#SPOTIFY YOU'VE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME.

[caracello]

I'VE BEEN BEING DEPRIVED OF TWO WHOLE ROYAL BLOOD SONGS AND I NEVER EVEN KNEW??!?!!!!

[cobaltperun]

Eternal Flame (8) - City Lights

Jenna Ortega x Female Reader

Summary: For her it’s a passion, for you it’s an accident. And as she continues shining brighter and brighter with each role you are left mesmerized, drawn to her flame and cherishing every time she lets herself be vulnerable with you.

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Masterlist / First Part / Previous part / Next Part

Word Count: 8.1k

-So when I touch that sky, will the ladder break? And who will be there on my fall from grace?-

You managed to dry your hair a lot easier and quicker than you thought you would, but you still remained in the bathroom, trying to calm your nerves down. This was it. You were at Jenna's house, you've sort of met her family, or at least a part of it, and you made things a bit awkward. Which was not what you wanted to do, and the last thing you wished for right now was to make things even more awkward. Your wishes meant nothing, however, because the way you would be meeting them now would be doing exactly that. It would be bizarre, absolutely ridiculous, because you wouldn't be coming in from the outside, you would be coming from upstairs, where just to make it even more awkward, their bedrooms were, down to the living room.

If you weren't so nervous it probably would have crossed your mind that it looked like Jenna had brought her lover over to her home in the middle of the night. And now that lover was coming down to meet her family after a long night together.

Damn rain.

Embarrassment and awkward meetings aside, the pain was also getting a bit uncomfortable, so you reached into your bag and downed two pills to help you with the pain. “OK, I can do this,” you whispered, and took several deep breaths, just to buy yourself a bit more time. Finally, you plucked up the courage and went back to Jenna's room to see her hastily folding her shirts. She was chewing on her lower lip, and you figured she was even more embarrassed than you. You weren't lying to her, you really did find this endearing and it really wasn't as messy as she thought it was.

Jenna looked up when she heard the doors closing, you probably should have knocked, but in your defense she left the doors opened. She looked you over, pretty much checking you out as you wore the light gray shirt that belonged to her father. It was a bit big for you, since as strong as you were you had more of a lean build than a bulky one, but it would do.

“You look nervous,” she pointed out and walked up to you, but there was no denying that both of you were feeling like that.

You just shrugged, hoping to play it cool, more for your own sake than any other reason. “I'm not really used to meeting the family,” you admitted, having no troubles in expressing how you felt about this. You wanted to meet them, you were eager to do so, but there definitely was some sort of nervousness about the entire ordeal. After all, you did have feelings for Jenna.

Jenna smiled and slowly, rather gently, caressed your cheek. “They’ll love you, just like-“ and she paused, catching herself before she could finish that sentence but you could see it in the startled expression on her face and the way her hand froze. If anyone asked you, you wouldn’t be able to say what exactly happened, but you were overcome with feelings and in that moment you just pulled her in holding her tightly and actually lifting her up. Jenna, though for a moment startled by the display affection, quickly hugged you back, squeezing you tightly around your shoulders and neck. She took a deep breath as she buried her face in the crook of your neck. “-like I do,” she finished that sentence and kissed your cheek. “And I really, really do love you a lot,” she whispered her voice shaky, the tone of it trembling and betraying the slight insecurity she felt.

“I love you too. Jenna, you mean so much to me,” you couldn't even begin to describe everything she meant to you. Even if you found the words that could describe your feelings, you couldn't tell her without telling her about the fights. And at that moment, as you felt both the warmth of her presence, and the pain from the bruises, you came to a startling realization. You trembled for a moment, almost overcome by the sense of clarity that you suddenly got. You were almost ready to just give it all up, to push through and quit fighting, to end the cycle and find a way, any way you could, to actually feel worthy of loving her.

“Y/N,” your name fell from her lips, and you were fairly certain no one had ever nor will anyone ever speak your name as sweetly as she did.

“Jenna what's taking so long? Oh shit, sorry,” the two of you were suddenly interrupted by Jenna’s younger sister, Aliyah, coming in and you quickly separated.

Jenna cleared her throat as she tried to calm her rapidly beating heart down and gestured toward Aliyah. “This is my younger sister, Aliyah,” she then gestured at you while slightly glaring at her sister. “Aliyah, this is Y/N,” she introduced the two of you each other since you were already in the same room. Might as well get one introduction out of the way.

You quickly offered Aliyah your hands and she shook. “It's nice to meet you,” you said and she nodded, an amused smile spreading on her face as she looked from you to Jenna.

“Guess I don't get a hug, do I?” she teased, and with the way Jenna looked down and slapped her forehead you just knew this wasn’t going to be the only teasing you and Jenna were going to get. “Reeree, I told you to warn me if you needed a room to yourself,” oh, this was the absolute disaster, she was even more direct about it than Enrique. She might even be able to give Barbara a run for her money, and she was what? Sixteen? You shivered at the thought of all the teasing you and Jenna might have to endure when she gets older, or in the even worst case scenario, she ends up teaming up with Barbara.

“That’s not what was going on!” Jenna cried out and just as Aliyah was about to open her mouth again Jenna grabbed your hand and pulled you out. “Not a single word, we are going down so Y/N can meet everyone else!” Jenna put a stop to whatever Aliyah was going to say and you let Jenna pull you along as Aliyah laughed behind the two of you.

Yeah, this was happening, you were about to meet the family.

~X~

Fire. That's exactly how Jenna would describe what was going on between the two of you. Even now, though she could no longer feel your hands around her, she still felt like her skin was burning, yearning for the same sensation she got when you held her. The same sensation she was trying to invoke by holding your hand right now, but it just wasn't enough. She wanted more, she wanted that warmth to be surrounding her again, to feel it consuming her from the inside. It was both a physical and an emotional need, and they were both fulfilled at the same time when she felt your touch. And it felt so damn good, so addictive.

She glanced back at you, noticing the way your eyes were focusing on your hands, locked together as you walked just a bit behind her, and she wondered what you were thinking. You felt this too, didn’t you? Jenna found herself wondered if the two of you would have kissed if only you were given a few extra minutes, because she certainly felt like she was ready for that step.

You lifted her up so easily. And the way you held her, she couldn't even describe it properly. The closest description she could come up with was that you held her like you had nothing more precious in your life than her. And it almost frightened her with how intense and raw it was, how genuine and vulnerable you could be. Not to mention how you responded to her own vulnerability not by making her feel ashamed for acting like that but by supporting her through it and letting her see that you were perfectly fine with her being vulnerable.

And she wanted it almost desperately. She wanted to feel all of that with you, to feel all of those emotions, only unrestrained by this friendship, because as raw and intense as it was there was this restraint put on it all by the label you both put on your relationship. And she could no longer avoid accepting that she wanted that restraint gone.

Jenna knew, she one hundred percent knew, that if circumstances were any different, if you were alone, at her place in LA or at your place, and if that happened there that she wouldn’t just kiss you. No, she would have done so much more, letting you do whatever you wanted to do to her. She swallowed the lump in her throat, forcing her mind out of the gutter.

And to try and keep those thoughts at bay, because she wouldn’t be a hormonal teenager right now, she went and looked back at you. Because of course that would help push those thoughts away.

As she led you down the stairs, she caught you taking her childhood home in, looking at the photos her parents hung on the walls. There were many of them, after all they were a big family, and the photos showed that. There were photos of her, her siblings and her parents, as well as her nephews and even some of her extended family. Her mom loved keeping the memories through the photos and Jenna wished she could get into that habit as well. Every special occasion was accompanied with the photo, and she wondered how your own parents house was. Were there photos of you while you were filming Logan or maybe when you finished high school or maybe other things like that? Or maybe your parents were more of a ‘keeping things in memory’ kind of couple, instead of hanging everything on the walls and keeping the physical reminders of those times.

Jenna wanted to meet them. To see for herself the kind of people that raised you and made you the way you were right now. With how loving you were they must have done something right. In a way, and perhaps she just noticed it today, you treated every moment with people you loved like it could be the last one. And not in the negative way. It was just that when you cared for someone and could also relax all of your attention was on that someone.

And that realization brought those desires right back to the front of her mind. How deeply and passionately would you love someone if you treated friends like that? Jenna wondered what you were thinking right now, she wondered if you wanted her as much as she wanted you. Somehow a thought crossed your mind that you wanted her even more. And it made that warmth from the spreading through her like a flame that would never extinguished.

When the two of you reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped back into the living room, she saw the table was set, with her dad already sitting there at the head of the table, while her mom and Markus were watching a football game. It was like her family was creating a sort of a bubble around them, hoping to have a moment of normalcy before your presence sort of shattered it into pieces. After all, they all probably saw right through her and by now knew this wasn't just her inviting friends over.

Jenna cleared her throat and the bubble the family was happily in burst as they all turned to look at you and Jenna.

“Uh, hello, again” you said and raised your hand to wave slightly. That nervous grin on your face was honestly more than a little endearing to Jenna. She found this a bit more shy and reserved side of you to be a surprise, if she was honest. You've always had this air of confidence and ‘I can do anything’ kind of attitude, but here you were, meeting her family and acting a bit like a dork, which was something she could definitely enjoy seeing more often.

