#Rape Culture

[liberalsarecool]

If it's your choice to rape/molest/assault, then it has nothing to do with what someone wore or looked or had drinks, etc.

MAGA men are admitting rape is their choice.

[twoyara]

About how men rape women with “consent”

This post is not mine, but one radfem woman from our community. She works as a sexologist and shared her experience in her work. If you too are a sexologist, or even better, have some statistics on this topic, please share your experiences or links. ---------------------------------------------------------- "When I first started working, I discovered that many men had never experienced the need to refuse intimacy with a regular partner. That is, a man in counseling complains that his partner often refuses him, he attributes her refusals to personal dislike and faded feelings, and when he tries to turn the situation around and remember when he himself had to refuse her, he does not understand what we are talking about. Because he has never had to - he responds to the initiative of his partner every time and considers it a sign of love and attraction on his part.

I heard this very often, I couldn't catch the lie and at the same time I couldn't interpret it. They are not robots, after all, to be available 24/7 at all hours of the day and night?

One day a client in a session literally opened my eyes with one phrase.

She said: “I CAN SEE WHEN HE'S NOT UP TO IT.”

That's the secret. The notorious emotional service. Subsequently, and many other women have confirmed this in a targeted survey: when the desire for intimacy arises, a woman assesses her partner's condition BEFORE taking the initiative. If she sees that her partner is tired, sick, in a bad mood, or preoccupied with something, she does not consider it appropriate to offer sex. I have also heard from many women that in a situation when she can not clearly assess the state of the partner, she prefers to flirt, as if casually get naked, as if accidentally do something that usually arouses the partner. If there is no reaction to this, the woman usually refuses to take the initiative and solves her problems on her own, without forcing the partner to conflict and feel guilty.

Men don't want their partners all the time - it's just that no one gets in their underwear when it's inappropriate. No one forces them to think about sex when they don't want to think about it.

Men themselves don't usually check against anything but their own erections.

They don't care when to offer sex to a woman(the following is a real and far from complete list):

Who is asleep (well, seriously, I don't know any woman who would ever think of waking up a sleeping partner to satisfy her sexually);

who's back from her 24-hour shift;

who just finished cooking a holiday dinner for ten people;

who has a high fever;

who's been vomiting all day;

who is eight months pregnant with a complicated pregnancy;

who has undergone a termination of pregnancy that day;

who is in the terminal stages of cancer;

who's just had a pet die;

returning from the funeral of a beloved grandmother;

waiting for a call from the NICU where their (mutual!) child is (“Let's get a little loose while we wait”) - and so on and so forth.

It may seem like it's a matter of cognitive distortion, that they just don't get it….. But they do. I asked one of them once: does he really think that a person in such a state can want sex? Yes, it is clear that they don't want to, he replied, but I'm just in case - maybe it will work out. I asked him how he would react if it didn't work out, and he admitted that he would be hurt and angry. And that's another “secret” - why it does burn out. Because refusal will inevitably lead to conflict, and a woman often does not have the strength not only for sex, but also for an argument. When he offered sex, she basically can not get out of the situation without damage - either to be raped, or to deal with his tantrums and offenses. And unfortunately, sometimes the first one turns out to be the lesser harm."

[justsomeantifas]

So this is how it’s going on twitter… blue checks will stop at nothing for engagement. ⚰️

[mysharona1987]

[sundemonlord]

My ex wife hit me in the head with a 2.5lb weight

This was the only time, out of 8 concussions, that I got a sizeable lump on my head. (Unless I hit a corner and even then they were small in comparison)

She was a black/indigenous woman who had a fucked up upbringing and life.

She didn't get better. She only got worse, especially when I finally called it abuse

...

..

Yall act like men are the only ones who can be oppressors or abusers or fucked up. You hold our emotions against us -- whether anger, sadness, or insecurity etc -- then wonder why WE act fucked up.

And yet: women and other people who are not men are also fully capable of being oppressors and being abusers and being some of the most fucked up people you ever met

I've had a wide variety of experiences in my short 35 years. I'm on my 4th lifetime now ...

Everyone is fucked up. To different extents and intensities depending on what they are.

But it isn't always so cut and dry.

Every dude isn't after just pussy (should be obvious)

Every woman or minority isn't just a victim (should be obvious)

Everyone is capable of perpetuating darkness in the world or internalizing it

Intersectional feminism acknowledges this

But I've seen a HUGE change in demeanor in the last 10 years towards ALL men. Like yall

I should not have to tell you that going the opposite way and doing the same thing that others have done isn't the fucking answer

..

