#Seriously what am I supposed to do????????? I feel like I've tried everything

[kyouka-supremacy]

/

[meanbossart]

What horror games have you played/wanted to play? Also have you tried any rpg maker horrors?

I actually don't play that many horror games, I don't think? Between you and me most of them are... Kind of garbagee. But I like when really weird things are taken dead seriously, which most video games don't succeed at. But in the rare time they DO, it usually falls into the "horror" genre at least loosely. I'm just going to list my favorites:

PS: I'm really showing how insufferable I am with these summaries, sorry!

The Outlast series: the most Tasteful tasteless gory-shit-fest of a horror series I've ever seen. I don't like shock for the sake of shock, and Outlast somehow manages to always make it for the sake of SOMETHING. The original game+DLC is a buttload of fun, and if you pull back one layer it also poses some interesting and difficult questions about the place and treatment of the criminally inclined in society. Pull yet another layer back and you find a fascinating subversion of the expected role men are supposed to inhabit in horror games. The second game is a vastly different, and profoundly emotional experience, opinions on it vary for reasons I find very understandable, but I personally really like it.

Fear & Hunger: I guess this answers your question about RPG horror games! Unfortunately, this is the only one I ever played that I liked, but REALLY like it, I have a tattoo of the circle of perfection on the back of my hand, even, lol (I already had other hand tats, don't freak out). I just really like the absurdity of the story and all of the lore that the developer has cooked up for it, and the way it all matters but also kind of doesn't. I think its an insane feat to have achieved the atmosphere he did with the limited tools he has, not to mention the massive amount of respect I have for any creator that simultaneously wears their influences on their sleeves while displaying massive creativity and originality.

Pathologic: This game kind of speaks for itself honestly. Its just brutal, creative, infuriating, I could go on - It's probably the most immersive experience I've ever had in a game. If you've never played it before I would suggest buying Pathologic 2 (don't worry about it) and playing it completely blind. Forget about "winning", forget even about succeeding, just go about it as if you were in the protagonist's shoes and see where you leads you.

Scorn: Without a doubt in my top 5 games of all time and I don't care that that is an insane take. This game is everything I want from interactive stories - entirely intuitive, doesn't spoonfeed you a single grain of its lore or pushes its story on you, it just puts the pieces in your hands and its up to you to feel it on instinct. This 5 hour game with no dialogue, no text, not even any named characters to speak of had me crying at its ending and I didn't even know whether I was sad or overjoyed. I fucking LOVE scorn.

Honorable mention:

The Space Between by Christoph Frey (not to be confused with The Space INbetween.): Is a short, 30 minute experience about intimacy presented through a horror lens. I really don't want to say anything else about it, but I played it like 5 years ago and I still hold it near and dear to my heart. It's a master's guide to storytelling through semiotics and exemplary in it's... Emotionally charged visuals? Like, I had never before seen a story make sentiment into and external, tangible thing quite like this one does, like turning sound into an object or something. Amazing little indie game.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

More voice line posting! Because I like digging them up and I always want to see/hear more of Isobel.

At some point you were able to have Isobel join your camp by herself even after letting Shadowheart kill Aylin - a game state that's no longer possible, as Aylin's death means Last Light falls, too. But all the voice lines and dialogue trees are still there. I haven't had a chance to try, but manually messing around with the "SHA_Nightsong_State_PermaDefeated" flag might be able to get these lines to trigger.

Here are some highlights (and transcripts) from the Moonrise reunion and the camp conversation that we now only see the "take care of my angel" branch of.

Isobel: You did it. I knew you would. Player: Yet you don't seem glad. Isobel: Oh, I am. It's a momentous day. I suppose I need to catch my breath or the momentum will outpace me.

Player: What will you do now that your father's gone? Isobel: Oh, I don't know. Change my hair colour. Buy a horse. [Curse was lifted] Isobel: In seriousness, I intend to help you fight the Absolute - what lies behind the Absolute, that is. Isobel: None of us will be safe until that looming horror is defeated. When the time comes, I'll fight at your side.

[Curse wasn't lifted] Isobel: In seriousness, my home needs me. It's still enveloped in Shar's horrific curse. If it can be cleansed, I'll find a way. Isobel: But I admit that plays second fiddle to helping you. None of us will be safe until the horror behind 'the Absolute' is defeated. When the time comes, I'll fight at your side.

Player: Why wait? Isobel: To be perfectly frank, I'm exhausted. It feels a bit as though I've been dropped into another dimension. Isobel: A little time to rest and reflect, and I'll be ready to go at it anew. What say you? Player: It's not over yet. A nautiloid is on its way to Baldur's Gate. Isobel: Gods. One day, you go to sleep and everything's square. Then you wake up, and it's a dodecahedron. With tentacles.

-

You could also talk about Aylin specifically. If you were feeling particularly horrible, you could lie and convince Isobel she could still find and save her beloved. Presumably, however you played this, she would leave your camp either hating you or trying to save Aylin - which is a bit similar to how the Act 3 Lorroakan betrayal pans out.

Player: Aylin - do you mean Nightsong? Isobel: Nightsong? What do you mean?

Player: Ketheric captured her and was using her to fuel his invulnerability. She was called the 'Nightsong'. Isobel: She... what?! Does this mean she's still alive? I've got to find her - set her free! Tell me everything you know. Please.

Player: It's too late for that. She was dead when I found her. [Roll Deception] [Roll succeeded] Isobel: My father said she was gone. I'd tried to make peace with it. But... she was so special. So very dear. Isobel: When we met, it was like a lightning strike. My father wasn't sure about us - she was immortal, after all - but I never doubted. [Roll failed] Isobel: Liar. Wicked, wicked liar. Murderer.

Player: Give me your map. I'll show you where she's being kept. [Roll Performance] [Roll failed] Isobel: You're lying. She can't be saved, can she? My father told me she was... gone. It's true, isn't it? Isobel: Why would you lie? What's the matter with you? [Roll succeeded] Isobel: Thank you - thank you so much. I'll gather some supplies and head out shortly. Aylin... I can't believe she's alive. Before the day's end, I'll have her in my arms. Incredible.

Isobel: I hope Aylin's alright. I can't wait to have her in my arms again.

Player: Never mind. Isobel: As I was saying, I fell in love with Aylin swiftly. It was as easy as breathing.

Player: That's what Ketheric and his chums called her. Killed her myself. / It's too late for that. I killed her. Isobel: You what?! But she was immortal. How could she... how could you...? She is the Moonmaiden's daughter. And you call yourself a Selûnite?!

Player: It was the only way to make Ketheric vulnerable. Isobel: Was it? Was it truly? I don't believe that. Not for a second.

Player: Shar got the better of me. It won't happen again. Isobel: Oh it won't? Then I suppose we'll just forget this little misstep, file it under 'lessons learned'?

Player: It was a mistake. One I bitterly regret. Isobel: I should hope so. I can't imagine what insane course of thought led you to murder someone so dear. Isobel: Get out of my sight before I do something you'll regret.

Player: When the Lady of Loss speaks, her faithful act on her behalf. Isobel: You're disgusting. You've killed someone so precious, so good. I knew Shar was wicked. But I'd hoped for better from you.

Player: I couldn't hold my companion back. She had a mission to fulfil. Isobel: A mission? A mission?! That Sharran murderer destroyed someone so precious, so good...

[enhafilthandfiction]

Enhypen - when you're on your period

A/N: Helloooo! This wasn't a request but I feel like writing this reaction since I'm currently on my period >:( Ughhh pls send help

Pairing : Bf!Enha X Fem!Reader

Warnings : Blood (obvi), food, crack, mentions of sex in jake's

Word count : 1,361 words (about 150 words each)

Masterlist - Tips

♡ Lee Heeseung ♡

His heart would break seeing you like this

he would immediately notice you got your period, but wouldn't say anything to save you some 'embarrassment'.

He'd act nonchalant and chill, wanting to just chill whilst you were both at home and procrastinating.

"What ya wanna do?" he asks, once you come out of the bathroom for the millionth time. (It felt like that for him)

He'd let you pick whatever you wanna do and gives in, even if you wanted to test your makeup on him or paint his nails 😭

He ain't saying no

You end up watching a movie when the cramps became a little too much, laying on the couch with him behind you, hands wrapped around your waist, but ready to let go of you whenever you need to use the bathroom (again)

Hearing you whimper in pain would pain him as well, gently bringing his hand over to your tummy to rub in circles.

It doesn't really do anything tbh, maybe distract you, but you appreciate him trying 🥺

Later, he'd definitely make you some ramen, insisting that it was the only food that would cure your cramps and upset mood.

Will definitely sing you to sleep, that's why his head voice is so good.

♡ Park Jay ♡

Everyone says this but : MOM MODE ONNNN 🤗😌

Literally won't stop making sure you're good

and he's prob the most chill about it, like its not a big deal at all

he's just very mature

"You sure you have everything?"

"Don't be shy y/n, it's okay"

"I don't mind buying them for you"

And he does, bc cool boyfriends arent embarrassed to buy tampons 😎

Oh wait

"Pads or tampons?" "Ah ok" "What size exactly??" "Got it"

Hurries up bc he doesn't wanna leave you alone for too long.

Asks you what you wanna eat and will literally cook you anything

pasta with ice cream sauce? Ok

Pineapple on pizza? Ok

cook you his pet fish? Also ok

Makes you tea before bed, because he insists its good to prevent cramps

Might cuddle up in bed and lets you rest your head on his chest as he reads you a book of your choice.

Jay reading to you in that American accent 😩

♡ Sim Jake ♡

Boi does his research

he knows it has to do with periods and hormones when you start acting up

Is lowkey scared so he relies on google to provide him with answers.

"Ughhh, Jake, my cramps are getting worse" you whine, still laying in bed, scrunching up your face

He smiles brightly as he remembers of his searches

"I've heard that having sex could reduce period cramps" he announces proudly, looking at you like 😏

"You're seriously tryna get your dick wet rn??" you get mad and start throwing pillows at him.

"N-Nah but for real!!" He protests, ducking your hits "Seriously, I've read it online" he says in his defence, trying to catch his breath from that near pillow fight

"Damn, since when did you get so good at pillow fighting?" he tries to compliment but it only makes you wanna punch his bicep playfully.

You whine out in pain again, gripping onto his sitting figure at the edge of the bed. "What I am supposed to do?" he questions, haven already given you one alternative.

"Oh, how about we listen to my boy Justin?" he asks, already whipping out his phone

"Noooo, Enhypen is so much better dude" you reply, glaring at him

he agrees and puts on 'pass the mic'

He pushed your shoulders playfully "You got -pushed -pushed" he sings along

"JAKEEE"

Anyway, ends up buying you mc donalds and ice cream to make it up to you

he rly tries but he's a little clueless tbh.

♡ Park Sunghoon ♡

Bro lowkey ghosts you and avoids you

he knows that you're in a bad mood, and he doesn't wanna make it worse with uncontrollable teasing 😭

when you notice his distant behaviour, it only makes you even more upset

"HOON" you yell at him from the other room

he knows he fcked up and feel like he's boutta get his ass whooped.

He makes it hesitantly to your room, regretting it immediately when he sees your pout.

"H-hi y/n, he stutters, thinking of whatever he's gonna say, not wanting to upset your hormones.

"Hoon, why are you avoiding me?" the first tear rolls down your cheek "I'm literally bleeding and you're leaving me alone!" you burst out crying.

He stand there, biting his bottom lip, contemplating what to do

"C-can I hug you?" he asks, moving closer to you. He wraps his arms around you when you nod, pulling you in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry y/n, I thought you wanted to be left alone" he reasons, making sure you know he's sorry

"Its fine" you so sob into his shirt "Now can we watch your ice skating videos and cuddle?" you smile up at him suddenly, flattering your previously wet eyelashes to convince him.

He sighs, knowing you'll just burst out crying again if he doesn't agree

You reach for the remote, pulling on one of his ice skating videos.

He's already on your bed, hands behind his head, almost drifting off

"You look like a grandpa" you laugh, climbing onto your bed and getting closer to him, when the video starts playing.

"He wants to 'compliment' you back, but he fears he'll upset your hormones so he just doesn't say anything for your sake.

♡ Kim Sunoo ♡

A literal sweetheart

Almost like your bestie tbh

He cares about you so much and clearly shows it when your in these situations.

He doesn't hesitate to literally do everything for you

Take off your make up and does your skin care routine for you

Might even wash you if you're too tired to shower lmao

He pouts at you whenever you get cramps, wishing to take them away from you, just to see you smile again.

"My poor baby" he would say, hugging you close to him, gently, not to hurt you or anything.

He'd also be the best at tittie rubs

Like if your breasts were sore, he wouldn't mind massaging them, his soft hands easing some of the pressure on your chest.

You might even fall asleep like that, his hands on your chest under your top, acting like your bra as he sleeps behind you.

♡ Yang Jungwon ♡

Very mature #2

Cares a lot about you and worries

Studies and researches about it so you won't have bad periods :(

Worries when you wear tampons

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"Is it safe though?"

"Y/n, I don't think you should sleep t-tampons because you know, it m-might get stuck in there or something"

He just wants to make sure you're okay

"Ok gynaecologist 😀"

He doesn't really mind if you bleed on his sheets, as long as you aren't wearing tampons to bed

"It's fine sweetie, I'll clean it up"

Doesn't get mad or anything, changes the sheets and makes you change

Definitely cuddles you to sleep and holds your hand if the cramps get too much

♡ Nishimura Riki ♡

Teases the hell out of you

But also tries to help if you get cramps

If he sees you on the couch, he'll crawl in behind you, placing his hands on your hips.

He squeezes your waist

"My little ketchup bottle" he coos

"Nikiii" you try to squirm away embarrassed by his comment.

Definitely rubs your tummy if the cramps get too much

Slightly awkward at first and he feels a little shy doing it

"This okay?" he asks, rubbing circles in your tummy

You don't have the heart to tell him that it doesn't help but at least its a good distraction.

When he leaves for practise, he'll definitely leave you a plushy, big enough that you can hug it close

"Maybe this plushy will help :]" gives you his favourite plushy :(

He'll overall check up on you a lot, and really tried his best to help you out

I need a sweet boy like niki 😭

Hello! Thankyou for reading! Hope y'all are okay and remember that periods only last about a week! You got it!! For anyone who get cramps, I hope they're not as bad or get better :)

Lyyyy <333

If you enjoyed this post, you can help support my blog by tipping me here! Anything is highly appreciated!

[jayswritings13]

Disney: Hades SFW Alphabet

Note: Since I've decided not to do NSFW content, I decided to do the SFW alphabet instead.

💗Masterlist | WIP Page

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Hades loves getting affection, but often shows it in unusually ways.

Being the black sheep of the family, left him touch starved and desperate for affection(even if he'd never admit so....)

ACTS OF SERVICE!

Hades will(or have Pain and Panic) do whatever you need.

He loves physical touch, both giving and receiving it.

A day spent with Hades comes with the mandatory arm around your shoulders or waist at all times.

GIVE HIM COMPLIMENTS!

