#Samsa is great and a lot of fun

[misanthropiczombie]

Just like every other music genre, there is SO MUCH variety in rap music.

Stuff that's softer, stuff that's harder, stuff that's melodic, witty, wry, clever, heartbreaking, inspiring. Indie people making fantastic music.

It's such an expansive and expressive art form. You won't like everything, nobody does, but you can probably find some songs or artists that really resonate with you.

Okay now that you guys have liked Lil Nas X, Megan thee Stallion, Kendrick Lamar AND Doechii. Surely you can listen to rap now. Surely you see the merits of the genre. Surely.

[blankfairy]

Since you’ve provided so many lovely pairings for me to consider, I present some for you as well:

Finn + or / Kaleb

Samsa + or / Gawen (let’s pretend they’re around the same age lol)

Trystane + or / Therese

Alyx + or / Kaleb

(Yes I’m just throwing Kaleb at everyone bc I think it’s fun lol)

you SPOILED me!! these were all so fun to think about! i'm so sorry in advance that none of these assholes are very nice or personable 😭 they got long so i'm putting them under a cut!!

finn /+ kaleb first thing i read about him when i was researching was that he was restless and rebellious and a horrible annoyance to his father … and if that ain't finn, too, omg. unfortunately that would not work in their favor for getting along, lol.

betrothal or otherwise, i'm afraid they would NOT do well. nevermind the fact finn would be a horrible match for kaleb — the flints of widow's watch are not ignoble, perse, they just don't have a lot of clout; he's also not a very 'desirable' bride — i think finn would just straight up not be happy. he's miserable in king's landing after giving birth to samsa, and i'm not sure any attempts kaleb might make to take pity on him would go very well. larys practically ignored him for the first few weeks/moons of their marriage and i think that worked in his favor, lol. finn is stubborn but he can also just be... mean. and does not care much for people around him. kaleb does not deserve that !! and he's STILL going to be pissed when he finds out kaleb has bastard children.

i wonder how he'd feel about finn, esp as a 'wife' that he was arranged to marry and straight up does NOT like him? mutual hatred?

now, as companions? that could be a bit closer. seeing how finn became fast friends with queen alicent, and kaleb is already close with her from youth, they could bond over that sort of… mutual affection for the queen. granted, kaleb is a real friend and finn just likes to gossip and have friends in high positions of power, but still. i don't think he'd like him very much, especially after giving alicent a bastard son. he's side-eyeing him HARD from across the dinner table, that's for sure.

i'm not sure if kaleb has anything going on with larys… if he'd be distrustful of him, dislike him for his percieved closeness with alicent. if he was, i could definitely see them butting heads over that, too. kaleb thinking alicent shouldn't be close to finn, maybe, that he and his husband only mean trouble.

samsa +/gawen

okayyy there's a lot of nuance to this one! as a romantic pairing i do NOT think they would work, though. marrying a bastard is a terrible idea for him if he wants to promote his legitimacy and claim to the vale, and samsa isn't the type to engage in an outside relationship. together, i don't think they'd be happy KSJDKSDDKS. samsa would forever be pissed about marrying an arryn instead of a prince… she has very high ambitions and even one of the great houses would not sate them. plus, unclaimed bastards, their clashing cockiness? oh, no. i'm praying for gawen, that's for sure.

as companions, though? friends? now i could see that a bit better. as stubborn and strong-willed as they both are, i think they may butt heads a bit but ultimately mesh well together. the main problem here is that they're on differing sides of their respective conflicts… i'm, for some reason, imagining a diplomatic dinner in the eyrie or something of the sort, if samsa flies there to negotiate terms. a battle of wits and words, i think, that would be quite entertaining to watch.

trystane +/ therese

i'll indulge in both here too because there is possibility both ways:

i'm not sure of therese's exact age, but i think they're pretty close! a few years off, maybe. brother-sister relationship, anyone? trystane is such an odd kid who has, like, no friends, so i could see therese taking pity on this weird little thing. maybe they actually spend time together in the godswood, or pray together, or maybe he's just like this little purse dog that she drags around because he's amusing. either one is attention that trystane is glad to have, lol.

a betrothal is possible, but probably not ideal. it'd likely happen after harwin's death, so trystane is the technical heir to harrenhal, and i'm not sure larys would be so keen to marry his son to a bastard… it's just not super politically advantageous to him, since she's not in the line of succession. not out of the question, though. i think they'd get along well enough, but trystane is definitely not a very good husband, which i think could lead to some frustration for therese. just that he's… so out of it, all the time, and his behavior may shame her in some way. we do know how the folks of westeros like to gossip.

alyx / kaleb

i'm going with shipping for this one because it's silly /pos, and i'll just pretend for a second they're a little closer in age lol (she's closer to aemma/viserys' generations than alicent/rhaenyra/kaleb's, at around 48 by the start of the dance). this would not be a bad match, putting aside the fact they're both heirs to their respective houses. alyx has bolton from her grandmother (and stark even further back!), lannister from her mother. house vesgar is wealthy and well-respected, if you ignore the rumors about dark magic and cursed blood. it'd unite the lineage of a few pretty powerful houses. or some reason i'm imagining her broken betrothal to daemon being replaced with kaleb's, and this is where the troubles arise.

alyx was i think… fifteen when her betrothal to daemon was broken? and while, at the time, this was something that excited (and disappointed, when it failed) her, she quickly realized that she did not particularly want to be married. she yearned for no one but the company of her twin brother (NOT LIKE THAT), and basked in her years of maidenhood while her father searched for a 'good husband' for her, nevermind the fact her best prospect was already gone. she grew to be very thankful she was never wed.

there would be a certain a in anger her if she was then betrothed to the heir of a northern house. i could see them meeting in court, as kaleb was sent to ward and alyx became one of aemma's ladies-in-waiting. charming and handsome as kaleb is very no-nonsense. i could almost say it's like rhaena and androw farman … ? though alyx is not so foolish as to alienate her husband. she's practical about it. "i do not wish to be married. and i surmise i was not your first choice. even so, this is no reason to live in hatred of one another. i do not wish to become my mother."

so, friends, maybe? heirs might lead to trouble, though, because she happily fields her brother's bastard as her heir, and any bastards kaleb fathers… well, alyx does not tolerate disrespect to her house or herself, is all i will say.

(alternatively, kaleb is married to alyx after the dance is over to 'keep him close,' and he's still miserable except now in chimera's nest SKJDFKSJDF)

thanks so much for the ask again... this was a lot of fun to think about!!

[compressednerve]

Exploring Zachariah Trench's Office with @parasitefun

So many crazy white boy moments in his office so here's rambling about observations we made together. BTW we haven't finished the game yet (we're at The Prime Candidate Program and just found out who P7 is) so PLEASE DON'T TELL ME IF THESE ARE CORRECT OR IF I THEORIZE THE WRONG THING. I don't wanna be spoiled on anything >:O thank you.

