#She really did try but what does effort matter once you're marked by something beyond your control?

[the-magpie-archives]

I can never decide in my mind what Daisy looks like when she succumbs to the hunt, and i rather like it that way. Becoming animalistic, losing that grasp of humanity that even monsters get to hold into us a terrifying concept.

Everyone knows about werewolves- whether or not you pretended to be one as a child everyone knows that to be a werewolf is to be cursed. To be such a beast that you lose control over yourself; and in turn you curse your loved ones by allowing them to watch you turn into something beastial and other.

Those of you who grew up engaged in spirituality will also be aware of the bone aching horror of seeing the wrong spirit in a body. Watching that canine thing look at you with human eyes, say things to you that a creature of that calibre should never be able to articulate, yet it says these things to you nonetheless.

Equally, many know the fear of seeing a thing that may once have been a human and for all intents and purposes appears to be, but again is simply wrong. The soul is misshapen and all that you can see in the eyes of the one you once loved is an undying, uncontrollable hunger. Even the positive actions it takes are to feed the hunger, you can't trust a person if you do not see a person when you look at them.

Whatever variation of these things daisy became after laying down her life to serve the hunt, it placed Jon, Martin, and most of all Basira in a place of nauseating terror.

To see something that's wrong, beastly, warped, is enough to hold you where you stand, but to see someone you love devoid of all that really makes them themself? Agonising.

[starseneyes]

Chenford REWIND - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 4 Ep 14

This one might seem a little weird for me to pick out of the pile, but it really resonated with me for a few reasons that I'll get into once we dive into the Meta.

Season 4 is the era of open Tim and Lucy truly sharing in one another's lives at a level they never did before. It's needed for this episode.

So, bear with me because this is more of a "mini meta", but this episode deserves it, I think.

SPOILER ALERT: In the land of Spoilers I doth play! Merriment is to be had for those who partake of said indulgences, but for those who forsake the foreign finds, atrophy doth await. Okay, I can be a little silly because we've done this enough. Spoilers within. But I do try to write without foreknowledge of what is to come.

Everyone versed on the way this works? Excellent! I'm ready to dive in.

"... since I don't know my biological father, you know, it makes it kind of challenging."

I hate these forms with everything in me. And I. Have. Twins. So every time I start them with a new doctor, I have twice as many forms that have to be filled out in the same time as most parents get for one. So, I'm with you, Lucy.

Also, I remember the first time I had to fill out a School Form after meeting my biological father. I was a lot younger, but I remember my absolute confusion. "Mama, am I Hispanic?" "Just mark 'white'," she responded. Yeah... it was an interesting season.

"Wait. Your Dad's not your bio dad?" "Mmnm." "You never told me that." "It's not really a big deal. My Dad, the man who raised me, is my Dad."

Absolutely, Lucy! Blood does not determine fatherhood.

I remember an episode of The Pretender that took the angle of "Didn't I teach you to tie a tie?" and I was a mess of blubbering crazy on the floor because "Dad" isn't owed to anyone just because they contribute biological matter to an insemination. "Dad" is a special moniker.

And, yes, I call both the man who raised me until I was 7 and my biological father "Daddy". Plus I have a step-dad. My wedding was really interesting with three Father Speeches, let me tell you!

"She told me that he was not ready to be a father..."

I do feel for Lucy's mom on this one. My biological father let his friends convince him my mother was lying... so he never wanted anything to do with me.

She had to go to court to get the blood test for... you guessed it... medical history forms, so she'd be able to fill them out accurately for me.

Yeah, Lucy doesn't owe this man anything and neither did her mom.

Wait... did I just take Mama Chen's side on something? It feels dirty...

"Hey, do you think it's weird I didn't try to find my biological dad?" "No. You don't owe the guy anything."

Thank. You. Lucy, if you're not going to listen to me (just like football teams when my Uncle's screaming at them from his couch), then please listen to your husband.