He will brush it off and or act like he already knows how amazing he is, but it will make his heart swell.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Hades is that shitty friend, that secretly cares, but needs to keep their dark and broody reputation up.

He will tell you the truth, despite whether he thinks that it will hurt your feelings or not.

Hades thinks that close relationships are not entirely necessary, and much prefers his own company.

At at least, that's what he tells himself.

Truthfully, this man is an extrovert stuck being alone, and pretends to not mind it, so his Zeus and Poseidon won't bug him.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Hades will never admit it, but he does.

Though, if you bring it up in front of others, he will deny it so hard.

He's probably the best to cuddle with honestly.

He's already a walking heater.

"You comfortable there?"

".....mmhhp." You sighed.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Being alone in the Underworld, Hades had to step up and do a large majority of the cooking and such.

However, he's still really shitty at cooking.

Like, will burn everything somehow.

Well, outside of getting frustrated and turn whatever's in his path to ashes.

"Hades, I literally asked you to boil water. What the fuck happened?"

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Honestly, just fucking says it.

Hades has no filter and will not hesitate to say what he thinks.

He wants this to be done with as soon as possible.

This does not change for break ups.

He does do it in person though and face to face, as he has enough respect to do so.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Hades never seriously thought about marriage.

He was an immortal god.

He knew that being the king of the underworld scared others away.

Well, before his temper and jokes did.

There weren't too many on Mount Olympus who particularly enjoyed his brand of humor.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He tries.

I swear, he really does.

He just isn't really sure how to go about doing so or how to turn off his jack-ass switch sometimes.

He's gotten a bit better, but still needs help.

He'll sit next to you while you're sad, but might ruin the moment when Pain frustrates him.

Or he'll be comforting you, and ultimately cracking a lot of jokes.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Hades is very handsy, and this extends to hugs.

He's basically like a giant space heater.

Perfect for those cold nights in the underworld.

Hades' hugs are very warm, engulfing you in a welcoming hug.

Which makes sense given his size.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes him a while to say it.

Well, say it in a meaningful way that is.

You're used to him always jokingly saying it and such that it didn't even occur to you that that's what he was trying to say.

Which pissed him off.

"How much more clear did I have to be?!"

"You always say 'love ya' and shit," you groaned, "How am I supposed to know that this one was different?!"

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME

Doesn't even try to hide it.

He will openly confess to being jealous with no cares given.

He doesn't care what you think about it.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Quick and short or Long and deep

There is no in-between

Though, one thing remains constant.

He loves to kiss your neck.

Mostly because he's hoping that you'll reciprocate.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He doesn't like them, but they love him.

It drives him fucking crazy whenever he is around them because he's a busy guy.

He's running late to meetings because a child wanted to show off their "art" to him.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Hades is up way before you

He's got a million things to do in the Underworld and sleeping in is not one of them

He'll let you sleep in though

Well....until he wants your attention.

So, usually about an extra hour.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Loud.

Hades is a talker and if he hasn't been around you for a majority of the day, then he will talk your fucking ear off.

"Hades, I mean this is the nicest possible way," you said, "shut the fuck up and lay down with me."

He does so, but not without soen comments and grumbling.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Hades will reveal what he wants to

Usually in the form of ranting and rambling on and on and on.....

"......so I told Demeter that she's fucking nuts! I didn't steal your daughter. And then Zeus had get involved....." Hades groaned, sighing, "It was a while ordeal." Hades shrugged, "Anyway, so that is why you can't have a pet."

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Literally, has the worst patience.

The whole underworld is fire proof, luckily because it would not have survived his temper.

You still have no idea how Pain and Panic bounce back from being burned so often.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Hades may talk a mile a might and seem like he doesn't pay attention.

But, he does...... kind of.....

He tries.

"What's this?"

"Your favorite flowers." Hades said, "I had Pain and Panic run up and grab some."

"Oh....." You smiled, glancing down at the flowers.

"What's the matter? They ain't gonna bite you."

"Mmhmm." You nodded, "It's just that I am severely allergic to this particularly flower. If I touch it, you might have to fish me out of the River of Styx yourself."

Since then, he's been getting better at remembering the most important stuff, like your allergies.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

"I was gone for 5 fucking seconds."

"Hades! Watch the tone or you'll lose them." Aphrodite countered, glaring over at the God of the underworld. "And I'm surprised that you even got them..." she muttered, brushing aside some of your hair.

"And what does that mean?!"

"Oh," Aphrodite glances Hades up and down, "I think you don't need me to explain that to you, sweetie." She laughed.

"Oh, Hades is actually very sweet." You said, "in his own way." You muttered, shifting towards Hades' side.

Hades never mentioned it to you too much, but he always appreciated that you stood up to Aphrodite about him.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Hades is very protective.

Always has and always will be

Being a god, he has various ways and methods of protecting you or anyone he deems worth it

Sometimes you hate it, sometimes you love it.

He honestly doesn't care.

But, really loves it when you do tbh

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Hades does care and put effort into the bigger anniversaries and such.

"What's the occasion?" You said, gently placing down the glass of champagne.

"What?! Can't I just do something nice for once?"

"Okay, fair." You laughed.

Though, if he's plotting, then forget it.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

His temper.

He knows it and so do you.

He doesn't try to hide it and you, honestly, never ask him too.

Also, this tends to go without saying, stubborn as fuck.

"What the fuck is that?"

"A painting. I though that it would look nice in your office and it does. It really makes th-Stop making that face, Hades." You groaned, "It's just a painting."

"Yeah, a painting in my office. Get it out." Hades said, "I like my office before."

"Yeah, boring." You muttered, grabbing the painting off the wall.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

A little.

He's the God of the Underworld.

Gotta keep it sharp and spooky for whatever poor soul crosses his path.

But compared to the other gods, not as much as them.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He always says that he wouldn't be, just to tick you off a bit.

But Pain and Panic know that that's a lie and now so do you.

During a fight, you two spent a week apart and he was a mess.

He didn't want to plot or do any other duties.

Didn't even conjure up any martinis for himself.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

LOVES TO GOSSIP

He'll talk and listen to shit about anyone and lives for it.

But.... he can't keep a secret for shit.

He will gossip about someone and then fucking go around and tell then what was said about them.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Hades NEEDS someone who can crack a smile or laugh at a joke.

He cannot be with someone who cannot laugh or take a joke.

Such a buzz kill and snooze fest, ew.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Hades fucking snores

He denies it all the time even if you have recorded evidence, but he does.

And it's so fucking loud.

"Listen, I need to actually get some sleep tonight, so can you please just use that m-"

"I DO NOT SNORE!"

"Then, where the fuck is that noise coming from, Hades?"

"Well, right nex-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

[salamandergoo]

STWG Prompt: Pisces

A magazine slapped down onto the table and Eddie dropped into his seat just a moment later.  "Gentlemen!  We enter into a new month, it is time for the ritual."

"The ritual," Dougie and Jeff echoed, rehearsed.

"Not the ritual," Gareth groaned, stabbing at his lunch.  "It's going to be the same as last month, it always is."

"...what's the ritual?" Lucas asked, saying it slowly like Eddie might yell at him for asking.

"Oh, horoscopes!"  Eddie opened the magazine with a grin, paging through it and clicking his tongue.  "Hopefully no plagues are written in the stars."

"Horoscopes."  Mike looked at him flatly.  They'd only been sitting at the Hellfire Club table for a week now, and in that week, horoscopes hadn't been mentioned once.  "You believe in that shit?"

"Nah.  My mama loved 'em though.  And it's kinda fun."  He tapped the magazine on the table and cleared his throat.  "We enter Libra season, may it be prosperous for our resident Libras!"  He gestured to Gareth and Jeff.  "It says here that Love is within reach!  You just need to be brave enough to grasp it."

Gareth glanced at Jeff and scoffed.  "Total bull."

Jeff grinned.  "I don't know.  Eddie, is this your little ploy to confess your long buried feelings for me?"  He fluttered his eyelashes and blew a kiss."

"You want to be my type so bad it almost makes me love you," Eddie teased as he leaned in just a little closer.

Dustin balked and Mike had gone pink, staring down at his sandwich and refusing to look up from it.  Gareth rolled his eyes again and gestured to the boys.  "What are you guys?  What are your signs?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"  Lucas still seemed a little confused.  "Is it like... by month?  My birthday's in April."

"Early or late?  What day?"  Eddie tapped at the pages.  "That'll make you either an Aries or a Taurus."

"The 8th.  Early."

"Aries!  According to your horoscope, you'll need to be brave and face your fears in the coming month.  An emotional cold front is coming your way, young one."

Lucas glanced over his shoulder towards another table, where Max was sitting with her hood up, staring out the window at the overcast sky.  "I'm pretty sure I've been facing an emotional cold front for a while already."

Dustin leaned forward curiously.  "I'm a Pisces, what does it say for that?"

"Why do you know that?" Mike asked, some of his initial standoffish-ness worn away.

"Steve and Robin have this game where they make up terrible horoscopes for each other."  He shrugged.  "Robin's a Pisces too, and Steve is a Cancer."

Eddie hummed.  "Pisces, huh?"  He too a bite of his apple.  "Be extra cautious with your belongings.  Damn, looks like someone is going to rob you, Henderson.  So the stars decree."

"So the stars decree," Dougie and Jeff echoed.

"I hate it when you guys do that."  Gareth threw a chip at Jeff's head.

"Why do you think we do it?"  Jeff grinned and threw the chip back.  "Come on, Eddie, what's Dougie's?  Something about doom and gloom, right?  Something about how he's gonna die?"  He laughed as Dougie kicked him under the table.

"Well, our fiery Aries friend will be facing- oh."  Eddie's eyes widened a little.  "It's actually not doom and glooom this month.  Keep your aim true to your goals, even when progress is slow."

"Oh."  Dougie nodded, considering.  "That actually is kind of nice.  I can live with that."

Eddie chuckled and turned his gaze to Mike, cocking his head with a smirk.  "And you?  Let me guess, fire sign.  You're probably an Aries too.  Or a Leo?"

Mike shrugged.  "I don't know, end of December."

"After the 22nd?"

"Yeah."

"Capricorn, then.  ...seriously?  You're an earth sign?"

Mike squirmed a little under his stare.  "Thought you said you didn't believe in this crap."

Eddie shrugged.  "There's a little bit of truth to everything.  That's what mama thought."  He looked at the magazine and snickered.  "This month may test your patience."

Mike hunched in on himself, glaring at Lucas when he tried to pat his shoulder.  "Most months get on my nerves.  This is stupid."

"Aw, he's like a baby raven," Dougie teased before elbowing Eddie.  "Alright, come on man, what's yours?"

"The most important horoscope!  Let's see here, Cancer says... I am invincible and nothing can bring me down.  Damn right!"

"Let me see that."  Jeff snatched the magazine from Eddie.  "...oh.  What do you know."

"The stars are in alignment for a good month ahead."  Eddie chuckled and took the magazine back.  He tapped it on the table before tucking it into his bag.  "The ritual has been completed!"

"The ritual has been completed!"  Gareth grinned as Jeff rolled his eyes.

"This is why everyone thinks we're satanists, you know-"

"Let the people think what they want, they're just mad I don't read them their horoscopes."

[youcouldmakealife]

Stuff That Helps Me Write: Pacing (no, not that kind), and burnout avoidance

So this was supposed to be about something entirely different., but every time I started making a point, I got distracted by a second, bonus idea (ways to trick your brain when it's not cooperating with you! things I've tried (I will try everything) and what worked and didn't! what to do with writer's block!) and then start writing about that, and I've got half a dozen unrelated paragraphs going in my drafts, so I think I'm just going to make this a mini-series of 'stuff that helps me write and may also help you (or maybe they won't, I don't know, this shit's all subjective)'.

If there's anything in particular you'd like to hear about, or something about my process you're curious about, absolutely feel free to reply or shoot me an ask and I'll do my best to address them as I go.

But yeah, pacing. And more specifically, not burning out. I figured it was important I hit this one first, because I think it's the most important one, or at least, the one that makes the biggest difference.

With the caveat that I am someone who has repeatedly driven myself into burnout, I'm also someone who now knows why that is, and have been teaching myself how to, you know, not do that.

So. Here's how I, you know, don't do that.

Will preface this by again mentioning that most writing advice (and advice in general) never seemed to work for me, and I mostly thought I was just Bad at Doing Things, until I learned my brain's literally wired differently, and that I'd been trying to apply processes that didn't actually work for said wiring.

So instead, I figured out what worked for me. And what works for me isn't necessarily what will work for you, or even what will work for me a month or five years down the line, but it's going okay right now.

I'll straight up say that, contrary to all the Writing Advice, I don't write every day, and I don't think it's necessary, or even necessarily a good idea -- I have at times, but I no longer do, because if I write for more than six days straight I find the proverbial well dries up and I write less than I do had I just taken a break when I needed it.

Cognitive energy and the sort of ephemeral ~inspiration (work that's been done on a subconscious level) are fundamentally no different than physical energy: if you don't replenish it, you will run out. If you overdo it, you will run out. If you consistently overdo it without replenishing it, you will burn out.

Taking a page from hockey players here: if you did an intense workout right before a game they'd ask what the fuck was the matter with you. You need a nap and a meal and to get some stretching and light work in. Running at 100% all the time will burn you out in every single field, including this one.

That's not me saying not to run at 100% at all. I generally try to pace myself now, but if I'm really in it, and the words are coming easily, I don't stop until they stop -- I wrote just shy of 4k of later scenes for SAIT last week (my 2024 record!), all in one sititng, by hand, when I was supposed to be sleeping, because that's when the inspiration came. I didn't fall asleep until past 6am that night, and my hand is still mad at me.

But you know how much writing I got done the follow day? (None, I was busy transcribing 4k of handwriting). The rest of this week? (Not much more than that). Those bursts of energy are awesome, and honestly can make you feel like a writing god, but the well's the well, and I've learned my personal well is about 5000 words a week deep.

Before my most recent scrape with autistic burnout, which I'm still sort of climbing my way out of, that well was closer to 7500 words. But honestly, it probably wasn't; I was likely just siphoning words from future wells and then it all caught up with me when I was looking at a horizon of dry-ass wells ahead of me. (I'll admit this isn't a perfect metaphor.)

But seriously, my advice for basically everything, not just writing (and something I wish I'd learned before I hit my 30s), is 'figure out what pace you can work at sustainably'.

Please note that 'sustainably' is not 'without literally dying'. Because my literal ass thought when people said 'give it 100%' they meant, you know, 'give it 100%' (I know! absurd of me), rather than 'give the best effort you can give in this moment considering your current resources'. So I gave it my all (also interpreted that one wrong I guess?). And then I wondered why I kept hitting a wall all the time. And why, eventually, I stopped being able to climb that wall entirely.

I don't think I'm ever going to reach that 7500 word threshold again. There will be weeks I'm so inspired I write that much, but the next week I probably won't manage more than 2500. Or maybe I'll have two 7500 weeks in a row, but I'll need to take a whole week off after that, or spend several weeks working at a lower tempo while I let the well replenish itself.

