#Skyrim keeps infecting my brain

[thirsty-4-ghouls]

Me, going through MY OWN photography after playing Skyrim, sees a mountain: woagh. Just like Skyrim from my games

[tes-trash-blog]

Mycosis, Or A Slightly More Scientific Take On How The Falmer Came To Be

(Alt title: I’m Never Eating Mushrooms Again)

Yep. This is happening.

Preface: This essay/rant/overanalysis is focusing only on the theoretical physical and biological aspects Falmer devolution. Expect a shorter rant on the spiritual aspect on a later date, thanks to oyarsas.

Part 1. Just Who Were The Falmer Anyway? A Brief Primer

According to the one surviving Snow Elf in Skyrim, the ancient Falmer were a wealthy and advanced race of Elves that occupied a portion of Skyrim during the Merethic Era. A few shenanigans, some unspeakable war crimes, and a genocide later, the remnants of this race fled underground into the waiting arms of the Dwemer. They laid it down in simple terms:

“Many of your people had perished under the roaring, snow-throated kings of Mora, and your wills were broken, and we heard you, and sent our machines against your enemies, to thereby take you under. Only by the grace of the Dwemer did your culture survive, and only by the fifteen-and-one tones did your new lives begin.”

(Fun fact: If you translate the Stone using Ayleid words, it’s actually a lot more sinister!)

This wasn’t out of the goodness of their hearts, as the Dwarves were, in objective terms, dicks. While they didn’t want tearful songs of gratitude or boot-licking, they weren’t about to let a bunch of homeless and traumatized Elves, y’know, recover. No, they wanted something.

“We only request you partake of the symbol of our bond, the fruit of the stones around us. And as your vision clouds, as the darkness sets in, fear not.”

That something was their sight, and their obedience. Given what very little we know about Snow Elven culture, this looked to have been a bit of a big deal. After all, all the Prelates at Auri-El’s wayshrines implement light and sight in their blessings, much of the surviving iconography depicts the sun and its radiance, and what few surviving accounts remain mention the “dread of night” and “blessed sun”.

This wasn’t a decision made lightly, is what I’m getting at. The fact they agreed at all surely meant the Dwarves could do what they wished. Seeing some of the more elaborate torture chambers and traps, we can safely assume they did.

The Blinding happened in the Late Merethic Era, some hundreds of years before the Dragon War and the beginning of the First Era. Now comes the fun part.

And by fun part, I mean gross part.

Part 2. Can’t We Just Wrap This Up And Blame The Dwarves?

It wouldn’t be an overanalysis if I did, now would it?

There are theories abound as to how the Dwarves corrupted them, or they were part of a failed experiment (Underkiing, Lord_Hoot). This essay is going to ignore these theories, and focus on the more biological aspects of the Falmer transformation. Starting with a quote from the last surviving Snow Elf:

“The blinding of my race was supposedly accomplished with a toxin. Certainly not enough to devolve them into the sad and twisted beings they've become.”

This is further supported with the poem The Betrayed:

“Thrown into the pitch black dread of night.

Living in fear as their minds become lost.

As their eyes began dimming the light.”

This lost book also points to the slow creeping of insanity among the Snow Elves, no doubt from the unspeakable horrors seen above ground and the fancy word that made me write this whole damn essay in the first place: Mycotoxin!

Mycotoxins are a broad name for the various types of poisons produced by the Fungi kingdom, specifically those that affect animals, humans, and in this case, Elves. From NCBI’s extensive article on Mycotoxins:

“The majority of mycotoxicoses, on the other hand, result from eating contaminated foods. Skin contact with mold-infested substrates and inhalation of spore-borne toxins are also important sources of exposure. Except for supportive therapy (e.g., diet, hydration), there are almost no treatments for mycotoxin exposure”

“[...] Acute toxicity generally has a rapid onset and an obvious toxic response, while chronic toxicity is characterized by low-dose exposure over a long time period, resulting in cancers and other generally irreversible effects.”

That sounds… bad.

