#Probably because I haven't slept well in almost 2 weeks

[toucansafari]

Oughuhhh

[openworldadventurer]

I'm really sorry if this is rude or something, it's really not intended to be, but do you have any proof of your work at Bethesda? I'm writing something for school about how casual a lot of the abuse/mismanagment in the games industry is and want to include some of the things you've talked about in the past, but I can't seem to find anything that actually validates your accounts. Even just an article from a credible source in which your mentioned or smth would be fine, genuinely.

Sorry again if this rude, thank you in advance if you decide to respons!

That's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, so no offense taken.

But first things first: there are larger and more egregious abuses out there with much more proof than some tales from the trenches on Tumblr. I recommend Jason Schreier's Press Reset (not just because I was interviewed for it about two separate studio closures, Big Huge Games and 2K Marin), but there's no shortage of good reporting on a variety of abuses. (And as for "mismanagement", I wouldn't call any of the cut stuff from Skyrim a sign of mismanagement at all -- that's just what happens in any big open-world game. Every developer plans about twice as much stuff for a game as actually sees the final version -- there are always cuts when we see what we'll have the time and devpower to achieve.)

So please, don't quote "some guy on Tumblr said his name was struck from the game" for your school article -- it'll look like gossip reporting, and it won't even be very exciting. There's real horrors out there with solid sourcing that you can draw from, instead. As for my own credentials: I'm listed in the credits for Fallout 3 as "Fred Zeleny" (you can see me listed in this video of the credits at 2:51), and the various Fallout fan wikis have archives of my "Inside the Vault" internal blog interview I did while working on it.

As I've said elsewhere, I'm not listed in the credits for Skyrim, because they stripped my name along with a few other developers for going to work at different game studios before the project was done. I'm not sure what I can do to offer proof that I was there for that time period, short of sharing my design notebooks or pictures from the company parties, all of which might well be legally-actionable breaches of my NDA. I suppose I could point out which characters are named after friends of mine, but that wouldn't prove much if you don't know them. (Although it's a sweet story: they had just married at the time, and I added them as a little surprise wedding gift. Now their two kids play Skyrim on the Switch and are delighted to see their parents immortalized in Darkwater Crossing.) Now, that sort of professional erasure might not fly nowadays (particularly with a union there!), but that was 15 years ago. And sure, that was frustrating back when I was a young dev. But in the decade and a half since, it's never been a professional impediment, because everyone else in the industry knows that sort of pettiness was/is done all the time. And it doesn't hold a candle to some of the real abuses and horrors I've seen in the industry since leaving Bethesda.

So... yeah. I am who I say I am, but I really hope I haven't given the impression that Bethesda is a uniquely bad place in the game industry. If anything, it was fine in hindsight, albeit a little frustrating how things ended. But I tell tales of what almost happened in those games because those are the games people are familiar with, and because those tales are amusing rather than just horrifying.

Trust me, "here's a funny thing I almost did with Sheogorath!" or "the Bard's College quest was almost way more complex!" are much more enjoyable stories from game development than the real horrors I've seen. You probably wouldn't enjoy reading "that season I slept in the office multiple nights a week to meet deadlines and then the parent company failed to make payroll and laid us all off with no severance and we all cried and my coworker wrote a sad note to the movers who came to take everything away", or "the guy who made us completely retool our game to be more mainstream just stepped down after being arrested for a longstanding pattern of sexual harassment and abuse of employees." Trust me, those are real bummers. So it'd probably be better for your article if you focus on the sort of actual abuse and mismanagement I've shared links for here, rather than the minor stuff from my posts.

Gotta keep a proper perspective, y'know?

[bones4thecats]

It is currently 3:54 in the morning where I'm at and I haven't slept one bit.

I have literally been sitting in my bed for over 5 hours reading a bunch of fanfic, listening to music, and watching maybe to much youtube. I need to set up a medical appointment soon, suspecting I have a hormonal issue that is making my 'times of the week' a lot more difficult to bear. By that, I mean by I don't get them for almost 1/2 of a year, and when they return they are a son of a fucking bitch to handle. Basically, cramps have kept me up and I just wanted something to do out of sheer boredom.

Anyways, I have a surprise coming out here soon. It's about requests and my fandoms. So, stay tuned. Y'know what screw it I'll just announce it now.

(I'm literally pouring what I'm thinking onto my keyboard and on this post so bear with the confusion and small rant plz)

Now to the surprise. I am possible

Hint the word

POSSIBLY

adding two previous fandoms back onto this list. While the names are not going to be revealed yet, I will make the post tags lists and the characters as well and have the announcement with their names come out right before posting them.

Also, I am posting a couple things from my Upcoming Pieces List because I have been needing to get that thing trimmed down for a while but have been busy with having requests come through first.

Okay I'm gonna make this quicker because my pelvic area feels like it wants me to suffer the physical amount of pain that I felt after watching Optimus die in the og series' movie.

These parts'll come out here soon and I will end up releasing a monthly schedule that shows days I plan on having requests open and I'll probably have vacation days on there as well. P.S: be aware that I may be posting random shit about 'The Dark Crystal'

Idk why but I watched a video made by TheOdd1sOut and have practically fallen head-over-heals for the movie. I literally saw the puppets and went 'childhood nostalgia: unlocked'. You guys should also go check out TheOdd1sOut, the guy is a boss when it comes to making entertaining content for somebody like me to watch. I watched like 3 minutes of his review of 'The Dark Crystal' movie from 1982 and went;

Just a heads up! Now, enjoy the rest of your morning/nights. Idk where y'all live so pick one ig... I need some goddamn sleep... if anyone has a solution to a comfortable sleeping position when on your period please leave a comment for me to see because I NEED THE REST. MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS SHITTING BUT THIS IS WORSE THAN NORMAL.

Or if you have another over the counter medication name that helps with periods (other than Midol, I need to get more soon)

Thanks y'all for listening to me half-awake and painfully-not-thought-through announcement!! Love you guys to bits!!!

Btw here's a link to TheOdd1sOut in case you do wanna check his videos out;

[aster-is-confused]

google isn't being very helpful so hopefully disability tumblr can give some advice. what are the symptom differences in POTS vs. iron deficiency anemia vs. low blood sugar vs. low blood pressure vs. severe dehydration? i know that's a lot, but if you could just speak to the ones you know more about, i would appreciate it a lot. i'm trying to look into what could be causing my severe lightheadedness/presyncope when standing up, which has been going on for several years. details about my situation and symptoms below the cut

for about 2 and a half years now, i've been dealing with lightheadedness, loss of balance, seeing spots/vision blackout, and several times falling over and very nearly fainting. all of this happens almost exclusively when i stand up from sitting. it's not always super bad, sometimes it's just a bit of lightheadedness or tittinus and then i'm fine. it worsens significantly when i haven't eaten, drank, and/or slept much recently. when it started i figured it was my eating disorder causing low blood sugar (probably true), major lack of sleep contributing to the dizziness (also probably true), and severe dehydration too because at some point I started trying to exacerbate the symptoms as a cry for help (it was a rough year). but since then i've recovered and still have a lot of the same symptoms.

last year i asked my doctor and she just said i'm dehydrated, which i know is true, but it feels like more than just dehydration going on. today i finally decided to look into it further after all morning and afternoon my limbs were tingly while sitting down, my legs were very weak going down stairs, i felt kind of "static-y" all over for a few minutes after standing up (similar to the tingling in my limbs but everywhere), and i would get tittinus (ringing and muffled hearing) for like 60 seconds after standing up. things that probably made today worse than normal are that my eating, drinking, and sleeping habits have been not great recently because of exam season, and i did spend the vast majority of the day sitting (AP exam in the morning, homework in the afternoon).

i haven't yet tried the POTS 10 minute stand test, but i plan to tonight, but i know in the past i've had an oddly high heart rate and heavy breathing during very mild activity like getting up and walking across the house (i've always attributed the breathing to my asthma, but honestly it doesn't make much sense for something as simple as walking), as well as mild tremors and muscle weakness on bad days, and pretty regular brain fog and sometimes fatigue (i've usually just attributed both of those to adhd and depression). i've never had blood pressure issues that i know of, so i think plain old hypotension isn't likely. low blood sugar makes sense when i haven't eaten much, but i still have the symptoms (to a lesser extent) when I'm eating well. iron deficiency doesn't seem unlikely, although i had some bloodwork done for other reasons about 1.5 years ago (well after symptoms started) and i wasn't told that anything was abnormal. i've been pretty chronically dehydrated my whole life (urine charts put me at medium-severe dehydration depending on the day), but honestly i don't want to believe that it's just that. i have a doctor's appointment (yearly checkup) in about a week, and i'd like to be able to narrow it down somewhat and talk to my parents about it more before then so i can discuss it at the appointment.

any advice would be appreciated, and i'll probably edit the post once i've done the 10 minute stand test

UPDATE: 10 minute stand test results were definitely not normal, my resting rate after laying down still for a while was 75, then it hovered at 130-140 for the whole 10 minute standing period. evidence is currently leaning strongly towards POTS so i'll make sure to discuss it with my parents and doctor

[ratralsis]

Sorry I still haven't written anything that I promised a couple of weeks ago. I'm still working on the ol' novel, and the thousands of words I spent writing about Tina after her death might count for something. I dunno.

