#SO TRUE!! . god he'd be fucking terrifying with that in his team

[stikybug]

Im so sorry but i have gotten even more thoughts about this because of the connection you made with ultra beasts and travelers because of like. One particular case. In sun and moon necrozma actually made an entire universe go dark because it absorbed all its light right?? I'm not saying that's something the empire would do but that's something the empire would totally do . Because of the light and dawn theme I would say it would be funny for that to have been a successful mission of star admiral/prefect luminary

Pokemon Teams: Lovebrush Chronicles

So, for Pokemon Day, I just had a little fun creating teams for the main cast of Lovebrush Chronicles. I tried to make sure I wasn't too on the nose, and that these picks were a little bit more realistic. I hope you enjoy!

AYN: Talonflame, Grimmsnarl, Urshifu, Dondozo, Tatsugiri, Incineroar

Ayn is a tryhard when it comes to battling. I gave him a team that is legitimately competitively viable, and that fits to his character. Incineroar and Dondozo draw parallels to his cat motif and Alice the whale, respectively. He also has a Buneary that mainly acts as a house pet.

ALKAID: Mantine, Teddiursa, Blissey, Sawsbuck, Minior, Tropius

While a capable trainer, Alkaid doesn't focus on battling, but on outdoor activities with his Pokemon. He loves Matine surfing, as well as going on hikes with Sawsbuck and flying on Tropius. He caught most of his team while on his travels. He names his Pokemon; his Teddiursa is named Sparkles.

LARS: Lapras, Ludicolo, Pyroar, Lycanroc, Flamigo, Pyukumuku

Lars doesn't like battling; his Pokemon are solely extended parts of his family. Any sort of evolution is usually done with private training, or via vitamins. He got his Pyroar as a Litleo, and cherishes it. He loves surfing out on the lake with Lapras, and his Pyukumuku was caught while at the beach.

CLARENCE: Nidoking, Liepard, Tyranitar, Swanna, Skitty, Zweilous

Clarence much prefers Pokemon research and biology. His love for monsters and for cats shines through with this team. However, one of these is not like the other: his Skitty. His Skitty is often seen outside of its ball and will follow him around like a lost puppy. Pokemon, even dangerous ones, seem drawn to Clarence.

CAEL: Espeon, Milotic, Frosmoth, Aegislash, Gardevoir, Lunala

Elegant but deadly, Cael's team is unsuspecting and can pack a punch. Gardevoir specifically can see the future and make small black holes. Cael is also the only character with a box legendary, albeit one that isn't deemed as "rare" due to its extraterrestrial nature and its evolution cycle from a Cosmog. Cael has quite a few Ultra Beasts, though he rarely uses them outside of his own home world.

MC: Smeargle, Espurr, Cosmog, Ninetales, Frosslass, Mandibuzz

I know I said I'd avoid Pokemon that were too on the nose, but Smeargle is the only Pokemon with the powerful move, Sketch. It perfectly represents her Illustra powers. Likewise, her Cosmog is a gift from Cael. She also names her Pokemon; her Espurr is named Beanie.

[microraptorreactor]

Im just. gonna hammer out some thoughts about Ep 17/18. Because man I have thoughts. Spoilers (and bad words) below the cut.

So the very base of the story, Golden Cheese herself, is fucking heartbreaking man. She's lost everything, her friends, her family, her kingdom, and it drove her insane. She built a massive digital city where everyone she lost can live in utmost luxury, but she still isolates herself to a small circle of cookies, probably to try keeping an airtight seal on the true nature of the kingdom. Her deepest desire is to keep her citizens happy and she'll do just about anything to achieve that. Because what is she without her treasure?

And her conversation with Rasine at the end TT-TT Those two bounce off each other so well. I hope they kiss.

And then there's Smoked Cheese!! God, after ep 17 I really wasn't sure about him, but he's such a fucking good character. He's just as scared as GC, if not more. But unlike GC, he's not quite as clouded by grief. He realizes that his god-queen is delusional, and quite possibly has realized for some time. OF COURSE, he'd flip his shit when he finds out DE is back and GC plans on doing nothing! He watched the kingdom burn down for the first time! And he has to watch these cookies who it's his job to protect, that he quite possibly grew up around, walk around like nothing's ever gone wrong. He has to keep up a facade that everything's fine and there isn't another massive threat looming over the city while his queen berates him for questioning her. He has every right to be angry and scared! And I can't particularly blame him for turning on her and airing out the truth. Trying to blow up the kingdom was 100% a dick move tho. But the scene where he's LITERALLY BEGGING GC TO KILL HIM??? It's my personal interpretation that he was terrified to go back to the Digital City, and therefore going back to ignoring all the trauma of the war.

Honestly, I feel like SC's whole villain ark might have been avoidable if GC and her little circle of friends sat down and had a heart-to-heart about the Dark Flour War, but that would require any of them to be emotionally vulnerable. Something that everyone in this kingdom is alergic to, apparently.

Mozarella cookie I certainly have. Feelings about. Her whole deal with erasing cookies memory so that they don't catch on to the digital kingdom is a detail I really like, but as a character, I just don't really care for her. It's probably just my personal taste, as I like the angsty characters and she just doesn't have that going on. I haven't finished the mineing missions story so maybe she has some in that. I feel the same way about Burnt/Basque Cheese, he's cool he just doesn't have enough going on in the backstory department for me to care.

Fettuchini Cookie's concept is terrifying. She's slowly losing herself to factors outside her control. There are literal bugs eating her brain. But the narrative doesn't really do anything with that? She's just kind of Olive Cookie's weird adopted child. To be fair the story is long enough, both chapters together clock in at about two and a half hours assuming that you have the best possible team. But she could have been so much more with that concept! Especially since she's playable instead of actually-really-important Smoked Cheese.

Olive Cookie is Olive Cookie. She's there to be an exposition archeologist. She serves her purpose in the story. I have no complaints about her. Y'all are being too harsh.

anyways, back to working on my OCs!

[coyotejone-s]

i'm insane. rubber rats and such. here's my thoughts on who the reds and blues would main in tf2 vs whose place they would take in a potential au. spoiler: they ARE different. and also i'm not making the au, but if you wanna do it feel free to use this as a guideline.

disclaimer: i'm a walking tf2 encyclopedia... for the lore and comics. i HAVE played it of course, but i'm by no means an expert on strategy and such, so contesting my knowledge on that end is more than welcome.

RED TEAM

Grif

Main: jumps around a bit, but always comes back to heavy because he's got high health and decent damage rates. mostly follows simmons around because no one wants to fuck with the battle medic. that being said, he CAN hold his own (he's actually REALLY good at the game) and watches simmons' back like a hawk. and his other teammates' too i guess (silly).

Place: heavy. big dude, cares for his family, wouldn't be doing this in an ideal world. also he deserves a big gun. RIP the grifshot.

Simmons

Main: as mentioned, he'd be a battle medic, and a fucking TERRIFYING one at that. definitely puts a lot of time into it, and it absolutely pays off. has one of the best k/d ratios purely because he's just fucking going for it. it looks like luck but every second is strategized to an embarrassing degree. this makes him feel powerful. god forbid someone kill grif, because he'll hunt them down for the rest of the match.

Place: medic. he deserves to be unhinged. we've all seen how he is on the warthog turret.

Sarge

Main: soldier. he's got rocket jumping down to a perfect science. he is defying gravity. he has discovered some sort of secret technique to perfectly optimize speed and distance while minimizing damage. he will never tell anyone what it is and he will show it off at any chance for the rest of time. thus, he never fucking plays any other class.

Place: soldier. there is nothing to be said that hasn't been said already.

Donut

Main: this one's tough actually. i think he'd flip between pyro, demo, scout, and soldier. he likes the fast-paced gameplay, and is pretty decent at all of them.

