#STOP IM BEING TORTURED
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my initial knee jerk reaction to lucanis/spite saying "family, enemies, contracts" was bad because it felt like an oversimplification but actually thinking on it i really love that lucanis forces himself into this box to make things make sense in his life. family is unconditional, enemies are to be killed, but contracts is so. interesting... man who promises mila that he will find her father because he does not fail contracts. the same man who tells effe that he will kill her slaver because he needs to turn her from a poor young woman that he sympathises with, into someone he can make a deal with. it's not kindness, it's not weakness, he's just fulfilling a contract, and crows don't break contracts. if he kills a bunch of racist blood mages during that process, then he's not breaking the rules, just bending them. a very convenient excuse to be a good man while still being a crow and assassin. and of course when spite is forced into him, he gets out of it with something familiar! by making another deal! something he could work with, something he HAS to work with, because being just an abomination is unthinkable. if he can work himself out of this problem like he's done with every other contract in his life, in his mind maybe there's some tiny chance that this becomes another job that he can claw his life back from.
#like. 'i'm still an assassin. i'm still a crow. this is just a contract.' <- insane torture that involves forcing a spirit into him#i also of course see this backfiring hard when he gets out of the ossuary and it stops being a deal to survive#and a lot more of 'jesus fuck. im possessed.' and its a contract that no longer becomes about getting out but his actual future#and what that means for him. which triggers that spiral of self doubt and insecurity about rejection and disgust from 'family'#just. such a warped perception of the world that it HAS to be a contract is interesting to me#even rook/the companions starting as a contract and turning into family. the progression there must have been interesting right#especially with the weight he seems to place on promises. fun!!!!!#lucanis dellamorte#txt#when i heard the line i was like 'ooh! fun!' -> 'hmm. actually don't like that' -> (weeks later) 'nvm its fine again'
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I bring to thee some quick late night Viktuuri sketches because I think we could all use some fluff
#some viktuuri for the soul!#my blorbos are always in my mind even if im not creating for them in that moment#they never leave <3#their eepy leepiness is a reflection of moi and i love their eepy leepiness for them i hope theyre getting some great naps#just some calm and quiet#love that for them#also this isnt the first time i draw in like two months what are you talking about?#the last art i posted totally wasnt from the 14th of march shhhhh the date on the post is definitely wrong source trust me#no but like i have been so dead for months#dont expect to see much art from me before july when my break starts and i can stop being stressed out of my mind#now i can be one of those tortured artist types except i havent done any art to communicate how sad i am#tbh im just tired i just wanna sleep#am i gonna? youre funny of course not but now i can at least pretend my awake time was vaguely productive#yuri on ice#yuri on ice fanart#fanart#art#arom antix art#arom antix#viktor nikiforov#kastuki yuuri#viktuuri
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just got into transformers and honestly the main thing thats made me all giggly nonstop is the idea of disecting starscream in my basement 😭. the knowledge/toolset youd need to have to dissect + study a live technorganic being is exactly the one i have! yes keeping a sentient being in my basement is morally wrong and ethically torture but id basically have a friend to bicker with and a science expiriment all in one. so sad transformers arent real i have SO MANY IDEAS on what to do. hell if robot genetics are similar to human ones i could harvest metal from him using like. computer crispr. or even synthesize it using my knowledge of Nuclear Whatevers!! and upload my conciousness into my own transformer to escape my chronic pain!!! i could do anything!!! YES i just started taking my meds again (i feel happy for the first time in weeks) NO they are NOT mood stabilizers. imagine id literally have a captive audience to whatever i wanna talk on about (while mapping analogs to a nervous/endocrine system that might use different frequencies + code instead of chemicals and dna??? i NEED to do the robot of open air brain surgery on him RIGHT NOW!). i could just be like "heres the only song i know on the guitar senorita 😏" and since his vountary motor controls were disconnected from his cpu and his auditory processor was on my work bench bc he kept calling me robot slurs i could just do it! ofc if id get caught id say sir i was just being too silly. plus hes committed millions of years worth of war crimes i think being disected in my basement and being annoyed to death is not entirely unfounded. gosh even just writing this i came up with 12 new expiriments i could perform. no ethics is not involved.