Analysis, headcanons, and observations below!

What does his diploma say? Lets zoom in

DIPLOMA THIS CERTIFICATE IS PROUDLY PRESENTED TO

Zachariah Trench

One morning, when Zachariah Trench woke from troubling dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin.

..........oh!! oh ok, the Kafka quote about becoming so disabled you can no longer work? And you see yourself as A HORRIBLE VERMIN because you're disabled? And they put that on a diploma and proudly gave it to Trench! Jesus Christ!!! Go listen to some of The Downward Spiral, Zachariah!!! My god I'm so fucking heartbroken over how Zachariah talks about being old and frail and weak and BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!! and useless and-I could go on. I'm a mostly bedridden disabled person myself and I usually find myself relating the most to the older characters in casts of media because they're usually the ones portrayed with the same issues I have as a younghead (arthritis, brain damage/brain fog/amnesia, fatigue and exhaustion, difficulty moving and speaking, just.. yum). And being bedbound myself is something that I feel really deeply in Kafka's work. To realize Trench relates so deeply to Gregor Samsa as well is just such a juicy delicious detail for him. And it's a diploma? My head is spinning! His self-hatred is infinite...

I love that the diploma is tucked away behind the slide projector as well. I'm not sure if this is The Slide Projector that's been hinted at but it'd be neat if it was!

NOBLE SHERIFF: "There can only be one Sheriff in town" ... :rolling_eyes: ok Mr. The Only Person You Should Fail Is Yourself ok Mr. She Knows I Don't Like Relying On Other People ok Mr. I Need A Team To Clean Up My Horrible Mistakes (k!lls self to avoid taking accountability for his actions and dumps it all in Jesse's lap). He was just drinking straight from the fucking bottle at his desk!! That's so disgusting I love it, no chaser or anything. I love the tasteful rolodex, the smooth marble pen holder (with silver in the black, but, kind of evocative of The Astral Plane hmm?), his stapler, his disgusting jug of booze, and the FRESH PACK OF CIGGIES!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! God, Trench's addictions and compulsions being literally on his desk, the most intimate and well-frequented area of his general daily life, is just so fun! Remedy does so good with environmental storytelling.

I love how even the brands he uses are manifestations of his inner thoughts. The booze label, the tool that relaxes him and dampens his inhibitions, is of course praising him. The Lone Sheriff. The Director. The Last Line Of Defense. Zachariah Trench sees himself as the sole protector, and The Oldest House his town, his community, his ward. The most likely intentional framing of the documents he was signing being splattered with blood, acting like a barrier of his Work vs his Needs (need to relax, need for a painkiller cuz booze is a great painkiller)

I got to his documents piles and literally shouted, "HE HAS SO MUCH MORE WORK TO DO!!!!". I love that the OUT pile is more full than the IN pile, Trench is so judicious with his correspondence :pleading_face: he's so tired. I bet he wishes he was still a Field Agent a lot of the time :sobbing: Looking at all the stuff on his desk like the sheer amount of documents and phone calls and other shit he has to do in a day to day as The Director must be sooo overwhelming...

It was during this moment that Paras and I realized that the greater joke of Control is about older people who stay in their jobs and refuse to make room for other workers, and they get Promoted To Incompetence! lmfao because like, Zachariah was so focused on Field Agent Stuff (in one of his Hotline calls he says, "I kept my head down. I worked my ass off." in a classic blue collar way) and being all tragic and putting his life on the line for his squad, then suddenly and forcefully being promoted to The Boss Of Everything. No wonder he has such a complex about Failing The Bureau :O

the same applies to Dr. Darling--! He's been in The Bureau for a 24 years!! He has 22 labs spread across the ever-shifting expanse of The Oldest House. He, mainly, wants to Do Research and Write Essays and all sorts of other shit that mainly revolves around being an isolated scientist with a modest team. And instead he has to make presentations for the laymen of The Bureau and he has to manage all THE ENTIRE RESEARCH SECTOR, who sends him catty memos about how their department deserves more funding (parakineseology department bribing him with his favorite booze???), and interns and junior scientists who don't know the first thing about The Astral Plane, and as Dr. Underhill complained about- The Bureau's ultimate goal is to exploit what they find, rather than actually comprehend what it is they're dealing with. Most Rangers retire due to cognitive collapse because The Bureau just shoves them in the meat grinder of trying to contain/control Everything. Ugh!

So anyways Zachariah Trench isn't a bad Director but then he's literally such a bad Director, the Worst Director Ever at the same time because it just wasn't his archetype. He took it way too seriously with a hammer in hand, seeing every problem as a nail. Dr. Darling fits the opposite of this niche as well in his own archetypical way- going from goofy underling to The Guy In Charge Of Everyone. They're both socially awkward, domineering, prone to pettiness/hostility, and under so so so much pressure for roles they were universally understood to not be able to fulfill.

All of the people we see in Control that are actually useful and agreeable with Jesse (who has been a dropout who mainly ever worked manual labor jobs up to and including janitor) so far are like, Ahti the mid-60yr old janitor who also just so happens to be the first friendly face you see when you enter the FBC and like, Simon? And fucking Langston (who is so hot I gotta write some Jesse/Frederick later)!

Langston, who is what I imagine is a direct parallel in a positive light compared to Dr. Darling and Director Trench, as in, how he entered The Bureau (he worked in the Postal Service of all places and an uncle at The FBC got him a job there), and Langston, like Trench, worked his ass off, kept his head down, but schmoozed enough to get a nice promotion, and then continued to work at a slow, steady incline for 15 years until he became Panopticon supervisor. He's like one of the only dudes in a high ranking spot who actually respects his position.

And of course who could forget dear Emily Pope :pleading_face: she's been Dr. Darling's underling for idk how long but clearly a while and she's so so ambitious like Darling is ambitious but she's so so so inhibited and held back by Darling's misogyny and higher ranking and having to be ordered to research shit but not actually be able to ask the real questions. You can really get a feel for how passionate Emily is in her work by like, not just how she talks to Jesse but in her correspondence and especially her research papers. The way she words documents ordered by Dr. Darling vs how she words documents ordered by Director Jesse Faden is literally night and day, but not for lack of enthusiasm. You can tell under Darling's mentorship she's soooo stifled, and with Jesse's lax permission "please just do whatever you want so long as it advances my (and The Bureau's) understanding of things". Emily's like a kid in a candy store and it's exactly what she needs to flourish.... Oh to bask in the light of a manual laborer :heart_eyes:

Another angle of his documents which I find titillating. The majority of his blood splatter landing on the IN pile... efflorescent....