What I also love about this is that we've caught up with them mid-conversation. It's possible they were talking about this in the Shop, but I like to think that it came up between them before. Lucy's comfortable telling Tim almost anything.

For a man who tries hard to keep the Shop a "personal free zone", by Season 4 Lucy has worn him down, and he's beyond telling her to stop.

She's already versed Tim on the fertility fun, so it's completely natural for her to talk to him about this, too.

"The only thing he ever contributed to your life was measured in millimeters."

Best. Husband. Ever. Get this man an award, because he's busting out all the support for his wife while calling out this no-show sperm-contributor on his lack of parental contribution. We stan a man who thinks fatherhood demands some bloody effort.

Look, I love my bio dad and we have a great relationship. But it took a lot of work and a 13-year-old screaming at her father to put down the beer and drive because he was the adult and needed to act like it. Yeah...

"Seriously, I don't know why I bother talking to you about personal stuff." "Mission accomplished."

This cracked me up the first time I saw it! Because, Tim's beyond telling Lucy to stop talking, right? But that doesn't stop him from being a cynical bitch to get her to stop.

She gives him the look, but his gaze is safely on Bailey so he isn't instantly vaporized by meeting her eyes.

"Why don't you give us a list?" "How about giving me your number?"

Tim turns to her and does his little finger point that he did when dismissing her when they decided to ride together again as Gofer and Sergeant.

He didn't need her involved in his paperwork that night so he waves her away. This time, he's waving himself out of his conversation. Also, he doesn't want to be present so he doesn't have to write Lucy up for threatening the guy.

"Sir, are you okay?" "Do I look like I'm okay?" ... "Did you see where she went after she attacked you?" "Obviously not."

Calm down, Timmy, my boy. About 12 seconds ago you asked a man washing his blood-red, can't-open eyes with a garden hose if he was okay.

Neither one of you's doing great in the common sense department, today, so why not back off on the attitude directed my girl's way?

I've seen a small contingent of people claim Tim's changed too much from Season 1. Nah. What we've seen is a man who was at the lowest point of his life finding healing. It's gradual, but it's there.

And we see that the cynical, sarcastic, dead-pan part of him is still there. But it's not overwhelming all the other wonderful, layered parts of him like before.

Also, I speak cynicism and sarcasm, so in that I've found a kindred spirit in a fictional character.

"People suck." "Amen to that."

He's not wrong. Look, there are individuals who can be pretty amazing, but in my experience, people as a whole generally suck. That's why the kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate, empathetic humans matter so much. That's why people like Lucy matter so much.

Because in a hurting world, the hope-bringers matter. They're the ones who light a torch in the blackest night and hold it high for others to see. And as we're drawn toward that light, holding our own water-logged torches, drenched in our tears... we find warmth. We find hope.

The warmth dries out our torches, not erasing our tears, but ceasing their flow. And then, slowly, the spark within each of us returns, and we can then hold our own torches high for the next weary travelers who've lost their sense of self on the difficult trails of life.

Tim's torch is starting to spark, and he can thank Lucy for a lot of it. But, right now, he's reminding us that he's one of us... still not all the way out of the dark.

Lucy twitches her hand at Tim's remark, almost a "Are you kidding me!?", but Tim doesn't see it.

"Is it better to know? Or to not?" "You talking about bio dad now?"

Kitty! My husband says that to me every time I cock my head to the side in response to something he says. It reminds him of his kitties he grew up with.

So, as soon as Tim cocked his head, I thought "kitty!" and promptly erupted into laughter in an empty room like a madwoman.

But I love how well Tim can read her. There are still times he checks in with her with a "You okay?", but we're seeing the evolution of his understanding of Lucy. He's grown in his understanding of her, and right now he knows exactly where her mind has gone.

And how special is it that she's working through this with Tim?

Look, family stuff can be complicated and we've already seen Lucy's issues with her mother. Tim has likely had several earfuls of all this, but I love how supportive he's being of her, here.

