#SECOND OF ALL when you are 25 and depressed and trying VERY HARD to have a good relationship with your mother

[a-high-femme]

the fact that I now have a voice recording on my phone of me breaking down crying while trying to sing The Best Day… horrendous

[swatchlings-art]

hey so pharmister.. do you have any more content for that au? any headcanons? how the fuck does pharma end up with them bc? who's bright idea was it to throw him onto the idiot ship? ToT

and also how do they get together? do they get together?? the spinister rizz(tm) is too strong not to work /hj

OHOHOH I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

So, for me pharmister is a ship that exists exclusively for my Pharma's redemption tour AU (which is my own take on a "Pharma lives after the Lost Light finale and now has to deal with the consequences of Everything")

AND MAN DO I HAVE CONTENT FOR THIS AU!!! I have... 72 pages of planning for it, and only 2 chapters fully written (out of 25 so far!) unfortunately most of it is all a WIP haha...

BUT get ready for me to babble AT LENGTH about it here lol

>how the fuck does Pharma end with the scavengers?

In my AU, Pharma wakes up from being braindead a few years after the finale and then gets a proper trial for his crimes, but instead of being sent to death row he's given the opportunity to Reintegrate Into Society after doing what's basically community service. He loses his medical license for obvious reasons, so he gets sent to do his service with The Peace Corps (which... are the Scavengers after being given a purpose in this New Cybertron).

>Who's bright idea was to throw him onto the idiot ship?

this is actually one of my favorite details for my au lol SO the only reason Pharma gets this second chance at life is because Minimus, in honor of Megatron, has formed a Restorative Justice Program for war criminals on both sides of the war. And part of that program is doing this type of Community Service instead of getting the death penalty or infinite prison time. His program is controversial among the populace and very new and experimental, but he's trying his best to make it work. He selected the Peace Corps for Pharma because the Scavengers are actually a glowing example that his program works so far and he thought putting him under their care would help Pharma have an easier time adapting to his new life (wildly unaware that it'd be psychological torture to surround Pharma with decepticons he loathes).

AS FOR HOW PHARMISTER WORKS HERE!!!

>Any headcanons? how do they get together? DO they get together?

yes I have SO many headcanons. The most important of them all is that Spinister saw Pharma for the first time and went "Wow, he's hot!" and only continued to be down bad for him from there (at first having an extremely shallow crush on the former medic, until [Plot Point] happens and he forms Genuine Tender Feelings for him).

Pharma as he exists in my AU is going through a full blown depression, and is having a really hard time accepting that he'll never be a medic ever again, and also he's paranoid as HELL thinking everyone and anything is out to get him. Ah, the wonders of trauma!

And it takes a bit of development for him to start trusting any of the scavengers at all, but the one that is easier to trust is Spinister. Mostly because he's completely honest about everything he has an opinion on. He's extremely blunt! The type of guy that blurts the first thought that forms in his processor without thinking about it first! He's too dumb to make a convincing lie or keep up a charade!

And also, Spinister's very obvious crush on Pharma is oddly reassuring and annoying for him at the same time. He has complicated feelings about being loved as he is! He hates it! But Spinister is just happy to be around Pharma because he likes him without judgements. Spinister has decepticon standards when it comes to love! Whatever fucked up things Pharma has done are Tame for him, hell, he also harvested organs at some point (It's like they're meant to be ♡ <- this comment would get him slapped).

I feel like fully revealing my hand as to if and how they get together would be spoiling that part of my AU. but what the hell!!! I don't get many opportunities to talk about it.

Anyway YES they get together but at first Pharma uses him to try and fill the void inside him (Spinister is more than happy to go along with it), and only later on does Pharma start to appreciate and become deeply fond of Spinister (because if anything, he CAN trust him to be on his side and he even starts to admire that Spinister is just... very at peace with himself despite his perceived flaws. That's enviable somehow).

ANYWAY!

Hope that was a satisfying answer to your question!!! I cannot fully express how grateful I am that someone else wants to know more about my AU and my beloved crackship I accidentally created ♡♡♡ so thanks for asking!

[blackheart1454]

We own you (Yandere!Creepypasta x Abused!Depressed Reader) Chapter 1

Warnings!: Abuse, violence.

Minors get the fuck out of here! 🔞+

Hello everyone! This is my first Creepypasta x Reader fanfic, I hope everyone enjoy it! I must apologize if the fanfic have grammar and spelling mistakes, english isn't my native language, but I'm trying very hard! 

Thanks and enjoy the story

Chapter 2

I was panting heavily, feeling the blood staining every part of my body. I was chained against the wall. Naked, cover in boiling water burns, cuts, cigarette burns and bruises. Why I am here? Let me tell you my history. I used to be a happy girl with a normal life. I had two lovely parents, that were worry about me and always made sure that I had everything I need. My mom was a nurse and my father a journalist. I barely remember my mother, she was always busy at the hospital, she worked the whole day, and when she didn’t, she came home pretty late and, in that circumstance, my father was my best friend. He used to look after me, he used to take me to school, he used to listen to my problems… he used to love me.

One day, my mother got terrible sick, and my father did everything to cure her, to find a treatment… but as time passed, my mother’s illness became increasingly worse. She died one Friday at 12:00 am. From that day, dad started to act weird. He started to avoid me in every way, like I never exist. I never see him until night, but he was passed away on the coach with a smell of alcohol. That routine continued for 2 months. I knew he was having a hard time by dealing with mom’s death, I was waiting for him to recover, to return to the lovely father I knew, but I was wrong. So wrong.

Who knew that my life would become a nightmare overnight? First the insults began, then the beatings, finally the torture. I never knew what I did for deserve this, the only thing I was sure, he was always blaming me for mom’s death. I had to deal with the pain every second. There were days that I was bruised so bad that I hardly had the strength to stay awake. I never told anyone about this, he treated to kill me if I did… because of that I never had friends.

“Well, well, well, look what we have here.”

I was so focus on my thoughts that I didn’t notice the man entered to the room.

“Did you sleep well you little shit?” he whispered in my ear.

“Y-yes..” I said. I could barely talk, my throat hurt from screaming and I hadn’t drink water in days.

“Yes, what? And look at me while I’m talking to you!” he pulled my hair to face him clearly annoyed.

“Y-yes.. s-sir” I replayed softly.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” he shouted angrily.

“YES SIR!”

“That’s better” he said pleased while unlocking the chains. “Get dress, you have 5 minutes and don’t keep me waiting.”

“Yes sir!” I said, and immediately ran to my room. I open the closet to put the first things that I found. I was kidding, I didn’t have a closet. I didn’t have furniture at all. That man sold most of the things of my room to buy alcohol and cigarettes. The only thing I had was an old futon that I used as bed and my cloths that were throw to the floor. Most of the were rip apart by the man when he was in bad mood. I only have simple t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies and jeans. I picked up (f/c) sweater, a (f/c) t-shirt, black ripped jeans and black combat boot. I took my bag pack and ran out of the house. My father was already waiting in his black car, with hesitation I approached it. Lucky for me, he didn’t say anything and started the car. It took around 25 minutes to arrive to school, the ride was uncomfortably silent. It was the same routine every fucking day. Waking up, dress up, go to the hellhole which is call school, return to home, eat a half bread, do the homework and the beating sections. I got out of the car and enter the building.

“Hey look the freak is here.”

“What a slut.”

“She looks like a mummy with all that bandages on.”

“Emo freak.”

“Why the hell is she still coming here?”

Same day, same routine, same idiots who don’t have anything better to do, it didn’t matter anyways. Since my father started to abusive me, nobody approached me because of the horrible bruises I have and they got me nicknames like the “emo freak”. Just keep going (Y/N), and let the idiots be idiots. I entered to the classroom, that was empty and wait for the teacher. I put on my headphones and listen to (f/s) while sketching on my math’s notebook.  Little by little, it was filling up the people. A little later the school’s bell rings, the teacher followed by enter the room.

“Good morning everyone” the teacher said.

“Good morning” everybody replied, except me.

“You have a pop quiz, so take out your pencils and keep everything away.”

Everybody complained and the teacher just ignore them. Lucky for me I have nice grades on (f/s). While doing the quiz, I couldn’t help but notice that there was something or better… someone watching me outside. I looked thought the window and saw what it looks like a monochromatic clown, and he had an evil smirk on his face.

“Miss (l/n) is there something wrong?” the teacher interrupted me.

“Eh… w-what?”

“I asked if there is something wrong?” the woman said annoyed.

“Eeehh… n-nothing miss” I murmured.

“The hurry up! You only have 20 minutes to complete the quiz!” she said while the others start to complain again.

I looked thought the window again, only to notice that the creepy clown was gone. What the hell was that?

??? P.O.V

-Soon. Very soon, just wait dear (Y/N), we will come for you. We will end your pain, you will be happy with us, you will love us…. Because you don’t have choice.-

----------

This fanfic is also published on Wattpad, Quotev and Archive of Our Own, my user name is the same.

Please consider supporting on my Ko-fi account.

[y0d00p]

Lad!!!! for 2, 20, 21, 25, 26

Computers don’t eat so I assume human lad for 25+26

describe your character's voice. do they have a voice claim?

Green Lad: mid toned but expressive, upbeat and friendly, can get kind of cracked and manic when in distress? English dub Korosensei, Yes Man Fallout NV. All BR robots have built in singing voices and Green Lad's is Django Django

Red Lad: Deep, motononous, sometimes kind of oppressive and annoyed sounding but can go very gentle. Either sounds very depressed or like he's judging you. His singing voice is here. He does not use it. Unfortunately I don't have any examples for talking voice but you can probably infer it from the singing voice

This is the same for human Lad and I don't know how his voice changed so much in his mid 30s. mental illness crisis gave him second puberty I guess

a nostalgic memory from your OC’s childhood?

ehh this is hard, coffee droid is I guess child Lad but his intelligence was so basic for a lot of that that I don't think he'd feel much nostalgia for it, by the time he started forming fully fledged memories he was like instantly an adult

getting put into the factory is probably his most precious "early memory" but he was absolutely not a child when that happened so idk lol

as for human Lad... maybe seeing Ura8 and Ura9 for the first time (as newborns, and he was like, 12 or something)

hobbies your OC enjoys?

genuinely he loves building shit so much lol, like building BR products is probably his favourite thing to do. he generally wouldn't of his own volition, but if you gave him the means to and convinced him to try like scale models or legos or something he would enjoy it. only with instructions though, don't expect him to be creative lmao. other than that, he likes cleaning/tidying lol. human Lad is about the same with addition of reading (nonfiction and hard sci-fi)

favorite food and color for your OC?

vegetable stir fry with rice. and green

least favorite food and color?

deep fried food, most chocolate desserts. and probably purple and pink?

[onlygenxhere]

 20 questions writer meme!

Tagged by @jmrothwell, Thanks!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 38

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 382,342

3. What fandoms do you write for? Julie and the Phantoms and one lone Teen Wolf

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Falling Toward the Future – The monster college au that I based a lot on my own college experiences.

The next four (actually 6) are all part of the Found Family Fluff Series. Basically my take on things that might have happened after the Orpheum and the most family friendly of everything I've written.

Burn Baby Burn – The sixth fic in the series. Julie and Luke making out in a hammock

A Bigger Table – The second in the FFF series. Ray buys a bigger dining room table so the guys can join them at meal times even though they can’t eat.  

Eat the Chips – My very first Julie and the Phantoms fic and the first in this series. Julie and Luke can touch now but for some reason Luke has been avoiding touching her.

Not Today Satan – My first Willex piece and the third in the series. Alex and Willie hanging out in the studio catching up on music from the last 25 years when Julie comes in and they discover some new ghost powers.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes, always. Sometimes it’s just a .gif but I always reply with something.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I feel like this should just say what’s your angstiest fic cause like most, I like to end on a happy note, or at least with hope. Even though they both end either happy or hopeful I feel like As Long As We Have Each Other and What if I’m Someone I Don’t Want Around are the most angst filled. Both are pretty depressing.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? They all have a happy ending (technically the smut has the happiest endings) but maybe We’re Having a Baby part 4. Julie and Luke have a baby. (I know you’re shocked from that title)  

8. Do you get hate on fics? – Not really. Had a few 'I’m not sure I like what you did there'. But nothing mean. I’m pretty sure I would have a couple years ago based on what I’ve heard.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, not sure what this means by what kind. I’m going to assume it means ships. It’s all been Juke until recently when I did my first peterpatterlina. There're four outtakes from Falling Toward the Future that are Explicit as well as Maybe I Could be Yours (Royalty AU) and a series of fics in the Naughty Files.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I have not done a crossover (only AUs) but I’ve had a couple floating around in my head but not enough to actually write down.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? No

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but I think it’d be fun.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? Juke (shocking) But I will actively seek out Rarrie and Peterpatterlina. And I love Willex (Willex Wednesday!) and pretty much all of them to varying degrees.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? Never say never. If I’ve written words on something it’s always possible I’ll finish it.

16. What are your writing strengths? This is a hard question to answer because it’s all a matter of opinion and writers are our own worse critics. Maybe dialogue.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Sometimes I think I can get too focused on movement. Like making sure the reader knows how everyone is moving as they speak. It’s not always important and I can get bogged down in it sometimes.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? Just terms of endearment otherwise I try to avoid it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Technically it would be Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure even though it never went up on the web in any way. I’ve written The Hardy Boyz (wwe) and Buffy, Willow and Oz. All of them many, MANY years ago.