I've been tracking some metrics quite closely as I sort of tweak my life into its new shape (said shape being 'do the best you can given your resources') , and during my most productive month of this year I wrote 3x as much as the worst (writing wise, I was finalising publication at the time), my current weekly average is about 4800 words. Sometimes it's a bit higher or lower, sometimes much higher or lower, but that's what I can sustainably do right now.

Frankly, I'm a little cranky about this: I know I can do more, because I did do more. But my priority now is not to send myself straight back into burnout again, so when I sprint, it's just that, rather than my previous 'trying to run a marathon at the pace of a sprinter'. I'm writing less than I used to, but it's honestly not that much less: because the pace is sustainable rather than boom and bust, I don't run myself ragged enough to desperately need a break.

I'm aware this advice only works if you have control over your own time, and a schedule that doesn't force you to focus on writing say, one day a week, or around other obligations, but the only real workaround for burnout is consistency, and that consistency cannot be your maximum.

Or, it can, but I guarantee you that will bite you in the ass at some point, and the pain of not getting enough done is nothing compared to the pain of not being able to get anything done because your nervous system threw up its hands and decided if you weren't going to listen to their clues (feelings, symptoms) or their warnings (Feelings, Symptoms) that you were overdoing it, they were going to shut your ass down until you listened.

0/10 do not recommend.

Next week: how to trick your brain into doing shit that it doesn't feel like doing, even though it's onto all your tricks by now. Or at least, how I trick mine.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Epilogue

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Masterlist

New York during the spring is incredibly beautiful.

Really, I love it. There is no city like New York in the Netherlands, and I love how different it is, how different the people are.

I love walking around the city on my days off, and eating foods I've never tried before. I love walking into random stores and finding something I didn't know I needed. And I love the peace of mind. You probably don't believe this but compared to The Netherlands, where my family is, New York feels like an oasis.

Well, almost.

You have not killed anyone, Joe. Not since my mother. But somehow, that makes it all worse. I feel stuck, waiting. I am afraid of who your next victim might be. Sometimes, I am even afraid that it will be me.

But you act normal. Everything seems so… well, normal.

“Where is your mind today?” you ask me, and I smile at you and kiss you and we are normal. We are okay.

Most days, I try to pretend our trip to The Netherlands together did not happen.

Most days, I even succeed.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Love is supposed to make you feel a little crazy, right?

We are at your apartment. I slept over last night, because my apartment has roaches. Can you believe that? Fucking roaches. That wouldn’t happen in The Netherlands.

You pull me to you and I giggle when I end up in your lap.

“Seriously, what're you thinking about?”

“Hmmm.” I wiggle, and you are already hard. You want me all the time. It's like the only thing you think about is sex. “I dunno, Joe…”

I shriek and laugh when you lift me, drop me on your bed. Our clothes come off quickly and you enter me and you feel good inside me, you do. But your hands on me… they are killer's hands. They burn.

After we are done, your fingers trace shapes on my hip and it takes so much effort to stay relaxed.

But you kept your promise. A whole day alone in The Netherlands, and my grandparents are still alive. That means something, doesn't it? Maybe you are getting better.

Or maybe I'm just falling for the same mask you wore when we met.

Last night, I found your box.

I thought you might have something like it, somewhere. I didn't think it could scare me.

I know the worst of you, Joe. The idea of you keeping a box of my stuff is almost cute, compared to all of that. I wouldn't have gone through it but I thought it would be nothing surprising, just my things. Something we could laugh over when you came home from Mooney's. Something that would make you think: see? She finds her stuff in my apartment and she thinks it's funny. She loves me.

But some of the stuff in that box… it wasn't mine.

I turn over, press you back into the bed just as you're starting to get up and kiss you hard. Like I can't get enough. Like I want your hands on me.

“Someone's needy today,” you joke, but you like it. You want me needy for you. You want me never to get enough.

And I need to do exactly what you want. Be exactly who you want.

Another woman’s bra. Another woman's diary.

Guinevere Beck, the name on the inside of the cover said.

I put the box back and I didn't tell you I found it. You told me no more secrets and I went along with it. I guess I'm a liar.

I made a mistake coming back to New York with you, Joe. I believed you when you said you'd never hurt someone you love. I thought I could do it. Be with you. Trust that there would be no secrets.

I just didn't think about what would happen, to me, if you were to stop loving me.

I can't let that happen.

And if I cam't keep your eyes on me? Well...

Then Guinevere Beck might need to go. Just like Mitch.

Only this time, I won't have you to do my dirty work.

[runningthroughthegarden]

sometimes friends fall out for the right reasons- rowan laslow

summary: your best friend has been acting weird and it kills you not knowing why. you confront him about it, along with some other confessions

(part 2 is posted on my page)

Rowan has been acting weird lately.

Well, weird for a kid who has telekinetic powers.

I don't know what's going on and it's killing me. Rowan usually tells me everything, but this time it's different. We've been best friends since birth and never in my life have I seen him like this.

I've tried talking to Xavier, but he's just as confused as I am. But I am determined to find out what is going on with Rowan.

-

"Hey Row!" you say pulling up a chair next to him.

Silence. He goes back to reading that same weird old book.

"I was thinking maybe we could go out to stargaze again tonight. It's supposed to be super clear out tonight" you say hoping he will finally agree.

"I don't know y/n... I've got something I have to do tonight" he answers.

"C'mon we haven't hung out in forever" you say pulling his hand into yours with a smile pulling on your lips.

He sighs. "Okay fine" he says rolling his eyes with a slight smile.

-

As you finish your last piece of homework, you look over to the clock seeing it's time to meet Rowan. You throw on your leather jacket, quickly leaving your dorm and grabbing a blanket on the way out.

The walk to the edge of the woods went by quickly and you were excited to be with Rowan again. Maybe tonight was finally the night you get to the bottom of what's been up with him lately. Maybe tonight you will finally express your feelings for him.

He hadn't arrived yet, so you took it upon yourself to set up the blanket. You can hear a cello being played in the distance.

It'd been twenty minutes. "He'll be here soon, probably just wrapping up some homework" you thought.

Forty minutes. "He should be here any minute" you say, exhaling with a slight shiver.

Two hours. You finally decided he wasn't coming. You were far too cold to wait any longer, so you slowly got up picking up your blanket. The walk back to your dorm was filled with disappointment. Never in your entire friendship had Rowan stood you up without saying anything. You felt a familiar twinge in your heart, you wanted so badly to have the old Rowan back.

-

The next day you hadn't seen Rowan at all. You were pissed off because he wasn't even there to see you ignoring him. You had finally had enough.

Walking to his dorm you could feel your steps picking up and your heart beating faster. You quickly knock on his door waiting for a response.

And there he is. Hair a mess. Glasses missing. A simple white t-shirt. You were supposed to be mad at him, but you couldn't help but weaken at the sight of him.

"Where the hell were you!" you say pushing past him and into his dorm.

"I waited for two hours! In the freezing cold. Hoping you just lost track of time. But you didn't show. No text or call. No nothing!"

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Look I told you I had some things to take care of" he sighs.

"Well you could've told me! You didn't have to leave me in the cold like that!!"

He sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Are you seriously upset right now? You don't get to be upset! I have been so patient with you lately Rowan. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't try to push it. I have been waiting for you to come to me but it's like I don't even exist to you anymore!" you slightly shout, anger building in your body.

"Jesus Christ, I don't need this right now y/n!! You have no fucking idea what I've been going through. I'm SO sorry I missed our stupid little date, but I have actual shit I need to get done. And I don't need you following me around like a lost puppy. Just leave me the hell alone".

You could feel tears brimming your eyes.

You scoff. "And to think I was in love with you"

Rowan laughs.

You feel your heart sink.

He stares down at you slowly backing you up against the wall. You could feel his breath against your cheek as he looks down at you.

"Forget about your stupid little crush and get out of my room. I don't need you" he says while backing away waiting for you to leave.

You run out of his room as soon as he backed away.

How could he? Whatever is going on has seriously fucked with Rowans head.

As you crash into your bed sobbing, you can only hope that your Row will come back.

[coraniaid]

Kendra shows up for the first time in What's My Line? and delivers several speeches about her past and her training to (maybe!) one day become a Slayer that boil down to:

"I don't really remember my parents except as pictures I've been shown, but I do know [somehow?] that they took slaying really seriously and they sent me to be trained as a Potential Slayer when I was very young. I know that if you want to be a good Slayer it's important not to be distracted by things like boys or friends or school or family, and I really want to be a good Slayer. And I know that a Slayer has to work in secret, and she musn't tell anybody else about vampires or being a Slayer (but again, my parents -- yeah, the ones I'm not allowed to talk to -- they really knew I was a Potential Slayer and they definitely approved of me being raised by my Watcher and never seeing them again ... No, I don't know their last names). You shouldn't feel sorry for me, though: I definitely don't feel sad or angry about this at all. My Watcher -- he's pretty much the only person I'm allowed to talk to, I guess -- he says that emotions are a weakness. I am a good Slayer. I definitely don't feel sad at all."

If you take Kendra seriously as a character for even a second, I'm not sure how you can hear all that and not think that something suspicious is going on. I'm not saying the Council had Kendra abducted or had her parents killed -- it doesn't seem quite their style -- but ... if her parents or her extended family (her "people", as the show puts it) know about Slaying and take it very seriously, why would the Council want them to send their daughter somewhere away from them where she isn't allowed to talk to anybody apart from her Watcher about being a Slayer? Was she going to be "distracted" by being brought up by people who were definitely 100% in favour of her being a Slayer? What real evidence does Kendra have that her Watcher can be trusted about anything he tells her about her parents? Why does this sound like the internal monologue of a character in the first third of a horror novel who doesn't quite yet realize they've been raised by a cult?

And so, you might think, this is where Kendra's arc is going to go. Next season is, after all, all about Buffy losing confidence in her own Watcher and the system of Watchers in general. Maybe Kendra will start to suspect she's been lied to. Maybe she'll try to track down her parents. Maybe they've been looking for her all this time; maybe they died in an accident and the Council decided it would be simpler to train Kendra as a Slayer if she didn't have anything else in her life to "distract" her. Maybe this is another Ampata situation, and Kendra's family really did give her up, and when she has some space away from her Watcher to think about it she realizes she's pretty angry about that. Maybe she'll go through the Cruciamentum, and lose her powers for a bit, and ask herself what would have happened to her if she'd waited and trained and gotten older and never been Called as a Slayer at all.

But instead the show means all this to be taken entirely at face value. Everything Kendra says is just supposed to stand in contrast with Buffy's own experience of becoming a Slayer, even though you can't really just reverse "Buffy's parents don't know anything about Slaying" and "Buffy lives with her Mom and has to try to hide her patrolling activites from her" and "Buffy never knew anything about the supernatural or vampire slayers until she was told she was one" and "Buffy still tries to go to school and socialize and date and have as much of a normal life as she can" and "Buffy isn't always perfect at keeping her Slaying secret from the people in her life" and hope to create anything coherent.

The next time we see or hear about Kendra it's literally just for about fifteen minutes so she can be killed off and written out of the show forever. And then pretty much nobody ever talks about her again (except for a brief mention the episode after she dies and a final fleeting reference early the next season. And then in Season 7 we meet Kennedy, the only other Potential with any real screen time who the Council seem to have trained from a young age, who definitely does remember her family and tells Willow about growing up as a relatively normal (if slightly spoiled) child and doesn't seem to have gone through anything like this.

[angel-of-the-moons]

A Rose Under The Moon

Moon Knight System (Marc/Steven/Jake) x Fem!Reader

TW/CW: None mostly. Goldfish slander, some minor injuries resulting from clumsiness, mentions of events from the show. Layla is here! We stan a healthy, happy divorced couple in this house >=\

A/N: There will be multiple chapters like these in this series, mostly dialogue and filler to help facilitate plot.

Taglist: @shirukitsune @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @bad4amficideas

🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒

Chapter 4:

Old, Unhappy, Far-Off Things

"You guys can't keep doing this." Layla said over the phone.

"I know, I know." Marc sighed, running his hands through his hair. He haphazardly sprinkled some fish flakes into the tank to feed the ever chubby goldfish; looking at the glass to see Steven's reflection staring back at him, a frown creasing his features.

(Marc, you're going to make 'em pop!) Steven scolded.

"Well, how am I supposed to know how much to feed three goldfish?" Marc groaned.

"Steven told you the fish were gonna explode, eh?" Layla laughed softly.

"Yeah. Almost exactly that. I swear, I've never met a man who needs an emotional support fish." He replied, holding the phone between his shoulder and ear, screwing the lid back onto the tiny container of nasty-smelling flakes.

(How dare you! Gus and his friends are members of this family! You're going to hurt their feelings!) Steven said, absolutely aghast at Marc's summary of how the little aquatic creatures fit into their lives.

(The other two don't even have names yet, hermanito.) Jake finally piped in, coming to co-front to see what all the fuss was about.

"But seriously, Marc. You have to take it easy. Just tell Khonshu to shove off and ignore his bony ass for a few days!" Layla sighed. Though they weren't married or intimate anymore, Layla still cared deeply for "her boys"; even Jake, to a point. Even if she didn't fully trust him, he was a part of Marc and Steven. Part of their system. She knew Jake was the protector. She knew that he was only violent when he absolutely had to be.

Or when Khonshu sent him after fresh targets. She still didn't like that.

"You think I haven't tried that?" Marc flopped onto the sofa, his hand resting over his face as he sighed.

"He's a god, Layla. It's not so easy to just say no."

"Taweret doesn't seem to have a problem with boundaries." She pointed out.

"Because Taweret is a big softie, Layla. She literally mothers you." Marc retorted with a grunt.

"Well… she is the goddess of motherhood. One of them, anyway." Layla conceded.

"And Khonshu is the god of being a tall, harping asshole who refuses to let me rest." Marc leaned back, closing his eyes as the leather on the sofa softly groaned under his weight.

"You think we like working for him, still? We don't. We need the suit, and people need to be kept safe..."

"Have you considered just… giving it all up? Telling Khonshu you're done? Just hang up the cape?" Layla hummed.

Marc could feel Steven and Jake fade into the background of the headspace, leaving him alone to his conversation with Layla, not enjoying the current topic at all. And it would be smarter to prevent a possible argument between Jake and Marc, right now. They had enough headaches.

"I already tried that, remember? Khonshu just used Jake before we knew he was here and had him kill Harrow."

"Right…"

"And besides…" Marc said, conspiratorially. "...I think he already has his sights set on another person to be a Moon Knight. And I don't know who it is, but I know he's going to hold it over my head. Steven, Jake and I would rather be dead than let some poor, innocent person see the shit we have."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Okay… You obviously need a mental health break. Anyplace in particular you can go to get away from everything?"

"Well… there is one place. A little shop Steven found that's nearby." Marc replied.

"Is it a bookstore?" Layla laughed.

"Yeah. Yeah, it is." Marc chuckled. "Some woman runs it. American, if you can believe that. Apparently the store was her aunt's or something and she inherited it from her when she died. Steven's built a bit of a rapport with her. Me too. Kinda. She also sells stuff like coffee, tea, snacks… kind of like a one-person cafe."

