#SORRY DSJKGSKJGSDG

[disastersteps]

more anita thoughts- because its hitting me that by the end of this month (june 28- i checked the first time i ever drew their first design)

and looking back, i really thought anita is soft, was a constant in yearning, and depression is their name. longing and heartbroken because they cannot exist in the same world as others, in the same space as julia ortega.

now? anita is.

burying their yearning, their wanting, their desires and happiness into the dirt. dug with their fingers and put them to their grave. anita don't think they deserve any of these. they don't fucking deserve any of it.

they're frustrated, pissed, and just so so mad at the Farm, at themself, at their ability to unable to retain that life they missed.

Yet, they're still sad and soft and yearning. Yet, they still feel sad and bitter at the simple thought of unable to achieve the normal life, and all they have is. a fight. against the very people that took them back. the very people that ruin not just them but others.

they were soft, a little shit, and a bit of cocky but a bit of awkwardness in their name, they were snarky and full of wits. love tinkering with tech, and always have a bad posture when working on their laptop as sidestep.

and as harbinger, they're withdrawn, quiet and frustrated. calculating and thoughtful than they expected to be. always on the move, need to keep moving, need to kill it before it kills them. they still joke, they still chuckle, they still talk but it was always always underneath of 'don't look at me just because i'm broken. (i am. i am broken. pleasedon'tlookatme.)

and despite it, they're still soft under the thick layer, between the tattoos, they're so soft it hurts.

and it all started in a little quiet cafe, having hot creamy coffee that nearly burn their tongue at the sound of their old name, and a face they desparetly try to burn it out. to kill it.

to kill the very yearning- the longing, the wanting--

julia ortega throwing a wrench into the gears they worked so hard to build up. and spend the last two years avoiding her til now.

and this is why i love mcsqueezing anita and also. honestly sidestep in general because i want to bite them (affectionate AND AAAAAA at once)