If I can manage to get my sleep schedule back to something resembling its previous normal soon, and get a little further ahead of schedule on my progress on the novel, I'll try to write what I hoped to write earlier for this blog.

Tina used to be pretty demanding that I go to bed before 10 PM. I actually had a decent handle on it for a while. I'm gradually getting my bedtime slightly earlier again now, but after she died, I was definitely up pretty late for a few days because I wasn't looking forward to going to bed without her. Which I realize is absurd, but it's still the truth.

If you missed the earlier posts on the subject, Tina was my cat. She wasn't, like, a human lady I lived with who dragged me to bed every night and slept next to me. She was a small cat who demanded I go to bed every night and then came and went several times throughout the night but almost always was there when I first fell asleep. Now she's not, because she's dead, and I let the vet who came to my house to euthanize her take her away for cremation and to scatter her ashes. I do still have Max, but he has never been good at sleeping next to me at night and, at fourteen years old, I don't think he's likely to learn now. He might, though! He's also never been the only cat in the house before. He and I are both still getting used to that.

I spent the last few months playing Xenoblade Chronicles 3 on my Switch off and on. Much like I did with Pokemon Legends: Arceus, I finished the game and then figured out a way to grind for resources without actually needing to play the game, which inflated my playtime by over 100 hours, but I still put over 200 into the game. That includes all the DLC. I liked the gameplay, though I honestly never really connected with the characters that much. I don't have a specific reason why not. I just didn't like them or care about them nearly as much as I did even in Xenoblade Chronicles 2. But the game itself was fun, and I really did enjoy the postgame Archsage Challenges and learning how to build party compositions that could tackle the hardest challenges. It took me a lot of tries to finish the 140th stage of the Gauntlet on Hard mode, but I did it, and then I did it again, and then I bought everything I wanted from the store where you use the currency you earn in those challenges and I realized I was done playing the game.

Since I did back it all the way back in 2020, I've decided to try playing Eiyuden Chronicle. I started it yesterday. So far, I don't like it much, but I said the same about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 when I first started it, too. But Eiyuden Chronicle has two big things working against it: I hate the way it looks, and it has really bad performance issues on Switch. Neither is a surprise.

I've always, always, always hated the way it looks when 2D sprites are in a 3D environment. That was true from Xenogears back on PS1 up to Octopath Traveler. I just think it looks jarring and bad. The camera moves slightly and the background moves and the character sprites can't and it just looks dumb to me. I can't get past it. I'm not at all looking forward to the HD-2D remake of Dragon Quest III (and possibly the first two games, as well), but I'll probably get it, because I love Dragon Quest III enough to have played nearly every version of it already, even the untranslated Japanese Super Famicom version. My Japanese is probably at the level of a 9-year-old native speaker, but believe me when I tell you that that's good enough to play Dragon Quest III, because I did it.

It's also good enough to tell you that the localization for Eiyuden Chronicle takes some pretty serious liberties in its translation of the Japanese dialogue into English, but I honestly don't mind that part. I think it goes a good job of turning the subtext from the Japanese dialogue that would be understood from context and tone and turns it into text that an English reader can understand, which is the most important thing. Anybody who complains about the localization would be better off spending that energy studying Japanese themselves.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. Point is, I'm still around. I'm feeling better than I was a week ago. I'm still writing, just not here, and I'm holding down my job and doing everything I need to do and playing video games on the side and so on.

[timeoverload]

The past 2 days have been pretty rough. I'm having a hard time keeping up. I wish I didn't have so much to do. I got to work 20 minutes early yesterday and was there until 6 last night. I was moving slow this morning so I barely made it on time. I hate having to rush because it's hard for me to do that. I had to stay 20 minutes late tonight because of an add-on and then it took me 10 minutes just to change my clothes because I am sore. I had to shuffle to the car and it's embarrassing crossing the street because people are sitting in their cars staring at me.

I've been trying not to take my muscle relaxers but I had to take one this afternoon. It's not doing much for me at this point and I feel like I need to take more but I know I shouldn't. I'm glad it isn't an opioid and it's not as addictive but I wish I didn't feel like I needed to take one to get through the day. I am going to avoid taking them tomorrow because I would like to have a beer after work since I haven't had one in a long time and it sounds nice.

The back of my leg feels like it's on fire. When I got my injection last week, the doctor must have put pressure on one of my nerves because I felt a shock down my leg and it was scary. I remember that I sort of experienced that last time I got an injection but this time was a lot more intense. I think that my pain has gotten worse since last week.

I finally found my cane last night while I was looking for batteries so that's nice. I wish it didn't take me so long to find things but my bedroom has become a black hole basically. It is getting ridiculous.

I am too worn out to do anything. I still haven't gone to the store. I am probably going to have to wait until Friday to do that. I haven't gone to pick up my glasses either so I need to try to do that on Friday too. I really don't want to go back there and it's giving me anxiety.

It didn't really feel like valentines day. I am trying not to be sad about it but I will be ok. I think I have been overly sensitive and emotional this week. I am just going to blame my hormones for that.

I think I need to try to relax while I can. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I think I am just going to wear my pajamas to work in the morning because it takes me too long to change my clothes otherwise. I know I'm going to need to give myself some extra time to get to work anyway. I know I will have at least 32 cases tomorrow. The fastest doctor has 19 cases in the morning and he will have 2 rooms so that's going to be fun.

I really hope someone can cover my breakfast and lunch. I also hope the food is better tomorrow. They had chicken strips at lunch and they were chewy and hard to eat. I also spent almost $8 on 4 of them and they aren't that big. I am so hungry now because I didn't eat enough earlier so I will probably go make food soon.

I already know I'm going to have to go to bed early. I haven't slept well the past few nights because I have had some very vivid and violent nightmares. A lot of them have been about work. It would be great if I could have some good dreams tonight. I should probably go eat now and get ready for bed. I hope I can make tomorrow a good day even if it's stressful.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow!!! Happy valentines day!!! 💖💖💖

[margotw10]

Crashing on Crush. JJK (m)

Pairing : crush!Jungkook x Female Reader

Synopsis : After your make-out session with Jungkook, you haven't hear of him for days, until he visits you at work.

Words : 4.4k

Warnings : explicit language; alcohol consumption ; cursing ; lap ridding ; oral sex (f. receiving) ; handjob

A/n : Hi! Welcome back for the third part (so pls read the previous ones) :) Don't hesitate to comment. We are going for some spice here 🌶 Please keep in mind that English is not my first language. Once again, thanks to my friend Mathilde who fixed a lot of grammar mistakes <3

Ch. 1. --- Ch. 2 --- Ch. 3 --- Ch. 4---- Ch. 5---- Ch. 6---- Ch. 7---- Ch. 8---- Ch. 9----

God must have heard your silenced prayers because a cup of coffee is floating in front of your face. You look up and meet Namjoon’s soft brown eyes. You take the life-saving beverage and appreciate the delicious taste.

"Oh God, you don’t know how much I needed it! Thank you Namjoon"

"No offense but you did look like you needed it" he jokes

You sigh, knowing that he’s probably right. It’s been eight days since you and Jungkook kissed. Eight fucking days and you haven’t heard from him. No text, no call. Nothing. If work - which is so interesting and gratifying - keeps your mind busy at day, alone in your apartment at night you have no distraction. You just think over and over again, replaying the night in your head to spot what you’ve missed and could explain why he hasn't contacted you. So, yeah, you haven’t slept very well the past week. 

"Uhm, Y/N" Namjoon seems embarrassed, he clears his throat to pull himself together. "I was thinking, uhm, if you are free tonight, we could have dinner"

His red cheeks are so cute, your heart melts. Namjoon has been nothing but kind and sweet towards you. And it’s not the first time you think ‘I wish he were my crush, so I wouldn’t be stressed about radio-silence Jungkook’. But you know damn well that your mind and your heart are full of a man with lip piercing and tattooed arm… However, you can’t wait forever for Jungkook to pay attention to you - or can you? 

This dinner will be a great opportunity to think about something else and to get to know Namjoon better. 

"Sure!"

The blond man sighs in relief, his heart pounding in his chest. 

"Great, uhm, let’s meet after your shift at the entrance door"

You nod and watch him leave, not without almost hitting a large plant pot which makes you laugh. Cute. 