THE FUCKING. BLACK ROCK PRISM ON HIS DESK. Paras has something to say about that later in a fic or some art. The other pack of ciggies that he was in the process of smoking (I counted the cigarettes. He has 8 ciggies left which means he's smoked 12 already. There are 4 in the ashtray which means at some point after opening the pack, he smoked 8 and then dumped the ashtray. This shows he keeps his ashtray relatively clean, which is a specific kind of character quirk about Tidiness and Cleanliness for Trench because chainsmokers like me and Paras are disgusting and our ashtray is overflowing by like, three packs and it smells horrible). The way it sits atop all his other shit he needs to sign, he's just drowning in documents (sort of like how I imagine Alan is drowning in manuscripts? WHO SAID THAT?)

*looks over Jesse's shoulder and realizes Trench's body is gone* *nearly shouting to Paras, who is sitting right next to me* WHERE IS TRENCH'S BODY? WHERE DID HIS BODY GO? WHY IS HIS BLOOD ON THE FLOOR BUT NOT HIS BODY? DID THE FUCKING BOARD TAKE HIM? DID THEY EAT HIM? WHO ATE TRENCH?

I've been likening Zachariah Trench a lot to Rorschach in his perpetual death-wish (he wants to die so bad but he'll fight everything that tries to kill him to the bloody end because he feels he can only die when he's ready to die ugh yum). The empty blood splatter after you come back from The Hotline Chamber for the first time (and realizing that The Hotline Chamber is DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO TRENCH'S OFFICE? HELLO?) is soooo fucking reminiscent of Rorschach's final death scene, where the blood splatter is the shape of his mask :hand_over_mouth: soooo symbolic sooo iconic. Note to self: Paras and I need to write/draw something about different people devouring Trench's corpse (yum).

(SIDENOTE: PLEASE DONT TELL ME IF THERE'S A CANONICAL REASON FOR WHY TRENCH'S CORPSE DISAPPEARS. THAT'D BE BALLER IF THERE WAS A CANONICAL REASON BUT WE WANNA FIND OUT ON OUR OWN!)

I wanna lick the blood off his desk and phone. Oohhhhhhn n the way it drips down the edge of the desk. I want to give him so many head wounds here. He spilled his final blood all over his classified documents and telephone and finished work and desk that he sat at a lot :pleading_face: and he was only 64 years old wah. He was so tragic and so sad and what if there was a dude who was so sad he DIED because his boss was like "put the gun to your head and see if we still like you" and Trench was like "oh good, finally, an opportunity to see if I'm still worthy" AND HE FUCKIN. WAS PROVED. UNWORTHY? OUCH, DUDE!!! HARSH!!!

Zachariah's Personal Signature Rubber Stamp (CUMS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Dude I had no fucking clue he had a picture of himself when he was younger (and healthier, and happier, and) with his kid that he accidentally killed. Like what??? He's so miserable and he sits at his desk with TWO packs of cigarettes and a giant bottle of like i'm guessing whiskey or scotch, and he just sits there and gets nosebleeds from using The Hotline and chainsmokes and stares at his Former Glory. MY GOD!

...............pistachios :pleading_face: he eats pistachios. he has pistachio snack. he enjoys pistachios. there is a bag of pistachios at his desk. he had to have gotten that at a vending machine. zachariah trench had to either ask someone to get him some pistachios (vulnerable) or he had to get up and go to a vending machine and put his money into the vending machine because he wanted a snack and he chose to get pistachios and he had to bend over and get the pistachios out of the bottom of the vending machine. zachariah trench eating pistachios. he has to crack the shells open and dispose of them somehow. pistachios are green. he eats pistachios. he wants a snack. i am literally a shell of a human being.

Imagine the smell of his nice leather briefcase. The weight of it in your hand. The privilege to watch Trench open it up and rifle through the papers, or *gets lightheaded* being able to hand him a document that he then has to place in his briefcase. I can't breathe. I like the pneumos in the background too. He has a very natural gentle clutter to his desk, like I imagine how he perceives the clutter of his mind. There's so many things to keep track of, and he's so tired... :weeping:

I'm so utterly enraged that he didn't finish two of his cigarettes. He didn't even finish his ciggie before he died!! are you fucking kidding me?! I was somewhat bewildered because the texture of the inside of the ashtray (the ashtray) looks... wet? and the two finished cigarette butts are visibly wet (distorted color, swollen cotton) and Paras said that the ashtray probably has a sort of perpetually wet sand inside it. Works for me!

Did you know if you shoot the Prism, it's breakable? I didn't know that. Makes the screenie a bit goofy but I don't care. Look at his over half-finished pack of ciggies. I would pay. kind of a lot of money. for like a collectors edition of real Black Pyramid Cigarettes are you kidding me? What kind of nightmare dimension tobacco do they put in those things?

He looks so moe here receiving his gay little medals or whatever's happening (idk if this has story relevance and gets revealed later or not). His hairdo is so cute??? Did he... did he bleach his hair? It looks like his roots are showing thru old bleach... is... Yung Trench a bleached hair baddie? I'm gonna pass out.

Me: look at that! Trench is watching the presentation! Paras: LOOK AT HOW SMOKY THE ROOM IS! HE'S HOTBOXING HIS OFFICE WITH NICOTINE! Both of us: *gagging*

So first of all this is such a big moment in terms of setting up Zachariah and Casper's relationship to each other, and how they interact with each other. Jesse uses The Hotline, and then we're treated to an interdimensional 3D Memory Flashback of observing Trench. He's sitting in his office, which is dimmed so the projector can play. He's chainsmoking so much that the ENTIRE VOLUME of his MODESTLY LARGE OFFICE is FILLED with CIGARETTE SMOKE. I genuinely am so disgusted and enamored by Trench's hardcore nicotine addiction, his.... dedication to the Ritual of Smoking. So anyways, engaging in his comfort ritual of Smoking, sitting in his nice chair and watching Darling's presentation. Imagine him ordering Darling to put together research on The Hotline immediately after his first call with The Board... and he's the only one who can communicate about what the experience is like... and then when Dr. Darling is done he delivers the video to Trench and then Trench sets aside specific dark-room-and-smoking time JUST to watch The Presentation? CAN IT GET ANY MORE HOMOSEXUAL THAN THIS? I *will* be writing about this later.

Sidenote the perspective of viewing behind his head like this is so intimate. I feel so voyeuristic, I want to hover closer to the back of Trench's neck and feel/see the hairs rise up in extrasensory response to my presence. I want to nibble on his ear.

I need him. to blow smoke in my face.

...

Well that's all the screenshots I have at the moment! Thank you for reading my post and please feel free to contribute your own ideas and observations to this because I LOVE META!! And I love hearing other people discuss it too >:3

[markerofthemidnight]

Do you know when the next part of the One-Winged Angel fic will be out? Its really good and I keep checking back similar to how if you keep checking the fridge every 5 minutes it will magically restock with more food 👉👈

Well, I’d be happy to answer!

