#She is the hospital 'i lived bitch' meme

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Had a follow up about the elevated platelets in my blood earlier (theyve stayed the same slightly elevated level so he's not concerned)

Thankfully my pulse wasn't so fast this time that it made the nurse stop and go "uhhhhh are you ok? No chest pains or anything?" Like it was last time lol

[andtheflameswenthigher]

Please Don't Tell Me That I'm Dreaming

Pairing: JD x TZ

Word Count: 1.4k

Slight warning for language and it being hrpf lmao

Title from 'Jamie All Over' by Mayday Parade

A/N: I know like most of this is not accurate at all, especially like time-line wise and the extent of Jamie's injury. I am also aware that they were both in Cabo over the all star break but it didn't fit with my vision™️. Enjoy :)

~

Jamie wasn’t pouting. He wasn’t, fuck you very much, Yorkie. It was perfectly normal to feel like shit after an injury, especially when it was the same shoulder that had caused you to miss an entire season the year before. So to say he wasn’t in the best mood right now would be an understatement. And if he wanted to lock himself inside his brand new Philly apartment and only leave for his PT appointments, he felt like he was entitled to it. It had only been two days since the injury, and his shoulder still hurt like a bitch. The one saving grace was that he wasn’t in a sling this time around. The trainers said it didn’t look too bad, they just didn’t want to risk aggravating the injury further so they were being cautious by placing him on IR. So for right now, he was out for the next couple of weeks, falling back into a routine of no practice and PT sessions everyday. It sucked, a lot, especially since he had only been in Philly for about a month. He was eager to prove his worth to his new team, so of course he had to go and get injured, again. Fucking Penguins, this is why they couldn’t have nice things. 

Jamie was being slightly dramatic, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it. He was hurting, in a bad mood, and alone. The pain in his shoulder had nothing on the loneliness he was feeling. Last time he had been in this situation, he’d had Trevor by his side. Trevor was there to change his ice packs and make sure he wasn’t aggravating his shoulder by trying to lift anything. He had gone into full on mom mode and had banned Jamie from doing anything around the apartment until his shoulder healed. Having him around, as well as the rest of the team and the Duck’s amazing medical staff had been what got him through last season. Now though, he was in a new city, with a new team he had only known for a few weeks, and without Trevor. 

He felt kind of pathetic, admitting how much being away from Trevor was affecting him. It had been so long since he’d lived alone, he was used to always having another presence in the house, especially one that was as loud as Trevor’s. He had thought about asking his mom if she would come down for a few days, but he didn’t want to worry her anymore than he already had. Besides, he didn’t think being bored and lonely was a good enough excuse to get his mom out of work. So instead he was stuck here in his empty apartment, with only Trevor’s texts for company. 

Trevor had been watching the game and saw the hit live. He had been blowing up Jamie’s phone ever since. Trevor had called him as soon as he left the hospital, out of his mind with worry and convinced that Jamie was dying. Jamie had to talk him down from jumping on the first plane out of Anaheim, which he couldn’t exactly blame Trevor for, since he had been about to do the exact same thing when he broke his ankle. Trevor had been insistent that Jamie did not have to fly back to Anaheim literally the day after he had arrived in Philly. Realistically, Jamie knew that, but he was worried and fuck whatever Torts thought, if Trevor needed him he’d be on the next flight out. So, yeah, he couldn’t exactly blame Trevor for his reaction. 

Knowing that Trevor was so concerned made him feel a little bit better. At least he knew he always had someone in his corner. Trevor had been sending hourly ‘checking in’ texts that he was trying, and failing, to pass off as just sending him memes to make him feel better. Jamie could see right through him, knowing just how worried he actually was. It probably didn’t help that Trevor was also injured, so he didn’t have anything to focus on other than their collective injuries. Jamie knew Trevor was struggling, no matter how much he tried to play it off. They were trying their best to make this long distance thing work. It was a first for the both of them though, not used to not being able to see each other every day. They had gotten to spend the All-Star break together, even though most of it was spent packing up Jamie’s stuff and getting it shipped across the country. The one week hadn’t felt like enough though, and being apart was weighing on him more than he’d like to admit. 

No matter how Jamie was feeling about it though, he knew Trevor had it ten times worse. At least he had hockey to focus on, and trying to find housing plus navigate a new city and new teammates had been a good distraction for the last month. Trevor had gotten injured the day after Jamie had left, which meant he didn’t have hockey to focus on like Jamie did. He had tried to be there as much as he could for Trevor, but it was hard when he was on the other side of the country. Jamie knew how bored he had been the first couple weeks of his injury, and he had over 100 Tik Tok messages a day to prove it. One thing every hockey player could agree on was that being injured was the worst. 

Trevor still hadn’t answered his good morning text, which was weird. Even with the time difference, Jamie knew he would be awake by now. Trevor usually had PT early in the mornings, and he always answered his texts first thing. The radio silence was starting to worry him. Jamie knew he was probably being paranoid, it had only been a couple hours since he texted. Trevor was probably busy, or he was late to PT this morning and hadn’t had a chance to check his messages. It was probably nothing, and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with him being bored and lonely. Definitely not. 

~

Jamie was just thinking about ordering lunch when the doorbell rang. It was probably Yorkie coming to make sure he hadn’t died of boredom yet. Jamie rolled his eyes, easing himself off the couch and trying not to jostle his shoulder. The doorbell rings again, and then a third time. 

“Jesus, Yorkie. I’m coming, calm down.” He calls, reaching for the door handle. Jamie opens the door to Trevor standing on his doorstep, wearing shorts and Birkenstocks like it isn’t -15° in Philly right now. His broken ankle is in a boot now, so at least he isn’t trying to balance crutches on top of the suitcase in his left hand. He looks slightly rumpled, like he had been sleeping on the plane on the way here. His hair is squashed on one side, and sticking up like he’s been electrified on the other. Jamie shakes his head, breaking out of his Trevor induced trance long enough to speak. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks, shocked at his boyfriend's sudden appearance. 

“What am I doing here? Jimmy, you almost died!” Trevor shrieks, dropping his suitcase handle. 

“I did not almost die.” Jamie rolls his eyes, but he can’t help the grin that creeps across his face. 

“Well, I don’t know about you, but from the angle I saw it looked like you were on the verge of death.” 

Jamie chuckles, “Are you done being dramatic now?” Trevor straightens up, nodding. “Get in here then so I can kiss you.” A grin spreads across Trevor’s face, he crosses Jamie’s porch in two steps and throws himself into his arms. 

“Ow, watch the shoulder.” Jamie laughs, shifting to hold Trevor with his good arm. Trevor surges up, pressing his lips against Jamie’s. 

“Sorry.” Trevor mumbles against his lips. “I missed you.” 

Jamie smiles, pulling him through the doorway. “I missed you, too.” 

~

It’s not until later that night when they’re laying in bed that Jamie remembers something. 

“So it’s fine for you to fly across the country when I get injured, but I’m not allowed to fly across the country when you’re injured?” 

Trevor lightly slaps him on the chest, already half asleep. “I’m also injured, it doesn’t count. Besides, I waited a few days to make sure it was fine with the trainers. I promised them I’d continue my PT while I was here so they’d let me go.” 

Jamie chuckles, shocked at how well thought out this surprise visit was. “Either way, I’m glad you’re here.” He presses a kiss to Trevor’s forehead, smiling to himself.

[nedpng]

i have something i have been needing to kinda vent abt and this is my private echo chamber bc i have no clout but also i think enough time has passed for me to be able to talk abt it

in sept 2022 my someone i considered my best friend was arrested for a heinous crime. it quite literally changed my life overnight bc this friend and i had what i considered a great life. they were living in their apartment with their gf, their job sucked but it paid amazing, and they were pretty and popular in various community spaces. i was enjoying my life too bc i enjoyed my job in the mountains, loved my coworkers,my family was having a peaceful period, and i was enjoying being single again after my relationship with that one crazy bitch. the queen died that morning (memes were crazy) and i was driving home from work, excited to smoke weed and lay in bed before my weekend started (my job was a 4/10 at a mental health clinic, so i was off fridays+weekends). and then exbesties gf messaged the gc and told us that exbestie was arrested. i immediately messaged the gf, who i call Roomie when i talk abt her on here, to stay put and i drove over to figure out what happened. everything was confusing and there was a lot of information that wasnt lining up. two of our other friends came over and for support and after talking we put the pieces together and realized that whatever exbestie was arrested for… was probably actually true. (in the spring of 2023 they ended up being convicted and found guilty on two counts of … crimes against a minor ☹️)

Roomie n i ended leaning on eachother for a lot of support (i was the bsf and she was the gf). we ended up having romantic feelings for eachother and i honestly struggled with it at first bc i felt like i was betraying my best friend (exbestie is dead to me now). Roomie ended up having a housing crisis bc the income was gone bc exbestie is in jail. we were both having mental health issues and are frankly traumatized by the event. craziness ensued, i lived in that apartment with Roomie for a few months before i had to move us in with my parents (both my parents ended up sick and needing different surgeries and were out of work for months). more chaos bc my parents (dad) are controlling and emotionally abusive. roomie had a mental health crisis and had to be hospitalized for a while last summer. covid hit the house. ive been dealing with untreated pstd. my beloved childhood cat passed away. holidays were tense and sad. i struggled with feeling motivated or hopeful or happy for a long time because of everything.

anyways … currently roomie n i are in love and living with my parents. its not easy and we want to plan to save up and move out again, so we are taking small steps at a time. its hard to feel motivated or have any hope at all, but i love Roomie very much and being with her fills me with happiness and joy and i daydream (with limits) about the day we move out of my parents place and get to be together in our own space and free to live how we want. i have a lot of debt due to my massive manic episode in 2019 but im taking small steps to crawl out of it. anyways

[nobrain-nothoughts]

- city shattering earthquake! Luckily it is completely solved in 2 episodes and has no consequences whatsoever for the city

- I think this is the other gay guy from the destiel memes a few weeks back

- this guy is living (rent free I think) in a large, beautiful, furnished apartment in LA. Who the fuck cares if she's not writing back. Do you want to go back to paying half your wage for an appartment shared with roommates who smoke weed in the living room? Grow up and enjoy having a home. It's not like she's evicting you

-yknow with the church's and confessions they were always Christian but they really ramped it up for a few episodes. Everyone asking to "pray with you"

-why are all the people in this place allergic to divorcing in a timely manner? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE STILL MARRIED? YOU HAVENT SPOKEN IN YEARS

-Maybe I missed something but the whole "ex is apologising cause she used to be a bitch" is weird. She wasn't actually that bitchy. She didn't want to get engaged in a really awkward relationship and her whole "I don't want to come to the hospital" wasn't wrong. It was a bad situation, and she was right to not let herself get trapped.

