#Sirius is me. I am Sirius. We are the same bisexual idiot

[bugdoesscribbles]

Sirius black

[maraudersbutmuggle]

To the moon & back

Pairing: Remus x Sirius.

Content Warning: Depression. Negative thoughts. Thoughts of death.

It started as a silly thing.

Remus said it because he thought "I love you" had become dull. They had said it many times that it sounded so common. Because what Remus felt for Sirius went beyond that.

It was after they had sex. In their flat. Widely and free. Without strains. Like they were free.

And Sirius had whispered "I love you" as he always did. And kissed Remus' neck.

And Remus responded:

"I love you to the moon and back..." he stroked Sirius' hair "Beyond the stars. Until my heart stops beating and even in the after life"

Remus didn't care if it sounded cheesy. He just smiled widely because he was an idiot. An idiot so much in love.

Sirius snorted. He looked into his eyes, and raised an eyebrow.

"That's beautiful, who said that?" he asked

"Me" Remus smiled "I just made that up on the spot"

Sirius smiled deliciously. That kind of smile he only had for Remus.

And he kissed Remus. Delicately.

"I love you more, my sweet poet"

After that, it became their thing. But Remus would only say it when the simple "I love you" wasn't enough. And Sirius always answered the same way.

While Sirius got into Art School, because oh damn, he was a talented bloke, Remus couldn't afford Uni. And he had spent a lot of money in his surgery. Even if The Marauders had helped a lot. So he got a job in a Library. He didn't quite know what he wanted to do with his life yet.

Sirius met a friend in Art School. Because who wouldn't want to be Sirius' friend? Benjy Fenwick. The lad was older, 28 years old, while Sirius was only 19. He was tall, with a beard and long hair. He was an sculptor. And he was bisexual.

And Sirius was fascinated by Benjy. He couldn't stop talking about his new friend. And chatting with him on the phone. "About homework and stuff" Sirius said. But it was so constant that even James got jealous.

"Yeah, I hate him too, Moony" James commented one time "Who does he think he is, ha? Bloody wanker. Sirius is ours"

Lily had laughed "James, baby, you're too adorable. But Sirius is allowed to have new friends"

"New friends? Yes. Best friends? Nah ah" James shook his head "Moony is Sirius' boyfriend. And I am his best friend. And no asshole will take that place from us. Right, Moony?"

For James there were all jokes. And Sirius wouldn't replace James. But with Remus, it was different.

"Hey Pads..." Remus whispered one time. Sirius was doing an sketch for school. And Remus was there useless and numb.

"Yeah?"

"My beautiful Padfoot" Remus smiled "Why are you so gorgeous?"

Sirius smiled "I'm busy Moons"

Remus began kissing Sirius' neck.

"Remus... I have a lot to do. Not in the mood now"

"Okay..." Sirius doesn't want me anymore. I'm too ugly compared to Benjy.

Sirius gave him a kiss on the cheek "I'll finish this and maybe we can do stuff later" he winked.

"Sirius..." Remus said "I would die right now, happy, with you in my arms"

He turned to look.

"Don't say stupid things, Remus"

"It's romantic"

"And morbid"

"Sorry..."

And lately, all that Remus said or did, bothered Sirius.

"I love you to the moon and back..." Remus sighed "Beyond the stars. Until my heart stops beating and even in the after life"

And Sirius kissed him. And Remus tasted those lips as if it would be the last time.

"I love you more, my sweet poet" Sirius said "We have a whole life ahead of us, okay?"

And in that moment, Benjy called.

"Hello Benjamin..." Sirius answered, smiling "No way, really?" he stood up and walked to the kitchen "You're an asshole... No that's not true..."

Remus felt like he had already lost Sirius.

Sirius was gorgeous and energetic, young and full of life. He was everyone's dream. Who wouldn't want him? Half of the population at Hogwarts had a crush on him. And now... Sirius' hair was longer. Sometimes he wore it on a bun. Sirius looked more mature, not with a boy's face like he used to. Leather jackets, black jeans, piercings, white shirts... Anyone would droll. He was perfect.

And Remus... Remus was Remus. He was grateful for his surgery. And the testosterone treatment. He was more himself than ever. But Sirius was ten times better than him. Remus still had feminine parts. Remus was awkwardly tall and too skinny. Remus was depressed. And he felt so stupid.

Maybe at Hogwarts it had been easy. Not many blokes were openly gay. And the girls were too immature. But this was the real life. Anyone. Literally anyone would be a better match for Sirius than Remus.

Even Benjy. Especially Benjy.

So Remus avoided meeting Benjy. Because he was sure that Sirius would be embarrassed of introducing him as his boyfriend.

"Are you sure, you don't want to come?" Sirius asked for the tenth time.

"You know I hate those things, babe"

"You haven't even been to one"

"Not my type of music"

Benjy had invited Sirius to a rave. With a bunch of friends from school. And Sirius said that Benjy told him to invite Remus.

"Benjy wants to meet you. And my other friends too" Sirius sighed "I wanted you there, love. Because you're special to me"

"Maybe another time, Pads" Remus faked a smile, even though he had a knot on his throat "Why don't you ask James, Lily and the others?"

"James and Lily are having a road trip this weekend" Sirius said "And the others are busy"

Sirius made a pout. The one that used to make Remus do anything. But not this time.

"I won't go then" Sirius added "I'll stay with you. And we can do something fun"

"No Sirius" Remus wanted Sirius to stay with him. But Remus was not selfish "You should go" he smiled "I'll be busy this weekend, anyway. Visiting dad and Sandra..." it was a lie. He had the weekend free.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, love" Remus stroked Sirius' hair "Go and have fun with your friends" And Benjy "I'll be okay"

"I'll miss you" No you won't.

"I'll miss you too" Remus kissed him.

So Remus spent his weekend crying, drinking, watching cartoons and repeating. He even regretted not going. And his mind filled with nasty thoughts of how Sirius and Benjy would snog or worse. He hadn't met Benjy in person. But he had seen pictures. And Remus saw Sirius and Benjy as a couple on his mind. They fitted. And he cried even more, because Remus didn't want to break up with Sirius. Remus would die without him. He would die.

It was until Sunday morning, that Sirius finally called.

"Hey..."

"Hey MoonyMoons" Sirius said excited "I am literally dead. I didn't sleep all night"

Of course, you didn't. You were with Benjy.

