#So I guess I have some new ideas though. I did share those on discord already-

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Thinking about Mandela Prophet au.

But brain isn’t coming up with new ideas- 

[insertdisc5]

Devlog #16: Answers and Questions

Hello everyone! Welcome to this month’s devlog!

If you just stumbled upon this, I am Adrienne, also known as insertdisc5! I’m the developer, writer, artist, main programmer, etc of the game. The game being In Stars and Time, a timeloop RPG, which is also the next and final game in the START AGAIN series, following START AGAIN: a prologue (available here!).  You can find out more about In Stars and Time here!!! 

LET’S GET TO IT. This month is Q&A: Cohost edition!

“A Q&A again?” Heheh well I don’t have anything to talk about this month ✨ We’re working hard on finalizing the localization! And on porting to consoles! And on secret stuff! You know, the usual!!! Get excited!!! So, Q&A again 💖 And see, I asked questions for Q&As on Twitter. On Tumblr. On Discord. But some new social media platforms have entered the fray. SO.

Welcome to Q&A: Cohost edition. (Follow me on cohost and/or read this post I wrote about why I think cohost is neat teehee) (and follow me on bluesky if you want. I like it way less though. Sorry bluesky)

@ItsMeLilyV asks:

One of the bits of advice that gets tossed around by indie devs is to avoid making RPGs, especially for your first few games, because they tend to be large in scope, difficult to prototype, and easy to underestimate.

Was this ever a fear for you in making START AGAIN, or In Stars and Time? Did you take any special precaution to keep these games within a scope you could handle, and did you learn tricks from START AGAIN that carried over to ISAT when in came to keeping things manageable? Thank you!! ✨

I had no idea that was a piece of advice given, but yep, that makes a lot of sense! Since I didn’t know, I went in blissfully aware, teehee.

I will say that I am familiar with working on big projects from working on comics, and with seeing big webcomic artists always mention to never start with your magnum opus… And I could tell ISAT had the potential to be way bigger than I imagined, which is why I decided to start with creating the prologue to get used to RPGMaker as well as making games. Kind of a pilot of sorts!

Again, thanks to comics, I know to keep my scope pretty small, because even if you keep it small it WILL balloon into something way bigger than you thought. Just for the prologue, I imagined it’d be a 20mn game, and it’s easily a 2-3h one! Keep your scope small!!!

As for tricks, when I catch myself thinking “wow what if I added this cool thing”, I try to always keep in mind those two things: 1. How long will it take to implement (including bug testing), and 2. Does it add something important to the game. I know we always want to add a fishing game, or a fun minigame, but do you Need It. Does it add something substantial to the story, to the Themes. Or are you just adding it because you like fishing games. Which is a valid reason, but also, maybe just make a fishing game instead. You are not the Yakuza series!!!! You are a small indie gamedev!!!! Think about you in 4 months who has to fix all the fishing game bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@stem asks:

how is it to have a piece of art that's basically done (as far as i understand) that you can't share yet? like how do you personally bide the time until it's finally ready to release, or is it not really a challenge to wait? :0c

It’s so weird!!! The game has been done for so long!!! I’m very glad I asked some friends to playtest the game, so I could at least get some feedback before the game is out… In some ways it feels like the game will be done twice: once back when I finished making the game, and once when the game actually comes out. It’s just a very strange experience. Sometimes people tell me they’re excited to find out more about this story beat, or about this character, and a part of me is like… Wait, haven't you played the game? Oh, yeah, it’s not actually out. Guess you’ll find out later.

EDIT: My god. I just checked on my private devlog for when I completed the Alpha of ISAT. It was in August of last year (I lay down on the floor and look at the ceiling) (I still had to finish all the illustrations so really the game was Done Donezo in October but still…)

anon asked:

What role did Armor Games play in creating the final product?

SO MANY THINGS. Here are some of them: support when it comes to porting/marketing/social media/localization, feedback on the game and how to make it better, community guidance, testing support, QA/internal testing… The game couldn’t be the way it is without them.

For more small details, I have a weekly meeting with my producer, Dora! We talk about the game and how everything is going. A couple months back, I also was checking in with the internal QA team fairly often to fix any remaining bugs. They also helped me find ISAT’s additional programmer, Isabella, and she is a godsend because coding is hard. They also take care of communicating with press, finding more opportunities to showcase the game in conventions, talking with the localization/porting teams… I am probably forgetting a thousand little things they did to help out!!! THEY’RE SO GOOD OK

Anon asked:

So obviously the skills/spells/what have you are based off of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Did you design each "type" to be like a certain style? Rock being heavy damage and defense buffs, scissors being speed and quick attacks, like that?

Absolutely! I just went with the obvious. Rock is physical damage, defense focused, Scissors is swords, attack focused, and Paper is magic, mind focused. It was fun to develop a spell system around those! I’m excited for people to find out more about Craft…

@nickshutter asks:

I really loved START AGAIN (streamed it for a small handful of friends) and was super happy to hear about a follow-up! The cast is so much fun and their personalities are really well-balanced—did any of the characters change pretty drastically from their initial conception during development of the game?

I’m so glad you streamed it with friends… I hope you had a good fun time…

And for sure! Isabeau and Mirabelle were pretty set from the get go (himbo and shy wallflower), but Odile started as more of a gentle teacher type, even if I very quickly went the snarky old lady route. Siffrin and Bonnie were harder to pin down– I wasn’t sure how to portray Siffrin’s despair in the prologue, and started showing them more overtly depressed, but I thought it’d be Very Yummy to have them show a happy facade to their friends. And then, for ISAT, I had to figure out what a non-depressed Siffrin would be like, for the first couple acts of the game before the despair sets in. As for Bonnie, I had a lot of trouble figuring out what they’d be like, what kind of kid they were, what their relationship with everyone else would be like, and then I thought about what their past would be like and then their characterization was set in stone. Sometimes you need to figure out One Thing to unlock a character’s brain. I’m very excited for everyone to find out more about each character in ISAT!

@SuperBiasedGary asks:

What games (or other media) lit a fire under you to create your own?

It could be stuff you liked so much it inspired, something you found frustrating because you felt an itch to do it differently, or something that made you realise humans make things and you could be one of them.

I found a lot of indie games inspiring, but I think Umineko might’ve been the one that made me go… Oh, anyone can just make a massive video game narrative. And you can make it very simple, with kinda goofy sprites, and still manage to make an incredibly touching story!

As for frustrating games that lit a fire under me, I think I’d say in general, I found issue with the classic trope of the “main character helps people and doesn’t get anything back”. What often happens in some games is that you help NPCs with their problems, sometimes helping them with very intense, complicated problems! For a very long time! And, in exchange, you get… A cool item? A nice new skill? And that’s it?

I know this might be complicated to implement on a narrative perspective, but I remember playing Persona 5, and your character just went through a very harrowing experience (like, oh, being INTERROGATED AND TORTURED BY THE POLICE) and you help your friends during social links, and they go “thanks for your help! Bye~” like WHAT ABOUT ME. WHAT ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. CAN YOU GIVE ME A HUG

So on a certain level, I wanted a game where instead of the characters around you having problems, the main character also has problems. And is subconsciously screaming “CAN YOU PLEASE NOTICE I HAVE PROBLEMS AND GIVE ME A HUG.” And hopefully, the characters notice. Winks

Hm. I do want to say I wrote most of the prologue/ISAT during the pandemic, and I felt very lonely and not supported. But then guess what. I told my friends about how I felt. And most of them told me they had no idea, and vowed to support me more. And now I’m closer to them. So the moral of this answer is, yeah, it’d be nice if people noticed, but also, you need to tell people when you’re feeling bad. LOOKS AT SIFFRIN

Anon asked:

Is there a song you listen to in order to put yourself in the sasasa/ISAT mindset?

I have a whole playlist baybee. Before you ask: there aren’t any hidden meanings behind those song choices. It’s about the Mood, and also my personal tastes in music I listen to when I need to concentrate. I like songs that go WUB WUB

 In no particular order, here are five random songs I played on repeat when making the prologue:

Future Club (Arcade Version) by Perturbator (in bold because this was THE song I listened to on repeat. I believe I gave it to Lindar for inspiration lol)

Arcades by C2C

Wake Me Up by Para One

The First Wish by DROELOE

Les Enfants du Paradis by World’s End Girlfriend

And here are five random songs I played on repeat for In Stars and Time:

Down by Chloe x Halle

Nonsense Bungaku by Eve

Non-Breathe Oblige by PinocchioP

Gentle Heart by Jamie Paige

Ready For The Floor by Hot Chip

It’s interesting, the songs I listened to for the prologue are generally more heavy and frenetic, while the ones for ISAT are more hopeful… I made sure to listen to more lively songs for ISAT, since that’s the feeling I wanted to give off…

That’s all the questions I have! In other, non related ISAT news, I have started a new project and having a lot of fun. It’s a visual novel this time. I’m hoping to get some screenshots ready in the next few months, but also I’m taking it easy on this one. If it takes years with many breaks in between to get it done, it’s fine. What matters to me right now is the process!

That’s all I have to say for today! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s any aspect of the game development struggle you’d like me to talk about! See you next time!!!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WISHLIST THE GAME ON STEAM ALSO IT REALLY HELPS BECAUSE STEAM’S ALGORITHM IS MORE LIKELY TO SHOW OFF GAMES WITH A HIGH AMOUNT OF WISHLISTS THAT’S THE REASON WHY GAME DEVS ALWAYS ASK TO WISHLIST!!! OKAY BYE!!!!

