#SHE MAKES ME SO MISERBALE.

[monards]

i think this still stands as one of my favorite exchanges lines in symbiosis just because of the sheer depth of it. despite how silly it seems at first. because it IS!!!! butohhh my GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- one of the most pivotal. and essential. points of magnolia's character IS her struggle with vulnerability ; and one of the most important parts of her overall story is the way she's perceived by others, and how she responds to it. if you really choose to read into it, mint's depiction of magnolia so brutally hits those two points (as is proven by her reaction) and it's! incredibly gut wrenching! when you think about it!

Mint goes out of his way to draw magnolia (dare i say meownolia) as wholly facing the camera, as opposed to his own full body cat which isn't in that same sate of facing the camera completely, which already has FAR more intimate connotations than magnolia has and probably is ever gonna be comfortable with in any situation. There's a reason headshots of characters are typically used to get across emotions or key components of a character ! Because whole eye contact and attention implies a certain vulnerability. Something something, eyes are the window to the heart & soul. (I'm not poetic i forgot the phrase nobody comment on it.) The single fact alone that mint choses this manner to draw Magnolia that already nudges at her very explicit issues around vulnerability. Mint went out of his way to draw her in a way that would imply him staring into her very soul as he drew her !! That's going to fuck up that emotionally unavailable woman quite a bit !! -> This isn't even to consider the motifs around height in symbiosis : the concept of Mint being able to stand and meet her eyes without looking up or any other hinderance (thinking of how the way she holds him, for example, still manages to set a distance between their faces: so he's either looking away, or unable to see her without having to look up) is something that is ESTABLISHED to disturb Magnolia on some level - since that clearly comes with the vulnerability of being on the same level as somebody, rather than above them. The concept of directly meeting Mint's eyes, without looking down at all, is clearly a tad unnerving to her ! to say the least ! and do you wanna guess. do you wanna guess how mint would've looked at her as he drew her. as he drew in an incredibly affectionate manner (as a cat!) which has very soft connotations to it (all of which implying him seeing her *as* that at this level?) AT EYE LEVEL !!! HE WOULD BE STARING HIS DEPICTION OF MAGNOLIA AT EYE LEVEL !!! AND HE SHOWS HERE THAT HE'D SEE HER AS SOFT AND KIND THE WAY SHE IS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- I think the more obvious, and easier to explain without me sounding like a complete lunatic, part of this exchange come from when you recontextualize the line "(Art is hardly his strong suit, I suppose nobody ever taught him how to draw.)" Literally the BIGGEST part of magnolia's character is how, by every standard of society as she knows it, she should be judged as horrible and wretched and evil, and every other synonym of those words one can imagine !!! and art, in this instance, is clearly acting as a metaphor for that perspective -- if you replaced art and draw with any iteration of judgement... it'd be EXACTLY that ! and make whole sense given the context! and do you guys wanna guess. Do you guys wanna guess who the only ever person to see her outside of what society predestined her image to be. do youguys wanna g

DOVE. CANIRY !!!!!! DOVE FUCKING CANIRRRYYYYY CAN ANYBODY HEAR MEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!

It's an explicit point in Magnolia and Dove’s first interaction, in memory, that Magnolia is clearly very, very curious in the matter of Dove's perspective of her– because it’s one that is kind. And that’s the exact point of it ! It's used to establish Dove as a unique other in Magnolia's life; Someone who doesn’t judge her how everyone else does, and someone who sees something in her nobody has before. Because Dove doesn’t have that average black-and-white basis of judging others that almost anyone else Magnolia has ever met and interacted with has been given by society since the day were born.

AND MINT EXPLICITLY IS MADE TO PARALLEL THAT ASPECT OF DOVE !!! IF NOT DOVE AS A WHOLE !!!!!!!

Magnolia lived, and continues to live, her life with the preconceived notion she is inherently evil, and or just wrong. She has even had this REPEATEDLY reinforced, too ; Her own parents are noted to have not liked her, as far as she could tell– and given what we know of her habitual response of understating and not comprehending the full emotional weight of a situation, it’s easily assumed this lack of love was far more prevalent than she states it to be off handedly. It’s for that reason that it’s so hard to imagine those beliefs aren’t CODED into Magnolia’s very head between that, and the fact her attitude is definitely not attracting much positive attention.

