#Raewyn asha

[luna-writes-stuff]

Just rewatched the entirety of the Hobbit saga and then I realised; ‘I wrote a whole ass fanfic series containing every little detail in the dwarven story line that is captured within these 9 hours’, so yeah, I couldn’t help but make at least one new meme post.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, last year I finished my Kili X OC fanfic series! And it’s free to read right here on this hellsite! You can find it in the main masterlist on my pinned post <3

[fallenangeloflight]

Kili: In my defence, I was left unsupervised

Raewyn: Wasn't Fili with you?

Fili: In my defence, I was also left unsupervised

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Imma post things like this in hopes of a happy ending @luna-writes-stuff

[radbarbariancupcake]

@luna-writes-stuff

[luna-writes-stuff]

Wow those other memes were a whole success, huh? Enjoy these <3

Interested in whoever is that girl in the first picture? Check out my (finished) Kili X OC fic series in my main masterlist and find out!

[luna-writes-stuff]

Kili: Remember how you threatened to kill my uncle on multiple occasions?

Raewyn: haha, yeah, wild times

[luna-writes-stuff]

Them, but they’re responding to the “I want a baby” text

wait, you don’t know who that one badass woman is there??? There’s one way to solve that problem; Check out my Kili X OC series “Starcrossed Losers” right here! Chapter 34 came out two days ago and can be found here!

[luna-writes-stuff]

AND THERE

SHE DOTH APPEAR

IN THE LAST WEEKS OF DECEMBER

THE FINAL TWO CHAPTERS OF STARCROSSED LOSERS WILL BE OUT BEFORE 2024

[luna-writes-stuff]

Wake up babe; new alignment charts dropped

Wait, you still haven’t read that amazing Kili x OC fic of that idiot who keeps promoting it with stupid memes? I’d check it out if I were you. We’re only 3 chapters away from the end.

[luna-writes-stuff]

My favourite Starcrossed Losers chapter titles, but they get progressively more unhinged:

You have no idea what this is about have you? No issue! Find the full Kili X OC fic right here! The epilogue will be out this week, so keep your eyes peeled!

[luna-writes-stuff]

Alignment chart to celebrate Chapter XXXIV of my Kili X OC series coming out today!

haven’t seen it yet? What are you waiting for? You can read it right here <3

[luna-writes-stuff]

Starcrossed Losers: The Art Archives

Post-botfa

tap picture for better quality

he’s such a “i love my wife” type of guy

[luna-writes-stuff]

CHAPTER VII.V (BONUS)

A Kili X OC fic

Previous chapter // Next chapter

Tw: Slight (playful) violence, literally that’s it

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Will someone please teach Bilbo to defend himself

As much as she hated being back, Rivendell held a certain magic to it. Even now, as cold midnight air flew over the gardens, it felt peaceful. The entirety of Middle-Earth could be at war and you wouldn’t be able to tell it from here.

She had returned to her chambers shortly after her talk with Kili, needing some time to cool off. Perhaps she had overreacted. He was right to question her, but part of her was reluctant to share too much about herself. Especially considering his kin was the one who had made her life the hell it was. But Kili did not deserve the anger she had directed towards another.

Farris had visited Raewyn’s balcony once before taking off for the rest of the night. This was customary for them. Owls were, after all, night animals.

Peaceful as it was, the Asha could not find rest that night. So much was wrong. She shouldn’t have left for the Shire, and she most certainly should not be here. Frustrations and doubt kept her off. She must have spent at least an hour tossing and turning before finally jumping off of her bed. Maybe a midnight walk would clear her mind.

It came as no surprise to her that most halls and gardens were deserted around this time. A handful of elves stood watch at the gates, but most of them had long returned to their chambers. Even the singing, laughing and belching of the dwarves could no longer be heard. Perhaps they finally decided they would need time to rest too.

As if it was natural, her feet led her to the main hall, where Elrond had led the company to the dining area only hours prior. It would always be a rare sight to see a hall as such completely void of life at night. Candles were still lit, but no voices nor music could be heard. No sound, but the soft patting of footsteps.

But not hers.

Turning towards the source of the noise, she found Bilbo entering the hall from the south entrance, across from her. A slight smile built on Raewyn’s face as she saw him.

“You should be sleeping.”

“As should you.”

She sniffled at that, turning around to face Bilbo. “Ranger,” She stated. “Never truly asleep.” 

He nodded at her words, staring around the room as if he was lost. Raewyn followed his eyes for a short second.

“What are you doing up?” She wondered. Bilbo didn’t answer her immediately. Instead, his eyes slowly met her, before wandering around again.

“I’ve been told of this place ever since I was a child,” He began. “Being here…it doesn’t feel real.”

She didn’t really have a response to that. She didn’t grow up on tales about kingdoms and houses, except for when it was of a concern to her family. She hadn’t even heard of Imladris until Gandalf had taken her there. She couldn’t place herself in Bilbo’s shoes. 

And thus, instead of faking sympathy and agreement, she turned back to her earlier path, looking behind her to nudge her friend. “Walk with me.”

Wordlessly, Bilbo followed, his mouth half open as he took in all the sights, no unoccupied by its inhabitants. Even in the dark, Rivendell managed to take his breath. Raewyn seemed to know her way around surprisingly well for someone  who claimed she had lived on the road. Then he recalled her earlier words.

“You grew up here?”

“No,” The Asha laughed gently. “Gandalf took me here after he took me in. He wanted me to stay, but I wouldn’t have it.”

His interest grew with every word she spoke. So when she halted over only two sentences, he wouldn’t have it: “How old were you?” “Too young to be on my own. Though, I didn’t think so at the time.” 

That managed to get a laugh out of Bilbo. Of course she’d be as stubborn as a child as she is now. Raewyn appreciated his humour. 

“My family raised me with important values. One of which; hierarchy is about control, not order. We didn’t take kindly to monarchs or rulers. You can imagine my disappointment when Gandalf took me to Rivendell and told me to address a stranger as ‘lord’.” 

As she spoke, Bilbo noticed a figure lingering above them, blending in with the night, though not enough to not let him know he was being watched. When he was about to comment on it, he noticed the creature swoop down into the tall grass below. Naturally, Farris was watching over her companion. 

“Is that why you didn’t want to be here?” He asked uncomfortably, trying to keep on subject. 

“I don’t like people telling me what to do.” 

Once more, he laughed.

“Don’t laugh!” She scolded with a smile, before resuming. “Gandalf has learned to adapt to it. We’re equals. We don’t expect the other to obey us. It’s based on mutual trust and respect. It’s why he can talk to me the way he does.”

“Ah,” The hobbit nodded. “And lord Elrond doesn’t?” “Elrond is a lord. It is expected you respect him, regardless of how well you know him.” 

She was correct, Bilbo’d give her that. It didn’t mean it wasn’t right, but he was wise to keep his words to himself.

“I’ll be fair, he gave a good effort for us to be friends, it simply felt forced.” Raewyn continued before her friend could say something stupid. “It felt false and almost degrading. I was treated as a child who just learned to speak her first words. I’m sure he didn’t - and still doesn’t - mean to sound like that, but conversations with him were too difficult for me. I couldn’t stay in a place where I had to walk on eggshells every time I engaged with an elf.” 

That, he could imagine. Once more, he simply nodded in understanding and intrigue. She took it as her sign to continue; “Gandalf took me with him on his travels only days later. We’d return from time to time, but only for brief stops. He knew I hated it here. As I said, mutual respect.”

A shrug came from her as she halted on one of the upper gardens, overlooking most of the elven kingdom. For a while, it was silent. Bilbo was still marvelling at the sight, whilst Raewyn was off in her thoughts. She didn’t come back down until her friend called her.

“Raewyn?” 

It was the first time she heard her true name from his mouth. She tried to conceal her surprise, but seemed to fail once Bilbo elaborated; “That’s your name, right? I heard lord Elrond call you that.”

“It is.” She spoke. “Tolmiró is a name to keep myself safe.”

He was trustworthy enough.

“It suits you.” He tried to compliment. She could see through him.

“What’s wrong, Bilbo?”

Hesitantly, Bilbo reached for the blade on his hip. “Gandalf gave me this.”

“Clever of him. You should be able to defend yourself.” Raewyn hummed, taking the shortsword from him and inspecting it.

