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riverdale-retread · 1 year ago

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Riverdale S7 E14 (Chapter 131) Archie the Musical

Well, this was fascinating. Do feel free to skip directly to the read-more which has the recap proper, because this next bit is a preamble.

I always wonder about the urge of actors and people who work with actors to create situations in which the actors have to put on performances within performances. At worst, it can get very navel-gazing, vain and shallow, but a lot of the time, if you can forgive performers for being too fascinated by themselves, the actual task of putting on the performance within a performance, where there’s a character who doesn’t know they’re a character in the show you (the audience member) are watching but IS aware that they’re pretending to be a character in a show that they know is a fictional creation seems really hard. The task that the makers of Riverdale set for the actors of Riverdale in this episode is all that, squared, and it was very fun to watch. Oh, and I’m a big fan of this show, in an unironic, unabashed way, and I genuinely think a lot of these actors are actually very gifted as actors and putting on intentional, deliberate performances using their gifts, so take that under advisement as well.

The musical opens with an alarm and just no preamble of any kind whatsoever. Archie is singing a song from the literal second he wakes up. Season 7 Archie has been Archie without the darkness and pain and sexuality that made him so fascinating to Jughead in all previous seasons to begin with, but in this opening sequence Season 7 Archie is fully a Classic (as opposed to Renaissance or Modern era) Disney princess. He’s SO innocent and SO wholesome. It’s very jarring.

“Why is life so cruel” he sings as he puts on clothes and says things like “same old teachers yapping in our ears!”

This song is extremely untuneful. It’s a bad song. This sounds like something I would sing at a passing street cat when I am wobbling home from having too many soju-beer mixes after dinner. And Archie insincerely ‘selling’ it makes it so much more awkward.

Very confusingly, Archie says it’s his Senior year as he waves out his window at Betty, who apparently has been standing there fully dressed in her perfect pink outfit watching him get up out of bed and into clothes this whole time. If I wasn’t getting over Covid which I’ve caught later than literally everyone else this would’ve been the first valuable hint, but instead what I thought was, Oh this is the musical episode with a cold open AND a time jump? Because they weren’t seniors yet last episode right?

Archie, who has never once been shown doing this, is waiting for her outside her door. They do this Singing in the Rain type of box step around each other before they skip off to school smiling entirely too much. It’s very surreal watching two characters repeatedly presented as All American being a parody of the All American concept.

Anyways, Betty takes over the song and she acts the most Un Betty-ish out of this whole season of being very unBetty. She’s twirling around like she’s manic off of uppers, singing about how last year was “nothing but good times, nothing but fun ahead.” The net effect of this is very creepy and a lot scary. This is Betty Cooper as Alice Cooper always wants her to be. Betty, are you ok?!? She starts hollering about how she’s “a model A student/ I’ll be perfect and prudent” and I totally feel like I’m having a stroke. This is way worse than those NO She Would NOT Do That type of fanfics.

The first time I watched this episode I was already discombobulated by this time but the feeling became one of alarm when we moved on to Veronica. Veronica is warbling about herself - she has “looks and style and brains and class” and “money? Well I do have a lot.” I’m about to commit harakiri. NO SHE WOULD NOT SAY THIS ABOUT HERSELF. Veronica seems to be resisting the narrative because she addresses a free standing mirror as “mirror mirror on the shelf.” She has a huge black and white actor profile type of photo of Archie stuck into her mirror. She starts referencing designers that most definitely were not active in the 1950s (Versace, Prada, Klein).

But I spoke far too soon about being scared of what’s going on in this opening sequence because the scariest is yet to come. Jughead. He’s apparently a super early rising morning person which - NO HE ISN’T. He’s fully dressed, seated at his desk, typing. He’s singing. Is it because Jughead hasn’t sung much on this show that I am so scared of this or is this genuinely scary? His eyes look totally crazed. “Four years/ feels like I’ve done it before” he warbles. He keeps smiling in a joyless way as he sings.

He has a folder he shoves his morning pages into called “Genius Story Ideas” and after he chucks the paper in there he starts doing a solo dance sequence in front of his dog. It’s so bouncy, with big swinging motions. This is so un-Jughead and I am very worried about him. Jughead is apparently done with summer school (when the hell did that happen?) so he can now take his place among his other classmates. Then he finds a pizza box under his bed, looking absolutely maniacal.

He’s doing a really alarming thing with his EYES. Part of the reason that Jughead’s singing sequence is so scary is that he looks boyish but his voice is all grown up, so the disconnect is very disconcerting. The other jarring element is that he is smiling like a Spearmint gum model while singing this upbeat, chipper song, but his voice is much more indie-rock and melancholy.

Next, he dance-steps his way into school carrying a cafeteria tray, accompanied by Ethel (looking great in a yellow and orange ensemble with green hints), Dilton and Ben. He also makes up a word to rhyme with Sandwich (the last word of his song.). Once again - omg those maniacal googly EYES? Jughead would never say “kicking back with my pals/ and finding myself.” He keeps grinning as he swings his face from side to side except he’s not smiling AT anyone - he smiles at the back of a girl’s head after he grins at a shelf of trays. He does a little twirl but he’s tense as fuck. I feel like any second now he’s going to rip the skin off his own face using his fingernails.

Then comes the cheerleaders, followed by the basketball players.

The cheerleaders seem very comfortable compared to Jughead. They have less to do in terms of choreo but they also don’t look terrified/ enraged. The boys in particular line up to do a hip thrusting thing in formation in their short shorts. They all pick up Reggie, and Julian and Fangs touch his chest. This song will not end. It’s just so untuneful! It’s really hard to listen to the lyrics because I just find the notes so ugly. Reggie however screams “I Rule Here!” as he sits on boys’ shoulders and once again - HE WOULD NOT DO THAT. Not even S2-6 Reggie would be like this, and S7 1950s Reggie is too cautious and repressed to even think these thoughts.

The thing that upset me the most during my initial viewing, second only to Jughead tensely grinning away as he tried to sell his song like he was a child performer on High School Musical was that Julian Blossom is a natural performer. Some people can sell any kind of choreography. Like, even if the steps are objectively stupid the performer can elevate them to something charming or cute, even if they can’t fully dissipate the stupidity. Julian is someone who can do this, and that surprised me. Why is the resident toxic masculinity jock a great musical theater performer?

Archie, Betty and Veronica drive up in his jalopy. Suddenly everyone is congregating on the steps of the school main entrance. Archie and Jughead finally act like they know each other - they give each other an extremely enthusiastic high five. They’re all doing this super cheerful looking dance sequence, grinning ear to ear in bright sunshine and I feel like I really want to get on my knees and apologize to Roberto for complaining about all those times when the show was very murkily lit such that it was hard to see anything. Watching all these people grinning is like watching those robotic children of the North Korean propaganda choirs, where the people have been perfectly trained to be more like animatronics than actual robots could ever be. My eye keeps compulsively going to Jughead because he is completely not acting like himself. LIke, Betty and Veronica and Toni and Cheryl and Clay and Archie all putting on their perfect Americana smiles, standing legs apart and arms spread in celebratory Vs - I can accept this. JUGHEAD DOING THIS I CANNOT. I keep wanting to reach into the screen to shake Jughead, to ask, Who is hurting you now? What has happened??

And GUESS WHAT - it’s a fakeout.

We finally get an explanation of what all this insanity was! In the ‘reality’ of S7 Riverdale, in the 1950s alternate universe, Kevin, who looks so pleased, calls out “Wow that was incredible! Was that not so incredible, Clay?”

Clay agrees with him because he’s not allowed to disagree with Kevin (The show posits that lovers can never actually disagree with each other, because that’s not what it means to be supportive, to disagree with your partner).

I hate Kevin so much, I have all season and this just seals the deal for me. This musical sucks! Your song writing sucks!

And then the show does an about face and agrees with me, because all the ‘performers’ agree with me that this song was objectionable. Clay and Kevin are in raptures about how fantastic it is, but everyone looks back at them with disagreement full on their faces.

Betty tactfully asks if the song they were all just forced to sing were written by the two boys. That is, she wants to know how honest she’s going to be allowed to be about how much it sucks. Unfortunately for her, Clay and Kevin did indeed write the song. This makes it so much more awkward for everyone to give their honest feedback. Ethel, being the bravest girl in Riverdale and also someone who has recently not just seen the hacked-to-death corpses of her parents but also killed a man, tries first. She says in a roundabout way that the song is too long and there are too many songs overall in the musical (“There’s a lot of music”) which is what you say when the material you’re given sucks ass.

Clay and Kevin, who are doing this because they’re finally allowed to put on a show that isn’t Oklahoma (which would have been a better choice because at minimum it comes with Agnes DeMille choreography and not the totalitarian cult dance that we just saw them all perform), take a very, very long time to realize that their cast actually doesn’t like the opening number very much.