"She runs it alone?"

"Yeah, impressive actually. But, it's not always safe, I saw that the other day." Marc nodeed.

"Oh? What happened?" Layla asked, wholly invested now. They had a friend? She likely didn't know about their DID, but Marc, and by that extension Steven, and possibly Jake having friends was a win in Layla's book.

"Some abusive drunk ran in after his girlfriend. Apparently she hid his girlfriend in her flat upstairs when she came in covered with bruises and freaking out." Marc said, smiling a bit at remembering your tenacity and urge to protect somebody you didn't even know. Even Jake respected you after that. And Jake respects very few people.

But it proves you were a protector, like he was. Not to the same extent, but close.

"Sounds like a good person."

"She seems like one. I just hope she doesn't get herself into trouble with anymore–ah!" Marc hissed, dropping the phone and waving his hand in the air as pain whipped through his fingertips.

"Shit!" He cursed, picking up the phone again with his other hand. He glared at the red marks appearing in his palm.

"Marc? Are you okay? What happened?" Layla asked, her voice just a hair above worried.

"Yeah, just my fucking hands again. Last week it was my shins." He grunted.

"So either you're getting old," Layla teased. "Or a certain someone hurt themselves again."

"Yeah, just wish they'd quit it. It's really inconvenient."

"That's a bit hypocritical, don't you think?"

"What?" Marc asked, his brow furrowing as he watched the burning red marks blossom on his skin. Pretty, almost, if you were into that sort of messed-up body art.

"Marc, please don't tell me you haven't considered that every time you got hurt, your soulmate felt those pains, too?" Layla deadpanned with a sigh, most likely pinching the bridge of her nose. He could picture it now. She was probably pacing in the kitchen of her flat in Cairo; the sun illuminating her figure, making her curls glow in an amber light, highlighting her jaw as she frowned.

But the thought she triggered in his mind sent a stone dropping into his gullet. Had he really not considered that? He thought that maybe, being Moon Knight would… would dull the pains, or maybe negate them entirely. Or… was he just stupid and didn't put them into consideration?

If they can feel his pain, and he can feel theirs... what about when he…

But sometimes it felt redundant to think about and worry for someone he never met, but at the same time…

"Fuck." Marc hissed, wiping at his face.

"Oh, my gods! You haven't been careful at all have you?" Layla gasped.

"I…"

"Marc! You and the other two need to get it together and take it easy. You think you don't understand things? Imagine how your soulmate feels. They're probably going about their normal daily routines and feel it when you get shot! Oh gods, what about when we were in Egypt and you got impaled?" Layla murmured. "Gods, I almost forgot about… what about when you died? I don't even want to imagine what they felt."

Marc dropped back into the cushions staring blankly at the ceiling. She voiced the very thing he himself was hesitant to mention.

"I… I forgot about that, too." Marc said, his voice almost flat.

"I imagine they must have been confused when their mark reappeared."

"Fuck…" Marc groaned, feeling exhaustion suddenly creep into his body. But then, he jerked, gripping the back of his head. "Damn it!"

"Another pain?" Layla mused.

"God–yeah. Right in the back of my head." Marc grunted.

"Yikes. Your soulmate must not be having a good day." Layla chuckled.

"Whoever they are, they're accident-prone as all hell!" He grumbled, pouting as he rubbed the fresh sore spot.

"Pot callin' kettle, Maaaarc." Layla sang softly over the phone.

"Yeah, yeah. You sound like Steven."

"Good."

"Ugh, please don't say that." Marc said, a smirk cracking his mask of discomfort. "He's already nagging me."

"Okay, okay…" Layla quieted for a moment. "Hey, Marc?"

"Yeah?"

"I might take a trip to London. Maybe if I'm there, Taweret and I can run interference for you to give you a break." Layla suggested.

"Layla… You don't–"

"Already looking at plane tickets." She interrupted.

"Of course you are." Marc smiled. That was one of the things he loved about Layla when they first met. He was drawn to her. Her snark, her determination…

"Yeah. I'll pack a bag and hop the flight that leaves in a few hours."

"Wow, okay." Marc said, his eyes widening. "You're serious about this?"

"Who else is going to babysit you three and get Khonshu off your back if me and the Hippo Mama don't?" Layla jabbed playfully.

"Oh my god, you do not call her that." Marc snorted, shaking his head.

"She thinks it's a cute nickname. And she agrees with my plan, so…"

"Oh great. You two gonna just harp me and remind me to take my vitamins, too?"

"I mean, if we have to…"

"Ugh. You're impossible."

"But that's why everyone loves me!" Layla laughed.

"Sure, sure. And Layla?" Marc asked, looking at the mark on his wrist, a soft fond look in his eyes. It was blooming today, the rose.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, Marc. Go hang at that bookstore and get a coffee or something, yeah?"

🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒🌒

You hurried up the stairs and rushed to your oven, frantically cursing with each step as you hauled yourself up the stairs and into your flat.

You practically ripped the oven door open, coughing as smoke filled your nostrils as the burned pastries greeted you.

"Damn it!" You whine, slipping your oven mitt on and grabbing the small pan with one hand.

Your phone started ringing and you spun on your heels to glare at the offending object secured to the wall.

"Oh, shut up, you–"

You felt the pan tip when you turned, the blackened treats threatening to fall to the floor, and without thinking you reached out with you other, unprotected hand and gripped it, before making a sharp yelp and throwing the pan onto the counter with a loud bang, blowing air over your burning and blistering hand.

"Shit, shit, shit!" You hiss, turning to your sink and hitting the tap for some cold water. The stinging subsided, if only minutely.

The phone rang incessantly again.

You dropped your shoulders and rolled your eyes with a groan, and pulled away from the soothing coldness of your tap.

But, of course, as your natural "luck" would have it… You trailed water onto your floor, and slipped into it, cracking the back of your head on the tile. Not hard enough to knock you out, no, but it was just enough to hurt, and leave a rather nasty bump.

So. There you lay, flat on your back, water still flushing into the drain of your sink, smoke detector now going off, and your house telephone ringing impertinently.

"I didn't do anything! Why're you guys always giving me the short end of the stick?" You shout at nothing in particular; maybe whatever gods could hear your lamentations and rueful words.

For extra effect, you flipped the bird with your uninjured hand.

Yeah.

Fate was a funny thing, all right.

Chapter 5: Link

[marimitozpen]

how to find a family and yourself, too

Summary: He supposes he becomes a man somewhere along the way, begrudgingly accepting the role as if it was some new expectation he needed to rise to. He never questioned why it was that way, just that it was. It's just some truth of the world: the sea is blue, his hair is green, and men just have to pretend to know what being a man is.

Or, Zoro realizes he is not as cis as he thinks he is, and that the crew doesn’t care, and that he really loves his family.

★★★★★★★★★★

Hi! This fic was originally uploaded to ao3 exactly two years ago today, and in honor of its second birthday I wanted to crosspost to tumblr. This is the only fic I've ever uploaded, and I wrote it as a way to process the fact that I am agender. A lot of Zoro's thoughts and feelings are based on my own. I know there's not a market for agender Zoro, but I know that this fic helped people from my ao3 comments. The original fic is under a different name, and I went through and edited this one before crossposting, because I have improved over the past two years. Anyways, enjoy!

*slight spoilers up to and including fishman island*

★★★★★★★★★★

The first time it happens, Zoro is ten years old.

The day isn’t going well, anyways. Zoro has been training tirelessly at the Isshin Dojo for an entire year already, dedicating all he has into finally defeating Kuina. She is his last obstacle, and just that day, she had beaten him in their 2,000th match. 2,000 times, Zoro had taken up the bamboo swords, and 2,000 times Kuina had struck him down. She’s still so far away, this unreachable pillar that Zoro just can’t defeat, no matter how hard he tries. Zoro is at his wits end, trying to understand how he is ever going to get out of this dojo, how he is ever going to move forward.

It’s hopeless, really. How could Zoro ever hope to become the greatest when he can’t even defeat the girl in front of him?

So, he takes up his swords, real ones made of steel and sharp enough to slice anything, and challenges Kuina. He finds her outside, sitting by the side of the road, and starts yelling. “I plan to make this our last fight, I’m going to end this! Fight me with a real sword!”

It is exhilarating , the most exciting thing in Zoro’s short life up to this point. Bamboo swords and sparring do not compare to the thrill of putting your life on the line, the danger of getting hurt for real, the scent of steel and sparks in the air. Kuina is just as difficult to defeat as ever, always faster or stronger than him. Zoro’s arms ache from the weight of the swords, and Kuina teases him, and she still manages to toss him in the air like a ragdoll. Their 2,001st match; Zoro’s 2,001st loss. The weight of the defeat is crushing, and as much as Zoro doesn’t want to, he starts to tear up.

But then, for reasons Zoro just can not understand, Kuina tells him that he shouldn’t cry. She tells him that eventually, just because she is a girl, she will start to get weaker. That she won’t be taken seriously. That just because of her gender, she can never be the strongest .

It makes Zoro feel a lot of emotions, a lot of which he can’t really decipher right now. If Kuina is giving up on being the greatest for some stupid reason like being a girl, where does that leave Zoro? All of his training so far has been just to defeat her, and here she is, saying she was just going to lose someday. What about all of this strength I’ve worked for? Zoro thinks. What about the strength you worked for? Does it all just disappear, because you grew up and that makes you weaker?

There was something else, too, something a lot harder to put words to. Just as Kuina is accepting defeat because she was a girl, she’s basically telling Zoro that he’s destined to win because he was a man. He’s everything she wishes she was, born to be stronger and faster and naturally more talented, and Zoro just can’t stand it. It feels like an unbelievable weight on his shoulders, just another thing he has to work for and grow into. Who says I have to be a man like that? Why does it matter? None of this matters, just our training!

Zoro finally gives Kuina a piece of his mind, yelling about the things that were easier for him to understand. He tells her that when the day comes that he finally beats her, it will be because he worked for it and earned his own strength, not because of her gender. And that she can’t just give up on being the greatest, because he is going to surpass her. Kuina smiles at him, and under the moonlight, they make a promise. One of us will become the world’s greatest swordsman.

Zoro gets everything out that night, but he still goes to bed feeling like something was wrong. But how could he explain the sinking feeling in his stomach, the gut instinct that Kuina was wrong? He’s already gotten her to agree that her strength and training were more important than something like her gender, so why does he still feel so odd?

She just… told me I was a man. I never thought about it until now, but am I? What does that mean? Does that mean beating Kuina, becoming the strongest? Zoro’s thoughts run wild for a minute, and he lets them, before he thinks about how swordsmanship was mind as well as body. Whatever was happening, it didn’t matter, it was just a bump in the road. He just decides that Kuina was what made a man, that if gender matters so much, he’ll just earn his when he beats her. It’s simple enough, and Zoro finally drifts to sleep.

He never gets the chance to beat Kuina. The next day, his world comes crashing down. Kuina had died, slipped down the stairs and away. Forever out of Zoro’s reach.

It was really, really hard to accept for a long, long time. Zoro throws himself into his training, trying to ignore the way he could still see her out of the corners of his eyes, focused only on becoming stronger so that he could live up to their promise. Zoro never settles for anything less than the best, and now he has to carry Kuina’s dream, too.

Kuina’s father hands over her sword, and it feels heavy with expectation but perfectly balanced in Zoro’s small hands. Carrying along Kuina’s legacy was still difficult sometimes, but sometimes he feels like having someone there with him makes it easier. Zoro pushes forward, both striving to surpass Kuina and to bring her along with him.

Zoro doesn’t think about his weird feelings from that night again for a long time. It’s easy to ignore in the monotony of the dojo – he doesn’t stand out from the other kids in anything but strength. They all wear the same uniforms, sleep in piles on the floor, train and live and fight together. Zoro pushes himself a little beyond what was reasonable sometimes, but that’s all just training to become the strongest. Some days, the pressure he feels is so overwhelming that every “he” he hears stings, but that’s okay. He can ignore it.

He supposes he becomes a man somewhere along the way, begrudgingly accepting the role as if it was some new expectation he needed to rise to. He never questioned why it was that way, just that it was. It's just some truth of the world: the sea is blue, his hair is green, and men just have to pretend to know what being a man is. He doesn’t get to seriously question it again until nine years later, when Zoro finds himself as one member of a two-member pirate crew, sailing away from a Marine base and on to something new.

----------

Zoro wakes up to Luffy singing, loud and bright and right in Zoro’s ear. Zoro doesn’t regret joining up, because he can tell this kid is going to take him far, but he also really wants to sleep right now. He’s not made of rubber, he can’t just bounce back into place after being injured the way his new captain can. Zoro cracks one eye open and turns his head in Luffy’s direction, intent on giving the younger boy a piece of his mind.

Instead, his eyes fall on Luffy’s chest. Luffy’s vest is open, and there are two long, thin cuts on either side of his chest. They look old, already healed, but Zoro still panics.

“Luffy, your chest! Did you get hurt back at the Marine base? Why didn’t you tell anyone!” he shouts, sitting up as quickly as he can.

Luffy just cocks his head, looking terribly confused. Then, as if a lightbulb has gone off in his head, he smiles. “Oh, are you talking about my scars?”

Zoro nods, swallowing. Those scars look painful , and Zoro is kinda shocked that Luffy is being so nonchalant about all of this. He is pulled out of his thoughts by laughter.

“I got surgery a year ago! Pretty cool, right? I told Gramps I wouldn’t become a Marine unless I got it, so he paid for me to have surgery, then I became a pirate anyways. I sure showed him, huh?”

Zoro’s head is spinning. He doesn’t know who Gramps is or why he wanted Luffy to become a Marine, and he still doesn’t know why Luffy got this surgery. His confusion must be clear on his face, because Luffy starts explaining again.

“Are you confused on why I got the surgery?” he asks gently. Zoro nods.

“It’s cause I’m trans!” Luffy announces with a grin. “Do you know what that is?”

Zoro shakes his head at that. Is this something I should know? he thinks, but Luffy is quick to dispel his worry.

“Don’t worry, lots of people don’t know! I didn’t even know for a long time. Basically, it means I wasn’t born as a boy. My brain and my heart always said I was a boy, even though my body didn’t. So I had to change my body to match.”

Luffy’s explanation makes sense to Zoro, but he still feels confused, although for a different reason. Not born as a boy…  Zoro just didn’t know that was something that could happen. He is silent for a long time, and Luffy just starts humming beside him. Zoro thinks he might recognize the tune.

After a long time, Luffy finally speaks up again. “Zoro, you’re… okay with it, right?”

Zoro startles a bit, then processes Luffy’s question. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Luffy shrugs, one hand playing with the brim of his straw hat. “I dunno… it’s just that some people aren’t. You went all silent on me, I didn’t know what you were thinking.”

Zoro smiles at Luffy. It’s weird, because smiles used to be rare for Zoro, but it seems like his captain is able to draw them out of him so easily. “It’s okay, captain. I was just thinking about something else.”