“Yes, well, that’s the thing. I have never held a blade in my life. I don’t know how to wield it.”

“Easy, stick it with the pointy end.”

“Ha ha,” He scoffed as his weapon was returned. “Could you help?”

The two fell silent again. Bilbo almost shrank under the Asha’s contemplating look. Perhaps he was too weak to be taught. He was stupid to ask her.

“Your opponents will always be larger than you,” She suddenly cut through his doubts.

Furrowing his eyebrows together, he uttered a meek “alright”.

“Assume the worst. Assume someone twice your size. That way, it can never be too bad. Confidence is half your work. You should never wield a weapon in fear. Never.” She spoke her last words so firmly, he didn’t dare forget it, nor question it.

“You’ll make stupid decisions,” She informed nonetheless. “And you’ll likely die.”

“Noted.”

“Furthermore, your weapon isn’t an object. It’s your arm. When you’re holding this, you’re not holding a sword, you’re extending your arm. You cannot drop your arm.”

“That’s a charming metaphor.” Bilbo mumbled, swinging the blade loosely in his arm, away from Raewyn.

“Fighting is mostly done with mind and calculations. Stupid people rule, they don’t fight.” Again, not sure he agreed, but he could see it from her perspective.

“Drop the blade.”

“You just told me I can’t.” The hobbit squawked out.

“And now I’m telling you you can.” 

Before he could even try to sheathe his weapon, he found himself on the floor.

“Hey!”

“We’ll start with defence. Get back up.” Raewyn commanded. Bilbo left his weapon for what it was and pushed himself back on his feet. Then, before he could even realize it, he was back on the floor again.

“Stop it.” 

“Stop falling.”

A huff came from him as he looked up at the ranger, who was looming over him. “You’re stronger than me.”

“Assume the worst, Bilbo,” She reminded him. “You’re gonna defeat your enemy lying on the floor? Get up.”

Sighing, he got back up. He tried to steady his feet, but when rough hands pushed against his chest once more, he could do nothing but let gravity work its magic.

“Will you-“

“Up.”

“Stay back.” He begged, to which the ranger easily complied. Now having his room, the hobbit rose again.

And he fell again.

“Raewyn!”

“Up.”

She was smiling now. Only seconds ago he’d become excited once Raewyn offered him advice. Now, he truly wished he hadn’t asked.

Be that as it may, he carried himself up, shaking his arms lightly. It was futile of course. He was back down as quick as he’d gotten up

“Up.”

“Give me a second.” He huffed out.

Again, he rose and fell.

“Up.” 

This time, Bilbo didn’t comment, nor listen.

“Get back up.” Raewyn repeated, now more urgent.

“Will you just let me catch my breath?”

“Lesson one; don’t ever stop coming back up,” She scolded. “If you do, you’re dead. You get kicked down, you get back up. Always.” The urgency in her voice caught his attention. “Up.” 

And thus, with much reluctance, he stood back up. Raewyn stepped forward, her hands out, ready to shove him again. Only this time, Bilbo stepped aside, letting the ranger pass him. A satisfied ‘ah’ came from her, as if she had finally found a light switch.

Caught up in his victory, the hobbit didn’t see the foot swinging underneath his legs. Not until his back collided with the floor. Before she speak, he waved her off.

“Yeah, yeah. Up.”

Back on his feet, he repeated his tactic, succeeding once more. Then, he countered himself, trying to give Raewyn a shove. She easily dodged him.

“Defence, Bilbo. Not offence. If you do,” Her hands found his arm, bracing herself as she lifted the hobbit over her back and shoulder, onto the floor. “This happens.”

“Ow,”

“Up.”

“Am I gonna get any tips?” He sighed, heaving himself up.

“You’re clever enough.”

Shove, dodge, shove down again.

“You’re always the smaller fighter. Why?” She reminded him.

“Assume the worst.”

“Good,” She complimented. “Your stance won’t save you. Anyone could pick you up and throw you over their shoulder. It’s about dexterity, not strength. Don’t give them the chance to reach you.”

“So, your advice is run?”

“No.”

“What?”

Subconsciously, almost as if it had already become a habit, Bilbo found him back on his feet as he finished his question. He repeated the dodging, both of the shove and the tackle. When Raewyn reached out again, Bilbo duck down and ran to her other side.

“Like that.” She grinned.

“This is futile. We’ll keep doing this for hours.”

“Exactly.” Raewyn agreed. “The only thing you’re doing is dodging blows. I have to use strength to wield a weapon, advance towards you, miss, dislodge my weapon, and repeat the same procedure.”

And suddenly, the lights went on in his head. A tiny smile climbed atop his face as his eyes met Raewyn’s.

“I’m tiring you out.”

With new-found energy and determination, Bilbo and Raewyn managed to play this game for another hour, before the hobbit ultimately gave up in exhaustion. His freshly washed clothes were now covered with dirt and grass, whilst Raewyn still managed to look completely unscathed in her dress.

As compensation, she offered to walk him to his chambers. An offer he gladly accepted. Both out of companionship and because he had no idea where Raewyn had walked him to, nor where his chambers were.

“How do I hold my blade?” He asked, cutting through the silence. It was the question he had most wanted an answer too, but all she taught him was knowledge behind arms and how to not fall over.

“All in due time.” Raewyn answered honestly. “Once you can stand against me for an hour without falling, I’ll teach you.”

“An hour?” Bilbo repeated incredulously.

“Attacks need to be placed precisely. One miss and you’re at a disadvantage. Trust me, dodging and keeping on your feet is the best tactic you have now.”

“Raewyn, when will you train me?” He asked exasperately. “We’re constantly travelling.”

“Every day. Until our quest is over.”

“What if I have to fight tomorrow?”

“You won’t. Not while I’m around.” She returned quickly, halting her steps. At first, Bilbo thought he’d be getting his speech, but once he noticed the door, he realized they had arrived. “If you want to learn to use your blade now, ask someone else. This is what I was taught. This works.” 

Ah yes, habits, rituals, circles, conservatism - this was how he knew Raewyn. Part of him understood that she wanted to keep her methods to honour her clan, which was in one way beautiful. But it also made her more stubborn than all thirteen dwarves combined.

He respected it, though.

“Please, get some rest, Bilbo. Thorin will want to leave at first light.” She gently offered, placing a reassuring arm on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Raewyn. For this entire evening.”

She smiled at him, turning around with a brief wave as he opened the door.

“Any time.”

——

[luna-writes-stuff]

Good morning, today I found out it has been three years since I started writing this and what even is time.

In celebration of this three (almost four???) year anniversary, I have finally edited, revised and double read the entire works! The updated and rewritten version of Starcrossed Losers [A Kili X OC fic] is now available on Wattpad, AO3, and Tumblr! If you have not read it, check it out! And if you have, thank you so so much for all of your support, reblogs, comments, bookmarks, kudos, memes, artworks - I CANNOT STRESS HOW MUCH I STILL LOVE IT

Having redone this work over the past few days has given me so much motivation to start writing again. Because I cannot yet say goodbye to this work, I have decided to release a bonus chapter this week that takes place during act I. Keep your eyes peeled!

Once again, thank you so much for everyone who has read the series and made an effort to interact with it, it truly means a lot to me!

[luna-writes-stuff]

Chapter XLII

A Kili X OC fic

Previous chapter // Next chapter

TW: Not proofread (yet). Descriptions/mentions of injuries, blood and ache. Descriptive trauma’s from Ravenhill (for both Kili and Raewyn), trouble processing everything. Mentions of burning finger tips. Bittersweet angst.

Based off of Metallica’s Until It Sleeps

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Did the author really just combine this with a writing challenge to satisfy both audiences? Absolutely. Pining is a dish best served cold.

“Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right my side.”

Gandalf never not spoke in riddles. It furiated Raewyn beyond words, but it was and would always be something that she would have to live with. When she had asked him about Zharad, he remained his usual mysterious self, refusing to give straight answers instead of crypted words. If it wasn't for her fatigue and injuries, she might have punched him.