"Did you have fun, Pads?"

"Yeah it was amazing!" Sirius exclaimed "I wish you would've been there. Patrick threw up like five times. And Beny and I had to carry him to the van..." Benjy again "But I had a great time. And don't worry. I didn't drink... much..."

Remus made a weird hum so that Sirius would know he was listening.

"How was Lyall? And Sandra?"

"Oh they're fine" Remus said "Sandra is dealing with the pregnancy, but fine..."

It was a surprise to find out Remus was going to have a sibling.

"Yeah I imagine, love..."

"Oi, Black!" Remus heard another voice on Sirius' line "Breakfast is ready... Bring your ass here"

"Coming, Benjamin" Sirius teased.

So it was Benjy. He even had a masculine tough voice.

"Oh... Moony?" Benjy asked "Tell him hi for me"

"Benjy says hi" Sirius giggled.

Remus didn't know that Sirius had told Benjy everything. Even their nicknames for each other.

"Oh... tell him hi too" And that I hate him.

"Okay, Moons. I have to go. I'll be there by night, okay love?"

"Sirius..."

"Yeah?"

"I love you to the moon and back..." he said "Beyond the stars. Until my heart stops beating and even in the after life"

Sirius laughed on the phone.

"I love you more, my sweet poet"

And he hung up. Remus bursted out crying again. He was an idiot.

It was a matter of time. Before Sirius stopped loving him. And when that happened, Remus was going to die.

[fruitquake]

realizations pt. 1

read it on ao3

James Potter knows he likes girls. In his mind, that has always meant he must be straight. Of course he’s straight. Whenever he sits next to Lily Evans in class, his heart flutters and he gets all useless and flustered. He has kissed girls before, and liked it.

But then, Regulus kissed him, and he’s pretty sure a straight guy wouldn’t have liked it as much as he did. He’s pretty sure a straight guy wouldn’t be up all night, replaying it in his head, a hopeless burning sensation is his chest.

Regulus kissed him. Or did he kiss Regulus? He’s a little fuzzy on those details. But crystal clear is Reg’s lips on his own, the feeling of being featherlight as everything else faded into the background, leaving only him and Regulus.

James sighs, pressing both hands against his eyes until he sees stars, and once again, Regulus is there, a crystal clear image of soft lips and silky black hair that James messed up with his hands as they kissed. Just as he isn’t sure who initiated the kiss, it’s also a bit unclear to him who broke it off. Only that he had been absolutely speechless, staring into Regulus’s eyes for a hint that he had felt what James had felt during that kiss. Then Regulus had muttered some obvious excuse about a curfew and he had been off, leaving James with a warm, confusing feeling bubbling in his stomach.

Regulus is practically family to James. When Sirius ran away from home, Regulus stayed, and for over a year they didn’t talk. Reg avoided him at school. James remembers how hard that was on Sirius. But now, things are good between them. Reg comes over almost every day, without his parents knowing. He’s almost as much a part of the family as Sirius.

It hadn’t occurred to James, before today, that the way he feels about Regulus, the soft affection that makes his cheeks warm, could be anything other than platonic. But that bloody kiss...

James slides out of bed and gets dressed, careful not to wake Sirius, who sleeps in the top bunk. There’s one place he goes when he needs to clear his head. He tiptoes over to the window and opens it as quietly as he possibly can, glancing over his shoulder to check that Sirius is still asleep. He seems to be, so James slides out of the window and onto the roof. He sits down, careful not to step on the loose shingle. His mum doesn’t want him or Sirius to go onto the roof, of fear that they will fall down, but they do it anyway, because there really is no better place to just… sit and be. He looks down onto the street below him, the streetlights the only thing shining through the night. A cool breeze caresses his face, tugs at a rogue strand of hair. James closes his eyes.

There’s no way he isn’t straight. He has spent years watching Sirius and Remus pine after each other like idiots, and the past six months watching them be all gross and lovebird-y. And if he is… anything other than straight, wouldn’t he have realized sooner? He remembers asking Sirius, after his coming out, when he realized he was gay. Sirius had told him that, in a way, he had always known, but he had fully realized it by the time he was 12. For Remus, it was when he was 14, and similarly to Sirius, he had sort of half-known for years before that.

James had never questioned his sexuality before. Surely if he wasn’t straight, the thought would have occurred to him sooner, and not just after kissing a boy. A very, very pretty boy with very soft, kissable lips, who hadn’t left James’s mind ever since.

He sighs, leaning back his head and looking up at the sky, as though some God, if there really is one, is going to come down and give him all the answers.

“Oi.”

James starts and looks over his shoulder. Sirius is leaning against the window sill, squinting up at him. He’s wearing boxers and one of Remus’s t-shirts, which is slightly baggy on him.

“Oh,” James says, his voice a little hoarse. “I didn’t hear you get up.”

“What kind of 2 AM crisis are you having up here, and why didn’t you invite me?” Sirius asks.

James huffs a nervous laugh. “I…” he begins, but trails off, not knowing where to even start.

Sirius heaves himself up, crawling through the window and out onto the roof besides James, and James can’t help but worry that he will catch a cold, sitting out here with bare arms and legs. “Come on, spill the beans, Potter,” Sirius says, nudging their shoulders together.

“Sirius…” James looks down at his hands, nervously fidgeting. “You always say that your gaydar is flawless.”

“Uh-huh,” Sirius says. “And I have yet to be proven wrong on that.”

“Well, d’you think… could I be… anything other than straight?” He’s too nervous to look at Sirius, so he keeps his eyes on his own hands.

“Oh. It’s that kind of crisis,” Sirius says. James’s eyes dart up to meet Sirius’s. He’s leaning back a little, looking at James with thoughtful consideration. “I mean…” he begins. “I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.”

James blinks, a little perplexed. “Really?” He had expected Sirius to laugh and tell him how ridiculous that was. That James was the straightest person he knew.

“Yeah,” Sirius just says, tilting his head back to look at the sky. It’s cloudy. Almost no stars. “I mean, I’ve caught you staring weirdly at guys several times. And you always used to get flustered around the older teammates when you first joined the football team.”

“Well,” James says hurriedly. “That was because, you know… They were older and so much more experienced and…” Really fucking handsome. He sighs, dropping his face into his hands. “I’m honestly so confused.”