#transformers#starscream#tf starscream#maccadams#im always thinking about unethical expiriments#i might actually be a mad scientist#god gave me crippling levels of empathy to stop me from doing this shit#if yall wanna know how my brain works its always something like this. 8 different fields of science and infinite blorbos#all spinning around in a carosel of death at a million miles of hour while being tortured#PLUS constant moral obessions and checks and guilt and compulsions BEACUSE OF THIS!#its midnight i need to stop eating candy and making cute cat dolls i need sleep not blood blorbos rn
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I've disappointed everyone.
I failed as a daughter.
Failed as a student.
Failed as a friend.
Failed as a sister.
Failed as a lover.
Failed at everything. Even with myself.
#sorry for being depressing#self h@rm#pane#im sorry#sorry#sorry not sorry#i'm sorry#tw depressing stuff#depressing shit#tw depressing thoughts#i love torturing myself#stop torturing me#hell is a teenage girl#help#i cant do this#i cant#i cant sleep#i cannot#fix me please#failed#family#student#my truth#myself
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Thoughts about dramatrio as a forever viewer (and occasionally bad and baghera viewer)
RP WISE!!!! DON'T GO BOTHER THE CC'S
From q!forever's perspective, you can see how the dramatrio was always a duo and not a trio. qbad and qbaghera do not trust forever, and if they do, they don't trust him enough for their secrets.
- They never supported qforever during his presidency (qbad did vote for him, tho). qbad always complained about everything forever did, even tho qforever always tried to listen to him and everyone else.
- qbaghera did not told him the secret about her childhood, but she told qbad. Just like bad didn't tell qforever about the fed worker he kidnapped but he told qbaghera.
- "Oh but qforever took his waystone first" he did that because he asked for an item and no one helped him, so he got tired of helping people but no one helping him
- Also, qbaghera is dapper's mom, and qbad is pomme's dad. qforever was never included in this conversation.
- They say forever will get easily manipulated by the federation because he's the president, but yesterday both bad and baghera said they don't think cucurucho is bad
- They both banned forever from their houses
Anyway, they like to have forever around for the fun part of it, to joke and all but when stuff get serious they don't tell him anything and keep talking about him behind his back. And the only people that actually trust qforever is the favelafive
#i saw people saying that qbaghera was in a lose lose situation yesterday but idk you tell bad but you dont tell forever???#'oh because hes the president“ when did qforever ever betrayed his best friends??? during the whole pill arc he still tried to help cellbit#also the whole argument goes to shit because now bad and baghs are saying cucurucho isnt bad as if he didn't lock up phil or torture cellbi#this was always a duo during the serious moments and only blind people dont see this and say qforever is acting like a child#and i think this started when q!forever hit leo during his attack but even tho he redeemed himself foolish doesnt hate him for that#and has forgiven him somehow baghera and bad dont and they have this idea that forever is impulsive even tho he can be quite the strategist#when he wants and again he always does everything for everyone and theres zero retribution from them i mean forever literally did that part#for bad two days ago and told he would try to make bad and baghera happy even tho he doesnt know whats going on with them bc they dont tell#anyway im tired of forever being the good guy always i need him to actully wake up and just stop caring#qsmp#qbaghera#qbadboyhalo#qforever
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I will forever maintain that Jason would've been fine and Not a vigilante without Bruce making him Robin
#''bruce never recruited any kids for his mission/war'' falls apart immediately when u consider jason's backstory im ngl#jason todd#my dc posting#his whole character to me is breaking the conventions of the medium#batman#like i hate how ppl treat others like theyre ridiculous when they even dare to critique bruce in any way#i am capable of suspending my disbelief and accepting some things in fiction as okay even if they wouldnt be irl#its the viewers responsibility to meet stories whre theyre at#but its also the story's responsibility to upkeep that yknow?#''child/teen sidekicks are okay n not morally dubious'' okay :D yay :3#then one of them gets brutally murdered by a villain and im like. yeah uhh no. cant do that anymore 👍sorry#''they all became vigilantes on their own bruce couldnt have stopped them'' yall under the impression bruce hates kid heroes n wants them#properly safe n is just doing damage control/harm prevention#when hes more the lines of encouraging them#difference between ''i cant stop u from doing this so ill make it as safe as i can'' and#''im actively going to encourage you to do this dangerous thing''#i have many opinions n im ngl theyre constantly shifting n they depend on a lot#im not gonna hate on lego batman for robin thats a goddamn childrens movie who tf gives a shit#comics are fair game tho. have u seen what gows on in there.#bruce couldve stopped jason from being a vigilante n instead encouraged him is the hill i will fucking die on#the victim blaming of jason has Got to stoppp its the worst thing ever#also just to remind everyone. ''a good soldier''.#wow a character blames themselves for the death of their child and to torture themselves they put the words 'good soldier' on their memorial#anyway if you even dare to think abt the implications ure stupid n#like do u hear urself whattt
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i need to be picked up and put in my home biome right the fuck now
#what do you mean i cant see a mountain from here#i read like eight papers today on human modification of landscapes specifically intentional burning#and i was like. jesus christ#i neeeeeeeed to be on the west coast again!!!#we do it different etc#im being tortured tantalus style by this list of native species of the central coast range!!!!!!!#stop mentioning places i live and native plants i know ill cryyyyyyyyy#robin wall kimmerer the ecology writer of allllll time you have changed how i think about place so much#i need to see a redwood or sequoia tree or ill throw up#(technically they are sequoias but whatev.)