All she found out about Zharad was that she was indeed married into her family, but worked in a small village as a healer. She was considered an outcast for the people there, but still a welcome addition. She hadn't known of Raewyn's existence out of protection for the younger Asha. Gandalf feared that any message that could be intercepted could not only risk the life of Zharad, but also Raewyn. Thus, he kept them separated. When she had grown of age and left the old wizard, Gandalf had almost anticipated she would come back with the news of her aunt, but she never did. And as they scarcely met over the years, Gandalf saw no reason to mention it. After all, it was in his best belief Raewyn learned to let go of that which had plagued her for years.

Raewyn disagreed, obviously.

“So tear me open, pour me out. There's things inside that scream and shout. And the pain still hates me, So hold me, until it sleeps.”

Much to her dismay, Zharad had left before Raewyn had any say in it. Gandalf offered her a way of contact would they have the urge to meet again, which the Asha had gracefully accepted. The call to leave hadn't been Gandalf's after all - Zharad had left on her own accord, claiming her town needed her and Raewyn would heal if she only did what had been recommended. That should have been enough to soothe anyone's mind concerning Raewyn's health.

It didn't, obviously.

After her, less conversation, more screaming, with Gandalf, she had taken off to her tent in a messy stumble, sitting back down on the cot in defeat and anger. Kili had followed her once more, ignoring the glares he got from Oín when it became apparent he too hadn't followed any medical advice.

“Just like the curse, just like the stray. You feed it once and now it stays, now it stays.”

"Why does he get a say in my family?" Raewyn ranted, still over in her head from Gandalf's words. "All my life, I thought he truly wanted to help me, but he's been hiding this since the beginning!" Running a hand through her hair in frustration, she tried to calm herself down.

"I understand now might not be the time," Kili began. "But do you not think there is at least a little truth in Gandalf's words?" At those words, Raewyn's eyebrows furrowed together in more frustration, doing her best to not glare. Kili tensed under the notion all the same, but continued: "He was doing what he could to keep you safe."

When Raewyn refused to verbally respond to him, he decided to keep going carefully. "He raised you as a child - I thought you considered him family. I'm not saying he gets to decide your life, but what he did was with good reason."

"Are you turning against me too?" That made Kili halt. Gently, he sat down on his knees in front of her, now seeing her face. Rage had washed into guilt and sorrow, and he could not help but let the emotions pierce his heart as well.

“So tear me open but beware; There's things inside without a care. And the dirt still stains me, So wash me, until I'm clean.”

"Rae," He began softly, placing his hands on top of hers, its coarse bandages lightly scratching her skin. "No one is turning against you." "It feels like it." She mumbled, not moving under his hold. She slowly raised her head, meeting the dwarf's eyes.

"He lied to me, Kili." As much as he understood Gandalf's point, he felt for Raewyn. To have the one thing you consider family hiding the fact that you still have living ancestors out there, even after witnessing the brutal massacre of the rest of them. He understood her as much as he understood the old wizard, which meant he also realised that trying to convince her of Gandalf's innocence was not going to work now.

"Listen to me," He tried. "Everyone here has done their best to keep you safe, to keep you healing. No one in this mountain right now has any ideas of turning against you." Searching his eyes for any kinds of lies or amusement, she sighed. She knew he was being honest - he always was against her. She didn't necessarily need to observe him in order to recognise that. She simply sought an excuse to look at him just a little longer. But his shift of conversation seemed to work for now, for a cracked smile appeared on her face: "That must have been a pain,"

Shaking his head with a tiny chuckle, he looked down at their hands, noting the slight tension in Raewyn's. "Must've hurt Thorin's ego." She followed, a hint of humour on her tongue. Then, sincerity returned: "How long was I out?"

“It grips you, so hold me. It stains you, so hold me.”

He knew the question was coming; it must have been on her mind since the moment she woke. In all truth, he had lost count of it. He lost count after two days, when sleep failed to visit him regularly. "Longer than we wanted," He settled on, which wasn't a lie for him. "But you are here, that is what matters. Don't waste your energy on distrusting family or starting fights. Please, just focus on healing now."

A soft smile made its way to Raewyn's face, barely recognisable, but Kili saw it. "You're good at this." She muttered. "Talking." "I'm an excellent talker." The dwarf joked, shooting a wink her way.

"I know," She agreed. "Thank you."

“It hates you, so hold me. It holds you, so hold me. Until it sleeps.”

Ultimately, the dwarf rose, letting go of Raewyn's hands as he looked around the dishevelled tent. The smell of blood, mud and sweat hung heavy in the air, and he scrunched his nose up as the scent finally reached him. "We should get you to your room. I figure this can become clammy."

"My room?" The Asha voiced confused, observing the dwarf intently. "Yes," He nodded, turning to Raewyn. "We would not let you stay here in the barns."

Her face fell slightly upon his speech, not knowing how to go against his words again. Unfortunately, she'd be as honest to him as he was to her, and she shook her head to him. "Kili, I do not know if I will stay here." The smile from his face disappeared quickly, a worried glance in his eyes now. A weightless yet sinking feeling entered his stomach: "Why not?"

Shrugging in futility, Raewyn looked at her empty hands. "It is not really a home for a ranger, is it?" Kili's head leaned to the side slightly, a worried frown on his face, all decisions and thoughts swirling through his head in a whirlwind.

"It doesn't have to be." "Ki-" "The reason you wanted to join this quest was to kill the last name on your father's list, was it not?" He interrupted quickly. A look of wonder crossed Raewyn's face, her eyes falling on his figure. "You remembered that?" She wondered incredulously.

“So tell me why you've chosen me. Don't want your grip, don't want your greed, don't want it.”

"You are done," He sighed aloud, falling back to his knees, the Asha's eyes following his every movement. "Rae, you don't have to avenge your family's name your entire life. You forgave Thorin, you killed the dragon, you killed Azog, you met your aunt. You did it, Rae. You avenged them." Again, his hands found hers, squeezing them through his pain. Piercing brown eyes met hers, a look so pleading in them, she was speechless for them for a second. "So what is in it for you now?"

Swallowing harshly, she tried to push her compliance down, insecurities taking over as she spoke through a shaking voice: "It is all I've ever known." Heartbreak flashed through Kili as she spoke those words - not even for him, but for her. She never belonged anywhere, she wandered with an old wizard and lived a life of revenge and agony. She had no comforts of someone she could run to or talk to; she had no safe space. And he'd be damned if he'd let her leave without one after their entire journey.

“I'll tear me open, make you gone. No more can you hurt anyone. And the fear still shakes me, So hold me, until it sleeps.”

"It doesn't have to be." "Ki-" "The reason you wanted to join this quest was to kill the last name on your father's list, was it not?" He interrupted quickly. A look of wonder crossed Raewyn's face, her eyes falling on his figure. "You remembered that?" She wondered incredulously.

"You are done," He sighed aloud, falling back to his knees, the Asha's eyes following his every movement. "Rae, you don't have to avenge your family's name your entire life. You forgave Thorin, you killed the dragon, you killed Azog, you met your aunt. You did it, Rae. You avenged them." Again, his hands found hers, squeezing them through his pain. Piercing brown eyes met hers, a look so pleading in them, she was speechless for them for a second. "So what is in it for you now?"

Swallowing harshly, she tried to push her compliance down, insecurities taking over as she spoke through a shaking voice: "It is all I've ever known." Heartbreak flashed through Kili as she spoke those words - not even for him, but for her. She never belonged anywhere, she wandered with an old wizard and lived a life of revenge and agony. She had no comforts of someone she could run to or talk to; she had no safe space. And he'd be damned if he'd let her leave without one after their entire journey.

"It doesn't have to be." He whispered. "You can stay." A tiny scoff of sympathy escaped her: "And do what?" "You could become a captain of the guard." He announced without thinking, cursing himself silently for speaking these words. "Excuse me?" Raewyn coughed out, noting Kili's eyes quickly closing in regret.

"Thorin wanted to propose it once you were completely healed, but he can't if you have already left." He revealed. Passion engulfed him as he continued to explain the idea. "You could help people here: Erebor, Dale, the borders of Mirkwood. You have the experience and loyalty of no other - there is no better person to take this role than you."

Raewyn was silent at this confession. He didn't expect her to not be, it was quite the revelation. But he did not want her to leave either. She needed to stay. If not for herself, than for him. But he wouldn't tell her that. At least, not now, while she was still half asleep. He shouldn't have dropped this topic like that, but he needed a good reason for her to stay for at least a couple more days. "I understand it is a difficult decision to make right now, but please, just think it over." He proposed. "Don't leave yet."