“What exactly sparked this sudden confusion?” Sirius asks. “You’ve always seemed rather confident in your supposed heterosexuality.”

James pushes up his glasses, which had been falling down the bridge of his nose. He hesitates, carefully watching Sirius. When it comes to his brother, Sirius is incredibly protective, and James isn’t entirely convinced he won’t get pushed off the roof for telling the truth.

“I kissed Regulus,” he says finally, deciding that Sirius probably won’t push him off the roof.

A beat. “What?”

James swallows nervously. “I… kissed your brother. Or maybe he kissed me. A kiss happened, between me and your brother.” He watches Sirius for several agonizing seconds. “Please, don’t be mad.”

“I’m not… mad,” Sirius says. “If you were anyone else, I probably would be grabbing you by your shirt collar and threatening your life right now, but… You’re James Potter. I’d trust you with my bloody life.”

James releases a breath of relief. “Right,” he mutters. “Thank you, Sirius.”

There’s a stretch of silence between them, which Sirius is the one to break. “So… you kissed Reg,” he reiterates. “And you liked it?”

The kiss forces its way back into James’s mind, and he lets out a strange sound between a sigh and a groan. “I… think so,” he says. “I mean, whenever I think about it, I get this warm, bubbly, incredible feeling in my chest, and… Well, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Sirius grins, shaking his head in amusement. “Yeah,” he says. “Doesn’t sound very straight to me.”

Well, yeah. James knows he’s right, but he can’t quite wrap his head around it.

“It’s just,” he says quietly. “I definitely like girls. I’ve always known I like girls. I mean, for goodness’s sake, I’ve been crushing on Lily for years.”

“Yes.” Sirius nods. “But that doesn’t automatically make you straight, J. You can like girls and guys, you know.”

“I know…”

Sirius covers his mouth, stifling a yawn. “I think you should talk to Re about this,” he says. “I mean, he’s the expert, really. Like… A Bisexual Messiah or something.”

That earns him a laugh from James. “Yeah, he is, isn’t he? You’re right. I’ll… talk to him tomorrow, probably.”

“Lovely,” Sirius says. “Can we please go back inside now? I’m freezing my bloody ass off.”

“You could’ve put on some trousers and a jumper, you moron!” James scolds him, and Sirius shoves him gently.

-

“Babe,” Sirius says over lunch the next day, taking Remus’s hand in his own. They share a disgustingly sweet look. “I think James had something he wanted to talk to you about.”

Remus looks at him, chewing a bit of his sandwich. He swallows. “Oh?”

“Er...” James looks around the crowded school cafeteria. “Can we talk somewhere more private, maybe?”

Peter looks up from his lunch. “What’s it about?” he asks James.

“Nothing,” James says, a bit too fast. “There’s just something I wanted to ask Re. It’s nothing interesting, don’t worry, Pete.”

“Then why do you need to go somewhere private?” Peter presses on.

Sirius opens a canned soda, looking around to check that no teachers are close by. Every day at lunch, he plays the same game of “Can I drink my soda before a teacher confiscates it?” Most days he’s not quick enough to actually finish it, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. “Damn, Petey,” he says. “Maybe it’s none of your fucking business. Shut up and eat.”

If someone else talked to Peter like that, they would probably end up with Sirius’s fist in their face, but apparently, it’s fine when Sirius does it himself.

Remus takes another bite of his sandwich, before putting it down. “Well,” he says to James. “We can go find an empty classroom if you’d like.” He looks intrigued, and James guesses Sirius hasn’t told him anything yet.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” James says, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. It was one thing, telling Sirius last night. He has always told Sirius everything, and there’s something about that spot on the roof that makes late-night talks feel… almost sacred. Telling Remus will be a bit more daunting. But he follows Remus out of the cafeteria and into an empty classroom, anyway.

“So,” Remus says, shutting the door behind them. “What did you wanna talk about?”

James realizes he probably should’ve thought this through beforehand. He has no clue what to say. “Well,” he begins awkwardly. “You’re bi.”

For a few long seconds, Remus just looks at him, confused. “Yes?” he says. “I… know?”

James sighs, leaning back against the teacher’s desk. He combs a hand through his hair, messing it up at the back. “Yeah, it’s just that, er… I think I might be bi, too?” He looks up for Remus’s reaction.

“Oh!” Remus says. “But you aren’t sure, or…?”

“I don’t know,” James mumbles. “I’m bloody confused. And Siri said I should talk to you because you’re like… The Bisexual Messiah. I think that’s how he phrased it.”

Remus grins. “The Bisexual Messiah? Huh. I should get that on a t-shirt.” James must look quite miserable, because Remus clears his throat, looking a bit more serious. “So you’re questioning if you might be bi?” he asks softly.

James nods. “I kissed… someone,” he says. “A guy. It was Reg, actually.”

Remus arches an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything, so James goes on:

“And it felt really, really good. I practically haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. But I’ve just always thought of myself as, you know, completely straight. But, well, as Sirius pointed out to me yesterday, there’s not really anything straight about the way I felt when I kissed him.” He bites his lip, looking up at Remus.

“Right,” Remus says thoughtfully. “What exactly did you need me for? Sounds like you’ve got it figured out alright.”

“I have?” James asks in bewilderment.

Remus chuckles. “Okay, maybe not, then,” he says. “I just meant, you know… You’ve known for a long while that you liked girls. And now, after kissing Reg, you’ve realized that you like guys too, right?”

Does he like guys? James lets his mind wander, filtering through memories he didn’t realize he had archived. A gym locker room, all of them sweaty after football practice. One of the older students, shirtless, slinging an arm around James and telling him he played well, and James getting light-headed and flustered. He had told himself it just felt good to be acknowledged by an older, more skillful teammate, but looking back on it, it was possible that some of the heat rushing to his cheeks had been because of their bare skin touching. And then there were the dreams, which he had dismissed as not meaning anything, but… Perhaps dreaming about kissing boys did mean something.

“Huh,” he says finally. “I’m… lowkey stupid.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I’ve somehow managed to ignore loads of signs that I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t even realize it before now!”

Remus’s face softens. “Jem, that’s… completely normal. I think a lot of queer people at some point look back and wonder how they didn’t realize sooner. I certainly did.”