The fact of mint directly paralleling dove’s narrative purpose is so sickening is because it shows dove’s interpretation was not just a “only she could think of me this way” situation. Because here it’s proven to her that others can, and do, see good in her.

And for someone like Magnolia, whose already dug her own grave, and committed herself to an interpretation and caricature of herself that lacks any nuance or complexity that she learned she could actually be afforded through that perspective? That’s scary.

The concept of being told, and confirmed, this far into her life, that she’s capable of good, and that others see good in her, is HORRIFIC !! She’s long since seeled her own fate, and it’s incredibly easy to conceptualize the torment and anguish someone would feel knowing this wasn’t the route they had to take.

As much as Magnolia certainly is self-sufficient & intendent… nobody likes being that way all the time. We see her attachment to mint directly establish that; the fact she cares so deeply and honestly for mint, questionable motives aside, proves she does still crave and desire all of those things she could’ve had in a normal life– such as love, affection, and care. And her being told in any capacity, or through any means, “you could’ve had that normal life - you aren’t the solely horrible person, incapable of obtaining a good life & your goal simultaneously, that society has told you that you are for so long, because i can see something in you” WOULD undoubtedly make her defensive, as was seen in the exchange! Exactly reasoning her immediate thought “… He thinks I look like this?” The shock of being told you're not wholly bad, no matter how hard you’ve pushed yourself into a caricature of evil, especially when you're Magnolia Faragher herself, cannot be all that fun.

This helps explain to her “Art is hardly his strong suit, I suppose nobody ever taught him how to draw.” line too, because this is (in the context of what i'm trying to say, at least) NOT just about art.

Magnolia has long, long since (unintentionally) confined herself and her characterization to the general and mainstream standard of morals and ethics of people in *mainstream* society – wholly disregarding the nuanced opinions of people like Dove, because that was just one unique perspective, as far as she was aware. It’s an incredibly well known historical fact that, within the era Magnolia was growing up, and living, in actual-society, (implied early 1940s, to late 1970s) – every aspect of her would’ve been antagonized. Although in a more modern setting, her attitude and personality when she was younger would hardly be radical – back then, it was.

No matter how hard someone may try to escape it, it’s incredibly hard to escape values you were taught in your formative years, now to mention ones which were cemented into you till you were 37, practically. Magnolia’s response doesn’t come out of her just, alone, thinking Mint was “uneducated” to any degree (whether that be art, or socially) – it also comes, majorly, from her being in denial of the fact that his thoughts, and actions, were valid in their take, because he wasn’t taught on mainstream societal norms, as she was. His art (interpretation of her) isn’t his “strong suit” because to her, it can’t possibly be if he hadn’t learned it through proper sources that she’s familiar with.

Her reaction to Mint immediately being that he was simply uneducated in that subject is her IMMEDIATELY trying to deflect the concept of a perception of her not abiding by what she’s used to. He doesn’t know society’s morals, so this is simply a failure of educating him on it on her part. To her, his opinion isn’t valid (no matter how much more reasonable and evidenced it is) because it goes against what she’s been taught to believe, and understand, about people – because to her, there’s no way in which he can form an opinion of her that’s valid, if it’s not through the lense and context that she’s evil (which, ultimately, would lead him to hate her, as far as she’s concerned.)

SHE IS PURPOSELY SABOTAGING AND RUINING HER IMAGE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S EYES, GUYS!!!

An option in the balcony conversation is to have Magnolia say Mint is only an experiment to her, and that she’s keeping him around for the sake of “learning” about his nature as a homunculus – and Dove goes out of her way to call out the fact she’s clearly lying to the both of them. Proving that Magnolia went out of her way to lie about her own thoughts by trying to use an incredibly character-changing concept. The fact both possible endings, beyond this point, are centered on the aspect of Magnolia being self aware of her horrible actions, and character, and pushing Mint to the city (society) to learn about the world and it’s standards, and beliefs, proves there’s a lot more to those actions than her just trying to hide her affection for mint from Dove, too. She explicitly made a point to paint her actions as evil, to establish a rift between her and mint – which would then drive him to grow and learn under society’s standards.