Honestly… I’m not exactly sure when I can get it out. Honestly it’s, like, 60-80% finished depending on how long the end bit gets, so… I could mayyybe get it out by tomorrow if I pushed it but that’s assuming I can muster up the motivation.

I’m the kind of person who simply doesn’t operate according to schedules. I do things when I feel like it, and that’s the end of things. However, I’ll try my best to get myself back into the mood to write it again!

Here’s an itty-bitty preview to thank you for your patience:

***

Chapter 3 - Room 40

Lute awoke from uneasy dreams to find that her head was throbbing. It wasn’t as bad as it was last time she was awake, and her legs felt a lot better now- as well as her wing, though not by much- but it was still painful.

She got up, finding it surprisingly difficult to raise her head, as it had become mysteriously heavier than normal. When her hand reached to her head, she felt a familiar yet strangely different sensation: the horns of her mask.

Right, she never actually removed her helmet, did she? The face was knocked off, but she certainly still had it on by the time she tore off her wing….

When she opened her eyes, she found herself in a dim, expensive-looking room covered with mahogany furniture amidst scarlet wallpaper. She’d never seen a room like this in her life… but it reminded her of the lobby, the hotel lobby where she lost her wing.

Did that Sinner… take her to the hotel? No, no way: the hotel collapsed- very nearly with her inside. She couldn’t actually be there anymore: it was impossible.

As she thought hard looking for an answer, her hand grasped the mask’s horns again… and she felt something that made her stop in shock.

She felt her hair. Right next to one of the horns. Rough, dirty, probably stained with dry blood.

Her hair was feelable through the mask. But… how? The only was that was possible was if… if…

As she felt the horns one more time, she noticed that they felt… detailed. She could feel every tiny line from the keratin that made horns up: real horns, not fake ones.

…She had grown horns. Real horns.

Like a demon.

A monster.

A Fallen.

***

Now, of course, this preview takes up like… 10% of the chapter, at most. It’s also like… a quarter through, I think? The chapter actually opens with a surprisingly light-hearted scene with Charlie and Vaggie. Two fun facts:

The chapter’s title, Room 40, was naturally named after the number of Lute’s new room in the hotel. However that room, in turn, was named after the fact that 40 is apparently a biblical number associated with trials, change, and fresh starts. It’s why the Great Flood lasted 40 days.

The opening sentence of this scene was inspired by the opening sentence of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis: “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.” (that does not happen to lute here but at the same time the horns aren’t the only change she went through overnight… remember how much it was stressed in Chapter 2 that her legs weren’t feeling so good?)

And in case you’re wondering, no, my fics usually never have this much thought put into them.

I’ll see you when the next chapter comes out!

[haus-mom]

8, 9, 16 :)

UNAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOU SM <33333

8. Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Gonna get my ass kicked for this, but Mizuki is not confirmed nonbinary and their arc is actually very far from being about that. "But they use they/them pronouns!" In the English translation, sure, but I feel like the translators have gotten themselves in some sort of loop they can't come out of. I understand that their gender is officially "?" but others referring to Mizuki with they/them doesn't make sense, since they're fem presenting.

It's so incosistent too! Kanade uses she/her for Mizuki to herself ONCE and then resumes using they/them

I think I've mentioned this a few times, but I would've done it very differently. N25 is not aware of Mizuki's genderfuckery, and they're fem presenting, so it's likely they'd use she/her. Same with people who are vaguely acquaintanced with them, like Tsukasa, Shizuku or Emu. Akito is aware of the rumours, but him not telling Ena means he couldn't care less, so it's likely he'd use she/her too.

What about An and Rui, who are aware of Mizuki's identity? That's the complicated part, since they'd give away Mizuki's gender. I guess I'd do my best to avoid using gendered pronouns? It'd be kinda hard, but at least it'd MAKE SENSE. If they're talking about Mizuki to other characters, they'd probs use she/her too regardless.

I haven't really read the new JP event, but they probably don't clear anything up when it comes to Mizuki's gender. I was hoping Mizuki's sister would say something like "oh mizuki's my sister/whatever" but in the summary I've read, as sweet as it seems, we're still kept in the dark. Oh well.

"But that'd be misgendering!" YES! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR GENDER! PEOPLE TEND TO ASSUME! Plus, if Mizuki's not a trans girl not saying pronouns = gender, that's not what i'm going for here or nonbinary, and they're just an otokonoko (unlikely, but they can still pussy out, even though they had Mizuki singing villain, but whateeeeeeever), wouldn't they/them be misgendering them too?

It's frustrating, like, if you hc Mizuki as nb that's fine, but can people please stop going for the throats of those who use she/her for them? Not that hard, I promise!

9. Worst part of canon

Canon seems to be hellbent on having some duos as default, with little to no deviations. Leo/Need does this the least, but sometimes they do fall into Ichika+Saki/Honami+Shiho territory.

WxS also doesn't do this often, as it's very well balanced, but when it comes to mix events it's... Not that great. Rui+Emu is surprisingly lacking in content as well, I feel like they're in the background, which is a shame because I like them a lot.

MMJ is truly neutral. We have fun interactions all around, but Airi+Haruka is even worse than Rui+Emu. Please they are THE STRONGEST!!!! give them an event together. I'm sure they'd crush it.

N25 sucks so bad, like so, so, so bad. Most of the time it's Kanade+Mafuyu/Mizuki+Ena. I think they're trying to fix it, but since Mafuyu and Kanade are now roommates, it's... Not really working. Last Kanade event barely had Mafuyu on it, and that's something I really don't like about canon? N25 is overreliant on Mafuyu and sometimes it feels like the other member's problems take a backseat because Mafuyu's are more important. And that sucks. Kanade has it the worst of all because even in events where she miraculously gets away (? from her, she's still thinking of saving her. I get Kanade is very goal-driven and is determined to save her, but... Just Mafuyu? Like in Spojoy when Minori tells Kanade she should take time to herself because she's also important and that she'll be there for her, Kanade instantly thinks "Of course... I want to see Mafuyu smile!" and canon portraying this as a good thing and Kanade improving as a person SUCKS. SUCKS SO BAD. Thanks Kaito for telling her to snap out of it. Samsa is one of the greatest comm songs imo but it's about Mafuyu. The whole event was about Mafuyu's story.

I get it, but they've left Kanade's dad's plotline untouched for TWO WHOLE YEARS, it's what i said about the other member's problems taking a backseat. Mizuki I get, running away is their thing and they seem to be doing good by relating to Mafuyu, but... Augh.

VBS is the poster child for duos. They're the only group where the members don't all use their first names. Just look at their card cameos. And their mix events too... Free them please...

Once I saw someone say "VBS isn't just duos, they have dynamics!" and they sure have them! Wish they got moments to develop them besides card stories and area convos!