Place: scout! he's got a hell of a throwing arm! i'd be willing to bet he was in little league as a kid. i could have better reasoning but i had to switch him when i switched tucker.

Lopez

Main: engineer. it's familiar, trying to keep things fixed and running while a bunch of idiots run around and fuck things up. can often be seen rancho relaxing next to at least 2 fully-upgraded sentries like 30 seconds into the match.

Place: engineer. same reasons, same play style.

BLUE TEAM

Church

Main: good god, he tries to main sniper, but he's so fucking bad at it. gets backstabbed all the fucking time. he's too stubborn to stop. to his credit, though, he's pretty damn good with the melee and smg.

Place: sniper. again, he's not GOOD at sniping, but he's good enough with the subweapons that he qualifies.

Tucker

Main: probably scout. he likes being fast and annoying. it's not really that deep LMAO. i think he plays like me: running directly into the line of fire and just trying to hit as many people as possible before dying. a tried and true strategy. unfortunately, as such, his k/d ratio is impressively terrible.

Place: demoman. initially i wanted to place him as scout, but then i thought about eyelander and the energy sword and it won me over because i love eyelander. i think he'd try to demoknight and be really bad at it GHSJASKHGSA.

Caboose

Main: listen to me. you can put him in any class and he'll kick fucking ass. he has every perfect strategy mapped to muscle memory or something. he's a fucking enigma. no one can beat him. if caboose is on your team, you are almost guaranteed a win.

Place: pyro. it's the whimsy.

Kai

Main: i think she'd main spy purely so she can cloak and watch everyone else run around like idiots. occasionally she gets a kill in, but that's mostly when they stumble close enough to her. she can be very efficient when she wants to be, but mostly she's here for the drama. she has a screenshot folder of grif and simmons doing gay shit. it's... massive.

Place: spy. she gets to serve cunt, be bisexual, and kill people. what more could a girl want???

MISC

Disclaimer: Locus and Felix do not have a place to take due to a lack of main-enough characters. Sorry!

Wash

Main: look at me. i think wash is exceptionally bad at most of the classes. he does his best, but they just escape him. he's pretty good with pyro, but he sees pyro as overly easy with little challenge (no offense to caboose). against all odds, i think he's best at engineer, and surprisingly good at it! usually he follows lopez around (because lopez knows what he's doing), but about half the time he'll be on his own and tentatively killing it.

Place: ms pauling. in season 10, he mostly follows carolina around, dragging the reds and blues with him and following the majority of her orders. remind you of someone?

Carolina

Main: also tends to jump around, but prefers support classes. she'll join whichever team she thinks needs the most support at the time. half the time she'll be on the sidelines, cloaked and watching her idiots fuck around.

Place: the administrator! she's the most properly take-charge of all of them. i'd imagine she inherited the position from the director.

Doc

Main: medic, what did you expect? he's surprisingly good at offense, but prefers to stick to healing. in the event of an o'malley switch, he battle medics. he's not good at it.

Place: merasmus. he deserves wizard powers.

Locus

Main: spy. suits his style PERFECTLY. will occasionally play sniper if needed. absolutely cracked at both even though he says he doesn't play video games (this is a lie).

Felix

Main: he doesn't play tf2 because he thinks the people who play it are annoying nerds. this being said: probably either scout or sniper. scout when he feels like being an asshole, sniper when he feels like actually being efficient. either way he gets to show off.

[kamenwriter]

Saw Across the Spider-Verse...

It is very much an "act two of three" film. If you loved Empire Strikes Back you'll probably love this. Me? I'm a Return of the Jedi guy, myself.

Animation is gorgeous. Soundtrack is a banger.

The plot...plays into a lot of tropes I'm not a fan of, and as I've said before I'm so burned out on multiverse stories and metafiction.

Spoiler filled thoughts behind the cut:

Starting the film out by fleshing out Gwen is a good choice. She is absolutely the co-protagonist of this film, and it sets up her motivation to go along with Miguel for as long as she does. She's terrified of returning home.

I feel like The Spot is only a "gag" character because of how he looks. Bro has a dangerous powerset. And this kind of goes into the metanarrative the film has I could have done without.

Spot having illustration blue-lines in his model I guess is an indicator of his ability to dimension hop without glitching...but still feels like an odd choice to me.

The whole "we have to maintain the canon, certain people have to die" is just eye-rollingly annoying as a conflict motivation. First from my personal "god I'm sick of meta narratives" perspective, but also from anyone calling themselves Spider-Man having that attitude.

The movie at least establishes that all evidence points to Miguel being right, but everyone's tacit agreement with him is dumb.

As mentioned before, Gwen has a good established reason to go along with Miguel. And yes they at least show Peter B. trying to walk the tightrope of how to handle Miles, but I feel like he'd be more against doing things that way.

Everyone giving Miles shit...because the film needs a conflict. Doesn't matter if it makes sense. This is a problem the first film has as well.

I like that everyone keeps going on about how cool Spider-Punk is but the film does take the time to point out he can be a contrarian for contrarian's sake.

I liked how Spider-Punk was a proper "Fuck the establishment" punk at the end, and the set-up/pay off of "use your whole palm."

How sad is that Ganke once again can't do anything because the MCU films all ready used Ganke and just called him Ned Leeds? (MCU Peter is gentrified Miles, you know it's true)

I sincerely hope in the sequel they explain why Prowler Miles (and Aaron) think they have something to gain by holding Miles hostage. He literally just wants to leave.

I'd complain about how Miguel and Ben Reilly are almost nothing like their comic counterparts...but neither was Peni or Noir in the first film. So...

Excited for the old gang and the new gang to team up in part three, but part two just had too many "folks being assholes in service of the plot and in disservice to the character" and bullshit meta narratives (a police captain has to die? What? Of all the Spider-Man variations in the comics I think that only happened once? I haven't been reading Ghost Spider)

Anyway if schedule permitted I'd go to the second showing of Shin Kamen Rider before I'd watch this again. I'll pick up the soundtrack, though. [edited to add] I'll pick up the soundtrack if GETS A PHYSICAL RELEASE, THAT IS. God I hate the streaming era.

[bookstantrash]

“He had not answered.” — Jesus Lorcan is gonna destroy that door or call the police

“He lay on the floor, his face in a pool of his own vomit, too heedless to care, too sore to move. In any case, he had stopped smelling the stench hours ago.” — FUCKING HELL IRENE

“He hadn't been able to move in time when the door unhinged from the wall fell partially on him, hitting him in the head with one of the now splintered edges. He grunted in pain and could smell the blood as it began to trickle down his forehead, onto his nose, and he was relieved - he wasn't dead. Rowan had not been sure of it until that moment.” — LORCAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ROWAN NOT KILL HIM DUDE

“Rowan shook his head what he could, he didn't want him to see him like this. He didn't deserve his help.” —oh god he’s so depressed. So so depressed I’m afraid he’ll turn to drugs or attempt suicide

“He felt a hand settle on his back, rubbing up and down as Lorcan tried to figure out what was going on, and his brain betrayed him, showing him images of a life he had taken for granted all along, from the second she had been his.” — I love Rowan and Lorcan’s brotop I love it so much

“Lorcan ducked down, crouching beside him, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but he seemed to remember what he'd just asked him not to do as soon as he gave him a startled look. If he touched him again, he didn't know what his broken mind would show him. He was terrified of it.” — THAT IS SO FUCKING HEARTBREAKING IRENE YOU STEPPED OUT OF LINE WITH THIS CHAPTER

“There was no stopping the first sob. His vision went totally blurry, blackening everything in front of him until all he could see was the image of her, and his chest constricted to the point where breathing was no longer even an option. He fell to the side, against the wall, and there was no stopping the desperate crying that washed over him.” — oh baby oh Rowan oh god this fucking hurts he’s just so wrecked and in pain AND IT HAS BEEN ONLY TWO DAYS

