#Silliness aside thank you for your patience. I'm going to do my best to write more often again

[yeleltaan]

// Hello everyone! It’s been some time since my previous post, and a lot has happened since then. As usual I was busy with the end of the semester, which made it difficult to pick up the pace with writing again.

I’ve written that last sentence dozens of times, which is why I started going to a psychologist last year to figure out how to best deal with my stress during studies and exams, as well as my trouble focusing, both of which prevent me from engaging in my hobbies.

Well, one thing led to another, and as I’ve recently found out, I have ADHD!

Needless to say it’s put a lot of things into perspective. I don’t want to get into it too much, but I’ll just say that it’s been a really positive experience getting to better understand why I feel and act the way I do, and what I can do to handle it better. Not to mention extremely relieving and vindicating in relation to things I really didn’t understand and had been growing really frustrated with over the years.

Between this, getting closer to the end of studies and getting an internship, it’s been a time of big news for me and a feeling of change. I’ll be working during the Summer, but my schedule does leave plenty time to spend on my hobbies without getting distracted by studies.

Now, I can’t say how I’ll be feeling later on, but I’m excited about this change. I want to make the most of this and bring back a habit of writing, even if at a relaxed pace, plus I’ve been playing Elden Ring (haven’t reached the DLC though- so don’t worry, I won’t be discussing spoiler territory here for the time being) and it’s been great inspiration.

I hope we’ll be seeing each other a lot more often in the near future. Take care and may the coming days treat you well!

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

I’m newer to tumblr but an Arcana Veteran so coming across your account is a blessing 😭 your hcs are really good and I look forward to your posts!! I had an idea that I never executed on my own and i thought I might as well share it, so here goes nothing 😋

How would the M6 react to MC changing something drastic about themselves?

To be more specific, say MC always had long hair, more of a coolheaded attitude, or were always quiet and polite. And then out of the blue they’re shutting everyone out, slowly erasing almost every trace of their presence and being off the radar for a few months.

The LIs are worried because not a single soul has seen them. And then they suddenly return, and it’s like a new person, but very obviously still themselves. Shorter hair or other physical differences, soft-spoken personality, etc. But they come back to the M6 regretfully, never saying what *did* happen.

Assuming what they had was some strive for change, depression, or something else, it may be hard to explain to their dearest, but they eventually will. All they want is to be home.

just a silly idea of mine ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ



The Arcana HCs: M6 when MC changes without them

~ thanks for the ask @vegaspng! Sorry it took me so long to get around to but here it is. I'm writing this to be similar to what it's like in the recovery stages of PTSD or chronic depression, because I live for that kind of bittersweet hope. To anyone experiencing ot hoping to experience this, best of luck! You're not alone! - brainrot ~

- a little backstory-

The Devil is defeated. Vesuvia is safe. And your loved ones are building a new life with you that promises to be better than anything you can remember. Which is why you have to leave.

You've learned so much about yourself, your past, even the body you have now, and you're not sure what to do with it yet. That aside, you took on responsibilities and accomplishments the likes of which no single person could reasonably hope to carry, and you pulled it off. You didn't have to do it alone either. But now that things are going back to normal, you're stuck drifting in your own brain because you have no idea what normal is supposed to be like.

Your beloved has been wonderful. They've shown more patience than you ever asked for, listening to you process for hours and doing their best to help. You've worked through who you were after being brought back from the dead, you've worked through who you became through your fight against the devil, but you still know nothing of who you started out as. Which means you're not sure who you're supposed to be now. And you don't want to build a new life without knowing who you're building it for.

So one fine morning, you pack a bag, arrange for your absence, and kiss your beloved goodbye with the promise to return.

The journey is difficult, but rewarding. You travel across realms both magical and human, collecting traces of your past and encountering moments of who you used to be. You don't recover all of your memories, but you get the important ones. You find out who you used to be. It's less than you thought, but it's more than you had, and it's enough to move forward. So you set your sights for home and return to Vesuvia.

Your loved one is overjoyed when you return. They have a little adjusting to do, you have some mannerisms you didn't used to and they can't predict your behavior in the same way. But they're quick to recognize that it's all still you. Slowly, they get to know all the pieces you're building yourself with and fall in love with each one. And as time goes on, you get to hear about the whole thing from their point of view as well. What was it like for them, when you left? And what does life look like now that you're back?

Julian

The hardest part of you leaving was trying not to take it as a rejection of his love for you

He knows in his head why you need to do this, hell, the reason he ended up in Vesuvia was because he needed his own journey of self discovery

He just has to fight off his own inner demons telling him that you're going to realize you're better off without him and not come back

Which, for someone who found the drive to keep his own life because it had you it, can be quite the struggle

And because he's actually quite intelligent, he recognizes that it's not good to stay dependent on you to be his sole purpose in life. That's not your responsibility to carry

So he keeps faith in your promise to return, and puts all of his energy into becoming a better man for you to come home to

He spends time with Portia, getting to know her as an adult and becoming the kind of brother she says she wants and not what he assumes she needs

He seeks out time with Nazali so he can continue his medical studies and get more mentoring

He reconnects with Nadia and puts his knowledge of public hygiene to use with her plans for Vesuvia

He even manages to build a healthy friendship with Asra (who also misses you) and resolve their past toxic situationship

It's not easy, but he wakes up every morning a little more ready to face the day

When you come home, he's over the moon. Nothing and nobody can replace the happiness you bring him

He notices your changes right away, but he's too relieved to know that you actually came back to focus on them

Once you're settled back in with him and it's more apparent, he has a raging battle of opinions in his head about whether he should ask you about it or wait

He ends up asking you extremely vague, open-ended questions just in case you want to talk about it, but not letting himself pry