20. Favorite fic you've written? This is like picking a favorite child. Looking through them all though I am very fond of Happy Birthday Ray which was the first sequel one-shot I wrote to Falling Toward the Future. I gave him my own birthday and published it ON my birthday.

Tagging @preoccupied-educator, @missjoolee, @60sec400, and @1mnobodywhoareyou  and anyone else that wants to share.

[dizzymuses]

🌦   «  han so hee.  cis woman.  she/her.  30.  »  was  that  NARI  SHIN  walking  through  the  doors  of  amorelux  ?  i  heard  they  just  moved  in  to  apartment  502  from  OTTAWA  and  work  as  a/an  tattoo artist.  they  seem  daring  &  adaptable but  don’t  get  on  their  bad  side  !  they  can  be  evasive &  callous  which  makes  sense  since  they’re  a  SAGITTARIUS.  you  know  they’re  home  when  you  see  a  flash  of  nimble fingers detangling unbrushed hair, books carelessly scattered but never in a bookshelf, a permanently ignored notification for unread messages, memories hung up in frames. 

hello, my loves !!  i’m daisy, she/her, 25 and from the CET timezones which is sort of sucky most of the time when it comes to rp rip. i just started a full time intership so i’m a little bit busy these days but i should be around in the evenings and weekends for the most part. anyway, finally i can introduce u to my daughter nari, who is a brand new baby and still very much a work in progress but i hope you’ll love her nonetheless !  i would be delighted to plot w y’alls undoubtedly v sexc muses so if you’d like to do this pls react to this w a like ! 

basics.

name: shin nari. 

nicknames:  idk u could make smth up ig.

gender:  cis woman

pronouns:  she/her.

age:  30.

date of birth: december 17th 1991.

place of birth: busan, sk.

hometown: ottawa, canada.

nationality:  canadian

ethnicity: korean.

education:  high school degree.

occupation: tattoo artist, studio owner.

orientation:  bisexual, biromantic.

about. (tw: depression mention)

nari was born the second of what should end up being three shin siblings, in busan. they were what you might call the perfect family, her dad being a pediatric surgeon and her mom a nurse working at the same hospital as he did. they were also a very traditional family, so while nari’s mother would often take care of them and things around the house, her father would usually come home late. he would walk up to her mother’s seat on the table, put his arms around her and kiss her on the cheek before sitting down and asking everybody about their days. in nari’s memory he’d always looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders, endlessly tired but also truly heroic. her mother would always tell them that dad couldn’t be around much because he was saving other children’s lives and how he was making sure other mom’s wouldn’t have to miss their babies. so truly, how could nari view him as anything but that: a perfect hero. 

she often asked him for stories of his work, listening with wide eyes as he’d speak on the different children and their issues. he was good at explaining things, even as a six year old she could understand just about everything. most of all she understood one thing, it’s important to help others, especially those weaker than yourself. and just like that, she became obsessed with taking care of others. while her older sister was technically two years her senior, it would still be nari kicking the boy who had pulled one of her braids hard enough to make her cry. she’d also take care of her little brother, trying to help him with his homework and reading stories to him every night. in many ways she tried her best to be a hero to others, just how she knew her father was. 

of course things would have to take a turn for the worse at some point though and for nari that turn came when she was twelve. after scoring a perfect a on one of her maths tests, she was so proud, she wanted to show her father straight away and so she left the bus at the clinic, knowing her father was currently working. however, wandering around the department, she couldn’t find him anywhere and the nurses didn’t know where he went either. disappointed, she was just about to leave, when she saw her father through the creak of an almost fully closed door. walking closer, she took a careful look inside, unsure about the noises escaping the room. when she saw the half-dressed woman with her arms around her dad’s broad shoulders, they suddenly looked a whole lot less like the dependable shoulders of a hero. stepping back, she almost couldn’t believe what she had seen. 

not knowing what to do, certain she’d destroy her entire family’s lives if she spoke about this big secret, nari didn’t say anything. she didn’t say anything for another three months, though her mother was wondering why nari suddenly didn’t seem as eager to spend time with her father anymore. but who would want to spend time with someone like him, why had she ever wanted to be like that man. it took those three months until her mother found out herself. a scenario that looking back had always been likely, considering they worked at the same hospita. nari’s mother found out and nari found out when only days later her mother told her and her siblings that they were going to spend some time at their grandparent’s without dad. her grandparents that had moved to canada a long time ago, therefore being little more than strangers to her and her siblings. there were tears in her mother’s eyes, she clearly didn’t want to tell her children about their father’s ill behavior but nari knew and she knew her mom knew now as well. 

things were not the same afterwards, not only was their entire family uprooted and relocated into another country, their family wasn’t the same either. their move to canada meant her mother started working in her grandparent’s little korean restaurant, which soon became somewhat of a homebase to nari herself, who would spend most of her afternoon’s there doing homework and drawing endless little doodles into her notes. maybe it was a silent show of support, considering the fact that due to her mother’s relucatance to tell the children, her siblings still didn’t know why they had moved without their dad. with every month that passed, every indicator that their stay was going to be a permanent one, her siblings grew more and more upset with their mother. while nari didn’t understand why her mother would choose to protect her father like this, she kept her mouth shut. she figured her grandparents would have to know about this, figured three adults should be able to make a sensible decision about this. 

however, as the years passed, nothing about this solution seemed to work out well. they were struggling. the restaurant clearly wasn’t able to really support the lives of six people but her mother had fallen into depression, making it hard for her to take on any other job. they were making ends meet but very barely and neither nari nor her siblings were used to it. tensions were building at an almost daily level, with her siblings, especially her older sister, raining down their frustrations onto her mother while nari would fight her tooth and nails to defend her. her mother might not be perfect, these days it often felt like she wasn’t even really truly there, but the fault for all their misery clearly was her father’s and his alone. one day, the fighting got so bad she just yelled it out. yelled out that their father was a rotten bastard who had cheated on their mother. silence followed her words and only as she looked up she saw her mother had walked into the kitchen, looking at nari in disbelieve. apparently she still hadn’t put it together. hadn’t known nari was aware of what had happened all along. 

following all this, none of them ever got as close again as they had been before. her elder sister resented nari and her mother for not telling them earlier, her mother was a ghost of who she had once been and nari? she distanced herself a lot from her family, realizing the weight this entire situation had put on her ever since she had seen the awful scene. the only one she was still genuinely close to was her younger brother, whom she shared her anger about her father with. now in the second half of her teens, she mostly spent her time with friends from school, hanging around in skater parks or breaking into public pools at night. quickly she realized she liked those things that made her heart beat faster and her mind forget about just about anything else. on the other hand, she spent even more of her time drawing, having long since realized it was the only thing she truly wanted to do. she was doing pretty good at school and maybe, just maybe if her life had been different she could have gone on to become an art student.

instead, fresh out of college she started as an apprentice at a tattoo parlor. this plan had arisen after, in a drunken bout of horrible ideas, nari had once tattooed a couple of her friends and it had come out halfway decent considering her drunken state and the bad equipment. she had liked this, leaving her art on somebody else’s body. one of her friends also had a cousin, who had a friend, who was a tattoo artist and so she started her apprenticeship at the parlor that friend worked at. not too long after she got her license, finally getting to fully move out and get her own apartment. while she felt a bit bad about leaving her struggling mother behind, she knew in the end there was nothing more she could do for her. if her mom was to become better, she’d have to want that herself. not long after she moved out, her younger brother basically moved into her place. it was about the time that he graduated high school, which nari heavily supported him in. she knew he had an interest in studying and so she pushed him to try his best and even ended up paying most of his tuition out of her pocket. 

meanwhile, over the years, nari became better and better at what she was doing at her job. she had a decent following on social media as well, admiring her work and soon people would travel across the country to get tattooed by her. alongside that came more artistic freedom, as she started denying certain design requests and instead introducing more of her own ideas to clients. at 28 she had saved enough money to open up her first own parlor, which was a hit right from the start, considering the reputation she had build for herself. by now, she was a household name in the scene, known mostly for her creative designs and shading abilities. now she only tattooed her own designs onto other people’s bodies, taking rough suggestions but mostly demanding her artistic freedom. as an artist, this felt like her final step towards freedom after years and years of tattooing butterflies and inspirational quotes. she could finally do her own thing, finally truly be an artist in her own right. only just now, nari moved to seattle to open her second parlor, this time in the us. she doesn’t quite know why she went here to take care of this herself, but on the other hand she had never been one to turn down an adventure. 

tl;dr (bc lord knows this turned out way too long) 

nari was born in south korea, she is the middle child of three. her family seemed all perfect and what not until nari caught her dad cheating, followed by her mother finding out as well not too soon after. not wanting to tell her children but determined to leave her husband behind, nari’s mother moved them to their grandparents in canada. after that her mom became somewhat depressed and they were struggling financially as well. her sibling were very mad at their mom, while nari tried to be by her side. one day she tells the others and they all further distance themselves from one another, aside from nari and her little brother. after school nari took on an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist (bc she once drunkenly tattoed her friends and it wasn’t half bad) and now she is a worldwide known name in the field. she is opening her second parlor in seattle now, which is why she moved here. 

this got way too long and now i just wanna go sleep but like i’ll try to proof read etc as well as write some wc and whatnot tomorrow or so. ill also put out a plotting call then but u can react to this as well. mwuah !! <3  i hope it is a halfway decent read hskjdf

[nopesirthatisillegal]

My first attempt at writing anything about anything really

I find it hard to believe that my life has been abuse- my social life, nonexistent. Maybe its all from what's been drilled into me for so long- that they're only like this "because they love me" or "its for my own good".

It's currently 1:49 a.m. on March 1st, 2023. This is the first time I've had the "courage" to write anything, in the light of a little lamp in the shape of a moon.

Its hard to believe that I've become so numb inside - that the depression has come this far in me- the fact that i can't even cry- the fact that I am so ruined inside that life means almost nothing to me. If someone was to pun a gun to my head right now, the only problem I would have with it is the fact that I would leave the only person I truly love alone.

Those that i talk to tell me that my life has been abuse- not physical- although the threat was always there- but mental and emotional. I learned to keep my emotions hidden young- that meaning I got viciously yelled at when I cried when being lectured or spanked.

They tell me "you can trust us" and that I can tell them anything, but how can I do that when all they show me is how little they trust me over and over again, until I became afraid to speak of what I love on front of them for fear that that would be the next thing taken from me. I know now that they never meant it when they said that I could earn back their trust.

Recently I've become a very nervous person- or at least noticed it- especially at restaurants. I wanted to write this down in case I forget. We were waiting for a table in this very crowded Plaza Azteca (a mexican restaurant) last Saturday night, and so I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, and I had brought in my drawing notebook to try to distract myself, not that it worked, when my father starts trying to be funny and tells me that i should draw one of the painting on the wall- I very politely told him not, i would not and continued drawing what I was drawing until my hands started to shake so badly that i was forced to stop.

My father then makes a second comment on how I should draw this painting (it was a very detailed face btw) and so I very clearly (but politely) told him no, so he got mad (he's not used to being denied) and started questioning me on why. I told him that: 1.) I did not have the time and 2.) I did not have the skill and 3.) i did not want to. After that I don't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember straight up saying "I have anxiety (which isn't like officially diagnosed but still there) and its really bad right now", and him responding with "don't give me that attitude" when I am about to start hyperventilating because there's around 20 very loud people in an area no bigger than 25 feet by 25 feet.

I also have a memory of my parents yelling at Zak (my older brother by 8 years) that depression was a sin when he had just trusted them enough to tell them, although I can't be 100% sure it actually happened, I remember it. It's now 2:53 a.m., and all I want is to not be me.

I don't trust people easily, but for those I do I would do almost anything for them not to feel like I do. But those who break that trust- I can never give it back. I might "forgive", but i can never forget, and I am ruthless in this numbness, only feeling the desire to punch- to hurt those who hurt me and Amy. I often wonder what- or who- the real monsters are- and if I am one of them.

But its 3:05 a.m., and I am out of space, so I guess its time to sleep

[changelingbaby]

OCs? 👀 i typically dont send these in cuz it's too much reading for me so I'll give you random ones! 3 7 25 28 31 35 41 A D E H gimme the deets!!!!

OH my god okay. i dont know who to do this for so i'll just do it for nate because he's (kind of) the protagonist (under read more)

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

nate has adhd so he either stays up really late without realizing and crashes or he tries to go to bed at a reasonable hour and lays awake staring at the ceiling Thinking for three hours before he crashes. i imagine he tries to listen to podcasts like The Daily so he can be informed but it's so goddamn boring for him and he tires himself out trying to focus

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

i think he has a huge amount of nostalgia for the simple pleasures of childhood and he actively tries to trigger it so like. getting an ice cream cone and walking by the creek. bringing frozen peas to the duck pond. that kind of thing. he and his mom are very close but unfortunately she's a nurse and has to work a lot/at odd hours so while he associates these things from childhood with her he doesn't get to do them with her now a lot :(

25. What are their thoughts on marriage? 

he is a hopeless romantic and also a hopeless queer who fully recognizes the capricious and tentative state of marriage rights for many people/groups and so he absolutely wants to get married one day so that he and his spouse have like. rights. but also he wants the most fairy tale wedding of all time

28.  Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

uhh. hmm. no? no. but he'd have to think about it. ultimately he always wants the truth. also the start of the book is his best friend dying in a car crash (that he is also in) and no one believing him that she's still alive (they never find a body) and everyone thinks he is choosing a pretty lie over an ugly truth but in fact he is right!! so. it's a complicated question is my point.

