#SATURN IF YOU SEE THIS I SWEAR I WILL WATCH GEM

[neonkoii]

i’m finally watching empires smp B)

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Family Dynamics.”

Thought you guys might enjoy this today.

A lot of you have been asking for more Conn in the stories, so I hope you enjoy :)

“Wow, would you look at that.”

“No.”

“Wow.” “No. Hopping on the nope train and taking a ride to nopeville….. Nope absolutely not.”

“Come on, Krill, isn’t it just….. Just awesome!.”

“That, that right there is an absolute  raging death trap.” “Oh come on>” Adam said, hands on his hips as he stared up at the rocket.. THe Saturn V replica down to the last bolt. He grinned and danced around on his toes in a circle, “This is gonna be so cool!”

Krill turned to look at Adam, “No, no this is not cool, Adam. I am serious this time, not joking. I really don’t want you going in that thing. And with the assassination attempts and…. All that is going on with the GA leaders….” He looked at Adam Very pointedly here, “I don’t think you should do this.”

“Are you serious, a once in a lifetime opportunity and you want me to just say no because there is a possibility someone Might try to kill me?”

“Um…. YES.”

Adam crossed his arms, “Krill, I refuse to let myself live in fear when there is life to be lived.”

Krill turned to look hopefully over at Eris who was standing quietly by his side. She shook her head at him.

“He isn’t going to change his mind.”

“Can you at least try?”

She sighed, “Ok.”

Gently Eris took one of his hands forcing him to look at her, “Da…..Adam think about it please, there are a lot of powerful people after you, powerful and with resources. If they want to kill you, then this will be the perfect time to do it. They could put it off as some horrible accident, and no one would be the wiser.” She paused as he looked back at her, “I can see that this isn’t going to change your mind either.”

He smiled, “This is what I have my people for.” HE took the two of them by the shoulders and led them to where they could overlook the command station in the distance, “In there, right now, there are elements of the criminal underworld that owe me a favor, looking for any clues to indicate an attempt on my life.” He grinned, “Also, I have two secret weapons.”

He put his arm around Eris and then turned his head to look up at the sky.

Eris and Krill followed his lead.

Krill groaned, and Eris went wide eyed.

As a starborn descended from the sky ribbons flapping hands outstretched dropping from heaven like an ethereal angel. Sunlight bounced off his skin as he moved slowly downward hands held out to the side fingers outstretched. She stepped forward and- was immediately hit with a wall of his thoughts.

She no longer saw him as ethereal.

He was an asshole.

Conn drifted towards the ground but didn’t touch ribbons swirling around him seaweed undulating in a dark sea: Yes her thoughts about him had changed that much, he had gone from angel to seaweed rather quickly in her head.

He turned his eyes to her.

‘Who invited you’

Eris frowned, “I-

Adam glowered at Conn, “Be nice to her.”

Conn turned his head to look at Eris and drifted closer looking her over, ‘Oh daddy issues I see, well who doesn't.” He turned to look up at Adam, ‘Gotta love people borrowing your DNA for craft projects especially when they give you kids a little too early.”

Adam was not able to hide the thought that came marching to the forefront of his mind.

You know that’s interesting considering your starborn DNA was the most easily accessible before Eris was born.

He didn’t say it out loud, but he didn’t need to.

Eris made a face, and Conn drew back.

“HIM!”

Shit, Adam thought

“I never said that.”

“But you were thinking it.” She retorted turning on him with her eyes narrowed before turning to look back at Conn, who floated in shock behind her.

Adam held up his hands, “Woah now, I can’t be for sure, it just makes sense.”

Eris turned back to where Conn was floating and made another face, “But, but HIM. I don’t want…. I, I can’t be related to HIM.”

Adam sighed, “Being able to read his thoughts must be a bitch eh?”