He's not telling her what to do. And that immediately throws me to post-DOD when he didn't tell her what to do with her tattoo. There's a consistency here that I appreciate.

Also, I love this growth compared to when she was vetting Emmett. She pretended to talk to Rachel (not this Rachel... but I'll totally be her second Rachel BFF if Lucy Chen, fictional character, is looking for a new BFF). And when Tim called her on it, she admitted she needs to process orally and knew he wouldn't do it with her.

Look. How. Far. We've. Come. Tim doesn't have to be talked into it. In fact, he's the one who drew it out of her when she started waxing poetic Shakespeare style—"To know, or not to know?"

Tim is Lucy's sounding board, now. Losing Jackson was huge. And while Lucy loves Tamara and talks to her a lot, it's not the same thing since there's more of a mother/daughter relationship at play.

And as someone with incredibly odd parent/child dynamics, I'm not judging. Just saying, it's different.

But in the vacuum that stole Jackson from Lucy's life, there will never be someone to fill that space completely. Yet, certain elements transferred near-seamlessly to Tim. Tim and Lucy are friends, and they are deeply involved in one another's lives, at this point.

Remember, we are post double-date, post Tim's father, post Lucy helping with demo, post so many other things that moved them forward in Season 4. Walls were torn down between them.

It's that thinnest veil now keeping them apart. That, and their placeholder significant others because, wow, were we dealing with some dead weight in Season 4, am I right?

Tim tells Lucy to find out the truth, and I love that. He's encouraging her in this endeavor on the same day he told her "mission accomplished" in scaring her off. He's still Tim. He's still going to be a bit of an ass, sometimes.

But, damnit, he's making more and more exceptions for Lucy. And he doesn't even realize it, yet. But we get the delicious point-of-view of watching it happen, and I love this for them!

"The year your mother became a therapist, she slept with a patient. He was your father... I think the shame still eats her up."

Hold. Up. Mama Condescending slept with her patient!? That is one of the rules you do not break. So rather than own up to her mistake, even with her own daughter, she tried to mold Lucy into the model of perfection without consideration for the psychological damage she might be inflicting?

Oh, Mama Chen and I are gonna fight the next time her face appears on my screen. You don't do my girl Lucy dirty like that.

It's totally in-character. Like, it makes sense. But it also hurts. Because "the shame still eats her up". Lucy's mind can't help but wonder if part of that shame is her.

"You okay?"

Hubby knows when wifey's acting off. And he knows it has something to do with her father. So, he's not going into this blind. Tim Bradford is asking Lucy Chen about her state of mind knowing it's personal.

"Personal Life Free Zone" my ass.

"My whole life, nothing I have ever done has been good enough for my mom. Not, not my grades, my boyfriends, my career. And this whole time she has been a total hypocrite." "Look, uh, maybe she's trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes she did."

Oooh, swing and a miss. Tim, you can't help someone avoid repeating history if they don't know history.

Also, Lucy's never gonna sleep with a suspect, which is the closest equivalence I can make. She may sleep with a certain Sergeant, though, down the line. Am I right?

I've wondered for a while, too, if Tim has a soft spot for Moms considering everything he went through with his own Mom. From what we can tell, he tried to shield her and protect her even when he knew things were bad with his father.

My brother and I had a bad string of babysitters when my mother first became a single Mom. She divorced my brother's dad shortly after her mother died, and it was just the three of us.

We knew how bad it was. How hard it was for her to find good sitters. When we finally found a decent one who would let us stay over at her place when needed... we hid it from my mother when she and her husband got into a physical altercation in front of us.

I was about 7 and my brother was 3. He didn't quite understand what was going on, so as my Nanny ripped us out of bed and drove around town half the night looking for a place to stay... I distracted him. I played games with him.

And as we fell asleep foot-to-foot on her mother's couch across town, I was satisfied to know he didn't understand what was happening. I managed to protect him.