“It grips you, so hold me. It stains you, so hold me.”

It was such a Kili thing to make Raewyn ponder over solutions to questions she'd usually already know the answer to. If he had asked her to position for captain of the guard a month ago, she would have wholeheartedly refused, probably mocking him and laughing in his face for good measure. If there was anything, beside stubbornness, that Ashas were known for, it was for their hatred - or extreme disdain - towards kingdoms and those of higher standards. A hierarchy was never needed for them. It took years for her to even warm up to Elrond; she still struggles to address him properly. It was almost as if asking a hobbit to live in solitude for the rest of its life: you didn't do it. But, per usual, Kili went completely against her expectations and got away with it easily.

So, there she sat, completely stunned and wordless on top of a warm and comfortable bed. In pure dwarvish fashion, it had been adorned with blankets, sheets, and pillows beyond counting, and though it was extremely comfortable, Raewyn found it too hot to place herself in the midst of it now. The young prince had walked her to her room, pointing her towards the two doors leading to his bedroom and his brother's respectively, in case something were to arise. It was a short walk away, but even now, it felt miles away. Ever since she woke, people had been swarming her, and now she was ultimately alone.

“It hates you, so hold me. It holds you, holds you, holds you. Until it sleeps.”

It was a terrifying thought for her. Realisation hit as she silently recounted the bodies she had seen on the battlefield when meeting Fili earlier. She had lived when so many others lost their lives. She still couldn't comprehend how. She recounted the freezing breeze on Ravenhill, and the shouts and yells of the orcs. The terrible malice in Azog's eyes as he swung her body across the ice. A short shock ripped through her body as his eyes appeared in front of her, an iron grip suddenly on her ankles. Pulling her legs up in reflex, she hissed loudly when her bandages scratched the open wound on her back, tears quickly gathering in her eyes.

The lack of air, the freezing waters over her body, the uncomfortable feeling of her clothes clinging to her skin, the bared muscles on her back, painful hands grasping her tightly, a heart wrenching scream. She was jerked from her memories sharply when her fingertips met the burning flames of the candle on her night stand. She hadn't noticed she was inching towards it until she felt the blisters forming on her fingertips.

"Shit," She mumbled, pushing the burned fingertips to the blankets beneath her. The turmoil within her refused to settle, whatsoever. The cold was gone now, but confusion remained. She wanted to let the issue rest - leave Zharad for what she knew, but after the old dwarrow's words, she couldn't help but wonder how many others she had known before the slaughter.

“I don't want it, I don't want it, want it, want it, Want it, want it, no.”

Standing up quickly, she ignored the pain shooting through her back as she stumbled towards the door. She thought a moment alone would give her enough time to think - to properly process everything - but it hadn’t. If anything, being alone only seemed to amplify her distress and confusion. No; the last thing she needed right now was to be alone with her thoughts. As much as she’d like for everything to just be quiet.

The halls were empty now. From the distance, she could hear a few voices talking with each other in hushed tones, but that was all there seemed to be right now. It was a chilling contrast to the ambiance in the mountain only days earlier. She didn’t know what she preferred. A walk through the halls now seemed to last forever with the impending silence, whereas it earlier felt as a brief walk. She didn’t know how long she had been walking - or stumbling - until a voice cut through the silence.

“What are you doing up?” The tone was not hostile, but genuinely confused. Turning around, she came face to face with Bofur, his head tilted slightly at the sight of Raewyn: “I thought Kili showed you your chambers?” Taken by surprise, all that she could really utter, was a simple ‘yes’, before she finally came to her senses: “I just needed to stretch my legs.” “Lass, no offence,” the dwarf began kindly. “But I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be up and about right now.” “I’ll be fine.” Raewyn dismissed him, trying to continue her walk, but in her pace, Bofur was quick to catch up: “I should walk you back to your room.”

She sighed at that, knowing it was probably a good idea if she wasn’t to be left alone now. That was the entire reason she had stepped into the halls to begin with. Thus, she relented: “Do you know where Kili is?” A slight smile appeared on Bofur’s face, but he tried to keep it hidden. “He’s in his chamber.” “Where is that?” “Across from yours.” He then said hesitantly, as if it surprised him she didn’t know that. “I’ll walk with you.”

“So tear me open but beware; The things inside without a care. And the dirt still stains me, So wash me 'til I'm clean.”

Standing up quickly, she ignored the pain shooting through her back as she stumbled towards the door. She thought a moment alone would give her enough time to think - to properly process everything - but it hadn't. If anything, being alone only seemed to amplify her distress and confusion. No; the last thing she needed right now was to be alone with her thoughts. As much as she'd like for everything to just be quiet.

The halls were empty now. From the distance, she could hear a few voices talking with each other in hushed tones, but that was all there seemed to be right now. It was a chilling contrast to the ambiance in the mountain only days earlier. She didn't know what she preferred. A walk through the halls now seemed to last forever with the impending silence, whereas it earlier felt as a brief walk. She didn't know how long she had been walking - or stumbling - until a voice cut through the silence.

"What are you doing up?" The tone was not hostile, but genuinely confused. Turning around, she came face to face with Bofur, his head tilted slightly at the sight of Raewyn: "I thought Kili showed you your chambers?" Taken by surprise, all that she could really utter, was a simple 'yes', before she finally came to her senses: "I just needed to stretch my legs."

"Lass, no offence," the dwarf began kindly. "But I don't think it is a good idea for you to be up and about right now."

"I'll be fine." Raewyn dismissed him, trying to continue her walk, but in her pace, Bofur was quick to catch up: "I should walk you back to your room."

She sighed at that, knowing it was probably a good idea if she wasn't to be left alone now. That was the entire reason she had stepped into the halls to begin with. Thus, she relented: "Do you know where Kili is?" A slight smile appeared on Bofur's face, but he tried to keep it hidden.

"He's in his chamber."

"Where is that?"

"Across from yours." He then said hesitantly, as if it surprised him she didn't know that. "I'll walk with you."

Bofur was patient as he walked beside Raewyn, letting her set the pace, though it was achingly slow. When they finally arrived at Kili's door, it didn't take long for him to arrive after Bofur knocked. Though it was late, he didn't appear to be asleep. Unless he managed to jump out of bed at the first knock. "What's wrong-" he started, almost out of reflex, but when he saw Raewyn, his frown deepened. "Is everything alright?"

"The lass was looking for you. Didn't know where you were." "Oh," Kili breathed, his eyes not moving from Raewyn's figure. Bofur noticed, and merely nodded his head. "Right then. Good night." And with that, he was gone again.

Kili immediately walked up to Raewyn, his hands gently finding her shoulders as he forced her to look at him. "Are you alright?"

She couldn't really answer. How would she even begin to explain everything? He'd been through enough. He was resting too - she shouldn't lay her burdens on his mind. How would he even be able to help? Why did she want to seek him out in specific? The unanswered questions combined with her earlier dread seemed to snap the thin wire. She opened her mouth to say something, but instead, a ragged breath came out, and she had to fight to keep her tears in. He noticed. Of course he did. He seemed to notice everything.

"Come here." He whispered, leading her into his room as he closed the door behind her. She didn't want to fall apart right there, but when his arms gently wrapped around her, pulling her into his frame, she was left with little choice. Tears fell down her cheeks as she clutched onto his back, revelling in the comfort his sheer being simply seemed to radiate. He didn't say anything for a long time. Not until she had finally calmed down and the grip on his tunic had lessened.

“I'll tear me open, make you gone. No longer will you hurt anyone.”

"What happened?" He asked in a hushed voice, keeping her at an arm's length as he looked at her. Again, she failed to answer him, her head falling against his chest in exhaustion. Almost instinctively, his hand brushed her forehead, frowning as he felt the beads of sweat rolling off her face: "Hey, you're boiling."

Then, ultimately, her voice found its way back to her, even as it slightly cracked: "How are you alright with all of this?"

Seemingly hesitant at her words, Kili frowned. "I'm sorry?" "It's just..." Raewyn trailed off, not sure what exactly to tell him. He refused to fill the silence that followed, leaving her almost obligated to finish her sentence. "Each time I close my eyes-" She stopped talking. She didn't know what to say. How would she even begin to explain it? An involuntary chill ran up her spine as the memories resurfaced. "It's so cold."