Of course at the moment Conn wasn’t really having any thoughts. It was mostly just TV static with an undercurrent of the thoughts of people around him amplifying them even more in Eris’s head. Which is why she could hear Dr Krill quietly inching away as he wondered if he should tell them or nah?

He hd suspected as much the moment they had seen Eris, and learned that the DNA being used was Adam’s.

It had been easy enough to get Adam’s DNA strands from the original hybrids….. The adaptids….. But they would have needed other aliens to pair him with. And there was only one known starborn available to steal DNA from.

Conn’s static continued.

Eris groaned and put her hands to her head.

Adam rubbed his forehead, “Well, on the bright side, you turned out more like your human side of the family.” That’s when the static in Conn’s head fizzled out and he turned to look at Adam. With a sudden Evil grin, which he must have been practicing, for it seemed far to human for him, He floated over and grabbed both of them around the shoulders, “Isn’t this sweet, now we can all be one big happy family.’

“Get off me Conn.” Adam grumbled 

He just squeezed tighter, though as a starborn the strength was somewhat lacking. ‘Don’t talk like that, you and I have a beautiful daughter together. Just look at her. She’s got your internal organs and my skin. Isn’t that lovely.”

“Conn I swear if you keep touching me I will punch you and probably break something.”

Conn made like he was sighing as he pulled away, “You know, as her parents we should really be trying to set an example for a healthy loving relationship. A family that plays together-”

He floated away quickly before Adam could swipe at him missing the strike by mere inches.

“Domestic assault in this household!”

Eris hid her face in her hands, “Oh no.”

She was definitely not sure how she was supposed to feel about this. One the one hand, she was at least glad that he wasn’t repulsed by the idea of her existing. However, on the other hand, it was likely that her paternal starborn side was Conn! The thought made her nauseous . Reading his thoughts made her feel the same way. Clearly this creature, whatever he was had never grown out of petty pranks, and intense sarcasm.

More annoyingly, he seemed to have the ability to hide things from her just by NOT thinking about them. She learned nothing about his past, or really his more internal thoughts. He only let her see what she wanted to see, and what he wanted her to see made her more annoyed the more she thought about it.

“I’m so excited, aren't you. Finally reunited at last!”

Adam sighed, “This is now how I planned this. Conn you stupid bastard, I called you down here to do a job for me.”

“You wouldn’t call your hubby stupid would you?”

Adam looked like he was about to turn green, “Never in a million years would I ever even consider that. In fact, I think I would rather shoot myself out the airlock an have all the nitrogen bubble out of my blood thank you very much.:”

“One night stands happen.”

“Conn I swear if you keep going down this metaphor. I am going to commit murder. Never in a million years would I touch you with a nine and a half foot pole, end of story.”

“Excuse me for being skeptical as you have been known to date aliens in the past.”

“That was Sunny, who is arguably, not even arguably, but she IS smart, talented, funny, a total badass, and a fucking gem, while you are a creepy little space gremlin.”

“Yet I have a kid with you and she doesn’t sooooooo, forgive me if I say I win.”

“We can’t be for sure that she’s yours.”

“I demand a paternity test.”

“Conn, if you don’t let this go right now I am going to rip your spine out through your back and let Waffles chew on it.”

“Bold of you to assume I have a spine.”

Adam took a eep long-suffering breath, “I am done with this conversation, now I called you down here for a reason, and that reason is that I need you two watching out for something going wrong. Eris, as a member of my family you will be allowed inside mission control to watch what is going on. Your job is to make sure that no one is planning my death from the inside.” he turned his head in Conn’s direction and flipped him the bird as he continued to speak, “You on the other hand are in charge of the engineers. I know you don’t give a shit about boundaries, so your job is to hang around the engineers and the rocket hangers to see if any of them had a hand in sabotaging the mission. If you can get near the chairwoman, or the UN President, than do what you can. I need to know how deep all of this goes.” He turned his head to Eris, “You are probably going to be able to get closer to everyone than Conn can. People know he is a starborn and they know what he can do. No one will assume  anything about you if you keep your head low.”