Luffy laughs again. The sun is dipping lower on the horizon, washing their boat in shades of orange and purple, but Luffy’s face is as bright as the sun. “That’s good, cause I would’ve had to fight you if you weren’t okay with it.” He sways a little where he sits, coming to rest with his head on Zoro’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna fight my crew. That’s not what nakama’s for.”

Zoro just looks ahead, still deep in thought. He is vaguely aware of Luffy falling asleep on his shoulder, but for some reason, he doesn’t push the boy off. He just sits, thinking. Not born as a man… so how did you know, then? Did someone tell you that you were a man, just like Kuina told me?

What does all of this mean? I never just… felt like a man, I had to make myself feel like one. So am I a woman, then? Is that an option? Zoro’s racing mind halts for a second as he considers this train of thought. He snorts as he realizes how stupid it is. Okay, definitely not a woman. I guess this is what Luffy felt, then. Just not a woman.

It all starts to make a little more sense to Zoro. If all it takes to be a man is just not being a woman, then Zoro has that down pat. The rest will be easy. And yet, Zoro still feels strange. It feels like a door is opening up to him. Something is starting to change, and he can’t tell what yet.

----------

Zoro hates Sanji the moment he sets eyes on him. The cook is pretentious, starting a fight with a Marine over some soup, and Zoro can’t stand how preachy Sanji is. Then, he starts getting all flirty with Nami, which also pisses Zoro off. This Sanji guy is a real idiot, and if Zoro didn’t respect Luffy so much, he would be really worried about this guy joining the crew.

But there’s something else about Sanji that irks Zoro, something he can’t quite put his finger on. He could go on for days about how Sanji is loud, and rude, and stuck-up, and stupid; but it feels like Zoro is skirting around some other issue. Luffy and Zoro are just as loud and rude, and according to Nami they’re even dumber than Sanji. Most of these qualities don’t even bother Zoro, so why does Sanji just have this way of pushing all of Zoro’s buttons?

After a few weeks and a few run-ins with death (and a very valuable reality check for Zoro), Zoro begrudgingly accepts Sanji’s presence on the crew. He has to admit, the other man is damn good in a fight, both as an ally and as an opponent. He’s also a very, very good cook, but Zoro would never tell him that. He doesn’t need Sanji’s ego getting any bigger, the thing is already threatening to sink the Merry. 

But Sanji still pisses Zoro off to no end.

The two of them get along like a house on fire. They will argue about anything and everything, much to Luffy’s amusement and Nami and Usopp’s chagrin. Zoro will insult the cook’s stupid eyebrows and Sanji will insult Zoro’s unusual hair color, and they will exchange blows just as often as they have each other’s backs. It makes things slightly tense, but still interesting.

Sanji is everything Zoro hates about men, Zoro realizes one day. He is cocky and rude and he pushes himself onto women, he is over-the-top and annoying and oh so performative. Zoro can’t stand him, because he’s everything Zoro’s not and he’s everything Zoro doesn’t ever want to be and he’s so damn loud about it.

This realization does absolutely nothing to remedy Zoro and Sanji’s relationship. Zoro is not only mad at Sanji at this point, he’s just as mad at himself for realizing what Sanji is and what he’s doing and feeling threatened by it. Seriously, Zoro has no reason to be questioning himself right now, and yet Sanji just manages to get under his skin and make him actually think. Zoro doesn’t like thinking all that much, he much prefers actions.

It makes Zoro wonder why Sanji is like this and how exactly his masculinity or whatever has the power to make Zoro so mad. It has Zoro questioning his own masculinity, because he is so different from Sanji so how can he be sure he’s doing it right? It makes Zoro think about his place on the crew, because it used to be easy; there was Luffy, the captain; then Zoro, then Usopp and Nami. Now there’s Sanji, and he has the potential to be Zoro’s equal in terms of strength, and Zoro just feels so strange about all of this. 

Zoro deals with it the way he deals with all of his non-physical problems: he ignores it. If Zoro can’t slice through a problem, it simply can’t be solved, from his point of view. Not that he doesn’t try slicing through Sanji, but the cook is quick enough to put up a fight. And besides, Luffy would probably be pretty upset if Zoro hurt or killed his beloved cook. 

The two of them continue to fight, and Zoro might even be starting more fights on purpose now, because he’s just angry with himself and Sanji and what better way to take it out? Eventually Nami puts some sort of stop on it and gives them both a stern talking-to, but that’s only because Sanji can’t say no to her and she’s threatening to raise Zoro’s debt if he keeps starting unnecessary fights. This doesn’t end the fighting entirely, not by a long shot, but at least some semblance of peace returns to their small ship. If Sanji were gone , Zoro thinks, peace could return entirely. But unfortunately, Sanji is there to stay, and he is there to be a thorn in Zoro’s side for the entire rest of their journey.

----------

Zoro did not expect to be literally facing his past when he woke up this morning and departed the ship to explore Loguetown, but here he is. Staring into the face of a dead girl who is shouting words at him that he hasn’t heard in almost a decade, and Zoro just feels so many things he might not be able to handle it.

Tashigi has been popping up around Zoro all day; he saw her on the street and accidentally broke her glasses, she dragged him to the Marine base for chores, he escaped but met her again at the swords shop, she finally recognized him and chased him down. And here they are, standing in the rain, as she taunts him.

As if it weren’t bad enough that she’s forcing her stupid ideal of justice on him, insulting his bond with his sword because he’s a “criminal” or whatever, Tashigi starts repeating the words that Kuina shouted that day all those years ago. She seems insulted that Zoro isn’t taking her seriously, interprets it not as an offense to her own skill, but an attack on her gender. Kuina’s face and Kuina’s words… it’s all too much for Zoro.

“Is it because I’m a woman?” Tashigi screams. “You view me as weak, you won’t finish me off! Take me seriously! You don’t understand what it’s like, to wish you were born a boy!” She’s so loud and so pushy and Zoro finally just snaps. He whirls around and starts yelling back, even though he knows it’s childish.

“Everything about you pisses me off! You have the same face as my close friend who died years ago, and then you start shouting the same things as she does! Give me a break, you copycat!” Zoro breathes in, and Tashigi starts arguing back, but Zoro continues. “I’ll tell you what I told her; your gender has nothing to do with it, only your skill and mine. And if I didn’t take you seriously, take that as an offense to your skill, because I held back because you were weak! Don’t blame it on gender!”

Tashigi just stands there, staring at him. It’s clear she’s never been talked to like this; her jaw is hanging open and Zoro is pretty sure that there’s tears mixing in with the rain on her cheeks. He scowls at her, then turns back to go find his captain, leaving her in the dust.

Later, when Zoro is back on the ship, he starts to think a bit more about what Tashigi said. It brings back everything from the night of Kuina’s death; the confusion and the anger and the weird, unplaceable feeling that Zoro was sure he suppressed but is coming back to rear its ugly head. What is it about swordswomen and their ability to shake me up like this? Zoro thinks to himself, allowing himself to just wallow in his confusion for a few seconds. He then stands up, shakes himself off, and decides he must become stronger, so he can get past this stupid gender stuff.

Of course, he can’t fully relax yet, because Nami is approaching. “Thinking over there, Zoro? I don’t see you doing that often,” she teases. Zoro flips her off. 

“Awww, c’mon, don’t be like that. Tell me everything! I’m a great problem solver, you know.” She encourages as she sits down on the deck and pulls Zoro down next to her. And Zoro really doesn’t want to tell her anything, but… they’re cooped up on a ship and Nami is the only woman here so maybe she will at least have some perspective on this whole thing?

“I just got in a really weird fight today, with one of the Marines. After I defeated her she started yelling about how I wasn’t taking her seriously just because she’s a woman. It reminded me of my childhood friend, she used to say the same thing. It’s strange, because I don’t think about who my opponent is when I fight them, only their skill.” Zoro explains. His voice sounds weak and it hits Zoro that this is really stupid, but he’s already said it so there’s not much he can do now.

Nami hums as she thinks. “Well, she’s probably feeling insecure a little bit. All women are used to being underestimated. Some of us, like me,” Nami accentuates her statement by pointing to herself, “like to use it to our advantage. I’ve got Sanji-kun wrapped around my finger, you know? Just because I’m a girl.” She pauses, then looks at Zoro before starting her next point.

“Well, I guess some women don’t view it the same way. They want to be seen as equals, instead of having to constantly prove themselves by exceeding expectations. I guess that Marine and your friend are both like that, they see that you’re not taking them seriously and they think it’s because you’re underestimating them. But if it’s just because of their skill, like you say, then there’s not much you can do other than ignore them.” Nami pats his shoulder. “Got that, stupid?”

“Yeah,” Zoro grumbles, not rising to the bait for once. “Although Kuina, my friend… I never underestimated her. She was always stronger than me. I never once beat her in a fight.”

If Nami notices the use of past tense, she doesn’t comment on it. “I’m sure I would’ve liked her, if she could take you down a peg,” Nami laughs. She leaves a little while later, and Zoro is kinda glad he had this talk. He’s still a bit swamped by the weird feelings, but at least the other things are starting to make a little more sense.

----------

“Hey Robin, whatcha readin?”

The response from the crew is instantaneous. Everyone who is on deck, Zoro included, falls silent and stares. Zoro himself sits up from where he was sprawled across the deck to watch as his captain leans over Robin’s shoulder to inspect the book she has laying open on the table.

He thinks he heard about this happening once before, of Luffy showing an interest in Robin’s books, and that the crew had been just as shocked then. It’s just that books and Luffy… they don’t really go together. Luffy has been listening in to some of Robin’s story times and she is more than happy to read out loud for some of her younger crewmates, but it’s rare that Luffy is the one to show interest.

“Oh, it’s a book about different identities. It’s rather interesting, do you want me to read it to you?” Robin hardly seems phased by Luffy’s sudden interest, taking it in stride. She’s always happy to indulge her captain on his more tame shenanigans.

Luffy shakes his head. “Nah, the pictures just caught my attention.” At this, most of the crew lets out a collective sigh. Nami goes back to watering her flowers, and Usopp and Chopper start making noise on the upper deck again. Sanji prattles away in the kitchen and Franky stays below deck, neither of them having heard the initial question. Zoro wants to keep watching, for some reason. Luffy hooks his arm over Robin’s shoulder, fingers running across the page. “Like this one! The colors are pretty. What’s it mean?”

Robin smiles, and it is unlike the smiles Zoro has seen from her up to this point. “That flag represents transgender people, Captain. Do you know what that is?”

Now it is Luffy’s turn to smile, the toothy grin taking up his whole face. “Like me!” he exclaims cheerfully.

Robin looks shocked for a second before she reigns her expression in. Zoro thinks this is the first time he’s seen her smile with teeth. “I’m like that too, Captain,” she replies. “How funny that we should meet on this broad sea.”

Luffy is positively beaming at this point. He finally pulls up a chair and sits across from Robin. He is gesturing excitedly as he speaks, telling Robin it is so cool that they met and that he’s never met another person like himself before. Zoro smiles a little, in spite of himself. It’s nice to hear his captain so happy, and seeing Robin smiling fondly isn’t so bad either. He is about to drift back to sleep when Luffy is suddenly calling to him.

“Zoro, hey Zoro! You should come look too! This book is so cool, they have a flag for everything!” Zoro cracks one eye open to glare at his captain. Robin is giggling from behind her hand.

Zoro sighs. Yes, it’s nice that his captain is taking interest in a somewhat quiet activity, and that Robin is opening up a little too. But to be honest, Zoro has no interest in the book himself. He figures that nothing in there is going to apply to him, since he already realized he’s not like his captain or Robin.

“I think that the swordsman wants to sleep, Captain.” Oh, nice save Robin! Zoro makes a mental note to thank her later. Luffy protests a little, grumbling something about how all Zoro does is sleep, but he’s drawn back into the book when Robin flips the page.

“Robin, look, this one looks like Zoro,” Luffy comments. Robin agrees, telling him that those colors do look a lot like Zoro’s hair color and outfit. Zoro can still feel Luffy’s gaze on him, but he ignores it. He closes his eyes and lets himself drift off to sleep for real, this time.

----------

Zoro wakes up in a bed in a room he does not recognize. Not that he’s never done that before, but it seems different this time. Zoro shouldn’t be here.

The last thing he remembers is running for his life. Zoro had been gravely injured, and there was an admiral and all these robots, and they really stood no chance…

The weird, spongy, not-earth of the Sabaody Archipelago is making it hard to run. Zoro’s legs ache and he’s sure he’s reopened several of his wounds. It took a serious joint effort just to take down that one Kuma robot, and Zoro isn’t honestly sure he has it in him to take on any more. He hates feeling so weak, but of course he couldn’t have changed the outcome of Thriller Bark. Zoro would gladly do it again to save his captain.

Still, this is a very bad situation, and no time for reminiscing. Zoro has crewmates to protect, and he has robots to escape. Of course, it is then that the real Kuma shows up. He quips about Zoro still being alive, and Zoro gives him the best answer he can in the moment. Of course, he does owe Kuma in a way, but the man still poses a huge threat.

Zoro’s lungs ache and his legs are about to give out. His arms are weak, he can’t do anything to save himself. He is aware of people yelling, trying to save him, but it’s too late. Kuma raises one huge, ungloved paw and swings it. Zoro’s world fades away immediately.

That’s the last thing Zoro remembers, so how the hell did he get here? He can feel bandages covering his skin, but they are not wrapped with the professionalism and care that Chopper’s usually are, which tells him that he’s no longer with his crewmates. He wonders what happened to them and starts panicking, bolting out of bed to start taking in his surroundings.

Then, he sees her out of the corner of his eye. The weird ghost girl from Thriller Bark, what was her name again? Perfume, or something?

“It’s Perona, you dumbass!” she shouts. Oh, so Zoro said that out loud then.

She explains to him that he came down in a bubble and how it was part of Kuma’s power. She doesn’t know where they are, but she bandaged him up the best she could, and he really needs to wait and rest before he does anything stupid. 

Zoro doesn’t listen, of course. He’s not so weak and helpless that he can just lay in bed when his crew probably needs him, when his captain probably needs him. He just keeps going out and getting into fights with the weird monkeys that inhabit the island, pissing Perona off and injuring himself further.

A few days later, Mihawk shows up to tell Zoro about the war, and this is probably the worst Zoro has ever felt. To think, while he was out here unable to defeat some stupid baboons, his captain was fighting in a war and losing his only brother in such a horrific way. Zoro is useless, useless, useless, and he’s so weak it hurts.

Then he gets the orders: stay where you are. You have two years. Get stronger. It’s painful, but it’s simple and it’s what needs to be done. It makes Zoro’s heart ache that he can’t be there to comfort his captain, but he quickly decides that he will spend these two years getting stronger so that he won’t miss this kind of situation again. Better yet, there won’t be one at all. After some begging, Mihawk agrees to take him in, and Zoro throws himself into his training. 

It is slightly reminiscent of his time at the dojo. At the time, Zoro’s need to become the strongest was so that he could carry on Kuina’s will and achieve their dream. But now, Zoro has people, a family , he wants to protect. The training is grueling and bloody and mind-numbing, and Zoro wouldn’t have it any other way. He loses sight of everything other than his goal and his crew, the two things he is doing everything for. Two years, and Zoro will be strong enough so that nothing has to happen to hurt the Straw Hats again.

