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ro-is-struggling · 2 years ago

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Undercover || Bucky Barnes x Plus size!Reader

Part III: The Aftermath

Summary: Your first mission with the Avengers proves to be more difficult than you expected when you discover you have to go undercover with none other than Bucky Barnes. Spending so much time together posing as an engaged couple leads to the development of feelings that you fear will change your relationship forever.

Warnigs: fluff, mentions of the reader being insecure about her body, probably overuse of pet names (doll), SMUT MINORS DNI, praise kink, body worship, dirty talk, slight size kink, oral sex (f receiving), p in v sex, aftercare. It's almost all smut with a sprinkle of feelings

English is not my first language

Word count: 8600+

Notes: this is my first time writing full smut so please be kind!! I don't usually write this kind of stuff, but I tried really hard on this one so I hope you guys like it!! it was supposed to be much more fluffy but I got carried away, so sorry for all the filthy things you are about to read

Tagging: @caritobbg @cassie-buckysbaby @lejuveinlegroove @lucylaufeyson3 @lokisasgardianvampirequeen @midnights-ramblings @that-girl-named-alex thank you all so much for your support!!

Part I Part II

When you finally arrived at the avengers' compound the sun was beginning to rise. You were tired and sore, and all you wanted to do was lie down in your big, soft bed and sleep for a week. But before you could rest you had to go to the trouble of removing all the makeup, hair clips and intricate attire you were wearing. All the relief you felt at finally being home disappeared, replaced by a wave of overwhelming discomfort.

"Are you okay there, doll?" Bucky asked after hearing you let out a grunt.

"Yeah, I just realized that I have to take all this shit off and it's really annoying," you explained, pointing to your outfit.

"C'mon, I'll help you."

You thought of turning him down, telling him that it wasn't necessary. And it really wasn't, maybe you would need some help with the zipper on the dress, but the rest you could do on your own. It was just annoying. The best thing you could do at that moment was to find an excuse not to be alone with him. You hadn't spoken much since the party, exchanging just a couple of words on the way back, and you were sure the situation would be awkward. How could it not when just a few hours earlier you were kissing passionately, letting your hands explore each other's bodies? You had crossed a line and you didn't know if you could go back to normal after that. You didn't know if you would be able to see him as a simple friend, a co-worker, when all you wanted was to feel his lips on yours again.

And yet, when you looked at Bucky's face, you saw the kind smile he was giving you and you weren't able to say no. Even though you knew it would be best to walk away, the truth was that you couldn't. You wanted to be close to him, to feel his touch, even if it was for the last time. You weren't ready to give up the illusion you had created for the mission. You still wanted to hug him and lie next to him, you wanted to pretend you were more than just friends. So you accepted his proposal, leading him to your room while the voice of reason in your head urged you to stop.

The first thing you did when you entered your room was collapse on the bed. Your body bounced on the mattress from the force of the impact as you closed your eyes, relaxing into the sheets. You lay there for a few seconds, listening as Bucky moved around the room without having the energy to open your eyes and see what he was doing.

"C'mon doll, sit up for me please. You can't go to bed like this." The use of the pet name forced you to open your eyes, feeling the familiar tingle inside you once again. As you sat up in bed you discovered that Bucky had taken your facial cleansing products from the bathroom and was waiting for you to tell him what to use first.

You had never let anyone else take care of you like that. You had two hands and were perfectly capable of cleaning your own face, but you had to admit that it was a lot more relaxing when someone else did it. You just sat up straight and tilted your head up, letting Bucky gently massage your face until there was no trace of makeup left. You kept your eyes closed most of the time under the excuse that you didn't want any product to get in your eyes. And it was true, for the most part. But you also did it to avoid making eye contact with him.

You could feel his eyes on you, closely admiring every inch of your face. All the marks and imperfections you hated were clear as day under his watchful gaze. If you weren't so tired—or so desperate to feel his touch—, you wouldn't have let him get so close to you. Normally the idea of being in such an intimate situation with someone terrified you, but Bucky was different. You still felt a little nervous, but it was nothing compared to the security and calm you felt next to him. You wondered if he was able to notice the effect he had on you, if there was something special he did to make you feel that way or if it was his simple essence that captivated you.

"All done!" He exclaimed softly, moving his hands away from your face. You couldn't contain the whimper of protest that escaped your throat, and when you opened your eyes you were met with Bucky's smile. There was a warmth in his gaze that made your heart race. You noticed a special sparkle in his blue eyes, but before you could examine them closely he turned away from you to put away the products he had used in the bathroom again.

You took advantage of his absence to start fixing your hair, removing the clips and brushing it with the brush you had on the bedside table. When Bucky emerged from the bathroom you had already finished with your hair and were struggling with the intricate lacing of your shoes, trying to free your feet from the torture device that imprisoned them. He walked towards you and without a word knelt down in front of you. The air caught in your throat as you felt his hands on your leg, caressing your calf until they reached the laces of your shoes. Bucky rested your foot on his thigh and very carefully took it upon himself to free your foot from its confinement. The contrast of the warmth of his flesh hand against the coldness of his metal one gave you shivers, but you couldn't pull away from his touch.

You followed his movements with your eyes, your gaze locked on his hands. He had rolled up his shirt sleeves, the metal of his arm shining in the warm light of your room. As you focused your attention on his right arm you noticed the veins marking on his skin, creating a path that disappeared under his shirt. You felt the urge to reach out and touch him, to trace your fingers all along his arm and not stop until you reached the back of his head, take his hair in your hands and pull him towards you to join your lips once more. There was something so sensual, so erotic, about the position you were in that made it impossible to contain your inappropriate thoughts. Having Bucky kneeling in front of you while his hands caressed your legs was getting to you and you didn't know how much longer you could take it.

"About what happened last night," his husky voice broke the silence, snapping you out of your thoughts. You turned your gaze away from his hands to focus on his face, dreading the conversation that would follow.

"It was for the mission, I know. And it worked great so it's okay. Things don't have to be weird between us, you can forget about it." You spoke quickly in an attempt to avoid the awkward conversation you had to have.

You said those things because you believed it was the right thing to say, the safe option. Of course for you it hadn't been just a mission. There was nothing you wanted more than to feel Bucky's lips against yours again. You wanted to sleep every night next to him and wake up every morning with your bodies entwined, limbs tangled between the sheets. But you couldn't tell him that because there was no way someone like Bucky would reciprocate your feelings. You had fooled yourself into thinking that something between you could ever happen. It was stupid and naive, a farce created by your mind blinded by the happiness his closeness brought you. But now that you were home you realized that confessing the truth to him would only bring you trouble.

Bucky remained silent as he worked on your other shoe. His fingers showed your right leg the same tenderness and affection as they did your left one, taking his time to caress your skin before unlacing your shoe. It was as if he didn't want to move away from you. And he didn't. He had become addicted to you, to the feel of your soft skin under his fingers, to the taste of your lips and the warmth of your body against his. The mission was over, but he wasn't ready to let you go. He didn't want to let you go.

"What if I don't want to forget about it?" Bucky finally said, his hands never stopping his caresses on your leg even though he had already removed your shoe. He lifted his head to look at you, locking his blue eyes on yours, studying your reaction.

"What?" You mumbled in surprise. You were pretty sure you had imagined him saying that. Your mind overwhelmed by his touch and your feelings for him had put words in his mouth that he hadn't said, making you hear exactly what you wanted to hear.

But then Bucky spoke again, confirming that you weren't hallucinating. "I don't want to forget about it, doll. I want you." Bucky continued to caress your legs, his hands disappearing under your dress as he went higher and higher. The touch of his fingers awakened fire on your skin. Your heart pounded against your chest and your breathing quickened as you felt his fingertips brush against your thighs.

"Bucky…" you moaned his name as you felt him pressing a kiss on your knee. You closed your eyes for a moment, melting under his touch. You wanted to say something more, but your brain had stopped working. All you could do was react to Bucky's gentle touch, squirming under his hand as you made soft sounds of approval.

However, there was one thought running around in your head, one that you couldn't shake off even with Bucky's intoxicating caresses on your body. "Why me?" you uttered as you found your voice, opening your eyes to look at the man kneeling in front of you.

You didn't mean to ruin the moment. Hearing Bucky admit he wanted you was a dream come true, but you couldn't help thinking it didn't make any sense. You didn't understand how someone like him could find you attractive. You'd had bad experiences in the past with relationships, too many people who made you believe you weren't pretty or sexy enough to attract anyone's attention. So why was Bucky Barnes interested in you?

"What?" he looked at you with furrowed brows, his head tilted slightly to the side as he analyzed your face.

"Why do you like me?"

It took Bucky a few seconds to respond, not because he didn't know the answer, but because he couldn't believe you were asking him that. Couldn't you see how wonderful you were?

"Why wouldn't I like you?" You looked down, unable to maintain eye contact with Bucky. You regretted asking him that because now you had no way to escape the uncomfortable reality of having to explain your insecurities to him. You remained silent, waiting for the situation to resolve itself without you having to be so vulnerable in front of him.

"Answer me, Y/N." Bucky didn't want to sound confrontational or pressure you to talk, but he really wanted to know what was going on in your head. He wanted to help you realize how wonderful you were and he couldn't do that without understanding how deep your insecurities ran.

"Because I'm not Natasha!" You finally said, looking up to face him. "I'm not pretty like that. Guys don't look at me twice when I walk into the room or fight to get my number… especially not guys that look like you!" You felt tears stinging your eyes, but you blinked them away, refusing to cry over this. You were no longer fifteen years old and you were done crying over insecurities about your body.

"Then those guys are idiots because you're the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on."

"You're just saying that," you muttered, lowering your gaze. You found his words hard to believe, but that didn't stop your heart from racing. A rush of warmth ran through your body, a mixture of embarrassment and love filling your insides.

Bucky's flesh hand traveled to your cheek, cupping your face tenderly as he tilted it to force you to look at him. "I'm serious, Y/N. You're beautiful." He spoke in a firm, but gentle tone. Looking into his eyes you could read in them that he wasn't lying. So why was it so hard for you to believe him? "I want to show you just how beautiful you are. Would you let me do that, doll?"