She smiled, “Already done.” A little part of her leaped inside, and she felt giddy. Adam needed her to help protect him! She was being useful for once! Not to mention that this meant he trusted her and….. She turned a side eye on conn, Then again, that probably meant that Adam trusted him too.

The starborn grinned at her again, showing rows and rows of of sharp circular teeth.

She winced and looked away.

Gross 

“I have to get going, but you two should get to work. This is going to be a long week.”

He whistles once, and Waffles jumped up from where she had been resting at his side, and gently trotted after him as he walked away back towards the command station. Eris started after him and Conn floated up next to her.

“What an unexpectedly delightful day, don’t you think.”

“Can you be less creepy please.”

“It runs in the family Eris, you have the creepy inside you too. Embrace it!”

She shoved him away with one hand and ran to catch up with Adam.

She could hear conn laughing behind her as he floated away towards the hangers.

She glanced over his shoulder as she grabbed onto Adam’s arm, “Why is he so weird!”

Adam shrugged, “I think something happened to him when he was first born. I would say that he was dropped on his head, but that’s probably not accurate. Think i heard something about him having been isolated from his clan for the first few thousand years with his dead mother, but I don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just something he made up. Either way I think whatever happened to him kind of made him psycho.”

She glanced over her shoulder to the figure floating off into the distance, “Than why do you keep him around?”

He sighed, “Unfortunately, his abilities are invaluable. The ability to bring him alone when it comes to negotiations, or to talk with new alien species speeds up both diplomatic missions and learning new languages.” He sighed, “Also, as far as I can tell he is pretty loyal. He always does everything I ask him to do as long as it is important enough. Sure if I asked him to pick up after himself he’d probably flip me the bird and go floating in the other direction. But every time something big and important has happened, he has always been relatively reliable. A part of me wonders if he just doesn’t know how to interact with people, and somewhere deep down there is a desire to be wanted, but that’s not something I can prove.” He glanced pointedly at her.

She shook her head, “Sorry, he’s pretty good at hiding what’ he’s thinking.”

Adam grunted, “A real pity. Now-” He turned to look at her, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eye, “Stay low. If you hear anything, don’t try to do anything about it yourself. Call my ship, either Sunny or Ramirez and they will deal with everything. If you see someone wearing a red pin with a white rocket on it, then those are our undercover guys, and they should be able to help you too. But it’s likely you will know who they are anyway.”

He looked her in the eyes, “Whatever happens, your safety comes first, not mine. You got that/”

She nodded eagerly even though she knew that last instruction was a lie.

He was more important than her.

And she was going to make sure that he stayed safe.

[80smikewheeler]

I was tagged by @maplestreet83 and @bikingthroughhawkins ✨✨ THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!!!! YOU’RE THE REAL MVPS!!! 💖💖

Rules: 1) Post the rules 2) Answer the questions given to you by the tagger 3) Write 11 questions of your own 4) And tag 11 people!

Because I got tagged by both Kaisa and Lex, I’m going to answer Lex’s questions, only because, I couldn’t find Kaisa’s post again in my notifs, and Lex’s were at the top of my feed! ✨

1. If you were a pair of shoes, what would you be?

Hahaha! How very unusual…(hey it’s Lex though! What can I expect? 😉 Ily) Hmm…idk really? I guess I’d be a pair of Vans or Converse possibly? Hahaha

2. Which planet in the solar system do you identify with most?

Oooh yeasss! I love space so much!! ✨ I wouldn’t say I ‘identify’ with it, but I do REALLY like Saturn, it’s my favourite planet!! It’s just so pretty and wow!! I know that it’d be very lethal, if it did happen, but if it wasn’t…I’d love it, if we could see Saturn really close up from Earth, like how we can see the moon in the night sky! (Oddly, I actually went through a period a few months ago, where for like 3 days straight, I had dreams, which at some point, involved Saturn being in them?! It was very peculiar…)

If I have to identify with one of them though, let’s say: Uranus, because…BANTERRR hahaha

3. If you had a POP Vinyl made of you, what’s the one thing it would need to have?

Ooh cool question!! Idk…glasses? Since I wear them lmao! Or like really cool, pink hair or something HAHHAA!

