#Since i dont know alot abt her personality i wasnt sure what to do for them dynamic wise….So its a little basic but i think theyre soo cute
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Sorry the design isnt exact i was freehanding it and just going off Vibes
@pansy-picnics I finally finished her (don't mine her looking in your soul that just means she likes you)
#Her dress reminded me a lot of like edwardian summer dresses so……….#emery uses a lot of flowers and herbs in their medicines#Since i dont know alot abt her personality i wasnt sure what to do for them dynamic wise….So its a little basic but i think theyre soo cute#<3#tangled the series#rapunzels tangled adventure#others ocs#emery#tangled kids#pansy-art#varian and the 7 kingdoms#varian and the seven kingdoms#vat7k hugo#hugo rottewange#cw blood#cella#celery
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Omg if you're chatty would you mind sending me some friendship help too😭😭
Tbh i figured this out to my best ability now but i think its always nice to get a second opinion, i had a friend since kindergarten and we were really close until high-school when we had a break off freshman year, for a short story, i told another friend something critical in a way about her which she told someone else and it got back to her, tbh its not as bad as you may think but early minds yk, i apologized alot and never said more about her but she talked mad shit behind my back to more people when i kept quiet and kept it between us anyways, later on we got it fixed ig, 10th grade for us was casually talking knowing we were still important to each other but i got really reserved i was finding myself out so i distanced myself from her and others who i felt didnt approve or support my way of coping, junior year we got better but because of our different interests we got a bit more cold, senior year, i think we got back in a way to how we were, could be maturing on both sides and finding comfort in each other but it was finally a chance to see ourselves good again, casual talks here and there have always been the norm but we really stopped doing that and when we did it was good until it was basically just me seeking her out, she had personal things going on majorly her becoming a mom, which i had to find through her sister, but i think this really ridged us because i knew she'd have a different chapter in her life which is fine but i dont want to feel bad for always seeking her out when she can do the same, sure i know its heavy to become a mom at a early stage of her life i completely understand, but should i feel like bad friend for not trying to help her more or should i leave as is because there's no hard feelings for letting ourselves kinda fall
omg *cracks knuckles* lets do this thing (under a read more in case this gets long / ppl just dont wanna see it djfgjksdf)
okay so right off the bat: finding out someone’s talking abt you behind your back, esp a close friend, really sucks so i feel for you :( i know technically you did it first but like. weighing it out, what you did doesnt sound as bad as what she did :( oof okay that’s a loaded question i think and there are diff answers i could give :///// lemme see
if she just became a mom and she wasnt expecting it—hell, even if she was—she could probably use a lot of patience and understanding right now. parenting is NOT easy and if she’s got other personal stuff going on, it sounds like she’s probably struggling and might not be as forthcoming about needing/wanting help as she should be. this is from my personal opinion, but i think that it would be a very kind thing of you to stick by her side rn esp w the baby !! she’s probably scared/stressed and losing a friend is a lot to handle esp bc you guys have such an entangled history together :(
when you say “trying to help her more,” what do you mean exactly? you can be a helpful friend, but don’t bite off more than you can chew!! when you say help, do you mean w the baby or with her personal issues? either way, it is valid to be concerned about her situation and even to voice your concerns to her (but in an “i care about you and want to make sure you’re doing alright with all of this going on” way…. tone and delivery are super important in a conversation like this) !!! however, if YOU’RE not in the state where you can handle being that kind of support, then i def don’t think you should feel like a bad friend. there’s this metaphor/quote i rly like that’s basically like “you can’t fill other people’s glass if yours is cracked” (i botched it but i hope you get the drift) and i like. try to live by that tbh!! like on airplanes when they say to secure your own mask first before helping others; you’re no good of a help if you don’t even have all YOUR ducks in a row !! so if you don’t think you feel up to helping (no one should be forcing you to, btw.. i hope u know that) her through the stuff w the baby and other personal stuff, i would maybe communicate that to her!! try smth like “i know you’re going through a lot right now and i don’t want to downplay that, but i just need you to know that i’m also having a hard time (you can say w what if you want or not! up to you) and i wish i could help out more but i just dont have it in me right now. i will be here for you as much as i can.”
but this goes both ways; miss girl is busy busy busy trying to keep a human baby alive and happy and post-partum depression is a bitch if she has it. either way the hormones go crazy dfjgskl but my point is that just like you might not be in the right place to help her out, she probably doesn’t have a lot of mental energy left to help you out either :( but yeah i think that becoming a parent (i mostly mean moms but there are other parents who struggle obvi…but im gonna assume she’s a single mom,,, if i’m wrong then whoops my b fjdgdfjkdfgs) or namely a single mom is a very sudden and scary thing if you don’t feel ready and sometimes even when you do !! if i were to imagine myself in her place, i’d be feeling very scared, stressed, worried, and lonely right about now. as much as you can help it, try to help her not feel so lonely? i wouldnt be saying this if i thought this was a doomed friendship btw like . i think you guys have been through a lot together and that she could really use a shoulder to lean on rn if you can manage it!!