[journey-to-the-attic]

Hi Kin. I wanted to ask, how did you manage things like writer's block or creative burnout while writing JTTA? I'm midway through a longfic now and it's kind of exhausting. I feel like I'm whining but I barely get any comments or asks or anything.

hi anon! honestly i'm not sure if i was the right person to ask this, because i... kind of didn't? as in, i didn't really have these problems - boring answer, i know!

i got lucky because i hit a sweet spot where the base story and characters were strong, but with just enough gaps in plot, worldbuilding, development, etc. such that the momentum of filling everything in carried me through the whole process. but there were definitely a lot of occasions where i sat there thinking "okay i have no idea what to do now"

in those cases, often i had to just step back and ruminate on it for a little while - i've pretty much constantly got little ideas bouncing around my head, and sometimes they hit each other like snowballs and form into more fully-fledged plot points, scenes, dialogue, so on. i try to keep track of these in notes apps, personal discord channels, etc, and dip into them if i'm stuck on something!

not sure if your fic is for obey me, but this could still apply even if not - with all the pop quizzes and devilgrams that put the characters in a bunch of new contexts, it's helpful seeing how that character's static vs dynamic traits persist/change depending on them, and often that'll give you inspiration as well. depending on what you've got available, you could browse through source material, or brainstorm aus, whichever you enjoy most

i'm really not sure HOW i've stuck with obey me for so long, but somehow it's just stuck with me. i don't remember being so invested in it before jtta, so that's probably why, but i just really love these guys, and i suppose that's why i never burnt out of it? i think it was also because i knew what story i wanted to tell, and i really wanted to make sure ik got her happy ending, and that carried me through as well

seriously, though - do take breaks. every writer's mileage varies, so take a step back whenever you need to. writing fics should be fun! sometimes it does feel like a chore, and it becomes more like 'the only thing i hate more than writing is not writing', but it happens to all of us. sometimes you've just got to rest until your second wind comes along

in terms of comments and such... yeah, it's a tough one! the unfortunate thing is that a vast majority of readers - even if they really enjoyed your writing! - won't leave a comment. don't take this as a direct reflection on your writing! often the reader can't think of what to say, is too shy, or quite simply forgot

again though... i'm not sure if i'm the best person to ask for advice here! i started publishing jtta without much expectation for an audience, given the genre of game it's written for, so any attention was more a nice surprise than anything. i suppose that, later on, when the fic was more well-established, i did start holding some expectation of response - and it really is tough when you don't get as much of one as you were hoping for

i've seen people talking about how the ask culture on tumblr has died down a lot in recent times, so i'm sure you're not the only one feeling like this! all i can suggest is trying to find more friends (mutuals?) and... networking, i guess? i've seen advice saying to share your fic within communities of writers, too

i can't honestly say if these things'll work, because i'm very bad about interacting with a wider fandom in anything - i usually keep to myself, so often i don't have much of an expectation for how and when people come chat. as in real life, i'm only a chatterbox when approached first haha

i'm not sure how helpful this has been, but i'm rooting for you! if you'd like to share your fic here, please do - though i understand if that's something you'd rather keep to yourself as well.

creating things is a joy - it might take some searching to find a circle, but the beauty of the internet is that you will, somewhere out there! wishing you the best ^^

[dxdoha]

yaaaay, she's finally in! hi everyone, it's sera or sarah (whichever you prefer because i like both) and i'm here with my girl, bae doha - a tier c agent who mostly works in espionage, a girl can show many sides to her personality simultaneously which is probably considered crazy to most people but i swear it's not her fault. if any of your muses want to engage in some wild shenanigans, please do like to plot and i'll come over to u to plot and possibly share discords if you want that! i'll put a hopefully (?!) shortened little summary of her under the cut! if you want something more in depth, you can look at her profile here as well!

when i decided to write her, automatically i thought of spy x family as a tiny part of her backstory was inspired by it if you couldn't tell already!!

doha in a way, is trying to figure out the cause of her parents' deaths, as in who turned their house into a fire cockpit so she has been trying to get her hands on documents or sensitive information on any villain she can encounter on missions (if she feels as if they could be the cause of it).

by the way, she was about to die too in that house but her mom basically protected her til the very end and she did survive long enough to be saved.

from the orphanage she stayed at, that was when her abilities started to go out of control and she would manifest like multiple copies of herself so they'd have an extra two dohas running around. doha was just that one kid who stands in the corner, a lonely kid but with the ability to make clones of herself, people see her differently.

she got adopted at the age of 11 from super spy parents and you'd think that normal parents look for a child because they just want a normal little happy family, right? well it was like shopping to them when they decided to take doha home. her powers intrigued them and everything and they thought simply having a baby was too much work.

went into school fairly early, like a month after she got taken home from the orphanage. private school in korea pretty much, which had her parents pull some strings in order to get her into it but it worked, due to her mom's profession. went there until she was able to pass exams in order to enter the academy, which she ultimately joined once she was sixteen. finished in the top five basically, barely made it up there actually!

has been a tier c agent for not even a full six months? she's still pretty new. she has gotten better at espionage though due to her father's teachings in combat and her mom tries to help her temper her own emotions; got her charm from her.

you can be charming and be a loser at the same time, that's doha basically. the number of times she embarrasses herself during a mission was plenty but thankfully no one notices.

but anyone can definitely find other sides to her if they encounter any of her clones around doha's vicinity. just a warning that one may be meaner than the other or one much more confident and less embarrassing than the original. in the end, they are all still her. real doha is more empathetic at least.

all still her in terms of personality, ones that are buried i guess!

plot ideas anyone?

so many orphaned kids in this rp so maybe there was one that was in the same one as doha and witnessed her powers go out of control?

you dropped some sensitive information somewhere out in public that could make or break you on accident and now doha managed to find it?

met one of doha's clones out and about and then you meet doha herself and she seems completely differently from the one you met earlier? because that happens sometimes.

fellow spies apart of n.e.p.a, rise up!

not gonna lie, i am a big fan of romance whether it becomes something or not so like... maybe there is someone who just completely charms her by doing something cool and badass.

two terribly lonely souls drinking at a bar to have fun, or go to a cute bakery to have a perfectly crafted cake all to themselves.

frenemies? rivals? we love those! two people who love to compete with one another every chance they get or just one of them waiting for the other to fail / embarrass themselves so they can laugh? it's endless.

for a more serious plot... maybe you heard about that one family who became collateral damage to a villain attack and you suspect doha was apart of it in some way? as in she was effected by it? or you've been in the medical field and suspect something instantly? public isn't aware of it.

if nothing else, we can brainstorm! that's a-okay with me too!

[dirty-osc-confessions]

Coming back to copy-paste my confessions for the background of my anon sona. The concept of an "anon sona" is kinda crazy esp since I can't share it on Tumblr bc my style is somewhat recognizable to those who know it, and part of the name is being anonymous. I guess it's better to have "🫳🫴🦷 anon" be the person tied to my words than my main blog/image.

I've been quietly using that emoji combo for at least a year before I was even on Tumblr though, so if any of my close friends ever get Tumblr and find confession blogs I'm done for.

The only place I think I can safely put the art itself is the main oscconfessions blog's discord, but the link expired, so I'm trying to be patient to wait for the meetup to end so I can beg for a new one. Honestly, it being closed right now hurts rrgfghg.

5 hours on my Freaky Tooth drawing so far. If anyone wants to see it, I can send it in the inbox, and as long as it's deleted eventually, I'm good. The want to show off art is slowly arguing the style recognition argument away

Something to confess while I'm here, the months Airy was gone in hfjone makes less sense the more I think about it.

Food & water are the basics - based on the assumption that hfjone follows the same rules/standard of other object shows, objects need to at least eat to survive. Furthermore, we can see that there are restaurants in the osc version of San Francisco, and if not that, there's at least a bar. Alcohol as a beverage was made through wheat products, which were only harvested for the purpose of food in the first place. There's always the possibility with that that in this alternative timeline, beer/alcohol was made later on in the modern age through experimenting with brain chem's reaction, and in this case, I present water. In the hfjone investigations, much like in a real police questioning scenario, each of those who give testimony are offered water. This is to build rapport, but I don't have time to go into criminal psychology (as much as I'd love to talk abt it, this is an osc confession), so instead I'll say for the sake of argument that water IS essential to an object living.

Where did they get the water during that time??? Sure, there was the swimming pool, but I doubt they'd do that for months without making some form of cup. Slurping up water WHILE SWIMMING IN THE WATER is a terrible idea, you will get another Liam scenario. (Also feel like the water level might've gone down a bit, but who cares.)

Food??? I think at this point, they still had Whippy Creamy, but whipped cream is not a viable source of nutrients. ALSO, there's an issue with quantity. Do you really think one tub of whipped cream could sustain a group of more than even ONE object for that long??? Idk, maybe they just started eating tree bark from those trees we see in the challenge to "run to the tree and back".

I have less of an issue with Airy's version of this. There was probably some wildlife/edible plant life around he could get in a decade.

I mean. You could always just. Moldy is still a piece of bread, and if you cut off the moldy bit, you might be able to last a bit. They didn't do that though, sucks to suck not to resort to cannibalism in basically a stranded island scenario. Speaking of, object anatomy, yeah? Weird stuff, but I'll talk about that some other time.

Still enjoy hfjone. I don't have anything vitriolic to say other than I still hate bfdi with all my heart and soul. Love all the algebraliens, though ♡

I didn't double-check any of my claims here, but I think rewatching all of hfjone/the investigation tapes earlier this month is still fresh enough in my mind to talk about.

I find Pi and Animatic are those I'm most 'down bad' for. Jjjjjesus I didn't plan on this being an nsfw consfession though, and it's already getting quite long as is.

xoxo, 🫳🫴🦷 anon (freaky tooth)

wow, interesting stuff. is there a history of adhd in your family?

[changelingsandothernonsense]

Wip Whenever the Day of the Week!

So last week I finished two renders Woo! This week we have two new arts that I'm starting (4 technically but you know, just sharing the personal work) and some writing (I did share this to discord but I'll throw this in here too). Tagged by @paraparadigm @mareenavee and @friend-of-giants

If you wanna do it too then go ahead! Everyone's already shared by the time I get to mine (14 hours ahead, 24 behind XD).

Art First!

Relates to the fic I guess. It's fun, I draw birds! There's a time difference!

The rest is under the cut!

Now for writing.

So I power smashed out a chunk of a chapter from Teldryn's POV yesterday. He's waiting and he's bored and he's in his head, so is someone else. Some of you have already seen it, and some not. There's a fight scene that I'm, in the middle of which I'm not ready to show yet but have this.

The bastards took his keys. Both of them, right from his pack. The bastards just kept coming. The last two weeks had been truly unrelenting. He’d hit Sigrun’s men at the barrow, then near the Telvanni stronghold, some even managed to make it as far south as Fort Frostmoth after that woman from the Netch had cleared the entire place of ash spawn and undead. All by herself too, not a single guard had accompanied her according to Geldis. Though Teldryn was certain the old fool was exaggerating, that place was infested with those disgusting things. They regularly assaulted the Bulwark, each attack taking out more of Veleth’s guardsmen. Teldryn smiled to himself, he had his opinions on their competence, and it wasn’t flattering.  He’d told Veleth as much during the last assault and was once again met with the old guard captain’s gruff indifference.

So, she was better than a few guards? Who cares? He did, apparently. He’d been ruminating over their encounter for the last two weeks. He had made an utter fool of himself, completely blew it. Fuck! He actually stole from her! And he didn’t regret it either, she had good shit. Besides, he needed it more than she did… not to mention he was certain she was after him, the whole situation just didn’t add up. Gods, why was he thinking about this? Why did he care?

He fiddled with one of his rings under his gauntlet. The one with the misspelled engraving that he never bothered to have fixed and felt sick to his stomach. Guilty, he still felt guilty after all these years. He wanted to drown that feeling out again, but he couldn’t. Not yet, not when he was supposed to be watching the shore for more of Sigrun’s goons.