4. You can only kill off one: Ted or Billy?

I’m gonna say Billy!

5. Steve & bat or Steve & dish towel?

STEVE AND BAT!!! They’re his babiessss haha!

6. Dad Steve or Mom Steve?

Mum Steve! Come on…

7. What’s your go-to karaoke song?

Probably either, 'Don’t You Forget About Me’, or 'Mamma Mia’ by the legendary ABBA!

8. Favourite 80’s film?

BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!!! ITS MY ALL TIME FAVEEEE! I HAVE A REAL OBSESSION WITH IT, LIKE FOR REALZ!! I also used to have a MAHOUSSIVE crush on Marty McFly bhahaha, damn those skateboard skillzzzz!! 😍 But yeah, I proper love BTTF, it’s such a feel good, awesome film, and I love the mix of 80s and 50s aesthetic!! Um, Lorraine Baines anyone? Damn, those clothes!!

9. What’s a really cheesy tv/movie/book trope that you love?

Ugh, it has to be when two people are like best friends and they have such a close and strong relationship, and they end up falling for each other, and they only realise, that after all this time, they’ve always had feelings for each other, deep down!! CHEESE FEST!!! Bhaha!

10. What food do you need when binge watching a TV show?

CHOCOLATE! POPCORN! ANYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON REALLY! I’m a BIG FOODIE lmaoooo!

11. Steve and Dustin. Name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait.

FCCCCCK I AGREE SO MUCHHHH! CAN THEY JUST GET THEIR OWN SPIN OFF SERIES ALREADY? LIKE,,,,COME ON DUFFERS, THAT ISN’T TOO MUCH TO ASK NOW, IS IT?

BONUS:

12. And of course, it wouldn’t be an @BikingThroughHawkins questionnaire if it didn’t ask the most important question of all: WHAT IS YOUR ALL TIME FAVOURITE MEME?

LEXXXXX!! OMFGG! YES GIRL! HAHAHA! If we’re talking Stranger Things, then probably that one that came out recently on @officialstrangerthings_ Instagram, about Finn drinking out of a bidet and being traumatised by it!!! BAHHAHAA I DIEDDDDDDD! Oh Finn… But, if we’re talking regular memes, then I’d say that one where it’s like, Friend: Hey! I’ll be over in 10 minutes! Are you ready? And then me: there’s a picture of this like weird soft toy or something and it looks like it’s bald and all gross, and that’s literally me, because I’m NEVER ready for anything and literally have a reputation for being late hahaha!!

I loved these questions! Thanks Lexington, you GEM!!! 💋✨

My 11 questions are:

1. What’s your favourite 80s song?

2. Do you have any special skills or talents that you haven’t told many people about?

3. Coca Cola or Pepsi?

4. Do you have a favourite swear word, and if so, what is it?

5. Are you in any other fandoms?

6. What is your all time favourite blog?

7. What’s your 11:11 wish?

8. Would you rather get a piggyback from Pennywise, or kiss the Demogorgan?

9. If you could only hang out with ONE of the ST cast for a day, who would it be and what would you do?

10. if you could only hang out with ONE of the ST characters for a day, who would it be, and what would you do?