“Oh.” James laughs breathily. “Well… Shit. This is interesting.”

Remus laughs with him. “You know,” he says. “You can take as much time as you need to figure all of this out. And if you have any more questions, I’m here.”

“Thank you, Re,” he says. “But… I don’t think it’s necessary.”

“Oh, okay.”

James lets the silence stretch for a moment. His palms are sweating a little, and he wipes them on his trousers. “So, er… Can I tell you something?”

Remus smiles a little. “Yeah.”

“I’m bisexual,” James tells him, and… wow. Saying it out loud feels incredible, like a weight he didn’t know he was carrying being lifted off his shoulders. He grins.

Remus nods, grinning back at him. “That’s great, James, thank you for telling me!” Then, after a short pause: “Have you talked to Regulus?”

The mention of him brings the memory of the kiss back in full effect, and James can feel his cheeks heat up. He’s grateful that his darker skin makes it almost impossible to tell when he’s blushing, though he guesses Remus still senses it. “Not since he practically fled yesterday, after we… you know.”

“Ah,” Remus says. “Well… Maybe you should. Talk to him, I mean.”

James sighs, ruffling his hair with one hand. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I usually am,” Remus says with a grin. “That reminds me, Siri owes me ten pounds.”

“What? You and Sirius had a bet running on my sexuality?” James asks, slightly indignant, but more curious than anything.

Remus shrugs. “Well, no. We had a bet running on whether you would realize before we graduated. And you did!” He throws his hands up in a little gesture of victory, and James groans.

“You’re the worst,” he says. “You’re both the bloody worst.”

[nearlymanaged]

17. Arrogant Toerag and A Birthday Kiss

That spring, the morning of March tenth ushered Remus’ seventeenth birthday in with a thunderous rainstorm. James, Sirius, and Peter had woken him up with magical fireworks whizzing all around their dormitory, and spent the rest of the morning surprising him with little acts of service. One of them happened to be James hexing a sixth year Ravenclaw boy who once won a duel against Remus in their third year and had been boasting about it every chance he got ever since. 

Unlike Sirius, Remus didn’t care for big celebrations and loud parties to commemorate his existence. Instead, it had become a Marauders tradition for the other three boys to get him a chocolate cake every year. They always did it in secret, sneaking off to the kitchen a couple of days beforehand, making plans with the house elves. And Remus always pretended like he didn’t know what was going on.

“Where’s Wormy?” James checked his wristwatch, tapping his foot impatiently. “He should have been back by now.”

“I can’t believe he’d gotten himself a detention on Moony’s birthday,” Sirius folded his arms over his chest with a pout, at which James turned to face him pointedly slowly.

“Do you hear yourself?”

Sirius merely narrowed his eyes at his friend. James had just suggested that everyone play something together, like Transfiguration Charades or Spin The Bottle or whatever else, while he was going to go get the cake. He plunged into this whispered conversation the moment Remus disappeared at the top of the stone steps, to stash away all the chocolate bars he’d gotten from his friends throughout the day.

There was a wide, red banner suspended in air across the length of the common room. It read ‘HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY, REMUS!’ with a whole bunch of hearts that Sirius had personally charmed to float around the words, leaving faint trails of sparks behind. Occasionally, it would start singing Happy Birthday, consequently startling an unsuspecting student here and there.

“We should go get the cake now,” James said louder this time, speaking over the singing banner. “Sirius?” 

“I’ll go with you!” Lily jumped up from her armchair.

“Nevermind, Sirius…” James mumbled, all while gazing at Lily, starry-eyed. “Well, well, well. I didn’t know you’re that interested in spending time with me.”

“Get that smirk out of my face, Potter. Didn’t you see that Sirius is busy?” She cast a glance back into the common room as the two of them clambered out through the portrait hole.

“Ah, yes, daydreaming about Moony...” James shrugged, throwing the invisibility cloak over them both in one swift motion; when he spoke again, he couldn’t keep a note of annoyance out of his voice. “I don’t get it. If Moony fancies him back, how come they’re not together?”

“You tell me! We both know Remus is not going to make the first move.”

There really was no arguing with that, James thought as he crouched ever so slightly, loosely hooking his fingers under Lily’s arm to keep her close and fully covered. “Sirius’ Boggart is Remus rejecting him... But I didn’t tell you that!” James added in a hasty whisper.

“Of course you didn’t,” Lily waved it off as they marched down the corridor, unseen by anyone, “but surely, Sirius has been nervous about asking people out before?”

“Oh sweet Merlin, you have no idea how dramatic Sirius can be. He hasn’t stopped whining about how he can’t mess it up because it’s Moony.”

“Well... Encourage him! Be his best mate, cheer him on!”

“Easy for you to say, Evans,” James chuckled, gently nudging her side with his elbow. “How about you encourage Remus?”

“It’s not a matter of encouragement. Unfortunately, he doesn’t believe that Sirius fancies him.”

“What do you mean, he doesn’t believe it? Hasn’t he noticed that they’ve been pretty much acting like they’re already together?”

“What, you mean Sirius always touching him somehow and walking him to lessons when he himself should be on the other side of the castle? No, no, that’s just what friends do. Or are you talking about how they wrestled in the common room the other day until Remus managed to pull his jumper off Sirius while sitting on top of him? Because, obviously, Sirius hadn’t asked permission to borrow it so justice needed to be restored, that’s it, nothing more than that. Just two pals,” Lily sighed and shook her head.

“You’re joking...”

“I wish. For someone as smart as Remus--”

“He’s a fucking idiot.”

“Couldn’t have said it better,” Lily let out a melodious laugh and James felt it wrap itself around his heart.

“Who’s there?” The voice of Peeves spoke almost directly above them, prompting them to quickly tiptoe away while trying not to laugh.

“So what are we going to do about them?” James whispered again once they were sure there was no one around at all.

“What do you mean?” Lily turned her head to look at him.

“I mean, we have to help them. They’re two of my best friends, I can’t watch them throw their love away… And also,” he added with a guilty smile when Lily peered at him with a quirked eyebrow, “I am so bloody tired of Sirius whining about it.”

“I don’t know that it’s up to us to do anything,” she grinned at his confession. “They’re both adults...legally, as of today. They can handle themselves.”