They’re both grinning ear to ear, exploding with joy, but nobody else looks even a little happy.

Archie tries to object to the entire premise of the show, but because he’s not very bright he asks it in a dumb way: “Why are we playing seniors in the show? We’re juniors in real life.”

Kevin absolutely refuses to take the hint that not even Archie can stomach his songwriting, and gives a very pompous explanation about how Senior year is always a much better premise.

Veronica tries to out theater-snob Kevin, since she knows a thing or two about putting on hideous musical numbers. “Dramaturgically” is a word she wields like a weapon, to try to puncture Kevin’s ego-balloon. Veronica asks why it is she’s still ‘the new girl.’ She also directly criticizes the lyrical content - “Does that make sense?”

Kevin very slowly starts to realize they all totally hate it.

Julian speaks up next. He thinks he should be the lead because he’s the best singer (to which Midge says Fangs is the best singer) (which no, honey those are just your pregnancy hormones fucking up your brain) (And sorry for the string of parenthetical thoughts but JULIAN IS RIGHT. He IS the best performer -he looks intentional and natural singing and dancing.)

Clay is as much of a bullshitting asswipe as Kevin (this is why they’re perfect for each other, I guess?) because he tells Julian that he’s Archie’s understudy in response to the bickering about who the ‘best’ singer is between Julian and Midge. Actually the reason Julian isn’t the lead is because Kevin and Clay don’t like him as much, simply because he’s less likable, kind of a dick, but also Julian is very straight. That is - the makers of this high school musical picked the boy they liked the most to be the lead, and they do not give a shit about meritocracy even for the purposes of putting on the best possible show.

On the meta level though, this comment is very important for an analysis of this show The redhead Blossom boy (previously Jason, now Julian) and Archie Andrews are often made to play oddly parallel parts to each other, so this is the show acknowledging this strange connection - that is, Jughead’s fantasies about Jason fueled S1 plot as much as his fantasies about Archie fuel the plot of the rest of the show; Cheryl and Jason possibly probably had a (psycho)sexual something and in the wake of Jason’s death all the Blossoms tried to abduct Archie into their family; Archie became captain of the football team when Jason died and he became captain of the basketball team when Julian fell into a coma etc.

Anyway, in answer to the two shitty songwriters’ arbitrary comment that Archie has to be the lead in the musical, the lesbians object immediately. Cheryl and Toni in tandem state that a musical that’s “about all of them” can’t have Archie Andrews as the “main” character at the same time, and further, that they object to being relegated to ‘chorus’ girls in a male-centric narrative. Yup. Kevin the woman hating gay man would totally do this to women.

Sidebar - This is an interesting and visceral thing they keep doing with Kevin. A man can be gay and be an enemy of women is the Kevin thesis. Why it is that RAS, a gay man, keeps making his show make this point over and over in its final season?!

Anyway, Kevin and Clay continue to be dicks and also bad artists - they do not address any of the valid criticisms they are being given. In response to “why is there a white straight male lead character when you (lied and) said the show was about all of us?” Kevin gives an insultingly condescending answer: “You’ll have lines in the closing number.”

Way to miss the point, you git.

The untalented gay musical theater duo try to sell the finale of the musical as happening at The Prom.

This idea is extremely exciting to Midge for some reason, but it takes Jughead completely out of the game. “In my opinion there is no lower art form than American musical comedy,” he says, which is very funny because he is an active participant in another “low” art form - the American horror/underground comic books, and he is saying this on Riverdale the show on CW exported to Netflix which keeps getting pilloried for being ‘bad’ and ‘low culture’ by people who are not as sophisticated and artistic as me.

Reggie immediately says that while he “has the looks for acting” he doesn’t want to do either singing or dancing.

Taking a step away from episode recapping to note that the best way I’ve found to enjoy Riverdale is to assume that all the decisions being made on screen are deliberate and intentional. All these people - the writers, the choreographer, the actors, the editors etc - have made every choice presented to me ON PURPOSE. So Jughead looking scarily manic was a performance choice that the actor made which the lighting director chose to make highly visible which the director encouraged. That kind of hamfisted hamminess with its strange undergirding of anger is what Jughead the character thinks American musicals are like. By the same token - the amiable ease of Archie and Betty’s performances was supposed to communicate their cooperative characters.

Do you get me? Jughead Jones looked awkward and insane during what we saw of his song and dance number because Jughead Jones the character felt awkward and insane doing the number.

Kevin and Clay take the departure of Jughead and Reggie in stride, because their focus was always on Archie. Archie, Julian - and in fact, everyone visible on the ‘performer’ side of the room look deeply unhappy.

It’s time for Archie’s “I want song” which Julian has to participate in because he’s Archie’s understudy. Archie still hates Julian. He is only staying to spite Julian, and you have this hilarious spectacle of two hyper masculine jock boys competitively singing a really dorky, frankly effeminate I Want Song at each other, line by line. Archie is a stiff-as-fuck musical performer. He doesn’t understand this musical, he doesn’t like its premise, and all of that comes through in his stiff performance as he tries to stay on the beat. (Archie elsewhere has given good singing performances where he wasn't stiff and awkward, so this is very deliberate for this particular episode.)

Julian has a beautifully modulated singing voice. His motions are fluid and natural. He even moves his EYEBROWS well. He sells the song. It … like- i can’t believe I’m saying this - it sounds good when he sings it. Tuneful and catchy and everything. Julian is elevating Kevin’s stupid music and I’m torn to pieces because a good performance is always pleasurable but I DON’T WANT THE SONG TO BE ELEVATED BECAUSE I WANT KEVIN TO FAIL.

Then Riverdale fully goes BOLLYWOOD. Just. This is Bollywood. With no warning. The camera pans up to follow the line of Julian’s sight as he does a really great piece of impromptu motion, projecting his voice to the ceiling. Bollywood does this thing where people are in ‘reality’ (like say, in front of a bangles stall at the market) and then the song starts and suddenly they’re in a fantasy outdoor reality (say, in front of the pyramids of Giza), and the initial notes of the song are always shown with the character either running towards or away from each other. They also change into much fancier clothes.

By the same token, this song transports both Archie and Julian to the sunny outdoors. They’re wearing tight fitting sports uniforms that BOTH say Andrews. And they’re running. Julian looks completely at ease, dance-running gracefully to demonstrate the lyrics (“Archie going left/ Archie going right”). Archie is having a really hard time running and singing at the same time, plus he’s very annoyed at Julian having this beautiful voice so he keeps scowling, too aware of what Julian is doing to give his own performance his all. Julian is able to introduce truly lovely details into his ‘dance-run’ like annoyed little twitches of his head when Archie pulls ahead of him before racing to catch up.

We’re back in the ‘reality’ of the rehearsal room. Archie has picked up some performance points from Julian, again out of spite and competitiveness more than inspiration. He’s starting to try to actually dance as he sings. He’s snapping his fingers. He does things with his hand as he delivers the lyrics. He still looks stiff as fuck, but Julian is big enough to appreciate these gestures at improvement. He actually, as a fellow artist, approves of Archie making an effort. He even gives him an encouraging nod!

Julian, who is a nepo baby through and through about literally everything, is a meritocrat about musical theater.

I CAN’T COPE.

Kevin is ecstatic with hope again, thinking that it’s coming together. He’s so stupid. He just lucked into having a talented musical theater leading man in the form of Julian, whom he’s incompetent enough to use as THE UNDERSTUDY.

Archie is bouncing on the beat to every note of this song, but Julian knows (because he’s talented, omg I’m freaking out) that economy of movement is always better in the dance arts, so he keeps his body still and only makes gestural motions when they are necessary to communicate the song.

We’re back to the outdoor Bollywood reality. Fully aware that he is losing, that he is Salieri to Julians’ Mozart, Archie brings out his best weapon - his abs. He takes off his shirt as he runs. He looks really stressed out and aggressive about Julian being so much better than him. Julian will not ever back down from a challenge, so he takes his shirt off too and GUESS WHAT he has the same washboard abs as Archie! “I’m a ripped ginger too!” is what Julian’s face says to Archie as they sing their song and run. Archie is deeply unhappy about this. He can’t bear to look at Julian. He doesn’t know what to do now.

Guys, I’m so into this musical. I love it. This is so fun. And it’s all because of Julian.

Then they’re in the boys' changing room at school, singing at each other while taking their showers after the run. This Bollywood reality is very gay alluva sudden. Archie, Mr. Stiff & Awkward, is trying very hard to level up his choreography game. He slams a hand into the shower wall as he sings. Julian does the same thing, but better, with more panache. Archie gives Julian a cock-eyed look. Julian has super flexible eyebrows and does the cock-eyed challenging face BETTER. Archie tries running his hand through his hair while making a cocky face. Julian does it but with BOTH hands, HARMONIZES, and while Archie gets stuck with his hand in his own hair, extends the motion by spreading his hands wide and doing this fun little head tilt while adding a whole lot of swaggery sass to HIS version of the cocky face.