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i had no clue i would draw him again. but well, what am i gonna do with 3 hours of newfound knowledge about this one arg? Nothing? AS IF
Close ups below
#i havent drawn in so long#so this is a little warm up#behavioral event network#ben drowned#ben drowned arg#jadusable#jadusable arg#ben drowned creepypasta#hope.png#this entire ramble has alot of spoilers beware#tbh i wouldve liked this one more if it wasnt too convoluted#like it intrigued me the moment i started watching but as time went by it started getting a bit#boring isnt the word but i wasnt really enjoying it as much#i really liked the idea that it tortured the person psychologically instead of physically like almost all of the creepypastas back then#the third arc was the one i didnt like the most#and all of the stuff about timelines merging even if it was just digital it still really confusing to me#and when the reveal#spoilers btw#of BEN being an AI made me really disapointed i stopped watching entirely for a whole day#idk why. i wasnt angry about it just really disapointed#but the ending was really sweet i liked it!#for me#if it was just like the haunted cartridge arc sprinkled a bit of the moon children arc and the ending it wouldve been smth i liked more#i think it would be interesting if the origins of BEN were unknown so ppl would theorize. ppl say we get more scared of the things we dont-#-know#but after all i give this a little 6-7ish/10#im so sorry for ramblingg!! it will happen again!
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random thought but
as someone who had terrible people-pleasing tendencies for the entirety of their life and who only recently has begun their ‘villain era’ by finally listening to themselves, not others, i find it weirdly helpful to have lucio as my main interest right now — a character whose own desires and needs are his top priorities and who doesn’t hesitate to express it and to act accordingly, ever. it is some heavy egocentrism in his case and it does lead to many disastrous consequences until he knows better hsjhsjk but still, the thought gives me comfort and somehow reminds me to put my needs and feelings above others’ expectations of me, motivating me to speak up for myself more, to be my own advocate
#you know you’re fucked up when lucio is your role model#but maybe lucio would pat me on the back for this :)#and honestly. i do get amazed when i think of how easy it is for him to take up space for himself#especially comparing it to my own attempts to take up space that feel like some weird torture#ok if i continue further this will turn to oversharing so im stopping now#back to being silly#rambling#vent post
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attempting to finish chapter 4 right now and using all my inner strength to not do this:
#im sorry this has become a hunter s thompson side blog at this point#hes so real for this#i can truly say that now i get where hes coming from THIS IS FECKING TORTURE#okay im being dramatic#things are going. interestingly.#words are sometimes just very tricky fish to catch#<-the fecking hell does that even mean??#ahhh STOP PROCRASTINATING GET BACK ON GOOGLE DOCS#inhaler#fic writing#writing problems#my fic#hunter s thompson
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This Friday we did some real exercises (I'm absolutely useless when it comes to doing exercise)
It's Monday and my legs still don't work
#rad thoughts#exercise#sorry exercise enthusiasts out there 💀#I honestly hate doing exercise 😭#IT JUST HURTS SM HELP#I AM REGRETTING JOINING THAT EXERCISE GROUP SO BADLY RN#they said it'll be fun! YEAH YES VERY FUN#how is being unable to move properly without feeling excruciating for more than 3 days fun ⚰️#IT AIN'T FUN TO ME IT'S LEGIT TORTURE ☠️#I was honestly about to break down in tears while doing the exercises WHEEZEE#BUT RAD THE FITNESS! YEAH I KNOW BUT I DON'T MIND MY BELLY IM OK WITH THE BELLY 😭#(oh yeah legit it's real good to do exercise to keep your weight in check cuz yeah being too overweight is bad for health and all that yup#(in my case my weight is alr so yeah)#(I guess I just need to do exercise to stop being so sedentary or something lol)#NOT ME JUST SITTING ON A CHAIR ALL DAY DRAWING ⚰️#pain#funny#funny thoughts#radaverse