.

Also I've been assaulted and had worse experiences with women (bipoc/queer women) than I've had with other men

But that's just me

Sometimes I do wonder if men actually get sexually assaulted and abused at a similar rate that women do but a lot of them just don’t know that’s what’s happening to them

[fremedon]

Back in 2014, I did a panel at CON.TXT on dubious consent tropes: sex pollen, fuck or die, omegaverse, and so on. And we talked about how the same tropes can carry different kinds of narrative weight, and how the ways they're used have evolved over time--how tropes that started out as a way to get around the rape culture assumption that Nice Girls Don't were repurposed to interrogate rape culture. By making the coercion external to all parties to the sex act--by removing culpability--they allow for rape and rape culture stories without rapists.

And I proposed that a lot of these tropes were also coming to be used in ways that read as allegories for the impossibility of resisting the conditions of late capitalism. A character is placed under complete social or biological constraint, with no power to escape or fight or do anything but submit, and their only choice is whether to submit gracefully or make a token and futile resistance. And that their decision to make the experience something they want--to claim whatever good they can in it--is an act of power. That to consent, even internally, and make it meaningful, even when they have no way to enforce a refusal, is an act of power.

Because it was a panel on dubcon, and saying Yes is what differentiates dubcon from noncon, in fiction, we talked mostly about stories where the protagonist says Yes; we talked about these consent tropes as allegories for the ways that people do, in fact, find good in conditions they cannot opt out of. People do build good relationships under rape culture. They build communities under late capitalism. These things do happen, outside of fiction, and a story about someone reconciling to life as an omega can have a lot to say about the complicated internal struggles people go through to make them happen.

We didn't talk so much about the flip side of these tropes--that by making that internal Yes meaningful, even in circumstances where No has no power, they also imply that there is meaning in No, even where it has no effect. They validate the worth of an internal resistance, even where it achieves nothing. Maybe we mentioned it? I don't even remember--it was a panel on dubcon, not noncon, and that internal No has the power to change the genre, if nothing else.

I am thinking now, though, about the rise within fandom of a purity culture that strenuously rejects these tropes--while also granting them remarkable power. That claims that, because real life does not have the distinction possible in fiction between dubious consent and nonconsent, that not only is fictional dubcon no different from fictional rape, it's no different from real rape. That returns culpability to these stories and places it firmly with the author. That says that a fictional character cannot consent, to anything--and that the real author, being the only person involved with actual moral agency, owes it to the character to keep them safe.

To exercise moral choice on their behalf.

To say No, in the fictional world where that No is meaningful, and to imbue that No with an irresistible moral weight in the real world.

At any rate I'm not saying the crowd that thinks not voting to withhold their consent from things done in their name is somehow a meaningful form of protest just needs to read some sex pollen about it. But I'm not not saying that.

[killjoyfem]

alright so, on the pelicot case: i unironically believe that all of them should have been charged with attempted murder. the amount of sleeping pills it must have taken to keep her unconscious and unaware of it all, for so many nights, over and over and over, must have been nothing short of massive. that is life threatening. her sorry excuse for a husband put her life at extreme risk every single time he chose to do this, and all the men that took part in it consented to her life being put in danger too. her dying was an acceptable possibility to them as long as they were able to satisfy their sexual fantasies. we could easily be looking at a case where she didn’t make it out alive and overdosed while being raped multiple times and she wouldn’t have ever even known. think for a second about how monstrous that is. they should answer for that in kind. “oh but the law doesn’t work like that” i don’t give a fuck. we should have as much consideration for their lives as they had for hers.

[kittyit]

link | archive

[thoughtscout]

