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senditcolton · 2 months ago

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can this be a real thing? can it?

a/n: here is my submission for @wyattjohnston and @comphy-and-cozy 's Eras Tour Challenge. I was given "Snow on the Beach" and Jeremy Swayman. And I went out there with this song, transforming it into another royalty au. Did I shove multiple Taylor Swift lyric references in here? Yes. Does it connect to the Prince Andrei universe? Yes. Did I write this whole thing while live-streaming the last show of the Eras Tour? Yes. Hence why I'm posting in literally in the middle of the night, my time. I had hoped to get it out sooner but I ended up sobbing during surprise songs and needed to take a minute. But anyway, I love this fic and creating it made me appreciate this song a lot more than I did.

summary: Princess Patrycja Berezovsky is a pawn in the game of thrones. She is seen as the eligible princess of Roslindale, destined to be married off to the highest bidder. Nothing more. The only person that sees behind the mask is her sworn protector Jeremy. song inspo: "Snow on the Beach" (feat. Lana Del Rey) word count: 4.9k warnings: royalty au! knight x princess, forbidden romance, unresolved angst, the general medieval attitudes towards women, attempted suicide, and tragedy with a capital T (i'm sorry).

The moonlight casts a silver glow over Princess Patrycja Berezovsky’s room, overpowering the small golden light emanating from the dying embers in her hearth. It cascades over the new gown hanging on her wardrobe, dancing over the jewels resting on her vanity. Everything glitters and shines in the light, flawless and beautiful and perfect. Just like she was.

But in the silence of the early winter night, the princess’ eyes remain open, sleep evading her even now. In this moment, Patrycja felt like she might shatter into a million pieces. Like she was the embodiment of the crystal swan – the emblem of her country of Roslindale – perched on her nightstand. False and fragile. All because of what tomorrow would bring.

Tomorrow was the reason for the brand-new gown on her wardrobe. The reason for the royal tiara on her vanity. Tomorrow, she would be boarding a boat and sailing down the coast to be married to the crown prince of Carolyna. A marriage that Patrycja had no say in.

She knew this moment was coming. She had known it from the moment she turned fifteen. That was the first year that the scrolls had started arriving from all across the land, when she was fitted for a new dress every month, when she was paraded into the throne room and forced to meet the suitors that came to offer their hand in marriage.

Back then, it had been exciting. She had been giddy, her mind swimming with the songs that she heard played in court and the stories passes down from folk tales; stories of beautiful maidens meeting handsome princes, of knights rescuing damsels, of lovers whose romance brought about magic and overcame every obstacle.

But she had quickly learned that life was not like the songs.

She couldn’t pinpoint a precise time when that realization hit her, if there ever was an exact moment. It felt more like a slow build, a chain reaction of events leading her to that conclusion.

The first time she met one of the suitors in her father’s throne room who happened to be thrice her age.

The times her father refused to talk to her about her choice of suitors, instead looking towards the councilmen around him as if she weren’t even in the same room, as if she didn’t have an opinion in these negotiations.

Every time she was asked what she felt about one particular suitor or another, her concerns of age or cruelty or just general dislike were brushed off as vanity, glossed over because that prince or lord had a kingdom that yielded good crops or commanded a strong army.

Marriage was a political arrangement. And it was arrangement in which she hastily learned she had no say.

It had been three years since the first scroll arrived, her marriage to whatever eligible man her father and his council chose delayed. Mainly because of their focus on the war against Her father and his council held off for three years, their focus more on the war against Vizcaya. But when the opposing countries army had secured their claim to the lands surrounding the Stanley River Valley in the west, the council’s focus shifted from winning the war to recovering their losses. And the easiest recovery for the kingdom of Roslindale was by securing the engagement of Patrycja to the crown prince of Carolyna. A man that Patrycja had met only once before – two years ago.