31.  Who are they the most glad to have met? 

oh god uh. i mean all of their friends. girl #1 (her name Will begin with an A i just haven't decided yet) is his best friend. jude is his second best friend as in they met each other second. and girl #2 is also his best friend (but they met last). i think he would have to default to A just because his life would be drastically different if they had never met. but he would never really choose.

35. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 

SOOOOOO excited this boy is an anti-negativity FREAK he LOVES getting hyped about things he's never even heard of before. i mean when he met jude and jude mentioned he wanted to play DnD nate immediately was like A and i will campaign with you we'll try anything once. he is truly just a life enjoyer he does not believe in cringe or mockery or 'friendly' teasing

41. How do they feel about children? 

he is. 16. and he has no idea. like, he likes them, but does he want them? he has no fucking idea. maybe! he also doesn't know what he wants to do when he grows up and since he's good with kids he wonders about maybe going into teaching or something but. working with kids is so depressing and he doesn't know if he could do it lol.

A) Why are you excited about this character?

uh you know how people talk about taking ray-of-sunshine characters and grinding them into dust? yeah that's me about nate. i love him. and i'm going to make him suffer. so bad. but he is absolutely a "i fucking earned my happiness" character so he goes through this entire epic hard journey just to prove everyone wrong and save his friend and earn his smile back because something TERRIBLE happens to him and he refuses to be beat down.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

i don't always have clear ideas of how my characters look but uh well. he is a dark haired green eyed boy w light pale skin and that has not changed since the very moment of his inception. (jude, on the other hand.)

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

oh god nate is too good for me. i mean yes i would absolutely get along with him and he'd get along with me for a while, but i just know i would eventually be too mean and he'd be. so disappointed in me. ╥﹏╥

H) What trait do you admire most?

his endless fucking optimism!!!! and perseverance!!!! he does not ever take 'no' for an answer and he refuses to let his mental health get him down. he always prioritizes his and his friends' health over any outside forces like grades and college apps and parental pressure and, you know, the crushing weight of being alive, and social media et cetera. he's not a toxic-positivity person, he will absolutely let himself grieve and feel negative emotions, but he is a King at understanding emotional balance and taking care of himself/his friends/his family.

thank you for sending these in this was so fun!! excellent character exploration <3

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1988 I just finished watching Unsolved Mysteries. It was ok, but I’ve seen better shows of theirs.

Earlier I worked as the office manager at Channel 57 for the second time. It’s very boring and tedious but it’s something to do. It’s a very easy job though I had feared before it would be difficult. There isn’t much that’s too hard for me. If you can learn to play a musical instrument and all the other things I’ve learned, then you can learn anything, although I hate anything dealing with numbers.

There are still times I wish I were straight and could have sex with a guy and enjoy it and be attracted to a guy as I am to women, but they’re such assholes. But then again, male or female, that is all I ever get anyway.

I’m taking a chance nonetheless. I sent Between Friends $70, but if I’m not attracted to any of these 3 women or they’re jerks or they’re decent and I lose them, then I think I’d be damn entitled to my money back. I guess if that happens, you renew your membership. Like hell I will. For $295? No way!

I’ve been taking only 5mg of Navane and I’ve been basically ok. Only a couple of bad times, but they passed; those racing thoughts that make me depressed.

Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere for Chanukah or my b-day. Tammy and I got into another squabble as usual and she hasn’t called. But I won’t be surprised if she does. It’s like Andy said to me, “You know you’re gonna make up with her.” No doubt she’ll call at the last minute. Actually, though, I’m really kind of hoping she’ll stay pissed and not call. I don’t think I want to go down there. Besides, I despise the fact of having Nerve drive me down and totally dread it.

The bus ticket price coming back is crazy and I also feel I’d like to celebrate alone. Once again I get that feeling of pride at not turning to anyone on my b-day. I’m really doing great at sheltering myself and keeping independent.

Andy or Nervous should be calling any minute now I guess.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1988 I woke up this morning feeling miserable so I called my allergy doctor. Next Wed. at 10:00 I see him.

Thank God Nervous woke me up. He tried at 10:00 but obviously, I never heard the phone. When he called back at 11:30, I was exhausted. If I sleep too much I feel tired.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1988 I got back an hour or so ago from Longmeadow where we had dinner. It was nice, except for the fact that half the meal exploded on the stove, cuz as we’ve learned, you never put glass on a stove. But she did, so we had a hell of a mess. Also, Becky broke a plate. We took pictures of both of these episodes for Mom. She’ll love it.

When Tammy came to pick me up we went to Store 24 so I could get ciggies and a lighter and she said she saw Nervous. Probably spying. He did call last night and it looks like I am stuck with him going to Salem.

I just called Ma and said we’re so glad she’s 1400 miles away. We’re sending her pictures.

Tammy says my singing’s not the worse but it’s not the best. That’s good enough for me.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1988 Well, they say it gets worse before it gets better. Today I had a miserable day, but I stuck to only 5mg instead of 10mg of Navane. I feel very much better than I have since I cut down. It was miserable as the doctor said it would be. I was very dizzy all the time and my mind was racing and I was anxious as all hell, but it’s gone now. The question is for how long, though? Tammy agreed I just needed to adjust. Still seems always to be worse before my period which I should be getting any day now. I’ve been cramping like hell.

Al was supposed to call me again tonight and he hasn’t yet and I have come to hope he won’t.

Andy never called last night like he said he would and Nervous didn’t either and probably won’t tonight either.

Speaking of Andy, he’s on the phone with me now. He may be coming over later.

Nervous probably won’t call til after my birthday cuz of the nasty things I’ve said. He’ll try to avoid giving me a ride cuz it’s for Chanukah and my birthday and he’ll never get me a gift. That’s how obsessive males are. They always figure they’re owed something in return.

I haven’t shit in a week and I don’t know why. I’ve taken my Medimucal and have eaten a lot. The Navane causes that and the doctor says once you cut down or stop, the side effects get worse before they get better, so I’ll have to suffer for a while longer. Probably won’t shit for another week or two.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1988 I got up at 7:15 after having some very unpleasant dreams.

Sure enough, there was a message on my machine from Andy. I think I remember hearing it when he called, but I was just too damn tired, and I figured that once I was fully awake after talking with him, I’d never go back to sleep.

I had woken up at 1:00 to go pee and get some cookies and something to drink and the cat was so funny. She came over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table and squinted up at me through half-closed eyes. You could see she had definitely been sound asleep and wasn’t used to the bright lights yet, but as soon as I get up, she does too. Every morning it’s the same routine. I get up, go into the bathroom, close the door and she waits outside the door and meows. When I come out, she follows me into the kitchen where she demands to be petted and loved and then I feed her. After that it’s playtime. I have the same routine for waking up in the morning. Coffee, then music.

I also woke up last night at 3:00 to smoke maybe 6 drags off a cigarette, then again at 4:30.

Later…

Today’s the day I go for my interview at the school department on State St. I hope they need me full-time cuz I’m gonna have some free time till I move.

Later, I’ve got to call Mansfield about my written exam and the temporary permit I was supposed to have received in the mail a long time ago. I thought the director was supposed to get back to me, but she hasn’t yet.

December 3rd is gonna be one miserable day with having to put up with the mouth and crazy driving.

I want to hurry up and move so badly. Tammy says she highly doubts I’ll be here when the summer comes, but who knows? I didn’t think I’d still be here now.

I hope this court case gets dropped if I don’t drop it myself by not showing up. Everyone says it’ll get dropped and that they just want to waste my time. That’s males for you. My lawyer’s an asshole. A typical male for sure. I’m glad I’m gay. I really am. It may be hard to find a woman who’s gay, let alone a good one, but 98% of males are jerks. Statistics say so many wives and girlfriends get abused by their boyfriends or husbands.

Al dumped me simply cuz I wasn’t good enough for him, cuz of my past and cuz he couldn’t get it in there. He was very negative and there was always something wrong with me. He can have a happy life, cuz he’ll never get a decent woman, nor is he capable of loving anyone.

Later…

I’m gonna be volunteering at one of the schools doing library assisting, Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Also, if they need me to speak sign language or Spanish, they’ll let me know. She also said sometimes for the holidays they need singers.

I called Al before I left and told him how I feel. All I want to do is make him happy and be happy as well. I want him to give me a chance to show I care and want him to try to care for me. I know what I did wrong back then and would never repeat my mistakes. I realize I may have had some problems, but he ran away as if he didn’t care. I didn’t mean to scare him away, but I just wish he’d open up and be more encouraging, not so negative. I would never hurt him. I just want to spend the night in his arms with good things to talk about. I want to feel cared for and I want to care for him. I know he’d never marry and have kids with me, and I accept that. He says he’s gonna call me later. If he does, he’ll never come over.

Later…

I just got Gloria’s album Otro Vez and I can’t believe how much I understand. The picture of her on the back cover looks pitiful. She had short hair, seemed plump and looked like Liza Manelli. There was this other girl too, but Gloria looked awful. They’re supposed to send me the other one called Rio soon. They’re temporarily out of stock of it. I owe them $10 for this album and tomorrow or Friday I’ve got to go to get the two 12” records I ordered.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1988 Today at 3:00, I have to see Dr. Osborne. That sucks.

Tomorrow I go for an interview at the school dept. I wonder what they will need me to do.

I just called Elizabeth who says she’s gonna have some photocopying but isn’t sure when she’ll have the stuff ready but will call me today or tomorrow to let me know for sure. Probably Wednesday.

Last night I called Tammy and even sang for her a little on the phone. I told her I wanted a music book for my birthday. Either Canciones De Mi Padre or Madonna. Hope she gets it.

I still don’t know what to get my family and friends but I don’t think I’m gonna shop till next month. Around December 1st I’ll start my gift shopping.

Later…

I just called Tammy and told her that Philip can’t bring me down to her place on December 3rd cuz he’s going to Mexico. If not, I’ll be on the bus.

Tammy said, “Just use Nervous. It’ll be only for an hour and a half. “

No way, I told her. He’s too pushy, never shuts up, drives like a maniac and I just don’t trust his car.

Tammy said she’ll get back to me.

Nervous says he’s gonna get me a keyboard but I doubt it, and if he does, he better not expect me to kiss his ass cuz things aren’t gonna change.

Oh God, what’s he gonna do when I move? He’ll just die. I’ll give him my address and number but I really don’t want to see him. I will, however, talk to him on the phone. Why not? He’ll be paying and he’s more tolerable on the phone than in person. If I ever let him see me inside my apartment or in the neighborhood, he’ll no doubt be awfully curious and will probably spy. I hope he does. The thought amuses me.

Later…

I called for bus fare info just in case and the prices are outrageous. $20 one-way and $38 round-trip. Ridiculous. I’ll get down there somehow.

In 20 minutes or so I’ve got to catch the bus downtown, then transfer to the Feeding Hills bus. What sucks is that I’m gonna have to wait for a half-hour for the doctor and then 40-45 minutes for the bus afterward.

Later…

I am now at Osborne’s waiting to see the “Wizard of Oz.” I think I just saw Debbie, the little jerk.

When I got off the bus I went to Dunkin Donuts cuz I knew I had time to kill and I’ll have plenty of it to kill after I see Oz, too. Before I got on the Feeding Hills bus I went into Johnson’s and bought more journals. A big one and a little one. The prettiest one of all has no lines.

It’s about 3:00 now and I hope he’s not late as all doctors are. But then again it really doesn’t matter cuz the next bus isn’t till 4:00. After I see him I’ll be damned if I’ll wait outside. It’s too windy. I’ll wait in here.

I’ve been thinking about moving a lot lately. Yes, I really do want to move. And fast. But it’ll no doubt take several more months.

Later…

I just saw Ozzy and now I’m waiting for the bus. He’s a really nice guy. He says I’ve come a long way and have been through a lot. He agrees I am a survivor and can handle anything. He also says I definitely must stop the Navane. He understands it’ll be difficult but that it’s important to reverse the tardive dyskinesia. He gave me some tea which I’ll finish now, then go to the bus stop.

Later…

I am home now and I just ate 3 pieces of chicken, some rice and some green beans. Next, I’ll take my meds and my vitamins.

Some crazy wacko was running her mouth at the bus stop about the shelter she’s living in and the job she wants. Some people are weird. Reminds me of Nervo.

Wednesday I can’t forget to watch my show Unsolved Mysteries. I missed it last week.

I wonder when the people’s daughter, son and grandson upstairs are gonna move out. Their footsteps are obnoxious. Drunkie downstairs would just love it.

This morning, shortly before 8:30 I heard the bitch next door go out for work and I called her to make her run back inside, then hung up. She probably thinks she just got to the phone too late and will be wondering all day who it could’ve been.

Well, tonight is when Ma calls so I’ll postpone my shower till after she calls. Tammy has to get back to me, too.

Later…

The phone rang, I picked it up and said, “Hi ma.”

The reply was, “Wrong. It’s Elizabeth.” She was laughing and said she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She says she’s got no work for me this week but next Tues. she thinks she does.

I also told her I was apprehensive about being the office manager but says she’ll hang around at first till I get the hang of it. Also, Cheryl will be there. She said they’ll make sure I know what to do and that I’m enjoying it or else I can do something else. I told her that I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and that once I get started it’ll be easy.

I just remembered Andy’s calling tonight too, along with Nervous, as usual. He’ll never fail to forget to call.

Later…

Dad just called. He sounds good. I told him what I wanted but I guess they’re sending me money instead.

I discussed the progress I’ve been making on my piano and told him the two things that were the most shocking. One, my getting the voice to sing and two, their being on my side.