As time passes, he gets to know more of who you are and you begin to tell him some of the things that happened on your trip

He's fascinated, asking questions whenever you're in the headspace to answer them and connecting dots with you

He's never had the zest for life that he does now. Every night that he goes to bed with you, he's already looking forward to what the next morning will bring

And the best part? So do you. The future has never so been so desirable as it is now

Asra

They completely understand where you are coming from. In fact, they were the one who suggested the trip

He didn't suggest you going by yourself though

In the end what they care about more than anything is your happiness and wellbeing. So they'll give you every piece of advice and connection and helpful item they have, and promise to watch the shop while you're gone

But oh, he misses you desperately

When they gave up half their heart, it was in the form of their ability to have connections with other people. You being in their life covers for that

The only person he had a strong connection with before you was Muriel. And when you died, he went into the darkest, most twisted headspace he'd ever been in and did things he couldn't later comprehend

Their decision to bring you back, and the way they did it, is something you two have talked about once or twice, but there isn't much else to do besides try to forgive them and make sure it doesn't happen again

But this time, you're not alone. Which means he isn't either

Every day for the next week, someone new drops by the shop at your request to check on them

First it's his parents. Then it's Nadia. Muriel. Julian. Portia. Selasi, the baker. Natiqa on her way through town. Even Lucio at one point, with an apology letter that took months to help him write

Every time they feel like packing up and taking off until you return, they remember their promise to stick it out for you

And slowly, he begins to stay for other people too. It doesn't hit him until one month in that for the first time in his life, he's a part of a community because he's wanted there and wants to be there, not because he's with you

You're still their anchor, but now they have ties apart from you that give them a semblance of home, family, and belonging

The moment you return he's dropping everything. He will maintain some form of physical contact with you for the next 48 hours

They're one of the only people who remembers you before the plague, and seeing glimpses of that in who you are now makes them so proud and happy for you

You don't have to tell him everything right away. Though he is going to apologize profusely for every time he left you for a long trip with nothing to do but watch the shop and wait for his return

For every piece and memory you're ready to talk about, they will give you their undivided attention and then lavish the new discovery with all the affection they have

Nadia

She's torn. On one hand, her greatest joy is providing for you, so seeing the way you have an unmet need and can't come to her to fix it is hard for her

On the other hand, she perfectly understands the need to get away from it all to find yourself

And she's perfectly aware of how dominant her personality can be. You having access to your own space is very important to her

So she'll make sure you have everything you need and offer every available resource to you, and let you go

It's hard at first. You had been the one to wake her from her sleep, you had been the one to bring back her faith in herself

So without you around, her old insecurities begin to resurface. She didn't grow up in Vesuvia. She wasn't even the active ruler until several months ago

There were literal demons serving as her courtiers and she didn't do anything about them until you called them out

How is she supposed to speak with confidence if she doesn't have you to back her up?

And that's when, slowly, people start to drop by, and she's finally ready to accept their support

First it's Portia. Then it's Asra. Even Muriel drops by briefly. Julian makes a couple of calls as well

And then, it's her sisters

First it's Natiqa, crashing her lonely dinners and making her laugh with her wisecracks

Then it's Nasmira, quietly sweet talking the more stubborn courtiers into compliance

One by one, and never more than two visitors in the palace at a time, each family member stops by, taking their cues from Nadia and being her backup

And little by little, every childhood memory that haunts her gains a new light

She still gets tired of them and feels stifled every now and then, but she doesn't feel alone any more

It soon becomes known that Vesuvia doesn't just have an incredible Countess, their Countess has an army of loving supporters

When you return, she takes the next few days off and trusts her support system to handle the city for a bit

She'll ask questions, but as soon as she senses hesitation she'll give you space

She sees all these new flashes of personality in you, and as much as her heart aches for your trials, it flutters as you become more yourself

She already knew you were a worthy companion, but as you share more and more she's left in awe of who you are

The world is not ready for the power couple you two are going to make

Muriel

He understood what you needed to do right away. Going on a trip in search of his roots was exactly what ended up saving him

And getting to know you in the process was a delightful bonus

But when he realizes you're going alone, he's undeniably hurt. He's not the type to be selfish, but you went with him on his journey. He was vulnerable with you and it brought you two together

So why don't you trust him the same way? Why won't you make space for him in your life the way he did for you?

It's tricky to answer, because he makes a fair point and because he's never asked you for anything like this before

You're eventually able to explain the difference, how your trip is about finding out who you are on your own terms, when everything you've gotten so far has been on somebody else's

It's still painful for him, but he'll agree and let you go. He's not afraid of being alone

Until, for the first time in his life, he gets bored and starts wondering if someone's going to come bother him

Which is completely new. He's never had that train of thought before in his life

The closest was when Asra stayed with him and he wouldn't know if they would be back late or not

But now the hut is almost too quiet. The bed is too big. The forest is too peaceful. The eggs are too bland

And so, after two weeks of trying and failing to fall into old habits, he goes into town, grumbling under his breath the whole way

The panic that Asra greets him with when he walks into your old shop is almost enough to make him turn around and leave

Muriel? In town? By himself? Without being summoned? The world must be ending!