So, there are few if any treatments for mycotoxin exposure, and the Dwarves were not ones to use magic, so the only feasible treatment for the mass-poisoning would have been a good diet and hydration, but something tells me the Dwarves were not keen on giving their slaves either of those. From the Diary of Faire Agarwen, we can reasonably deduce that conditions were cramped, dark, and damp even among those who had political clout:

“Seventh Marking, Tenth Kulniir

[...] Often the surroundings make it impossible to dwell on any happiness. We have been locked together in such close quarters for so long.”

Keep in mind here that a kulniir was a notched basin that functioned as a simple time keeper, using drops of water. The diary also mentions there’s no real natural light, so we see the combination of dark, damp, and cramped. This was from a woman who held some social capital. We can assume that conditions for your average Joe and Sally were much worse.

Even among the best of conditions, the Snow Elves were kept in were prime real estate for molds and fungi to thrive. There is (thankfully) no evidence to support my next claim, but it’s also not exactly a stretch of the imagination.

The Falmer: A Study makes clear that the blinding was a multi-generational effort. Within perhaps two or three generations, the Snow Elves were eternally blind. Adding to the permanent blindness, there very well could have been the more unpleasant, unwanted, and unplanned changes.

I’m talking about mutagens.

To pull a real life example, Fumonisin B1 can cause neural tube defects in utero, which means that the toxin affects the development of the brain and spinal cord, as well as the central nervous system. In extreme, chronic cases of fumonisin poisoning, it can keep the brain from forming into a viable state, causing stillbirths. In a universe where dragons fly around and singing plants can make poisons, it’s not too much of a stretch to say that there is something equally terrifying growing in Blackreach. Already blinded, chronically ill, and hopeless, the next generation of Snow Elves were doomed to an ever lower standard of living without even the knowledge that things could be better. Combine that with whatever mold infected whatever flora that grew underground, similar to how say, fumonisin blights grains and how black mold is generally Really Bad For You.. Well, we can assume that there was a more subtle force that guided them to their ferality than whatever the Dwarves did to them.

In the same way the lead pipes of Rome contributed to developmental problems among their populace, I can imagine the toxic spores creating more violent, more feral Falmer, until finally their very sentience was taken from them. Seeing as all of this culminated into a war that spanned decades, something tells me the Dwarves didn’t see that coming.

Part 3: So… CAN They Be Cured?

The short answer is no. From the words of the Knight Paladin himself:

“I'm afraid that they're well beyond a cure at this point. The twisted forms you've seen didn't occur overnight. It isn't a plague or a disease that ravaged our species. The dwarves may have stolen their sight, but it took many generations for them to become what they are today.”

And as found earlier, there are no effective cures for mycotoxin exposure, and I imagine even less for chronic, multi-generational poisonings like what happened to the Snow Elves of old. I’m assuming, but I really don’t want to ever see that tested in the field.

But not all is lost. Gelebor also notes that the modern Falmer have started to re-develop their intellect. This grabbed me, as the Forgotten Vale is vastly different than the caves and ruins you normally find Falmer in. There’s fresh air and cool breezes, and open spaces for those sad little gremlins to lurk about. In short, they’re away from the poisonous influences of those dark caves and toxic spores.

It’s entirely possible that the Falmer of the Vale are developing, and it’s in part because they’re no longer confined to the dark and damp that was their prison. It’s entirely possible that with enough time, and enough patience, the Falmer could slowly undo the effects of their chronic poisoning. Not enough to become the Snow Elves of legend, those days are long since past, but perhaps enough to break their chains, and finally put a voice to thousands of years of suffering.

Sources, inspirations, and tangentially related articles:

Mycotoxins, from the National Center for Biotechnology Information. A recommended primer on the nature of mycotoxins and their effects on more complex organisms.

Toxic effects of mycotoxins in humans, from the World Health Organization, another excellent starting point if you like reading about poisonous fungi.

Repeating Mistakes of the Past: Another Mycoherbicide Research Bill, a condemnation of using mycotoxins in of all things, drug control. This article also calls the use of mycotoxins against humans for what it is: Biowarfare. An interesting, insightful, and very depressing read.