11. Ride on the back of Mike’s bike, or on the back of Max’s skateboard?

Im tagging: @eggos-and-chocolate-pudding (PS FOLLOW THIS GIRL!!! SHE’S NEW AND AWESOME AF!!!) @angelicwheeler @altereggos @itstoziertrash @dadhopper @sincerely-millie @phoenixartt @wheeler-tozier @michaelxbyers @alabasterswriting @elevenmlke

[rantsaboutponies]

Equestria Girls: Legend of Everfree

Can they please stop making these? I don’t budget my time well, it’s 2:30 in the morning, I want to go to bed. Just remember, I’m doing this for YOU guys. For YOU guys.

For the record, I wait until the last minute to write these reviews because they usually take almost three times the length of the movie to write. It’s also why I can’t watch them on TV; I have to pause constantly.

First of all, I didn’t hear jack shit about this movie. I think the viewership for each one really is dwindling. I barely even saw any porn of it! That is surprising!

Second of all, was this one ever available on Netflix? I swear I streamed the third one there, but now it doesn’t even have a listing (nor does the fourth one). Hopefully the version I got is the uncut version (it’s not a TV rip, and the runtime does match), but if I left anything out, be sure to tell me. Oh, and I’ve given up on that list of “things that all these movies do that directly contradict the fact that this universe intersects with the pony universe” that I tried to carry over into the second movie’s review, so keep that in mind.

Oh, and can anyone let me know if they see a trailer for My Little Pony: The Movie in the theater? It comes out in four months, and I’ve been at almost all of the kids’ movies this year (yes, even Rock Dog, which actually wasn’t half-bad, and The Boss Baby, which was not as bad as the trailers made it look but was still the worst of the kids’ movies I’ve seen this year [which isn’t actually surprising, since there have only been three]; I’m still not seeing Smurfs, though, and I’m sure as fuck not seeing Spark: A Space Tail), and I’ve seen nothing about it. I’ll make a separate post about that closer to October.

All right, the review proper starts...NOW!

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: DO THESE HIGH-SCHOOLERS HAVE PARENTS?! SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE THEY?

Thirty seconds. Thirty FUCKING seconds. That’s how long it was before Pinkie Pie made me want to strangle her. Literally. Thirty seconds. Her first line. Fantastic impression you’re making on me, movie.

All right, Rainbow Dash throwing a picture of herself into the suitcase is certainly part of the annoying one-dimensional writing that she (and really, all of the characters) has had in these movies, but...I’m sorry, I still laughed. Forgive me.

Wow, the...uh...plot just started right away, didn’t it? I’m so confused. I sure hope this is a dream sequence because otherwise this is really stupid. Oh, okay, it was. Never mind.

Ah, the indie rock craze has finally hit Human Equestria. You guys are, like, five years behind on that, you know. I gotta be honest, though, I kinda like this theme song. I feel like it would sound better with different singers, but I’m digging this so far. Maybe this movie won’t be so bad? Ah heh heh heh...

I briefly forgot that Human!Twilight’s Spike was magically given the ability to talk at the end of EQG3, so I was thrown off there for a second. I just realized, though, that that means that they don’t ever have to have any connection to Pony!Equestria ever again. Smart idea, but Pinkie’s summary of the previous three movies immediately afterwards negates what you were going for there (especially since none of that has anything to do with the plot of this movie directly).

“You’ll get used to it.” Yeah, you’d better get used to your “friends” talking shit about you to your face. The second movie was full of that. *sigh*

Oh, goody, Professor Umbridge is the camp director. Please tell me she gets dragged off by centaurs at the end of this movie, too.

“Stay away from the rock quarry. That’s off-limits. Unless, of course, you’re a main character, in which case the plot will facilitate that you go there at some point during this movie, probably somewhere near the end. Just a heads-up.” (Also, “rock quarry” is redundant, dumbasses.)