Archie gets pissed enough to slap the shower wall and -

SEE, THE RIVERDALE ACTORS ARE GREAT.

This wall slap is categorically, visually, emotionally different from his doing as a ‘dance’ to try to one-up Julian as a performer. This is genuine. It’s the ‘real’ Archie’s actual frustration about not being as good as Julian.

Archie the fictional character breaks character as the fictional Archie, bringing on the record scratch sound.

No STOP STOP STOP! Archie screams in desperation. He wants very much to be the lead now because he’s seeing how great Julian is and Julian Blossom cannot be allowed to win. I’m furious and scared because I have a crush on Julian now even though I still hate this musical and why is this happening to me??

Julian says that “we were humming” and Archie is petty as anything. He tries to assert dominance by saying he doesn’t like that “my UNDERSTUDY” is “singing at the same time as me!” because it’s “super distracting.” Julian knows what I know which is that Archie is hating it that Julian is just immensely better than Archie is. He makes a face and says UH Huh! at that.

Archie, like all mediocre performers, starts to blame the material. “I’m not really jiving with this song.” Julian won’t let him get away with this at all - “That’s funny, I am!” And Julian would be. He was making it work.

Kevin, because as I said he is not a meritocrat, decides to accommodate Archie. He starts asking a truly unwieldy set of questions. “What do you want in real life? What’s your secret passion or dream? Who is Archie Andrews?” Julian pretends to be interested in Archie’s answer but actually he’s getting a kick out of Archie’s utterly overwhelmed silence. He is making the funniest faces of sarcastic faux concern as Archie gets totally freaked out by the onslaught of introspective prompts. “Do you even know what you want?” Kevin asks. Clay asks which girl he wants to date. Julian is smart - catching on immediately, he continues the cross examination - “Do you want to be on the basketball team??” “Write poetry?” Kevin finishes.

Archie has no choice but to say he doesn’t know. Then he tries to say ‘all of them’ but that gets shut down by Kevin. The rules of dramaturgy, to borrow Veronica’s word, necessitate that the I Want song can only be about one thing, not multiple things. Or else “you have a poorly defined main character.”

I mean. Archie has been Barbie levels of flexible in terms of career (to borrow Cheryl Blossom’s spectacular summing up) on all previous seasons of Riverdale, so this is yet another juicy little meta self-commentary by the show. Julian is very amused about Archie getting hoisted by his own petard, for one, and for another, he’s amused by Kevin being totally oblivious to the fact that it’s being confronted with Julian’s talent that is freaking Archie out first and foremost.

Clay and Kevin promise that they’re going to write a different, more suitable I-want song for Archie, even though Archie is worried that they won’t be able to since he himself doesn’t know what he wants.

Done with the day, Kevin and Clay leave the music room, holding hands, being very lovey dovey. Clay drops exposition about things going badly at home for Kevin. Then they sing a pretty-enough duet about what they have being “no ordinary feeling” because “this is love, this is love.” OK but it’s so castrated, boys. So the Kevin performer has a beautiful voice, and he sings whatever he has to with resonance and conviction, but he’s a better singer than he’s an actor, because Kevin and Clay have absolutely no chemistry. I have zero sense that either one desires the other. They’re two teenage boys engaging in what seems to be a very brave, out gay relationship at very high risk, crossing racial lines, even, and yet they have NO chemistry, NO yearning, and they make faces at each other of the type I make to fluffy dogs. Like, they like each other, they want nice things for each other, but I don’t believe for a second that they’re attracted to each other. So it’s really jarring, actually, and makes me hate Kevin even more. He is worshipful of Clay for EXACTLY THE SAME REASONS that he was so shitty to Betty for - Betty gave AND STILL GIVES HIM understanding and support so he just trod all over her, lied to her, gaslit her, and was unabashedly blatant about his revulsion for her female body. Kevin is with Clay not because he loves Clay or loves men, but because he is too insecure to be single and he hates women too much, so it’s men or nothing. I hate Kevin.

We’re at the diner, and at first I am relieved to see Cheryl. But then it’s a Kevin / Clay production number , this time written for women, so I know I’m in for a bad time. Betty bursts into song about how the only girl for Archie is her. She’s skippy and bouncy and I want to throw up. This is how Kevin really sees her - as a boycrazy airhead. Which she has never, ever been, not even in the 1950s AU. (How many times is too many times to say I hate Kevin in one post?) Betty gets physically obnoxious with Veronica, kicking at her to move out of the booth.

Then Veronica sings her portion and does a thing nobody ever does. She puts her hand right on her female rival’s cleavage, palm flat, while pushing her backwards to declare that she’s “not the kind of girl who comes in second place.” Kevin thinks Veronica buys her boys with money (“I serve it up on a silver plate”). He’s half right - she does, but not for the reasons he thinks. Generosity is Veronica’s love language, and moreover, because she’s known to be rich, nobody ever refuses her extravagant gifts.

Cheryl and Toni are forced to be the backup singers and co-occupiers of the same booth as Betty and Veronica sing this stupid song about how perfect each of them are for Archie. Cheryl rolls her eyes so hard she almost has a stroke, and Toni looks done with life.

We get a very very pinkish red sequence of the three of them - Veronica, Archie and Betty - playing in a band together. Archie is silent so far, grinning at each in turn and the girls make very sweet faces at him before glowering at each other behind his (oblivious? fully aware?) back.

Then the unexpected happens. Toni starts singing about how Archie met her at Pop’s. She took him for a spin on her motorcycle. Archie rides behind Toni, who looks absolutely adorable with her huge wig and tiny biker’s outfit on her patently fake bike in front of the blue screen. Then the nightmare continues. Cheryl calls her “honey” in order to sing about her own sexcapade with Archie. She puts on a non regulation siren-red Vixen cheerleader outfit, in front of a blazing fire AND dozen candles at her house. “Archie leaned in” apparently.

All four girls are in the band now, singing about how they each want Archie.

Kevin really, really hates women. He hates straight women for getting men, but Kevin. KEVIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Also CLAY YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT YOU SMUG ASSHOLE.

The lyrics to this song are appalling; “One boy plus four best friends/ Pretty girls getting ugly” “Best frenemies.”

“Bop on the head you twit” says Cheryl, immediately, as soon as Kevin is about to be overwhelmed with ecstasy at seeing his woman hating vision come to life. Kevin invented the word ‘frenemies’ to be specifically shitty to women. “Is this how you see us?” Betty finally asks.

Betty.

BETTY

YES.

YES HE DOES.

“Vapid khaki-wacky girls?” NO.

Oh she was so close.

No Betty. He thinks ALL STRAIGHT GIRLS ARE VAPID. Also I have no idea what khaki-wacky means or if that’s even a real phrase, but I guess it means ‘airhead.’ Get it together girl. He really did waste your time out of sheer contempt for you and you should be kicking him in the nuts every single time you see his stupid face.

Veronica says that she will get a better song written by someone else. Because she knows actually talented songwriters - people who win Oscars and Tony awards. She is thinking Cole Porter. The lesbians add on the very valid comment that their parts seem especially tacked on. Kevin very bitchily says that it’s because they wanted bigger parts - and this sort of airhead role is all either of them, and indeed all women, are good for.

Why does the show want me to hate Kevin so much by the way?

Cheryl challenges the two misogynist gays to “write something truthful” and “more honest about you two.” Kevin doesn’t like this idea, but Clay nods at him because he wants some sort of show to exist.

The untalented woman hating gays next approache Archie to let him know there’s a new I Want song. They’ve decided to “focus on your quest for love.” Archie is going to give this song a whirl because Julian isn’t there to show him up.

The song is about choosing between Betty and Veronica. Which means the misogynist gay duo has completely not bothered listening to anything any of the girls said about how they object to misogyny in the musical. They literally give Archie tickets with Veronica and Betty’s names printed on them, reducing both girls down to Socialite Queen and The Girl Next Door. He does a little spin around a street lamp just outside the cinema where he’s about to watch ‘Choosing Between Betty and Veronica’ in a direct homage to Gene Kelly in Dancing in the Rain, except all I feel is sadness that I don’t get to watch Julian have a go at doing that.

Apparently, Archie’s choices are between Wanting/ Needing, Living/ Dreaming, and I’m not sure which one represents what. Does he WANT Veronica and NEED Betty? Or does Veronica represent ‘living” and Betty “dreaming”?

So, according to the Misogynist Gay Duo, Veronica is Onion Rings and Betty is Cotton Candy. Betty, seriously, kick them both in the nuts.