“Uh-huh, so you didn’t volunteer to come with me so that Sirius could spend more time with Remus without us around? I see, I see. So you are hopelessly in love with me, after all. Incredible,” James concluded as they stopped in front of a painting of a fruit bowl, offering her a cheeky smirk. 

“You know,” Lily was feeling for the edge of the invisibility cloak as she spoke, “sometimes you say things that are so moronic that there simply aren’t words in the English language I could respond with.”

She stepped from under the cloak and then things happened in such rapid succession that James’ unspoken retort died in his throat - they heard quick footsteps getting nearer, Lily held her arm out just to the left or where James was still hidden by the cloak, and right as he was about to lift it and cover Lily again, it was too late.

“Oh. It’s you.” Snape was standing at the end of the corridor; he seemed to be stunned for a second but then took a few rather eager steps towards Lily. “What are you doing here?” He stumbled over his words, doing a poor job at hiding how surprised by Lily’s presence he was.

“Waiting...for someone… Am I not allowed? Are you a Prefect now?”

“No…” Snape clicked his tongue, managing to pull himself together now. “Waiting for your new delinquent friends?”

“Who?” Lily’s face soured.

“Potter and his gang, of course,” he spat out and James narrowed his eyes, trying to decide whether he wanted to hex Snape or smack him instead. “I’ve noticed you’ve become rather friendly with them lately.” He paused, allowing Lily to say something, perhaps hoping that she would deny it; however, she remained silent. Snape spoke again, now sounding more like his usual annoying, stuck-up, nasty self, James thought. “You used to think that Potter was an arrogant toerag. What happened?”

“I did the hard thing: I grew as a person and learnt and accepted that I had been wrong, instead of holding onto a grudge against a silly childhood memory.”

“A silly childhood memory, really?” Snape laughed mirthlessly. “They’re bullies and you know that as well as me. And freaks, too. Did you know that one of them is bisexual? Even Muggles call his kind freaks.”

“Yeah,” Lily spat out, stoney faced. “And the other’s a gay werewolf, and I’m a mudblood. So what? None of this means anything, Severus.”

“That’s not fair-- You know I didn’t m--”

James caught a briefest moment of hesitation in Lily’s steady breathing. “Severus,” she took half a step towards the Slytherin boy. “I’m planning on joining the Ministry and Dumbledore after Hogwarts, as soon as I sit my last exam. A lot of us are going to do that. Don’t you ever for a second forget that this is not about Potter,” James saw her fingers curl into a fist slowly, to stop her hand from shaking, but her voice was strong and fierce. “And not about anyone else at all. This isn’t even about you calling me a mudblood-” Lily plowed on even when Snape gave the tiniest jerk of his head, as if about to say something- “you chose the Dark side and I just cannot— I will not stand for it.”

Snape stood there for a moment that seemed to drag on and on, silent, staring at Lily down his nose. “Dark side?” He finally uttered, barely above a whisper, and James rolled his eyes before remembering that he was invisible. “There are no such things as bad and good sides. The world isn’t just either black or white. You, of all people, should know that, Lily.”

“I’ve said my piece, Severus. No matter how many times we’ve tried to figure it out, we always ended up in the same spot. Can you please just...go. Leave me and my freak friends be.”

James heard bitterness in the last sentence that Lily uttered. He watched her stare at Snape so intensely and fearlessly that her eyes seemed greener and hair redder all of a sudden, as if her whole being was charged full of magic bursting to get out. Finally, Snape turned on his heel without another word, and angrily marched off.

James’ hand was clutching a fistful of the cloak and, after waiting a couple of seconds, he pulled it off himself. Lily was still looking in the direction where Snape had disappeared around the corner. Then, she turned away, as if waking up from a trance.

“What? What’s that look?” Lily peered up at James, her eyebrows knitting together over those green eyes.

There were a few things he wanted to say, and it took some amount of self-restraint to get his thoughts in order before he spoke. “Remus is gay?”

“Fuck.” Lily breathed out, her voice saturated with frustration. “I should not have told him. I really shouldn’t have… But calling Sirius a freak because of who he fancies… It just made me so mad...” She mumbled on.

“Don’t worry about it. If Snape tries doing anything to hurt Remus, I will personally pluck his greasy hairs out, one by one. I won’t let anyone bully Remus for...” James trailed off, a wave of red hot shame flushing his face. “I know I’ve been an ass,” his eyes darted to the floor momentarily, “to quite a few people. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Snape’s not wrong about that, about me being a bully.”

“Yes, you have been an ass. But listen to yourself now.” Lily’s arms were folded across her chest, her right hand fingers picking at a loose thread coming out of her left sleeve. “Isn’t that the best we can do? Try to be better, all the time?”

“Yeah… I think so. Look, Lily, I--” James kept fiddling with the bunched up cloak in his arms; he wished he would have known how to put into words what he was trying to say. He wished he knew how to make Lily understand that he truly was ashamed of how he had behaved in the past, oftentimes around her, and that he didn’t think he was that prick anymore. “I’m not saying that I’m sorry that that tosser is not in your life anymore, but...I’m sorry you lost a friend. I know that you used to be close…”

“Yeah…” She offered him a faded smile, but the next moment, her eyes had lively sparks in them again. “I appreciate you saying that.”

“So…” He glanced around for what to say next, before the words erupted out of his mouth. “You don’t think I’m an arrogant toerag anymore?” 

Lily shook her head at James’ grin. “I like being friends with you, James.”

“Me too.”

“So shall we get going then?”

“Huh?”

“The cake…”

“Ah, yes! The cake! Right!”

* * *

“What’s that?”

Remus, who had just walked out of his dormitory and down the steps, lifted a book he was holding to show Sirius the cover. Slanted gold letter across it read ‘Twelve Fail-Safe Ways To Charm Witches’. “My dear aunt Davina sends her love for my birthday.”

“Oh…”

“She loves to talk about how getting married at seventeen was the best decision she ever made.”

“Oh?” Sirius crossed the common room alongside Remus.

“She’d love nothing more than to have my dad allow her to arrange a marriage for me.”

“Oh.”

“I think she might secretly be a lesbian. There you go,” Remus handed the book to an unsuspecting second year boy who was sitting on a pouffe, counting his gobstones. “I’m a Prefect,” Remus added when the boys stared up at him utterly bewildered. 

“Remus. I love you.” 

“Thanks, Pads,” Remus laughed out. “So where did everyone go?” He looked around the room.