-she has nerve, complaining about her ex bringing his new man over. Honey, your new man was on the homecoming pictures of your daughter and is currently cooking dinner, you don't get to be pissed.

-also did the sister get a divorce? Cause if she didn't I swear to god

-oh look, it's the "we solved racism" episode

-They don't give storylines a lot of time. The whole custody thing seemed to be a big thing and then woosh. Not a word about it. They have 18 eps thing season, they have time.

I had nothing else to do, so I watched the first ep of 911 on disney+ and in I think chronological order, my thoughts

-this woman does not know the definition of the word emergency

-that is not how a baby works

-THATS NOT HOW WEED WORKS ARE YOU STUPID OR JUST HIGH?

-again, that is not how a baby works

-at least they know the meaning of the word consequences

-nope nvm it's main character disease instead of establishing stakes

-get a goddammed divorce and stop blaming your spouse for the end of your marriage

-I forgot how much I feared American suburbs

Anyway endresult: worse than house in the realism department and severe copaganda but sure, it's entertaining

[kelpiemomma]

Enkyla E042 aka Kells

Her Spartan armor is red and she prefers to melee when possible, and snipe when she can't melee. Legend has it she fought a Gúta with just her armor on and won. While that can't be proved, what CAN be proved is she somehow impressed a Sangheili warrior in the midst of battle enough that he ended up falling for her, though they'd fight each other many times before settling down. Kells claims it was her sense of humor that finally lured him in, and Naqi looks pained whenever he's asked how it happened. Nonetheless, the two share a strong bond and care deeply for each other. Though the amount of times they nearly killed one another before getting together is a bit... alarming.

Taller than most of the people around her, and stronger as well for being a Spartan, Kells is fairly no-nonsense and straightforward. She doesn't get embarrassed easily and tends to ignore ribbing from others. She's actually quite solitary, though once she bonds with someone it's air-tight. She's never been loud but after losing so many of her team, despite their newness to her, on Reach has led to her being even quieter. She's had difficulties getting attached to others since being recovered from Reach; the only true companion she's found is Naqi, and she refuses to entertain an AI. Her expression is most often flat and impenetrable, though it's not uncommon to see a smile on her face when she speaks to Qey.

[istherewifiinhell]

Reading progress: chapter 300 (what the fuck)

reading highlight: this time with. so so many probably inaccurately copied quotes. forgive me. i was trying to eat my own pen. and also notebook. and also arm.

Square brackets are. when not quoting text. my own meta reactions or clarifications

280 Cheok jungyeong tries to uplift the ppl and fight outer god. I do love him.

sword saint and kyrgios. battle couple

Indescribable Distance. great name for a (baby girl) unknowable horror.

281 kdj bullshit. commence.

[often i lose track of whose taking but in this section they were focusing on jhw] "I can't let you go! don't go alone again! please! Dokja-Hyung!"

swk (looks at) his friend ABFD (looks at) his adversary CJY (gives) furious yell

oh yjh baby

live and death companions is silent

yjh spoke in a trembling voice

282 txt revision yjh is fucked up and depressed

kdj told ysa the plan in ADVANCE

indescribable distance -> Oh like the pale? (DE)

■ final chapter OR eternity. inch resting

283 sprawling chaos

SP "I don't agree with your methods but I'm curious" the kdjc story

284 SP and wenny man ominous interlude

(bunch of constellations dying in front of him) kdj picking up video game items

"For a brief second I felt my heart stop. Scarred muscles could be seen through the torn sleeves of the coat. I looked at the trajectory of the sword against the ground and emotions filled my heart."

285 middle school kdj made a yjh whisperer chart

"Son of a bitch you have to let me talk to you" classic

kdj lack understanding to 2nd level orv (ugly crying meme)[on kdj side]

4th wall trying to fry yjh brain with the greatest hits comp

286 only person who can debuff yjh? yjh. regression depression [YOUD THINK THAT WOULDNT U]

the angels are just chilling with kdj?

"He will commit terrible destruction and shall destroy the mighty and holy people" gabriel girl what the fuck

kdj literally "you dont have all the facts" the facts being? "i love him..."

gabriel has seen uriels amvs and okays it

kdj aggravates regression depression. hold his hand and tell him happy moments. you know. to torment. him.

Ethics??

288 giant baby monster. skyscraper height

angel conversational interlude -> "they were fighting and holding each others by the collar a few hours ago". welcome to dokhyuk

kdj seemed to be stroking yjh head. -> excuse me?

gabriel comparing dokhyuk to her and uriel. HELLO?

kdj making yjh eat soil. ETHICS...

289 "bear like man lhs" i stay winning

↳ kdj are u gonna cry about seeing him

knw! hi!

290 this patient is allergic to animal related stories

HDH! hi!

this is a hospital and base of operations?

mjw!

hsy... did what kdj would have done. but without yjh.

hsy... two of them

291 hsy multiplicity moments (orv doesn't work)

ppl crowd yjh like an attraction

yjh eyes became hot and his heart stuffy -> crying? anger?

yjh remembers from 4th wall. uriel doll... like a child first learning to speak "uriel"

292 hankim. dressed the same. playing mind games. socratic

lhs gives piggy back to hsy

hsy power b/c nothing is truly original + TWOS is just that bad

Damnit. I had no choice but to agree. In order for this world to be complete, Yoo Joonghyuk... Han Sooyoung stared at me. She seemed to understand what i was thinking. "You know by now, I don't need him in this world." The plagiarist, who dreamt of a world beyond the original told me "I know how to kill YJH"

293 Hsy probability based arthritis

HSY grabbing YJH chin. pulling out a cig. howd you get so cool hsy...

294. 1863 lhs is still a sad dog boy huh

knw... kdj is giving girl advice?.... no never mind hes talking about how handsome yjh is.

1863 got to read orv... and it reg deps him

295 SP really wanted 1863 to die huh?

hsy to kill yjh by sealing the earth. an eternal sleep. no dreams no waking. (to die. to sleep. No more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartbreak and 1000 natural shocks that flesh is heir to)[the final chapter... or eternity]

"It is a deception" "Some call it salvation"

defiance to yjh sponsor... always

296 YJH ORV JFC

"I watched Yjh, I heard it clearly. I was still listening [I want to live]"

kdj would see the end with these ppl and find a way back

"The world that you showed me? Does it really exist"

297 "Does the world where you live really exist?" [its the emphasis change thats killing me here]

hsy "Is it cause of this guy? Did this guy do something to your spirit? Didn't you want to die so badly? Aren't you tired? Don't you want to stop preforming scenarios?"

yjh desperate for hope hsy begging for pragmatism kdj (deluded) faith in a only win scenario

yjh agreed to become enemy of the world, lost everything -> unites the world

yjh "does it (exist)?" kdj "I didn't know if saying would be comforting to yjh. I cried out with all my might [It exists]"

kdj ready to spend 3-5 years here to win both 1863 and then return to 3rd turn. yjh wont let him

"the dazzling light filled the air with ashes, revealing a pale reality. In it yjh was walking towards a world we didn't know."

298 "Yjh escaped from being a character"

lhs beautiful bear like idiot. knew hsy was tricking them. went with it anyway

yjh "wanted to write a new story in a very sincere manner. that's the condition for the author trait"

TWOS written by? large baby?

299 yjh dead "It's no longer a novel" 4th wall activated

oh no (checks notes) Jophiel dont sacrifice yourself

J: I don't believe in you (kdj) but i have something to ask.... bruh

"Someone was left and someone was leaving. No matter what was chosen, everyone would eventually reach their end." (Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.)

lhs continues to imprint on kdj

"Even without me the 3rd round would be fine for a lone time" "How can you be so sure?" HSY stared at me suspiciously. "You are there" -> WHAT THE FUCK AFFECTIONATE KDJ HANKIM MOMENT

rotating: okay. okay. alright. where to even fucking start. small. start small. kdjs friends have even cottoned on pretty well to his bullshit. jhw in particular doesnt want him to do things alone. shouldnt you give people the choice to stand (and die) with you. than leave and die and force them to keep living alone. this is a secret tool that will help us later

im considering. the weight put on endings. ■■. the closer it is to meaning, truly, an end. the more... auspicious? and is an end a finite or infinite thing. final chapter or eternity. death or endless sleep. life or forever regression

im considering. stories. and ownership. and what does it mean to end one. rewrite one. does it change you. does it change the original story. are they gone forever. could they every truly stay. the moment you reread the story. isnt it different. kdj cant let go of 1863 by his own volition (always... volition). it meant everything to him. from middle school to 28 years of age. TWOS yjh saved him. HSY, who, in so many ways is kdj, and in so many was, is not. has no loyalty to yjh. she can make this world without him, she can write beyond it. she will put this world to bed and she will create something else. 1863 yjh has nothing. no companions, no hope, just loss. and 4th tells him the story of our 3rd turn. OF. ORV. and this is what he needs. to live and die. to leave. to try again. to person himself once more, to act and not react. possibly. killing himself, killing this story, is an act of creation too

and. speaking of yjh and being a person. we. i gotta talk about this. and im gonna try and make sense and use sentences but. i have. just. why did they have kdj caress yjh and put him in a highly suggestible state by whispering sweet (tormenting) nothings to him. what... what what what. do you think they meant by that (they meant to torment me....). With making him follow kdj very command. With making him incapable of acting *without* the command. He's an attack dog. Bodyguard. Instrument for violence. Kdj also makes him eat dirt. Kdj also tells him to go to bed (and then to sleep. He needed to be told to *sleep*). The people in the 1863 base crowd around him. They gawk. The world's enemy and most dangerous person. Docile. A toy? Hsy grabs him by the chin, inspects him. He's a thing. Kdj. In knowing everything about him. With tenderness. In an act of terrible love. To avoid having to kill him. Unmakes his person. What the ever living fuck am I supposed to do with that.