Magnolia's character is BUILT on the concept of her having an almost instinct where she needs to be perceived poorly in other’s eyes, part because of her upbringing, and other part her experience in society cementing it– because that’s all she knows! As smart and intelligent as Magnolia clearly is, she lacks emotional intelligence of any capacity – because she’s clearly stuck in the past, in the way that she’s haunted by the fact she could’ve done everything she’d wanted normally. She’d never been obligated to be evil, and that it was only the fact society lacked nuance in their perception of her that she believed herself to be this way fundamentally. She’s survived her entire life with the belief that she is evil, and awful, and arrogant, and cold, and the concept of that being so heavily combated by another perspective is obviously FOREIGN and SCARY to her. And, despite how much it may hurt those around her, she’s shown (repeatedly) to make an effort in forcing others to see her as just as evil and horrible and she thinks herself to be.

[hisarahroutledge]

Journal Entry date 4/15/2024

It's been ten days since I last wrote in this, which is an achievement to be honest. Not much has changed, I mean, I'm doing a good job of avoiding Rafe. Topper...not so much. On the HUGE plus side, Cleo is here and it feels like we're in Poguelandia all over again. Well, minus Vivienne. There's something about her that just...she just rubs me the wrong way and I don't know why. She reminds me of the girls back home that tried to make my life miserbale whenever I was wih a guy that they liked. I'm out of high school, I should not be dealing with this bullshit. Oh well, guess Bowling For Soup was right when they sai that high school never ended. I guess that's all for now, I'll be in touch in a few days. Until next time, Sarah C

[colorisbyshe]

If you don't mind me asking, why are you an atheist?

Oh, lots of reasons I guess.

I was never raised very religious to begin with, which didn't help. I was brought to church every Sunday my mom felt like going but when I was about... 10, I told her I'd rather sleep in than go to church and she let me. Just to get the ~vibe of how I was raised. I was already a skeptic and fairly atheist-ic even then.

But well... beyond that it's a combination of a lot of things.

I was also a very inquisitive and skeptical person, even as a child. I constantly asked questions, constantly felt comfortable correcting adults and pushing back when I felt like they were full of shit (I was also a very vulgar child and would USE phrases like 'full of shit'), and would get very, very frustrated when I felt adults were lying to me.

I asked a lot of questions in Bible school and didn't get a lot of answers. Beyond a lot of things not making sense to me logistically, a lot of things didn't make sense to me morally.

And then... my childhood was like... very full of tragedy very early on. Dead dad. Witnessed domestic violence. Related to that, my best friend was put into foster care and I was there when the cops came. Etc etc.

And so, I can to the conclusion, fairly young, that a god could not be all powerful, all knowing, AND benevolent. Because like... sure, free will can explain some evil in the world, but my dad couldn't free will outside of dying young. I was very socially conscious as well (shout out to growing up during hte bush years lol) and a lot of the injustice I saw in the world on a larger scale didn't make sense if you believe in a kind God. 9/11. Racism. Homophobia. Rent existing for single mothers, like my mom.

And, frankly, to me, a god who is not all powerful or all knowing.. isn't really a god. And I didn't want to believe in a god that wasn't benevolent. I wasn't going to fear someone who seemed like such a fucking royal cunt. SO I didn't.

I did get dragged into White Man's Atheism (you know the type) in my preteen years but focused all of my anger and "I can prove your religion is a logical fallacy" energy at Christianity, which I was mostly angry at. Watched shit like The God Who Wasn't There, read some Dawkins (yikes, not proud of that). And just.. felt very angry and hurt. But also correct.

And felt a lot of that anger and hurt continue as I watched people use religion to justify a lot of awful shit.

I've since lost that anger (or at least, I learned to focus it ONLY on the people using religion for bad and not all Christians) but the root of my belief is the same. The world, as it exists, could not be the creation of a kind or involved god. Theoretically, a god who isn't kind or involved could exist, but then... I don't need to believe in them. They have nothing to do with my life, so why spend time believing in them?