But then the visuals in the song change and it gets suddenly very interesting. When Betty is feeding Archie cotton candy on the school steps, Archie turns his head away from her to take in the sight of Reggie practicing hoops, looking very handsome. The lyrics are “They’re both delicious.” We then cut to the diner, where Veronica is simpering at Archie, but Archie asks himself “How can I choose between two perfect things?” as he looks away from her to look at Jughead moodily typing away in another booth.

The posters he next sees show him the choice between basketball / athleticism and poetry. Suuuure, looking at Reggie and Jughead are about career choices and not the boys themselves. Uh huh.

Archie stops the song again, to confess that he’s been very bothered by the questions they peppered him with last time. What does he really want? Kevin freely admits that he didn’t actually care about this at all, he just wanted a song, so he wrote what for him is the most interesting thing about straight men - not their humanity, not their feelings, but their (to him) frustrating and bizarre need and desire to fuck women. Archie tries to tell him that “that’s not really the big question that I’m wrestling with.”

Archie drops out of the musical because he has to figure some things out for himself. Kevin is very annoyed, but Clay, because he’s more dishonest, pretends to wish Archie well on his quest for self discovery.

I still think Archie is too freaked out by how good Julian is, and doesn’t want to hear Julian sing better than he does about Veronica and Betty.

Veronica and Betty are hanging out at Veronica’s apartment. Veronica says that Cole Porter has agreed to write her a little ditty so they can sing it at the musical. Cole Porter was born 1891 so in ‘the present day’ of this AU, he’s sixty four. SIXTY FOUR. Why did the show decide on Cole Porter??? Did they just want these girls to say COLE??

Anyway, Veronica confesses to Betty that she kissed Archie during the Red Scare. Betty calmly asks her if she likes him, to which Veronica says that she does, but that she likes Betty more. Veronica feels closer to Betty than anyone else in town, and Betty FEELS THE SAME WAY. Betty suggests that they focus on their friendship. And then they hold hands, because this is how heterosexual girls behave.

We cut to Kevin, who is having a halting, weird conversation with his dad. His father seems to be sleeping at his office. Is this why Sheriff Keller has been even more incompetent than he usually is?? He says that he wants to have his whole family together at the musical in the spring. Kevin cannot get any information out of his dad about what’s going on with his parents’ estrangement.

The Misogynist Gay Duo have summoned the Skeptical Superfemme Dykes to say that they wrote them a better song, a truer song, like Cheryl commanded, because the two of them heard the feedback and accepted the challenge.

This is a lie of course. They lost their straight male lead, so now they are desperately scrambling to put some sort of show, any sort of show, together, so as to enjoy the ego high of having ‘their original work’ on stage. They can’t even be honest about why they’re doing any of this. And of course, of COURSE, OF COURSE, this song is actually the Misogynist Gay Duo praising themselves, with the valueless females’ participation only an afterthought.

The song is fine.

Well, actually it’s not.

It’s deeply weird.

“I know I’ll never find your loving in anyone else” is ordinary enough, but then comes the very next lyric, which is repeated several times: “Though I’ll try.” Same goes for “I’ll never find your smile in anyone else” and then comes the damning “Though I’ll try.”

???????????

This exhibits a huge amount of ambivalence - the point of reluctance - to being gay, of being in love with the person who ‘makes’ you gay.

“I’d fight myself, you know I would/ If I thought it’d do any good.”

The Good here being, not being in love with the person who makes you - and marks you out as - gay.

This is not … a gay love song, though the gay-and-lesbian parallel love scene montage they play over it is an attempt to sell it as one. It’s a I Wish I Wasn’t Gay song. It’s a, I’m going to Keep looking for someone who isn’t the same gender as me who will give me the same feeling, song, but then depressedly, defeatedly acquiescing to the fact that I am probably gay, for realsies, in the end. They’re going to stay together because they don’t know how “Let go of your hand/ to start another life.” This is the opposite of the celebration of discovering your own feelings.

Kevin and Clay are so fucked up and so shitty.

They also are not going to come out, and will not include this in the musical. This was a sort of bribe, to trick the Skeptical Superfemme Dykes into staying in the musical, but of course, this backfires. Cheryl and Toni refuse to be in the musical and to lend their names to it, as long as they have to lie about being gay to participate.

At the diner, any sort of decision making he has to do is freaking Archie out. He can’t decide between soup or salad, even. Jughead is there. OMG they know each other again! Jughead says they’re both going to take BOTH the soup and the salad (Ooh?) then prompts Archie to continue what he was saying. Archie says that KEVIN is writing a musical about him, and he doesn’t know why. (RIP Clay, you don’t count).

I do.

Kevin is writing the musical about Archie because he wishes he wasn’t gay and he assumes Archie is entirely straight like he wishes he was. Archie has the facts but not the insight - he says that Kevin is writing him as though the main decision in his life is about choosing between Betty and Veronica (which is to say, Kevin is deeply obsessed with heterosexuality of men but hates the women that are required to be a heterosexual man) but for Archie, the real Archie of S7, the thing that’s really tearing him apart is the choice between poetry and basketball, he says.

Jughead directly disagrees. He says that Archie’s problem is the fear of making any sort of choice, that he thinks might ‘affect the rest of his life.’ He calls Archie a ‘cube.’ He also references Camus that Archie doesn’t understand.

Then, Archie suddenly bursts into non-diagetic song (or is it diagetic????) as Jughead smirks at him. His song is about how he can’t pick two, he has to pick ONE and be a man. Pops is back with the soup, salad and sandwich, which the Archie promptly rejects. He wants just the sandwich. Jughead says he’s going to take soup and salad (Archie’s rejects). Is Jughead starving in this universe? No, right? Because he has a job that pays and stuff. Is Betty soup (whom he got together with after Archie unequivocally rejected her in the OG time line the first time) and Veronica salad (whom he was briefly together with in this timeline after Archie rejected HER)?

Archie rushes home to tell Frank that he is going to choose poetry over basketball. He wants out of the basketball team. Frank is furious, calling him “some kind of beatnik poet” then yelling about how HE needs Archie on the team and he won’t approve of it. Then Uncle Fucking Frank threatens Archie - “You will regret it!” but Archie stands firm. He’s made his choice and is fine with regretting it.

Next morning at Kevin’s house, Kevin’s mom brings him a little something for breakfast because he overslept. With Clay. Clay departs out the window.

WE FINALLY SEE KEVIN’S MOM.

I don’t know that we’ve ever seen his mom, ever. She seems nice enough. She proposes a family dinner. I wish I cared more about her, but I don’t because she is Kevin’s mom.

Then comes the song that Cole Porter allegedly wrote for Veronica, as per whatever her instructions are.

OK So.

I love Cole Porter. I know a lot of them by heart, especially off the Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Song Book album, released in - guess when - 1956.

HOW DARE THEY TAKE COLE PORTER’S NAME IN VAIN.

This song that Veronica and Betty sing together and for each other is absolutely nothing like any Cole Porter song whatsoever in any way. WHY REFERENCE COLE PORTER? I really think they just wanted Camila Mendes to say “Cole” and have Lili Reinhart say “Cole” back to her on screen. It could’ve literally been any other musical songwriter otherwise - Oscar Hammerstein was a contemporary of Cole Porter! Richard Rodgers was a bit younger than both of them! The Sherman brothers (who wrote Mary Poppins) may even have been the right age to plausibly be friends with Veronica! Cole Porter was a really weird choice - so the only reason to choose him was this bizarre fan service. If anything this song sounds like Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez (of Frozen fame).

The song is pretty, and the two girls sing it pretty enough, but it’s trite as fuck and so are the visuals. The Bee and Vee Bollywood timeout consists of their running for class president on individual tickets at first, and then joining forces to be a co-headlining ticket. Something about seeing the universe inside, being afraid to show your real self. Veronica says she always needs to be the best, and Betty needs people to realize she’s more than her surface.

The show shows its true colors (and not the pretty lesbian ones of the balloons that the Bee and Vee ticket use at their school election campaign) in that it thinks the only valid liberation for women was getting the vote. That’s the surface level injustice (not having suffrage) that the show can truly believe was gendered oppression. Once that was solved, women should’ve just shut up. Fuck off, show.

The girls are so turned on by someone acknowledging that she might have depth that they apparate out to space to share a kiss as a comet falls.

The Misogynist Gay Duo are completely confused by this song. Kevin does not understand it whatsoever, because it doesn’t fit with his world view, that women can have anything other than disgusting vaginas that straight men are (to him) inexplicably obsessed with fucking. Clay is a bit more with it - at least, he’s sensitive to the “energy exchange” as Veronica calls it, that occurred between them in the course of the song. Kevin’s summing up of this song is SO WRONG. He says he felt “the pain of your isolation” and even worse, the girls’ “desperate” (he really says, Desperate) “need to be seen.” THAT ISN’T WHAT THEY SAID THOUGH, KEVIN. They said that they saw a universe in each other. You stupid woman hating piece of shit. I hope your mother calls you fat and ruins your confidence at the end of this episode. For fuck’s sake.