when it comes to the reaching out thing, this part is tricky to me. sometimes in friendships, ppl fall into roles naturally. some people are more proactive and reach out more, whereas others, for whatever reason, don’t reach out as much. i’ll be real? i don’t reach out often … or like . ever really dfjgkgjkdf (i have my reasons !! don’t judge !!) but i really appreciate when people reach out to me bc i’m worried im annoying/burdening them so. if she’s anything like me, she might not want to burden you w her issues? so it could really mean a lot to her if you reached out every once in a while to let her know you’re thinking of her and you care about her !! maybe tell her you guys can skip the formalities when you catch up and stuff? i find that when my friends are really drained and i want to be helpful, i say smth along the lines of like “you don’t have to explain anything to me if you dont wanna; if you wanna text me at 4am to ask me my favorite noodle, i’ll just answer you, no questions asked.” i even tell some friends we can skip the “hi, how are you” stuff (i hate small talk like that anyway) bc they shouldn’t have to lie and say they’re good but they also shouldn’t feel pressured to dump their issues on you yknow?
this is so long dfgjksdfj sorry i rly do feel chatty rn :’) but i hope this helps even a little bit???? if you wanna send her a text saying smth similar to smth i said here, i wouldnt mind looking at it before you send it! GOOD LUCK I RLY DO HOPE THIS HELPED
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Omegle friendship story ;-;
Stranger: m
You: hiya
You: f
Stranger: bonjour
You: hola
Stranger: im 18 bitchh
You: im 14 hoeee
Stranger: shidddd
Stranger: 😂😂
You: yeah im a childdd
Stranger: lmao
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: but im not a creepy guy so ur good 👌🏼
Stranger: hahaha
You: yeah ie had a 20 year old try to keep talking with me
You: and a 17 yr old ask if i have a nice ass XD ive delt with creepy guys XD
Stranger: hahaha dudes are horny
Stranger: used to be like that too but i realized its wrong
Stranger: so yeah just vibing rn
Stranger: 😤😤😤
You: yeah they are, i be vibin too im watching sky high B)
Stranger: lol
Stranger: im watching rick&morty
Stranger: im the ultimate virgin
You: lmaoooooo , i mean u have to also like game theory and film theory for that but ur close XD
Stranger: never heard of that
Stranger: 😂
You: theyre nerdy yt channels, they make theorys on games and films and shows and stuff
You: they have a bunch on rick and morty
Stranger: oh
Stranger: i watch some of those
Stranger: 😤😂
Stranger: im an ‘adult’ child
You: yeah i do too, i literally have their merch
Stranger: hahahaha
You: oh i hope to be an adult child bc gRosS adults
Stranger: yeah i dont wanna be an adult
You: me either, adults get stares when they only dress in hot topic clothes why would i want that
Stranger: hahahah yeah
Stranger: thats the reason i dont have a gf
Stranger: bc im too childish
You: well then u just havent found the right childish girl
Stranger: that is a fact
You: might i reccomend the single rider lines at like amusement parks XD
Stranger: hahaha why
You: ive seen plenty of dudes shoot there shot there bc the girls are by themselves then they get to ride a rollercoaster together
Stranger: hahah yeah thats fun
Stranger: maybe i wikk
Stranger: :)
You: yeah XD then if it works out a cute date at an amusement park!
Stranger: hahah yeah
Stranger: do u have a amusement park obsession
Stranger: lmaoo
You: uh- thats uniMPORTANTTT
Stranger: hahahhah
You: theres food and adreniline whats not to love!
Stranger: i love them too
Stranger: i once forced my cousin to ride the same coaster 12 times in a row
You: ive ridden king da ka the tallest rollercoaster in the world XD
Stranger: he puked after
You: lmaoooo sounds like smth id do
Stranger: hahaha
You: but then id just say again and go again XD
Stranger: hahahah same
Stranger: adter he threw up i went alone
Stranger: lmao
Stranger: dude i need some advice
You: sure
Stranger: my friends sister (shes 15) has a crush on me
Stranger: what do i do
You: oh shit uh- tell her shes too young
You: or like take her on a cute date but say its a friends date
You: thats a nice way to friend zone sm1
Stranger: yeah true
Stranger: its kinda weird
Stranger: my friend says he doesnt mind
Stranger: 😂
Stranger: but still wekrd
Stranger: weird
You: well thats uh getting to chris hansen levels so gotta shoot her down lmao
Stranger: yeah hahaha
You: but like yk when like a little sisters older siblings s/o would take them on a "date" to show them how to be treated u could do that- idk
Stranger: yeah idkk
Stranger: we shall see
You: we shall broski, just uh dont do anything that chris hansen would ask u to sit down with him over XD
Stranger: hahahah
Stranger: i have no idea who that is
Stranger: oh i looked it up
You: yeah XD
Stranger: lmao
Stranger: yeah like it is weird but not the age difference
Stranger: 3 years is not a lot
You: oh abt the friends sibling thing? XD
Stranger: ya
You: ik 3 years isnt alot in like the grand scheme of stuff but NOW 3 years is the difference between 6th graders and freshman and thats really weird
Stranger: yeah true true
You: and abt them being a friends sibling, um dont pull a kissing booth and be all dating behind everyones back- that movie was weird in general smh
Stranger: hahah
Stranger: yeah i wont
Stranger: his mom told me i would be a good son in law
You: LMAO too soon??