I told him I pictured him being part of an interview someday where a guy says to my father, “She says she’s so glad she has enough money now so she can take you out to dinner.” I can just see the expression on my father’s face. Dad said it’ll come in time. He seems so sure of me.

Later…

Tammy just called. No one can give me a ride to Salem! I gotta go with Nervous! Shit! Damn! Fuck! Why do I always end up having to use that low-life scum? He’ll never shut up. He’ll get us killed or his car will break down. Well, just think, soon I’ll be moved and I’ll be through with him.

Andy better not call me when I’m sleeping or else!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1988 Yesterday I had a long day at Channel 57. I canceled my check-up so I could work longer but will reschedule after Turkey Day for sure.

Andy called and told me not to think he died but that he’s had company all weekend. A bunch of relatives are coming to see his sister and her baby. So he won’t be calling me till Monday.

Tammy also called to say that she wants me to get a ride down to her place on December 3rd for a Chanukah dinner, then stay overnight and celebrate my b-day the next day which will be a Sunday.

How? I don’t know if Philip will be able to get me down there. I’ll never ask Nervous but Tammy said to just use him for the ride and she’ll send him right back home afterward. I never want to have to use him to drive me anywhere and take the chance of getting killed or his car breaking down and I couldn’t stand to put up with him that long. He’ll never shut up and he’s a little pushy bastard!

She says she doesn’t know if Mom and Dad are even coming home this winter for the holidays and the store. She says she hasn’t heard one way or the other. It doesn’t look like they’ll be coming back until April. But then again, I thought I remembered Dad saying they would be here one time in the van as he was bringing me home from somewhere. Every other winter they’ve come in.

I changed the bedroom around to the way it was before I discovered this spider nest.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1988 I fell asleep very early last night but kept waking up for 3 reasons. One is that the phone kept ringing. Two is cuz I kept having to pee after taking my water pill. Three is I kept having these weird dreams.

Last night I had this really weird dream about Nervous. Apparently, in this dream, I owned my own home which had a basement and a first floor. I was in the basement which was a long room lined with small windows along a wall that was a little over my head. I was going through some old clothes when I heard a car and said to myself, That’s Nervous’s car. I know it is.

I turned off all the lights and stood behind some furniture in the center of the room and waited. Sure enough, I heard him shuffling through the grass and saw him walk up to the farthest window at the very end of the room where my stereo was. He just stood there and waited, no doubt hoping I’d come down to listen to my stereo.

Next thing I know he was in the cellar with me, the lights were on, and I was telling him I heard his car and saw him walk up to the window. He stood there laughing. Then there was a double-size bed near the stereo and I was lying on it starting to feel very sleepy and he was sitting on the other side of it. All of a sudden he had his arms around me and asked, “Is this wrong?”

I got up off the bed and said, “Yes, this is wrong. You sleep here and I’ll go upstairs to sleep in my bedroom. When you get up in the morning, wake me up and I’ll let you out.”

But then he started to get up off the bed and follow me and said, “Let’s talk.”

Then the phone rang and I said, “Who the fuck is that at this hour? You answer it.”

Later…

I called Dee to see if she could do my hair, and she said to come in at 11:00. I want it trimmed so that it’s one length, although I don’t think I look really terrible with my short hair layered. Maybe if I grew my hair long again I’d look too much like a little girl. I know I’ll definitely keep the front short with layered bangs, but I guess I do really miss my length and it’s gonna take me about 5 years to get it even and to the middle of my back.

I was thinking I may walk up to Shopper’s for my Femstat and have breakfast at the deli next door.

Later…

I just had my hair evened out and it looks really nice. I also bought this shampoo which she used to make my hair really soft.

I was also up at the deli where I got eggs and toast and some coffee. Tony, the cop I know, was there and as usual, he teased my ass like crazy.

Elizabeth is coming over tonight with envelopes for me to stuff.

I told Nervous last night to call me around 8:00 so he can take me food shopping.

I’ve got to tell Nervo about the dream I had last night. He should definitely get a kick out of it. Probably wish it could be true, too. Getting his arms around me, staying overnight.

I bought some more clothes from Goodwill. A bra, two pairs of sweatpants, pajamas and another nightie, which is so tiny and fits me perfectly.

By the way, speaking of the weight I lost, even Tony noticed it too. It’s a little scary in a way, though, cuz every summer I automatically lose 10-15 pounds. This summer I certainly can’t afford to lose one more pound! I’d be bones.

Mary Lou just called saying I needed to see Dr. Osborne Monday at 3:00 cuz I never saw Dr. Moshiri. That means I can’t see her and that sucks.

Also, I’m gonna write to Medicare about their crazy policy that the therapists can’t come to our homes. We have to go there which sucks cuz not everyone has a car and it’s not easy for the therapists either.

I just finished having a whole can of sardines, 10 pieces of bacon and a bagel with cream cheese.

Right now I must go call Elizabeth and ask her to please try to bring my paperwork earlier.

Later…

Tomorrow at 9:00 I have to go to Channel 57 to do the work I was supposed to do here at home. Elizabeth says she was having trouble with her printing machine. Also, Channel 57 voted me volunteer of the month, therefore I’m to have my picture in their magazine with a few paragraphs about me.

Tomorrow I also have to get a dental check-up at the Holyoke Mall. I would never ask Nervous to drive me with the sick way he drives, nor could I stand to have to put up with him that long.

Nervo may be calling soon. I don’t need or want him to take me to Food Mart.

I wonder where Sasha is. Must be hiding out sleeping either under the bed or under the couch or chairs in the living room. 95% of the time, though, she’s on the bed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1988 If I don’t get to sleep I’ll never make it to my appointment in the morning. Also, at 2:30 I have to see a GYN. A male. I hate these painful exams!

There are so many things up in the air right now and so many questions. What will happen in court? What will happen with the dating service? What’s my future gonna be? What’s gonna happen if no other medication but the Navane will work?

Later…

Well, Nervous called me at 7:30 but I fell back asleep so I missed my appointment. I rescheduled it for Dec. 1st.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be going to Food Mart. I’ve been out of soda and milk and want to get some TV dinners. Also, I should get some light bulbs cuz I have no more and if the lamp in the bedroom burns out, then I’m stuck.

This afternoon at 2:30 I’m definitely going to my GYN appointment to take care of this yeast infection. I’ll walk there. They’re not too far from here. I’ll probably leave between 1:45 and 2:00.

I wonder if that gay taxi driver, Linda, is gonna call today? I never know if Maria will ever call. Why can’t she just be honest? Why she ever gave me her phone number totally baffles me. It even shocked Andy. Andy says Maria hasn’t even called Bev.

I’ve got a package of bacon in the refrigerator that I think I’m gonna go make up now, along with a bagel for breakfast.

Later…

Believe it or not, I just got a call from the school department. This woman wants me to come in for an interview for volunteer work. She says she’s not in need of an interpreter but would like to discuss the possibility of me doing something else. That’d be great. It’ll keep me busy. I hope. I hope it’s full-time. I’m going crazy just sitting here every day going nowhere but to doctors and doing errands.

I spoke to Mary C also. She was watching a movie on HBO and says her son William is sick and she just brought him home from the doctor’s.

She said she may take a drive over later. Yeah, sure. She damn well better plan on giving me back my black sweatpants she took the last time I saw her. Either way, she is going to return them and never again will she be allowed to borrow one single thing.

I think now I’m gonna take a walk to the store. I’m dying for some soda.

Later…

I took a bath and shaved, then I ran to the store for some soda and a hamburger.

In a little more than a half-hour from now, I’m gonna start walking over to Ridgewood Terrace for the crotch doctor which I dread. Another male touching my body. It’s so painful, too.

The mailman just came, but not with Gloria’s records I ordered, so I sent them back.

Some stupid Puerto Rican is outside honking its horn as usual. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. After growing up in beautiful areas, I miss it, and it’s time to move. That is for sure. When I move I won’t have to worry about leaving my doors open or anything. I highly doubt I will associate with Nervous when I move. I won’t need him and it wouldn’t be the greatest idea for him or for me. He’ll always be lonely with no woman and no friends and when I move, or possibly before, maybe he’ll realize why. He’s such a sad case. Que lastima.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s office now and the secretary seems kind and reassuring but I still hate to go through this shit.

It’s almost 3:00 but the doctor is running late as usual. Aren’t all doctors always late?

Mrs. Witherspoon from the 4th floor drove me here. I called for a taxi but it never came and the dispatcher couldn’t page Linda.

Later…

Well, the exam went ok and yes, as usual, I do have a yeast infection.

The dispatcher could never page Linda the gay driver so I got a different driver to go home. It cost me $2.

It seemed so dark all day. Even at 2:00. It’s not even 5:00 and it’s already just about pitch dark.

I hope Elizabeth will be willing to meet me at Montpelier St. tomorrow night a little earlier when she brings to me those envelopes she wants me to stuff. She’ll never be able to see me nor I see her if it’s too dark.

I hope Nervous calls soon. I do want to go to Food Mart. Never would I ask him to take me anywhere during the daytime. That’s when he’s always in his fucked-up mood and is so agitated and acts and talks like a two-year-old. I wonder why the daytime makes him more nervous. Several mornings ago he was extremely wound up but I’m quite sure that was cuz Fran had spent the night which he’s been dying to do. The first question out of his mouth when he called was, “Is monkey brain still there?”

I wouldn’t put it past him to come down to Norwich and say, “My car broke down. Can I stay the night?”

He’ll never get to stay the night, and if he comes to see me against my wishes I’ll kick his ass.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1988 Nervous brought Sasha back last night. I really missed her although I never thought I would. I just hope the inspector doesn’t decide to double-check. Unfortunately, Carabetta allows no pets. Which is stupid. What if they were animals? Would they like to be homeless and out on the streets?

Also last night, Andy came over to teach me more songs. I’ve learned Talk To Me completely now and he also showed me some of If I Were You. I know Sara completely but need to finish learning La Isla Bonita. I attempted today to learn the song Piano Man by myself from an old book I’ve had for ages but it sure isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get it someday soon, though.

Today Andy called, but the answering machine picked up his call cuz I was in the shower. I knew it was him right away by the way he was singing at the top of his lungs. He and I both are crazy.

Nervous will no doubt call later.

Today I went to see my new therapist Mary Lou. She was ok. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular. I ran my mouth quite a bit to her and she says I’m interesting.

Also today I was looking to buy a denim mini skirt, size 14 in girls, but they didn’t have a fitting room so I never bought it.

Before going to see Mary Lou I had a few minutes to kill so I looked in Falcetti’s for a music book, but I didn’t like the way this Madonna book was written and they have a shitty music selection, so I bought nothing there either.

I’ve been tired all day and I think I need to go eat now.

Later…

Nervous called. He didn’t have much to say. Just the usual about how he’s so busy running around here, there and everywhere. According to him, he was looking in a music store in the Eastfield Mall where they sell Yamaha keyboards. I wonder why cuz I told him to forget about that and instead just give me $100 for my birthday and Chanukah so I can pay for my dating service. Both would be nice, but that’s a little too much to ask for and that’d surely leave him broke and he’d end up evicted again.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I have an appointment with my asthma doctor in which I’m gonna have a taxi driver, who’s gay, that I met over the phone drive me cuz there’s no bus stop near their new office. I’m curious to see what she looks like. Probably butchy. She sounds like it just from talking to her over the phone. She’s had a girlfriend for 5 years she said.

Yesterday morning I called Maria at the bank where she works cuz I couldn’t get a hold of her for quite a while, and as usual, she hasn’t called me. I can’t believe she ever even gave me her phone number. Neither can Andy. Well, anyway, she says maybe sometime this week we can go see a movie. Yeah, sure! Why can’t she just be honest?

Later…

I just got off the phone with Nervous and right now I’m on the phone with Andy.

Emily really pisses me off. She never calls and therefore I’ll be damned if I’m ever gonna call her again. She’s busy, she’s tired. That’s a lie. She’s got time for other people and places. Like her friends Maria and Sylvia. She totally ignored me when I went to see her up at Shopper’s. Especially when Sylvia came in, as I may’ve mentioned before. I’m not even gonna say goodbye when I move.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1988 I called the dating service and she really reassured me, although there are no guarantees, but time will tell.

Friday I got a promotion from Channel 57. Instead of answering phones I’m gonna be the office manager. My job will be to help other girls with any problems they may have, tally up pledges and enter them into a book.

Wednesday of next week, Elizabeth is gonna bring over some envelopes to stuff.

Unfortunately, everything’s closed today but I’ll be going up to Shopper’s Drug today to see Emily.

Earlier this morning I scrubbed the kitchen floor 3 times as it was filthier than filthy, sang a little, and I hope to hell the inspector comes tomorrow and that Nervous calls so he can bring the cat back.

Am I very sorry I reunited as friends with Nervo! He’s his same old self. Pitiful. The way he drove to New Britain scared the shit out of me and he got us lost as usual after saying he knew where to go. I think maybe he did that deliberately, hoping they’d tell me it was too late whenever I got there and to come back another time. That way he could spend the day with me again.

He freaked out yesterday morning on the phone no doubt cuz Fran was here overnight, and after I get Sasha back I don’t want to associate with him again. I have learned my lesson. It took some time but he is a male and that’s the way they all are. Sick.

Later…

I went up to see Emily and I want nothing more to do with her either. She totally ignored me but when her pal Sylvia came in she jumped for joy. She’s totally abandoned our friendship. Ever since last year. But she has other friends she sees and calls all the time but she never calls me. Maybe she’ll get the hint when she never receives any more phone calls from me.