----------

Zoro has to admit, being back with the crew after two years of separation is really, really nice. Two years apart was far too long. He had missed everyone, even that stupid cook, and he missed being on the ocean. He understands why they spent two years apart, and everyone is much stronger for it, but he is glad that those years are behind them.

Just making it off of Sabaody was an ordeal. Luffy manages to attract trouble everywhere he goes, though, so the crew is used to this. Zoro almost missed the nonstop action and the daily near-death experiences, but action is not the only part of a pirate’s life. Zoro loves just being on the Sunny, surrounded by his crew – his family – exchanging stories about their training over the past two years.

Zoro learns where everyone spent their two years: Luffy trained with Rayleigh, Chopper mastered all of his forms and learned a lot about medicine, Brook went on tour but still managed to strengthen his skills. Robin mentions something about staying with Luffy’s family in the Revolutionary Army, and it seems innocent enough except for the fact that Robin is wearing her “I know something you don’t” smile. It’s easily brushed off though, because Robin says she can’t share classified information. 

Zoro is not really one to give praise, but he does compliment Usopp for surviving two years on an island that was literally trying to eat him. Seriously, Usopp has developed a lot since Zoro last saw him, and he seems a lot more confident than the insecure liar they picked up in Syrup Village so long ago.

Everyone seems a lot more confident, actually. Robin is smiling much more, Chopper is so much more enthusiastic than he’s ever been, and the cook seems weirdly relaxed for once. Zoro hadn’t noticed it much in Sabaody, but the cook seems… different, somehow. He isn’t quite as pushy as he had been in the past, and his mere presence isn’t aggravating Zoro the way it used to. 

Zoro gets his explanation soon enough. Sanji is second to last to share his adventures from the last two years, and he takes a shaky breath before doing so. Robin, sitting next to Sanji, places one hand on his back and gives him an encouraging nod.

“I spent my two years on Momoiro Island.” Sanji starts. He is met with mostly blank stares, except from Nami, who raises her eyebrows. Sanji scans their reactions before he continues.

“So the island is home to a huge community of LGBT people, who wanted to create a place where they could exist without judgement. They’re led by Emporio Ivankov of the Revolutionary Army. I actually got to see Robin a few times over those years, because she visited the island on business once or twice. Ah, but that’s besides the point…”

Sanji trails off, still acting nervous. Luckily for him, Luffy interrupts. “I remember Iva-chan! He was so nice! Did he train you, Sanji?”

Sanji whips his head in Luffy’s direction so quickly that Zoro thinks it might fly off. “You think he was nice?”

“Yeah, he saved my life,” Luffy says matter-of-factly.

Sanji shakes his head. “That… doesn’t matter right now. Yes, he trained my cooking and my fighting abilities, but he also made me learn a lot more about myself. Like, that my views on the world and people in the LGBT community were really outdated. And… that I’m genderfluid.”

“Great for you, bro!” Franky congratulates, tears already forming in his eyes. “What does that mean, though?”

Sanji laughs, Franky’s antics lightening the mood for all of them. “I just don’t feel like a man all the time. Sometimes, I feel like a woman, or sometimes I feel like I’m somewhere in between. It changes all the time. Oh, and I use any pronouns now.”

Franky nods, and Usopp also nods along with one hand on his chin. “Right, I get it, but what are pronouns?” Usopp asks.

“It’s like he, she, they. You can use any of them to refer to me, just make sure to use all of them at different points. It’s not great if I’m hearing only ‘he’ all the time.”

Zoro can practically see the steam coming from Luffy’s ears as he processes this. Finally, Luffy speaks. “So, is it like, ‘this is Sanji, they are my cook, and they make the best food ever?’” he asks before looking between Sanji and Robin with an expectant look on his face. Robin giggles softly, and Sanji smiles.

“Yeah, just like that. Or ‘Sanji is my cook, she makes the best food ever.’ You can use any of them,” they assure their captain.

Luffy smiles wide and laughs. “Okay, I get it now! Thank you Sanji!”

After Luffy, everyone else offers thei support and congratulations. Nami, Robin, and Chopper each wrap Sanji up in a tight hug, while Brook and Usopp remind Sanji that he’s always a valued member of the crew. Franky continues crying because of how much strength it must have taken for Sanji to come out. 

Zoro… Zoro doesn’t really react. He nods at the cook when she looks his way, but Zoro doesn’t really know what to say. He’s confused, too, because he doesn’t really know what feeling like a man or woman is like, and he’s never even heard about that “somewhere in between” that Sanji was talking about earlier.

The rest of the crew moves on quickly. Zoro is the only one left who hasn’t shared his whereabouts, and he knows the crew will enjoy this. Not only was Zoro staying with and training under his greatest rival, but that ghost girl too. As expected, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper get a kick out of that. Zoro pushes his worries about Sanji’s coming out to the back of his mind and focuses on enjoying his time with his family before Luffy inevitably drags them into some mess again.

The descent to Sabaody takes forever; long enough for Sanji to prepare and serve dinner. It’s actually quite a meal, featuring each of the Straw Hats’ favorite dishes – meat on the bone, cheeseburgers, sandwiches, even rice balls for Zoro. It is great to be home, defending his food from Luffy’s sticky hands and dodging the peas that Usopp has been launching across the table. Dinners on the Sunny are no calm event, but Zoro loves it. He loves the chaos of it all.

Normally, Zoro is one of the first few out of the kitchen. He usually has something better to be doing like training, napping, or getting pulled into playing tag with Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper. But Zoro has questions, about Sanji’s whole gender thing, and he can’t just ask that in front of everyone. Hell, it’s embarrassing enough to ask the cook about it. 

Zoro sits at the table long after he’s finished his dinner, even after everyone has left. He watches as the cook cleans up and washes dishes, ignoring Zoro’s stare the whole time. She doesn’t even try to start a fight, which is unusual, because usually if Zoro stares for that long it’s like asking for a shoe to the face.

Finally, Sanji has apparently had enough. The dishes are washed, dried, and put away. There is nothing else to do in the kitchen, so they turn to Zoro, planting their hands on the island bar and leaning over.

“I’ll bite, is there a reason why you’re watching me, marimo?” He starts. It carries the usual tone of annoyance, but maybe a little more. “This ain’t about earlier, is it? Better not be, cause I will–”

Zoro interrupts by shaking his head. “It’s not… Well, it’s not what you’re thinking. I just. I don’t get it,” he mumbles, staring down at the table in front of him, one hand coming up to play with his earrings the way he does when he’s stressed. He can still feel Sanji staring at him, and he waves his hand, gesturing at nothing. “The, uh, the gender thing. I’m having trouble understanding it. I want to understand it.” He looks up, meeting Sanji’s eyes. Sanji sighs.

“Ok, well which part don’t you get? I don’t really know how else to explain it, other than what I said earlier. Sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes a woman, sometimes in between.” Sanji starts. He speaks slowly, as if he were explaining this to a baby or something. Slightly annoying, but Zoro doesn’t push it.

Zoro furrows his brow, frustrated about the explanation, because it doesn’t really explain anything . At least, not the way Zoro needs. “That’s the thing! What the hell does feeling like a man feel like?”

Sanji falls quiet. “The hell do you mean?” Zoro can hear the usual burning edge to her words, the fight he’s used to. He doesn’t want to make Sanji mad, goddamnit, he wants to understand! Sanji takes an angry hit of their cigarette, blowing smoke in Zoro’s direction. Zoro glares back.

“I mean, how do you know when you’re a man? Since you’re other things sometimes, how do you tell the difference?”

“What’s this about, marimo?”

“Just.. Just answer the question! My reason doesn’t matter!”

“Okay, just… give me a minute, okay? It’s a weird ass question, you caught me off guard.” Zoro nods and leans back on the bench, satisfied for now. Sanji sits down on one of the barstools, spinning slowly as they think.

“I mean, to start off, did you know all this gender thing is fake?” Sanji speaks up after a moment, stopping so he is facing Zoro. “One of my, uh, friends? Yeah, one of my friends back in Kamabakka told me that everything we know about gender is just gender roles. It’s what we tell each gender they’re supposed to do or feel, not what gender actually is. Like, some people think women are just supposed to cook and clean and be quiet while men are supposed to go off and make money for the family. The way my old geezer raised me, women are better than men, and we’re supposed to protect and serve them in any way we can. It’s really different from person to person.”

Sanji pauses to take another hit as she continues. “Let's see… To me, being a man still feels more like responsibility. But there's more, too. Masculinity is loud and brash, it’s like a jungle or like the sea during a storm. The way my legs heat up when I do Diable Jambe, that feels manly too. But it’s different from when I feel like a woman; that’s all light and airy and stuff. It’s like helping Nami-san take care of her tangerines, or laughing with my crew and getting compliments on my food. Femininity is like caring for people, while masculinity is taking responsibility. And then there’s some times when it’s more than that… when I feel charged up and everything is uncertain but it doesn’t need to make sense. It’s like the early mornings when I’m the only one awake, or the moment before lightning strikes.” Sanji pauses, smiling, clearly patting themself on the back. “Eh, I’ve never had to think about how to describe it all before. I think Iva-san would be proud. That help at all, marimo?”

Zoro sits silent for a while, trying to take it all in. He’s never felt like… like a forest, or a storm, or like his legs are heating up. He had taken responsibility for things plenty of times, but it wasn’t related to his gender or anything, it was just what he had to do. There’s one thing that definitely stands out about Sanji’s descriptions, though.

“So, being a man, it doesn’t ever feel like you’re just performing it? It’s not like a job?” 

Sanji just… blinks at Zoro, then they stand up and start moving around the kitchen again. He pulls down a mug and starts brewing some tea. Zoro isn’t a big tea person, but he still understands the gesture.

“No, it doesn’t feel like a job.” Sanji finally says after filling the kettle and placing it on the stove. “It used to, though. Before I discovered all of this, and the possibility that I could just not be a man. You feel like it is?”

Zoro ignores Sanji’s gaze, suddenly very interested in the top of the dinner table. He knows Sanji understands, though, as she continues to talk. “I won’t press you, cause god knows I hated it when Iva-san did that to me. But just think about it, okay? There’s a lot out there, and the crew won’t care, you saw them today.” Sanji pauses to place the mug of tea in front of Zoro. “I won’t tell anyone either. But don’t start expecting me to be nice to you or anything! We’re still enemies!” 

Zoro grins. He knows that he and Sanji aren’t really enemies, they haven’t been in a long time. Sanji learning to accept themself had helped the both of them a lot, and they’re closer to friends at this point. Sanji knows it too, but they have reputations to keep! Still, it’s pretty nice. Sanji doesn’t treat Zoro like it’s anything weird or shameful, he just understands and explains and lets it be. She nods at Zoro, straightening up to leave the kitchen. “Oh, and you’re washing your own mug! Don’t get lost on the way to the cabinets, marimo!” she adds as an afterthought, ducking out of the doorway before Zoro can send him a glare. 

----------

 Zoro stands outside the door to Robin’s library, mug of tea in hand, for about ten minutes, just trying to work up the courage to enter. He feels so stupid, being scared to ask his crewmate to borrow a book. While talking with Sanji had helped, just a little, Zoro still has a lot of questions.

He is staring into his mug weighing his options and thinking that he might just come back tomorrow when Robin opens the door. She seems surprised to see him, almost dropping the book in her hands. As usual, she recovers gracefully, donning her usual closed-eye smile.

“My, it’s certainly rare to see you here, Swordsman-san. Is there something I can help you with?” she greets, holding the door open and beckoning Zoro inside.

“Uh, yeah, but if you were leaving–” Zoro tries to deflect. I’m not ready for this, he thinks. He hasn’t felt so uncertain in a long time.

“Oh, I insist!” Robin asserts. “It’s no trouble at all. What can I help you with?”

Zoro looks up at her, at her kind eyes and non-judgemental smile. He knows that Sanji was right last night when they told him that the crew wouldn’t mind if Zoro ended up not being a man. He knows that Robin, especially, wouldn’t mind. He recalls a day from two years ago, when Luffy had suddenly found interest in the book Robin was reading and she had confessed she was transgender as well. That moment had felt so inconsequential back then; it was just another instance of Zoro’s captain and crew bonding. But today, it feels like a lifeline.

Zoro takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Yeah, actually, I was looking for a book. I don’t know the name though.”

“That’s no problem at all. Do you know what kind of book it is?” Robin asks. 

Zoro scratches at the back of his head. “Uh, yeah. Do you remember that book you and Luffy were reading a couple years ago? He just wanted to look at the pictures, though, I think.”

Robin brings one hand up to hide her lips as she takes a tiny gasp. “Yes, I know exactly which book you’re talking about. Let me go pull it down for you.” Robin pats Zoro’s shoulders as she walks away, gesturing at the benches that surround the library. “You can take a seat, if you want. I can leave you alone, too. I’ll just continue my own reading.”

Zoro sits and nods, feeling a little overwhelmed. He hadn’t planned on telling Robin why he was here, exactly, but Robin knows everything anyways and he does find her company to be very comforting. Robin is something like what Zoro imagines an older sister might be like.

“I, uh. I think I would like that, but…” Zoro is unsure of what he’s asking, letting his voice drop out as he continues thinking.

“I’ll stay down here the whole time, if that’s what you want. And you can always ask for help.” Robin pats Zoro’s shoulder again as she passes him the book. “I’m just across the room, okay?”

Zoro is grateful, so grateful for Robin’s easy going nature. He shudders a bit as he opens the book, looking for the chapter on gender identities.

The first thing Zoro notices is just how many there are. There’s like, a thousand, each one with a different name and flag and description. It’s a lot for him to take in at once.

Breathe, Zoro, something in the back of his mind tells him. Just go through it one at a time. Zoro sighs. He already knows he isn’t trans the way that Luffy and Robin are, and he’s pretty sure he’s not genderfluid the way the cook is either. That narrows down his search, at least a little.

As Zoro flips through the pages, he just finds himself feeling more and more lost and frustrated. All these terms are swimming around in his head. And to make matters worse, a lot of them seem to rely on what a person is already feeling. Zoro… Zoro doesn’t actually know what he’s feeling. He’s had this vague notion that he wasn’t quite a man for a long time, but he’s also been acting as one for long enough that it still feels like part of him. He’s getting tempted to just slam the book closed and call it a night, but he really doesn’t want to find out what happens if he mistreats Robin’s books. He has a feeling it won’t be pretty.

“Are you doing alright over there, Swordsman-san?” Robin calls, momentarily stirring Zoro from his thoughts. She has worry written all over her face. “You seem a bit frustrated.”

“I am, but I’m okay.” Zoro reassures her as he continues reading. Then, he hits upon the definition.

Agender , the book reads. A person who feels a lack of a gender identity, or does not feel a strong relation to any gender identity. An absence of gender.

There is a second paragraph below, from an agender person describing how they feel about their own identity. It was really hard for me to figure out for a long time, the author starts , because I just didn’t want to face it. I was comfortable enough living with my own assigned gender. But whenever I think of myself and the words I would use to describe myself, my gender isn’t one of them. I was raised one way, sure, but that is as far as the connection goes. I don’t feel like a man or a woman, I just feel like me.