The entire situation – her entire life – had turned from a fairytale into one giant tragedy. Her path had been planned out since she took her first breath. Her fate was sealed, the prophecy was written. Now, the weight of her future was locked onto her like a ball and chain, dragging her down. Something that she could not fight no matter how hard she tried. It felt ironic: here she was, princess of a great country whose name carried great power but she herself, had none.

There was nothing she could do.

That was the thought that had been twirling in her head, the image of her dancing in a strange ballroom, trapped in the arms of a man who did not care for her. A man who could bed a hundred other woman without penalty. A man who she would essentially be sold to for what? His country’s naval power?

There was no escape. She had no power to stop it, to change anything.

There was nothing she could do.

Patrycja can feel the panic rise in her chest, her ribcage rising and falling at a rapid pace. In a haste, she throws off her bedcovers, her body lifting from the plush mattress. The moonglow is still flooding into her chambers, casting a ghostly silver light over everything. She rises from her bed, her bare feet hitting the cold stone floors as she walks towards the glass doors, pushing them open and walking onto the balcony overlooking the ocean.

The early winter chill hits her skin, causing goosebumps to rise, helping to slow her panicked breathing, if only slightly. Her blue eyes stay fixed on the horizon, watching as the waves crash onto the shore, the beat of the ocean slower than the beat of her heart. The cold air stings her lungs with every inhale and she can feel the scream perched just below jaw, begging to be released. But she doesn’t let it fall.

It was a skill that she had perfected long ago. Hide every ugly, raw, uncouth emotion behind her polished façade. Never let them see you crack. Accept your fate with a demure smile and a graceful curtsy. It was what was expected. It had been expected of her from the moment she was born. It would be expected of her till the moment she died.

There was nothing she could do.

She felt fake. Part of her wondered if she was even a real human anymore or if she had been transformed into the crystalline swans embroidered onto tapestries, engraved onto the palace doors, embossed into the castle walls. That she had turned from a person with emotions and needs into something monetary – something beautiful and valuable and disposable.

Patrycja knew she hadn’t faded entirely because she could feel the pure want build inside of her body. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted… to have a say in how her life was plotted. But there was nothing she could do.

The crash of the ocean waves draws her back to the present moment, her eyes refocusing down the cliffside the castle was perched on to the dark blue almost black ocean, the darkness broken only by the white foam on the waves. And the sight of that sea, so far below her, pulls a story from England into the forefront of her mind. A story that whispers through her thoughts in a voice of a young maiden so much like her. A maiden who, driven to despair over the lack of control and agency in her life, chose to meet the waters and drown.

Patrycja Berezovsky had no power in this life. Except one.

She had the power to say when it ended.

The clarity settles into her bones, as cold as the air around her, freezing any panic that once existed in her veins, replacing it instead with a chilling acceptance.

Patrycja spins away from the stone railing of her balcony, crossing her bedchamber to the door. The heavy oak gives way with the push of her hand and she pokes her head out of the small crack, eyes glancing around the silent hallway. It is abandoned, the moon the only light and the sheer luck of being able to slip out of her bedchamber unnoticed seems like a sign from the universe urging her on. She doesn’t hesitate to leave, not even grabbing a cloak or candle or slippers.

She knows that her current fortune would not last to the seashore. The night patrol would be walking the halls, guard would be posted outside every exit. But Patrycja knew the secrets that the palaces stone wall held, secrets that most guards were not privy to.

You see, there were tunnels that wound their way through the bowels of the castle and led directly to the cliffside overlooking the ocean. Her uncle Brajan had showed her these passages when she was a child, excited to share his hidden playground with his niece. Patrycja wondered if he saw something of himself in her. He had always been the black sheep, willful and wild and never tied down. She shared a similar desire. Maybe that was why he showed her a way to escape.

However, she knows that her current plan, one to not only escape the castle but escape the trappings of her life was not the form of freedom he had in mind. She sends a silent thank you to him anyway, hoping that when the news reached him, he would understand. Pressing on a painted panel a few paces down the hall, the entrance whooshes open, reveal a staircase to Patrycja.

