#PublicJournals

[symbiosisonlinepublishing]

A biocompatible polymer could help deliver vaccines and drugs with reduced risk of the rare dangerous adverse reaction called anaphylaxis. Visit: https://symbiosisonlinepublishing.com/biochemistry/

[bunnyofblackgables]

Hello

Yes, the title of my blog is an homage to the beloved children’s classic, Anne of Green Gables (1908), by L.M. Montgomery. I grew up watching the 1985 film version starring Megan Follows, and then later read the book. While Anne certainly had her bout of troubles, symbolically her gables were always "green" and she even got a happy ending. Bunny was my childhood nickname, and while I still enjoy its use, the adult world in which I find myself is more ominous and the troubles I face are far more treacherous than Anne’s. Hence, my gables are black. Perhaps some of my thoughts should be kept private. I have decided to share everything publicly with all of you because, well, I find myself in a place where I have no friends to share my thoughts and experiences with. I’ve never been one to have a ton of friends. In fact, I’ve only had two or three close friends at any given time in my life. But in the wake of multiple COVID lockdowns, followed by three waves of variants, and compounded by the fact that it’s really hard to make new friends as an adult, I reached a place where I’ve come to find myself alone. I have no intimate friends. I am established in a “successful” career, but it’s an incredibly stressful and challenging field where opening up to your coworkers is a dangerous option. So I don’t. My city is a horrible city to date in. (Trust me, I know.) So I don’t. I live in a high-rise apartment in a major metropolitan city where neighbors don’t mean jack shit. So they’re out. Opening my heart to a mostly anonymous audience is a new adventure for me. In turn, you’ll be learning the inner secrets of a mostly anonymous blogger. But I think a lot of you will be able to relate to the things I think and feel. I haven’t had a best friend, a real best friend, since I was eight years old. But I want to have a best friend now. This is not going to be a nice, flowery, “feel good” blog. I want to be human, and I want to treat you as if you are my best friend. Here goes nothing. Yours truly, Bunny

[publicjournal]

i would like some intimacy, at any capacity 

cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing, falling asleep together

anything at all would be nice 

[roselollipop]

Short Thought Quotes

"The true proof of 'how good a person is' isn't in what they have or who they're with, but who they are and what they can do" - HRGN, 2021

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<– BACK

[closetw33b]

I'm convinced I'm losing my mind. In some ways I think I have to be crazy to still want you, to think you would still want me. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I miss you everywhere. There isn't a place I can go without memories of you. I watch you drive past me like I'm not even there. I know you see me. Some days I swear you drive past just to make me see you. Does it hurt your heart like it does mine? I can't even escape you while I sleep, you haunt my dreams. There is no place where I don't see you or want you. If there is a hell this is it and I am living in it.

[lastsummerincali]

intro: its kind of a lonely and comforting thing to realize that there is no one in this world that knows me entirely and whole-y. whether its my lack of trust in them, or one of the many lies ive told someone, nobody has ever known the real me. is that when i know ive truly met the one i love, or the person im supposed to be with? idk i really dont know. im just trying to find light in the fact that im a pathological liar with trust issues. 

random feelings of the day: dread, nervous, impatience, excitement, pride, annoyance, sadness, envy, longing

random thoughts of the day: he still hasnt said a word about the fact hes leaving, why? why would he do that? i dont care if i didnt mean as much to him as he meant to me. i never wouldve seen this coming. he loved me, whether that was romantic at one point, and platonic at the next, he loved me. i could feel it, or was he that good at faking it?

i reached a pretty big milestone, i got my permit despite being well past the age to get it. he knew i wanted this so badly, and i had the biggest and most heartbreaking urge to call him, text him. hey i got my permit. no. instead, i unadded him, unfollowed him, and tried my hardest to get him out of my mind. this is hopefully the last ill stress over him. i cannot wait until im officially rid of him.

today i had such a longing for a boyfriend that i almost cried. i want a boyfriend so badly its not okay. ive honestly never had that much of a craving for a boyfriend, but right now i want one so badly. i want to hold someones hand and get nervous and feel giddy. i want a boyfriend so badly. 

friday, october 9, 2020. 11:58 pm 

[kloveyoubye]

I’m grateful for the leaves that turn yellow and fall in the spring and the summer. Having missed or under-shot the harvest season they find themselves a little lonely on the ground, grass growing quickly around them. But none-the-less, they do their job and fertilize the soil beneath them.

I’m late a lot. I’ve learned to over compensate for more precise events like appointments and jobs. But lots of big picture events in my life, like the auric healing class of which I am a part, I did not find until it had already begun. I wanted to be accepted into it so badly! The teacher allowed it, maybe hearing the desperate desire in my voice, or maybe feeling something bigger: that my desire was to learn, and I would have applied on time if I had known.

There’s another woman in the class who waited over a year for enough people to sign up. Would I have done the same? It’s hard to imagine something like that ever happening to me. I have been accepted after doors have been closed, but have rarely found myself waiting for the doors to open at “regular hours.” I’m familiar with scrambling at the last minute. Asking for permission or forgiveness accordingly, or neither. 

In college, I took an entire course in which I was not registered. I thought I was registered. I did some of my best work. I was more committed to that class than any other, for some reason. And at the end, no grade. I was comfortable with that. It felt like something that would happen to me.

We’re each in our own time zone. I definitely spent many months and years feeling guilty for being late to meals and family events. It took a lot of reminding myself that people will still like me - lots even love me(!)- even if they have to wait on me. 

[alexwolfe-blog]

Overwhelmed:

It’s nearing my birthday. I don't know why, but I always get little down around this time. 