Kili led her to the hearth in his room, kneeling down onto the fur rugs as Raewyn followed his lead, keeping a considerate distance from the fire. It was then that the dwarf noticed her coloured finger tips. "What happened to your fingers?" He gasped, grasping one of her hands in his, inspecting them closely. She let him.

"I don't know." She mumbled, but shook out of her thoughts quickly, changing her answer. "I burned them, but not on purpose." Kili's eyes met hers, concern and confusion evident within them. "It was so cold." She tried to defend. With that, Kili rose from his seat, causing Raewyn to clutch onto his sleeve, ignoring the burning pain it gave her fingers.

"No, please-" "I'm getting a bowl of water for you." "No," she dismissed, a look in her eyes unlike any Kili had seen before. If he had, it had certainly not been coming from her. There was so much evident distress and panic, just as he planned to walk away. "Please stay." She repeated, exhaling a sigh of relief as he sat back down beside her, his heart beating wildly at her sudden change in behaviour

"Alright."

“And the hate still shapes me. So hold me, until it sleeps.”

They simply sat there for a moment, far enough from the fire that Raewyn wouldn't come too close again, but not far enough to not feel the warmth radiating off of it. Yet, regardless of all that, Kili still felt helpless: "Is there anything I can do to help?"

She answered quickly, as if the answer had been on the tip of her tongue to begin with. "Just stay." She swallowed harshly, sitting closer to him until their shoulders were touching. "I don't want to be alone."

"You won't have to be." He whispered, doing his best to comfort her in any way he could.

"Everything is done, but it-" she ranted, trying to find the right words. "It doesn't feel over." "I know." The dwarf agreed, unsure of whether he should embrace her again or leave her for a moment. She was hard to read at times, and he did not want to take anything the wrong way. If he didn't get his hopes up, he wouldn't be disappointed.

Raewyn didn't notice his internal struggle. She simply looked up at him, some flabbergasted. "You know?" "I haven't had a good sleep for days." He confessed. Each time he tried to sleep, he'd see that dreaded hill, and Raewyn's figure refusing to resurface. The blood that had stained his hands that wasn't his, the crack of ribs as he tried to resuscitate the dying figure, the way she hadn't woken up in days. It caused him more agony than relief. Even after it all had ended.

"Each time I am by myself, my mind plagues me. It shows me things that have already come to pass. I can't seem to get it out." Raewyn nodded at that, somewhat glad she wasn't the only one, even if she felt he didn't deserve to receive the pain she had been going through. She would never wish that upon him. But she didn't tell him that.

"Me neither." She whispered, then leaned her head on his shoulder as her eyes became glued to the fire in front of her.

"Ki, it was so cold." She muttered, her hands trying to find a comfortable way to lay on her lap. "You're alright." He hummed, noticing her struggle. Again, his hands reached for hers, the freezing touch of hers sending an involuntary shiver along his arms. He pushed it down. She seemed to relax under his warmth.

"You're here now."

“Until it sleeps, until it sleeps. Until it sleeps, until it sleeps.”

——

Taglist:

@errruvande @writingawaymylife @justnerdystuffs @spidergirla5 @fallenangeloflight @bianavacker-is-bi-as-hell @lxdymormont @deathofafangirl01 @the-cranck-hobbit @chaoticpaintsplatter @bxtchopolis @radbarbariancupcake @gay-destiel

[luna-writes-stuff]

Chapter XLIII

A Kili X OC fic

Previous chapter // Next chapter

Tw: Feelings. A long awaited chapter, if you will. Emotions??? Crying?? Really mild for my doing.

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You know what’s scarier than a dragon? Feelings.

Raewyn didn't remember falling asleep in his chambers that night. Everything had gone by in a flash. She remembered waking up before him, slanted against the wooden frame of his bed, still seated on the floor, the slight brush of his arm against hers. It was enough to raise a sinking feeling in her stomach. Not one of desperation or grief - it was a nice feeling.

She remembered gently waking him and thanking him for comforting her. After that, one of the younger girls from Laketown helped her into one of her dresses, most suitable for a funeral. She had helped the girl back to her mother in the big halls of Erebor, before entering the Gallery of Kings, now littered with a golden floor. On the higher steps of the stairs, she could already see Thorin, Bard and Thranduil, accompanied by a handful of elves and men. What caused her breath to hold momentarily was seeing Fili and Kili up there in regal robes, standing beside Thorin proudly. With the time spent on their quest, Raewyn had slowly begun to forget that the two were indeed royalty, and had lawfully been considered princes. They never held that atmosphere of authority that Thorin seemed to ooze; it was easy to see past the fact that they had a right to a throne. And though she had been raised without hierarchy and with disdain towards kingdoms, she couldn't help but bow her head slightly to the pair.

The commemoration of the fallen soldiers had been long and emotional. Raewyn hadn't lost anyone close to her - thankfully - but the sobbing of men and wailing of children was enough to cause her to blink back a few tears. She couldn't deny that the loss had been too great for words, even though the kings had done their best to try so. She didn't know how long she had been in that room, but when they came back out, sun had already set. Granted, there had been a big dinner and party afterwards to celebrate the lives and future of the people of Erebor and Dale, but she hadn't anticipated for an entire day to pass by.

All throughout the party, all she truly felt was anxiety. Bilbo would be leaving the next day, and she had yet to answer Thorin's offer. There was fright and fear in accepting the proposal for reasons she could not quite place. She wanted to stay, but simultaneously felt as if that would be intruding, even if everyone in the mountain would personally assure her that that wouldn't be a necessity. She had done her absolute best to hide from Kili, a new-found fear climbing out her body every time someone would even mention his name. She couldn't place where that had come from.

The flash of events came to a halt when she escaped to that all-too-familiar spot above the broken gates to Erebor. She had sneaked some food out for Farris, who was peacefully eating it in front of her. A plus that came with a somewhat magical owl, was that she ate everything and never got sick. That way, Raewyn could sneak out a handful of desserts; a few for her and a few for Farris.

"You were awfully absent today." A voice suddenly cut through the silent ambiance, alerting both Raewyn and Farris of the new presence. Neither seemed surprised by it. Raewyn turned around slightly, forcing a smile onto her face. "Did you follow me here?" Kili grinned at that, walking up to the two.

"Perhaps."

The Asha scanned his figure, that same atmosphere as this afternoon suddenly flushing through her. He seemed to ooze royalty now.

"You look regal." She remarked. Immediately, his energy seemed to change, his eyes rolling around as he made a silly face, clumsily lifting the great cloak off of his shoulders. "It's so heavy." He exaggerated in true Kili fashion. The material hit the floor with a heavy thud, before Kili sat down next to it, rolling his shoulders back. "That's better."

Raewyn couldn't suppress the brief chuckle at his antics, shaking her head at him. Kili's eyes found hers, slowly drifting to her dress. "How is your back?" She shrugged as if it was nothing, ignoring the scratching of her bandages.

"Aching. Burning. Nothing new."

Kili didn't seem to catch on to her nonchalant figure, his eyebrows furrowing together in hurt. "It's been worse. You shouldn't worry about it." She tried to reassure. He just nodded in a mocking manner.

"I'll stop worrying when you can't feel it anymore."

"How are your hands?" Raewyn tried to change the subject, referring to his still bandaged hands. "Sore." He muttered, flexing his fingers as if to make his point. A mischievous smile climbed onto his face as he looked up at her through his lashes. "It's been worse." Raewyn scoffed at that in humour, leaning her head back slightly. She tried to regulate the expressions on her face. As long as he thought you were okay, a voice echoed in her head. Her smile, however, seemed to fall quicker than intended, now replaced by a far-off stare. Kili noticed it immediately.

"Are you alright?"

She looked at him, mentally cursing herself for dropping her mood so quickly. "Peachy." She tried to placate, but when Kili didn't answer that, she knew he didn't believe her. With a heavy sigh, she fed Farris another piece, ignoring the rough tugging on her heartstring. "I feel tense - on edge." She confessed, now looking down at the owl, somewhat anxious to meet his gaze. It didn't help that he seemed to look at her regardless of where her eyes fell. She could feel his worried eyes on her.