The tunnels are cold but comforting, a labyrinth that she knew like the back of her hand. Her body naturally moves her around turns and corners, the steeled resolve never wavering in her veins.

The chilled ocean breeze is the first thing she can feel, even before the world appears to her, the exit a small silver box promising her a getaway. The cacophony of waves is louder down here than from her chamber’s balcony, only increasing in sound as she walks closer.

Finally, her bare feet hit the delicate grass of the cliffside, the wind ruffling her pale blonde hair. The edge of the outlook is within sight. Patrycja moves forward, her eyes fixed on the line where the earth ends and the sky begins until she is near enough to the edge to see the ocean waves crashing beneath her. She watches the water break against the rocks below, the waves beckoning to her with their steady ebb and flow, the foam retreating back into the darkness, seemingly begging her to follow their path. The wind picks up the edge of her long nightdress, the hem fluttering in the breeze, her long flowing sleeves cascading behind her.

She is sure she looks like a character from a song, ready to meet her fate. She is sure that her life will be reduced to a tragedy. What kind? Of that she isn’t sure. People will either whisper about the princess who went mad and killed herself or she will be an archetype in a folk tale, a tragic heroine that took control of her life in the only way she could.

There was no way of knowing what she would become once she was gone. There was only the going.

A small slip of the rocks beneath her lurches her body, the surprise pausing her forward momentum briefly. She takes a small breath, steadying herself again, before taking another step forward. She could do this. There was nothing stopping her but her own fear and hesitancy.

That is, until she feels the tight grip of a hand on her shoulder.

The mere touch stops her in her tracks. She was supposed to be alone. This was supposed to be her escape. Her entire body stays frozen in place, waiting. For what, she wasn’t sure. She just keeps her gaze focused on the beach below, the waves still kissing the sharp rocks. Then, a voice sounds out, rising above the crash of the sea.

“Princess?”

Patrycja recognizes its tone and timbre. Her own surprise accompanied by the press of the hand on her shoulder forces her to turn around. And her blue eyes land on the concerned brown ones of Ser Jeremy – her knight, her sworn protector.

The moonlight glints off his armor, the black metal looking even darker in the night, the only color on his body coming from the gold of the cloak clasped around his shoulders. Patrycja watches as his gaze dances across her face, glancing down at her thin nightdress, her bare feet.

“What are doing out here?” he asks, the concern lacing his question. The query demands an answer, an explanation – one that Patrycja is hesitant to give. So, she stands frozen, her eyes still distant and stare blank as Jeremy continues to look at her.

His hand falls from her shoulder, tracing down her arm to loop around her wrist. The hold around the joint is delicate, as is the pull of it on her arm. Jeremy’s gentle urging makes her walk a few steps forward, at least until they are away from the edge of cliff. Patrycja watches as he reaches behind him, tugging the golden material of his cloak. Above the ambient noise of the ocean, she can hear the clasps holding the material click, the fabric releasing. He twirls the material around her, quickly and efficiently wrapping it around her frame, the soft cotton descending upon her own shoulders. Jeremy pulls the fabric tight around her, willing the winter chill away.

Jeremy’s voice sounds again as his hands move against her arms in an attempt to both warm her and shake her out of the fugue state she was in. He repeats his prior question, the syllables still laced with confusion and the silent request for any response lingered in the air.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Patrycja finally speaks, her voice quiet and humorless. She watches his eyes look over her before flicking to the where the earth gave way to the sea and then back to her. She can see the realization settle in his dark irises and she can feel a strange ache in her heart at the sadness that seems to spark in his eyes along with that understanding.

“Why?”

His question is a genuine one, she knows this. But his ignorance at the position she was in, the choices made without her consent, choice that drove her to choose this path, ignites a righteous anger in her. That fire flows through her veins and all that bottled rage and anguish that she had been holding back for years finally bursts forth.