[smallblip]

You asked, I deliver! Part II of Accidental baby acquisition💖 I lost one of the asks 😩 but anon who asked about baby Udo, I named the baby in your honour! Saddle up cowboys! I’m not good with sequels but here we are-

Babygate:

the scandal that implies that a certain boy band member cheated on his partner (another band member) and had a kid even when the mom was never pregnant.

- urban dictionary

—

Reiner thinks things are alright. Life is definitely picking up. Pieck still sends him excerpts of her dirty fanfiction to proofread, Bertholdt is still doing all he can to “retire at 30”, Annie might have eloped with said boyfriend. But he’s seeing Porco on the regular now, he’s really cute, he’s got a nice ass. Reiner can’t complain.

He’s also recently donated his Levi Ackerman standee. Only because it’s getting increasingly hard to reconcile the fact that he has a life sized cutout of his colleague’s boyfriend in his room.

What he can complain about is said colleague (and friend) dropping bombs on him. He’s one of the moderators of one of the bigger No Name servers. Sometimes he wonders if that’s a conflict of interest because, well, he knows the guy on a first name basis. But today he has other concerns. He sees his notifications blowing up and decides to go on the No Name server. And lo and behold. There’s a paparazzi shot of Levi and Hanji with a stroller taking a walk in a new channel called “MYSTERY FAMILY?”.

He cancels his plans with Porco. “Don’t text me for the next few hours, got a fire to fight.” He clicks send, and feels kinda bad, so he sends Porco really dank meme to appease him. (That doesn’t stop Porco from doing exactly what Reiner told him not to do and demanding an explanation every five minutes).

He forces himself to take a deep breath before texting Hanji-

“Hanji… I don’t mean to be rude but…

WHAT THE FUCK?”

—

So here begins babygate. A conspiracy theory that took the Internet by storm.

“Levi Ackerman had a secret marriage! He was keeping this from us from the start!”

“It’s a publicity stunt to keep No Name relevant during their hiatus!”

“It’s an elaborate scheme by the company to punish Levi for announcing the hiatus without their knowledge!”

“Levi’s mystery partner was sent by the lizard people to take control of his mind and produce half-lizard, half-human hybrid babies to take over the world! What a bitch!” (This is Hanji’s favourite).

And the internet’s favourite- this is all an elaborate scheme to cover up the scandalous love affair between Levi and Eren- the band’s guitarist.

“What the fuck?” Levi had said during dinner once, to which Reiner had to swallow his food and pretend he never read or actively looked up ereri content. Yes. Reiner knows the name of their ship.

Levi hadn’t been too worried before, but when pictures of them shopping for baby stuff leaked online, something snaps. Something snaps and Erwin tells him he needs more time to figure out the biggest PR crisis in No Name history.

It’s Levi. Levi is the PR crisis.

So in the meantime, no shock reveals, no more social media, (if possible) no more leaving the house with pregnant girlfriend in tow. “Don’t do ANYTHING.” Erwin had said, “especially not you!” Erwin had directed that at Eren, who suggested he makes an announcement. Erwin shudders. He remembers all the past scandals they got themselves into just because Eren, bless him, didn’t know when to shut up.

“I’m sorry…” Levi says to Hanji when they’re cuddled up on the couch watching a documentary on whale migration.

“Huh?” Hanji says, voice muffled through her incessant sniffling because “whales are delivered tail first, Levi! They wear their mothers like hats!”

He apologises for putting her through the mess that is him and his job. And Hanji smiles at him. He wonders if their kid will look like her. He’s hoping they would.

“Levi…” Hanji sighs, taking his face in her hands, “that night at the bar I thought to myself ‘this man has a face I would risk it all for’… I think this counts within the realms of ‘all’”

Levi scoffs, but a smile is threatening the corners of his lips. Erwin’s nagging over the phone fades a little and he sinks a little lower into the couch. He sighs one more time for good measure before saying-

“So… you wanna know which my favourite babygate theory is?”

—

“And you’re really not bothered by all this?” Reiner asks, in an emergency meeting that he had scheduled into her calendar. He hates that he’s packing things into her already busy schedule when she’s about to pop but, he figures it’s better now than when the baby’s actually out. He had booked a meeting room and everything, figuring if he projected some of the crazy shit they’re saying on the fan boards up on screen, Hanji would start taking this seriously. Because if Reiner knows anything, it’s that the fans will do anything to keep their ship afloat.

He scrolls past another post on the lizard people and Hanji gets him to pause.

“I mean… A little?” Hanji pinches her fingers together.

“Hanji…” Reiner sighs, “you and Levi discuss and rate babygate conspiracy theories you find online I don’t think you’re taking this seriously at all…”

Hanji looks at Reiner- an absolute state of panic. And she considers panicking for a moment. She’s read articles dissecting babygate and although they’re absolutely batshit, Hanji appreciates how well-researched they are. Which is a little scary. To be fair to Levi, he’s been trying to get her to worry. “I can’t keep you safe all the time, you have to be careful” like he’s going off to war somewhere. But it’s not in Hanji nature to worry about things like this. She’s a researcher at a lab who lived an ordinary life up until the point the universe hit her with a-

Sike! Levi Ackerman is your baby daddy! What are you gonna do about it?

And now she knows what headcanons and lemons are, and she really doesn’t know what to do with that knowledge. So Hanji decides, she’ll do nothing. She’ll go on indulgently long walks Levi in tow, she’ll talk his ear off about work. And like a good girlfriend, she’ll listen to his demos (and enjoy them) and tell him “are you sure anger rhymes with danger?”.

“I don’t really know how to worry about anything beyond our samples getting contaminated…” Hanji says, sheepish. Reiner sighs. He doesn’t want to be a wet blanket on Hanji’s life. He wants to be fun Reiner. Cool as a cucumber. Reiner who manages to make it through dinner at Hanji’s without having to excuse himself to hyperventilate in her bathroom because Levi is right there. And he’s so afraid that he might just be able to read his mind and find out he had looked up Levi Ackerman x y/n fanfiction once in his foolish youth (youth being approximately four months back)

Reiner shudders.

“Yeah okay… That’s um… That’s cool… Right?” He says.

Hanji shrugs.

—

So Levi Ackerman is your baby daddy. Now what?

You go into labour of course, with a matter of fact- “oh. Look Levi. The water broke.” All while refusing to leave the house until you demolish that amazing sandwich he made for you. You go into labour and you yell and grunt like a beast as you squeeze the life out of your baby daddy because he kinda deserves it. You both kinda deserve this pain. Take it as heavenly punishment for being horny and stupid if you will.

And in the middle of it Hanji thinks huh, this feels like a mix of a reality TV show from MTV and a badly written fanfiction. Except Hanji isn’t a teen mom and she’s too old for self-insert fiction that involves a lead singer of a popular band.

But Levi is here, and he doesn’t complain one bit even though he looks like he’s about to pass out. So as far as drunken one night stands go- this is pretty damn aspirational.

The baby enters the world with a huge cry.

“Kid’s got a huge set of lungs…��� Levi says, but his own voice is quivering.

“Just like her dad…” Hanji smiles.

As he watches Hanji fall asleep with their baby on her chest, Levi thinks fuck it. Fuck keeping this under wraps. Fuck the fans and them enjoying how Eren gets on his nerves. Fuck Erwin and his “Levi. You’re giving me a headache. You are the cause of this headache.” Because the baby has Hanji’s nose and his eyes and he loves them more than anything in the world.

He snaps a picture of them and tags bigdaddyzoë-

“Welcome to the world, my love.”

—

Reiner can’t help the tears that well in his eyes after seeing the picture Hanji had sent him of the baby-

“He says hi to his favourite uncle!” Was the caption, and Reiner could only reply with a crying cat meme and an incoherent text that Hanji favourites.

He’s on the bus on the way to the hospital when his phone buzzes incessantly. It’s Porco.

“REINER WHAT THE FUCK.”

“LEVI ACKERMAN IS HANJI ZOË’S BABY DADDY?”

“HANJI ZOË MY PHD SUPERVISOR?”

“LEVI ACKERMAN OF NO NAME?”

“REINER WHAT THE FUCK?”

He sends a reply at the entrance of the hospital-

“Welcome to my world”

—

Reiner thinks things are alright. He’s one of the moderator of one of the bigger No Name servers, so he can block and remove people at his discretion. Some days he lets it get to his head. It makes him feel like a king. But today, he’s putting out fires.

Erwin decided their PR strategy was absolutely no strategy, because “they’re zooming in on the pixels Levi. Once they doubt the pixels, they won’t believe anything we’re saying”. With that. Babygate has officially taken on a life of its own. Eren still sends Levi babygate articles to annoy him, and to Hanji because she asked very nicely. Hanji thinks Erwin’s strategy makes sense, Levi thinks it’s just lazy. But Erwin framed a certificate that says “survived a PR crisis (sort of)” that Hanji had insisted be hung up on their wall, so that closes one chapter. Besides, Eren has been spotted going out on dates with a mystery girl. Which has the double effect of diverting attention away from Levi and exacerbating babygate because “see? Told you the company’s doing all they can to prove they’re not together!”

“Can’t you keep it in your pants?” Levi had thrown at Eren, to which he had responded cleverly with a-

“Could’ve said the same for you!”