[sadgirlsgetflowers]

I’ve spent a lot of my life being afraid of the world ending. When I was younger people would tell me not to worry and that things would be ok. The sun wouldn’t inhale me and whatever natural disaster I was fearing wouldn’t happen.

As i got older the sentiments stayed the same. It would all be ok just because it has to be. Suddenly the threat is more real and nothing anyone says convinces me that it won’t happen.

Embracing all dramatics I’m now mourning the life I won’t have. I have new anxieties thinking about which loved ones do I pick to spend my last days with. When I know it’s happening who do I turn to and how will hear the last I love you.

[lexapenndari]

September 8, 2020 ~

Tuesday

That was fun to say! The alliteration of “T”s. You see, Siri does the typing for me and saying today’s date involved many “T”s.

sepTember

eighT

TwenTy TwenTy

Tilda

Tuesday

Now you see?

#DateMe #LivingBiography

[oxymorgin-blog]

Fuck

Good evening, oxymorgin. Welcome to tumblr. I've named this the same thing I would've a decade ago. A fucking DECADE ago. I, for some reason, can't cope with life as a wife and mother. I love my family. No question there...I put being a mother before my own goals. Even though I want to work my ass off, it gets in the way of being with my son. He is exactly what I want right now. But my brain. My fucking brain. I washed years of work down the drain. I fucking failed myself.

[symbiosisonlinepublishing]

 New study finds that, the patients who are on statins drug before surgery should immediately resume the use of cholesterol medications after surgery in order to reduce the risk of death. Stopping the use of medicine can cause inflammation and leads to endothelial dysfunction which in turn increases the chance of Heart attack after surgery.

2. The team of thoracic oncology program researchers suggests that, prognostic molecular assay (14-gene expression assay) is more accurate than the conventional National Comprehensive Cancer Network (NCCN) guidelines used for differentiating early-stage Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer (NSCLC) patients.

Visit: https://symbiosisonlinepublishing.com/thoracic-and-cardiovascular-surgery/

[publicjournal]

Current Mood

I feel like angry crying, but I don’t have enough emotion to? There’s just a tight bubble in my chest that I don’t know what to do with. I’m exhausted, yet I can’t sleep. I feel numb, but not entirely. 

[roselollipop]

My Journal of Thoughts

Here are some personal ponderings that have gone through my mind and that I wish to express:

Short Thought Quotes

Written Blog Thoughts:

Entry 4 - Summary of Self-Care Recommendations (’Self-Care Toolkit’ Facebook Page)*

Entry 3 - AFL's History of ‘Tough Guy’ Issues with Severe Consequences

Entry 2 - Organising & Finding Balance in Life

Entry 1 - Being Targeted &/or Bullied Throughout My Life: The Reasons Why

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<– BACK

[pacificgrace]

early am reflections

I want to leave the accessory stuff behind. Of religion, of daily life, of education, of relationships. I want to say the words I mean and mean the words I say. I will be someone who honours the call I hold. You could say from God, or the universe, or perhaps just a deep inkling in the very centre of who I am and am to be. But it is as true as the air I breathe and as important to honour as inhale and exhale.

I want to love with meaning and devotion. I want to live less captive to fear. I want to surrender my need to control, to always know, understand. I want to learn the art of living in the flow, I want to find rhythm in the flux.

I will be a creator. I will not be controlled by fear or expectation. And I will do everything in my power to not live a life of apathy, or quiet, selfish comfort. I will do. I will use the life in my body to ease the existence of others.

And perhaps I will learn; I think I need to learn, to do before I speak. And to have integrity in the utmost centre of who I am.

Strong women. May we know them, may we raise them, may we be them.

I want to seek unity and peace and empowerment over division. I want to instil hope, and provide positive movement over a laundrylist of problems.

I’m so sick of talking. Let us start living.

[lastsummerincali]

intro: i wish people didnt leave. i wish people loved me like they said they did. i wish people wouldnt make promises they couldnt keep.

 those thoughts are what inspired me to start this journal. maybe its more of a diary or spam/finsta vibe. who cares? its my life and my account. i wanted something public and anonymous. i also wanted to see if people could relate to what i feel and think. 

sometimes it’s really hard to believe that what i experience is normal. i get so trapped in my own head and let things brew. i often convince myself that im this horrible and evil person, when in reality im just like every person thats ever lived. 

feelings of the day: physical pain, dread, stress, worry, sadness, annoyance, disappointment, exhaustion, inspiration

random thoughts of the day: it was a chill day but i woke up at like 3:40pm with the most massive headache. i’m on fall break right now so i dont have to get up at 5:30 or 6 am. 

i thought about how i called him last night crying, how he didnt care that this was the first interaction we had in three weeks. how he knows im never the first to reach out after a fight. he shouldve known how much it meant that i was the one reaching out after so many failed and indirect attempts. i called out of nowhere too, it was after work and i was tired and emotionally and physically drained and my brain went to one place, just call him, i thought. why would my brain go there? i felt perfectly fine in the weeks after he stopped talking to me? why would i have the sudden urge to call him? i asked him if he was busy. no. why havent you talked to me? to be honest he hasnt talked to anyone. am i just anyone? no. have you really been that busy? yes. well, sorry, i wont call you again. my voice broke more after every word i spoke to him. i dont understand why he reacted that way. what happened to him? what happened to our friendship? did i do something? 

i never want him in my life again, i never want him in my life to ruin a song or a memory or a friendship. i hate him more than he could have ever hated me all those months ago. after everything. hes leaving just like everyone else has. hes leaving without saying goodbye too. i hate him. i hope i never see him again. 

friday, october 9, 2020 1:25am