16. You can't understand why so many people like this thing

Unironically? Akito x Toya. They're the most milquetoast, boring ship imaginable and nothing interesting ever happens with them. Sometimes you need fluffy ships and I get it, but you can get the same dynamic better within the game itself. To me they're that kind of friends who are super close and thought of dating but they're just so close dating just feels out of the question lol

The way they met doesn't make sense. Like, Akito saw Toya singing and went "oh i want this one", even though he was doing street music just to piss his dad off. Then he sees Kohane and goes "i want that hamster OBLITERATED", because she "wasn't taking it seriously", it just doesn't make sense! If it was called out sure, but Akito being a hypocrite is never brought up ever again. Their conflict in the main story was pretty dumb too. And from then on they just. Go with the flow. I love Toya and Akito separately so please let them be apart.

Whoever has talked to me about proseka for more than 5 minutes knows 2 things: I love Tsukasa Tenma and I really, really dislike Kanade x Mafuyu. The fact that they're the most popular ship for one another evades me. Kanade and Mafuyu aren't good for each other AT ALL.

"But Kanade is doing her best to save Mafuyu!" That's exactly the thing! At the beginning of the game, Kanade was constantly trying her best to save Mafuyu, and Mafuyu in exchange worried about Kanade... Because she's trying to save her. Kanade saw Mafuyu as a big wall, something to prove she's capable of saving others with her music.

"They got better! Kanade sees Mafuyu as a friend now!" ... And Mafuyu is still the same. Ena told her that the least she could do is thank her in Carnation Recollection, but did she? No, she but she was nicer... To Emu. Mafuyu, at least up until Ena's second focus, still wants Kanade to keep composing for her sake. I know she's been bending over backwards to please others since forever and N25 is her safe place to rest, but Ena is right. The least she could do is thank her.

"Since they're living together, Mafuyu is taking care of Kanade!" ... Is she really? She just cleans around a bit, but as for eating and having a better sleeping schedule, Mafuyu is just as bad. Does Mafuyu have to take care of Kanade? Not really, it's not her obligation. But Mafuyu never does anything to stop Kanade from indulging into her unhealthy habits, including overworking herself. Some people keep talking about toxic yuri and... There it is! I have no problem if it's being portrayed like that, but most portrayals have it be wholesome and good, and it isn't, not at all.

Like with Akit-ya I can see why people ship them! They're cute! Kan-mafu though... That's another story.

[apurikottotii]

june song recs!

this month has been really good, actually! i've enjoyed having a lot more time off to be able to engage in hobbies i like and some self-reflection. especially that self-reflection part, it's been really helpful. i really want to change and improve myself! i've been thinking, i would be really happy if i could be regarded as someone reliable and dependable, who will always be there for other people. then, i could be really proud of me.

--- empurple - harumaki gohan

okay i wasn't a big fan of watashi wa ame, so i was reluctant to listen to a new nightcord commission, but DAMN this slaps. it reminds me a lot of samsa by teniwoha, particularly the drums, which i also got obsessed with last summer. my favorite lyric has to be "please forgive me and purple", with the next line rhyming purple with empurple. it's.... ajnsdfisdnfuasdf. the tuning is also so good. i like robotic tuning more. this is a great song to write a 2000 word paper to. not speaking from experience.

--- lamentation et triomphe - hoyo-mix

listen ya boy started playing genshin again, and this battle theme is so good. the main theme constantly reappearing in different voices is so cool. like violin to brass to guitar somewhere, it's SO GOOD.

--- that's what i want - lil nas x

listen i don't really listen to pop okay but my friend randomly played it once and i heard it again in a spotify ad, and damn it slaps. i really like songs that remind me of summer, which this really does! the meaning behind the song is quite sweet too.

--- luka luka ★ night fever - samfree

i didn't really like this song when i listened to it a few years ago, but i tried it again and it's SO FUN. i can't stop dame dame yo ★- ing around my house.

--- no way - six

listen it's catchy, i love the funky percussion. the verses are so snappy and the lyrics flow together so well. and of course, the chorus is so fun and really makes you feel confident lol. of course, it's cathartic for me too.

--- urameshi yahoo - kurage-p

this song really took me some time to get used to it, but of course, i can't resist any kurage-p song in the end. i'm still not sure what the song is about, but i love a good ghost/paranormal theme. my favorite lyrics are something like "well, see you next life / if it exists, that is!" at the very end of the song. i love it when composers extend the last line of the chorus at the very end of the song, ESPECIALLY if it brings some special revelation. of course, the tuning is great and multiple keychanges???? woahhhhh. and background harmonies go crazy.

honorable mentions: i didn't listen to (some of) these a lot per say, but i did think about them a lot: triage (shidou's "i want to be INNOCENT, i want to live" really got me thinking...) i am you ("an unprecedented brilliance in human history, that is what 'i' must be!" was something i said a lot to myself to boost my confidence) help me erin! (i can't help but smile when i listen to it. i made it my alarm) made to order (this song is so sad yet hopeful bruh i love slow songs too)

six trillion years and an overnight story (i have no idea why i started listening to this song again, but it's hella catchy)

good luck, babe (i'm sorry social media platforms got me to listen to this. the timbre of her voice is so nice. it's so ethereal, probably due to it being in such a high octave. "you'll have to stop the world just to stop the feeling" is really so...)

[cursed-ice-queen]

My Secret Santa gift for @ergo-zakki! They were looking for an illustration of their OC Josef K. Samsa with the statue of his great x10 grandfather Judah Loew Ben Bezalel with a golem reflecting in the puddle.

Full disclosure, I traced a photo of the statue because I didn’t want to mess up such an important part of the illustration. But I had a lot of fun drawing the clouds and rain! I struggled with the golem and had to redo it.

The first illustration took me 3 hours and 30 minutes, the second took 5 hours and 30 minutes. For a total of 9 hours. Mostly because I kept redoing the shading.

@hphmsecretsanta2020

[might-guys-acorn]

About Me!

"Answer these questions, then tag 8 people you'd like to get to know better"

I was tagged in this by the lovely @nijixrainbow or @darcowrites and nearly cried bc wowies someone thought of me when this was going around?? I love you.💕

1) Birthday: November 15th

2) Zodiac: ☀️Scorpio🌙Aquarius⬆️Scorpio Year of the Rabbit :)

3) Height: 5'3"

4) Last Song I Listened to: Butterflies by Samsa. Literally one of my favorites, technically a rap but feels more like a rhythmic beat poetry. Some of the best lyrics Ive ever heard.

5) Hobbies: Okay so I have a million hobbies honestly, and depending on what flavor manic I am, I'll cycle through them. The main ones are Theatre, Writing (obvs), Drawing, Watercolor, Singing, Photography and Yoga. More minor ones are Meditation, Upcycling, Crochet, and I just got into Cosplay as well :)

6) Last movie I watched: I usually stick with watching shows honestly, so I think the last movie I actually watched was Plus One? I think? Its like a RomCom, vvv cute, highly reccommend.