At seven pm, you exit the gallery to wait for Namjoon in front of the building. However, you certainly didn’t think you would meet this person. You halt your movement by astonishment. Jungkook is here. Right in front of you. And you have mixed feelings about that. Obviously, you are very happy to see him because, in fact, you missed him. But you are also angry with him for being quiet during a whole week… You have no idea what he is doing here. Well, you know is probably here to talk to you but to say what? That he doesn’t want to see you again? That he wants to kiss you again? So you stay silent, waiting for him to speak. And he does:

"Hi, Y/N"

"Hi"

You wait but he doesn’t say anything. 

"What are you doing here?" You ask after few seconds of unbearable stillness that is the exact opposite of your harsh heartbeats. 

"I wanted to invite you to dinner"

What the fuck? You can’t help a disdained laugh. You have been waiting eight fucking days and he just shows up at your work like nothing happened! You are so mad right now but why does you heart soften at the thought he wants to spend some time with you? 

"I already have something set up for tonight" Your voice is harsher than you want and you kind of feel bad when you see the disappointment in Jungkook’s eyes. 

He bits his bottom lip and this simple act reminds you of how good his lips feels… You shake your head to not think about it.

"I wanted to call you but I didn’t have time" Jungkook says lowly

"Yeah, sure" You reply, annoyed 

"Actually, I spent the week at my parents for my grandpa’s funeral" His voice is not filled with reproach but with a will of explanation. 

You gaps and immediately feel horrible to have treated him so coldly. Your eyes soften and you put a hand on his shoulder to confort him.

"Oh my god, I’m so sorry Jungkook, I didn’t know. Are you okay?"

"He has been sick for a while so we were prepared, but it was hard for my mum. I’m sorry, I should have at least sent you a text"

You can see in his doe eyes and hear in his voice the guilt. You shake your head.

"No, you don’t have to apologize, I totally understand. You needed to focus on your family. Please don’t feel bad"

You want to hug him so bad when you see the sadness on his face. You don’t really know what to say or what to do to erase his pain but when Jungkook looks into your eyes, he knows how you wish to console him and his heavy heart feels lighter. So many words are running through his mind, so many things he would like to  say to you. Like the fact that he has been thinking about you the past few days, that he has wished you were there with him to hug him, that he has been fucking missing you each fucking minute. 

You open your mouth to say something but you are cut off by Namjoon joining you.

"Are you ready to go?" He asks you cheerfully

You are aware of the sudden tension between the two men. Jungkook’s jaw clenches and his eyes narrow. ‘Him again’, he thinks. He wonders if the guy is now your boyfriend, if he has kissed you while he was gone, which makes him regret even more to not have contacted you. Now he is pissed off because at first, he thought that you having plans was a lie to not see him but it’s way worse that you actually have plans. With another man. A man you have seen all week. 

"I-Namjoon and I are going to eat" you start, embarrassed, blushing hard before turning towards your colleague "if it’s okay with you, Jungkook could join us?" You try

Well, that was not what Namjoon had in mind. But what could he say now? No? He cannot refuse so he swallows the sword in his throat and he answers a no-so-conceiving ‘sure’. And the three of you head to the Korean barbecue restaurant. 

———

Saying that there is tension in the air is an understatement. The meat grilling is quite the only sound coming from your table. Seeing the two men side by side, you realize they couldn’t be more different. Namjoon, wearing a white shirt and light grey slacks, is a very sweet boy, and very cute with his dimples. His glasses makes him look smarter - even though he is the smartest person you’ve ever met - and professional. Definitely the type every parents would love to have as son-in-law. On the other hand, Jungkook is the opposite, the perfect example of what a 'bad boy look’ is. He is not a bad boy in fact because you can see the kindness in his so pretty eyes but he is surely intimidating. He always wears dark and baggy cloths. His piercing and his tattoos enhance his B boy vibes, but they also make him so fucking hot. 

Jungkook and Namjoon haven’t talked and you feel ill at ease, waddling on your seat. You clear your throat to save the night:

"Let’s cheer"

You smile and pull up your glass in the most cheerful way possible, hoping that it will give rise to a better mood. But it doesn’t. The two men click their glass but they still don’t speak. You sigh in disappointment…

"So, Jungkook, right?" Finally says Namjoon "What do you do for living?"

You send a grateful gaze at your colleague. 

"I’m a graphic designer" Jungkook answers politely but a little bit coldly, not sharing any more details. "What about you? What do you do exactly?"

"I’m the owner’s assistant. I help him to supervise everything: the exhibitions, the contacts with the artists, the communication, the staff. I’m also in charge of training new recruits, that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time with Y/N these days"

Jungkook grins, he knows damn well that this Namjoon guy wanted to snap at him. He sips on his beer, fantasying how satisfying it would be to kiss you again, like the last time, in front of Namjoon. He really has to behave to not put his hand on your thigh. It’s even harder when you are so pretty in your pink a-line dress with small puff sleeves. 

"Hey, Y/N, we could have a last drink at Danbam, what do you think?" Jungkook asks suddenly 

You choke on your spit, blushing hard. Last time you were in this bar was for your make-out session with Jungkook. And the little sparkle of cockiness in his eyes proves you he meant to tease. 

"I, uhm, I don’t think I want to drink more than this tonight" you say cautiously

Namjoon grabs his chopsticks to gather some beef and puts it on your plate. The kind gesture makes you smile. At the same time, it makes Jungkook even more irritated. Yet, luck is on his side because a couple of minutes later, Namjoon receives a call: his boss requires him immediately. He wanted to spend time with you, get to know you because since your first day, he has found you so sweet and beautiful and smart and passionate. Since your first day, he has had a crush on you that only kept growing day by day. With a huge regret, he tells you goodbye and leaves you with Jungkook. 

"So, do you go out with him a lot?"

Jungkook couldn’t help but asking you. He feels so jealous, he doesn’t even recognize himself. What are you doing to him?

"No, actually it was the first time"

"Good"

You turn your head to Jungkook with an abrupt movement. Your mouth is opened by surprise, questioning him silently about the meaning. 

"I want to kiss you again" Jungkook says simply

His words provoke a whole ardent fire in your body. You want it too. So fucking much. You miss his lips, his hands on you. You miss feeling him on your skin - kissing him one time isn’t enough. You want to do it again. You want more. 

"Do it" you manage to whisper

It’s enough for Jungkook to blend your lips together. The kiss is stronger, rawer than the last one. He is hungry and maybe a little angry. When the little moans he loves so much return to life, he smirks. He wants to kiss you like Namjoon nor any other men can. And he does. There is no word to describe how much you love his mouth. You wish the moment could last forever, you never want to be lips apart. But humans are not perfect and they do need to breath so you distance your face just enough to catch your breathe. 

"Do you want me to take you home?" Jungkook asks

You know it’s not just a ride home. It’s an implicit question: do you want more? Fuck yeah. 

You nod and Jungkook smiles. He looks happy and relieved. He leaves a soft kiss on your inflamed lips and grabs your hand. 

———

You mostly stay silent in the car. It’s not a weird or uncomfortable silence but just a calm silence, full of promise for what will happen next. You can’t deny that your heart beats loudly and your hands are a little shaky. Jungkook remarks and intertwines yours fingers, saying with no words that everything is fine and you don’t have to be stressed. But how can you not when you will spend the night with your crush? Your - two now - kisses proved you that you have feelings for him. Strong feelings. 

After you opened your door and took off your shoes, Jungkook and you stay, once again, in silence. You are looking everywhere except at him, feeling so nervous. It has been more than one year since you last had sex, and all the times you had before were with your boyfriends. However, Jungkook is not your boyfriend, your relationship is… undetermined. You also wonder if he finds you attractive enough, and if you will be good enough in bed. All these thoughts make your hands sweaty. 

But Jungkook gets closer and cups your red cheeks with his big and warm hands, making you look into his black doe eyes. They are so soft, so shiny - just like the billions of stars in the sky at night. They are so beautiful. Everything in Jungkook is beautiful. 

"Hey, we don’t have to do anything" he says gently "We can have sex, or not. We can do other things than having sex. Or we can just talk. Don’t pressure yourself"

Your heart melts at his consideration. He is so nice, so sweet that you are falling in lo… No! No, it’s too soon, you don’t know much about him even after hours spent on his Instagram. It’s just your arousal speaking, it messes up with your brain. 

You take the time to look at Jungkook and you can’t help but imagining what’s underneath his black bomber jacket. You remember this one pic from Instagram of him at the beach, shirtless. His ‘I know I make your panties wet’ look has never been more accurate. Even right now, you are feeling horny. 

He leans down and kisses you. At first, gently but the kiss is getting rougher. You instantly feel your pussy clench and moan at its emptiness. Your hands running through Jungkook’s hair pull him closer and invite him to kiss you deeper if it’s even possible. His own hands move all over your body: your hair, your neck, your back, your waist and your ass. He squeezes the latter and a small groan from you tells him you love it. Actually, you love every single of his touch on your body. 