Jenna’s mom was the first to get up, seeing as she met you briefly. It was clear all of you were trying to ignore that you came back from upstairs and how it looked. “Y/N, it’s good to see you again,” she came up to you and surprisingly pulled you into a brief hug. You returned it, but Jenna could see you were genuinely surprised by this greeting.

“Jenna can’t shut up about you,” Jenna’s sister, Aliyah, chimed in behind you. Oh, right, she came downstairs with the two of you, and now she was going to turn Jenna's day from very, very pleasurable to potentially ‘The Teasing from Hell - Part 2: The Return of Enrique’s Disciple’.

It was one hell of a miracle that he wasn’t here as well, since he promised he’d be here to watch the show and tease her. Not that it mattered. Aliyah was here to fill in for him. Why couldn’t Aliyah be her natural shy self instead of relishing in the opportunity to tease her?

“I can!” Jenna quickly retorted and turned away from you. She did not deny that she was talking about you though, she just couldn’t deny it, or, honestly, shut up about you. She's been talking about you meeting her family ever since she plucked up the courage to tell then you were coming, and she would be the first to admit it was a bit annoying.

“Sure you can, Jenna,” Markus teased her and just like that her younger brother came up to you and greeted you, and all that was left was her dad.

The man came out of the dining room and looked you over, studying you, And Jenna herself got nervous imagining how you must have felt under his gaze. He was a cop, after all, and worst of all Jenna wasn't sure exactly what he was looking for. She just noticed he focused on your hand, and not the left hand she was holding, but rather on your right hand, and your knuckles in particular. Jenna couldn't quite figure it out, but he frowned for a moment. “You do lots of martial arts, don't you?” he asked, and Jenna couldn’t figure out how looking at your fist told him that, and sure, he heard about it from Jenna, but it looked like he would have figured it out from looking at your fist.

“Yes, I've been practicing different martial arts for several years now. Since I was roughly thirteen,” you replied casually, and her dad nodded. Frankly, she wasn't sure what else he was expecting.

“Welcome, Y/N, nice to meet you,” after what felt like eternity he went and offered his hand to you, and you accepted it.

“It’s nice meeting you all,” you said, now sounding a lot more confident than before and she breathed out a small sigh of relief because this was more along the lines of what she expected from you.

“Come on you two, let’s eat,” her mom told the two of you, and while still holding hands Jenna and you followed the rest of her family to the table. Just like before you went and pulled the chair out for her, now feeling a lot more in your element, as you pretty much, and very likely now that she thought about it, ignored the stares of her family and just focused on doing what you did the best. Making Jenna feel seen, cared for, and accepted.

“Thanks,” this time she had to hold from tugging you down so you could hug her again and instead just patted you on the back of your hand as you pushed her chair in.

“Anytime,” you said and sat down on the chair to her left.

~X~

The lunch was, in one word, amazing. Natalie was an incredible cook, both when it came to variety and the taste, making a wide array of Mexican food as well as several other dishes. You honestly weren’t even sure where to start as Jenna put the food on your plate. Natalie and Aliyah were sitting on the other side of the table, while Markus sat to your left and Edward sat at the head of the table, on Jenna’s right side.

“Thanks, Jen,” you thanked her before you all started eating, you missed the smile on Natalie’s face at the nickname you kept using.

“Could you pass me the hot sauce?” she asked pointing at the sauce close to you. By the looks of it, you both slipped right back into the old habits from the set of Scream.

“Sure,” you handed it to her, and then put it back where it was when she poured it over her tacos. She definitely loved spicy food, and you were still amazed with how well she could handle hot food.

“The food is amazing, Natalie,” you complimented as you swallowed the first bite of your own taco. It was good that Jenna told you in advance her mom was the one who prepared the food.

“Thanks, Y/N,” Natalie nodded and smiled at the compliment.

“Told you, you have competition,” Jenna pointed out. “Too bad I couldn’t save a single piece of that cake for you.”

“I don’t know, this is a tough act to follow,” and you were being honest, you could cook, but this was truly something. “But, challenge accepted, I need to have all of you over for a dinner sooner or later,” and you would actually put extra effort into that dinner. Cooking wouldn’t be an issue, the main trouble would be how you could handle finding enough space for all of them, because your apartment definitely wasn't fit for a huge family. Well, you would figure something out when the time comes.

“Count me in, I need to see if Jenna was exaggerating,” Aliyah promised you and you grinned a bit when Jenna groaned and lowered her head. “I'm telling you, she just keeps yapping on and on about you! I wasn't kidding when I said I told her to tell me if she needed the room to herself,” you shrunk a bit in your seat because of Aliyah’s words. Both the fact that Jenna talked about you so much and the implications of the second part making you feel more than a bit embarrassed.

“I don't need the room to myself!” Jenna exclaimed, blushing like crazy when she said that, and you closed your eyes. Yet, even with your eyes closed you could see it coming from a mile away, that was just the interlude into the real tease.

“Considering what I caught the two of you doing, I'm not so sure,” there. There it was. And the silence that followed those words was deafening, and you could feel Jenna's parents looking right at you.

“You should probably run,” Jenna’s brother, Markus told you and your eyes widened as you looked at him and he just nodded. “It was good meeting you,” he wasn’t even joking! Jenna had dry humor, but this guy was just being serious!

“We were just hugging!” Jenna cried out, hoping to prevent the potential harm that could fall upon you and you nodded as quickly as you could. Now that you were thinking about it, well that wasn't really going in your favor either, because you spent hours with Jenna alone and somehow you were still hugging. Could it have been nothing? Absolutely! It could have been just a friendly display of affection between friends. Yet the circumstances weren't in your favor, and you found yourself staring blankly at Aliyah.

“What have I ever done to you?” you mouthed and she just shrugged. You were met with us sorry not sorry look in her eyes.

“Right, that happened,” Natalie turned back to her plate hoping to lower the tensions and the blood pressure of her husband, and then she looked at you again. “So, Y/N, can you tell us a bit about your family?”

Someone please bring the teasing back.

You froze for a moment, nearly dropping the fork in your hand. “Sure, sure,” your voice cracked as you were suddenly put on a spot. “Yeah, of course. I am an only child,” you could feel Jenna’s eyes on you, you could feel everyone’s attention on you, even more so with that initial reaction, and you looked at Jenna, partly to calm down and in the process catching the genuinely surprised look in her eyes. She clearly didn't expect you to freeze like that, and you definitely didn't blame her. You didn't think she could even begin to imagine that your parents were no longer alive.

“And your parents? What do they do?” Edward asked, raising an eyebrow but brushing the reaction off as just you being surprised.

“Mom was a pilot and dad worked in cybersecurity,” you replied, voice hoarse as you answered. Back when you were growing up both those jobs, and your parents as well, looked like heroes in your eyes. You looked up to them, always wanting to make them proud, they looked like they were flawless when you were a child. And they made sure you never noticed or suffered because of tension and problems in their marriage, they kept you as protected from those issues as they possibly could. Maybe that was part of the reason why you felt so inadequate and useless when they were gone and you couldn’t do anything, because they created this image of always having answers and solutions, and when it was your turn to do the same you failed.

The bite Jenna took of her salad went and got stuck in her throat and you quickly patted her on the back, which luckily helped. “Sorry. I should have… Fuck, I feel horrible now,” she lowered her head, ashamed and all you felt now was guilt over making her feel like this. She caught it, they all caught it, the fact that you spoke in past tense, combined with the fact that you never mentioned them to Jenna, and how you reacted to the question. There was no doubt about it in anyone’s mind.

“I'm sorry, let's not make this awkward. It was,” you paused, putting your emotions back under control, not letting a single hint of weakness slip through the cracks. “There was an accident and they,” you looked down, forcing those feelings further down, forcing the normality without this conversation back upon you all. “Yeah, it's been a while, I’m fine now,” you tried brushing it off, and fixing the situation. “Jenna told me you've been incredibly supportive of her ever since she was starting out and now of course. I've actually been really curious to know about it,” you tried to get her family to talk about something else and luckily given the nature of the topic that was just breached it looked like everyone was really eager to make things less awkward.

Jenna actually took your hand and squeezed it and she leaned closer to you, letting your shoulders touch and it was like the weight fell from your shoulders and you could once again breathe. No one said a single word about it, not the single teasing remark even though it was in plain sight and you appreciated it, smiling gently at her to show it to her.

~X~

The guilt was absolutely wrecking her from the inside, and she thought back to all of those times she wished she could meet your parents. And sure, you never told her your parents were dead, and there was no way she could have known but at the same time she also felt that she really should have figured out something wasn't completely right. And she noticed it, but she kept trying to come up with different explanation. You came back and only Barbara was in your apartment? You didn’t live with your parents. You forgot about Thanksgiving? Maybe you had a bad relationship with your parents, or they simply didn’t celebrate it. Yet it never crossed her mind that they were taken away from you in what you described as an accident.