Believe it or not, I just got Mary C’s number. Yes, she’s still married to John and says she’s got 8 more weeks and 6 days till she has another baby. She says it’s John’s but told me a long time ago he couldn’t make anymore cuz he had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t by cheating. She’s cheated on him numerous times in the past. That’s why it surprised me when they got married.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1988 Last night I took that medication again that Dr. Moshiri gave me and once again it put me right to sleep at 10:00. At 2:00 Andy called and I stayed up to reverse my schedule cuz yesterday I slept all day and never went to Channel 57. Today I have to go at 10:00, then at noon, I’m going to New Britain to that dating service. I have to be there at 1:00. But I couldn’t believe how that medication really calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.

Right now I have the hiccups.

Nervous bought me corrective tape cuz I typed him a business letter so I could easily erase any mistakes I made.

Yesterday morning I tried to call my sister but her line was busy for ages. I may call her tonight to tell her about today’s trip, but then again I don’t think she gives a damn. Oh well.

I called the doctor about my vaginal problem explaining I didn’t ever plan to have a relationship again with a male and that I preferred women and he said I shouldn’t even bother to do anything about the problem. He said not to force myself to do or be what I can’t. Do whatever’s natural for me and that’s being gay. I could never be straight and feel comfortable physically or mentally. Never. He’s right. He’s definitely got a point although I’d feel happier knowing that my problem was taken care of and it would surely help with everything else with a woman.

Nervous said he ran into Mary C and that she’s pregnant again. I’m not surprised, but it can’t be by John cuz she told me he supposedly had a vasectomy done. She’ll never make it with him cuz she has always cheated on him before, during and after their marriage and he’s a jerk. I never got her phone number but I don’t want it. She was never a friend. She only came over here when she wanted something.

I wish I could sleep now till 8:00 or 8:30 but I won’t chance it cuz I may never wake up and I must go to Channel 57!

Later…

I did stay up all night and right now I am at Channel 57 waiting for my boss Elizabeth who is still in a meeting.

After my work is done, and I sure as hell hope I get done before noon, I am going to New Britain.

Well, I am really very tired but I’d best ignore it cuz I have a long day ahead. I know I want to get something to eat either before my interview or right after. I’m starving! I’m so nerved up, too.

Andy says he’ll call me tonight and that he’ll be anxious to hear about how today will go. I’m quite curious myself about what will develop. Maybe not much. I think I’m dreaming an impossible dream which is something I seem to have done all my life and probably always will. All I get are jerks. Never can attract or hang onto the decent people.

I still don’t like the idea of spending the day with Nervioso. He’s a pain in the ass.

Later…

Sure enough, Nervous’s car did break down so he got a rental car and we are now heading for New Britain so my handwriting is awfully shaky.

Later…

Well, this place I went to definitely doesn’t seem like a rip-off but it is costly! $295, but to me, it’s worth it cuz as she agreed with me if you go to a bar all you’ll get is druggies and drunks who want one-night stands and may have aids. Also, I could put an ad in the Advocate for $35 and never know what I’m getting.

I filled out a personality questionnaire and discussed my hobbies, goals and interests and what attracts me sexually. All this info will be matched up with other woman’s info, and they will give me 3 people to meet that they feel are compatible with me.

I still have my fears and doubts, though. Will I ever find the right person? Someone who’ll attract me sexually like Gloria? If they’re the right person for me will they find me attractive? Will there be too many things wrong with the person? Will I get Miss Right and lose her cuz of my past or present problems?

Time will tell if this really is the answer or not. Another fear I have is what if the 3 women I meet are all wrong for me and I have to pay an additional $295 to meet 3 more? Can I cancel my membership when and if I find the right person? Will I have to pay a renewal fee? They weren’t very clear on all this.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1988 I am now at the Laundromat.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see Mary Lou at 2:15. Wednesday I work for Channel 57. Thursday I go out of town to New Britain. And last but not least, Friday I see Dr. Moshiri, who I shall bitch out from head to toe.

Sometime this week I’d like to do some gift shopping for the family and also get my hair trimmed and basically just evened out.

Can’t wait till Mom calls tonight, I have lots to tell her.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1988 Tomorrow morning I’m going to do laundry at Nervous’s rooming house. I told him to go get his breakfast while I’m doing it so he doesn’t bug me. He said ok.

Andy’s sister Marla flew in tonight from California with her 4-month-old son, so Andy was psyched.

I wonder when the hell I’ll ever move. Yes, I’ll miss people here in Springfield, but I really do want to hurry up and move so I can be near my sister and nieces. I sure hope I’m able to get a lucky break in music somehow, someway, with or without Tammy’s help.

I’ve got to get a much more positive attitude. I can’t give up my singing even if Tammy continues to think I’m hopeless or if I have a few failures. Being too negative so much is going to get me nowhere. It’s what I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be a doer, not a dreamer. It’s soon or never. I won’t settle for anything else. I love to sing and now have a voice I never thought I’d ever have.

I also really want to improve my piano, guitar and Spanish by studying more and practicing my ass off. No more being so lazy.

Nervous said he’s looking for a portable organ like Andy’s which I love to death, but it may be just too expensive and I surely don’t want to see him get evicted again. I’m dying for one, though.

I was supposed to call yesterday for an appointment today to have gotten my hair evened out but now I’ll have to wait till Tuesday. They’re closed Sundays and Mondays.

Monday night is when Ma calls. Also Monday I’ll have to call La Baron. They sent me a bill for $1,068 and I’m not paying a dime. They never should’ve let me into school without approving my application for financial aid first. I’ll also call the people I filled out the application with. They’re also responsible. She was supposed to have contacted me and it looks like I may have to take them to court and hopefully sue them for the $561 that I paid to get into Mansfield for my manicuring course. They should definitely pay me.

Also Nervous is taking me to New Britain, CT to a service for gay women to meet other gay women. I just hope his car doesn’t break down in the middle of the highway or I’ll die.

Later…

I am still wide awake. I just did some reading and before that, I played my keyboard and guitar.

I ordered Gloria’s two Spanish albums Rio and Otro Vez.

Today, if I don’t sleep all day, I’m gonna do laundry, but if I do I can always do it later on tonight.

I called Fran’s old foster father and left a message for him to call me. I haven’t seen him in ages. Why is it that he only comes to visit once in a lifetime? Last time was when he bought the TV from me.

Rather than go to Johnson’s maybe I should go to McRory’s in the Eastfield Mall across from my mom’s store. It’s bigger, better and much cheaper and they have everything. I’m almost positive I’d find some really nice things there for the kids and some nice things for everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call about getting my vaginismus cured cuz it would make me happy and maybe it’s just a waste of time being gay, even if it’s not a choice.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1988 I’m cooking a piece of lamb. Actually, before that, I just walked in. I had been out with Andy.

I slept all day today and never got my laundry done. Never called Channel 57 or mailed this letter I wrote to someone, but Nervous is mailing it. He was over earlier and we had a nice chat.

Before 6:00 Cecelia came over. We had a nice chat too in ASL and I did tell her I was moving. She said hopefully she could come to visit me.

Anna next door woke me up at 2:00 this afternoon to ask me about a phone call she got very early this morning from some girl who knew her name was Anna, and I guess used my name, by asking her if she knew me, but Anna hung up saying, “I don’t know who you are.”

I know nothing about it, I told her.

I spoke to Nervous today who may know of someone to take Sasha. Also, I spoke to Andy who should be calling any second.

Earlier I fell asleep and dreamt that my mother sent me puppies in the mail. Weird, huh?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1988 The stupid males in court today want desperately to waste my time and so this case is being brought before a jury of 6 and then possibly to trial. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be dismissed and by the time the final court date comes up I’ll be moved and they can have a default warrant out for me for the rest of my life, cuz what are my chances of being picked up if I were to come to Springfield for a day or two? None. And how many cops know me by face and name? Maybe 3 cops, and it’s very unlikely that we’ll run into each other.

Today I also confronted Pig Corcoran, or whatever the fuck his name really is, with the sexually harassing phone calls I got and asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no and that he wouldn’t do that. Yeah, sure. Quite a coincidence don’t you think? I know it was him or somebody he put up to it.

I called that gay dating service for women, and according to them, their nearest offices are either Framingham, MA or Great Britain, CT. No way to get there by bus or by anyone else. Tammy says they’re a total rip-off. She said she went through a Jewish dating service to find Bill cuz she wanted her children raised as Jews. But to me what you are is what you are, and I don’t believe in that or religion. People are people are people.

Tammy said to place an ad in the personals section of the Advocate but to get a PO box address. I may someday if nothing else works.

Guess what? This will come as a surprise to you as it did to me but I called Maria at work explaining that I knew and realized that I did wrong, and wanted her to understand and to feel free to confront me with any problems rather than to be scared and run away, and that once the problem is discussed, I would never make the same mistake again. I try not to anyway. So she said it was that I was too forward and scared her away and I then explained to her that when you’re alone so much and you get an opportunity to talk, you talk. I said that maybe I threw up my past in her face out of fear and that rather than be too shy I was trying to make friendly conversation for our first visit, and I also didn’t want to seem rude by ignoring her questions. She did seem to understand fully and mentioned my trusting her enough the first time we met to take her home with me and I said that I learned to tell the good ones from the bad ones and told her about Mary D, who attempted to attack me for prank calling her. She said that was awful and seemed to understand why I crawled into this little shell.

The sicko (Mary) came over for her record and started trashing the place before she turned on me, knocked me down, then ran.

I also told her what I heard about Bev and that I heard she wanted Bev, and she denied it saying her lips were sealed and she wouldn’t repeat any of it to Bev. I told this to Andy who got pissed at me fearing there was a good 98% chance that Maria would definitely go to Bev and that Bev would go to Andy all pissed off. I did not realize at the time that what I said could be harmful but to me, it is a test of trust and honesty.

Maria told me that she doesn’t have many friends herself and sometimes needs someone to talk to and would like to go to the movies or the mall and that when I called her at work upset about the barrette she was about to apologize and explain why she couldn’t come over, but I didn’t give her a chance and hung up, assuming she didn’t care, and I explained she was right cuz of past experience.

Andy, however, does believe that she wants Bev and that she put a hickey on Bev’s neck, though Maria denied it, saying she didn’t know Bev well, didn’t see much of her and has only known her for 6 months. Well, time will tell whether she’s a liar or she is honest.

The thing she did that really shocked me the most was give me her phone number. I told her I was so sorry for calling her at work, her place of business and she said not to worry about it at all and that if I had a problem to call her at work or home. She told me she usually gets home after 6 PM on weekdays. I certainly am not going to bug her or burden her in any way but in the long run, I still believe this will never be a sexual relationship and that she is still young and unaware of her sexuality. Bev, boyfriend, or not, she just wants to be strictly friends and that’s ok. Better than nothing.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1988 I’ve been up all night cuz I was afraid to go to sleep and not hear the alarm in time to go to court today for the little macho bully male pig.

I slept all night yesterday plus all day due to that fucking medication the shrink gave me.

I’m reading a book about people with sexual dysfunctions who go into therapy and use sex surrogates to cure their problems and I have decided to seek help for the problem I have where it’s too painful for a male to penetrate me which I read is called vaginismus caused by an obstruction or the walls of the vagina involuntarily tightening. I believe it would make me happier to solve the problem, and yes, I do sometimes wish I were straight and could marry a great guy and have a baby but it all goes back to my not being attracted to men. Yet I’d probably get an ugly female and I still believe that male or female I’d only get an asshole, and 98% of the males are assholes, so it’s mostly women that have assholes or are going to get them, not just me.

I know they don’t use sex surrogates here in Springfield. Most places don’t cuz they consider it prostitution, although I think in some cases, such as mine, it’s very helpful. I hope they can help me by just talking to me, but if I’m stupid enough to fall for a male, what if they rape me or beat me or steal from me or are like Ron, Nervous or Al? That’s all I get. What if I got another woman like Mary? I’ll never get a woman like Gloria. Never.

But I also decided that today I just might call that dating service for gay women called Woman To Woman. I hope I can afford it and if they give me a decent woman and I lose her or they give me a jerk, I want my money back.

[witflitmanict]

I'm Still Here

Did you think I had left and given up already? I wouldn't blame you if you did. I made a plan and followed it for approximately three days and then...nope. Finished. 

Typical. I actually have been writing. I just have not completed anything. Or managed to get anything over 1000 words. So nothing has been posted because I wasn't hitting my goal. See? This is the problem with rules and regulations, they always end up hindering me... The reason I have not finished much is twofold: First, I have somehow gotten stupidly busy. My schedule went from "guess I'll be having a boring and also slightly poor October" to "and now every day of your calendar is filled with an obligation or two that shall take up all your time either attending them or preparing to attend them." It is possible that had I thought a few seconds ahead I would have realized that this is the case, but thinking ahead is not a strong point of mine. Second, I have been inexplicably tired. Actually it is not really inexplicable. It is just that the tiredness comes in starts and stops just as suddenly, which feels inexplicable. The tiredness has meant a lot of laying in bed trying to sleep which is another thing I am not good at as you may recall. This has meant less time to actively write. And so, like many writers out there, I have not managed to finish a single thing I am working on. And perhaps worse, none of them are even in a place where I could split them to post something on here...they are very, very much in progress. 

I am trying my best, my friend. 

I suppose there is a third reason that I should mention. It is the other thing that makes it very hard. 