A review of the toxic effects and mechanisms of action of fumonisin B1, from the journal Human and Experimental Toxicology. Behind a paywall, but the abstract sums it all up quite nicely.

A Wikipedia article on the Mexican Tetra, because I think they’re cute.

UESP, without which I would be even more of a babbling trash gremlin.

[swampgallows]

this site has been a huge part of my life and support network in terms of mental health and really turned around a lot of toxic mindsets id held since conception. learning about feminism in an accessible way literally saved my life and allowed me to finally shake all of the abusive relationships i had been in at the time. watching my little pony reminded me of what friends were supposed to be, supposed to feel like, and how they were supposed to treat each other. tumblr gave me a social network and a place to vent (even if i got shit on by anons for it) when i was quite literally trapped in my abusive relationship, stuck in my abusive ex’s house with no clothes or food for several days and immersing myself in skyrim to keep from going insane. i’d switch back and forth between skyrim and tumblr, and kept searching for more and more blogs to follow to make sure my dash had a steady stream of content all the time. so iw as a bit of an obnoxious militant feminist at first but i had to be, i had to be militant in order to purge everything i had internalized and to fight the infection. i didn’t budge on anything. and with the popularity of 50 shades etc i started reexamining all of my past relationships and lashing out against my current ones, sexual or not, for all of the domineering and possessive traits my ‘friends’ had. 

i wouldnt have found out about asexuality without tumblr, nor come into a greater acceptance of my bi identity. i still would have been self-harming through sex, searching for acceptance and trying desperately to ‘fix’ myself and make myself a ‘real’ adult, to grow up.

i probably wouldn’t have gone back to wow were it not for tumblr, and i definitely wouldnt have made half of the friends and sense of community that i had if i didn’t. despite my depressive episodes and continuing struggle with suicide, there has been so much more color and vibrancy and creativity in my life since coming back to wow than when i quit, even though i was in ‘art school’ away at college and was dedicating the majority of my time to my ‘craft’. i still dont take my art seriously, i guess, but i had the gears in my brain turning at least. i felt inspired, not pressured, to create art. 

after another particularly bad relationship finally petered out, i had wow and its community and all of the love emanating from it to fall back on. not only was i not shamed for the intensity of my passion, it was actually received with open arms and loving embrace and enthusiasm. nobody shamed me for wondering if jaina and thrall had ended up together, or how i chose to interpret the game and its world, or parts of the world i had only imagined being true but had no real definitive proof for (which i came to later know as being ‘headcanons’). i didn’t have to be tongue-in-cheek about my real feelings, and i was permitted to feel them with all the fervor that i do. i’ve said it before, but not only did i have a place and a drive to do shit like write a 4500 word dissertation on garrosh hellscream, i also had people read it. i have over 1680 people, allegedly, who give a shit about what i think and create. 

in a place where i can be both as casual and as academic as i like, where i can be open about my sexual orientation (for the most part), where i can be judged truly for the content of my character rather than anything external like how thin or ugly i am or what my clothes look like or whether or not i have accessibility to some things, of whether or not i’m “productive enough”, tumblr truly felt like one of the only places where i can actually be my full uninhibited self. not that it doesn’t have its problems, and not that i haven’t had my slip-ups over the years amidst the evermore scrutinizing panopticon of perceived social justice (and by that i mean the shit like “stupid is a slur!” etc), but overall it’s been a very positive experience for me here.

[pbandjesse]

I've had a really hard day and I'm very tired. I slept okay last night. I woke up and I got dressed and had toast and tried my best to be a person. I left right away to go to the dentist. And they were really nice to me. But everything kind of went down from there.

My filling broke because I have another cavity under the filling. Which has gotten bad enough that I need another root canal. Which is going to be over $2,600. Because of course it is. So on my walk home I decided to try to get dental coverage. Sort this out before I actually have this procedure done. But then I decided I was going to call Kaiser and find out if I can just add insurance 40th now. Because apparently dental and vision or not included on the open market rules. You can get that anytime. Good enough. And lucky me it turns out I already have some dental coverage. Awesome.