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everyone needs to know about consequence. everyone needs to see consequence. everyone needs to know consequence. what do you mean it does not show up in the chapter im writing and also potentially the next one
#lucky.pdf#odile stop changing like every aspect of the usual beginning of the time loop Loop One (she will continue to do this)#i could prob sneak consequence at the end of uhh chapter 4. god#im a slow writer you cant have me think that far ahead im already being tortured by the fact that all the later stuff will be. so far#fcic
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Ough
#vent post#why can i not. look tbe way i wwnt#starts violently biting adn tearing at the fabrics arounf me#what the.freak!!!#ehy does everything always hurtall the time#tweaking out#gang the demons are getting my ass again#if i suddenly dropped dead that would fix me i think#i feel like such a fucking bitch for being unhappy with my weight because like. idk. is it fatphobic?? ive heard it be called that before#and also other ppl who have similar weights to mine are happy so. why should i not be#i giggle and i laugh and i joke but why am i actuayly like this browgat the freak#alsow hy am i soo fucked in the head#im like “teehee i just got silly as i grew!” HELL NAH. i was a lil fucked in the head as a KID😭😭😭😭😭#i remember going to bed one night and my mom was gonna read a chapter of a book to me and i specifically chose the torture chapter and it#caused a huge argument in the family#and i also drew SO MUCH GORE in elementary school#like girl😭🙏you have never been exposed to this. what is up with u#there are also a bunch of other instances but my vent art back then was also wild. as in more gore#now its just weirdly abstract with bright colors and a lota eyes#lots. lots of eyes.#whwre was i going with this#idk i hate my head. my little fucked up little brain#the way i think is crazy because emotions are usually depicted as scenes or images or feelings(its different than emotion trust)#and theres still blood. theres so much gory shit in my head. like girl get out of there!!! thats not where u belong!!!!!!#and then also the daydreams#ougghh the daydreams....#i hate the daydreams i wabt them to stop so bad but i physically cannot and also they r one of my few sources of comfort ESPECIALLY in#situations i cant get out of or distract myself in any other way#and sometimes its fine but also sometimes they fucking suck and its scary because im not here im THERE and so much shit happens there#lore drop
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getting out of my bed is ALWAYS a mistake <3
#give them an inch they'll take a mile#they always have to ruin everything#i just have to start the topic of ''uh so about dinner...'' and instead of perhaps. supposing.#that their kid struggling w various eating disorders might be already kinda stressed about the whole thing#they just go ooooooh yeah why not dine out tonight#FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU#why have you completely stopped giving a single flying shit about what might be difficult for me#the very second i started being able to control the VISIBLE UNSTOPPABLE PANIC#why does something have to be litterally the end of the world for me for you to fucking care for once#why is this the only way to have quality time with my own goddamn parents. mandated enabled binge sesh.#I KNOW IM THE PROBLEM#TRUST ME I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUT OF EACH OTHERS LIVES EITHER#BUT IN THE MEANTIME YOU COULD FUCKING TRY TO NOT TRAP ME INTO IMPROMPTU TORTURE SESSIONS#LESS THAN SIX MONTHS BEFORE IM OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOREVER HOPEFULLY#YOU SIGNED UP TO MAKE SOME SACRIFICES WHEN YOU HAD A KID CMON DONT GIVE UP NOW#im. god. i know i shouldnt hate them for that. they do make sacrifices and efforts.#just entierly the wrong sacrifices and efforts that don't ever fucking help#they're full of love but goddamn are they awful at raising a child#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Telling people you're Christian: Blasè, dated, wrong. Instant dislike.