Zoro chokes on his breath. He studies the image of the flag next to it, and another memory from two years ago pops up in his head. “This flag looks like Zoro,” Luffy had said, and Robin agreed because of the colors. The agender flag has green, white, and black stripes. This is the flag that matched him two years ago, and now with the definition…

Zoro breathes in quickly. His heart is racing, hammering against his ribcage like a drum. He thinks back to what Sanji told him earlier, about sometimes feeling like more than a man or a woman. Zoro hadn’t understood it then, still doesn’t really grasp it. But he knows that he doesn’t feel what Sanji was describing. But if nothing is an option…

When Zoro tries to think about his gender identity, it is just his role as a man. He does what men do because that’s how he was raised, that’s what everyone told him to be. That’s his only connection to it. If he thinks any further than that… there’s nothing. He’s always just felt like Zoro , not Zoro the man or Zoro the woman or Zoro the anything else. Just Zoro, nothing more.

Agender. It certainly seems to fit.

And that thought is so world-changing, so scary, so new that Zoro doesn’t know how to handle it. Consequences be damned, he shuts the book quickly and tosses it onto the table, rushing out of the library. Robin stands up and calls after him, but Zoro just ignores her. All he wants to do is run, run away to when things were simpler, when he didn’t have to think about being different. He hurries into the boy’s room and huddles in his bunk, ignoring his crew for the rest of the night.

----------

Fishman Island is a disaster, of course, complete with princesses, some of Arlong’s disciples, and some very valuable revelations about the Poneglyphs for Robin. Zoro does his best to turn his brain off and focus on drinking the castle dry, eating delicious food prepared by the royal staff, and fighting. He ignores the whole gender issue. It wasn’t important for the first twenty-one years of Zoro’s life, so it can’t be that important now.

Sure, the realization that Zoro didn’t have to be a man was a weight off his shoulders. He didn’t have to “perform” if he wasn’t a man. But Zoro had almost gotten comfortable in the performance. He pretty much knew how to be a man. Why try to change things if they were working out already?

It becomes much harder to ignore after they resurface. Out on the open ocean, Zoro can’t rely on enemies to take his frustrations out on. He has to actually face this himself.

He’s especially irritable that day, mostly hiding in the bunk room and trying to nap. Zoro is usually very good at napping, but he can’t seem to calm his mind. No matter how much he tries to avoid thinking about it, the question of Zoro’s gender identity never leaves his mind.

He spots Robin and Sanji having a hushed discussion in the kitchen that afternoon. He just wanted a beer, because maybe the alcohol could push his thoughts back, but as soon as he enters the kitchen Robin and Sanji jump apart. Zoro doesn’t hear any of their discussion, but he has a pretty good idea what it might be about.

Luffy is the one to finally approach Zoro. He does it at night, when most of the crew has already gone to bed, except for Brook keeping watch in the crow’s nest. Zoro is leaning over the rail, flicking bottle caps over Sunny’s edge so he can watch them hit the water far below.

Luffy doesn’t say anything at first, just slowly walks up to Zoro and stands next to him. Zoro knows Luffy is watching him, analyzing him in that weird way he does. Luffy somehow knows things about people that they don’t yet know about themselves just from watching them, and usually Zoro really admires that, but he doesn’t want that knowing gaze turned on him. Especially not now.

But at the same time, it’s Luffy. Luffy who would never even dream of doing anything that might hurt his crew. Luffy, who sees the best in people, who has never judged his friends. Not when Nami claimed she was one of Arlong’s pirates, not when Robin was framed for shooting Iceburg, not when Usopp almost let his insecurities separate him from the crew. Luffy had nothing bad to say to Robin or Sanji when they came out, and he wouldn’t have anything bad to say to Zoro, either.

Zoro throws the last of his bottle caps overboard. There’s no way to avoid this. He sighs and sits down, back against the railing, and Luffy follows him down.

“What’s up, Zoro? Has something been on your mind?” Luffy starts.

“Luffy, how did you know you were a boy?” Zoro deflects. It doesn’t begin to address Zoro’s own issues, but he just needs to ease in for now.

Luffy looks a little surprised, but doesn’t push Zoro. “I actually always thought I was a boy. I didn’t know that my body was different to the other boys I knew, and I didn’t understand why people treated me differently when they met me. Everyone in the village called me a tomboy, so I thought I was a boy.” Luffy’s face softens for a moment, and he lets out a small laugh. “I really surprised Dadan and Ace the first time she tried to give us a bath. But when I told them I was a boy just like Ace, they didn’t push it, and they let me grow up as a boy.” Luffy trails off a little, but nods when he finishes his thought. He looks at Zoro again, and Zoro swears those eyes are seeing right through him. “Are you… questioning? Do you think you might not be a boy?” He asks, cutting straight through the bullshit and right to the core of Zoro’s problem.

All Zoro can do is nod weakly and stare at the floor. “I asked Sanji for help and she helped me a little, and I asked Robin to look at her books but it all just made me more frustrated. I don’t want to face myself, right now. It all just feels wrong.” Zoro’s face feels hot, he isn’t used to this kind of heart-to-heart and he’s starting to feel really embarrassed and–

Luffy reaches out, crossing the divide between them, and places his hand on Zoro’s. “You’re still the same Zoro you were before, right? Nothing’s gonna change, we’re just gonna see you as you.”

Zoro lifts his head up and stares at Luffy. He knows his jaw is hanging open, and he can’t bring himself to close it. Still the same Zoro… how does Luffy always know just the right thing to say?

“Do you want me to go get Robin’s book? We can look at it again, maybe I can help–”

Zoro shakes his head and smiles at Luffy. “No, it’s okay. I think I know which one I am. I was scared, though, about what it might change. I don’t want to change.”

Luffy laughs. “Nothing is going to change, Zoro. Well, hopefully you feel happier, cause you get to be who you really are. But that’s not scary, that’s a good thing!” Luffy’s eyes are bright and his hand is warm on Zoro’s.

“Yeah… happier, huh.” Zoro breathes out. He never really thought about what comes after his realization, but happiness… well that always sounds nice. Under the moonlight, with Luffy holding his hand and watching over him, Zoro is a little less scared to face himself and the truth that he has probably known this whole time.

“Well, Captain…” Zoro stops himself, clears his throat, and starts again. Right now, this is a conversation between friends, not captain and crew. “Well, Luffy… I’m not a boy. I’m agender.”

Luffy is on him in a second, wrapping him in a tight hug and threatening to knock them both overboard. Luffy is laughing and so is Zoro as they rearrange themselves to sit side-by-side, now looking out over the water.

“I’m proud of you, Zoro.” Luffy whispers, and Zoro feels warm in spite of himself. “So, do you know what this means from now on? Are you gonna change how we refer to you, like Sanji did?”

Zoro stills. He has been so caught up in denying everything, he never thought about what comes next. Slowly, he shakes his head. “I… I haven’t thought about it yet.”

“That’s okay! You can think about it now.” Luffy swings his legs over the side of the ship and leans into Zoro’s side. “Are you feeling better now? Do you wanna tell everyone soon?”

Zoro ponders it for a minute. He is feeling better, a lot better than when Luffy had found him. He knows the crew will be accepting, just like they were for Luffy and Robin and Sanji. If telling everyone can finally get this weight off of Zoro’s chest, he’s ready. He leans into Luffy, feeling the rough texture of the straw hat tickle his cheek. “Yeah, I think I’ll be ready soon. Thank you, Luffy.”

“It’s no problem, Zoro.”

Even after his talk with Luffy, the idea of coming out is still terrifying. Normally, the words “Zoro” and “scared” don’t even go in the same sentence. But there is something so much more real, more personal, about this. Zoro’s gender isn’t some enemy he can cut up. It’s him. And he’s trying to adjust to this new view of himself.

He talks to Robin first. He thanks her for letting him use her book, and apologizes for slamming it shut. He tells her how he knew that the term agender fit him, but that it freaked him out, and he tells her about his talk with Luffy. Robin is a patient listener, and she tells Zoro that she doesn’t blame him. “I figured that you saw something that fit you. I also had a hard time accepting myself. It’s normal to be unsure and afraid, but thank you for telling me.” She reassures.

His talk with Sanji isn’t as calm or patient, but it gets the job done. He thanks Sanji for helping him figure things out, using as few words as he can. Sanji teases back, but nothing she says is hurtful. They just acknowledge that Zoro feels differently, but there’s nothing to say about it, really. Zoro appreciates that sort of understanding.

Nami tells the crew that their next island is about three days away, provided that nothing gets in their way. Slim chance of nothing getting in their way, but Zoro is thankful to know. He spends three days getting comfortable. He tries out different pronouns in secret with Robin, Luffy, and Sanji, and he is pleased to realize that being referred to as “they” doesn’t feel as weird as he thought it would. 

Zoro finally tells the crew over dinner on the third day. Sanji made rice bowls; a giant pot of rice and three different kinds of meat as well as tons of veggies for the crew to choose from. Zoro loves rice bowls almost as much as rice balls, but he’s sure he never told Sanji that. Sanji doesn’t mention it, so Zoro doesn’t either.

Zoro had already told Luffy and Robin he was going to do it tonight, so they are sitting on either side of him. Luffy is playing with Zoro’s free hand under the table, waiting for Zoro’s signal to call attention to him.

Zoro nods at Luffy, signaling that he’s ready. Well, he’s not, but it’s now or never. Time to take the leap.

Luffy sets his silverware down and addresses the rest of the table. “Hey, everyone, Zoro has something to say. He’s nervous, so be nice.” The last sentence is teasing, and everyone knows it. They aren’t going to be mean to Zoro, and considering how similar his nervous energy was to Sanji’s just a few weeks ago, they have an inkling of what Zoro might need to tell them.

“I don’t know how to start this,” Zoro admits. Luffy takes off his hat and plops it down on Zoro’s head, and the gesture is so meaningful , it gives Zoro the push he needs. Zoro forges on ahead.

“Ok, uh, I guess it starts with the cook. A few days ago, when they came out, it uh… it kinda impacted me a lot too. I didn’t actually know that there was anything other than just man and woman, so it made me question a lot of things.” Sanji’s face looks weird; it’s red like she’s embarrassed but there’s a hint of… happiness? somewhere in there. Robin rubs Zoro’s back to encourage him.

“Well, once I knew I wasn’t just limited to being a man, it made a lot of things from my past make sense. I’ve never exactly felt like a man, I just did it because I thought it’s what I had to do. So what I’m saying is I’m not a man, I’m not really anything, in fact. I’m agender. No gender, just me.”

Luffy is smiling next to him and Robin and Chopper are both wrapping him in a hug. Nami teases Zoro about how emotional he’s become, but she’s proud of him too. So is everyone else. It’s a lot… but it’s still nice. Sanji just nods approvingly, and it reminds Zoro of how he reacted to Sanji’s coming out.

Before anyone else can ask Zoro, he speaks up again. “Oh, and for the pronoun thing. It’s he/they. Kinda like the cook’s, but no she.” Everyone nods and accepts it.

Zoro really, really loves their crew. They never thought they would reach this level of happiness, of acceptance. He supposes he should have known when Luffy accepted his dream without any argument, accepted everyone’s dreams no matter how crazy they were. Once Luffy declares someone as nakama , he is never letting go, and Zoro is so grateful that he chose to follow someone like that. They couldn’t dream of a life that was any different.

Zoro is feeling a bit awkward, so he’s glad when other conversations pick back up and dinner resumes. Usopp asks Zoro if this means they’re gonna be the world’s greatest swords person , and Zoro says that’s stupid, and the table fills with laughter. The night is still young and Zoro is surrounded by people they love and nothing has ever felt better.

[riverssongs13]

It's been a few hours since I had to witness Harrowhark lose the love of her life.. I didn't even notice I fell asleep from all the crying. Cliché, I know, but in my defence, I haven't been reading for quite a few years. One could say I dove straight to the deep end. I have you to thank for that, and I say that with so much spite.

But anyway. Know what, I don't even know what to write, really. I've been holding on to what you said, "going back" to those words when I finally finish the book, and finish the book I did. I tried to capture the moment when my heart got pulverised into the white stuff they all spoke of in the book but it felt too... Shallow. Performative. I tried to speak of the feelings that washed over me for the last few chapters but I found myself incapable of saying anything but Fuck. And Fuck is the only apt word in this instance.

Seriously, why am I writing all these? Streams of consciousness? Incessant yapping? For what? To what end? I really don't know. Maybe because I feel so utterly, utterly lonely and there isn't really anybody I could speak with about these things. The other D is no longer in my life and I don't even know if TLT is a book series she'd even care for. She's quite elitist and snobbish when it comes to books, you know. Typical English major/professor (fight me). But I'm going off tangent again. My gods, it's annoying how I NEVER speak but when I do start I never STOP. No wonder that Willow kid is so starstruck. I'm always game with all her queries and now she thinks I'm the best thing to ever happen to her online. Gods damn, M. Stop yapping.

I guess I just. I don't know. Poor Harrowhark. I could talk about the cerebral, intellectual things that are really great about the book, how its written, how the characters are written phenomenally... But I honestly don't have the brain cells willing to do that right now. If I talk about the technical aspects of the book it will feel like I didn't actually appreciate it enough to FEEL about it. It will feel like an insult. It will feel like Gideon threw herself to those iron spikes for nothing. Because after all, isn't the purpose of art to feel?

And feel I am doing, right at this very moment. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm upset (like, upset isn't even enough). There's so many feelings and the anger is catching up with me and it's making me feel silly for all the little words and my brain is telling me to delete all the yapping I've typed because who the fuck cares? Why should YOU care? I honestly have no answer to that. But I hope you do. Pathetic, right? Eh, I'm used to it. Raise a child to never have friends as a kid and when they grow up, they'd cling on to whatever looks at them with a second glance and worship the very air they breathe and kiss the very ground they tread their feet on. And I honestly do worship you. After all, you are more than Eru Iluvatar, and you have gifted me with your presence.

But worshipping you right now isn't exactly making the hurt go away. It just amplifies everything. Harrow's words have been playing in my mind over and over again and how Gideon ended has been on repeat in my brain it's making me nauseous. And Palamedes... Oh that sweet, gentle man. The very rare times I appreciate and love a male character and they just. Go. Thousands and thousands of words to make you fall in love with these people and they get taken away in the end. So what does it matter then? What's the point of love if it ends anyway? What's the point of all this?

I don't know. I really don't. Maybe there isn't any point. Maybe at the end of the day, you were just sent by the gods to make me fall in love with literature again, the way I was tossed into books when I was a kid. Merely an afterthought. Something to preoccupy a child wholly neglected by the society who was supposed to raise them. Something to obsess about, fall in love with, and be left by at the end of the day. Ha! As if. I'm not even worthy of a footnote in the story of you, yet here I am delusional about being left behind. What a waste of space. Seriously I should just end my entire existence silently and not bother the weird, beautiful person with the huge blue eyes reflecting the light of the Two Trees of Valinor.