“Why? Why?! God, Jeremy, why do you think!?” Patrycja says, her voice rising with every sentence.

She throws his hands off her with a sharp shake of her body, the anger forcing her to move, even if it is only to pace side to side in front of him. Part of her knew that she couldn’t go further even if she wanted to, not with Jeremy’s eyes following her every step.

“I am about to be married off to someone I met two years ago, a marriage that I have no say in in a life that I have no say in! I have no control, no power. I might be a princess but I am not awarded the agency that every man around me is given freely. I am an item: a brood mare, a diamond to auctioned off to the highest bidder. Percious cargo to be shipped off to another country. Forced to be tied a man that I do not know and do not love. At the worst, he could be cruel – at best, indifferent. Regardless, I will belong to him for the rest of my life. And there is nothing I can do to stop it except walk off that precipice, let the rocks meet me and the waves take me.”

Her final declaration is emphasized with a point of her finger towards the cliffside. Jeremy’s eyes follow her gesture and Patrycja sees the dark brown irises harden in a rocky determination before returning to her, locking with her hysteric gaze.

“I can’t let you do that,” he says, his voice steady in its resolve.

“Yes, you can,” Patrycja replies, stalking towards him, the finger that had been pointing to ocean now pressed against his breastplate. “You are sworn to me. So if I demand you to return to the castle and let me die, you have to obey.”

“I cannot obey you in this, Princess. You are right, I am sworn to you. I took an oath to guard your secrets, to defend your name and honor, to give my blood for yours and protect with all my strength and – ”

“Then protect me!” Patrycja screams. Her hand reaches for the hilt of the sword hanging at his side, her hand stopped by Jeremy’s own calloused palm wrapping around her wrist. She can feel the tears that are tracking down her cheeks, her blue eyes gazing up at him as her voice breaks.

“Please. Jeremy, please. Save me from a fate that I do not want, from a life that I cannot control.”

“I can’t let you die!” Jeremy exclaims, pulling her body to his, his hands turning to grip her waist as he meets her pleading gaze. The close proximity forces Patrycja to keep his steady gaze. She had never noticed how the moonlight turned them from their normal dark umber to a brighter chestnut color.

“I can’t let you die. Even if it is by your own hand,” he declares, quieter this time, one of his hands reaching up to brush away her windswept hair from her cheek. “Not if I can stop it.”

This was dangerous. The thought passes through Patrycja’s mind before she can help it and she quietly scoffs at its absurdity. Of course this was dangerous. It would be that way even if her and Jeremy were twenty paces apart from each other. The two of them shouldn’t be out of the castle, alone together, at this time of night. But standing here in her thin nightgown, her sworn protectors’ cloak around her shoulders, his hands on her body, their frames close enough that Patrycja can feel his breath fanning across her cheeks, the warmth a sharp contrast to the chill around them… it was compromising.

Very compromising, in fact.

The realization seeps into her bones faster than the realization that she could jump from the cliffside if she wanted to. Here was another way to escape that wouldn’t cost her life. There were few weapons in a princesses’ arsenal but one was their virtue. And if that was sullied, she would be shunned, most likely disowned. She would be free.

So, without hesitation, she lifts her body up to press her lips against Jeremy’s.

It was an impulsive decision, not even entirely thought out. She didn’t know if anyone had already discovered them standing on the cliffside together, if there even was a witness to this indiscretion. It was reckless and rash. But all thought: her original plan to throw herself into the ocean, her reasoning behind the kiss, her anger, her anguish, her desperation, her hysteria… it all disappeared with the touch of Jeremy’s lips.

And in its place… a peace.

The feeling of his lips against hers was indescribable. The sensation was… magical. It felt similar to the emotions that used to fill her body when heard tales and songs of true love, an emotion that she had hoped to experience for real when she kissed her own prince charming; warm, beautiful, and all encompassing.