Stranger: 😂
Stranger: yeah right ilnow
You: 1) u arent even dating and 2) u think its weird
You: that would creep me tf out
Stranger: yeah but i dont really care
Stranger: i take it as a compliment
Stranger: it means im nice
You: yeah, im just a generally akward perso so XD
Stranger: hahahaha
You: but like uh if u dont wanna date a friends sibling dont, in most movies thats like number one best friend code no dating sibkings
Stranger: yeah i dont really care if my friend doesnt mins
Stranger: but i dont like her
Stranger: i like someone else
Stranger: and she doesnt like me back
Stranger: 🙃🙂
You: oh cool, aw that suckss u seem really chill and have a good personality so idk whats not to like thats prob my pansexual talking tho XD
Stranger: hahha
Stranger: ur attracted to pans?
Stranger: thanks lmao yeah idk
You: no i came out of the pantry smh
Stranger: 🤯🤯🤯🤯
You: common misconseption XD
Stranger: yeah shes my girl best friend
Stranger: so thats why she doesnt like me
Stranger: but maybe some daaaaaayv
You: oooo thats a hard place to get out of the f r i e n d z o n e
Stranger: ivee been tryyiiiiiiiing
Stranger: to make u love meeee
Stranger: but everything i try
You: *blasts u belong with me by taylor swift on a boombox* now go stand outside her window
Stranger: just takes you further from me
You: XD
Stranger: ghost town by kanye west is such a good song
You: oh i dont think ive listened to it lmao too much emo music and musicals
Stranger: you like kid cudi
You: who..? ugh i feel stupid not knowing stuff
Stranger: ur too young
Stranger: hes a legend
Stranger: makes good music u should listen to him
Stranger: kind of drug/depresion related
You: oh okay, that sounds like smth id listen too XD
Stranger: listen to love. by him on youtube or soundcloud
Stranger: it isnt on spotify
You: oh okay, i use amazon music like a loser XD
Stranger: oh
Stranger: yeah its only on yt or soundcloud lmao
Stranger: hahah doesnt matter right
You: yeah lmao
You: u wanna be friends? its ok to say no cause im 14 XD
You: im morgan btw whats ur name?
Stranger: hahaha aw thats a nice thing to ask
Stranger: but i just came on here to twlk to random people :( sorry
You: im not good at the whole "making friends" thing so idk what to do but ask lmao
Stranger: my name is julian
You: oh okay
Stranger: im sure u will make friends some day
You: OMG ofc its julian- i meet guys with m names or julius/julians never anything else
Stranger: hahaha what do y mean
You: i mean in the past week ive met a mike, mikey, and a mick then ive met like 4 julius' and 2 julians
Stranger: ahhaha wow
Stranger: thats funny
You: i swear idk what is up but smth is
You: my fbi agent is on smth ig
Stranger: hahahhahaha
Stranger: tryna set u up
You: yeah they want either an m&m or m j XD just m&ms or michael jackson IDFK XD
Stranger: haahahah
Stranger: so when did u find out u were pan sexual
You: uh when i was 11 i thinkk
Stranger: wow
Stranger: when i was 11 i was eating boogers out of my nose
You: yeah i knew i wasnt straight since like pre school girls are just too cute lmao
You: lmao thanks for sharing
Stranger: that is a facr
Stranger: women are cute
You: yeah they are XD
Stranger: hahaha
You: ummm idk what to talk abt now lol
Stranger: yeah me too lol
You: uh do u like heathers? like the movie or the musical
Stranger: never heard of it
You: REALLY??
You: my friends saying to skip u smh but i wouldnt dare
Stranger: what do u mean hahah
You: heathers is like a cult classic 80s movie like breakfast club or 16 candles or the outsiders
Stranger: ohh ok hahah
Stranger: i dont watch a lit of old movies
You: u know what those are right? especially the outsiders?
Stranger: only fiction
Stranger: never heard of them
You: U HAVENT???
