#SOMEDAY HOPEFULLY YES? THAT'S PROBABLY NOT THE ANSWER YOU'RE HOPING FOR THOUGH

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Hi! I found your avatar piece a few days ago and its absolutely lovely! Not trying to push, just curious if you were planning on updating it? Hope you're keeping safe!

Anonymous asked:

I’m sorry to like bother u, but.... The atla les mis au is soooo good and I wondered if u were gonna write more, because it is really really cool but if not that is totaly ok and understaneble. So yeah

Ah yes, things we lost in the fire.  Do I aspire to update?  Absolutely.  I love the universe and I really want to talk about Cosette and Enjolras overthrowing their dad together.  I also really want someone to hug Grantaire and tell him what the Avatar is actually supposed to be for, ideally perhaps Roku, instead of letting him languish forever in purgatory over how he’s supposed to be a weapon for the Earth Kingdom against the Fire Nation.  And I do tend to amble back around to the Les Mis stuff I’ve got going every year or two, so it’s even probable that, eventually, I will complete those.

Unfortunately

Please address all letters of complaint to the ADHD Gods and throw one in there about my sleep schedule while you’re at it.

[itsclydebitches]

Here's a quandary I've suddenly found myself in: where do you stand on writers deleting their own works, fanfiction or otherwise? I've had this happen to me on more than one occasion - I go to look for an old favorite and find it's since been deleted from whatever site I read it on.

On the one hand, I'm inclined to think that, "Sure. The author wrote it, it's their call. I don't own the work - I certainly didn't pay for it. It's their decision, even if it's disappointing."

But at the same time I can't help but consider the alternative - if I believe in death of the author (and I do), that an author's work fundamentally isn't solely theirs once it's been published, posted, etc., then it also seems wrong to have a work deleted. Stories aren't the sole property of their creator, after all.

But then I circle back. D'you think there are different obligations between authors and readers and the works being made in fandom space? I know if I had bought a book and the author decided they wanted it back, I would feel pretty comfortable telling them no, given I'd paid for it and whatnot. But that's a different world from fanfic and fandom space generally.

So. You're insightful Clyde, I'm curious as to what you'll have to say here (and to all y'all thinking about it, don't flame me. I haven't decided where I stand here yet - haven't heard a good nail-in-the-coffin argument for or against yet).

Val are you a mind reader now? I’ve been thinking about this exact conundrum the last few days!

(And yeah, as a general disclaimer: no flaming. Not allowed. Any asks of the sort will be deleted on sight and with great satisfaction.)

Honestly, I’m not sure there is a “nail-in-the-coffin argument” for this, just because—as you lay out—there are really good points for keeping works around and really good points for allowing authors to have control over their work, especially when fanworks have no payment/legal obligations attached. In mainstream entertainment, your stories reflect a collaborative effort (publisher, editor, cover artists, etc.) so even if it were possible to delete the physical books out of everyone’s home and library (and we're ignoring the censorship angle for the moment), that’s no longer solely the author’s call, even if they have done the lion’s share of the creative work. Though fanworks can also, obviously, be collaborative, they’re usually not collaborative in the same way (more “This fic idea came about from discord conversations, a couple tumblr posts, and that one headcanon on reddit”) and they certainly don’t have the same monetary, legal, and professional strings attached. I wrote this fic as a hobby in my free time. Don’t I have the right to delete it like I also have the right to tear apart the blankets I knit?

Well yes… but also no? I personally view fanworks as akin to gifts—the academic term for our communities is literally “gift economy”—so if we view it like that, suddenly that discomfort with getting rid of works is more pronounced. If I not only knit a blanket, but then gift it to a friend, it would indeed feel outside of my rights to randomly knock on their door one day and go, “I actually decided I hate that? Please give it back so I can tear it to shreds, thanks :)” That’s so rude! And any real friend would try to talk me out of it, explaining both why they love the blanket and, even if it’s not technically the best in terms of craftsmanship, it holds significant emotional value to them. Save it for that reason alone, at least. Fanworks carry that same meaning—“I don’t care if it’s full of typos, super cliché, and using some outdated, uncomfortable tropes. This story meant so much to me as a teenager and I’ll always love it”—but the difference in medium and relationships means it’s easier to ignore all that. I’m not going up to someone’s house and asking face-to-face to destroy something I gave them (which is awkward as hell. That alone deters us), I’m just pressing a button on my computer. I’m not asking this of a personal friend that is involved in my IRL experiences, I’m (mostly) doing this to online peers I know little, if anything, about. It’s easy to distance ourselves from both the impact of our creative work and the act of getting rid of it while online. On the flip-side though, it’s also easier to demean that work and forget that the author is a real person who put a lot of effort into this creation. If someone didn’t like my knitted blanket I gave them as a gift, they’re unlikely to tell me that. They recognize that it’s impolite and that the act of creating something for them is more important than the construction’s craftsmanship. For fanworks though, with everyone spread around the world and using made up identities, people have fewer filters, happily tearing authors to shreds in the comments, sending anon hate, and the like. The fact that we’re both prefacing this conversation with, “Please don’t flame” emphasizes that. So if I wrote a fic with some iffy tropes, “cringy” dialogue, numerous typos, whatever and enough people decided to drag me for it… I don’t know whether I’d resist the urge to just delete the fic, hopefully ending those interactions. There’s a reason why we’re constantly reminding others to express when they enjoy someone else’s work: the ratio of praise to criticism in fandom (or simply praise to seeming indifference because there was no public reaction at all), is horribly skewed.