It took you a few seconds to decide on your answer. The voices of your insecurities were loud in your head, but so were your feelings for Bucky. You had spent all this time silently desiring him, longing for him to turn to look at you. And now that he was confessing his love to you, you hesitated. It was stupid. You were living your dream and instead of enjoying it you were letting your fears win. You couldn't let that happen. Bucky wanted you and you wanted him, there was no need to complicate things.

After a few seconds of silence, you nodded slightly.

"I need you to use your words." Bucky said in a low whisper. You bit your lip, catching the flesh between your teeth and lightly biting the skin in a gesture of nervous anticipation.

"Yes, Bucky. I want you to show me."

As soon as those words left your mouth, Bucky's lips crashed against yours. Only this time your lips intertwined in a slower, more sensual kiss. He wanted to take his time with you, worship your body as if it were his religion and show you how you should be loved—how you deserved to be loved. He left you breathless, completely at his mercy.

You missed his lips when he pulled away from you, but you took the moment to take a deep breath in an attempt to calm your racing heart. Bucky rose from the floor, his figure towering over you imposingly. You took a second to admire him in all his beauty, a part of you still in disbelief at what was happening. When he offered you his hands you took them without a second thought, rising from the bed with him. You felt even smaller next to him now that you didn't have your heels to conceal the height difference.

"Do you trust me?" Bucky whispered against your lips in a deliciously husky voice.

"You know I do." You answered him. The two of you shared a look that felt more intimate and personal than anything you had ever done before. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach as Bucky leaned in for a short kiss before spinning you around.

You felt a little less nervous not being able to see his intense gaze, though you could still feel it digging into the back of your neck. Bucky's hands caressed your arms, his fingers delicately brushing over the exposed skin in an upward path until they reached your shoulders. Your insides buzzed with anticipation and a hint of nerves as you felt his hands reach for the zipper of your dress. He was torturing you, moving extremely slow to watch you squirm under his touch. He was enjoying it, you could tell by the way his breathing quickened a little more with every inch of skin he uncovered. Bucky was determined to take his time with you and you still couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

When the dress finally fell to your feet you couldn't help but tense up. You felt vulnerable standing there wearing only a set of lacy underwear. You were completely exposed under Bucky's gaze, all your insecurities clear as day despite the dim light in the room. You had the sudden urge to run away from there, embarrassment taking control of your mind for a moment. But then you felt Bucky's lips on your right shoulder and everything felt right again. You relaxed under his touch, letting the warmth of his body comfort you as you enjoyed the trail of kisses he left on your back.

Bucky brushed his lips over all the little marks he noticed your tight attire had left on your skin, showering you with his love. When he felt satisfied he turned you around so he could look at you from the front and his breath caught in his throat because he couldn't believe he had such a beautiful woman in front of him, giving herself to him in body and soul.

Your eyes stayed glued to the floor, too embarrassed to look up. All you could think about were your stretch marks and the strange shape of your stomach. Your breasts weren't perfect either, and you didn't even want to think about your thighs. You were terrified to look up and see disgust in Bucky's eyes, the same disgust you saw in your own eyes when you looked in the mirror on a bad day. Out of instinct, you tried to cover your body with your hands, but he caught them halfway.

"No no, you don't need to hide from me, doll." Bucky took your hands in his and brought them to his lips, placing delicate kisses on the back of them. Your eyes followed his every move, pausing momentarily over his mouth before traveling up to his eyes. In them you saw nothing but pure desire, his pupils blown wide and the blue of his iris a couple of shades darker than normal.

Bucky wanted you.

It was not a product of your imagination or a lucid dream. No, Bucky was really standing in front of you, looking at you as if you were an oasis in the middle of the desert. His eyes admired your body as if you were Aphrodite herself and that made a wave of confidence wash over you.

"You're beautiful," he whispered against your lips and this time it was you who closed the distance between the two of you.

It was a much more desperate kiss than the previous ones, all teeth and tongues as your hands struggled to unbutton Bucky's shirt. You loved his gentle touches and sweet words. You loved that he was willing to take things slow for you to make you feel comfortable and loved, but you were starting to get impatient. You wanted to feel his body against yours, to have him physically prove that his words were real. And Bucky didn't disappoint, his hands caressing every inch of exposed skin they could find while his tongue invaded your mouth, making you moan.

When you pulled away for air, he took the opportunity to remove his shirt—which had been left open, hanging over his shoulders—, before carefully pushing you down onto the bed. Your body bounced slightly against the mattress at the impact, your eyes never leaving Bucky's as he unbuttoned his pants. He looked so intimidating standing at the foot of the bed with his hands working on his belt. His figure towered over you making you feel incredibly small. But you loved that, you always had.

Your center tightened around nothing as you watched him crawl up to you, eyeing you up like an animal to its prey. Wetness began to slide down your thighs as you felt his hands spread your legs to accommodate his body between them, his covered erection digging against your pelvis in a promise of what awaited you in the future.

There was nothing sweet or gentle about the way Bucky kissed you, his tongue exploring your mouth with desperation. He caught your lower lip between his teeth, nibbling seductively on the sensitive skin until he made you whimper. Then he moved his wet kisses down your neck, exploring your sensitive spots. He was observant of your reactions, noticing the sighs of approval that escaped your mouth and the way you squirmed under his touch. He took his time with your neck, kissing and biting it until he irritated the skin, marking you as his own. Only when he was happy with his art did he decide to continue his assault down your body, moving his lips along your collarbone until he reached the base of your bra. He cupped your breast with his cool metal hand, the difference in temperature sending a wave of electricity through your body causing you to arch your back into his touch. The thin lace fabric that adorned your form did little to protect you from the coolness of his fingers, but you weren't complaining. You loved the way the contrast felt against your hot skin. You closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the way his fingers played with your nipple through your underwear, but opened them again when you stopped feeling his lips against your skin.

Looking down, your eyes were met with the most erotic scene you had ever witnessed in your life. Bucky's head rested between your breasts as he stared up at you with hunger in his eyes. His lips, red and swollen after the assault on your body, were parted, letting out shallow breaths. You held back from rolling your eyes, a moan of pleasure dying in your throat as you felt your clit throb with need. Bucky planted a delicate kiss over the valley of your breasts, his eyes never leaving yours. There was something softer in his gaze, passion and desire still prominent in his dark, dilated pupils, yet combined with something else.

He was asking for your permission, giving you the opportunity to decide if you wanted to continue with what you were doing. Bucky was doing this for you—well, for the most part. He was also doing it for him, because you were the only woman in his mind since the day he first saw you, and because he couldn't stop thinking about the warmth of your body against his. But more importantly he was doing it for you, because he couldn't believe that you didn't see the beauty he noticed in you when you looked in the mirror. Because he couldn't let another day go by without showing you how fucking hot you really were. You were a goddess among simple mortals and you needed to be treated as such.

“Please…” the plea fell from your lips in a desperate tone, your voice a sensual melody that went straight to Bucky's cock. You arched your back off the bed, presenting your body to him. That subtle invitation was all it took for Bucky to slide his hands up your back, unclasping your bra with surprising agility.

He took a moment to admire you, completely mesmerized by the beauty of your naked body, before leaning down and taking one of your nipples in his mouth. His lips closed over your sensitive skin, alternating between sucking and nibbling carefully on your hardened nipple as his fingers showed love to the other.

“Fuck, Bucky-” you moaned as your breath hitched. Your hand flew to his head, your fingers closing over the long locks of dark hair as you pulled him even closer to you.

“That’s it, baby… so good for me, so sensitive…” Bucky mumbled against your skin, moving so he could use his mouth on your other nipple. “I want to hear your pretty voice. I want to hear how good you're feeling… how good I’m making you feel.” There was a possessiveness in his voice that made your insides flutter with arousal.

“So good, Bucky,” you uttered between breathy moans, surprised by how needy your voice sounded. He had barely touched you and you were almost ready to cry and beg him to keep going if he asked you to. No man had ever made you feel that way in the past. Of course half of them hadn't even tried to satisfy you the way Bucky did, but it was still impressive.

It wasn't just the sexual aspect that had you so turned on. Sure, his lips worked wonders on your body and he somehow knew what buttons to push to get you to squirm under his body, but there was so much more to it than just that. Bucky looked at you with adoration, caressing your skin as if you were a goddess and he your faithful worshiper. He made you feel special, beautiful and sexy in ways you didn't know were possible.

However, when Bucky's trail of wet kisses reached your belly area, you couldn't help but tense up. It was an unconscious reaction, learned by the muscles in your body after years of insecurities. He noticed. Of course he noticed! He was an expert at listening to your body. So in response, he changed the intensity of his touches on your skin. His lips placed delicate kisses over your belly in a disorganized pattern. It took you a few seconds to understand that he was showing love to every stretch mark, every scar or line on your skin that you hated.

“Such a perfect little thing” Bucky whispered against your skin. “All mine.”

The possessiveness in his words made your heart race, a warm feeling flooding your insides. You were his. He wanted you to be his and he was telling you so.

“All yours… only yours” you told him, stroking his hair gently. The tenderness of your touch contrasted with the growl of approval that escaped Bucky's lips, vibrating against your hip as he sucked and nibbled at the sensitive skin. That sent a fresh wave of arousal between your legs, the wetness dampening the thin lace fabric covering your pussy. You wanted to rub your thighs together to relieve some of the pressure that was building up inside you, but Bucky's body resting comfortably between your legs prevented you from doing so.

You were starting to get impatient, the overwhelming adoration Bucky was showing your body was almost too much. You needed something more. Your clit throbbed between your legs, your core clenching around nothing, desperate for attention. And just when you thought Bucky was going to take pity on you, his lips getting closer and closer to the place where you needed them most, he moved at the last second, continuing his kissing path down your thigh.

“Bucky, please” you whimpered as you felt him assaulting your right thigh. His teeth scraped your sensitive skin, biting down hard enough to make you gasp, not in pain but in pleasure.