Actually, the word “sapphire”’s link to the Latin “sapphir” (or “sappir” or “sapphīrus”) links to the Ancient Greek “sáppheiros”, meaning “precious stone” or “gem”, which probably linked to a Semitic source (similar to Hebrew’s “sappī́r”, referring to lapis lazuli), but may be related to a non-Semitic source such as the Sanskrit “śanipriya”, meaning “dark-colored stone” or, literally, “dear to Saturn”. And, as an interesting sidenote, the Ancient Greeks didn’t even have a word for “blue”. Also, rubies are not just sapphires “with chromium”; rubies are corundum with chromium. Sapphires contain other impurities like titanium, iron, or magnesium (which give them any of a number of non-red colors) that rubies may not contain at all; since chromium is what colors them red, chromium is the only impurity required to make a ruby. So, in other words, shut your fucking face, you smug dipshit.

By GOD, I hope Gloriosa is the villain because I really hate her.

See, even though Filthy Rich is, well, filthy rich and could very easily be an upper-class dickhead, the show never made him one. He’s clearly not aware what an utter bitch his daughter is, since he punished her for it the one time he found out, but he has always been depicted as someone who cares about his community and acts kindly towards the other ponies in the town without being condescending or displaying any obvious class distinction. It is something notably unique about the show and is something I’ve actually admired amidst its recent waning quality.

The people writing this movie apparently didn’t know that and just went, “His name is Filthy Rich? He must be the VILLAIN!” Goddamnit, you fucking worthless TV movies.

Oh, man, oh, man, please tell me that Princess Celestia is holding a flute there in the background because she’s telling a “This one time, at band camp” story. I’ve already made that joke at least five times in my head by now, so please tell me I’m justified.

Holy shit, look at that setup! These girls get massive tents with only two people in each and with FULL-SIZE BEDS! So much for “roughing it”! How big is this camp again? This must take up a ludicrous amount of space.

Please tell me they’re not going to do Sunset Shimmer’s storyline again with Twilight. Come on.

No, Sunset, if there’s anyone you should be nervous around, it’s Pinkie Pie.

Okay, Fluttershy’s line about “birds that land on your finger” WAS funny until you felt the need to explain the joke with Rainbow Dash’s “I think that only happens to you.” Rule #1 of comedy: Don’t! Explain! The joke!

Does Vinyl Scratch have an amazing wireless connection, or do her headphones themselves contain an MP3 player? I don’t see those working any other way.

Can I punch Timber in the face yet?

How the hell would you make that dock into a catwalk? The only way that would work would be if either the models entered from or the audience were seated in the water. Otherwise, the models will be walking away from the audience and not easily visible for the majority of their time on the runway. You’ve gotta think about logistics, Rarity!

PUNCH.

Hmm...Gaia Everfree’s story is kind of weak. And arbitrary. “YOU CAN’T STAY!” “Oh, please let us stay!” “WELL...OKAY. BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO LEAVE! EVENTUALLY! AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE!”

25 minutes in is a little late for your first song, guys. I was starting to think this wasn’t going to be a musical.

Oh, thank GOD, Timber is a villain, too. That means we’ll get to WATCH HIM DIE. ... Okay, fine, wishful thinking. Hell, being the villain in these movies (or on the show) pretty much guarantees that you’ll get even more screentime in later installments. (Also, he apparently can’t hear anything that’s right next to him as long as he’s offscreen. Right.)

Of course, the scene in the cafeteria reminded me of this.

And in the next scene, it’s impossible not to think of this.

So... Rarity’s just...useless. That’s been established, right?

Goddamnit, Pinkie, stop being a menace! You almost killed all of your friends! Again!

Hmm...this song sounds like a really lame, low-rent version of this.

Wha? You mean the obvious villain is obviously a villain? NO. (Except I guess that means that Timber isn’t a villain as well. Damn.)

Boy, it’s really convenient that Gloriosa is having these extremely lengthy and detailed flashbacks while they all just stand there, totally unbothered by Sunset zoning out and holding onto her arm.

I do like that they made dummies of Twilight and Sunset just because they weren’t there for the dress rehearsal. How long do you think that took?

“I GOT THIS!” That’s got to be one of the weakest things I’ve ever heard that someone tried to turn into a catchphrase.