So I personally can’t blame anyone for deleting. I’d like to hope that more people realize the importance of keeping fanworks around, that everything you put out there is loved by someone… but I’m well aware that the reality is far more complicated. It’s hard to keep that in mind. It’s hard to keep something around that you personally no longer like. Harder still to keep up a work you might be harassed over, that someone IRL discovered, that you’re disgusted with because you didn’t know better back then… there are lots of reasons why people delete and I ultimately can’t fault them for that. I think the reasons why people delete stem more from problems in fandom culture at large—trolling, legal issues, lack of positive feedback, cancel culture, etc.—than anything the author has or has not personally done, and since such work is meant to be a part of an enjoyable hobby… I can’t rightly tell anyone to shoulder those problems, problems they can’t solve themselves, just for the sake of mine or others’ enjoyment. The reason I’ve been thinking about this lately is because I was discussing Attack on Titan and how much I dislike the source material now, resulting in a very uncomfortable relationship with the fics I wrote a few years back. I’ve personally decided to keep them up and that’s largely because some have received fantastic feedback and I’m aware of how it will hurt those still in the fandom if I take them down. So if a positive experience is the cornerstone of me keeping fics up, I can only assume that negative experiences would likewise been the cornerstone of taking them down. And if getting rid of that fic helps your mental health, or solves a bullying problem, or just makes you happier… that, to me, is always more important than the fic itself.

But, of course, it’s still devastating for everyone who loses the work, which is why my compromise-y answer is to embrace options like AO3’s phenomenal orphaning policy. That’s a fantastic middle ground between saving fanworks and allowing authors to distances themselves from them. I’ve also gotten a lot more proactive about saving the works I want to have around in the future. Regardless of whether we agree with deleting works or not, the reality is we do live in a world where it happens, so best to take action on our own to save what we want to keep around. Though I respect an author’s right to delete, I also respect the reader’s right to maintain access to the work, once published, in whatever way they can. That's probably my real answer here: authors have their rights, but readers have their rights too, so if you decide to publish in the first place, be aware that these rights might, at some point, clash. I download all my favorite fics to Calibre and, when I’m earning more money (lol) I hope to print and bind many for my personal library. I’m also willing to re-share fic if others are looking for them, in order to celebrate the author’s work even if they no longer want anything to do with it. Not fanfiction in this case, but one of my fondest memories was being really into Phantom of the Opera as a kid and wanting, oh so desperately, to read Susan Kay’s Phantom. Problem was, it was out of print at the time, not available at my library, and this was before the age of popping online and finding a used copy. For all intents and purposes, based on my personal situation, this was a case of a book just disappearing from the world. So when an old fandom mom on the message boards I frequented offered to type her copy up chapter by chapter and share it with me, you can only imagine how overjoyed I was. Idk what her own situation was that something like scanning wouldn’t work, but the point is she spent months helping a fandom kid she barely knew simply because a story had resonated with her and she wanted to share it. That shit is powerful!

So if someone wants to delete—if that’s something they need right now—I believe that is, ultimately, their decision… but please try your hardest to remember that the art you put out into the world is having an impact and people will absolutely miss it when it’s gone. Often to the point of doing everything they can to put it back out into the world even if you decide to take it out. Hold onto that feeling. The love you have for your favorite fic, fanart, meta, whatever it is? Someone else has that for your work too. I guarantee it.

So take things down as needed, but for the love of everything keep copies for yourself. You may very well want to give it back to the world someday.

[kyunsies]

hello hello mädchen <3 i hope you're doing good today and it is lovely where you are

i am slowly feeling better thank you - i'm still have trouble with sleep but i hope that it gets better soon. 😢😢😢 your words. you are super amazing too and so kind. i feel we have very similar tendencies too and it's a really good thing sometimes but can also be a not so good thing. idk if you've tried this but i'm trying to try less hard? not that like i don't want to work hard but it feels like sometimes i cross that line where it's too much and it actually makes it worse? like to let go enough to be able to appreciate my work as opposed to try and kill myself over it? idk i don't know if it will work but i want to try? i've just moved to a new agent/rep that will hopefully be better for my mental health just cause they seem nicer and will stress me out less.

your job sounds really thorough though. do you enjoy it? i 100% agree with you though! i like to buy good quality clothes too, but that's probably because i really don't buy loads either so each piece feels like an investment? what did you get? is it warm where you are? or have you been investing in more wintry stuff? i so so rarely get multiple versions of albums! i always really to but then i wonder if i;m going overboard and if i end up looking at the photobooks? i got the comma and xiesta photobooks last year and now i'm not sure if i wanna sell them on to a monbebe that will appreciate them more? hmm just me overthinking probably? leather platform shoes sound AMAZING. hahah i do the same though if i know i want to spend some money so i usually wait for the following month sometimes even though i know i'm gonna get the thing anyway? haha.

i'm back to heaven as my fave now!! i'm so so so looking forward to mx eng2 but i agree with you. like these careers are so so so short i'm sure they're aware of this and just want to live their career to their full.

ahhhhh 😢😢😢i love you lots and honestly i was so scared my last year of uni too. i don't think older generations get how much harder it is for people our age when we leave uni and stuff to just start a live that is nice and happy and fulfilling. so you're not alone and honestly even now i feel the same way just after i left uni. BUT you know you have the ability and that means you'll always be able to find a way. i was gonna buy five versions of an album today so i am deffo not the most responsible haha XD but thank you and also know that being insecure means that you're human and not an asshole because honestly all the people that were so overconfident that i've ever known (and i don't mean like - putting it on to help them get through stuff or performing but legit thought they were all that) have all been assholes. so it means you have a good heart and you will always find a way. i don't deserve being looked up to honestly but i'm honored you think i am <3 i'll always keep working hard - i wish i could give you a hug in person and let you know that things will be okay! please always feel ok to tell me your troubles and anything as well. am always here for anything you need too <3

