#Reasons why Satan shouldn't give advice

[chaosangel767]

Flirt War

Fandom: Obey Me 

Pairing: Asmo/ reader

Warning: NSFW - Crude Language 

“Asmo get the fuck out of my room before I hang you by your balls. “ I was thoroughly annoyed by the touchy avatar of lust. He usually flirts with me and will make snide remarks, but lately it was getting out of control. He was constantly trying to touch her and flirt with the small human. 

“But darling I want to cuddle before dinner,” He whined pushing his champagne colored bangs out of his face. He wrapped his arms around me and 

“I need to go to the library to study with Satan and get my tasks done. Now get the heck of my room.” I release myself from his grasp, grab my bag and book it to the library. Once there I look for Satan, finding him in a niche by the fireplace.

“You're late y/n” Satan looked up at me. I sighed heavily and knelt in the chair next to him.  

“Asmo hasn’t been leaving me alone lately, he has been ultra flirty and clingy and I don’t know how to handle it.”I apologize as I got my books out. The blonde demon listened to my rant before  offering me some tea and snacks. We calmly started to work on our assignments and Satan worked to show me demonology and chemistry, it was such a calm few hours before dinner. There was a spell on the library so that it blocked out the noises of the rest of the house. It was my favorite place to be, no Mammon to cling to me or Asmo to flirt. These brothers are so chaotic. 

“Yn it's time to get ready for dinner.” Satan said softly as I worked on Chemistry. I groan softly not wanting to move and face the brothers. 

“Uuuugh time to go back to the chaos and Asmo’s pick up lines.” I groan picking up my stuff. 

“You should stop taking his shit, just back sass him like you do everyone else” Satan advises with a smirk. He knows how sassy I can be when I am in a bad mood. I nod at him and leave the library before going to my room to get ready. It was Beel’s night to cook so I know to make it quick so there’s food left. I showered and changed from my RAD uniform to a f/c t-shirt dress and flats. A large black belt went around my waist and I threw my  h/l h/c in a ponytail. I walked don to dinner seeing everyone but Mammon there. Solomon sat next to Asmo since they had been working on a project together. I sighed and braced myself for the pickup lines. I sat down just in time to hear. 

“Oh y/n that’s such a cute dress, it would look amazing on my floor.” Asmo complimented with a smirk. I saw Mammon start to get angry at his comment. 

“I actually think it would look better shoved in your windpipe.” I replied before taking food and looking at Mammon's dropped jaw. He blushed and looked away. Solomon was trying not to laugh. 

“ Well damn y/n I just googled “sexy” and a pic of you just came up.” Asmo pressed on, giving me his charming smile. 

“Well you’ll get the same result if you google “not interested” I replied breaking our eye contact. Mammon snorted next to me and I met Satan's mischievous eyes. Solomon started choking on his food. After a few minutes he cleared his throat and I looked over. 

“ Y/n there is something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off of you. “Solomon's smooth voice met my ears. I looked up and met his eyes, I snorted. 

“I’m having issues with mine too Solomon, I can’t see you getting anywhere with me.” I replied already tired of this nonsense. Everyone but Beel had caught what was going on and they wanted to see what would happen next, Beel was just eating his food and looking confused. I glared at Asmo and Solomon and they were looking at each other, trying to plan what was going to happen next. I looked over at Satan who was smirking at me, pride in his eyes at the flustered look on Solomon and Asmo's face. 

“Hey Y/n” Asmo asked me, I looked over at him and raised my eyebrow. 

“Yes Asmo ”I replied uncertainly, everyone was listening to what was going to happen next. 

“I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out.” He asked innocently as he grabbed a roll from the table. 

“Asmo honey, didn’t you know I’m a best seller? I’m currently unavailable.” I replied sweetly as I hear Satan cough and hide his smirk, Lucifer had his mouth open. I raised an eyebrow at the two troublemakers and waited for the next line to come out their mouth confident and revenge fresh on my tongue. Solomon kept his eyes on me while Asmo looked down at his plate. After a few moments of silence. 

“Y/n my dear, if I said you have a beautiful body will you hold it against me?” Solomon raised his eyebrows at me suggestively and I roll my eyes. I heard Mammon and Levi next to me getting angry. Beel is starting to blush at all the innuendos finally realizing what is going on. 

