#Probably this would be a headcanon for the fic about xxc im starting to write

[i-love-xiao-xingchen]

Xiao Xingchen's abandonment issues

Yesterday I was thinking about the fact that Xiao Xingchen was roaming the world with A-Qing until they found Xue Yang. I hadn't thought about this before, but almost since they arrived in Yi City XXC was naturally like "well, guess this is home now" (the fact that he got some stuff to fix the roof for A-Qing and then his answer "he [Xue Yang] will leave when he recovers, who would want to live here with us" suggests he intended to stay in Yi City even after the "stranger" was gone).

And it made me think about XXC's need (probably unnoticed even by himself) of settling down with, let's say, a pack of his own? (XD) I mean, since he left the mountain his only friend (and figuratively his only home) was Song Lan. They roamed the world together and they had a common goal, but even then they were sometimes away from each other (remember the scene in CQL when XXC is fighting XY and SL appears to help, he [SL] said he happened to be night-hunting nearby so he and XXC weren't together by then). Nonetheless, XXC knew he could always find Song Lan (he was a "home" to come back let's say) and eventually they were roaming the world side by side, so it was something to hang on. He didn't have the family he left behind but he had a friend (and probably soulmate) instead as well as his purpose of saving the world.

Later everything changes terribly. XXC not only loses his sight, but also his best friend (and beloved) blames him for the death of his people and tells him to go away and never meet again. He believes SL's words, that he actually doesn't want to be his friend anymore, and as as XXC loves and respects him he leaves. He's on his own again, like the first time, only this time he's also blind and heartbroken. He feels guilty for SL's tragedy and grieves his friend's loss and his own (losing SL).

He keeps roaming the world, helping people same as before, but it's more out of habit than anything. He had a purpose that drove him out of the mountain and into the world, he still has (or wants to believes he does) but it's not as strong as before. He feels raw and grieving, there's an inherent sadness to him (that's what I thought when I saw him again in the CQL after A-Qing bumped into him), an additional shadow of white (mourning) to his figure. He doesn't look as bright as before.

Due to his fame, probably the world have always thought of XXC as unreachable. Now his new layer of sadness gives an stoic and almost legendary point to his looks, making him seem more "out of this world". Despite his blindness, he still bears Shuanghua as if he hadn't lost his sight at all. He must look more unreachable than ever. Besides, he never was that good at making friends in the cultivation world (his only friend was SL actually) and he did not belong to any sect.

Then there's the fact that somehow XXC accepts solitude as a "punishment" (although he probably doesn't acknowledge it). It seems to me that he feels he doesn't deserve friends or he's afraid of hurting them or driving them away (apart from the fact that most people find him unreachable). He doesn't try to forge new relationships as the grief he feels after losing SL is still too raw. He can't bear losing a loved one again like that. He even doubts someone would want to be with him.

Just remember when he met A-Qing. When she asked if she could keep him company XXC naturally thought she wanted to become a cultivator, not that she actually liked XXC because he was obviously good-natured and caring so she felt safe with him. And then when she told her the reason why she wanted to follow him and asked again if she could, he did not said yes, but he didn't say no either. He just started to walk away BUT lingering a bit, like he wanted to know if she would actually follow him, probably a part of him wanting (very much) that she would. Because why would she (or anyone) walk with him again? After all, he thought (or tried to convince himself) that she was intelligent enough to take care of herself, she didn't need his help to survive so why would she want to be with him? But then A-Qing follows him and after a while he accepts she's there to stay and automatically considers her his family. He's naturally protective towards her ("you sprained your foot, do you need me to carry you?"). They arrive in Yi City and he refers to "us" (A-Qing and XXC). But then he assumes no one (the stranger they found) would want to live with them (not just because Yi City looks like a depressing place to live but because of his deeply rooted believing that he does not deserve friendship or even company).

As soon as they arrive in Yi City he assumes A-Qing and him are staying there. No more roaming the world, that's not really important now, although he keeps going on night-hunting frequently. In the mountain he had a home and a family. After coming down he had a purpose and a friend who was also an anchor, similar to what home and family meant to him. When he lost that, it was difficult to live only on purpose. As I said, he kept roaming the world out of habit, because he hadn't known any other way. But meeting A-Qing and arriving in Yi City to nurse a "stranger" back to health was an opportunity to meet and fulfill his longing for home and family. He still could be faithful to his purpose by night-hunting and doing good deeds. He could have both purpose and a place to come back to, where people he loved would be waiting for him. He had a new anchor for him to keep going.

Furthermore, the "stranger" chooses to stay. XXC didn't ask for his name or background in the first place because he thought the man would eventually leave. But he doesn't. And XXC doesn't ask now. Why? Perhaps out of habit, perhaps because he actually doesn't want to know, or doesn't want to be conditioned by a name or probably because he feels he has not the right to ask (as he believes he has not the right to ask for gratefulness, kindness, company, friendship). He gives but does not expect something in return because he believes he is not deserving of that (even if he doesn't acknowledge it right back).

He doesn't want to force anyone to be with him. But the stranger stays. He goes night-hunting with XXC as he is a cultivator too, helps them with the chores, makes him laugh his guts out. He tells him what the sky or the mountains look like when the sun sets over them and how the surrounding fields change their colors over the seasons. The stranger becomes family too. And XXC doesn't question any of it. He is content with this life, even if it is a lie, it doesn't matter, he probably never thought about it, he didn't bother to. After a while he accepts the stranger is staying (as he did with A-Qing) and he is somewhat relieved. He doesn't bother to imagine the day this domestic bliss will end.

And eventually SL finds him.