Accepted only knocked off $500 of my total bill. Which still makes it extremely extremely unlikely that I will be able to afford this. So I have to ask my dad for money again. And I feel like a monster. I feel like an idiot. Like it's March. Were three months into the year and I've cost them thousands and thousands of dollars. I haven't even bought anything fun with it!

I'm very lucky that I parents I can help me but I really really hate that I have to keep asking for that help. I'm going to be 30 very soon and I just want to be able to handle all my bills and my business without having to bother other people. I hate it.

So I laid in bed and cried for an hour. I texted Tiffany and Chelsi that I would be a little. And at noon I left to go get lunch. I got pizza at 7-Eleven. Not part of my 90 days of no fast food but not the worst option. I got the bus and I headed up to the shopping center above the school. I walked around the Family Dollar and the Dollar Tree and the their store. Just to kind of look good stuff and be outside. It made me feel a little bit better.

And work was fine. The kids were nice. I told him I had really hurt and they all gave me hugs and very gentle with me. Which is always very sweet. You can actively see them trying to make me feel better. They would come over and give me like a little hug. It was really cute. I brought in the tiny Furby keychains that mom mailed me and they all really like and I'm and it was fun too play with them.

We had a pretty good art time. Talk about contrast. How very unhappy with me that I'm telling them they have to make either a black and white person or a colorful background or the opposite. A colorful person and I like my background. But I think they're understanding that I'm trying to challenge them. I know that it's going to be hard. I know that it's going to be annoying. But we're trying to get that artistic brain muscle going. And I think they appreciate it.

After work I went home. And got a shower and headed to CVS to get my prescription. I have an infection in my jaw and my head was just pounding. Like my temples feel like they were going to explode. And I get to CVS and they don't have my prescription. They say no one ever called. So I call the dentist and they claim they called so I put them on the phone with the pharmacist and they figured it out. But then it turns out even though I'd ask Kaiser when I was on the phone if they were accepted at CVS it turns out they're not. So I just started crying and Pharmacy. Because nothing else could go wrong. The pharmacist felt horrible that I was crying and they looked online and got me coupons. And thankfully The two prescriptions I needed we're not that expensive and I paid out of pocket and it was only like $20. I also got the stupid little refreshment face stick for my eyes to try to help with my pain. But I just wanted to go home.

I was in the CVS for way too long. Everything felt a little bit better but I still felt bad. I walk to James house to have dinner but then the burrito he made me was way too spicy. And I just cried more. Because I'm tired and everything is the worst.

But eventually me and James dissected the burrito and took out the spicy bits and I was able to eat. And now he's out buying some stuff at the corner store and trying to find me sour worms because he wants to make me feel better. And apparently he's got a third-place now trying to get these worms. He's a very good boyfriend. He just wants to take care of me. Even when I'm miserable and everything is the worst.

We're going to go to sleep probably soon. I kind of want to just put like on a movie or something. Or watch James play Skyrim. I just wanted to spend tomorrow morning make up some kind of are. Maybe selling the clothes I have in the pile of things that are torn. I just hope it's a nice day.

I hope everyone out there is having a better night than me. Send me some positive vibes.

[blue--green]

FAQs

GENERAL

You didn’t write back to me! Yes I know and I am SO sorry!  Believe me – it’s not you.  I never stop writing to someone because of them – if I don’t want to write to you, I will tell you.  I stop writing because I am mentally ill and sometimes (more often than I’d like) the world gets on top of me.  

Why do you have anon on? anon hate, babe. But I’m shy and I want to send you a message… Send it anyway!  Just tell me not to post it, and unless you’re being a dick to me, I won’t. But please understand that I might not reply.  Not because of you!  But because I just don’t always have it in me to reply.  I have literally hundreds of messages in my inbox and dozens of unanswered personal messages.  It’s killing me – you all deserve answers.  I’m mentally ill.  Sometimes I just can’t. And just know that I can’t remember my own birthdate or how to spell my surname – there is nothing you could send me more embarrassing than that!

  WRITING

You’re a writer? Yes and I have had some things published under a pseudonym that I will never reveal – don’t bother asking.  But that was a long time ago.  I write fanfic and my own original work as well.  Here’s a masterpost of what I’ve put up online and here’s my AO3 I’m not the greatest writer, but I do love writing.  