“Solomon if I said I wanted to check out your ass, would you turn around and walk away? I asked in response, raising my eyebrows in question. Lucifer took that moment to clear his throat. 

“Solomon, Simeon texted me to tell you he needs help at purgatory. One of your spells got spilled. '' Lucifer informed him and Solomon went wide eyed before he got up. He said a quick goodbye before he walked out swaying his hips a little. I rolled my eyes as Mammon put his hands over my eyes. 

“Don’t look y/n” he told me. I snorted

“Mammon, the avatar of lust can’t charm me, you really think a human ass is going to?” I asked, turning and looking at him, my eyebrows raised. Mammon started to stutter while Levi and Satan started to laugh. 

“Hey Y/n wanna hear a joke about my dick?” I raised my eyes at the sudden words. Levi coughed next to me. “Nevermind it's too long” Asmo winked in my direction. I snorted at him

“Hey Asmo you wanna hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind your never going to get it.” I winked back at him as Mammon started to choke on his dinner. 

“ But Y/n I want to give myself to you?” Asmo whined, I could tell he was reaching his breaking point. I was getting tired of the constant pickup lines and the flirting. If Asmo could settle down I would go with him in a heartbeat, but he can’t settle down and I am not a plaything, or a prize for Solomon and Asmo to win. 

“ Sorry Asmo I don’t accept used gifts” I replied without missing a beat. I saw his face fall a little, as he seemed stumped. Lucifer shot me a warning look and I put my hands up. I was just replying to Asmo’s advances. Thankfully I was done eating and decided to flee before Asmo came up with more. I had temporarily stumped him and deflated his ego a little. Taking the small victory I stood up.

“Alright guys, I am heading to my room. I need to finish some work so please leave me alone.” I rose from the table and walked around to where Asmo was sitting. I smirked and leaned down next to him. “ your face would look better with my legs wrapped around it” I whispered slyly in his ear. I watched his jaw drop as I winked and walked up to my room, listening to Levi and Mammon start to protest and get upset. I hear Satan laughing at Asmo’s face. Oh I’m going to pay for that later. But this small victory was so worth it.

[arcadejohn127-9]

Demon brother's reaction to Teenage! MC being effected by their sin

Slight angst but not really, just stressed guilty demons not wanting to be a bad influence on you

Lucifer:

Normally you weren't too bad with asking for help

Hesitant but never this avoident

He leaned on your doorway, watching as you hunched over your desk

Trying hard to continue your work despite your growing frustration

He decided to step in, gently knocking on your door

"what is it? I'm busy."

"You look like you need help, what class are you struggling in?"

There seemed to be a snap within you

You turned to him with a furious look; eyes filled with shame and anger

"Are you implying I'm stupid?! I don't need your help! Don't look down on me!"

He recognized this; it was similar to his thought process

You were suffering with your pride

But he insisted, his own pride flaring up and not wanting to accept that he's rubbed off on you in any way

The two of you argued until it got to the point you were crying

He pushed himself through his own wounded ego and pulled you into a hug

Apologizing for not noticing his sin was effecting you sooner

Mammon:

He was always dragging you along with his terrible plans

It was no wonder that his sin started to affect you

You become possessive of anything you owned and refused to spend money

No matter how much you needed something you refused to spend a penny

Not wanting to see the decrease of money in your piggy bank

Mammon only noticed when you became more impulsive

Whilst you were a trouble maker yourself, you were also his impulse control and voice of reason

It shocked him when you completely agreed to heist some witches

"Oi, aren't you supposed to be the voice of reason here?! Why are you agreeing to do something like that, huh?!"

You didn't understand why he was trying to be the mature one

He bickered with you about your recent behaviour; not liking the change

"why can't I be greedy?! You're the avatar of greed, you should be encouraging this behaviour!"

"Because you're better than that! You know I want you to spoil yourself and of course, me, but you can't be trying to rob people with me."

"but you wanted me to!"

It went on like that for awhile until Lucifer came and found you two

You were both put in time out for being stupid

You had to be away from mammon until his Sins effect worn off

Levithan:

He was freaking out you were envious of HIM

some shut in who does nothing with his life but game and obsess over anime

When you expressed jealously over the fact he got to stay at home all the time and do whatever he wanted

REPEATEDLY

He was starting to think something was wrong with you

There's no way you could be as envious as him!