You see I am very much in a rut. I think it could be argued that in most of my life I have felt in a rut, but for most of my life I have at least had an inkling of an idea of what to do next. That is not currently true. I think it has very much been untrue since around the time I turned 30, possibly even a bit earlier than that. I had a life goal that was not very glamorous I think, although it was very exciting, and I achieved it. And I enjoyed it, but I knew fairly early on that it was not going to be what I did for the rest of my life. 

My life goal was set at a very young age and it is one that I know many people who come from the sorts of places like I did share. It is a very common trope anyways. Person from a small town and a difficult family dreams of leaving and never coming back. I think perhaps the only thing that makes my situation a little unique is that I knew this was my goal from the time I was about 8 years old. I said as much to my mother, standing in the kitchen while my siblings argued over who would get to inherit the house when we grew up. I  happily told my mother I had no need to join in this argument because I would leave as soon as I could and not come back. 

And that is precisely what I did. I left to go to college and I never returned…

Ok not really. I did leave for college, and was gone for two years. But then I got horribly depressed and could not find my way out of a paper bag, and so I returned for the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year in college. It was not a great summer, but I (and my mother) made it through, and thankfully it was short, and so I left again…only to return for about a month after I graduated. This time it was more of a timing thing, but also…I was still definitely depressed.

But I did eventually make it work. I moved abroad at 23, and stayed abroad for a little over 8 years. Each time I succeeded in something I gave myself a new goal: travel to different countries, move to a different country, get a job as something other than an English teacher, create a potentially permanent life for yourself…

I did all that. By the time I was 30 I had lived in two different countries, traveled to about 25, gotten a job at an international school as a regular classroom teacher (what I had actually gone to school for…) and created a great support group that included friends, partners, and a fulfilling life.

And almost simultaneously my health was failing. Truthfully there were signs of it before I ever left: migraines that would last for days without relief until they simply ended on their own. Suicidal thoughts that sometimes turned towards action but never a full plan. Constant trips to the hospital for injuries I got doing fairly regular things. But I had been raised to not put any stock into these sorts of things and encouraged to figure it out on my own.

It will come as a surprise to no one that I had a full breakdown around 27. I did it alone in a foreign country, and came out of it alright, albeit with a bi-polar (II) diagnosis, and an action plan. So I packed up again and moved to a new city with a new job and some new meds. And while in the process of this I experienced near daily pain that eventually hospitalized me for a week when my system shut down and rejected anything put in it. Food, water, medication…it was not a fun time. 

And so I was diagnosed with celiacs and a soy allergy. And there was improvement after that. Until there wasn’t. Until the headaches returned, sometimes with nerve pain in my hands or shoulders or neck that was so severe that I could not move and would lay in agony or cry at my desk when my students were gone. Then I began to get sick any time I exercised, unable to breath, vomiting, or nearly collapsing in pain. I have always been active - martial arts, snowboarding, skateboarding, running…it is part of how I keep my mental health. So when I lost it, my mental health rapidly deteriorated too. Breakdowns, depression, panic attacks and rage returned and I began to only see a vague haze around me in my life in Japan. On the one hand, I loved it. It looked neat and tidy and likely enticing from afar. On the other hand I was miserable. I hated my existence and could not see any way of making it work. I could not find the next step because as far as I could tell any new step might put me at risk of not making it.

And then there was home, and all that was happening there. It is one thing to dream about leaving your family, and it is another thing to actually do it. Should you make that choice, you may find that it is hard to watch them fall apart and put themselves back together, only to fall apart again, when you are so far away and there is little you can do. 

So, I came back. 

And it is not a decision I regret. It was the right decision. But just as I knew my life in Japan was not what I had hoped it would be - the line at the end of the race - I know this is not right either. 

And so I have been a bit frozen. Unable to finish what I started this month as I wrestle with what the next, correct, step is.

So forgive me, gentle friend. I have good intentions, but sometimes life gets in the way. 

(1328)

[originalpeasantjellyfish]

September Blues (it's somehow okay with you)

A/N: September is hard y'all. This is a little different from what I usually write, but I think it turned out readable at the very least. It's also been a hot minute (read: months) since I wrote anything, so if there are any mistakes, please let me know. Love you and take care of yourself!

Relationship: Original Female Character/Reader

Tags/Warnings: Developing Relationship, Ambiguous Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Some Humor, Mentions of alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Depression, September, Reader's gender is not specified, reader is cheesy, One moment against the kitchen counter

Description: A collection of five times she looks at you differently.

2,687 words

You think there’s something different in the way she looks at you.

- - -

It first happens on a humid afternoon; a miraculous day where the both of you are free of commitments. 

You’re lying on her sofa, playing a game on your phone as you listen to the sound of her tinkering around in the kitchen mixed with the drone of the news on the TV. (It’s strange, you think, she always seems to have the TV on when you come over, a different channel each time.)

The game is one you haven’t touched in a while, and it rewards you with an hour of free lives and power-ups. You seize the opportunity and try to level up as much as you can, matching fruit and watching bombs explode.

She pokes her head out of the kitchen, a tsk on her lips when she sees that you haven’t moved since she entered the kitchen.

“Are you still playing that game?”

“Uh-huh,” you hum in reply, doing a happy wiggle dance (lying down edition) as you beat a tough level in one try and get three times the points, “It’s the one you showed me months ago.”

She hums, disappearing into the kitchen once more. Though you swear you see her roll her eyes and smile.

The scent of delicious fried rice in the air lures you from the game, and you look up just in time to hear her asking you to set the table. 

And so you do, remaining 25 minutes of free power-ups be damned. 

- - -

When it happens again, you’re in the passenger seat of her car. It was an hour into the road trip and this was the second time she had pulled over to find a gas station restroom.

You sigh, leaning your head against the window and watching as the window fogs up with your breath. You hated September. It always brought up difficult feelings and this year was no different; whether it was the guilt from having survived, grief for everything that was now gone, or the loss you were at when thinking about the future.

The car is suddenly much too quiet with just the engine running.

But it was way too early in the morning for those kinds of thoughts, so you let your eyes close.

The car door opens on the driver’s side and she’s standing there with the light of the gas station convenience store behind her, and all you can think about is how she looks like an angel.

She sets two tumblers into the console’s cupholders and a plastic bag on the floor of the backseat before quickly getting in and closing the door. 

“It’s freezing outside,” she says, blowing on her hands and shivering, “I got your favourite tea, I think, the guy inside blanked when I asked for English Breakfast so I bought a small box of it and asked for hot water. Although I think the water might not have been boiling, and there’s no sugar or anything.”

You must have just been staring at her because she carefully picks up a tumbler and unscrews it, blowing on its contents before handing it to you.

You accept it with both hands on instinct, staring at the brown liquid before looking back up at her. 

Her hair was sticking up in places, backlit so clearly by the LED lights behind her that each individual strand seemed to glow. The result of being up since 4am and not much sleep the night before. 

Guilt churns in your stomach, dissolving any butterflies.

“Is something wrong?” Her voice is softer now, eyes lidded with concern. “C’mon, you can tell me anything,” she adds, poking your shoulder playfully. 

“Isn’t it tiring?”

“What is?”

“This. Driving me to that place every year. In the middle of project season.”

It’s her turn to sigh now. 

“Hey dummy, look at me.” She takes the tumbler from your hands, returning it to the cupholder. Her hands take its place, and you find that they’re warmer. The look in her eyes is serious, and it almost scares you. You’ve hardly seen her like this before. “Going there is important to you, right?”

You nod silently.

“Then it’s important to me. And like I’ve said before, I’m willing to drive you every year. You don’t have to take the bus, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“But you don’t even know why—”

“That doesn’t matter. You don’t have to tell me, I’ll drive you either way.”

“Why?” You ask.

She smiles, although it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Because when you called me three years ago asking for a ride, I agreed, and I don’t break my promises to those I care about.”

A truck pulls into the gas station at that moment, and the sound of bells chiming barely fills the car as a bearded trucker enters the store without so much as a glance at the both of you.

It gets quiet enough for you to hear her clear her throat when she releases your hands from hers, and you miss the warmth instantly.

She puts on her seatbelt and adjusts the mirror. “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” you reply, reaching for the tumbler, you didn’t miss the way her voice had cracked slightly earlier. “And thank you for driving me again.”

“It’s my pleasure.” Her free hand rests on your thigh, as if telling you, "I'm here for you." And you lace your fingers between hers, grateful.

The rest of the trip is carried out in silence. She stands behind you as you lay a single sunflower under a large tree, and you watch the sunrise together. Just like last year. And the year before that.

She tries the tea on the way back, nearly gagging as you chuckle. It was bitter and somehow under-steeped, but you finish it anyway, thanking your tea-bringing angel and enjoying her confused look at the nickname. 

You keep the store-brand box of tea bags she bought, displaying it proudly in your kitchen.

- - -

The third time happens two months after the trip. 

This time, you’re in her new kitchen, looking at her impressive collection of tumblers.

“Did you find the tongs?” She asks from behind you.

“Did you raid every coffee shop?”

“What?”

“What? I’m serious, you could open a tumbler shop with the amount you have.”

She blinks at you, eyes narrowed, and turns back to stirring the pot of soup on the stove. You notice the tip of her ears were red, so you close the cupboard and start looking through the neatly organised drawers instead, searching for the elusive pair of tongs.

“Did you even keep the tongs after you moved?” You ask, staring into a drawer filled with cupcake liners and piping tips. 

The stirring stops.

You look at her, her face was slightly flushed now, an embarrassed smile half on her lips.

“My tea-bringing angel, have the tongs ever existed in this kitchen?” 

She keeps quiet, so you poke her side, earning a swat to your hand.

“Hey!”

“Just shut it.”

“I’m not the one who just sent me on a wild goose chase for tongs that ever existed,” you pout. “And I’m not the one who has a cupboard full of tumblers and baking supplies I don’t use,” you add under your breath.

Unfortunately for you, the close proximity meant she heard every word. 

The gas stove clicks as it shuts off, each beat sending a shiver up your spine. She turns quickly, each hand on the counter on each side of you, effectively trapping you between her arms. 

She’s close, so close that you can smell the expensive shampoo she saves for special days. “Someone’s being a bit of a brat today, aren’t they?” Her face is mere inches from yours, and you feel her warm breath on your face. 

You swallow, she’s pressed against you, and the edge of the counter digs into your back. There’s something in her eyes you’d seen before, something that was half playful, half serious, and maybe half that look she’d given you when you showed her your new swimsuit that one night. 

That was too many halves; you were never really good at math, and that thought crossed your mind as she leans in closer and you hope she couldn’t feel your heart beating against hers.

“I—um…” You trail off, averting your gaze to the white tile floor. (Of course, it was white, this was her. She liked clean things.)

“Nothing to say now? You teased me so much that you’ve used up all your words for the day?”

“No…” You reply, catching yourself before you can shake your head as a response. That would only prove her point.

She hums, not really believing you. An arm leaves its post and her fingers trail up yours, leaving goosebumps in it’s wake.

“Do you want to know why I invited you here?”

You do. She’d mentioned it when you helped her move in two weeks ago.

It was a simple thank you meal, right?

The rice cooker switch flips, making you jump.

She releases you then, asking you to set the table with that smirk she got on her face when she knew she riled you up.

You don't get much sleep that night.

- - -

The fourth time, well, the fourth time was a disaster.

It was September again. And you remembered and remembered everything.

So you drank.

It didn't matter that you were four years sober at that point.

It didn't matter that the only alcohol available were the cheap wines and beers sold at the 24-hour convenience store a block away.

You took what you could get.

And you drank.

She gets a call in the middle of the night. The slurred words and teary voice at the end muttering her name was all it took to get her to your place in record time.

Only the TV is on when she enters, shivering from the cold air of dawn outside. 

She finds you curled on the floor, and that it is as warm inside as it was outside. She eyes the two empty bottles on the coffee table before helping you up.

You shake in her arms, clinging to the only warm thing in the room.

"You're gonna make yourself sick if you keep doing this," she says. 

It's a little later, early morning light starting to fill the room through the crack in the curtain as the sun rises. It's strange, she thinks, that she'd only seen a few sunrises in her life, and most of them had been with you.

You barely hear her, opting to focus on the ugly popcorn ceiling of your rented room.

She sighs, turning her gaze away from the calendar on your desk. 

September had been torn off. Of course it had been, she knew how it was. It'd been like that since she met you.

"Move in a little," she requests, lifting the covers to climb in beside you.

The bed is small, barely fitting the both of you on your backs. Her arm lays on top of yours. It's suffocating and comforting all at the same time.

Sounds from the street become more audible as the world starts waking from its slumber. Bird song and your neighbours' children groaning as they got up for school and the one car owned by the office worker living above you which always took three tries to start when it was cold. 

It's wonderfully domestic with her lying next to you.

And you start remembering. 

She's roused from her almost sleep when your breath hitches and a sob emerges.

As calm as always (she had to be, in these situations especially), she shifts to her side, half sitting up and half propped up by her elbow as she reaches for tissues and wipes your face.

It takes a good minute for you to start breathing evenly again, but she's gentle with her touches, always softly dabbing away the tears instead of rubbing your cheeks, and it makes you cry harder.

"Tell me what's going on," she pleads, "I don't know what to do." It's an unusual tone on her, because the only other times she does, it is when she's giving you puppy dog eyes when deciding what to eat for dinner or which movie to watch, even though she knows you would end up going along with what she chose. It's unusual because this was genuine.

You take a shuddery breath, making the bed shake. "I want to forget, I want to forget everything. I don't want to do this anymore."

"You said the same thing last time."