And I protected my mother, too, by not telling her. Because I wanted to shield her. I didn't want her to have one more thing to worry about.

Tim strikes me as a kindred soul in that. So, he looks at Lucy's mother and doesn't quite see the whole picture. After all, he hasn't even met the lady... yet.

Oh, but when Tim Bradford meets Mama Chen and sees the bullshit she puts Lucy through? He's gonna have his wife's back and it's going to be a glorious minute twenty-five of television that I will play on repeat to my heart's content.

"Or she resents me for reminding her of the one time in her life that she messed up."

There it is. The shame. Is that why Mama Chen is always ashamed of her? Lucy has to wonder.

"Lucy, it's..."

No, phone. Not now! I have never wanted to chuck a phone out the window so badly as I did when Lucy's chirped just then.

Because Tim Bradford knows a thing or two about a parent who makes you feel ashamed of yourself. And I really want to know what he was going to say.

One of y'all better have a fanfic to fill in the blanks because, whew, if I find Lucy's phone alone in a back alley, one of us isn't coming back.

Yes, I know I have a beef with an inanimate object and that the whole bloody thing's fictional.

But damnit, I want Tim to have the opportunity to speak love into Lucy's life as often as possible and that. phone. killed. my. dream.

"Patrick Walsh. That's my father's name." "Well, I mean, at least it's not something weird like Dilbert." "You mean like the cartoon character?" "Someone named their kid Hashtag. You never know."

I love this. Tim falls into their natural rhythm, and Lucy goes along with him. It actually coaxes a smile out of her, which is what I think he was trying to do.

Awww, our babies have graduated to responding to one another's needs wordlessly. I'm so proud of them!

"So, what are you gonna do?" "Find out the truth."

She's echoing Tim's exact words to him, which I love. But I also love that Tim is driving this whole conversation.

Mr. "Personal Life Is a No-Go On The Job" is the one coaxing this out of Lucy. Because he knows her well enough to know that she'll stew on it, otherwise. If he wants her focused on work, he has to get her through those personal blocks by talking it out.

This whole episode is a love letter to Tim's understanding of Lucy and how far they have come. Yes, he gave her a little trademark Tim at the top with his no-nonsense assessment of ejaculation's lack of causality to actually being a parent.

But, throughout this episode, he's been the one driving the conversation. He's been the one drawing her out. And he's been the one supporting her in this, which is huge.

They. Have. Come. So. Far.

"He's dead."

I can't even imagine. All of these scenarios Lucy built up in her head, and they're just gone.

I met my Dad at 6. He got clean when I was in my 20's, and that is when we truly bonded. But I've had friends meet their biological fathers into their 40's. It was a wild ride.

And though Lucy loves her Dad (the one who raised her), she was curious about this man who fathered her.

A girlfriend of mine was fascinated when she met her biological father and found out he was an artist... like her. It was so cool for her to connect those dots, even though she still recognized the man who raised her as her real father (because blood ≠ "real"). There was a piece of her that she'd never seen in another human, before, and that was cool.

Lucy will never have those moments. And wanting them doesn't mean she loves her Dad any less. She simply wanted to meet the man who fathered her, to know that piece of herself a little better.

"Maybe I should have tried to find him sooner." "Maybe, but he's the one who made the decision that he wasn't ready to be a parent. Whatever he did with his life after, it's not on you."

All. Of. This. And you can tell Lucy's not completely convinced, because what kid is? Yes, Lucy is a grown woman. But when it comes to our parents, we'll always be their kids.

Lucy hasn't had the best examples of functional relationships. And, frankly, neither has Tim. Neither of them know what it looks like to really work through.

We can argue that Tim was married before, but that didn't work out. For a million reasons, it didn't work out.

And this whole "egg" thing started because Lucy's Mom wanted to be sure she'd have grandchildren even if Lucy never found the right man. And that led Lucy down the path to finding her birth-father... only to find out he died. alone.