He was distracted again, he was always distracted. He wanted to pace, scratch at something, anything to get his mind off of him. Two hundred years and the pain still felt so raw. Does it ever end? He started fiddling with a loose thread on his scarf, unravelling it until a new hole was created. He’d fix it later if he remembered. Probably not. By Azura was he bored! The bastard said that his companions had set up again by Bloodskal Barrow again, but they weren’t there! He wanted that lizard that took his keys! By Boethiah he wanted his head on the end of his sword! His gauntlet caught alight; he was getting angry again. Good. Good. It was better than his perpetual wallowing. He was productive when he was mad, could get shit done! He threw the fireball that had formed at the ashen sand, it solidified under the intense heat. The cracking sound was awful but it was something.

He can’t sit still. His head felt itchy, and he ran a gauntleted hand through his hair. He needed to cut it, or at least shave the sides down again. He didn’t have his things. He needed his things!

Fuck where were they? Teldryn lay back hard, causing a small bloom of ash to raise around him. His hair fell in his eyes and he lazily brushed it aside. He stared up at the sky, it was now well past sundown, an aurora danced above, its green and violet symphony drowning out the stars. It was almost romantic if he would allow himself to think of such things. A bad idea.

So he tried to clear his mind and concentrated on the light lapping of waves on the shore. Those distant groans of netches further down the beach, the soft sound of booted footprints in the ashen sands.

Teldryn sat up to get a better look around, he could make out a figure about half a klick downwind of his position. Bonemold, one of Veleth’s boys on patrol? No, he’s too far away from town. He watched the lone guard as he sauntered along the shore. The guard sat on a log, his back facing Teldryn and pulled something out of a small sack that he couldn’t quite see. Food? Most likely. Teldryn felt his stomach growl and he fell back onto the sand. He’d forgotten to eat today, didn’t he? It was a habit he’d developed a long time ago. Easy when everything tastes like the ash of Red Mountain was swirled in a salty brine. It no longer brought him any joy. Still, his mouth watered. If those bastards didn’t show up soon he’d have to go bother Geldis again. He was out of food, he’d been out of sujamma for days as well. Gods was he craving that! Anything that could drown him out really. His fingertips itched and he pulled off his gauntlet with his teeth. It was that fucking ring again! It was too tight. It was never meant for him. It was his. He couldn’t get rid of it! By Azura had he tried, it was a part of him now. He should never have put it on! He held the ornate shape of it between his front teeth and gave it a light tug, relieving some of the pressure.

“Stop it!” “No, you parasitic fuck!” Teldryn growled under his breath. He tugged again. “That won’t work.” “Try me!” he growled, yanking at it harder this time. The force hurt his teeth. “Quit your incessant whining and listen.”

Teldryn stopped for a moment and listened. Chattering, no, no yelling! He glanced over towards the spot that guard should have been. He was on the ground, surrounded by three heavily armoured  Nords, one pulling the sword from the guard’s back, but was unable to make it budge. Teldryn snorted, idiots. You stick a sword in that part of the armour and you’ll lose it. It was a quirk of design that he never quite understood, though it had been explained to him often enough.

“To your right.” Teldryn moved his gaze away from the guard and towards the Barrow. A boat and several more armoured men hauling gear out of it.

Oh, it’s on!

Teldryn grinned wickedly and sprang to his feet. He pulled his discarded gauntlet back on and threw on his helmet, scarf and goggles hastily, he was itching for another fight!

[emilou-keen-gear]

To Jim: Have you and “Negaduck” discussed what you’ll be doing on Halloween, if you’re on your best behavior?

I thought the answer to Jim's question would be better put as a story. Here we go:

Word Count: Approx 1000

Characters: Jim Starling/Negaduck

Title: Consorting with Demons

            Jim Starling waited in the dark. Nobody was there with him but he wasn’t alone. He heard himself breathing in and out, felt the blood pumping in his ears as the anticipation built, and strengthened his grip on the rubber covered handle. It was his lungs, his blood, and his hand that did all these things, but he shared them with someone else. Because it was for Negaduck that he was there.

            Dr. Hodgens had told him that this was a bad idea. Perhaps she thought that the excitement would be too much for him. Or maybe it was the fact that he was giving up control to his inner demon that she thought that he would lose himself. But he couldn’t keep his dark side down any longer. Negaduck was a volcano ready to explode when the pressure became too much. This was better. This would be venting some of the pressure, tiring the monster inside him so he wouldn’t have to wrestle with his subconscious every day.

            No, this was for the best.  Better to let him out now where he couldn’t do any harm then for him to break out and regret it later.

            Jim heard footsteps in the dark hallway. He barely raised his head when Negaduck took over, the desire to bring fear into young hearts bringing out the villain. This wasn’t the first time, but tonight would be the last. Then would be the finale, his encore, his coup de grace, and then it would be back into the dark recesses of Jim’s mind.

            Negaduck was going to enjoy every last minute of this.

            Through the dark and the fog, he could make out a group of five.

 The whispered voices told him it was a mixed group of boys and girls, teenagers by his guess. They were perfect.

            He reached for the ripcord on the chainsaw and pulled it with all his might. The chainsaw wasn’t new, so it chugged the first time. But the sound got the kids’ attention. He pulled it again, and the small motor sputtered then revved.

            The group of teens pulled together like sheep when a pack of wolves had them cornered. They held onto each other and he could hear whimpers and little screams from a few.

            Negaduck stepped out of his niche in the wall and raised the chainsaw, letting it growl that high, grinding scream that only a machine of this make could do.

            Then he laughed. It was a laugh that came from the dark side of his heart and from that locked chest in his brain. He hadn’t laughed like that for so long.

            The teens screamed as one, their voices bouncing off each other in a cacophony of discordant notes as they scrambled away, keeping as far away from the chainsaw-crazed duck as possible. And as their screams faded away, they turned into hysterical laughter from those who had been scared, but in a fun, safe way.

            And even though the terror he had evoked from the teens was just as real as the jungle habitats for tigers at the zoo were, it gave Negaduck a satisfying feeling, the same feeling one would get when partaking of their favorite food or scratching an itch that had evaded them for a long time. And as he rode that feeling, he could hear the next group of thrill-seekers coming his way.

            At the end of the night, Negaduck had scared hundreds of citizens of Duckburg and visiting tourists, and felt as content as a predator with a full belly. He hardly needed convincing to give Jim back control.

            Taking off the hockey mask and shutting down the chainsaw, Jim found his old friend and the owner of the haunted house attraction. His friend was a retired television director and writer, and when he contacted Jim about opening a Halloween attraction, he was more than willing to help. Although a majority of the actors there were local kids and college students, they had put on a grand display thanks to Jim’s tutelage and his friend’s vision.

            “I heard you really outdid yourself tonight,” his friend said as he shook Jim’s hand. “I have never heard so many screams as those kids raced out the back door.”

            “I told you, the more authentic, the scarier,” Jim said, patting his chainsaw.

            Unlike other haunted houses, the actors used chainsaw props that simulated the sounds decently, but it was never the same. Which was why Jim borrowed his gardener’s chainsaw for this role. Oh, the chain was taken off of it, making it perfectly safe. The props didn’t have that distinctive smell of gas and oil and of woodchips burning from the friction of the saw. The props didn’t have the heft of a real tool, which added a sort of stance in the actor. And of course, a plastic prop couldn’t give off that aura of danger that the real McCoy had, the pure vibration of that powerful motor as it roared to life.

            Authenticity was key. That’s what he taught his budding actors. If they weren’t scaring people with all the senses, were they really that scary?

            “People have been raving about my house of horrors all over on the Internet,” Jim’s friend said. “I can’t thank you enough for your help.”

            “It was nothing. Happy to help,” Jim said, thinking that he didn’t really do anything. It was Negaduck doing all the work.

            “You talked a lot of authenticity, but a lot of what you do is just acting,” his friend chuckled. “But I could have sworn we had a genuine psychopath in your role. You were like another person.”

            Jim smiled and nodded, taking the compliment for what it was. Authenticity is key.

            “I hope to have you back next year. I was thinking of doing a zombies theme.”

            “Sounds good. I wouldn’t miss it,” Jim said, shaking his friend’s hand one more time.

            And inside his head, Negaduck—sleepy and content—echoed his words. Yes, until next Halloween.

[kuwdora]

fic writer questions: 7, 10

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

oh gosh, I have SO MANY worldbuilding things proud of. Let me try to pick out a few favorites from things I've actually posted this year...

Leshen Eskel in my season 2 AU: The Warden Along the Path

Eskel's body mutated enough to become so tree-like and when he drank large quantities of witcher alcohol, he got violently ill and some of his branches fell off. Because you can't really feed a tree booze, that's not the nutrients he needs! (His body chemistry will eventually adapt but it was really startling, okay!) I did so much thinking about fantasy botany that could reasonably vibe with the witcher setting. This is just the beginning. 🌳

Eskel can now see and feel magic in a new way, including things and memories from other worlds because the Leshy Queen's connection to the monolith got passed down to Eskel in his mutation.

post-canon Redania - stories we tell, memories we share, and the words we hold dear aka the story where Geralt is naked and writes poetry for Jaskier. The story includes way too much history and a lot of silly puns but I have a worldbuilding nugget that I really love:

I made a reference to an event called the Three Day Incursion where Nilfgaardian forces crossed the Redanian border (for--you guessed it--three days). Dijkstra is such a strategic thinker and looks for every opportunity to help preserve his country and his power for the long term. Even if that involves a little pain in the process. Dijkstra encouraged or incited Nilfgaard enough to cross the Redanian border so he could use the anxiety and fear of the people to his benefit. That way he could step in and be the strong, steady hand for Redania and fight back with a plan. It helped inspire confidence in the new leadership and solidified Dijkstra's power.

10. How do you decide what to write?

oh my god. A better question is "how do you decide what stories to finish?" like many writers I suffer from Too Many WIPs and not enough focus. Also I'm having a lot of anxiety problems this year so it's doubly hard to see things through. I am a theme-driven writer and I tend to gravitate towards ideas and characters where I can really chew on for awhile. The stories I start are things that I will write out 10 million thoughts and unnecessary details and spend 16 years trying to whittle things down into coherency. It helps when I have someone to help prune my ideas (even though I still struggle with keeping things digestible).

Because my writing is dense and introspective in a lot of ways, this means I gravitate towards writing character studies and relationship pieces in lieu of action plotty things and tropey one-shots. I'm trying to flex my writing muscles in the plotty and tropey ways but oh, those muscles have atrophied over the years!

Even as I type this out this all feels like a non-answer, ahaha. God, a lot of things I decide to write I because an idea makes me laugh or it makes me cry and ache, or because I'm really interested in ways I can subvert canon and fanon characterizations and tropes and still satisfy myself in some fun way or interesting way.