When he's finally able to mumble something about just wanting to visit and pick up some spices, Asra shatters a teacup

He's never been the one to surprise them before. It's fun. He could get used to this

And so, visits to Vesuvia get more frequent. Usually to the shop. Often to the palace. Several times to the community theatre, without needing to hide in the rafters

He's so relieved when you get back. You can hold a conversation with other people much better than he can

He notices the changes immediately, but he doesn't address them at all. His only desire concerning you is to be your safe place

He's come to appreciate the beauty of human complexity, so seeing new layers like this in you is heartstopping

You never have to worry about opening up. If you do, he'll accept you. If you don't, he'll accept you. He just loves you for you

Portia

Not gonna lie, it triggered her a little

She knows how this goes. You get tired of your quaint little life, you go off on an adventure without her, and you leave her to rot where she can't reach or help you with letters full of empty apologies

The conversation you facilitate between her and Julian after that rant is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but it's worth it

After things have settled, she lets you leave and holds onto the hope that you'll be back

And while you're gone, she distracts herself with work. She's got boundless energy, she needs to put that to use so she can't think too much

And so begins the craziest three weeks of her life. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep, she does nothing but work

Normally, you're her reason to take a break. You put her back in the main role of her own life so she can let her hair down and live the adventure she's destined for

But without you around, the only role she's used to playing is support. So that's what she does, to the point of completely forgetting about herself

It takes a burnout induced three day fever to make her pause. Especially when she begins to recover and sees the sheer number of worried faces in her cottage

Nadia's spending every free evening with her. Julian's sleeping over most nights. Mazelinka's covering the daytime with her mysteriously perfect soup and brandishing a wooden spoon to keep her in bed

It makes her realize two things. First, that while it looks different, she has her brother's tendency to take on the world's problems to avoid taking care of herself

And second, that you shouldn't have to be the solution to that

It's rough, but she learns self care. Not just an extra step in her skincare, but letting herself do something just for fun. Putting herself first

Learning to sit and do nothing without feeling guilty because nobody can make some kind of profit from it

When you get home though, it's like she can fully relax again. You give her an importance that she has to fight to hold onto otherwise

She has the hardest time giving you space. All the changes you've made are so exciting to her, she wants to hear all about your adventures and growth!

You'll have to tell her plainly that you're not ready to talk about it right away, and she'll be very understanding even if it's hard

Every time you open up, she'll hang on your every word. You two are the main characters in her story, and she can't wait for the plot to develop with you by her side

Lucio

He doesn't make it easy for you to leave

He doesn't mind you going on a trip! Trips are fun! And even when they're serious and scary, like what he had to do with you in the Arcana's realms, they're always better with a loved one!

So why are you trying to go without him? Who's going to protect you?!

And equally important, who's going to be with him?!

He's thoughtless sometimes, but he's not dumb. He knows he's a better man because of you

And he also knows that he's not perfect. Deep down under all that bluster and ego, he's still a kid who never learned to love

You helped him with that. You unraveled every tangled oopsie with him, you didn't flinch when you saw the worst of him, and then you picked up his forgotten heart and filled it up with love

So why else would you be leaving except because you finally realized that he's not worthy of you?

You're able to explain it to some extent. You need to go on a journey similar to his. Only you need to do this by yourself because it isn't about fixing oopsies, it's about finding out who you used to be

He'll let you go because it's what's best for you. And he believes you when you say you'll come back. But what he can't bring himself to tell you is how afraid he is that who you used to be won't be able to love him

When you kiss him goodbye, he resigns himself to it being the last he'll ever get

At first he sulks. He crashes people's parties and picks fights with every bandit he encounters

But when he has the option to get blackout drunk? Take all the goods from the bandits for himself on top of the bounty money?

He can't

You taught him the importance of taking responsibility for his actions. Well, you made him a good man. So you're going to have to take responsibility for that and give him the chance to prove himself worthy of you

Which he does. He wakes up early. He moderates his drinks. He does the jobs he finds. He saves the money he earns

When you get back and fling your arms around him, his knees buckle from relief

He can tell you've changed, but it's okay if you don't want to talk about it. He can tell you all the ways he's changed instead!

If you were worried about his reactions when you do open up, you quickly realize you don't have to be

He doesn't expect you to be perfect. All he wants is for you to be you, for you to be happy, and for him to be the one you choose to do that with

[zara-renata]

I was so so distressed for a few days bc Tumblr would not cooperate and let me find your fics and then it finally relented and I find UPDATES? PLURAL? I'm a dog. I'm crunching my phone between my teeth until its dead.

Part 8 had me equal parts laugh-crying and just staring in anguish. I love love love this portrayal of the MC as it's basically the same way I see them: someone who's always on the go go go from a past they don't remember and an uncertain future, fate on their heels like a slavering hound. Trying so so hard to be good and lawful and not let that grief and rage and uncertainty tear them back down to their base essentials like the cosmic amalgation they are.

Ahem. I love how you write them. And I love the OCs! I cannot SI for the life of me so I see MC and others as OCs. I'm so interesting in the new recruit! Esp reading she has braids, I assumed box braids so I was like "Oh thank goodness MC isn't the only Black person here". Thank you for including them!

And once again I love love love Sylus here. Full of yearning and playful pettiness and utterly devotion and patience (unless beloved MC is demeaning themselves, in which case, NO) and incredibly, incredibly silly. He has so much going on that makes the sensual bits stand out for me bc if he was just that then I'd just read 50 Shades of Gray (I Won't Do That)

And now I just saw there's a Sylus POV of wine night so I'm gonna put that in my mouf TY SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WONDERFUL WRITING!!!

i absolutely, and i mean totally, utterly, love your descriptions of how you express your appreciation for a thing. they're so visceral and perfect, and they are so delightful every single time you comment. you crunching your phone between your teeth is a visual that i can't get enough of i'll be honest.

thank you SO much for reading and sharing your thoughts here. your description of mc is exactly what i'm going for, so it's very nice to hear that mc is coming across the way i want.

and definitely, noah's braids are box braids and i picture her as Black. full disclosure: i'm a dumb white person, but i'm going to do my best to do her justice as a multi-faceted, chaotic puck energy character who gives luke and kieran a run for their money.