Your hands are struggling to take off his jacket but manage to do it. You want to feel closer, better. Without this barrier, you can appreciate his hard muscles. Gosh, it feels so good under your fingertips. 

Jungkook leads you to your couch and puts you on his lap without breaking the kiss for a second. You are completely high on his touch, you can’t think straight - not that you really care. Between your legs, you can feel his hard cock pressing on your covered and wet pussy. A moan of pure delight escapes your mouth and you press down to enhance the touch. You slowly begin to move your hips back and forth to release some of the urge of friction. Jungkook grabs your ass to control your move and you love it. You love how he uses your body to please himself. 

But it’s not enough. You need to feel his skin. You don’t know if you said it or if Jungkook can read in your mind but he halts the kiss for just a couple of seconds in order to take off your dress. His intense eyes discover your matching white bra and panties, so pure, so innocent. It makes him crazy because the horniness visible on your face is far from innocent. He leans down and places his head between your boobs, kissing your skin. Your body is on fire. Your head rolls back - which makes your moans huskier - and you pull on his black hair by pleasure and he smirks. 

You are so hot, so beautiful, he doesn’t want any other men to touch you. He wants to mark you to make you his but he also knows that a huge hickey on your neck will not be great for your career. So he decides to put his mark somewhere only him can see. You feel his mouth sucking on the skin of your left breast, close to your heart. It hurts a little but it’s a delightful hurt. Jungkook takes the time to admire his art piece - he has never created something so beautiful. The red, purplish mark is shiny because of his saliva and it looks so good on your soft skin. 

"You’re so fucking hot" he says with a raspy and so sexy voice

He suddenly changes position to lie you down underneath him and kisses you again. You take the hem of his black and large t-shirt to indicate you want it to disappear. One second later your wish is fulfilled. What a beautiful view. His chest is buff, his abs are well drawn, his arms are strong and his shoulders are large. Your hands brush his warm skin and you feel his muscles flexing under your touch. His body is so perfect. You’ll never be bored of looking at it. 

However, your eyes spontaneously shut when Jungkook’s hand reaches your groin. His fingers find your clit in a second and start circle it through your panties.

"Oh my god!" You moan in his neck

It’s so good. So fucking good. It’s like you’ve never have been touched before. Your moans are louder as his fingers get faster. At this point, your panties are soaked by your juices - it could be kind of an unpleasant sensation if you could think. 

"You’re so wet" Jungkook teases you while he kisses your neck

You are feeling your orgasm slowly building up in you but the emptiness in your pussy is torture. You need something to fix that. 

"Please" 

It’s the only thing you manage to say with a choked voice.

"Please what?" Jungkook smirks

He knows damn well that you can’t concentrate enough to speak properly and he is filled with pride that the reason is himself. Seeing how you are going crazy under his touch is so fucking satisfying. The most important, the only mission in his life right now is to make you cum. He leaves your neck to kiss your body all the way down until he reaches your wet pussy. 

"I think we should take this off" he says while trapping the fabric of your panties with his forefinger

He looks up at you to have your approval.

"Yes, please" you moan, looking away with embarrassment of Jungkook being so close to your intimacy. 

What you don’t know is that your shaky ‘please’ turned him on so fucking bad. He loves having control during sex, even being a little dominant. Fulfilling his desires without even knowing it makes him want to please you even more. So he slides your soaked panties down your legs and opens your thighs. The sight is breathtaking: your cunt is glistening with your arousal. He wants to taste you, you make him hungry. He gently rubs two fingers from your clit to your entrance before diving onto your pussy with his mouth. 

He gives a single kiss on your clit at first and the feeling is so fucking good that you immediately grab his hair in a desperate need of holding on to something to not sink into this unbearable pleasure. Your fingers in his black strands give him the green light to go further. His tongue is now completely attached to your pussy. He is literally making out with it. He is so good with his mouth. Your clit is taken care of like it deserves. His tongue rolls around your bud, then takes a quick strip from your entrance to your clit and rolls again. It’s a perfect pattern and it makes you go crazy. The wetness created by his saliva and your own arousal is full of sins and pleasures. 

"Oh my god, Jungkook!" 

You feel your orgasm coming and your fist clenches as much as your pussy. Jungkook notices it and enters your pussy with his finger. This friction in your body is exactly what you needed. He pulls in and out at a pleasant pace with his digit. Your brain is foggy, you don’t even know where you are, you don’t even hear your own moans. All you can feel is him. 

"More, more!" Is all you can say

He adds another finger, sightly speeding up the back-and-forth’s pace, his tongue still playing with your clit. 

"You taste so fucking good, I could eat you all day"

His words reasoning on your pussy is too much to bare and you cum on his face and on his two fingers in you, screaming his name. The best fucking orgasm of your life. Your legs quiver when you reach your climax. But what did you expect from Jungkook? He was your best kiss, it’s only natural for him to make you cum like nobody had done it before. 

It takes you a few seconds to catch your breathe and to settle down back on Earth. Your cheeks, even red before, are blushing harder when you realize that you just let your crush eating you out. It takes you a lot of courage to look down to meet Jungkook’s face between your legs. You see his mouth and chin glistening with your juice. The view is sinful. But he defies even more the limits of hotness allowed when he puts his fingers into his mouth to taste more of your cum. You gasp at the indecent teasing. 

Jungkook goes up to your face and kisses you. You taste yourself on his mouth and you have to say that it’s hot. 

"Are you okay?" He asks you gently

His consideration is a dangerous weapon for your heart. Fortunately, you're still too much in the frog of pleasure to overthink it. 

"Yes. It-It was really good" you whisper, blushing. 

Jungkook’s pride is beyond clouds when he saw how strong was your orgasm because of him. He wants to be the one that makes you cum the most, the only one that makes you cum. Because you are so pretty, so hot when you reach your high, he wants to be the only one who witnesses it. He wants to fuck you so hard that you won’t ever be attracted to another man. His possessiveness is killing him. You are messing with his brain and you don’t even know it. You are crushing down all his boundaries. 

"I, uhm, I want to please you too" you say shyly

Jungkook is amused by your shyness when he just made you cum. But he is also touched that you care about his pleasure. He can’t deny that his cock is really hard and that he would love to release the tension in his body. But he doesn’t want you to feel obligated to return the favor. He didn’t touch you to have something in return, he did it because he wanted to see your cute face torn in pleasure, a pleasure provided by him. 

"You don’t have to, Y/N" he says with a small peck on your lips

He helps you sit correctly on your couch, and the leaking between your legs make you wince. But not as much as his answer. Doesn’t he want you to touch him? Does he think you won’t please him? You feel a dragger in your heart, and maybe in your pride also. Jungkook frowns when he notices your expression darkens. 

"It’s not that I don’t want to" he feels the need to tell you "Because, believe me, I want to. You make me fucking hard. But you don’t have to, you don’t have to feel obligated"

He cups your cheeks and you see the sincerity in his eyes. Rather than pushing you off, it makes you want to please him stronger. 

"I want to" you simply say

The determination in your voice startles him a little bit because a new wave of arousal rushes through him. 

"Okay" is the only thing he finds to say

You put your delicate hand on his stretched crotch, feeling him hard and big through the fabric of his pants. You can’t deny that it makes you horny. Jungkook’s body tenses, watching carefully your movements to detect any sign of displeasure and stop you in this case. But he only sees the way you blush and bit your bottom lip. So fucking cute, he thinks. He waits for you to express by your actions your want to get rid of his pants. He doesn’t want to rush you and let you be in control of the pace, even if it’s like a torture for him: he has been hard for a long time now. 

When you grab the hem of this pants, he gets the message and rises his hips to slide down his piece of clothing. The bulge of his black underwear shocks you a little bit: he is fucking big. Your reaction makes him cocky, he knows he’s big - a lot of women already told him that - but now he wants you to think that. He wants you to think about how his cock would fill your tight pussy. The thought of it makes his hard member twitch. 

You push down the hem of his underwear to free his length. Your mouth waters at the sight of  the perfect, velvety skin. He is hard, and thick. You wonder how would feel the stretch if he were in your pussy. You gently caresse his tip with your thumb and a drop of pre-cum escapes. You spread it on the tip, which makes it shiny and appetizing. You start jerking him off and a sigh of delight comes from Jungkook’s mouth.

"You’re doing great, babe"

The pet name makes your pussy clench and your heart beat faster. You also feel proud and more confident so you increase the speed, putting the right pressure. Jungkook’s breathing gets more and more rugged, you can tell that he likes it. He grabs firmly - but not too harshly to not hurt you - your hair and pull you closer. He kisses you ruthlessly, his tongue meets yours. You moan at his sudden ardent desire. And this is what he wanted: hearing your sweet whimpers while you jerking him off. Your hand on his cock and your mouth on his lips are a dangerous combination for his sanity. 