But yeah... it's really hard deciding where to put my energy because I am so excited about so many ideas and my current WIPs... I just love all the witcher characters so much. Also puns. I love including too many puns and wordplay. So anytime I get an idea where I can be silly about it... I'mma write it. Will I finish it? Publish it? That's... remains to be seen.

I really need to get better about sharing snippets and making sure some of it exists outside my head and google doc and not just hide in my friends' discord DMs.

Fanfic writer meme

[mcytconfession]

Woo… Light vent here with lots of words, but a soft tone I hope. Had to get thoughts out so I can sleep so bear with me.

Just came across a well-reblogged post full of people dogpiling on a server's canon story event that played a large role in the series plot, with users talking about how they hate any fandom content that interprets this event as something the character "did on purpose," or with any sign of them not being morally pure.

Their stated view was that character only engaged in X behavior to protect another character, with users shouting thanks to OP for saying they hate other views and that they agree this is the only clear way to interpret the event. Zhuh?! The comments were full of agreement that art and fics that treat X story event legitimately (as in, presenting that character showing no remorse, which they canonically didn't according to my personal watch) are annoying, gross, shouldn't be in the fandom, etc.

I genuinely wish I could ask someone who dislikes the story event (and is safe to talk to) for more info on their view that this character was only cruel during this event to protect someone... I do think it would be really cool to hear a polite perspective about their interpretation, which so greatly differs from my interpretation of X that I struggle to wrap my head around it, but… after seeing many reblogs and hate, I think I'll keep my head down. The event happened in canon, but even if it had been a fanmade concept that got popular, it'd be pretty hurtful to see so much bashing circulating.

They have the right to that opinion, but I wish it was kept in a community or a discord server of like-minded people rather than circulating, just because there were some pretty harsh things said.

I'd love to reach out more and make friends in this community, but I'm still new here and already feel very once bitten and twice shy. I've had a few harsh messages in my inbox from people saying they hate my interpretations and dread the fandom content I create (even when it's properly tagged and kept out of main tags in some cases), and... it just comes full circle I guess.

Even though my art may not be palpable to some folks, I'm okay with that. Sometimes fandom's just like that when you go against the grain. Still, it's certainly Something tm to see so much hate for a canon event (and bashing towards artists, analysists, and writers who take that event at face value) when it's one of my favorite plot points due to how much character depth and complexity it adds.

Every fandom has its fights and ship wars and hated tropes, sadly. There are story events that are not to some people's tastes and that's okay. I just wish the idea of squicks would resurface rather than so many things being seen as morally reprehensible, as I think it really stifles the ability to connect with people and experience the beauty and variety you get through having many points of view.

I guess at its core, it hurts because my dream is to listen to someone gush to me about something they're passionate about even if I don't personally know much or really like that thing, and it makes me sad that I saw such a surge of people thanking OP for their post and how they also agree that X interpretations are unwanted in the fandom in general. It's one of those things that make you wonder how many of the friends you do have would dump you if they find out you like X (which was not dead dove in my mind, but a plot point that depicted a character making cruel choices). I suppose that's how you weed out fake friends, but it's a doozy.

I'll do my part to make my corner of the fandom fun for me, even if I make unpopular content, as it holds value to me even if many others dislike it. To close, I'd just like to say I hope others will think about the words they're using, what group of people they hurt by their word choice, the fact that content is generally shared for free and you can turn away and filter if it's not for you, and I hope we'll have a warmer community someday <3

Apologies for the long post, and thanks. Seeing so much venom towards the imperfect characters I'm passionate about really caught me off guard and I needed to put it into words so I can sleep.

Wishing you and anyone who creates content that goes against the grain well, and I hope art lovers and fic lovers and analysis lovers who would love your content will someday find you!

.

[peculiarreality]

So I feel like I should say something about the lack of actual content being posted on my blog lately.

See, I've been working on a lot of things. Fics, AUs (seeing that commercial with Taymour as a spy Did Things to me), even minor ideas for art. Sadly, most of these things barely last because I run out of steam. I've recently had the fortune to get into a Sea of Thieves art related group, though, and I've noticed that because of it, I'm starting to actually complete art project things related to pirates, and I think I know what I'm missing in most of my other works, the ones that have never seen the light of day.

Interaction and a sense of community.

Now, not necessarily likes or reblogs (though those help, especially reblogs with comments or tags! But as someone who tends to not reblog myself, for various reasons, I get why they might not, and people uncomfortable with reblogging are absolutely valid.) But a sense of... IDK, community, I guess? The Left 4 Dead community is shrinking, it seems, and Versus is full, last I heard, of toxic people who kick people for the crime of being new to the game mode or for dying in ways that are just plain unlucky. The Nellis subsection of the fandom is even smaller, and I'm sure it's decided, in new fans anyway, to make a home on TikTok like so many other fandoms. But there's no sense, to me, that we're an actual community. And IDK about anyone else, but this dumbass bi has discovered that maybe they're an introvert, but they like feeling like there's a community in their fandoms.

It sucks and it's demotivating to realize that I can make art for other fandoms no problem (hell, even Monkey Island, a game only a couple years younger than yours truly, has a fairly active, if small, community on both Reddit and Discord), but for one of my original fandoms, which is near and dear to my heart, I lose motivation because I know I'm not going to end up having conversations about my work most of the time. I'm not going to end up talking to someone who wants to know how I did something in SFM, or who did something I want to learn in SFM. I'm going to get a few likes, maybe a reblog with some tags... And while I appreciate it, while it sparks joy to see notes at all in this fandom, it's demotivating. Couple that with my recent return to Fallout 4 obsession (Jake from Sim Settlements, my beloved 🥺) and my new job, and I just don't feel like I've got time to make anything for the fandom anymore, because it feels like there's no one to share it with.

And I'd like to stress something.

While I like getting notes, this has nothing to do with funny, somewhat meaningless, digital numbers.

It has everything to do with the fact the Nellis community feels like it's dying out.

And it sucks. Because Nellis was one of my first fandoms. Because I've made friends in our fandom, but it still feels like we're scattered haphazardly.

It feels lonely.

And even though I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert, I don't like being lonely.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Wed 2 June ‘21

Louis sent a message to a fan looking for a hello after a major surgery-- “Get well soon mate. Sending you loads of love x”- and added that he hopes ALL of us are doing alright; I never doubted it Louis! Niall got a little more specific with his really lovely message today- “HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. It’s your life, LOVE who you want to LOVE,” he tweeted! THANKS GUYS.

Liam though, Liam was all over today! He checked in on his way to play golf, on his way back from playing golf (with videographer Conor!), posted comments on discord, joined a new chat platform (Telegram; 5 minutes into Telegram and chill Liam was like OKAY it looks like we may need some moderators for this app lol YOU THINK?), he did a whole 25 min live, AND checked in even later to say he’d just had a shower and was about to play a new video game! New news of the day-- he is going to host a Veeps show showcasing new artists in July!! NEAT! His post about how his team forgot to turn off notifications on the phone they set it all up on for him on is really funny, YIKES; “this used to be an iphone now it’s just a bell” he joked, with video of the phone frantically chiming nonstop (“the power of you guys still blows my mind to this day”.) Also he said that he was very busy getting ready for June 15. Why, you ask, what is on June 15? UH? IDK?? He has so many things coming up? But that’s the NFT I think, which I KNOW a lot of people are mostly not that excited about but I will say that while I don’t care about the technology, I am excited to see Liam’s artwork he’s working on for it (which hopefully the purchaser will share with us), and Liam is truly so excited about the platform, he’s really trying to talk us into it. More on that in a sec...

But let’s get to the other parts of Liam’s live first. He has that new song coming, about which he said “it’s one that I’ve written the most on so far actually, as a single, I’m excited to say my own stuff for once a little”, love that. He’s still coughing but says he’s tested repeatedly and it isn’t COVID, and that he’s gone vegetarian recently, and he says the chat channels were inspired by seeing people using the veeps chat rooms even after the show ended, not wanting to leave. And he talks about 1D- about the notifs mishap he said “back in the band we used to wait for people we didn’t like to leave their notifications on and then we would like- oh make sure you follow this person on twitter! And then their phone would break for days- if someone did something that annoyed you.” HAHAHA where’s my masterpost of people who annoyed them 1D told us to follow, PLEASE? And also “it’s hard sometimes you’re watching people stories from afar that you used to know so well and that can be difficult… we’ve all felt this at different times me and the boys… it’s almost like missing a very dear friend a lot of the time but everyone’s so busy… I’d love to get us all in a room somewhere sometime” aww. But also he said he talked to Harry recently, “really a lovely call, he has a sixth sense for if I'm struggling or if one of us is in trouble, I spoke to him and it was a really lovely catch up. I have a lot of love for the man, he's really, really great"; well I wish Liam wasn’t stuggling but that’s lovely. And Louis too! "I spoke to Louis, I wanna say yesterday. We speak a lot, there's just a lot of laughing about random crap," he said, plus some Louis memories- “I can just hear his laugh in the back of my mind. We once broke into one of the stadiums in America and got chased by a woman… on one of those cop type things, a mall cop thing, and that was quite crazy. He also left me on my own while I was being arrested nearly by a French policemen that I had to push over… which that still scares me to this day. [laughing] That’s what friends are for! I helped him over the fence to get in somewhere, he left me with the policeman, who didn’t have a clue who I was and tried to arrest me even though I was just trying to go into my hotel.” UMM sorry I can’t hear anything past LIAM PUSHED OVER A COP?? Go ahead, make a list of ‘1D members most likely to fight a cop’ and if Liam isn’t DEAD LAST you’re just wrong and yet HERE WE ARE!! WHAT A DAY.

But alas rather than fighting cops now Liam is partnering with an entrepreneur (which I have had to type so many times in the last two days thanks to Liam that I guess I know how to spell it now they just keep SAYING it SO MUCH). Steve Bartlett said “the secret” is out, he recorded a podcast with Liam yesterday-- I’d call secret a bit strong, we had actually got that mate, but okay; he called Liam an entrepreneur and said “yesterday I recorded one of the most powerful, honest, REAL conversations on my podcast to date” and “if you love Liam you’ll love this.” I can absolutely guarantee you that is not true, I love Liam and already hate everything about this collab, but his wording does make me think we’ll get a bit of Liam’s trademark emotional spillage which I suppose I might appreciate despite this self help CEO guy being there too. Liam does have one thing to say that could sway me in this guy’s favor though- “he has the cutest dog ever” apparently! Anyway I may as well get used to him he’s suddenly everywhere-- Liam also patched him into his live to try yet again to convince us that NFTs are good by awkwardly relating it to “fans of boybands” by saying you know this could eliminate like fake tickets and such… Sure Steve sure but anyway he also says of Liam, “the guy you see on camera is the exact same guy off camera”.