Once more - WHYYYY are they doing this with Kevin’s character? He did not hate women even when women were being kind of hateful to him (such as Betty outing him when he wasn’t ready to his dad). Oh. Is this why? In S7 ,we get to see Toni being shitty to Cheryl in a reversal of Cheryl being problematic to Toni, so by the same token we get to see Kevin despise Betty as he should’ve done in earlier seasons??

Bee and Vee are shook, so they discuss the “primal” “charged and intense” connection they felt during the song. Betty wants to climb Veronica’s emotionally complex mountain.

With absolutely perfect timing, Archie comes to tell the two pretty girls he’s kissed that he is choosing celibacy in order to discover himself, even though he’s fond of them. They are so put out. Like, dude get over yourself.

Of course, Archie is behaving like this not least because he was infected with Kevin’s warped view of his life.

We cut to Kevin at his family dinner at the Diner. His mother is like four feet taller than his dad, which I like very much. Kevin continues to be shit. He is saying “The new Archie, Julian, he’s even better than the real Archie.” This is accurate but he only came to this realization because Julian is literally the only person interested in performing his songs - THERE’S LITERALLY NO CAST LEFT because Kevin sucks.

His parents tell him in a clumsy way that they are getting a divorce. Kevin seems upset, but doesn’t lash out or anything, and says pompously that he has his ‘presentation’ of the musical tomorrow so he’s going to go home now. He gets a bit sarcastic with them, I guess, but I don’t care. I hate Kevin.

Then we get to the presentation of the musical Julian has been cast as Archie. Clay is playing the part of Jughead. Midge and one other nameless girl have been shoehorned into the slot originally given to Cheryl and Toni (the foursome of bitches that want to fuck Archie). Veronica and Betty are inexplicably willing to participate still, even though they were given a vastly superior song to sing that had them hallucinating space traveling lesbian sex. The fact that the Misogynist Gay Duo are USING THE NAMES of Archie (no longer in the musical), Jughead (who hates both of them and the musical), Reggie (also out since day 1), for this show is HORRENDOUS. Oh and fuck you Fangs, for playing Reggie.

Veronica, I’m so disappointed in you. You gave Jughead such hell for using your name and likeness in the genre fiction he writes, but you’re fine with Kevin doing this to everyone who explicitly said they DID NOT WANT to be involved in his stupid musical?

Anyway the chief pleasure of this number, is, of course, JULIAN. The Riverdale MVP. He is just so good at every part of this. Wearing the Archie costume with the correct attitude for the way the character is set up in the musical. He’s so GREAT at theater dancing. Knows exactly how to place his weight, knows exactly how much to move, and the singing voice is just lovely! He shows up everyone - Betty and Veronica look and sound like gifted amateurs trying to keep up with a professional.

Featherhead applauds Julian, because he understands quality when he sees it, unlike Kevin.

Oh and Kevin and Clay hate Jughead too. Jughead says in the musical, singing in the most obnoxious, unJughead preening way, that he’s going to be stuffing his face instead of going to Prom. Then Julian as Archie bouncily invites him to prom (complete with titty slap). Julian is SO CUTE. Why am I so into Julian? HELP ME.

He tells Kevin that they absolutely will not be producing the musical whatsoever. “Original musicals are tough sells” and he’s worried that nobody will come for “Archie the Musical” but Oklahoma will completely sell out. He has good taste, Featherhead. Oklahoma is a gorgeous musical.

Kevin is pissy as fuck when he comes to yell at his cast about not getting the musical that he wanted made. He’s so shit and I am enjoying his suffering. He’s so stupid and untalented to the end - he says he is experiencing this failure because the others didn’t support him and his vision enough, and nitpicked his songs to death. Actually no Kevin. Your songs are just shit, and your vision of other people are misogynist and reductive, plus you have absolutely no eye for performance talent. You failed because you’re not talented enough, but sure have your violent temper tantrum.

After Kevin storms out, Clay explains to the cast that Kevin is upset about his parents getting a divorce.

Kevin goes home and has some talk with his mom who says she loves him unconditionally and that the divorce between his parents is not his fault. I wish I cared but I don’t. I am however annoyed that Kevin who so viciously hates women keeps having women be so kind and nice to him.

The next day, Archie approaches Kevin who is noodling around on the piano. He thanks Kevin to thank him for forcing him to take a long hard look at himself, and says that it was useful. Kevin says that he was practicing a song that he wrote. I’m bracing for impact.

It’s not horrible actually. It’s a bit confusing. It starts out as diagetic - Kevin is playing the song with Archie. Archie who can read music then sits next to him and reads along to the music on the page. But then suddenly we shift into the Riverdale Musical Episode - this is not the in-universe Archie the Musical performances. This is Betty the Riverdale Character singing the song that Kevin wrote back to him, so that he gets to have a consolation experience of directing his classmates in a song. Betty is the first, the comes Veronica, then Choni, Clay, and then to my surprise, lots of unexpected couplings:

Midge and Fangs, singing a little duet portion and entering together are followed by Jughead and Ethel (ETHELHEAD! ETHELHEAD????) singing as a duet who enter the music room together! Reggie, Julian and Dilton are the next cluster. Kevin starts weeping as all his classmates look fondly at him while they serenade him with his own song. These are extremely kind people, to give Kevin this present though he has shown them that he thinks all of them are beneath him and was pretty shitty to them throughout the musical production process. They even give him a group hug.

Jughead is again the one that pops out. He’s sincerely singing this song to Kevin, along with everyone else, and his demeanor is full of sympathy. He looks like a completely different person than the one maniacally, ragefully performing “Jughead as Written by the Misogynist Gay Duo” at the start of the show.

And may I just ask one question please - Why is Veronica able to forgive Kevin’s reductive view of all women and her in particular when she found it absolutely unacceptable in Jughead? WHY?

Uhhh, can Julian please sing all the songs and dance every dance please from here on out??

I still hate Kevin, by the way, even though he’s in pain from his parents’ mysterious divorce.

And Julian Blossom singing Archie going Left/ Archie going right is A FUCKING EARWORM and it’s ringing in my head even now.

#Julian Blossom is awesome at musical theater and it has fucked me up wholesale #riverdale episode recap #riverdale s7 #riverdale episode 114 #archie the musical #too many thoughts about riverdale #anti kevin keller

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riverdale-retread · 1 year ago

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Riverdale S7 E 11 (Chapter 128) Halloween 2

Jughead has found some sort of closure with the death of Rayberry though no answers yet about his potential murder, so he’s back to narrating. Except - you know how Veronica said that his storytelling had troubling sexual politics (i.e. misogynistic)? Well, he disappointed me by casually using the very unexamined & cliche misogynist phrase “crazy cat lady” about that woman who wanted to know if there was some milk she could borrow.

He is not showing his usual acumen at sussing out the weird. Because her obsession with filching milk from the associates of a known suicide is very intriguing. Some questions, such as: Is this area some place that is impossible to get milk delivery? Has she ever seen the milkman or is this a place the milk man never came and suddenly showed up for Rayberry? Is this residence in a food desert where getting basics like milk is difficult? Jughead is usually sympathetic to the underprivileged and yet- 1950s Jughead casual misogyny! #disappoint.

Anyway, after failing to follow up on that potential lead, he nevertheless goes charging over to Sheriff Keller’s house to bother him in the middle of a not great work month to tell him he’s doing his job badly. Unsurprisingly, Keller’s reaction is not amused. Jughead thinks that the milkman is important - “a killer milkman at large” he says, even though he doesn’t like saying it. He literally cringes at himself (decade upon decades ahead of his time) in having to say the words A, Killer, Milkman, At, Large. His hands are up in a very defensive, hands-up pose, begging Please don’t kick me out and Please don’t think i’m crazy. Keller is being very courteous. He says it’s already established that Rayberry suicided - which Jughead vehemently disagrees with.

It’s very hard to get law enforcement to redo homework they’ve already turned in. Keller is not at all an exception to this rule. He wants Jughead to produce someone who actually SAW a milkman, before he opens Rayberry’s case again. He tells Jughead to stop being annoying, trying to give him work and such, then segues immediately into exposition for this episode: Halloween is “not for teenagers looking to make trouble,” so he wants Jughead, a known trouble maker in Keller’s eyes because of his obsession with making Keller do proper policework, to remember “our ban.”

He has Jughead all wrong, does Keller, and always has across all universes. Like, the narrative shows that Jughead liked, at minimum, and probably adored (for unspecified reasons) Jason Blossom but Keller accused Jughead of somehow obtaining a gun, shooting Jason at point blank range in the forehead and then transporting his body all the way to the river to dump it there. Jughead for the past several episodes has been entirely isolated from anyone who does anything social in Riverdale right now (Archie, Reggie, Betty, Veronica), is trying to nurture a romantic friendship with Tabitha Tate, and is also revealed to be someone who has milk as part of his nutritionally complete breakfast - he’s as buttoned up and wholesome in his daily habits as anyone can be, in short - but Keller feels compelled to tell him to not get into trouble on Halloween.