The world is a beautiful place to me because it is random. Because we can CHOOSE to be good even when it's hard, even when we aren't rewarded for it. We make our own lives. And when our lives end, there is only the peace of non-existence. That is wonderful to me. That is affirming to me. I don't need anything else to fill that gap.

Things like heaven seem miserable to me. Reincarnation seems fucking miserbale me. I don't need or want a moral code from some abstract fear or desire for reward. I envy some religious communities and think many have created beautiful, powerful things but don't TRULY want that type of community for myself.

I've participated in some religious ceremonies, I've been invited to UU church and had a decent time, celebrated some Jewish holidays and thought they were lovely, but like... it's not something that enriches my life the awy I crave enrichment. Always feel honored to be invited and welcomed into something so sacred but not something I desire on my own.

Even if I believed, I would be a-religious. I am not spiritual in any way. I don't even really believe i the more fun stuff. I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe aliens are among us or have ever visited Earth. "Cryptids" don't intrigue me.

I'm a very fact based person and the beauty I see in the world often stems from the tangible--love from people around me, love in nature, love in random chance. I don't need that form anywhere else.

I don't begrudge anyone their belief so long as they don't wield it against anyone else. I think many religions have lots of good to offer. But for... other people. Not me.

Also, if I did believe, I wouldn't know what God to believe in. Not the Christian God but... there's hundreds more besides. I wouldn't know where to begin. And it's like... who the fuck am I to say "Yes to this god, no to this one?" If there is a God, idk if I'm the one to decide which traits and history belong to them.

[ox7g3n-th13f-001]

tw rant and just me venting abt my life 🤞🏽

im like actually gonna kms so today my cousin was over bc it was her roomates bd and we cleeberated like to the point of eating pie w tea right. so telll me why i hear her and my mom talkinf abt how on sunday i ate a wHOLE FUCKINF QDOBA BOEL and wouldnt eat dinner not jist bc i didnt want to but bc i litealy thought i was gonna throw up if i shoved anythinf else dlwn my throat. but anyways they r tlakig abt how thats like bad and whatever.

LIKE GIRL U PUSH ME TO OVEREAT EVERYDSY AND NOW YOURE GETTING UPSET??

but aftrr sunday when i didnt eat dinner on monday morning my mother decided to make me breakfast

guess what breakfast was

buttered bread (150kcal per slice w butter) with a greasy omelette sandwiched in it (at least 140)

and MILKY ASS SWEET COFFEE

like 🤮🤮🤮

so i ate it to get her off my back right

i thought thus was a one day ordeal

NO

tuesday morning and she pulls out th3 br3ad and butters it and puts it on the pan and its like 😭🤮🤮🤮

butter makes me feel like shit every time i eat sm w it bro its so greasy and i feel like full but not in a yumyum innmy tumtum way in a everythint is abt to come out the same way it cam3 in way

she wonf leave me alone bro and i get its nice she cares abt me but ive never been more miserbale than when shes trying to force feed me

i was happier when i was eating 500 kcal a day bro

[venomgender]

