan who was hurt :’(, scott mayfield who seems like a good guy (also like scary if you ever were to fight) and adam pelech… very quiet guy.

not discussing goaltending because i don’t like jaro and griess isn’t that great.

:-) i definitely left out guys but i tried to give you the need 2 know info. if you read this whole thing….message me LOL.

Thanks!!

[kcamgilmore]

[ ALEX SAXON // MALE // HE / HIM ] – Oh my god, is that [ KC GILMORE ], Ryleigh Mitchell’s [ EX-ONE NIGHT STAND ]?! The tabloids can’t seem to stop buzzing about the [ 24 ] year old [ MEDICAL INTERN ]. According to the press, they’re [ ENTHUSIASTIC ] and [ FUN-LOVING ], yet also [ DESTRUCTIVE ] and [ INDULGENT ], but with all this gossip who really knows? All eyes have been on them since Ryleigh went missing, so are they really innocent? I guess only time can tell. 

ayo its my boi kc he’s here to be obnoxious all over ur dash

this kiddos had a rough life not that you would know based on just about anything about him

he’s an only child and both of his parents are drug addicts who have been in out of prison for a good amount of his childhood

because of this he spent a lotta time in foster care and in JUVIE cause he was a Bad Kid he did a lot of stupid stuff like VANDALISM and GRAND THEFT AUTO god who left him alone

despite being so stupid with his choices the kid was actually a genius and did super well in school. he probably could have done better if he was more dedicated and didn’t like skip school and stuff like an IDIOT but oh well he knew that middle school doesnt count for anything in the long run so he didnt get his act together at all until high school

in high school he was in the ib program as well as advanced placement classes. he was also a varsity basketball player every year of high school. 

while he (obviously) got his act together in some ways (gettin ready for those college apps!) he didn’t have his personal life together at all and he constantly did stupid stuff!! he dated a lot in high school and he’d do this fun thing where he would commit to a serious monogamous relationship and then Always End Up Cheating. i hate him. 

sophomore year he got his girlfriend pregnant and had a baby but they were awful parents so they gave their daughter up for adoption and she got adopted by a really nice family but kc was v :(((( abt it but honestly he couldn’t handle being a father at sixteen considering he couldn’t even handle not cheating on the mother of his baby. i’m serious i hate him.

oh also he started living with his mom again in high school after she got out of prison which is nice and then they moved but they made sure to find an ib school so he could finish the program

despite all his Personal Turmoil, kc graduated top of his class with his ib diploma and a full ride scholarship (a combination of academic and athletic for basketball) to johns hopkins university. 

during kcs first semester at jhu he went to a party at which he met cricket who was SIXTEEN at the time which is awkward but ignore that and they hit it off and became best friends and it was great

basically they were fwb on and off for the next two years while cricket was still at boarding school in maryland and they were also bEST FRIENDS and yeah idk how to describe this

after cricket graduated she moved to la and kc was sad but he kept on living his life and even started to Seriously Date this one girl and it was actually going pretty well and then cricket ruined it (jk) (kinda)

kc and cricket kept going back and forth to see each other in maryland and california bc bffs and eventually cricket realized that she had feelings for kc and she could not keep them inside anymore and she kissed him and kc was like yikes and turned her down at first to be with his girlfriend at the time but just like the bachelor last season he changed his mind and picked cricket instead and they’ve been together every since!

also kc went to johns hopkins for med school as well and then he was supposed to start his medical internship this year at a hospital in so cal but uhhhh he’s Trapped at the lake so that’s not really happening. 

oh also he’s staying with angie and cricket and joey at angies lakehouse

also he wants to be a pediatrician how cute is that

[emmyhem]

it’s about time (l.r.h)

a/n: hi again! first of all i want to say thank you for the support on “seven things” it means the world. secondly, my requests are open and i’d be happy to write something for you. this is a jealous bff!luke imagine i wanted to get up this weekend, i didn’t do a very thorough edit before posting so hopefully there aren’t any typos. i am working on the request for a lashton x reader love triangle piece right now and will hopefully have it up by monday or tuesday. thank you, i hope you enjoy - emmy :) 

pairing: luke hemmings x reader 

summary: being best friends with the guy you’re in love with is extremely taxing especially when you have to watch him be with another girl all night. just when you’ve finally had enough of waiting around for him he ruins your plans for moving on. 

warnings: alcohol, using alcohol as a coping mechanism, slight angst, jealous luke, mentions of throwing up, cursing, luke’s a bit of an asshole. 

word count: 3.3k

“God, could they get a room?” you scoffed leaning into Calum as you watched your best friend practically eat his date’s face from across the club. 