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxx 🦢

babe i am finallyyyyyyyyyy answering this now ;___; i'm so sorry i kept u waiting but i wanted to answer this with all of my attention and not when i was busy bc that wouldn't have been fair to u :( so i hope u have been well and thank u so much for being patient !!! also u used my full name ........ what if i loved u with my whole heart <3

have u finally been able to get the rest you need ? i know work can keep our anxieties on high alert, which makes us even more inclined to burn out :( i hope u are able to rest well soon and not worry too much about work in the future ;____; but like i always say i'm really proud of u for pushing thru anything bubbie like u could easily just give up or have a mental block but if there's one thing i know both of us pride ourselves in it's always finding a way to handle stress no matter what the cost it does to our mental heath etc ....... which could be a bad thing but also there's lots to be said about how our work ethic is right ?? also LDSKFJS not trying hard .......... i think u mean like not stressing myself over every little thing right? there's a saying "don't cry over spilled milk" like CHILL it's okay it's just a mistake just clean it up and move on :') i really wish i can learn this mentality in the future ...... i just don't have those types of ppl around me in nursing school bc all of us are always on edge so i think i'm missing ppl like that in my life (besides my family but to an extent they can be classified as type A personalities too skjflfj) but anyways; u said u moved onto a new agency?? i hope that works well for u and they are able to allow u to grow and create things freely <3 good luck !!!

my job is just okay !! i won't be doing this in the future but it's nice to know that for a fact i don't think i could work in an office setting like this for the rest of my life HHH but it's okay, i don't mind organizing things for other ppl esp if it will help the company in the long run !!! and about my clothes SLKDFJ i totally agree !!! like we said we don't like our bank account hitting below a certain number so everything i buy is like an "investment" like u said hehe so most of the things i buy for example jeans are over $70 for me but i know i'll probably go a whole year not buying another pair and wearing those most likely everyday lol u know ? it's very warm where i am (most days lol) so i've been buying some light weight clothing !!! i don't like wearing jean shorts or anything like that, my fav material to wear in the summer is linen and cotton so i've been buying a lot of flowy linen pants <3 i got a pair from the store madewell, and bc i was on holiday this week i went to this one swimsuit store called everything but water and they sell pricier swimwear but i get so fed up trying to go to cheaper stores to look for swim tops bc i have bigger boobs hhhh and nothing makes me feel comfortable in my own skin so i don't mind spending money on something i feel comfortable in !! anyways i bought a bathing suit from there and then i think that's it ?? i was going to buy some jo malone perfume but it's so expensive so i didn't ;____;

U ARE BACK ON THE HEAVEN TRAIN WOO HOO <3 lol it is such a good song ....... i told u it's in my top 3 comfort songs <3 and about the eng album !!! yes i totally agree, i think they're aware of how much they're doing and honestly i think they should take advantage at every opportunity that comes their way as long as they feel that have control of the situation :)

and ALL OF THIS LAST MESSAGE MADE ME CRY WHEN I READ THIS :((( i tell my mom about all my anons lololol and she knows about u and ur work and i read this last part to her and she thought it was so sweet of u to say ;_____; it's kinda comforting knowing i am not the only one who has these doubts about the last year of uni :( i don't get much feedback from my family (besides my mom and grandparents) about if they're proud of me or not , i don't think they really get how hard it is for me being a nursing student but i just want to do well at whatever i do :( i want to be able to look at myself and go "hey u know what ur doing and ur doing really well".... i just hope i get there someday ;____; i have so many anxieties and maybe i need to talk to someone about them bc i think they hinder my nursing performance rather than help me but just knowing someone like u cares out there ........ i mean u know me but we have never met and u are so sure about my abilities and i can't tell u how thankful i am for someone like u <3 truly brings tears to me eyes <3 i want to give u a hug too :( thank u for ur kind words always i could cry right now ;_____;

[ms-rampage]

Eden's Gate: Left Behind Chapter 3 - First Encounter

Warnings: Does sorta cutesy stuff count?

Word count: 2k

Once again John is out of character 😂😂, a certain Pepper girl is introduced, Kate has a few minor Sam Winchester moments and talks with a K9. Like I said in the other chapters, I added the University, and the Diner/Cafe for this series because #HeacanonShit.

Alissa (FC: Rhea Ripley)

Morgan (FC: Kathryn Newton)

****************************

For the past few days John watched over Kate, and got very little to no information about her.

She must be a very private person. 

"Where is she from?".

"What's her first name? Middle name?" 

"What's her birthday?" 

"What are her hobbies?" 

"Does she like planes?".

He was basically driving himself insane trying to get anything on her. 

He knows Joseph is right, but what if he isn’t?. What if she doesn’t like him?.

What if she doesn’t like men? Is she a sinner? A nonbeliever?. 

He didn’t even have the damn courage to approach her, and when he did, he kept getting interrupted by his men. They always called for him at a bad time, that's all they’re good for, bad timing. 

Tapping the keys on his keyboard, he finds more information about her.

"There you are" he says, sighing in relief. Clicking on the link with a photo of her.

Katella Evyanna Winchester 

Born in Phoenix, Arizona 

Lived in Jackson, Wyoming 

DOB: August 5 1998 age 19 

Father: Deceased

Mother: Unknown

Sibling: Jackson, Wyoming.

School: Hope County University, former Jackson University

Works: University Cafè & Diner.

"Interesting bio Katella" he says with a smile on his face. 

He has her full name, where she works, goes to school, her home address and a little bit of information about her family.

He wants to meet her face to face, and hopefully no one interrupts him.

He doesn't understand why, but he wants to be with her. 

She has potential to be, if it ever came to that point his wife, and maybe the mother to his future children. When they march to Eden's Gate.

He wants to know more about her "What does she like?". 