Touché…

“See? That can’t be Levi! Look at how he’s smiling!”

“That can’t be a baby! Looks like an animatronic to me!”

“Do they even make animatronics that realistic?”

Reiner pins his “no slander” rule- one day they’ll get it. Or at least he would’ve gotten rid of all the people that don’t.

“Who’s this bigdaddyzoë anyway?”

“Maybe she isn’t real? Company probably invented her…”

“Heard she’s a crazy groupie who got knocked up…”

“Heard she’s hot…”

… several people are typing

—

“So… I heard from Reiner you were defending my honour in the server?” Hanji quirks an eyebrow.

Levi shrugs. Whatever goes down in the server stays between Leviackerman173810 (leviackerman and all 173809 permutations of said username had already been taken) and the hundreds of people who haven’t quite figured out he’s the real deal. Besides, Erwin has issued him three warnings so it’s best to lay low for now.

“My hero…” Hanji chuckles, pressing a kiss on Levi’s head. Below them, baby Udo wriggles and yawns against the fabric of Levi’s shirt. Cute.

So Levi Ackerman is your baby daddy. Now what? You look at your son and know he’s going to break hearts like his father of course. And if you’re Levi, you pray to god he never asks about babygate because Hanji has read up enough about it to be considered a connoisseur.

One day the internet will break when they find out the identity of bigdaddyzöe. But for now baby Udo has his parents wrapped around his tiny fingers and he doesn’t quite understand the concept of him being the spawn of every typical band member x y/n fanfiction. Or the centre of a very popular, very absurd, yet strangely believable internet conspiracy theory. Or the canon plot that has sunk one of the biggest No Name ships. And that’s okay.

[random-french-girl]

Could you possibly do a goodfoe/shoni brotp? Thank you!!

Hi Anon!

Sorry it took me so long to do this! Since Toni and Shelby are canonically... not just friends, I’m gonna answer this brotp meme with some romantic stuff, obviously. Here you go!

What in-jokes do they have with each other?

There MUST be an inside joke involving lychees. When they all live together post canon and Shelby adds “lychees :P” to their grocery list on the fridge every time it’s Toni’s turn to go grocery shopping... the first time Toni takes a pic and sends it to the group chat with like eye emoji + fire emoji because she wants everyone to know she’s gonna get laid tonight but all that happens is that the other girls reply with various iteration of “oh you’re going to the store? can you pick up some chips” and “dont forget the milk”. Very disappointing. 

Are they the “I’ll pay this time if you pay next time”-type friends, or the “I’ll pay for my food and you’ll pay for yours”-type friends?

Oh they’re gonna fight about who pays Every Single Time, methinks. It’s not serious though, they’re just both stubborn and wanna treat their gf. Unless Toni’s like: “You should pay, actually. Hashtag reparations.”

Who’s more prone to pranking, or otherwise messing with, the other?

Shelby, 100%. Toni loves it.

How do they text/message each other? Proper punctuation and capital letters, egregious overuse of emojis, mostly in meme format…?

Lots of emojis (hearts... hearts everywhere...). Toni definitely sends memes. 

Do they exchange jokey birthday presents, or deeply thought-out and meaningful presents? Or both?

Thoughtful, probably? Although I don’t know if either of them are super gift-oriented. 

They go on a road trip together. Who drives, who picks the music, who’s in charge of snacks?

Shelby drives. Toni picks the music (non negotiable, she’s never giving that much power to Shelby ever again, she still has nightmares about having to listen to christian rock). They both pick snacks thinking of what the other would want most, so they end up with their favorite snacks even if they didn’t buy them themselves :’)

What do they think of each other’s family?

OH BOY. Toni thinks they’re the worst kind of homophobic & racist white christians, full offense :) Shelby’s probably... very protective of Toni when it comes to her mom, but also very supportive if Toni wants to reconnect with her? 

Do they have any nicknames for each other?

I guess “princess”, but only if Toni is angry at her, so I’m not sure that counts. Shelby starts calling her “baby” after like, a year of dating, which makes Toni’s brain explode. Martha thinks it’s both adorable and hilarious. 

Who’d be the first to try and patch things up if they had a fight?

Toni! 

One of their phones goes off in the middle of the night. Who’s calling whom, and why?

Toni would call her without regards for Shelby’s sleep schedule, yes. It’s because she loves their talks, and she misses her :’)

What’s their favourite funny story about something that happened to the two of them?

Hmmm. Toni probably LOVES telling the story of their first kiss. (”She couldn’t resist my raw sex appeal any longer...” “Toni, that’s not how it happened at all.”)

Would they do a joint cosplay? If so, who would they dress up as?

Oh, I can see Shelby convincing Toni to do a couple costume for Halloween, but only if Toni gets to look Really Cool. Cue Fatin taking pictures of them like the mom in Mean Girls. 

Do they have any TV shows that they watch together? Are there any shows they have wildly different opinions on?

Toni tries to get Shelby to watch detective/mystery shows with her, which doesn’t work. Shelby likes teen shows, but Toni’s not a fan of the drama. Eventually, Martha tells them to try Planet Earth and they love it! Very relaxing, ideal for cuddling, and they both love animals. 

Which one is the “fight me” friend and which one is the one who tries to keep the peace and prevent their friend from punching a total stranger?

Toni is the fight me one. Shelby is very good at keeping the peace, but also will not hesitate to cut a bitch if necessary - and she’s much more terrifying than Toni when it comes to it.

One of them comes up with an ill-advised but mostly harmless idea. Does the other one egg them on because they think it’ll be funny, or try and talk them out of it?

Shelby tries to talk Toni out of ill-advised ideas. With only mixed success. 

Who would win if they arm-wrestled?

Shelby, but only because Toni lets her win every time.

Who’s better at what type of video games, and how competitive are they when they play together?

Toni’s better, because she has a bit more experience. They’re actually VERY competitive. It’s insufferable to play with them.

One of them ends up in hospital for something serious but not life-threatening. What does the other bring along when they visit in order to cheer them up?

Shelby brings Toni so much chocolate. And candy. 

How huggy are they?

They both love hugs! Very physically affectionate in general, once they are fully comfortable with each other.

What was the moment when they first realized that they’d become friends?

Hmm. Complicated question in canon, tbh. I think Toni probably realizes there’s more to Shelby than what she thought in episode 7 - that’s when she makes an effort to be nice and comfort Shelby after Leah goes on her lil rant. This might also be the moment for Shelby, actually? It’s their first real conversation after all, the first time they actually connect and share stuff about themselves. 

[grayintogreen]

Is it bad that the first thing I thought about when I saw you new theme was that children’s hospital meme? lol Now for my real question. Do you have any thoughts on Lucien's childhood dream? Cause I can only imagine him as a 5yo saying "I'm gonna be a GOD" to which someone said "You can't do that-" so of course he replied with "no I'm gonna" and then he did just that.

When you have Blood Hunters and Blood Clerics on staff, it's easy to promote color theory!

OKAY SO. OH BOY. DO I HAVE THOUGHTS. BUCKLE UP.

I don't think Lucien developed his God Complex (TM) until the Claret Orders, so put a pin in that for now. We'll get to that.

So here's the thing about Luci, Lulu, Lulubelle, Luci-my-love, Luci-not-a-Satan-allegory-en, sweet boy who did nothing wrong ever (citation needed). Matt doesn't SAY he had a traumatic past, but he also heavily implies it through Lucien refusing to talk about it, getting angry when anyone tries to make him, and being extremely defensive about his upbringing. Add that to almost EVERY CHARACTER from Shadycreek Run being miserable in one way or another, and you can probably guess he is a trauma-laden little bitch.

Since Lucien is (1. very intelligent for someone who came out of the Run (2. highly imaginative and (3. seems to be fond of books, I tend to skew him being self-taught and an avid reader. I like the idea of him stealing Exandria equivalent pulp paperbacks wherever he can, and those kind of stories are usually pretty formulaic. In a fantasy world, I'm sure they even trend more towards Chosen One narratives, because that's the kind of immersion fantasy ALL AGES are into, because in this sort of world those things are happening everywhere. People are plucked from their lives and set on grand adventures.

And baby Lucien was probably fascinated by that! The idea that these humble people who led miserable lives could one day meet the right people or the right wizard or get visited by a god and then suddenly become IMPORTANT and respected. Here is this kid who can already tell he's different- he's set apart by being a tiefling in a place that is really not kind to them and he's smarter than the people around him, which gives him his "gifted kid" superiority complex. Of course, he'd look at these stories, see he has all the hallmarks of a "main character" and think OKAY MY TIME WILL COME.

So from a young age, you have this kid dealing with trauma after trauma and effectively just waiting for a cute anime mascot character to come along and tell him how important he is, because through being a kid in a dangerous place who can't really escape his situation, he doesn't really have any other choice but to dream impossibly.

And then he finds other kids. He finds his little troupe of equally tragic people that he can lead. Still no great destiny, but then he finds the Claret Orders and now surely THIS will be what lets him find his dream.

But the Claret Orders are a unified front of BUNCHES of people with cool powers they got by poisoning themselves and committing to a cause that Lucien probably doesn't believe in at best and will become disgusted by eventually at worst. Not only that, but Bloodhunters are all intelligent, so Lucien, Gifted Kid of Shadycreek Run, has gone from being unique to a cog in a wheel.

And no one is coming to offer him a destiny.

And then he hears about the Raven Queen. (Remove that pin, we're here.)

This is what gets me, because the Raven Queen is the patron goddess of the Claret Orders. She INVENTED Bloodhunters. The Blood Domain was HERS before other gods co-opted it for their portfolios. So there's no way that however many years Lucien spent in the Orders he wasn't constantly hearing about her ascension, about how she was a Champion once who overtook a cruel deity and replaced him and people revere her for that! And then her methods were sealed away and every soul that's tried to do what she did was struck down. That's strange. And a bit unfair. But what if there was a way to do what she did and be just as revered as her?