“Jealous are we y/n?” Calum laughed slinging an arm over your shoulder. 

“No, just utterly disgusted.” you said before slamming back your fourth shot of tequila.

 That was a lie, you were jealous. You were so insanely jealous that you could scream. 

Luke had met his date, Hannah at the studio last week. She was new, working at the front desk. She had caught Luke’s eye the second she walked in the room with a bright confident smile, and a flirty look in her eye. Luke had asked her out the next day and was practically giddy when she accepted. 

And that’s how they ended up in the corner of the club, Luke’s hands tangled in her hair, and her tongue down his throat. All the while you were trying to not look bitter, and distracting yourself with one too many drinks. 

It wasn’t a new routine. You couldn’t count how many times you’ve had to sit back and watch a girl way prettier than you, be in the exact position that you would quite literally die to be in, with your best friend of 4 years. And somehow it seemed to hurt more each time, which meant more drinks for you. 

As you felt the familiar and comforting burn of your fifth shot of the night slide down your throat Calum shot you a knowing look. 

“Maybe you should slow down there, kid.” 

You rolled your eyes and took his Corona from his hands using it as a chaser. 

“Corona girl?” you heard from behind you. When you turn, your eyes meet a pretty pair of green ones (you still preferred Luke’s blue, but what the hell). 

“Tequila girl.” you clarified. 

“Respect.” the man said, extending a strong tattooed hand. “I’m Austin.” 

“Y/n” you said, shaking his hand. You glanced over your shoulder at Calum who was now engaged in a conversation with Mikey and Ashton beside you. 

“Pretty name, pretty girl.” he smirked. “So, can I get you a tequila?” 

You giggled, happy for a distraction from Luke.

“You can get me a margarita, on the rocks.” 

“Deal.” 

The two of you chatted as you sipped on your drink, mind getting hazier with each sip. And you don’t know if it was the alcohol or your determination to get Luke off your mind but Austin was really, really hot. 

“Do you wanna dance with me?” you asked before you had a chance to convince yourself otherwise. You were never really a dance in public kind of girl, normally the closest you got to showing your moves on the dancefloor was Just Dance in Luke’s living room. 

“Absolutely.” Austin replied, sliding an arm around your waist to lead you to the dancefloor. 

The bass beat shook the floor as the two of you made your way to the middle of the club. As you stopped you realized you had absolutely no idea what to do. You never did stuff like this. You can’t even remember the last time you went on a date, let alone danced to sleazy house music with a stunning stranger. You glanced around you hoping to follow the lead of the more experienced dancers around you.

 A redhead to your right swung her hips, inching closer to her partner's body with each movement until she was pressed directly to his chest. 

“Seems like a good place to start” you mumbled to yourself. 

The second your hips were in movement Austin’s hands gripped them strongly guiding your movements closer and closer to him. As the beat built and your movements slowed to a teasingly slow pace his grip tightened causing your tight white dress to bunch up on your thighs. 

With the alcohol in your bloodstream and Austin’s breath on the back of your neck you nearly forgot about Luke and your perpetual sadness, that is until you locked eyes with him from across the room. 

Hannah was tucked under his arm sipping on her drink, but his gaze was locked on you, he had an unrecognizable look on his face, and a jaw clenched so hard you feared he would break his teeth. 

You took him staring as the perfect opportunity to spin around, inches away from Austin’s face looking up at him through your lashes. His pupils were blown a bit, eyes filled with lust. He was practically breathing into your mouth. You will yourself to just kiss him. It’s not like you were Luke’s girl you thought, so you started to lean in. 

As Austin placed his hand on the back of your neck you felt someone grab your arm tugging you out of Austin’s grip. 

“Y/n”  Luke appeared next to you.

“Is there a problem man?” Austin said grabbing one of your hands. 

Luke rolled his eyes with a sly grin on his face, “Cal wants to talk to you.” he said to you not breaking eye contact with the pissed off guy in front of you. 

“I’m a bit busy.” you said annoyance brewing in you as you ripped your arm out of Luke’s hand. “Can it wait?” 

“Nope, said it was important.” he said nonchalantly “Better go find him.” 

You internally groaned, “I’ll be right back.” you said leaning in to peck Austin’s cheek. 