“What is it, doll?” His voice was low, his lips brushing your skin as he spoke. “What do you need?”

“I need you” you managed to say despite the fog of pleasure that clouded your mind.

“Where do you need me? Here?” Bucky placed a kiss on your covered sex and the delicate touch was enough to make you let out a desperate moan. He was teasing you. He enjoyed having you twitching under his touch, lost in pleasure without even touching you where you needed it most.

"Mmhmm" you babbled incoherently, feeling Bucky's tongue trace a line over your underwear, going from your entrance to your clit. You closed your eyes, allowing your head to fall back on the bed as you felt the knot in your stomach tighten. You thought that was it, that he was finally going to give you the relief you craved, but then he pulled away from you.

"Not yet, baby. I haven't finished worshiping this beautiful body of yours." Bucky said, moving his lips over your right thigh to continue his attack. "First I need to show you how you deserve to be treated, how you deserve to be loved. Only then can I show you how you should be fucked."

You were ready to cry from desperation, but you'd be lying if you said that waiting didn't make everything more exciting. His words went straight to your core, awakening a new rush of heat inside you. And even though your brain was fried, you were able to pick up on the slight sweet tone in his voice. Your heart began to beat rapidly at the implied confession of love.

Bucky was determined to show you that there wasn't a single inch of skin on your body that he didn't adore, and he wasn't going to stop until he accomplished his task. He didn't care that his achingly hard cock was twitching inside his boxers, desperate for attention. He was proving a point, and he wouldn't stop until he did. So he continued his assault on your body, his lips kissing every inch of skin within his reach. He moved down your leg, paying special attention to your thigh before continuing his way down. When he reached your ankle, he began to move up again, enjoying the soft moans that escaped your lips.

After what felt like an eternity, Bucky showed you mercy, hooking his fingers into the elastic of your underwear to slide it down your legs. You tried to pull your knees together, suddenly feeling exposed under his hungry gaze. But before you could do so, he stopped you, his metal hand closing over your leg to hold it in place.

"Such a pretty little cunt, all wet and ready for me." he said, his deep voice heavy with lust. His words awakened a tingle in the pit of your stomach and you knew that if he didn't touch you soon you would end up exploding.

Luckily, Bucky wasted no time, settling between your legs again. His warm breath crashed against your pussy, sending a shiver down your spine. You let out a surprised gasp as you felt him move your body closer to his face, sliding you across the bed as if you weighed nothing. He positioned your legs over his shoulders, your thighs resting comfortably on either side of his head. Then Bucky deposited a couple more kisses on your skin, moving closer and closer to your center.

"I want to feel these pretty thighs of yours squeezing my head, you hear me? So don't hold back."

You barely had time to process his words before you felt his tongue making contact with your center. He licked a long line from your entrance to your clit, his lips closing over your bundle of nerves to show it the attention it so desperately needed. Your body arched toward him, waves of heat coursing through you as you cried out in pleasure. Your hand buried itself in his hair, holding his head in place in a silent way of asking him not to stop.

And he didn't. Bucky showed you no mercy, his lips attacking your pussy with desperation. He was eating you out like a starving man, sucking your juices as if they were an oasis in the middle of the desert. Your body began to convulse with pleasure and Bucky had to use his metal arm to pin you against the mattress and hold you in place. The pressure on your lower belly was adding a new sensation that sent new waves of pleasure throughout your body, the knot in your stomach tightening more with every stroke of his tongue.

"Oh fuck Bucky don't stop" you cried out in pleasure, pressing your thighs against his face involuntarily. Your body no longer responded to you, it responded to Bucky and his skillful mouth.

He let out a groan of pleasure that vibrated against your center and made you roll your eyes. "You like that, baby?" he spoke against your pussy in a teasing tone and you couldn't do more than nod. Then you felt him insert a finger into your entrance, sliding it with ease along your slick walls. It was much longer and wider than yours, reaching places you didn't even know existed. Your muscles contracted against his finger immediately, clamping it in place.

"Such a good girl, taking me so well," Bucky murmured before attaching his lips to your clit again. His finger explored your insides curiously and it didn't take him long to find your most sensitive spot. He made sure to stimulate it at the same time as his tongue attacked your clit, moving his finger in a 'come here' motion. Every little touch sent a new surge of electricity through your body. You felt like you were on fire, the tension building in your stomach getting closer to exploding.

"I can feel you squeezing around me. Are you close? Huh? Are you gonna come on my fingers, baby?"

"Yes, oh god, Bucky, yes… I'm so close, please don't stop!" You sounded pathetic, but you didn't care anymore. You were too lost in pleasure to care about your dignity. All you could think about was Bucky, his mouth, his fingers and the dirty words that escaped his lips, bringing you closer and closer to the edge.

"Come for me, doll. C'mon, let go for me, I want to feel you." Bucky encouraged you, increasing the speed of his movements. His lips closed over your clit once more, sucking hard. The combination of sensations and his dirty words of encouragement pushed you over your limit, the knot in your stomach snapping as you let out a loud moan of pleasure.

Fireworks exploded behind your eyes as Bucky licked up all your juices, prolonging your high. You heard him moaning in the distance, mumbling something about how sweet you tasted, but you weren't able to say or do anything. Your brain was too overwhelmed with pleasure to react, your body tensing before relaxing on the mattress as you struggled to catch your breath. That was the best orgasm you'd had in a long time. The pleasure had taken you by surprise, leaving you completely stupid.

Once you were able to focus on the world around you again, your eyes met Bucky's. He was looking down at you, lust and adoration glowing in his blue orbs.

"There you are," he whispered with a smile, his right hand gently caressing your cheek. "You look so beautiful like this, completely lost in pleasure." There was something so erotic and yet so tender in his voice that you couldn't help but smile. A warmth spread through your body, only this time it was not due to arousal but to the love his words awakened in you.

Bucky looked at you with such admiration in his eyes that you felt the urge to cover your face with your hands. Somehow the intimacy of the moment was more embarrassing to you than having his face pressed against your pussy. You were not used to being stared at in that way, to being treated with the affection and adoration that Bucky showed you. You didn't know how to react and your first instinct was to run and hide, but you knew he wouldn't let you. So you did the next best thing: you kissed him, closing your eyes to escape his intense gaze.

You could taste yourself on his tongue, your sweet essence impregnating his mouth as you kissed. His lips moved against yours in a sinful dance that ignited a new fire deep in your stomach. You moaned against his mouth as you let your hands explore his body, one clinging to his hair while the other caressed his back, dragging your nails against his skin.

It didn't take long for you to be squirming under his body again, your hips rubbing against his in a desperate attempt to relieve the throbbing pleasure between your legs. Your hand left his back, slowly moving down his marked torso until your fingers met the elastic of his underwear, the last article of clothing separating the two of you. You stroked his hard member through the fabric, applying the lightest pressure, and Bucky broke the kiss to let out a low growl, involuntarily rocking his hips against your hand.

A rush of confidence washed through your body, feeling strangely powerful as you saw the state he was in. With just the simple touch of your hand you were able to turn the toughest, most imposing man you had ever met into a moaning mess. It was good to know that you had as much power over him as he had over you.

"Bucky, please, I need you inside me. I want you to show me how I'm supposed to be fucked, pleasee."

"Oh fuck," Bucky cursed, surprised by the confidence in your voice. He loved it. Loved seeing that side of you and loved knowing he'd managed to get it out of you. "You sound so pretty when you beg for my cock." He whispered against your lips, giving you a deep, sloppy kiss.

Bucky didn't waste another second, pulling away from you to remove the last article of clothing that separated you. You propped yourself up on your elbows so you could watch the moment his majestic member sprang free from its confinement. A prominent vein adorned the underside of his shaft and his red tip was leaking precum. He was big, bigger than you expected, and for a moment you wondered if it would fit.

But you didn't have time for worry, because Bucky quickly returned to his place between your legs. He knelt in front of you on the bed, his hand on his cock as he stroked it lazily, his eyes admiring your body. It was truly one of the hottest things you had ever seen in your life and the way he couldn't seem to take his eyes off you made you feel like the sexiest woman in the world.

You wanted to touch him, to feel the weight of his cock in your hand as you made him feel good. You wanted to return the pleasure he had made you feel, but before you could do anything Bucky moved, adjusting his position between your legs. You could feel him at your entrance and had to resist the urge to move your hips to impale yourself on his cock, remembering that given his size it would be best to take things slow.

"You ready, doll?" His voice was soft and sweet, giving you one last chance to stop what you were doing.

"Yes, please," you begged in a desperate tone and that was all the confirmation Bucky needed to proceed. He pushed inside you slowly, feeling your warm, velvety walls close around his member. You both let out a moan as Bucky made his way inside you, your muscles stretching to accommodate him. When he bottomed out he stayed still, giving you time to get used to his size.

Feeling Bucky inside you was unlike anything you had ever felt in the past. He was longer and thicker than your previous sexual partners, creating a delicious burn every time he moved. But it wasn't just that, no. There was a connection between you, a spark that made everything feel different, a thousand times more intense than normal. Your skin was on fire, your core tightening around his member as you admired the expression of pleasure on his face. He was indeed the most beautiful man in the world and you still couldn't believe he had laid eyes on you.

"Move, please," you said when you felt ready and Bucky began to rock his hips against yours in a slow, torturous rhythm. He wanted to take his time with you, watch every little reaction of your body, admire every grimace of pleasure on your face. He wanted to memorize your body, learn your soft spots and use them to slowly bring you to the edge of pleasure. But then you started moaning his name, moving your hips to meet his thrusts, and he knew he wouldn't last as long as he'd like.

"God, you're so tight, f-fuck, so warm" Bucky grunted as he quickened the movement of his hips. "The perfect pussy for me, taking me so well." Your walls clenched around his member, the dirty words of praise fueling the fire inside you. You could feel the tension in your stomach building again and wondered how fast he would be able to take you to the edge this time.