I should really stop. Yeah, I should. Besides, what's the point of all this yapping? You'll never get to read all these words anyway! Hahahaha the things we get to say when we're screaming in the voids of our own existence.

I shall be getting the next book, Harrow the Ninth. I hope this one destroys me even worse. Wreck me like I'm the worst person to have ever stained this planet. Make me feel like my heart deserves to be shredded into flimsy ribbons like the pathetic garbage that I am.

Lady Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverend Daughter of the House of the Ninth, I see you. I am coming.

[papermint-airplane]

Eleanor: Whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean 'who is Aiden'?! He's the Bachelor! You know, the whole reason we're competing in the first place?!

Angela: Surely you can't be serious!

Rose: I am serious! 🤭 And don't call me--

Viridia: IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE, I WILL END YOU MYSELF.

Eleanor: Gaaaaaaah, I hate you people.

Angela: Then I guess I need you to explain a lot more than the murder attempt because if you aren't competing for Aiden's heart -- the alleged premise of the show -- what are you competing for?

Rose: I. keep. TELLING YOU! I want to WIN! 😠

Angela: Yes, but win what?!

Rose: Uggggh, you're so dense, it physically hurts. 😩

Viridia: STOP TALKING IN CIRCLES AND JUST EXPLAIN SOMETHING FOR ONCE!

Rose: Haven't you ever heard the expression 'winning isn't everything, it's the only thing'? 🙄

Angela: Yeah, I've heard toxic Little League coaches say that to crying seven year olds. And?

Rose: Seriously?! It's the principle I've based my entire life on! It's my mantra! My raison d'être! 👿

Viridia: WATCH OUT, SHE'S GOING FRENCH AGAIN.

Angel: So the whole reason you snuck back into the house, disguised yourself as a mime, sloppily painted your blue stripes purple, tried to kill Angela, and potentially scarred Aiden for life was...because of an expression everyone uses ironically?

Rose: It's not ironic to me, dammit! It's my sole purpose in life! Everyone knows that, even the Watcher! And she...she used it against me. 😓 She promised me that if I made the competition interesting for her, she'd let me back into the house.

Eleanor: Wait. What?! Say that again.

Rose: When I broke into her control room, she made me an offer: I'd get to come back and compete again as long as I did something to shake up the status quo. She was getting bored of you idiots. 🥱

Angel: I-I can't believe this.

Bailey: I know what you mean...

Angel: One of us got to meet the Watcher in person and it wasn't me.

Rose: Look, Angel, if it makes you feel any better, she's not what you think. She's...crazy. 😦

Bailey: High praise coming from you.

Rose: And not only that, she seriously doesn't know how 'Earth reality shows' as she calls them work because holy shit, this whole thing has been one clusterfuck from the beginning. 🙄 She says it's a Bachelor-type dating show but she's run the whole thing like a survival show with the challenges and eliminations. I mean half of us haven't even met this Arwin-or-whatever, let alone been on a date with him. What sense does that make?! 😵

Aiden: It's Aiden. I'm Aiden!

Eleanor: You're right. I thought this whole thing was shoddily arranged but I've never seen any reality dating shows. For all I knew, this is how they're supposed to be.

Rose: Well I've seen hundreds of them, and believe me, this is not how they're supposed to be. Arlo is supposed to spend time with all of us one-on-one, not be shoved into a pod by himself ninety percent of the time. 😣 I don't know how they do shows like this back on her planet but it's not how we do it on Earth. 👽

Eleanor: On...her...planet? The Watcher is an alien?

Rose: Well duh. 😑 You couldn't tell? Why do you think she abducted us all at the casting call? She had to get us on more familiar turf.

Angel: That doesn't make any sense. The Watcher can't be an alien. She's an eternal extra-dimensional being of pure benevolence.

Viridia: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR RELIGION, ALREADY?! CLEARLY SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING ON.

Eleanor: I knew it, we really are in the Lunar Lakes moon settlement. I could tell from the trees. But...why are we the only Sims here?

Rose: I don't know and I don't care. 🤨

Wow. You really exposed me to everyone, huh, Rose?

Rose: You exposed yourself! You should have just let me win from the jump and I wouldn't have had to tell everyone what I knew. 😖

I guess it really is a good thing I didn't tell you the whole plan, then, huh? Otherwise you'd have run your mouth to Aiden.

Rose: Yeah yeah, Argyle or whoever-the-fuck. Well, I held up my end of the bargain. You're going to call this whole thing off and just announce me the winner, riiiiight? 🤤

Why would I do that?

Rose: Because...I made things interesting for you, like we agreed on. 😕

Then why am I still bored?

Rose: I-- 😶

You haven't won anything, Rose. You're still the same loser you were when you walked into this place on the first day. And that's all you'll ever be.

Rose: ...

Nothing to say to that?

Rose: I am going to kick. your. ass. 😡

[Beginning] [Previous] [Next]

[ask-a-bot]

Prime. I promised Starscream I would have a word with you, and I have full intention of honoring that promise. Be grateful that I am currently ill, and couldn’t muster up an entire lecture because my head feels like someone has shoved a knife into it, and I subsequently don’t have the energy.

Also, I feel like the Bucket guy and their Seeker siblings beat me to it.

First order of business:

Could this situation really not have been approached differently? Preferably in a way that didn’t risk triggering a Panic Attack in Starscream? He’s incredibly emotionally attached to that spider and was already in a state of extreme distress. If it had been me in that position, I wouldn’t have been able to breathe due to the panic.

Also: do not take the spider away from him. I understand why you feel like it might be necessary, but the long term affects on Star’s mental health would be negative. I know for a fact I never recovered when it happened to me.

Lastly:

No. That just sounds unhealthy to me.

I understand your perspective, and I understand you were in a difficult position. But my priority is Starscream. I’m not expecting any grand gestures, or long winded apologies. Just… just go sit in the corner. If the kids have to sit there when they f☆ck up, so do you.

Alright. I’ve said my piece. I’m going to go nurse my damn headache now, hopefully I’ll never have to do this again.

Cullen out 💤

Cullen.

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering.

I admit that I didn't handle that well, but if you'd seen the state Megatron was in at the time, you might appreciate why I... why my judgement was somewhat impaired.

Looking again at Starscream's repeated pleas for his pet's life hurts my spark. He's never even begged for his own life like that. I did apologise to him – profusely – once we were alone in his room. I explained to him that I won't harm Rust and that Megatron just needed to believe the house was a giant spider-free zone.

I want to make it up to him but I don't know how just yet. Maybe I could take him out to get Rust a better enclosure or some other present.

Rest assured, Rust isn't going anywhere.

Megatron has warned Starscream that he can't control his fear and that, now it's been severely triggered, he is likely to kill Rust if he sees him. Starscream understands and will keep him safely hidden away. Megatron is gonna stay away from Star's room. That should solve everything, providing Rust doesn't get loose (I hope he doesn't).

Look, how am I supposed to react to stuff like that? Do you have any idea what "eat my skidplate" means? The gesture that went with it made me see red. I apologise, but you might understand if you knew what he was saying to me and if you saw what he did as he said it. Made me feel sick to the fuel tanks!

You... you want me to go sit in the corner? Do you really think that's necessary? Well... OK. But only if you'll have a little talk with Starscream about the stuff he gets up to, because... he could get himself seriously hurt if he tries that with the wrong guy – and I'm not talking the violence I implied in my response.

Truly, I hope you feel better soon. I suspect you wanted an apology and not for me to try to explain myself.

Seriously, I do apologise. I will try not to react to Starscream's... behaviour issues. But there are things that get under my plating and he's good at finding them in people.

OK. Well. I think I've said plenty. I'll go sit in the corner for ten minutes. That's twice the longest time I've made Star sit there.

[patibato]

[Bitter Sweet Sixteen] 002-A16 - Scissor Words

Kiroku: … …

Egg: …

Kiroku: …L…legs.

Egg: ……

Kiroku: …Ah!

*shlap shlap shlap*

Kiroku: W-wait…!

Momiji: (It's about time for us to meet. …I wonder if Kiroku-kun had fun.)

Hm?

Woah, what's this piece? An egg yokai that's sprouted legs? Decorating the entrance with this is so creepy-cute!

I've gotta take a photo. Camera, camera…

*click*

Kiroku: Haa, haa… …!

Momiji: Wah!

Kiroku: -…!

Momiji: You surprised me…! What are you in a rush for, Kiroku-kun?

Kiroku: …

… …!

Momiji: (He's agitatedly looking behind me…?)

Kiroku: Ah, wha… ah…! (Don't look over there…!)

Momiji: Huh? What is it?

Egg: …

*shlap shlap shlap*

Kiroku: -…!

*footsteps*

Momiji: …He left.

Huh!? The egg piece disappeared…!

Kiroku: Haa… haa… haa…!

(…I've lost it, what do I do…)

(I'll contact everyone on the app…)

*bwing*

Dewawa: You seriously gonna tell 'em? Say the egg that's so important to them all ran away~?

Kiroku: …

Dewawa: They gonna be shocked? Your lantern art hasn't progressed either, yeah?

Pinfu: Yeah~ Might think you're so~ shameful~

Kiroku: ……

Rouzel: That's not it! It'd be best to joindre them! Tout le monde is surely worried!

Ripris: S'fine… either way… contacting and chasing… are both a pain… zzz.

KB: Nay, I believe getting in contact to be the optimal solution - what say you, Kiroku?

Kiroku: …

…I…… won't contact them.

Akuta: This olive somen is SOOO GOOOOOOD! I could munch on it forever! Infinite munching!

Muneuji: The fried somen from the other day was excellent, but this too is wonderful.

*door opens*

Nanaki: Is Chief here?

Akuta: Ooh, not riiight now.

Muneuji: I'm fairly certain they went out with Kinugawa.

Nanaki: Ah. I'll leave it for later then.

Akuta: Anyway, you doing good, Nanaki? You're all smiley. Something happen?

Nanaki: Nah, though I did manage to make a song with a BPM to match the encore fireworks.

Since it's done, I kinda want to show it to Chief.

Akuta: Eh!? You can make music and stuff!?

Nanaki: Well. Yeah.

Akuta: For real~~~~!? I've tried making songs before, but it was impossible, y'know~~~~!

First of all, I can't read sheet music. Can't see the notes as anything other than dancing tadpoles.

I really respect guys who can do it~! In other words, I really respect YOU, Nanaki~~~!

Nanaki: You're exaggerating.

Akuta: This is no time to be modest! I wanna make a song someday too, so help me out!

Nanaki: If I feel like it.

Akuta: Yippee! I'll work out a strategy to make you feel like it~~~!

Muneuji: …Incidentally.

The one on egg duty yesterday was Kinugawa. Yet despite the date change, he's yet to show himself today.

That is to say, he's still in possession of the egg.

Nanaki: Now that you mention it, you're right.

Muneuji: He hasn't been online, either… I'm a tad concerned.

Nanaki: Think he's in trouble?

Akuta: Nah, I'm sure he's fine. That guy's huge! Gotta be strong too!

Muneuji: No… …he may have been abducted by aliens.

Nanaki: I-I wonder about that.

Muneuji: I suppose there's no problem, as he should be with Chief, but just to be sure, I shall scout around outside.

Nanaki: No no, I think you're a bit too concerned about that. Calm down.

Muneuji: It'll be too late by the time he gets taken…!

*running*

Akuta: What?

Kiroku: … Finally… found it.

(But, the crows scared it, and now it's clinging to a tree branch…)

Egg: ……

Kiroku: …Can you not… get down?

Egg: …

Kiroku: (I'll hold out my shirt to make a trampoline.)

…Here.

Egg: …!

*rustle*

Kiroku: … Thank goodness.

Egg: …!

Kiroku: (… Cute… I need to take it to the others quickly…)

(But.)

(Where am I… everything's dark. I'll consult those kids… ah.)

My puppets are… gone…

(No, before I search for them, I need to hand the egg over to the next person…)

(There's a lot of notifications on the walkie-talkie app… I'll contact every… no, but.)

---

Dewawa: They gonna be shocked? Your lantern art hasn't progressed either, yeah?

Pinfu: Yeah~ Might think you're so~ shameful~

---

Kiroku: (It really is no good… I've gotta do something myself. I need to take the egg back quickly…!)

(But, I can't just leave those kids… Not somewhere I may never come back to…)

(We've always been together… They're-)

*car pulls up*

Kiroku: Ah…

Momiji: Kiroku-kun! Thank goodness…!

Sakujiro: So this is where you were.

Momiji: We had the GPS, but I was worrying about what suddenly happened!

Kiroku: I… I'm… sorry…

Momiji: No, as long as you're alright. But don't run around so much that you get lost, okay?

And… here.

Kiroku: …Ah…!

Momiji: They'd fallen by the side of the road. They're yours, right?

Kiroku: …Yeah… they're my… friends…

Momiji: I thought so. Try not to drop them next time, yeah?

Alright, let's head back to the inn!

Kiroku: ……

Momiji: …

(Kiroku-kun's been making an awkward face this whole time… Like he wants to say something, but can't.)

(Kiroku-kun's a lot more taciturn than others, but that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested in those around him.)

(Rather, it looks like it makes him more attentive to his surroundings than most. That's why-)

(If I could do something to console his heart…)

I know. Kiroku-kun, how about we use PeChat?

Kiroku: Eh…?

Momiji: Using words is difficult, but maybe you can spell it out. Let's give it a go.

Kiroku: …

Momiji: Don't worry about what happened today

I know you're truly a considerate person

Kiroku: Sorry for bothering you so much

Momiji: It's fine, I understand you've always got a lot on your mind

Kiroku: ……

…This might.

…Take a bit… to type…

Momiji: Got it. I'll wait.

*blip*

Kiroku: I'll tell you. Why I'm like this. Why I became bad at talking

I accidentally hurt a friend of mine with my words when I was in elementary school. Even though they were such a precious friend

I thought a lot after that. And decided it'd be best if I didn't use words

So I became bad at getting words out

I've not made any progress on the lantern art either, I'm sorry

Even though I can draw properly when nobody else knows. I feel that expressing myself may hurt someone. And it might come back around to hurt me

So I got scared. Sorry

Momiji: No need to apologise. It's incredibly brave of you to express that

There will be times you can't get your thoughts across and end up hurting something

But if you ask me, it's really important to communicate, even if there are times you clash and fight with each other

Face it with courage, and if you're wrong, you can take it back. It's fine to try your best until you can get yourself across properly

That way, won't you be able to build up your relationship with someone?

Words and art are the same. As long as you fear expressing yourself, you'll never understand each other

If you can face them with courage, I'm sure they'll accept you

Kiroku: …

(I'll… start up the walkie-talkie app.)

*beep*

Akuta: "Aah aah, testing the mic now. Is that Kiroku-san? Hey there."

Kiroku: -…! He-hello… Hey… there.

Akuta: "Finally connected! Muneuji was real worried about you, flew right out of the inn. Copy."

Kiroku: …Co …

Akuta: "Anyway anyway, how ya doin'? Still on earth?"

Kiroku: I… …I'm on my way back… …copy.

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