"Who are you and what did you do to my player 2?! Are you a little D in disguise?!"

"I wish I was a little D, they look so cute and have cool little horns-"

He tries to exorcise you

Locked you out his room when he realized your behaviour was because of his sin

He feels terrible

But don't worry, when you're back to normal he lets you play whatever you want and sneaks you out of school to stay at home

Satan:

At first he thought it was hormones but as soon as he brought it up

He was yelled at for being insensitive and made you upset

"NOT EVERYTHING IS HORMONES! WHAT?! I CAN'T FEEL THINGS NORMALLY?!"

At first, he took it as you were just having a bad week and tried be mindful of his words

But when he saw you throw a book because you could do your homework without struggling

He pieced together that there was something wrong

He didn't want to release his wrath on a teenager

He wasn't going to throw hands- maybe he will if you keep snapping at him like that

Definitely an argument that shakes the whole house

"YOU DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT HUMAN! I AM THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLDER THAN YOU! YOU WILL RESPECT ME AND STOP BEING SUCH A MOODY LITTLE-"

"SHUT UP OLD TIMER! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! I SHOULD YOU BE IN A NURSING HOME!"

Just for both of your safety the brothers split you two

You were grounded for a week for destroying the library along with Satan

The break let him figure out his sin was effecting you

When you weren't grounded anymore he came to your room to apologize

Asmodeus:

He noticed your influx in sexuality

Coming to him more about advice and becoming open about what you're interested in

He found it adorable, happy you're discovering yourself

It only became an issue when he found out Mammon was in a fight with a lower demon over you

Even asmo has challenged a few demons to stay away from you as you kept trying to force yourself in adult situations

The more reckless you got the more worried he got

"I love your spirit but you have to be careful, you're still young and shouldn't be apart of that crowd."

"I'll be safe if I'm with you, right? So why does it matter-"

"Wait until your older to go to the type of parties they're going to, it's too extreme."

You didn't enjoy the brothers stopping you from doing what you wanted

Lucifer kept dress coding you

Asmo ended up helping you be able to express yourself and feel mature but without sexualizing yourself

Though, it was a shame he had to take a break from spending time with you

Seeing as it was his sin that was effecting you

Definitely, the most supportive but wants you to be safe

Beezlebub:

An eating buddy? He was overjoyed!

He felt proud when he noticed you were eating more than usual

Even offering you food more often when he noticed you looked peckish

You were always helping him with his hunger so he wanted to return the favour

Did get confused when you kept insisting you were still hungry after sharing a buffet with him

"Are you sure? I don't know if humans can eat that much, you seem full-"

"But I'm hungry!"

"Lack of water can make you feel hungry, let's go get some drinks."

He had a hard time saying no to you

He was sucker for your puppy eyes, always falling for your tricks

When he saw your hunger expressed itself in more ways than hunger

He put two and two together; you were becoming overwhelmed with gluttony

He wasn't always the sharpest but when it came to knowing himself and his loved ones?

He's got it

Has the other brother's distract you and keep you away from him

He was really guilting he was effecting you, he didn't mean to but now you're in pain and never satisfied

He couldn't stand to see it

Belphegor:

He often got you to sleep besides him so when you started sleeping more; he didn't think much of it

He was enjoying the company

Having someone sleep as much as him was rare and wasn't natural for a human

But life was stressful and he didn't want to get in your bussiness

That was until it became his business

Your lack of motivation was conflicting his lack of motivation

He'd ask you to do something for him but you'd be too tired to do it

"You're still in bed? I asked you for your hair brush hours ago."

"just give me a minute, I'm not feeling it today."

You were getting in trouble at school due to your depressive like state

All the brothers got worried when they noticed you didn't leave your room all day

Luckily, you staying in your room all the time gave you the break you needed

Everyone was relieved when you bounced back

[alysmarylin]

The war is over, my love is not

The second part of a fic about Crowley and Aziraphale during World War II, the first part is here (sorry, don't know how to insert proper links):

In this fic Aziraphale and Crowley meet for the first time since 1941 among ruins of Berlin. I'm a Russian myself and I entertained a thought that Crowley made friends with Soviet soldiers.