Well, looks like someone really liked Maleficent.

I gotta ask...has there ever been a good villain song in the MLP movies or the show?

“Oh, no! She’s forming a wall that clearly has an upper bound! If only we had some sort of appendages that we could use to project our bodies upward! No, I think we had better wait until the vines completely form a dome over us. Surely that will work.”

I think the writers are trapped in this paradox of knowing that they have an actual interesting character in Sunset Shimmer but being forced to focus all their efforts on the Mane Six because they’re the main characters, despite having no personalities to speak of.

“What are these?” “I’m not sure! But clearly they will be in stores alongside the release of this movie!”

Ah, so you got out of the logistical failure of trying to figure out how the dock could act as a runway by canceling the fashion show altogether! Wow.

Okay, this song is definitely one of the better ones in this movie series, but holy crap, get some stronger singers. I mean, all right, I know you can’t, but...can’t you, like, release an official cover of this song recorded by an actual singer, like Disney does with their animated musicals?

I do always love the moronic cliché of the villain showing up at the ending celebration for no logical reason other than to scowl at the protagonists and storm off angrily.

You know, there are only so many features and accessories and superpowers you can add to these characters before you start running out of places to put them.

*GASP* OH MY GOD THAT ENDING CLIFFHANGER MEANT NOTHING! Seriously, fuck off with that shit.

And of course, the stinger has to show that Pinkie Pie always ruins everything. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.

All right, so in conclusion...these movies are all the same. I mean, I think we kind of established that already, but man...

Can we just give Sunset Shimmer her own movie? One where she just fucks off by herself and finds better friends with actual personalities and they all do something interesting? Can that be the next theatrical movie? Please?

[eightlegbuilders]

Honesty: Well if I had to choose the #1 reason, I would have myself taken this one. As someone who has a website called honestastrologer.com and email ID honestastrologer@gmail.com it shows my allegiance to honesty. In fact I was surprised when I was able to find the domain and mail ID which was free, guess I was blessed, and guess most astrologers did not value honesty enough to create a mail ID that would have been free. But I do.

I have bluntly told people what they did NOT want to hear, but that was for their own good. Here are a few examples:

I tell them to forget about a government job if they are from General Category no yantra or gemstone can get them one. (I lose several clients who have this as their major question. I could have earned consultancy fee and could have sold them a lot of things assuring them of a government job, but I don’t)

I tell people that I can’t get their “Lost Love Back”. I have disappointed many desperate people who were willing to pay any price. I guess exploiting them would have got me several lakhs but I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night, so honesty is the best policy.

I tell them there is no magic bullet. Again some people feel disappointed when I say remedies would show effect after 21-40 days and it would be a slow recovery. I believe they would have been happy to buy a costly item if I tell them some crap lie “100% result in 4 hours”. Imagine the money I could have made. Ah the honesty…!

Money Back Guarantee: I put my money where my mouth is, I give a preliminary reading and if that NOT 80% or more accurate, I give them their money back. No questions asked. I guess I am the only one in the world who does that. Let me know if there is one.

I do all consultations myself: I don’t have a team of half baked astrologers who would impersonate being “G. Vijay Kumar” and would consult many people daily, making me rich while I sleep. For the record, many big names in the market do that. This is the worst kept secret of astrology business. I don’t do this.

Limited Number of Consultations: I do only 4-5 consultations a day. More than that and it becomes a mechanical process. I give my 100% to every consultation and I DON’T look at the watch when I consult.

NOT YOUR TYPICAL PUNDIT JI: I am not your typical pundit ji who has never been to an office in life and has no clue how things go on in the real world. I have been a student, a government job aspirant (yeah), and a corporate guy. By education I am MBA and L.Lb. My corporate career culminated at a Senior Management position in Human Resources with a reputed multinational. So, been there done that. I know how things work in the real world knowledge and human resources experience comes in hand So I am more of a FRIEND PHILOSOPHER GUIDE…!