Telling people you're a true follower of Christ: Idk... What I'm saying but I'm trying to make a point about Christians not actually following the teachings of Christ and if they were True followers then they wouldn't be so far up everyone's ass with controlling and hateful policies like...
Homophobes think more about gay sex than actual gay people! And they're way too concerned about genitals.... and they're really creepy about children... ACTUAL children.
The projection is REAL. The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! You're the problem! You're the person you're scared of!
They freak out over people "forcing trans on kids" as if they themselves aren't forcing unnecessary surgeries onto Intersex babies!!! Transphobes are the ones forcing kids to transition!!
If they truly believed in their "God" then they would not mutilate intersex babies! Because they would believe God made them that way and that they were special or whatever idfk.
IT ISN'T ABOUT THE BIBLE! THEY JUST WANT CONTROL!!! How the FUCK are you gonna say something was "God's plan" and then mutilate a baby?!?!? They deny their children life-saving medical treatment bc it's "God's plan" but then in the same breath mutilate intersex babies... put them on hormones that make them sick... just so they can be "normal".
#I've actually read the bible... studied it at one point#I was reeeallly good at bible verse trivia#and let me tell you#Jesus was not hateful#he literally allowed people to torture him to death and he didn't once fight back like?#what bible did the conservatives read? cause Im gettinf really sick of this shit#they're using New Testament verses to justify their hate#when in the SAME FUCKING PASSAGE just a few lines down there's a verse about plucking your eyes out for being a perv#Jesus's best friend was a WHORE! A prostitute!!! like?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN!?#it isn't about the Bible.... It's about control and hate#some of the most devout Catholics I knew were not homophobic#so it isn't about your religion#it was never about religion#religion#christianity#jesus#tagging like this for filters#they mutilate babies#even the cisnormie babies... they chop off fingers and toes to make them look 'normal'#im so mad#stop using Christ as your shield... you and I will be standing side by side when the rapture comes#and I will laugh at you as you beg God to take you because you 'followed hia teachings'. only for you to be denied the light of heaven#but not before you look at me and sneer. bc you assume I'm getting left behind for having a tattoo and being queer#and we'll just look at each other. and I'll laugh as you sob. Trying to figure out why you were left behind with me#Hevean is sparsely populated and Hell is full to the brim. amd it's full of 'Christians' who embodied Hate#screaming into the void
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I am rotating Light so hard in my head rn girlies who just straight up fucking torture ppl cause she can
#rat rambles#rain posting#oc posting#I <3 iterator gore and body horror if I was a better artist Id draw the horrors shes inflicted on some of these poor bastards#Im also brainstorming ideas for some more iterator ocs both so I can have more iterator ocs who arent chronically offline and so that I can#make them be some of lights victims and put them through some truly horrific shit#light vc omg haiii I saw you noticed some of the organisms I pumped into your bloodstream finally Ive been waiting sooo long to show this#stuff off so feel free to give mild resistance to my demands so I have an excuse to permanently disfigure your puppet :3#I have one girlie vaguely conceptulaized and some vague ideas for the sort of roles I want the others to have in their lil friend group but#its all still very very vague concepts Ill have to brainstorm some more to get more solid ideas for them#in the meantime Ive also been thinking of some potential unparalleled innocence hc stuff#nothing super concrete but I am slowly building some new hcs that will relate to the tortured girlie I have some ideas for#but yeah I had a blast telling my friends abt synchronized light today and getting my intended reaction of aw thats cute that turns into#horror as I progress down the timeline#my intent with these two is for them to initially come across as rly fun and cute and just generally very easy to connect to only for the#immediate second layer to their characters to fucking evicerate all of those feelings#also parasite horror is both some of my favorite (cause its horrifying) and least favorite (cause I can get legitimately paranoid) shit#and just the image of being an iterator and realizing that there is malicious shit inside of you that you werent able to immediately detect#is so delightfully fun to me especially considering how vulnerable a lot of these iterators probably already felt just letting the#construction and repairs happen only to find out that that vulnerability Was abused horrifically and that its far too late to stop it#anyways I need to go talk to myself in the shower to brainstorm some more lol
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