So here's where Lucien's god complex kicked in, likely as a sixteen-year-old, so still very much a baby. When he couldn't get handed a destiny the way his baby brain expected him to be as a traumatized kid seeking hope and comfort, he decided his dream would be to make one for himself. He'd become so powerful he could change the shape of the world, exactly as the Raven Queen did. So he left the Orders and their hypocrisy and their dedication to an usurper goddess and just became a mercenary with his posse, hunting for treasure and trying to unlock the secrets of the world using the abilities that the Orders gave him.

So when you throw this all together, the Somnovem came for his life HARD. They branded him the Nonagon, their herald, their chosen. They had a disdain for the gods and a desire to overtake them. They were judged and condemned dreamers. All of this made him completely unable to see ANY of the red flags involved and drove him full-tilt into madness, because it was everything he wanted for YEARS just handed to him exactly as he wanted it. So of course he built a script that he expected to be followed to the letter, of course his best friends went from found family to a cult (this is what Lucien always said he deserved, after all, and if he got it then this means holy shit he IS special and chosen by a higher power and we'd be stupid not to be his disciples and get in on the ground floor of that power trip).

And then when even the Somnovem betrayed his trust in them, he went "well if the Raven Queen can turn on her god and take his power, then so can I" and came back to the material plane with a new script, three times as broken as he started out as, because even if he didn't want to admit it, all the stories had been wrong and being the Chosen One can absolutely suck, and he'd sooner go fully insane and rewrite the world the way he wanted it to be (a dream made real where he is the sole dreamer) than admit that there was never going to be an ending to this story that satisfied him.

[caleb-is-existing]

Incorrect Quotes of the 118 but it's what my friends and I have said (1/5)

Bobby: “make the 118 great again” disclaimer we are not old conservative white men

---

Buck: you can't kill me if I kill myself first

---

Harry: Hey mom I have to shit do I have to take the cat with me?

Athena: What the fuck?!

---

Ravi: Sup straights and gays

---

Hen: Jesus take the wheel

*Back wheel falls off*

Hen: NOT THAT WHEEL

---

Harry: I have midgets dressed as snow elves inside my basement watching pirated western films

---

Ravi: Stop complaining about your life, there are literally people who live in Wyoming

---

Denny: Make another reference to that Mordetwi meme and there will be more than just stars shooting tonight

---

Ravi: I punched my elderly music teacher in the groin because she called me pathetic

---

Eddie: Buck decided to eat the crumbs in the microwave and now we are at the hospital

---

Chim: Beastiality is not a sin, it's a lifestyle

---

Ravi: Onion ranch

---

Bobby: “And here is another old dead white guy we need to remember” -My psychology teacher

---

Denny: when you turn your hands off

---

May: Bouta throw hands with God, wish me luck bitches

---

[needcake]

Another question for ya: what's your favourite thing that you've written and why?

THIS IS SUCH A HARD ASK RAINBOW WHY

I have one unfinished Naruto fic that is ancient from when I was 17 (it was NaruHina bc I'm a basic bitch (◕‿◕)) haha I used to have it up on ffnet but I purged my accounts a few years ago so it now only resides in my hard drive. Even though it's old and probably now very good anymore, it will always have a special place in my heart for being what I wanted to write at the time and for all the positive feedback I got from it from my friends (someone even stole it to post it on orkut! *gasp*), it was a story about them being older and feeling out of place in a world they didn't think they fit anymore, which in retrospect was very telling of my 17-year-old self haha

But within Hetalia, I have not one, but a few favorites haha

The first one is an entry to the Kink Meme, the whole anonymous aspect of km to me was great because I wasn't very confident with my English yet and it allowed me opportunity to try new things without exposing myself too much if it turned out to be awful haha

It's a RusCan fill, a simple drunk pwp that I wanted to try a different drabble format of doing 100 words in the first paragraph, 90 in the second and so on until I reached 10 in the last. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out.

-

The second one is one that used to be up on lj, but now only lives in my hard drive as well haha It would have to go through a massive rewrite because there are SO many things wrong with it, from disconnected verb tenses to poor choice of words, but it also has a special place in my heart.

It was a character study for Belarus, and I spent a lot of time trying to make it concise and a little bit poetic because I wanted the segments of her history to flow like a memory.

Here's a part of it from the 90's and the fall of the Soviet Union (I had to clean it up a little before posting haha):

There was a crisis at the Kremlin, but she didn’t think much of it because there was always a crisis at the Kremlin. Except this time they entered their house during the night, took her brother to a psychiatric hospital, and said things would be different in the morning. When she finally realized what was happening, her sister, Lithuania and everyone else had already gone away. Only Kazakhstan remained, sitting by the window of their shattered house. He watched as she pulled on her coat and scarf and gloves. There wasn’t judgment in his eyes, no matter how much Belarus wished there were. It would be easier if he blamed her for not staying with her brother, but he didn’t, so it wasn’t. Truth was, she didn’t want to be there when her brother came back. She didn’t want another king or a tsar or a tyrant. “Happy new year,” was the last thing she heard before the end of their Union.

It was also my first try at Kazakhstan who turned out to be one of my favorites from the Soviet block, and it made me enjoy Belarus as a character so much more. (I have A TON of problems with her canon version, Hima why do you hate women?)

-

I have a few Cold War RusAme drabbles that make me very proud of my younger 20 something self, which I reposted here.

I'm particularly proud of Winter of our discontent and Missiles on parade.

-

Of the new stuff I'm still riding the high of novelty, so I'd have to give them a few years to see what stands out, but I'm very proud of We meet in the middle and the drabble Cherish, I thought they came out nicely.

This was PAINFUL hahaha but thank you for the ask!

[theskywaslookingback]

You can’t just say that and Not tell us more about your oc’s 👀

(I started writing the response to this at work and it got uhhh long, sorry. Also I came home and then had to drive back to work to activate a keycard so you know...that's why this took like nine hours to post, sorry. And thank you both for asking!)

*shows up six hours late with Starbucks and a powerpoint presentation*

Welcome! Have a seat! We might be here for a while :3c

So like I guess about six years ago or so I started a pet project that I told my friends about calling it “the novel I’ll never write” which has spiraled out of control and now lives in my mind rent free but also refuses to be written down. (I even made a blog for it @thisisnotanovel and my friends and I call it tinan) It’s changed several times in the last few years as I’ve made plot changes and character changes but the basis remains pretty much the same.

“This Is Not A Novel” is not a novel about Alecsandyr “It’s Alec, asshole” Summers (who a friend once called Alex sand hair dryer and now I can’t stop calling him that in my head) who’s a mid-twenties burn out who lives with his mom, dropped out of college, and has severe anxiety and depression issues. While on a trip with his mom to visit his grandfather up in Alaska, he steals his stepfather’s car and tries to take it for a joyride. He crashes pretty spectacularly, and it’s literal luck that he survives the crash - though, if asked he wouldn’t call it luck, he’d call it a failed suicide attempt like he’s failed everything else in his life. Anyway he gets air lifted to a hospital and is put on life support.

Now, Alec’s mom is a piece of shit and she makes no secret that she hates her son and hates that he still lives with her and doesn’t want him around. She starts asking the doctors when they would know for sure if he’s going to make it and starts making funeral arrangements even before he gets out of surgery. (Syl, you might be saying, this isn’t how hospitals work. And my answer is that it’s my not novel and I get to make up what I want. I’ll do actual research if I decide to write it.) All of this gets the attention of Alec’s nurse, Dante Lebasque.

Dante is an older, sympathetic man (who in my mind version of this not novel as a not movie is Idris Elba) and he decides that if Alec does have to fully go on life support and if Alec’s mother decides to let him go then he’s going to do something about it. Because -and this is where my emo 2007 self comes into full spotlight- Dante is the head of a small vampire coven, so in order to preserve Alec’s life he decides to turn him into a vampire.

So imagine you’ve decided that you’re going to steal a car, okay? And that you’re going to drive that car off the side of a mountain. And there’s pain and then it’s dark...and then you wake up in a coffin. Because that’s how Alec’s shit goes down. He’s laying there, fully dressed in a suit he’s never worn, and somehow he can see? And he’s not breathing? And his heart isn’t beating? And he’s starving?? And of course he’s freaking out because he’s locked in a box of some kind and he has no clue where he is or why and then suddenly there’s shifting sounds and scraping metal and he’s blinking up at a solid black sky and the greenest eyes he’s ever seen and a deep voice saying “Took a bit longer than we thought. Welcome to the legion of the undead, kid.”

And that’s how we meet Richard Davis, like 100 years old but somehow also the most “new and with it” of the group. He is the hipster meme personified. He used to like Starbucks but now he’s really into this one coffee chain you’ve never heard of. He doesn’t listen to music, actually, just Gregorian chanting. His last living breath was probably saying “well, actually.” And he’s Alec’s guardian, the one who teaches him how to like, ya know, be a vampire. Alec calls him Dick.

Also at the graveside is an angel of a woman, wearing a white dress with bright curly red hair. The first thing Alec notices about her is that she’s barefoot. Her name is Erika Chambers and where Richard is blunt and impatient she’s kind and measured. She was turned by a different vampire and left to fend for herself and she killed a lot of people before killing her sire. When Dante found her she was practically feral and just looking to be taken out by a hunter. He helped her understand what was happening to her but let her decide if she wanted to stay. She did, and she’s never left.

Alec hates all of this. It’s a special hell to want to die and not be allowed to. He refuses to believe that Dante turned him for purely selfless reasons.

When Dante has meetings with the governing council, Alec finds a way to spy on him and overhear, which is how he learns that Dante’s coven was about to be absorbed into a larger one because it was too small and he needed more coven members. Alec is furious and tries to leave but Richard stops him and explains that fledglings can’t go anywhere without a guardian. Alec tries to fight Richard and loses.

Alec confronts Dante later and Dante admits that, yes, part of the reason he turned Alec was because he was about to lose his coven, but it was also because he didn't want to see a young life ended so soon blah blah blah.