How old were you? You said it’s been a while. Were you as old as she was now? Younger? She glanced at Aliyah and Markus, wondering how they would take losing their parents right now? Jenna herself knew she would fall apart if she suddenly lost them, and she probably wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces any time soon. And she’d still have her siblings left! You were an only child, suddenly left without parents!

You were completely honest when you said you didn't want to make things awkward and you did everything humanly possible to get the mood up again and make her family feel no guilt over bringing your parents up. And she barely held back her tears at that. As she realized that whether consciously or unconsciously you felt like there was something wrong with sharing this and still feeling hurt over it, and that you needed to fix it.

And in that single moment of realization Jenna understood she was helpless. For so many reasons, and she couldn’t even turn to her parents for help. After all, her family wasn't exactly the best with handling emotions, especially since you were basically a stranger they only heard about from her. And the worst thing was that she couldn’t help you either. She watched you falling apart on the inside, cracking and trying to pull all the pieces back together like someone just shattered you. All the while she couldn’t do anything and was only reminded of the time she had her panic attack.

You came in and helped her, calmed her down, saved her from those feelings and understood exactly what she needed. Now here she was, seeing you were in pain and completely unable to figure out a way to help you, to make you hurt less. And that feeling only got worse by the realization that you were putting the feelings of her and her family over your own, trying to reset things for their sake. Touching you like this wasn’t enough, this minimal contact did nothing but reveal to her how you were trembling, the slight tremors of your body barely noticeable to those watching you, but she felt it against her.

She had to do something. “Excuse us for a moment,” she quickly got up and you looked at her, startled, as she pulled you to the hall, figuring out it would give you more privacy than the living room that wasn’t even entirely separated from the dining room and the kitchen.

“Jenna,” you began, and she didn’t even need to hear you out, she knew you’d tell her you were fine, so, instead of letting you utter that lie she just pulled you down until your face was buried in her neck.

“I don’t know what to do,” she admitted, only knowing that losing her loved ones was her greatest fear, but not having any idea how to take it that next step further and relate to such a heavy loss. “Don’t hide it from me, please,” she pleaded, her fingers digging into your hair, her lips right next to your ear. “Please, Y/N,” she whispered, no longer even trying to hold her tears back.

And instead of opening up, instead of letting her help you, you brushed her tears away and hugged her. “I’m fine,” you told her, you lied, you weren’t ready to say it, but she could feel the tension in your body lessening just a bit. “I’m fine,” who exactly were you trying to convince? “I’m so sorry, Jenna,” you were so close to telling her something, she could tell, but at the same time deep down she knew this wouldn’t get her anywhere.

Yet you still fell to your knees, and Jenna followed you down, trying her best to hold you up, to keep you from crumbling. “I couldn’t. I had no other choice, I was desperate,” you gasped for air, and she found herself rubbing soft circles in your back, trying to mimic what you did to calm her down.

“I’m with you, I’ve got you,” she whispered, and brushed her thumb along your cheek, thinking she’d brush a tear off, yet there were no tears. “You have me,” and perhaps that lack of tears, the grief cocooned in some impenetrable armor, broke and hurt her the most. You wanted to fall apart in her arms, to let it all out, and you just didn’t know how. “Y/N,” she cried your name out and your breath hitched as you desperately held onto her.

“I can’t stop. Don’t deserve to stop,” you weren’t making sense, and she felt fear creeping into her heart. What couldn’t you stop? Why did she feel like she was losing you to whatever it was, to whatever you thought you didn’t deserve to stop? “Need it. I failed. Couldn’t continue, couldn’t- I- It’s not- I should have,” it wasn’t making sense.

“Please don’t, please just stop,” she pleaded, blurting those words out without realizing what they would mean to you, breaking with every word you spoke. Feeling a pain so visceral it was pushing her to her limits and it almost felt like she was physically hurting. She wanted you to stop, to take a breath and tell her everything properly, to open up and not just crack in random places. And you just shut your mouth. “Hey, hey wait, not like that,” she cried for you, only now realizing you thought she asked you to stop talking entirely. “Y/N, no, don’t. Talk to me,” it was too late, she lost the chance. The cracks sealed up and you just pushed it all down.

She felt you pulling away from her, and she pulled you back in, holding you there with all of her strength, almost clinging to you and keeping you in place with her entire weight. “I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean that,” but your breathing was once again steady and calm.

“Let’s just go back, your family is waiting,” you whispered, pulling her up to her feet and despite her efforts pulling away and smiling at her. “Thanks for trying,” you said and leaned back against the wall, and she shook her head, hugging you and burying her face in your chest, barely caring that her tears would be visible on the light gray shirt.

“This isn’t how I wanted things to go,” she wanted to help you, yet she failed. She didn’t have the right words, didn’t know how to reach you.

“I know,” you rubbed her back, calming her down when it was supposed to be the other way around. You were forcing yourself to be strong for her. Letting her cry her heart out for you.

“Please, I can’t lose you. Couldn’t take it and it felt like I was losing you,” she missed the way your eyes widened at those words. “Don’t want this with anyone else but you,” she wasn’t even sure what ‘this’ was, she just felt it so deep inside her heart. “I want all of you, Y/N,” and she wanted to give you all of her.

“I’ll fix it,” she nearly missed the words you whispered, almost too quietly, despite how close Jenna was to you. She certainly missed the look of absolute resolve in your eyes. Either way, for one hopeful moment she thought you had started talking again, but you didn’t say a single word after that. No. You just let her silently cry until her tears ran out, until your touch filled her with warmth once more, and only then you separated, and you wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Come on, food’s getting cold,” this time you were the one guiding her back to her family, putting on the mask of confidence and acting like what you went through didn’t come out.

So, Jenna would act like it as well, pretending in front of her family that pulling you away from them had a purpose, that it did something good for you, instead of just making you feel like you had to suppress your feelings around her. She would do it, and she wasn’t even sure why. Maybe it was to help her family and prevent them from feeling guilty, maybe there was some other reason, at this point it hardly mattered.

You all seemed to just pretend that single minute at the table never happened.

And Jenna wasn’t sure if she should feel grateful or even more worried for you.

For now she could do nothing but look at you, observe you as you began talking to her family as if nothing happened, and bit by bit she began believing the illusion as well.

As the lunch ended Jenna watched you, almost mesmerized as you talked to her mom about the different foods and recipes. Her heart beat faster as she noticed how you focused on learning which food Jenna loved the most, picking up even more secrets and information that you didn't get to learn while you were on set together. This, you with her family, was something she could easily get used to. There was a slightly selfish part of her that hoped that's maybe one day would consider her family your own family and that it would at least slightly fill the void of loss you’ve been feeling for so long. Maybe that would be the thing to help you through the grief. Maybe she just wasn’t enough on her own.

"Are you kidding me?" your eyes widened, and you turned to Jenna. It was like the cracks never showed up, and you were perfectly fine. "You got apples three times?" you asked incredulously after her mom told you about the misfortune she had when she was doing ads. It wasn’t just your effort to cover up the cracks. It was her family as well, consciously making an effort not to help you with what you were feeling, but to cover it up, unsure what to do if it came up again.

Jenna swallowed the lump in her throat, tears once again threatening to fall as this realization hit her as well. Her family couldn’t fill that void, not without a huge effort on both sides, and while she knew her family loved her and that they would love you, she knew they wouldn’t have the time to put that kind of effort in. And while you were doing your absolute best to reset things back to how they were before they all found out your parents were dead Jenna was once more struggling to do her part.

She was an actress, and right now she needed to play a role with you, to fake it until it turned to reality. So, so half blacked-out, pretending she was just acting. She frowned at the memory. She despised apples now. "Yeah, I think I'd rather starve than eat them ever again. I can't even look at them without feeling angry," she finished with a laugh, a bit forced but it worked, it did the job.

You joined her and leaned back a bit, your smile looking a lot lighter and easier than her own. "Good thing I never got the urge to make an apple pie," you may have said that, but Jenna could see you cataloguing her hatred toward apples for later. Somehow she also believed that you would make even an apple pie taste good.

"As long as you make it just make it spicy and vegetarian and Jenna will love it," Aliyah seemed to be dead set on embarrassing her. She even patted you on the back a few times as she went to put away her plate. This time Jenna let it slide because it genuinely made you smile, and that was all she cared about right now, that you were actually fine and not just forcing yourself to be happy.

"And you have to learn how to make guac," Markus just added fuel to the fire. And you just added another information to wherever you were filing the information you were getting. Even if she would much rather make guac for you herself. More than a few times, and preferably often, many, many times, just for the two of you.

"I need to make urnebes salad for you," you said directly to her. "Red bell peppers, chili peppers, cheese, it's a nice, spicy salad," that definitely sounded like something she would like, and she absolutely wanted you to make things for her. Wanted to experience so much with you, try new foods, try new things in general with you, and having you in her life as much as possible.

"I'm going to hold you to that," Jenna told you and you just grinned.

“Okay, how about we all go outside and take a group selfie?” her mom suggested taking Jenna by surprise. You did what you intended, you got everything back on track, even when you were the one that the most affected by all of this. That should have made her relax but it just made her heart clench painfully at that thought.