"You like that, huh? You like to hear me say how good you are to me, don't you?" Bucky hovered over your body, holding himself up propped on his metal arm as he let his flesh hand caress your body. The new angle allowed him to reach deeper inside you, the tip of his cock touching your g-spot with every thrust. "You wanna be my good girl?"

"Yes! I- fuck, I want to be your good girl," you cried out in pleasure, not caring about the volume of your moans. Nothing mattered to you anymore, the world around you had ceased to exist. Your brain had stopped working. All you could do was feel. Feel Bucky's cock pounding inside you, stretching your walls and filling you like no one ever had before. Feel the effect of his dirty words, which did nothing but spread waves of pleasure throughout your body. Feel the touch of his fingers drawing slow circles over your bundle of nerves, bringing you closer and closer to the edge. "Oh f-fuck, Bucky, right there, please don't stop."

You closed your eyes letting yourself get lost in pleasure as you wrapped your legs around Bucky's waist, locking your ankles together to hold him in place. Your nails clawed at his back, desperate to hold on to something firm that would keep you grounded. You were getting close to the edge, the knot in your stomach tightening with every thrust of his hips, every growl he let out against the skin of your neck.

"God, you're gorgeous," Bucky murmured, slowing down his thrusts to stop himself from cumming too soon. His eyes studied your face, admiring the frown of pleasure in your expression with pride knowing he was the one making you feel so good. "I don't know how you don't see that. But it's okay, now I'm here to show you just how beautiful you are." He brought your lips together in a sloppy wet kiss, his tongue caressing yours with desperation as he began to increase the pace of his thrusts again.

"You feel me, baby? You feel my hard cock deep inside you? It's all for you. You're the only one who can turn me on like this, shit, the only one who can get me this hard."

"Bucky, please," you begged against his lips. You didn't even know what you were asking of him, your mind too overwhelmed with pleasure to filter the words coming out of your mouth.

"I know, baby, I know. You're close, I- fuck, I can feel you gripping me tight… I've got you, just let go."

It was too much, his words of encouragement, the rocking of his hips, his fingers on your clit. Pleasure coursed through your veins, carrying a tingling sensation throughout your entire body. You felt like you were on fire, floating through the flames of the deepest hell as Bucky pounded into you in a merciless rhythm, determined to make you explode. You closed your eyes, concentrating on the pleasure coursing through you, clinging to the super soldier's body for support. You were so close, you could feel the dam inside you beginning to break, all your muscles tensing in anticipation of the sweet relief.

"Look at me," Bucky demanded in a soft but firm voice and you opened your eyes immediately, your body reacting to him as if he owned you. "I want you to look at me when you cum, I want to see your pretty face screw up with pleasure. C'mon, cum for me baby."

“Bucky, I- fuck,” was all you could say to warn him of your impending orgasm, though you were pretty sure he could feel it. Your velvety walls tightened around his cock, burying it deep inside you as you let out the dirtiest, most desperate moan of the evening.

Your orgasm hit you like a truck, wave after wave of pleasure traveling through your nervous system. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes, maintaining eye contact with Bucky as your body contracted beneath him. He never stopped moving between your legs, his thrusts becoming progressively deeper and more erratic, prolonging your high. He was close, you could feel it in the way his cock twitched inside you, your hot walls clinging to him desperate to feel his relief.

"That's it, that's my good girl, cuming so hard on my cock, fuck,” Bucky growled in an animalistic manner, hiding his face in the hollow of your neck as he chased his own high. “You're gonna take my cum? Yeah? You're gonna take my cum like the good girl you are?"

"Yes, fuck, yes! I want to feel you cum inside me. Mark me as yours, Bucky, please," you begged in a desperate tone, your voice hoarse after so much moaning.

“That’s it. Take it, take all of me, I’m yours, fuck, I’m all yours.” He let out a string of incoherent moans and with a final thrust, Bucky came inside you, painting your insides with his seed. The sensation of his hot cum filling you almost drove you to another orgasm, but your body and mind were too tired to react. He collapsed on top of you, both of you struggling to catch your breath. His cock kept twitching inside you as the weight of his body crushed you into the mattress, but you weren't complaining. There was something so intimate about it, especially after Bucky had declared himself yours. If you had any strength in your body, you would have used it to wrap your arms around him, drawing him incredibly close to you.

You didn't want the moment to end, you didn't want to stop feeling his warmth enveloping you or his cock resting inside you, but you knew you couldn't stay like that forever. When Bucky pulled out you felt strangely empty, your walls tightening around nothing as his cum trickled down your thighs. The two of you lay side by side, the sound of your ragged breaths echoing in the room. At least until your curiosity won over your exhaustion.

“Did you mean it?” You broke the silence, turning your head to look at him. Your question hung in the air for a moment and you almost regretted asking it. You thought you had ruined the moment, but then Bucky turned, his deep blue eyes watching your face with the same admiration as always.

“Yes,” he stated, bringing the butterflies in your stomach to life. “I want to be yours, doll. And I want you to be mine… Did you really have to ask me that after everything we did?” He added with a chuckle. He couldn't believe you still had doubts after all the time he spent showing you how he felt about you.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, embarrassed. “Maybe you just wanted to get into my pants.”

“I want everything with you, why do you find that so hard to believe?" You remained silent, lowering your gaze as you tried to ignore the voice of insecurity in your mind that recited a list of reasons. You knew it was stupid, that it was mostly small things that only you noticed and marked as negative, but it still got to you.

"Hey, look at me," Bucky asked you in a soft tone, his flesh hand traveling to your cheek to force you to look at him. "I want to do this… I want to give us a chance, if you want it too, of course."

Of course you wanted it! It was the only thing you had wanted from the moment your eyes fell on his figure when Steve and Natasha introduced you to the rest of the team. You had spent all this time admiring him from a distance, dreaming of the day when you'd have the courage to ask him out. There was nothing you wanted more than to be with Bucky and you weren't going to let your insecurities get in the way of your happiness, not this time.

“I do, I really do,” you said, a smile creeping onto your tired face. Bucky closed the distance between you, sealing your vow with a kiss. His lips moved softly against yours, taking the time to savor the moment, expressing through that act everything he felt but could not put into words.

When you broke apart you let out a slight whimper, already missing his closeness. If you weren't so tired you would have kissed him again, but the muscles in your body barely responded so you settled for cuddling next to him. The warmth of his figure enveloped you as you rested your head on his chest. His heart beat softly under your ear and you let the sound relax you. Your eyelids began to feel heavy and you felt yourself dozing off. But then Bucky's body shifted beneath yours.

“Don’t go!” you begged when you felt him get out of bed.

“We need a shower. We can’t go to bed like this.” Bucky laughed, walking toward the bathroom. You let out a grunt of annoyance, hating the idea of having to move. You were tired and comfortable in bed so you didn't care that you had the sticky mixture of your orgasms sliding down your thighs. You wanted to rest, even though you knew Bucky was probably right.

“Five more minutes,” you muttered, burying your head in the pillow. You heard the muffled sound of running water on the other side of the bathroom door and assumed that Bucky had decided to shower first to give you a little more time to recover. But then you felt a presence sliding you across the bed and before you knew it, you were trapped in Bucky's strong arms, carrying you as if you weighed nothing.

You squealed for him to put you down, not being used to being carried that way. You hated sitting on someone's lap or letting them hold you up, it made you feel insecure. But Bucky didn't listen to your protests. He held you in his arms with the gentleness of someone holding a porcelain doll, moving you from one room to the next with care. If he was having trouble supporting your weight, he didn't let you know. Although you doubted it considering he was a super soldier.

When he lowered you back on your feet you noticed he had prepared the bathtub, filling it with hot water and pouring in your favorite bath salts. Steam and a sweet scent enveloped you as Bucky helped you in, holding your hands to make sure you didn't slip. It wasn't long before you were settled together in the tub. You were sitting between Bucky's legs with your back against his chest. The warm water soothed your muscles as you felt his arms wrap around you lovingly. His hands rested on your belly, but this time you didn't feel the need to move them or hold your breath to appear thinner. Bucky loved you just the way you were. He had seen you completely exposed and vulnerable and he had stayed by your side. You didn't have to hide anymore, not from him.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x fem reader #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x plus size reader #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes #Undercover Series

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rocket-remmy · 5 years ago

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Intro To Queer||Morgan and Remmy

In which Morgan explains to Remmy what U-haul Lesbians are.

(Content warning: Mild homophobia mentions)

Morgan had shed two of her extra sweaters and done her hair to greet the InstaCart driver without getting weird looks. It was bad enough being perma-cold, still living at the Traveler’s Rest, and ordering jelly beans along with her tea and microwave soup. She could at least spruce up and look like the composed adult she wished she was. And now Remmy was coming over! With a thermal blanket! It was silly, certainly, but Remmy for some reason thought well of her without Morgan putting in too much effort. It as a nice, if not unfamiliar feeling, and Morgan didn’t want to disappoint by answering the door half-feral in her pajamas and hoodie. She made herself some coffee, courtesy of Cassie, and took her cup outside to watch the sky. She hadn’t seen the sun in three days, but the cloud cover was looking extra thin; maybe she’d get lucky. When she saw a lanky ragamuffin of a person start ambling uncertainly up the stairs, she leaned over the railing and called down. “Are you Remmy?”

Remmy had met a lot of people off the internet in the past few weeks. It was almost becoming a regular thing, now. But it was a community board! It was supposed to be for this kind of thing to happen safely! It was just a weird thing, for Remmy. Remmy, who had mostly been without internet and cell phone service and satellite TV for several years. They had an old bunny ears box back at base, but they were only allowed to turn it on every other night, and only for an hour or two, if the Lieutenant was feeling nice. They had radios, though. Lots of radios. The point in all that, Remmy reminded themself, was that the internet just wasn’t something they were used to. But hey hadn’t been led wrong yet. And Cece vouched for Morgan. So this was going to be okay. Remmy didn’t really know what to expect, or what else to bring, so they’d brought some tea Blanche had bought them, a beanie, some hand warmers, and, of course, the blanket. When someone called out to them, Remmy stopped and looked around. “Yeah! That’s me!” Squinted. “Are you Morgan?”