“He'd been forced to answer questions from the doctors, from his coaches asking him how much time he needed. Lorcan had warned him that he'd lied for him, that he'd told them someone dear to them both had suffered a serious injury and died.” — BUT TO ROWAN IT IS AS IF SHE DIED BECAUSE SHE IS NOT THERE OH MY GOD THE PAIN

“He didn't deserve any of what they were offering him. He didn’t deserve anything.” — please stop this is hurting me please

“Lorcan nodded, pulling Rowan to him and hugging him. He closed his eyes as the man in front of him held him together without even realising.” — we stan men who are not afraid to show emotions

“He threw open the door of the ghost-filled house and ran out, intent on never returning.” — HE LEFT?! NO NO NO THIS IS GETTING EVEN WORSE AND I DID NOT KNOW IT COULD

“Only when he'd found Aelin's ring had he stopped, bursting into tears so loud that the first sob had startled Lorcan, holding the small object to his chest.” — omg poor Elorcan, having to see their friend be so miserable and trying to help but having Rowan try to push them away. HE DESTROYED THEIR HOME I-

“That too had broken something inside of him. The implications that Aelin had found someone else.” — FUCKING HELL NO NO NO HOW CAN SHE WHEN ROWAN IS SO MISERABLE AELIN WHY DID CALL LYSANDRA AND NEVER ROWAN

“Rowan knew that Aelin had called him one night, almost a month before. Lorcan had told him, how she had begged him to tell her that he was alright, even though it wasn't true. His friend had also told him that she'd seemed to be drunk, and when she had hung up and both he and Elide had tried to call her back, Aelin had blocked their numbers.” — NOT THE DRUNK CALL AELIN THAT WILL MAKE THINGS EVEN WORSE

“Either you go back to slacking off after Christmas break or we break your contract, you're off the team and you lose lots of money.” — fuck them. fuck his team. fuck his managers. fuck the president of the club. THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU ALL WERE NOT SUCH CUNTS TO ROWAN AND AELIN’S RELATIONSHIP

“He'd been wrong.” — oh fucking Christ Ire not you making Rowan fake his happiness and that he’s better. I do loved the Lysandra/Rowan interaction because SOMEONE NEEDED TO BE RUDER TO HIM (not that it worked that much)

“It was four years and twenty-seven after Aelin had left their home. Four years since he had received no news of her. Three years since he stopped asking.” — FOUR YEARS?! WHAT THE FUCK OS THIS TIME SKIP?! AND HE IS COUNTING THE DAYS SINCE SHE LEFT I CRY

“He should have been the happiest man on earth. He should have been out celebrating with his teammates, vacationing on a tropical beach like Lorcan was doing, surrounding himself with girls ready to offer him anything to spend even just one night with him.” — elorcan is married but can’t be enjoy it because I’m suffering with Rowan and remembering how awful he was towards elorcan because he wanted everyone to give up on him

“He was about to turn off the TV, confident that he would be able to sleep tonight without the help of the meds the team kept giving him to keep him from collapsing during the games, when his finger froze on the remote.” — NOT MEDS THEY ARE MEDICATING HIM?! SHIT NO ONE THOUGHT ABOUT GIVING HIM MORE HELP?! THAT DOES NOT WORK AS WELL AS THEY THINK IT DOES

"And now to the latest news, straight from the social of the Toronto Maple Leafs' rookie player, Chaol Westfall, who has announced his marriage to the stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Aelin Galathynius. She has never been very active on social media, in fact, for somebody with such a charm, she'd be perfect in the role of influencer, but-" — IRENE WHAT IS THIS FUCKING FUCKERY?! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL IS THIS BLODDY THING

“Aelin was getting married to an hockey player.” — you motherfuckef angst demon

“The sound that came out of him was not human as he ran to his room and snatched the ring from the drawer next to his bed, the letter that just went wherever he went and raced out of the flat that never felt his own anyway.” — HE KEPT THE LETTER WITH HIM ALL THE TIMES AND THE RING TOO AND NOW HE IS LEAVING HIS FLAT AGAIN

“I loved seeing her smile whenever I scored for her. The way she used to put medications on my wounds and bruises whenever I got hit too hard. Or the way we used to get all cuddled up after a long flight, after weeks of not seeing each other. I loved how my jerseys fit her – the way my clothes fit her.” — who gave you the right to completely obliterate my heart like that

“Now, I’m going to get her.” — CAN I GET AN AMEN AND HALLELUJAH FOLKS?! THE NEXT PART BETTER BE HAPPY YET I KNOW IT WILL HIRT LIKE A BITCH TOO

This completely and utterly destroyed my heart and what was left of my abilities to feel emotions. You really outdid yourself with the angst this time. ♾/10 on the scale of pain.

Awesome and mind blowing writing as usual. I loved this.

Like I'm Drowning

Rowaelin Month, Day Twelve

A/N: Sorry about this, blame @thewayshedreamed, she's the one who wanted more angst.

This will have a fourth part, for obvious reasons;)

part one, part two

Word count: 3,874

It was two days after Aelin had left their home. It was about eleven o'clock in the evening when the walls of what had once been his favourite place had shaken with the force of Lorcan's fists on the front door, shouting at Rowan to let him in.

He had not answered.

He couldn't have done so even if he'd wanted to because his legs had stopped working and the muscles in his neck had been reduced to jelly over the last forty-eight hours, sip after sip of whatever alcohol he'd found in the cabinet.

He lay on the floor, his face in a pool of his own vomit, too heedless to care, too sore to move. In any case, he had stopped smelling the stench hours ago.

Another ten minutes had passed, in which his best friend had threatened over and over again to call the police if he didn't open the fucking door, before Lorcan had slammed his shoulder into it.

He hadn't been able to move in time when the door unhinged from the wall fell partially on him, hitting him in the head with one of the now splintered edges. He grunted in pain and could smell the blood as it began to trickle down his forehead, onto his nose, and he was relieved - he wasn't dead. Rowan had not been sure of it until that moment.

The other was there an instant later, taking the door off him, leaning it against the wall.

And the sharp breath he took was a dagger straight to Rowan's heart.

He didn't want him to see him like this.

He had never heard Lorcan's voice like that. So shocked, so worried. Whatever emotions he was feeling at the moment were blocking him from approaching him. Almost as if he was afraid of scaring him. Of breaking him more than he already was.

Rowan shook his head what he could, he didn't want him to see him like this. He didn't deserve his help.

"God, Rowan, what have you done?"

The relief at finding out he was still alive lasted a moment though, as the pain in his chest hit him so hard it took his breath away and he pulled himself up onto all fours before yet another wave of gags shook his body. He opened his mouth, hoping that this time something would come out, but he choked on nothing. His eyes filled with tears and Rowan wondered how that was possible.

There should have been nothing in his body.

He’d been in this conditions since the day before.

He felt a hand settle on his back, rubbing up and down as Lorcan tried to figure out what was going on, and his brain betrayed him, showing him images of a life he had taken for granted all along, from the second she had been his.

Him on the bathroom floor a few months earlier.

A box of somewhat-too-spicy Chinese food on their coffee table.

And Aelin.

Her hands on his back.

He shook off Lorcan's hand, "Don't touch me."

The words burned his throat and another gag went up his esophagus.

He stayed in that position for a few minutes, his back rising and falling frantically with each breath where he seemed to be unable to get enough air in.

"Rowan."

He didn't look at him. He couldn't.

"Rowan, you hear me?"

Lorcan ducked down, crouching beside him, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but he seemed to remember what he'd just asked him not to do as soon as he gave him a startled look. If he touched him again, he didn't know what his broken mind would show him. He was terrified of it.

With a grimace, Lorcan clenched both hands into fists and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the sour smell of vomit and what Rowan was ashamed to admit was his own piss reached his nostrils. When he opened them again there was a distinct determination in his gaze and Rowan had to pull his eyes back to the floor.