no but actually i love so much that nico got a canon love interest and that hes happy with will and whatever thats great its so wonderful that theyre getting their own book and stuff it IS. but ever since nico was forcibly outed in hoh i feel like the fandom has completely washed away every important aspect of his character in favor of focusing in on him being gay and it got worse after boo. like AGAIN. im happy for him because he deserves love and happiness and from an out of lore reason the fact that percy jackson which i would arugue had the same cultural signifigance as h*rry p*tter (at least for the people around me) is now getting a book co authored with a gay man about two gay men in love is awesome. its AMAZING. but nico is so much more than just some gay guy who used to have a crush on percy and now is dating a son of apollo. like will and nico dont even make sense IF IM BEING HONEST. not that it matters i dont care about will im happy if nicos happy. whatever. ig uess it makes sense when you think of toa and will being a son of apollo or whatever who cares. but lets forget about nico being gay for a second he is like 10 years old when you first meet him and the like first thing this CHILD experiances is his sister dying after devoting herself to a goddess. and he is able to cope for a little bit by idolizing percy and the gang but once it is revealed hes a child of hades everyone treats him different (honestly they always thought something was a little off about him...) and he is completely isolated and alone with no one to turn to. he tries to find his sister in the underworld with MCDONALDS because he is TEN YEARS OLD and (this might not be real maybe im misremembering) his sisterr tells him to stop talking to him when he succeeds. and he has no one to turn to and hes all alone. and he decides to run away from camp and fend for h imself as like an eleven year old and no one tries to stop him because hes always been Weird and Off Putting and nico just has to accept this. and then he plays an integral roll in bringing down kronos and instead of comfortably being able to celebrate with everyone everyone walks on eggshells around him because hes Weird and Off Putting. so he heads to camp jupiter and he heads to the underworld in search of his sister and he finds hazel and he finally feels accepted at camp jupiter and then percy FUCKING jackson shows up. and nico cant do anything to prevent whats going on he just has to watch from the sidelines as a bystandard and once the seven get together nico carries the burden of searching for the doors of death and gets sucked into the BODY OF A GOD THAT ONLY HE OF THE HALF BLOODS IS ABLE TO SEE he just has to suffer through tarturs without the mist protecting him. and he gets fucking captured and forced into a jar and he is relying on nothing but pomegrante seeds to keep him alive. not to mention the literal goddess of misery seeing him as a soul so miserbale he isnt even worth torturing and instead she compliments him on persevering. and he escapes the jar and is outcasted on the argo 2 and gets turned into a fucking PLANT and ends up being forcidbly outed in front of someone who finds him creepy by fucking cupid and. OUGH. and then he decdied to shadow travel reyna and hedge with a fucking STATURE back to camp halfblood and he almost dies in the process and this is the SECOND TIME he plays a vital roll in stopping the world from ending wiht barely even a thanks. but OF COURSE all of that gets swept aside in like a page of interaction with some child of apollo who has had maybe like 3 scenes in the entire percy jackson series because being gay is more interesting and important than the amount of pain and suffering he had to go through with barely any thanks. and through all of this he is choosing to go through tarturous AGAIN in search of an old friend. you know tarturs. the thing that percy said hed probably go insane if he saw it the way nico saw it. YEAH.

and no one is going to acknowledge this significant sacrifce nico is making because its more impotant for a stupid ship that honestly !!! doesnt even make sense !!! again im happy for nico and will im happy that nico is happy he deserves it but its such a stupid trope for nico to fall for the person nursing him back to health. it is. and theyre cute i will admit but WHO CARES. nico is so much more than will he is so much more than being gay but no one even acknoledges it because his pain and suffering is more pallatble being turned into memes and ignored

no one understand nico like i do

[melissaspruce]