"You’re perfect, so fucking perfect" he says against your pretty mouth "Keep going, you gonna make me cum, babe"

Babe. 

Once again, it fills you with indescribable sensations - physical sensations and other sensations that you push away to not overthink. You keep sliding up and down your hand on Jungkook’s fat cock, your arm is beginning to hurt but you don’t stop. Making him feel good is so fucking satisfying. You being the reason of the orgasm of such an attractive, hot, handsome man messes up your bain - and your wet pussy. 

"I’m cumming" Jungkook says in a gasp

After a few more strokes, you feel a hot and thick liquid on your hand. Jungkook relaxes his grip in your hair and kisses your temple, with a shortness of breath. Then, he rests his forehead against yours for a moment, to recover a regular breathing. 

"It was perfect" he says with a soft smile. 

[puppylifejournal]

Two weeks before I move out from my parents for the first time.

It's currently 6:35AM for me. I haven't slept yet, and I have physical therapy in less than 6 hours now.

I likely would recover a lot quicker if I actually did my exercises outside of physical therapy sessions. I don't. I can't get myself to. I spend 30 dollars every session and have made slower progress than I could have. That thought hurts.

I won't be going to physical therapy once I move, and it'll save me around 135 dollars a month on average. If I cut it down to 2 sodas a day, I'll save around 150. If I eat out less, I'll save somewhere around 100 to 200. These will all be painfully difficult changes.

I'll need to cut myself off from something I like during a stressful time, I'll need to force myself to cook, I'll need to do exercises myself.

Even further, I'll need to do weightlifting, and even using the rowing machine I got and have used all of once. I feel useless and stupid, and I hope I can get myself to do all of that.

It's so impossible to predict any and all changes that could possibly and will happen to me after the move. I'll be alone for a month in a town I've been to all of once for less than two hours. I'd ask why I do this to myself but that would be a disingenuous question. I want to escape, and I want to do it now. I force things once the idea gets in my head, and this time I had the support and resources to force it through and actually have a decent shot at it going well.

I feel numb.

My stupid weird migraine issues keep happening, but maybe less so. It's a process of small good decisions often, which I suck at most of the time but have gotten better at recently due to Rosie.

I really love her and she has helped me in ways I won't understand fully for years if ever.

I've slept terribly for several days and now I'm eating the consequences. I must have played Minecraft for 8 hours today. I fucking hate myself sometimes. I might make a video out of it to justify this clearly avoidant behavior and it'll probably perform well, and that will probably reinforce that I can turn my stupid fucking immaturity into art forever and never need to grow so long as I can pretend I'm self reflecting.

I make slop disguised as proper art and when I make something good it does notably worse. My most popular video is the one that appeals to fucking nostalgia, and I bank on that constantly in my other videos too. I didn't change at all, I just make better dribble for the common denomenator to play on their second monitor to feel like they're being stimulated. Folding Ideas talked about everything I did 6 years before I did it. I can never catch up to the curve, I can just copy people I like and hide it as something original. And yet, despite my anxiety, I'll almost certainly be able to do this for years. I'll be stunted as a person and monetize it, even if I do grow I'll turn my old self into a static personality to use for profit since multiple parts of my true self don't appeal widely.

I want to make that Minecraft video as a punishment for anyone who watches me. I want them to be exposed to something so raw that they feel gross for engaging in it. I want them to feel like they're participating in my suffering. I don't even know why.

I've wasted another 17 minutes writing this. I'll get even less sleep. I need to call so many fucking people and places tomorrow. I might have to fill out stupid forms. It'll be slow and boring and I will sit there unable to do anything else. How stupid. How pointless.

If the test strips show as clear when I go to the apartment, I won't believe it. I know I won't. I didn't trust the pipes at the rental home. I didn't even remember that until recently because I push every little thing down. I disgust myself.

For this video I'm gonna write and talk like Folding Ideas because I watched hours of his stuff recently. That's what I do. The video will probably do well. What a fucking joke.

[sidekey-the-cynical]

I haven't been drawing much

I'd hope I would've done more than what I've done in the last few weeks, months, heck YEARS. I'm an artist by heart, but when it mattered most I choked. I was an animation and illustration student. Until I failed a mid program review;

Now I'm just second rate; BFA > BA

Well Alright Fine, people tell me not to be so pessimistic, especially while I disparage my art, but things just haven't felt same since then. It's been nearly 1 year and half by now. Can't Let go.

What do you even do as a "Design Studies" major focused in Animation and Illustration anyways— Half ass animation and half ass design at the same time?

I'd been meaning to post consistently on here and there; somewhere you know. Just to have something out there.

I might as well post some art if I'm gunna type for a while. I usually just sulk about art whenever I talk about art nowadays. I like art, I'm sure all artists who hate art do. We're burnt out? We're lazy? We're just jealous of other people's art?

I don't wanna blame adhd when I'm not even diagnosed, so {"everything I think makes me a terrible person"} it is—

I wish I could've kept up with myself during college, things could be so much better off if I had just tried harder and believed that I could do it. Just one step at a time. But I couldn't do it, the way it is simply is that my art is mid. OK FINE. I just can't make good art fast enough to compete.

My art being bad isn't why I am met with failure. My undiagnosed and unmedicated adhd isn't it either. I know exactly what my failure point is the more I look back..

I am insecure.

That is what's been stopping my hand. That's why it physically hurts to draw now. It's all in my head, that is why I am so stiff on the line art and so tense at the brush. Grant it, might be a product of the shame from adhd and previous failures. Might be the pressure to do well and compete with my peers. Might just be because I'm lazy, or maybe at my core I don't wanna do art as a job?

Doesn't that just sound so pathetic? "If you really were passionate, you wouldn't give up so easily would you?" Not that anyone has said that to me, directly.

Honestly I just thought it was cool to ignore all the quarantine mental health tips during covid times.

Yeah I probably should've exercised more and kept busy then, but I really just slept and watched anime all day and almost failed high school. I was simply too cool to be taking care of myself, so now I suck at being a good student cause honestly, I'm a bit too cool to start taking care of myself aren't I?

No one's perfect, might as well cut my losses and stop being so "cool". I got some work to do before I end up being more of a perma-burnt out failed artist.

God I hate that I know in like 5 years I'm gunna read this and hate my trying too hard to be self aware self. I can't believe it was worse when I was younger. And I'm probably not even that self aware anyways.

I wonder if I'm still good at art. All these example I posted are from about 2 years about when I was still in my old major. I couldn't do this daily for my sketchbooks cause I couldn't even do my sketchbook daily. Bad time management and all. Paralyzed by fear of failure, I couldn't finish work sometimes. It's embarrassing, I wanted to go into art, why couldn't I want it as strongly now that I have to do it for college?

I wonder if after so long now I'm a bit worse. Of course I doodle here and there, but I think I have to have gotten worse now that I'm out of practice. My new major uses all the fundamentals of my old majors, so now all I have left is history classes and not much practicing drawing or animating.

So that's why...

I'd hope I would've done more than what I've done in the last few weeks.

I had all the time, but I'm burnt out since for years now. I'm gunna try to fix this, trust me— Someone trust me, I can fix this right?

[gjenevarants]

Insomnia/Tears

2/26/24

Insomnia has been a bitch for the past few weeks. It's been at its worst this past week though. The least I've slept is probably four hours. The most I've slept is probably seven, but with that, I'm not falling asleep until four or five in the morning, meaning I'm waking up sometime between ten and eleven right before lunch. And that means I'm only eating twice a day.

Mostly I've been keeping myself distracted by reading when sleep escapes me, but I'm almost out of books. I think I have maybe two left now? Other times I've been writing, but as that is something I do during the day to pass the time, it doesn't do as much for me.

Tonight or today I guess it's three in the morning as I write this, I got in my head again. Mostly anger and loneliness rearing their heads. Maybe a bit of despair as well. I'm honestly tempted to take my meds again. They were only for anxiety and they didn't work all that well when it came to that, but at least while I was taking them I wasn't crying every other night.

Truthfully I'm writing this to try and keep myself distracted from the endless cycle of internalized self deprivation. At least with this, I can occupy myself with trying to keep track of typing and hitting the wright keys in the dark.

I have a to do list that I made in January. I started on it then when I came back from dad's and I haven't touched it since. I don't even know what's on it anymore. So I need to take care of all of that. I know doing my laundry is on there. I also need to talk to my parents and schedule my wisdom teeth removal. I should have had them taken care of years ago. Its at the point now where if their in for maybe... four more months I might have serious damage. I'm starting to feel weird jaw shit now too, so it definitely needs to happen as soon as possible, probably next month.