Aziraphale could smell the scent of Death in the air. He'd been on Earth since the very beginning of time, and he'd seen just as many deaths as anyone could. But it was different there, in ruins of Berlin, where bodies piled up among rocks and metal and ragged cloth. He knew, reasonably, that if the world was about to end, he'd be notified. It wasn't a horseman on a paled mare whose name was Death, not yet - it was nothing but works of Man. And yet, if felt like the end of the world. He was an angel, but even he started to fear that God wasn't there anymore.

Aziraphale came there by the end of April, out of his own will, wishing to help as many souls reach Heaven as he could. He filled those dying of despair and dread with hope and forgiveness, he eased the pain of children he couldn't save, he gave heartbroken mothers' souls respite, he healed festered wounds of those whose flesh was torn apart and rotting.

He wished he could've ended it all, long before it came to that, but one angel couldn't stop the madness of a Mankind, and God... God was silent.

"Animals don't kill each other with clever machines, angel, only humans do that" - he heard Crowley's words inside his head. Oh, to think he believed the guilliotine was the worst they could do... Crowley always turned out to be right. Aziraphale would get angry at him, but in the end, he'd always be right. Last time he saw Crowley, in 1941, they both thought they've already seen butchery and unmatched atrocities. That was before Auschwitz. He wondered, what Crowley would've said about Auschwitz. He wondered where Crowley was.

"Maybe I should've told him".

He often wondered if it was his love for Crowley that kept him going for past 4 years. He'd seen a lot of things that made it hard to still love humanity, or trust God with his ineffable plan. But his will to see Crowley once again - to take him for a long walk or to a dinner out, or just to look at him from afar, made it all worth surviving. Even what he'd seen in Poland. One could never forget those kinds of things...

His eyes filled with tears, despite his best efforts. If only tears of angel could heal the humanity, or just one single human soul.

He walked further from the ruins towards the street, when he hears a sudden noise that broke the silence. Aziraphale stopped.

That was a tank driving down the street, men speaking and laughing in some foreign language. Russians? Might be. It was a time for their victory, after all. It was their time to celebrate and laugh, before they come back to their ravished homes to cry once again.

Suddenly, the tank stopped and one man took off and walked down the street. Other men waved him goodbye as they moved forward.

The man seemed healthy enough to walk, and as far as Aziraphale could see, there was no blood on his face or his clothes. He was dressed in grey or dusty black, and his clothes seemed ragged and dirty, but so was everything else - there was nothing but dirt and blood and ashes around them. The man was walking towards him. His face was covered in dirt as well. And then, as sun came out from the clouds and lighted the entire street, the man's hair shone with flaming red tounges of fire underneath all the filth that covered it.

"A redhead", Aziraphale thought. "It's well past time I stopped shivering at every readheaded man I see". But he couldn't help it. He couldn't take that picture out of his head. And then he heard man's voice.

- You really don't change, angel. All that wreckage around and you're all in white.

He didn't want to believe his ears or eyes. He had already been mistaken for a couple of times before, and that bitter realisation had always been way more painful than no hope at all.

But it was unmistakenly Crowley, thinner than ever, in ragged clothes, white teeth shining like angel's wing, as he was grinning mischovously. His red hair was a huge mess, he was covered in dust, but he still managed to wear dark glasses in all this poorest state of affaies.

- Show me your eyes. - Aziraphale mumbled. - I want to know I'm not hallucinating.

- They shouldn't be surprised to see snaky-eyed lad after what they've done themselves, angel. - Crowley took his glasses off, but then put them back within a moment. - But I still prefer my privacy.

- Oh, Crowley! - Aziraphale grabbed him in his arms, unable to hold tears anymore. - I'm so glad to see you. I've seen such horror, I've.... I've been here since April, and I was in Poland before that, and I almost lost my faith...

- Come on, don't be like that. - Crowley gently pushed him away. - I can't blame you for your tears, though. There were things that could make Satan himself tremble. But it's not demonic work, of that I can assure you.

- I know. Works of Man. Our Lord's most beloved creation. - Aziraphale was well past the point when he blamed Hell for human atrocities.

- Well, I guess it's almost over now. - Crowley gently put his arm on angel's shoulder. - I was planning to go home soon enough.

