#Rich Bitch Rio really CAME THROUGH this episode

[mrslackles]

Thought you’d never ask.

2𝓍𝟣𝟣 – 𝑅ɪᴏ’𝓈 𝐿ᴏᴏᴋʙᴏᴏᴋ

Look #1

If there is anything you have come to know about me at this point, it’s that I love this man in a coat. The 1x09 coat? Exquisite. The 1x06 coat? A dream. The 1x07 Cosy Extreme™️ jacket? Wrap me up in it. If it’s soft and enrobing him, I’m into it. Or so I thought.

Why are there brown buttons on a blue coat? Why does it look like a cross between a jacket, a coat and a bathrobe? Why is it buttoned all the way to the top? Why does it look like he took it from his granddad’s closet? (Spot the difference, I dare you.) I like a thrifty king, but stealing from the elderly is where I draw the line.

For those keeping track, we have not seen Rio’s head since 2x09. He could be bald under there. He also hasn’t worn a beanie like a normal person since 2x07.

4.5/10

Look #2

Remember when I got excited about multiple angles on the 2x02 outfit? This episode said Hold my art hoe craft beer.

I will go to my deathbed wondering who tf these yuppies are that Rio is casually dapping up with. 

I actually really admire Rio’s audacity bravery because I, myself, would never be able to climb into a Cadillac while wearing that beanie and my one pair of shoes. Respect. 

Remember when I was shocked by the concept of his outfits travelling? Well, this time we get him in the same outfit in his fourth location:

It’s nothing special, just a variation on his 2x10 outfit by swapping in his second TJ Maxx jacket that also doesn’t pass my sandpaper test.

Rio is a constant Yanny/Laurel situation with his dark blues and blacks. From future episodes, I know this jacket is blue, but then it looks so black against this blue (?) beanie:

Sigh. He threw the shade-matching rulebook out the window last episode and clearly he is not interested in getting it back. 

For those of you keeping track (we’re all doing so, right?), we haven’t seen Rio’s hands since 2x09 because he suddenly believes in winter, I guess, and so this is a momentous occasion:

Hands! Honestly he could’ve been couriering his own fingers for all we knew. And he’s wearing his iconic leather bracelets. (We have not had any jewelry action in a while.)

He’s obviously wearing his one pair of Converse (and oh, we’ll get to that in a second) with his jeans stacked. (Literally what was even happening with the roll-up in 2x08? Was he going through a Cool Dad phase? Oh, Rio.)

Also, quick question @ Squinty McSquinterson: Do you still have hair, sir? Did you dye it all blond? Are the tops of your ears recovering from frostbite? Did you piss off your barber? #BeaniesMustFall

5.5/10

BONUS: Rio’s closet

Hooooboy, this episode we were blessed. For so long we’ve judged the Crime Closet while only guessing at the contents of his normal wardrobe, but this episode took us into the fashionista’s sanctum sanctorum and it’s a rollercoaster, folks.

But, first, we have to do a rapid-fire round with these bonus outfits:

Matching his son (who of course looks fabulous) in blue and we can see his head. Jacket buttoned all the way up, though, and that same pair of Converse. 6/10

A black shirt even on a daytime trip with his family, but he is doing a very deliberate booty pop for the camera that is much appreciated. 8/10

Yet another beanie paired with the one bomber jacket he owns. Zero regard for matching Marcus or that they’re at the park and he looks like the Grim Reaper. 7/10

But... is that the only bomber jacket he owns? Gird your loins.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?! There are leather jackets, there’s a linen jacket (??), there are beige shirts, there are white shirts, there are light blue shirts. There’s even a pinstripe shirt?? Where is he wearing these items to?? Clearly not on days out with his son and even his date shirt was dark green, so honestly wtf? 

His favourite bar-matching red shirt is also nowhere to be found. Is the Crime Closet literally in a whole different space? Does Rio secretly work at a hedge fund? Not to be the ‘I told you so’ person, but I did tell you we couldn’t trust him. 

I’m SICKENED by this shoe display. You mean to tell me that the man who has worn the same three (3) pairs of shoes over 21 episodes owns dress boots? Chukkas? Several pairs?!?! I am disgusted and appalled. The only solace this gives me is that there are two pairs of Converse (plus the ones he’s wearing) here, so at least he’s been rotating them out and not just wearing that same pair in every scene in every episode. I do question whether he knows that shoes come in other colours? 

...Apparently he knows jeans do??

I find it pretty hilarious that there’s a whole stack just for black jeans (and sweaters!), but I question where he is wearing those blue jeans to? Are they being paired with the linen jacket? What is the meaning of life?

I’m also horrified to learn that he owns several grey cashmere sweaters but could not deign to wear one to either of the pictured days with his son when Marcus was wearing grey. Do better, Rio. (Is it weird to anyone else that he owns stacks of the exact same item? Who shops this way? And keeps them all together like that? Adrian Monk would approve of this closet.)

Also, I would like to know who I can sue for never having shown us Rio in one of his cashmere sweaters. I need this visual for research purposes. Also, where is the underwear drawer?

And because I guess this experience hasn’t been dizzying enough, we’re presented with these watches:

I-- truly and honestly don’t know where to start. A yellow leather band?! Square faces?! Also, the black leather bracelets would like to know where these watches have been the entire season? They’ve been pulling the entire accessory load while these have just been sitting here in his bedside table? Is Rio scared of getting robbed? Because his arm piece would definitely be the thing of value, not the Cadillac or gold gun. Is he afraid people will judge him for having old-man coats and watches? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

8/10 -- for sheer WTF value

And speaking of WTF...

Rio’s Lookbook: Home Edition