Will you tag me in your writing? Yes but only if you like one of my tagging posts.  Please don’t just tell me to tag you on the end of one of my stories – I’m terrible at keeping track of everything, so those posts are my way of doing it. - Here’s the post to like if you want to be tagged in everything I write (this has links to all the other pages too) - Here’s the post to like if you want to be tagged in my MMFD writing only - Here’s the post to like if you want to be tagged in my Skyrim writing only - Here’s the post to like if you want to be tagged in my Elsa stories only

Are you ever going to finish X story? Yes. My brain is run by a dozen angry goblins who fight and squabble over who gets to drive the meat sack body at any given time.  Each one of these goblins has their own idea for a story and they won’t shut up until it’s completely done.  However sometimes one goblin is more in control and sometimes another goblin is more in charge - and I have no choice but to listen to whatever goblin is in charge. I always finish every story I start – it just takes varying degrees of time.  I’m usually working on at least half a dozen different stories at any given time – it’s the way my brain is – I have to get the stories out.  

I love your OC can I do a faceclaim? Please please please do! tag me in it.  I love seeing who you think would play them in a movie / tv series. I generally love all faceclaims unless you whitewash my oc.  Generally the race of my oc’s can’t be changed because it matters to their identity and the way the world treats them.  but if you are wanting to change the race of my characters – don’t whitewash.

I head cannon your oc as trans / queer / not-white AWESOME!  Tell me all about it!! Love it!

I have this little head cannon drabble about your oc… Write it and send it to me – I bet I’ll love it!  I get so excited for this stuff!!  If you decide to post it, just link back to the work of mine you got inspired by!

 How do you come up with ideas?  How do you write so much, so fast? I honestly don’t know. my head is a jungle (with goblins in it).  I often wonder how people don’t write like me - how do you keep all this noise in your heads?! (But apparently not everyone has this much noise in their heads.) I have a lot of insomnia and night terrors – some of my ideas come from those. \ But some just come from the goblins in my head. And for writing I just – plant the seeds and let the characters take me where they will. Sometimes they go places I didn’t expect.  I might have a trellis set up for them, but it sometimes (often) grows elsewhere and I have to move my trellis. It’s why my stories are so messy and long. I just trust myself / my head / my shitty typing fingers to tell the stories.

Why do you write so many love triangles? I know – that evil love triangle trope! I hate them.  if I have to see one more conventionally attractive, thin, white, woman in a love triangle I might punch someone named Jennifer… Yes we get it – the skinny white girl is what every man wants and no one has ever heard of a healthy polyamorous relationship - ever! BUT!  there are women out there that are never told that they are beautiful or desirable.  Big women (fat or muscular).  Women of colour.  Disabled women.  etc.  I like seeing them be loved by lots of people. Sometimes that ends up in some poly love.  Sometimes it ends up in a love triangle or love circle or love square or whatever. I want women that are never seen in positions of being loveable and desirable to see that in my writing.  

Why do you write about so many traumatic things? I may have experienced a little trauma in my life.  Writing about traumatic things is free therapy for me.  I try to do it in a responsible way.

Why do you write about bigotry etc so much? Because it exists in the world and I refuse to pretend it doesn’t or that it isn’t evil. I’ve experienced bigotry, I’ve witnessed it, I want bigotry to die in a ditch.  As with trauma, I try to write about it in a responsible way.  

How do you write such great sex? 1. I write what turns me on. 2. I’m not embarrassed by sex or by being turned on or by my own lusty thoughts. 3. I’ve had a lot of sex and sometimes (a little too often) I just write something I’ve already done.

 Why do you never edit your stories? My brain can’t focus on that – I have to get the next story out. I try not to make too many typos, but I know I do make them and I’m sorry.  