She has a dog, so he knows she likes dogs, and she has a classic car so she probably likes older cars than newer cars. 

"She works at the diner at the University. Maybe I can go see her?" he says to himself, unsure. 

He gets up, goes to his car and drives to the cafè diner.

******************************************  

Kate’s working, it's her first day on the job. 

She has an hour and 10 minutes until she’s off. 

The rush is not bad, it's pretty steady especially for a Thursday. 

It's her, her friends Morgan, and Alissa, and their supervisor Holly working. 

Morgan and Kate are clearing off the tables, collecting their tips, Alissa is taking a customer's order, Holly is working the counter, cleaning, and making coffee even though it's after 3:30pm. Kate was suppose to start at 4pm until 10pm but she was able to start her training early, and get off early, 11am until 5pm.

About 10 minutes later, John pulls into the parking lot outside the diner. He sees the black Monte Carlo. 

"Alright so she's working today" he says to himself. 

He parks his car, gets out and walks towards the building. 

He takes a glance into the window, and sees Kate cleaning up tables, his stomach starts to feel weird, and he might feel a little too excited to see her. 

As he's about to open the door, he sees Holly at the counter, "Shit" he mutters to himself. The feeling in his stomach goes away the second he sees Holly. 

The last person he never wants to see is her, they had a few nights together in the past, and that was several months ago. 

"Maybe she won't recognize me" he whispers to himself. Walking inside.

Oh boy was he wrong. John felt like the stupidest person in the county. Holly looks up, and immediately recognizes him. He tries to play off cool, and he ends up awkwardly walking to a table towards the back of the diner.

"I'll be right with you sir" Kate says to him, as she takes a bin of dishes into the kitchen. 

A smile forms on his face just by hearing the sound of her voice. It's very soft, and calming, almost like lavender. The feeling in his stomach comes back.

She comes back out from the kitchen a minute later, and walks towards John's table with a notepad and pencil in hand. 

But she unfortunately gets cut off by Holly, pushing her back a little. 

"It's okay sweetheart I got this" she says to Kate in a bitchy tone. Kate gives Holly, her classic (Sam Winchester) bitch face, and walks back to the counter towards Morgan. 

"So get this, Holly took my customer" Kate whispers to her. She snickers "Typical Holly" Morgan whispers back. 

"Thought I never see you again John'' Holly says to him in a sarcastic tone.

He shrugs, trying to play it cool, and says "Well I just stopped by to see someone". 

She gives him a hopeful but flirty look, and asks "Anyone in particular?". 

He smirks, crossing his arms and says. 

"Someone new, and slightly younger". 

Her expression changes from hopeful to annoyed. 

"What can I get you?" she asks. 

"A large coffee with 2 shots of scotch" he says jokingly.

"And maybe the cute brunette waitress in the flannel" he adds, looking over at her.  

Kate almost drops a plate with a customer's food onto their lap. She can feel her face turning red after he says this. She looks back at him, and he winks at her. 

Holly rolls her eyes in annoyance, and gives him a dirty look.

Morgan and Alissa overhear him, and they both let out a soft laugh. Holly looks back at them, while they walk towards the kitchen trying to hold back their laughter. John stares at Kate as she walks behind the counter. 

"Same ol' John Seed" she says, her hands on her hips.

Nodding his head "Yep, same ol' me" with a smirk. 

"Just a coffee" he adds. 

"Alright then" she says, walking to the counter. 

Kate comes out from behind the counter, and gives a customer their check. 

John looks up, and down at her, "she's got a cute ass" he thinks to himself. 

He can feel himself starting to get hard. He wishes he didn’t feel this way, but he’ll take her over Holly anyday. If only she moved to Hope County a lot sooner, so he wouldn’t have to deal with Holly.

She comes back with his order, and sees him eyeballing Kate. 

She scoffs "Someone new and younger huh? You haven't changed a bit have you?". 

He just shrugs while opening a pack of coffee cream. 

"Not really" he answers, with a cocky smug smile. 

Annoyed, Holly walks into the kitchen. 

He pours the cream, and sugar into his coffee, not realizing Kate is looking at him. 

His heart particularly skips a beat when she speaks to him.

"I like your tattoos" she says motioning to the tattoos on his hands, and arms. 

He looks up at her and smiles "Thanks". 

She sees the small lawyer scale tattoo he has on his hand, and asks.��

"Are you a lawyer?". 

"Yeah I am" he answers, looking down at it. 

"Never seen a lawyer with a lot of tattoos before” she jokes. That puts a smile on his face. 

“Where did you go to school?" she adds. 

His mind goes blank for a moment, and says. 

"I went to Emory Law in Atlanta". 

Kate stares at him for a few seconds, but to him it felt like hours, and he loves it. 

He loves to have her attention. He could’ve really used it growing up.

"You look very familiar. Normally, I'm terrible at remembering faces but yours just looks really familiar" she tells him. 

He half smirks, and says "I saw you the other day. You walked past the church". 

They say "walked past the church"  at the same time. 

They both smile at each other. 

Holly clears her throat in annoyance. 

Putting an end to their conversation, she tells her. 

"Kate, can you go get some more ground coffee from the walk in". 

"Yeah sure" she says, already detecting the jealousy in her voice. 

Walking into the kitchen. 

Holly approaches him, placing her hand flat on the table. 

"I know what you're doing" she tells him, in a slightly threatening tone. 

"Do you though?" he asks, tilting his head. 

"Yeah I do. You're flirting with the younger waitress to make me jealous". 

He scoffs with a hint of laughter, and says "Oh Holly, you haven't changed, have you?". 

She gives him an angry look, and says with attitude. 

"Don't waste your time on her. She's a bookworm. Only cares about her school work, grades and all that shit. She probably doesn't have anything interesting to do in her life". 