If she had reached out sooner, could she have changed that? And, Lucy, honey, I know that "what if" game oh so well. It never ends if you keep playing it. So, you have to step away.

And, you. Yes, YOU! Don't play the what-if game. None of us can change our pasts, but we can shift our paths.

Our past is written, but the future's as twisty and turny as my kids' favorite board game. Lots of options. Lots of opportunities. Don't limit yourself because of the past. Don't "what-if" your life away.

Do what you can with what you have, and bit-by-bit, you'll build a new life. One breath at a time.

As always, thank you for reading. See you on the next!

[leagueofidiots]

Happy Birthday Dabi!!!!

A.) Triggers!! Mentions of past abuse

B.) Shigadabi yeet

C.) I headcanon Jan 18 as the day Touya died, but I wrote this back when I thought his birthday was Dec 6 and I was too lazy to edit things, so,,, yeah

I've never been a huge believer in birthdays. Living with the Todorokis, I always spent it training or locked in my room, screaming and crying and begging for freedom. With Ujiko, they went by without my notice. On the streets, I only did something once. Just found a small alleyway and lit my fingertip on fire, singing to myself in an attempt to try to lift my mood. Honestly, it just made me more depressed.

It's just a day used as a mark of age. Not even worth mentioning. In fact, something to keep secret to everyone but yourself.

So it's beyond a surprise when I swing open the door of my room to be greeted with a loud shout of "Happy birthday!" ringing in my ears. My fellow league members stand in front of me, a small, messily frosted cupcake balanced in Toga's hands and held out to me.

"Guys, what are you doing?" I ask awkwardly. "Also, what day is it?"

"January eighteenth," says Compress. "Did we get our date wrong or something? We had to guess between today, February sixth, and November twelfth. Sources were somewhat unhelpful."

Was it my birthday already? I thought it wasn't for another week at least. Even so, how did they know? I'd carefully avoided the topic.

"You see, once you told us that you were…" begins Kurogiri, cutting himself off once he hits the name we all know he means. "Well, I decided to look you up. Just for a few simple things. Birthday, any interests I could find...I'm sorry if it seems invasive, but I thought it could help us better understand how to help you feel appreciated."

At first I'm put off by it. People knowing things about me I didn't tell them bothers me deeply. But the more I consider it, the less I mind. They care. And it's harmless, isn't it? It won't kill me to play along just for the day.

Toga waves the cupcake in my face. "Well, you gonna take it, Bacon Bits?" she asks gleefully.

I accept it, hesitantly taking a bite. "Mmmm. What'd you put in this thing?" I ask, mouth full. It tastes awful, and I feel my nose wrinkle in distaste despite myself. Between food in general, sweet food in general, and whatever the salty-bitter aftertaste is, I almost gag.

"Oh, crap, is that the wrong one? I put blood in one...I think that might be it. Sorry. It's either chocolate or blood."

Spinner gives her a sideways glance and a whispered, "Whose---"

I spit out the dark batter. "Definitely blood, but uh...You know, I'm good. Not big on sweets anyway."

"Oh!" She takes it back. "More for me then."

Jin drags me out to the common area, mask lifted enough to display a wide grin. "We couldn't do much, but we figured it'd at least be better than before we all knew each other, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure," I say. "You guys didn't have to do anything, you know."

"Yes we did," Shigaraki insists. "You're my right hand, it's only right we should give you at least one day for just you."

"Now we know you're more the type of guy to keep to yourself," says Magne, "so just let us spoil you for the next half hour, then you get to do whatever you want, okay?"

I nod again, shaking my wrist loose from Twice's grip. "Alright, I can deal with that. What did you guys have planned?"

Suichi quickly ties his scarf around my eyes, careful of his claws and my staples. "Hang tight for one sec."

There's a quick shuffling, accompanied by my teammates' voices muttering happily to each other. A portal opens, and a few moments later I'm allowed to see again.