So during that fight Alec totally forgets about this other part he heard between Dante and the council where they mention some concern about missing vampires from smaller covens that they haven't heard from in a while and Dante mentions that they were loners and they'll likely show up in a few years.

But alas! They have been murdered! By my favorite villain of all time, Ariadne Rosewood, who is a witch using immortal blood to keep herself immortal.

So you have Alec struggling with himself and his feelings of self worth and depression vs his struggle to trust those around him vs the larger villain that wants to kill them all.

And then we have such wonderful characters as: Karazeda Sloan, Erika's girlfriend and a vampire hunter born into the trade that kind of maybe wants to be a vampire herself. Dominic, the leader of the wolf pack that I added as a joke because I made Alec a furry and it infuriated my friends. Carolina Davenport and her girlfriend Ava Lopez with their coven of vampires, Blaise, Ambrose, and Cole.

So yeah!! Horribly long post and now to the actual joke of it:

(H)imbo - Dominic, because he's a big beefy wolfman with no braincells but much love in his heart

Mean Bisexual - Alec, because he's a bitch and I love him so much

Meaner Lesbian - Karazeda, because she's an even bigger bitch and I love her So Much

She/theys - Carolina and Ava

He/theys - Cole and Ambrose

Token Straight - Dante, but he's also ace so he gets a pass

Astrology Bitch - Erika, I bet she keeps everyones birth charts on the wall

Short King - Richard, 5'5" tiny motherfucker and the more he acts like a brat the shorter I make him. He used to be 6'2".

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

[mewtonian-physics]

my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it. 

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes. 

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck. 

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard. 

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one. 

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.) 

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments... 

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.

[theflowerisblue]

Sábado 20:47

Eva: could you take a picture of us, please?

Lady: a picture?

Nora: yes, please!

Lady: of course.

Nora: thank you.

Lady: one more...there you go.

Nora: let’s see. I love it.

Viri: great picture!

Eva: oh I wish we could have you around always for a pictures!

Amira: wait! Wait a minute! What?! And you didn’t tell me before?

Cris: i don’t know. It’s not like planned it! I was there and it came up. I just blurted it out and I don’t know!

Amira: that’s crazy.

Cris: i know.

Amira: and what about your dad?

Cris: that’s going to be harder to be honest. But now I know that I have my mom and my brothers on my side whenever I decide to tell him. That’s cool. Besides, now that Joana’s home everything else doesn’t seem as bad.

Amira: I wish she was here.

Cris: me too. But I get it, she just got out of the hospital and telling her parents that she wants to come to the beach would be crazy. They’d be like “Che boluda! Where do you think you’re going! With your little girlfriend and her friends! To those islands! No way!” But I also like that is just the five of us.

Text from Dani: enjoy the beach 😊

Amira: thank you so much!

I’m going crazy

Dani: it figures!

Today I tried to dodge dog’s shit and I walk into a lamppost.

I thought you’d like to know.

Thanks for telling me.

I knew you would like the story.

You were right! I love it ☺️

💩🤕😘

Bye 😊

Bye

Amira: I wish I had some device that would stop time in those moments that you’re happy. I would use it right now, press some button and vuola! Here forever.

Cris: well you can make it yourself! Miss engineer.

Amira: the thing is after this we will each go study our own thing, at different places and we different schedules. It’ll be harder to see each other.

Nora: No! Don’t start now! We’ll all be in the same city. That’s something!

Amira: Yeah, obviously but...This summer, you are going to US. Cris will probably go to Zaorejas or start working.

Cris: Don't overwhelm me. I don't even know what I'll be doing in two hours.

Amira: What I'm trying to say is that we can do something. Some kind of list.

Eva: Like what?

Amira: A list of things we can do to still see each other.

Viri: I have the first idea. The Losers' group chat? Always active. A selfie, a double-chin pic or memes.

Cris: I'll write it down, "don't let the chat die."

Eva: I have another idea. At least, once a month. I'm not asking much. We party hard.

Cris: Okay, alcohol intoxication once a month. At least.

Amira: We also have to meet on the daylight. If not, I'll forget your faces.

Cris: Yes, I'll write that down myself. I'll write it down right now!

Eva: Write down,"meeting past the afternoon." I melt under the sun.

Amira: The vampire, she only goes out at night.

Eva: The spreadsheets, Viri!

Cris: Yes, I'll send it to you and you add colours!

Viri: Yes, the spreadsheets.

Nora: Girls! Look!

All: Come on!

Amira: Here's to us!

Viri: Because your the best friends one could ask for.

Nora: To never forgetting everything we've lived together. And to always take care of each other.

Cris: Because you've changed my life.

Eva: Because everything we've been through is eternal.

Nora: And to everything that's to come!

Cris: To everything that's to come! Bitches.

THANKS FOR BEING THERE

[amphtaminedreams]

Farewell to Spooky Season, AHS Style: Lookbook no.12

Hi to anyone reading,

Happy belated Halloween!

I capitalise it because if I'm gonna recognise any day as sacred, it’s the spookiest one of the year! Halloween 2020 obviously hasn’t been as exciting as usual, parties and club nights being banned has meant there’s been far less opportunities to dress up, but I still managed to get out for the night before they announced the upcoming second lockdown and do a couple of spooky movie nights (and carve a pumpkin!)!

I originally intended for this lookbook to be last minute halloween costume inspo but I was lazy and didn’t manage to get it out on time-a lot of these looks minus the makeup and maybe an accessory or two could work on any day or night out so I thought I’d go ahead and post it now anyway. Celebrating the fashion moments of American Horror Story is something I’ve wanted to do for a while; it’s probably not the first show you’d think of for sartorial inspiration but Mr. Ryan Murphy has fucking fantastic taste in stylists and the first five seasons of AHS in particular, which I’ll be focussing on in this post, have given us SO many amazing looks. The man may be guilty of many things-subjecting us to the character of Will Schuester, trying to turn Richard Ramirez into a thirst trap, embarrassing everyone who raved about how good Scream Queens was when he wrote season 2-but costume related laziness is not one of them. We see more consistency in a Ryan Murphy character’s wardrobe than we do in their story arcs and I respect that because honestly, as much as I love joining in when it comes to ripping into his ability to cohesively bring an AHS season to a close when it airs, I’d probably be the same; if you put Lady Gaga in front of me and told me to write her lines I’d probably end up getting overly invested in what her character was going to be wearing in the scene too. 

So! Enough Ryan Murphy bashing from me! I’ll get on with it! Starting with 3 season 1 inspired looks:

Murder House: Elizabeth Short, Tate Langdon and Violet Harmon

-striped jumper from caitlinlark on Depop, kick flare jeans from ellagray-

When it comes to reflecting on season 1 of American Horror Story, all I can say do is thank the internet overlords that Tumblr has moved on from the romanticising school shooters and wearing normal people scare me tops phase to instead collectively taking the piss out of the “GO AWAY, TATE!”, “YOU’RE ALL THAT I WANTTT! YOU’RE ALL THAT I HAVEEE!” exchange. 

In terms of fashion *moments*, whilst season 1 doesn’t stand out as much as the seasons that come after, Violet and Tate’s wardrobes did give birth to a bit of a 90s grunge renaissance with their oversized knits and faded jeans and layering of textures. It did also give us good costumes in the form of Alexandra Breckenridge’s Moira O’Hara and Mena Suvari’s portrayal of the Black Dahlia, Elizabeth Short; unfortunately, I didn’t have a slutty maid costume lying around so I did the best I could at giving the outfit Elizabeth wears when she makes that fateful visit to the Murder House a modern, more party appropriate update.

In terms of season rankings, Murder House isn’t my favourite. It starts off really great but lulls a bit towards the end and I could never get behind Violet and Tate as a couple because you know, one of them is a school shooter who sexually assaults the other’s mum, and that’s a hurdle that I think most couples might struggle to get over irl. That being said, it was the season that started it all and showcased some of the most innovative writing and directing on TV, and it opened up a spot for horror on primetime television which as far as I know was kind of unheard of before then. Back when I first watched it, I had no idea what to expect not only because I’d never seen horror in a serial format but also because it seemed to be able to get away with the kind of storylines you’d expect network executives to fire people over. It introduced us to Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters and Denis O’Hare who would go on to make the show what it is today and more importantly, through Jessica’s glorious portrayal of Constance Langdon, provide us with an endlessly versatile meme format for this trying time.

Asylum: ‘60s Lana Winters, ‘70s Lana Winters, and Sister Mary Eunice McKee

-afghan coat from louisemarcella on Depop, red AA skater dress from julietramage, pink gingham co-ord from zshamim-

I think we can all agree: Asylum would’ve been a perfect series of television if it wasn’t for the completely unnecessary alien storyline. Like, I get that they fit in with the whole good vs. evil theme as a kind of non-biblical alternative to the idea of a higher, all-powerful being but there was already so much going on that it just wasn’t needed. Aside from that, I think the general consensus amongst watchers of the show is that Asylum has the best writing of any season and I think I’d tend to agree. It’s not my favourite because it’s too depressing to rewatch but if we’re talking the first time round, this is the series that had me hooked. Lana Winters?

Iconic. 

Sister Mary Eunice? Iconic. The Name Game? Iconic. Remember when you couldn’t go a day on Facebook without seeing that one photo of Naomi Grossman as Pepper used as the go to “what I really look like” photo in one of those “expectation vs. reality” style posts on your newsfeed? Those were simpler times.

Because this season was mostly situated within the hospital, we didn’t get that many proper outfits but when we did, they were stunning; if I had to state my absolute favourite AHS character of the entire show I’d probably go with Lana Winters and the part her wardrobe played in her characterisation would 100% play a part in that. The late 60s/early 70s was such a wonderful period for fashion and through her character we get to see both of those explored a little. Of course there’s also *that* Sister Mary Eunice scene with the red slip dress and suspenders too which yes, could be a perfect halloween costume, but I also strongly believe should be a perfectly acceptable outfit for any day of the year. 