Harry and Olivia were seen together in London (well, a grainy ass video of their backs was seen anyway), walking, with some people who look to be her parents and Harry’s PA (so romantic! Not at all work related!) I was initially skeptical of the claim that it was her parents since this fandom is obsessed with saying everyone is so and so’s parents (we’ll NEVER top the time the fandom was sure Harry was seen having lunch with Eleanor’s father though) but it actually seems like maybe it was. More for Harry to add to his collection, that man truly loves an extended family! I mean the whole thing is sketchy as hell, from the assurance that that’s DEFINITELY actually Olivia in the grainy video, FOR SURE, to the confirmation that that’s her mom with them which came when a blank insta page produced a random old picture of her mom in the same skirt, but like is it them, sure I imagine so, and people making sure we get the story anytime they’re together isn’t exactly new. In other news, Dave Meyers, director of the Adore You music video, says he originally pitched the Eroda story idea (“I have this idea, of you love- liking a fish”) to Katy Perry and the Black Eyed Peas, ASJKJASKL CAN YOU IMAGINE?

[maraudererasmut]

Life Update and All That

Hey all!

It’s T here!

I know it’s been a very long while since I’ve been around, and I figured I’m finally at the point where I can pop by and give a bit of an update, in case anyone was curious.

I left Tumblr and Discord for a bit to get my bearings and re-evaluate things. I needed some time to myself to sort through my mental health, figure some stuff out, and get to the point where I was finally at a better place to be able to come back.

A few things have happened since I’ve left that are actually kind of neat!

I published a book and wrote another manuscript!

I’m not going to share too much information about my book here, because I still do want to keep my smut-writing-pseudonym separate from my professional life, but suffice it to say that I published a novella, which got me started on the strange journey that is publishing! 

I’m currently in the process of querying my first full-length manuscript, with the intention of getting an agent and publishing it. Hopefully that will be able to go somewhere, but if not, at least I have learned a lot while on my journey!

I realized that I am trans!

To the shock and surprise of absolutely nobody, the person who wrote gay romance and focused on a storyline that predominantly featured a transmasc character is actually, in fact, gay and trans. Shocking, I know!

It took a bit of thinking and talking and self analyzing that mostly occured during the many, many hours of alone time provided by a global pandemic for me to realize that wanting to be a boy does, in fact, make you probably a boy. Who would have guessed.

Anyway, I’m going by he/they pronouns these days. And uh... I guess my descriptions of dysphoria in all of my fics were a bit closer to home than I was ever willing to admit. Funny how these things work.

I bought a house!

I finally did something that I never thought would be possible in my entire life: I actually purchased a house in my city, which is notoriously expensive. It’s the perfect home for me: a large backyard; my very own shop space, which will soon be filled with tools; a sunroom with tons of windows for writing; a roof that I can climb up to and sit on... It’s really such a great home, and I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life here.

One door closed and another opened!

When I first left, there was a job opportunity that was a bit up in the air that would’ve involved me uprooting my life. While it didn’t end up panning out, I was ended up stumbling upon a different job in my field. I almost forgot how much I love what I do, and I am so glad to be back into the thick of it!

I figured that I should probably also try to pre-emptively answer any questions that you may have while I’m here and typing this all out. So... here goes!

Will you be continuing *insert fanfiction*?

I’m honestly not sure. The best answer that I can give right now is: Maybe?

I definitely want to try to continue some of my storylines, tie up some loose ends, and actually put together those plots that I had swirling around my mind.

That being said, I also have other projects that are currently on the go that might take precidence. Most importantly, I have several original stories that I plan to eventually query (or even publish, if I can!). 

If I find that I am inspired to go back and write more Wolfstar, rest assured, I absolutely WILL. These boys will always hold a special place in my heart, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever be truly rid of them, even if I tried.

Will you still be making art for the fandom?

Again, I’m not sure. 

I’ve been doing a LOT of fanart, on a different account, just to keep up my skills while I was away. There are quite a few fandoms that I have been making art for, and I don’t know yet if I want to merge these two accounts.

That’s a decision for the future. :P 

But you can always try to pop into my ask box and send a request, and if I can get to it, I will try my absolute best.

You and I have unfinished business!! Will you be getting to that?!

Ah, yes. I remember now. I left the fandom while I was in a very BAD place, and most things fell by the wayside while I worked on my mental health. I’m sorry.

If we do have any kind of unfinished business at all that you need to talk to me about, please do! I want to try to resolve things and make sure that everyone is satisfied with whatever solution we can come to. Feel free to reach out, and I will try my absolute best to respond and rectify.

Rest assured, if we have had any kind of negative interraction in the past, I have absolutely spent the past year and a half allowing that to eat away at me. I’ve been feeling guilt up the wazoo, a ball of anxiety so tight, you could probably play baseball with it. 

I’m trying not to let these kinds of things bother me anymore. I’m trying to learn to let things go, and focus on the present and the future. I am truly sorry for things that I have done in the past, but I am finally at the point where I am ready to put my effort into making things better instead of dwelling on what was.

Will you be active on this blog now? Are you back for good?

I think you already know the answer to that question...

I don’t know. 

I haven’t made any decisions yet about whether or not I’m here to lurk and like and reblog or if I’m going to be actually producing content again. I have no idea yet how active I will be here. That really depends on how I’m feeling, how I’m doing mentally, and what the reception to this post looks like. 

So... Maybe?

DID YOU MISS ME WHEN YOU WERE GONE?

Yes. Yes, I did.

If you are actually asking me this question, chances are that I did miss you. Yes, you specifically. Yes, I thought about you a lot. Yes, I wished that I had the courage to go back and just say “HI, I MISSED YOU, PLEASE CAN WE BE FRIENDS AGAIN!” 

I am not great at reaching out, though. I’m not great at handling my emotions period. Hopefully, if you’re wondering if I missed you, you’d be interested in reconnecting, knowing that I did, in fact, miss you a lot. 

Are you okay now?

I will be.

Even when I’m not okay these days, I at least have the wherewithall to be able to say “while I might not be doing great right now, I know that I will be okay.” 

And isn’t that what we all want? :P

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope this was interesting and/or informative. 

And... I’m glad that I wrote this. It helped. 

With love,

T

[evakuality]

Matteo - Episode one

Okay bear with me.  I know I’ve talked about this season a LOT over the last couple of years but I’m not going to do a rewatch (or first watch in some cases) of the Druck seasons and not include this one.  And knowing me, I will be very verbose about this one because I do just love it so much.  Even though I already talked about it at length.

So, to mix things up, I decided to watch this one in real time mode.  Which has been both lovely (revisiting what it was like to follow along with everything back then) and really frustrating (revisiting what it was like to wait for clips back then).  But it’s been a good exercise, particularly with this episode because I didn’t get truly involved in the show til a couple of weeks later so there’s a lot I missed in terms of social media etc the first time around.  So let’s start there.

Social media: It was nice to get the stuff leading in to this season which I hadn’t seen before.  The decisions around moving into the new place and getting Matteo involved etc were all super cute.  I liked the stuff with Sam after her party and how they kept that story - at the time it must really have felt like an immersive thing moving from Mia’s story to Matteo’s.  The stuff around the flatwarming party is interesting too.  Matteo and Sara’s posts make it seem like they’re at two different parties.  Matteo’s has barely and hint of Sara at all whereas hers makes it seem like they were joined at the hip all evening and super happy together.  And then even through the week her things were much more focused on Matteo (and on Leonie’s crush on David) whereas again, with his Sara only comes up if he’s asked about her.  I know it’s very clear in the clips as well, but honestly, the texts and instagram posts etc really make it clear how much she had built this up in her head vs how indifferent he is to it.  One really interesting one is where she asks Leonie not to spread it around that she and Matteo are together.  It suggests that she already knows this isn’t what she wants it to be, but either through desperation or naivety or by lying to herself, Sara doesn’t allow herself to see it.  It’s very sad for her and I do feel for her a lot more than I ever did for Emma.

Clip one: I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again now.  I really really love this clip.  It’s a perfect introduction both to Matteo’s PoV and to all the themes of the season.  Matteo is surrounded by people through the whole thing, and on the surface and from the outside it probably looks like he’s slotted in and having a great time - he talks, he dances, he appears to be having a good time and his social media is curated to make it appear that way too.  But it’s clear since we’re in his PoV that he’s actually isolated and on the outskirts of what’s going on.  That’s done both in the music and sound (the way he fades in on the discordant, out of place note will always always get me as well as the way that the chatter and ‘reality’ of the party only comes into focus when Sara makes him kiss her) and in the conversations that are held.  The way the boys really do just focus on sex sets us up for Matteo’s explosion later where he accuses them of only talking about sex - which is sadly fairly true in these earlier episodes.  And Matteo tries to join in but all he manage is ‘that looks exhausting’ and ‘you bet’ when asked about him and Sara.  The fact that his contribution is about how exhausting sex (and by extension relationships) must be is really telling of his mind set.  Everything is too exhausting for him and he’s not ready to put in much effort at all.  The isolation goes deep with this boy and it’s all already so well shown in this first clip.  I like that we got hints of that through Mia’s season as well (and the seeds were planted in Hanna’s - what with his tagging along to the cabin and his stuff with his family etc etc), and so while this is a much more closed off and sad Matteo than we’ve seen before it’s not come out of the blue.  The fact that he’s still curating his social media to look like he’s happy and connected also reminds us that what we saw before isn’t necessarily what the truth was.

Clip two: I like how Matteo, unlike Isak, is clearly already very well aware of his feelings and his attraction to boys.  His pining over Jonas is both obvious and very sad.  He’s well aware that he can’t let anyone know, and the reminder with the number on Jonas’s arm is gut wrenching for him and for us to watch.  And then scattered through the whole episode is a lot of reminders that Jonas is a ‘player’ now - it’s shown by Jonas himself, by the boys teasing him, by Hanna’s sad little ‘I’m happy for him’ message etc etc.  And all of it serves to remind Matteo that he can never have what he’s wanted for so long.  So it’s no wonder that he removes himself from the situation to go get rolls or whatever it was that he bought.  The ‘I’m waiting for you’ banter would absolutely be the last straw.  Jonas can joke that he wants a guy, but Matteo knows that he’s not going to ever be able to have it be true for real.  As an aside, I can see why a lot of people thought Jonas might be GerEven at the time because a) Matteo’s thing has always been a lot more obvious and b) Jonas seems much more open and willing to consider the ideas.