The seven idiots I for some reason chose to live with sit in a half-circle on the floor at my feet, each holding grocery bags with diversely-shaped contents, one of Toga's hair ribbons tied and stuck on top of each. Atsuhiro smiles, and passes me his.

"You guys…" I say quietly. I'm not worth all this effort, all this money, all this time. It'd be better spent planning missions or buying food or really anything else. It's stupid of them to care so much about something---someone---so worthless.

"Not a word," says Jin, as if he can hear my thoughts. "You're worth it. We saved up for this."

It's not anything like when I was a kid, eagerly tearing open neatly and colorfully wrapped boxes, unsurprised at the high cost of the contents. I'd never thought I was worth any of it deep down, but the ritual was still exciting even if I spent it alone on most occasions. But this is nicer. People around me that actually care. I try to make myself accept it.

Baby wipes from Compress, saying he worries about me showering on the days my scars hurt particularly badly. A book from Spinner, saying he'd read it and thought I'd enjoy it. Eyeliner from Kenji, saying she'd tested it for tear-proofness. A sweater from Kurogiri, saying he'd knitted it himself. Several nail polishes from Himiko, saying she wanted to give me the pastel pink as soon as humanly possible. A My Chemical Romance CD from Twice, saying he wanted to listen to it with me sometime.

When it comes to Tomura, he simply tosses an empty plastic bag onto my lap. "I didn't buy anything."

"Some boyfriend you are," I say teasingly. Really, I'm somewhat grateful. As much as I want to feel wanted, I can't help but see the yen racking up, another day without food for the league, the people I care about most suffering as silently as they're able to.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. My gift to you is that I will leave you alone." He doesn't smile or anything to indicate that he's kidding. "Won't hug you, or try to hold your hand, or anything. You're free."

I push myself off the couch onto my knees, trying to ignore the tugging at my staples. "Tomura…" How do I say it? I don't want to sound like I care too much or anything. "I don't want you to leave me alone. Just...Just when I ask you to, okay?"

Does he think I don't want him? It's difficult to treat him like I do when touch can be so suffocating, so terrifying. Especially with someone like him, who has described laying inches away from me without trying to cling to me like drowning.

I take his hands in mine, careful to leave his fingers to twitch anxiously away from mine. "You deserve to get what you want too."

Tomura smiles up at me, eyes shining a little bit with the effort to remain emotionless at my rare display of affection. "Well, what am I supposed to get you then?"

"Seeing you smile's enough," I say quietly. I regret it instantly.

"Oh, get a room," laughs Magne.

I roll my eyes, and shove myself back up onto the couch. "Thanks, Kenji."

"Always happy to help."

"Well, that's all we have," says Kurogiri, smile showing in his voice. "Let us know if we can do anything for you, but the rest of the day is all yours."

"Enjoy your alone time," says Suichi, helping pull me to my feet. "You're probably not gonna get any more for a long time."

And for once, the thought of being alone terrifies me. If I go alone in that room, how is it any better than those years I spent before the burns, the black hair, the overwhelming hatred?

"Actually, I'd rather hang out here," I say as if it's no matter, as if the thought of closing a door behind me won't send me spiralling back to that ten year old version of myself, screaming and pounding on my walls as a mix of tears and snot pour down my face.

"Oh. Alright, cool." Jin holds out another cupcake to me. "You're positive you don't want this?"

I shake my head, smiling a little. "Thank you guys. For this."

Toga grins. "Anything for our favorite edgelord."

Tomura pushes himself to his feet, snatching the cupcake from Twice. He takes a toungeful of the grainy-looking frosting and smirks at me, passing the cake back covered in saliva. I take his hand, his pinkie sticking out cautiously. "Happy birthday, Dabi." And looking around at them, I finally understand the phrase's meaning.

Click for quality

This is what he's jamming to: https://youtu.be/aWQ_r9nNHt0