She was wrong. This wasn't like the last time you called her in tears. That was four years ago, when someone bumped into you at the bus stop and you'd dropped the sunflower, watching helplessly as it got blown onto the road before you could pick it up and get crushed by an oncoming car.

You had thought she would laugh at you for crying and calling her over a flower, but she showed up, only a month since she met you, a work contact nonetheless, and sat with you as you sobbed.

In the present, you shake your head and cover your eyes with your hands, hiding the fresh tears leaking down your face.

There was no way you could ever speak about September.

She wipes your tears and lies back down, on her side this time, and puts an arm around you. 

There were some things she couldn’t fix, but she hoped this wouldn’t be one of them.

- - -

The fifth time, it gets better.

You’re on the sofa again, her head in your lap as she scrolls through a food delivery app. 

The TV is on, it’s a drama this time, one about time-travelling and companions.

Your name leaves her lips and you hum in reply, looking down at her as she shows you a restaurant on the app.

Her hair tickles the skin of your thighs as she speaks, eyes sparkling as she describes the place famous for its spicy chicken stew, one she tried a few weeks and loved. 

You’ve heard this before, of course, she told you about it the moment she got home; a takeaway container with steaming red stew placed in front of you and her expectant eyes watching as she handed you a spoon. 

It was delicious, and she brightened at your validation, grinning at you as she took the seat across from you and talked about what happened that day. You didn’t even mind that you’d already brushed your teeth that night.

It’s an easy decision, and the order is placed.

The drama continues to play on TV as you eat. She laughs when you get stew on your shirt, only to immediately pout when she realises it was one of hers. 

“You know, if I’d known you were gonna steal my clothes all the time, I would have gotten you a copy of my wardrobe for Christmas.” Her voice is light in the small bathroom.

“Hmm,” you hum, considering her words as you scrub at the shirt with a stain stick, “No, it wouldn’t be the same.”

“Why not?” Her eyes are curious and with a glint of playfulness, and it takes an incredible amount of effort to not squish her cheeks with your hands, wet as they might be.

“Because they wouldn’t smell like you.”

Her reaction is immediate, “That’s so cheesy! Who says that?” She laughs, turning on the faucet and splashing water at you.

You splash back, laughing at how wide her smile was, and it turns into a water fight with the both of you giggling like children. 

As you clean up around her, no, your, apartment that night, (“It’s your place now too, dummy,” she whispered on one of the many nights you slept over.) you listen as she sings a pop song in the shower, and realise that as long as she was by your side, looking at you the way she did now, you could handle anything.

Even September. 

[lets-talk-spirituality]

See I get the need to clear internal spiritual blocks on a cerebral level in order to manifest the job, love, or life I really want but to even be able to have the energy to do that while not having basic needs met is a struggle. Of course I should always be calling those things in but I don’t have the luxury of not worrying about my day to day life to truly welcome those things in with my full energy (outside of doing the actual work of applying to jobs, writing new cover letters, prepping for interviews, networking). Living paycheck to paycheck and having to choose which foods I can afford on a given week is really dehumanizing and I know I’m not the only one hurting in this way.

So yeah, I appreciate the spirituality sentiment of attracting things into one’s life, but sometimes you just need more than that.

Right so it’s like the hierarchy of needs. Why are your basic needs not being met and is there a way to meet them? When I was depressed I really had no energy but going on a little trip to a work conference helped shake my energy up. Maybe doing something out of your ordinary will help. Going on that trip taught me to try to bring the wonder I feel in different places back home with me and to treat where I live as if I’m a visitor. That helped me unstick my energy.

I get where you are. I struggled financially for most of my early twenties til like 25, so like 18-25? I’m still not like rich. I have a ton of credit card debt like most people. I worked multiple jobs and did side gigs. I worked full time in marketing, free lanced, did video work on the side and had a hostess job all at once. And I was very frugal and fearful around money. That energy helped me pay off my private student loan.

I don’t really know your whole situation such as cost of living where you are, the kind of jobs you’re seeking and the kind of job you’re working. Capitalism is bullshit and we’re all struggling. But I also think we can become almost blinded to creative solutions because we can’t see beyond this one idea of what we want. Idk what country you live in either, but like in America there are a ton of jobs hiring. Not all are easy or ideal but they do pay money.

You may have to adjust what you want to do to what you have to or to what needs to be done. That’s sometimes the harsh reality of life. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get by. The only reason I ever lived in hustle culture was because I had to and it was hard and exhausting and I feel for people who have to work that hard to get by. But I had to do that for many years to get to the next step. And I’m about to take a second job working remote to help get my finances in order because I have money moves I have to make soon. You just do what you gotta do.

Do you have food stamps or public assistance where you live? If so I wholeheartedly say get on it. Take support where you can. If pride is holding you back, examine that. There are places you can get food I think like food banks. I work at a food pantry. There are creative solutions you can find.

Anyway I never said spirituality to attract things fixes everything or is enough in a broken system, but that ask asked about clearing blockages spiritually. Specifically blockages around relationships and jobs. I’m not saying to just try to attract more. I’m saying go out and do what you have to do to move out of survival mode and at the same time try shift your energy to be at the frequency to bring more to yourself. It’s a balance of reality and spirituality.

[sionnaigh]

“While a best friend can be an FP, it’s usually so much more than that… a favorite person is someone you have an emotional dependence on, who can ‘make or break’ your day.” [20] “You place the responsibility of your happiness onto them. They can make you feel on top of the world, or in the deepest pit depending on whether they are paying attention to you or not.” [21]

“The only thing is it feels SO much like I love him… I keep telling myself how I feel for my FP isn’t real, but hell does it feel like it is. It’s a very confusing place to be in.” [22]

“It’s not really your choice. And, to be fair, it isn’t the other person’s choice either… it takes a lot for someone to suddenly stop seeing you as their FP.” [22] “That’s a scary and difficult role to take on, especially unwillingly… I want you to understand the position that I have involuntarily put you in…” [25]

Individuals with BPD commonly describe FPs as someone caring, sympathetic and understanding, and so on. FPs are always there and reassure them when asked. FPs accept those with BPD as they are so that the latter feel free and express themselves around their FPs without fearing being judged and feeling like a burden. Their FP is a good listener, easy to talk to, and takes the time to understand and make them feel better, always being supportive.

“First, the person has to be sympathetic and understanding. Second, I have to feel like they get me. Third, we need to have emotional things in common.” [26]

Because FP is someone who the person with BPD feels stable and safe with, who is more likely to calm them down than fight back when they get emotional, they often get to the point where they believe their FP would rescue them. The more time they spend together, the more obsessed the individual with BPD becomes.

“It’s like they are all I need, like my life is complete as long as they are constantly giving me attention…feel like I am totally worthless unless someone is validating me. I have it with all my friends and my wife to an extent, but it’s worse with an FP.” [26]

The way FPs behave—constantly giving attention, validating and reassuring whenever they are asked—unfortunately, makes BPD symptoms worse, especially when they are not around. Individuals with BPD have to deal with intense jealousy, for example, when their FP spends time with other friends or does not answer their calls or messages immediately. While people with BPD need constant attention from their FP, they tend to internally analyze their interactions, looking for signs of rejection. Even though they know that their FP has the right to see other people and have alone time, they still consider that their FP is trying to drift away and no longer cares about them.

“It’s hard for me to tell myself that your world doesn’t revolve around me, … not hearing from you makes me anxious and paranoid, thinking you decided to abandon me…” [25]

Whether intended or not, FPs know how to comfort their person with BPD and reassure that they are not leaving, which reinforces these insecure attachment patterns. Those with BPD struggle with what is known as “splitting” on their FP, constantly shifting between idealization and devaluation; the shifting goes between these two extremes. When they are in the idealization phase, their emotional attachment toward their FP is strengthened. However, when their FP fails to fulfill their expectations, they are immediately devalued, causing anxiety and depression, sometimes anger and panic attacks.

Individuals with BPD keep actively trying to be accepted by their FP and fit completely into their FP’s life. For example, they tend to gradually change who they are, what they like or dislike, and the way they behave, trying to become like their FP. FPs are expected to be entirely honest with them and constantly let them know that they do not mean to cause any misunderstanding that could upset them.

“The loss of them is so much to bear that we would do almost anything to keep them. A changing self-identity is a symptom… very present within FP relationships.” [23] “You promise me you’ll never leave… I ask you at least once a day if our friendship is OK… You remind me that I mean as much to you as you mean to me.” [30]

The FP–BPD relationship often gets worse with time, as the person with BPD needs more attention and validation from their FP to get the same feeling of being cared for.

“My BPD thrived on her attention. The more attention she gave me, the more I got hooked on it and the more attention I needed to get the same “high” I felt.” [31]

The relationship gets to the point where it stops being a good friendship and turns toxic and destructive. Those with BPD can get too reliant on and obsessed with their FP to get out of the relationship but the emotions they experience, simultaneously, are too intense to stay secure and healthy in the relationship. Therefore, they often feel like having no control over the relationship.

“[They’re] like my drug. Whenever I get their attention, I’m happy for a while. But when I don’t, it’s like the world’s falling apart…” [20] “I have other friends, …but things were healthier. I didn’t rely on them the way I did with my FP, … I was happy not to have that intense bond with anyone else.” [33]

[primalspice]

Ratbro?: A3, A4, A17, B7, B13, C1, C4, D3, E1, E8, F1, F7, F11, G1, G2, H8, I6, J2, L2, L4

Ray Mond

A3: Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? 

i havent officially diagnosed him with anything but really just the average of what you'd expect from a guy revived from the brink of death then kept captive for like 30 years. he's depressed and pretty intensely hypervigilant. his social skills leave much to be desired and he has relatively severe memory loss issues. lobotomy victim. overall he's just extremely disoriented now that he's existing in greater society once again, which is partially due to his disorders but also to be completely expected with circumstances like that. he doesnt know what's going on really or how to fix it, he just would like it to finally stop.

A4: Are they a pessimist or an optimist? 

In his youth he was certainly an optimist. it's one of the things harvey looked up to him for. even after his resurrection i think he was at least Grateful, for an amount of time, that he was given a second chance. he's really been through the wringer tho LOL idk if he has much faith in humanity doing the right thing, even if it Sounds like the right thing at face value cough cough

A17: What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

he was proud of himself for finally completing his military training and makin it to the real deal!! that didnt last very long!!

B7: How do they respond to babies crying in public?

it activates the suddenly-easily-agitated switch in his brain and he has to walk away before he ends up questioning his desires to be injure infant children.

B13: Do they have a large or small group of friends?

he was quite popular in his youth, but he doesn't really have friends now though at all unless you want to count faust trying really hard to be his 'bestie'. He was somewhat social when he was at the facility on a good day, but there weren't many good days.

C1: Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

he's pretty much just been living in survival mode, not necessarily by any strong moral code. he believes in helping his peers whenever he can but thats really the only thing he's certain about. the political climate is completely different from when he was 20 vs when he was in the facility vs now so he doesn't really feel he's got enough backstory to determine who's in the right/wrong. his moral code never ran very deep in the first place, it pretty much exclusively consisted of like. protect/help others. be a nice person. he never felt any reason to make it more complex than that, thats why he joined the military <3

C4: Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

i think that he's well aware that his general aptitude is lower than that of the average Region Zero citizen (maybe not as low he believes tbh) because of all his lost years, so in that way he feels lesser. I don't think he sees himself as being any more/less deserving than the next guy tho. faust kinda treats him that way at times but raymond just thinks hes weird LOL

D3: How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

he would love to finally die LOL he's near 100% comfortable with it and is deeply troubled by the fact that he couldve died relatively painlessly several times, but now he gets to just continue living in more and more pain instead because someone decades ago decided that more population = more prosperity

E1: Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

he's not highly intelligent but he's certainly not stupid. just average. i think his kindness (give or take a few lashing-out's) and willingness to cooperate certainly outshine his smarts. he's quite ignorant of anything to have happened in the last 25 years (can't blame him) and even before everything happened he was quite simple-minded but certainly intelligent in an interpersonal way... kinda refreshing in a place like this LOL. i think he'd claim he's dumber than he actually is.

E8: What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets?

I think he'll come to regret working with faust, just because he doesnt want to be part of a whole sabotage scheme (nonetheless one against his own sister, as soon as he gets released from 25 years locked up). he really doesn't even want to see her again in this state, it'd be too complicated and tragic. but alas.

F1: What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?

he's living in the office with Faust LOLLL there's a guest bedroom. Faust asked him back to the capital after he 'liberated' the handful of people left at the facility, but kinda just struck him a deal to stay indefinitely. he of course has nowhere else to go, so he decided he would stay. itd be 'an honor to have him as a spokesperson for survivors of region zero's mad science' or something, whatever faust said.

F7: What’s their “dream career” or job situation?

tbh idk if he has one LOL he'd be fine even just being in the military again, or a cashier or something. he just wants a normal life by region zero standards.

F11: What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most?

i dont think he has a ton of hobbies at the ripe age of 45 LOL i bet he'd enjoy a good crossword or something though, or something else mildly mentally stimulating. he's probably read the same few books 10 times each due to the limited material in the facility for all those years. he'd probably be happy to read something new finally.

G1: Is your OC close to their family?

He was pretty close before all the facility stuff, but obviously not anymore. He had a pretty standard relationship with his parents and never caused much trouble, but the relationship was a little weird only since they were relying on him a bit for money. they never asked him to do that tho. he was basically harvey's best friend and role model. he'd still visit them often after he joined the military. everyone looks back upon those times fondly.