“Come over here, we’re playing Truth or Dare!” Dorcas Meadowes waved them over from a group of people clustered in a disorderly circle.

“Ooh!” Sirius perked up at the same time as Remus let out a groan. “Oh, shut up, you. It’ll be fun,” he grabbed Remus by the wrist and dragged him towards a spot where a few people scooted over to make room for them.

Remus had never been a big fan of the game, he always rather felt that he had too many dark and embarrassing secrets for it. Over the years filled with long evenings in the Gryffindor tower, it had become a bit of a joke about how he would become grumpy and sour at the very mention of it. But he would humour his friends once in a while and join in for a bit, and try to be a good sport about it as much as he could bear.

Most of the kids in the group were sixth and fifth years, with a few girls that Remus knew to be fourth years, and a handful of younger pupils whom he did not know, other than recognising their faces from seeing them around. It was a while before the bottle landed on him, and the moment it did, his heart seemed to give out an extra beat. Remus scolded himself silently and gave out a faint sigh as he looked over at one of the fourth year girls as she posed the dreaded question: 

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” he answered without missing a beat and a couple people hissed ‘oh come on’.

“How many people have you snogged?”

“Very original,” he drawled. “I didn’t realise we’re playing truth or dare for eleven year olds.”

“Fine then. What’s the biggest secret you’ve ever kept?”

“Wouldn’t be much of a secret anymore if I told you now, would it?”

“Oh please. You just didn’t want to answer the first question because you’ve never snogged anyone,” jeered a fifth year old boy in a Sex Pistols T-shirt, already reaching for the empty bottle impatiently..

Remus looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “four,” before snatching the bottle himself and spinning it. 

There was some debate at first but it was agreed that the glass neck was pointing more towards Marlene than Frank. “Dare!” She exclaimed before he could even ask.

“Alright,” Remus grinned at her with blatant mischief painted all over his face, “go ask Sir Nicholas out,” he nodded his head towards the Gryffindor ghost having a seemingly pleasant conversation with some first years at the edge of the common room.

“But...he’s dead!”

“I don’t make the rules,” he shrugged.

“Fine,” Marlene was grinning now, obviously unwilling to lose. “Take notes, you lot!” She got up as everyone laughed.

“You sly thing, you!” Sirius lightly smacked Remus’ knee, leaning in a bit closer, grinning at him as he did. “I thought we weren’t doing Truth and Dare for eleven year olds!”

“This whole game is for eleven year olds,” Remus smirked back at him.

The bottle kept getting spun over and over again, and miraculously never landed on Remus again. He was laughing with everyone, having loads of fun; but he mostly cared for the moments when Sirius would lean in, far closer than necessary by some standards, to whisper a joke that only Remus could understand.

“They’re still not back?” Remus glanced around the common room while Frank was accepting a dare to smell five people’s armpits.

“Who?” Sirius followed his gaze distractedly for a split second. “Oh, our two closest, best friends in the world, yeah…”

“It’s good that you have nice hair,” Remus bobbed his head with mock gravitas. “At least you have that to offer to the world…”

“You think I have nice hair?” Sirius asked with a strange mixture of eagerness and sheepishness.

“Speaking of our friends,” Remus slowly peeled his eyes off Sirius’ face, letting them roam around the circle of people they were a part of as he spoke. “They’ve been leaving you out this year, haven’t they? You’ve only had, what? Four detentions?” He looked back at the black haired boy who, for a moment, seemed to have been hypnotised.

“I’ve been busy, I don’t have time for detention this year,” Sirius’ features fell seamlessly into a relaxed smirk.

“Oh god. What are you plotting now?”

“You’ll find out…” Sirius answered vaguely just before their conversation was cut short by someone having spun the bottle and landed on him.

“Truth or dare?” Another one of the fourth year girls with waist-length, silky-smooth hair batted her lashes at SIrius none too subtly.

“Dare, of course.”

“Alright,” she smirked and then exchanged looks with her three quietly giggling friends. “Snog anyone in the circle for thirty seconds. You can choose any person. As long as they’re okay with it.”

“Alright,” said Sirius as he mirrored the girl’s smile; she and her friends, as well as a couple other people, all seemed to be bursting with anticipation. “Remus…”

Remus didn’t register the sound of his name at first, having suddenly lost all interest in the game. He had no desire to watch Sirius snog anyone. In fact, he couldn’t think of anything else that he didn’t want to do more than that. He gave a little jolt and looked over his shoulder, assuming that Sirius needed him to move out of the way to get to the person he was going to kiss. He could see the confusion that he felt reflected in a handful of the faces among the group. “Yes?” Remus looked over at Sirius again. Great, he thought, front row seat...

“Are you okay with it?”

“Okay...with what?”

Sirius gave him an unamused look, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly, as if asking him to quit playing dumb. The smile tugging at his lips was nothing short of charming, but there was an ounce of bashfulness in it too. “You can say no…”

“No. I mean...I’m okay with it,” Remus stammered, his heart suddenly beating so hard that it was knocking all air out of him.

“Alright then,” Sirius turned himself on the spot, still cross-legged, to face Remus.

At a loss of what to think, say, or do, Remus mirrored his movements so that their knees touched as they looked at each other. “Let’s make it five,” Sirius mumbled feebly and placed his hands on Remus’ knees as he started leaning in.

Remus had momentarily gotten lost in his head, trying to figure out how he got to be there, in that moment. He looked into Sirius’ eyes as he felt his own upper body gravitate towards him. There was only a ghost of a smile crossing Sirius' face now; he seemed tense, on tenterhooks almost. And yet, there didn’t seem to be any hesitation in his movements as he closed the gap between them.

This time, Remus was getting lost in a kiss. This kiss felt nothing like the mundane fifth that it should have been by all accounts; this kiss tasted like the sweetness and the yearning of the very first and the very last one too. 

* * *

Sirius couldn’t remember ever being happier than he was in that moment; feeling Remus’ eyelashes flicker against his, the barely-there stubble on Remus’ chin lightly grazing his skin as their lips danced and their mouths breathed magic in each other. He wished he didn’t have to stop kissing Remus after thirty seconds - and, unless he was sorely mistaken, it didn’t seem like Remus was in any hurry to pull away when someone finally announced the end of their half a minute of bliss.