“Y/n, C’mon!” Luke shouted over the music. 

“Fine!” you groaned leaving Luke and Austin behind you as you scanned the bar for Calum. 

After searching for a few minutes you saw him in a booth with Ashton, and Michael talking and laughing. 

“Calum,” you called. He glanced up at you waving a hand above his hand. You slid into the booth next to him, your patience growing thin. 

“What is it?” you said. 

“What?” he said, confusion spreading across his face. 

“Luke said you needed to talk to me, what’s up?” 

Calum’s eyebrows tugged together glancing at the other guys. 

“I haven’t talked to Luke since we got here.” 

You rolled your eyes and turned to the corner across the room where Luke had Hannah pressed up against the wall. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you said out loud, rubbing your temple in frustration. 

Ashton gave you a sympathetic smile and glanced at Michael who was practically sleeping on Cal’s shoulder. 

“Maybe we should head out.” he said motioning to the drunk mess that was the three of you. 

“No” Calum whined, dragging out the oh sound. “y/n was about to get some.” he teased poking your side. 

“Just take him home, y/n/n.” Michael groaned, not even opening his eyes. 

You pondered the idea, you never did stuff like this. But Austin was hot, and Luke was preoccupied. To say the least.

“I could take him home.” you say aloud trying to convince yourself. 

“Then do it.” Calum challenged. 

“I will.” you stated proudly. “You guys get Luke. Ash, you get the uber, and Austin and I will meet you at the door. “ you gave a quick nod to the boys and went to get Austin. 

Austin stood exactly where you left him on the dance floor. 

“Thank god you’re back. I-“ 

Before he had a chance to finish, you crashed your lips onto his. He quickly fell into the kiss moving his hand to the small of you back. Before it went any further you pulled apart about an inch, and spoke into his mouth, 

“Come back to my apartment?” 

“Absolutely.” he said an excited smile growing on his face.

When the two of you made it to where your group was struggling to stand by the door Luke pulled apart from Hannah, looking Austin up and down. His eyes stopping where your hands were interlocked. 

“Love, a word?” he slurred, nodding his head away from the group. 

You walked with him just outside the door. 

“What’s up?” 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean with this guy, what are you doing with him?” 

“Um, taking him home with me?” you said confused. 

“You can’t do that.” 

“Who says?” anger began building as you looked up at him. 

“Uh, me I guess. You know nothing about him.” 

This caused you to scoff, a laugh passing your lips, “And you do a background check on every girl you take home with you?” 

“That’s different,” he alleged. 

“And how’s that?” your patience was growing thin, and you could feel this conversation sobering you up. 

“I don’t know y/n, you're just not one night stand material.” 

Okay, ouch. Tears began to prick at your waterline. 

“Go to hell.” you breathed, pushing past him. 

“No, y/n/n. You know that’s not what I meant. C’mon love, hey I’m sorry.” he called after you. 

As you approached the group, holding back tears, you took a glance at Austin in front of you and realized that no matter how hot he was you really didn’t even want this. How could you when you were head over heels in love with your asshole of a best friend.

 But it was too late now, you would do it. Even if it was wrong. Even if you didn’t want to. Even if it was just to spite Luke. 

“Ready to head out?” you questioned aloud, swallowing your hurt. 

“Yep, uber just got here.” Ashton confirmed, guiding a hammered Calum and Michael out the door. 

You all climbed into the Uber X Ashton had ordered, Luke, Hannah, and Calum in the back, Ashton in the passenger seat, and Michael, Austin, and you in the middle. 

As you pulled away from the club, Ashton spoke over the light music coming from the car radio and gave the driver Luke’s address. The group had made plans to all spend the night at Luke’s, like you typically did after a night out. 

“We have one more stop actually” you choked out, feeling Austin lean into you, lips attaching to your neck. 

You gave the man your address and turned your attention back to the sexually charged man glued to your side. As he moved his kisses up to your jaw you closed your eyes, in order to prevent yourself from breaking down. The constant reminder that Luke had no interest in you, being thrown in your face as Hannah released soft sighs behind you. 

Ashton glanced back at you from the front seat, 

“You feeling okay, kid?” he asked. 

You nodded gulping, and looked up at the ceiling to deter your threatening tears. 

His eyes narrowed in concern as he adjusted his body in his seat so he was looking you in the eyes. Luke turned his attention away from Hannah (much to her despair) to the front of the car as Ashton spoke.