And i'm so glad you're still loving sylus. he is such an interesting character, his canon portrayal is so multi-dimensional, and it's really enjoyable exploring many parts of him, aside from just the very obvious sexual appeal😆.

i hope you enjoy the updates!!

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR READING AND YOUR AMAZING FEEDBACK

[owlsbride]

Icha Icha and Prejudice: The Book Club

Chapter III: Who the Hell are Darcy and Wickham

He pondered the gift's weight and size with his hand before opening; apparently, it wasn't to lo long. It seemed to him that Sakura was playing nice with him. She could just choose a book as long as Konoha's history, but instead, she offered him the possibility of reading what? Three or four hundred pages? Definitely, she was becoming softer, ah maturity, she was getting there, and she was doing it in the most perfect ways, suddenly, he was glad that he wasn't that old yet. Actually, he felt like he was in a great moment: young and stronger than any good active shinobi and old enough like to understand life. Yes, perfect timing, but he also reminded himself that the thing with Sakura, was just that, a thing, a flirt. A game they both enjoyed until one day it could be over. But there was no reason to worry about that right now.

Kakashi didn't tear apart the red paper immediately, he took his time to ponder it a bit more while looking for his new cellphone. He hated that devilish device. Since the telephone signals, and with them the damn internet had reached Konoha, they had turned the village into an unstoppable tide of unlimited communications that could occur in the most diverse places. If he went out for a drink with Genma, for example, the always senbon user could spend the whole night texting with girls he got online. Instead, Guy used to make videos that he posted on the internet talking about eternal youth and giving self-help advice. Naruto kept texting him, asking when he would be ready to become the next Hokage and sending pictures of Hinata and her future motherhood, or funny dog and cat jokes. And so one day, one of the most elusive members of Konoha, despite his current position, became engulfed in modernity and massive connectivity, even with the other villages and nations. Yes, he hated, but at the same time, it was an excellent way of being in touch with people without the extreme necessity of meeting them face to face.

With all that said, he also had to recognise with a smile only visible for him, that it was the funniest way of pestering Sakura around building a lovely tension between them that rocked like waves between love and hate in the most amusing ways. So he texted her.

9:30: Morning Sakura, Thank you for the gift, I didn't open it yet, But I'm the most intrigue, Who are these Darcy and Whickham?

He sent the message and waited for the answer, he patiently took a seat at his desk and started checking the foulders in front of him. Nothing seemed too important like to take care of at that moment, so he requested Shikamaru not to be bothered during the day while waiting for an answer. Rather sooner than later, he would have to start reading that book if he wanted to be the best participant of the exclusive two members book club. Sakura's response wasn't coming, the day outside was terrible, the rain didn't stop since yesterday, and it looked like it wasn't to end soon. Where would she be? Kakashi really hoped for her well, that she wasn't working, because this time he would get mad, outraged. The vacation thing had been an order, and despite his generosity, his good disposition, his humility, his patience and his weakness for Sakura, he was the Hokage, and an order was an order. After all, it was for the good of the girl who only knew how to work.

So he texted her again, putting aside his pride and how desperate he might sound. In other circumstances, he could have waited whole days for an answer. He was not one of those who lived glued to the phone, responding instantly or pending of notifications and contrary to what they might say it was not snobbery instead a kind of an unconscious aloofness. Still, considering the circumstances, it was his right to be a bit pushy.

10:15: Oi, Sakura, where are you? all ready too immerse in your lecture?

He started removing the red paper from the book. The revealed was a slow process, almost ceremonial, like undressing her... it. The book was old, not old enough like to be a relic but it wasn't a new copy. Sakura gave him her own book as he did, what was inside of it was a mystery. He was intrigued by the title: Pride and Prejudice, no image in the cover, just a silky, velvety green hardcover, with golden letters stamped on them. Kakashi flicked through the pages from beginning to end as if to get a first idea of what the book implied, but apparently, it did not reveal anything. He had to start at the beginning.

Chapter 1: It's a truth universally stated that an unmarried guy in possession of an awesome fortune should be in want of a wife. However little acknowledged the feelings or perspectives of the sort of guy can be on his first getting into a neighbourhood, this reality is so well fixed inside the minds of the encircling families, that he's considered the rightful property of someone or different in their daughters.

So the book was an apology to what? Single men? Single women? Healthy people? It wasn't what Kakashi was expecting from Sakura.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:30: H.Sakura: Sleeping Kakashi, holidays, remember?

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:30 : H.Sakura: You will have to read to find out. Don't be so impatient.

10:31 H. Sakura: I haven't started yet. Why so eager in perverting my mind?

So that was all after all. Sakura was just sleeping, so much worry for nothing. Kakashi should have known better. After all, the pink-haired girl was a good girl. But the truth was that he wasn't pleased about the situation. For no reason, he was upset. First, even if she was on vacations, she could have answered earlier, why to sleep late if she didn't spend the whole night reading? Second, why didn't she start reading? And finally, what was this book she gave her without any information? She wasn't playing fair. At least Sakura had an idea of what Icha Icha was about.

10:35, What makes you think that your mind is not already perverted?

Suddenly, the texting was more interesting than Pride and Prejudice, who was left behind in less than a minute.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:38 H. Sakura: Trust me, sensei, I know my mind and is not as perverted as yours.

Kakashi laughed.

10:38: You are accepting though that even if your mind is not perverted as mine...

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:39: H. Sakura: Arghhh... What do you want?

10:40: So many things...

10:40: But for starters, I would love to hear why you haven't started with your part of our exciting endeavour, then I would love you to explain to me what this book is about.