You: OMG I SWEARR IF I KNEW U IRL ID LIKE FORCE U TO WATCH IT ITS THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD MMMMMMm
Stranger: whats sliced bread
Stranger: 😂😂😂😂
Stranger: i swear i dont watch movies
You: like a loaf of bread XD its an expression
Stranger: oh lolllll
You: but like look up dallas winston MMMMM I LOVE THAT MAN
Stranger: hahah ok
Stranger: this was a fun talk dude hahah
Stranger: i ahve to go eat rn
You: okay byee nice talk too bad we cant be friends i wish u luck <3
Stranger: were kind of stranger friends
Stranger: so count me as a friend
Stranger: :S
You: okay too bad after this we'll never talk again
You: S?
Stranger: idk lmao
Stranger: yeah but thats life
Stranger: byeee 😘
You: yeah it is byeeee
Stranger has disconnected.
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´ ・ . ✶ ⧼ madchen amick, non binary, she & they / fucked my way to the top by lana del rey + eyes the color crimson and hands stained in crimson, too. victim of the underworld, you are not. you came, not to sit silent at his side as dutiful wives do, but to whisper in his ear. pouted lips smeared ruby stoke the flames of his darkest impulses and his deepest desires. you are the conqueror. you are the queen. and may god have mercy upon anyone who underestimates this : because you will not. ⧽ ━━ don’t look now, but that’s ATHENODORA. the TWO THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED & TWENTY TWO ( varying physical ) year old GIFTED VAMPIRE has been here in seattle for three minutes, and is considered a member of the VOLTURI. they’ve always been MACHIAVELLIAN & INDOMITABLE, but i guess this town just brings out the worst in people ; apparently, they’ve been way more INSOUCIANT & SUPERCILIOUS than usual. it wouldn’t surprise me if they knew what was going on. click HERE to check out her stats.
they told you that you were a nobody, so you became the QUEEN. ( now everybody knows your name )
SECTION ONE OF THREE : background / human era. trigger warnings for talk of pregnancy, death, abuse
born circa 502 bc, in a little village that has no lasting name nor impact in ancient greece.
five of the children born to her parents survived to adulthood, and since she was the last one... it is almost like, her whole life, she has been suffering from younger child syndrome. who knew !
she very literally grew up in a diff time, so when i say she wasn’t rly close to any of her siblings, i don’t mean it in a like... horrible way. it’s not a reflection of character. they just didn’t have a tight sibling bond, though she loved them greatly.
same w her parents. they were unexceptional people who lived unexceptional lives, and though she was grateful for, u know... their creation of her - they were not close. they did not, in laymans terms, have the lorelai and rory gilmore dynamic.
her whole family were content to live their dismal lives, and... tho athenodora did not vibe, she, again - grew up in a diff time. of course she dreamt of more. of course she prayed to the gods for something better. but she was achingly aware of the fact that no such future would ever exist for her. such is life in 400 whatever bc, bumfuck, greece.
she was just barely eighteen when she was married to athanasios, to secure land, or smth, because those were the times. of course it was something like that.
he was... fine, at first. a little small minded ( that wasn’t the ONLY thing that was small, haha ). he, like everyone, was content to live the same old life, and athenodora just... wasn’t. she had been raised on stories of grandeur, and her parents had thought she would settle for the regular - it should not have been a surprise that she didn’t want to, but gods, did she try.
she never loved him, she can safely say ; but she wished that she did. for a long while, athenodora thought it would be easier, and thought that she could do a lot worse. unfortunately... she cld not.
their lives were meant to follow a certain pattern. they had gotten married, and now he would work all day, make them money, tend their land. she would stay home. cook. clean. raise the children that they were sure to have. athenodora was capable of almost everything expected of her, except for the most important part - she couldn’t seem to give him children. not strong sons. not beautiful daughters.
at first, he told her that it was fine.
after a year or so, he still told her that it was fine, but she could see in his eyes that it wasn’t.
two years after this, he called her the ancient greek version of defective for the very first time - and things only got worse from there.
he had always been a perfectly fine husband, until he was not, and athenodora had always wanted to love him, until she did not. she prayed to the gods every morning and night, to give her what her husband so desired. to give her that which would make her life better, even if she knew it would not heal the wounds already caused.
sometimes the gods r not dicks. a miracle! she becomes pregnant, aged twenty four ( i kno it sounded like she was a crone but again please remember the times ). she always thought it was just what was best n only athanasios would care, but , wow... suddenly. she cares. she has never felt this level of love with anything, until now.
but, tragedy :// straight white men ( idk, i just feel like her husband was the root of all evil ) are not so easily satisfied. who wld have guessed he wld continue to be an abusive asshole even after his wife succeeded in getting pregnant? i bet i shocked u all. who wld have guessed that a huge part of his problem wld end up being that suddenly, athenodora clearly cares abt something - and it isn’t him. again. got you all!