He thought he had found a sort of calm in which he might even be able to answer Lorcan's questions, but he was wrong. He was so wrong.

"What happened?”

“I feel-” he tried to speak, failing, “I feel like I’m drowing.”

“Why? What happened?” he asked again. And then the final hit, “Where's Aelin?"

There was no stopping the first sob. His vision went totally blurry, blackening everything in front of him until all he could see was the image of her, and his chest constricted to the point where breathing was no longer even an option. He fell to the side, against the wall, and there was no stopping the desperate crying that washed over him.

***

It was three days after Aelin had left their home. It was eight o'clock in the evening when Elide and Lorcan had asked him if he would like to go back there after leaving the hospital. It was twenty past eight when they had reached his street and he was counting down the seconds till he got to smell her perfume in the air again.

He had entered the house and tried not to breathe through his nose, realising he was not ready to remember what her scent was. He noticed how everything had been cleaned, tidied up or fixed and he didn't have the mental or physical trength to turn around, hug his friends and thank them.

He looked towards the kitchen, on the table. The letter was no longer there.

"Where is it?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

He hadn't spoken in the last few hours. Not to the couple he knew was staring at him from the doorway.

He'd been forced to answer questions from the doctors, from his coaches asking him how much time he needed. Lorcan had warned him that he'd lied for him, that he'd told them someone dear to them both had suffered a serious injury and died.

Rowan had looked at him and said a simple thank you while he lay on his hospital bed, despite knowing how much a fuckup of that magnitude risked not only his career, but Lorcan's as well.

It was Elide who had the courage to answer him, "What?"

"The letter."

"Oh." she whispered, "I put it in your room."

He nodded. Running a hand over his face he turned to them, noting how they both looked ready to launch themselves forward if they thought Rowan was going to crumble once more time.

He saw Lorcan clench his jaw and then look away before saying, "You won't find any alcohol, I threw away what was left."

Elide smiled at him with watery eyes, trying to change the subject as fast as possible, "If you need anything, you can always come to our place. You know that. We have-"

He interrupted her abruptly. He didn't look at her as he said in a harsh tone, "Thank you for everything, you can go now."

She took a sharp breath, nodding dryly and turning, hurrying out of the house. Lorcan followed her with his gaze the whole time, telling her he would join her in the car in a moment.

When he met Rowan's gaze again, the voice was the one he'd used all the years in high school when he'd been his captain. It gave no room for argument.

"I don't know what you're going through. I don't even want to begin to think about how painful it is to lose someone so important."

She didn’t die, he wanted to say. She left me.

I gave up on her. I don’t deserve her.

The steel mask Rowan was wearing seemed to be already starting to crack. He needed Lorcan to leave before he couldn't control his emotions.

He had already done too much for him.

He didn't deserve any of what they were offering him. He didn’t deserve anything.

"I can hardly imagine what I would do if I were in your position. If Elide-" he paused, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry, for what's happening. It's not easy, I understand, but whatever you're doing right now, it's not the solution. Treating me and Elide like this isn't going to drive us away, and before you tell me you don't need anything, let me just say that finding you lying in a pool of your own vomit completely hammered, out of your mind was one of the most horrifying things I've ever had to see." he took a step forward, placing a hand on Rowan's shoulder.

He had the instinct to pull away, but the grip on his jacket tightened, pinning him in place.

"I'm not letting you go, okay? I'm not going to let you throw away your career like this," he told him, looking him straight in the eye. "I'm not going to lecture you about what happened the other day. I know I would have done a lot worse, but you have to promise me that it won't happen again."

Lorcan's voice faltered at last and Rowan was surprised to see his eyes glaze over.

He nodded, his mouth slightly open, shocked at his friend's reaction.

"Promise me."

He hurried to whisper, "I promise."

Lorcan nodded, pulling Rowan to him and hugging him. He closed his eyes as the man in front of him held him together without even realising.

When they pulled away, they pretended not to hear the way they were sniffing, or the tears on both men's cheeks. They said a simple goodbye and then Rowan was alone.

Again.

He climbed the stairs slowly, walking like a dead man down the corridor filled with memories of him carrying Aelin in his arms on that very floor, and when he reached the door to their room, he hesitated.

He brushed against the knob, gripping it in his hand.

He stared at the wood in front of him and felt panic assail him.

Rowan turned on his heel, running for the stairs, the exit, hoping that Lorcan had not already left.

He threw open the door of the ghost-filled house and ran out, intent on never returning.

***

It was two weeks after Aelin left their home. Eleven days since he'd run away in a panic. Ten days since Lorcan had convinced Rowan to go back there, at least to pack up his things.

Nine days since Rowan had destroyed their room, screaming and sobbing as he tore the curtains from the windows and threw what little of her he had left against the wall.

Every ornament, every picture frame.

He'd screamed at Lorcan when he'd tried to stop it.

He hadn't succeeded. Rowan had razed their home to the ground, shattering every happy memory they had created over the years in those four walls.

Only when he'd found Aelin's ring had he stopped, bursting into tears so loud that the first sob had startled Lorcan, holding the small object to his chest.

They had gone back to Lorcan’s, and Elide had stood there looking at him with wide eyes, before running to get the first aid kit to clean the wounds Rowan had caused himself. More or less deep cuts, which his friends said should have been stitched up by actual doctors, but Rowan doubted they wouldn't lock him up in the psychiatric ward if he went to the emergency room for the sixth time in such a short time.

Especially if he came in with shards of glass between his fingers.

He hadn't kept his promise to Lorcan.

He'd drank again. He'd gotten into a couple of fights. He hadn't been back to the rink.

He hadn't skated in a fortnight. Longest period of his life off the ice.

But he couldn't do it.

He couldn't do anything. And it was all his fault.

***

It was three months and one day after Aelin had left their home. He had called Lysandra every day since Lorcan had forced him out of his and Elide's house, finding him a place right outside their team's arena. The woman had never given him any real answers, only reassuring him that Aelin was fine and that he should start moving on, too.

That too had broken something inside of him. The implications that Aelin had found someone else.

He couldn’t even bare being in the same room as another woman knowing they’d all be looking at him trying to get in his pants.

Aelin had always been the only one who wanted him for who he truly was, not his money. Not his status.

She had wished all those things gone so many times.

And she had left him.

He had let her go.

The team had sent a physiotherapist to his house every day for the first month, and then every week, accompanied by a shrink. Rowan had managed to drain them all. One after the other.

He was sure Lorcan had lost all hope too, but he continued undaunted to help him, going to his house every day after practice, without ever missing one day.

Rowan knew that Aelin had called him one night, almost a month before. Lorcan had told him, how she had begged him to tell her that he was alright, even though it wasn't true. His friend had also told him that she'd seemed to be drunk, and when she had hung up and both he and Elide had tried to call her back, Aelin had blocked their numbers.

From what he knew, she'd only unblocked Elide's, but she hadn't given him any kind of information about Aelin and he knew she'd never say anything.

He had hurt her - Elide. Rowan knew he'd treated her like little more than trash, both her and Lorcan, but however much he'd hurt her, it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest.

He should have felt something for his friends who had given him everything in the last period, but Rowan could not care less than what they had to go through for him.

Now he was waiting for Lorcan, sitting at the table, to show him he was alright. Putting on his daily show and reassuring his friend that everything was going great, he just wasn't ready to skate again yet. The other one would look at him, yell at him a few minutes before walking out of his miserably empty flat slamming the door.

Rowan was just waiting for the day when he wouldn't show up or when he would tell him he wasn't coming, saying goodbye one last time.

He knew it would happen, one way or another, and Rowan didn't know how to stop the mess that had become his life.

That day it wasn't Lorcan who entered his house, but someone else. Rowan opened the door and saw his agent, his team president, and his coaches, along with the athletic trainers.

They had given him an ultimatum.

Either you go back to slacking off after Christmas break or we break your contract, you're off the team and you lose lots of money.