The answer didn't come fast, and Kakashi turned his view back to the book. He caressed once more the cover, and then something caught his attention. In most of the pages, there were sidenotes and underlined sentences. Did Sakura used that book at school, or was it something else? Maybe, those notes were more interesting than the story itself. He could perhaps decipher more from her than he had ever expected. Yes, he was smart after all, and he patted himself in the back for that.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzt Bzzzzt

10:50: H. Sakura: Sensei, please, give me a break. Let me wash my face and have a cup of coffee first. Then we can discuss anything you like. I didn't start reading because I was thinking of you 10:50 H. Sakura: I mean, I was thinking what book to choose

Kakashi burst into a silent laugh.

10:51: So you are thinking about me... Imagine when you start Icha Icha...

10:52: H.Sakura: Yes, I will start thinking wich poison is the more accurate to kill a Hokage without leaving a trace.

The Hokage was so enjoying this, this silly flirting innocent game.

10:52: Yeah, tell yourself that till you believe it

10:53: Anyway, You never told me what Pride and Prejudice is about...

10:53: H.Sakura: How much have you read so far?

10:54: Two paragraph

10:54: H.Sakura: Then stop bothering me, and keep reading. Talk you later.

Kakashi finished the conversation with Sakura with her last message. He was sure they would talk again sooner than later, besides he needed to go back to his own reading.

Why, my dear, you need to know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken with the aid of a young guy of big fortune from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and 4 to see the location, and became a lot extremely joyful with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take ownership before Michaelmas, and some of his servants are to be inside the residence with the aid of the end of subsequent week." "What is his call?" "Bingley."

Notes:

Another update for you all. Kakashi and Sakura are texting, for now.

Something about the write: In these messages when I don't put the name is because is the one who is texting and POV of the character, for example in this case is Kakashi's so I think there is no need to say that he is the one sending the text to Sakura, the same will happen in the next chapter but in the other way. Is it clear or I confuse you all more??

Please please please, even if I hate pleading, you know what to do.

next chapter soon, what would be inside icha icha?

[adhd-asd]

how can one deal with not being able to afford getting evaluated/diagnosed for adhd? i've done lots of research online and meet nearly all the symptoms, and my therapist has suggested the possibility of me having it, but i can't afford to get evaluated and currently second guess everything wondering if i'm an imposter. is there a way to have certainty of whether or not i have adhd without getting professionally evaluated/diagnosed? i'm worried i'm just making things up or it's not that bad

     A lot of points to touch on here so I’m going to break up my responses into categories to make things a little easier to digest.

1. How can I be certain?

     I don’t know if you can be, and I don’t know if getting diagnosed would actually change that. Personally, I do have a professional diagnosis and I still worry that I’m just making things up sometimes; like I somehow tricked them into seeing something that isn’t really there or they got it wrong by mistake.

     If you’ve done your research and are reasonably convinced that you have ADHD, and you even have a therapist who corroborates that belief, I’d say you’re in a pretty good position, and you may be better off practicing coping with those feelings of uncertainty when they arise rather than trying to prevent them from ever happening in the first place. Hopefully the following paragraphs will be able to provide some tools and reassurances to help you do that.

2. What if I’m making it up?

     I’d highly recommend taking a look at this post which briefly explores potential sources of the self doubt that can come with ADHD and provides some reassurances and rebuttals to the idea that we might be faking it.

3. I’m worried it’s not that bad.

     You’re the only one who can decide how bad it is, because it’s dependent on your own feelings and experiences. Do you actually feel it’s not that bad? Do you feel it shouldn't be that bad? Or do other people tell you it’s not that bad? What matters is how you experience the world, not what anyone else says or expects.

     I have a friend who loves horror movies, whereas I can’t watch one without being seriously emotionally overwhelmed to the point of a meltdown. Does the fact that my friend can watch horror movies without issue mean that horror movies aren’t that bad? That I’m wrong about how they affect me? Of course not, because those are my genuine feelings and experiences, regardless of what I might expect or hope for, or what’s true for anyone else. My experiences matter and are worth acknowledging, no matter how atypical they are, and nothing anyone else says or feels is going to change that.

     It took me a while to get to this point of self-acceptance, though. I think it's pretty commmon for people growing up undiagnosed to internalise all their symptoms as personal failings and blame themselves for every perceived shortcoming. We tend to think that our problems are our own fault, and if we just tried harder, we could be like everyone else. This can make it difficult to recognise (and accept) our ADHD, because we might be tempted to write off all the symptoms as not being symptoms, but rather things that we could change and just haven't yet.

     Try taking some time to set aside your preconceptions and just be cognisant of your reality. Be honest with yourself about your own feelings and experiences and try not to downplay them or let expectations of what things “should” be like cloud your ability to recognise and acknowledge them for what they actually are.

     If it feels like your ADHD is significantly affecting you, then it almost definitely is. Even if you’re able to work really hard and overcome it, the fact that you had to put that much effort in means it was a significant obstacle in the first place. And if it really wasn’t that bad, I don’t think you would’ve sent this ask. It’d be a non-issue and you’d be able to ignore it or let it go without too much worry.

4. What if I’m wrong/an imposter?

     Well, what if you’re wrong? Would anything actually happen? You may feel a little silly, but I don’t see how such a mistake could actually hurt anyone. Even if it isn’t ADHD after all (which seems unlikely, given what you’ve said), you’re still experiencing difficulties that align with the symptoms, and finding ways to lessen the impact of those difficulties and make your life easier isn’t wrong of you.

     I constantly encourage people to make use of ADHD coping mechanisms if they’re helpful whether they have ADHD or not, and I’ve talked here and here about how I believe some coping is better than no coping, even if a mistake is being made in identifying the source. You’re doing the best you can with what you have for now, and if something changes down the line to make you reconsider your situation then that’s okay! It doesn’t retroactively mean that everything up to that point was for nothing.