Can I make a donation to you? I am so poor – yes please!!! I made one of those ‘Buy Me a Coffee’ accounts - here

  PERSONAL

You’re sick? What happened? Are you ok? I had a staph infection (beginning of September 2017) and it went through my whole body and I went into multi-organ failure (heart and lungs).  I’ve been in and out of hospital and am still quite sick, but I’m also on the mend. Photos of me in December 2017 with my oxygen thingy Name? Emma. Star sign? Scorpio

What’s your personality type? Here’s a bunch of tests I took and results: MBTI - INFP-T 4 Temperaments – melancholic Hogwarts House – Ravenclaw Moral Alignment – Chaotic Good RHETI (Enneagram) – Types 1,2 & 4 were tied and all apply to me.  Type 5 was also tied, but applies a little less.

Country ‘Straya mate (Australia)

Do you have any pets? A kitty named Vincent – he’s the best.

Age? Probably older than you (in my late 30s.)  If you’re a minor and you don’t want me to follow you – just let me know.  

Relationship status? well after ten years with a guy named ben, he cheated on me for a year with a girl literally 20 years younger then me, and less than a month after he’d dumped me he went overseas with her to celebrate their 1 year anniversary. he left me while he was my sole care (multi-organ failure and severe mental illness) and the only source of income and also while i was at high risk of suicide.  he told me he loved me every day of our relationship - even on the day he left me.  i thought we would be together for the rest of our lives, i believed in our vows and working through our problems, but on the last day of 2017, he ended it all.  needless to say 2018 has been pretty fucking shitty.  i am at risk of homelessness and i have zero income and i’m sick as fuck. thanks ben.

sexuality? I realised I was bisexual when I was about 15.  In my late 20s when I heard of pansexual I found that I liked it and it applied to me, but I couldn’t let go of bisexual.  So I kept it.  they are both mine mwahahahaha – oh those greedy bi’s! also happy to be called queer. and on that topic - every word in the mouths of those that hate us is a slur.  i will not give them back ‘queer’ when i spent so long claiming it as mine.  they don’t get to control me. 

Are you actually fat?  Some of your pics don’t make you look fat? It’s just angles. Last time I got weighed I was 188 kilos (414 pounds) – that was at fertility doctor’s office and she told me that I shouldn’t’ be allowed to have kids cos I was fat, that fat women produced malformed kids, and likened fat parents to abusive parents.  Awesome day – I didn’t at all cry on that day.  Not once.  I put on a bit of weight then lost some since then, so I have no idea how much I weigh now and I don’t care. I follow Health at Every Size principles and since I’ve been doing that my health has improved so much over what it was when I was hating myself and trying to lose weight. Even my doctor admits that and he was staunchly against me quitting dieting and going HAES.  Now I’m trying to love myself.  And for reference – here are the pics of me

Don’t you know that you’re killing yourself being fat? I didn’t know being skinny made you immortal?? Amazing! Fuck off. Or if you want to educate yourself on why I think the way I do – start here (big fat science)

You’re mentally ill? Yep.  Diagnosed by doctor and psychologist (although I did self diagnose beforehand.  I was right so *shrugs*)

I have - C-PTSD (formally diagnosed as PTSD because C-PTSD is not recognised by the DSM, but my shrink thinks it should be and thinks I have C-PTSD), depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, depersonalisation disorder, pain disorder, excoriation disorder, claustrophobia, nyctophobia and a bunch of other things - she actually just had to write a massive letter to support me getting a disability pension - there was so much stuff on it!  i’m messed up apparently!

It’s super fun being me.

How did you get PTSD? (C-PTSD) Boy is that a story!

My half-brother Is ten years older than me raped me repeatedly when I was a child – until I was about 12 – my earliest memory is when I was about 4 and I was pleading with my parents to not make me go camping in the back yard with him alone, because I knew he’d do it to me again – but I told them it was because I was afraid of the dark.  I told my mother when I was 10 years old what he was doing – I said he ‘got on top of me and went up and down and it hurts’ – she didn’t believe me.  It kept happening.  He also like to lock me in dark closets for hours and he tried to set me on fire a few times.  Fun times (sarcasm)