"What for?"

"I don't know." She muttered. "It's like the imminent dread of some sort of event. It feels inescapable."

Kili let out a silent 'ah' of understanding, nodding along with it, even though she couldn't see it. "Any way I can help?"

"No," She answered. I think you're actually making it worse.

She didn't dare to say that out loud, even if it was the truth. She was already feeling inner turmoil, but at the mere mention of his name or brief glances of him thrown her way seemed to only amplify it, a heavy pit settling into her stomach. Him actually talking to her made her want to dig a hole in the concrete floor and lay in it for an undecided amount of time.

When it became clear she wasn't going to comment on it any further, Kili tried to change the topic: "Bilbo is leaving as soon as the sun rises." And the sinking feeling in her stomach seemed to have reached the bottom, an almost nauseating feeling now rising up. She hated it. Even when facing Smaug, she hadn't felt like this. It was terrible - she hated it. She felt incredibly hot, and began to pay a lot of attention to her breathing. Not because it began to speed up; because it seemed to be the only thing she could hear clearly.

"So he told me." She tried to play off. "It's weird - I'm already missing the little bugger." Kili mumbled, his voice hitting her even harder.

"I'll tell him you said that." She mused absentmindedly. She didn't know if she actually said it out loud, because the dwarf didn't speak afterwards. It was just a sudden silence - perhaps comfortable for him, but it was dreadful for her. She needed to talk about something else. Anything else.

"What will happen once the dwarves have returned to the mountain?" She managed out, still not meeting his eyes. She heard Kili laugh slightly at her question. "All the dwarrowdams will be wearing all kinds of silly dresses. And I don't doubt there will be many awfully stupid meetings. A kingdom back on the rise will likely do that." Trying to copy his sarcasm, she nodded along: "That sounds entertaining." "It's dreadful," He claimed. "But if you'll stay, I could talk with the fun captain of the guard."

That felt like a direct shot to the heart. A shallow breath escaped Raewyn as she coughed, trying to cover up the deep sigh. "Yeah, perhaps."

Kili frowned at that. Perhaps he had been oblivious to the sudden shift in her mood, but the sigh definitely did not go unheard by him: "Does the offer cause you stress? Because, if it does, you can take your time making the decision. Dwalin could take over in the mean time."

Yes, she wanted to scream. Instead, what came out was a curt "it feels odd".

"The dragon is dead, Erebor is reclaimed. Dale will be rebuild." "Yes," The dwarf agreed. "The start of a new era. It's odd to see it happen, I suppose. It's something you only ever hear in tales."

She didn't know what it was in his words, but she hated it. Her hands had begun to shake and she was having a hard time covering it up. Something was so terribly wrong. The whole situation seemed wrong. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to do with Thorin's offer, she didn't know what to do with Bilbo's leaving, she didn't know what to do after Erebor had been reclaimed. She never imagined ever meeting Kili. He was the reason she went through all this unneeded stress right now. If it wasn't for him, she would have easily rejected Thorin. She would have left with Bilbo days ago and she would have never thought of Erebor again. Kili had ruined everything. And she hated that she couldn't even hate him for it.

Standing up quickly, she heaved another deep exhale, forcing back tears that had sprung into her eyes during the stress. She wasn't even sad. She just didn't know what to do. It was so much at once and she couldn't talk about it. She couldn't even properly think about it.

God, Kili terrified her.

"I'm not feeling too well." She managed out, leaving all the desserts on the floor for Farris. Before she could even walk past Kili, he had also risen from his spot, his hand finding hers. The skip in her heart was almost enough to let her crumble right now.

Almost.

"Should I get Oín?" He wondered in concern. "No, I'll be fine." Raewyn dismissed, ripping her hand from Kili's, doing her best to regulate her breathing. "I think I shall return to my chambers."

"Should I walk with you?"

"No." She spoke immediately, a gesture that made Kili recoil slightly. "I'm sorry," She apologized. "I appreciate the gesture, but..." I don't want you around me. She didn't tell him that. Of course she wouldn't. Why was this so hard all of the sudden?

"I can find my way. Bard was asking for you a short while ago. That's likely more important." "I doubt that." He countered stubbornly. "Kili, please?" Raewyn pleaded. "If only to soothe my mind?"

Whether it was the terrified glance in her eyes or her rigid form, Kili seemed to adamantly agree to her words. "Alright," He sighed. "Get some rest." She nodded quickly, before rushing towards the entry to the mountain. She could feel her heart pound against her chest with every move. Not in a cliche way, but in a way that left her truly scared. She was scared that she was this frightened. The last few weeks had been lived on pure adrenaline, but she had never been this terrified. Not when facing Smaug, not when battling with the orcs, not when plunging into a freezing lake. Not when she was facing nearly certain death. She was frantic in a way she had never been before and she couldn't understand why.

The second her feet stepped through her bedroom door, she collapsed to the floor, her shaking hands slamming the door shut, before her shoulder rested against it. It was all his stupid fault. She wouldn't have gone through this if it wasn't for him. She knew he would never want her to feel this just because of him, and part of it made the entire ordeal even worse. It made her hysterical. This was awful. This was sickening. Who was to say what would happen if she stayed? Would she have to go through this every single day? That would be a true nightmare.

The flurry of events and anxiety didn't calm down until she had fallen asleep against the hardwood door, her cheeks puffed and her skin red, in that same black dress the girl had given her that morning. She felt little peace in her sleep, but at least she was out. It was the most rest she'd get for now.

——

The sun had just risen when Raewyn found herself in front of Bilbo's chambers, her old recovered armour covering her figure. She only had to knock once before the door was opened, her familiar friend welcoming her with a brief smile before returning to his packing. Wordlessly, she stepped into the room, watching him sort out the last of his things. When he finally closed the bag, she gave him a hopeful glance. She could see some sort of turmoil in his eyes, and she had only hoped he hadn't changed his mind.

"Ready to go?" She asked him hesitantly. Bilbo looked at his own stuff, before letting his eyes run over Raewyn, doubt clear in his features. It didn't soften as he spoke his next words: "Are you?"

His words took aback, and she couldn't help but let out a scoffed chuckle at it. "Why would I not be?" Bilbo stopped his movements, exhaling deeply as he patted his hands to his side uncomfortably. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself quickly. When Raewyn didn't respond to it, he resumed his notion: "Look," he sighed. "I know this isn't my place to say, but there is so much keeping you here. Why would you leave?"

Silence filled the room upon his question, and neither of them could really predict what the other was going to say. Of all the things Raewyn had expected, she never expected her friend to insinuate she should stay here. She figured he'd be delighted that she came with him. It would offer extra safety, she thought of them as close friends, and he had always spoken to her about the Shire. And now he was asking her why she would join him?

Why did she join him? It wasn't because it was her goal in life to find a home in the Shire. It was too calm for her liking. She'd be surrounded by hobbits who would continuously stare at her, and she'd be obligated to bother Bilbo every second of the day. There were no conflicts she could help with, or spaces she could explore when she'd grow bored. She'd inevitably grow bored. However peaceful it sounded, the Shire was no place for an Asha, even if they spent their lives defending it.

She also didn't want to go back into the wilds. It'd be much too different now. Somewhere along the journey she had begun to forsake the life she had grown so accustomed to. Perhaps she wanted to return to it just for the familiarity of it; not because she liked it.

Bilbo's voice tore her out of her thoughts, which she hadn't even known she was stuck in. "You don't want to go." It wasn't a question; it was a statement. If it had been a guess, it would have been an excellent guess. She wasn't going to admit that out loud.

"They don't want me here, Bilbo. Not really." Raewyn spoke up. Not in a defeated tone, or a tone laced with sadness, no - she spoke it as if it was a well-known fact. To her, it was. "I'm not a dwarf; this isn't my place."

"You're scared." Bilbo countered, shocking even himself that those words tumbled out so easily. Furrowing her eyebrows together in offence, she stared at him. "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are," The hobbit returned, surprised at himself for going against Raewyn, who could easily knock him out if she wanted to, especially if she was angry. She seemed angry now. Be that as it may, he continued: "You're scared that you won't belong."