The president had been particularly emphatic on the subject of money, but for Rowan that would be the least important thing.

It wasn't until the evening after New Year's Eve that he had made a decision.

Lysandra, whom he hadn't seen in person in more than two months, had entered his house looking like someone who hadn't slept in years. She had forced him out of bed, shouting at him to wash up, to clean his house. She had made it so Rowan couldn't talk back, never letting him speak, pushing him left and right.

She had taken him outside, something he hadn't done in weeks, so much so that the sun had hurt his eyes for the first two hours. She had forced him to buy new clothes and all the missing furniture in his house.

She had stayed with him for three days.

Three extremely long days in which she had swore at him, insulted him in every possible way imaginable by the human mind. They'd nearly come to blows when she'd touched a sore spot and Rowan had threatened to call Aedion to haul her away.

She'd dragged him to the party Fenrys had thrown for the New Year and for the first time in months, Rowan had smiled.

Elide had started crying when she'd seen him, Lorcan on the verge of tears as well. They had both hugged him and Rowan had begged for their forgiveness.

That night, Rowan thought things would be different for him for the first time.

He'd been wrong.

Again.

***

It was four years and twenty-seven after Aelin had left their home. Four years since he had received no news of her. Three years since he stopped asking.

Rowan had been zapping through channels for so many hours now that the glaring light of the TV didn't even bother him anymore. His eyes were slightly glazed over as he stared at the screen, not really looking at the images in front of him. He caught a glimpse of a sentence here and there, ignoring the constant tinkle coming from his phone that warned him that Lorcan still didn't give up on talking to him every day from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. Even when he was on holiday with his now wife.

They had won yet another cup. The third win in a row.

Sometimes Rowan could hardly believe it.

Three Stanley Cups.

On his dream team.

He should have been excited. No, not excited.

He should have been the happiest man on earth. He should have been out celebrating with his teammates, vacationing on a tropical beach like Lorcan was doing, surrounding himself with girls ready to offer him anything to spend even just one night with him.

But Rowan didn't want to.

Rowan felt nothing – he had not felt anything in the last few years of his life. How did he expect to start now? For a measly win.

He hated hockey. He hated the sport. Hated the fans, his teammates.

He hated his life.

He was about to turn off the TV, confident that he would be able to sleep tonight without the help of the meds the team kept giving him to keep him from collapsing during the games, when his finger froze on the remote.

He didn't know what he was watching, but it seemed to be a channel about gossip, and Rowan felt a pang of anger well up in his chest. It seemed to be the only emotion he still felt from time to time.

Shocked and pissed that someone had felt the need to devote an entire channel to minding other people's business, he stood up, ready to pass out in his cold bed, when the words of the man on the screen stopped him in his tracks.

"And now to the latest news, straight from the social of the Toronto Maple Leafs' rookie player, Chaol Westfall, who has announced his marriage to the stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Aelin Galathynius. She has never been very active on social media, in fact, for somebody with such a charm, she'd be perfect in the role of influencer, but-"

Rowan stopped hearing.

He felt his body's reaction in time, and rushing to the kitchen, he managed to get everything his body was rejecting in the sink. He heaved in there till the last bit of what he’d eaten a few hours ago.

His heart was racing and he had to grip the counter to keep from kneeling on the floor.

That couldn’t be true.

Aelin was getting married.

Aelin was getting married to an hockey player.

The anger blinded him as her words flashed before his eyes.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m weak. I’m so tired.

This isn’t the life I wanted for us.

I wish I could be your “’till death do us apart”, but I can’t.

The sound that came out of him was not human as he ran to his room and snatched the ring from the drawer next to his bed, the letter that just went wherever he went and raced out of the flat that never felt his own anyway.

***

It was four years and thirty days after Aelin had left their home.

Rowan stood in front of the journalists. Everyone was gaping at him, his teammates on the sidelines were looking his way as if he’d grown three heads.

And he couldn’t blame them, but he had needed to do this a long time ago.

He’d talked to his agents, the team’s president, everyone he had needed to to make this happen and he hadn’t felt such freedom in so long.

The questions just kept on coming and coming and he couldn’t distinguish the words. But he didn’t care.

He only needed to make this statement in front of everyone.

“I’m aware that leaving this team right now is a foolish and completely insane idea, but this world has taken too much from me already. My contract with the Senators ended with this season and I know everyone was expecting me to say which team I’m heading off to, but I’m quitting.

“I should have done this a long time ago and I’m sure the person this is for won’t even see this interview, but I love someone who thought she wasn’t enough for me. She told me four years ago her love wasn’t enough. I’m leaving cause hockey has not been a source of happiness in a very long time and it ruined everything good I ever had.

“I thought I loved playing cause of the adrenaline. The pride in a win. The chills when you score. But no, it wasn't that.”

I loved seeing her smile whenever I scored for her. The way she used to put medications on my wounds and bruises whenever I got hit too hard. Or the way we used to get all cuddled up after a long flight, after weeks of not seeing each other. I loved how my jerseys fit her – the way my clothes fit her.

He turned to his teammates, the people he owned a lot but couldn’t bring himself to care enough of to stay with them, “Being on this team would only make it worse. I’m sorry guys, I hope you can understand. This isn’t what I want right now.”

And right before he could get off the stage that had been set up for him, someone screamed from the crown.

“What are you going to do now?”

He didn’t stop to reply, avoiding everyone’s gazes and keeping on walking until he reached the exit of the arena. The chill air hit him hard as he went out on the street and got on the car.

This was the last time he’d be able to use one of the team’s cars.

The driver looked at him in the mirror, “Where to?”

“The airport, please.”

The man nodded and started the engine and Rowan felt something he hadn’t felt in years.

Hope.

Now, I’m going to get her.

tog tag list (if you wanna be added or removed, just dm me or send me an ask)

@maastrash @ireallyshouldsleeprn @sleeping-and-books @hellasblessed @thegoddessofyou @ghostlyrose2 @claralady @sayosdreams @perseusannabeth @letstakethedawn @terrible-and-proud @post-it-notes33 @booksstorm @nalgenewhore @queen-of-demons-and-hell @lanyjoy-13 @vasudharaghavan @cupcakey00 @bri-loves-sunflowers @queen-of-glass @the-regal-warrior @fangirlprincess09 @januarystears @rowaelinismyotp @starbornsinger @bookstantrash @thegreyj @feysand-loml @autumnbabylon @a-court-of-milkandhoney @highqueenofelfhame @story-scribbler @mariamuses @rhysandswingspan