7) Favorite Books: Looking For Alaska by John Green will always be my favorite, its beautifully written and accurately depicts the way different people deal with grief. Some others include The Great Gatsby, The Rook, and Hamlet (I know its a play but I love me some Billy Shakespeare, so 🤷🏼‍♀️)

8) Dream Job: Ugh I wanna do so much, but probably an actress, or a travel photographer. Im gonna end up being a History teacher who runs the Drama Club and closet writes Romance Novels, though. Good life💕

9) Favorite Color: Yellow! Like a golden yellow, less of a flourescent. Usually an unpopular opinion, but Im a sunshine person, I like a sunshine color 😊

10) Meaning behind my URL: So, my URL is based off of a Shippuden filler arc, where Kakashi compares Gai's *cough* you know, to an acorn as kids. Yes, the URL is in reference to Gai's dick🤷🏼‍♀️ but its evolved into so much more, and Ive started to go by Acorn to a lot of various things and people. Its become my art tag, and a little representation of me🥰

@hiddenleafstoryteller @myaekingheart @hannashi44 @lighteningavenger @discendia @babyybitchhh @rrrotten @smol-mermaid (im fully aware that I know all these things for some of yall, but its fun and your followers are probs curious. I love you💕)

[thebusmansholiday]

Uzbekistan

Tuesday 23rd May Dushanbe to Samarkand 11 hours (Shared taxi to Border - 1 hour Walk 2km across border and through border controls - 2 hours Shared taxi to Samarkand - 8 hours)

 An early breakfast at hostel Latifa, before all the family came to the front door to wave us off in our taxi to the 'shared taxi terminal' in Dushanbe. It's pretty chaotic at the terminal but soon after arriving we agree a decent price with a driver to take us an hours drive to the Uzbekistan border. We pick up a few other passengers en route, and the driver even stops to pick us up some hot out the oven fresh bread that he insists we take for free.

No traffic crosses this border, just a few long distance trucks being the exception. The Tajikistan and Uzbek governments don't get along, lots of the more convenient border crossings are closed to tourists by the tourist rich Uzbek side, out of spite, to strangle the flow of tourist dollars crossing into Tajikistan. Our driver drops us off as close to the border fence as he can, we put on our backpacks and start walking towards the first checkpoint. The Tajikistan border guards are having breakfast so we have a 30 minute wait for them to come and stamp our passports and let us through for the 2km walk through no mans land and to the Uzbekistan border checkpoint.

The Uzbekistan guards look much more serious than the lax Tajiks, their uniform is a better fit, trousers not so baggy, tighter shirts round the arms, their boots more polished. You have to fill in 2 forms for how much cash you have on you, if you leave Uzbekistan with more cash than when you arrived they will seize it. They perform a thorough search of our bags, they are interested to know where we have travelled through and start to take a close look at photos on my phone and ipad. One guard is looking at old photos  on my phone, some of me in Russia last year, and some from way back in 2013. He is interested to know who I am posing next to in some of the photos...

"Who is this?" "That is Breznev, it's a statue in Moscow, just for fun, I have no allegiance to him or his like" "Who is this?" "That is Boris Yeltsin" "Who?" He shows the photo of me next to Boris' statue to a female colleague, who confirms it's the former president. A few seconds pass as he continues to swipe his way through.... "And this...." "Ha! That is Eamonn Mcnamee! Just a friend"

The guard hands me back my phone, and I'm left to repack all the clothes that I had only just delicately folded and packed a few hours ago. We walk through a few more military check points (showing our passports a total of 5 times on the Uzbek side) and finally reach the main road and the gathering of shared taxis waiting to take people to the nearest towns and cities. We are lucky to meet a man from Samarkand, heading home to visit family, who speaks good English and asks if we want to share a taxi with him and his nephew. Having a local negotiate the taxi price is really handy, and the 8 hour drive to Samarkand will only cost us 10 dollars each. We have to pay in Uzbek Som, so have to change a few dollars with one of the many wheeler dealers desperate for hard US cash. Getting more confident at haggling by the day, and drawing a crowd of interested onlookers keen to watch this confident dutch girl wipe the floor with them, Louisa insists on the black market rate we had read about online earlier (it is more than double the official bank rate) and 40 dollars gets us 320,000 Som! A huge wad of notes is stashed away in my backpack and off we go to Samarkand.

Two hours into the journey we stop for lunch at a roadside cafe. They are out of Plov.... Gutted! Mutton soup, salad and bread it is then. Again, not much choice in central Asia, you get what you are given, fussy tapas types are not welcome! Anack (uncle) and his nephew explain that it is custom on long car journeys to have a beer after lunch, it helps take the edge off, smooths out some of the pot holes later in the journey. "We're good muslims! One beer for the road is for health reasons" he says, toasting with a cheeky smile. The driver toasts with his tea, he's not on the beer today. I like that about this region, the taxi driver becomes your friend for the day, he dines with you, you share biscuits with him to help keep him awake, you stop at homes of his friends and family en route to pick up stuff. People are not slaves to the clock here, and it makes for better daily human interactions than you get back in the formalised 'developed' world. 

We travel not for trafficking alone, By hotter winds our fiery hearts are fanned. For lust of knowing what should not be known We take the Golden Road to Samarkand

James Elroy Flecker, 1913

No name is so evocative of the Silk Road as Samarkand, it has mythical resonance, to it. Today, surrounding the ancient madrassas and mosques such as the breathtaking centre piece, 'The Registan', are soviet apartment blocks, parked up old Lada's, and yellow Daewoo taxis buzzing around that give a modern twist to this cities charm.

People warn us on our travels before arriving that Samarakand has been turned into a bit of sterile theme park in recent years, and while we can sense this, it is still a very unique experience walking through and appreciating the shear scale and lasting beauty of some of the old buildings.  Also, it doesn't take too much effort to wonder away from the main tourist sights and get a glimpse of the still buzzing chaotic bazaars that have been trading goods for centuries. The 'Siob Bazaar' is a daily stop for us here, stocking up on loads of cheap fruit and veg for lunch and dinner, avoiding sit down restaurant meals to keep within our strict budget. This could come across as being a bit of chore to stick to, but it's good fun being forced to live a bit like a local and haggle for every penny off our tomatoes, to make our 320,000 som really stretch! Besides, 'Hostel Abu-Bahir the 2nd' has a big kitchen to prepare food in, and great roof terrace to eat on, especially when the sun goes down over The Registan in the distance.