     Figuring this stuff out is tough and sometimes even professionals get it wrong, so I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you did make a mistake, and I would hope that the resources and experiences you gather from your time exploring ADHD would be helpful to you regardless. Even if you come to the conclusion that your symptoms are relatively mild or infrequent after all, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have coping mechanisms at the ready for whenever they are a problem. There’s no “you must be at least this ADHD to cope” sign.

5. How do I cope?

     I have a post here that discusses coping with ADHD specifically without a formal diagnosis that may be helpful to start with. It mentions how I personally find that coping while diagnosed and coping while undiagnosed are almost identical, since a lot of our coping tends to rely on us speaking up about our needs and implementing changes in our own lives anyway.

     I’d also encourage you to make use of all the other posts and resources on my blog, seeing as this space is self-dx friendly, and I imagine a lot of other similar blogs are as well. And, of course, your therapist may be a good person to talk to about your concerns and possible coping strategies if you haven’t already.

TL;DR

Self doubt can be pretty common in ADHDers, and practicing coping with the uncertainty may be more beneficial than looking for ways to eliminate it entirely.

Trust your own understanding of your experiences over what other people tell you.

Even if a mistake is made, the symptoms that led to the self-diagnosis are still present and the coping strategies learned can still be beneficial.

A lot of ADHD coping comes down to self-implemented change, which you’re free to make use of regardless of diagnostic status.

     Thank you for your patience waiting for this response and I hope it helps! Good luck!

[as-many-times-as-it-takes]

Not looking for reassurance about canonical Sheith, I just need to vent. I heard you were offering hugs, would it be okay to ask for one, please? I let myself get too damn invested in canonical Sheith and I'm such a freaking mess right now & not in the good way. I really am way beyond old enough to know better, and I'm gay to boot. Again, I should know better! I love Sheith so much & always will, whatever happens in canon. Thank you for letting me vent, you're truly a kind person.

Hey there @mereneith !

You absolutely can have a hug from the craziness of this season. And I know you aren’t specifically looking for reassurance or anything, but I did want to add something to your comments.

There is no such thing as way beyond old enough to know better.

This is a long (very optimistic though!) personal discussion. Feel free to skip it if you just want hugs. Otherwise, read on.

Once upon a time I thought that as I grew older I would be expected to outgrow things and to set aside “childish interests and hopes” blah blah and I would magically transform into an adult and live an adult life.

Well fuck that.

I am a trans gay man, pushing just past his thirties and you know what? Voltron has changed my life. 

You see, we fall in love with characters because we find aspects in them that are important to us. It may be because we see ourselves in them, or find them very relatable. Or perhaps they represent something we’d like to see in our friends or lovers. Aspects that remind us fondly of our friends and family, or perhaps even aspects that remind us of our flaws. But this attachment isn’t childish or silly. It’s actually very healthy and important. As most people know, it’s often very difficult to learn a tough lesson on your own. But if you were to watch a person go through a similar issue who you feel strongly about, you will find that tangential learning can actually teach you a whole lot much faster.

Children are growing up today seeing their hero Shiro as a really awesome, strong man who also happens to be gay, deals with bad stress/PTSD, and has been disabled. How many of them will grow to not only accept these things, but grow and learn from them? So why should this be any different with adults?

I openly admit that I associate very strongly with Keith. I’ve been the outcast, I’ve struggled fitting in and lashing out. I’ve been left behind and felt abandoned again and again to the point that it was easier to push people away ahead of time than it would be to ever try to open up. All the knowledge in the world on fencing, dog sledding, falconry (rehab), archery, swordplay, target shooting, etc etc and all my talents at it still didn’t fix the fact that I was socially inept and hated the world around me. But then I also know the value then, of finding a Shiro in your life. Someone who took that time to push past your thorns and offer you unconditional support and affection. It’s why Sheith resonated with me instantly and why they became so important to me.

So watching the show was instantly a pleasure. I didn’t think it’d ever be a thing to begin with, but I was still content to dream. And when I found a very loving fandom behind it, I actually felt a lot of peace seeing other people who also felt like this. There are a great many people in the world right now who ship Sheith because it is an expression of mutual love, compassion, support, admiration, and dedication. Everyone has their own unique love and perspective on why Shiro and Keith are important to them, but we also share a common passion.

When I first started this blog in Season 3, I had been many years away from my previous blogging experience. Depression, life, and all sorts of stuff had gotten in the way and I’d sort of drifted away from something that had been a great passion of mine. So I thought I’d be brave and start up a blog here.

And it grew, and I made a few friends and had a good time until depression and life got me down again and I disappeared for about a year or so until Season 6. When I returned, I thought for sure I would never keep up with the main blogs or all the truly awesome artists out there. But you know what? I had changed, and I had grown and the fandom welcomed me back with open arms.

Sheith inspired me to draw again. My “You Found Me” piece was not only one of the first digital pieces I’d done in over 6 months, it was also a big leap in what sorts of things I could draw. And I’ve kept pumping out art slowly but surely and each time I do, I’ve learned just a little bit more and been all that much more proud. I started writing again too! Who cares if it’s fanfiction? Why would that make it any less valid or satisfying? I also was a braver man and I started reaching out to people that I saw in the fandom who I wanted to get to know.

And I have completely changed my life. I have made some of the most wonderful friends now. I am still getting to know many of them, but I already am just so happy to have more people to talk to, celebrate with and get to know. I’m part of multiple discord servers, multiple art projects and I have seen an amazing amount of support for my writing! I’ve had my writing translated into other languages, I’ve been called someone’s hero, I see asks and prompts in my inbox of people who want to talk to me and hear my opinion.

Sheith isn’t just important to me, it’s changed my life. The characters have spoke to me on a personal level and I still learn from, yes, a cartoon show. It’s made me think more critically and become more introspective. It’s allowed me to express myself better and find common ground with more people. And with the amount of amazing support from the staff and Voltron in general, Shiro and Keith’s relationship and their characters in general have validated a lot of my life, my orientation, I could go on and on.