When Sirius opened his eyes, his hands still planted on Remus’ thighs, he couldn’t - and didn’t try to - keep a giddy smile at bay. “I knew you’d taste like chocolate,” he said quietly.

Remus’ face glowed red but he was smiling back at Sirius. “Interesting thing to spend your days thinking about.”

“Oi! Black! It’s your go,” Frank leaned over to push the bottle towards him.

Sirius tore his eyes off Remus’ face slowly, reluctantly. He grabbed the bottle, spun it again, and just as it was slowing down, a panting Peter showed up.

“I’m so sorry, lads! I thought I’d never get out of Filch’s sad dungeon! He was threatening to keep me scrubbing armours until midnight… Oh! Truth or Dare!?” Peter asked excitedly and, without waiting for an answer, plopped down to sit right between Sirius and Remus.

Mere minutes after that, James and Lily came back with a three tier chocolate cake (the house elves had been making them bigger every year). Some players from their circle dispersed around the common room, others stayed to raise butterbeer bottles in a toast to Remus’ birthday. Big slices of the cake were being passed around and people were chattering and laughing, and talking to Moony and wishing him a happy birthday; hugging him and patting him on the back. It seemed like all of a sudden, everyone needed to be in his immediate vicinity; all while Sirius desperately wanted to cling to that one, now seemingly fleeting, moment of happiness.

He found himself perched up on the armrest of a chair, his fingers loosely wrapped around a cold bottle, his mind wandering, watching Remus deep in conversation with Marlene from afar. It made Sirius nothing short of ecstatic, seeing him smiling and laughing so much. But he also felt a selfish gnaw of bitterness - the whole night was rushing by and he just didn’t seem to find a good enough moment to steal Remus away and tell him about all that time he had indeed spent thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

“Hey…” A soft voice startled him out of his daydreaming and Lily sat down on the other armrest of the same chair. “Those two boys were fighting over this,” she lifted the same book that Remus had gotten rid of earlier that night, “but...I don’t think they wanted to have it, I think they were both trying to get rid of it… Anyway,” Lily shook her head, relaxing her frown. “It says ‘To Remus, with love, Aunt Davina’ right here, on the title page,” she held up the open book.

A genuinely tickled chuckle escaped Sirius’ lips. “Evans, I don’t think he’s interested in charming witches.”

“You don’t? Oh, okay. Good. I mean, this is pure rubbish, anyway…” Lily tossed the book straight into the fireplace, causing a little cloud of ash to rise up.

Sirius looked at her with a curious smile, quirking an eyebrow at the unexpected act of delinquency. “I always thought you were a bit of a prissy know-it-all, Evans, but just in the last few months you managed to completely shatter that image in my eyes.”

“Charming.”

“That was a compliment.”

“Explains why you’re single.”

“How dare you,” Sirius let out a dramatic gasp, making Lily laugh.

“Alright, I shall leave you to it then,” she said, getting up.

“To what, Evans?” 

“To lovingly gazing at Remus, of course,” she flashed Sirius a grin before disappearing on the other side of the common room.

He started drowning in his thoughts, almost immediately, his eyes landing on Remus once again, catching his beaming eyes dart away just then. The past couple of weeks had been so different, so impalpably lovelier than the ones before. Sirius had noticed Remus flirting back a lot more readily and sitting a lot closer than necessary. There were so many other, smaller things that excited Sirius and made him feel giddy with possibilities. And he knew - he had known for a while - that he needed to tell Remus how he felt about him. He needed to tell Remus he was in love with him.

[aromanticchair]

Coming Out

Sirius realized he was gay when he was twelve. It just made sense to him, girls were cute, sure, but he'd much rather play around with boys and stare at them in the Great Hall. He remembered going to the Quidditch tryouts and getting flustered while in the locker room.

It took a while for him to accept himself. He knew his family would disown him if they knew, kick him out immediately if he was lucky. He couldn't let them find out, because worst case scenario ... He didn't want to think about it.

He wanted to tell his best friends. He wanted to be honest and comfortable with the marauders, and almost 2 years after coming to terms with his sexuality, he did.

The first few tries he got cold feet. Either they were in a public space, they were interrupted, or he just felt too anxious to do it.

He got tired of waiting for the right moment, and became ashamed of being so scared. He should just say it.

They were in the boys' bedroom trying to catch a chocolate frog Peter had let out. James was a mess, shirt unbuttoned and wand in his back pocket, Remus was laughing at them while sitting alone on his bed, and Peter was running with James trying to catch the damn animal. Chocolate? Sweet? Sirius shook away those idiot thoughts: "Now's not the time to think of the appropriate name for a magical chocolate frog you eat."

Peter caught the frog in his hands a few feet away from Sirius, who was standing in the doorway awkwardly.

"Padfoot? You ok-"

"I'm gay."

The chocolate frog fell from his hands and leapt out of the room. He probably couldn't handle the tension between the four boys.

James chuckled "Nice one, Pads."

Peter laughed along nervously but Remus didn't; he furrowed his eyebrows and stayed quiet.

"I-it's not a joke" Sirius sucked in a breath trying to get his heartbeat to slow down "I really am gay."

"Oh" James said, taking steps backward, sitting on the nearest bed, facing Sirius.

"Do you ... You know ... Look at us when we're changing or something?" Peter asked quietly.

"Peter! What the f*ck!" Remus shouted "You're being f*cking rude!"

Sirius eyes shot wide and he let out a small whimper. His heart felt heavy and it actually hurt. He felt the need to cry, but you couldn't call yourself a Black if you weren't able to mask your pain and hold back tears.

James started buttoning up his shirt, maybe unconsciously, but he did it and that's what mattered to Sirius.

"I just thought you should know, but I never thought you'd act this way." He said, shifting his stance, leaning on his left leg instead of the right one.

"Sirius, we're sorry, we were just surprised" James said standing up "I just had never thought you would be a f*ggot."

Sirius's lips quivered and he felt like he was back at home. Face facing the floor, his mother's words stinging him and her hands hurting him.

He had never thought his best friend would hurt him like that.

Sirius left, leaving a confused James by the doorframe, that is until Remus pushed him to the ground, standing above him.

"Bloody hell, what was that for?" asked Potter.

"You're one of my best friends, mate" Remus pointed his finger at the boy in the floor "but you're being a cunt. He likes guys, so what? Get over yourself."