I think it's genuinely becoming concerning how hyper-sexualized we, as a society, are becoming. does no one else think it's genuinely worrying that so many women can remember being a child not being able to google their favourite female cartoon character without seeing grotesquely over-sexualized fanart of her that they couldn't even healthily process at the time, and if you talk about that making you uncomfortable or affecting your wellbeing in any way, you're called a puritan, or a prude, or some other pejorative to indicate that having complex or negative feelings about sexuality in any way is callous or judgemental or a display of moral superiority? why is it so difficult to find art or media that isn't sexualized in nature? why are we so obsessed with making a special and unique feature of the human condition our primary focus almost all of the time? even more concerning is that it isn't just some niche little group of people on the internet, it's rampant. every nook and cranny of the internet has these people, ready and raring to compare you to a Christian missionary if you dare speak anything slightly negative about society's many varying views on sexuality. like the people on Twitter proudly displaying their incest/rape kink (I've seen this one A LOT), because how can you claim to be an ally to survivors of sexual assault, or a feminist, but not even be able to recognize that incestuous abuse is one of the most common forms of child sexual abuse that is committed to young girls by their male relatives, and that women struggle to have their rape stories taken seriously because sexual abuse has been culturally normalized by the mainstream-ification of violent, abusive pornography? why do other people criticizing how modern sexuality enables rape culture make you feel personally threatened or limited in your own, private relationship to your own sexuality? and where does it end? are we going to start telling women who say "no thank you, I'm not interested" to 'loosen up' and 'learn to have some fun' again? are we going to ban women from the platforms they created for themselves to talk about their experiences with sexual trauma and assault? start protecting sex offenders from being held accountable for their crimes, start ignoring the role marriage plays as an institution for male control over female sexuality, start preaching that individual sexual pleasure is all that matters, and anyone who disagrees is a fascist? I'm sure that a large part of the problem is that these people generally have a Shadow Complex, and are still stuck in the "I like to pretend I'm being so rebellious against sexual shame culture, but really my shame is just making me act out in hyper-sexual ways just to be contrarian and spiteful to the perceived status quo, because I never developed the emotional tools needed to simultaneously practice destigmatizing human sexuality while also maintaining critical thinking towards sexual culture, which shows that I'm actually still feeling my internalized shame on a very deep level, and it's still very much affecting me in unconscious and almost uncontrollable ways" phase, which is honestly the case for most of them. I'm just worried for the future, because all the people saying these things are just reinventing pornographic rape culture under the guise of progressivism, and are (intentionally or unintentionally, it depends) causing more harm than good.

I think it's genuinely concerning how sex-negative we, as a society, are becoming. (This post brought to you by a few tweets I saw)

Does no one else think it's genuinely worrying how if you even find a fictional character attractive, you're called a gooner, or a degenerate, or some other pejorative to indicate that being sexual in any way is gross and nasty and yucky? Why does art suddenly lack artistic value because it's sexual in nature? Why are we so obsessed with associating a core feature of the human condition with shame and guilt?

Even more concerning is that it isn't just some niche little group of people on the internet, it's rampant. Every nook and cranny of the internet has these people, ready and raring to call you names if you dare speak anything slightly not-safe-for-work.

Like the people on twitter openly calling trans women degenerates and freaks for having an incest/rape kink (I've seen this one A LOT), because how can you claim to be an ally, or lgbt-friendly, or a feminist, but get mad at a woman expressing her sexuality? Why does sexuality gross you out to the point you feel the need to demean people over it?

And where does it end? Are we going to start calling women who dress a little too revealing 'sluts' again? Are we going to ban sex scenes in movies? Start preaching abstinence, say sex outside of marriage is bad, that lust is immoral, and being gay is a sin?

I'm sure that a large part of the problem is that these people are generally children, and still in the "sex is gross" phase, but I know that's not the case with all of them. I'm just worried for the future, because all the people saying these things are just reinventing conservatism under the guise of progressivism, and are (intentionally or unintentionally, I'm not sure) causing more harm than good.

I know we talk about puritanism and stuff all the time, but in my opinion, it's gotten to a point even the actual puritans didn't get to.

[rad-claid-plaid]

What a shock.

[liberalsarecool]

Rape culture using the threat of rape. #MAGA

This was all turbocharged by SCOTUS overturning Roe v Wade.

The Roberts' Court legacy will be making every young girl, and women of all ages, live in fear of verbal torment and sexual violence.

[atwoodsfemalefantasy]

GISELE PELICOT CASE JUST CLOSED

This brave, wonderful woman was drugged by her monster of a husband who orchestrated her to be raped by somewhere between 72-92 men (sources vary) in her drugged state over the course of nine years. Her case is something that has personally fueled my fire for the 4B movement, and others' as her husband of 50 years was trusted by her completely. She thought he loved her. He made her dessert in bed. She thought it was so caring when he took her to the gynecologist and the doctor when she started having memory loss and other health issues (which was in reality due to the mass rape she experienced unknowingly).

But Madame Pelicot, despite being over 70, spoke up. she took her monstrous husband to court, and had become a role model for rape victims. She says that in rape cases "shame must change sides" to shame the rapists, and that she wants other girls to speak up about their sexual assault because she did it too.

and now, 51 men, nearly ALL of the men tried, have been convicted of rape. her husband is serving 20 years, the rest of the men between 3-15 years. Justice has prevailed and has defended Madame Pelicot.