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Nancy

Rio: If you wanna head home 'fore nan and granddad are ready, you can always have a lift back with us Nancy: Thanks Nancy: I'm in no rush though Rio: Having a good time then? Nancy: Sure Nancy: It's not a classroom, I'll take it Rio: Yeah, I bet you're buzzing Nancy: You mean you can't tell? Well, that's devastating Nancy: I reckoned on it being so obvious, like Rio: I mean, your poker face ain't all that, babe, if you wanna be real about it Nancy: More of a resting bitch, I know Nancy: The good news must not have sunk in yet Rio: Give it a few Nancy: Yeah Rio: Anyway, can't do anything about it now Rio: May as well enjoy your summer Nancy: Like I said, I already am Nancy: Aside from the prospect of going home Rio: 👍 Rio: How bad can it be Rio: he's taken one for the team Nancy: No, he's made sure exams mean more than they did before Nancy: and made me the focus since he's a less than safe convo topic Rio: Well, your family's inability to communicate is longstanding and not my fault so I'm not gonna take the blame for it, nor is my baby Rio: Sorry, like Nancy: I didn't ask Nancy: It's not my fault that his fall from grace makes me their poster child for success now either, I definitely never asked for that Rio: If you're going to feel so sorry for yourself, don't be surprised when people feel it for you in return Rio: Oddly enough our decision to have a child wasn't exactly about you Nancy: I'm only surprised the pity party isn't full already Nancy: My brother tends to take up a lot of space Rio: Please Rio: We've got no reason to be sorry, either definition Rio: we're happy, if you lot wanna be miserable then the party is all yours Nancy: Does he know that? Does he feel it? 'Cause he sounded like he wanted me to be sorry for him many times over when we last spoke Rio: Like I said, you're all crap at communicating Rio: but thanks Nancy: Yeah, and he's one of the worst Nancy: If I feel sorry for anything, it's for you, for that much, like Rio: Fuck off Rio: I don't need your pity Nancy: Don't tell me to fuck off Rio: Why not? You've seen fit to talk to me how you please Nancy: 'Cause you're judging my communication skills like its your job, for one thing Nancy: And for another, I haven't said anything like that to you, ever Rio: You said in as few words as possible that you don't think Buster really wants our baby, implying that I don't know him and we don't talk, whilst you were at it Rio: but no Rio: the f bomb in response, so much worse, Jesus Nancy: No I haven't Nancy: All I've said to him is that his timing is ridiculous and when was the last time we even spoke, me and you? Before exams probably so Rio: What does it matter to you, or your parents for that matter Rio: He's still going to Uni, he's still doing everything they want Nancy: I don't care what they want Nancy: I care about him and how hard it's gonna be Nancy: I won't be here to help either of you, not even in the same country, so excuse me for being worried Rio: When ain't life? Rio: You can't let that stop you from doing what you want Nancy: You don't need to make it harder on yourself, Jesus Rio: Well that ain't how it's going to be, or how we see it Nancy: It's easy for him to see it that way when he never admits that he needs help or that anything could possibly be a struggle in the slightest Nancy: He's just perfect and everything will be, end of story Rio: I help him Rio: and I know that, I knew that before this even started Nancy: I know you do and you know I love you, yeah? I'm not saying this to be a bitch to you Rio: I know Rio: but I don't get why you can't translate your worry into supporting him, that is literally all he needs from you Rio: instead of the constant barage of questions Nancy: because I'm scared for him and he scares me Nancy: how little he thinks about anything Nancy: He just wants and he gets and I'm the only one who cares if it'll work out or not Nancy: you know that's what he's always been like Rio: It's going to work out Rio: even if you wanna talk worst case scenarios, we have to get divorced, yeah Rio: he'll still have the kid, I'm not that bitch Nancy: I hope it does Nancy: Genuinely Nancy: You know that Rio: I think I do Rio: but you don't always show it Rio: I know it's a lot Rio: but it's hard for him when none of you seem happy for him or even say it's alright, like Rio: why do you think he can't admit he needs help, when has he got it? Nancy: Do you? 'Cause when you got together I had to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about him and you Nancy: He says he's loved you since he was a kid, I was there, I have almost the same memories Nancy: But I don't Nancy: at all Rio: Why does it matter? We were all kids Nancy: 'Cause all this time he was so unhappy and I didn't know, okay Nancy: I didn't do anything Rio: None of us did Rio: He didn't want you to know, anyone Rio: you can't take blame for it like you wilfully ignored cries for help but he's trying now Rio: he needs you now, okay Nancy: I'm trying too Nancy: I just Nancy: I don't know him, if I ever did Nancy: How am I meant to know what to do? Rio: You did Rio: You were close then, just because you didn't know this one thing doesn't mean you weren't Rio: You wouldn't tell him about every crush you had, especially if you felt shame about being gay or there was another reason you knew he could judge you for it, you know? Rio: Just, try and be nice to each other, simple and as stupid as it sounds Rio: that's all you gotta do in this world though Nancy: You can say wanting to fuck my teacher, that's pretty shameful, babe Nancy: Lord, did you really have to do the one thing that scares me most to test me Nancy: Babies are terrifying Rio: Well you know, I assume you weren't child thirsting after your reception teacher like 👌👌👌 nice cardigan miss Rio: Nah Rio: they're just people Rio: I guess that's kinda the problem though Nancy: Hey, she was cute! And very attentive Nancy: Well, not to be dramatic and turn this into a therapy session but the last time I was properly excited for a baby to be born, he died Nancy: And now we don't talk about him Rio: That isn't going to happen again Rio: and you could talk to Buster about him Rio: he's thinking about him too Nancy: Does he talk about him to you? Rio: Yeah, a little Rio: we're going to give the baby his name as a middle Nancy: Really? Rio: I should say we don't know it's a boy yet, we just think it is Rio: but I won't say 'if not, the next one' and freak you out further, like Nancy: Go ahead, I'm just out here openly crying at the beach Rio: I'm sorry Rio: you can use my ugly dress as a hankie if you wanna Nancy: It's not that bad Rio: It's years old 'cos everything I own now would leave no need to announce this Rio: tempting but probably not Nancy: You should have come to me, my wardrobe runneth over Nancy: Literally, I need to have such a huge clear out before uni starts Rio: You planning to reinvent yourself as a minimalist? 😏 Rio: local charity shops gonna be a goldmine, like Nancy: Reinvent myself, yeah, as that, no Nancy: I get it, not tempting to come over when I'm being a bitch Nancy: I'm sorry you have to suffer that dress as a result, babe Rio: Well you know, or we could say I was giving you space and time Rio: politer Rio: I'm not even sure it was ever mine Rio: maybe it was yours, the ultimately bitchery to get it out of my system Nancy: Not to be that bitch or lesbian stereotype, okay, but what's under it? Can you not just remove it now the secret's out? Nancy: Be you again Rio: 😂 Rio: Still got it, babe Rio: I guess I can now Rio: It's weird Nancy: Do it for my brother if not me Nancy: You think I need to sort my face, look at his right now Rio: Poor boy Rio: at least I didn't straighten my hair, then he'd really be devastated Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I wish you had, I'd have taken so many pics to post and tag him in Rio: 😏 Pure evil, like Nancy: Genetically, sorry Nancy: Not saying you should watch The Omen again or anything but Rio: 😲 How rude Rio: but if I remember correctly that fucker was adopted so it would've been more cutting to come at me with Rosemary's Baby, like Rio: slacking Nancy: Oops, horror movies not really my forte Rio: You should reconsider Rio: yeah the bitch always dies, but she's usually half-naked beforehand, like Nancy: Are you gonna put your arm around me when it gets scary though? I think not Rio: You know I would you just ain't vibing 💔 Nancy: Lies! I just told you to strip Rio: True enough Rio: There's hope yet then Nancy: I'm sorry for being a bitch this whole time Nancy: I've missed you, it feels like exams lasted years Rio: I know, it was stressful and I weren't even taking them so God knows how you lot survived Rio: How do you feel about them, genuinely? Nancy: I know you love him, but how much of a prick was he during his, like 1-10? To make me feel better Nancy: I feel bad but like, I always do about that stuff so Nancy: It doesn't mean anything Rio: Oh, 11, for sure 😏 Rio: no, it was hard though, he was stressed as fuck Rio: you'll have done what you needed to do, I know Nancy: At least you could play the pregnancy card, like DO NOT STRESS ME, BOY Nancy: I basically had to shut myself away to get the same effect Rio: I feel it, Junior looks like this is his first time seeing sunlight in years, he hasn't taken his sunglasses off Rio: know they're prescription but come on Rio: as for the pregnancy card, great for getting out of arguments you've probably caused being a crazy bitch, like Nancy: I don't think he remembers who any of us are 😂 Nancy: It's not too late to have some actual fun today, is it? Nancy: You need it too, Buster said you've been pretty sick Nancy: He's dramatic, but still Rio: Of course not Rio: Someone suggested going to the pub to celebrate but as I'm the one with the baby I can make sure they choose somewhere nice with a decent cocktail list and beer garden, not a grotty old man pub, like Rio: Just morning sickness but it was pretty shitty and lonely when he was at School and so was Indie Rio: but fingers crossed I'm over that now so Nancy: We have to do something about that dress first Nancy: Come with me before we go anywhere else Nancy: I will save you Rio: 🙌 Rio: If you take me near a maternity section, we will brawl Nancy: God no Nancy: I'd burst into flames Rio: 😂 Rio: You remembered suncream today though, yeah? Nancy: Yes, mum Nancy: Maternity clothes are actually disgusting and I'm not letting it happen to you Nancy: Or my niece or nephew, how embarrassing to look back on Rio: It's just not necessary either Rio: do you know how big most clothes go these days like Nancy: Thank you! Like be more creative than that Nancy: If you wear a smock I'm disowning you Nancy: I don't care if you're having twins in a heatwave Rio: You'll be glad to know it ain't, unless one of them was hiding real stealth, but I'd be much bigger, pretty sure Nancy: Yeah, you'd need more than that dress to hide behind, right? Mum was such a ridiculous size with us, the pics are actually like something out of a scary movie Nancy: Say what you like about her, and do, but she always looked good Rio: Honestly, poor bitch Rio: Feel her small girl pain in a way you can never Rio: feeling like a human ball some days and it is just the one Nancy: Why do you think I'm not taking you to a maternity section, they'd think I was the one with a baby on board Nancy: No offense but kill me Rio: Oh bitch no Rio: like, is daddy excited or terrified, Nance? Rio: straight girl bants Nancy: I nearly threw up in my mouth Nancy: Not morning sickness, sorry lads Rio: You keep down your breakfast if you getting in my car, thank you very much Nancy: Such a mum 😏

