#RattleCo Enterprises

[howtohero]

#268 Desert Missions

Supervillains love to do crimes. They’re often cited as saying that they’ll “do crimes anytime, anywhere, by any means necessary, to whomever it is convenient to do crimes to”. Now there’s a lot to unpack in a statement like that (and it was very unsettling when every supervillain in the world made that statement simultaneously while their eyes were glazed over and foam was forming at the edge of their mouths) so let’s just focus on the “anywhere” part of it. Supervillains are going to commit crimes in an infinity of different types of locales and you need to be prepared for all of them. Today, let’s talk about fighting crimes in arid, hot, and sandy deserts. (This is not about dessert missions. Please, I’m begging you, learn how to read.)

The desert (all of them {but also, maybe, none of them?} no, all of them) is full of weird and unique elements that a city-hero like yourself (if you’re not a city-hero this is clearly not referring to you there is no need to email me and/or get huffy) will not be accustomed to. I’m talking things like giant robot scorpions. I’m referring to things like sand worms. (Both large and small. The large ones look scary but the small ones are the ones to look out for.) I’m speaking here about pack of hive mind coyotes that will eat you unless you gain their friendship with bacon strips and piccolo music. There’s also a lot of sand, and I promise, it’s going to get into your spandex. 

What you’re gonna want to wear, especially in terms of undergarments and socks (Commander Commado, you can sit this one out) is moisture wicking material, like nylon or polyester. Barring that, you should look into acquiring some wiccan material. Which will use magic to repel sand (and small sand worms) from your most sensitive areas. [How To Hero bears zero responsibility for any ill side-effects that occur from wearing magical underwear.] You’re also gonna want to wear long sleeves and long pants. “Wahbuhhuuuuh???” you say, “Wouldn’t I want to wear shot sleeves and short pants in the desert??? What with the heat and the sand vortexes and the flying cacti??? In fact, would it not be better for me to be completely naked whilst fighting crime in the desert?” No! You’re wrong on all accounts. You need to wear long, but light clothing to protect yourself from the intense and horrible heat of the sun. Not to mention the second, smaller sun that is evil and hates you and wants nothing more than to watch you burn. 

The intense heat is really going to be one of the main things you’ll need to contend with while tracking supervillains through the desert. You’re going to want to pack plenty of water. In fact, you can dump most of the stuff out of your utility belt and fill those compartments with water bottles. Grappling hooks, for example, are useless in the desert where there are vast empty expanses. (If you see an office building in the desert, do not approach it. It’s not a mirage but it is most likely a division of RattleCo Enterprises, and therefore it is full of dangerous rattlesnakes wearing suits. {Wait, is that RattleCompany Enterprises? That seems redundant.}) Other things that you can leave behind before venturing into the desert include: 

The vial of sand you keep in case you need to throw sand in a bad guy’s eyes: There will be plenty of that around where you’re going.

Your polar bear whistle: I recommend swapping it out for a camel whistle or giant robot scorpion whistle.

Your pocket microwave: The world is your microwave, when you’re in the desert. [I don’t think that’s true.]

Collapsible skis: Listen, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that you can’t use skis in the desert. Those luscious sand dunes are practically begging to be skied down. But we both know that once you start skiing down the sand dunes you’re never gonna want to stop and that’s going to let the bad guys get away.

You’re also going to need plenty of sunscreen and some cool shades. If you’re savvy, you can rig your mask with drop-down sunglass lenses that activate when you need them. That’s a cool look let me tell you. You’d also do well to invest in a nice big floppy hat. And maybe a cool cloak. That could be neat. Also it gets cold at night. (But not cold enough for that polar bear whistle to come in handy.)

The next thing you’re going to want to be aware of is all the different kinds of sand you’re likely to encounter. There’s regular sand that tastes bad and which you shouldn’t eat but is good for throwing in bad guys’ eyes. There’s tasty sand which tastes delicious and is actually what sandwiches are made of which you can eat in a pinch. There’s quick sand which will consume you. There’s swirly sand vortices of doom which will consume you but then spit you out somewhere else like Mars or the cretaceous period or something. There’s sand that is alive and is named Sandy and is actually pretty friendly. There’s sand that is alive and is named Jessica who hate’s Sandy but it otherwise still overall pretty chill. There’s sand that comes preformed in castles. There’s sand that’s different colors. There’s sand that is evil. Sand that is good. Sand that is cursed. Sand that is blessed. It’s important to do your research before venturing out to a desert. 

Supervillains will probably hide out in the desert as part of some scheme to build a sand-powered doomsday device or to mind control hordes of singing cacti. You can’t allow them to do this of course, but if you play your cards right, you can head these villains off before they ever get their schemes off the ground. As we said, they’re going to the desert because they need something from the desert. If you can identify what that thing is, perhaps by listening closely to their monologue, or by hacking into their emails (Fun fact: 57% of supervillains use “MWAHA4AHAHa” as their password.) then all you need to do is get to the desert first and take the stuff they were gonna use! Scoop all the sand into a big ol’ garbage bag! Lure the singing cacti onto a school bus and drive them elsewhere! (Or teach them your theme song, give them jetpacks, and induct them into your jetpack choir.) If you can manage to do that then you won’t even have to fight in the desert at all!

The desert is a hot and unforgiving place. If you’re not used to it, it could kill you. Or trick you with a mirage. That is why preparation is key. You need to be able to understand the desert that you’re going to. What’s there, what isn’t there, what to expect. With a little forethought, and a lot of sunscreen, you can easily save the day and avoid heat stroke!