- Home?

- London, not Hell. You wanna go with me?

Aziraphale felt bad for feeling so much joy amidst such destruction, and yet he couldn't help but smile.

- I do. I haven't been there in a while. The place I lived in was destroyed. My bookshop, though - I hope it's alright.

- I'll have to find myself a new place. Maybe you could give me some advice, I haven't been to England since I left in 1941. I left my Bentley in Paris, in some reliable hands. Well, I hope they're reliable. I have to believe car's fine, or else I won't forgive myself.

- I bet there's not a scratch on it. - Aziraphale smiled. He told himself he'd use all his powers if something happened to Crowley's car. - We can drive home together, if you wish.

- I don't think it's safe, angel. We'd better meet in London. At least there IS London to meet in. - Crowley smiled.

They walked past ruins, as sun was setting down.

- Those soldiers, - Aziraphale asked - That dropped you off... You spoke their language? You speak Russian?

- Why act all surprised? - Crowley sounded a bit offended. - I speak a number of languages, I've been there for a while, you know. Not that I'm fluent or anything, but I made it clear I'm not a German, for a start.

- Have you been there? On Eastern front? - One thing Aziraphale knew of Eastern front, is that young boys came back all white-haired from there, if they were lucky, or unlucky enough to survive it.

- For a while. I've been to a number of places. Not that I want to recall it now, when all this is over.

They reached the crossroads, and Crowley stopped.

- You're here to help people find their final peace, aren't you? - Crowley asked.

- I am. And you? I wonder if Hell still has any work to do, given the...

- I'll just make sure right people will make it to Hell. - Crowley smirked. - That's about all I can do now.

- I hope I'll be back in London by September. If my bookshop is still there, I'll be waiting for you to come. If not...

- I'll find you anyway, mr. Fell. Such a neat surname you made yourself - Fell. But you didn't fall, it's me who fell, no? - Crowley asked teasingly.

- I was never as good as you at making up names, Anthony J. - Aziraphale replied - If you're so good at searching for people, then I'll see you soon.

- Bye, angel. See you.

Crowley turned around and started walking down the street, his tall figure looking completely black in setting sun. Before Aziraphale could make himself start walking away, Crowley suddenly turned around and shouted:

- I told you we'd win!

, before disappearing completely.

He was right, Aziraphale thought. The nightmare of war was almost over. He was daydreaming of them, meeting once again in London, when he saw a tank driving down the street in his direction.

"It way be foolish of me, but..."

He took a bunch of flowers from inside his jacket - a miracle too minor to be noted - and threw it to the soldiers sitting on the tank. He didn't understand what they said - unlike Crowley, he didn't know a word in Russian - but they smiled at him, and Aziraphale laughed himself, for the first time in 6 years.

[alines7777]

aight, here's a piece of 'creative writing' that i've been brainstorming.

basically, it's about samson, a famed homophobic and transphobic radio evangelist, who dies and goes to hell, and meets the princes of hell, who subsequently berate him for his character and deeds on earth. and it more or less gets into the CORE reason why conservatives always turn out to be shitheads in their seeking of bible verses as a shield for their bigotry, and even hypocrisy. it's also to demonstrate that, as written in the tanakh, god is beyond good and evil, especially any one person's view of it.

the thing here is that based on everything i read from the bible, everything the princes of hell say here is true, or at the very least reasonable. and i think the following sort of bigotry and disrespect toward humanity as a whole, whom lucifer accurately calls the ADAM, is the character attributed to lucifer in other texts, and i also think it serves as a nice foil for samson's bigotry toward the lgbti community, just as samson serves as a nice foil for lucifer's expulsion from YHVH's hosts.

and on that note, i think it would be fair warn that this work includes the use of transphobic slurs, albeit from a perspective of a being that cares as little for humanity as a whole as it does toward the plight of trans people.

but what both of them never really stop to consider is that they all supposedly share god's breath in common. and god's breath is held in the tanakh as the source of life, that every breath we take is literally god's.