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Ali

Sad, sad times

Grace: Please don't start drama but I do have something to tell you Grace: hopefully you'll be happy about it but I know dad won't be so I'm doing it here Grace: Not sorry mum Grace: Anyway the news is that you're gonna be a 👵 again! So exciting Grace: 👼💙💜 Ali: Hold up for one second Ali: How do you know? Have you been to the Drs? You didn't need to do that alone, Grace Grace: I took a couple of tests no need to hold my hand through that mum Ali: Those tests are less certain than that birth control we got you on for a reason Ali: Don't be taking the result as gospel yet Ali: And have you thought about this, properly? You don't even know this boy, so who knows what help he'd be if any, and you're nowhere near done with School, what about all your plans? How does a baby fit in with them? Grace: I'm not stupid, I've got loads of symptoms like Grace: yeah but I don't need him anyway it'll only be a bonus if he stays Grace: You managed so can I Ali: Okay, well, we'll get you an emergency appointment today, you have to deal with these things head-on Ali: It isn't a bonus, Grace, if a child is made by two people, it needs both of those people on its team, needs to know they care Ali: You know that, its all well and good to say otherwise, and ultimately, its your choice, but pretending no one else is involved or will have an effect is stupid, and you aren't repeating my mistakes Ali: Not to mention, our situations were different, we're different people, you have to do what is right for you, now, and you really need to think about what you're going to want a year from now, 18, 'cos its your whole life changed forever Grace: She wasn't a mistake, mum Grace: and neither is my baby Grace: I'm just saying if he's not happy about this, I am and I'll have plenty of people around to help me if he won't Grace: So don't be mad at me, okay? I need you to talk down round Ali: I'm not saying she was Ali: but she was undeniably a very unhappy little girl and I wouldn't wish the guilt I feel for my part in it on anyone, least of all you, any of my children, okay? Ali: You know you have both our support no matter what Ali: But, give yourself time to think about this properly, okay? Ali: You know you rushed things with Harry Grace: Did you say all this to Billie or does she get a free pass for being across the pond? Grace: Maybe it's just me because you don't think I can do this. Well fine Grace: I can and will. You'll see mum Ali: Hey now, of course I did, your different people in different situations but I still told her what she needed to hear, too Ali: What are you trying to prove, Grace, and to who? Ali: A child isn't a test, a chance to say fuck you to the world and everyone in it, you can't do that, it's not fair Grace: It's not fair that you're treating me like I'm 6 either Grace: I know you don't like Harry, but you should have a bit more of an idea about me by now Grace: If you can't be happy for me then don't but don't try and tell me what to do Ali: You're not acting like an adult at all right now, so don't expect me to treat you like one Ali: No one is trying to tell you what to do, Grace Ali: I'm telling you its your decision and you have to make it alone, and that's a terrifying and exciting prospect to a 16 year old all at once but if you can't handle the idea of doing that with a little bit of thought behind it then I don't know what to tell you Grace: I already have thought about it Grace: I wouldn't be telling you yet if I hadn't Ali: Okay, good. Ali: So, how are you going to provide childcare whilst you finish School? How are you going to afford the roughly 10 grand in the first year alone? Are you taking time off for the first 6 months, at least? How are you going to catch up? Ali: Talk to me Grace: I'll just leave school I'm rubbish at it anyway Ali: You are not Ali: but okay, what are you going to do for your career then? You can't get on the beauty course without at least seeing out this year and next Grace: I'll do my exams and stuff later if needs be Grace: It's not like I was going to get the beauty place so Grace: might as well have a rethink now instead of then Ali: Why not? Its vocational, you've got the talent most girls are going on that course to learn already, even if you don't get your 3Cs, which you're well on target for anyway, you can do your English and Maths alongside your course, they'll help you get them Ali: You just need to get the qualification out the way, then you can set up your own business if you want, but would you let someone without the certificate touch your face or hair? Ali: If you're having this baby, you need the money now, not later Grace: get over it, I am Grace: I'll just become a mummy blogger or whatever that's a skill I do have Ali: Don't be childish Ali: You might not want to tell me, whatever; but this is the sort of stuff you need to be sorted before the baby comes, end of Ali: How long do you need to do that before you've got your audience large enough for adsense? Which is pennies, you need to attract sponsors to really earn, for that you need to know how to negotiate, write and give proposals...then all that money comes in a chunk, you have to save wisely, budget Ali: Its a lottery, love, not impossible but not guaranteed Ali: You need guarantees in place Grace: excuse me for not having the next 40 years set in stone Grace: not like you and dad did so chill please Ali: No, no excuses Grace, they won't cut it Ali: We both knew what we wanted to do before any of you were born, and we were putting those plans into action Ali: Not only do you need this all set out and into motion, you'll have to do extra you didn't expect, didn't want to Ali: Begging favours left and right, working extra jobs on the side that you have no interest in but it covers the costs Ali: Its the hardest thing you'll ever do, and trust me, its a damn sight harder when the father doesn't pull his weight Grace: yeah well I didn't plan to have this baby and I haven't even told Harry yet Grace: Not sorry for not having everything figured out the second I got the result Ali: No, Grace, you ARE planning to have this baby Ali: you're doing it now, this is what I'm trying to tell you Ali: None of my pregnancies were 'planned', so few people's are Ali: but when you find out, you have to hit the ground running, the plan is being made, don't get swept up in panic or excitement or whatever emotion you're feeling, you can't afford to Ali: Are you going to tell him? Grace: Obviously, but like you said, I have to go to the doctor's first Grace: even if I know he'll want it confirmed Grace: want to know it's his too probably Ali: That's probably the best idea, yeah, got you in @5, okay? You can go in alone, if that's what you want Ali: Or if you want to bring one of your sisters, a friend, instead Ali: Well, I can't say anything on that, can I? I can see the merits but insulting, I'm sure Grace: I'll go on my own Mia's got a driving lesson so Grace: it's chill that's just what lads are like, esp when you haven't been coupled up long Ali: Is it? Ali: Chill, I mean Grace: yeah Grace: he's not used to keeping girls around before me that's all Grace: none at his school are loyal like Ali: I can see why Ali: Hardly inspires it, does he Grace: None of you know him well enough to be shady thanks Ali: Neither do you, Grace Ali: Come off it Grace: Don't start, mum Grace: I know enough Ali: I wish that were true Ali: but its yours to find out if you're not up for listening, can't blame you, I rarely did Grace: okay Grace: are you gonna tell dad? Ali: If you want me to Grace: Only if you make sure none of the others are around Ali: Of course, you can tell them all in your own time Grace: thanks Ali: No problem Ali: Anything else you need? Grace: No I'm fine Ali: Love you sweetheart Grace: Love you too 💜 Grace: No need to drag dad into my drama if you haven't already Grace: correct it to fake news otherwise Ali: Oh Grace, I'm so sorry Ali: Are you alright? Grace: yeah obviously Grace: not cut out for