Now that they were closer, it was painfully, sweetly, obvious who this was. Remmy, who apparently hadn’t gotten around to buying a backpack or even one of those reusable plastic bags from the grocery store, had taken it upon themselves to wrangle her get-well presents and carry them all the way from Gallow’s End. It was just the kind of earnest thing someone who could call her a good person without meeting her would do. Morgan gave them a friendly wave and came to meet them at the top of the stairs. “It’s me!” She called. “Come on up, I’ve got snacks I don’t want to move to my new place! You know, you look pretty good for someone who lost an arm today.”

Remmy couldn’t see too well from far away. It was probably the missing eye, but it could’ve also been the pile of stuff in front of them that prevented them from fully seeing Morgan. Just a puff of curly hair and a sweater, right now. “Hey!” They called out, trying to give a wave, but realized they’d drop all the stuff if they did that, so they just gave a shrug. “Coming!” Padded quickly up the stairs until they reached almost reached the top, finally able to see the person waiting for them at the top, pausing in blindsighted surprise. Morgan was shorter than Remmy, but she had one of those cute, innocent faces framed all the more by her bustle of curls on her head. It wasn’t the sight Remmy had been expecting, and this would make the second time they’d almost stumbled into something when seeing a pretty girl for the first time. They tried to hand off the stuff, stuttering to say a proper hello and almost running straight into the pole at the top, a foot catching on one of the stairs.

“Oh my god!” Morgan reached out to snag some of Remmy’s things and put a steadying hand on their arm. They were cold to the touch, about as frozen on the outside as she felt on the inside. Morgan made a careful note of this, in case it helped them figure out what they were, and helped them up the last step. They had lost their balance out of nowhere. “Careful, don’t want you to lose a foot too. Although, who knows, maybe it’s not that big a deal! But uh, you sure you didn’t get any other injuries on the beach?” She smiled at them coyly; there was a flustered look in their face, like they were embarrassed, the way teenagers sometimes got. Heck, the way even she’d sometimes gotten over a pretty face. “We don’t have to talk about it, though, let’s just get inside in one piece, yeah?” She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she spoke and propped open her rickety door for Remmy to come inside.

“Sorry!” Remmy called out, even as they stumbled and tried to catch themself on the railing. “Sorry! I’m just--” Clambered up the last step and onto stable ground, though that wasn’t saying too much for Remmy. Their dad always said they could probably trip over nothing. Standing up straight and holding out the blanket, Remmy gave as much of a grin back as they could, their eyes darting to try and stay focused on Morgan, but having a bit of a rough time with it. This usually happened with new people. “Umm-- yeah. I mean, no! Nothing else! I think. Just a lot of lobsters! Or um-- whatever they were. But yeah! Inside. Let’s do that.” Scooted through the door before turning around to look at Morgan, unsure of what to do now. “Uh-- I didn’t know if you needed anything else! So I brought like...a hat. And some tea! And those handwarmers. They’re great, you can even put them like in your gloves or socks and they make your whole hand or foot warm!” Stood with their hands held out, holding up the aforementioned gifts, a crooked smile on their face.

Morgan curled up at the foot of the bed, nicely cocooned in the thermal blanket for all the good it did and let Remmy talk themselves out. They were a nervous one, and she couldn’t suss out just from observation whether it was her, or the day, or just...Remmy. “Thank you,” she said. “This is really kind of you to do for someone you’ve just talked to a couple times. But listen, I was planning on having some jelly beans with my coffee and watching some old Grey’s Anatomy episodes if you hadn’t come,so you don’t have to stay if hanging out in a room like this with a stranger-like person makes you nervous. And, you know, we can try and unpack some of that stuff you mentioned too, if you did feel like staying around.” She took another sip of her coffee and smiled up at Remmy in a way that she hoped convey her lack of desire to murder them or whatever else they might be worried about. “You just seem tense, which is more than understandable, and I don’t want you stick around because you feel like you have to, okay? This right here is perfect.” She clasped the blanket a little tighter. “I’m good.”

“Oh, well-- you were like super nice when we talked and answered my questions and put up with me,” Remmy immediately said, “And plus I accidentally flaked on helping you pack that one time! But I-I promise it’s not you! Well, I mean, it’s kinda you-- but not in a bad way! In the like ‘you’re really pretty and I didn’t expect that and I sometimes just get really nervous around pretty people’ kind of way! So like… not bad.” They paced a minute, before deciding to force themself to sit down in the one little chair by the bed. “Not that I’m hitting on you or anything! I just think you’re very pretty! And like nice and sweet and you didn’t freak out on me when I told you my arm grew back.” A pause, where they were sure they should need to take a breath, but didn’t. “And I wanna stay! I do. I’m sorry-- the rambling probably doesn’t help. It’s uh-- my doctor said it’s a coping thing. Um, cause my mind races a lot? I guess that happens to vets um...a lot. When they come back. You sure you’re okay? Is the blanket helping? Can I get you more coffee or something?”

So it was just Remmy, poor thing. Morgan couldn’t help but smile wider, fluff her hair back and over the side the way she thought made her look even younger as they stumbled over themselves to explain. Like, very pretty? Who even talked that openly anymore? Did Remmy even know how to be any other way? Morgan was almost afraid to ask. This town had some dark shadows hiding in it, and even if most people she had met were nice, people like Remmy were usually the first ones kicked down and crushed when something went wrong. “Remmy, I would bottle you up and keep you on tap for dark days if I could. Figuratively speaking, of course. Not actually, even if that was a thing that I could do, which it isn’t.You are, as the kids say, too good for this world, Remmy. Grab one of the other blankets and come sit by me. I have all the coffee I need--nothing actually makes me warmer, so I’ve been going with distraction to help facilitate a nice placebo--and I promise not to bite, or hit on you either. Although you are very fine looking yourself and it’s always nice to get some queer attention with a face this girly.” She wriggled her free hand out of her blanket burrito and patted the floor.

Remmy looked over at Morgan, then to the spot next to her. “Oh? I mean, you may not be able to bottle me, but you can definitely message me any time! I don’t sleep a lot or often anymore, cause of all the meds I’m on, although now I’m not sure it’s cause of those. Cause, like, if I’m not human, then, do human drugs work on me? You know?” Swallowed heavily. The word reverberated in Remmy’s head. Queer. Not that it was bad or sounded bad or was negative in anyway, but that ingrained, visceral reaction to hearing the word, the one that was drilled into Remmy’s head, made their fingers wring tightly together. “Is it that obvious?” they blurted without thinking, then stopped, biting their lip. “I mean-- sorry! It’s not that-- I’m not like-- I mean I am like that, it’s just-- new.” They stood up from the chair, sat back down. Looked at the spot next to Morgan and her welcoming face; the blanket burrito looked comfortable, too. Remmy bit the inside of their cheek, before standing up again and tentatively scooting over, sitting down next to Morgan, making sure to not touch her. Their eyes stared holes into the ground in front of them. “I’m not like-- ashamed or anything. I think. At least, not anymore. It’s just-- cause in the military-- with DADT-- and most of the higher ups didn’t approve. But like-- it’s obvious?” Finally, they looked up at Morgan, but only for a brief second, before their eyes fell back to the floor in front of them. They weren’t sure what they wanted the answer to be.

“Oh, Remmy,” Morgan whispered. Whatever she had expected them to say next, it hadn’t been...all of that. This was much more real shit than Grey’s Anatomy. “Wow. Okay….okay…” She breathed out slowly, knowing she should pick her words extra careful. Shit, of course Remmy would be fucked up after DADT. In her head, it was over when it was over, and as bad as things were for people like them, people didn’t talk about it getting back-walked like they did other things. She tried to think about what she would have wanted to hear when she was more scared of herself, or scared for different reasons. What she wished she’d heard after the news broadcasts and the protests blipped off the TV and she crept back to bed, unnoticed by her parents. She had no clue. “Well,” she said gently, watching the ripples in her coffee cup as it quivered, “Straight women don’t get so flustered like that around girls. And second, you’re a ‘they,’ right? I only know that from knowing you and your pronouns, but all the same…” It felt like she was breaking some bad news to Remmy, and she didn’t want to be. But how else did she talk about this when she remembered so vividly-- “Look, I was seven, when they were making jokes about gay plague in the white house press briefing room, and the president was pitying those poor gays, bringing it on themsleves, and my grandma said things like, ‘it’s adam and eve, not adam and steve!’ I didn’t know how I was then. No one did, because I liked my dolls and my dresses so much. But it was in my head when I started figuring it out.” Worse than that, it had convinced her she was the reason so many bad things happened to her family. If all the gays in New York City could bring down a plague, of course one girl could ruin her family. It had been happening since she was born, so why not? Even after her mother told her never, baby, never, this is so much bigger than you, this has nothing to with how special you were made, Morgan had found herself wondering anyway for a long time after. But she wasn’t ready to tell that part to Remmy, or to anyone. “I get how afraid someone can be about this. And you should keep saying...what your are, and that you’re not ashamed. As often as you can. Because it’s probably going to take awhile before you really get there.”

“I don’t know what I am,” Remmy said after a long silence. They were trying to let Morgan’s words settle in, but it felt as if there were trampolines inside their head and everything was just bouncing around with no stopping, no one thought to hold onto. “I mean...I know I’m not...what I was born as. And it’s weird, but that’s somehow easier to accept than being--” they stopped. Maybe they were still ashamed. They couldn’t say the word out loud without feeling their skin bristle and their hands shake and their senses sharpen. Just like when they were in the field, that impending sense of doom. That someone had spotted them, that someone knew, and they were going to hurt them. Because they could. Because they wanted to. Remmy swallowed. “They still said those things, even when I was born. When I was growing up, where I was from. It got you beaten at best, and killed at worst. I didn’t even know until I was older. I couldn’t even entertain the idea that I might be.” They hadn’t even noticed there were tears in their eyes. Remmy scrubbed one away with their sleeve. “Sorry...I know that’s not fair. You lived through a really rough time, too. And-and you very brave, to have been open about it. Sometimes I wish I had been, maybe this’d all be easier. Maybe I wouldn’t be pushing thirty and just now trying to figure out how to talk to pretty girls, you know?” Remmy gave a sniffle and a crooked smile. “But I am now. And I just gotta...think about that.” They scrubbed their face again. “You musta been so scared…” they said quietly.