"Of course I don't belong," She noted in a slightly raised voice, as if it was the most apparent fact of all time. There was no emotion behind it. And if there was, Bilbo couldn't hear it. "I've known that all my life. It doesn't scare me." "It doesn't scare you to be alone?" The hobbit repeated confused. "No." Raewyn denied, shaking her head to emphasise her point.

Swallowing thickly, Bilbo balanced on the balls of his feet, nodding his head in feigned belief. His friend didn't notice the faked expression. "You're stronger than me," he simply stated. "I'd be terrified."

A soft smile appeared on Raewyn's face as she listened to him: "You're a hobbit. You're sociable by nature. I was raised alone." Her justification didn't seem right to him, but he refused to completely argue with her logic. "That doesn't mean that it shouldn't scare you." He mumbled in empathy, refusing to meet the Asha's gaze. When she figured out he wasn't going to look at her, she just closed her eyes in frustration, turning around as she pointed towards the door.

"Can we just go?"

The hobbit followed her instructions silently, risking one last look into the room he had slept in for the past days, before ultimately closing the door. Raewyn let him lead the way. The dwarves had prepared their departure from Bilbo, but she hadn't told them anything about her own choice. Bilbo was going to say goodbye, as they had planned, and she'd wait outside. Perhaps keeping her venture a secret wasn't the best idea, but knowing the company, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

The morning air was cold, hot clouds forming from her mouth as she stood outside, watching Farris circle her continuously. Gandalf had stood beside her in silence, though his looks said enough. He knew arguing with her would be futile, but the least he could do was give her a couple glances. She felt it. She wasn't going to respond to them.

Before long, Bilbo finally emerged from the gates, a troubled expression on his face. He awkwardly nodded towards the pair, contradicting what both the ranger and wizard had expected - Bilbo was ecstatic to go home. They had expected a slight smile or relieved sigh. Not this uncomfortable nod. He didn't speak, he didn't mutter - nothing. The pair just followed him silently, unsure of what to say or do. A heavy feeling settled in Raewyn's pit the further they strayed from the mountain. They weren't even in Dale yet when the lump in her throat had become scratchy and painful.

Almost as if he could sense it, Bilbo turned around, stopping in his steps. Swallowing down the unpleasant lump, Raewyn tilted her head slightly. "Bilbo?" "What makes you happy, Raewyn?" He asked without skipping a beat, giving her an accusing look. It was the first thing he had said since leaving Erebor.

It wasn't the fact that they had been walking for a handful of minutes now and those were his words - it was the stone cold undertone to his question that had taken her aback. "Beg your pardon?" "What makes you happy?" He repeated, his voice even colder now, as if she had just committed the greatest crime known to him. Be that as it may, she tried to make light of the situation, not looking forward to days of walking in another hostile silence.

"Um, rain?" She thought aloud. "The smell of freshly baked bread?" Bilbo refused to answer, which caused her to let out a hesitant 'hedgehogs?'.

"Not that." The hobbit dismissed. "Well, that's what makes me happy." "No, it doesn't." Bilbo interrupted. From the corner of her eyes, she could see the wizard shift slightly, chuckling under his breath with an ever-so-prominent smile.

"Sorry?" "Rain doesn't make you happy." The hobbit went on. "I don't think you truly know what can make me happy." Her tone had dropped slightly, no longer amused with Bilbo's speech. "Oh, but I do," He ignored her underlying threat. "So, I'll ask you again; what makes you happy, Raewyn? Genuinely happy."

"Warm sheets." She deadpanned. When she received the same glare from Bilbo, she rolled her eyes, genuinely thinking her answer over. There were a hundred little things she could mention, but she knew it wouldn't satisfy Bilbo. She didn't know what would. There was truly only one thing that she dare speak aloud that might give him some contentment: "Peace?"

"Peace?" Bilbo repeated with a somewhat relieved sigh. "For who?"

For who? She could have wished peace upon everyone - wishing it for herself would seem selfish. But, then again, it had been the one thing she had been longing for for years: a home. Somewhere safe and content. A happy place, without malice or hurt.

"Myself," She confessed, but not without a scoff. "To not fight every day. A place I could call home." She then pointed to her friend, a heavy breath following her words in defeat. "Kind of what you have." "A home," Bilbo voiced with content, finally satisfied with her answer. "That's here. Why do you run from it?" There was that dreadful lump in her throat again. Just when she had begun to forget about it, it returned, now twice its weight. Bilbo was her friend. If she couldn't be honest to him, who could she be honest to?

"What if I am scared?" She whispered, her lower lip shaking slightly. Bilbo's face softened at her question, even though it did not come as a surprise to him.

"You are?" "What if, one day, he wakes and doesn't want to see me anymore? There'd be nothing left for me there." He couldn't resist the sympathetic smile forming on his face, his shoulders dropping with his words.

"Raewyn, I don't think anyone will ever love you more than he does. I don't even think Gandalf makes a valuable opponent." The hobbit spoke, as he nodded his head towards the wizard, who had simply stood there and watched the endeavour unfold. "I'm not ready to settle for that life," Raewyn mumbled, swallowing thickly. "I might never be." "You'll never be if you keep wondering." Bilbo answered gently, his unrelenting attitude finally calming down.

The Asha turned to Gandalf in slight panic, hoping to seek aid from him. "Gandalf-" "Don't look at me," He smiled. "You've been on your own for far too long." The desperation was clear on her face. Having already been in turmoil, her friend's word didn't exactly offer her any form of comfort or reassurance, and Bilbo could see it written all over her.

"Actually," He coughed. "I don't want you on this journey. I don't want you to travel with me." It wasn't spoken in a soft manner, for he knew it would be futile. No - this was a command. "You should go back."

With a crestfallen expression, she looked upon her friend, unsure of what to do. She could only bow her head in understanding. "The Shire isn't what you're looking for, not really," The hobbit continued, his tone much more gentle as he walked towards Raewyn. "And maybe you don't know this yet, for whatever dull reason, but you're not looking for a place. You told me this yourself. Home isn't somewhere; it's someone." His hand found her lower arm, giving it a comforting hold. "'Home isn't a place, Bilbo. It's people'." He quoted. "Weren't those your exact words?"

"I don't recall saying that." "Misty Mountains, after we encountered the stone gi- look, it doesn't matter." He trailed off. "What matters is that you have people who want you with them. Even the one person you've spend your entire life loathing wants you to stay." He paused shortly, trying not to get worked up over Raewyn's indecision. "You have something good there, Raewyn. I don't even think I have that in my house. You're not going to find that anywhere else, ever again."

Hopeful eyes met hers as she did her best to keep her emotions in, frightened it would be too much once it would flow free. However, Bilbo's next words seemed to break the dam building in her eyes: "Please, go back."

Quickly wiping away a stray tear, Raewyn grabbed onto Bilbo's shoulders. "I'll miss you," She managed out, trying to keep her voice steady.

"I'll miss you too. Very much, so." Careful not to put too much pressure on her back, the hobbit wrapped Raewyn into a warm hug - one that she was quick to reciprocate. "I've grown fond of you, Bilbo." She sniffed, parting from him, yet keeping him at an arm's length distance. "Don't do anything stupid. Keep yourself safe, for my sake." He nodded his head feverishly at her words, bowing his head in farewell afterwards: "I do hope you'll come to visit sometimes." A heartfelt snicker tore from her as she once wiped away another tear that had fallen.

"I'll visit you so often, I'll begin to bother your neighbours." He smiled in return, his eyes now glossy as well.

"That'd be lovely."

Before he could fully break, Raewyn had turned to Gandalf, her smile fading into an unsure expression. "My dear Raewyn," the wizard began, his eyes narrowing with his joyful expression. "I've been alone before, but this just seems much harder." She confessed, walking up to him and wrapping her arms around him, silently memorising the way he hugged her back. Just in case.

"Oh, but you won't be alone, will you?" Gandalf chuckled, parting from her with a grin. She could feel the heat rise to her cheeks, but refused to comment on the matter.

"Don't become a stranger."

"You won't have to worry about that." The wizard winked, walking up to the hobbit, grasping his shoulder in acknowledgment. Bilbo got the silent hint and offered a final wave to his friend.

"Goodbye, Raewyn." "Farewell," She whispered back, remaining there on the frozen floor as she watched the two descend further down the mountain. It wasn't until she saw their two tiny figures near the city of Dale that she finally turned around.