Clip three: Well, I don’t have a lot to say about this one.  Except that !!!!! this first ‘meeting’ with David is so good and so well done and it works to rock both of them out of their little ruts and makes them both ‘wake up’ in a way.  It’s nothing, just a chance meeting in a hallway, two boys passing then looking back at each other.  But we can see just how much that one glance affected Matteo as he walks off and while we don’t see it in David as yet, he also makes reference to how knocked off course he felt when he met Matteo.  I have always liked that they’re in the same year and so on a real equal footing from the start and this is all part of that.  This moment affects both of them equally, knocking them out of their complacency, and it’s such a perfectly framed and filmed and edited moment.

Clip four: One thing I hadn’t noticed til this time around is that the girl who ends up sitting next to Jonas was at the back of the classroom, already sitting at a desk, earlier.  She obviously saw her moment and scrambled to take it - the second Matteo was out of his seat, she was in it.  Perhaps news of Jonas’s new ‘player’ status is getting out and she wants some of that action.  I really like that Matteo and Amira already clearly have a much more friendly history than Isak and Sana.  They’re both forced to work together by circumstances and a teacher, but here there’s already more of a history.  Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but Sana came to Isak but here Matteo goes to Amira.  That’s because of course Matteo more obviously stashed the weed on Amira and so he immediately knows who has it and where he has to go to get it back.  But it again makes him more proactive than Isak was at this early stage.  Amira is rightfully pissed at him - Sana was defending a friend from Isak’s shitty behaviour, Amira was herself affected and so she is much more firmly involved and has more reason to be cold.  Which works because in general Amira is softer and less aggressive and cold than Sana is so it fits for her to be directly angry for herself.

Clip five: ugh, so uncomfortable!!!  Sara is trying really hard to actually communicate with Matteo, and kudos to her for actually using her words, but it’s so painfully obvious how awkward and artificial this conversation is.  It’s not really a surprise that she doesn’t feel like this is totally settled as yet and asks Leonie to keep it to herself.  On the one hand, he agreed that they’re together (after making her make the decision) but on the other hand, he broke away from kissing etc so they could watch something together.  His words may be saying what Sara wants to hear, but his body language etc is saying something entirely different.  She deserves a whole lot better than Matteo and the way he’s using her, but I guess this is how it can be - he’s cute, he’s not totally rejecting her and so she lets herself believe.  

Clip six: well, again.  This clip does such a good job of properly introducing David with several hints to what’s going on with him but no actual answers.  It’s another example of two people talking at cross purposes, but where Sara lets it drop and the conversation dies out once she hears what she wants to hear, here David picks it up again once Matteo backs off.  Again, they are a good pair - equally invested and equally willing to set and respect boundaries and try to make connections in a safe way.  Imagine how this must look to David - this boy who did shake his world up a bit in their one small moment together (as another aside - ugh the wait between that first sight and this one is so long in real time!!!), is intriguing and interesting and asks him to go smoke with him.  Which is all very cool and David wants these connections and to make friends and this boy clearly appealed to him in some way at that first meeting.  But also, this boy is asking all kinds of invasive question which threaten the things David is trying to keep private, for example the pressing of ‘you’re new’ and how ‘weird’ it is to change schools at this point.  It’s no wonder David goes cold and distant and does his best to stay aloof.  But then of course Matteo respects that boundary and pulls back and so then David is able to make connections in a safer way, talking of things that matter to him but which aren’t quite so confronting for a first chat.  Detroit, running away etc and Matteo shows that he gets it and understands those impulses.  And so by the end they’ve fairly quickly established a connection and a rapport and so Sara’s intrusion is unwelcome to both of them.  Given that David literally runs away when she appears, I wonder how much he knows of her from their shared class.  She certainly doesn’t seem to know much except that he’s the guy Leonie likes.  Speaking of which, Matteo’s ‘I think that’s someone else’ is so bizarre in this situation.  He’s talking to a ‘new’ kid at school and Sara made it clear that Leonie likes the new kid, so he shouldn’t be surprised.  But it’s obvious he already wants David for his own and acknowledging that Leonie may also like him is too much, I guess.  After Jonas and his string of people hanging off him, I doubt Matteo wants to be caught up in something similar with David.  We’ve already seen how painful a crush on an uninterested guy is for Matteo and how much of himself he has to hide away - no wonder he wants David to be ‘someone else’ and actually be someone he can think about in that way after they started to make a connection.

[tennessoui]

40 or 43 if you’re still taking prompts! i love ur AUs they’re so beautiful and contain so much brilliance within a short snippet!

it's been so long, anon, you probably forgot you sent this but here is prompt 40, exes meeting after not seeing each other for a long time. in true tennessoui fashion, they don't. actually. meet and/or see each other in this snippet. also in true tennessoui fashion, all tennessoui needs to decide to continue this is one (1) validation.

the backstory here is something i have been thinking about for days after a discord convo, where during the fight on mustafar, obi-wan hits anakin hard enough in the head that he loses all of his memories. obi-wan takes him with him for a few months but the wounds of Order 66 and vaderkin's role in what happened is too fresh for obi-wan to (understandably) get over, even if this anakin doesn't remember doing it, so they separate. this is set 8 years after Mustafar.

(1.7k)

“Kenobi won’t come,” the fighter pilot says immediately upon disembarking from his craft.

One commander lets out a groan. Someone else hits the durasteel side of the closest x-wing with a closed fist.

“Do we really need him?” Anakin demands, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s been eight years since the rise of the Empire. Surely a washed-up Jedi General from the Clone Wars won’t have people jumping to join the Rebellion!”

No one meets his eye. In fact, the air room suddenly feels very, very uncomfortable.

Organa exhales heavily and turns to look at Anakin, which is rare because the man never voluntarily looks at Anakin. “There are few names from that time that still carry an untainted weight in the eyes of the galaxy. Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of them.”

“I grew up hearing about The Team!” A teenager says eagerly. “I’d join any resistance movement if I knew both of ‘em were fighting with me!”

“You’re already a part of a resistance movement,” a girl next to him pointed out waspishly.

The boy waves her off. “Skywalker and Kenobi, saving the galaxy! It’d be wizard to be a part of that, and you know it, Aasha!”

Anakin’s throat tightens at that name. Skywalker. His name. Or, his old name. He has no more connection to it now than he does to the name Kenobi or Organa. They’re just letters.

He catches Organa’s eye. The man is looking at him with a mix of curiosity and wariness. Anakin knows instinctively that this is another one of the man’s tests. Will this time be the time that whatever injury has kept his memories suppressed for eight years is undone, and his previous life comes thundering through his mind?

He’s sick of these tests. He’s never failed one, but Organa never comes closer to trusting him afterward. He can only assume that whatever Anakin Skywalker had done in his last few days alive had been so terrible that only a few people knew the truth, and those who did would never forgive any version of him for it.

Organa certainly knew, though he had never shared that information with Anakin. And.

And Kenobi did as well. That was clear. They’d only been together for five standard months, sharing a small spacecraft made smaller by the fear, agony, grief, fury, and hurt radiating off of his companion into the space around them.

It had been hard to tell at the time if one of the things Obi-Wan Kenobi had been grieving was the loss of Anakin Skywalker. Anakin isn’t sure Kenobi would have been able to answer that either.

Some part of him that usually rests dormant in the back of his mind stirs and hisses that it had to have been. That Skywalker’s loss had torn Kenobi’s soul to shreds.

This doesn’t necessarily feel like his own thought, but it’s quite hard to ignore. He wants to rub a hand against his aching head, but that surely would tip off Organa that something’s--what? That he’s having thoughts?

Perish the very idea.

One would think Anakin hadn’t joined the Rebellion of his own free will. That Anakin hadn’t spent three standard months on the planet Kenobi had left him on before catching wind of the existence of the Rebel Alliance, that he hadn’t risked life and limb (more limb, apparently, given his missing flesh hand) to find them afterwards. He hadn’t known much anything about himself, but he had known that he hadn’t liked what the Imperial troops were doing, how much destruction they were causing, how the people they were supposed to be protecting hid in fear of their white armor.

Something in Anakin had rebelled at that, had thought it wrong and twisted. Someone needs to stop them, he’d thought. So he had found the people that were trying to.

And yes, a small part of him had thought--perhaps hoped--that Obi-Wan Kenobi would be a part of the Rebel Alliance by the time Anakin made his way to their biggest base. He had thought--perhaps hoped--that he would be able to prove himself to the other man. Look, he had wanted to scream at Kenobi, I’m not like that other Anakin, I would never do what he did. You can trust me. You can look me in the eye, I won’t stab you in the back.

Because something in him had yearned, still yearns, for Kenobi’s approval. For the weight of his gaze settling warmly around his shoulders. For his small smiles, his calloused hand clasping the back of Anakin’s head to bring their foreheads together in a gentle tap hello.

These are things Anakin knows he’s never experienced. But he must have in his past life, because his whole body will ache for them like a phantom limb. It’s been seven years and a few months since he last saw Kenobi.

“I’ll go,” Anakin says, which is what he said the last time they were standing like this, huddled around a fighter pilot delivering the same message of failure.

Organa’s mouth tightens in displeasure, and Mothma places a hand on his arm in warning.

Everyone else falls silent around them, as if recognizing the fact that they’re in the middle of a brewing storm, and they’re lucky to be in its eye right now.

“I do not think--” Organa starts, but Anakin cuts him off, crossing his arms even tighter over his chest, as if to hold himself back. The force suppression collar around his neck grows warmer, but it holds. It always holds.

“You’re already sending men who look like me to him!” Anakin points out irately. “The last four men could have been related to me!” It’s something Anakin’s thought about in the past but never said out loud. He’s glad to say it now though, especially because Organa flushes a bit which means Anakin’s right. “Just send me! If it doesn’t work, nothing in the galaxy will!”

Now, Anakin isn’t sure that’s true at all. He’s taking a huge leap with this, but it’s been seven years and a few months since he saw Obi-Wan Kenobi in person, and every part of him is aching with the desire to lay eyes on the man again. Will he hate him still? Will he see all the differences Anakin’s made to his appearance? Will he like them? He fights the urge to run a hand over his shorn hair.

Will Obi-Wan even let him through the door?

The people around them are murmuring now. They don’t know what Organa knows, what Anakin has guessed at: that Skywalker died a traitor to the Republic, that he had tried to strike down Obi-Wan like the Emperor struck down the rest of the Jedi. To them, these fortunate outsiders, they’re wondering why Anakin Skywalker hasn’t already been sent to locate and bring back their errant General.

Before, Anakin’s offer had been quiet, easily ignored over someone else’s. Now he’s loud and confident. Impossible to turn away without making a public scene, without explaining why. And Organa has tried very hard not to do that. For whatever reason, Anakin doesn’t know. All he knows is that after he’d been examined by a battalion of med droids and interrogated by all three leaders of the Rebellion, Organa had given him a list of rules he had to follow in order to join the Rebel Alliance. Firstly, never remove his cuffs and collar.