Coven: Misty Day, Madison Montgomery, and Zoe Benson

-chiffon dress from rags_to_riches on Depop, pinstripe corset from hanpiercey, and tennis skirt from mollie_morton-

I hate to be a basic bitch but I have to say it: Coven is my favourite season of American Horror Story. Once you get over the complete waste of Evan Peters’ acting capabilities that resulted from the *choice* to have him play Kyle, the unnecessary rehash of the Evan/Taissa pairing from season 1 in what I can only assume was an attempt to capitalise on the popularity of the questionable Tate/Violet relationship, and the subsequent sacrifice of any interesting character arc we could’ve foreseen for Zoe Benson beyond her obsessing over a resurrected, non-verbal frat boy, it’s a perfect season. A supreme (heh) balance of horror, humour, and character drama, as well as the stunning aesthetics and forever quotable dialogue, make it my go-to season if I’m ever considering a rewatch. And if you disagree, let me jog your memory with the most mainstream (not to get all “normal people scare me” and suggest AHS is not a mainstream show, I literally just mean in the sense that even those who have never watched the show will have seen this)  reaction GIF set any FX show has even spawned:

Buzzfeed employees had a field day, Emma Roberts enthusiasts (I mean me) finally saw her cemented as the pop culture icon Scream Queens has since showed us she deserves to be (because not enough people have seen Unfabulous, Nancy Drew or Scream 4) and the gays everywhere rejoiced at the year’s worth of meme fodder they’d been provided with. It was Madison Montgomery’s world and we were truly just living in it.

And the fashion! I mean, Stevie Nicks meets 21st century teenage witches! Come on! 

Freakshow: Dandy Mott, Maggie Esmerelda and Elsa Mars

-olive green satin skirt from morganogle on Depop, headscarf from tonijordan, platform sandals from elliefewt, PVC skirt from bethpin_, corset top from sadieflinter, beret from house_of_erotique, flame detail platform boots from mad_rags_vintage-

When people talk about the declining quality of AHS, they usually point to Freakshow as the beginning of the end, but I have to completely disagree. I wasn’t a fan the first time round but on rewatch it’s probably the most emotional season of them all; no, there aren’t as many “horrifying” moments as in other seasons and Elsa is probably Jessica’s worst performance (which is still an incredible one by anybody else’s standards), however it makes up for it with the most sympathetic bunch of characters yet, and on the flip side, also one of the most amusingly depraved with Finn Wittrock’s Dandy Mott. Fans usually argue that the season went downhill once *SPOILER* Twisty the Clown was killed off but for me, he really primarily served as the catalyst for the far more interesting devolution of Dandy, who, imo, is the show’s strongest villain to date, rivalled only by Bloody Face. Then there was the episode Orphans too which made me cry buckets, the sole AHS episode to do so. 

We got a lot of great fashion content in this season too: the theatrical opulence of Elsa Mars’ wardrobe, “Maggie”’s nomadic fortune teller costumes, and all those twee suits we saw Finn Wittrock in. Highly underrated if you ask me. It seems an odd choice for me to use Elsa’s Dominatrix look as an inspiration for one of my looks here when we have that Life on Mars performance outfit and all the extravagant robes Jessica got to waltz around in for reference buuuut I didn’t really have anything to do the vibrancy of either of those justice so I went with the black leather option which is much more me. Am I saying I moonlight as a dominatrix? Maybe. Lol, no. I wish. It’s not for lack of trying. WHERE ARE ALL THE GENUINE TWITTER PAYPIGS AT!? Your girl wants to insult creepy men and get some new clothes out of it xoxo

Hotel: Hypodermic Sally, Liz Taylor, and The Countess

-silk white bralet from xlibby_maix on Depop-

Hotel is another season that I liked a lottttt more upon rewatch, once I knew I was okay to tune out the (completely predictable and utterly nonsensical) Ten Commandments Killer storyline that so much of the season initially seems to hinge on. I love Chloë Sevigny but the fact that her and Wes Bentley’s wooden John and Alex Lowe are positioned as the protagonists at the expense of the far more interesting Liz Taylor, James March and Hypodermic Sally really does a disservice to what is an otherwise great season upon initial viewing.

The visuals this season are magnificent and I think if I had to pick one character’s wardrobe to steal from the entire cast of AHS characters, it would be The Countess (a toss up between her and Misty Day tbh, so I kinda just settle for low-key channelling both). No fucking idea where I'd wear any of her clothes to but I’d make it work. Liz Taylor and Hypodermic Sally have some amazing looks too-there’s just honestly so much to choose from; that being said, this post wouldn’t be complete without a specific ode to the vampire goddess Elizabeth Bathory, who is everything I want to be in life minus the murderous qualities:

Everything. EVER-Y-THING. LOOK AT HER!

Lady Gaga is really a fucking goddess isn’t she. And people were claiming before they’d even seen it that she couldn’t act? A patriarchal society doesn’t like women that can do it all. Just saying. 

Anyways!

That’s it for now! I hope you enjoyed the post if you did read til the end! Sorry I couldn’t get this out before Halloween, I was typing and Picmonkey-ing madly from 2 in the afternoon on the 31st but I taking fucking forever to get ready and had to abandon all hope of getting it out on the day by 4PM. I’ve got so much content planned and it sucks because a couple of them are lookbooks which now feel completely redundant given we’re heading into a second lockdown, but maybe I should just do it anyway? The grunge inspired moodboard I just did seemed to get a good reception too so I’ve got some more of them planned. 

As always, hope everyone is keeping well, and feel free to inbox me with any suggestions, queries or even just to say hi if you need someone to talk to! I check here quite a lot so I should see it. Lots of love to everyone in this time!

Lauren x

[sadaboutniall]

Without Fear

masterlist | tag | wattpad

hiya! since tomorrow is thanksgiving I thought it would be better for everyone if I posted this week’s chapter today! hope you like!

Chapter Two. February 

give me moonlight, and a smile from you that I can // that I can barely believe — dancing under red skies, dermot kennedy

It comes on slow, the way waves lap up against the shore late at night, when there aren’t many boats out to disrupt them. Over and over, bit by bit, it settles in. The first wave of it bites at Lu’s ankles when her toilet overflows at 6am, leaving her standing in her socks in the bathroom, soaking wet, worrying about the water leaking into the shop below, while Ruairí meows in concern from his spot atop the sink. Frantic, Lu calls her dad, and it goes to voicemail twice before she remembers it’s 1am in New York. 

Accompanied only by a YouTube tutorial and the rising sun, Lu manages to fix the mess, shower, and start the day all on her own. Her dad calls back five hours later, and Lu feels like she’s lived a whole lifetime between then and now. 

The second wave of it has more venom. She sleeps in on a Sunday—the only day the shop is closed—stirring around 10 because Ruairí is relentless, screeching in her ear, kneading at her belly, desperate for something to eat. Mindless, she feeds him, freshens up his water, makes herself a cup of coffee, pulls out a pastry leftover from Siobhan’s bake the day before, and settles into a spot by the window of her flat, overlooking the sea, all before thinking to take a look at her phone. 

Even if she goes 12 hours without looking at her phone, Lu finds she doesn’t miss much these days—she left home on a whim, without a ton of fanfare, and knows full well that she isn’t putting in the effort she should to keep in touch with friends from home. She also knows that’s why she left.

So, most mornings, she wakes up to a few messages in the family group chat, a message or two from her best friend Georgia, and not much else. This morning, it’s different. 

208 texts. 12 missed calls. 

Lu’s stomach sinks like a stone. Her whole body heats up at once. Her hands start shaking and her heart starts hammering, all before she even manages to swipe open a single notification. 

She doesn’t even have the wherewithal to cycle through possibilities. Her brain, hitting overdrive from the start, has no question that it’s bad. 

In WhatsApp, Lu finds that her family group chat has 206 messages. She has one separate text from her dad, and a final separate text from her brother. Nothing from her mom. 

Shaking, she swipes open her dad’s first. On the counter, Ruairí is sniffing at a banana. 

Hi, love, his message says. Figured the number of messages in the group chat is overwhelming. We’re at the hospital with Sam now. All is well, the appendix is out and he’s resting. Mary’s with us, she got back from Honduras yesterday. Good timing. Give us a call when you get a chance. 

From her brother, Lu finds a selfie. He’s in a hospital bed, gown around his shoulders. He looks pale, dark circles around his eyes, but he’s okay—he’s smiling, giving the camera a thumbs up. Underneath, the message says I lived, bitch. 

Relief coursing through her, Lu lets out a shaky laugh. It’s scarily on-brand for Sam to pull out a meme at a moment like this. 

Slowly but surely, Lu’s heartbeat slows to its normal rate. As it does, she scrolls back through the messages from the night before: her brother raising the alarm that he had a pesky pain in his side, their mother, a doctor herself, urging him to get it checked out. There’s a moment where Sam says the doctor is sending him home, and another where their mom urges him to demand an ultrasound, just in case. He does, and they find the appendicitis. Lu shudders to think what would’ve happened had her mother been the one sleeping soundlessly an ocean away. 

It’s five am in New York. Lu figures they’re all shattered. Rather than call and risk waking everyone up after what was surely a late, long night, Lu shoots off a text to her dad, asking him to call her when they wake up and sending lots of love. She turns her ringer up all the way so she won’t miss anything else. She feels a million miles away. 

####

On February first, Lu wakes up in a cold sweat. It’s still dark outside, but that doesn’t mean much in a place where the sun doesn’t rise until nearly 9am. Still, Lu doesn’t even need to look at a clock to know it must be early: perched on the pillow next to her head, Ruairí is snoring gently, dead to the world, not yet ready to demand breakfast. 

Heart hammering, Lu gropes around the bed until her hand closes around her phone, cold. She squints, then sighs, as she checks the time.

4:45am. 

Lu is no stranger to waking up mid-panic attack. Sometimes, it feels like choking—like she can’t get a breath down deep enough, to pool in the bottom of her lungs. Other times, it feels like an unavoidable urge to get up, move, get as far away from the space she woke up in as physically possible. Right now, it feels like a stomach ache, period pains, itchy skin, her body trying to tell her that something, somewhere, is going terribly wrong. 