New-found confidence surged through her as she climbed back up, huffing in protest of the sudden exercise her back muscles had gotten. Thranduil had been kind enough to return her armour after the funeral, but it had been nowhere near injury-safe. In fact, the thumping of the metal might have made it worse. She was just grateful Gandalf had healed the most part, and she was left with nothing but scars and a dull ache. Be that as it may, she had laid down for days - she hadn't this much exercise since the battle upon Ravenhill. By the time she had gotten back to the gates of Erebor, she was severely out of breath.

Her heart began to speed up at the thought of facing the dwarves after she left them without telling. Scratch that - she had to face him. Forcing the anxious feeling down, she grunted loudly, shooting a helpless glance at the sky, as if someone was going to help her. "Fighting a dragon was easier." She mumbled under her breath, before ultimately walking back into the gates.

She was confused to see no one stand guard, but figured it had still been too early. The entry hall was empty, and her footsteps echoed through the halls. Farris, who had loyally followed Raewyn inside, had now found a spot upon the unlit chandelier, already pecking at her feathers. Confidence faded into hesitance when she saw Nori's figure walking the empty halls, his back to her. She must have been too loud, because he turned around quickly, a surprised look on his face. He was swift to notice her weathered armour and heavy cloak around her. It was easy for him to piece two by two together.

"Lass, you're leaving too?"

"Where's Kili?" She dismissed, completely out of breath, but still on the high of her adrenaline. Wordlessly, the dwarf pointed towards the large hole in the wall that led to the hall of kings. Raewyn nodded in gratitude, immediately taking off in that direction, not giving herself more time to overthink it.

In the room was a small group of dwarves picking up the rubble from broken pillars Smaug had left. Among them, Raewyn recognised Gloin and Bifur. On the other side, she could see a second, even smaller group of dwarves, who seemed lost in conversation. Kili found her before she could even see him, pushing through the dwarves with a relieved look on his face. She could vaguely hear his brother utter an apology, but she wasn't focused on that right now. All she could really focus on was trying to keep her breathing down and praying that no one could hear her pounding heart.

"Thank Mahal, you're alright," The dwarf sighed as he ran up to her, grabbing her arms as he inspected her face, trying to look for any form of distress. "We couldn't find you."

When his eyes trailed to his hands, he seemed to realise hadn't been holding on to her tunic - he was holding onto her armour. "You're leaving?" He stuttered out, his face falling immediately.

"I am. I-I was." Raewyn corrected, wincing slightly when Kili's hands dropped from her arms. Heartbroken, he looked at her, his eyebrows furrowed together in hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?" A hesitant sigh slipped past Raewyn's lips as she tried to smile the discomfort off: "Because you'd ask me to stay."

"Is that such a horrible thing?" Kili countered, his voice breaking, causing Raewyn to finally let down her defences. She glances around the room, noticing the crowd of dwarves who had begun to look at the pair of them. Part of her couldn't care less about who saw them now, but she couldn't deny that it still left her feeling slightly out of place. "Kili," She began softly. "I don't belong in the mountain."

"Forget the mountain," He dismissed, not following her eyes. Instead, they looked directly into hers. "You'd leave anywhere without telling me?"

Her heart skipped a beat at his words, her hands squeezing together in attempted reassurance. "I know that wasn't-" "I'm not going to ask you to stay." The dwarf interrupted. Immediately, that build-up courage dropped, all her weight falling into her shoes. "Oh," She breathed, the lump in her throat returning. She had made a fool of herself. Of course he wouldn't ask her to stay if she decided to leave. He respected her wishes, but for once, she wished he would fight for her.

Her mind had already convinced her of rejection, so when he dropped to his knees in front of her, clutching her hands, she stood there frozen, staring at him in clear surprise. "Stay."

Oh

"What?" She whispered, her voice almost inaudible. "I need you to stay. Please." He wasn't asking her to stay - he was begging her. She could have cried in relief upon the realization.

"Kili-" "Forget the mountain!" He repeated, fearing she would start arguing again. "I do not care about where or how. I need you to stay with me. That is all." His hands worked to remove one of her gloves, squeezing it tightly when he managed to do so. She didn't fight it. "I need you to stay with me. We could go anywhere. I'd run with you." A deep breath came from him as he looked up at her, the sight of him almost having her drop to her knees as well. "I have spent a lifetime looking for you, and I'm not going to let you leave without at least trying. And I am sorry I didn't try sooner. I should have. But I was scared and stupid and you were truly all I could ever want." He cried. "So, please, don't leave me."

Finally, she held onto his hands, no longer letting them hang loosely beside her. With wide eyes and an open mouth, she stared at him. "I'm not leaving." She whispered. Now, it was his turn to be confused:

"What?"

"Well, I was going to, but- hobbits can be quite rude." She rambled, dropping to her knees in front of him, joining him on the golden floor. "I was terrified," She admitted. "I have never been that scared in my life. Kili, my hands were shaking at the mere thought of you, because all I could think about was how you would eventually tire of me." Tears of lament began to gather in her eyes at the thought.

"How could I ever tire of you?" Kili asked genuinely. One of his hands let go of hers, now raising to her face, cradling her cheek gently. "Raewyn, you could burn down everything and everyone I care for, and I'd still have you."

A choked sob escaped the ranger at his words, a sorrowful smile on her face as she dropped her head, chuckling at her own sadness. "I'm sorry," Kili looked at her, fearing rejection would hit him next.

"No, it's..." He mumbled, trying to push his pain down. "It's alright."

"I didn't- Ki, that's not what I meant." Raewyn corrected, lifting her head to look back at him. "I'm sorry it's me. You deserve more."

"More than you?" He grinned, the tears gathering in his eyes slowly slipping down. "I don't think that exists." She could only laugh poorly at that, sniffing as she attempted to regain her posture. "Stay. Please." The dwarf pleaded for a final time.

The Asha rose to one knee, her hands fumbling with the outer layer of her clothing, seemingly looking for something. When she found it, she took it out of her pocket, dropping it into Kili's open palm. The dwarf stared at the object, his vision now blurring through the emotions. Though he couldn't see it clearly, he knew what she had lain there. A small, silver piece of jewelry, finely engraved with a Dwarvish rune that was only carried by one bloodline the world still held. One bead that Thranduil had returned to Gandalf after the battle.

"Rae-" "It is yours," She cut him off with a hushed tone. "As is my love. But, please," She closed his palm, looking into his eyes with a look he had never seen before. "Put me in a silly dress and take me to your stupid meetings."

A pathetic chuckle came from him as he wiped his tears off on their intertwined hands. "What colour should your silly dress be?" She laughed with him, her forehead falling against his, relishing under the touch.

"Whatever colour you'd like."

Slowly, his head rose from hers, that same boyish, yet emotional grin on his face. It was more mature now, but no less attractive. Before she could really come up with anything to say, both his hands cupped her face, his thumbs rubbing against her cheeks. Gently, he leaned forward, trying to seek any form of discomfort on her face. In response, she copied his movement, halting his hesitance by placing her lips on his. The one leg that had sat up when finding her bead returned back to the floor as her hands wrapped around his neck, forcing herself into his hold, its familiar embrace soothing her still swirling nerves. The way his thumbs were still brushing against her skin did nothing to help the mayhem of butterflies in her stomach, though.

She did not wish to part from him. Not this soon - not now. But in the heat of the moment they forgot they still had an audience, and thus, she parted from him, but not before lingering just a little bit longer than would have been usual.

"You really want to spend the rest of your life with me?" Kili tried to joke, still holding her close. "I'm going to get very annoying."

"I'd burn down kingdoms if it meant I'd get to live my life with you." "Please don't." The dwarf whispered, placing a quick kiss on her lips as she went to move back. When they were separated, his hands ran to his own pockets, pulling out a second bead, similar to the one he had given her before the battle. "Then, I believe this is yours." He placed the tiny piece in her hands, watching the way she clutched it tightly. "My lady." She snickered at his teasing tone, but was happy to copy it nonetheless, letting one hand run through his hair, gazing at him in silent admiration.

"My prince."

——

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[luna-writes-stuff]

anyway, check out my Kili x oc series Starcrossed Losers right here <3