Morgan stayed still and quiet. She hadn’t been open, was the thing. Sure, she came out to her mom, once in awhile she sat in the back at student meetings. She’d kept a flyer in her notebook about a bus trip to visit the AIDS quilt when it came to Austin once. But she let her sweaters and her makeup do most of the hiding for her, and if she ever stared too long at a girl, or brushed up too close, there was always some excuse and people always seemed ready to take it. She didn’t have her first real date until she was practically Remmy’s age. She still hadn’t had much in the way of a real relationship. How could she, with what happened to her dad? “Yeah, course I was,” she said quickly. “But it was never going to be easy, okay? No matter what disaster you were born in the middle of. I mean that in a nice way. You’re not...doomed or anything just because you’re on your own time. Temporality is different for queer children. Does that make sense?”

The hesitation should have given a Remmy a hint at something else, but they kept quiet. If Morgan didn’t want to bring it up, neither would they. Remmy looked back down at the carpet, playing with a snagged bit that had stuck up and begun to fray. “I don’t think I feel doomed. I just feel...cheated, I guess. Like...I missed so much time. Time that I can’t get back.” They glanced over at Morgan. There was a sort of relief to being able to dump all this on someone, finally, but Remmy still felt that pang of guilt. That saying these things, talking about this, was just dumping their problems on someone else. It was don’t ask, don’t tell for a reason in the military. It wasn’t just queer people that kept their mouths shut. It was everyone with something that showed any bit of weakness or non conformity. Their life had been order and strict and routine for so long they hadn’t realized that time was being stolen from them, bit by bit, as they fell in line and did as ordered. “The first, um-- the first time I kissed a girl was in high school and it scared me so much I pretty much ghosted her for the next two years. Which is kinda...hard to do in a school of only 300 students.” They were quiet again, and found that they really wanted to be closer to Morgan. Scooted slightly. She felt safe. It’d only been five minutes, but Morgan felt safe. “I wish it was easy.”

Morgan noticed Remmy scoot closer to her. She looked over her shoulder at them. She had imagined them as older, even with all the anxiety, they were so reserved, so haunted. But in this moment they just seemed lost. “Maybe one day it will be,” she said. “You’ll...take the leap enough times that you get used to it!” She brightened herself up with a big smile. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, but she hoped it made Remmy feel better all the same. “Not ghosting girls you kiss is probably a good start. I mean, unless that’s something you agree on doing together, in which case, that’s great.”

Remmy gave a little smile, still crooked and tired on their face. But they hoped Morgan got the point. They were grateful for her. “I just don’t want anyone to ever have to suffer like that, you know…” They stopped picking at the carpet. “Not even for myself, I just...don’t want anyone to go through that.” A tiredness settled over them, one they hadn’t felt in a long time. “Yeah, I think I can handle that. The um-- not ghosting anyone.” They scooted a little closer again, then leaned over and set their head on Morgan’s shoulder. She was still shivering slightly, but it didn’t bother Remmy. They just liked being close, to a physical body. “I’m still just figuring out how to navigate being...you know, um...liking girls? And now I might have to try and learn what it means to not be human…” a sigh. “How do you do it?” they asked. “Be so open with it all? The magic, the liking girls...Isn’t it scary?”

Morgan didn’t mind Remmy’s cold little head on her shoulder. As they settled in, she tugged on their arm through the blanket and tucked them around her in a way that felt more cozy to her. She leaned her head in theirs, trying to nest in like those nesting necklace halves, but not quite getting it right around ears and jawlines and tufts of hair. “The magic is actually kind of easy. Kind of. I mean, my shop is Beck’s Witchery, it would be stupid to talk out of both sides of my mouth about that. But when I say I’m a witch, nine times out of ten people assume I mean I burn incense in a pentagram stamped cauldron and like, doodle rhyming spells with the help of my tarot cards. It doesn’t mean anything. I only talk about the alchemy when I think it’s at least reasonably safe to. And if I’m wrong, then they just don’t believe me. They assume I’m delusional, or stupid, or both, and in that case, what’s the point anyway, right?” She sighed and tried to settle into Remmy again. She couldn’t tell if they really were as cold as they felt or if the chill inside her was just that bad. “As for making time with pretty girls, well, I hate to break it to you, but it really was just practice. I um, I was actually your age, basically, when I went on my first date-date.” She laughed. “Is that something people say? Date-date? But my first kiss was a little before then. Real kiss, unless we’re counting drunk truth or dare, which I don’t think we should. She just uh—kinda did it. We met at a bar, danced and drank, and she walked me to my car. ‘I’m gonna kiss you goodnight okay?’ And I was so relieved and excited I didn’t do anything. I just...melted and watched her walk away. Like, crap, people do that? It made me realize I could do it too. Make it into something easy. It’s not so different from magic in that way. You have to say what you want if you want to get anything at all. And then, well, all the practice.”

Remmy let Morgan tuck herself against them, staying still while she adjusted. They missed being close to people. Though their other teammates hadn’t been so openly intimate, Remmy could always count on crawling into a bunk next to Dario and falling asleep in his arms. Moose was a nice cuddle buddy, but it was hard to spoon a dog. “I guess, yeah,” they said, trying to take in exactly what Morgan was saying. It was hard, though, for Remmy to brush people off like that. “I don’t think I’m as um...easy going as you might be. About other people. Maybe that’s not the word, um…” They paused as Morgan shifted. “S-sorry, I can move if…” Cleared their throat. “Oh, uh-- I think people still say date-date. I guess there’s a difference between like, friend-date and date-date.” They reached out to pick at the carpet again. “I’m sorry…” they weren’t sure for what, exactly, but if felt like the only thing to say. “I’m glad you um-- got to experience that though. And learned how to be yourself. Guess we’re all kinda...running late on that dating thing, aren’t we?” They pulled their hands back into their lap, thinking for a moment. “A girl kissed me the other night. Um-- outside a bar. It was….really nice actually. And now she wants to come over and watch movies and I’m freaking out a little.”

“You’re fine, silly,” Morgan laughed. “And by easy-going do you mean demi, or like, just not into hook ups and friends with benefits? Or just like...confidence? These are all big distinctions, and I’m feeling curious.” She nudged Remmy in their side through her blanket, teasing. “And we’re not running late! Not...exactly! We operate under different temporal rules because or coming to understand ourselves has been so historically fucked and endangered! And delayed queer adolescence is a thing and---I’m turning into a lecturer now,” she laughed again. “So tell me more about this girl. And also don’t freak out. You’re a cute, scruffy little stud. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” Well, except getting their heart broken. Which, given this was a rando at a bar, seemed pretty likely. But that wasn’t exactly pep talk material.

Remmy felt their cheeks get a little warm. “Um-- I don’t think I entirely understand what demi is, but um...I guess I’m not really into hook-ups. I like feeling a connection with someone. Never really...considered friends with benefits thing before. There wasn’t really room for um-- sexual experimentation in the army. And since I joined when I was seventeen, I didn’t really...leave myself that room to explore.” Morgan always seemed positive about things, and Remmy liked that. It was a sort of kindred experience. There were a lot of people here, and back at the VA that were nothing but bad vibes and pessimism. Not that Remmy really blamed them, everyone had their own shit going on-- but it was nice to meet another person who also tried to look more on the bright side of things. “It’s okay. To lecture. I don’t know a lot of this stuff. I feel so...outside of the um-- culture? I don’t know...how to explain it. I try my best, but it’s-- there’s a lot.” They couldn’t help but smile at the mention of it, though. “You think I’m cute?” More of a tease, but Morgan was the second person to tell them that. “Oh, um-- her name is Taylor. She’s a singer.”

Morgan nudged Remmy again. “I think you’re very cute. If you ever figure out your stance on friends with benefits, you should definitely let me know.” She wasn’t exactly holding her breath. Remmy was fresh as a baby when it came to the whole intimacy and relationships. Morgan had heard more than one woman swear they never wanted a basket of rainbows and forever, but she didn’t buy it. Maybe it wasn’t what fit everybody, but she couldn’t imagine someone not hoping it might and trying to find it. “A singer? Like, rock and roll, or just a girl and her guitar, or, I guess they come with a ukulele more often now. Either way, not too shabby. But why are you freaking out? If she’s interested in you, what’s to worry about?”

Remmy’s cheeks got warmer. “Oh, um...o-okay.” They swallowed, and were suddenly thankful that Morgan couldn’t see their face right now because it was probably beet red and they were sure their eyes were wider than coins. Remmy had done friends with benefits with a couple of the guys before, but that was because dating was almost strictly forbidden in boot camp, and there wasn’t much time for anything else when they were deployed. “Yeah! A singer. Um-- I think more rock? She’s in a band. It’s called Knot Known. I guess they’re going on tour soon, that’s what she said. I walked her to her car and she gave me her card.” They smiled again, softer. “I-i don’t know why I’m worried. I just...get that really weird feeling in my stomach and like, I’m gonna say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or not be good enough or funny enough or smart enough.”

“Aaw, you like her!” Morgan cooed. “Oof, and after just one meeting. She is either crazy impressive, or you fall hard and fast, bless your heart.” Called it, she thought with a wry grin. “But that’s not always a bad thing. We need more hearts of gold in this cold, cold world. But, you can’t let all those butterflies get the better of you. You just have to be yourself, let yourself enjoy the moment. Like right now but different.”

“What!? No! I mean-- I like her, of course I do! She’s nice and pretty and--” Remmy paused mid-sentence and closed their mouth. Their whole face felt warm now. “I...okay, maybe I do like her, but like-- I don’t know if I’m ready for anything. Or if I want anything to happen? I just…” They crinkled their nose, felt that tightness in their chest again just like that night outside the bar. “It felt really nice. To be...liked by someone like that. N-not that no one’s ever liked me! It’s just always been...guys.”