James was left embarrassed and ashamed on the floor while Remus went after Sirius.

"We were kind of cunts, weren't we, Wormtail?" James asked Peter.

"I don't get it, can't he just like girls? It's easier for him and for us" he said, helping James to stand up.

"I don't know, but maybe we should ask him before ... Accusing him of anything. Let's just give him time to calm down."

They nodded to each other.

(~)

Remus went after Sirius who was fully sobbing, pulling at the roots of his hair. He couldn't let him leave like that, thinking all his friends were stupid homophobes. They weren't. James and Peter just didn't know any better, and they would understand, in time.

It still didn't diminish Remus's anger any less.

"Sirius, wait."

Sirius stopped outside the Fat Lady's portrait, who luckily was empty. His back faced Remus, and his shoulders were jumping up and down as Sirius sniffled and tried not to cry.

Remus put a hand on his shoulder "They're idiots who didn't know what they were saying. You know them, they'll come around. James and Peter are good people."

Sirius nodded, still facing away from Lupin.

"You were really brave, Padfoot. People usually think Gryffindors are all about being wild, starting fights and saying comebacks to teachers" he chuckled in hope Sirius would too "but what you just did was the bravest thing I've ever seen."

Sirius's shoulders were finally resting still and his breathing was even again. He let go of his hair, brushing his hands against his legs.

"I'm bisexual, by the way."

Sirius turned around to face him, shock written across his whole face.

"I don't have the guts to do what you just did. Come out to the most important people in my life, all at the same time. Not yet. But the fact that you did makes me wanna follow after. So thank you."

Sirius was speechless. He just stared at Remus who stood awkwardly in front of him, scratching his arm with the hand that was previously on his shoulder.

He looked into Sirius's eyes "You're not alone."

Sirius had never been quiet for that long in the presence of his friends. But this time he knew he didn't need to say anything. He stepped forward and hugged Remus, resting his head against his shoulder.

Remus wasn't the biggest fan of physical affection, but he didn't hesitate to throw his own arms around the boy's back and squeeze him back.

Maybe that was when they started falling for each other, the point they would look back upon while thinking of when it all started.

But at the time, they were just best friends supporting each other. They were braver at that one moment than some people are in their lifetimes. They didn't talk nor did they kiss, they just needed a reminder that they weren't alone, they were ok the way they were, and they loved each other, and so did their friends.

[embrassemoi]

(1/5) Ugh walburga and orion... can someone send them to azkaban or maybe hex them? Or, i don't know, punch them in the face muggle way? Admittedly, I always imagined that they would be softer towards regulus, bc of the way sirius talk about them in the ootp but I actually liked this interpretation, where things became diffrent for regulus after he became the heir of the family. I like reading about him, we already know he will become a deatheater but I can't wait to see how and why he will go

Whenever I think about Regulus' home life, I 100% believe that Regulus is the golden child. Orion and Walburga love him, but they won't hesitate to do things to keep him 'in line' whenever they feel like he's not listening or 'losing' focus. He's held to an incredibly high standard now that Sirius is gone, I think that perpetuates a lot of wrath from his parents If he ever disagreed with them. But yeah, I think they're soft for him too.

(2/5) down that path? Is it because he belives in blood purity (he is friends with mc but snape was friends with lily and we all know what happend), is it because his family forces him to? His friendship with mc is an interesting one as well and now that mc knows about his family's stance on blood purity, I'm wondering what this will mean for them. I kinda agree with james on his warning. Also james asking regulus to move in with them and refusing to reveal sirius' secrets even though they are

(3/5) no longer friends was great. I think prankster james is great but seeing his more serious side during time of hardships adds a whole new layer to him and you can see how he will go from idiot teenager to great man everybody talks about in the books. Okay moving on, Sirius' situation broke my heart again. I know they have every right to be mad at him but... ugh I can't help it. Part of me wants them to make up immediately since they will die/go to prison/live as a rat/live in isolation in a

James' arch is happening! Ngl, it's been tricky planning and writing how he's going to change but I think so far it’s working out so I’m not worried.

LMFAO I FEEL SO BAD FOR SIRIUS. I'm torturing that poor man.

(4/5) couple of years. I just want them to be happy while they can. Speaking of fighting, lily!!! I know she feels heartbroken but also I feel so sorry for mc, she thinks she lost a friend and even compared their situation to her mother isolating her (in the previous chapter). I know it's hard for her now but I'm pretty sure she will be happy when she is in a loving relationship with james while mc, sirius and remus suffer in an angsty love triangle (evil laughter). Also what's going on with

I've stated this before so don't consider it a spoiler, but yeah. James and Lily will end up together no matter what. I know a lot of my readers are kind of iffy about her feelings towards the MC (because they want Jily) but since I wrote her as a bisexual/unlabelled women, I want to explore that a bit before she's with James. She's just a young teenager with feelings for someone else that isn't returned. Everyone goes through it and in Lily's case, it's hitting harder because the MC is not only one of her best friends, they share the same dorm, always around each other, but she's also a girl! It would be scary as fuck! she may not even feel valid in her sexuality!

And I was trying to write in mind that Lily and MC are still clearly friends but the MC is kinda just done at the moment. She's just confused, angry because well, didn't they just go through something similar a couple months ago? But this time, there's ‘seemingly’ no reason as to why Lily’s acting the way she it.

And omg... you don't understand how exciting I am to write the angst between Remus and Sirius over the MC. PLEASE, I WANT THE ROMANCE TO HAPPEN NOW! ANGST NOW PLEASE!

(5/5) Marlene? Why did she sounded jealous when she was talking about how lily and mc are inseparable. Did she have a crush on lily before? In an earlier chapter she looked hurt after lily moved towards mc when marlene tried to wake her up. Or maybe she feels like mc stole her friend? I don't think she had feelings for mc bc she encouraged her to go after sirius (but lily did a similar thing too). But still, I love her and dorcas together and also how marlene is a sister for younger students -🌸

also, not a spoiler: Marlene does not have feelings for the MC or Lily. her actions will be explained at a later time. Probably sometime soon.

And ugh her and dorcas :D and Marlene having a soft spot for children! like I also imagined Marlene to be like a mixture of James, Sirius and can be 'mean' sometimes but she's a softie around kids.