“Y/n, you sure? Maybe you and your friend should continue this another night.” Ashton suggested, noticing how you had tensed up and your expression had faltered since entering the car.

 Austin pulled off of you and shot him a frustrated glare from his seat. Ashton raised his eyebrows in response, silently challenging Austin to confront him. 

Austin moved in centimeters from your ear, “Your friends are kind of cockblocks.” he complained. 

You tilted your head away from him and looked out the window Michael was sitting next to.

“Maybe they’re right.” you muttered. “Maybe you should just go home, and we can do this some other time. I’m not feeling well.” 

You kept your gaze directed outside of the car, too afraid to see his reaction to your sudden rejection. 

“Your kidding right?” he scoffed. 

You were becoming more anxious by the second as he rambled on about how you must be joking. 

“I’m not laughing.” Luke interrupted flatly.  

“Okay, what’s your deal man?” Austin’s demeanor had quickly changed as he turned to face Luke, aggression clear in his face. 

Luke held his hands in the air before resting them on the back of your seat. “No deal, she’s just clearly not interested, so maybe you could give her some space.” 

Calum and Michael perked up in their seats as the mood in the car shifted. In the front Ashton was talking to the driver, explaining how you would be getting dropped off with the rest of them. 

Austin was in a confrontational mood now, one that made you uneasy. He and Luke continued to bicker back and forth. Hannah sat confused and aggravated next to Luke.

 You were seconds away from crumbling, feeling extremely upset and overwhelmed. Michael placed a hand on your shoulder, hoping to ease some of your distress as you pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Everyone got out of the car, leaving Austin stirring in his own anger. Ashton patted the top of the car twice before it drove away.

“Well, y/n you sure know how to pick em’” Luke commented. 

Calum shot him a disapproving look as you shoved past, running inside. 

You had officially reached your breaking point. You couldn’t have Luke but you were in too deep to be with anyone else. Not to mention the fact that Luke seemed to be taking pleasure in your misfortune for the night. 

You went straight for the bathroom. All the alcohol and confrontation hadn’t been kind to your stomach. 

You hunched over the toilet and began throwing up before you even got the chance to close the door all the way. Your eyes were red and stinging from your tears and your throat was stripped raw. Hugging your knees to your chest you sat with your back against the sink. 

Three soft knocks came from the cracked door and you peered up through cloudy eyes to see Ashton looking at you with pity clear on his face. 

“Can I come in?” 

You nodded into your knees, staring down at the familiar tiles of Luke’s bathroom. 

You couldn’t count how many times you had been in this exact spot. Whether it be dealing with the consequences of your unhealthy coping mechanism after a night out like you were now. Early mornings after sleeping over, sitting in the steam while Luke showered because he just couldn’t wait to tell you a story, or late nights he would convince you to paint his nails. All of it was replaying in your head. 

“Why can’t he just love me the way I love him?” you whimpered as a sob broke from your throat. 

Ashton was quick to wrap his arms around you, taking a seat on the floor. 

“It’s okay, y/n.” he shushed. “You’re okay. 

“I love him, Ash” your voice muffled from being pressed to his shoulder. 

“I know.” he comforted you, rocking your frame lightly. You sat in silence for a bit, trying to control your breathing. 

By the time you left the bathroom Calum and Michael were asleep on the couch and Luke and Hannah had gone to Luke’s room. Ashton laid on the couch with the other guys and you made your way to the guest room, falling asleep the second your head hit the pillow.   

You woke up early with a throbbing headache and an insatiable craving for iced coffee. There was no doubt in your mind that you were first one awake, the guys wouldn’t be up for hours. You tiptoed through the living room past a sleeping Michael, Calum, and Ashton being careful not to wake them. As you turned the corner to leave you heard a voice from the kitchen, 

“Morning,” Luke called, his gravelly voice making it very clear he had just woken up. He was leaning on the cabinet in a pair of sweats, a cup of coffee in hand. 

“Oh, you’re up.” you responded still moving towards the door. 

“Going somewhere?” he questioned walking towards you. 

“Yea I gotta go, I have uh…” your mind was drawing a blank. “ya know,  laundry.” 

“Wait,” he sprung forward in two big steps grabbing your shoulder. “as urgent as that sounds, I wanna talk.”

“‘bout what?” 

“I feel like I should apologize for last night.” 

“It’s okay, we can talk about it later. I really gotta get going.” 