G2: Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them?

well his mom and dad are dead (i think he'd already assumed this) so really all that's left is harvey, and she's estranged due to the circumstances. she's still important to him once he figures out she'd still alive, but of course the situation is quite compromised. if this is you asking if he has any children due to the Milking....well maybe.

H8: What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

I DONT THINK HES V PICKY LOLLL. A NICE MEAL AND A MOVIE PERHAPS.

I6: Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

He's learned to over time, since that's pretty much the meal situation in the facility. he does get bored of it quicker than he'd prefer tho </3

J2: How politically aware are they?

unaware as Hell right now but he's about to learn everything that's happened in the past 25 years in 10 minutes faust-style <3 he didnt even know who the damn president was!!!

L2: What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

another one i havent thought about much, but as im typing this i guess im thinking about the irony of his Faust Parallels. Guy who wants to live but is dying against all odds vs guy who wants to die but is living against all odds. guy who has a dead sister he couldnt be there for bcz of his own foolishness vs guy with a somehow alive sister he couldn't be there for (still a fool) etc etc. you get what im sayin?

L4: Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

god no i feel like itd be really awkward even if we ignore the fact that he is double my age. what would we even do. POV:

[iso-enokuthula]

I've been trying to better myself lately, mostly with like self-care, hobbies, that kind of stuff is suppose to make you a well rounded and interesting person. Something I feel I have been lacking in deeply for the last 4 years. Which really sucks. I haven't let myself really think about covid, what it did to me, what it took. A huge chuck of my young adult life, just fucking gone and that really fucking sucks. My mom died 3 weeks before my 21st birthday, I was already in a bad place, depressed, stressed. I already wasn't going to be doing much but I can convince myself that I would have healed and would have been able to have some semblance of a life. But quarantine took that chance. I don't know why its easier to blame covid, cause people die all the time, there's no stopping that but a pandemic doesn't come around very often and its not your fault. How you handle someone dying feels like more your fault. So i guess in blaming covid its more like blame shifting, its not my fault. Well, even if it isn't my fault it is my responsibility. How i handle it is up to me, act don't react. Act don't react, I've heard that thrown around on "Vapid Healing" tiktok but I've never really given it much thought till now. when something happens to you, what do you do? DO you have big emotions that paralyze you, do you sit and think about what is happening to you, becoming bitter, victimed, sad boy about it. That's the reacting, its bad and it can be debilitating. Paralyzing, you get stuck in the tsunami and subsequent flood of you thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Act, do something. When something happens to you and it makes you have big emotions, what is something you can DO to help yourself right now. Go on a walk. Write out the problem and list 5 solutions, them workout to the solution to the first 3. But that's for further away healthier life. Not reacting is very difficult and we aren't there yet. But it is the goal. So you've found yourself floundering in the flood of emotions and its time to act. More often than not, its just a matter of standing up. We've all seen those little 'scenes'?? were a person thinks they're in deep water and they start panicking for a few seconds only to realize they can touch. and then they just stand up and feel silly/embarrassed for how freaked out they were. I think its kind of the same. And once you realize you can stand up, you may be very upset with yourself for how long you panicked, when you could've just stood up. But don't linger in that either. its another react trap!! [also: staying aware of when you are in a react or act decision - very difficult] Now that you are standing, in disappointment and embarrassment, start walking.. but where? This is another difficult part - lots of difficult parts, this is why healing is so hard and not everyone does it. but its only hard because you're doing it for the first time. Its only hard because you don't have the skill set yet. Ok, walking where. you need to take inventory and damage assessment. very uncomfortable things to do. I've been floundering and panicking for 4ish years. where am I. (this is gonna get ugly) a 25 yr old college drop out with no skills, no hobbies, few "friends", and no life experience. ew. that all makes me want to go back in the water. cause treading in misery feels a lot better than standing pathetically in that puddle. welp, were up anyway.

Inventory: what do you have? technically time, there's always time to do things, figuring shit out in your early 20s is bogus. if I bite my tongue and bear it, technically i still have Time. Money: luckily money is not much of a problem, silver linings of a bunch of old white people dying. Autonomy: I have no kids and nothing holding my down to keep me from doing things. well I have dogs but that is work-aroundable. they're small and they can go anywhere and they're pretty great. Skills that I do have: though they may be rusty: writing, talking to people (1 on 1 or in small intimate settings) preparing things, I love to work on things

Damage assessment: i don't have the skills I'm expecting to have, i think, projection? i just don't feel like I'm at where my peers are at? How hard are these skills to fake until i feel like I've developed them enough? experiences - well you're not gonna get those panicking. better start now. what experiences? how do you get them? make a plan health - this is a hard one for me. after 4 years of being depressed, and I've been using the analogy of panic drowning in water but in reality that looks a lot like laying in bed wishing. wishing you were somewhere else of someone else, wish you had don't things differently, wishing fantasies to make reality go away. its all very painful hating yourself and the life you've forced yourself to endure. Health has definitly gone way down hill.

Choices / Paths (where to go out of water) fix up and sell house to move back home with dad and take care of him -fix up house anyway (itll make you feel better) just in case you have to go home full time suddenly. Best one -when to go back to dad? how to know when he needs me vs when hell ask if ever. -how long will i be there? -what to do once im there? -get a job to develope skills - bonus: credit score -find hobbies and get better at them "developing skills" and then find groups to talk to people within those interest. talk to people is good for well being

As you begin managing and truly implementing these things in your life, youll find more things can be added and removed from each list. maybe you realize there are something you have that you didnt realize, maybe theres something you thought you had but turns out nope. maybe in damages something isnt as bad as it seems, maybe something needs more attention than you realized. new choices come along after plans are set in motion, some choice you realize you don't actually want.

act dont react.

well i think thatll be all for now. Its good to take these things in baby steps, dont overwhelm yourself and start floundering again. Also, too much planning i have found is also bad, you make so many plans or commitments that the next day all of it is overwhelming and too much to do so you dont do any of it. 3 things to do the next day are a lot easier than 10. so 3 things to do:

list what needs to be fixed order those things in most time consuming - construction wise the least time consuming - make detailed list on how to get it done and set that in motion.

[this-is-moony-lovegood]

Okay, I really don’t have time to write this but now you’ve got me thinking. How dare you combine two if my fav shows and make me do this! Ugh.

Buck - Obviously Oliver. You’re right, I love this angle for him. It would be a little harder to see him straight up killing people, but Oliver Queen does have that marshmallowy interior under all that pain and suffering, so I like it. We’ll also say he was 19 when the was shipwrecked.

Eddie - I like the Diggle angle here, make him the bodyguard. Eddie hates him at first because he’s always slipping away from him, and so on. We’ll follow the Eddie plot of teen dad ish, and joined the army before becoming a bodyguard. Maybe we’d leave the Shannon thread open for if she needed to be a connection later on down the road.

Maddie - Thena, except she has to be younger in this than Buck. Just a couple of years younger. I’m think 17 when Buck is 19 (so two years younger). Maybe a senior in high school? The point is she’d need someone to look after her while she finishes school. I’ll come back to that in a minute. She’s also a nurse at the hospital in the Glades by that time Buck comes back.

Philip Buckley and Margaret Buckley - okay they’re the queens but with a twist. So Daniel would still of had leukemia, but he’d be significantly older than Buck and Maddie. The Buckleys had Buck for spare parts, and the transplant worked, and he was in remission for about a year when he relapsed. So they tried again with Maddie, but Daniel died before she was born. So combine grief with post-partum depression and Margaret Buckley unalives herself. So no Moira Queen in this. Maddie and Buck grow up with only Phillip Buckley, who is a mess. Uses them for public events only to keep his image up, or to schmooze clients. But he drinks and he blames Buck for not actually being able to save Daniel, and for killing Margaret as a result. So Buck hears that his whole life, which is not great. The reason he’s on the boat with his dad in the first place is because his dad needs him to go for a father/son trip for some major client that they are trying to schmooze. Buck doesn’t want to be there, but he is because he doesn’t get access to his trust fund until he’s 25.

Bobby - We still need Bobby to be involved somehow, so I’m thinking he’s Phillip’s second in command at the company. He’s always been around, so he knows Buck and Maddie. He sees how Phillip is with them, and does his best to take care of them when he can, and buys them birthday presents and shit like that. He’s the only one that seems to care about them besides their nanny. Bobby doesn’t really like Phillip but plans on staying at the company until Buck and Maddie are able to leave the house and have their trust funds. He just wants them to be okay. Since Phillip doesn’t have Margaret anymore, and trusts literally no one besides Bobby, he leaves custody of Buck and Maddie to him in his will. So Bobby is the one to take over the company and raise Maddie while she’s still in school. She stays at the house with Bobby while she’s in college and nursing school. She has no interest in taking over the company. Bobby grieves Buck very hard, but doesn’t go back to drinking for Maddie’s sake.

May - May is gonna be our Sarah Lance. I know you’re gonna be like, Whoa for a second but think about it. If we have age down Maddie, we can age up May. I think that Maddie and May were best friends, and May, and therefore close with Buck, too. Now, I have no interest in making Buck and May a thing because gross - that’s like his sister - but I can see May rebelling with her parents pending divorce and after hearing about Buck being forced to go on this trip with his dad (but at least he gets to get drunk) sneaking on it with Buck to make sure he’s not alone (and to get drunk herself). Buck doesn’t know she’s on it until they’re about to leave and knows his dad is gonna be pissed, but let’s her stay because she’s right, he’d rather have a friend with him. This also allows the door to open for her return as the Black Canary!

Athena - Athena is our cop, Quinten Lance. She’s hot on the trail of the arrow, but also, she hates Buck. She thinks it was Buck’s idea to bring May in the Gambit with him, and blames him for her death. She thought they may have been dating, even when Buck assures her that she’s wrong, but it doesn’t matter. She and Bobby eventually get together, idk how yet.

Taylor Kelly - Taylor is your Laurel Lance. She’s a journalist instead of a lawyer though, and is trying to get the scoop on the Arrow. She and Buck were dating before the Gambit sunk. She too believed that Buck had snuck May into the Gambit because she was cheating on him. Buck still cares about her, but the longer he’s back in Starling City, the more he’s realizing that what he was trying to rekindle with Taylor isn’t nearly as close as to what he has with Eddie.

Chimney - Chimney is Tommy Merlin, except there is no way in hell we’re gonna let him die because I can’t do that. He was best friends with Buck before Buck “died” and always had a major crush on Maddie. He and Maddie got really close while Buck was gone, and Buck is surprised to find out they’re not dating when he gets back. He thought for sure they would be, and is gonna have to convince them to go for it. Also, I think that Chimney works at his dad’s company, but would much rather be doing something else. Maybe he’s taking night classes to be a paramedic? He’s gonna quit then company once he passes, to work at a fire station in the Glades near where Maddie works.

Chimney’s Dad - Chimney’s dad is out Malcom Merlin. Gotta have an evil mastermind, and if we need him related to Chimney this works. He owns his own company, and works closely with Bobby now, but Bobby wouldn’t call them friends. Bobby’s not in the loop on the whole blowing up the Glades plan, even if Buck suspects he might for a hot minute.

Hen - Hen is our Felicity Smoak. We’ve gotta have our Tech guru, and you’re right, Eddie is way too big of a technophobe for this. I think it could be funny if Buck and Eddie are communicating in coms/flirting and Hen has to tell them she can still hear them and Eddie grumbles about technology. It’s a common thing. Also, maybe Karen works in the applied sciences division at the company, so that’s how Karen and Hen meet. Idk how make her besties with Chimney though. Still working on it…

Carla - I think Carla was Buck and Maddie’s nanny when they were growing up. When Eddie needs someone to help with Christopher, Buck suggests Carla because of her first hand knowledge of how good she is. After Maddie got old enough, she moved to home health, so she’ll have the skills and knowledge to help get Chris everything that he needs.

Maybe I’ll write this, or maybe someone can take this and expand on it! We can call it a shared work if need be because I think I need a fuller plot to make it happen. 😂

Somebody write Green Arrow Buddie bc my brain won’t STFU about it but I don’t have the time 😭🤣

Buck - Oliver Queen (bc I want Chris in this universe, & don’t see a way to do that with Eddie as Oliver)

Eddie - I really want Eddie to be his bodyguard, even if that’s not how they do it in the show. I feel like Oliver Queen/Eddie & Felicity Smoke/Buck could work, but idk, I don’t see Eddie “Technophobe” Diaz working in IT 🤣

Obviously Athena is the cop, Maddie is Thea.

I have no idea who Laurel or Sarah are bc Sarah & Thea are my FAVORITE people in that show & I don’t feel like I connected with any of the female LI’s in the way necessary to cast them as Sarah Lance, White Canary & leader of the Time Gang 😩

Get that confusing divorced/estranged relationship that Diggle & his wife had with Eddie & Shannon (without them getting together again tho, bc this is a Buddie fic & Eddie & Shannon were not meant to stay married in any universe 🙅🏻‍♀️)

Connor can be Tommy & die in the 2nd episode or whatever it was, idc.

Margaret Buckley will never be Moira Queen, & I can honestly see Philip Buckley trying to save his own ass instead of sacrificing himself for Buck, so maybe Buck comes back & is all vigilante because of his shitty dad, instead of for him, ykwim? So obviously Bobby is around somehow & he and Athena are the parents Buck deserves. (Nobody dies tho, that’s very important to me 🤣)

Idk. I haven’t seen Arrow in forever, but my brain was yelling about it this morning. I feel like it would only work for the first season or two, before they start doing crossovers & fighting aliens and shit bc then it would just be too complicated 😅

Tumblr writers, pls take this from me 🙏🙏