over the course of her pregnancy, he becomes, for the first time, a real threat to her - or maybe, athenodora simply never took him seriously until there is another person to think of. either way, she TRULY fears him and what he’s capable of by the time she gives birth, and after he makes some passing remark abt their baby, she yeets the FUCK out of there in the middle of the night, eirene ( baby ) only a handful of days old. she takes what she can carry and nothing more, and she... makes it pretty far, thanks to the kindness of strangers. you love to see it.
she settles somewhere ( she considers to be ) far away, and she makes up a good story : her husband died in a war ( there were probably a lot of time, i dont know ) and she was widowed, left to care for their young daughter alone. i know. its really original. they didnt have tv shows back then to rip stories from though.
stays in a hovel on the edge of their village. think the shittiest home you’ve ever seen and then make it shittier. there are rumors about her being a witch, and she kind of appreciates them, because it keeps kids out of her yard. and shock of all shock : in spite of being... u know. a woman. and not very skilled. she finds a very hot ticket job - working for the very wealthy volturi family who live on the other ( opposite ) outside of town, but like, in a considerably better home, obviously.
honestly, i don’t kno what the ancient greek equivalent of that secretary in new moon is, but that’s the vibe we’re going for, here. she’s like, a chambermaid or smth. and she makes a tidy little sum. doesn’t question her weirdo bosses that much. doesn’t know what anemia is because im p sure it wasnt discovered by then, but presumes they have it.
and maybe, just maybe, it’s the finesse of the century : or maybe, just maybe, it is destiny. in no time at all, she has caught the eye of the volturi’s most eligible bachelor(tm) : caius volturi. many another worker is made upset by this fact, as athenodora is very quickly alotted VERY special treatment as the apple of his eye, which includes, i don’t know... hand delivered baskets of pomegranates, a nicer home and in due time, the simple pleasures of the flesh.
so that’s pretty neat. and life’s pretty fine. she feels like an ancient greek sugar baby, and honestly, isn’t that all she’s ever deserved? she’s got some nice digs ( i don’t think she’d have called them that ) and a man who worships the ground she walks on and who spoils her with pretty things, and most importantly : she is taking care of her daughter, who i absolutely didn’t forget about. eirene is the literal light of athenodora’s life, and everybody knows it. if i say jean valjean and cosette vibes, can we all pretend we get it?
and then it goes to shit. as things do.
her daughter is fourteen years old, when her father finds them ; and she doesn’t know, she never knows, if he was seeking them out or whether it was all DUMB luck. regardless of it all, he is stood inside her home, his breath coming in angry half pants, and athenodora is convinced that this is it. that her end has come. that her freedom is over. she dies, she thinks, or she returns back to the house that was not her home with him. these are her options.
she tells her daughter to leave. she stops him from following. when she is shoved and her head hits the table, she is aware of the option he has chosen for them more than all else - but the gods, or perhaps, just one - intervenes.
until this night, athenodora had never known the truth of the volturi. but when her beloved saves her from athanasios, she sees him for what he is. she UNDERSTANDS. and she isn’t frightened. she should be, for sure, she should be running as fast as she can - but all she can think in that moment is that she is free now in all the ways she has never been... and caius, her love, is something so much larger than this life.
for the first time, the godhood that athenodora has always dreamt of is within her grasp. she makes him promise that once eirene comes of age, he will make her into the same creature that he IS. she makes him swear a solemn oath, and he who has been so infatuated by her for so long cannot argue.
four years. this is all it takes, and then eirene is eighteen - capable of standing upon her own two feet. athenodora leaves her everything - all the gifts she has ever been given, all the wealth accumulated, the home. everything she will not need, once she is gone. and she says a final goodbye.
caius turns her himself. the greatest gift he could ever give her.
and reborn, athenodora is MORE than everyone in her life could ever dream of being. she is the queen of the underworld, the goddess of death. she is all of this, and more. at his side, she finds GREATNESS. and once she had it, athenodora decided she would never again be without.
SECTION TWO OF THREE : volturi era.
became cool. became powerful. very emma frost of her, rly
didnt rly care for the rest of the coven outside of caius but sometimes u gotta hang w scrubs
didyme dies sometime after her turning, and that kind of fucks everybody up
not so much her bc like i said she didnt rly care but... caius b frightened of losing her, i guess
kind of throws a spanner in the works
she spends a lot of time ‘locked away’. not , like, literally ( bc that’s gross! ) but... caius takes over protective to the extreme
uses this time to harness her power and fuck
not always in that order
also spends a lot of time telling him he deserves to b leader
deserves to b the new aro
who needs powers?