“Y/n! Will you let me say sorry, please?” he pleaded 

“You have.” you replied nodding at him before turning away once again. 

“Fine, then can I ask why you tried to take someone home last night. You never do that.” 

“No reason.” you lied, opening the front door. 

“Really? Cause Cal said something last night about you being jealous or something and then I went to check on you and I overheard-” 

“I gotta go.” you panicked, taking a step outside. 

Right before the door swung closed and you made your escape Luke stopped it with his hand and spoke, 

“Are you in love with me?” 

You froze where you stood, squeezing your eyes shut completely mortified. 

Slowly, you spun back around to face Luke. He stepped out of the door frame allowing you reentrance and led you to the kitchen. Once you had both sat down he spoke again, 

“So is it true? What you told Ashton last night, is it true?” 

You placed your hands over your eyes and shook your head.

“Does it matter?” you responded. 

“Of course it matters, what do you mean?” 

“I mean you have Hannah and it doesn’t matter how I fe-” 

“Hannah’s gone.” he interrupted. 

“Gone?” 

“It wasn’t gonna work out with us. I ended things last night.” 

“Why would you end things with-” you paused, eyes narrowing.

Luke looked down, suddenly not wanting to meet your eyes. 

“Do you...you love me?” 

At this Luke shot up from his seat and started pacing around the kitchen.

“Well, of course I do. But I asked you first, and you can’t just..” he rambled on but you stopped listening after “of course I do” 

“Lu,” you said, standing up

He continued talking, not even hearing you over his own nervous talking and fidgeting. 

“Lu.” you called a bit louder. 

He turned to you, stopping mid sentence his mouth still hanging open. 

“I am.” 

“You…” he spoke slowly, eyes frozen on you.

“I am in love with you.” 

Both of you were frozen in place, terrified that if you moved you may wake up and discover this was all just a dream. You stayed like that for about a minute till you broke the silence. 

“I have been, for a couple years now. And I never told you, cause I always thought that-” you were cut off by Luke’s lips. 

He had one hand on the back of your neck and the other pulling you closer by the waist. You melted into the kiss pressing a hand to his chest. It may sound cliche but you swore you were seeing fireworks as he ran his tongue along your bottom lip.  

“I love you.” he sighed as you pulled apart. “I am so in love with you, fuck I can’t believe-” Before he had a chance to ramble again you pulled him back in for another kiss. 

After a few minutes you broke away to catch your breath. Luke moved his hands to cup both your cheeks, 

“Hi.” he cooed. 

“Hi” you smiled. “I need coffee” you turned away walking towards the kitchen.

“Hey no wait” he whined pulling you back by the waist. “m’not done kissing you.”

“We have plenty of time for that, but I need coffee now.” you teased pressing a swift kiss to his lips. 

“Mmm, I know but we’ve got a lot of catching up to do” he said chasing behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist as you walked to the coffee machine. 

As you fixed yourself a coffee, Luke's chin resting on the top of your head, you heard shuffling from the living room. When you looked up Michael was walking in with messy hair and eyes puffy from sleep. He glanced at you in Luke’s arms, his expression unchanging and mumbled while pulling orange juice from the fridge, 

“It’s about time.” 

[-outofcontext-]

82 Truths

I was tagged by @onceuponabookblr Thanks for the tag!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, write a post with 82 truths about yourself and then tag 25 people

My Favourites:

Animal: turtles

Colour: purple

Drink: dark chocolate lattes 

Food: anything potato!

Time of year: Summer (I’m a So Cal beachbum) 

Films: Back to the Future, The Matrix, Ghost, City of Angels, You’ve Got Mail, everything with Tom Hanks, more I can’t think of right now lol

Book: Oh man! Um. The Catcher in the Rye, Little Women, Everything by Sarah J Maas, Leigh Bardugo, John Green, and Sarah Dessen. Haha, this question isn’t fair for Booklrs! 

Subject in school: English

Flower: Tulips

Fruit: Pineapple

About Me:

I’m 38 and still play make believe, and climb trees, and roll down grass hills. I’ll never grow up

I work at a library and absolutely love my job!

I live in Southern California, and visit the beach almost daily

Though I finally got a BA in Journalism, my college years were the most traumatic having lost my mother to breast cancer, and I ended up changing majors 6 times in six years.

I was born in Manila, Philippines but raised in Long Beach, CA U.S.A.

As a result go that upbringing, I can understand Tagolog but can’t speak it.