Saturday 27th May Samarkand to Bukhara 1hr 34mins Afrosiob Tiago High Speed Train Train No. 762: 09.43 to 11.17

We are back on the railway today, a welcome relief from the bumpy, pot hole obstacle course of the central asian highways. Uzbekistan is years ahead of it's central asian rivals (and the UK) in terms of high speed railway infrastructure. The state run high speed network connects Tashkent in the North East to Bukhara in the South West of the country in just 3 hours! We arrive at Samarkand station way too early in fear of long queuing for security checks, but appear to be the only people around, and breeze through the bag checks in no time at all. The station has a big spacious air conditioned waiting area and free wifi, much quicker wifi than at our hostel, so we use the time to catch up on news from back home.

(Above: Samarkand Train Station and the high speed duck)

The afrosiob tiago (spanish built) high speed train, nicknamed 'el pato' ('The duck' in Spanish. Thanks Antonio!) pulls in on time, 5 mins before departure, and we board wIth a small crowd of others onto a near empty carriage. Travelling at speeds of 250kmh, the spacious air conditioned economy carriages are a joy to ride on and amazing value at just $5 a ticket. You can purchase the tickets from a ticket office in the centre of Samarkand, a few days in advance. The friendly staff will try to speak English or, as has been a common experience for us in central asia, another customer will come to your aid, keen to practice their English and help ease your worries about getting the right ticket.

After just over an hour and a half we arrive into 'Central Asia's holiest city' Bukhara and make our way to hostel Rumi, another friendly family run place, with the mum of the family serving big breakfasts of Samsa (cheese and potato pasty), rice pudding, eggs and far too much bread and jam.

The temperature outside is touching 37, far too hot for any enjoyable sightseeing. We get up early to head to the big local Bazaar to get ingredients for lunch and dinner. Pasta, tomatoes, aubergine, peppers, it's becoming a bit of staple for us as we try and keep cool in the hostel and avoid the day time heat. Once the sun starts going down we head to the Silk and Spices festival taking place in the centre of town. The whole of Bukhara comes out for it, with lots of market stalls selling the crowds plenty of 'silk road' souvenirs (mostly tat). The main focus of the festival is around the pretty main square where a live orchestra plays to a packed audience gathered around the old public bathing pool. Until a century ago Bukhara was watered by a network of canals and stone pools where locals would gather to bathe and gossip. The water wasn't changed very often though, and Bukhara became famous for plagues with life expectancy in the town at just 32. Thankfully the Bolsheviks modernised the system and drained many of the pools, with the exception of the Lyabi-Hauz, which remains a cool tree shaded oasis in the centre of town and where we watched the orchestra play away the night.

(Above: Lada’s and Madrassas in Bukhara) 

The closing ceremony of the festival was on the Sunday night, the Mayor gave a rousing speech at the start, proclaiming Bukhara open to the world, perhaps oblivious to the tedious visa procedures most foreign visitors sat in front of him have to go through to get here. Then it was the turn of local pop and cover acts to entertain the bored looking crowd, in what came across as Bukhara's 'Talent Trek'. The Uzbek Pavarotti probably won it, but like most of the crowd we left before the end.

The last evening is spent at the Bukhara athletics stadium, located next door to Rumi Hostel.  The gates to the stadium are left open all day and locals, young and old, are able to use the facilities for free. 

Tuesday 30th May Bukhara to Tashkent 7hrs 58mins Old Soviet Sleeper, Train No. 661 22.36 to 06.34

We saved on accommodation costs by opting for a slow 8 hour overnight train back north to the Uzbek capital and our final destination in Central Asia. The high speed 3 hour day time journey was another option but this sleeper train was really old school and much older than any other train I'd travelled on in the past.  The dark laminate wooded interior with dingy mood lighting lamps and gold drape bed covers made for a sleazy sort of feel. The train really shook us about  as it trundled along at a pretty sedate pace. I was slightly concerned I could fall from my upper bunk bed so didn't sleep too great and we were both relived to arrive at our hostel the next morning for a very early check in and hear that our beds were already available.

The 'Art Hostel' has a small swimming pool, perfect for cooling down in the afternoon when temperatures get into the mid thirties again. This was a rare treat for us, and unfortunately for you, the reader, it means I don't have very much to write about the capital Tashkent. The rare occasions we did venture out, we found a very clean modern looking city, big tree lined avenues, lots of parks with big ponds and water fountains. Tashkent is much more 'Russified' than the rest of Uzbekistan, lots of cool Soviet era architecture, including the huge TV tower, some wonderful southbank like concrete theatres and the quintessential brutalist apartment blocks. Also, Tashkent has very lavishly designed metro stations, similar to Moscow. Unfortunately you can't take photos as I found out when a police officer ordered me to remove the photo of the big Yuri Gagarin portrait at Kosmonavtlar station. Security is very tight at all the stations, police check bags and routinely ask to see your passports before allowing you through the barriers.

Thursday lunchtime and we treat ourselves to a visit to the Central Asian Plov Centre, a mecca for all plov lovers from the world over. Thursday is the traditional day to have a plov fest here, the central asian staple is elevated to the status of religion in Uzbekistan. Why Thursday I hear you ask.... Plov is considered an aphrodisiac and locals joke that the word for foreplay in Uzbek is 'plov'. Men put the best cuts of meat in the plov on a Thursday, gearing themselves up for the weekend ahead. It is said most Uzbek babies are conceived on a Thursday.

(Above: foreplay)

Leaving Central Asia

There are a few overland routes we could have taken back to Europe, some a lot more akin to the spirit of the old Silk Road, but we were limited to a 3 day transit visa for the heavy policed country of Turkmenistan, so we would have risked a big fine if we missed a ferry connection crossing the Caspian sea. Add to that, the not so stable situation in Turkey near the border with Syria, and Georgia's border with Russia, we've decided on the safe route back with a direct train on the 'Opium Express' line from Tashkent to Moscow. Leaving at 18.50 on Saturday (3rd June), 66 hours this old locomotive is going to take! Trundling through the Kazakh steppe for the most part, there is not going to be much to look at out the window, but those of you who know me well, will know just how excited I am at the prospect of it, probably the most excited I've been about any part of this adventure. Louisa is a little excited too, I think.

We are well stocked up on beers, wine, vodka, biscuits, tea bags and coffee sachets (we've been accumulating them from all the hotels and hostels we've stayed at).  Porridge for breakfast, bread, pot noodles, tomatoes, cucumbers and crisps for lunch, we will treat ourselves to a restaurant carriage meal of an evening (hopefully plov).

For more photos of the trip, just click on the link below for Lo’s instagram page

www.instagram.com/lo_opreis

[aristokratischer-blog]

multiples of ten for mun meme

10. What’s the hardest thing for you to write?

Angst, in all honesty. I always have such trouble with it because for me, it’s emotionally exhausting. Also as a fucking virgin (tm) I also have a bit of trouble with smut. Especially since I can’t take it seriously. Someone gets their dick out and my first thought is “That worm looks mad” from the one good Cosmo article I’ve seen

20. How much time do you spend roleplaying on average a week?

hhhh probably like 3-4 AT MOST. Granted now it’s winter break so it’s more like 666 hours am I RIGHT

30. What do you like about roleplaying fluff?

I. Just love fluff so much. It’s usually for me very easy and comes the most naturally. Maybe because deep down I’m just a giant sap. 