My father Huge temper problem – like to use his belt to beat me – my half-brother would sometimes protect me and take the beating for me.  Wanna guess how much that messed me up? One time he nearly strangled me to death for wearing too many necklaces (which according to him made me look like a slut) – my mother had to pull him off me as I passed out He had a problem with me closing doors – my bedroom, the bathroom… which wasn’t a problem until I went through puberty.  Then he’d comment on how my body was changing – my breasts coming in, my pubic hair etc and of I was beautiful yet (I wasn’t – I never was) Always made me feel a bit icky when he hugged me, like he was copping a feel, squeezing too tight – those sorts of things.  But I always distrust these memories.  Bottom line – I don’t like believing all this bad shit about my dad.  so I always try to minimise it. Every time my mum did something bad to me and I asked him to protect me, he’d agree she was wrong, but tell me he loved her more than me so I was on my own.  The first time I remember him telling me that – I was 7.  Calls my mother stupid and hard to live with, constantly puts her down to her face and to me.  Punched holes in walls when I upset him. Told me doing drugs was fun – when I was 10.  Guess who did a lot of drugs?  Me. Verbally harangues and abuses me to this day.  My current partner says that’s he very demeaning and terrifying when he gets going. Makes excuses about his horrible child-hood giving him temper issues.  He’s been telling me horror stories from his childhood since I was a kid – it was too much for a kid to deal with. When I told him (as an adult) what my half-brother did to me he said he hadn’t known and if he had he would have done something – he agreed to never mention my half-brother’s name again or talk about him to me, and to try and get mum to comply – I’d been asking them for years to stop talking about him to me. I had a shining moment of feeling like I had an actual real father for once.  And then a few weeks later he told me that my step-brother had been raped by his father as a child and it messed him up.  I said it didn’t excuse what he did to me. So he went on to say that when he (as in my father) was a kid, his father had raped all of his sisters, and since he was the only boy, he wondered why his daddy didn’t love him.  Then he started naming my rapist repeatedly.  I’m not sure what he was trying to say with all of this – but it painfully reminded me that I in fact do not have a real father.  

My mother Was an alcoholic (sober now), who beat me, made me do all the housework (and she liked the place to be hospital clean – I was doing housework from about 5 or 6 years old), told me in detail about her sex life, and then her lack of sex life when her and dad stopped having sex (they stopped having sex when I was 16), emotionally manipulated me, used guilt constantly – even to this day, screamed and cried at me constantly… lots of emotional and mental abuse at her hands.  

Fun family. My therapist said I was surrounded by three abusers and had no safety except when one of my abusers chose to protect me from one of my other abusers.  It’s left me with a few problems.  To say the least.  I moved out at 18 by marrying a guy so I could get the fuck away from my parents.  He was emotionally distant and judgemental of my sexuality.  I stayed with him far too long because he was safe in comparison to what I’d had so far. I did the strong, repression, that childhood didn’t get me down until I was in my 20s.  had lots of sex and friends, did career things I loved in theatre and writing. Eventually needed to make real money do got an office job.  Got bullied there. Got into another job. Got bullied there. Ended up having a mental breakdown and all of this stuff came flooding in on me.  Because I never had dealt with it all – I’d just repressed it. Now in my 30s I am finally trying to actually deal with it all.  I married another guy who i thought was a good guy - who promised me everything. who told me i was safe with him, and that i coudl trust him and that he’d be with me forever. but he cheated on me for a year and dumped me after 10 years together.  knowing the trust issues and trauma background i have, he knowingly and willingly added to it by cheating on me and lying to my face for a whole year.  so that’s added to my problems! and that’s without going into the details of the problems in the relationship.  like i did things sexually for him that i woudln’t have done for anyone else because i felt like i didn’t deserve him.  and he knew that... and it kept happening anyway.  i need so much therapy!

I have real problems forming normal healthy relationships, but I have built up some close friends around me that I think of as my family, cos fuck my blood my blood relatives.  Seriously.

Can I ask you a question about your mental health / trauma? You can, but I might not answer.  It depends on where I’m at when you ask, what you’re asking, and how you ask.  It also depends on how much anxiety my inbox / messages are giving me – sometimes I just can’t look at it.

 If you have any other questions you’d like added to this, send me a message!

 I love you all – thank you for reading this!!