I haven’t really said it aloud all at once, but these are all true. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about these things or we’ve been told it’s “childish” or “foolish.” I laugh and weep over Sheith because I am also invested and I want it to come true and I’m not ashamed of it. I am a total gay disaster and have spent days greeting my BFF with “OMG SHIRO IS GAY HOLY SHIT!!!” for days on end after the announcement. I have fussed and wept because I worried it might not happen. Yeah, I feel silly sometimes too. I regard myself as a very logical individual in a very logical profession. But I am also a creature of passion, instinct, and emotion. I want to be the voice for others who are too nervous to speak, who are still not ready yet, or just need to hear it from someone else. I want to be the one to help tell people it’s okay to fall in love with characters and feel strongly about them and learn from them.

I will always love Sheith no matter what. It’s changed my life and made me a better person. And I will endlessly be thankful to the entire Voltron crew for everything they’ve done for us.

But I also have faith and I want to hand out hugs and tell people to keep their chins up.

Remember, 

Patience Yields Focus

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Don’t feel bad about being invested or taking joy in something. Instead, celebrate it and embrace it. Turn it into a positive force that enriches the people around you. I think Shiro put it best:

Go, be great.

[luminis-infinite]

Okay sooo - Post-Grindelwald Greenie scenario. Percy's gone back to his charming, smartly-dressed, effortlessly seductive self - but this time, all is part of the delightful game he plays with his wife Queenie. He's a knuckle-kisser; she sits on his lap and drives him quietly mad; sometimes, when he suddenly paper-pale at galas, she brushes at his hair and his thoughts, sending off words of soft love. "I'm here, darling. Always and forever, I'm here."

This is ridiculously long and didn’t necessarily go where I intended it to, so it might get a re-write later. But for now, I hope you enjoy. Thank you so very much for the lovely prompt, darling.

“You’d never believe what I heard,” one of the coffee witches – the one whose name O’Brien can never remember, whispers to one of the interns under the guise of pouring coffee and handing him a biscuit. She gets a raised brow and a bemused shrug for her trouble, but she bats not an eyelash and continues on anyway.“So Nancy was takin’ afternoon coffee around the Bullpen, you know, and she always goes to Mr. Graves office after doin’ the bullpen, and when she knocked she thought she heard Graves say ‘come in’, so in she went and then…” Here the coffee witch looks around, dyed strawberry blond too-tight curls bouncing around her heavily powered neck when she looks right then left to make sure the coast is clear. O’Brien remains in her blind spot, just out of sight. “So in she went, like I was saying, and there was Queenie Goldstein sitting in Graves’ lap.”

The intern splutters loudly on the sip of coffee he’s just taken, nearly spraying the coffee witch and his own starch white shirt. The coffee witch dances out of the way in time, leaving the poor intern choking and coughing for a moment before he croaks out, “You can’t be serious.”She nods at him, eyes impassively wide and framed with thick, mascara-black lashes that bat at him. Red lips quirk up, “I am. She was sittin’ on his lap all pretty like and Nacy says he had his hand on her thigh, under her skirt… Can you believe it? It’s all-“O’Brien finally decides she’s had enough, pushing herself into the woman’s line of view and putting on her best frown.“A bunch of bullshit,” she says firmly, glowering at the coffee witch with her ill-fitting blouse and shoes and the makeup that might come off in a perfect imprint on O’Brien’s hand if she were to slap her. The witch gasps, the intern splutters again. He knows well enough to be afraid of O’Brien, she’s already laid into him twice this week for lollygagging. “You, Lysander, know full well that you have two reports due by the end of the day. Your possibility of landing a job at MACUSA after this grows slimmer with every passing second. And you, whoever you are, are not paid to spin the gossip wheel. Now git, before I report you to your supervisor.”They both stare at her like dying fish for a moment, gaping with their eyes bugging out of their heads. O’Brien, the merciful taskmaster that she is, gives them a full minute to get themselves out of their funks. But when they continue to gawk, she loses her patience. “Scram!”Lysander jumps and squeaks, the witch flinches and they’re both all but dashing off in opposite directions, spines stiff and eyes straight ahead like good little soldiers. O’Brien watches them go before huffing and reaching for her cigarette case. As she heads towards the lobby, O’Brien selects one and shoves it between her teeth. Queenie in his lap and Percival’s hand up her skirt in an unlocked office, honestly, she thinks to herself, he has much more tact than that.

—

After the incident with Nancy this afternoon, Queenie is eager to lie low for the rest of the day. She could skip home well enough, but she knows it will simply feed the gossip mill, and there’s already enough flying around about the both of them right now, thank you very much. So she does the reports Picquery’s asked her to complete, about the raids she’s helped with and the statements she’s gotten from some of Grindelwald’s followers, currently residing comfortably in the very highest rafters of the building, where the owls nest. But reports only keep Queenie occupied for so long; she’s a neat writer and a quick one, signing her name off with a flourish and sending the proofed reports directly to Seraphina with a flick of her wrist. And that leaves Queenie with a suspiciously large absence of anything to do. She decides to make herself some tea, and when that’s done she take a cup to Seraphina and bother the president with chatter for a few moments. Maybe get another assignment, or go find Tina. Tina could use a distraction. Queenie finds herself occupied with making her tea in the quiet breakroom of her department, humming a tune to herself while she sets the water to boil in the kettle and goes about selecting one of the many teas in the cabinets.