“Bless your poor heart!” Morgan laughed. “Guys? No shame, or judgement. But guys will get into anything if they think there’s a piece of ass for them in it. That’s their thing. And you don’t really sound like someone who also likes guys, so she’s still your first. Your first serious crush!” She wanted to pinch their cheeks, they were getting as flustered as a child. “Of course it feels different! Just, okay, don’t go too hard, like bring flowers on the first date. Try and keep your cool for a little bit before you fall into big, deep, U-Haul love. And having a crush doesn’t have to mean doing anything about it. If you want to take it slow and steady, you should do that.” Morgan was thinking all of this out as she spoke, but it sounded right, like something a person with relationships would say, and it made enough sense for her to stand by it.

“I mean, I dated guys for a long time,” Remmy said. They understood that dating guys before didn’t take away from who they were now, or even back then, but the idea of being an imposter among queer peers still plauged them when they thought too much about it. Not realizing you were gay until you were 28 didn’t seem like a very shared experience. “Oh, yeah-- o-okay. I mean...I’m not even sure it’s a date. It’s just movies and stuff. U-haul l-love?” They blinked, finally sat up, looked at Morgan confusedly. “I don’t know...what that means.” Furrowed their brow. “There should be like...a book for all this. Or like a youtube tutorial video.”

Morgan looked at Remmy with a fond kind of pity, so alone! So anxious! So much life ahead of them! “It’s just a thing people say, or said, maybe I’m dating myself. But it’s just this idea that, when it comes to women dating each other, they’ll get attached super quickly, and by the second date they’ll want to move in together. And, I have seen that sort of thing happen before so it’s not just a cliche about femmes having too many feelings, but that’s beside the point,” she explained. “Just find your way between having fun in the moment in being careful. That’s the most anyone can do, right? And the good news is that these days there probably are a lot more resources for you right now. Just just have to give yourself time to look for them! Ooh, you should see if the VA will pay for you to go to UMWC! You can get a minor in gay studies. But—besides the point! Just, do the thing I said before, and you’ll probably be fine.”

Remmy couldn’t quite place the look on Morgan’s face, but it was definitely one they’d seen before. Tilting their head, they listened intently to her talk. She sure could talk an ear off, that was for sure. It kinda made Remmy smile. “After only two dates!?” they said, exasperated. “Geez...I don’t think I could ever do that. As much as I like people…” a shrug, chin tucked into their shoulder in a shy gesture. “Oh, I-- I’m not smart enough for that. I barely graduated high school. It’s sorta why I went into the military, you know? I didn’t really have any other options… But, um-- thanks for the vote of confidence. It um...means a lot.”

“Okay, so, maybe a slight exaggeration,” Morgan confessed. “But you get the idea. Two girls who met in my masters program did go from zero to living together in a week, though. But, you should really think about college! Maybe take some online community classes. You can learn, Remmy. You’re worth taking a chance on at least, right?”

“Wow, that’s…” Remmy shook their head, “I can’t even fathom that. Maybe it’s just me, though. I try not to judge people though. If that’s what they wanna do…” They looked over at Morgan, smiling a little brighter now. The day had had a rough start, and even though they still had so many questions about what they were and how to deal with it, they felt okay. They knew they’d be okay if there were people like Morgan in their life. “I guess I could look into it...a sort of friend offered me a job at his garage if I could get the schooling. Not sure I wanna be a mechanic, though. Too close to following in my dad’s footsteps.” They made a decision, then, nodding. “Whatever does happen, I’m gonna figure this out for you, Morgan. You’ve helped me so much, it’s the least I could do.”

“Oh, don’t,” Morgan said dryly. The words had slipped loose before she could think better. Maybe it was the cold was finally getting to her head. Maybe Remmy was making her melt around the edges, guilting her with all their sad young puppy eyes, their earnestness, their energy. For someone who’d seen a battle zone, Remmy was relentless, even optimistic, at least about the world; about other people. “Let’s just watch some Grey’s, we have time for that right?” she said, shrugging it off like she was only talking about their situation here and now, like she wasn’t afraid the universe would hear them and pull on just that one thread to fuck with her, unraveling what little she’d managed to scrounge together here.

Remmy’s face twisted a moment. That wasn’t the reply they’d been expecting. Sure, they didn’t know what they’d expected Morgan to say, but it wasn’t that. Still...Remmy couldn’t just leave her when she was sick like this, and all she wanted to do was watch some TV with a friend. Remmy could give her that. The chest wasn’t going anywhere, anyway. They could go check it out tomorrow, later at night, when everyone else was tucked in bed and they were lying awake staring at the grey ceiling of their apartment. “Yeah…” they said, sitting back down and settling back against Morgan, shoulder to shoulder. “We’ve got time for that.”

#chatzy #chatzy: morgan #morgan #intro to queer #a much needed talk

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empress-of-snark · 7 years ago

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(this is one of my favorite headers by @caseyblu)

ANT-MAN (2016)

AKA: Marvel tries its hand at a heist movie (and succeeds).

(Spoilers for Ant-Man, my dudes.)

I remember when this movie was first announced and no one was really excited for it. Ant-Man is not one of the more famous Marvel characters and everyone was so busy rallying for Black Widow to get her own movie that no one cared that Paul Rudd was gonna be a superhero.

When it came out, I think it still got ignored. Or, at least, it wasn’t as hyped as other MCU movies. I didn’t even see it in theaters, like I usually do. But I remember being pleasantly surprised the first time I saw it at how much better it was than I expected.

Like Winter Soldier, it’s a bit of a genre change. It doesn’t really feel like a superhero movie until the last ten minutes or so. Everything before that is a heist. But, like Winter Soldier, it does it very very well.

Scott Lang is another Tony Stark-like figure who’s a bit of a mess but grows into a hero. However, he’s actually a pretty nice guy at the beginning. He’s a burglar, yes, but he’s kind of a Robin Hood-like burglar. Plus, he’s got a daughter that he cares deeply about. That’s actually an interesting difference from standard MCU movies. No other heroes have families they really care for, or with whom they have good relationships. Tony doesn’t have any actual family left. Thor has Loki, but it’s a very rocky relationship. Closest we get is Clint, and he’s one step away from being a supporting character rather than a lead hero.

Point is, it’s a unique plot point, and it makes the movie more heartwarming. Cassie is absolutely adorable and Scott’s interactions with her just emphasize what a likeable/sympathetic character he is.

Scott’s three friends bring a lot of humor to the movie and pretty much steal every scene they’re in, especially Luis. I can’t decide if this is a bad thing or not, since you want your focus on the main character most of the time, but they make the movie so much more enjoyable that I think it’s okay. Scott is still enough of an engaging character to keep the attention when he needs to.

I think my one big criticism of this movie is that it falls into the annoyingly familiar trope of “woman is entirely capable of doing a job, but for whatever reason, she’s Not Allowed To and must train a less-competent man to do it instead.” (used to some degree in The Lego Movie, The Matrix, Kung-Fu Panda, and many others, I’m sure) Yeah, Hank Pym is really just trying to protect his daughter, since his wife/her mother died in a similar mission, and Scott and Hope have a nice little scene where he says “I’m expendable, that’s why I’m the one doing the job,” but it just seems like the movie is trying really hard to justify why Hope can’t go on the mission even though she’s an expert.

At least that looks to be fixed in the sequel! The Wasp finally takes flight!

Aside from that, it’s nice to see two MCU fathers who aren’t dead/evil/manipulative/etc. A lot of Marvel superheroes have some pretty serious daddy issues, so I really like that Hank and Hope are reconciled by the end of the film, and Scott is getting to play a larger part in Cassie’s life.

Finally, Falcon’s cameo was obviously the best part of the movie.

All in all, Marvel was able to take what seemed like a not very interesting hero and turn it into a thoroughly enjoyable movie! It’s a shame that more people don’t talk about this one.

RANKINGS: Hero: 7.5 ants out of 10. Unlike Tony, Thor, and Dr. Strange, Scott starts off as a genuinely nice guy. He doesn’t really have his life together yet, but we still like him. Plus, he’s funny and tries hard to be a good dad. His only drawback is the fact that Hope could easily replace him and probably do the job better.

Villain: 5 yellowjackets out of 10. Darren Cross is a good villain in that every time he talks, you go “Uuuggh, this guy again.” He’s just a real jerky guy. But other than that he’s not the most interesting character. We get hints at his backstory/motivations but nothing to make him even a little bit sympathetic.

Supporting characters: 8.5 wasps out of 10. Hope, Hank, Scott’s family, Luis and the boys are all great supporting characters. They help drive the story forward and are super interesting (and hilarious) along the way. And again, Cassie is so cute. Female characters: 6 Bechdels out of 10. This one just barely passes the Bechdel test because of a very brief conversation between Cassie and Maggie about her stuffed toy. Pretty sure Hope never interacts with another woman onscreen. However, all three female characters are very important to the plot. Cassie is the whole reason why Scott is desperate for money and agrees to the mission in the first place, Maggie is the one preventing him from seeing her, and Hope trains him for the mission. She also serves as the obligatory love interest, but whatever.

Action scenes: 8.5 punches out of 10. It’s hard to rate a heist movie based on its action sequences because there aren’t many, but the unique twist of Scott being able to change size makes its few fight scenes endlessly entertaining.

Stan Lee: 8 cameos out of 10. He shows up at the very end, as a bartender in one of Luis’s rambling stories. This is honestly one of the funnier cameos of his to date.

Charisma: 8 points out of 10. The movie feels fairly consistent in pacing, with the exception of a couple of scenes that go a little fast. However, the themes of protecting one’s family and spending time with them while you still can carry through the entire movie, both with Scott and his family, and Hank and Hope. Its lighthearted tone leaves you feeling good.

In total: 51.5 out of 65, about a 79%. Pretty close to its Rotten Tomatoes score of 82%.

Sorry this one was a little late. Next is Captain America: Civil War!

