#ROSEGUIDED : KARI MILLER .

[likem1dnight]

there's a mixture of emotions within him : from grief to relief . between losing sarah and not knowing whether @roseguided was alive . whether joel would ever see his wife again . but there she is, and the question she asks hits him like a wave of bricks . where's sarah ? he had thought about this moment time and time again . what was he going to say, how he was supposed to break the news to his wife that their babygirl was gone .

' i'm so so sorry, baby ... ' joel starts, calloused fingers spin the wedding band on his finger, the ring he has never taken off . ' i couldn't ... i couldn't save her . '

[ritiual]

@roseguided

she was the ghost of christmas past— his wife, alive and breathing, standing right in front of him. he'd mourned her like he had with sarah, coming to his own conclusions— there was no way she had survived, just as their daughter had died in his arms. (he had placed his focus elsewhere, ignoring their existence entirely until they were nothing more than a faint memory of decades prior.) there had been no time to grieve— his grief had already consumed him, leaving nothing behind but the residue of a man. there's no where to turn from this, though— no more running from his past. not as kari mounts herself in front of him, questioning where sarah is / whether sarah is safe. joel can feel his heart shattering, synonymous with a glass window— broken, discarded, and a mess. “sarah... she's dead. military shot her the night i tried to get us outta' the city. she died in my arms.” the words feel foreign on the tip of his tongue, a subject he hadn't spoken about in over twenty-years. [not even a topic tommy dared to bring up.] straightening his posture, his arms move to fold themselves tightly across his chest, eyes never straying from her.

“tried t'do everything i could for her. tommy shot the bastard but it was too late. i'm sorry.”

[murkyhazed-is-archiving]

LIKED : high muse starter call / @roseguided

feat. tess servopoulos and kari miller.

               awkward   would   probably   be   the   best   word   to   describe   this   current   situation.      in   a   room   alone   with   your…      something’s   ex-wife,   actually   not   even   ex,   they’re   still   married.      now   she   and   joel   haven’t   really   put   a   title   on   whatever   it   is   they   are,   but   it’s   definitely   more   than   just   friends,   even   if   the   two   of   them   can’t   admit   it.      this   just   adds   an   entirely   new   level   of   complex   and   complicated.      ❝   look,   i’ll   be   honest,   i   don’t   know   what   i’m   supposed   to   say   to   you.   ❞      it’s   rare   that   tess   is   left   speechless,   but   this   situation   has   definitely   left   her   that   way.      ❝   that’s   not   me   trying   to   come   off   as   bitchy   either,   i   genuinely   don’t   know   what   to   say.   ❞

[ritiual]

he recognizes, in his own way, that joel miller died right alongside sarah— buried in the grave that she rests in. he's no longer the husband and father he once was. the smile that would rest across his face on a sunday morning, the scent of pancakes breezing throughout their kitchen, has been replaced with a permanent stoic expression, depicting fire and ice combined— a force to not be reckoned with. [once a father / husband has nothing left to live for, they crumble like the rot around them.] there's an ache in his heart, a resemblance to a world that no longer exists. there's not enough time to grieve, nor spare tears about the past. [if there was, perhaps he could have taken advantage of it.] instead, all they're offered as survivors of cruelty is more grief to swallow.

taking a step towards the chair, a hand moves to his wife's shoulder— an attempt of comfort, a side of empathy he lacks in the common day. it's an odd sensation, one that feels right in every sense, but also a state of vulnerability he hasn't dared express in decades. “there ain't nothin' we could've done, kari. they gunned her down— hell, they would've shot me too if tommy hadn't saved my ass.” there's a hidden truth in this world, residing beneath the moss and greenery that's consumed their life: there was nothing pretty left about it. all it does is take and never returns in its honor. it's all bullshit— everything about it. [if god exists, he has a funny way of expressing his love.] fingers running themselves across his wife's shoulder, his eyes meet hers, a love inside them only shared between husband and wife.

“that night— if i had the chance, i'd do it all over again. i've lived with that guilt for twenty fuckin' years. i miss her every single day.”

𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐉𝐎𝐄𝐋 & 𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐇 , of holding them in her arms once again. to look upon his face , no matter how weathered , & tell him she never gave up trying to find them. the drive for finding them had been strongest in the beginning , yet as time wore on her mind tried to convince her they were likely dead. heart refused to even consider it. twenty years of surviving , of searching , had left her to the boston zone where she happened to run into exactly she was looking for ! kari couldn’t resist throwing her arms around him at first , of remembering her mind of what it felt like to have him so close. it was only when joel spoke of needing to talk, how grave he sounded , did kari know something was wrong. ( it was a sinking feeling in her gut. a heaviness , a sense of hesitation. whatever it was she knew she didn’t want to hear it even before he spoke it a loud. even then, it didn’t feel real. ) ; eyes fixate on him as he explains , heart nearly stopping inside her chest. a wordless shock. body sits in a chair lest they give out on themselves—tears burn the back of her eyes, spilling out onto her cheeks while shaking hand covers her mouth. ❛ oh my . . oh my god. ❜ spoken through hot tears , through gasping breathe , through an unbelievable ache that has taken root inside of her heart. not her baby. not sarah, not their baby. ❛ i should’ve — i should’ve been there ! we could’ve- . . god damn it ! ❜ hands cover her face as she cries. as if to hide.

[likem1dnight]

this isn't something he's ever spoken about out loud . all he's done is push forward - not think about the past and certainly not talk about sarah . not with tommy, not with tess . it was as if he knew they would reunite, and perhaps that was what he was waiting for all along . he hates that the has to break kari's world like this, and in all honesty, maybe it was for the better for him to relive this grief . combat boots take him over to the sofa, elbows resting on knees and for the moment he doesn't look up at his wife .

joel knows what she's asking even if she doesn't say it . she doesn't have to . " it was the day of the outbreak, everyone was tryin' to leave ... " he pauses, taking a moment to compile himself . " we got into a car accident and sarah injured her leg so i had to carry her . "

the details are a little hazy . he's never had to recall the moment . his forehead creases and he finally looks up at kari . the pain, the heartbreak that was plastered over her . the same pain that is present in his voice . " we were bein' chased by runners and a soldier shot 'em and then he decided to go for us ... " tears well and his gaze drops again to focus on a spot on the floor . " there was nothing i could do ... she died in my arms . "

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐒 𝐊𝐄𝐏𝐓 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐆𝐎𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐏𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐇𝐄 & 𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐇 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 . . somehow. years spent with this ever present, gnawing knot of guilt in her chest for being late, for missing them, for even deciding to go see her parents mere days before. kari had tried to make peace with where she was at the time of the outbreak, but she couldn't. not completely. not in some way that she'd ever be free of it---now, it worsens tenfold. it feels like being punched in the gut, like having her heart ripped out of her chest. not only did she miss them, but she missed her daughters last moments. she missed being there for joel in a kind of grief only they could ever understand.

the moment words leave @likem1dnight's lips kari's entire nervous system shifts. her hands become clammy, eyes widen, an insistent ringing starts in her ears. stomach turns, too, to where she's afraid she might lose her breakfast earlier that day.

she has to take in a deep breath to refill her lungs with air. eyes don't look at her husband for a moment, choosing to focus on a crack in the wall just past his hands. ❛ tell me wha- . . ❜ voice wavers, kari trying to push off her tears for a moment longer to speak: ❛ i know it might-might be painful but, i- . . i need . . ❜ i need you to tell me what happened, joel is spoken silently.