40. Do you like to plot or improv?

I kind of like improving, I guess. Having a loose idea of what’s going to happen and then rolling with it rather than a set plotline. Maybe it’s a freedom thing idk idk.

50. What’s something you like about FCs/Play-Bys?

In the case of OCs especially it gives me a great idea of what a character looks like orz. 

60. Who’s a roleplayer (or writer) you think you have learned a lot from?

hhh ok @nxghtlight I have always loved Samsa’s writing style because it is so fun and I want to be fun too my friends. and also @gilbert-der-allerbeste who I’ve been RPing with since I came into the RP community on the tumblr machine. Like she showed me the ropes and I’m still super grateful o3o

[ee-online-blog]

drama school journey

I’ve wanted to be a performer since I can remember. When I was younger I would dance and sing and put on shows and I was totally obsessed with performing. A little drama queen, harmlessly enjoying the limelight. I went to all kinds of dance lessons, then musical theatre classes then singing lessons whilst also doing a lot of it at school. It was a big part of my life growing up.

When I left school aged 16, I could actually start to focus on it becoming a career and start working on it all day every day like I had always wanted. At college I was constantly learning new skills, broadening my horizons and becoming a more rounded performer. A lot changed in those 2 years and the ages of 16-18 are important. I knew I was going to audition for drama school a the end of the two years but I was still very young, naive and unsure what path to take; Did I want to become a musical theatre performer? or an actor? why did I have to pick when I want to do it all? Unfortunately I was in an abusive relationship at the time and this really didn’t help my mental state and it really messed up my audition process and my drive and ambition. I decided I was going to stay another year at home, and do a one year acting course specifically designed for drama school auditions and preparation.  

That summer, I had a wake up call. I had completely lost myself in the previous year and became a different person. I built up the courage and ended my bad relationship, which was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like me again. I was part of a well established theatre company, and I got cast that summer as Greta Samsa in Berkoff’s Metamorphosis directed by a west end director. This physical theatre piece was incredible, there was only 8 in the cast, it was physically intense, mentally intense and I learnt SO much whilst performing it. It made me gain the motivation to get into drama school. It helped me find my drive.

I started the one year acting course, it wasn’t great but I did what I had to do and worked on lots of monologues. That Autumn I passed my driving test and my social life was getting better and better. I hadn’t had much of a social life the past year because of the relationship I was in so it felt so nice to actually go out and enjoy with my friends. This did start to take over from my work though. I started seeing someone, and myself and my best friend starting becoming a bit wild with our new potential boyfriends and their friends. We partied a lot, were constantly drinking and going out and being wild. We both got tattoo’s, skipped class to spend time with them and we were living a ‘gap year’ lifestyle. This obviously took it’s toll and I felt more underprepared for drama school auditions than I had the year before. My new boyfriend had just gotten in to drama school in London. And I wasn’t that interested in my auditions anymore, I just wanted to move to London and be there. I auditioned for 2 drama schools that year, was underprepared and didn’t work hard at all so I obviously didn’t get in, and at the time I really wasn’t bothered, I started to apply for universities and thought about doing a drama degree instead, a bit more sensible maybe I thought, and that way I could move to London and live my best life in the big city with my best friend and all my other friends. That September I moved to London. I started university at Queen Mary’s in London. I wasn’t overly excited about the modules and the course but at first I took a great interest. I loved living in London, I was out every day visiting different places, I was constantly with all my friends who lived in London, I saw my boyfriend a lot and my best friend Nicole and me were always together. I started to make friends with my flat mates and we all partied quite a lot together. But during this time I was becoming anxious and miserable. I would love the weekends, they were always busy and fun and exciting. But Monday would happen and I would skip class to lay in bed, feel lonely and cry. I hated university, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting worse, he couldn’t make his mind up if he wanted me or not. I hated uni and felt I had no real purpose to life. That Christmas I went home and was extremely miserable, I thought about dropping out, a lot. I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me for the past 5 months, which was a tipping point to how I was already feeling. I became suicidal and was looking for a way out. I spoke to some people around me and a lot of people told me to just finish the year at uni. By March I couldn’t do it anymore. I left London and came back home, a little bit lost, but just happy I was away from there. I started working full time, it wasn’t ideal but I enjoyed it, I had good work mates. I found out about a one year course at a different college, with teachers who had taught me in my theatre company. Working full time for a few months was hard, but it made me SO motivated. I’d lost myself the past few years and forgotten what was important to me. I knew then that I HAD to get in to drama school. All these paths weren’t right for me, they were great learning curves, amazing life experience but I never stopped thinking I wanted to be an actor. The one year acting course was the best idea I ever made. I was surrounded by staff and students who all wanted us to be in drama school. I worked on my speeches every day. I looked for new ones everyday. I wrote on a piece of paper and stuck on my wall ‘Be brave, work hard, remind yourself what you want DAILY, Get in to drama school, Dream Hard, Work Harder’ It’s still on my wall now, I looked at it every day and was the most focused and dedicated I have ever been. I woke up at half 6 to get up and travel an hour to college, I stayed there until 5, I stayed extra hours to go over my monologues, I went to extra classes and worked with dance teachers and movement teachers, I branched out on the type of courses I was looking for. And that’s where I saw it ‘East 15 BA acting and Physical Theatre’. The course loooked amazing. After Metamorphosis I thought I could really do something like that. I was always a dancer before, and I loved acting so I thought this would be perfect for me. I worked hard. I went to the audition and worked even harder. I was myself completely, I did everything I could and came away from the recall feeling really good about myself and how it had gone. 4 days later I heard.. I GOT IN! Finally, after my very bloody bumpy journey, I had been accepted into drama school. I was finally going to be training as an actor all day everyday. This meant the world to me and it felt so right.

As I’m writing this it’s summer after my first year of drama school. It’s been a rollercoaster. It’s bloody hard, but the best thing that's ever happened to me. I’ve met the most incredible people. Spending all day everyday with like minded people is amazing and I met my amazing boyfriend too. Life is funny sometimes. I don’t think anything is ever straight forward. Yes it would have been great to finish college at 18 and go straight to drama school but I wouldn’t be the person I am today with out all the little bumps and turns along the way. I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason, I was meant to start drama school at this time and I am ready to train and become professional.  I’ll write a post shortly about my first year and the types of things I learnt but I wanted to share my journey to get to drama school. It’s a long one I know but life is never simple. Still,  I am so grateful for my unique little journey, and wouldn’t have it any other way. EE x