#SL99 vents

[spectrumlife99]

Had meltdown Tuesday night lost control of myself was breaking things and hurt my mom because swing broke and upset upset upset because need swing to help stay calm while having bad mental state always lately and swing is broken now so lost it and didn't mean to hurt mom I hate hate HATE losing it it's still bothering me and can't get it out of head still upset I did that and STILL apologizing to mom because ended up hurting her because bigger stronger than her and didn't mean it NEVER mean it I just lose control and NOTHING I can do because can't feel it coming on or anything just takes over me I hate hate hate meltdowns they're bad problems bad problems BAD PROBLEMS can't get over it still feel awful and still hurts because HURT MY MOM but I never never NEVER mean it but don't know if she knows that but I love my mom so so SO much she still taking care of me since can't live on my own wouldn't be able to survive but upset over hurting her can't get out of my mind meltdowns are the worst worst WORST hate them hate them HATE THEM!!!!

[spectrumlife99]

So mad right now can't even calm down so tired so DONE everyone thinks they know me better than I do myself and tell me I can do much stuff and tell me I don't give enough credit and can do all the things I say I can't but it's OVERESTIMATING ME and overestimation is killing me mentally I can't even and I KNOW myself I KNOW what's possible and not possible and they DON’T and I'm so mad mad mad upset upset upset and don't know how to tell them and make them get it they're treating me like child and putting way to much pressure on me all at once can't stand it I wish they understood its so painful they dismiss my issues and struggles and it hurts and being put on pedestal hurts and can't stand it can't stand it CAN'T STAND IT its damaging and they say I'm so 'high-functioning' and I hate that hate it HATE IT it dismisses my VERY REAL issues like can't live on my own can't get a job can't even THINK about jobs without having meltdown because so stressful so triggering EVERYTHING about it is too much and can't do it can't do it CAN'T DO IT wish I knew how to make them understand I DO know myself BETTER than they THINK they do but they don't get it I don't know how to make them get it and I can't stand it can't stand it CAN’T STAND IT!!!!!