We’re at the very fancily done traincar (Seriously, is that ceiling really like that or is that clever trompe l’oeil hollywood magic via Veronica??), where Jughead, who still manages to sleep with his felt crown without crushing it, contemplates a very full bottle of milk like it’s the skull of Yorick before smelling it then pouring it down the drain.

Many questions again - Does Jughead’s *train car* get milk delivery service? Also he has a drain? It connects to a sewage system somehow? (I also wonder this all the time about the OG Universe Dilton’s Bunker which has a flush toilet.) In any case, he just pours what he thinks might be poisoned straight into the sewage system.

While Drac’s Back (the song) is playing, Veronica is having breakfast at the Babylonium, which has on its marquee “Science Fiction Double Feature.” I have long black hair and bangs. Why can’t my hair look like that? How does she do that? She’s excited because she’s going to wear a whole dominatrix witch outfit to school.

Veronica’s outfit is EYE POPPING. Super high heels, large-gauge fishnet stockings, a boudoir chiffon skirt over a gem encrusted bodysuit, bare shoulders and arms, studded collar, an excellent broom prop and a fantastic witch hat. Her lipstick is black even. Everyone is completely agog, then it turns a bit mocking. As she walks down the hall, Veronica realizes these people don’t do Halloween costumes at school. At all.

When she enters the student lounge, her appearance is greeted with a record scratch sound. Betty can’t stop smiling about how hot Veronica looks to her (“You look- [grin grin grin] everything PLUS.”) Everyone’s reactions are so funny. Dilton is startled but can’t not stare at Veronica’s ass as she walks past him to talk to the people who count. Betty as I’ve said is very happy. Veronica glows so hot Reggie can’t actually keep looking directly at her. Archie is googly eyed with happiness. Why Betty and Archie look at each other to confirm that Veronica is indeed looking very fetching is the question that should launch much speculation about their respective sexualities.

In any case, Archie, then Cheryl, then Toni provide some context rules: Riverdale is uncomfortable about Halloween unlike Greendale which actively celebrates it, to such an extent that teenagers have to observe a sundown curfew. When Archie explains finally that a bunch of teenagers died in a tragic car accident on Halloween a few years back, Clay also looks intrigued. Veronica is bereft about not being able to do anything much on Halloween. Also nobody is allowed to say “hell” - Archie says “raising Heck” and Kevin says “raising Cain.” Reggie won’t even miss it - he’s never celebrated Halloween.

Veronica gives a little speech about all the ways Halloween can be liberating - for sexual exploration as well as to “honor the dead.” When Veronica says “back in Los Angeles” and describes what sounds like a normal Hollywood party, Cheryl has a really bad reaction. Why is Cheryl so enraged every time Veronica talks about Los Angeles? In any case, Veronica says the Lodges had “a family altar” where they lit candles for the dead. Im’ curious about the insane amount of Halloween related decorations that are up in this room anyway - no fewer than five carved Jack O Lanterns, a witch decal, more pumpkins, a couple skulls and ghosts and bats.

Veronica announces that nothing shall hold her down. She also uses the word “gatekeepers” and I don’t know if that means anything. Just in time to her saying, “Just when you think this town couldn’t get any kookier” in comes Jughead. Who immediately starts freaking out about milk. He starts screaming to NOT DRINK FRESH MILK ANYMORE. He slaps Dilton’s milk carton right out of his hand. He advises everyone to Drink Powdered Milk. Veronica is so tired of his silliness. I wonder if she’s going to do anything about it, because she is the only who is shown having a reaction.

We cut to Ethel, on the phone next to a very overbearing Mother Mary statuary AND a crucifix on the wall, telling Jughead she’s OK. Ethel says she misses Jughead (aww) and she misses school but this all just sails right over his head because he is still in his manic episode about the milkman. He tells Ethel, incarcerated in an insane asylum for claiming a milkman killed her parents, that he doesn’t want to upset her further but then directly proceeds to tell her his theory that his favorite author (which she knows! Because they’re actually really friends!) was murdered by “a” milkman at the very least. Then she has a great insight- that it would be useful to talk to whoever wrote the originating Killer Milkman comic. Just as Jughead is about to exult about this idea, Ethel hurriedly says that she has to go because the nun is giving her the evil eye, ending with a meaningful “hopefully I will see you soon.” Jughead wonders what she meant.

At the shop class facilities at school, Archie has successfully involved himself in Betty and Reggie’s twosome project to make Bella a usable car. Reggie and Archie are wearing matchy-matchy his-and-his T shirts smudged just the right amount with gunk (Reggie in white, Archie in green). The two of them flexing their muscles side by side doing car fiddly things makes Betty, who is dressed like Rosie the Riveter but with a pink paisley bandana that leaves most of her hair free, falls immediately into an erotic fugue. Her fantasies are really very specific - a threesome when the two others have eyes - and lips - only for her. Archie wants to give Reggie a “real Halloween” because all he’s ever done is cowtipping.

Betty defines a real Halloween as 1. trick or treating, 2. visiting a graveyard and 3. necking in a haunted house. Archie is familiar with 1 and 2 but she just made up No. 3, I think, because his eyes are bugging out of his head. He looks over at Reggie to see if he’s into it. Reggie is all about it.

Meanwhile, Veronica is flipping through the scrapbook of the Babylonium’s events of the past. There was in 1942 a Halloween Ghost Show at this theater, where a Phantom Polka Dancer would “appear in person” for “one night only.” The phantom polka dancer looks a lot like that possessed girl from The Exorcist. Veronica wants to recreate this ‘Halloween Ghost Show’ but before she can complete her smirk of satisfaction she hears thudding from what should be the empty projection room.

Very bravely, she goes to investigate. In it she discovers the gays necking. Clay pretends he left keys in the room. Veronica wants to do a 1920s glam themed ghost show for a Halloween night indoor event for the teenyboppers - staying with the letter of the law in order to flout its spirit. She’s so ambitious - it’s gonna be “monsters, movies, burlesque” ending with a “raising of the dead at midnight.”

Is Jughead even going to school anymore or does he just pop in and out of the publishing house at lunch time? In any case, his editor in chief keeps zero track of who has written what, so he doesn’t know who wrote the Milkman comics. But he does invite Jughead to the staff party for grown ups.

I guess Betty has completely subdued the school principal as well as his child psychologist boyfriend because the sheer amount of school real estate that Veronica’s promotional activities for her business is allowed to take up in its halls is astonishing. For a town that supposedly has a lot of trauma about four teenagers that died on Halloween, the booth she’s erected is enormous and spectacular. Clay and Kevin shout things like “There will be mayhem” but there isn’t a single disapproving adult in sight. Veronica is brazen. She promises that the four dead Riverdale students will “return from the dead before your very eyes.”

Later, Toni approaches Cheryl to show us that she’s back to her old bullshit. Here she is, drawing Cheryl ‘out’ again, to participate in a gay-backup-dancers-only floor show choreographed by Veronica. Cheryl isn’t so sure about any of this, and in any case, she has Vixen duties. After giving Cheryl (and only Cheryl) an inexplicably hard time about race dynamics, now Toni brings up the need for LGBTQ solidarity in order to force Cheryl into doing something that Cheryl isn’t sure about, that will also cause her to renege on an obligation she feels is a “tradition.” “People like us” is what Toni says. She is so manipulative.

At the end of basketball practice, Uncle Fucking Frank wants to make sure that none of his boys is gonna “go out wilding.” The locker room is also festooned with Halloween paraphernalia. Who put it up and why?

Julian starts to immediately make trouble. He has a little towel draped around his lower half, and I wonder if he’s in the same erotic fugue about Reggie and Archie, because he unnecessarily spread his legs to put one foot up on the bench to show both of them his junk as he invites the two to go ‘wilding’ with him. Reggie says no. Julian starts bark-hooting to get the other boys riled up after announcing that the ‘wilding’ is going to begin in the school parking lot after sundown on Halloween. Archie disapproves, turning his back on everyone to open his locker.

WE HAVE A VERY COOL LOCKER TO LOCKER TRANSITION as Archie closes his locker which then turns into Veronica’s locker door in the girls’ locker room, which she opens. She and Betty are talking about Reggie’s virginity (about Halloween) and how unbelievable that is. Veronica knows that Betty has the hots for someone, so she asks about it. Betty confesses that she has the hots for both Reggie and Archie. She advises Betty to use Halloween night to figure out which one makes her clit tingle more (“figure out which way your love compass is truly pointing”). Veronica’s skin in this game is that she wants to be told all about it the next day.