It’s not a slave collar and it won’t electrocute you if you touch it or try to take it off, Organa had told him when he’d blanched away at the sight. But I have been informed by a trusted ally that the Chance--the Emperor knows your Force Signature intimately. We cannot risk being found. It would kill all hope for us.

Secondly, never confirm his identity. Never talk about who he used to be.

People will know, Organa had grudgingly admitted. Skywalker was one of the faces of the Clone Wars. But you cannot confirm it. In fact.

Thirdly, give up the name Skywalker. Pick another last name, if not first as well.

But Anakin had been attached to his first name for some reason he didn’t know how to begin to question, so even after he toyed with the idea of changing it completely, he couldn’t go through with it. Weeks later he had shown up in Organa’s makeshift office.

I had a mother, didn’t I? He had asked, causing Organa to stiffen immediately.

Do you remember? Organa had interrogated immediately, his standard greeting for Anakin. Anakin had gotten the feeling, especially in those early days, that Organa was waiting with baited breath for Anakin to remember so he could try him for war crimes or treason or whatever it was that Skywalker had done.

No, he had responded honestly. Just a feeling. If I am to take a new last name, I want her name.

A few days later, Anakin had stumbled into his bunk, tired from a day of hard training, to see a packet of documents on his pillow.

Anakin Shmison was written at the top of the first page.

The list of rules goes on and on.

But nowhere does it say that Anakin Shmison isn’t allowed to mention Obi-Wan Kenobi in public. He just never has, because even the sound of the man’s name makes him feel very nauseous, a combination of butterflies and adder snakes wrestling around inside his stomach.

Bail Organa is looking like he’s regretting that oversight right now, but Anakin has backed him quite solidly into a proverbial corner. Either finally tell everyone what happened between Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi in the last few hours of the Republic, or give Anakin Shmison leave to retrieve Kenobi.

“Fine,” Organa gets out, jaw locked and vein throbbing in his temple. Anakin has the distinct feeling he’se spent a lot of his life on the receiving end of that expression. “Have this X-Wing refueled, and leave tonight.”

“No sir,” Anakin says, enjoying the way one of the man’s eyebrows shoot up in angry incredulity.

“No?” Organa asks. “Would you like more beauty rest, perhaps, Shmison?”

“No sir, I don’t need it,” this time he doesn’t resist running a hand through his hair, messing with its part so his longer bangs fall to one side and balance out the mysterious scar that bisects his eyebrow. He grins. “But I will need a craft that sits two. For the return trip.”

[whenihaveyouromione]

When I Have You - Chapter 44

Read on Fanfiction.net or ao3.

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---

Chapter 44

"Hey, how was the honeymoon?"

Ron sat back in his chair, placing his quill on the desk. The workload of an Auror was triple that of what he'd ever had at Hogwarts, and he was only considered a junior Auror — given limited work.

Not to mention that these days, most of the work was kept in the office. Everything was quiet on the front of Dark wizards, and there wasn't much field work on offer. Plus, with Harry off enjoying a holiday, the other new Aurors had been dumped with his share of the office work for the three weeks he’d been gone.

But Harry was back now, albeit a little late, and looking ridiculously happy and relaxed.

Grinning, Harry collapsed into the seat next to Ron’s desk. “Fantastic,” he said. “We got back late last night, and I’ve… never been on a holiday before.”

“You haven’t?” Ron asked, surprised. Although, now that he thought about it, Harry hadn’t exactly been given many opportunities to go on a holiday. Unless he counted camping in a tent for months on end, trying to find parts of Lord Voldemort’s soul, which he suspected Harry didn’t.

“No. Imagine what a nice family holiday that would have been — tagging along with the Dursleys.”

“Huh,” Ron said. “Well, I’m glad you’re back. We missed you around here.” He picked up a pile of paperwork and dumped it on Harry’s desk. “Welcome back.”

Harry looked at the pile in front of him. Surprisingly, he didn’t look defeated at all. In fact, his smile grew.

“You can do mine, too, if it makes you that happy.” Ron smirked.

“Have any of you been out anywhere?” Harry asked, sifting through the pile of work.

“Twice,” Ron said. “Not for much, though. Death Eaters are too scared to do anything wrong, I think.”

“It’ll pick up,” Harry said. “Once we get more experience as well. For now, I guess it’s just desk work.”

“I don’t mind too much,” Ron said. “I mean… I get to see Hermione most days on her lunch break… if she’s not working through it, that is.” He frowned.

Harry snorted.

“She’ll be happy to see you and hear all about your honeymoon,” Ron said. “I’m sure you’ll be enough to drag her away from whatever it is she’s doing today.”

“There’s not much to tell really,” Harry said. “Not much you’d want to hear about, anyway.”

“Yeah… well, just tell the holiday parts,” Ron said, turning back to the work he’d been focusing on prior to Harry’s arrival. “Hermione and I finally picked a date for our wedding, and with any luck and if no one else jumps in, it’ll be March twenty-first. It’s a Thursday, so you better ask for that day off.”

“Why a Thursday?” Harry asked.

“Because that’s when we could get the place we wanted in the month we wanted.”

Harry smiled. “I’ll be sure to ask for that day off. I’m glad you’re finally starting to get things sorted. You really know how to take things slow, don’t you?”

“What’s the rush?” Ron said, not bothering to mention his own concerns about doing everything slowly with Hermione a few weeks back.

“None to either of you, apparently.” Harry laughed. “But that’s great. Something to look forward to… and if you have a meltdown right before, I’ll be there to assure you everything’s okay. Getting married, it’s really not as scary as it seems. Quite nice, actually. Easy.”

Ron grinned. “Thanks, mate.” He thought for a moment. “You know, I think marrying her will be pretty easy.”

“Yes, well, I thought that until the day approached,” Harry reminded him. “And you saw me. But it’s easy once you see her.”

Ron scribbled some more notes onto one of the pieces of parchment in front of him, smiling to himself. He had no doubt that on the day of their wedding, he’d feel incredibly nervous, but he didn’t think — or at least he hoped — he’d reach Harry’s level of nervousness.

“Oh, Harry, you’re back!”

Ron and Harry turned around. Hermione was standing in the Auror office doorway. She smiled as she hurried forward to embrace Harry.

“It’s so good to see you again. How was your honeymoon? Oh, I bet it was so romantic. Ginny told me about what you had planned for it on the day of your wedding. It sounds amazing.”

“Yeah, it was pretty nice,” Harry said. “I’ll tell you about it at lunch.”

“I look forward to it!” Hermione said cheerfully. She then looked at Ron, suddenly appearing slightly guilty. “If that’s alright. I know we were going to —”

“Nah, already invited Harry,” Ron said, smiling at her. “I figured if you knew Harry was coming, it would actually make you take a break. I don’t seem to have the same effect.”

“That’s not true,” Hermione said, sounding put-out. “I like it when our lunches align.”

“You brushed me off the last two days,” Ron reminded her.

“I didn’t — I just had a really busy week. I’ll be there today, I promise.”

“Yeah, because Harry’s here.”

“Well, if you’d prefer, I can just meet Harry?” Hermione asked, her tone taking on an air of annoyance. “And, I’m not sure if I want to tell you what I came here to say anymore, Ron.”

“What’s that?” Ron asked.

Hermione glared at him for a moment, as if his teasing insult a moment ago really had changed her mind about whatever it was she wanted to tell him. Eventually, she seemed to accept that he was only joking and said, “Make sure you’re free tonight.”

“Why?” Ron said. “And I’m always free.”

She smiled. “I… have something at home. An engagement present for you.”

Ron stared at her for a moment. Then, “Was I supposed to get you something?” He didn’t know that that was something he was supposed to do. They’d been engaged for months now, and she’d not mentioned this before. Weren’t other people supposed to get them presents?

“No, this is just something I wanted to do for you. Just promise me you’re free tonight?”

“I have no plans,” Ron said. “Except to see you, of course.”

She beamed. “Great. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Or at lunch?” Ron asked.

She nodded. “Lunch. Yes.”

“Love you,” Ron said as she hurried out of the office.

He shook his head, grinning and wondering what exactly it was that she had planned. Now that he thought about it, he’d found her a little bit frazzled at times over the past week. He’d just assumed she was stressed with work.

He wondered if it was this that had gotten her so worked up, and then he wondered just what her engagement present might be. A million ideas went through his head in that moment and most were probably impossible. But a few… well, a few he liked the idea of.

“Anyway,” Harry said, bringing Ron back from his thoughts. “We should probably get through all of this stuff and hope that one day we’ll actually get to leave this office and do something exciting.”

Ron smiled. “Welcome back to work, mate. It’s good to see you again.”

…

Harry and Ginny had had the best honeymoon. Harry had spent all of lunch telling Ron and Hermione all about the three weeks they’d spent working their way through Europe, visiting many sights and discovering parts of the wizarding world in other countries.

They’d stayed with Fleur’s parents in France and apparently met up with Viktor Krum in Bulgaria, and then explored the tiny wizarding villages that were spread throughout the continent.

It had been — as Harry described it — the best holiday he’d ever had. Or, as Ron had helpfully pointed out, the only holiday.

“It sounds so lovely,” Hermione had sighed, and Ron had told her they could do that too if that was what she wanted — so long as they skipped Bulgaria.

She’d just smiled and said that she’d have to think about it.

If he was being honest, though, Ron didn’t particularly like the idea of copying Harry and Ginny. It already felt that way because they’d become engaged only a short time after them. He wanted that to be where the similarities ended.

Harry was his best friend and Ginny was his sister, but Hermione was everything else and he wanted to do life their own way.

He'd also spent the day wondering what it was exactly that Hermione wanted to give him and why she was so keen to have him home that evening, acting as if he never came straight home after work. She'd reminded him three times during lunch and then another two times afterwards — one in person, one via a memo. Whatever it was, she was super excited about it, which made him excited, too.

Hermione never really did much in the sense of romance. That was Ron's department, but it didn't bother him. He liked doing the things he did for her and his reward was seeing how happy those things made her.

She was the one who was focused on her work, who liked to work into the early hours and then come to bed and cuddle up to him after a long day. He was the one who liked to find things to help relax her, make her smile, and in return, her happiness made him happy.

Ron was an Auror, and he enjoyed what he did, but he couldn't really see himself advancing any further than becoming a senior Auror. Not with Harry Potter working in the same field.

But Hermione was someone who could achieve anything and probably would eventually achieve all those things. And he was more than happy to sit back and watch her do that.

He'd always found her approach to everything amusing, but in an admirable way. Now he simply loved that about her.

He arrived home shortly after five, having used one of the Ministry fireplaces to do so. The living room was empty.