If you haven't heard of this case by now, i'm glad you're learning about it when the end is good. i'm in tears, i'm so happy right now. Madame Pelicot got the justice she deserves and all those horrible men will go to jail.

i just wanted to inform and celebrate. let this give us some hope that women can be heard and can be defended. let us take Pelicot's advice and stand up for ourselves and our sisters.

I love you, Gisele Pelicot. we are all so proud of you

[pro-birth]

Forcing the term "sex worker" into the conversation has been the stupidest fucking thing people could have done. I had to watch a charity ad about a """sex worker""" who lives in a fucking train station and is forced to give "paid sex" to men and boys who threaten her or her baby with knives but she's a """"SEX WORKER???""""

BITCH SHE IS A VICTIM OF RAPE! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T CARE WHAT FUCKING SOB STORY YOU CLAIM TO HAVE ABOUT """WORKERS""" NEEDING DIGNITY, YOU TOOK THAT DIGNITY AWAY THE MOMENT YOU TURNED FINANCIALLY COERCED RAPE INTO A FUCKING JOB! ONLYFANS AND PORN ISN'T EMPOWERING BECAUSE THE ONES DETERMINING YOUR WORTH ARE HOLDING THE PURSE STRINGS!!!!

RAPISTS ARE NOT CUSTOMERS, PIMPS ARE NOT EMPLOYERS, AND "SEX WORKERS" ARE NOT EMPLOYEES. RAPE/FINANCIALLY COERCED SEX IS NOT A SERVICE AND THE BODIES OF VICTIMS ARE NOT PRODUCTS YOU CAN PAY FOR, EVER. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT """SEX WORK"""!!!!

[feminist-furby-freak]

Talking to “””,,,”,”””queer,”,”,”””,, people be like:

Kink is an important and innate part of sexuality! some people need to simulate rape or act like a baby in order to have sex! it’s wrong to criticize that! but also genital preferences are bigoted and you just need to work through that.

[profeminist]

Photo ID: a cowboy is labeled "me disposing of some trash." The cowboy is dragging a coffin labeled "Your piece of shit son after I heard him say "your body my choice."

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

I really don't think it's true that abusers always know they're abusive or that if you're worried you're being abusive, that automatically means you're not.

There are patterns of harm we can fall into without really realizing what's going on. We live in an abuse culture that justifies and even celebrates certain kinds of abuse and makes them seem normal.

Maybe when you're trying to protect yourself from harm you set your boundaries so far out from your own autonomy zone that you're infringing on someone else's. Maybe you think you're being fair because you aren't thinking about what it's like for the other person, you're too focused on staying/getting in your own comfort zone.

Maybe you're so used to dysfunctional interactions that every conversation is a power struggle, and you don't even realize that when you're "winning" all the time you're grinding someone else down—you're too busy being relieved that you're not "losing" all the time anymore like you did in the past with someone else.

Maybe you think you're being "funny" and it's "banter" to constantly tear down someone in your life. Maybe you assume they're having fun with it too and that this is how you act friendly towards someone.

Maybe you believe lies about what rape is or what abuse is. Maybe you grew up being told men always want sex and you don't even realize when you're pressuring him into it that he genuinely doesn't want it and it's not a game. Maybe you believed the lies that women say no to seem modest but if she "gives in" that's how you know for sure she wants it. Maybe you thought physical arousal was the same as consent.

Maybe you thought being mean when you're in a bad mood wasn't abuse as long as you don't hit. Maybe you grew up in an environment where any conflict meant you had to hurt the other person as much as possible emotionally in order to "win".

Maybe you're a parent who learned that spanking or scaring your kids is how you keep them in line, which seems necessary to protect them. Maybe you don't realize how cutting some of the things you say are, or how thoughtless or unkind you're being. Maybe you never learned gentleness before you had kids, or don't understand what's age appropriate.

When you're an abuser or a rapist who didn't realize at the time how much harm you were doing, it can cause serious cognitive dissonance to realize the impact of your actions. It's easy to get defensive and decide that since you don't think of yourself that way, there's no way you could possibly be an abuser or a rapist.

It's easy to say that if you don't want to be an abuser, you're not. But it's not always true.

It is absolutely vital that everyone learns how to interact in safe and respectful ways. We're all responsible for figuring out how to not harm other people.

Believing that it's impossible you're harming other people can make you MORE likely to harm them, because you're not checking yourself to make sure that you're not.