At the Blossom mansion, Penelope is drinking some red liquor. Her hair is amazingly ridiculous and it looks like a bitch to maintain it so it looks that exact degree of wrong and unflattering. Omg she’s so hot. Anyway. She thinks that Cheryl is less likely to gayly molest the other cheerleaders if they “decamp” the sleepover to “the grand hall.” Julian apparently is fully aware of what is being discussed, enough to object to his mother putting images of his sister engaging in “hanky panky” into the dinner conversation.

Adult supervision finally catches up with Veronica just as she’s putting the final touches on the decorations for her Halloween show. Alice Cooper appears, bristling with insecurity about the new competition in the Halloween entertainment of Riverdale of which she’s had a monopoly so far (“It’s not going to affect our ratings.”) Hence the whole Halloween taboo is partially revealed to be not so much about lowering teen mortality nor in honor of the dead. It’s about ratings & eyeballs on advertisers. Alice says that she will “allow” the event to proceed, but tells Veronica that she has been “put on notice.” About what? That Alice disapproves of Veronica?

After stocking up on Powdered Milk, Jughead hears someone walk directly up to his (very insecure) residence. He’s immediately terrified. He hides after grabbing some sort of hammer or poker or something.

It’s Ethel! She’s all smudged with dirt, wearing a very disheveled inmate uniform.

Jughead wants to know how she escaped from the asylum. She says that she’d heard about the escape tunnels, so she spent all her time looking for them. Having located them, it was her truncated call with Jughead that “gave me the push I needed to make a break for it.” Because she is alone that absolutely nobody ever calls her (not Betty, not Alice, not Dilton, not Ben) that she clung on to the one slight indication she was entirely forgotten! The two of them exchange a tender look. I like them together. Ethel says her keepers were cruel and abusive, so she just needs to make it a “couple months” until she’s 18. Jughead wants to invite her to stay with him, but it’s not safe. He offers Rayberry’s apartment, because Rayberry had the very useful foresight to pay rent through to the end of the year.

Jughead is just the nicest. He is concerned that she might be too afraid to stay in a dead man’s apartment, but Ethel is stalwart. He also invites her to a party her first night sprung from jail.

In the bathroom at school, Midge seeks permission to not have to go to the slumber party from Cheryl. Cheryl responds at first with the party line - the slumber party is “a Vixen tradition” and “the center must hold.” Midge folds immediately.

Cheryl is, I will note again, incredibly powerful in this timeline. Archie really, really didn’t know what he was talking about when he said people don’t listen to Cheryl. He’s simply protected from her wrath by dint of having the ginger gene.

But then, Cheryl realizes she wants to go to the Veronica-led event, so she comes up with the idea to let Evelyn (“that witchy witch”) to host the slumber party instead, so she and Midge can go to the Babylonium instead. The two girls (the gay one and the pregnant one) sweetly affirm to each other how discreet each of them are, and promise to reveal a big secret on Halloween night.

So even though he allowed (or was powerless against) Veronica to do whatever she wanted in terms of her commercial activities, Featherhead and his boyfriend still have hard-ons for giving Jughead Jones a rough time. Jughead is subjected to questioning by the pair as well as Keller and Sister Woodhouse about the missing Ethel Muggs. Being a smart boy, Jughead has learned all the right lessons from Rayberry about how to deal with these people’s pressure tactics. He responds with sarcastic amazement that they’ve essentially ‘lost’ Ethel - that is, he avoids lying but simply neglecting to answer an unstated question. Then when Keller threatens him with another home invasion, Jughead directly asks him not to ‘trash’ the place with a smile, which he wipes from his face immediately to demonstrate his disdain. As he takes his leave, a very Halloween ghost cackles for him as part of the soundtrack transition to the next scene.

At home, Archie and Reggie are putting themselves into the costumes created by Mary Andrews (who can’t stand to be seen now that there are THREE men in the house.) Reggie and Archie discuss Betty. The boys boast to each other about “getting vibes” from Betty. Archie suddenly wonders if Betty might want to “make it” with one of them this night. Made entirely of cheekbones, pouty lips and pecs, this causes Reggie to very homosexually get super close to Archie to say that it wouldn’t surprise him if Betty had such horny plans, since “she ain’t blind.”

It’s very ambiguous actually if he means only himself, or Archie, or both of them. In the mirror, he’s looking at himself frontwise, but he’s also looking at Archie’s sculpted arms and chest and the rest of him in the all american white T and jeans. Archie either genuinely doesn’t (he is just not smart in this universe) or pretends to think that Reggie meant only himself. So they stand shoulder to shoulder in the mirror, because that’s a very heterosexual thing to do, while Archie says that “she might wanna get with me, Reg.” Having been thus rejected, Reggie walks away from him. Unholstering his big gun, Reggie suggests that if either of them get the feeling that Betty has chosen either one of them, the unchosen will “vamoose.” Archie agrees, which leads to the two of them pointing their guns at each other. Twice.

Ethel and Jughead arrive at the Halloween party. I wish I knew what they were dressed as. Jughead is wearing a huge stovepipe hat. Ethel is in the mask that Jughead promised her. The extraordinarily elaborate costumes that all these comic book industry people are wearing would put a lot of cons to shame. Bernie screams for Jughead, launching himself into an embrace. Jughead looks extremely happy to be embracing Bernie. Bernie says “It’s gonna be a crazy night” so Jughead and Ethel enter the fray.

While her parents are hamming it up on tv, Betty’s three suitors (Reggie, Archie and for some reason Dilton) are waiting for her to appear at their home. When Archie and Reggie (meanly) imply that Dilton is there as a form of hero worship for the two of them in his role as “the water boy,” Dilton stands up for himself to let them know that Betty invited him in particular to be here.

When she appears, Betty’s cleavage looks absolutely amazing. It brings Reggie and Archie to their feet. Dilton is so agog that he doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be. Betty has really thought of everything about this entrance, from the costume to the perfect thing to say. She’s Goldilocks because “she couldn’t decide on a bed so she tried all three. Dilton has a really huge pumpkin head as his costume.

Reggie is having the best time trick or treating. He cocks out a hip and deploys his dimples to maximum effect. Of course, the good times can’t last. The four of them witness Julian and others bashing pumpkin decorations with baseball bats as they drive by, hollering. Of course, the cops are nowhere to be seen when it’s Julian Blossom flouting the rules and causing actual property damage. Dilton wisely decides he’s had enough, and goes home.

At Veronica’s event at the Babylonium, things look very “Cabaret” to me, which is 1930s not 20s, but it doesn’t matter. People look very sexy here. The costumes for this are eye popping as well - one girl has a whole 3 foot tall headdress and everything. As soon as Cheryl and Midge enter, Toni is all over Cheryl.

I was so happy they didn’t make me listen to Fangs singing at his big gig, but Riverdale betrays me by forcing me to listen to him at this party.

At the Pep Comics party, workaholic artists gonna art, apparently because sketching is going on - with Ethel participating! Jughead interviews a series of very interestingly wonky-looking people. One guy in a silk top hat who says he doesn’t know who wrote the Milkman story but is seething with jealousy over it. Jonah, in smudgy eyeliner, doesn’t think it was that great. Then Jughead talks to the devil, who tells him that it was “Ted Sullivan, a journeyman writer.” (Ted Sullivan is on the writing staff at Riverdale, and wrote among others, the “Killing Mr. Honey” episode.) After saying his name four times, Riverdale drops the bomb that this Ted is dead, died the same way as Rayberry, because he didn’t think he could live up to the masterpiece that was the Milkman Comic. Then the devil launches into a speech about “the enemy is here, at home” and “we’re the enemies.” Jughead is very startled.

After lighting a truly huge number of candles at the graveyard, Reggie and Bettie are howling at the sky. Reggie says he knows a lot about wolves because he’s a fellow alpha who grew up with them. His way of showing off is so cute and so dumb. “Is that what you think you are? An alpha?” Betty asks in a butter soft voice.

I know they’ll deny it, but Riverdale writing team has read at least some of those werewolf-Serpent fanfics, because this set up - howling together ‘as a joke’ in a graveyard on Halloween then having Reggie and Betty talk like this is almost a fricking prompt for some Retty/Beggie werewolf AUs to be drafted.

What could be a very interesting alpha-omega discussion between this pair is interrupted by Julian and a couple Bulldogs still whooping it up as they cruise around town being a nuisance. Seeing Julian breaks the mood between Reggie and Betty, causing her to go seek Archie out.

Of course, Archie is sadly contemplating his father’s gravestone. Betty starts to apologize immediately. Even though he clearly isn’t, Archie reassures her that he’s fine and that it’s ok and it’s fine. Then he demonstrates how haunted he is by this father’s absence -he immediately launches into a memory. The two used to do a lot of trick or treating together as kids, even doing Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. Then I realize that I fell for it - THIS WAS ALL A PLOY. Archie’s plan was to tug at her heartstrings so he could bring up that he was the OG hotstuff. Well dang, Archie!