And Holly is very far from being right, like several thousand miles from being right. Kate’s life is a lot more interesting then she thought it would be.

He looks at her, lets out a short laugh, and says. 

"She sounds like she's my type. I mean have you seen her car?."

He leans forward, and whispers “She’s wife material”.  

Kate comes back out with the coffee, and fills up the machine. 

Alissa comes out from the kitchen, and walks over to her, asks. 

"What time are you off?" 

She looks at the clock on her phone, and says. 

"In 25 minutes". John overhears this, he finishes off his coffee. Pays the check, and says sarcastically.

"Great seeing you again Hol". 

He winks at Kate one last time before he leaves, causing her to smile again. 

Alissa whispers to Kate. "I think he likes yooouu". 

Morgan comes out from the kitchen, and whispers in her other ear. "I'm sure he wants to fuck yooouu" while hitting her ass.  

The 3 of them laugh about it, and Kate finishes the last 25 minutes of her shift. 

When the next waitress clocks in. 

She clocks out, gathers all her stuff, and leaves to her car. 

As she’s putting her stuff in the passenger side.

She hears a familiar voice say, 

"That's a nice car you got there". She turns around, and sees John. 

"Thanks" she says smiling. 

"Is it yours?" he asks. 

"Sorta. It was my grandfathers, then he gave it to my uncle, and he gave it to me" she answers. 

He nods his head. "I have my car, and my plane" he says, trying not to brag but he’s actually bragging. 

Kate, who is actually impressed, asks "You fly?". 

"Yeah, I love my plane. Do you like planes?". 

Not knowing what to say, she was honest.

"I’ve never been on a plane before. But I’m pretty sure I would enjoy it" she says. 

"I can take you out for a fly someday" he offers, hoping she says “Yes”.

She smiles, seeing his little game, and asks “Is this your way of asking me out?". 

He smiles, asks “Is it working?”. His eyebrows cocked.

She looks away, smiling and looks back at him, saying “It is actually”.

“Well I guess, we have a date then. How’s Saturday?” a charming smile. Those baby blue eyes piercing through her. Making her insides shake, bursting with butterflies. She’s surprised a handsome man like him is showing signs of affection towards her. She’s not letting this opportunity slip pass her. 

“That sounds great, I’m off at 5 on Saturday” she replies, with a smile. “Well I gotta get going, it was nice meeting you. John, right?”

He nods his head, says with a hint of lust in his voice. 

"It was a pleasure meeting you too Kate". 

She detects the lust in his voice, but ignores it, she’s way too excited that someone showed that kind of attention towards her. 

They go their vehicles, and drive their separate ways.

********************************************************

That night Kate is working on her Psychology homework, trying her best to stay focused. 

Even though it's still the first week of that semester, she can’t fall behind.

John keeps coming to mind, throwing her off her work. Distracting her.

She sighs loudly, leaning back in her seat, yawning out loud and stretching her arms out.

“Oh boy” she says, sighing.

Haley looks up at her owner with a head tilt. 

“I got asked out today Hale. Ain’t that a bitch” she says to her dog, as if she were human.

She lets out a bark, “Yeah, I know it's crazy huh?. The dude is a lawyer!!”.

She continues “So get this, he wants to take me for a ride in his plane”.

A pitchy whine comes from her along with another head tilt. She lets out a yelp, and sits on the floor next to her. 

She scratches behind her ear. 

“Yeah, I know. I told him that I’ve never been on a plane before, I panicked. I wasn’t gonna tell him that my sister and I exorcised a demon from one of the pilots. But I’m sure it’ll be fine, Paige won’t she’d have a heart attack and probably shit herself” she laughs at the last part.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [WATTPAD]

Sorry about the long delay in updates. My life's been a bit up and down of late; good things and bad. Hopefully things will settle soon. Either way, I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

CHAPTER NINE

This was definitely a new one on Rise Kujikawa. She felt like the world had turned upside down — again — and she was supposed to navigate her way without a map or a compass. Where to begin?

"What… are you- oh come on, liking girls doesn't make you a boy. Has that really been worrying you all this time?"

Ai blinked across at her for a few seconds. "What? Oh, yes, but… Rise-chan, I'm trying to tell you something pretty major. Aren't you paying attention?"

"Come on, you're not a boy! Regardless of why you think you are, so like, you can cut that out right now. Okay?" She reached over to take up her hand and squeeze it firmly between both of her own, trying to ignore the way Ai whimpered. "We're friends. If you never want to kiss me again, that's okay, but just wanting to kiss me a couple times? Does not mean you're a boy, or messed up, or me and you have to move to Ni-Chome, or anything. It's all good."

Ebihara remained quiet for a second, simply holding her friend's hand. Looking more than a little lost. "Well, Ni-Chome is right around the corner from here… and that's where… people like us go. Right?"

"Hey! There's no 'people like us', we're just people!"

"Ugh, I know," she burst out in irritation at herself, suddenly standing up and pacing back and forth in front of Rise. "I know! It's so stupid that I get in my own head about this, but I can't just enjoy anything. Why am I like this? Do I have no chill?!"

"Guess not." When Ai stopped to glare at her, she rolled her eyes. "Well, you really don't! I'm not saying it's bad or you're bad, but you do need to learn how to relax."

But she kept pacing. Rise had just about given up and assumed that was the end of the discussion, and that she should go back to trying to find another song to sing — when Ai suddenly knelt down in front of her, hands gripping the sofa on either side of the idol's hips.

"Wha- hey, what are you doing?!"

"Getting your attention, girl. I need you to really hear me."