Putting LOGICAL in Astrological: I take pride in putting LOGICAL back in Astrological. I would tell you what you need to do in the real world as well. For example I can tell you to improve your diet and exercise, if I see chances of diabetes or weight gain in your chart. I would tell you to stop preparing for UPSC if you are a general category person (yes). I would tell you to see a doctor if I see chances of depression in your chart. So I blend the real world solutions with astrological remedies. Ideally, that’s what an astrologer should do.

Affordable: My clients keep telling me that I charge less, many have made donations using my site in order to make it up to me. My team is after my life to push rates further but 501/- is where I have decided to put the stop. I want to reach out to people who really need my help. Doing limited numbers of consultations a day, I have to charge enough in order to pay the bills.

Expertise on BIG 3-Rahu-Ketu and Saturn: I know my game and know it well. I can guarantee that there are 90% chances that if you are looking forward to a consultation, you are undergoing a Rahu-Ketu or a Saturn period. I have spent years reading about them and am about to release a book on these 3. I have done my homework well, and have done it for years. I have done my research and have prepared special yantras for these 3 as per scriptures for Rahu-Ketu and Saturn. I could have made thousands daily by selling gemstones for these three, but I have decided NOT to as their side effects can literally kill a person.

Logical, Sattvic, Cost-effective and EEFECTIVE Remedies: The remedies I suggest have been prepared after a lot of study, contemplation and experiments. I don’t get into tamasic remedies (I don’t use even Lal Kitab the book most astrologers swear by, as it is full of Tamasik Remedies). The remedies I suggest are without side effects, and often very pocket friendly (I don’t want to skin you alive if you are already in trouble). E.g. I would suggest you to polish boots in a Gurudwara, or chant a mantra, instead of paying 21000 for a special puja.

Authentic Stones/Yantras: I sell Silver Yantras for 301 only. These are not pieces of tin imported from china @ Rs. 10 and sold for 299. These are silver pieces made in India as per the dimensions specified in scriptures. Guess that says something about my integrity. In addition, I sell gemstones like Opal, Emerald, Yellow Sapphire, etc. at a very-very reasonable rate. Honestly, it helps being based in Jaipur-the Gems capital of India and having a father who has decades of goodwill and a deep supply chain behind him. I am about to launch an online shop that would sell authentic stuff at a very competitive price.

No Fear Tactics: Have you ever tried calling most of the “astrological services”? Here’s what they do: They scare the hell out of you in the first 3 minutes telling you all that’s wrong in your chart and telling you how you are doomed if you do not get some “Puja” done or don’t wear some particularly costly gemstone. I would tell you upfront that I don’t do any puja for my clients and I would never do it. I understand that if you have called me, you are going through a tough time already. I would try to help you, give you cheaper alternatives, guide you properly and logically and often ENCOURAGE YOU like a guide. I have a sense of humor and most of my clients end the call with a smile.

I Know My Job-Well: This one I have put in place after a lot of contemplation, almost decided to do away with it. But then it turned out to be a prominent point. If you go to a doctor, you expect him to know his job. I am confident enough to put a money back guarantee in place, that should tell you something. Moreover, I am someone who spent time since childhood in astrology, I don’t go blindly by scriptures, I CHALLENGE them.

Let me say two things most astrologers won’t dare say:

SADE SAATI IS A HOAX-It is always your dasha that matters. Go check your charts, whenever you have been in trouble it would have been typically a dasha of Saturn, Rahu and Ketu, never mind if it was or wasn’t a Sade-Saati.

GUNA MILAN IS A SCAM: If this rubbish worked, there would have been no divorces in Hindu arranged marriage. This is a FLAWED technique that is ruining people’s lives. I have knowledge of the rare art of horoscope to horoscope compatibility reading that most people don’t have, and can help people get better mat