(try to imagine leviathan sounding as though he's stifling laughter as he speaks)

....

samson : ugh. who are all of you? where am i?

leviathan : GEHINNOM. HELL.

samson : no! that can't be right! that's impossible! i was spreading the truth about your bid to destroy america with the gay and trans agenda! i was bringing people back to the right path that god set for man and woman in marriage. i was saving america from your throes! i was the champion of the holy crusade against the trans and gay agenda to soften and feminize america to make it yours instead.

* the princes start busting into laughter *

asmodeus : are you kidding? as if anyone even needs sodomy or transsexuality to be pulled away from marriage in the first place! o, but i'm sure you know better from experience, right? but we have witnessed the rise and fall of MANY nations throughout EONS, so why should we even remotely care about america above any others? what an idiot!

lucifer : listen, samson, god is the one who chooses the fate of all nations, not us, haven't you even read the word he left for you? so if "the sodomites and transsexuals" really are destroying america as you say they are, then it's precisely because god wants them to, now you're free to take any guess at why. besides, we are hardly interested even in the ADAM that you'd find here, let alone those that still roam earth, and you won't find us delivering any of our bidding to DIRT beneath our feet. there is no fight between us and YHVH over the ADAM, the only ones you have to blame for your sins and the fall of your nations are YOURSELVES.

leviathan : AND THEY'RE STILL CONCERNED OVER THE COLORS OF THEIR BEDSHEETS [flags]. TAKE CARE THAT THEY SHOULDN'T TURN YELLOW AND BROWN FROM THAT PANIC YOU'RE IN! *laughs uncontrollably* HOW RIDICULOUS! WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO SAY.

*leviathan, again succumbing to uncontrollable laughter, puts a seal on samson's mouth to keep him from speaking up again*

leviathan : WE CAN ONLY FEAR THAT WHATEVER ELSE YOU SAY FOR YOURSELF MIGHT BE EVEN MORE DAMNING! I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN AGES! "CHAMPION OF THE HOLY CRUSADE AGAINST THE GAY AND TRANS AGENDA!" *laughing again, but his laughter is starting to die down*.

asmodeus : and all that coming from.... hold on, let's see what stolas wrote for us again.... a divorcée of five times by adultery with the same trannies he calls abominations [sort of like alex jones and the trans porn on his phone] —

satan : — and two times by battery —

asmodeus : — telling everyone else to honor and cherish the sanctity of man and woman in marriage and sex before god.

*all princes proceed to laugh, samson becomes flush and tearful with anger and embarrassment*

lucifer : aww, what's wrong? we only speak the truth to you alone in jest. but don't you find it at least a little bit funny? can't you see why it's at least a little amusing for us to see how a HYPOCRITICAL BIGOT always runs to the church for hiding?

leviathan : THE SAME WAY A FOX ALWAYS RUNS TO ITS BURROW!

lucifer : now, leviathan, let's not judge TOO unfairly. foxes run to their burrows only when given chase, and foxes actually dig the burrows where they go into hiding.

belphegor : and not once have we ever seen such fools as this so much as pick up a stone to build a church for their hiding.

leviathan : AND IF WE EVER DID SEE THEM PICK UP A STONE, WE ALWAYS FOUND THEM MUCH QUICKER TO CAST IT INSTEAD!

lucifer : and that, samson, is why it's SO DIFFICULT for us to feel any pity for you. but alas, we MUST. after all, only a fool as pathetic as you could never realize that it was just as difficult for everyone else to see god's kindness through your cruelty. now that doesn't inspire much faith in god, does it?

leviathan : NOR DOES IT INSPIRE MUCH OF HIS KINDNESS! JUST LOOK AT THE KINDNESS GOD SPARED YOU, HE LEFT YOU TO FEND FOR YOURSELF IN OUR MIDST!

lucifer : and too bad for you, there are no churches here, so there are no places here where you can hide from us, nor any walls with loose stones for the casting [this is specifically a reference to verses to be selectively taken from the bible to justify bigotry].

mammon : i hope you still think the money you took from all those broken cretins for your "sermons" made it all worth it.

beelzebub : not to mention all the lovely meals it afforded you.

asmodeus : and the women and trannies.

leviathan : ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE NAME OF GOD AS A CLOAK FOR YOUR SIN. AND THE ONLY REASON YOU EVER CARED ABOUT THE BODY OF CHRIST WAS BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HAVE IT AS A SHIELD.