it anyway so Ali: Don't say that, I certainly didn't, you'll be a cracking mum one day Ali: Just not your time right now Grace: might as well've no need to backtrack now mum it's fine Grace: Not gonna be my time ever but there's always the beauty course for you to be buzzing about Ali: Don't put words in my mouth, especially not such nasty ones, that wasn't what I was saying at all, you know that Ali: What are you saying, Gracie? Grace: just what I said, you'll have to get your grandkids from the others Grace: plenty of us though so Ali: Hold on Ali: What did the Dr tell you? Grace: She said not only am I not having a baby now I can't have them. Ever Ali: Darling...I'm so sorry, that is, a lot for you to have to process now, too much Ali: And there's nothing I can say to make it better but where are you? You should come Home Grace: I'm fine where I am Grace: I'd rather be on my own anyway Ali: Okay but I don't think you should be Ali: Are you with Mia? Ali: Harry? Grace: No Grace: they'd only want to know what's up Ali: Of course... and you don't have to tell anyone, but I'm glad you told me. You shouldn't have to shoulder this alone, you don't need to, please come find me when you're ready Grace: No need mum I'm fine and like you said, there's nothing you can say Ali: I know Ali: But we can be there, we are Ali: When you're ready Grace: The doctor handled it I've got more info than I wanna read thanks Ali: I'm not going to lecture you, God, what kind of monster do you- Ali: The Doctor isn't your family Ali: I'd be a shittier Mum than I am if I didn't let it be known, even though that's all I've got to offer Grace: You've had loads of kids and could have more tomorrow if you wanted so excuse me if I don't come crying to you about something you'll never understand Grace: None of you can help me with this Ali: I know Ali: I know we can't Ali: Won't stop us trying, though, I'm sorry Grace: Save it for someone else's drama Grace: I don't need it Ali: I wish with everything I could give you what you need but I can't Ali: I just can't Ali: Stay safe, okay? Grace: I'm sure I already radiate enough saddo vibes to keep everyone at a safe distance Grace: is it okay if I stay at Mia's? Ali: That isn't true Ali: Of course, I'm glad you can have a friend around you, take as long as you need Grace: thanks, I'll come and get some of my stuff later but I can't deal with Janis thinking I'm moping because Harry dumped me or whatever Ali: Okay darling Ali: I get it Ali: She would be there if she knew, you know Ali: but you don't have to tell anyone Grace: she's a bitch mum Grace: and she hates me so like no way Ali: She doesn't hate you, not really, you just have your differences Grace: 🙄 I'll believe her instead of you thanks since she tells me enough Ali: We all say things we don't mean Ali: Especially when we're angry Grace: 🙄 Grace: anything else cringey you wanna add Ali: You know its true Ali: I love you so bloody much Ali: How's that? Grace: 💗 Grace: thanks for not telling anyone Grace: Mia's mum is always gossiping with her friends about everything Grace: I'd die if anyone found out about any of this Ali: Well, we'll both thank our lucky stars I'm not anything like Mia's Mum then, ay? Ali: It is nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Don't you ever think that, its okay to be heartbroken or furious at the world, God and me and everyone else who takes it for granted but don't you be ever ashamed, there's nothing wrong with you and there's a million ways to be a mum if that's what you decide you want still Ali: But you don't owe anyone an explanation, either Ali: I'll tell Dad, yeah? But that's as far as it goes Grace: I'm scared though and not just because the pharmacy woman is gossipy af Grace: The doctor was saying all this horrible stuff Ali: I know, well, I think I do...but we can talk it over when you come Home, or I'll come meet you for coffee in town or whatever and we can go through it all together Ali: Those leaflets are a bit scaremongery, but they have to be, cover their bases, I promise we will sort this so you don't have to be afraid of it and get you any help you might need Grace: Can you meet me soon? I don't think I can face Mia and not talk about this until I've talked about it Grace: Stupid I know but Ali: Not at all Ali: I'll come right now, we can sit in the car, have fish and chips if you like Grace: Thanks mum, sorry I was such a bitch before Ali: Nah, not at all, I don't need to be cringe and tell you we all say things when we're scared too, do I? Grace: 😂 Grace: You were right about me rushing the baby thing, I was, I just wanted it so much Ali: I know sweetheart, I know Ali: and I have been there, I really wasn't trying to be a hypocritical cow about it Ali: One day, I promise Grace: I know I shouldn't have pinned my hopes on it but everyone else has something Grace: I don't and I can't even mess everything up the same as the rest of you Ali: You're 16, Gracie, you don't have to even fake having it together like you would if you were having a baby right now Ali: and a terrible thing happened to us all Ali: the others are struggling too, doesn't downgrade or touch on your own, and I'm not saying it to act like it should Ali: but you really aren't alone in being not okay right now, not at all Ali: as much as it might pain me, its the truth of it Grace: I wish we could all go back and do it over Ali: Me too Ali: but, we can't, we've got to find a way to push through or we'll all be stuck Ali: none of us want that, do we? she wouldn't want it for us either Grace: but I don't know how to talk to any of the others anymore, especially Janis Grace: I miss them Grace: We used to tell each other everything Ali: Me either...I don't think Janis wants to be talked to anymore, not by anyone, all we can do is be there waiting when she does. I know it hurts. Ali: I know you do Ali: We all miss each other Ali: We got blown apart, but I have to believe we'll find our way back one day Ali: I know we all want to, I really do know that Grace: I keep thinking if I sit here long enough of my own, Edie'll pop up like she used to do Grace: She never came to me but, maybe this time because it's all so unfair already Grace: So stupid Ali: You can try talking to her, if you like Ali: One of the only alright things about it, you can get her to appear whenever you like Ali: if you're stupid then I'm absolutely daft Grace: She'd get it I think how I feel Ali: I reckon she would too Ali: She was a lot wiser than she let on Ali: Than people gave credit for Grace: Yeah Grace: Do I have to tell Harry any of this? ugh Grace: about me I mean, not how messed up the rest of us are Ali: No Ali: he's got no need to know, its none of his business unless you wanted the emotional support, that's the only reason Grace: But what if it changes everything he wasn't here to get with a 👵 Ali: If it changes anything he's a piece of shit Ali: not to mention, he didn't even know he was about to be a daddy so I don't think its a dream dashed for him Grace: yeah but all these side effects like, might as well be dating nan Grace: ugh I hate this Ali: I think nan's got enough boy drama with granddad, still, like Ali: Its shit, really shit but manageable Ali: You're stronger than this, millions of girls live with it and its not stopping them living to the fullest, so like fuck it will you Ali: Do you want me to sly ask Ro? See if she has any Doctor know-how, no more leaflets required Grace: She won't let it slip to anyone will she? Ali: Nah, 'course not Ali: Confidentiality, she'd never break her oath #goodytwoshoes Ali: and I'm pretty creative, I've asked her much stranger questions than this before now Grace: cool Grace: ask her then Grace: It was hard to take it all in earlier Ali: It would be Ali: Nothing prepares you but Drs are notoriously bad at even trying, like Ali: Right, now leaving work, where do you want me to pick you up from? Grace: I'll meet you there, anywhere but the CG obvs Grace: I wanna walk Ali: Cool, I'll text you when I'm here 💚 Grace: Love you 💜 Ali: Love you too