"Hermione?" he called. It would be typical for her to pester him about being home on time, only for her to have found something else to do at work.

But to his surprise, a reply came from upstairs. "In the study!"

The study?

He made his way — now feeling slightly apprehensive — up to the study. The door was closed, and when he pushed it open, he found Hermione on the floor, a lot of photos scattered around her, and her hair was a total ball of frizz, which meant that she was stressed about something.

He couldn't help but smile. "What are you doing?" He laughed.

She looked up, a guilty look on her face. "Oh, Ron, I tried."

"Tried what?" he asked. "To make a mess?"

"No, to do something… nice."

"What do you mean?" Ron asked, eyeing the photos scattered across the floor.

Hermione buried her face in her hands. She looked rather upset. “I was trying to be romantic.”

“Er… how?”

Hermione sniffed. “I was trying to make you something… by hand… but it didn’t really work out. Apparently I’m not crafty at all.”

For a moment, Ron didn’t have anything to say. He bent down and reached out to touch her shoulder gently. “It’s alright,” he said. “That’s okay.”

“Oh, Ron, how do you do it?” She got to her feet and turned to him. She wasn’t crying, but she looked as if she might start soon.

“Do what?” Ron asked, once again looking at the mess on the floor. There were bits of paper that appeared to have been scrunched up among the photos.

“You do such nice things for me all the time, I just wanted to return the favour for once. It didn’t work, though. I’m sorry.”

Ron couldn’t help but smile. In the few minutes he’d been in the study with her, her hair had become even frizzier. He drew her into a hug.

“I love you,” he said, laughing. “I love you so much. And I’ve never made you anything in my life. Unless you count dinner.”

“Maybe I should have cooked something,” Hermione sniffed into his shoulder.

“What was it you were making, anyway?” he asked.

Hermione pulled away, wiping her eyes. She bent back down on the floor and picked up a book. “A photo album,” she said. “It seems so stupid now. And it’s terrible. I don’t want you to look at it.”

But Ron took it from her hands. It reminded him a lot of the one Harry owned of his parents, and he wouldn’t have been surprised if that was where the idea had come from.

He flipped through the pages. She had stuck in a handful of photos — some from school, most from more recent times. Of them. Just the two of them. In all of them.

Hermione had apparently attempted to decorate each page, but he had to admit that she was much better at magic than she was at this.

He grinned. “I love it. I love you.”

She gave a small smile. “You can tell me the truth.”

“I did,” he said.

“I just thought it would be a good memory to have, you know, before we were married. Something to look back on. I should have just given you the stupid photos and been done with it.”

“You know, I was wondering what had you so worked up these past few days,” Ron said, attempting to brush some strands of hair away from her face with little success. “I thought it was work.”

“The whole romance thing works better when you do it,” Hermione said.

“I can guarantee that had I attempted to create a photo album myself… well… I never would have. We can suck together. Anyway, who needs to be able to do that when you have a wand?”

She smiled again, looking up at him. “So, you still want to marry someone who can’t even make some photos look nice on a page?” she asked.

“Somehow even more than I did five minutes ago,” Ron said. “And I didn’t even think that was possible.”

Hermione wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. Ron held her, the album still in his hands.

“You can throw that out,” she said.

“Never. I’m going to keep it. Forever. I’ll be looking at it when we’re both one hundred, remembering the times when I wasn’t old and grey with lots of wrinkles, and then feeling really grateful for the amazing fiance — hopefully wife — I was lucky enough to have in my life after all those years.”

She hugged him tighter.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you. Next time I’ll just take you out for dinner or something.”

“Nah, this is better,” Ron said. “I love it, and I mean that. You amuse me in a very good way. I love this side of you.”

“What? The super-stressed perfectionist side?” Hermione asked. “The side of me I’ve come to realise doesn’t like to fail?”

“Yeah, it’s my favourite part. Maybe the part that I loved about you first. The rest is just a bonus. As I said, you amuse me.”

“Well, how about to make up for my pathetic attempt at handmaking something, I make us dinner tonight? What do you feel like?”

“I’ll eat anything,” Ron said. “I’m really hungry.”

Hermione smiled. “Good, because it’s the end of our shopping week, and unless you’ve had time to get things, I don’t think we have much left.”

“We are very organised, aren’t we?” Ron teased. “How many times have we reached the end of our food supply? When we have kids, they’ll go hungry often.”

Before Hermione could say anything, he added, “You know, when you said you had something to show me tonight, I briefly wondered if you were going to tell me we were having a baby.”

Hermione pulled away from him, her smile slightly wider. “And you know that there’s a spell to prevent that from happening and I am very particular about ensuring it is consistently effective. Spells are something I can perform very accurately.”

Ron grinned at her. “Yeah, I know. But the thing is, the thought didn’t actually terrify me. As brief as that thought was,” he added hurriedly at the look on Hermione’s face.

“Do you want dinner, Ron, or do you want a baby?” Hermione asked, smiling at him.

“Tonight, just dinner,” Ron assured her.

Hermione raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else. She left the study with Ron trailing slightly behind her. As they went downstairs into the kitchen, Ron couldn’t help but wonder if him bringing up the topic of babies had frightened her or intrigued her. It was sometimes hard to tell.

He hadn’t even intended to say it. No one had said anything to him during the day. It had just been a thought that had occurred to him that maybe… even though he knew how pedantic Hermione was with all of that side of things. It would be virtually impossible for anything to happen by mistake with her. He definitely knew that.

And even though the thought hadn’t scared him, Hermione had been pretty dismissive of the topic, which was a massive hint. Maybe he’d bring it up again in a year’s time. Maybe then she’d be more willing to discuss the idea. Besides, they had a wedding to plan first.

[reds-burrow]

How can a very burned badger unburn? What if one doesn't even believe that's possible? Being unburned sounds like a dangerous and silly state to be in.

From your last sentence, I'm going to assume you're talking about a Badger primary, not a secondary, and that you're talking specifically about people-oriented Badgers, not tradition-oriented Badgers. I'm also guessing that you're talking about yourself, and that you burned because you think caring for all people is simply impossible and irrational.

And I get it. I understand exactly what you mean by "dangerous and silly" because I've nearly burned myself. The pandemic hurt me in a way I didn't anticipate. I would watch the news and be in tears. Everyone was suffering, and I felt powerless to help anyone. It took sending in this ask (back in my lurker days) and a lot of subsequent self-reflection before I realized I was no longer empathizing, but sympathizing. (To be perfectly clear here, I'm using the Merriam-Webster dictionary's definition of the two.) It's a common struggle for Badger primaries, walking the line between the two, and the quarantine had sent me spinning off course. I usually save my sympathy for my friends and loved ones, but suddenly not seeing them caused me to start sympathizing with random people on the news, the people with the most heart-wrenching stories. Once I realized what I was doing, my course correction was clear: stop watching the news, reach out to my friends more, and forgive myself for my limitations.

Now, I have no clue if any of my story resonates with you or not. But my point is this: Badgers are rooted in empathy, not sympathy. You don't need to try fitting everyone into your heart to be a healthy Badger primary. You don't have to bleed for everyone you meet. Being a healthy Badger doesn't have to be as dangerous or silly as you're thinking. It's not about sharing in everyone's pain; it's about seeing them as human and recognizing that gives them worth.

But maybe sympathy wasn't your struggle. Maybe what made you burn was not being able to help everyone you think you should. If that's the case, I ask that you turn your Badger instincts on yourself. You're human too, aren't you? That means you have limits, and that's okay. You forgive others for being only human, right? You deserve no different. Get rid of the notion that you could've done better. You did your best. And before you object to that, get rid of the idea that our best is a constant. Some days your best means you can do a lot, some days your best means you have nothing to give. That's okay. You have wisdom you lacked yesterday, but maybe you don't have the same energy you did then. That's okay. You did the best you were capable of in that moment.

The only thing that can keep us from our best, the only way you truly lose at this thing called life, is to stop moving forward. There is no going back in time; there is only getting stuck. Fear and guilt are common prisons of the past, and if you've fallen into one of them, well, that's about as human as you can get. Blame evolution. Back in the day, bad experiences meant life-or-death experiences, so our brains evolved to latch onto these memories in an attempt to keep us from repeating our mistakes. Unfortunately, that means it can be incredibly easy to fixate on the past and assume that the future will be just as disastrous. That means missing out on all the potential for change and good in the future. Fear and guilt are insidious. Even if you push it from your mind, they can grow until they consume you, driving your choices, deciding your life for you. That is what it is to be burned, and that will always be more dangerous than the alternative.

So, what can you do about it? I've given a few ways to re-frame your thinking, but I realize it's easy for me to write about how great being healthy is while it may feel like an elusive, impossible state of being to you. Know that you've already taken the first step by asking someone about it. Keep talking to people you trust. There is some really good advice scattered around the SHC community. If you think you're up for it, I recommend joining the SHC discord. It's full of incredibly supportive people, and if you don't feel ready to put yourself out there, you can just listen in on their conversations and see you're not alone in this struggle. You don't even need to search out other Burnt Badgers specifically either. It doesn't matter your sorting or whether it's your primary or your secondary, unburning is a process of learning to trust in yourself again. That may sound odd to Burnt Loyalist primaries if they've begun to think of other people as the problem, and yes, a majority of burnings are first triggered by other people. But unburning is all about you and learning to trust your instincts, your capability, your judgement, your decisions, yourself.

I'm not about to sit here and pretend I have the answers to such a personal process, but I'll give you two pieces of advice. First, set boundaries in your relationships. Right now, fear, guilt, or both are setting your boundaries for you. If you're not sure where to begin, I suggest self-reflection with the goal of determining your limits. Try keeping a journal or sitting with your thoughts, even for only a few minutes a day and ask yourself how much (time, physical effort, emotional energy, etc.) you are willing to give to others? How much, in reality, are you able to give? A Badger primary needs to know the difference and, ideally, how to balance the two. Once you have an idea of your limits, set your boundaries, and keep them. These can be emotional boundaries, like limiting your sympathy for a smaller group, or they can be boundaries on how much help you give to others, like setting a limit on how much time or money you'll give someone. The goal here is to learn to say no without guilt. You can readjust your boundaries as your situation changes, but what is important right now is that you feel safe in your relationships. You deserve that safety as much as anyone else, and setting boundaries is the best way to ensure that.

My second piece of advice: forgive yourself when you don't stick to those boundaries. Even though I didn't fully burn, I still find myself stumbling on the emotional boundaries I've set up for myself. I know in my head that it's a matter of trusting in my judgement, but reality isn't so simple. This is a long and arduous process, so when you mess up, do your best to not dwell. Treat yourself like a friend, and try to forgive. Keep moving forward. You've got this!