So, she focused on what was going on instead of on what she was feeling. Her mom definitely loved taking photos, keeping the memories of good times lasting longer and documenting anything she deemed important or worthy of a photo. So, maybe she shouldn’t have been as surprised, but it still felt a bit unexpected, and she hoped you didn’t mind. Looking at your face she didn’t notice any changes, or discomfort.

Granted, you just showed her you absolutely could mask any pain you felt in pretty much an instant. This seemed genuine though, this really seemed like you didn’t mind taking a photo with her family.

So, you followed after her into the backyard where the two of you and her family got ready for her mom to take the photo. What she didn’t expect was for you to suddenly mess up her hair just as her mom took the selfie.

Apparently, you were actually back to normal, and the grin on your face proved it to her.

“Oh my,” her mom chuckled, and Jenna saw her hair was covering most of her face on the photo.

“Y/N,” she spoke calmly, but you already began running, and fine, if that was how you were going to act, then she could play that game too. “It’s fine, I promise!” she exclaimed as she began chasing you, you were laughing and it truly was fine but as long as you were laughing then she was going to keep chasing after you. Just to listen to your laughter for a bit more, because after what happened in the hall, she needed this. She needed you to laugh with her, to tease her, to make her flustered and blush, and make her heart beat wildly inside her chest.

“Then why are you chasing me?” you laughed and Jenna found herself grinning as well, especially when she heard her family holding back their own laughs. This was what she wanted, seeing you like this, free from that tension from before.

She didn’t see this side of you on the set, the childish, silly side that somehow ended up relaxing her even more. “Because you’re running!” it made no sense, but she truly didn’t care. For some reason you got tired a bit quicker than she expected you would, and she smirked speeding up and catching you from behind, hugging you tightly. “Got you,” she laughed and leaned her forehead against your back as she caught her breath.

“Yeah, you got me,” you sounded so genuine, and she could have sworn there was a double meaning to those words. She just didn’t understand it yet.

She wanted to tell you more, but the words got stuck in her throat and despite spending over half an hour thinking about it she suddenly wasn't sure she even had the right words to say to you. “You have me,” she spoke, hoping against hope that those three worlds would convey everything she felt. That they would be enough for you to know that she was with you completely, no matter what happened, no matter what the future brought. She needed you to know that you had her on your side and that you could turn to her at any moment for anything.

“You have me too,” you replied and relief flooded her heart. You understood and then you turned around and she was sure you would hug her back. Jenna looked you in the eyes, expecting a hug, only to be met by a mischievous look on your face as you went and booped her on the nose. “Let’s go back before your parents kill me,” you joked and she rolled her eyes, letting you go and walking slightly ahead of you.

“They wouldn’t,” she denied it as the two of you began heading back toward the house. Her family was already back inside, clearly giving the two of you a moment.

“You think? Your dad is a cop and in his eyes, I’m trying to seduce his baby girl,” you whisper shouted just loud enough for her to hear and she burst out laughing.

“Guess you'll have to set your sight on another girl then, won't you,” even as she joked back she had to admit there was a hint of jealousy in her voice at the mere thought of you with another girl.

Then, as if you sensed just how much power your touch had over her, you pulled her back and into your arms. And Jenna gasped as she felt your left hand on the small of her back, keeping her body pressed right against yours. And the look in your eyes? Jenna found herself melting at the intensity and raw emotion in your gaze. “I can’t,” you didn’t need to say another word. You made your message very, very clear.

“Good to know,” her voice cracked several times in those three words and she forced herself to just very slowly step away from you because her legs weren't exactly steady right now. It wasn’t a day of ups and downs with you today, it was a rollercoaster, and it was clear both of you were trying to bring things back to how they usually were by taking things up to eleven.

~X~

Two hours later you've gotten quite comfortable around Jenna's family, even though you could still see the somewhat scary that look Edward was giving you every time you and Jenna got particularly close to one another. Just another proof that the incident from lunch was mostly forgotten, and the way Jenna reacted to your admission that you couldn’t find another girl told you things between the two of you would be fine as well.

There seemed to be a silent conversation between Jenna and her mother until Jenna finally groaned and got up, leaving you on your own with her family from the looks of it.

“Can’t escape the dishes not even in a situation like this,” she half-jokingly complained to you and you automatically jumped to your feet. “Wait, what are you doing?” she asked, laughing as she pushed you slightly, though quite frankly you were barely feeling her efforts to get you back to sit down.

“Going to help you, of course,” you could see she was about to argue against it, and you quickly argued in favor of your plan before she do so. “I have a plane to catch very soon, let's do this one last thing together and then I can be on my way?” you tried to talk her into it and from the looks of it, it was working. Much like you, Jenna wanted to spend more time with you.

“Fine, but you only get to dry the dishes,” Jenna smiled softly as you pumped your fist in celebration. Granted, the reaction, while genuine, was a bit exaggerated, but you wanted to see her smiling, she didn’t smile that often since lunch. And you didn’t want to leave her like this, you wanted her happy, thinking back to this day fondly. You went into the kitchen where there were plenty of dishes from today's lunch. “Are you sure I can’t help you with more than just drying?” you asked and leaned on the counter next to her as she pulled out some cloth for you to dry the dishes with.

“Absolutely,” she began wiping any of the leftovers off the dishes and putting them back into the sink and you caught yourself just watching her. She was focused on the task and was actually even humming a bit. You didn't quite recognize the song but just listening to Jenna like this was more than enough for you. There was a very comfortable silence in the room, filled with occasional glances and chuckles, as if you were in on an inside joke that no one else knew about and you couldn’t even begin to describe how relieved you were because of that.

“You're staring,” she giggled and returned the favor as she booped your nose with a soap covered finger.

And you suddenly sneezed, barely getting enough time to cover your mouth. The soap kind of made you sneeze. “I was about to say you're beautiful, but I guess it won't work after this,” you rolled your eyes, silently cursing the timing of your sneeze.

“Goof,” Jenna rolled her eyes and you just chuckled at that, happy that everything was once more completely comfortable between you.

She finally handed you a plate to dry and 10 minutes later the two of you had finished washing the dishes and you were about to go and grab your bag. As much as you enjoyed this, you would have to leave in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

“So, this is it?” she said and you could see a question on the tip of her tongue.

“It was a good day,” you didn't even leave yet and you already felt this sense of longing for her. You couldn't tell when would be the next time you would see her, and right then and there, in what was possibly the worst moment, right in her parents’ kitchen, you nearly said it. You nearly told her what you were doing, because she deserved to know. You were both heading toward the point of no painless return. If this kept going even for a bit longer you would just end up hurting Jenna by keeping her in the dark. And you couldn’t have that. “I-“

But before you could say anything Natalie came up to the two of you. “Y/N,” she called out your name.

“Yes?” you weren't sure if you were relieved or not that you were interrupted like this.

“We've been thinking and it would really be a shame for you to go back to Denver today. You've been here for not even half a day and we have a free room,” she began and your eyes widened as you realized where this was going. “Aliyah can go and sleep in Mia's room, and Jenna can take Aliyah's bed so you can sleep in Jenna’s,” you glanced at Jenna and saw the look of pure happiness spreading on her face and that just took away all of your capability to argue against Natalie’s idea.

“I,” you still turned to Jenna with a raised eyebrow. “Do you want this?” you asked her. “It’s OK if you don't want it,” you assured Jenna, but her mom just chuckled, realizing much better than you just how ridiculous that idea was.

“And if I want you to stay?” Jenna asked a bit cheekily.

The answer was simple. “Then I'll stay,” and so the decision was made. You would be staying the night.

“I am betting my bed will remain empty tonight!” Aliyah yelled from the living room, embarrassing both you and Jenna.

Aliyah was absolutely wrong.

Taglist: @lilbitdepressed27 @freakshow2501 @osnapitzmel1 @belatrixdragon @ijustlovemaths

@niqmandu @justspance @mirage018

Masterlist / First Part / Previous part / Next Part

[another-heroine]

9 Ship Songs 2.0

Some time ago I was tagged on this one, and by that time I have had no enough songs for any of my beloved ships.

Now that my brain is spinning Lann and Katya like a rotisserie chicken, I am finally able to list nine songs for them at least lol

(And I just followed the shuffling order of Spotify. Check on their playlist here)

Be There (Seafret)

You've got me surrounded

It feels like I'm drowning

And I don't want to come up for air

I lost everything

I threw myself in and you took me when no one was there

Well you can take what you need, take the air that I breathe

And I'll give away all that I own

Whatever I lose, is put back by you in a way that you'll never know...

Sunlight (Hozier)

I would shun the light, share in evening's cool and quiet

Who would trade that hum of night?

For sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

But whose heart would not take flight?

Betray the moon as acolyte

On first and fierce affirming sight

Of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

I had been lost to you, sunlight

And flew like a moth to you, sunlight, oh, sunlight

Oh, your love is sunlight

Oh, your love is sunlight

But it is sunlight...