#marvel #ant man #great marvel rewatch of 2k18

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fa-nfiction · 8 years ago

Text

Thunder #18

“RICHAAAAAAAAAARRRDDD.” I groaned from the bed. Or well, it was more of a howl, and the bed was my den. For the past few weeks, contractions had appeared out of nowhere, only to stop a few hours later. I had been ordered bed rest until my due date, and I was losing my mind. The day in London had been the worst. The contractions had even made me dilate, and the panic of delivering Teagan way too early had set up camp in my mind. I was nervous all the time. Nervous, and losing my mind with boredom.

“What?” He popped his head through the door and smiled widely at me. My hair was messy and unkempt, but I was wearing my pink dress. I had put it on in order to NOT look like some kind of savage.

“I. Am. So. FUCKING. Bored, Richard.” I groaned angrily. My back was aching, my feet were swollen, and I had to pee all the time. Thank you, Teagan. Mommy’s little angel.

“Watch your mouth, dear. I might have to come over and kiss you if you don’t.” He winked at me. It was almost enough to make me smile, and yet, it wasn’t.

“Why doesn’t this FUCKING thing have any decent apps?” I waved his iPad in the air as if to summon some excitement from high above.

“It actually is possible to get some apps on your own. You don’t need me for that, darling.” He said and went back to the kitchen. He was the perfect chef, but the excessive amounts of delicious food didn’t do much for my already too big body.

I huffed with annoyance and went to open the app store once more. I had watched three series on Netflix and was fed up. I needed excitement. I needed to go out. But at the same time, I did not want to cause any new contractions. I wasn’t afraid of the pain - I could handle that - I was afraid of what might happen to Teagan if she were to be born right now. I couldn’t bear the thought of tiny Teagan, being wheeled away from me, and examined by a bunch of doctors before she had even seen her mother. I simply couldn’t. And so, I kept my bed rest.

Richard had begun to order groceries from the stores in the area, so he didn’t have to leave my side. This dreadful pregnancy caused nervousness in the both of us, it seemed. And like that, I hardly reacted as the doorbell rang. The runners from the stores were usually young people who wanted to earn a little extra. They were usually quite surprised to find Richard answering the door, as he looked perfectly capable to carry his groceries himself. I smiled at the thought as I heard him yell “got it, dear” and walking through the hallway to answer.

A moment later, I heard that he had raised his voice. I tried to make out his words, but I couldn’t. Slowly, I managed to get out of the bed and went to the door to listen.

“Like HELL you are going to see her.”

What? A man’s voice, also raised, could be heard from outside, but I couldn’t hear it clearly. I moved closer.

“Get the HELL away from us, or I’m going to ... I’m gonna …”

Whaa …? I had never been this confused before. Why is he yelling at the runner? I heard the other man’s voice again. Somewhere in the very back of my brain, I was beginning to connect the dots.

“And she’s not in a state where she can handle surprises!” Richard yelled at the man. I could see his back, straightened with shoulders squared. His “trying to scare people off” stance.

“I believe I can speak for myself, Richard.” I said as I went closer. He spun around because of the surprise, and I caught sight of the man in the door. My jaw dropped at about the same time as my heart. Thankfully, Richard began to speak before I could begin gawking too much.

“Cassie - you’re up. You shouldn’t be up, dear. Go back to bed, I’ll sort this out-”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s not good for you, it’s not good for the baby, please, Cassie-”

“I’ll do what I damn please in my OWN apartment, Richard.”

“You can’t handle the stress! Please! Think about what he did-”

“I will be DAMN sure to decide for myself, Richard. Now, PLEASE. Move away.”

He clenched his jaw at my words. Hastily, he turned around and strutted into the living room. I looked at our visitor and shrugged as if to apologize.

“Commanding type, is he?”

Michael asked. I smiled meekly at the question. He looked the same as he’d always done, and yet he looked so, so different. He had lost weight and was almost becoming too thin for his height. His hair was slightly longer. I noticed that it had a natural curl to it. Somehow, I had never seen this before. But the strangest difference was the way he held himself. His shoulders were low, his one hand tucked away in his jeans pocket, and his eyes lightless, almost sad as they looked at me.

“You’re together?”

The question was rhetorical. Before I could, he’d answered the question himself.

“I’m happy for you.”

I felt Teagan kicking and put a hand on the place where I’d felt her foot. In my mind, I prayed that I wouldn’t go into contractions now. Michael’s eyes followed my hand and looked at the belly. There wasn’t a single expression in his face except the slightest bit of sadness.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. A couple of seconds had passed, but it felt like an eternity of awkwardness. It was strange standing like this, a few feet apart, and yet we had never been further away from each other.

“Well, I …” It looked like he’d prepared something to say, but discarded it.

“I just … I wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m fine, Michael. I really am.” I smiled a little too widely as I patted the belly, and Teagan made a long kick below my hand.

“We are fine.”

His face lit up in a sad smile as he looked at me. His eyes glided down to the belly and up again, and I thought about back when they wouldn’t be this shy. The thought was drowned by my conscience.

“You look … great. Right with the glow and … well, everything.”

“Thank you.”

I supported my hand against the corner of the walls and once again, I smiled too much at him. I hadn’t forgotten my anger, but I’d make damn sure that he didn’t found out. I had to look perfect and happy and thriving. Somehow, it seemed to work.

“Uh, I … I brought you these. I thought, maybe you’d still like them, or … well. You can just throw it out it you don’t need them. I don’t care.”

He handed me a white grocery bag, and I managed to keep my cool as his fingers touched mine. He did the same.

I looked into the bag. He’s bought me churros. I managed to keep composed, but inside my mind, I was a mess. This was the sweetest gift I had received in a long time.

“Oh … oh, wow. You remembered. Thank you, Michael. These are … these are great.”

“You can just. I don’t know. Donate to someone who needs it if you don’t. Birds in the park-” He said, his voice a tad less sad and tad more playful. Almost like I remembered it.

Before everything had gone bad.

“I’m sure I’ll find something useful for them. Thank you. That was a grand thing you did.”

I smiled at him, looked at the churros and smiled again. This was the amount of honesty I could handle showing him. No more than that.

I heard Richard clearing the throat from the living room, and I knew I had to wrap things up. Michael did, too.

“So … is the baby o.k.?” He asked.

“She’s fine.”

“Oh, it’s a girl?” His face had a strange look of sadness and happiness in it. I couldn’t tell what he felt.

“We think it is.”

“And she’s doing well?” He leaned against the doorframe. Memories of a night spent with that door open, in this very hallway, sneaked into my mind. Once again, I discarded the thoughts.

“She is. She’s thriving, and growing just as much as she should. There have been-”

He listened intently to my rambling, but I managed to stop myself. He didn’t need to know.

“- no complications at all.” I straightened my back and smiled to conceal the lie. He smiled a strange, defeated smile back at me.

“That’’s great. I’m so happy for you, Cas.”

“Cassie.” I corrected him.

“Sorry.” He clicked his tongue in his mouth and smiled slightly. “Old habits and all.”

“Yea.”

“What do you say in circumstances like these … uh, good luck?” He backed out the door and turned to move down the stairs. I laughed slightly and went to close the door after him.

“Hah. Thanks. And thanks for the churros.”

He was already down the first flight of stairs as he turned around and looked up at me.

“You’re welcome … Cas.”

I caught a glimpse of a smile that I remembered, and my heart jumped.

( … )

“Well? What did he want?” Richard asked as I turned after having closed the door behind me. He was standing in the doorway to the living room, still with that broadened stance and arms crossed.

“He wanted to see how I was. And give me this.” I waved the grocery bag in the air.

“Well, you can just as well throw it out I guess.”

“Why would I do that?” I replied, confused.

“Why wouldn’t you? He can’t possibly buy you anything that you can’t get from me-”

My confusion turned to anger. “Excuse me, what? What did you say?”

“Why do you want anything from him?” Richard looked annoyed, but I was getting angrier by the second.

“So that’s what it’s going to be like?” I snarled. “You’re deciding which gifts I can keep? And which guests that are allowed at my door?” My voice became louder, and Teagan moved inside of me. I supported the belly with one hand and leaned against the corner with the other.

“Cassie, please, don’t be upset, I-”

“Oh, and which things I’m allowed to fucking FEEL?”

He clenched his jaw while closing his eyes. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve known that this was his face of regret, but this wasn’t normal circumstances. This was me, pregnant, hormonal, and now also furious. I remembered the times when Richard had tried to shield me from things that made me upset and the times when he’d tried to protect me from some unknown danger that only he knew. I had been anxious back then, but he hadn’t helped. He had controlled me, tried to tame me. He had even made me cut my beloved smoking. Twice.

“Cassie, I- I’m sorry. It’s - I got so angry when I saw him, and the things he did to you, and I was worried about our baby, I really- I’m so sorry-”

He stammered, and I sensed that he was only an inch away from sitting down on his begging knees. I, however, didn’t back down.

“My baby. She’s my baby.” I narrowed my eyes and looked at him as if he were a piece of trash. For a second, he looked confused.

“W-what?”

“No matter what, she’s my baby. You have nothing to say in this. Michael -” I paused and tried to forget how it made me feel to say his name. “-has nothing to say. No matter who’s the father. She’s mine.”

I had taken a few steps forwards, and the fact that he scuttled backwards made me think I must have looked like an inferno waiting to happen. I felt like it, too. Enough with the control. Enough with the protecting. I don’t need anyone but me.

“... And I’ll take care of her by myself if that’s the only thing I’m ever going to do.” My voice came out with an unintentional snarl, and Richard was now completely defeated.

“Maybe I should leave, Cassie, I’m -” “You fucking think?” I snarled back.

It didn’t take more than a moment for him to collect the few things he had at my place. A moment later, I slammed the door shut behind him as he left.

As I realized what I had done, I began to shake with the emotion. I sat down, back against the door, and rested my hands on the belly.

“Everything’s going to be fine, darling.” I whispered to Teagan. I closed my eyes and tried to believe that it was true.

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