And it certainly didn’t hurt that Jeremy was kissing her back. The hand that had been on her waist had tightened around her, pulling her impossibly closer to his body, the cold metal of his armor pressing against her front. His other hand had fallen from behind her ear where he had so tenderly tucked her hair to cup her jaw, guiding her deeper into the kiss. The way his fingers rest on her skin is delicate, touching her with a reverence that she had never felt so personally, holding her like she was about to shatter into a thousand pieces. Which, considering the position he had found her in only moments ago, might have been true.

The sensation of Jeremy’s kiss is gone as swiftly as it came. He pulls away from her, his head ducking down. In regret? In embarrassment? In disgust – at her or himself? She didn’t know.

The two stand there frozen and it only then that Patrycja notices the snow falling from the sky. The white flakes land on Jeremy’s dark hair and armor, covering him with a natural silver glitter that sparkles in the moonlight. He looks even more like a hero in the songs – the melancholy knight, honor bound to his king… to his princess.

“Why did you do that?”

His question is slightly muffled by the tilt of his head and the gentle snowfall but Patrycja can hear the sharpness of his words, a small undercurrent of anger painting the syllables. She stands frozen, unsure on what to say in response, much like when he asked her a question earlier that night. But unlike before, the reason she does not answer is not because she was caught in a catatonic state. It because she wasn’t sure of the answer now.

“Was that your newest escape plan?” Jeremy continues, his dark eyes finally reconnecting to hers. “Kiss me and be shunned? It is clever – your father would most likely disinherit you, send you away to a convent or some other institute where you would never be seen again. But I would be killed for besmirching the Princess’ honor.”

The guilt crashes Patrycja with the strength of the ocean waves beating on the cliffside. She should’ve realized that her choice would affect Jeremy. Even before the kiss and the feeling that it brought forward, she had always cared about him. He was kind and noble and brave. He had always kept his oath, preformed his duty as her sworn protector. Tonight was no different. He stopped her attempt to end her life and how had she repaid him? By trying to implicate him in an action that would not only undo the honor that he had worked so hard to achieve but would force him to meet the hangman’s noose.

“So did you?” he asks, his voice pulling Patrycja back, her blue eyes meeting his hardened gaze. “Did you kiss me in the hopes that someone was watching and would report back to your father?”

The shame thrumming through her body forces her to respond.

“I did. At least, that was the plan. But now…”

Patrycja’s voice trails off and she can see Jeremy’s eyes soften in understanding. He must’ve felt it too, that force, that magic between them; rarer than a comet or the aurora borealis. It had enveloped both of them, covered them like the snow now covering the beach… unlikely, strange, but beautiful.

“Why did you kiss me back?” Patrycja questions, her head tilting ever so slightly in confusion. “Even if it would mean death for you?”

The change of expression on Jeremy’s face is almost imperceptible, just a small lift of one corner of his mouth in a subtle smirk.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he responds, an echo of the first words she spoke to him that night. “I’m sworn to you. I am willing to die for you. In every way.”

Oh. Oh.

It had always been Jeremy. He had always been there, by her side and not just because duty demanded it. It was because he felt something towards her – something more than just the devotion of a knight to his princess. It couldn’t be real. This was impossible… as impossible as the snow falling around them. Jeremy… loved her? At least, he cared about her – deeply.

Patrycja watches Jeremy’s head drop, the smile disappearing from his face.

“I apologize. I shouldn’t have said anything. Not now, at least.”

She knew what Jeremy meant with those words. There was never a time or place for him to confess his feelings towards her. Their positions simply didn’t allow it. But his confession coming out now, mere moments after she was planning to end her life, the night before she was to be married off… it was jarring to say the least. But a small part of Patrycja doesn’t care.

“Would you ever have told me how you felt?”