Honeylight (Amber Run)

There's nothing to it

You just exist

Then you die

I'm under no illusion

That things get better

But I'II try

'Cause you know it goes down like honey (honey)

So open wide, open wide

You don't have to say you're sorry (sorry)

You only tried, you only tried

It comes in waves, it's red like rust

And in the stream you see the dust

I would like to bathe in honey (honey)

In honey light, in honey light...

Creep (Radiohead)

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here...

Hello My Old Heart (The Oh Hellos)

Hello, my old heart

How have you been?

Are you still there inside my chest?

I've been so worried

You've been so still

Barely beating at all

Oh, don't leave me here alone

Don't tell me that we've grown

For having loved a little while

Oh, whoa, I don't wanna be alone

I wanna find a home

And I wanna share it with you...

War (Poets of the Fall)

Do you remember standing on a broken field

White crippled wings beating the sky

The harbingers of war with their nature revealed

And our chances flowing by

If I can let the memory heal

I will remember you with me on that field

When I thought that I fought this war alone

You were there by my side on the frontline

When I thought that I fought without a cause

You gave me a reason to try...

Colours (Billy Raffour ft JJ Wilde)

It's the smartest thing I ever did

Opening my heart to let you in

You taught me that despite the evidence

I'm still worth a damn, you'd still take the risk

Oh, stay with me, don't ever leave

Where I was broken, you made a home in

Where I had nothing, you gave it all

Where I was hardened, you grew a garden

Your love, it hollers down my halls

I've got your colours on my walls...

Golden (Harry Styles)

Golden, golden, golden

As I open my eyes

Hold it, focus, hoping

Take me back to the light

I know you were way too bright for me

I'm hopeless, broken

So you wait for me in the sky

Browns my skin just right

You're so golden

You're so golden

I'm out of my head

And I know that you're scared

Because hearts get broken...

Sirens (Pearl Jam)

Hear the sirens, hear the sirens

Hear the sirens, hear the circus so profound

I hear the sirens more and more in this here town

Let me catch my breath to breathe then reach across the bend

Just to know we're safe, I am a grateful man

The slightest bit of light and I can see you clear

Oh, had to take your hand, and feel your breath

For fear this someday will be over

I pull you close, so much to lose

Knowing that, nothing lasts forever

I didn't care, before you were here

I danced in laughter, with the ever after

But all things change, let this remain...

[mooniesday]

i haven't yapped in here for so long, and i wanted to indirectly speak to you today. i know you like it when i talk a lot, so i'm dumping some unfiltered thoughts here. like truly. unfiltered. unbeta-ed. i'm not thinking about the delivery of any of this, and you're definitely not obligated to acknowledge it all. or to make sense of it.

my energy levels have plummeted in the past 48 hour and i unfortunately have an eventful weekend ahead of me (as well as today), so i feel like i'm grasping at straws to keep myself going until the beginning of next week. like omfg. i had a headache today and suffered some dizzy spells in intervals. i fear that's an addition for you to add to the growing list of health troubles i have... my vertigo seems to be triggered by stress. i really thought i was dealing with this taxing holiday season well because i technically couldn't feel the stress, but i guess my body and subconscious did. it definitely makes the anxiety riddled sleep i've barely gotten lately make sense.

it's a little bit frustrating, though. because i'm really trying to stress less! and i've put a lot of effort into no longer chasing perfection. in fact, someone told me something last year that stuck with me. i don't know if it translates well, but it went like this: do less of what you must, and more of what you love. and being told that, face to face, by someone that had gotten to know me well enough to recognise how my desire to be perfect led to my own misery, rewired my brain. it was like the first time i read the dostoevsky quote from crime and punishment, where raskolnikov tells sonia that "your worst sin is that you've destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing"... like hold on. wait a minute... let me catch my breath, damn.

i'm stuck between laughing at myself for finding something so simple to be so profound, and getting annoyed at myself. it's funny because i take self preservation so seriously in regards to my relationship with others, i rarely let others cloud my judgement or affect me negatively, and i know how to set boundaries when things become too much. but when it comes to my relationship with myself, it really does feel like i betray myself regularly. often. always. it's like i'm okay being uncomfortable and sacrificing my wellbeing right now because things are inevitably going to get better at some point. but it feels like i was 17 only two years ago, and before i knew it i turned 25 whole years last week, all with the same attitude towards myself. i've lived in a constant loop of self betrayal.

i think while i've stopped wanting to be perfect, i continue to undermine the value of my own happiness and how important it is to always invest in it. i'm not actively making myself miserable, but i'm not trying to be happier.

(giggled a little bit while writing this cause my nr #1 song on my spotify wrapped was my love, mine all mine by mitski like DAMN! did you even try to be happy bro.)

unlearning certain habits is gonna take a while, i know. and i'm going to be patient with myself, of course. while i know you might worry reading this, especially the beginning, i don't want you to think i'm unhappy. i'm okay right now. i think i'm a little proud of myself too, for being able to self reflect well enough to recognise these aspects about myself. it's not been unknown to anyone that i'm bad at taking care of myself, but i always took it at face value when it was pointed out to me. it's always been about things like diet and working too much, and i have a tendency to roll my eyes at that... you're kind of part of the reason why i've actually finally internalised it, i think. i appreciate you a lot. not only as my lover and my moon, but as a person. you've left such a mark on me.

i feel like i often wail dramatically about how i was destined to be a heartbroken artist that lived during the renaissance. and i stand by it. i still yearn for it. i think i'll invest in it.

you sent me a gn message while i was writing this, hehe. i hope you're sleeping well, my love. i love you lots. dream of me! <3

[wizardofgoodfortune]

27 for Spotify fic thing!

a bit of comfy dreamling. and i fully believe that this would've been better if i had finished reading the entirety of the comics. alas... we can have a bit of silliness for now! but thank you for the ask!! 💓 i hope you are having fun with the ask game.

--

When you've lived for such a long period of time unimaginable to the common living being, asking for help is something short of unthinkable. He is Endless, after all. Lord of Dreams and Ruler of Nightmares. The Dreaming itself.

At least, that's what Dream thinks.

Death said he was foolish for not asking for help during his century in the Wych Cross, in the Burgess's basement, and for the pursuit of his tools afterwards. He doesn't think she will ever understand—he didn't want to worry her, or anyone for that matter.

Much less Hob Gadling, who is a mere 600 years old. He was older than most, yes, but still. Dream should be able to handle everything by himself. The Shaper of Forms should be able to fix all his problems on his own.

This is why Dream couldn't fathom why Hob gave him this tiny device he called a 'mobile phone'.

"Keep in touch," Hob said, "for when you need my help the next time you get... compromised. Or for when you just want a drink. Or a friend," he tacked on, grinning.

Dream stared at the phone accusatorily. It sat on the couch beside him in his room, unaware of his glare.

It was as if Hob didn't know how hard it already was for him just to mention that he'd been captured. By a human, with parlor tricks, no less. And before their recent meeting, they just met once every hundred years. Now Hob expected Dream to just... 'text' him?

Dream scoffed. This was ridiculous. They should have just continued to meet every hundred years.

But then again, the whole ordeal with Rose Walker and Desire just finished. Could Hob have helped with that problem? Most likely not. But sometimes, Dream did find that... elaborating... on one's feelings... proved. Useful.

And in the light of having been betrayed by his sibling, there was nothing he wanted more than to hear someone talk at him, for distraction. Or maybe even listen to him. Much like Hob did, the last time, in The New Inn.

Dream sighed. This was ridiculous. He tucked the phone into his coat, and left. He had much to do, and little time to spend on frivolities. He couldn't spend his time ruminating on every single thing in his life; he would certainly go insane if he did. So he will concentrate on the things he can fix now.

--

Dream was in the middle of a meeting with Lucienne and Merv when a ding! rang in the throne room. Lucienne looked up from her notes, and Mervyn cocked his pumpkin head.

It came from inside his coat. Dream paused for a moment, and opened his mouth to continue—

Ding!

"Uh, boss, I think that's coming from you," Merv said.

Lucienne hid the lower half of her face in her ledger. Dream dreaded to think why.

"I will take care of this," Dream said, standing from his throne. "I trust you will be able to attend to the repairs in my place, Lucienne. Mervyn."

"Of course, my lord," Lucienne said.

"See ya, boss," Merv said.

Dream turned away and blinked into his room before he could see them smile at each other at his expense.

He conjured the phone from his coat, forming from grains of sand. The screen simply said, '2 new messages from Hob Gadling.'

"Hey stranger! Fancy a night out at The New Inn? Just got done with finals, and I could use a relaxing evening. Beer for me, wine for you? I got you something even better than before," the first text said.

In their last meeting, Dream had actually caved to drinking wine. It seemed more palatable than any of the drinks in the past six centuries, and he was. In a good mood, so to say. He didn't really realize how thirsty he was until he got into a comfortable atmosphere.

"And I'm thinking you should try out our pizza tonight. Only made out of the finest ingredients, I promise. If you thought the shepherd's pie was good, wait for this one," the second text said.

And how hungry.

And because the Dreaming is him, thunder rumbled in the distance, as if to imitate an empty stomach growling.