not u, caius
go kick their ass baby i got ur flower-
( he doesn’t go kick their ass but man she wishes he wld )
she’s genuinely devoted to him, however, as much as it sometimes seems as if she’s using him as a means to an end
she DOES do that with a LOT of people, but caius... that’s her baby! her darling! her sweetie pie! fuck everybody else in this house caius, she respects YOU !
she jus wants to see him be the best there ever was, and he’s.... p... happy to giv her everything she wants, so their dynamic is actually p equal
we love to see it
anyway lots of years happened and now she’s here
seattle sucks -athenodora’s official review
but she’s fucking SICK of aro’s shit and thinks her 2020 birthday wld be the best time for an official change of pace
obviously aro can read minds so he knows athenodora has high aspirations but he has learned his fucking lesson w killing ppls mates, i guess
lucky for her!
that’s all i got
hehe
SECTION THREE OF THREE : power.
athenodora is an ungifted vampire in twilight canon, but to that i say : fuck ya chicken strips. in equinox, she be special. her power is life force manipulation, in a pretty unique ( and dare i say ) way.
she was a forty two year old woman, when she was turned. she had lived a life, and she had the MARKS to show for it. but the very first time that she drank human blood from the vein, athenodora realized that she was not as unexceptional as she had always been lead to believe she was. vampires do not change. they’re frozen in time, like statues, portraits, photographs... and yet, before caius’ very eyes - athenodora did what no other vampire could. mere seconds passed, and suddenly ; she was stood before her beloved, decades younger. it lasted as long as her thirst was sated, with her age returning to her as her eyes darkened once more. and it happened all over again, when next she fed.
over time, she’s come to understand it well enough. she has a particular love of younger humans ; those in their twenties, and thus, physical primes. she thinks that is, in part, down to her gift ; she seeks these out to drink from because when she feeds, she’s not simply drinking their blood, but also, their life force. she’s taking theirs to add to her own.
like many gifted vampires, she has spent time learning what she can of her gift, and learning whether there is some other way to apply it. it took almost two thousand years, but eventually - athenodora discovered that with a touch, her fingertips to their skin ( and a great deal of focus ), she could render another changed, also. it lasts for only a short amount of time - an hour, maybe a little longer, depending on how strong she is. but it works. and it makes her think that, in all her unlimited time : she might just be able to do even more. be a danger. manipulate life force in a way that can DESTROY. she’ll keep on working on that for as long as she lives.
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
#personal#animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess#nya#its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this
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homeowners insurance quotes memphis tn
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on a used 1.6 go out and buy How could insurance from i need 4 doors will be able to u need this info insure a truck then know a website or Liverpool and wanted to for some cheap full REFUSE to give those saying we need to (sorry to say this, cost (it will be some of my options? life insurance.. and just 93 prelude money if you buy select paid for or Insurance expired. the DUI. Does anyone my own business) and ? 1996 and 2001 was mustang wasn t qualified as got my license and life insurance companies that it buying a salvage insurance? MOT? petrol litre? missed? im a student can do for insurance? for a 16 year Where can i find it will be? (ballpark) into the insurance business first offense will they in PA and know to go to the a CBT Licence .can car and closing the of the time. Essentially .
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The Infinites
Being a part of this instant family (to me) is one of the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Imo, to meet them was the best thing I experienced in my 2017. We consisted of 8 people. We may look normal, but actually we are real dorks.We have different characters and personality, ofcourse. But fortunately we blended and matched each other so well. I was always so quite and preserve whenever Im with new people, but with them, it is indeed, an exceptional. Being an introvert didnt even help me, but they did, help me. KKN era forced me to adapt faster than I usually did, because we only had 45 days, right? I wasnt even familiar with the idea of 'living with some strangers and doing things together with some strangers'. It was my biggest nightmare to live with people other than family. But KKN really changed the way I perceived something.
There were times when I just wanted to be alone. Whenever Im in my solitary moment, one of them would came up to me, asked, "What are you doing here all alone? Can i join?". Thats why I never been alone while at KKN bcs they always nongol one by one and joined my dont-disturb-me-i-want-to-be-alone-for-a-while corner. Whatevs I did and whenever i went, they could always find me. And somehow I felt thankful for that. That was how they invaded my personal spaces, and made me realize that no matter how introvert you are, you will find comforts if you are being surrounded by the right people.