Its 2:40am and i cant stop my thoughts

The first time she cheated on me was in a nightclub toilet. Right infront of my eyes. And she denied it. I felt everything crumble id never been so destroyed. Ill never forget how broken i was when i went to my best friends house the next day and collapsed in her arms. I did a weird thing, I pretended it didnt happen. I denied it. The second time she cheated on me was when i was waiting for her at a pub and she left me there alone for 3 hours while she ignored my phone calls and would occasionally reply with petty lies as to where she was. Little did she know someone had seen her with this girl just out front of the pub i was waiting for her in. Whats worse was this girl added me on social media and smiled to my face as I waved hello as i introduced myself kindly. What a dickhead. Then months later i noticed a change in her. Like she was deleberatly trying to get me to hate her. I still stayed and loved her even then. She then broke up with me and told me it was her not me. That old chestnut. Then came back to me when she was lonely a few weeks later. I lied and told her i hacked into her messages and her whole face dropped with guilt. She eventually let out it was the same girl from the night she left me for 3 hours in town. And that she was so guilty she broke up with me so she could meet up with her. Swore she never did anything as per usual. Whats worse was i worked on forgiving her, only to be lying in bed with her at night and have this girl call over 20 times crying she was going to commit sucide. I still bared it. It changed me but i still kept loving her. Then when we would go out i would have to deal with this girl being everywhere we went staring. After that i broke up with her because i found myself becoming crazy. Always checking her posts. Her likes. It began to consume me. Then she pulled the sucide card and told me how much she hated herself. I knew that pain all too easily and my heart broke for her. And yep you guessed it. I contiuned to love her. After that i noticed whatever she had been telling her family and friends must have been horrible because their demanor was noticeably different with me. I couldnt understand why i was so hated when i did nothing wrong. She would show me text messages from her best friend telling her being with me was a bad idea. That I was no good. I would never have shown or told her the things my friends said about her, that just nasty. But still i loved her. Eventually the months rolled by and her phone for 2 years always remained face down.  She stopped posting pictures of me and would yell at me everytime i did a snap chat with her in it. Eventually i had had enough and broke up with her again. 2 days later she was back at my door step smiling and saying it didnt feel right to not be with me. And still i loved her. I noticed one night again that she was acting weird and replying at strange times. She told me she was with a friend having a quiet one at home and broke up with me the next day. A few days later i had a friend contact me and tell me she was in another lesbians snap chat having a ball all 3 in bed. How cute. For everyone to see but me to be left in the unknown like a meaningless piece of shit. Ill admit this was my final straw and although i dont feel good about it. I called her a slut and a dog and told her she was dead to me. And now i lie in my bed awake at night thinking of all the times we partied together and she would go strange and distant from me walking meters away from me acting like i wasnt there with her. She was probably entertaining someone else in the room and making it look like we werent together. Or how she would go from fine to instantly looking like i made her the most miserbale person in the world when the girl she cheated on me with was within eye sight. Dickhead Mel. And i followed her around still loving her like a fuckwit. Or the way she would drop me at the flick of a switch if her friends or family mentioned something distasteful about me. I dont know why i held on for so long through all of this. I know i loved her. I even tried to ask if she wanted a threesome from time to time. In the hopes that when she cheated next it wouldnt be so painful. But it wasnt me. I couldnt watch her enjoy herself with someone else. I never thought id ever stretch myself as far as i did to stay with someone ever. The nights i lay happily in her arms while she was probably riddled in her own guilt. It destoryed me thats for sure. My self worth took a beating. I no longer thought i was beautiful or smart or worthy for that matter. If only i could be skinner or richer or have nicer things would she love me more? Its fucking unbareable how much it changes you as a person. I for the first time in my life got bitter. I felt like i had to flaunt myself to show her maybe someone would want me. But she didnt seem to care. I would comment on other girls things and flirt in the hopes she would see and actually fucking care. Its almost like it turned into a competition. I knew it was wrong but i felt so fucking defeated. Another friend sent me screenshots of them flirting obviously she didnt think id ever clue onto that one. I tired to move on with another girl in one of our breakup spells but my heart was always stuck on her. And she kept telling me how disgusting we were and I looked desperate. Said more about her character than anything really. I took a long time to be intimate. I didnt really know how to show love. I liked that she was distant and would let me take baby steps at opening up. The problem was then once i did i had wrapped her up in my vines and held on tightly. Maybe too tightly. I cant bare to watch her move on like i know she will. Or to deal with seeing her in town. Or even to cop the judgement from thoes who are her friends. Ill never heal from her until im away from her all together. Out of sight and i pray out of mind. I feel sorry for whoevers next and i feel sorry for her for never allowing herself to heal from her own past heartbreaks. What do you expect when she cheated on her last partner to be with me. Loyalty? I remember when she was fucking me and her boyfriend was ringing her in town looking for her how she laughed at his name on her phone. Then i realised she did the same thing to me with the other girl. I pray it doesnt consume me forever. Or that i dont turn cold like her and hurt my next lover. It changes you. It really changes you. Probably the biggest lesson in love i have come to face so far. And whats sad it my story is all too familiar. The love letters i wrote when i poured my soul out to her only to find them crumpled in a shoe box. The flowers id buy her only to watch them slowly die on my bedside because she forgot to take them home. The cute posts that sat there without even a like or comment from her. The present i bought her for our one year only to recieve nothing in return. The family events I was never invited too because half her family didnt even know i existed. It made me feel less than a spec of dirt. The countless times i loved her and it was never given back and everyone could see her so carelessly leaving me out to dry. Alone. This probably even resonates within half the people that read this. Its deeply saddening that the word love is used all too easily. That it means only a season for many. I only pray everyone finds some solace within themselves before using up another pure soul to drown their own demons and miseries. And honeslty it feels good to get it out. If even on a blog. To pour my mind out and feel the pain.