"God, I hear you just fine! We just got done agreeing you don't need to make a big deal out of every-"

"My birth name was Aihiko," she pushed ahead stubbornly, such a fierce determination in her eyes that Rise had to fight down the instinct to cower. Even drunk, she could be a real force of nature. "And I always knew that didn't fit me. It just took me until really late in elementary school before I figured out why.

"What I told you and the others before was true. I was always bullied, always called 'Piggy-hara' because I was fat. Because I didn't fit in, anywhere. No matter how many times I looked at the sports clubs, at the manly men I was supposed to look up to, my parents told me I would become someday… I didn't want to. I wanted to be Taeko Ohnuki, or Utada — I wanted to be Sailor Moon. All the other boys would fight over being Red Hawk when we played Featherman; I was too happy to be Pink Argus, when nobody else would want to touch that character unless we were playing with another girl. My whole life, I knew… I just didn't have a word for it. Not until… Ikko."

When she didn't continue for a moment, Rise cleared her throat to prompt quietly, "Ikko?"

"The talk show host. Trans and fabulous. I could see right there on my television screen, in front of my crying eyes thanks to another day of bullying and shame, a woman who was born like me — living her truth, live and in colour in front of the whole country. And sure, those talk shows are a little corny, but to me, as a little boy who thought he was just going to be broken for the rest of his life? They looked like hope."

"Oh… Ikko, yeah. Think I've seen her on Shin Domoto Kyoudai, and um, Onee MANS. Yeah." Rise was struggling to keep up mentally. She felt like any second now, the whole thing was going to come crashing down around her ears…

"Believe me, I know this is a lot to take in," she said with a sigh, brow creasing in concern for her friend. Which Rise thought was encouraging. "But once I realized who and what I was, and we were now suddenly filthy fucking rich, I asked my parents to help me be who I always was. Ironic that my mother was against it and my father was only too happy to help, but I mean, life is weird. And I have never really looked back… until now. With you."

"With me? Wait, wait… I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit here. Do I have this right? You were born as a boy — which there's no way I can believe, just look at you! But because of some talk show host, and a bunch of mean kids who were jerks to you, you decided you didn't want to be a boy anymore?"

Ai grimaced. "That is… an oversimplification, but essentially, yes."

"And now you think you made the wrong choice because…" A hard swallow. "Me. Because you like me." Ai gave a small nod. "Whoa."

"You don't believe me." Her head fell forward until it was resting on Rise's shoulder. Now that they were so close, she could feel how badly her friend was trembling. "I should have known. Stupid. Why do I always think I know better, and things will go differently? Do I have brain damage? Maybe that's it, maybe it's brain damage and I need to be admitted to some kind of facility with padded walls and electroshock."

"Shut up already, wow…" Her hand came up to gently caress over Ai's hair. "Listen... It's not that I want to be skeptical. I can tell you aren't just screwing around, but come on, how do you expect me to believe any of this? You are gorgeous! And Ikko, she's also really pretty but I can tell she was born a boy. You? No way. It's just too crazy to be possible — and if you only knew some of the things I've seen, you would know I don't say that for no reason!"

Ai nodded glumly. Defeated. That was really the only word for it, and Rise felt awful, but she also couldn't flick a switch and suddenly not have that healthy dose of skepticism. Who would believe a story like this right out of the gate with absolutely zero proof right in front of their eyes?

"Sorry," Rise finally whispered in a small voice.

"Why? Nothing to be sorry about. In fact, I know you won't get it, but you really helped me today."

"Huh? How did I do that? By not believing you?!"

"Exactly." Standing up again, she brushed off the front of her long skirt studiously. "If it's so inconceivable to you that I could have been a boy in a past life, then I guess that means I'm not crazy for pursuing my dream — living life as who I am inside. So I guess… thank you."

That sinking feeling swirling around in Rise's stomach was getting stronger. Maybe Ai wasn't kidding. But that was insane! Sure, Naoto had been able to hide her gender for a little while, but it wasn't as easy going in the other direction. If Ai were a boy in disguise, she would be doing things to hide certain aspects of her anatomy. Such as…

Such as a frilly lace collar around her neck. At all times.

"Is… what's… under here…?"

Her fingers barely came in contact with the collar when Ebihara took a step backwards — and literally tripped over the coffee table, sprawling on her back on the carpet with a ghastly yelp. Rise hurried around to crouch over her.

"I'm sorry! God, I'm really sorry, are you all right?!"

"Y-yeah," she groaned, even though she was holding her head, which indicated that no, she probably wasn't.

"I just wanted to ask about that collar," Rise said while helping her sit up. "But I didn't mean to scare you, I probably should have asked before I reached for it."

"Yeah, you should have. But it's no big deal." The phone buzzed again. "Ugh. It's getting late, we probably shouldn't ask for more time. This way we can maybe slip back in before final period and avoid catching hell."

"Hah! No way can we make it back in time, I really don't think so. But keep dreaming."

"Always," Ai offered with a slight smirk.

                                      ~ o ~

But as her friend answered the phone and she started gathering up their things, Rise's brain was swirling with far too many thoughts. They followed her out of the karaoke establishment and all the way back to the train platform, into the car itself. At least it wasn't as crowded as it would be if they caught a later train, even though they still had a good hour and a half left in their trip. Her poor young mind was plagued by a thousand questions, anxieties, and just random thoughts that were so unwelcome but wouldn't seem to go away for anything.

Could all that craziness actually be true? No. It was so impossible and ludicrous. Yet Ai had said every word with conviction, and no trace of uncertainty. Either this was one of the most convincing scams of all time, or…

Could she really be a boy?

Just glancing over at the flawlessly beautiful profile of Ai Ebihara was seemingly enough to put that possibility to death. Impossible. Even though Rise knew that there were women out there who had been born different, and she very vaguely understood the concept, she didn't know any of them personally. Any she had seen in popular media were various degrees of feminine and pretty, but still obviously not born the way she was; there were readily apparent differences. None of which she observed when looking at her new best friend. How was she supposed to believe such a wild story?