This is ridiculous, Dream thought, as he stepped out of his room and into The New Inn. It was evening this time, and the place glowed yellow and orange. It was alive with its customers' tipsy buzz, the clinking of tableware, and the smell of savory food and alcohol.

Dream looked over to the spot where Hob sat before, and felt a pang of an unnamable feeling in his chest when he didn't see him there.

"My friend," bellowed a familiar voice from behind the counter.

It was Hob. He had a small towel thrown over his shoulder, and he had half of his hair tied back. Dream noticed the beads of sweat on his temples.

"Didn't expect you here so soon. I'll be right with you," Hob said, his face bright. He gestured to the table in the corner. "Have a seat."

And so Dream sat where he sat before. What was Hob up to?

"Sorry for the wait," said Hob from behind. He came brandishing a glass and a bottle. Was that a smear of something red on his cheek? And why was he wearing a flour-dusted apron? "If I knew you would come this fast, I would have texted you much earlier."

Dream watched Hob pour him a glass of wine.

"Y'know, you could have replied. I would've been more prepared that way," Hob said, setting down the bottle, and settling down across Dream. "Not that I mind, of course. Just thought you would be more preoccupied. But I could get used to it."

Dream huffed. "Do not. You merely caught me at an opportune time."

"And what joy," Hob said. He was grinning. Then he was standing up again. "Be right back."

Hob disappeared behind the counter and into what Dream assumed is the inn's kitchen. Dream looked at the wine. It didn't seem right to drink alone.

So instead, Dream listened to the sound of the inn's patrons talking to their friends about their day, good or bad, listened to the soft music playing on the speakers, listened to the dreams of a student snoozing on his friend's shoulder, heavily inebriated too early in the night.

He was having a nightmare about his 'finals,' as Hob called it. Dream waved the nightmare away. In this place, he deserved comfy dreams. His nightmare could wait another night.

"Make way, hot pizza coming through," Hob announced from behind again, hurriedly setting down a wooden plate. On it was flat bread with golden, melted cheese and the same red sauce that Dream saw on Hob's cheek earlier. There were also sliced cherry tomatoes and basil leaves on top. The pizza glistened under the yellow lights of the inn.

"Been a while since my last pizza," Hob said, sitting down across him with a sigh. He held his beer in his other hand. Maybe this time he would stop moving around so much.

Wait.

"You made this," Dream said, in disbelief.

"Yeah, picked it up when I lived in Italy a few years back. Don't think it's as good as how they taught me, but you be the judge. And don't hold back," Hob said as he cut through the sauce and cheese with a knife. "Hey, you haven't drank your wine yet."

"No," Dream said. He didn't want to elaborate.

"Buon appetito," Hob said, gesturing to the pizza. He wiped some of the sweat on his forehead away with his towel.

Dream stared at Hob.

"Please, before it gets cold," Hob insisted.

"Are you not going to eat?" Dream asked.

"Oh." Hob paused. Was that surprise? "I suppose I should, shouldn't I?"

Dream took his slice the same time Hob did, but Dream had more difficulty with his. The cheese stretched on impossibly, refusing to let go, until Hob chuckled and cut through it with his knife.

And finally, Dream bit into the slice. Both the sliced tomatoes and the tomatoes used in the red sauce reminded him of a dream of a farmer in the Italian countryside, toiling away in the hot day and coming home to his wife and son, his arms full of produce. The hot cheese came from the milk of a family cow cherished by its farmer. It dreamt of a seemingly never-ending green pasture, where she lived with her calves. The bread had the thoughts of the man in front of him kneaded into it, thoughts of how proud he was of his students, especially those graduating soon. Even the basil leaves contained Hob's thoughts, each carefully placed on the pizza, wondering if Dream would like it.

Dream gulped.

"Good?" Hob asked. He was smiling, but Dream spotted a bit of worry on the lines in his crow's feet.

"It is," Dream tried to find a sufficient word, but ended up echoing Hob, "good."

Dream watched Hob's shoulders loosen.

"Good. Great," Hob said, grinning, fully this time.

Dream felt his own chest tighten. He stifled the feeling with more of the pizza instead, and listened to Hob launch into how finals week went.

Maybe later in the night, wine-drunk, Dream would tell Hob of what happened recently. But right now, he was content to eat, and drink, and listen to his friend.

[thesecrimsonstrings-if]

6 and 23 for the spotify wrapped ask? 👀🤲🏼

6) driver's licence // olivia rodrigo

ronan bennett

“why are you doing this to me,” he asks and oh, your heart breaks. it aches from the unbearable crack that threatens to pull you down to your knees and tell him that you didn't mean any of it.

but you have to do this. you have to keep ronan safe, and unfortunately that includes breaking his heart. yours is just one of the casualties in the process too.

“i know i haven't been the perfect partner for you, but please give me a chance again. what did i do wrong?” he pleads, doe eyes on the verge of tears.

‘nothing,’ you want to tell him. ‘you did nothing wrong, my love.’

but you can't tell him that, can't tell him that you're only doing this for his own good. you shake your head silently for the last time and ronan's desperate hands try to hold you close, just a sense of security to know that you aren't leaving. that maybe this is all just a bad dream.

but you've already left the car, and ronan is left staring at the place where you once sat and broke it off with him. the red lights and stop signs do a show of mocking him. he can't even close his eyes without seeing your somber face as you tell him that you've fell out of love.

his friends always told him that you weren't right for him, too secretive and moody. but none of them knew you like ronan did. they wouldn't have understood.

how is he supposed to move on from this now? you said ‘forever’, but it all seems like empty promises now that he drives alone through the streets where you used to walk together. where you laughed at each other's jokes and first held hands.

“i guess you didn't mean what you wrote in those poems about me,” he smiles bitterly.

23) traitor // olivia rodrigo

i tachibana

their eyes flicker between you and the person you were just in the diner with, all smiles and lingering touches. {$I_name} knew that it was a bad idea to eavesdrop on you two. They were just supposed to grab something to eat and leave before their commander found out that they'd sneaked off.

when they saw you sitting alone, they'd psyched themself up and nonchalantly try to greet you. maybe even try to sit next to you. but they had to stop when a person came into the diner and greeted you with an enthusiasm of an old friend. their pointy ears aren't hard to miss for {$I_name}'s eyes, probably an elf.

okay great, so you were just here to meet with one of your supernatural friends. big deal! they roll their eyes to themself, and yet can't seem to squash down the insecure whispers in the back of their head as they stare at you two.

the person with you laughs especially hard when you tell them a corny joke and {$I_name) almost crushes the glass of dr. pepper in their hand. you weren't that funny.

then it happens. the person leans in towards you, as if to steal a kiss. a kiss that {$I_name} had frustratingly dreamt of stealing for themself. this time they do crush the can of soda in their hands and everyone in the restaurant turns to look at them.

but {$I_name} could care less about all of them. they're only looking at you, as your eyes widen in surprise and quickly the expression turns into guilt. glancing between them and the elf you were talking to, you stand up to move towards them.

{$I_name} decides they've had enough of the shit show they had just witnessed. it was their fault for being too nosy anyway. and why does it hurt so much? you weren't theirs to begin with. you could kiss anyone you'd like. be with anyone you wish.

they ignore the way their heart clenches painfully at the thought of you and someone else together.

“you didn't even cheat in any way, vampyr. but oh, why do i feel like you betrayed me.” they clutch their heart, laughing mournfully at their own pathetic self.

“god i wish i would've thought this through, before i fell in love with you.”

[lauwrite1225]

Somebody to die for.

Finan x OC; The Old Guard inspired Alternative Universe

Summary : Victoria’s life is rather simple until she has a car accident from which she ends up miraculously unscathed. A series of weird events animates her daily life, everything seemingly bringing her to a strange man. Until this very man knocks at her door.

Spotify Playlist • Masterlist

A/N : It’s Finan Friday again my dudes! I hope you all are fine! This chapter signs the REAL beginning of the story, hope you will like it ;)

Warnings : none! For once! Won’t last I fear lmaoo

Chapter 4 : I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me

Victoria wakes up suddenly, a frightened scream escaping her. She is sweaty and panting, her hands resting on her chest as she stares at the darkness surrounding her. Soon enough, the obscurity is broken when the door of her bedroom opens, letting in the light from the corridor. Finan is standing in the doorway but she can't read his expression as she sits up on her bed. 

“Are ya alright?” He asks, walking carefully towards her. 

She nods quickly, catching her breath in slow inhales and exhales again, but she's still shaking. He sits on the edge of her bed, his worried eyes studying her face and his hand rubbing her back. 

“I'm alright.” She whispers. “It was just a dream.” 

Finan suddenly stops his movement, making her look at him, his eyebrows furrowed.  “D'ya still have dreams?”

“After I met you it stopped.” She explains, rubbing her face and then letting her hands slide in her hair. “But I was back in the forest, where you died. You were still here, but I was staring at that young monk.” Finan's fingers tense against the fabric of her shirt, but she doesn't pay attention to it. “It was just like for you. I felt him die.” 