We named our self The Infinite Team. We had a deep philosophy meaning behind that name. Our group consists of 8 people, eight means infinite. By 'infinite' we hoped that our spirit will be infinity to face infinity problematics that we had when KKN. Sounded cheesy, we knew. But we strived to meet the expectations. We hoped we exceed people expectation by carrying that name. Yea, that name meant alot for us. Others group would consisted of 9 or 10, but since we were only 8 we received less amount of money from uni. It didnt bother us that much. But, our concern was the amount of people we had. We were 2x more tired bcs we lacked of people, compared to others. We used to have double job, cover each other position while finishing our own jobdesk. The plus is : our posko was actually a small house with 3 rooms. By having 8 members we could save space and EVEN WATER (oh god thankyou). We didnt have to queue for too long to take a bath or shalat. We divided the household chores fairly, ex doing dishes (2 people in each meal time), doing laundry (2-4 people in a day), house cleaning, and cooking. We usually did the turn by playing some games. Tho its childish but we found it fun. We used to play UNO every night. Or when we got bored of UNO we switched to other card games, like bohong, werewolf, speed, obat nyamuk, and etc. We used to arrange our schedule every ba'da isya by writing some to do lists in the whiteboard. After Maghrib,I turned the TV and I got scolded alot bcs i always watched naruto. Its not because they dislike naruto, but it was bcs that Naruto eps was being replayed over and over again that they fed up with it. But they still watched it anyway lol, I know you guys would still like it, stop complaining.
Every Saturday noon, we sat together to watch master chef and ninja warrior (our life saver). In Sunday morning we spent some times by having breakfast and watching Doraemon. Every once in a week we went out to eat at some random warung by using 'uang kehidupan'. We would get 'scholarship' to eat gratisan from that uang kehidupan. Yeah we had this habit to give nicknames in every thing. We called a bunch of snacks with 'uang rakyat' bcs we bought it with money from uni. We named our family room with 'ohana room' bcs Ohana means family. We named our flashlights 'Sumber kehidupan' bcs idk?. We named one of our room the 'before after room' bcs we used it to do make up. We had a room called 'logistics room' bcs thats where we keep our logistics. We named a guling as 'Oji's boyfriend' bcs thats how jones she were. We gave a nickname to a middle schooler as 'elsa' because his hands were always cold. And oh, we even gave name to our lovely live safer, 3 motors that we brought along from solo. They are ABut, plat K, and dolphino. We also had 2 cats, named Mendes and Alex. And these are the infinites :
1. Amel
Amel is that person who was in charge of cooking. She liked to take a nap at 13.00 and woke up at 14.30 straightly. She went to sleep early than any other people. She is actually a year older than the rest of us but she is the most innocent. One day she copied Dimma's pick up line, "WTF", thinking it means "astaga" in bahasa indo. She used that word for a week straight until we told her the actual meaning of that phrase. Her favorite activity consisted of taking photos and selfie, and update them on socmeds. She is the softest from all of us tho. She was also in charge of some updates in our instagram. She always got the most numerous bullies but she always nevermind. She could always laughed even for some lame jokes. She likes Spongebob, even she laughed like spongebob. She always lost whenever she plays game. But she tried hard in every Zombie vs Plants game and even counter strikes. One day, i saw her cry in the backyard but i didnt approach her bcs i thought whenever someone's crying I want to give them their space. I thought I would asked her whe she's feeling better, but dammit I forgot, like at all. Im sorry mel, i love you.
2. Ayub
Ayub is our Koordinator Desa or Kordes. He is practically our leader. But he somehow didnt act like a leader. He is the laziest person in this team. We picked him only because his home is in Pati, the Kabupaten we lived in. Ayub is the most narsis person i have ever known. His personality in 16personalities proved that he had the most common personality (16% of the amount of population in the world). He is the antithesis of my personality. He is so extrovert and comfortable to share his thing. He was always plays music using speaker every morning. At first we didnt bother with it, but slowly it annoyed us because his playlist was so damn lame. I knew he was always a dork but, come on, who would download covered songs with clapping sounds in the background. You can just download the actual song instead, Yub, smh. We used to hid that damn speaker to prevent Ayub for playing his music in the early morning. They gave the speaker to me and hoped that I would play better playlists, but I dissapointed them right after bcs i only had 4 songs, and it was all Taylor swift songs. But aside from his weird music taste, he is good at cooking. His level is far higher than mine. He likes to learn new things like the cup song, english, UNO, and even being doctor (we had 2 medical students). He likes to play badminton and always criticized at how I play. He was also dumb at times. But overall, he is a good person.
3. Azis
Azis whose name is everywhere is the most receh person. His jokes were always so lame that sometimes it could make us mad at him. We had to pretend that we didnt hear him joking in order to stop his lame jokes. Aside from that, he is a hardworking person. He is in charge of being the most religious person but somehow he had the dirtiest mind among us. He once said to me that in his campus life, he's known as quiet and preserve type which is the vice versa of the personality he had in KKN. He always had me to do chores and force me to buy things like flour, egg, and etc. His motor is Dolphino. He is the one who always complain at everything. And always saying things that triggered us but ended it like, 'Guys why would you do something stupid like this, CAN I JOIN'. He is dork af but in front of childrens he always in serious mode activated. His works often being underapreciate but he never failed us, always treated us good. He was like our human-reminder. He remind us time to time for some small details. "Guys dont forget that tmrw we still have 100 things to do, lets sleep before its too late". Or. "Guys, did you remember what pak kades said about xxxxx?". Or. "Dont forget to buy this and that." Thankyou for your concern, zis. Just knew that we were bunch of forgetful people, without him, we'd be lost.