But she couldn't completely let go of how earnestly Ai had looked at her when confessing about her alleged condition. If she really were full of shit, she probably would have never tried to sell it so hard; what did she have to gain by it? Anything? Not as far as she could tell, no matter how she tried to look at it. There was no impetus for her to make up such a wild tale.

So then… crazy as it was, if she had nothing to gain by lying…

'No way, though!' she screamed internally, clamping her eyes shut for a moment as the train bumped along toward Yasoinaba. 'She's so perfect, she's prettier than me. Why is she doing this to me? Why lie? I don't know what to think anymore!'

Her thoughts were interrupted by a hand slipping into her own. Rise peeled open her eyes to see her friend, this beautiful woman who she was suspecting of horrible lies, smiling gently over at her with a concerned expression. Her heart melted. It didn't clear up any confusion at all, but she couldn't pretend this girl was being cruel to her for no reason. Not when she looked at her like that.

"You okay?"

"Y-yeah! Great! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I'm a horrible bitch for dropping a bombshell on you," Ai supplied quietly. "You should be pissed."

"Nope. I mean… okay, I do have a question." When there was no reply, Rise continued, "Why didn't you just show me?"

"Show you what?

"You know…"

Ai blinked at her friend's reddening features for a couple of seconds until she got it, and her lip curled. "Oh, what the fuck? You want me to just flash you?!"

"NO!" A few people turned to look at the two of them, and she double-checked that her hat was hiding her trademark hair again. "Not here! And I didn't say I wanted you to, I'm just, y'know… wouldn't that have been the easiest way? To prove what you were telling me?"

"Yeah, I guess so, but that seems really gross. Besides…"

When she didn't finish her thought, Rise nudged her with her elbow. "Hey, c'mon, don't chicken out now. We literally just made out so I don't think there's any reason to be shy anymore."

"I mean, okay, but it's not about feeling shy. I was going to say I had hoped you would believe me."

Damn. That really cut her to the core. But she couldn't even get upset about it, because as Ai said, she hadn't been holding back because she was shy. Obviously, she wasn't sure it was kind of her to issue a pseudo accusation like that. Her own fault for digging.

"Y-yeah. I can see why you would think that, but I mean, I've just never thought about anything like this before. It doesn't have anything to do with you! Yukiko or Chie could tell me the same exact thing and I would be just as skeptical. Does… I mean, do you hate me?"

"No," Ai whispered with quiet urgency, gripping her hand tighter. And Rise gripped back; she needed the comfort, and wanted her bestie to know that none of this meant she was going anywhere.

"You're sure?"

"Really, really sure. I'm sad you didn't believe me but I can't deny you have a point; as great as it is to know I look good enough to pass even when I'm telling you about it point-blank — seriously it's a huge relief, you will never know — I guess this is the one downside."

Rise tipped to the side until her head was resting on Ai's shoulder. She still felt dizzy. This was a nightmare and a dream, and she just wanted to go back to yesterday. Before she had been told impossible things that had to be true, because it was actually stranger that they be lies. It was like some kind of…

Magic.

"I'm being stupid," she finally breathed aloud as the revelation hit her like a bolt out of the blue. How could she have been looking at this so backwards?!

"What?"

"Nothing," she whispered. "Just… I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in my life. You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Ai definitely wouldn't believe her. "And I'm sitting here, thinking it's too weird that you might have been born a boy? That's so dumb!"

Clearly taking that in a slightly different manner, her friend chuckled and said, "There you go. I mean, you were in the entertainment industry."

"It's not like it is in the west, Ebi-chan. Like… a little, but when I toured the U.S.? Lots of people like that, all the makeup artists, and… you know, that Lady Gaga?" Ai shook her head. "She's really big over there, I have one of her albums somewhere."

"Bring it over, then. I mean, if she's queer, I want to hear her."

"Well, I don't know she is, but she has this whole… you know, dressing like a drag queen, big feathers and meat dresses! Crazy stuff!" They both laughed together, relaxing into the closeness. Like it should be.

"Either way, bring it," Ai said, interrupting her weird stomach-upside-down moment of realising what she had just been thinking. "I mean, don't expect me to choose her over Mariya, but…"

Rise giggled and whispered, "Or me. Because you're not a fan of my trash music."

"HEY! Shut the fuck up, I never said- UGH, you are a pain in the ASS." An airy sigh as she kissed the top of Rise's head. "You're lucky you're so cute."

Full blush. Rise was glad for her sunglasses and hat or she would have died of embarrassment. Biting her lip, she reached up to pull Ai closer, almost snuggling into her as best she could on the uncomfortable train seats. All she wanted was for the world to fall away, leaving them to revel in the escape from their reality. Their escape into each other.

"I'm scared."

"Me too."

"Really?" Rise whispered. "I'm… I don't even know… what to think. Are we lesbians? Or, because you were a boy, is it just…"

"Honestly? I don't know, either. That's why I was freaking out earlier. But now, I…" She cleared her throat and said, almost fearfully, "I think 'lesbian' could be the right word. Though I did really like Yu… ugh, I'm a lost cause."

"No," she snapped at her, looking up into her eyes. "Hey. You're the number one hottie of Yasogami High. Everybody says so."

"They say I'm a bitch, too."

"So? You've earned being a little bit of a bitch for a while. But I do think it's time to put the bitchy-pants away and start being Ai Ebihara again. Or, um…" Then she laughed in embarrassment.

"What?" she asked, brow furrowed in preemptive fear.

"I forgot already. Your real name; you told me, I just… you're Ebi-chan, I can't remember it."