“It is not my place to ask for the affection of a princess,” Jeremy replies, the smile returning to his face but this time it was laden with sadness.

The reasoning behind his melancholy seems to hit Patrycja slowly. Of course he wouldn’t have told her. Even if he had confessed to her before tonight, they would’ve never been able to explore their feelings, safely. It would be forbidden, dangerous. One misstep could spell the end for them both.

These emotions existed in a space that they could not survive in. This could never exist. All they could only have this moment – in the peace and calm of snowfall on the cliffside, the moon as their only witness.

“I’m glad you told me,” Patrycja whispers, her gentle confession drawing Jeremy’s attention back to her. “At least I know that there is someone out there who sees me as more than just my title and my inheritance. It’s a comforting thought.”

Jeremy only offers her a subtle bow of his head, the action of a knight proud to serve his princess. Nothing more. Patrycja can see the rise of his chest is response to his deep inhale, his head lifting, shoulders straightening and she heartachingly watches as his own mask – one of a duty-bound knight – falls back into place.

“We should get you back inside, Princess.”

The words aren’t meant to be cruel but Patrycja can feel the cut of them in her heart, the pain of which shocks her back fully to the present. She registers the numbness in her fingers and toes, feels the dampness of her now snow-ladened hair, and a shiver wracks through her body. And finally, the wave of exhaustion sweeps over her, brought on by the lack of sleep and every choice, plan, secret that had been revealed.

There is no arguing from her, no fight. Instead, she just nods her head and walks back towards the castle. She can feel the familiar comforting presence of Jeremy trailing closely behind her, an energy that meant so much now, after the revelations of tonight. Patrycja walks back through the hidden tunnels, turning the opposite directions that she had mere hours ago until she was climbing the staircase that would lead to the secret entrance a few paces down from the door of her bedchamber.

Before they walk out into the hall, Jeremy steps in front her, his head poking through the crack in the wall, checking to see if anyone was lingering the corridors. It was only when he confirmed the coast was clear did he step forward, allowing Patrycja to walk into the hallway before he clicked the panel back into place. He escorts her to her chambers, standing a few paces behind her as her hands grasp the iron doorhandle. But before she can pull open the carved oak, Jeremy’s hands once again stop her.

In a move that was laden with every ounce yearning, every impossible desire, his hands gently grasp the edges of his golden still thrown over her shoulders. The fabric falls from her, exposing her skin to silver moonlight. Patrycja can only let in a shuddering breath, brought on by the intimacy that was a whisper of what she now knew they could’ve shared… if only they were different people.

“Good night, Princess,” Jeremy says, his whisper echoing down the hallway and Patrycja desperately holds onto warmth that his devotion provided her, if only for a moment, before she steps back into her gilded cage.

She walks into her bedchamber, ready to lay her head down on her pillow and let herself fall into what she hopes is a deep and dreamless slumber. But as she is about to pull the door close behind her, a tremor of fear runs through her. She turns, her gaze now landing on Jeremy’s back, his golden cloak once again secured to his shoulders.

“Jeremy,” she says, her voice calling his attention back to her. She swears she can feel her heart skip a beat when his gentle brown eyes fall on her. “You aren’t going to tell anyone anything? About tonight?”

She can see the understanding cross over his expression, knowing that she meant her sneaking out, the hidden tunnels, how she had been on the cliffside, ready to jump into the waves, their kiss, everything. A soft smile tugs at his lips before he speaks.

“I swear to ward the Princess. With all my strength and give my blood for hers. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall guard her secrets, obey her commands, ride at her side, and defend her name and honor.”

His words were verbatim to the vow that he took in the throne room, kneeling in front of both her and her father while the rest of the court looked down on them. That day where he became more than a knight from the Rosalind ranks, when he turned into her sworn protector. It was his promise to her.

“That was the oath I took,” Jeremy says, his voice filled with the sincerity that Patrycja had only dreamed of receiving. “My first and only duty is to you.”

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