#Rewatching rvb with adult eyes is making me so fucking emo dude

[funsize-cenobites]

Small thing I've noticed in my Freelancer arc rewatch that I'm sure someone- maybe many people- has already brought up. I'm not sure if it was intentional or just down to Shannon's performance but I kinda love it regardless-

In the moments when Wash has had enough and snaps at someone. When his voice raises and he's impressing on them just how stupid something they said sounded or how idiotic they're acting. In the brief moments before he wrangles himself back into control and masks the stronger emotions:

His anger and annoyance really really seem to mirror Church's.

And this is why I can't be sure whether or not it was intentional. Outbursts like this are already a staple of RvB's comedy and each character has their moments like this. However while rewatching Reconstruction and hearing both Washington and Church in tandem, I can't not notice it. It feels like a very subtle not subtle nod to their connection. One you only really recognize after having the context.

The pitch and way their voices crack- even the flash fire immediacy of it- when they snap just feels so eerily same-ish.

But at the same time, with Washington a lot of these moments feel almost like an intrusion. As if he genuinely hates that it happens. Its always immediate, like Church's outbursts of impotent rage, brief, and he tries to cut it off as quick as it comes. He always seems to try and return to monotones pretty quickly.

It doesn't feel out of place persay- we see Washington in later seasons pre-Epsilon and he's plenty capable of getting upset and yelling, but it doesn't feel... the same. I could be misremembering how Shannon and the writers characterized him during PFL but at least in rewatching now and knowing all the little eccentricities abd details they wrote into the show back then, post-Epsilon Wash's moments of frustrated anger feel like a bleed. It feels like that aspect of Epsilon- probably one of the strongest Wash felt aside from pain and fear- has been hard to shake.

Which is where I go more into speculative territory?

Because with all we know from the end of Reconstruction: Wash suffered most of the trauma from Epsilon in silence so the Councilor and Director wouldn't know.

While he clearly had some kind of initial break from reality- likely a fairly awful catatonic state with bursts of semi-lucidity and confusion- Wash managed to keep at least some semblance of his shit together. I assume by leaning hard into dissociation and derealization both as a coping mechanism and a way to protect himself and that little bit of Epsilon forever imprinted within him.

Epsilon is Memory. He is The Cycle incarnate. He lives, ironically, whether or not his AI form survives because of Washington. Because he gave it all to him. Epsilon is just a part of Wash now, forever. That part of the fragment that is stuck in time, trapped in place, and suffering.

And I gotta stress this bit: Wash could have said something, but he never did.

I do think its because he realized that the suffering of himself, his team, and Alpha, couldn't be for nothing.

I do, wholeheartedly believe that even in insanity, even after being devalued and mocked by his team (Despite clearly being good at what he does? Hes on Carolina's team. Hes on the MOI with the Director. Hes pretty consistently high on the leader board!) and presumably, abandoned by them... Wash listens to Epsilon. He has such empathy.

I promise all this has a point, Im not JUST spouting Agent Washington propaganda- though it is also that.

I just mean to show how complex I see their relationship, both incredibly, painfully brief yet lifelong. We didn't get to see how long exactly they were together before Epsilon tried to destroy himself but it was long enough for Wash to listen and to care.

It was long enough that Washington became a survivor after losing Epsilon, but... wasn't he always? All that changed was that now he had a Purpose.

As far as his compassion and empathy goes, even later on with Wash never wanting his mind violated like that ever again; even with him never being okay with putting another AI in his mind casually. I don't think he truly hates Alpha or Epsilon. I actually think he has the most empathy for Epsilon out of anyone because lmao, who else could know him more intimately?

I like to think in his own way, while taking the only chance he had, Epsilon begged Wash for help, to be avenged and remembered.

Epsilon probably knew they wouldn't delete him. Probably knew being implanted was the only chance he had to destroy himself while ensuring the mission of vengeance lived on. He begged Wash for help, knowing damn well that what he was doing was breaking Wash too.

Passing on the trauma. Starting another cycle of harm like the Director before him.

But you know? Despite all this being my own current thoughts/opinions on it, I kinda love thinking of it this way. I love that Washington... breaks that cycle eventually.

He finds a home with the Blues. He loves all the sim troopers and eventually realizes that he's hurt each and every one of them. Then he spends the rest of his life trying to make up for it.

In that way, moreso than the death of the Director or dismantling of PFL as a whole, I think Wash did do right by the Epsilon in his head. His Epsilon. And by proxy, himself. Because- circling all the way back to the original idea of the post- you can't have one without the other anymore.