Queenie’s narrowed her choices down to camomile or honey lemon when a field of magic brushes gently against her own, much like the waves lapping against the shore at Ilvermorny on a misty morning in October. She grins and leans back into him, giving him space to wrap powerful arms around her ribs. Soft and dry lips pepper little kisses along the neckline of her dress, up to her jaw before he speaks, stubble brushing Queenie’s skin.“I’m sorry about earlier,” Percival murmurs and presses his big hands flat against her belly, smoothing down invisible wrinkles in the satin of her dress. Queenie hums, turning her head to accept his kisses properly. He tastes like an orange, the orange she left for him on his desk after hurrying out following Nancy’s shocked and squeaking apologies. “It ain’t your fault, honey,” Queenie replies. She sets one tea box down and reaches behind her to cup his jaw, tugging him in closer. Percival hums now, quiet and contemplative, enjoying Queenie’s touch and attention as much as she enjoys him. The static of his occlumency quiets around her, the sharp edges left by Grindelwald rounding out, sea glass worn smooth by waves and time. They stand in silence for a moment before the camomile tea box falling off the counter shatters the peace. Queenie jumps and Percival rears back with a quiet curse, before they both roll their eyes at their own silliness. Percival stoops to pick up the tea box, and when he offers it to her, his hand doesn’t tremble. Queenie accepts the box with a grin, “Thank you, kind sir.”Percival laughs and collects her other hand in his, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss her knuckles. The twinkle in his coffee-dark eyes tells Queenie that he knows full well what it does to her. “You’re welcome, my darling.”He leaves her to make her tea then, meandering out of the breakroom with his hands in his pockets and seemingly no care in the world. Percival makes every space his own, giving his easy confidence to every moment, every stride. But Queenie knows the hitch is there if she looks for it.

—

The thing is, he looks like he’s bounced right back. He returned to work a month before Queenie wanted him to, barely out of the hospital, barely holding himself together with pepper up potions and bone growth serum and glamors for what the makeup couldn’t hide. Percival strode into work that day in his best, double breasted suit with the tiny silver pinstripes and not a single fuck to give to anyone who got in his way. He doesn’t look like he limps, he doesn’t look like his hands shake or he couldn’t hold a coffee cup the day after they found him. He looks perfectly alright, leads his team perfectly alright, handles everything they throw at him perfectly alright. He’s convinced them that he’s fine. Hell, most days he convinces Queenie that he’s alright – flirting with her, playing the little game they have going flawlessly. He looks fine. He sounds fine. He seems fine. But he isn’t fine. He isn’t.

Someone, Queenie can’t remember who, said to her not too long ago that it was amazing, how well he’d recovered, as if the process of healing from out and out torture at the hands of the darkest wizard in modern remembrance was over. As if Queenie didn’t have to hold him at night anymore when he was shaking like he was going to shatter, or force Dreamless Sleep down his throat raw from screaming, or deal with the heartbreaking reality that he had tried to convince her to divorce him. They don’t see that, they don’t hear his words, thick with tears in their heads.

I’m no good, Queenie. You deserve someone better. You deserve someone s-strong… Not a broken, pathetic old man.They see what he wants them to see. They’ve never bothered to look past the veneer. Maybe that’s why they didn’t notice it wasn’t Percival.

—

“We’re staying for Picquery’s speech and then I’m taking him home.”O’Brien sups from her flute of champagne, her only acknowledgement of Queenie’s words being a slight incline of her head to the right. She surveys the crowd, filled with visiting dignitaries and the who’s-who of Wizarding America. It’s the biggest night of the year, aside from Halloween.They’re about half way into the Wizarding Congress Gala, alcohol freely flowing and all acquaintances made or remade by now. It will be acceptable for the Director and his wife to slip off into the night, they’ve done their duty. But Queenie doesn’t need to hear this from O’Brien. She’s done these things before, lighting up halls and lobbies and small back rooms in pubs alike with her bubbly personality that makes even Graves – stern and brooding and mysteriously dark – smile and laugh. So O’Brien keeps silent, watching as Queenie floats back over to her husband, O’Brien’s one-time protégé (the son she never had, nor wanted until Graves came along). He is wan under the gently glowing enchanted lantern orbs. Soft golden light reflects strangely on his skin, giving him a dewy appearance that is no doubt reflexive of a sheen of sudden sweat. It isn’t that warm in here. O’Brien was part of the setup team and helped weave powerful cooling charms into the tapestries and walls of MACUSA’s grand foyer. So whatever it is that’s causing him to sweat isn’t that. She sets her empty glass on the tray of a nearby house elf, tucking her hands in the pockets of her pantsuit and slowly begins to meander her way over to Graves and Queenie, keeping her eyes roving, searching for whatever’s set Graves off. A subtle extended hearing charm cast through the material of her trousers gleans nothing. Her scanning gets nothing either until she turns about fifteen degrees left and spots it. Blond hair in a rather unfortunate style. Ah.

Percival swallows, passing his hand over his face in a way that makes it look like he’s rubbing his jaw, but O’Brien notices how the shiny texture leaves his skin. But there’s nothing short of a glamour that will restore the colour to his cheeks. Queenie leans in, whispering something to Graves, unaware or uncaring of O’Brien approaching them. The extended hearing charm catches strains of what she’s saying.“I’m here, baby. You’re safe. I’m here always and forever, Percy. Always and forever.”She squeezes his hand and Percival nods, short and choppy before he spots O’Brien at last. The glassy expression in those dark eyes breaks, and he manages a weak smile for her. Just then, Picquery takes the stage in a magnificent cream satin dress that rustles around her feet like doves’ wings and an equally elegant head wrap. O’Brien doesn’t get a chance to say anything to Graves or Queenie following Seraphina’s speech. They slip away into the night like a ship leaving harbour when the moon is new, silent and quick. But that’s alright. Graves has everything he needs in Queenie.