Another thing that needs to happen is my acquisition of a job. I don't know when my taxes are due for my car but I now it's some time within the next two-three months. I'm starting to stress about it. I need to set up an eBay account so I can sell some of my old action figures. Some of them are actually worth money even out of the box. I also need to finish up my mushroom hat project so that I can finish my earring project. I never should have started the mushroom hat without finishing the earrings but I got excited. The mushroom hat is a personal thing, but at least with the earrings I can make money.

I want to look into trying to get a savings account that my mom can't see. Both her and my dad have access to my bank account because they have passed money to each other through it before. I really want to remove mom's access but I have no idea how. She looks at it some times and asks me questions about it all nosy and judgmental like: "Did you get Starbucks again?" No. That shouldn't even be listed I literally bought that with a gift card. I think I'm scared she's going to seal from me? I've said it before but she is shit at managing money. I'm worried that once I get a job, she'll start skimming from my funds.

I already owe her money for the college classes I dropped out of. Who knows how much I'll have to contribute to rent. To taxes. I've been measuring my money in how much a week worth of personal groceries costs me. I've been forgetting about personal necessities because of that. Really, all of this scares me. At this rate everything scares me. So much for stopping tears. I'm crying again. I just woke up the cat from blowing my nose.

Speaking of the cat, I definitely have PTSD after Sabi. At the end of his life he had a mass in his gut as well as/caused by organ/intestine deterioration. His stomach would gurgle almost constantly. Hearing that with him was comforting because I knew it meant he was still alive. Nibi's stomach has been making gurgling noises too now. I think it only happens after she uses the litter box or eats. It freaks me the fuck out though because every time I hear it, I think there's something wrong and that she's going to end up in the same spot Sabi was in. My mom's cat is a whole other thing/mess. Ari's at the point where I think it's kinder to let her go, but mom doesn't listen. When she does it goes back to money.

Why does everything circle back to money? What dumbass came up with the brilliant idea of everything revolving around money. Who the fuck needs to revolve around the sun? We can use paper bills and tiny little coins that some random people somewhere will collect.

Nibi just came back from wherever she went. I'm going to keep an ear out for her tummy and hope for the best. Maybe I'll be able to get four to seven shitty hours of sleep now.

[esevik]

Chapter 2:9

Alright, so Fran starts out actually keeps Robbie's worries about Beth in mind and asks Sofie (the rich, selfish woman) about it. Sofie of course dismisses these accusations and distracts Fran with giving her an opportunity for bottom surgery. This works and it's now pretty much the only thing Fran can think about.

Beth and some others are gathered. They're told that they need to help with some kind of leakage but Beth realises it's a lie and fights back. She possibly kills one of the guards.

Indi injects Sofie with the desired embryo and well, now Sofie is about to become a "mom". Indi does her best to restrain herself from harming Sofie. This is partly due to her own survival but also to keep the others safe, though I wonder what she would do if she knew about what was going on with Beth and how she's mistreated.

So they learned that Robbie knows about the situation with Beth, probably from Fran when she asked Sofie about it. And they're about to execute him in some far off location when a bunch of new-men attacked them allowing him to escape. Right when Robbie thought he was about to die he thought of Fran and her genetalia which I guess proves that their relationship is all about sex. He didn't even imagine her smile or anything, just being between her legs. This also, to me, took away all the tension in the scene. It's a bit of a problem I have with this book. Almost every time it tries to build up tension it has to include sex or the characters being horny and suddenly the tension is gone.

It also feels like there a some scene missing somewhere. It's this case of telling instead of showing again. When Robbie tried to convince Fran that Sofie was about to sell Beth into slavery he reminded her to think "what would Sofie do?" which is what makes her uneasy before being distracted. My issue with this is that I don't know how much the characters know about Sofie. I, the reader, know that Sofie is horrible and human scum but what do Robbie and Fran know about her? Fran has had two scenes with her, one of which they slept together and the other was Fran asking about Beth. What shitty thing has Fran observed Sofie do that would make her uneasy? From what I've seen Fran seems to have a pretty good opinion on Sofie. Robbie on the other hand haven't had a single scene with Sofie if I'm remembering right. He does however have two scenes of him being uncomfortable/suspicious of the bunker as a whole. I know they've been at the bunker for weeks/months now and that they probably have an idea of how the place is run, but the lack of interactions between them and Sofie and her actions makes their distrust of her feel hollow. I don't know where their (justified) distrust comes from so it just ends up looking awfully convinient, as if it's just there because the plot demands it.

[bireggiemantle]

okay. this is my comprehensive list of riverdale characters ranked by who I'd most like to be in a failing marriage with. (the original list)

1. archie - our relationship has been going downhill for a while now, but neither of us want to acknowledge it. we still eat dinner together every night (even though he always burns the food 🙄) but it's silent and awkward. we've both almost cheated several times, but I don't think either of us will ever actually do it. the situation could be worse.

2. tabitha - I don't even know how we got together in the first place, but I don't think she ever really loved me. she's definitely fucking her employee on the side but I'm never gonna call her out for it bc having your wife leave you for jughead is like the most embarassing thing that could ever happen to you. sometimes we go weeks without speaking. it's fine though. I get free food out of it.

3. fangs - idk man. he seems like he'd be chill about it.

4. reggie - we've both been having an affair since the night of our wedding. he's called me by his side man's name multiple times, and I'm pretty sure he loves his car more than me. that leftover hiram money has been doing us well though.

5. toni - we are both so so so miserable but we can't get divorced because it might hurt the kids. we haven't slept in the same room in years though and I couldn't tell you a single thing about her anymore. it was good while it lasted.

8. betty - neither of us think our marriage is failing but we are also caught in an endless loop of trying to murder each other. last night I woke up to her trying to set me on fire in my sleep but it's okay because I cut her brakelines this morning.

6. jessica - yk that taylor swift lyric that goes "screaming crying perfect storm". yeah. we're like that.

7. veronica - she hates me so much it's not even funny. I'm never gonna divorce her though because of the financial benefits. I do think she's planning on killing me.

9. dilton - he moved into that doomsday bunker about a year after we got married and I haven't seen or heard from him since. sometimes he sends me care packages of guns and canned beans. at least he's not cheating.

10. donna - it's a lavender hate marriage. she's also shot me twice. I keep trying to get divorced but she refuses to sign the papers.

11. cheryl - this is also a lavender hate marriage. except she disappears for long periods of time and keeps whispering hexes into my ear at night, promising to damn me to hell upon my dying die. she also refuses to call me by my name.

12. josie - idk I just think we'd get divorced like normal people.

13. sweet pea - similar thing to josie. although it'd happen sooner because we'd have slightly better communication skills.

14. jughead - I dont think I could live with a man who never outgrew his middle school emo phase. I'd probably just think I'd kill him the first time we got into an argument over our movie tastes :/ sorry not sorry bestie.

15. kevin - I stopped watching glee for a reason.

[cryonme]

Love part one.

➵ Draco Malfoy x gn!reader

➵ summary: you’re in a toxic relationship, and Draco begins to catch on to your off behavior.

➵ word count- 1.5k+

➵ tw/content- 6th yr with no voldy, draco x slytherin!reader, abuse, toxic relationship, arguing, mild description of a panic attack, small mentions of not eating or sleeping, fainting, angst angst angsttttt, fluff if u squint, really bad writing :(

➵ y/n- your name

➵ y/l/n- your last name

➵ a/n- omg fun my first draco fic!! pls b kind !! I haven't written in over a year and I'm terribly rusty, I also haven't read the books or seen the movies in a while, so if I made a mistake pls KINDLY point it out to me. I need to brush up on my knowledge, unfortunately. also ya draco probably should have taken the reader to madam pomfrey but he didn’t bc sake of the storyline and all that. anyway, I really hope you all enjoy this. xx miz

-

It was no secret that Draco Malfoy was absolutely, head over heels in love with you.

Well, no secret to everyone but you.

The poor blond boy was teased relentlessly for being so soft with you, he couldn’t even glance in your direction in potions without earning a few snickers or playful elbow bumps from his classmates. It all started in your second year, when you had the guts to stand up to Draco for bullying you, which no one had ever really done before. He liked it, and decided to befriend you. You were extremely reluctant at first, but now you’re in your 6th year, and you and Malfoy were inseparable, and he was in love.

And you were completely oblivious. So oblivious in fact, that you began to date a 7th year Ravenclaw called Jack. He was tall, with dark hair and dark eyes, and had almost as many girls falling at his feet as Draco did. Except Jack had you, and that’s all the Slytherin Prince cared about.

The first few months of your relationship were perfect, and you were happier than anyone had ever seen you. You were showered with love and gifts and the largest of romantic gestures. But almost overnight that all changed, and Draco noticed.

-

“Merlin, (y/l/n), you look like you haven’t slept in weeks!” Pansy exclaimed across the table from you at breakfast, earning a harsh glare from Draco and an eye roll from you.