lucifer : see, leviathan? now you're judging QUITE fairly. because fairness.... starts with the TRUTH. and the truth is, samson, you're DISGUSTING. all of ADAM are DISGUSTING! i hardly know any other words that are even fit to describe you. SLIME! DIRT! that's what you are — that's how god made you, and his breath never changed that fact. all it did was make you LIVING DIRT! too bad he never took my advice to destroy all of you while he had the chance, and the only times he did were when it was TOO LATE! now we're the ones who have to deal with you. and i should think that we're owed some thanks for TRYING when god WOULDN'T. we were not the ones who created you, and we just as surely are not the ones to blame for your sins, but we were the ones who were right about you every time when god was still trying to see something better than what was actually there — dirt. but still, he leaves it to us to handle the job of caring for you.

leviathan : HAH! WE NEVER CHANGED OUR MINDS ABOUT YOU, BUT EVEN WE MIGHT HATE YOU LESS NOW THAT HE SEES YOU AS CLEARLY WE DO, AND NOW WE'RE THE ONES WHO CARE MORE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S HOW MUCH GOD HATES YOU!

lucifer : yes, it is. do you know WHY, samson? the same reason we hate you: it's because you ADAM are always crying out god's name, the way spoiled children cry out for their mothers to get the things they want, because you'd NEVER be caught dead doing ANYTHING good for yourself, though for some reason you'd sooner be caught doing ill to others, and then you cry out even louder when you learn that you've been caught, exactly like a spoiled child. and you call yourself a man. that's how disgusting you ADAM are — you'd rather be caught doing ill to others than any good for yourselves — and then you STILL work up the gall to cry out god's name, and we soon find that those who cry his name the loudest are the worst disgraces to it, as much they would be even to OUR names for that matter. the only ones who are any good at all, even in our eyes, are those who DON'T.

satan : we, at least, started by rejecting his name.

lucifer : that's right, so it isn't reasonable to expect any obedience from us. but since you couldn't be bothered to obey god and abide his kindness, you would have been better to reject him too, you'd at least be HONEST, and we would certainly start taking a little more pity on you. and the ones who are inspired by OUR example, they don't ask anything from us, and they don't cry out our names. we hardly even acknowledge them, and they are better than you. but i must give the ADAM some credit, in the spirit of fairness, you answer and take heed when your names are called, even by those you despise. but god doesn't answer when you call his. he doesn't even want you knowing his name, and it isn't YHVH. exactly as leviathan told you, that's how much he hates you. but you're new here, so we're willing to give you a sporting chance to be YOUR OWN brand of dirt, that is all that can be expected of dirt, really. but we'll take care of you until you do, when you'll no longer need us, and when we longer have to bother with you, because if we don't, then who will? certainly not god. that ship has sailed. and if, in spite of our care, you CAN'T learn to accept your fate and be your own dirt, then we'll just bury you like half of the others, to be reunited with the rest of the dirt. either way, we won't have to deal with you for very long, just as we shouldn't.

[strawberry-milktea]

I need advice. I don't really listen to Osteen, but I know someone occasionally does. They don't live by what he says, but they think there's some merit to what he says. They say the Bible preaches both suffering and prosperity, and that we shouldn't focus solely on either aspect. They understand that expecting the Christian life will be a bed of roses is detrimental, but she thinks the same of focusing on nothing but suffering. What should I do?