Victoria sighs, confused and still shocked. Finan's palm leaves her back and she turns her head to him. “Is it the first time ya've been dreamin' of him?”

She shakes her head. “No… No it isn't.” She stands up, walking to her desk to search for a paper. She feels Finan's gaze on her before she hears him walking behind her. “When I started to dream about you, I drew you.” She explains, pointing at a portrait of Finan. He takes it delicately while she keeps looking for the others. “Here!” 

She grabs her drawing of the young monk and hands it to Finan. His face falls and he mutters something inaudible.

“I think I've seen him through your memories.” She continues, ignoring the way he retreats, his eyes still fixed on the paper, until his calves hit her bed and he sits on it. “Do you know him?” She asks, crouching in front of him to try to meet his eyes.

Finan's jaw clenches and she squeezes his knee, calling him softly, but he is desperately captivated by the young man from her dreams. His reaction however is enough for her to understand that he isn't a stranger to him.

“Finan, if I've been dreaming of him, maybe that means he isn't dead. Maybe he is like us.” She says, a hopeful and reassuring smile growing on her lips. 

She thought the news would have pleased him, especially after being lonely for a millennium. And it seems that this monk is someone he used to know, one more reason for Victoria to think that he should be happy. But there's not even the shadow of a smile on his face. Instead, he exhales slowly, putting the drawing beside him onto the blanket.

“I know.”

Vicky blinks, confused. “What do you mean, you know?” 

“I know him and I know he is alive.” He says emotionless, avoiding her gaze. 

She stands on her feet, her eyes wide open. She can't believe he has been lying to her and it's a strange feeling that boils in her chest, made of confusion, anger and betrayal. Finan looks up to her and is about to speak but she slaps him across the face. She's as surprised as he is about her action but she can't find the will to apologize while he rubs his cheek.

“You lied to me!” She shouts at him, her voice breaking in disbelief. “You said we were the only ones! You said you've been alone for all this time.”

“It's more complicated than ya think.” He grumbles.

Victoria scoffs. “It's no reason to lie to me! I trusted you!” Finan's jaw twitches but he says nothing, which upsets her even more. But she tries to calm down, wanting to know the truth. “How many are we?”

He hesitates, his fingers drumming on his thigh. “With ya, five.” 

“Fucking five!” She rolls her eyes and walks to her desk to take her two last drawings, handing them to the Irishman. His face darkens even more and she notices how hardly he swallows as he takes in the two men. “Is it them?” 

He nods, and even though she can see the emotions in his eyes, the way tears are threatening to roll on his cheeks, she can only feel anger. She pinches the bridge of her nose, walking in circles around her bedroom. “I can explain ya.” Finan eventually whispers, making her halt.

“I don’t want to hear your explanations.” She says sharply and he stares at her with as much surprise as when she slapped him. She sighs, rubbing her eyes now. “Just… Just leave.” However, Finan doesn’t leave, still fixated on her. “Fucking leave!” She shouts and he finally stands up. 

It’s only when she hears the door of her flat closing that she allows herself to fall on her bed. She feels so betrayed, even though she knows him for a short time, she has accepted that he would be the only forever she would ever know. The only constant when all the people she knows will disappear one by one. But everything was a lie. Well at least one part, but Victoria is blinded by anger. However, she does regret kicking him out of her flat as a hundred questions are rising in her mind and only he could answer them.

She feels that way for the rest of the week, having a thousand questions about the three other immortals, but too proud to accept Finan's excuses and ask him about them. Finan, on the other hand, does try to talk to her, sending her texts and calling her. And she just ignores him.

“Why don't you answer?” Rebecca asks her when they are taking their lunch break together in a small park, Vicky having declined the Irishman's call with a long sigh. 

“It’s nothing important.” She replies before taking a mouthful of her salad. “Is it still okay for dinner on saturday?”

Becca nods. “Yes, I’ll drive you if you want.”

“Oh, that would be great.” She smiles, grabbing her bottle of water.

“When are you planning on getting a new car, by the way?” Rebecca asks her. 

Vicky chokes with her water and coughs a little. “Hum yeah… Soon? I guess? I've got to see.”

Her friend narrows her eyes while Victoria averts hers. “You're really weird these days, Vicky.” She says with a more serious tone.

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know, you're always busy, and when you dare spend time with me, it seems like you'd rather be somewhere else.” She explains, resting her chin on her palm. And suddenly, a mischievous smile spreads on her lips. “Or someone else.” 

Vicky rolls her eyes, Rebecca definitely won't let go of that. She should have known better that after a week of not mentioning it she would return to the attack. “There’s no one, Becca.”

“Sure.” She smirks, pretending to look at something further in the park. “Well, when there will be someone, I would love to hear about that someone.”

“You’ll be the first to know.” Vicky grins exaggeratedly. 

Saturday comes earlier than she expected, and for the last two days, Finan stopped texting her. She can’t tell if she’s happy about it or not, she may still be angry at him, he is the only one able to answer her questions, and especially those about the three other men. So as she drives Rebecca’s car towards her parents’ house she makes a note to herself that she’ll have to text him tomorrow. But in fact she won’t have to do it because her phone rings, and she barely has the time to recognize Finan’s number until Rebecca grabs it.

“Oh my god, no Becca, don’t answer!” She says but her friend just wiggles her eyebrows and presses on the green button. 

“Hello?” She smirks innocently while Victoria is mouthing her insults. She can barely hear Finan’s voice through the phone. “Oh, no Vicky is driving right now, she can’t answer. But she’ll be very glad to see you later, I’m sure.” She grins at her, Vicky giving her a threatening glare. “She’ll be at home at 10.”

She then hangs up, visibly satisfied by her move but Victoria definitely doesn’t have the same opinion. “Why the hell did you do that? It could have been anyone else!” She shouts, raising a hand toward her phone in an annoyed fashion.

Rebecca simply chuckles, looking at the road again. “I recognized the number, you’ve been ignoring all his calls.”

“Indeed, and maybe there’s a reason for that!” She grumbles, trying to remain focused on her driving. 

“What’s that reason?” She asks curiously, something she maybe should have asked before.

Vicky rolls her eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“So, it’s the guy you’ve been seeing for the past weeks?”  She tilts her head.

“Christ, you’re really obsessed Becca.” She sighs, glancing at her quickly only to see her mischievous smile. 

When they finally arrive at her parents’ house Vicky is happy to notice her brother’s car while Rebecca’s face falls. The blond grins widely, she’ll have her revenge tonight after all. Since childhood, Rebecca has always had a thing for her older brother, Charles, and since she knew it, Victoria loves to tease her with that. As they walk to the front door, her best friend harasses her with questions about whether or not she knew Charles was here, and she just shrugs. And of course, it has to be him that opens the door and Rebecca can’t look more uncomfortable than when he leans to kiss her cheek after hugging Vicky. 

Charles is two years older than Victoria, and like she likes to call him, the intelligent one, while she is the weird one. For two years he’s been studying in Edinburgh and coming back home only occasionally, and usually without a warning. Obviously, with both Rebecca and Charles at home for dinner Vicky is far from being the center of the discussion, which doesn’t displease her as it gives her the opportunity to slip away to the kitchen when she receives a text from Finan. She can’t help but smile at his message saying that he suspects her not being consensual about their meeting later and that if she wants, they can cancel. Vicky hesitates a moment before answering. Maybe she can still be upset at him and see him to have answers. She’s yearning to know what made him lie to her, and who those men are and if maybe she could meet them too. So she texts back that they still should meet tonight anyway.

“Holy shit, the parents won’t stop with their questions.” Charles complains as he enters the kitchen with a pile of plates. 

Victoria slides her phone in her pocket and grins at him while opening the dishwasher. “That’s the problem when you’re the intelligent one.”

He laughs, his golden locks shaking. He puts the plates in the machine and leans against the counter once it’s closed. “Rebecca hasn’t changed a bit.” He says softly, with a shy smile.

Victoria raises an eyebrow at her brother, wondering what he truly meant by this comment but her mother shouts at them to bring the dessert before she can ask. During the whole rest of the dinner she keeps staring between her brother and best friend, trying to catch something that would betray him, but Charles is clearly better than Becca at hiding feelings. This new distraction makes her forget all about the past strange days she has been through, and she feels like a teenage girl desperate to learn every gossip around. But when dinner ends it makes her awkwardly sad, Finan’s warning about the fact that one day she’ll have to leave everything behind coming back to her mind. So, as if she’s just learned the date of her death, which ironically could never happen in fact, she decides to enjoy every moment with her family and close friends to have no regrets. 

That’s how she ends up talking of their future summer holidays with Rebecca in the car while she drives back to London. She checks destinations on her phone, both of them debating on which is better between Greece and Sicilia. Time goes quicker and soon enough Rebecca stops in front of her building with a teasing grin. 

“Have a good night.” She winks.

“Fuck off.” She replies after pulling her tongue out and leaving the car. 

She looks around until she finds Finan leaning against a wall, as usual, his hood covering his face. She steps toward him and he straightens, an apologetic smile shadowing on his lips. Before he could say a word, Vicky speaks. 