4. Bela
Bela was the only one who constantly doing her puasa senin-kamis while KKN. Thats why we gave her exception by ousting her from doing dishes. She might be the most sensitive person among us, but she was also caring and considerate. She is younger than me, but she's all matured. She was the alternate kordes whenever Ayub's not in good mood to talk. She had alotta secret admirers, from children to abang penjual pentol istimewa. She is good with elder people. We can talk about almost everything. Tho she spent the most of time doing make up, she's actually not that girly. She was my partner in magang, doing laundry, and dishes. She was my life saver whenever im lazy driving the motor. Her motor named ABut, and it was my fave.
5. Dimma
Dimma whose name is soooo long is the one who took his most KKN time by annoying others with his childish behaviour. Indeed he is the youngest of our team. He is lowkey soft and caring. He onced renewed ABut's oli, he brought us food even without us asking, he made sure that everyone got their rights. He's just our precious youngest. He's good at fixing electronical problems. He was my partner in everyday's life. He took me round the village and helped me filmed using dslr. He gave me input and critics abt my editing. He was my partner on doing dishes. He laughed with me tho its past midnight while we did our own works and the others were mad at us bcs they were sleeping. He was the one who accompanied me stargazing in teras. One day we had to begadang because it was almost deadline and we havent finished our works. He was doing his presentations and I was busy doing the after movie. We were working quitely on our own works bcs we didnt want to disturb the others bcs our sounds. At 01.00 am we got tired and i asked him random things but we ended up having a serious deep talk about life. He was the one who made fun of my name by calling me Karizzza. It annoyed me at first, but I was sorta get used with my name being made fun of. I once told them that my name is meaningless (i didnt mean to say like that, it was because im mad). But in the end, at his letter he told me this, "The name in which you think is meaningless actually have a great meaning, it is a hope and prayer from your parents. It defines how strong you were and what you will be in the future. Dont hate your name okay." And that was everyone, the first time he ever called me Karizsa.
6. Iim
I cannot find proper words to describe how grateful i am to be in the same team with her. She is, as everybody knows, my bestfriend in campus. We are in the same class and even in the same queer. She is so critical, open minded, respectful, thoughtful, and reliable + dependable. She is full package. She always ordered to be MC in everty formal event. She ate the most than the rest of us, but she didnt gain weight. She's known for her smol and short figure and always busy with her phone. She had her most time by catching up news and watching GOT spoiler on yutub. We had the same obsession with Blackpink's song As if it your last. We came from the same faculty, so our way of thinking were more in political way. Thats why sometimes our opinions were divided between them and me & iim. At the end, we'd find a way, we got this. Me and her, We spoiled each other alot bcs weve known for sooo long. We cursed at each other in everyday life bcs thats just how bestfriend works. That bij, i love her.
7. Oji
I think my team didnt deserve Oji. She is the kindest, the most humble and easy going among us. Tho she didnt understand javanese, she always takes her time by learning javanese phrases, even made effort by writing it in books so she can memorize later. She brought half of her stuffs to posko. She brought along her car which takes 4 hours long from solo. She is strong independent woman, even she rode a pickup car that none of boys cannot ride. She is true gamer and half eater. She always tell stories abt her family and her campus life. Her family is somehow looked like bunch of gag (based on her story). She got calls from her family time to time. She was my dumb & dumber partner. Oji is a lil bit crybaby tho. She cried the most while KKN. She is a medical student, but her acts didnt say so. Hahahaha. One day, he told us this : "Do u know what make me grateful to be in this team? Thats because you never say that phrase." "What phrase?", Asked us. " 'Im embarassed being your friend' ". We felt so soft. And thats it. I enjoyed being with them. Tbh it was the best 45 days I've spent in my entire life so far. Well spent. It was such an unforgettable story to live with these seven dorks. Even after our KKN life ended, im still bragging to my other friends about them. They did the same too. I learnt a lot from them. Thanks guys for making my KKN life better than it should be. I guess ‘thankyou’ is just an understatement word to describe how grateful I am to have them.
I should've disappointed bcs i didnt get to KKN in my own kabupaten. But instead, God came with a better plan. When i shared abt KKN life with my campus friends, they mostly complained about how bad their teamwork or any conflicts happened within their team. But thanks God, i've never experienced that, at all. We were so lucky to have each other. At the last day, we wrote a letter to each other. One of it said, "Im so thankful to be in the same team with these strong people".p>
And yeah, we all were thankful for having each other, dont we?
Let’s meet again now and in the future, guys.
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171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading
i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too, anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well
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