Reggie tries to interrupt but his face already admits defeat. He asks to be taken to the haunted house. The three of them go to the murder house. Betty is not at all spooked, so she wanders further into the house to look for “eleven up.”

Reggie is really the most honorable, because he takes this time to discreetly tell Archie that he’s going to vamoose as he originally proposed. Archie is nice too, telling him he doesn’t have to do that, but Reggie is a man’s man (and a genuine ladies’ man) because cock blocking out of spite is just not something he’s willing to do no matter how enticing the girl. Betty comes back with orange sodas. Archie grants Reggie a good enough exit, by telling Betty that Reggie was tired. Betty, despite her earlier threesome fantasy, doesn’t much care which of the pair she gets. She smiles at Archie.

Veronica so loves giving speeches and hosting events. She looks so happy in her black lipstick, standing in front of four coffins. I still can’t believe that this event is going to go forward in this way. This is so callous it’s kind of funny. Anyway, Veronica is going on about the midnight feature, dropping the fact that Boris Karloff is her godfather.

The music number is from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which is very timeline busting. So are we doing like a backwards-reverse Back to the Future thing where instead of a fictional white guy taking credit for a real-life black musical invention from his past ( Rock ‘n’ Roll) we have a fictional Latina woman taking credit for a real-life musical written by a white man in her future? The twisty turny of all this is also breaking my brain because the singing in the actual movie of the real musical (Rocky Horror Picture Show) was very very imperfect except for Tim Curry and Meatloaf, and intentionally so. The singing in the musical numbers of Riverdale also have this same trait - it’s intentionally imperfect except when Josie and Kevin were singing. The overall technical quality of the singing is better than in that musical film (Susan Sarandon can barely sing, which places the Cheryl, Betty, Veronica and Archie actors in a higher competence category). But for some reason (oh fine, because I love Rocky Horror Picture Show) this marmoreal smoothness of the singing by everyone involved is very very horrifying to me. I’m getting literal shivers of distress. There’s just too much camp happening. When it meets the airbrushed camp of Riverdale, the rough-around-the-edges camp of Rocky Horror evaporates, leaving only raunchiness. Riverdale has highly sexual teens, and always has, but at the same time it gets very coy with how it describes sex, sexuality and sexual activity, so I was a bit startled at Clay belting out “orgasmic rush of lust” like that.

Kevin calling for “mommy” when we’ve never seen her but has caused him to be, well, how he is by calling him fat one time because he actually was and he never got over it, is a lot. But then they pan away as he sings “what’s this? Let’s see” as he starts to look at his own crotch I REALLY WANT TO KNOW what the choreo was implied to be. Did he look into the contents of his own crotch pouch? Why is the audience reacting like that??

Cheryl then comes out with the most on the nose bit. She scream-sings: I feel released/ Bad times deceased - and so on. Cheryl has ballet training, and again the technical competence which doesn’t at all cover up the extremely clunky nature of the steps she’s being made to do is horrifying. At the end of her number, she pulls Toni close to kiss her in front of everybody.

We cut to Veronica doing Frank’n’Furter which is a bit like Nicole Kidman being made to sing Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend. There are certain songs that can never be sung by anyone other than that one singer, and “Don’t Dream It” is really one of those songs. The topsy turvy un-doing and re-doing continues, because for a woman (and a very cis, very pretty one at that) wanting to be “dressed just the same” as Fay Wray has zero subversive energy compared to Tim Curry as the transsexual alien doing it, so there’s a neutralizing of the power of that song. In order to make up for it, they put Veronica in a Marlene Dietrich tuxedo-for-girls from Morocco (where Dietrich sings a floor show and then kisses a girl on the mouth in front of everyone to general delight and applause). It’s not fair to pit Veronica’s Riverdalian version of this song (and the screechy belting they make her do given the key choices) against the true blue one by Tim Curry, but it must be said: There’s nothing sensual about the way Veronica is saying things like “give yourself over to absolute pleasure.” Everything she’s doing - the volume of the singing, the thinness of the voice, the effortful meaninglessness of the choreography - is the opposite of giving yourself over to anything.

Into all this, Alice, looking like a bomb has hit her, enters the theater. She reacts with horror. I don’t know if the horror is supposed to be about the nature of the song she’s hearing or it’s from being turned on by Clay dancing gayly in just his shorts. Kevin articulates her shellshocked reaction with yet more exactly on the nose misappropriation of the lyrics (“It’s beyond me/ Help me Mommy”).

All the extra give the hardworking main cast of Riverdale a standing ovation.

Elsewhere, Reggie is walking home all lonesome along the deserted road when very ominously, Julian and two others in death masks stop beside him. Julian says that Reggie should “join the fun unless you’ve got something better to do” because he is “going across the bridge to Greendale to raise some hell.”

OOOH HE SAID THE FORBIDDEN H- WORD!! Was - was the strange word choices in Raising Cain and Wilding and all that leading up to this moment?

Reggie isn’t going to make it with Betty today, so he hops into the car of destruction.

At the haunted house, Archie finally makes a move to Betty, telling her he wants to kiss her. She says she feels exactly the same way. Unfortunately, they are cockblocked by a milkman who peers in on them. Betty is smart - she isn’t afraid of no ghosts, but a real-life white guy being creepy is very good reason to run the heck away.

After the event, Clay and Kevin are cleaning up like the good theater people they are. Veronica wants to do a weekly midnight event at the theater that is “Fun and Campy.” We are being extraordinarily on the nose today. Anyway, the gays are worried about Veronica’s homelessness after parental abandonment, leading to her having to live in the movie theater. Veronica lies about all of it (“everything’s peachy”) because she can’t stand sympathy or pity from others.

At the Diner, Midge and Fangs have told Cheryl and Toni their big secret (her “honeybun” in the oven). Midge then remarks on the fact that Cheryl and Toni have effectively come out to all the teenagers who were there at the Babylonium. Toni is so glad that they’ve all put away their masks.

I don’t know how loud they were speaking or if Evelyn just has superhuman hearing capacity, but she is there at the diner (somehow? why? how? isn’t she supposed to be hosting the sleepover? Is she there to pick up a midnight snack??)

Archie and Betty are safely back at home. They tell each other that they had the “best” time ever. Now, they are cockblocked by Alice, who takes out her distress at finding Clay very hot by yelling at her daughter in front of the whole neighborhood.

With a quiet moment to herself, Veronica lights a votive candle to… Rudolph Valentino. Why is he on the altar with her grandmother? Where’s Boris Karloff?? There’s a Jughead amount of candles lit in her small living area she’s made in the movie theater. Veronica sleeps with a photo of herself with her parents. Oh the poor baby. She’s very upset.

Jughead has walked Ethel to Rayberry’s apartment. Jughead is not wearing any sort of headgear - no crown, no jokey hat. I - I feel like he’s en déshabillé. Unable to resist the hair,

Ethel invites him in, using a tone of voice that sets all my shipping urges tingling. Except -oh poor Ethel. This is the universe - THIS IS IT! - the one where she could totally have a thing with Jughead, but there’s Tabitha! Tabitha the Real is out there saving all of the multiverse and Tabitha of this world is out there on the bus tour against racism. No dice. Jughead says he’s tired and that he needs to feed the dog. Sigh. Ethel totally reacts like this is a rejection of her invitation to an assignation, but she’s nice about it. But come on Jughead, live a little! (Sorry, Tabitha, but Ethel was here - in my heart - first.)

As soon as Ethel enters the Rayberry apartment, dun dun dun, that weird guy in the milkman outfit is totally in there waiting for her.

Jughead is walking out when he gets accosted by that very plot-important lady obsessed with forcing her neighbors to make a milk donation to her cat. She says, “Oh I thought you were the milkman” because she heard the bottles again. There’s both a Dutch Angle AND dolly zoom happening as Jughead puts it all together, before rushing back to the Rayberry former residence shouting for Ethel.

Jughead breaks down the door! He falls faceforward into the apartment, only to make direct eye contact with the corpse on the floor. “Jeepers” he says and - seriously, truly, this was wonderful line delivery. I mean it.

Ethel is having HER MOMENT. She’s so super tall to begin with, so she looks totally magnificent, holding a bloody knife, standing victorious over the dead milkman, as she passionately tells Jughead, “I told everyone it was a milkman!” Jughead looks so scared.

Archie is woken up in the middle of the night by Uncle Frank, who seems very upset. He says a carful of Bulldogs went over the bridge into the River. Archie stares upset at Reggie’s very empty bed.

If they made Reggie die in the racist’s car I will be pitching a FIT.

#too many thoughts about Riverdale #Riverdale episode 128 #riverdale 7.11 #riverdale s7 recap #riverdale s7 #riverdale episode recap

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