Pansy held her arms up in surrender from Draco’s harsh gaze, “I’m just saying! Would it kill her to get some rest for even a moment? She looks like a ghost!”

You dropped your fork on your nearly empty plate, not that you were going to eat much of the small amount of food that was on it anyway.

“I don’t know, Pansy. Maybe it would, I’ll try it out.” You spat and gathered your belongings, pushing yourself up from the table and stomping out of the dining hall. You didn’t know where you were going, but you had to get the hell away from the pity glances and remarks from the Slytherin table.

You began to walk faster when you heard Draco calling after you. You would recognize that boy’s voice anywhere. You loved the tall blond more than anyone else, but you knew he didn’t love you back, you believed everyone telling you otherwise was delusional. You were his best mate, you knew him better than anyone and vice versa. He would never come close to loving you in the way you loved him, which is why you said yes to a date with Jack, you thought he could make you forget all about the beautiful boy with grey eyes that you’d loved since year 2. And he did, at first. But lately your relationship with Jack just made you yearn for Draco even more. You wanted him to take you away from it, wrap you in his arms and keep you safe there, forever. But he wouldn’t, and you had learned to live with it because you're terrified of what your boyfriend would do if you mustered up the courage to leave him.

As you began to pick up the pace down the corridor to escape from Draco, you realized your mistake. You hadn’t eaten or slept properly in days, due to the current state of your relationship, and as you walked faster your head began to spin and short ragged breaths escaped your lips, and before you knew it your body was colliding with the cool, stone floors.

-

Most people describe waking up after fainting as confusion. Usually they don’t know where they are or how they got there.

When you woke up you immediately recognized the smell of Draco’s room, and you knew exactly why you were there.

You groaned and sat up, immediately clutching your hand to your head to try and soothe the aggressive pounding. Your groan earned the attention of Draco, who was reading a book in Zabini’s bed, since he had put you in his. He sighed and snapped his book shut, standing up to make his way across the room to you.

He grabbed the plate of food he had previously taken from the dining hall that he had put a heating spell over to keep it warm for you. He sat beside you on the bed with the plate in his lap and looked at you with pleading eyes. You nodded and allowed him to spoon feed you, you even suppressed a giggle at the image of Draco feeding you like a baby. Every bite was harder than the last, but you ate a good amount of food off of the plate, solely because of the desperate look in his eyes. Once you were done reality struck, and you realized your boyfriend was probably looking for you.

“Lay back down for me, please, love.” Draco said softly, resting his hands on your shoulders and gently pushing you back, but you refused.

“Jack is probably fuming, how long have I been out?” You asked frantically, pushing Draco’s hands off of your shoulders and standing up to gather your things. It wasn’t until then you noticed you were in Draco’s jumper and silk pajama bottoms. Your heart immediately started to race as you stared at the dark green material adorning your waist.

The bruises.

You felt tears prick at your eyes when you looked at Draco, who’s knowing grey eyes stared back at you.

“I didn’t dress you, Daphne did.”

Ok you thought, calming down the slightest bit. I’ll talk to her, she won’t say anything if I tell her I have it handled.

You nodded.

“But she told me.”

Your heart completely stopped this time, you could feel every inch of your body freeze, you don’t know why but your face felt tight and hot, and when you went to speak absolutely nothing came out of your mouth.

Draco’s lip was trembling and his eyes were looking at you with a mixture of anger and sadness, he clenched his jaw and looked away, towards the door.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He said calmly before kicking a book across the floor, which landed against the wall with a heavy thud. “I’m gonna kill the bloody bastard!” He raised his voice this time, his face was red and and his mouth was turned down in a scowl, you were surprised there wasn’t steam coming out of his ears.

Seeing Draco’s angry reaction struck a chord in you, immediately thinking he was going to take his anger out on you like Jack always did. When the book hit the wall you gasped sharply and walked backwards until you were in the corner of his room, chest heaving and tears racing down your cheeks that you tried to wipe away as fast as possible so he wouldn’t be cross with you for crying.

“I’m sorry.” You whimpered, hanging your head to avoid eye contact.

Draco’s head snapped in your direction when he heard your broken voice and his demeanor changed immediately. You were cowered in the corner, looking down at your feet with your arms wrapped around yourself, shoulders shaking slightly, repeating apologies as if you were a broken record. It didn’t take long for Draco to connect the pieces, he had reminded you of Jack. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was the cause of your hurt. The bruises, plus the not sleeping and eating, the jumpiness, the staring off into space, you weren’t hiding it well.

And he had scared you. 

“Oh no, (y/n).” He walked to you slowly, “Oh, love, I’m so sorry.”

You were the only person he ever called that.

He didn’t touch you at first, just whispered apologies, scared to raise his voice and scare you any further. He took another step closer to you, and when you didn’t react he took another, and finally he had his hands on either side of your head, pressing a firm but gentle kiss to your hair.

“Is this alright?” He whispered and you fell into him, he immediately wrapped his arms around you and began to whisper soothing words in your ear.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You’re safe.”

“I’m right here, love.”

“I’m not gonna hurt you.”

He stood there holding you for what felt like hours before you pulled away and apologized again, pushing past him to grab your things once more.

“(Y/n), you should really lay back down.”

“I have to go see Jack.”

Draco was completely taken back, his eyes wide and mouth agape. “You mean you’re not leaving him?”

You shook your head no and Draco scoffed.

“Are you mad?” He asked, trying his best to keep his anger under control so he wouldn’t scare you again.

“No.” You said shakily, turning on your heel and stomping to Draco’s bathroom, slamming the door. Luckily none of his roommates were there or they would’ve had quite the show.

“He’s only going to hurt you worse!” Draco pleaded from the other side of the door, he took a few alarming steps back when you swung it open, dressed back in your own clothes with knit eyebrows and a scowl.

“This is better than what he’d do if I left.”

[seonghwa-is-babie]

What we've been missing (pt.3)

Warning: angst, kidnapping, shouting, crying, fighting

Ateez x hybrid male reader

Note: I have no idea how I finished this in like 2-3 days but here we are, hope u enjoy!

Taglist: @jonghoshoe

It has been a couple of weeks since the boys took y/n in, in those few weeks they've had plenty of time to bond with him. Like how Hongjoong let him stay in the studio one night and they ended up cuddling on the couch

One member has been struggling to build up a proper bond with the hybrid though, Yeosang. Sure he helped here and there but they haven't really bonded as much as y/n has with the other members

⏳

It was a regular evening evening at the dorms, y/n resting on someone's lap, it just so happened to be wooyoung's tonight, in a deep slumber, unaware of his surroundings "is he asleep?" yunho asked "I think so"

"good, I wanna keep this a surprise from him...... I've been thinking about this for a while now, but how would you guys feel about adopting y/n?" the other members' eyes were on the cat hybrid, observing him as he peacefully slept "I'd like that if I'm being honest. he's been such wonderful company for us, I feel like it's only right to adopt him"

The others nodded at Hongjoong's words "then it's settled, we'll get everything filled out tomorrow. We could have a little celebration after, but we'll need him away from the dorms for a bit"

"how about you take him out the dorms for a little, Yeosang? It'll be a perfect time for you to bond more with him" seonghwa suggested, to which the other nodded

⏳

"y/n let's go out to the park, it's nice and warm right now so you can sunbathe there" y/n got up almost instantly, he loved nature and he loved sunbathing. "are you sure everyone's okay with me going out?" Yeosang nodded

they put on their shoes and went out, enjoying the slightly cool breeze and warmth from the sun. Yeosang made sure not to walk too fast to the park so he made sure they'd stay there until the boys were ready

This made y/n trail further ahead of Yeosang, which the hybrid noticed and made an effort to wait for him so they could walk at the same pace "Yeosang, can I ask you something?" the other hummed, gesturing y/n to continue

"I've noticed that you've been a bit distant from me or hesitant to pet me and stuff, I just wanted to know if that's cause I've done anything to upset you, cause if u have I'll stop" this made Yeosang stop in his tracks and face the hybrid "y/n, that's not your fault, I was just hesitant cause I was scared of getting too attached if you wanted to go out on your own"

Y/n practically slammed himself into Yeosang's chest, hugging him "you don't have to be scared of that Yeosang, I don't wanna leave you guys, never! I wanna stay with you guys, I'm not going anywhere" Yeosang smiled and pet the hybrid's head

"come on let's go, don't want it to be dark by the time we get there" they continued on their path. Something Yeosang did notice, was a van, coincidentally going on the exact path they were going. At first it seemed like a coincidence, but as they got further, turned corners and crossed streets, it became apparent the van was following them

"y/n, can you stand behind me when we're crossing" said person stopped in his tracks and turned to Yeosang in confusion "what do you mean? Was I too fast again?" Yeosang tried his best to focus on both the hybrid and the van which was slowly coming to a stop