“I’m still mad at you.” She declares crossing her arms over her chest.

“It has the merit of bein’ clear.” He tilts his head, his mouth forming a straight line. 

She ignores his remark and continues. “But I still have many questions. The first being why you lied to me?”

Even in the darkness of the night, just a few lampposts lighting the area, she can see how his eyes suddenly seem lost in what she supposes are memories of long gone days. “It’s a complicated story.”

“As if there’s anything simple with you?” She wryly asks and he chuckles while nodding.

“Right.” He sinks his hands in his pockets and briefly looks up, his gaze hovering over the window of her flat. “Maybe I could explain ya inside?”

“Yeah, I’m freezing.” She admits before walking to her building’s door, Finan following her. 

They climb the stairs quickly, glad to feel the warmth of the inside. She searches her keys in her pocket when they reach her floor but when she stretches her arm out to open the door and push the key into the lock something is wrong.

Noticing her hesitance, Finan steps behind her, leaning slightly above her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“The door is open.” She says and then shakes her head. “I must have forgotten to lock it correctly.” 

She ignores Finan’s furrowed eyebrows as he looks at her and pushes the door open. She steps in her flat, and she has an unpleasant feeling of a stanger’s presence growing in her chest. She first thinks she’s being paranoid, but when she reaches her kitchen and finds herself face to face with a man pointing a gun at her she realizes she wasn’t.

A/N: Don’t kill me for this end :(((

Tag :​ @for-bebbanburg​ ​ @naps4bats​ ​ @osferth​ ​ @maggiescarborough​ ​ @finansarms​ ​ @dumbledoreisnotmyhubby​

[jcs-study]

According to Matthew 26:24 (NRSV), while the Last Supper was still in full swing, Jesus said, "The Son of Man goes as it is written of him, but woe to that one by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that one not to have been born."

I'm sure Judas feels much the same way, or else why would we be discussing "Judas's Death"? Just as Jesus has his breakdown in the Garden of Gethsemane, now Judas has a parallel breakdown.

I return to the live Australian cast from 1973 because the late, great Jon English gives one of the most harrowing performances of this number I've ever heard (in a very good way). Please, if you do nothing else as a result of this blog, support the official release on Spotify, on Apple Music, or by purchasing the CD from Aztec Records.

I will resist the urge to make an awful pun about the manner of death and just say hit the jump.

(CW / TW: mention of suicide.)

The Lyrics

JUDAS MY GOD! I SAW HIM HE LOOKED THREE QUARTERS DEAD AND HE WAS SO BAD I HAD TO TURN MY HEAD YOU BEAT HIM SO HARD THAT HE WAS BENT AND LAME AND I KNOW WHO EVERYBODY'S GONNA BLAME I DON'T BELIEVE HE KNOWS I ACTED FOR OUR GOOD I'D SAVE HIM ALL THIS SUFFERING IF I COULD

DON'T BELIEVE OUR GOOD SAVE HIM IF I COULD

PRIEST 3 CUT THE CONFESSIONS FORGET THE EXCUSES I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE FILLED WITH REMORSE

ALL THAT YOU'VE SAID HAS COME TRUE WITH A VENGEANCE THE MOB TURNED AGAINST HIM YOU BACKED THE RIGHT HORSE

CAIAPHAS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WILL BE THE SAVING OF ISRAEL YOU'LL BE REMEMBERED FOREVER FOR THIS

AND NOT ONLY THAT YOU'VE BEEN PAID FOR YOUR EFFORTS PRETTY GOOD WAGES FOR ONE LITTLE KISS

JUDAS CHRIST! I KNOW YOU CAN'T HEAR ME BUT I ONLY DID WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO CHRIST I'D SELL OUT THE NATION FOR I HAVE BEEN SADDLED WITH THE MURDER OF YOU

I HAVE BEEN SPATTERED WITH INNOCENT BLOOD I SHALL BE DRAGGED THROUGH THE SLIME AND THE MUD I HAVE BEEN SPATTERED WITH INNOCENT BLOOD I SHALL BE DRAGGED THROUGH THE SLIME AND THE SLIME AND THE SLIME AND THE MUD

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM I DON'T KNOW WHY HE MOVES ME HE'S A MAN HE'S JUST A MAN HE'S NOT A KING HE'S JUST THE SAME AS ANYONE I KNOW HE SCARES ME SO

WHEN HE'S COLD AND DEAD WILL HE LET ME BE? DOES HE LOVE DOES HE LOVE ME TOO? DOES HE CARE FOR ME? OH OH

MY MIND IS IN DARKNESS NOW MY GOD I AM SICK I'VE BEEN USED AND YOU KNEW ALL THE TIME GOD! I'LL NEVER EVER KNOW

(sob)

WHY YOU CHOSE ME FOR YOUR CRIME YOUR FOUL BLOODY CRIME

YOU HAVE MURDERED ME YOU HAVE MURDERED ME MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME, MURDERED ME

(voice trails away sobbing)

ENSEMBLE POOR OLD JUDAS SO LONG JUDAS

(repeat as directed, ending on:)

POOR OLD JUDAS

The Plot

Attacked by guards, Jesus is left half dead. How much worse is it, then, to be the man who delivers his friend into the hands of the abusers? Much to the bewilderment of Caiaphas and Annas, Judas laments what he has seen, appalled at what Jesus is being put through, and, worried about how he'll be viewed, Judas realizes that he will be blamed for what has happened.

Reflecting on his mixed feelings about Jesus, he recognizes that he is part of some grand design and that God is propelling him towards his destiny and he is powerless to change anything. Haunted by what he had done, filled with despair, Judas slips a noose around his neck and hangs himself.

The Analysis

To a certain extent, one of Judas' driving emotions throughout JCS has been anger, and he goes out on those terms. Whether or not his position is justified, he is now angry at Jesus for using him for his martyrdom, and he decides to commit suicide almost as an act of... well...

...yeah, that looks about right.

On a different note entirely, getting more at underpinnings than motivation, the experience of life flashing before one's eyes has been reported for well over a century. In Judas' case, this plays out musically. As he prepares to die, all the music in this sequence is from earlier songs, a flashback in each instance to the events that have led Judas to this point. We hear snatches of:

"Damned for All Time"

"This Jesus Must Die"

An ironic and sad version of "I Don't Know How To Love Him" (especially poignant because in the beginning, everything Judas did was out of love and respect for Jesus, and now he has -- probably -- become the instrument of his death; like Mary, he literally doesn't know how to love him)

The vamp from "Heaven on Their Minds"

And, finally, the choral tag from "Blood Money," only this time, the lyric "Good old Judas" becomes "Poor old Judas."

Later Lyrical Differences

The changes to this number which remain in the currently licensed version have been relatively minor with time: Priest 3's line was reassigned to Annas as early as Broadway, 1971, and on a significant musical arrangement note, the ensemble's entrance at the song's close changed.

On the original album, and in most productions pre-1996, the "Poor old Judas / So long Judas" bit came in opposite the chugging rhythm and increased in volume until the band dropped out after Judas died, leaving just the cast singing as they transition to Jesus' trial. It was a great effect, but hard to rehearse, because the vocals were in a different key -- and the cast expected to sing at a different tempo -- to the underscoring. Many productions dealt with this in different ways: some pre-recorded a few vocal passes and the cast sang along to get their key; others had access to a tuning fork, keyboard, or another instrument backstage that could feed them their note in their earpieces, ignoring the orchestra; and, of course, if one rehearses a cast well enough, they may be able to do it with no help and little issue. Lloyd Webber remedied this in the revival by dropping the vocals from that section and cueing the chorus to sing only when the band drops out. It does make things easier.

On the note of lyric changes that did not make the currently licensed version:

Tim Rice made a minor amendment to Caiaphas' first couplet for the 1973 film, probably aimed once again at foiling the Jewish community sniffing out the show's perceived anti-Semitism. He replaced the word "Israel" with "everyone," which, in addition to being a true rhyme, made the offending lyric far less damagingly specific. (Though this change was likely made early on, at the prerecording stage, pay close attention and read Bob Bingham's lips at this point. He is mouthing "Israel" in the take that was used in the final cut.) However, this did not transfer to the stage version.

In the 1996 London revival and many subsequent productions, Rice also took a stab at rewording Judas' confused, anxious anger -- the Internet would call it "Angrish" -- from frantic, fraught fragments to a more fully realized thought: "And I acted for our good / Save him if I could." This made it even to the 2012 Broadway revival but is not in the show today.

Speaking of the 2012 Broadway revival... while tweaking things in rehearsal as previously mentioned, Tim also made an adjustment to a later Judas line for Josh Young, presumably for ease of phrasing (the change is in italic): "Christ I'd sell out the nation / Not to be spattered with the murder of you." Aside from thinking that keeping "saddled" there would be less repetitive when combined with the following verse in context, I actually think it's rather graphic and blunt, and I'm not displeased that it hasn't crossed over into licensing.

Coming Up Next:

Judas is dead and soon Jesus will be too. There will be a "Trial By Pilate," and "39 Lashes" will be involved.