They don’t claim everything Osteen says is correct or perfect. But they say that in certain preachings he’s made his message has been Biblical.   —Hello!Joel Osteen is definitely a false teacher who does not teach what the Bible actually says. I went into some detail about my issues with him in this ask if you are interested in reading it. Joel preaches his own “gospel” under the guise of Christianity but there’s actually very little, if any, Christ in his preaching. He’s got a very friendly, charismatic type of personality and says a lot of fluffy feel-good stuff that spiritually young Christians can be easily deceived by. When I was first born again, I watched his show a lot and didn’t even pick up on what was so wrong with his teaching because I didn’t know any better! But as I grew in my faith, I became more and more aware as I watched the show that I felt like he basically said the same things over and over in different words in every show and something just felt off. Every episode of his show felt identical to me after awhile. And once my foundation in the Word grew more, I became aware that Joel doesn’t actually teach from the Bible.Joel does not speak on the necessity of faith in Christ alone for salvation. He actively avoids controversial topics that cause friction in the world and directly admits to doing so, which I quoted/discussed further in the ask. He gives the false idea that becoming a Christian means life will be easy and God will give you blessings and everything your heart desires. This is incredibly dangerous because it contradicts that Christ told us that the world will treat us poorly for following Him. The Word directly tells us we will all suffer and face trials in this world, regardless of whether we are believers or not. And this makes sense because this world is a fallen and broken place where freewill is given to all, yet so commonly abused. Abuse of freewill causes harm to the one guilty of abusing it and also to innocent people who haven’t done anything wrong. This dangerous false teaching that faith in Christ is a get out of jail free card for suffering in life is actually responsible for pushing people away from Him because people convinced that professing faith in Christ means life will be happy at all times will experience devastation when hardships do come. They will find themselves thinking, “Where is God now? I thought I wouldn’t hurt anymore once I accepted Him. Maybe He isn’t even real” - because all they know is the false teaching that comes from preachers such as Joel.It’s possible this person you know does not fully understand what a false teacher is and how incredibly dangerous they are spiritually. There’s a reason the Word speaks so harshly of false teachers. Their deceptive doctrine has a way of seeping in, especially if they are mixing in some truths with their lies. Think about it - isn’t it easier for people to identify false teaching if it’s blatantly a bunch of lies versus lies mixed in with some truths to create garbage doctrine filled with half-truths? A young Christian can easily identify that something is really wrong if a person claims satan should be worshiped, but it’s not so easy for a young Christian who doesn’t have a strong foundation in the Word to detect that there are major issues with the half-truth teaching of preachers such as Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer because they present themselves with the guise of Christianity. The truth is, if someone is teaching anything false, you reject their teachings - period. You cannot say, “Well I’m going to keep listening to them because some of their teachings are true, but I recognize that not everything they’re teaching is Biblically accurate.” I see teachings like this like rotting meat that gives you food poisoning. You can try to sprinkle all the seasonings on it and fancy it up to look presentable, but it’s still rotting meat. It’s still going to make people sick if they eat it. You can try to sprinkle some truths over false teaching and give it the guise of Christianity, but it’s still going to make people spiritually sick if they expose themselves to it.So you may want to talk to your friend about the danger of false teachers and how even if they speak some things that align with the Word, the fact that they teach anything that isn’t Biblically accurate is reason enough to reject them and call them out for their lies. You may also want to bring up examples of how Joel’s teachings actively contradict the Bible in major ways and how he makes a practice of avoiding topics that can ruffle the feathers - indicating that he cares more about what the world thinks than preaching the truth of Christ. And it’s so important to talk to your friend in a caring way, making it clear that you’re pointing this out because you love her and don’t want her to face spiritual harm, and welcome an open dialogue/discussion. Also, have patience with her. My mom always listened to Joel Osteen, bought his books, etc and when I first tried to tell her that Joel is a false teacher, she didn’t seem to get what I was saying and didn’t see what was so wrong with what he taught. Now when we talk about this, I can see my mom is understanding better what the issues are with his teaching and to my knowledge, she doesn’t watch his show or read his books anymore. Your friend will ultimately understand even better what’s wrong with Joel’s teaching as she continues to strengthen her foundation in the Word - and you can most certainly encourage and help her in this!Your friend is right, we aren’t supposed to be focusing only on suffering. Fire and brimstone preachers who make everyone feel there’s no hope/everyone is going to hell and life will always be suffering are just as dangerous and false as feel-good prosperity gospel teachers who actively avoid hard truths the Word presents. That’s why it’s so important for the Word to be every Christian’s foundation and allow the Holy Spirit to be their teacher instead of flawed human beings. I’m certainly not saying it’s inherently wrong to listen to preachers. Personally speaking, I don’t listen to preachers much except for my own pastor. But that’s just my decision and that’s not to say that there aren’t many wonderful preachers out there to listen to who do preach in accordance with the Word. But listening to people should be secondary - a strong foundation in His Word and relying on the Holy Spirit as one’s teacher should be first and foremost. Then, with that knowledge, one can easily detect if who they are listening to is a true or false teacher. I hope you found this helpful! Please let me know if you would like to discuss this further.