"Oh. Well, it doesn't matter, because that's not really me anymore. Like you with 'Risette'; you cringe every time anyone says it. Even just now."

"Huh?! No, I didn't!"

"You so did, Rise-cheese."

The pop star puffed out her cheeks angrily as she glared up at her best friend. Then she pouted extra hard. "You can't make fun of me. It's mean."

"Thought you said I earned the right to be a bitch," Ai teased with a half-smirk.

"Not to ME! And I also said you can stop now! Hmph." Then she turned away from her, folding her arms over her chest as she glared away into the compartment.

"Oh wow, dramatic." But when Rise didn't turn back after a minute, she grabbed her upper arm and shook it slightly. "Come on… you can't really be this mad." More silence. A little desperation began to enter Ai's voice. "Rise… wait, wait, you're pissed off because I called you 'cheese'?!"

"I'm not cheese." But she did peek over her shoulder, and saw Ai looking legitimately conflicted. So she laughed awkwardly and turned back around, raising a hand to smooth over her hair. "Sorry… hey, I'm sorry. I was just messing around."

Ai dipped her head, expression just as conflicted as before. "This… is hard. Wow. I knew it was dumb, and you were being dumb, and I wanted to give you more shit, but my heart just started hurting, and…"

That was quite a wealth of feelings. Rise felt a little worried; would Ai really be able to handle what they were getting themselves into? Would either of them? Unable to hold back anymore, she threw her arms around her and pulled her in for the tightest hug she could manage.

"Ebi-chan… we'll be fine. Don't be so down, don't… don't lose track of what's good between us. How we fit together."

"Yeah?" she asked shakily. "You mean, how we have nothing in common, and didn't know each other before the past few weeks, a-and… and why would you even like me?"

"We have a lot in common. We like singing, and daifuku, and Korean dramas. And we both know what it's like for people not to be able to see you for who you really are; to make a lot of assumptions about you based on your appearance." Her brow furrowed, even while she was speaking. "Oh… and I guess that was even worse for you when you were a kid, huh? If you were a boy… and you felt like a girl inside… is… I mean, did I say that right? Do I know what I'm talking about?"

The softest chuckle floated out of Ai's lips as she pushed her face against Rise's neck. The nose and lips felt warm, and soft, and a little moist where she was speaking against her skin… creating goosebumps in the wake of the breath. "You're saying everything right. You always do. Probably an idol superpower."

"Maybe," she admitted with a light laugh, some of her anxiety beginning to melt away. "But I promise I'll only use it for good. I'll do my best!"

"God, you can't even turn it off. So gross!"

"You don't have to call me 'gross'! That's not nice!"

"Hey, I'm totally nice. What would you do without me being so 'nice' you want to punch a baby?"

When Rise pulled back, the most horrified expression on her face at that last bit of imagery, Ai burst out laughing so hard that she had to double over, arms wrapped around her middle. The mirth was catching; Rise giggled until she snorted like a pig, then was covering her face with both hands in shame while her supposed best friend guffawed openly at her. And she wouldn't have had it any other way, mortifying as it was. At least it meant the worst was over.

Wasn't it?

                                       To Be Continued…

[taesthetes]

hello, viet anon army here~ i've never talked to anyone anonymously like this but i actually like it, it's nice talking to you and since you're so sweet i'd like to keep talking to you in this way if i'm not a bother to you 😅 i visited vietnam once and it was when i turned 7 so we celebrated my birthday over there^^ it's been over 10 years since my last visit tho so i don't remember much about our home country so i'd love to visit it again! i'mma finish the rest of my thoughts in another ask–

–finishing the rest of my thoughts :) i don’t get the chance to travel a lot so it’s cool hearing you traveled to europe! in which countries have you been to if you don’t mind sharing? also hope you’ll get to visit europe again and explore it even more, sweetie! and i’m absolutely in love with your writing!💕 i don’t read much lately, actually started again thanks to bts :D and i’ve been searching for good fics so i’m glad i found you! i’m a bit behind but i’ll get there. stay beautiful, love✨🌹

vn army anon bombarding you with a third ask of the day :)) i just remembered you answering in one ask that you’ll hopefully get to visit vietnam the next summer and i’ll probably fly there next summer! because i’m a senior this year and once i’ll finish school my parents will let me and my sisters visit our home country!

hello again, sweetpea!! i really enjoy talking to you, too! and don’t worry about that at all; you’ll never be a bother to me. you’re always welcome to come and talk to me anytime ☺️ omg that sounds amazing to be able to go to vietnam for your birthday!! i don’t think i’ll ever be able to do that until i finish school since my birthday is during the school year haha. but, i hope you’ll be able to visit again though! 

and i don’t mind sharing at all! i’ve been to london (england); paris (france); rome, florence, venice (italy); and athens (greece)!! i also had a couple layover flights in germany, but i don’t think they really count since all i did was sit around in an airport for some hours haha. and thank you!!! i really hope i can return to europe and visit barcelona, dublin, amsterdam, milan, and budapest amongst other european cities! which countries have you visited if you don’t mind me asking? i hear it’s easy to travel to different countries in europe since they’re close together :D and do you want to travel anywhere else someday?

and thank you so much!!! omg thank you for taking the time to read my fics out of all the wonderful fics written by so many talented writers on here 💗 take your time with reading, and i hope you enjoy them! you stay beautiful as well, my sweets 💕🌻

and yes!!! my parents were thinking of taking me and my sister on a family vacation to vietnam and japan next year, which i’m super excited about ahhh. omg haha maybe we’ll see each other in vietnam next summer!! and i hope you have a good school year! for me, senior year was a bit stressful with the college applications, but the rest of the year was so much fun! i hope you enjoy your last year of high school!! 💙💫