Logically, she knows it’s not. She holds her breath, five, four, three, two, one, and checks her phone as her heart jackrabbits away. Nothing out of the ordinary: her mom texted a picture of her glass of wine with dinner to the family group chat, her dad reported the score of a soccer game, her brother sent that he’d managed to run a full two miles today, his furthest since the appendectomy. Everything is fine. 

Except for Lu. 

There’s no use trying to go back to sleep; Lu knows herself better than that. Heart still working overtime despite reassurance, she slips out of bed as gently as she can, praying that she won’t wake Ruairí. She’s silent as she gets dressed and silent as she tiptoes out of her bedroom, out of the apartment, and down the stairs. The morning is still and dark, but you can hear for miles and miles on Inis Mór, and as she begins her walk the soft, familiar sounds of tractors roaring to life, cows mooing for their breakfast, sheep and goats bleating, remind Lu that she’s not the only one—that others are here too, alive, beginning their day, pushing on. Home. And underneath it all, there is, always, the sound of the waves, constant, crashing against the shore. 

####

Lu doesn’t get a chance to nap. She walks, balancing on the edge of the cliffs that overlook the Atlantic, breathing in the sea air and thinking about how the water here, crashing, violent against the cliffs below her is the same water that once lapped up on the shores of Long Island, of Coney Island, of the Rockaways, of home. Seagulls swoop, low and graceful, over her head, over the ocean, and Lu thinks that if she asked her dad to drop a floatie into the Atlantic for her it just might make it—just might wash up here, on the edge of the Earth, the way she has. 

She walks and walks—you can walk all the way around Inis Mór and back in under five hours, but she doesn’t have that kind of time. She walks along the cliffs, the white, blinding, otherworldly geology of the Burren, through the grass and the mud and the cow shit, until she’s back at the cafe, windows glowing golden against the rising sun, condensation clinging to them from the inside. Siobhan is pulling pastries out of the oven when she opens the door around 6:30, and Ruairí, curled up on the counter, looks at her, bitter. 

Siobhan smiles, “There you are. No worries, pet, I’ve fed him his breakfast.” 

She wobbles through the day, exhausted from the panic, the walk, the lack of sleep. She messes up at least two orders—gives Mrs. Duffy whole milk instead of skim, drops Mr. Kennedy’s sandwich on the floor while she’s bringing it over to him—but, as always, no one bats an eye. They touch her arm gently, lull “oh, it’s no bother, darling, we’ll make it right, now,” and the cadence of their laughter carries as she does exactly that. There’s no venom, no rush, nothing to give Lu the adrenaline she so badly needs to make it through the day. 

Somehow, she almost forgets that it’s Niall’s first day. But all of a sudden it’s twelve hours later and he’s bustling inside, bringing a rush of cold air with him. The door swings shut behind him and Lu, who had been curled up at the cushioned window seat with Ruairí on top of her in a moment of quiet, jumps. The cat’s only just forgiven her for this morning, and her movement causes him to stalk off in anger. She sighs after him.

“Oh, no,” Niall laughs a little, “sorry, did I interrupt something?” He looks soft and sweet in his dark jeans, his hat pulled low over his forehead. He’s shedding his puffer jacket to reveal a navy blue cable knit sweater and his cheeks are flushed from the cold. His eyes, bright and blue as Lu remembers them, find hers. He smiles. 

“Yeah,” Lu just about manages. “He just forgave me, you totally ruined it.”

Niall barks out a laugh, head thrown back, shoulders hunching up. “What did you do?” 

“Forgot to feed him breakfast this morning,” Lu sighs. “Siobhan did it, but he held it against me anyway.” 

“Ah, well,” Niall shrugs. “I’d be mad too, if I were a cat.” 

“S’a good thing you’re not, then,” Lu smiles. “I’m not here to feed you.” 

Niall’s still giggling. Lu wonders if he ever stops. 

“I’m thinking I might make him pupcakes or something as an apology…” Lu is rambling a bit now, but she’s so tired, and Niall’s so cute, and nothing is real here, anyway. “I know they’re for dogs but I can’t imagine they’re bad for cats? I bet he’ll like those—honestly, I bet he’ll just like knowing I slaved over a hot stove for him. It’s like he can tell, you know?” 

It wasn’t meant to be that funny, but Niall is fully cackling, crinkles by his eyes on full display, one hand clutching his tummy. “You’re funny,” he says between laughs. “A bit looney, me da would say—hey, Lu, looney, Looney Tunes. It all makes sense.” 

“Isn’t ‘looney’ offensive?” The banter with him comes so easily, Lu doesn’t let herself overthink it. “Think we’re supposed to stop using it.” 

“Ah, well,” Niall’s pulling his guitar out to tune, now, “You’re in Ireland now, love. All good nicknames are a little offensive.”

####

The night is mostly quiet, a dozen customers at the most, which Lu thinks is probably good for Niall’s nerves. He’s just as stunning as he was the night Lu first met him, pulling out an arsenal of covers ranging from Bruce Springsteen to Post Malone, somehow making them all work for his voice, for the vibe, for everyone, but he’s shaking—she can see it when he pushes his hair off his forehead, or when he drops his pick on the floor between songs, laughing awkwardly as he bends to grab it. Even with the mistakes, the dropped pick, the few stumbles over lyrics, he’s endearing, engaging, all-consuming. Lu’s meant to be working, but she can’t find it in her to look away.

From her spot at the counter, Lu watches how Niall keeps his eyes trained on the window across from him. He doesn’t seem to be looking for anyone or anything, but Lu suspects it’s easier than looking his audience in the eye—despite the fact that she can see for herself just how captivated they are. It shouldn’t take an hour and a half to drink one coffee and eat one slice of chocolate cake, but that’s how long old Mr. Kane spends in the shop anyway, eyes closed, listening to Niall play. 

For two full hours, Niall keeps the shop warm and alive. Everyone is so captivated that Lu barely has to work after all; she leans up against the counter instead, cradling the mug of hot chocolate that Siobhan made her before she left for the night, and taking him in. She barely knows him, and yet. 

Lu has seen plenty of nervous first-timers performing in front of apathetic crowds—it was practically her job, after all. She’s also seen more than her fair share of world class performers stunning crowds that want to eat them up, keep them on stage forever, bottle their energy and carry it through the rest of their lives. Working in the music industry, even just as an assistant, for five years turned her hard and jaded, made her feel like she’s seen the seedy, rough, rude underbelly of it all—but she’s never seen anyone perform like Niall before. His unadulterated, all consuming love for music is tangible, even from across the room. This is now Niall communicates. This is how he understands the world. This is how he sees life. Half of Lu feels lucky to hear it—the other half feels sick knowing that his talent is wasted here.

It almost makes her sad to have to close up at 9. Niall’s good about it—he’s designed his set to last exactly two hours, finds a climax in the middle with “Dancing in the Dark” and tapers his song choices toward a slow but steady ending, letting everyone know, without having to say it, that it’s time to head home. Lu doesn’t even have to ask him if he knows how to play “Closing Time.” 

Mr. Kane is the last to leave, sticking around a little after nine to shake Niall’s hand and tell him he had no idea how talented Maura’s son is. He talks about Maura—Lu assumes she must be Niall’s mom—while Lu slowly, quietly begins putting dishes away. She likes the routine of this already, Niall’s quiet voice, his booming laugh, his warm presence keeping her company while she settles down for the night. It’s something she could get used to. It’s something, the first thing, she thinks she could miss, if she left. 

Niall masterfully leads his conversation with Mr. Kane toward goodbyes, shaking his hand again as he shuts the door behind him. Lu looks up from where she was rinsing a cup to watch as Niall watches through the window to make sure Mr. Kane gets in his car. He waits for the car to start before turning around, leaning his back up against the door, dragging a hand through his hair, and letting out a long sigh. 

“Alright?” Lu asks, gentle. Niall’s got his eyes closed, his head back, neck exposed to her. It’s thick and littered with freckles, and his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. In her chest, Lu’s heart does something funny. She presses her thighs together, tight. 

Niall opens his eyes halfway, exhaling a little laugh as he meets Lu’s gaze. She hopes he can’t tell—how could he? 

“Yeah,” he says then, standing all the way up and shaking his head. “That was mad.” 

“It was amazing,” Lu counters. She gently places the mug back into the sink, bracing her hands against the edge. Part of her is afraid of what she’ll do without something between him and her. “They were so into it. No one could look away from you.”

Her cheeks flush, and Niall catches it. The corner of his mouth pulls up in half a smile as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “Ya think so?” 

“I know so,” Lu presses her lips together, but it doesn’t do much to prevent her smile. “‘Dancing In The Dark’ was my favorite one; it’s perfect for your voice.” 

“Thanks, Looney Tunes,” Niall hums, making his way back over toward her. “Can I help ya clean up? I wash, you dry?”

“Oh,” Lu stills. She’d half forgotten about the dishes still left to clean, the floor to sweep, the leftovers to toss, the counters to wipe down. Her mind stumbles over the best way to go about this: it would be rude to keep him, but, God, she wants his company. She realizes, with a slight swoop in her belly, that she hasn’t felt homesick in two hours. She needs him to stay. “I actually—I have a dishwasher. I just like to rinse everything before I put it in.” 

Niall smiles. He comes around the counter to stand next to Lu at the sink, knocking his hip against hers. “Sensible,” he says. It’s quiet. Just for her. “I’ll rinse and put ‘em in. You’ve been stood here all night. What else do you have to do?” 

“Uh,” Lu feels like her whole body is vibrating. Her mind turns over itself like an engine that won’t start. “Sweep the floors, wipe down the counters, lock up.” 

“Alright,” Niall is so close that Lu can smell his aftershave. Warm, soft, mixed with sweat from his nerves and the smell of his skin. “Let’s do it.”

####

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