"no it's not that, I think we're-.." he saw the van stop and some men stepped out "get behind me. Now" y/n got a bit frightened but looked in Yeosang's direction as he went behind him as he saw a familiar face

"what do you want from us?" Yeosang said trying to block y/n from them, who was almost frozen in fear "we just want the hybrid bud, so if you just hand him over, there won't be any problem that way"

"I'm not handing him over like he's some object!" Yeosang said, glaring at the men in front of him

"well, I tried to be nice. Boys, get the cat" the person who seemed to be the boss said. The men got closer to Yeosang and y/n, but Yeosang made sure none of them could smoothly get to y/n. Sadly no matter how many punches he dodged and threw, it wasn't enough and they managed to knock him down, taking y/n with them

"no! Y/n!" Yeosang shouted and tried getting up but couldn't due to the pain in his legs "Yeosang! Let me go! Yeosang pl-ease!" y/n started crying, knowing whoever just took him is probably didn't have the best intentions in mind

"should've worn your collar buddy" now he recognised the familiar face, it was the man from the mall

"wh-where are you taking me?" he asked, trying to stop crying "oh, I think you'll know it when we get there" his eyes widened. No, he couldn't go back there, he swore he'd never come back "n-no please, please don't I'll do anything, just please don't take me to them" he begged the man, but he didn't budge one bit

"no can do bud, if I don't get you home, I'm not getting my money"

⏳

The members were all busy decorating when seonghwa got a phone call from Yeosang "what's up yeo, how's y/n doing" he heard sobs coming from the other side of the line "Yeosang, what's wrong?"

"I-I'm so sorry" seonghwa grew really worried now, and the others noticed "what is it seonghwa?" he looked at his members, then back to his phone "Yeosang, I'm going to put you on speaker, is that okay?" he heard a soft hum from the other side and he put his phone on speaker

"y/n.......they took him, I tried fighting them of but there were too many, I'm sorry guys" seonghwa almost dropped his phone if it weren't for Hongjoong taking it out of his hand

"no...no! He can't- they couldn't have-" yunho was rambling frantically, crumbling up into a ball, San went to hug him, even if he too, was deeply hurt inside "Yeosang, who took him?"

"there were a couple of men I don't remember how many, but y/n seemed to recognise one of them" jongho and mingi looked at each other with realisation "the guy from the mall!" they both shouted at thee same time "Yeosang, try to get back here as fast as you can, you don't sound too good right now"

"I'll be there, see you guys soon" he hung up. Hongjoong went to comfort seonghwa "we'll find him, don't worry" he said those words to him, the others, and himself, because even he wasn't sure if they'd be able to find him.

[timeoverload]

Today wasn't too bad I suppose. It didn't start very well because I slept through all 20 of my alarms. It's kind of ridiculous that I have to set that many as it is but I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button. I usually get up around 4:30 or 5 but today I didn't get up until 6:15 and that's when I normally have to leave on Wednesdays.

I stayed up way too late last night but I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I had tried because it was too loud. The neighbors down the street were lighting off super loud fireworks until almost 1 in the morning. I was so pissed and I really wanted to go over there and tell them they were being rude but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't even remember falling asleep but I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I guess having 2 days off messed me up too and I also forgot I had to be there earlier. I work at 7 on Mondays and Tuesdays and 6:30 on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Luckily I still had time to get everything set up and get breakfast before cases started at 7:30. I had 24 today but I got done with them by 3:00. I had time to sit down and eat my lunch too. It definitely was better than last Wednesday. I had 31 cases that day due to add-ons and there was also an hour delay because one of the surgeries took longer than usual so I ended up having to stay late and I was already exhausted. I was so grumpy after that and Thursday sucked.

I also got mad last week because that creepy guy I work with that won't leave me alone tried hitting on me again in front of a bunch of people and I basically had to tell had to tell him to fuck off. It was embarrassing. After that incident, he left the department for a while and when he came back he was clearly in a bad mood and was banging stuff around. It felt like he was trying to be intimidating or something and he also kept trying to find reasons to talk to me. I told him previously that I thought it was weird that he kept calling me beautiful and amazing and I tried to make it clear that it made me uncomfortable. I haven't shown any interest whatsoever so I don't understand why he keeps trying. I don't trust him. He doesn't seem to show a lot of respect for women. He's very desperate for a relationship and I'm not the only girl he acts that way towards. He cornered another girl in the stairwell to get her phone number. I'm not sure why she gave it to him since she said that she doesn't like him either. I would never give him any of my information. Most of the girls are uneasy around him and he likes to go around trying to get hugs. If he tries to say or do anything else to me like that I'm going to HR. He says he's planning on working there a long time and I can't wait to get away from him. At least I don't have to see him at all this week since he's out of town. I don't want him to come back but I'm happy that I haven't had to see him since he did that.

I got to leave work a couple minutes early so that was nice. I went to the store to get cat food and more snacks for myself. I have been eating so much junk food. I think I have actually gained a couple pounds which is good news. Some of my clothes are fitting better. I hope I can continue gaining weight but I also need to eat a little healthier sometimes. I don't even know how much I weigh right now since I don't have a scale so I guess I will find out when I go to the doctor on Friday. I'm also still planning on asking for her to increase my dosage of lamotrigine to 175mg a day since I've been taking 150mg for a while now. I am going to see if she will give me ativan or something for my anxiety. I have taken anxiety meds before and I don't really like them but lately I'm having a really hard time managing it. I haven't had blood work done in a while so I should probably ask to have that done too.

I'm going to make some dinner soon and get ready for bed. I'm sure I will sleep a lot better tonight and hopefully I actually wake up on time in the morning. I'm glad I only have to work one more day this week and tomorrow shouldn't be too busy. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

[mitchelljoni]

Hey, your fic is amazing, like truly it's brilliant and I love everything about it, all the insane parts too. I think between the two of them Sue is the bigger masochist though. Like she's a sadist without realizing it sometimes but she's def a masochist most of the time. The thought that next chapter will be in the present is driving me a little mad knowing how we left things in ch7. Like I'm scared. A little. I love the theater stuff. I don't know many things but I sure am enjoying learning new things. And how both of them were so nervous when they had to kiss in that scene. Emily too. Also, Sam Bowles the dude is a great way of creating more and more tension but boy do I hate that guy. And I really hope Emily doesn't sleep with him, this is one of the things that make me feel scared. A vicious cycle. They seem to be good at it. So yeah, someone has to stop it. And it kinda seems like it has to be Sue. I loved your post about tension building, the long one, I loved it because yeah that's it.

I wanted to ask was there a specific reason why it seemed like they haven't slept together for months at the beginning of the fic, if it's not a spoiler? And one more thing have they had any other relationships since they started living together? I guess the answer would be no, one night stands aside. There are so many quotes that make me think of them. Yeah, thank you for everything!

HEYYYYY omg THANK YOU 🥺😵‍💫🤠....yeah sue is def a masochist it is simply ingrained in her....🤧🤧🤧 exactly exactly shes a sadist basically bc shes a masochist who doesnt realise her masochism affects others dlksgjdflkjg stupid little psycho...so glad u love the theatre stuff omg sometimes i worry it's like. self indulgent but it's kinda fun to play around w this idea of seeing/being seen in that arena...exactly like what ur talking about w them being nervous to kiss like it feels objectively dumb to be nervous about kissing in a scene when you like. do it all the time but theres obviously something there about how their affection has always been kind of. a secret (like a BADLY kept secret but still) and at least behind closed doors, how to translate that to the outside world, how to "act", also like the self consciousness of it.....fun to mess around w for sure!!!! so glad u agree!!

ya for sure sue that little nutter shes got Stuff to Sort Out now...vicious cycle yeh!!! so glad u enjoyed the post ab tension, it's so weird/lovely/unexpected to hear that ppl enjoy reading the stuff coming out of my silly little brain ahah bc i actually do like writing about it so it's v fun 😙

also 2 answer ur questions: hmm there isn't REALLY a specific reason, think they kind of go through spells of trying to ummm behave and be normal and then just kind of go. hmm fuck it lol. theres more to come on that though so will stop there so im not spoiling stuff in ch9 🤠 and for other relationships, you're kind of right, i think there were probably attempts at relationships that might have lasted some weeks or even months in places but nothing with too much consistency, more one night stands or casual dating. i don't really see it as a conscious thing though i think it is partly that but partly just like. whats the point whats the point when you're living with the love of your life and you know youve found them. i think that's def emily's perspective in a way and at this stage shes almost just. dating for the variety lol and in a like. ok well let's see what's going on w sue this time...i think actually sue by contrast def doesn't date as much. like more the off one night stand and she feels embarrassed about it. idk if that makes sense it's more just my gut feeling so u can choose what to think ofc!!!! as always!!!!

thank u for this kind and thoughtful mssg, i loved reading it :)