I have one older brother but 7 step brothers and sisters.

I’m obsessed with folktales and mythologies from all over the world.

I have a teddy bear I love so much he travels everywhere with me and is now way more popular on Instagram than I will ever be LOL

33 is the magic number. It was the age my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and growing up I thought that was the age I would die. Now I’m living on borrowed time. 

Most recent:

Phone call: My best friend

Text: Also my best friend

Food: Langonisa and fried rice 

Drink: Coffee

Book: A Darkly Beating Heart by Lindsay Smith

Purchase: Wonder Woman: Warbringer by Leigh Bardugo 

Song I listened to: Despacito, because unfortunately its been playing every damn hour on the radio

Reason to be excited: I got one of my fave authors to agree to make a visit to the library I work at! 

TV show: Younger. OMG I swear I have thought about doing the same thing LOL

Obsession: Books!

Memories:

Happiest: About five years ago, I got to visit the Philippines for the first time since I was a child. I did so much sightseeing and island hopping. And I met over a dozen of my cousins that weren't even born when I left.  

Saddest: Nov. 20, 1999. Mom lost her fight with breast cancer. 

Strangest: I think this one comes from my dreams. I don’t dream vividly usually. I can never remember my dreams. But once in a blue moon, I dream in a way that I can recall it like a movie I watched. And I recently dreamed I was an alien superhero lol

Scariest: When I was 21, I fell into a bonfire pit at the beach, fire and coals and all. I ended up suffering 2nd and 3rd degree burns on the bottom of my feet. I thought I was never going to walk again. It took a long time and a lot of therapy but I can :)

Funniest: There’s a community in Long Beach referred to as Midget Town. It’s a closed community of little people. When my best friend and I were in high school, we drove all around Long Beach trying to find the entrance in the middle of the night. We never found it, but we were delirious with laughter the whole time. 

Exciting: I think the first time I went to an SCBWI conference in 2011. I was so inspired and in awe, and it was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere. I had found my tribe, I was a writer after all. 

Proudest: When I finished writing my first ever YA novel. 

Boring: When I was a preteen (Can’t remember exact age), there was a day when I sat on my bed and stared at the wall all day, from waking to when I fell asleep. I don’t remember why I did it, but I remember that’s just what I wanted to do. 

Biggest Fears

Being in a car crash (IDK why it’s always on my mind)

Spiders!

Clowns

Drowning

Public Speaking lol

Excited for in Life:

Publishing my first book

Travelling

Finding “the one”

Becoming a mom

Learning new things (like surfing & archery)

Learning to cook lol

Reading great books and meeting more authors

I am always…

Checking my social media

Reading

Still playing Candy Crush...

Taking pictures of my teddy beat

Texting my BFF

Checking emails

Looking for something to snack on lol

Looking up book sites for book news

Stalking authors in twitter

Daydreaming...

I wish I was, and I eventually will be…

A published author

A decent cook lol

Confident and self-assured

Better at managing money

An archer

A wife and mom (hopefully)

A world traveller

A speaker of my native land’s language 

A ninja warrior (My latest obsession lol)

A homeowner 

Favourite Things about Myself:

I am a very positive person

I always try to look for the good in people

I am extremely inquisitive and love learning new things

Long hair, don’t care lol

I have an eye and appreciation for art

I am a very loyal and supportive friend

I will go above and beyond for my family and those I love

Once I care, I will never stop caring about you

I will never give up

Finally, my blog…

I wanted to find a blog where there were great inspirational and sometimes funny quotes from my fave YA books. So I created one myself. 

Probably needs more artistic posts of the books I’m reading, but creating those are harder than it looks man!

Is really just for me, but I truly hope you all enjoy it as well. 

Tagging booklrs I’d like to know more about. But anyone and everyone is welcome to post :) @readers-live-a-thousand-lifes @yaliteraturebookshelf @feysandsmut @teachingliteracy @quietya @tsundokusam @yabookers @yaseriesinsiders @aliteraryescape @dailyya

[mikeysanos]

What's wrong with this sudden hunger?? Ok until now i only ate 700/800 cals but i just wanna eat more. My stomach isn't hurting from hunger but I'm craving it like i just want to put it in... Is it stress? I finished my exams. Is it because I'm seeing my bff after 2 years? I don't understand. I just feel so empty and disgusting i wanna purge but my parents are home :( now that i started purging it's getting addictive